


If Love's So Easy, Why Is It Hard?

by GeryonWoods



Series: Days & Ways: The Art Of Scraping By [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Artist Clarke, Blood, Character Death, Clexa babies, Clexa family, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add necessary tags as more chapters get posted, Lawyer Lexa, Lexa & Costia (Mentioned) - Freeform, Lostia Cliylah and Flarke are minor but exist within the timeline of the story, More people show up down the line so I'll add them as they come, Pregnant Clarke, Romance, Yes certain FTWD characters are part of this story but it all makes sense in context
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2018-09-27 20:24:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 343,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10047239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeryonWoods/pseuds/GeryonWoods
Summary: Two moms, four kids. What could possibly go wrong? The Griffin-Woods family seemingly has the perfect life, at least until Lexa’s (over?)zealousness as NYC’s top young prosecutor means she starts making some very dangerous enemies whose only goal is to remove her from the equation. By any means necessary.





	1. October 2020

**Author's Note:**

> This is the painstakingly detailed, fluffy, and angsty Modern!AU spanning 20+ years of Clexa's relationship that I've been headcanoning on Tumblr daily for over a year and a half but had never published. People kept asking and I finally caved so...here we go.
> 
> \---
> 
> There should be a structure for the posting of these chapters. Their relationship spans at least 25 years in the story depending how far down their life I end up going and the tone of it can absolutely be divided into two parts: before the event (fluff) & after the event (dark and angsty). What I think I want to do is alternate chapters between those two points. I’ll try to mark at least the month and the year when the chapter is supposed to be taking place so that (if I don’t give up halfway through and eventually post them all) maybe if one day people want to read it in chronological order they have the ability to do so. It will also give whoever might not want to read darker stuff the ability to skip every other chapter and just stick with the family fluff. 
> 
> \---
> 
> The title of the story is a lyric from a 1999 song called “We’re Just Friends” by Wilco. Every time I think about Clarke and Lexa’s relationship, but especially about Lexa after everything unfolds a few of the lines from that song always come to mind. Like…
> 
> "Over and over and over again  
> I try to make amends  
> For everything I’ve done wrong  
> My whole world just spins  
> Make some coffee, hold me up  
> Try to talk me out of giving up  
> I’ll come back to you  
> It’ll be brand new  
> I promise"
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

** October 2020 **

5:03 AM.

Clarke extends her arm in bed expecting to wrap it around her sleeping wife but, much to her surprise, finds an empty bed instead. Lexa is never up before Clarke. Matter of fact, Clarke usually has to push her wife out of bed in the mornings. 

_"Lex?"_

Clarke wipes the sleep from her eyes while looking at their bathroom door. She gets no response. 

_"Lexa?"_

Clarke asks slightly louder.

Nothing. 

Clarke untangles herself from the warm silky sheets before setting out to find her wife.

* * *

Clarke walks out of the master bedroom and makes a right heading towards the children's rooms. Clarke peeks into the first door and finds her soon-to-be five year old daughter gently snoring on one side of the room as her three year old drools on her pillow on the other side. She slowly backs out of the room, making sure to gently close the door behind her. Clarke moves a few feet down in the direction of her son's room and that's when she hears Lexa. 

The door to Jake's room is cracked open. Clarke rests her shoulder on the door frame and crosses her arms. Within seconds she's fully engrossed in the spectacle unfolding inside. Lexa - in grey boxers and a red shirt with a slept on braid pouring hair out in every direction - bounces the fourteen month around the nursery while raptly recounting some fantastical story. Jake rests his head on Lexa's shoulder listening to her attentively while sucking on his thumb. 

_"The brave commander of the thirteen mighty clans puts a spear through the chest of the evil queen and crowns the noble prince as the king of the northern clan."_

Lexa thrashes her unoccupied arm around the air as if it were wielding a sword, one she was using to defend herself in a battle against some invisible offender. His mother's commitment to the tale and the liveliness of it all makes the little boy giggle. Lexa spins on her heels as she pretends to swing the sword around and that is when she notices her wife standing at the door. 

_"Look Jay. Mommy's awake."_

Lexa tenderly grins at the woman on the door and the baby lifts his head excited whilst pulling his pruney thumb from his mouth. 

_"Mama."_

Clarke approaches him with a warm smile on her face and as soon as she reaches him she attacks his face with a plethora of sloppy kisses. The baby giggles loudly in response and Clarke promptly backs away not wanting to wake up the girls. Clarke turns her attention to her wife. 

 _"You're up early"_. Clarke leans in for a tender kiss. _"Good morning."_ Lexa rests lazily against Clarke.

 _"Morning."_ Lexa kisses Clarke's forehead. _"This dude has been up for almost two hours and refuses to go back to sleep."_

 _"Baby...what's going on?"_ Clarke squeezes Jake's tummy which makes him squirm and chuckle. _"I thought we'd gotten you to sleep through the night already."_ The baby leans his head back onto Lexa's shoulder and returns to sucking his thumb. 

_"I'm taking him with me today."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"To work. I checked my schedule and I have no meetings today. I just need to do a lot of reading for the Martin case. I'm bringing him and he can just hang around with me."_

_"Lex..."_

_"I hate leaving him crying every morning Clarke."_

From the minute Jake was born him and Lexa bonded. That baby was nothing short of obsessed with his mother. Jake was so attached to Lexa that he would sob and shriek every time he saw her exit a room. They had to distract him and keep him busy if Lexa needed to remove herself from his immediate vicinity for whatever reason. This means Jake cried every single morning when Lexa left for work. Unless he was still asleep when she left, there was going to be a defcon five level situation. 

 _"I talked to him about it and he agrees. Don't you Jay?"_ The baby doesn't answer. _"He agrees. Promise. I already gave him a bath and packed his bag. He's good to go. I was just waiting for you to wake up so I could go shower."_

_"Lexa you can't take him to work."_

_"Why not?"_

Lexa utters in what some could consider a whiney voice. 

 _"Because it's work and I know how you get when you're working on a new case."_  

_"How do I get?"_

_"You dive into it and the world around you disappears. That's how you get."_  

 _"That's not true Clarke."_ Clarke rolls her eyes. _"Please. If it doesn't work out I'll bring him back immediately. I just don't want to hear him crying today. I can't do it today."_

_"When did you become such a softie? Remember in school when people would move out of the way in the hallways because everyone was terrified of Lexa Woods. What happened to her?"_

_"She started dating you. It's all gone downhill from there."_

_"You promise to bring him back if he can't handle it?"_

_"He can handle it. He's a big boy. We'll bring Pauna and I packed other toys in the bag too. I'll set up a play area in front of my desk if he needs distractions. Please Clarke."_

Clarke smiles because she knows she can't say no to Lexa once she starts begging for anything. 

_"Fine."_

Lexa kisses her and then kisses Jake. 

_"Ok. I gave him a bottle when he woke up but he probably needs to eat something before we leave. Do you want to do that so I can go shower?"_

Lexa asks as she hands Clarke the reluctant baby. 

 _"Mama."_  

Jake pleads distraught and grasping for Lexa the moment she begins to walk away.

_"I just need to go get ready bean. I'll be right back."_

Lexa covers him in kisses while Clarke does her best to distract him so Lexa can leave the nursery. Clarke's efforts seem fruitless because Lexa hears him wail as she closes the door behind her.

* * *

Clarke is in the kitchen feeding Jake bits of a pancake when Lexa walks out dressed in a pristine looking dark grey suit and a blue shirt. Anya and Costia are now both up and sit at the table having breakfast. Lexa walks up to the girls and kisses both of their heads. 

_"Morning. Everyone had nice dreams?"_

_"Yes!"_

Anya yelps excitedly and Costia grumbles. Costia hates mornings just as much as Lexa does. 

_"Your bowl is on the table."_

Clarke looks at Lexa as she walks up to kiss her and rub Jake's head on the way to the coffee pot. 

_"I got a call from Luciana. They need me to go over a deposition. I can't stay for breakfast. Is he good to go?"_

_"Lex, sit down and eat."_

Lexa pours some coffee into her travel mug. 

 _"I can't."_  

Lexa takes a sip from the steaming cup and hisses when she unsurprisingly burns herself. Lexa furrows her brow in pain while she tightens the lid. 

_"If you don't eat now then you won't eat until you come back tonight. I know you. Sit down."_

_"We can't file with the judge unless I sign that."_

_"I'm sure whoever's handling the case can wait twenty extra minutes."_

_"She really can't."_

_"She will. Go sit down and eat."_

Clarke shoves Lexa towards the table and places the bowl of fruit and granola in front of her. 

_"Luciana..."_

_"I will call her myself and excuse you for being late if I need to. If you spent less time arguing you might be halfway done with that already._ **E A T** _."_  

Lexa looks at her daughters who are currently too busy eating and too sleepy to care. 

_"Is she a tyrant with you guys too?"_

_"Less talking, more eating Lexa."_

_"She's so mean in the mornings."_

Lexa scrunches her nose making a funny face and Anya chuckles in response. In an impressive feat, Clarke manages to juggle the baby, a glass, and a bottle of juice as she attempts to pour Lexa a drink. Once she has succeeded, she places it in front of her wife while Lexa hastily works her way through the bowl. 

_"Good girl. I'm going to go change him. Are you sure you packed everything in his bag?"_

_"Yes."_

Lexa speaks with a mouthful of fruit. 

_"Am I going to get a call an hour from now saying you forgot something if I don't double check the bag?"_

_"Potentially."_

_"Ok. I'm double checking the bag THEN changing him."_

Clarke leaves the kitchen and heads for Jake's room.

_"Such a tyrant."_

Lexa turns to her second eldest again and winks. Anya snickers as she bites down on a hefty chunk of syrupy pancake.

_"Mom says Jake is coming with you to work. Why can't we come to work?"_

Anya inquires curiously. 

_"Because you guys have pre-school."_

_"We don't have to go to school."_

Costia mumbles.

_"I'd love to see you having that argument with your mom."_

_"Please."_

Anya pleads almost convincingly.

_"Another time. I promise."_

Lexa finishes most of her food, kisses Anya's head followed by Costia's, and places the bowl in the sink. 

_"Clarke, I ate! Am I free to go now?"_

Lexa screams from the kitchen. A minute later Clarke turns the corner with a shirtless Jake, his tee bunched up in her hand, and the baby bag on her shoulder. 

_"You forgot baby wipes Lexa. Every time. How do you forget them **every** time?" _

Clarke perches the baby down on the counter in order to finish getting him dressed.  

_"I keep you around so you can remember to pack them."_

Lexa manages to sneak her head between her wife and her son to steal a quick peck from Clarke.

_"Brushing my teeth then leaving. Yes?"_

Clarke cranes her head over Lexa's shoulder in order to look into the sink at the bowl Lexa put in there. 

_"You barely ate."_

_"I ate enough."_

_"Lexa..."_

Clarke looks at her sternly. 

_"I'm brushing my teeth now."_

Lexa practically runs out of the kitchen so Clarke can't force any more food on her. 

* * *

Lexa reenters the kitchen a few minutes later smelling minty fresh. She finds Clarke at the table eating with the girls and the babbling baby straddled on her thigh. Lexa walks up to Clarke and takes Jake from her arms. 

_"You ready bud?"_

Lexa lovingly kisses the little boy and he beams in response.

_"He'll probably need a bottle at like eleven. If he starts being fussy around that time just try and feed him."_

_"Yes ma'am."_

Lexa leans down to kiss her wife goodbye. Clarke immediately reciprocates the show of affection and they stay like that, lost in each other, for longer than would've been acceptable in public. The moment Lexa begins to retreat Clarke brings both her hands to either side of Lexa's face holding her in place so they can look into each other's eyes. 

_"You're going to bring him back if this doesn't go well, right?"_

_"If he is at all unhappy at my downtown office with a great view of the New York skyline and a lot of women cooing over him I'll personally return him, but if he really is anything like me as you all insist I don't anticipate any of those things being a problem."_

Clarke rolls her eyes and kisses her again. 

_"I love you."_

_"I love you. Give mommy a kiss Jay."_

The baby does as told and plants a wet sloppy kiss on Clarke's cheek. Clarke laughs at the effusiveness before turning her face and kissing him back in kind. 

 _"Be good."_   

Clarke tells her son as if he had any understanding of what that entailed.

_"Have a good day at school."_

Lexa kisses Anya's head.

 _"And you putting bad guys away."_  

Anya replies with a mouthful of food.

_"I will try my best Nana."_

Costia rolls her eyes and grunts as she pushes her empty plate away.

 _"_ O _h, I know the feeling Cos."_

Lexa kisses Costia's cheek with a smile on her face as she grabs Jake's bag, her briefcase, her coffee travel mug, and her phone. 

_"Lex."_

_"Yeah?"_

Lexa turns to look at Clarke. 

_"Keys."_

_"Right."_

Lexa doubles back to the handmade bowl that lived on the counter, the one that Costia had made in school and which they had repurposed as a keyholder. She picks up her set and jingles the keychain, showing them off to Clarke.

_"Love you!"_

Lexa practically runs out the door. 

_"Ok. You two. Up. Time to shower."_

Anya runs towards the bathroom. Costia grunts and brings her head down to rest on her arm. 

* * *

About an hour later Clarke drops the girls off at school and heads back home. The gallery was closed for renovations for the next few weeks and that meant Clarke had her first real day off - away from the kids and everyone else - in an incredibly long time. Clarke had every intention to take advantage of each rare second of serenity and silence she got in that apartment for as long as it lasted. Chores be damned.

Clarke fixed herself a warm bath and after she soaked (and napped) in the bubbly water for a few hours, she decided to dedicate some time to the few commissions she had in progress. Maybe Lexa taking Jake to work wasn't such a bad idea after all because this was a welcomed change in her daily routine.

* * *

Lexa spent the day with Jake in one hand and a file on the other while pacing in front of her office window as she tried to break the Martin case. Jake was dotted on by everyone at the office, he had a nap, he ate his food, and he didn't cry. Not once. 

That day was the start of a common pattern where Lexa would find any excuse to spend full days or the hours after school with Jake hanging out in her office.

One of those afternoons at work with Lexa ended up getting Jake killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	2. July 7, 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first Post-Jake chapter of the story. It's been about three weeks since the shooting so we're diving head first into the aftermath. It's pretty angsty and there's a handful of mentions about bleeding wounds so if you're squeamish about that proceed with caution. 
> 
> There's a significant amount of Lexa/Anya away from Clarke in this chapter, but Anya is an important person for Lexa and she plays a big part in their lives and the story. She's one of the few people who can call Lexa out on her shit and try to set her straight. Doesn't mean Lexa always listens, but it doesn't stop Anya from ripping into her every once in a while either. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**July 7, 2028**

Jake has been dead for 23 days. 552 hours. 3312 minutes. 1,987,200 seconds. 1,987,201. 1,987,202. Lexa knows because she has counted. She has laid in this hospital bed and done the math because she has to keep her brain busy somehow. Thinking about anything but the numbers is almost unbearable so Lexa counts and doesn’t speak. She hasn’t said a word in days.

They kept her in the ICU for 19 days. She was in and out of surgery for most of that time and was almost permanently sedated. When she was finally lucid enough to be coherent, she could immediately read it in Clarke’s face that Jake was gone. She saw him hit the ground. She saw the amount of blood. She knew. All she had to do was look at Clarke’s face to confirm her worst fears. She didn't have to be told, but they still tried to talk to her. Tried to explain to her what happened. Tried to fill her in on how the investigation is going, but she didn’t need to hear any of that. Lexa didn’t care. She won’t eat. She won’t talk. She won’t look anyone in the eye. She lays in bed, stares at the ceiling, and counts. She stopped living and started simply existing 

Lexa spent three days like that in the general ward before doctors told Clarke that she was well enough to keep recovering at home. The physical therapist showed Clarke and Anya what they needed to do to help Lexa navigate her time at home. Nurses broke down her medicine schedule and all the dos and don’ts. Doctors explained what to expect. After what seemed like endless rounds of paperwork that needed to be signed, today they finally get to leave the hospital.

Raven helps Clarke pack bags full of gifts and cards that friends, family, and even strangers have sent during Lexa’s hospital stay while Anya helps the nurse dress Lexa. Once they’re finished Lexa is transferred to a wheelchair and they’re ready to start the trip back home. Octavia had texted Raven that they were parked right by the entrance whenever they were ready. It was time to head out.

 _“You ready?”_ Clarke asks, her voice hoarse from crying and screaming for days on end, as she straightens Lexa’s jacket before smoothing out her hair. She didn’t expect to get an answer, but it doesn’t mean she can’t try. Lexa avoids her eyes and says nothing.

 _“Ok then.”_ Clarke speaks before bending down to kiss Lexa’s forehead.

Clarke nods at the nurse standing behind the wheelchair and the nurse starts moving. They’ll be home soon.

* * *

Clarke sits between Lexa and Raven in the backseat with Octavia and Lincoln sitting in the front while Anya and Bellamy tail them in Anya’s car. The entirety of the 37 minute drive is spent in silence. Sometime around mid-afternoon they pull up to Clarke and Lexa’s building.

Lexa is weak. She can barely stand on her own which means Clarke and Lincoln have to do most of the work to keep her standing as they make their way from the entrance up to their fifteenth floor apartment. Clarke had given Raven her keys and sent her up first so that she made sure the door would be open and the bed was ready for them to lay Lexa down. All they had to do now was get her there.

The elevator ride up is slow and quiet. They finally get to their floor and Anya, Octavia, and Bellamy let Clarke and Lincoln usher Lexa out first as they trail closely behind. Lexa had been intently staring at the floor for the last half an hour, but once they start to approach their door she finally looks forward and she immediately wishes she hadn’t. The first thing you saw when the door to their apartment was open was a family picture on the far wall. It was taken at Anya’s eleventh birthday party a few months ago. It was the two of them and their four children. Jake and Costia were sitting on Lexa’s lap, Roa was on Clarke’s lap, and Anya had her arms around Clarke’s neck while giving the camera a funny smile. The first thing Lexa is confronted by after she spots Raven standing by the open door further down the hallway is the one thing she’ll never have anymore: her family whole again. She locks in on the picture and her body freezes in place. She can’t go into that apartment. That’s Jake’s home but Jake isn’t here anymore. His clothes and his toys and his pictures are in there. She can’t be in there.

 _“Lex?”_ Clarke looks at her.

Everyone is looking at Lexa waiting for her to take another step but she can’t. Not in there. Not without him. Lexa gathers her strength and turns around and away from the door. She pushes Lincoln and Clarke as she begins to walk away from their apartment and back in the direction of the elevator.

_“Lexa.”_

_“Lex.”_ echoes Anya as Lexa walks past her.

 _“No.”_ is the first word Lexa speaks in over three weeks as she stumbles down the hallway and towards the elevator. Anya catches up with her pretty easily.

_“Hey. Hey! Lexa. You need to lie down.”_

_“I’m not going in there.”_

Lexa tries to push past Anya.

 _“Stop. Lexa.”_ Lexa tries to struggle with Anya. _“You’re going to hurt yourself.”_

Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Bellamy watch things unfold unsure of how to help.

_“Lex…”_

Clarke gently wraps her hand around Lexa’s arm to offer her some stability.

 _“I’m not...I can’t Clarke.”_ Lexa finally looks at her for the first time in weeks. _“I can’t.”_

Lexa stops pushing Anya and melts into her arms because she can’t keep herself standing straight any longer.

" _I can’t.”_

 _“You’re okay. I got you.”_ Anya wraps her arms around Lexa. _“Do you want to lie down?”_ Lexa shakes her head no.

_“I can’t go in there.”_

_“Ok.”_ Anya looks at Clarke and thinks for a second trying to find a quick solution to the problem. _“Do you want to come to my place then?”_ Lexa nods. _“Alright. We can come hang out at my apartment for a bit.”_

Abby and Marcus, who had been watching the kids, now hover over by the apartment door. Clarke looks up from Lexa and the moment she makes eye contact with Abby she begins to cry prompting Abby to almost run to her daughter. Abby wraps her arms around Clarke and soothes her.

 _“Oh darling.”_ Abby whispers tenderly as she comforts Clarke.

 _“Mom?”_ Costia appears at the door, but Marcus holds on to her.

_“Hey sweetheart. I thought we promised to stay in the room.”_

_“I want to see mom.”_

_“Maybe you should go back inside. They’ll be right in, okay?”_ Marcus says sweetly.

Clarke notices Costia at the door which makes her cry even harder. She moves away from Abby and towards Costia. She needs to hold her. Costia lunges into Clarke’s arms and begins to sob into her neck.

Lexa watches from the opposite end of the hallway. She feels like a truck just rammed her full force in the chest. She needs to get out of there. She musters enough energy to walk the distance to the elevator and presses the ‘Down’ button frantically.

 _“Lexa.”_ Anya almost whispers to her. _“They need you here.”_

Lexa stares blankly at the elevator door. She can hear Clarke and Costia crying behind her. She can’t face that. She can’t be in what used to be their home right now. Luckily the elevator dings and the door opens at that instant.

 _“Are you coming?”_ Lexa asks stoically as she walks into the elevator. Anya doesn't respond and stands outside of the doors without moving. Neither of them speak for a few seconds. _“Anya, I can’t…”_ Anya takes a deep breath and steps into the elevator wit Lexa.

* * *

Lexa and Anya drive in total silence for about ten minutes before Lexa speaks again.

_“I want to go see him.”_

Anya, irritated and upset at Lexa, says nothing and keeps driving. This is not the time to have that argument with Lexa. She just needs to get Lexa into a bed so she decides to ignore it and drive straight to her apartment instead. The walk up to her place went a lot smoother than the earlier attempt. A few minutes after they walk into her place, Clarke and the girls get there. They quickly realize there is nothing to eat at Anya’s apartment and Anya leaves them alone to go on a food run.

The older girls watch TV in the master bedroom while Roa naps on the couch. Lexa, who has refused to lay down regardless of how many times Anya and Clarke asked her to, sits next to Roa focusing her eyes on the crumbling paint chip by the front door. Clarke stands across the room, leaning her back against the wall opposite to Lexa, arms crossed against her chest and looking at her wife. The only sounds cutting the thick silence between them are the TV and low mumbling coming from the bedroom and Roa’s soft snores. They stay like that for what feels like years before Lexa finally speaks.

_“I can’t believe you did that.”_

Clarke has to hold back tears when she hears the deep resentment in Lexa's voice. She knows what Lexa's talking about. She knows Lexa hates the fact that she missed Jake's funeral, but choices had to be made. Clarke remembers those days. Well, mostly. She definitely remembers not being able to really decide if they wanted to cremate or bury him. She remembers desperately needing Lexa with her. She wanted her and Lexa to make these decisions together like they had done for the past seventeen years, but Lexa was unconscious. The damage was too extensive. Lexa got shot too many times and the doctors needed to keep her sedated until her body healed more. _If_ it healed. So Clarke put on a brave face and decided what to do with their son's body alone. She thought cremating him would be best. She liked the idea of being able to spread his ashes somewhere he loved so he could be there forever, but she could never forgive herself if she got rid of Jake's body without Lexa. She wanted Lexa to be able to say goodbye if she pulled through and she chose to bury him instead. She realizes now that Lexa didn't see it that way.

_"I want to go see him."_

Lexa still won't look at Clarke.

It's late. It's almost completely dark out. Lexa is a fucking mess. She can barely stand.

_"Lex. Tomorrow. Please. We'll go first thing. It's probably closed by now."_

_"I want to see him."_

Lexa speaks almost through gritted teeth as she turns her head to make eye contact with Clarke.

_"We will. We can all go tomorrow."_

Lexa forces herself up and tries to head for the door because fuck that. She let her son die. She couldn't protect him. She wasn't there for him and then she also missed his funeral. Jake was in a cold box alone and fuck the world if it thought she was going to let him spend another night out there by himself. She's going to see him.

Clarke tries to stop Lexa as she walks past her and towards the front door. She grabs Lexa's arm and pulls her back. When she does, Lexa turns her body in an awkward way and suddenly there's pain. So much pain. She also feels something warm trickling down her side. Blood. _Shit_. Some of her stitches popped open. Lexa hisses and her shirt stains a deep red pretty quickly. Clarke realizes what she did and almost instantly begins to cry.

 _"Fuck. Lex. I'm sorry. I didn't...I...."_ Clarke stares at her with wide eyes. Her hands shake. She doesn't know what to say or do. Lexa reads this as her opportunity to leave the house. She knows Clarke won't touch her again.

* * *

Lexa could barely stand to begin with and now she's also favoring her left side. **_Fuck._ ** That hurts. Several empty cabs drive past her, put off by the pale complexion and the fact that she's slightly slumped over to her left side. No cab wants to stop for her. A handful of minutes later, one finally does and Lexa is thankful to not have to be on her feet anymore.

 _"You okay lady?"_ Asks the cabbie.

_"Crestview Cemetery."_

_"Not the hospital?"_

_"Crestview."_ Lexa almost barks at him. _"Please."_ She pleads when she realizes that's not going to get her anywhere.

 _"Fine."_ The cabbie gives up.

Lexa puts pressure on her side and hisses before closing her eyes and leaning her head back on the seat. They get to Crestview about fifty minutes later. Lexa has been dancing between consciousness and unconsciousness the entire time. She's losing too much blood. She knows it. Not enough to kill a healthy person but enough to mess with her in her current state.

The cabbie pulls up to the gates. They're closed.

 _"Hey."_ He says snapping Lexa's eyes back into focus. _"It's closed."_ He notices the pool of blood next to Lexa. _"You bled all over my seat!"_ He screams irritated.

Lexa digs into her jacket pockets for her wallet and pulls out several big bills.

_"That should cover it."_

Lexa stumbles out of the car. The driver doesn't even wait for Lexa to be five steps away from the car when he sets it in reverse and leaves her there. Lexa walks up to the gates and shakes them. Closed. She yanks on the chains keeping the gates together. Really closed. She yanks on the chains even harder in frustration and angry tears roll down her face. Lexa tries to scream but it gets caught in her throat after it makes the fire on her side burn hotter. She can't even call out for him. Her boy is in there. Her fucking baby and she can't get to him. Her son. Jake.

Lexa saw the fear in his eyes when he felt the first bullet hit him. It was confusion at first, but then it was fear. She could see it. She was supposed to keep him safe and when it mattered most she couldn't. She saw him fall to the ground. Jake was dead before Lexa even felt the bullets hit her. She couldn't do anything to protect him. And now she couldn't get to him to keep him from being alone. She had to tell him she was sorry for letting him down. She had to get in there. She had to climb that fence. She doesn't have a choice.

Lexa braces herself with her hands and puts her right foot on one of the bars. When it's time to pull herself up and bring her left foot up to the same metal bar, the pain that shoots up her side feels like a shock of pure electricity. It knocks her off the gate and onto her back. She falls flat on the pavement, curls up, and clenches her side. It hurts too bad. Tears cover her face and she can’t figure out what hurts more right now: her heart or her body.

Lexa lays there - on the pavement across the cemetery doors - sobbing. Curled up into herself. She's so distraught that she doesn't notice the headlights suddenly illuminating her and the gate. She doesn't hear the feet rushing towards her or the voice calling her name. She doesn't realize someone else is there until they pull her left shoulder to turn her on her back so they can see her and the pain on her left side shoots up her body. Lexa screams. Anya's hands immediately fly off Lexa's body when she hears it. That's when she notices the blood.

_"Holy shit Lex. What did you do?"_

Anya tries to pick her up and walk her toward the car but Lexa pulls away.

_"I need to get inside."_

_"You need to get to the hospital. That's what you need to do."_

_"No!"_

Lexa pulls her arm away and scooting further away from Anya.

_"Lexa."_

_"I need to see him."_

_"You're bleeding."_

_"I need to see him."_

_"Let's sort the bleeding thing first and then we can come back, okay?"_

_"No. Please. Anya."_ Lexa pleads. _"Please."_

Anya kneels down next to Lexa and lifts her shirt. Lexa hisses.

_"That's not good. That's bad Lex."_

_"You buried him without me. You didn't even wait for me."_

Anya gets up, walks towards her car, pops the trunk open, and rummages through her gym bag. She closes the trunk and walks back to Lexa.

_"We didn't know if you were going to make it. Clarke had to make a choice. Breathe."_

Anya tells her stoically as she presses a towel to Lexa's side. Lexa's scream gets caught in her throat. Anya tries to ignore the pain she's causing her sister.

_"You're okay. I just need to stop the bleeding."_

After a few seconds of pressure and silence Lexa speaks.

 _"He's alone in there. I need to see him."_ Lexa looks at Anya pleadingly.

_"Clarke has gone through too much these past few weeks Lexa. She shouldn't have to be calling me while sobbing to tell me you left the house and that you may or may not have come here. You got out of the hospital hours ago. You almost died. What the fuck are you doing?"_

_"I watched him die. He wasn't supposed to be with me that day. If I hadn't been too busy to keep our regular days then I wouldn't have asked Clarke to bring him that afternoon so I could make it up to him. He should've been home. He should've been far away from from me. He wasn't supposed to die. I should've protected him. It was my job to protect him."_

Lexa's breath grows more ragged as she speaks. She starts to hyperventilate.

 _"Hey hey. Hey! Lex. Look at me. Breathe. Breathe. Lexa. You have to breathe."_ Anya tries to talk her through it.

_"He..."_

Lexa can't get any more words out. She just clings to Anya.

_"I know. I know. I know."_

Anya comforts her sister while holding her. Anya let's her catch her breath and as soon as Lexa's calmed down, she cuts through the silence.

 _"Get up."_  

Lexa resists.

 _"Alexandria. Get up."_ Anya repeats sternly while lacing Lexa's arm around her neck.

There were very few people in the world who would ever be allowed to not only speak to Lexa like that but to call her by her full name and Anya was one of the two still alive. She could very well pick up Lexa by herself but she knew this would all go smoother if Lexa cooperates. They stare at each other for a few tense seconds having a wordless battle of the wills.

_"I know another way in. My friends and I sometimes went to cemeteries to drink when we were in high school. We thought it was cool. There's a gate on the other side that will open if you know what to do to it. We can't drive in that way and it's going to be a walk to get to him but I can get you inside if you promise me that we're going to the hospital immediately after. I can get you to him, I just need you to stand up."_

Lexa looks at her and sees the honesty in Anya's eyes. She nods, bends her knees, and assists Anya in her effort to get her back on her feet. She struggles to make it to the car five feet away.

_"Lexa...we can come back tomorrow. You can barely stand and we're going to have to walk to get to where he is."_

_"I'll make it."_

Anya rolls her eyes, places Lexa in the passenger seat, puts Lexa's hand on the towel on her side, and closes the door.

_"Keep pressure on that."_

She trots around to the drivers door, puts the car in reverse, and starts driving to the other side of the cemetery hoping that the broken gate has never been fixed in the years since she's been there last.

Lexa can barely keep her eyes open in the few minutes it takes Anya to drive them to the opposite side of the cemetery. She really is tempted to drive Lexa straight to the hospital. Lexa wouldn't be able to put up a fight. Anya knows that but she also knows trust with her sister is vital and she can feel that their family has some rough times ahead of them. She can't have the luxury of Lexa not trusting her. Once you break Lexa's trust it's almost impossible to gain it back and she can't lose her sister right now. Against her better judgment Anya drives to the side gate she used to sneak in through years ago.

Anya pulls up to the gate and the headlights shine on the rusty metal. It still looks as lopsided as it did back then. Maybe they're in luck. Anya sure could use a break right about now. Lexa hears the car door open and blinks her eyes into focus. She goes for the door latch before Anya pushes her back onto the seat.

 _"Stay. Let me check it out first. It might have been fixed. I'll be back in a second."_ Anya commands as she gets out of the car.

Lexa follows her with her eyes. Anya pulls a screw and the old door swings open. Guess not much has changed in the last 20 years. She walks back to the car, shuts it off, and goes over to Lexa's side. She opens the door and stands there looking at her sister.

_"Lex, this is a terrible idea."_

Lexa pushes her away from the door so she can swing her feet out. She tries to stand and the throbbing on her side knocks her back down to the seat. Anya rolls her eyes and ducks inside the car to help her out. Anya closes the door behind Lexa and they head for the gate. They walk for five minutes before they need to stop so that Lexa can take a break because she's literally dragging her feet at this point.

_"Sit."_

Anya points to a high tomb knowing full well that's probably disrespectful but also knowing no one is around to judge them.

_"I'm fine."_

_"Sit your ass down Lexa. You need a breather and I should call your wife to let her know you're still an idiot but at least you have adult supervision now."_

Lexa does as she’s told and leans back on the tomb trying to get pressure off her left side as Anya pulls her phone out of her pocket and calls Clarke. 

 _"Hey. Yeah. She's with me. Yeah. She was. No, not yet. I'm...We're going to see him. I...yeah. Technically it_ is _closed. I'll explain later. I know, but she wouldn't let it go so I figured this was easier. She is. We're putting pressure on it."_

Anya lied looking over to Lexa and realizing the towel must have been forgotten in the car.  

_"Yeah. I made her promise we're going to the hospital after this. I'll let you know. I'll tell them. Yeah. I will call you. Yes. I will."_

Anya rolls her eyes. Why did Lexa have to marry someone so bossy?

_"Ok. Yeah. I'll talk to you in a bit. I...yes, I will. She's not going anywhere. She couldn't outrun me even if she was in top shape."_

Anya is pretty sure she can hear Lexa mumble a 'fuck you'.  

_"I'll tell her. Bye."_

Anya removes the phone from her ear.

_"Your wife is demanding."_

_"I know."_

_"Come on. Up. I plan on sleeping at some point tonight so let's get going."_

Anya wraps Lexa's arm around her neck and they begin walking again. They take another break in the remaining ten minute walk to Jake's grave. They walk carefully with Lexa putting the majority of her body weight on Anya. Suddenly Anya stops and looks at Lexa.

_"It's right up there."_

Anya points further down the paved road. Lexa takes a deep breath.

_"You sure you want to do this?"_

Lexa gives her one of her signature single nods.

_"Ok."_

Anya readjust Lexa's arm around her neck and they start walking again. A few feet away Lexa can already discern Jake's grave because a baseball glove with a ball inside lays on top of it. Anya hears Lexa's breath catch in her throat. She knows Lexa saw it.

_"Costia insisted."_

Lexa heard Anya's words but doesn't say anything back. She just stares blankly at the glove. Anya takes a deep breath as Lexa's feet begin to drag. The closer they get to his grave the heavier Lexa's body feels.

_"The glove was Costia's idea. The ball was all Anya. She said a glove alone would be silly. That he needed a ball too just in case he wanted to play in heaven."_

Anya hears the sound that Lexa tries to bury in her throat but doesn't acknowledge it. They're now standing directly in front of his grave. Lexa was close enough to read his tombstone.

**_"Jacob Wells Griffin-Woods. August 14, 2019 - June 14, 2028. Son, brother, and best friend."_ **

 

_"Leave me."_

_"You can barely stand Lexa."_

_"I need to be alone with him."_

_"Lexa..."_

Anya was going to argue but Lexa looks at her and wordlessly lets her know it's pointless.

  _"I'm going to be right over there. If you need me just call."_

Lexa nods once before Anya leans down slightly to kiss the top of her head.

 _"It wasn't your fault. No one thinks it was. You just need to actually believe it."_ Anya mumbles just above a whisper before she squeezes Lexa's shoulder and walks away.

With Anya gone Lexa does her best to stand on her own but she can feel her knees threatening to crumble under her.

_"Jay..."_

A single tear rolls down her face. She stands in silence for a while. Thick tears run down her face. She thinks of the last time she saw him.

_"It should've been me. Not you. Never you."_

Lexa chokes on a sob because there's so many things she wants to say. So many things she should. Things that cross her mind every second of every day since she woke up. She wishes she could tell him: _"I'm sorry I missed practice. I'm sorry you were there that day. I'm sorry I never got to hear the story about the boy who made you blush. I'm sorry I took this case when everyone told me not to. I'm sorry I didn't take the threats seriously. I should have but I didn't. Your well being should've been more important to me than a win and a newspaper front page. I'm sorry that the last thing you felt was fear. You were scared and I couldn't do anything about it. The day you were born I promised I would keep you safe and I didn't."_ She wants to say all those things but her mouth won't cooperate. 

_"I'm the reason you're...it's...it was me. You're here because of me."_

She could've said so many things but that’s the only thing that comes out.

Lexa's weight becomes too much for her knees and she falls to the ground. Anya watches her sister go down but against her best instincts she stays put. She knows Lexa won't accept her help. Not yet. Lexa sits on the ground, looking at her son's grave, and for the first time in a long time she sobs with heartache. She's cried many times since she met Clarke almost two decades ago but they were always happy tears. A new baby, a big milestone, or maybe too much laughing. They were always good tears because ever since Clarke walked into her life she hadn't had a reason to cry with sadness. Not a single one. Her life before Clarke was dark and empty, but when Clarke literally burned her way into Lexa’s life that night it all changed. Now here she was, lower than she'd ever been. Broken and bleeding on a cemetery floor and feeling a thousand times the pain she felt after Costia died. She never thought anything could hurt that bad ever again. She was wrong. She was incredibly wrong. Her son. Her best friend. The one person she felt deeply connected to besides Clarke died two feet away from her and she never even got to say goodbye to him. Lexa wants to tell him so many things but she's never been good with words. There's so much to say but at the same time so very little that could actually make a difference now. Instead of words all that comes out of her is a guttural scream and before she knows it her fists are making contact with the hard, pebbley ground at full force. She hits the ground over and over and over again.

This Anya can't ignore. Lexa is hurting herself. She runs over and holds her from behind.

_"Let me go."_

Lexa struggles against her sister who holds Lexa's arms tight against her own body. Anya can feel the blood from Lexa's battered knuckles dripping onto her ankles but holds her firmly in place.

_"Let me go Anya!"_

_"No."_

Lexa tries to fight her but she wouldn't be a match to Anya with her normal strength, much less in her current situation.

 _"I hate you!"_  

_"You can hate me all you want but I'm not going to stand there and watch you hurt yourself. That's not how this is going to go."_

Anya tries to slightly readjust to get a better grip on Lexa until she can get her to calm down, but somehow as she does, Lexa manages to slip her right arm from Anya's hold and takes advantage of it. In the haste, Lexa flips them over and she swings.

_"Let me go."_

Lexa's fist makes contact with Anya's jaw. Even in this condition she was able to land a nice punch. It didn’t make any real damage, but it was strong enough to irritate Anya.

_"Fucking seriously Lexa?!"_

Anya's hand comes to her jaw. Lexa is struggling to get back on her feet, but she's stubborn and after a few seconds she's standing. Once she does she squares up across from Anya. Anya laughs and rolls her eyes.

_"You can't even stand straight. I'm not going to fight you. Let's go."_

Anya tries to grab her arm so she can drag her back to the car and to the hospital. Lexa responds by throwing another weak punch. One that Anya can easily deflect this time.

_"Do you really want to do this?"_

Anya pushes Lexa's shoulders. Lexa stumbles back.

_"Why do you always do this?"_

Anya shoves Lexa again. Lexa almost trips on her feet and comes very close to falling.

_"Huh? Why is it that the moment you feel something you don't like you want to act all tough even when everyone can see from a mile away that you're hurting? You did it when we were kids. You did it with Costia. You're still doing it now."_

Anya shoves her again. Hard. Lexa tries to land another punch.

_"It doesn't make you brave Lexa. It makes you a coward. Your life is never going to be the same. Fucking admit it and start to make peace with it. You're allowed. No one is going to think any less of you."_

Lexa tries to charge at Anya who quickly moves out of the way and pushes Lexa's back forcing her to fall face down on the ground. Lexa grunts as she hits the floor.

 _"You have people waiting for you at home. This isn't you and me against everybody anymore Alexandria. Other people need you. He's gone. That sucks. Trust me. I'm in_ **_pain_ ** _and he wasn't my son. We all knew what you two had. None of us can even pretend to imagine what you and Clarke are feeling. What you're feeling. You almost died and he's gone. Your son died Lexa.”_

Lexa flinches and somehow manages to sink lower into the ground as she hears that said out loud so matter of factly.

_“He's dead. You're not. You still have three daughters and a wife who puts on a straight face every day when actually we all know she is falling apart inside. She needs you. More than anyone, she needs you. You two are the only people who can understand what the other is going through and you don't get to bail on her. Not if I can help it. So feel it Lexa. Stop shutting your emotions down and fucking grieve him. I get why you did this shit when we were kids but you're not alone anymore. You haven't been in a long time. Stop going about life like you are. It does you or the people around you no favors.”_

For a second Anya thinks she’s done talking but she’s still angry and the words keep spilling out of her.

 _“And you know what? You don't want to do it for me or even Clarke?_ **_Fine_ ** _. But think about Costia. Your daughter is having a hard time right now even though she's exactly like you and would never admit it. Anya and Roa might be too young to get it, but Costia isn't. Costia knows what she lost. What you all lost. She knows what this means. She needs her mom. She needs_ you _. You need her too. Stop shutting everyone out. It's bullshit Lexa. It's fucking bullshit so cut this shit out.”_  

Anya looks at Lexa waiting for any response but her eyes remain fixed in the ground. The fact that Lexa is practically ignoring her infuriates Anya even more.

 _“Get on your damn feet and let's go. I promised your wife I would get you back home safe and that's what I'm going to do. The only way I can make that happen is to get you to stop fucking bleeding all over the place.”_ Lexa says and does nothing.

_“Move it."_

Anya offers her hand to Lexa so she can use it as leverage to get up but Lexa smacks it away from her face.

_"I will throw you over my shoulder if I need to. I can and I will if you make me. Don't test me Lexa."_

Anya extends her arm again and after a few long seconds Lexa reaches out and Anya pulls her back on her feet. When Lexa stands in front of her, Anya looks at her for a long few seconds before wrapping her arms around Lexa's body. Lexa pushes her away at first. She tries her best to push Anya away but that only makes Anya hold onto her tighter.

_"I'm sorry you lost him. It's not fair. None of this is but I'm so fucking happy I didn't lose you. I don't know what I would have done."_

The anger has washed away and Lexa can hear the sadness in Anya's voice. Her arms can't help but to wrap around her sister. They pull each other tight regardless of the bleeding hole in Lexa's side.

_"I'm glad you're still here. When Clarke called I...you can't fucking leave me okay? You're all I have so get your shit together because we gotta be there for each other. We made a promise all those years ago that we would. I'm here. I chose you to be my sister and I'm not going anywhere, but you need to hold your end of the deal too you dickhead. Ok?"_

Lexa nods against Anya's shoulder. They stand in silence for a long few seconds, neither wanting to let go.

_"I miss him."_

Anya's hand comes to Lexa's head and strokes her hair. They've never allowed each other to be this vulnerable before but neither of them have ever hurt this bad before. They're wading into uncharted territory here.

 _"I'd do anything to fix this Lexa. I swear I would."_  

Lexa doesn't allow herself to cry again so they just stand there clinging to each other for a good few minutes.

_"We need to get you to the hospital. Please don't fight me on it. Please. It's a fifteen minute walk. It's going to be a pain if you're bitching the entire time."_

Anya could swear she heard Lexa do something that sounded dangerously familiar to a chuckle for a split second before her arms fall down and she takes a step back looking at Anya and nodding.

_"Good because I didn't feel like carrying you anyway."_

* * *

They don't say anything on the walk back to the car, or while at the hospital, or on the drive back to Lexa's place.

It's morning by the time they get back and the girls are having breakfast in the kitchen when Anya virtually drags a drugged up Lexa into the apartment. Her shirt is almost completely stained dark red and her busted up knuckles are bandaged. Clarke almost loses her mind when she sees her, but Anya interjects before she freaks out any more than she already has.

_"It looks worse than it is. I promise. Doctors say she busted her stitches open but she didn't do much damage beyond that. It was just bloody. She needs to stay still for the next few days to stop it from happening again though. Her hands...well...that was all her being a meathead, but nothing's broken either. All she has to do is keep them clean."_

Clarke places her hands on either side of Lexa's face and looks into her wife's droopy eyes. She's so high on pain meds that it would be ridiculous to try and talk to her right now.

_"Ok. Let's get you to bed."_

Clarke points with her head towards the bedroom so that Anya can follow her.

 _"Is momma okay?"_ Costia asks poking her head out from the kitchen.

_"She's fine. Busted some stitches open last night. That's all."_

Anya plays it down.

 _"Cos, can you please go back and make sure Ro doesn't spill her milk everywhere while we put your mom to bed?"_ Clarke asks putting a faint smile on her face. Costia rolls her eyes knowing they're just trying to get rid of her and goes back into the kitchen.

Clarke and Anya put Lexa to bed and close the door gently behind them. Anya begins to walk away from Clarke but Clarke pulls her back and just about whispers.

_"What happened last night?"_

_"She went to his grave."_

_"And her hands?"_

_"She went to his grave and didn't take it well."_

_"Anya..."_

_"She needs time Clarke. The more we push it the more she's going to push back. You guys can be soulmates all you want, but I've known her longer than anyone else. Trust me. Give her time. Give her space. She's a moron when it comes to feelings. Let her sort it out at her own pace. I think she needs that more than anything right now."_

_"I want her to talk to me."_

_"I get that. I do. But that's not how Lexa works and you should know that by now. Lay off her Clarke. If you don't, I don't know how she'll react."_

_"Anya, I have a family to think about."_

_"And I'm telling you that the best thing for your family is to give your wife a chance to sort her brain out. She'll come around. Let her do it."_

Anya really wasn't in the mood for asinine discussions. Her and Clarke had been on opposite ends of decision making opinions since the shooting so their relationship was a little strained right now. Anya was doing her best to try and minimize the confrontation especially since the girls were in the house.

 _"I have to go."_ Anya pushes past her.  

Clarke rolls her eyes because she knows better than to argue with Woods women at this point. She trails behind Anya who walks into the kitchen to say her goodbyes to the girls. They beg her to stay but Anya insists she must go. Clarke chooses to watch the sweet exchange from a distance. Anya kisses all three of the girls one last time and promises to come back soon before heading for the front door.

 _"Thank you for getting her."_ Clarke says when Anya walks past her.

_"She's my sister. I'd do anything for her."_

Clarke trails behind Anya and holds the door open as she leaves the apartment. Anya walks a few feet before turning back to Clarke.

_"She loves you. She might have weird ways of showing it for a while, but you need to remember that. I know how she gets when she loses someone. Just know that she loves you. All of you."_

Clarke nods and Anya turns towards the elevator.

They all knew the roughest part of their lives was just about to start but none of them knew what lies ahead just yet. If only they had known it'd get a lot worse before it got better maybe they would have been more prepared for what was to come.

* * *

Lexa wakes up as the sun begins to set. She looks around confused. It takes her a second to realize where she is. She shoots up in bed forgetting how battered her body is. The moment she does she falls back hissing in pain.

_“Fuck.”_

Lexa rolls on her side and forces herself to sit up and stand. She hastily opens the drawer where she knows she will find pants in and pulls the first pair she gets her hands on out. She somehow manages to put them on, grabs the phone from the bedside table, and walks to the bedroom door.

Clarke was sitting at the dinner table helping Anya with her grammar homework when she sees Lexa stumble by heading towards the door.

_“Lexa?”_

Lexa refuses to stop. She can’t handle being inside that apartment another second. Clarke looks at Anya who looks at her confused and slightly scared.

_“Stay here Nana.”_

Clarke jumps on her feet and goes after her wife.

_“Lexa.”_

Clarke almost moves to grab her, but she remember what happened yesterday and refrains.

_“Lexa. Stop.”_

_“I told you I didn’t want to be here.”_

Lexa stumbles out the front door.

_“Where are you going to go?”_

Clarke follows her.

_“I’ll call Anya. She can come get me.”_

Lexa still heads towards the elevator.  

_“We can call Anya. We can do that, but it’s going to take her a while to get here. Come back inside and lay down until she does. Please. You…”_

_“I ca..._ No _. No.”_

Lexa interrupts her while fervently shaking her head. They get to the elevator door and Lexa presses the button repeatedly. Clarke looks at her pleadingly.

 _“_ ** _Please._ ** _”_

Clarke doesn’t say anything more than that, but Lexa understands how loaded that single word is. She knows everything that Clarke is asking - begging - her for. She gets it, she just can’t do it. Not yet. Not today.

Lexa actively tries to avoid having to answer Clarke by unlocking her phone and calling Anya. She answers on the second ring.

 _“I need you to come get me.”_ Lexa orders coldly into the phone.

Clarke buries her face in her hands as the elevator dings.

_“Nothing. I just need you to pick me up. I’ll be waiting outside.”_

Lexa ends the call without even the most basic of pleasantries. She walks into the elevator and rests her back against the wall to keep herself standing. She finally looks at Clarke as the elevator doors close. Neither of them speaks a word. 

Every part of Clarke screams at her to go after Lexa, but Anya told her to give Lexa space. To not push. To give her time. Contrary to what every cell in her body insists she does, that’s what Clarke decides is best right now. She turns and heads back to their apartment wiping the tears from her eyes as they fall. She takes a second to compose herself before walking inside and getting back to helping with homework.

* * *

Anya jumps out of a cab 45 minutes later to find Lexa willing herself to stand upright by stubbornly leaning against the building. Anya doesn’t say a word to Lexa because if she does, they’re going to argue and that sounds like the least productive thing to do right now. Anya helps Lexa back into the cab she just got out of and they head to her apartment.

The moment they walk in she forces Lexa in bed. Lexa is asleep before Anya can properly pull the covers over her. Anya looks at her sister and shakes her head before turning off the light and exiting the room. She grabs a beer from the fridge and a blanket from the closet then exhaustedly plops herself down on the couch. She takes a sip of her beer and unfolds the blanket over herself as she lays on the couch.

 _“One night. You get to steal my bed for one night Lexa.”_ Anya tells herself.

One night turns into almost four weeks worth of nights. Lexa refused to go back. Anya tried to convince her every day. Clarke tries. So does Raven, Abby, Marcus, and literally everyone else in their lives but Lexa isn't budging. Just the idea of being in a place that's brimming with memories of him in every corner sends a chill down Lexa’s spine. He was supposed to be turning 9 in two weeks. They had started to plan the party. He talked about it for weeks. Now it was just going to be another shitty Monday. 

Anya knows exactly what Lexa is avoiding. She was hoping she would willingly snap out of it, but now Anya understands that Lexa will never confront any of the things she needs to unless she is strong-armed into doing so. Lexa will hide until she is given no other choice and she can’t be complicit in it for another second.

_“You can't stay here anymore.”_

Anya throws the bag of clothes that Clarke had brought over this week next to Lexa's feet.

_“I can't sleep on that couch another night Lexa. My back misses the memory foam.”_

That's the best excuse Anya had come up with after thinking for two whole days. That's how the conversation started and no matter how hard Lexa resisted and attempted to stonewall, Anya didn't really give her a choice this time. She wasn’t having it.

_“You're not going to use my apartment as an excuse to hide from your problems. I won't let you. You can find somewhere else to stay if you insist on fucking this up further so get up. I'm taking you home or I'll drop you off wherever you want me to, but you're not spending another night here.”_

* * *

Clarke and the girls watch a movie in the living room enjoying their last few minutes before bedtime. Roa sings along to the song blaring from the TV as she leans against Clarke. Anya and Costia are both on their phones only raising their eyes every so often to look at what’s happening on the screen. There’s a knock on the door and Clarke looks in that direction confused. She wasn’t expecting anyone this late. She kisses the top of Roa’s head and gently nudges her so she can stand up and head for the door. Clarke swings the door open and on the other side she finds the last person she expected to see tonight.

_“Lexa.”_

Lexa says nothing. Her eyes immediately fix on the picture staring back at her. Clarke looks past Lexa and at Anya who is standing against the far wall by the elevator. Anya motions with her hands urging Clarke to invite Lexa inside. Clarke looks back at Lexa.

_“We’re watching ‘The Lion King’ for the billionth time. Want to join us?”_

_“He had the greenest eyes.”_

Lexa comments without taking her eyes of the photo of the six of them.

_“He did.”_

After a beat Lexa finally looks at her. Their eyes meet for the first time in what feels like forever. Clarke can’t help but wrap her arms around Lexa, bury her face into her neck, and breathe her in.

 _“He really did.”_ She whispers against Lexa’s skin.

This is the first time Lexa has let Clarke be this intimate with her since the shooting. When Lexa doesn’t immediately push away Clarke relaxes into her. Lexa doesn’t exactly reciprocate the affection, but Clarke will take whatever she can get right now. This half-assed hug is still better than nothing.

_“I thought we hid the copy of ‘The Lion King’.”_

Lexa whispers into Clarke’s ear as she hears Roa loudly singing along to the movie prompting a wet laugh from her wife. The first honest one Clarke has had in a long time.

 _“We did. I seem to have_ finally _found it.”_

Clarke pauses breathing Lexa in one last time before letting her go and leaning back so she can look at her again.

_“She needed it.”_

Lexa nods in response without adding anything. She takes a deep breath and steadies herself before allowing her feet to move and bring her inside what used to be her safe, happy place but that now feels foreign and cold instead.

_“Thank you.”_

Clarke mouths at Anya as she hears Roa’s joy when she sees Lexa walk into the living room. Anya nods back in acknowledgement before Clarke closes the door with a faint smile on her face.

Maybe she can allow herself to hope that this means they were on their way back to being who they used to be.

(They weren’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	3. July 1, 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's March 3rd so this is pure, unadulterated, gross fluff. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**Tuesday July 1st, 2014**

Lexa lays naked in bed attentively taking in all the curves, beauty marks, and small details of Clarke’s nude back while she peacefully sleeps face down. Lexa smiles contently as she takes in the rhythmic rise and fall of the body resting just inches away. She smiles because she never thought she’d have mornings like these again after Costia died and certainly not five years worth of mornings like these with someone else.

Lexa smiles and thinks about all that Clarke and her have gone through the last five years. Everything from that nonsensical night where Clarke ridiculously blazed into Lexa’s life, to moving in together a few months later, to the almost disastrous stress levels of Lexa's undergrad senior year, to Lexa getting into Columbia Law while Clarke stayed at NYU finishing her Art History degree, to Clarke's own graduation followed by her frustrating job search, to now where they constantly find themselves trying to juggle their relationship, adulthood, and Lexa’s demanding law school schedule. There wasn't a second of it that Lexa regretted though. Well, perhaps some of the arguments were better left forgotten, but even their heated disagreements are what made them Clarke and Lexa.

Lexa fixates her eyes on Clarke as she runs her hands through her hair. She sits in silence and turns her attention from Clarke to the middle drawer of the dresser that stands across the room. Lexa thinks.

Lexa must have been lost in her thoughts for much longer than she assumed because suddenly she acknowledges the fact that Clarke’s fingers have been gently caressing her arm as she stirred against her. Lexa looks over as Clarke turns to face her while smiling sleepily with her eyes still closed. Clarke lays like that for a few seconds before slowly blinking awake to find her girlfriend staring at her. They gaze at each other without saying a word and as the time passes, the smiles on their faces grow increasingly bigger and more radiant.

_"Happy birthday baby."_

Clarke scoots impossibly closer to her girlfriend and leans over sweetly to kiss her. Lexa hums against Clarke's lips.

_"How does it feel to be 25?"_

Clarke's lips hover millimeters away from Lexa’s.  

_"Same as when you asked me that last night at midnight."_

_"You're really no fun."_

Clarke throws her knee over her girlfriend’s waist, straddling her, and sitting up to reveal her naked breasts. Lexa's eyes immediately wander to the perky nipples staring back at her.

_"Like what you see?"_

Clarke cocks an eyebrow sensually.

 _"I do. You know I do...but I have class with Professor Tierney in..."_ Lexa leans over, grabs her phone from the bedside table, and glances at the time before putting the phone back down. _"...an hour and fifteen minutes."_

_"That's quite a long time."_

Clarke leans down to kiss Lexa's jaw.

_"Campus is a half an hour train ride away and that's if the train is on time."_

_"That still gives you about 45 minutes."_

Clarke kisses down Lexa's neck and towards her collarbone. Lexa finds herself trying so very hard to resist the naked girl grinding against her stomach but failing.

_"The train station is a fifteen minute walk from here."_

_"Half an hour."_

Clarke sucks on Lexa's bottom lip.

 _"I still have to shower and change and pack my books because thanks to you and last night they're scattered..."_ Lexa whispers and arches her back when Clarke's lips wrap around one of her nipples and her voice goes up about an eighth. _"...all over the living room."_

_"Five minutes then. You know I can make that work. Anything for the birthday girl."_

Clarke looks up at Lexa through hooded eyelashes as she runs her tongue in circles around Lexa's hardened bud.

 _"You know..."_ Lexa loses her train of thought when Clarke's hands begin to wander down her stomach. _"You know it won't be five minutes."_

_"It could be."_

_"It won't."_

Lexa insists with a sense of urgency as she convinces herself that this is a dangerous idea. Even though it's the last thing she wants to do, Lexa grabs Clarke's hand by the wrist and stops her from moving further down her body.

_"I can't miss 'Law Enforcement, Regulation, and Compliance' this week Clarke. This class is my way into the DA's office. I have to impress Tierney and perfect attendance is part of that. If we start it won't be five minutes and we both know it."_

Lexa apologizes to her girlfriend with her eyes.

_"It's your birthday. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I let you go out into the world without birthday sex?"_

_"A responsible one."_

Clarke dejectedly rolls off Lexa and huffs.

 _"Babe…”_ Lexa forces Clarke to look at her. “... _we had sex for four and a half hours last night. Most of it after midnight. It definitely counts."_

_"No. Your birthday starts once you wake up, not the night before. Everyone knows that."_

Clarke grouses petulantly and Lexa laughs. She rolls onto her side and looks at Clarke.

 _"What?"_ Clarke rolls her eyes. _"What?! You know I hate when you look at me like that."_

Clarke grumbles.

_"When I look at you like you're the most beautiful woman in the world?"_

_"Yeah. Exactly."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"Because it's wrong. How I could I be the most beautiful girl when you exist?"_

Lexa howls laughing.

_"Smooth Griffin. So smooth."_

Lexa leans in to kiss her.

_"Smooth enough to get me laid?"_

Lexa laughs at the devilish way Clarke looks up at her.

_"Maybe later."_

Lexa leans down to kiss her as she moves to get up from bed but Clarke quickly sits up, wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck, and pulls her back.

_"No. I still get my five minutes with the birthday girl."_

Clarke demands obstinately. Lexa kisses her arms.

_"I really should get up."_

Lexa whispers.

 _"You're already going to leave me alone...in bed...all day...during the summer..._ **_ON YOUR BIRTHDAY_ ** _...because you insisted on taking summer classes. The least you can do is stay five more minutes with me."_

Lexa rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

_"How can you make me feel guilty on my own birthday?"_

_"Because I'm that good?"_

Lexa leans back crushing Clarke between her body and the mattress.

_"You're heavier than you look you know."_

_"You've never complained about being under me before."_

_"It never tends to be like this so..."_

_"Fair enough."_ Lexa rotates her body so that she's facing Clarke. _“Better?”_ Clarke nods.

_"Happy birthday love."_

Clarke utters reverently.

_"Best birthday ever."_

_"You say that every year."_

_"That's because they're all great next to you."_

_"You're so gay. It's unbelievable."_

Lexa cackles.

_"There's a very naked girl under me. I thought that would be obvious."_

_"You're the worst."_

_"Nah, you don't believe that."_

_"I don't. Not even a little."_

_"I thought as much."_

Lexa leans in to kiss Clarke. The kiss is tender, warm, and intimate. They stay like that for the next few minutes until Lexa breaks the kiss.

_"I have to go."_

Lexa leans in and pecks Clarke one last time.

_"No. Not yet."_

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck tighter.

_"Clarke."_

_"One more thing. Just one more."_

_“You’re so difficult.”_

Lexa cracks a smile. Clarke smiles back and tightens her hold keeping Lexa in place.

_"Ok. What?"_

_"Where do you think we'll be five years from now? The day you turn 30?"_

Lexa takes a deep breath and ponders the answer. She lays her head on Clarke's bare chest as she reflects. Clarke immediately begins to affectionately run her hands through Lexa’s messy hair. Lexa doesn’t speak for over a minute.

_"Will the answer scare you?"_

Clarke shakes her head no and leans down to kiss the top of Lexa’s head. Lexa takes another deep breath and intertwines her fingers with Clarke's before kissing the back of Clarke's hand.

_"So...July 1st 2019 then, huh? Well, I'd hope I've somehow convinced you to be my wife by then. I'm working at the DA's office. ADA would be great but First ADA would be excellent. You have a great job somewhere doing something you love. Maybe a gallery. Also still painting. We're making enough money to move out of this shit hole. Somewhere with actual ventilation where you can work inside and not get yourself high with your own paint fumes."_

_"Ideal."_

Clarke laughs.

_"I'd have a home office so we don't kick my things around while we're having sex.”_

_“You always do complain about crinkled files.”_

_“There’s a baby in a crib in the corner. Maybe a toddler in their own room."_

_"Two?! No way."_

Clarke contends almost insulted.

_"You asked!"_

_"I've told you one is my limit and definitely not in the next five years."_

_"We'll see about that."_

_"I'm serious!"_

_"Uhum."_

_"We are not having more than one baby."_

_"Need I remind you that two years ago you were adamant you weren't having any kids at all? I already have you sold on one. I just need time to work you up to four."_

_"We are_ **not** _having four kids Lexa! Never in a million years."_

_"Ok."_

_"Don't sound so smug when you say that."_

_"It's my birthday. I'll sound however I want to sound."_

Lexa pronounces defiantly.

_"I hate you."_

_"No you don't."_

_"No...I don't."_

_"I knew that already."_

Lexa notes conceitedly.

_"Actually, I take it back. I do hate you."_

Clarke pushes her away and Lexa snickers.

_"No five year plan for you. And certainly no more than one baby."_

_"Right. Totally."_

Lexa mocks Clarke and Clarke wrangles herself from under Lexa just so she can throw herself on top of her pinning Lexa to the bed.

_"You..."_

Clarke pokes Lexa in the chest.

_"Me what?"_

Lexa answers back defiantly.

_"You...have a great five year plan."_

_"I do?"_

_"You do. Did. You did. Right up until the kids part."_

Clarke shrugs.

_"So the being my wife part is right up your alley?"_

Clarke looks confidently into Lexa's eyes and taps her index finger on Lexa's chin.

_"I'd marry you anywhere, anytime. All you have to do is ask."_

Lexa stares at Clarke. She peers into those dazzling blue eyes then scans the rest of her features. She cautiously runs her eyes over every inch of Clarke’s face. Everything from the bright albeit messy blonde hair, to the delicate beauty mark above her full lips, the lovely nose, and the silly smile she currently has painted on. That’s when Lexa realizes that no moment would ever be more perfect that this. Right here. Right now. The two of them naked in bed on her twenty fifth birthday and talking about their future was as idyllic as it was going to get.

Lexa leans up to hastily peck Clarke on the lips before moving Clarke’s naked body aside and leaping off the bed heading for her dresser.

_"Way to kill the mood Lex. You could've at least..."_

Clarke stops dead on her tracks when she looks up to find a completely naked Lexa Woods standing in their tiny and shitty two bedroom Queens apartment holding a ring box.

 _"You have to bear with me here because I’m about to completely wing it. I have been planning what I wanted to be this really intricate and faultless thing for months, but it seems like I decided to throw that out the window thirty seconds ago because you said all I had to do was ask and I guess it's a theory worth testing so...this is me asking you, Clarke Griffin, if you want to be my wife and spend the rest of your creative, beautiful, and totally unpredictable life with my boring and curmudgeonly self. I will probably work a lot and you'll hate me for it just as much as you hate how much time I spend studying, but I promise, I_ **promise** _you Clarke that I will love you like one else will or even could. On the days I make you hate me I'll love you enough for the both of us. If we don't have babies I'll still love you. I will love you until I run out of days and ways to love you. I'll love you more than anyone has ever loved anything before. I know I can because I already do. I'll make your needs my own for as long as you’ll let me and no matter how deeply I loathe your friends sometimes - okay...most of the time - I'll be totally happy dealing with them for the rest of our lives because if they're your people, then I guess they're my people too.”_

Lexa scratches her head nervously trying to figure out what else to say but she comes up with nothing.

_“So...what do you say Griffin? You want to marry me?"_

Lexa asks suddenly bashful.

Clarke is sitting up in bed, hands covering her mouth, with the sheets pooled at her waist staring at Lexa wide eyed. Clarke remembers making fun of Octavia after Lincoln proposed because of how stunned she was. Clarke insisted there was no way a proposal would ever take her by surprise. She pompously told Raven and Octavia that she would probably call Lexa planning to propose weeks before it happened because _“If there was one thing Lexa Woods wasn’t an expert at was subtlety.”_ She distinctly remembers saying that. Yet here she was, naked and caught completely off guard by Lexa who is most definitely standing in front of her just as naked and holding a box with a ring in it. Her girlfriend really...wait...fiance? Girlfriend? What does she call her now? Clarke probably needs to answer the question first and then she'll know what Lexa is supposed to be.

 _"Oh my god."_ Is the first thing that comes out of her mouth. _"Lex...oh my fucking god."_

_"I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing."_

Lexa conveys coyly. Clarke leaps out of bed and into her girlfriend's (fiance's?) arms peppering her face with kisses.

_"Is that a yes?"_

Lexa asks confused.

_"That is a thousand yeses."_

Clarke leans in to kiss her.

 _"_ _A million yeses."_

Clarke kisses Lexa again.

They kiss for what seems like forever before Clarke separates their lips and rests her forehead against Lexa's.

_"I love you."_

Lexa takes a deep breath as she hears those words and smiles earnestly.  

_"I love you too.”_

Clarke and Lexa stand in the middle of their bedroom, naked, resting their foreheads together, and smiling as they both try to piece together what just happened because this is definitely not the way either one of them expected their morning to go. They look at each other confused before Clarke chuckles.

_“What the fuck Lex?”_

Clarke inquires in shock.

_“I know. That really did just happen.”_

Lexa responds just as incredulously.

Clarke brings her hands to cup Lexa’s face and her thumbs gingerly stroke Lexa’s cheeks. Clarke tries to speak but the last thing she can be right now is coherent.

_“Do I get to put this on you now?"_

Lexa brings up the ring box to Clarke's view and her blue eyes grow wide and sparkle in excitement. Lexa takes the ring from the box and easily slips it on Clarke's ring finger. Clarke stares at the ring and then at Lexa and then back at the ring then back at Lexa before she leans in for another kiss.

 _"How did you end up giving me a gift on_ **_your_ ** _birthday?"_

_"No. I didn't give you anything. This is the best gift I could've gotten."_

Lexa kisses Clarke this time. Clarke, in turn, wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and arches her body towards Lexa’s. The kiss quickly escalates and before long they find themselves stumbling back to the bed.

_"I thought you had class."_

_"I do.”_ Lexa kisses her once more. _“I did. Let's not make a habit of me skipping class."_

Lexa requests between kisses while Clarke smiles against her lips.

_"You're going to be my wife."_

Clarke declares with a smug smile punctuating every word with a kiss.

_"I am."_

_"For the rest of your life."_

_"Forever."_

Clarke smiles as she decides to kiss her way down Lexa's body.

_"We're going to have to come up with a better story than this because no way in hell are we telling my mom and the kids that we got engaged while naked and that I ate you out two minutes later."_

Lexa laughs loudly. Clarke kisses her hip bone and keeps moving further down Lexa’s skin. Right as Clarke is about to disappear between Lexa’s legs, she interrupts her.  

_"You said 'kids'."_

_"What?"_

Clarke responds looking up quizzically at Lexa from between her legs.

_"You said ‘my mom and the kids’. Kids. Plural. More than one."_

Lexa boasts and Clarke dramatically groans while rolling her eyes but never stops moving. She dips her head between Lexa's knees and right before her tongue makes contact with Lexa's clit she speaks one last time.

_"We're not talking about that right now."_

Within ten seconds the subject is all but forgotten and completely out of Lexa's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	4. May 2031

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Post-Jake chapter but much further down the line than the previous one. This is probably equal parts fluff and mild angst so you guys won't be coming into my Tumblr inbox telling me you sobbed. At least I don't think so :)
> 
> Also...I was getting questions through comments on AO3 and on my Tumblr inbox in regards to the kids and particularly what they look like. I constantly forget that not everyone lives inside my head and can see the things I see. Who would’ve thought that descriptions of them would come in handy? lol. I made some posts on my tumblr that should help give you a better idea of who the kids are in terms of both physical traits and personality. 
> 
> These give a small glimpse into what their lives looked like at several different points during the months leading up to Jake's death. Because of where it stands in the timeline, Aden wasn't included in the original post for obvious reasons. He wasn’t born until approximately two years after Jake died. When I left him out several people started asking about him so I made another post focusing just on him. You can check them out here:
> 
> Family: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/158043569200/clexa-family-au-part-2-the-griffin-woods  
> Aden: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/158062435005/clexa-family-au-part-3-the-griffin-woods
> 
> If you still have questions/comments about the kids, please feel free to let me know.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**May 2031**

_"Absolutely not."_

Lexa rests the small of her back against the kitchen island with one year old Aden hanging from her hip drinking a bottle as Clarke moves around the spacious kitchen making dinner with Anya and Roa's help. Anya stands on one end of the island cutting up vegetables and Roa stands on a step stool so she can help with the salad. Costia is meant to be helping too, but her responsibilities were promptly abandoned once the same argument they’ve been having for days was rehashed yet again.  
  
_"MOM!"_

Costia looks at Clarke for back up.

 _"Your mom said no, Cos. It's a no."_  
  
_"Do you guys have individual brains or do you share that too?"_  
  
_"Watch it."_

Lexa glares at her.  
  
_"Give me one good reason you're saying no Lexa."_

Costia looks at Lexa crossing her arms and cocking her eyebrow feistily. It’s moments like these which remind Lexa that Costia really did inherit every last bit of Clarke's petulance.  
  
_"You're disrespectful, for starters."_  
  
_"Ok...Lexa."_ Costia rolls her eyes and turns back to Clarke because talking to Lexa is getting her nowhere. _"Mom, how is this fair?! It’s the year end party. Everyone's going!"_  
  
_"Well, 'everyone' doesn't live in this house or have to follow our rules so I guess that would probably explain it."_

Costia groans at Lexa's interjection.  
  
_"I was talking to mom Lexa, but thanks."_  
  
_"Your mom already told you. The answer is no."_

Clarke doesn't even have to take her eyes off the cutting board to know what the look on her daughter's face is.  
  
_"You still haven't given me a valid reason why I can't go."_  
  
_"Because you're 15 and that party doesn't sound age appropriate. Is that "valid" enough for you?"_  
  
_"What the hell does "age appropriate" even mean?!"_  
  
_"Language."_  Is all Clarke adds to that.  
  
_"I'm not Roa. You can't treat me like a kid."_

Costia looks between her moms.  
  
_"I'm not a kid! I'm nine and a half!"_

Roa huffs.  
  
" _Whatever. Stop butting in."_

Costia barks back and glares at Lexa. Roa makes a face mocking her.  
  
_"Mama more."_

Aden adds forcefully shoving his empty bottle against Lexa's face. Clarke looks up from the cutting board and addresses Lexa.  
  
_"I pumped while you were giving him a bath. There should be some more in the fridge."_

Lexa nods and sets the baby down on the counter as she walks to the fridge.  
  
_"Can we not ignore this?!"_

Costia becomes evidently vexed at the change in topic.  
  
_"You know what 'not being a kid' entails? Adults have a job, pay rent, and bills. Do you do any of those things?”_ Lexa pauses only for a split second because she knows if she gives Costia any room to answer she’ll come up with some smartass retort.  _“Didn't think so. Once the answers change to 'yes' then_ maybe _you get to have a say in the rules your mom and I make for this family. In the meantime, Griffin-Woods household laws state that if you're not old enough to vote, you're not old enough to go to parties where there will be no verifiable adult supervision. You can submit your appellate brief if you'd like and we will review in three years. Give or take."_

Lexa teases Costia while making Aden another bottle.

_"You can't just tell me where I can go Lexa! That makes me a prisoner. That's a violation of my rights."_

Costia blurts out melodramatically. A collective eye roll sweeps across the kitchen as a result of Costia’s antics. Lexa makes a mocking face and jeers at her.  
  
_"Oh no. You should get the HRW on the phone. Perhaps the UN? I'm sure they'd love to take your case."_

Lexa words ooze sarcasm as she hands Aden a bottle with more milk.  
  
Something somewhere between a groan and a scream pours out of Costia’s mouth before she turns around and stomps out of the kitchen. Seconds later her bedroom door is slammed shut hard enough to rattle the entire apartment.  
  
_"I'm going to take that door off its hinges one of these days. We'll see what she takes it out on then."_  
  
_"You two are the reason I have these."_ Clarke points to the barely noticeable frown lines on her forehead. _"The day you give me a gray hair I'm moving out."_  
  
_"Please don't leave me alone with them."_

Lexa pleads jokingly and Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You guys wouldn't make it a day without me."_  
  
_"We really wouldn't."_ Anya murmurs.  
  
_"I'm so glad we didn't screw you up Nana."_ Lexa kisses the top of Anya's head. _"Cos was our practice run and we know how well that turned out, but we seem to have gotten it right with you. We made a good teenager Clarke."_

Lexa beams with fake pride. Anya and Roa snicker. Clarke walks past Lexa on the way back to the pantry and gently shoves her in response to the joke.  
  
_"I can feel the frown lines getting deeper with every word."_ Clarke squeezes Lexa's arm to get her to turn her attention to the stove. _"Can you stir this and can you two set the table? I'm going to go make sure she's okay."_  
  
_"She's fine. She's just throwing a toddler temper tantrum."_  
  
_"Don't let that stick to the bottom."_

Clarke purposefully ignores what Lexa said and hands off the spoon before walking out of the kitchen. The girls do as they're told without protest.  
  
_"Don't tell anyone, but you three are my favorites."_

Lexa kisses Aden's head. Anya laughs.  
  
_"You're my favorite too momma."_

Roa fails at whispering as she wraps her arms around Lexa's waist.

* * *

Clarke manages to drag Costia out of her room for dinner which leads to a fairly tense and conversation-free meal that involved a significant amount of plates, silverware, and glass hammering against the table at the hands of a particular member of the family.  
  
_"If you break it, it's coming out of your allowance",_ was Lexa's response to the exceptionally aggressive setting of a half empty glass on the wood. This immediately prompts Costia's request to be excused. In an attempt to save herself from indigestion and/or another screaming match, Clarke allows her eldest go back to her room.  
  
The rest of the night seems to go off without a hitch. The kitchen is cleaned, homework is checked, and the kids are put to bed. Once everyone is tucked in, Clarke and Lexa sit on the couch wrapped up in one another watching one of those space documentaries Lexa loves until sleep starts to get the best of Clarke. Clarke kisses her wife goodnight and leaves her to finish the episode knowing Lexa will move to her office as soon as it does.  
  
Lexa had gotten better. She was making an effort and everyone around her could see that. They acknowledged it and cheered her on because they were proud of how far she'd come in the last five months. She was virtually unrecognizable from the person she was for years after Jake died. Clarke's ultimatum evidently did what it was supposed to. It made Lexa confront her shortcomings and truly comprehend where her priorities needed to be.

Regardless of all her progress, nights were still hard for Lexa. She could find ways to keep her mind distracted when the house was vibrating with the unbridled chaos four children bring, but the moment everything went quiet there would be nothing to keep her from focusing on the weight that took permanent residence in the center of her chest the day Jake died. Lexa has made a lot of progress when it comes to being around other people, but she has a long way to go when she’s alone. What she’s never stopped struggling with since the shooting is sleeping and pills don't seem to help, so they've settled on a new nightly routine: Clarke goes to bed and Lexa reads until her body gives up on her. Some nights she makes it to bed, but more often than not she either stays up all night or falls asleep at her desk. Sleeping in a chair is doing wonders for her back.

Lately Lexa has spent a lot of nights contemplating the possibility of going back to work. They told Lexa her job would be waiting for her if she was ever ready to come back regardless of how long it took. It might seem like another way to keep her brain busy, but beyond the distraction it could offer, Lexa knew she was damn good at being a prosecutor and she really does miss it some days. She knows Clarke would love the idea, which is exactly why she's held off on bringing it up during therapy. She knows once she puts it out there her wife, her sister, her therapist, and everyone else will push her to do it. She wants to make sure she's truly ready for it before she does. She’s done letting people down.  
  
Lexa intends to give the situation some more thought that night, but the day seemed to have been particularly tiring because Lexa was uncharacteristically exhausted quite early. At least early by her standards. It was barely 1AM, but she decides to close her book the moment she feels her eyes droop once because she's determined to sleep in her own bed tonight for the sake of her spine. Lexa bookmarks the anthology she had been reading, shuts off the light, and exits her office. She's made a habit of checking on Clarke and the kids halfway through the night, but she'll do the rounds earlier today. Anya, Roa, and Aden are all sound asleep and she makes her way down to the last door on that side of the hallway before heading to bed herself. She walks inside and leans down to give Costia a kiss but is met with bunched up blankets and sheets made to look like a sleeping body instead.  
  
_"You didn't.”_

Lexa turns on the bedside lamp in Costia’s room to find an empty bed.

_“Costia you better have not."_

Lexa mumbles to herself knowing full well that Costia in fact did.

Lexa retrieves her phone from her pocket and calls Costia.

No answer.

She hangs up and tries again.

No answer.

She calls a third time but this time she lets it go to voicemail.

 _“Costia you have_ **_exactly_ ** _two minutes to call me back.”_

Lexa hangs up and sets a timer. After a minute passes she sends Costia a text.

 **TEXT:** _“This phone better be ringing in less than 47 seconds.”_

No call comes.

Lexa stomps from Costia’s bedroom to the bedroom she shares with Clarke and barges in unceremoniously. She heads for the closet, turns on the light, and pulls one of the jackets from a hanger. She grabs some jeans and a pair of shoes before heading for the bed. She throws the jeans on the bed and the shoes on the floor and slips out of her sweat pants. As she’s moved around the room rather carelessly, Lexa managed to wake up Clarke.

_"Lex?"_

Clarke mumbles sleepy and confused.

_"Your daughter...your daughter..."_

Lexa is so incensed that she can't even finish her sentence.

Clarke sits up in bed trying to rub the sleep off her eyes. She goes to look at the time on the clock. It's 1:18am.

_"Who did what now?"_

A nonplussed Clarke follows Lexa with her eyes as she darts around their bedroom hastily putting things in her pockets.

_"Costia went to the party."_

_"What party?"_

_"The one she’s been talking about all week and that I_ **_specifically_ ** _and_ **_repeatedly_ ** _said no to. The one with college boys and alcohol and no real adult in sight."_

In that moment Lexa's phone rings. Costia's name and picture come up on her screen. Lexa doesn’t hesitate to pick up. Lexa starts talking instantly, not giving Costia a chance to even speak.  

_"I don't want to hear it and I don't care where you are, you have 15 minutes to be home. Fifteen Costia. Not one more."_

Clarke curls her lips and grouses as she gets up from bed walking up to Lexa and pulling the phone out of her hand.

_"Cla-"_

Clarke puts her hand on Lexa's mouth to stop the unavoidable argument that was about to ensue.

_"Cos...it's mom."_

Lexa tries to grab the phone back but Clarke uses her free hand and her body to pin Lexa to their dresser keeping her in place.

_"Mom don't let her come after me. I'll head home right now. I promise. She's going to embarrass me if she shows up."_

Clarke can immediately tell Costia has had a few drinks because she's slurring her words, but she doesn't sound incoherent and Clarke carries on with the conversation.

_"Can you make it back okay?"_

_"Yes. Tris and I will get in a cab right now but please tell her not to show up here."_

_“Are you sure you don’t need one of us to pick you up?”_

Lexa unyieldingly tries to move Clarke's hand away from her mouth and take back the phone but Clarke pins her to her dresser even harder and moves her face away to make the phone impossible for Lexa to reach from that angle.

_“Yes. I swear. I'll go straight home. We’re leaving the moment I get off the phone. Please don’t let her come get me. Please mom.”_

_"Just get home before two. Ok?"_

Lexa’s muffled words grow louder against Clarke’s hand when she hears that.

_"Is Lexa really mad?"_

_"You got yourself into this one. I can't help you there. Wrap it up and come home. Be safe. I love you."_

Clarke hangs up the phone and as soon as she does she stops putting pressure on Lexa's body and moves away from the dresser.

_"What was that?!"_

Lexa utters indignantly.

_"That was me stopping you from causing a scene. Lexa...she's fifteen and she's a good kid. She wanted to go to a party with her friends. I went to many parties and had a beer or two when I was her age. I turned out fine. Can we not make this into a bigger deal than it is? It's late."_

_"She snuck out of the house to go to a party and she’s probably been drinking and..."_

_"AND she's going to come home and you're going to let her sleep it off and then you'll get to scream at her tomorrow if you really feel like it. I think the hangover will be punishment enough but I won't fight you on it if you decide to ground her beyond that. Just go easy on her okay? Please. She's starting to have fun again Lex. Don't make her feel guilty for it. We can go back to “house laws” tomorrow. Let her have tonight."_

Clarke pecks Lexa’s lips before she can even protest and starts walking back to bed.

_"Wake me up if she's not home by two."_

_"But..."_

_"Lexa. I'm going back to sleep now."_

Clarke gets back under the covers on her side of the bed and turns off her lamp. As it stands, Clarke Griffin-Woods is the one person who could win an argument against the best lawyer in the state of New York without even really trying.

_"She better still be alive when I wake up."_

Clarke states as she gets comfortable in bed.

_"Why are the two of you so difficult?"_

Lexa stomps out of the room frustrated and Clarke smiles into her pillow because Lexa will most definitely fail to see the similarities between that and the “temper tantrum” she was accusing Costia of throwing earlier.

 _"I love you."_ is the last thing Lexa hears as she closes the door behind her.

Costia is absolutely and undeniably screwed and Clarke knows it.

* * *

The front door begins to open thirty four minutes later by Lexa's count. That is nineteen more than Lexa would've wanted, but the sight of Costia coming home unharmed is enough to make her anger dissipate a little. But only a negligible amount. She's sitting on the throne-like armchair that lives directly across from the front door because she wants to be the first thing Costia sees when she walks into the apartment.

_"Oh, fuck."_

Costia thinks she mutters under her breath when she’s caught off guard by the imposing image of a cross legged Lexa gawking at her.

_"I heard that."_

_"Shit."_

Costia tries to reprimand herself.

_"I heard that too."_

Costia is clearly too drunk to be good at this right now.

_"Bed. Now."_

_"Lexa I-"_

_"Costia, this won't end well for you if we try to do this right now. I would suggest you walk down that hallway in absolute silence and get to your bed in record time."_

Costia sighs and begins to walk to her room.

_"Thank you for listening to mom and not coming to find me. That would've sucked."_

Costia begins to absentmindedly walk towards her room. Not ten seconds later she rams her body face first into the edge of one of the walls and quietly giggles to herself as she tries to straighten up.

_"I'm good. I'm good."_

Costia turns to look at Lexa but fails to be at all reassuring.

Lexa can feel a growl ripping through her chest but Clarke did ask her not to commit murder so she white knuckles the edges of the plush chair and stays seated. She hears Costia's door shutting and sighs while running her fingers over her tired eyes before getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

Lexa pulls a glass from one of the cabinets, fills it with water, and heads to Costia's room.

* * *

Lexa steps into her daughter’s bedroom to find her with her dress stuck halfway up her head as she stumbles trying to get it off. Yes, Lexa would certainly recognize the humor in this scenario had the circumstances been any different, but right now she is more annoyed than anything that this is what she walked into.

Lexa takes a deep breath trying to calm herself down. She puts the glass of water on Costia's nightstand before walking over to where the teenager staggers in circles.

_"Let go."_

Lexa commands sternly and Costia immediately complies. That dress was definitely too tight and too short for a fifteen year old to own. She was confiscating it the moment she got it off her head, which Lexa does in no time.

_"There. Do you want sweats or shorts?"_

Lexa asks as she walks to Costia's dresser.

_"Whatever."_

Costia tries to stand as straight as she can.

Lexa keeps taking deep breaths, willing herself to maintain her composure. The last thing she wants to do tonight is to start an argument with her drunk teenager at two in the morning. She pulls out the first pair of comfy looking sleeping pants and shirt she sees in one of the drawers and walks back to Costia. That’s when she realizes Costia was wearing lingerie under the dress. She was confiscating those tomorrow too.

Lexa throws the pants over her shoulders but keeps the shirt in her hands.

_"Arms."_

Costia instinctively raises her arms. The shirt is on. 

_"Legs."_

Costia puts her hand on Lexa's shoulder and raises one leg at a time. Pants are on.

As she does this, Lexa finds herself being flooded by evocative memories of her trying to dress a much younger Costia many years ago. This used to be their exact routine on the days Lexa would be in charge of getting her ready. Lexa had forgotten how much she missed this. Costia isn't her baby anymore. She’s so far from it and for a second Lexa feels like crying.

_"Bed."_

_"Okay."_

Costia slurs as she stumbles over to the bed and flings herself onto it, landing on the mattress with a thunk.

_"No. Sit up."_

_"Nu uh."_

_"Costia. Sit up."_

Costia groans and half sits up only to find a glass of water millimeters away from her face.

_"Drink this."_

_"I don't want to."_

_"You're really pushing your luck right now Costia. Drink it."_

Costia reluctantly grabs the glass and chugs every drop of it without breaking eye contact with Lexa.

_"See. All done."_

Costia pokes her tongue out showing Lexa her empty mouth. Once she knows Lexa can see it’s all gone she gives her a witless drunk smile. Lexa really doesn't want to think about how and when Costia learned to knock back a drink like that. Not right now.

_"Good. Now go to sleep.”_

Lexa waits for Costia to lay back before she begins to tuck her in.

“ _You and your mother...you're going to be the death of me. You are. At least the other ones listen to me, but you two...you two are so difficult."_  
  
Lexa turns off the light on the night stand and is about to leave the room when Costia turns to look at her.

_"I dream about him you know.”_

Lexa’s blood runs cold and her eyes shoot up to look at the half silhouette of Costia she can make out on the bed thanks to the moonlight pouring in through the window bay.

_“I haven't forgotten him. I know you haven't either. No one else likes to talk about it and I don’t get why but I wish we did because I still miss him."_

Lexa feels her heart sink and she tries to find the right words but before she does, Costia speaks again.

_“You’re hovering and you’re making me dizzy.”_

Lexa is more than stunned when Costia mindlessly throws back the covers that Lexa had just folded over her, seemingly inviting her mother to get in bed with her.

_“If you keep standing I’m probably going to throw up.”_

Costia closes her eyes to avoid looking at Lexa. Lexa decides not to overthink it and goes for it.

_"You have to move over."_

Costia clumsily scoots over making just enough room for Lexa to lay down and _maybe_ not fall off the bed. Lexa lays on her back staring at the ceiling for a few seconds before reaching for the covers Costia had pushed away and throwing them over herself so Costia can stay warm. Lexa was confused enough that they had gotten here somehow, but what completely flabbergasts her is the fact that Costia moves in closer. She expects Costia to realize what she did and reel back any second, but when she doesn’t Lexa frees her arm from under her daughter’s body and wraps it over her shoulder. Costia moves even closer and rests her head on Lexa’s chest. At this proximity Lexa can finally smell the alcohol on Costia.

_"Oh god Cos. How much did you have to drink?"_

_"Just one."_

_"Sure you did. You and I are having a conversation tomorrow."_

_"I know. I'm dreading it already."_

Lexa can't help but laugh at the level of candor. She knows none of the other kids would ever even consider saying something like that to her. As irritating as it was, Costia was known for having very few filters and it seemed like she was especially honest tonight.

Lexa strokes Costia's hair and looks down to find her daughter playing with her shirt. She immediately notices that what Costia is doing is the exact same thing Clarke does with her fingers when she fidgets with Lexa’s shirt. There’s so much of Clarke in Costia that it really throws Lexa off sometimes. Clarke is starting to insist that Costia is beginning to look less like her and more like Lexa, but Lexa can’t see it. Not for a second.

There's silence between them for a bit and Lexa can tell Costia is starting to drift off because she's sleepily clutching onto Lexa just like she used to do when she was younger. She debates letting it go and letting her sleep, but frankly she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get another night like this with Costia so she presses her for information because she’s genuinely curious.

_"What do you dream about?"_

_"Different things. I dream about him almost every night. Sometimes it's silly. I’ll walk into the kitchen and everyone's there. We’re laughing and we're happy. Just like we used to be before...before it happened. A lot of times it's just me and him and we talk. We're in the park sitting in that spot that he loved and I tell him about everything that's happening. It feels like he’s actually there somehow."_

_"What do you tell him?"_

_"Everything. I tell him everything. And he doesn't always say much. He was never a big talker but when he does it's always really smart. You and him can be the same that way."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah. I’m still angry at you because of what happened. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being mad, but I don't always mean to be rude. It’s just that sometimes you do something that reminds me of him and it hurts.”_

Lexa chokes back tears because it’s taken all this time for her to finally get a glimpse as to what goes on in Costia’s head and now she doesn’t know what to do with this information.

 _“He was my little brother and you always told me I needed to take care of them because I’m the big sister but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything and I still can't."_  

A beat of silence.

 _"_ _I wish we could bring him back."_

_"I wish we could too Cos."_

Costia doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, but she eventually asks Lexa another question.

_"Do you think they miss him? Everyone but you and me?"_

_"I know they do. Sometimes it's easier to not talk about it though. We can't really blame them for it."_

_"I can. It makes me angry. It feels like people pretend he wasn't real. That he didn't exist. Like everything’s okay now that Aden is here."_

_“That’s not true. You know that.”_

_"Mom doesn't ever talk about him. Why?"_

_"She does. She talks about him in her sleep a lot. I think she dreams about him too."_

_"That's not enough. I want people to remember him."_

_"Costia, we remember him. There's no way anyone could forget him. Ever. He was the most special little boy and so many people loved him."_ Lexa has thick tears streaming down her cheeks now, but she does her best to hide it from Costia. _"But sometimes getting better means not always talking about things. I’ve learned that recently."_

_"Well I don't like that."_

Lexa lets out a wet laugh at her daughter's stubbornness.

_"Of course you don't.”_

A few seconds of silence pass before Lexa speaks again.

“ _If you ever want to talk about him you can always come to me."_

Lexa whispers into Costia’s hair. Like a secret that’s supposed to stay between them.

_"Ok."_

_"Ok."_

Silence falls between them again for a few minutes as tears continue to fall from Lexa's eyes.

_"Can I ask you a question?"_

_"Of course."_

Lexa kisses the top of Costia's head.

_"Do you think he was scared? When he was...when he was dying? Do you think that scared him?"_

_"He was the bravest person I ever met Cos. He wasn't afraid of anything. Not even that night. There...he...we didn’t really talk, but I know him and I know he was more worried about me than he was about himself."_

_"Yeah...that sounds like Jake."_

Costia titters thinking about it.

_“It does, doesn't it?"_

Lexa pulls Costia closer.

_"I miss him mom. So much."_

_"I do too."_

Silence falls between them once more, but this time no one breaks it. Lexa's heart buzzes with the fact that for the first time in as long as she can remember Costia hadn't called her by her first name. That will probably change in the morning, but for now it gives her a much needed sense of peace. Before either of them know it they're both asleep.

* * *

Sometime half past four, Clarke wakes up to an empty bed and decides to go make sure Lexa and Costia haven’t butchered each other.

The living room, kitchen, and office are empty so she heads for Costia’s room. She walks into the teenager’s bedroom room to something she never thought she’d get to witness again. She finds her wife and daughter holding each other in bed with Costia still laying on Lexa’s chest. It's been a long time since she's seen Costia and Lexa like this. It’s been years actually. Ever since Jake died they always seem to find an excuse to bicker and holler about something or the other. Clarke knows why though. They would never admit it, but they're too much alike. They butt heads all the time because they’re practically the same person. They’re both incredibly bullheaded, they’re really fucking opinionated, they both like to be in charge, and neither of them know how to love any other way besides fully and deeply. Identical poles of two magnets repel each other if brought too close together and that’s what Clarke sees happening between them on a daily basis.

Clarke considers leaving them like this, but Lexa's head is resting at an uncomfortable angle against the headboard. She knows Lexa is going to be in pain tomorrow if she sleeps all night like this so Clarke walks over to her and whispers.

_"Lex."_

At first nothing. 

_"Babe."_

Lexa begins to stir.

_"Lex come on. Let's go to our bed."_

Lexa groans.

" _Do you have a snooze button?"_

Clarke tries to contain her laugh to avoid waking Costia up.

_"Come on."_

Lexa groans even louder this time but tries to move away from Costia as softly as she can. It takes her a few seconds because Costia kept tightening her grip on her, but Lexa eventually manages to leave the bed. She stands up and faces Clarke with half lidded and sleepy green eyes.

_"What time is it?"_

_"About 4:40."_

Lexa rubs her neck. It's clearly sore.

_"Ugh."_

Lexa rests her forehead on Clarke's.

_"I'm glad you didn't kill her."_

_"I came very close to doing it."_

_"I'm sure. Looks like you guys had a good moment though."_

_"I think we did. She's still very much grounded as of the moment she wakes up, but we talked."_

_"About what?"_

A loud, whiny groan can be heard from the bed.

_"If you guys are going to have a conversation can you leave my room? I’m trying to sleep."_

_"Watch it Costia."_

Lexa responds aggravated while Clarke tries to contain a snicker. If there was one of their kids that had inherited Lexa's insolence she knew it was definitely Costia. Clarke walks over to the bed and kisses whatever little bit of Costia's head was left uncovered by the duvet.

_"Goodnight baby."_

_"Shhh!"_

Costia states in return and Clarke smiles. Yeah...she was definitely Lexa’s kid.  
  
Clarke intertwines her fingers with Lexa's and they head to their room.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa climb in bed after checking in on the other three children. Clarke lays her head on Lexa's chest and immediately begins to fidget with her shirt. It doesn’t take Clarke long to begin to doze off but Lexa has something to ask before she does.

_"Can we go visit him tomorrow? We haven't been in a while. Not all of us together at least."_

Clarke nods and kisses Lexa's neck.

_"I'd like that."_

* * *

Clarke falls asleep before Lexa. Lexa stays awake a little longer staring at the picture frame on her nightstand. Inside it there's a print of Lexa frozen mid laugh while holding a two-and-a-half month old baby Jake during his first Halloween. He’s looking at Lexa more than slightly confused as she tilts her head back in laughter prompted by the fact that Clarke surprised her by dressing him in the most adorable raccoon costume. Clarke had walked out of the nursery, immediately handed the baby off to her wife, and snapped that picture of Lexa’s reaction without warning. It instantly became one of her favorites and it’s been on her nightstand ever since. Lexa vividly remembers how insanely happy she was seeing him in that thing for the first time and smiles.

_"Night Jay. Visit me sometime too. We have a lot to talk about."_

It’s not long until Lexa falls asleep.

That night Lexa dreams of Jake. They chat and they laugh and every second of it feels all too real. Needless to say, it’s the first good night’s sleep Lexa has had since the night before he died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	5. Early July 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

* * *

**Early July 2015**

Clarke sits on the bathroom floor with her head resting back on the edge of the tub, her eyes closed, and her hands resting on the belly popping out of her midriff. She was waiting - hoping - that the nausea would pass soon enough. Everyone said the morning sickness would stop after the first trimester yet here she was, 21 weeks in, at 8:48pm, on her bathroom floor after throwing up for the past hour and a half preceded by the same thing all day at the gallery. Hers was definitely more of an "all day sickness" rather than “morning sickness” and being constantly queasy was making her perpetually cranky the last few weeks.  
  
It wasn't just the morning sickness that was making her grouchy though. It was the dull pain in her back. It was the fact that her clothes didn't really fit anymore. It was that she was hormonal all the damn time and that she couldn't even keep up with her mood swings or the rest of the ways this baby was wreaking havoc on her body. More than anything though, she was pissy because she'd barely gotten to see Lexa the last few weeks. Some days - especially during the hard ones where she would spend hours in this exact position - she wondered how Lexa managed to convince her to have a baby at twenty two when she had never wanted kids in the first place, but those are the kinds of things Lexa can effortlessly do. Somehow Lexa talked her into this and here she was. Alone, sweaty from dry heaving, and kind of pissed off that her soon to be wife wasn't home yet.  
  
Clarke was more than kind of pissed off actually. She got why Lexa worked so hard. She did. Eight thousand people applied for positions at New York City DA's offices across all boroughs this year and Lexa was one of the select 43 that were chosen. Lexa blew everyone away at her Panel interview and got in as an Assistant Prosecuting Attorney in the White Collar division at the Manhattan DA's Office. It was a glorified training position in what Clarke understood was a less than stellar department. Lexa was brought in to a position that allows the ADAs to put the new kids through the ringer in order to get them to learn the ropes and do the job well. Lexa was one step above a clerk and her superiors were treating her as such, but they were in the middle of a big case and the work she was doing mattered to the big picture and the success of the case. Doing well in White Collar meant she could keep moving up. Working at the DA's Office was Lexa's dream job and Clarke couldn't hold it against her for working crazy hours and then bring more work home, but this whole baby thing was also Lexa's dream and Clarke was feeling a little alone in it. Clarke knew she wasn't literally alone. Lexa texted her a hundred times a day to check in and when she was around her fiancee was beyond amazing. Clarke would always have Lexa fussing over her and making sure she felt loved and cared for, but that's _when_ she was around. There hadn't seemed to be much of that going on lately and it was really starting to get to Clarke.  
  
Clarke felt her stomach turn again. She felt her mouth salivate more than normal. She got clammy. She knew what was about to happen so she quickly got on her knees and buried her face in the toilet bowl again. She stayed like that for another fifteen minutes before she decided she couldn't handle the cold tiles anymore and moved to the couch. If she puked on the couch, then she puked on the couch. That’s how little Clarke actually cared at this point.

* * *

The train doors open in front of her and as she steps in Lexa scans the crowded space for any open seats. She spots one halfway down the subway car and beelines straight for it. The last thing she wants to do after the day she's had is to also stand the entire way home. She uses her long legs to her advantage and beats a forty something year old hipster to the seat. She quietly congratulates herself for it because today is one of those days where all you can do is cling to the small victories. Once seated she removes the strap of the loaded leather messenger bag from her shoulder and drops it on her lap. The moment that weight is off her body, Lexa rubs her tired eyes before resting her eyelids against her fingertips and putting pressure on them. Somehow that helps with the faint headache she’s had all day. It also helps with the slight burning in her eyes. The burning that always happens when she’s had her contacts in for too long. She’s truly desperate to take them out by now. Getting home to do that and kissing Clarke are the only two things keeping her from shamelessly lying on the floor of this grimy train and taking a nap. She moves her hands from her eyes only because she wants to check in with Clarke.  
  
**TEXT:** _Just got on the train. I'm on my way. Can't wait to see you. Feeling any better?_  
  
**TEXT:** _I love you!_

 **TEXT:** _Both of you :)_  
  
Lexa puts her phone on top of her bag and digs into it looking for a particular folder. She might as well do some of the reading during the half an hour ride from her office in Manhattan to their shitty apartment in Queens. The lead prosecutor tasked Lexa with going through sky high stacks of boxes brimful of evidence for the case in the hopes that something in there would assist them in getting a win. She was determined to do just that. Rumor around the office was that one of the ADAs in Major Crimes was leaving for a corporate lobbying job soon and Lexa had her eyes set on that opening. Major Crimes is where she's always wanted to be and this could be her shot at getting in sooner than she ever expected. It’s one of the most competitive divisions with the least turn around so she is well aware these opportunities don’t come often. Lexa knew she impressed a lot of people with her resume, her virtually undefeated track record on the mock trial team, and during her interviews, but she needed everyone to notice her and keep her in mind so that she would be a natural candidate for the opening. The only way she could do that was by working harder and being better than any person around her. She heard eight other staffers were short listed for the job and not only was she determined to be the ninth person they looked at, but she wanted to be the one who ultimately got the offer.  
  
Lexa looks at her phone again checking to see if Clarke had replied. She hasn't. Lexa has this nagging feeling that Clarke might be upset and she also thinks she has a pretty good idea why, but Clarke hasn't said anything and Lexa knows better than to poke at it. Even if Clarke were to say something, there really isn't much Lexa can do about the hours she's working at the moment. It's a sacrifice she has to make now to be able to cement a solid future for their family. She despises being away from Clarke, but she has to put in the work if she wants to get that position at Major Crimes. She only hopes that Clarke eventually understands.  
  
Lexa puts her emotions aside as she cracks the folder of monotonous financial statements she has to go over tonight. She can't be sidetracked by her feelings right now.

* * *

Clarke lays on the couch flat on her back with the TV playing in the background. She isn't really paying attention to whatever is on, but it beats dealing with the lingering nausea in silence. She'd started feeling it dissipate in the last ten minutes, but there was still the phantom sensation of bile in the back of her throat and she is trying to will it away. The jingle of keys breaks her concentration and seconds later she hears the front door creak open. Clarke fixes her eyes on the front door so she can see her fiancee walk in. It doesn't take Lexa long to meet Clarke’s eyes and she smiles tenderly.  
  
_"I thought you’d be asleep since you never replied to my text."_

Lexa throws her bag on the floor and walks over to the couch as Clarke maneuvers the new center of gravity her growing belly has left her with so she can sit up.  
  
_"Hi."_

Clarke smiles back as Lexa walks over and sits next to her. Lexa places one hand on Clarke's cheek and the other one instinctively goes to Clarke's abdomen as she leans in to kiss her softly. They kiss for longer than either of them intended and soon they have to come up for a real breath of air.  
  
_"Hi."_ Lexa smiles and rests her forehead on Clarke's. _"How are you feeling?"_  
_  
_ _"Like I never want to see or smell food ever again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds like a terrible idea when you’re supposed to be eating enough to grow another human. I'm sorry you're not feeling well though."_

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and pulls her close.  
  
_"I'm glad you're home."_

Clarke nuzzles into Lexa’s neck. 

 _"Me too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You want to watch something? I wasn't really paying attention to this. We could restart it."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa’s pulse point before she leans back to look into Lexa’s eyes. Lexa smiles regretfully and Clarke immediately knows what that means.  
  
_"You finally decided to come home but you brought work with you. Great."_

Clarke’s words are heavy with bitterness and sarcasm as she unwraps her arms from Lexa's neck and scoots back on the couch putting some space between them.  
  
_"I tried to get out earlier but I'm starting to believe that the number of files that find their way to my desk is endless. There's a lot of reading I need to do and I don't have enough hours while I'm there to do it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm so fucking over your work Lexa. I really am.  It's all you can think about."_  
  
Ah...there it was. Lexa was right, but also Clarke was being irrational. She should know that there is no way she wasn't in Lexa's thoughts all day long.  
  
_"That's not true Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're there all day, you've gone in on Saturdays and bring back more work for Sundays every single weekend this month so I don't even get those with you anymore, and when you do come home late at night you keep working. How am I wrong? Please. Tell me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My work is not all I think about."_

Lexa asserts decisively.  
  
_"Really? Because it sure feels like it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke I..."_

Clarke interrupts her before she can continue. _  
_ _  
_ _"If I'm wrong then don't look at whatever is in that bag tonight. Watch a movie with me then we'll go to bed and have sex before we pass out and do all this exhausting bullshit again tomorrow."_  
  
_"Babe, that sounds amazing. It does, but I have at least ten boxes of files sitting in my office that I need to process before Friday. I can't. I wish I could, but there's no way I get through them without bringing some of it home. Once the trial starts things might calm down and then I can come home at a normal hour and we can watch all the movies you can think of and have as much sex as you want. Maybe even both at the same time."_

Lexa tries to play it off but Clarke is not having it.  
  
_"The trial doesn't start for weeks Lexa. And even then you're only giving me a "_ might" _. I hate this, I hate being pregnant, and I fucking hate us right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know what you want me to say Clarke. My job is more complicated than looking at paintings all day. I can't just quit and watch you consider what brush stroke you're going to use on a canvas that Tuesday."_

The moment the words leave Lexa's mouth she regrets them. Clarke's eyes immediately begin to fill with tears.  
  
_"Is that what you actually think about what I do? That I just mindlessly look at art all day and play with paint? Silly Clarke with her childish job."_

Lexa can hear the pain and anger in Clarke's voice.  
  
_"I didn't mean that. I'm tired. I didn't mean that."_  
  
Lexa’s words drip regret and she tries to close the physical distance but Clarke backs away.  
  
_"It sounded like you did."_

Clarke gets up from the couch to put even more space between them.  
  
_"Sorry that we can't all be the brilliant Lexa Woods with her full ride scholarships to Ivy Leagues and impressive career prospects. The rest of us must seem so small to you. Don't we Lexa?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I had to work really hard for what I have because I didn't have parents to foot the bill for the things I wanted. I didn’t have anyone actually, so yeah, I am proud of how far I've come Clarke. Kids like me don't get to where I am without a lot of work and sacrifices. Kids like me usually don’t even make it all."_  
  
Lexa bites back. Clarke looks at her and Lexa can see fire in her eyes, but now Lexa is mad too so there's no way this is going to end well.  
_  
_ _"What is that supposed to mean?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Which part?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The part where I'm apparently a spoiled brat who got everything handed to her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's not what I said."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Isn't it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're twisting my words."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm pretty sure I'm not."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to be so difficult all of the time? All I wanted to do was come home and spend some time with you."_  
  
_"No, I'm pretty sure all you wanted to do was come to your second office and read your stupid fucking files. I'm sorry that me living here is such a distraction to you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cla-"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What are you going to do when the baby_ **_you wanted_ ** _is here? You think you can shut it off whenever you need to go spend hours looking at papers? Boy, do I have news for you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I'm well aware that's not how it works."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh right. I forgot. How could you not be? Genius Lexa knows everything, doesn't she?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're insufferable sometimes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So are you."_  
  
They both stand in silence looking at each other heatedly. Lexa decides against saying anything else and worsening the situation so she walks past Clarke and towards her bag.  
  
_"Do not pick that thing up Alexandria."_

Lexa now knows with certainty that Clarke is irate because that name only leaves Clarke’s lips when she is truly upset. _  
_ _  
_ _"I have reading to do."_

Lexa snarls defiantly as she bends down to get the bag she had carelessly discarded next to the front door and brings it back over to the coffee table by the couch.  
  
Clarke tries very hard not to cry when Lexa sits down on the couch and starts to take out the stack of folders inside it. Once everything is out, Lexa tosses the bag aside. She takes a deep and centering breath as she opens the first folder.  
  
_"I was out of line and I'm wholeheartedly apologizing for it. I'm sorry Clarke. I am. And I hope you know I didn't mean any of it because that is not how or what I think. At all. Never have and never will, but I don't have the time to argue about any of it right now. I need to focus on_ this _. There's a lot riding on it."_

Lexa speaks measuredly and pragmatically.

_"I really can’t fucking stand it when you try to lawyer me with that stupid voice and demeanor."_

Clarke galumphs back to their bedroom and whips the door behind her.  
  
Lexa's collected appearance cracks and as soon as she hears the door slam she buries her face in her hands. She allows herself only two minutes to be upset before she pushes her feelings aside and gets back to work. The only way she can get through these files is if she devotes as much time as possible to them. Clarke being upset with her would have been for nothing if she can't get the Major Crimes ADA job so now, more than ever, she needs to make sure she is the person who gets it. Lexa grabs her highlighter, looks back down at the files, and begins to read. That's the only thing she does for the next few hours.

* * *

Clarke sobs in bed for a while, but eventually she stopped. She was livid for about an hour but then most of that went away. There's still some anger, but more than anything she's sad. Also a little disappointed, but sad would probably be what best describes what she's feeling right now. She knows Lexa didn't mean it. She knows because she didn't mean any of the things she said either. She doesn't want Lexa to be mad at her for what came out of her mouth when she was angry so it would be hypocritical of her to not do the same. She's not mad, but she's...something. Could be hungry. Fuck, her emotions are so confusing right now.  
  
Sometime close to midnight Lexa walks into their bedroom and even though Clarke’s back is facing away from the door, they’ve been living together for so long that she can ascertain exactly what Lexa is doing and in what order she’s doing it just by sound. Lexa is nothing if not a methodical creature of habit. Clarke hears her placing her phone on the bedside table. Lately Lexa only puts that thing down when she is ready for bed, so Clarke can tell she’s done for the night. Clarke knows Lexa will take forever in the bathroom getting her contacts out, brushing her teeth, and braiding her hair so she decides to beat her to it.  
  
_"I have to pee."_

Clarke gets up from the bed and heads for the small bathroom in their bedroom.  
  
Lexa nods as she takes her clothes off and changes into sleeping shorts and a thin t-shirt. A minute later Clarke leaves the bathroom and heads back to the bed. Lexa walks into the bathroom and closes the door after her which Clarke finds exceedingly odd because they really are way beyond the “closed bathroom doors” stage in their relationship. Before she has too much time to think about it, her stomach grumbles. Yeah, she is _definitely_ hungry. She hasn't had much to eat today and what little she did ended up getting flushed down the toilet at some point or another, so she heads to the kitchen to see what she can find.

* * *

Lexa walks out of the bathroom about twenty minutes later and comes across an empty bed. She instantly wonders where Clarke could be. Lexa is about to go find out but when she opens the bedroom door she can hear Clarke moving things around in the kitchen so she lets her do whatever she’s doing in there this late and heads for the bed instead.  
  
Lexa lays down and wraps the warm covers around her body the second her head hits the pillow. This right here is definitely the highlight in her shit day. This is the only thing she's been looking forward to since she left home this morning, except for the fact that in her ideal scenario Clarke was also in bed with her. What she really was looking forward to was having Clarke held tight against her body and allowing Clarke’s rhythmic breathing to lull her to sleep, but she makes peace with the fact that no contacts burning inside her eyes and a warm blanket will have to do tonight instead.  
  
A few minutes later Clarke waddles into their room. She really has become obviously pregnant and every time Lexa sees her like this her heart grows a little. Lexa never thinks she can love this girl anymore than she already does, but every day Clarke manages to surprise her by increasing the limit. Even on the days like today.  
  
Clarke plops down on the bed absolutely gauchely and Lexa rolls her eyes but doesn't say anything. She'd rather try and sleep than risk triggering another fight because she has another long, brutal day starting in just a few hours. Lexa closes her eyes and is determined to fall asleep when Clarke turns around making their cheap mattress shudder and interrupting Lexa's wind down process. They lay in silence long enough for Lexa to start fading away when Clarke sighs loudly. Lexa let's it go but about a minute later Clarke's repeat exaggerated sigh causes her to speak.  
  
_"What?"_

Lexa asks exasperated.  
  
_"What?"_

Clarke replies and Lexa turns to face her.  
  
_"What's wrong?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing."_

Clarke replies really unconvincingly.  
  
_"Clarke..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."_

Clarke smiles at her tired fiancee who is staring back at her with half open eyes.  
  
_"Go to sleep. You're tired."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Will you just tell me what you're thinking about? Please."_

Clarke leans over and kisses her gently on the lips.  
_  
_ _"Nothing. Sleep."_  
  
They lay still in the darkness for a couple of minutes before Clarke sighs again.  
  
_"Oh my god. What?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Huh?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm hungry and I tried to find something to eat but nothing really looks good because of churros. I'm really craving churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's twenty past midnight Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I know. I just can't stop thinking about them. It's fine. We'll live."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you sure?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Stupid craving. That's all. Good night."_  
  
Clarke leans over, kisses Lexa's lips, and curls into her. Minutes later Lexa is starting to finally drift off for what feels like the fiftieth time tonight when Clarke sighs deeply again. Lexa sighs just as deeply in response and gently moves Clarke's body off of hers and starts to get up from the bed.  
  
_"Where are you going?"_  
  
Clarke inquires as Lexa turns on the light and goes sifting through drawers pulling out sweat pants and a hoodie. She wouldn't need anything else for a New York City summer night.  
  
_"To get you churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex. You don't..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke we both know neither one of us is going to sleep until you've had churros so I might as well go now before it gets any later."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't have to. I'm fine."_

A fully clothed Lexa leans over and kisses Clarke before slipping her glasses on her face.  
_  
_ _"I don't have to, but I want to. It's the least I could do after today."_  
  
Lexa grabs her keys and is about to leave their room when Clarke jumps off the bed. At least as fast as she can with a five month old belly in her midsection.  
  
_"I'm coming with you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not going to let you go to the Bronx to get me churros after midnight alone"._ _  
_ _  
_ _"The Bronx? I was going to go to Maria's."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But El Charro has better churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes, but El Charro is a thirty five minute train ride away. Maria's is a ten minute walk."_  
  
Clarke looks guiltily at Lexa as she slips on one of the oversized hoodies she’d stolen from Lexa years ago in college and Lexa rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Fine. Fine. At least make sure you bring your metro card this time."_  
  
Clarke smiles and rummages through her wallet trying to find her card.

* * *

They do the ten minute walk to the station in silence with Clarke’s arm wrapped around Lexa’s while they hold hands. Trains run less often at night meaning they have a longer wait than usual before the right train even arrives. After about twenty minutes of waiting Clarke feels Lexa’s head softly hit her shoulder.  
  
Clarke turns to look at her sleeping fiancee snoring softly resting against her and kisses the side of her forehead. She runs her fingertips up and down Lexa’s arm as she watches people walk on and off the odd train that stops at their station. She doesn’t know who they are or what they’re dealing with, but the one thing Clarke can be certain of is that she’s luckier than any of them. They may have bad hours or days and frankly sometimes weeks, but moments like these - the “middle of the night at a train station on their way to needlessly go get food” moments - are the ones that put everything in perspective. Sure, they drive each other insane in more ways than one but Clarke is convinced neither of them would trade what they have for anything. Clarke is ripped from her thoughts by the static the speakers emit before every time there is an announcement.  
  
_“The E train with destination to the World Trade Center is now approaching.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex. Hey...babe. Train's coming"_  
  
Lexa lethargically wakes up and loudly whimpers when she realizes she is not in bed and still has hours to go before she is back in it. Lexa gets on her feet and they walk towards the platform.

_“The E train with destination to the World Trade Center is now arriving.”_

They walk onto the train and claim two of the seats by the doors of the nearly empty car.  
  
_"I'm sorry I fell asleep."_

Lexa groggily rests her forehead against Clarke's and closes her eyes.  
  
_"I'm sorry your baby has some pretty inconvenient food preferences."_ Clarke gently kisses Lexa’s lips. _"I think it gets that from you."_  
  
_"It probably does."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sleep. I'll wake you up one stop before."_

Lexa opens her eyes and looks at Clarke.  
  
_"I've barely seen you these past few weeks. I'm sorry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You have nothing to apologize for. I get it. I don't love it, but I get it."_  
  
Lexa squeezes Clarke's hand and runs her thumb over her soft skin. It's about all the energy she can muster right now.  
  
_"I'm really proud of you, you know? We both are."_

Clarke places a hand on her stomach and smiles.  
  
_"How crazy is this? I'm on a train going two boroughs down at one in the morning to get churros for my very pregnant fiancee and our baby. It's downright insane."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We could both be in bed sleeping or having crazy sex if you hadn't insisted on this whole baby thing."_

Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Shut up. You love it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I kinda do."_  
  
They both look at each other and smile before Clarke leans in to peck Lexa on the lips.  
  
_"Sleep."_

Lexa shakes her head no.  
  
_"How does it feel when it moves again? Describe it to me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I've already done that. Many times."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One more time won't hurt."_

* * *

Clarke and Lexa transfer trains at some point during the next thirty minutes but they never stop talking about the pregnancy, the baby, and all the future plans they have for him or her.

* * *

They get to the Mexican place close to two in the morning and order more churros than they could possibly ever eat, but Clarke is pregnant and greedy and they came all the way out here so they're going to be pigs about it and enjoy every damn second.  
  
Once they have the spoils of their trip, they embark on the reverse adventure and head back home. They snack on churros the entire time they walk to, wait for, and ride in the train. They get off at their stop while in the middle of an animated conversation that Lexa had initiated about types of baby bottles and the benefits the parenting books (she was currently somehow getting through) highlighted in the heated battle of glass versus plastic. They walk up the steps of the station and the moderately chilly breeze hits them. Clarke pulls Lexa closer to borrow some of her warmth. Instead of making a right at the corner of the station though, Lexa makes a left.    
  
_"What are you doing?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Night picnic."_

Lexa guides them to the park that is five minute walk from the train station in the opposite direction of their shitty two bedroom apartment. _  
_ _  
_ _"Night picnic? Lex, it's 2:51am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds like night time to me so...night picnic."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"All we have is half eaten churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Churro night picnic."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and follows her fiancee into the dimly lit park. Lexa picks a spot far enough from the fluorescent lights so that is sufficiently dark that they can pretend they’re watching the stars, but illuminated enough for them to not get potentially killed. Lexa helps Clarke sit down on the grass knowing full well it’s probably going to be an event to help her up later, but she’ll worry about that when the time comes. Right now all she wants to do is lean back and look up at the stars she knows would shine between the trees were it not for the light pollution. Clarke looks at her like she’s demented, but follows along with the plan anyway.

They talk and laugh some more until the conversation naturally lulls slightly because they're both beyond spent. The longer they lay here the more their breaths even out and sync up. Without much trouble Lexa could seriously fall asleep here. Just as she’s about to suggest they head home, Clarke breaks the silence.  
  
_"I’ve been thinking a lot and I know what I want to name it if it's a girl."_

Lexa turns her head to look at her intrigued. She can tell Clarke is working herself up to something so she smiles reassuringly and squeezes her hand.  
_  
_ _"So I don't get a say in it?"_

Lexa asks with a fake disgruntled tone which gets a chuckle out of Clarke that culminates in the most adoring smile***. For the first time today Lexa feels that Clarke is carefree. All she sees in her fiancee is joy. No worries or problems or any of the earlier anger on her mind at all. Nothing beyond this moment.  
  
_"No. Maybe you get to name the next one."_

Clarke adds absentmindedly.  
  
_"The next one? I could've sworn you insist almost daily that we're only having one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shut up."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes when she realizes she’s been caught yet again and Lexa smiles at her.  
  
_"So...what's the name?"_

Lexa squeezes Clarke's hand reassuringly again.  
  
Clarke sits up and turns her body to face Lexa. Lexa does the same so that they're sitting directly across from each other. Clarke offers her empty hand which Lexa quickly fills with her own hand. Now they're holding both of each other's hands and as if a reflex by now, Lexa immediately runs her thumbs over Clarke's skin.  
  
_"Promise me you'll at least consider it before shutting it down."_  
  
_"We're not naming her Bellamy are we?"_

Clarke cackles.  
  
_"Lex, if we have a girl we're not naming her Bellamy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Good."_  
  
They both sit in silence for a second before Clarke locks eyes with Lexa and speaks.  
  
_"Costia. Costia Abigail Griffin-Woods."_  
  
Lexa is instantly taken aback and she goes to speak but Clarke interrupts her.  
  
_"Shhh...listen first and then maybe I'll let you try to talk me out of it. Just...listen. Okay?”_

Lexa nods while looking at Clarke perplexed and trying to figure out what will come out of her mouth next because this is indisputably the last thing she would’ve ever thought Clarke would suggest.

 _“I love you. So much. You have no idea how much actually. And I know all the things you lost before I came along to keep you safe. I know I can never give any of that back to you but I can do my best to help you make new memories. I know how deeply losing her hurt you and that you feel she is missing out on so much life. If we have a girl, I want Costia to live. At least a part of her. I want to give you a reason to not be sad when you hear her name. I want that name to stop reminding you of loss and what ifs and be associated with laughs and love and fun instead. I can't give you the old Costia back, but I could give you a new Costia. A Costia that is as much yours as she is mine. A Costia that will look up to you and love you no matter what. Maybe I went too far, maybe I crossed a line. I know how much she meant to you even if you never talk about it. So if you hate it I get it, but you've given me so much and I want to give you something too. Let me give you her name back. Let me do at least that much."_  
  
Lexa hasn't moved an inch since she heard the name slip out of Clarke. Hasn't even blinked. Feels like she probably hasn't taken a breath either. And she stays like that. Frozen. For longer than she can surmise.

Clarke doesn't push her. She's learned not to push her fiancee. She's learned that Lexa doesn't usually say that much all the time but that when she does, it matters. Clarke has learned to let Lexa come to her at her own speed. So they just sit there. In silence. While Lexa processes everything Clarke just said.  
  
They sit quietly for a while. Clarke examines Lexa's face closely looking for clues of how she feels, but she can't really unriddle where Lexa’s clever mind has gone and where she stands. It seems like Lexa is about to speak a few times, but ultimately she doesn't.

Minutes have passed since either of them have spoken when Lexa moves one of her hands away from Clarke's and places it on Clarke’s stomach. Her eyes focus on her hand. She doesn't say anything and her eyes remain fixed on the hand on Clarke's belly and another long while goes by before Lexa allows herself speak.  
  
_"Costia."_  
  
She looks at Clarke and Clarke can see the tears begin to form.  
  
_"What do you think?"_  
  
Lexa leans in to kiss her. Slow and sweet. They kiss for longer than is probably socially acceptable to do at a park in the middle of the night, but Clarke will surely not be the one to break it so they keep doing it. When Lexa finally pulls away she whispers against Clarke's lips.  
  
_"Costia."_

Lexa utters the name and smiles.  
  
_"Costia Abigail."_

Lexa repeats and nods.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke initiates the kiss this time knowing that's all Lexa can say for now and also knowing that perhaps that is all Lexa might ever be able to say.  
  
The sit in silence for another while as tears silently fall down Lexa's face while she strokes her thumb over Clarke's stomach.  
  
_"Want to go back home?"_

Clarke asks. Lexa shakes her head no.  
  
_"Ok. Whenever you're ready."_

Lexa nods.

* * *

They sit there, on the grass, in the middle of this random park until after joggers and dog walkers start to appear. They stay until after the sun comes up and Lexa becomes painfully aware that they're both about to go through their day without an ounce of sleep.  
  
_"Let's go home."_

Lexa whispers as the park begins to get busy with the morning crowd.  
  
_"Let's go home."_

Clarke replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** = This is the face I imagine Clarke making at that moment: http://sapphicreyes.tumblr.com/post/133213803063
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	6. 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**1994**

A secluded, miserable looking, and run down double wide trailer in the outskirts of the woods surrounding a small South Carolina town. Inside, a lanky five year old girl wearing nothing but mucky shorts and a wife beater with more than a few holes in it blinks awake on an untidy bed covered in several different piles of clothes. She rubs the sleep from her eyes and holds her stained, tattered doll tight to her chest before she climbs off the bed. She's too short to have her feet touch the ground so she swings them and wiggles her toes in the air for a few seconds prior to jumping the distance from the edge of the mattress to the floor before she exists the single room in the trailer and onto the hallway.  _  
_

_"Mommy?"_  
  
The little girl gets no response. She walks towards the other side of the unkempt trailer and sees her mom at the table.  
  
_"Mommy I'm hungry."_  
  
She gets no answer from her mom. She walks closer to the brunette woman slouched over the table and speaks again.  
  
_"Can I have a sandwich?"_  
  
When the little girl gets no answer she climbs onto the booth and shakes her mom. When she does, the syringe still plunged deep in the woman's arm wiggles around. The sight of a syringe buried inside her mother's skin doesn't faze the little girl because she's seen many syringes and all of them going in and out of arms plenty of times before.  
  
_"Mommy wake up."_  
  
The little girl shakes her mom. She notices her mom feels colder than usual but she doesn't know what it means. The little girl slides off the booth and pulls up a chair to the coat hanger by the table. She climbs on it to reach her mother's blazer and pulls it from the hook. She jumps off the chair and goes back to the booth clumsily wrapping it around her mother's shoulders.  
  
_"So you're not cold anymore."_  
  
The girl sits next to her mom waiting for her to wake up. Her mother always does eventually, sometimes it just takes her a while. The little girl has learned she just has to wait.  
  
A few hours pass and the little girl sits on the booth playing with her doll waiting for her mother to wake up. She has tried talking to her many times, but her mommy must be really tired because she's not answering. The girl's stomach grumbles.  
_  
_ _"Mommy I'm really hungry."_  
  
She says again hoping that if she repeats it enough times then her mother will come to and make her something to eat. She waits a short while longer but when her mother doesn't respond she hops off the booth and opens the grimy fridge a few feet away. Inside there's some beer which she's told she can't touch. Not that she likes the taste anyway so she wouldn't have it. Besides the few cans there's really nothing more. The girl closes the fridge. She goes back to the room she slept on and grabs a pair of her handed down, worn out shoes. She slides her feet in, sticks the velcros on tight, and heads towards the front of the trailer once more. She stands by the door and pushes it but before she exits she looks back at the table.  
  
_"I'll be right back."_  
  
The little girl and her doll walk towards the rear of the trailer where there is a heavily weathered shed surrounded by overgrown weeds and trees. She walks past the shed and turns behind it towards a pile of stacked up rocks. She pulls a few of the rocks and uncovers a hole with some treasures. Inside there are cookies, a handful of fruits on the verge of rotting, and a few stale sandwiches. She grabs one of the cookie snack packets and ineptly covers the hole with rocks again. She sits on the dirt next to the shed and opens the packet. She grabs a cookie and hums looking at her doll.  
  
_"Yum! These are my favorite."_ She tells her doll excitedly before she offers the doll a bite. If she can share with her doll, she can share with her mommy too. The girl saves some of the cookies and heads back to the trailer.  
  
_"I brought you snacks."_  
  
The girl lays them down on the table next to her mother and sits for a few minutes hoping this will be the thing that makes her mother react. When it doesn't she quickly gets bored and quietly speaks to her mom.  
  
_"I'm going to go outside so you don't have to be mad."_  
  
More than once the little girl had been screamed at or slapped for speaking too much and playing too loudly. It has taught her to not do either of those things as often. The less she talks the less angry her mother is. She mostly only speaks to Anya and her doll now because she doesn't like making her mom upset and it also keeps her out of trouble. She really doesn't it like when her mommy hits her. It hurts sometimes and then she gets these funny colored spots all over that hurt for days when you touch them.  
  
The little girl goes outside and sits on the dirt with her doll and plays. She plays in the sun for hours but her mother never comes out to get her. Some time later she sees her eleven year old half-sister walk down the path that leads to their trailer with her book bag dragging behind her across the dirt lifting up a cloud of dust. The little girl runs in her direction.  
  
_"Hi."_ The little one says excitedly.  
  
_"Hi."_ The older one responds tired.  
  
_"You have to be quiet. Mommy's asleep."_  
  
The older girl groans. She knows that if their mother is asleep in the middle of the day it means she's going to be in a foul mood when she wakes up and that means both of them are going to pay for it.  
  
_"She's been asleep for a long time. I tried to wake her up and I even gave her some of our secret cookies but she won't move."_  
  
The eleven year old, who's way too smart and too tall for her short years finds that odd.  
  
_"How long has she been asleep for?"_  
  
The younger girl shrugs.  
  
_"I woke up and she was napping."_

The older girl creases her forehead thinking for a few seconds before she heads down the road and towards the trailer. She opens the door and walks inside. She sees her mom slumped over the table and walks towards her.  
  
_"Mom."_ She shakes the woman but gets no response.  
  
_"Mom! Wake up."_  
  
She lifts the woman's head and what she sees is something she will never forget. Her mother's jaw is hanging open with some dried foam around the lips and her eyes are half lidded. She drops her mom's head back down onto the table and jumps back away from her. Her younger sister is standing by the door and sees her reaction.  
  
_"Is mommy awake?"_  
  
_"We have to go."_

The older one heads to the back of the trailer.  
  
_"Why?"_  
  
The older girl dumps her books onto the bed and walks around the room stuffing clothes for her and her sister inside it.  
  
_"Last time mom slept for a long time older people came and took me away. You weren't a person yet. They put me in a house with a lot of other kids and the lady there was very mean even when I did nothing wrong. They kept me there for a lot of nights before I saw mom again. If we stay here they might take us back with that lady so we have to go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But what if mommy wakes up? She's not going to know where we are. She's going to be mad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll leave her a note."_

The girl says opening one of her notebooks and scribbles down _'Yu wer sleep. We com bak later.'_ She rips off the page from the notebook and crumples it in her hand before turning to grab a few more things and stuffing it into the backpack. When she can't fit any more she zips it up. She looks around the cluttered room trying to spot something and when she does she heads for it. She rummages through her mother's purse, grabs whatever coins and few bills she can find, and stuffs them in her pocket. Once she does she walks out of the bedroom and towards the front door. Her little sister trails behind. The taller girl runs out of the trailer and towards the back of the shed. She kicks the rocks away and starts grabbing the snacks inside and putting them in the pouch she made by folding her shirt.  
  
More often than not they wouldn't have any food in the house and they would go hungry. The older girl being as savvy as she is started bringing half of the lunches they gave her at school to share with her sister. She hid them because she knew her mom or one of her nasty boyfriends would eat them if they were in the house and this was just for her and her sister.  
  
The little girl watches the older girl stuff as many snacks as she can into her shirt. When she can't fit any more she starts to walk back to the path and the little one runs behind.  
  
_"I don't want to leave."_ The younger girl speaks shyly.  
  
The older girl turns to her and speaks sternly.  
  
_"Do you want to go to the bad place?"_  
  
The little girl shakes her head resolutely.  
  
_"Then listen to me. I keep you safe. Okay? I promise"_  
  
_"Okay."_  
  
_"I take care of you and you take care of me. Deal?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Deal."_  
  
The five year old and the eleven year old set down the dusty road and away from the trailer. The older girl leads her sister to some caves in the woods where they often went to play when their mom was asleep during the day or when she kicked them out of the trailer and told them to go play outside because her boyfriends we visiting. It's not too far of a walk from the trailer but far enough where she feels they will be safe.  
  
_"Stay here. I'm going to go back and get a blanket and the rest of the food."_  
  
The little girl looks at her with saucer-sized eyes and a terrified look on her face.  
  
_"I don't want to stay here alone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing is going to get you here. I'll be back soon but you can't go anywhere or I won't be able to find you."_  
  
She gives her older sister a single nod before she turns and heads out of the small cave. The frightened little girl sits in one of the corners clutching her doll against her chest. Every single sound she hears makes her jump. After a particularly eerie one that has her on the verge of tears she starts talking to herself out loud.  
  
_"I'm brave. I'm not scared. I'm brave. I'm not scared."_  
  
She keeps repeating that until she does a good job at convincing herself that she believes it. That's the first day the little girl learns to keep her emotions at bay.  
  
Her sister returns about half an hour later dragging a blanket and a few other things she scavenged from the trailer and they set up for their night in the cave.  
  
The next morning the older girl leaves the little girl to go to school with specific instructions to not leave their makeshift home until she comes back. She stops at the trailer on her way to the bus stop and her mom is still in the same position as they left her. She knows something isn't right. She can feel it, but she doesn't know what to do beyond what she's already doing. All she is sure of is that if she asks for help they'll probably take them away and she doesn't want her sister to go to a bad place like she did. She goes to school and doesn't touch even a bit of the sandwich they gave her for lunch and sneaks it away instead.

Once school is done and the bus drops her off, she runs all the way back from the bus stop to the trailer and checks in to see if her mom is awake now. When she opens the door the stench makes her walk right back out. Something is definitely not right. She runs to the cave to find her sister playing with her doll, some rocks, and sticks. When the little girl sees her she runs up to her and hugs her tight.  
  
_"Are you hungry?"_  
  
The little girl nods. The older girl digs into her backpack and pulls out the sandwich. She rips it in two equal parts keeping one half and giving the other one as well as her juice box and the pear she got to her sister.  
  
_"You don't want juice?"_  
  
The older girl shakes her head.  
  
_"You can have it."_  
  
She's hungry and thirsty as well but she knows she can get an extra juice box tomorrow if she asks her teacher nicely so she decides to give this one to her sister instead. The older girl takes out her notebook and does whatever bit of her homework she understands while she eats her half of the sandwich. They play some more and before long it's dark outside again. They sleep in the cave for a second night.

The next morning the older girl goes back to school again. During lunch she convinced one of her friends to give her the extra cookie he didn't want and someone else to give her a fruit cup. Before lunch was over she asked her teacher for an extra juice box and she got it. At the end of the day she went to one of the vending machines and got some more snacks with the coins she had taken from her mother’s purse. The girl was giddy the entire bus ride home because she was excited to show her little sister all the good stuff she'd gotten them to eat today. In the last couple of days they'd already gone through most of the snacks they had saved up under the rocks. Getting enough food for the two of them for at least another day, maybe two if they were smart about it, was something she was very proud of.

* * *

The younger girl hears a commotion and what sounds like a string of cars driving down the road she knows leads to her house. She hears voices and she hears people. A lot of them. Her sister had told her not to leave their cave and she debates staying there for a while but she's curious. Maybe her mommy woke up and she's having friends over like she does sometimes when they're told to stay in the room and not come out. If her mom woke up then that means they can go back home. The little girl tells herself this can only be a good thing and even though her sister especifically told her not to, she steps outside and heads towards the trailer.

* * *

The older girl bolts off the school bus and skips down the dirt road towards her home. When she turns the first curve of the road she sees cars with flashing lights spread out in front of the trailer. A few seconds later she sees a man holding her flailing little sister and putting her into the back of a car. She runs faster than she's ever ran before.  
  
_"Lexa!"_  
  
The little girl turns to look at her sister and weeps harder.  
  
_"Anya!"_  
  
The older girl drops her backpack from her shoulders as she runs and heads straight for the officer holding her sister.  
  
_"Let her go!"_  
  
Anya screams before another officer intercepts her and picks her up before she can get to a wailing Lexa.  
  
_"Put me down! That's my sister!"_  
  
Anya slams her little fists against the officer's bulky chest. The coroners wheel out a covered body from the trailer and put it in the back of their van before they drive away with it.  
  
_"Mom!"_  
  
Anya screams at the van as it drives past her suddenly understanding who the body was. The officers put Anya and Lexa in the back of separate cars and don't allow them to speak to each other. A representative from Child Protective Services arrives on site not long after. He asks them questions and makes several phone calls to figure out placement, but quickly realize the girls have no other living relatives. Once they sort that part out they begin the attempt to process them into the system. None of the foster homes in the immediate vicinity have space to accommodate two girls and at that point it's evident that the girls must be separated.

If Lexa and Anya had known that their last night in their little cave was the last time they were going to innocently happy and living together for seven years, they would've enjoyed it quite a lot more.

* * *

**1999**

Ten year old Lexa lays on the top bunk bed with a flashlight pointed at her book when she hears a crack against the bedroom window. She moves the sheets and the blanket covering her head and looks around the room. The five other girls she shares a room with are still asleep. She must have imagined it. She covers her head again and goes back to reading. A few seconds later she hears the thump against the window again. She carefully hops off her bunk and walks towards the window. When she looks through the glass she spots Anya with a pile of pebbles in her hand. As soon as Anya sees her sister, she gestures Lexa to come downstairs. Lexa puts on shoes and tiptoes out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the kitchen door. 

Once Lexa is outside, Anya walks out from behind a tree and smiles when she sees her little sister. She walks to the stairs on the porch and takes a seat at the bottom one. Lexa immediately joins her.  
  
_"Figured you were still up reading."_  
  
_"I was."_ Lexa smiles because of how well her sister knows her.  
  
_"How's the little bitch treating you?"_  
  
Lexa shrugs.  
  
_"Same as usual. I try not to be around him too much."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Have you talked to your caseworker?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head.  
  
_"Lexa, you promised me you would. I'm going to talk to her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Don't. Titus is not as bad as the others. When we don't make him mad he's not too bad. I just stay in the room and read all day. If he can't see me, then I can't get in trouble. It could be worse. Besides, I'm pretty sure my caseworker hates you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's because I made her do her job. If that man hits you again I’m going to make him regret it."_  
  
Lexa laughs at how protective Anya can be.  
  
_"No. You're not going to do that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I might."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's fine. Really."_  
  
_"It's not. I'm going to get you out of here. I promise. I've been reading up on it. As long as I have an apartment and a job once I turn eighteen I can go to your caseworker and tell her I want custody. You just gotta hang on for less than two years. Then it's you and me again. Ok?"_  
  
Lexa gives her a single nod. Anya knows she's not getting much more out of her sister. In the last few years she's seen Lexa retract into herself. They've been in separate homes since their mother died. It took Anya months of repeatedly asking her own caseworker about her sister's whereabouts before she was able to track Lexa down to the first foster home they'd taken her to, but once Anya found her she's never lost contact with Lexa again. They don't see each other every day, but Anya comes to visit her after school or late at night at least a couple times a week. She knows Lexa only tells her a fraction of what's gone on in the seven foster houses she's been in the last five years, but Anya knows it's probably much worse than what she's privy to.  
  
Lexa had only been in this house for a few months. One of the nights Anya went to visit her at her old home she found Lexa sleeping on the front porch with nothing more than a thin sweater keeping her warm. When Anya asked why she was out there, Lexa told her she had accidentally dropped a plate which shattered and sleeping outside was her punishment. The next day 16 year old Anya was at the caseworker's office bright and early. After the fuss she made Lexa was moved to the care of this foster family on the other side of the city.  
_  
_ _"How's school?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. I got straight As this month."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's good Lex. You're fucking smart."_ Anya bumps her shoulder against Lexa and smiles.  
  
_"I'm proud of you."_  
  
Lexa nods. Anya hates the fact that her sister barely speaks anymore. She remembers Lexa being a chatterbox when they were kids and now getting more than a few words out of her at a time is like pulling teeth. They sit in silence for a beat before Anya digs into her backpack, pulls out a jacket, and places it on Lexa's lap.  
  
_"I heard there might be a freak snow storm this week. Figured you should have a jacket in case it happens."_  
  
Lexa looks at the jacket and then at Anya. Lexa notices the jacket still has the tag on it and she sees how much it cost.  
  
_"That's too expensive. You shouldn't have. Take it back."_  
  
Lexa tries to hand Anya the jacket.  
  
_"Don't be a meathead."_  
  
Anya shoves the jacket back towards Lexa.  
  
_"I have a job now. I'm helping out at a vet's office some afternoons. They pay me decent money to scoop up dog shit. You need a jacket. I wasn't doing anything with that money anyway except buying beer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll feel better if I know you have it. If not I'm going to be worried that you might be cold or get sick."_  
  
Anya knew the best way to get her sister to take this is if Lexa felt she was doing something for Anya instead of herself. Lexa puts the jacket in her lap and nods. Anya reaches back into her backpack and pulls out a couple books.  
  
_"Also got you these. I'm sure you went through the ones I brought you last time already."_  
  
Lexa's eyes light up at the idea of having new things to read. She can always pick up books at the library, but most of the time she hates returning them because that means she can't reread them at a whim so owning books is definitely her favorite thing.  
_  
_ _"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Someone has to make sure that brain of yours is entertained."_  
  
Lexa smiles and looks at her feet.  
  
_"I probably have to go now. Someone's waiting for me around the corner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Someone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is it a boy?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're too smart for your own good kid."_  
  
Anya kisses the side of Lexa's head and stands up.  
  
_"I'll come see you in a few days at school before I go into work."_  
  
Lexa nods and Anya begins to walk away and when she's at what she considers a safe enough distance she turns to her sister.  
  
_"I put some money for you in the left pocket for lunch or whatever."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya you..."_  
  
But before Lexa can say anything Anya takes off running. She knew Lexa wouldn't take the money unless she was forced to and this was the best way to get her to keep it.  
  
Lexa walks back inside the house and towards her room with her new books and jacket. That night she sleeps with her jacket under her pillow thinking that _maybe_ at least one person in this world does care about her.

* * *

Later that week - just as she said she would - Anya stands across the street from Lexa's elementary school waiting for her sister to walk out as she attempts to catch some of the falling snowflakes with her tongue.

When their mom was alive they never stayed in one place for too long. It got even worse after Lexa's dad died. Anya can't remember being in the same house for longer than a few months before they had to leave in a rush after being kicked out. They moved around a lot across several different states, but somehow they never managed to live anywhere where it snowed or at least they never stuck around those places long enough to actually see the snow. It wasn't common here in South Carolina either, so whenever it happened it was a spectacle and Anya was certainly enjoying it.

Anya finally manages to catch one of the sparse snowflakes on her tongue just as Lexa walks out of school. Anya was about to celebrate her snowy success when she notices Lexa not wearing anything more than a thin t-shirt and curling into herself because of the chill in the air. She runs across the street to meet her sister and kneels to be at eye level with Lexa.  
  
_"Hey. Where's your jacket?"_  
  
Lexa doesn't say anything and when Anya sees her shiver she takes off her backpack and then her jacket before quickly wrapping it over Lexa's shoulders.  
  
_"Lexa. Where's the jacket I got you?"_  
  
Lexa looks embarrassed.  
  
_"Did you lose it? If you lost it it's fine. I'm not going to be angry. I can get you a new one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No! No. I didn't lose it."_ Lexa quickly corrects her. _"I'd never lose it."_ She adds coyly.  
  
_"So where is it? I got it for you so you wouldn't be cold."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He took it."_ Lexa mumbles.  
  
_"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Titus. He took it."_ Lexa speaks more clearly.  
  
_"Why did he take it?"_ Anya grows incensed at hearing his name.  
  
_"He saw it on my bed the morning after you gave it to me. He didn't recognize it so he started asking questions. I told him my sister gave it to me but he didn't believe me. He saw the tag was still on it, said I probably stole it, that and he was going to return it and use the money to buy himself something nice after all the headaches I give him."_

Anya sees red.  
  
_"I'm going to kill him. Get on your bus."_ _  
__  
__"Anya."_ _  
__  
__"Get on the bus Lexa!"_  
  
Anya stomps away clearly irate and Lexa watches her turn the corner and disappear out of sight. Lexa anxiously walks to the bus loading area and gets on her bus not really knowing what Anya was about to do or what she should do about it.  
  
About an hour later Lexa is dropped off at her stop and she runs home. When she gets there two cop cars are parked outside. Anya is sitting on the front steps with her hands cuffed behind her back while Lexa's foster father holds and ice pack up to his bleeding and half swollen face.  
  
_"Anya."_ _  
__  
__"Lex."_  
  
Anya goes to stand but a cop pushes her back down by the shoulder.  
  
_"What did you do?"_ Lexa asks from the sidewalk.  
  
_"He had it coming."_ _  
__  
__"You should go inside."_ One of the officers tells Lexa.  
  
_"Can I just talk to her for a minute? She's my sister. Please."_ Anya pleads with the officer.  
_  
__"You have one minute because we’re about done here."_  
  
He waves Lexa over and Lexa wraps her arms around Anya’s shoulders.  
  
_"Did you take the money I gave you out of the jacket before he got it."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"The asshole is pressing charges so I might be away for a little bit Lex. Keep that money safe in case anything happens because I probably won't be able to get you more for a while but whatever you do don't run away or I won't be able to find you. Okay? I'm sorry. I was angry and not thinking and now I probably won't get to see you until this bullshit is sorted out, but I'll be back for you. I will. I promise. I'm going to get you out of here when I turn eighteen. I mean it. I take care of you and you take care of me. Remember?"_  
  
Lexa nods with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. The officers finish taking Titus's statement and one of them grabs Anya by the elbow.  
  
_"Time to go."_  
  
Lexa's breathing becomes erratic and she starts to panic.  
  
_"You're okay. Alright? I'm coming back for you."_  
  
Anya fights the officers as she's getting dragged away to the squad car. As they're putting her in the back seat she sees Titus walk up to Lexa and pull her forcefully towards the house.  
  
_"Get off of her!"_  
  
Anya's muffled screams can be heard from inside the car.  
  
_"If you touch her I really am going to fucking kill you."_  
  
The last time Anya saw Lexa prior to the six months she spent in juvenile detention for battery was when she was being pushed into the house by her foster father as the squad car pulled away.

* * *

**2004**

Fifteen year old Lexa's hands roam over every inch of her girlfriend's body as they lay on the couch keenly making out. Lexa lays flat on her back while the striking, dark girl with the long, puffy, and curly hair rests on top of her. Lexa's hands sneak up the back of Costia's shirt as her fingertips ghost over Costia's spine. Costia's hands graze over one of her breasts and Lexa moans obscenely into the girl's mouth. In that exact moment the door swings open.  
  
_"Oh come on Lex!"_  
  
Anya dramatically stomps her foot on the ground causing the two girls to practically fly to opposite directions of the couch.  
  
_"You have a fucking room with a bed and a door that closes. Use it so I don't have to walk in on you two heavy petting each other on a daily basis."_  
  
Twenty one year old Anya looks exasperated as she stands under the threshold of her and Lexa's New York City apartment. She aggressively yanks the keys from the knob and walks inside with a couple grocery bags in her hands. The girls giggle. They both know Anya isn't actually upset.  
  
_"Sorry."_  
  
Lexa's cheeks burn red as they sit back up on the couch and straighten their clothes and themselves.  
  
_"It's okay. I was leaving anyway. Midterms to study for and all."_ Costia leans in to kiss Lexa.  
  
_"Don't go. We can study in my room."_  
  
Lexa stops short of whining and Costia laughs knowing there would be anything but studying going on in that room if she agrees.  
  
_"I can't. My mom expects me home soon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But I'll miss you."_ Lexa thinks she whispers against Costia's lips but when Anya histrionically gags from the kitchen she assumes she didn't say it low enough. Costia laughs before kissing her one last time.  
  
_"See you tomorrow."_  
  
She gets off the couch, grabs her bag, and heads for the door.  
  
_"Bye Anya!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll see you tomorrow too. Just make sure I don't see too much of you."_ Anya screams from the kitchen.  
  
_"Once was more than enough."_ Anya tells herself remembering the time she came home earlier than any of them expected and walked in on Lexa half naked and a topless Costia over her on the couch. She hears the front door close and her sister shuffle into the kitchen. Lexa rests her shoulder against the door frame and looks at Anya moving around the space.  
  
_"We should keep her. She's good for you."_  
  
Anya pulls out a couple of plates and begins to dump some of the take-out she'd gotten on the way home.  
  
_"We really should."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I mean it Lex. I haven't seen you like this since...ever."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I really like her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I like her for you too. If I had known all we had to do was get you laid so you would stop sulking around I would've made it happen a long time ago."_  
  
Lexa's cheeks burn bright red and she looks at her feet.  
  
_"HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS ACTUALLY DID HAVE SEX!"_  
  
Lexa’s face grows impossibly redder.  
  
_"When?!"_  
  
Lexa shuffles her feet around for a few seconds before answering.  
  
_"Two days ago."_ Lexa mumbles shyly and Anya walks up to her and smacks her cheeks playfully a couple of times.  
  
_"Ok. Ok. Alright!"_ Lexa pushes Anya away and laughs.  
  
_"Was it good?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ew. I'm not talking about sex with you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Was it good?"_ Anya repeats disregarding Lexa's previous deflection. Lexa's cheeks burn bright again.  
  
_"Fuck. This is amazing."_ Anya laughs and she finishes preparing their plates. _"I have to congratulate her tomorrow."_ _  
_  
_"No! You are not saying anything!"_ Lexa looks at Anya mortified.  
  
_"Don't be a fun sponge Alexandria. My little sister got diddled for the first time. Of course I'm going to make it as awkward as possible for everyone involved for as long as I can. It's in the sibling rule book."_  
  
Lexa groans and rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Please don't scare her off."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you haven't done it already with that ugly face and your sour attitude I think she's going to stick around. Besides...how long have you two been a thing? Like six months or something no?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"She ain't going anywhere. She had plenty of time to run."_  
  
Anya hands Lexa a plate of food and opens the fridge to grab a beer.  
  
_"You want one?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head no and makes for the couch. Anya promptly follows.  
  
They've had dinner together almost every night for the past three years. Once Anya got out of juvie they became even closer than they were before. The six months apart only made their bond stronger and Anya was determined to get guardianship of Lexa the moment she was legally eligible to. They both bounced around a few more foster homes for the next couple of years, but the closer it got to Anya's eighteenth birthday the more plans they made about the things they would do once they were able to live together again without awful adults involved.  
  
Anya made it through high school (barely...but she did), got her diploma, found a job, and rented an apartment. She thought she had everything she needed to get the state to give her custody of Lexa so it came as a shock when Lexa's caseworker informed her that the chances of having a judge agree to give her custody of a twelve year old when she was only eighteen and also had a record were slim. Anya was determined to not have Lexa spend one more day in a foster home than she needed to and she set a plan in motion. She gave up her apartment and the day her security deposit was returned she went out to buy a shitty car. Later that night she showed up at whatever foster home Lexa was staying at the time. She told Lexa to pack a bag and get in the car. Within hours they had crossed state lines. Anya figured New York was the best place for someone to disappear so that's exactly where they headed.  
  
Becoming solely responsible for a kid at eighteen wasn't without its complications, but Anya has never regretted her decision. Lexa made it easy enough though. All Lexa did was go to school and study. At least until Costia came around. But even after that, her routine hasn't changed much. All she really does now is go to school, study, and be with Costia. Lexa doesn't get into trouble and she's very quiet. On most days Anya could easily forget that she lives with someone else because unless she forces Lexa out of her room she might not come out. Her reclusiveness is one of the habits Anya wishes Lexa hadn't picked up during her time in the system. She wishes Lexa understood this was their house and she had every right to actually **_live_ ** and be as loud as she wanted in it. She's not sure Lexa will ever get there, but having Costia around is definitely helping.  
  
_"Have you taken her out on a real date yet? Like...a fancy dinner and stuff?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm trying to save money but..."_  
  
Anya gets up and goes to her jacket. She digs for her wallet and takes out a few bills. She walks back to the table and puts the money in front of Lexa.  
  
_"Take her out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No way. I'm not taking your money to have a date with a girl."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm giving you the money because I want to. Take it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You've already done too much."_  
  
_"Oh for fucks sake Lexa. It's fifty bucks not a million dollars. Go be a teenager for a night. I was out all the time when I was your age. Your books are going to be here when you get back from having fun. You can do the dishes for two weeks if you want to feel like you worked for the money."_  
  
Lexa looks at the bills on the table.  
_  
_ _"Three weeks."_  
  
Lexa mumbles as she takes the money and puts it in her pocket.  
  
_"Tell me your reconsidering this whole lawyer thing because you're clearly fucking terrible at negotiating."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of you."_  
  
Anya loudly drops her fork on her plate and speaks seriously.  
  
_"Look at me. I'm here because I want to be. Because you're my sister and we take care of each other. I take care of you and you take care of me. We made a promise and I keep my promises."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you ever get tired you can break it, you know? You shouldn't have to stick around just because you said something when we were kids."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jesus fuck Lexa. Is it really that hard for you to believe that someone genuinely gives a shit about you? I've had your back since the day you were born and and I always will. A promise has nothing to do with that."_  
  
Anya considers her next words but says them anyway.  
  
_"I'm not mom. I'm not going anywhere so it's about time you get used to having me around."_  
  
Lexa gives Anya one of the single nods that she's grown so accustomed to and they both go back to eating in silence for a while.  
  
_"Have you told her how much you like her yet?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head no.  
  
_"What are you waiting for? For her to read your mind? You have to actually tell people what you're thinking for them to know. I'm aware that's a foreign concept to you because you're a weirdo but it's how other humans normally work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not good at feelings."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No shit, Sherlock."_

Anya brings a forkful of food to her mouth and speaks as she chews. 

 _"Tell her how you feel. What's the worst that could happen?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She could laugh in my face."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's let you see her boobs more than once. She ain't going to laugh in your face you dumbass. Take her out to dinner and tell her. Or...if you want to do the dishes for four weeks I'll do it for you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You keep your mouth shut!"_  
  
Lexa throws a carrot at Anya which hits her square in the chest. Anya feigns insult.  
  
_"Well then fucking tell her!"_  
  
Lexa finishes eating and gets up to put her plate in the sink. She walks back out of the kitchen.  
  
_"I have to go study. Leave it in the sink and I'll wash it later. Thanks for dinner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No problem kid."_  
  
Lexa grabs her backpack from where she threw it earlier and heads for her bedroom. As she's about to walk inside Anya's speaks.  
  
_"Hey.”_

Anya waits for her sister to turn and look at her.

 _“She likes you. It's so fucking obvious. She literally adores you Lexa. Stop fucking around and tell her what she means to you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I will."_  
  
Lexa hovers timidly at her door.  
  
_"Promise me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I promise. I just have to find the right time."_  
  
Lexa says before closing her door. Lexa almost said the things that circled endlessly around her mind every day many times but at every instance she backed down because she never thought it felt 'right'. She kept chasing the perfect moment for months and before the "right time" came it was too late. Costia was dead.

* * *

**2009**

The twenty year old college junior majoring in philosophy sat on her bed on a Friday night (as she normally did) sipping a cup of tea while reading Sartre's "Existentialism and Humanism." Well...she was trying to read. The loud oontz oontz oontz and the bellowing coming from the party her neighbors had decided to throw was making it slightly difficult to concentrate on the book resting on her lap. 

Lexa had moved out of Anya's apartment once she started college. When she no longer qualified to live in the dorms she decided getting an apartment closer to the NYU campus would be more convenient that commuting every day from Anya's Long Island place, but she was over at Anya's often enough that it hardly made a difference anyway.  
  
Anya tried to have Lexa over as much as possible because to be quite frank, Anya was deeply concerned about her sister. After Costia died she retreated completely. Not just from the rest of the world but from her as well and that had never happened before. Lexa was the only constant Anya has ever had in life, but after the accident Lexa could go days without speaking. All she did was study and read. Lexa dove headfirst into school. She used her work as an excuse not to deal with her pain. When things got rough Lexa always found something to cling to and use as escapism and this time it was homework. Lexa graduated Valedictorian in her class and got a full ride to every school she applied to, but she didn’t want to be too far from Anya so she chose NYU. Anya hoped that college would bring Lexa out of her shell but every time she asked Lexa if she had friends or a girlfriend she would avoid the question. Anya knew nothing had changed and it sometimes kept her up at night. She asked Lexa to move back in several times just so she could keep an eye on her but Lexa declined every time. Lexa loved her apartment too much and refused to give it up.  
  
A few months earlier Lexa had found this great little place on the first floor of a brownstone that had a room facing the small but open backward. These were incredibly rare to come by in New York and Lexa was enamored with the idea of being able to go out there with a book and a glass of wine on the nights her roommates were out partying and revel in the quiet. She signed the lease the moment she could.  
  
A night in with a book and silence were her exciting plans for this Friday until the rager next door started. It's almost midnight and she's beginning to feel tired, but by the way the people next door are rooting for what she can gather are keg stands it sounds like they're barely getting started. Lexa is growing more irritated as the cheers and the screams coming from their backyard become increasingly louder to the point that she's been seriously considering becoming That Person and going over to ask them to tone it down.  
  
She grumbles to herself as a particularly loud round of hollers and hoots erupt from the crowd. Suddenly, a bright flash illuminates her backward. Lexa looks through the glass door opposite her bed and promptly gasps out loud. Her backyard is on fire.  
  
_"What the fuck?!"_  
  
Regardless of how much her sister cussed repeatedly and on a daily basis, Lexa never really took to it. It's just wasn't something that came naturally to her except in extreme situations and this definitely counted as 'extreme' in her book. Her backyard was literally going up in flames and all Lexa could do for a few seconds was stare before her eyes became twice it’s normal size as she remembered what she left outside.  
  
_"My Camus is out there!"_ Lexa tells no one but herself.  
  
She runs to the kitchen and opens several cabinets before she finds the fire extinguisher and runs out to the backyard. She struggles to take the safety pin off but when she finally does, she blasts the flames causing them to eventually die down. Once the fire is contained Lexa walks over to the table she knew she'd left her book on and instead of a prized literary masterpiece she comes across something more than halfway to being a pile of useless ashes.  
  
While Lexa was too occupied playing the role of amateur firefighter three girls managed to climb the medium height brick wall separating the two backyards and were now sitting on top of the structure nonchalantly talking to each other. Lexa could make out one that definitely looked Latina with something on her leg that she couldn't quite place, there was also the brunette one, and then there was blonde one.  
  
_"Was it supposed to do that?"_ The brunette asked the Latina.  
  
_"Not really. No."_ The Latina replied back.  
  
_"What.the.fuck?!"_  
  
Lexa says enraged looking at the three intoxicated girls who obviously couldn't be anything but freshmen.  
  
_"This was a fucking first edition!"_  
  
Lexa picks up the ruined book before throwing it on the floor and watching the pieces of it that have burnt to ashes disintegrate off the rest of the book.  
  
The blonde one scrunched her face and looked at the other two. Before Lexa can even process what's happening the blonde one is swinging her feet over the wall and jumping into her half burnt backyard. Other drunk idiots are starting to climb the wall to look into Lexa's apartment in an attempt to figure out what's happening.  
  
_"That was kind of an accident! Oops."_  
  
The drunk girl shrugs as she walks up to Lexa and bites her bottom lip trying to look innocent. She extends her hand in an attempt to introduce herself.  
  
_"I'm Clarke."_  
  
She says loudly so it doesn't get drowned out by the music.  
  
_"I really don't know what that was, but if you give me the name I can probably make it up to y-"_  
  
Lexa didn't even let the girl finish talking before she went on a rage-fueled, screaming, and cuss laden tirade because little did Lexa know that she had just witnessed the best accident of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter giving a glimpse into Clarke's life before Lexa will eventually come as well, but probably not for a while.
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	7. September 2016 (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The initial plan was to alternate between one pre-death and one post-death chapter but that was mostly because I wanted to balance it out between the angst and the fluff so it didn't till too heavily on either side. Lexa's background was kind of rough so I wanted to sandwich it between fluff to keep things even. That means this is another pre-death chapter, but on the next chapter we're back to the regularly scheduled alternating points and the angst. In the meantime, enjoy the fluff. 
> 
> \----
> 
> I actually managed to publish 7 chapters with 40k words in the first 7 days the story was up which is insane. Sorry for the daily spam :) It might slow down from here. We'll see how it goes. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**September 2016 (Part 2)**

Lexa sits on a stool surrounded by lights and across from a camera in the laundry room adjacent area that they call Clarke's home studio. In her arms ten month old Costia squirms and moves around wanting her mom to put her down and let her go. Lexa tries to adjust the baby in her arms. 

 _"Would you stay still?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Kind of hard to do when you're holding a tiny wiggling human in your arms Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Just hold her tighter. I still haven't gotten the one I need."_  
  
Costia breaks out into a full on hissy fit.  
  
_"She's fussy. Can we maybe try again later?"_  
  
Clarke sighs in defeat and turns off one of the strobes.  
  
_"Fine. Sure."_  
  
With her wife's approval Lexa puts Costia down. The baby takes off exploring around the room on hands and knees straightaway. Clarke switches the last strobe off and walks up to her wife with a scowl on her face.  
  
_"At this rate we won't need a baby announcement because by the time I can get a reference and actually do the painting the baby is going to be out."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Don’t laugh. This is your fault. You're the one who's set on doing something "memorable" when we could just invite people and tell them over dinner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"A new baby is something special that should be celebrated Clarke. Also, not everyone we know can come for dinner."_  
  
Costia knocks over a box with brushes and they both turn their attention to her. Costia looks at them and smiles as if she knows full well that four-toothed smile of hers can get her out of anything. Clarke sighs at the mess and leans back pressing her butt into Lexa as Costia sits on the floor and entertains herself with the brushes. Lexa rests her chin on Clarke's shoulder and instinctively wraps her arms around her wife's waist placing her hands on the eleven week baby bump that is mostly unnoticeable unless you're purposefully looking for it. They both watch Costia play.  
  
_"It's going to get crazy when this one comes."_  
  
Lexa runs her thumb over Clarke's stomach after kissing her shoulder.  
  
_"I know. I can't believe you talked me into another one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't even try that hard."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You found ways to casually insert having another baby into totally unrelated conversations since about a week after she was born. I agreed just so you would shut up about it."_  
  
Clarke laughs then Lexa does too.  
  
_"I'm sure they will love to hear that story someday. 'Hey baby...you're alive because your mom wanted me to stop talking. I basically annoyed you into existence.'"_  
  
Lexa leans her head back laughing.  
  
_"That's a wedding speech if I've ever heard one. She will be-Hey!"_  
  
Clarke notices Costia is about to put one of the brushes in her mouth. Clarke startles the baby who instantly begins to cry.  
  
_"No. No. I'm sorry bug. I didn't mean to scare you."_  
  
Clarke breaks away from Lexa and goes to pick up the weeping baby from the floor.  
_  
_ _"Shhh...it's okay. I'm sorry. You can't put those in your mouth Cos. They're dirty."_  
  
Clarke takes the brush from Costia and puts it on a nearby table. This makes Costia cry even harder and she tries to grasp at the table to get the brush back.  
  
_"Cos. No. Shh. That's yucky. You can't play with that."_  
  
Clarke readjusts her in her arms to stop her from falling. Costia is deep into her tantrum so Lexa walks over to try and help Clarke.  
  
_"Cos. Baby."_  
  
Lexa runs her hands up and down her back in a soothing way.  
  
_"You want to go outside for a little bit? Why don't we take Fish for a walk? Hmmm? We could get some ice cream."_  
  
At the mention of ice cream Costia's eyes light up because it's her favorite thing. Clarke groans.  
  
_"Why Lex? She won't stop fussing until we get her some now."_  
  
Clarke passes the baby to Lexa.  
  
_"You're dealing with her when she has a sugar rush."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cweam?"_

Lexa smiles and peppers kisses all over Costia's face who wipes the tears from her eyes with her tiny fists. 

 _"Yeah we'll get you some ice cream baby."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll put on some shoes and get Fish on a leash. Get her coat?"_  
  
Lexa nods and blows raspberries on Costia's cheek as Clarke leaves the room. Lexa hears Clarke calling for the dog who quickly barrels down a hallway. Lexa looks at Costia and smiles. She still has trouble believing this is her life and this baby is theirs. She keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
  
_"You ready to be a big sister Cos?"_

The baby is too busy babbling to herself - most likely about ice cream - to pay attention. 

 _"If you ask me, I think you'll be great at it. Your mom is worried, but I think you and the baby will get along fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Baba."_ Costia babbles as she looks at Lexa.  
  
_"Yeah Cos. There's going to be a new baby in the house soon. And hopefully a few more after that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Never going to happen."_

Clarke walks back into the room with Fish on his leash. 

_"I'm cutting you off at two. No more. No way."_

Clarke takes the baby from Lexa and hands her the dog. 

_"Not unless you're the one pushing them out."_

Lexa laughs.  
  
_"We'll see."_

Clarke rolls her eyes as she walks out of the studio to get the coat Lexa was obviously too distracted to grab. 

_"We'll see."_

Lexa repeats to herself and smiles.

* * *

Lexa and Clarke have a fussy ten month old in a stroller, a hyperactive dog on a leash, and each other. They manage to get the stroller down the front steps of the brownstone they live in. The coming in and out is their least favorite part of leaving the house. At least Clarke's. Lexa doesn't really mind the maneuvering it takes. They know they need to move soon. Especially with the new baby, but they think they could get away with staying here for a little while longer. There’s too many memories made in this apartment that they’re not quite ready to let go off just yet. They make it to the bottom of the steps and Clarke looks at the sky.  
  
_"Looks like it might rain. We should grab an umbrella."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's been cloudy for days. It'll be fine. We'll just grab Cos ice cream and try the photo thing again once she's in a better mood."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She might sit still if she's had ice cream."_ Clarke realizes after Lexa mentions it. _  
_ _  
_ _"Genius idea. I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Alright there Einstein. Move that pretty butt."_  
  
Lexa laughs and intertwines their fingers as they begin to walk down the road to Costia's favorite ice cream shop which is approximately a thirty minute walk away.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa get to the ice cream shop and immediately vet Costia one scoop of her favorite ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. It's half of what Clarke ate the last few weeks of the pregnancy and clearly Costia took a liking to it because she can eat gallons of the thing and never get tired. They each get a cone of ice cream for themselves and sit on one of the tables outside while they eat.  
  
_"You got a little..."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss some ice cream off the corner of Lexa's mouth. Lexa smiles into the kiss and deepens it until the drop of ice cream that hits her hand draws back to reality. They're a few months shy from being together for seven years and Lexa still feels like it's the first time she kisses Clarke every single time their lips meet. She hums and smiles into Clarke's lips before giving her one last peck and going back to licking her cone. She looks at Costia and laughs at the disaster she sees. Somehow Costia has managed to get ice cream in every single limb and article of clothing. There's even some in her hair. Clarke brings the spoon up to Costia’s mouth and notices the drops of ice cream in her hair then whines.  
  
_"Oh god."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's a messy eater."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She gets that from you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not a messy eater."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Name the last three times you've sat on the couch with food and not had to put something in the laundry basket afterwards. Go on."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not a messy eater outside the confines of the couch. How's that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, right. There's a reason I don't let you eat in bed. You even got some on you right now."_  
  
Lexa looks at her clothes and sees nothing. She dabs at her mouth with her hand and feels nothing.  
  
_"Where?"_  
  
Clarke quickly dips two fingers into her ice cream and smears it on Lexa's lips.  
  
_"Right there."_ Lexa gasps at the unexpected cold.  
  
_"You..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Now it just means I have to help you clean it up."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss the ice cream off Lexa's lips. Lexa rolls her eyes but kisses her back. When it's all off Lexa's lips Clarke backs away.  
  
_"There. All clean now."_

Lexa looks at her with swollen lips and hazy eyes. 

 _"Hmmm...so helpful. What would I do without you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I ask myself the same thing every day."_  
  
Lexa laughs as Clarke rests her head on her shoulder and they both turn their attention to Costia. They sit in silence for a few minutes. They finish their ice cream while watching the girl happily indulge herself. Costia sometimes looks at them and smiles but the only way you can ever get Costia to stop babbling is to feed her ice cream so they all just sit and enjoy themselves in silence. Lexa kisses the top of Clarke's head.  
_  
_ _"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For what?"_ Clarke replies with a mouthful of ice cream.  
  
_"Days like these. Her. Us. Even the dog. He might be growing on me."_

Clarke lifts her head off Lexa's shoulders and looks at her. 

_"I love you too."_

Clarke leans in for a quick peck before she bolts up as she takes the last bite of her cone. 

 _"Wanna head back?"_  
  
Lexa nods and stands up. She grabs the stroller as Clarke unties the leash from the table.

* * *

Four minutes later the first bit of thunder strikes which spooks Fish. They switch so Lexa takes the dog and Clarke pushes the stroller. He's always liked Lexa better anyway regardless of Lexa's insistence that the feelings aren't mutual.  
  
Eight minutes later a single drop hits the sunshade on the stroller and Lexa immediately feels Clarke's eyes burning into her side.  
_  
_ _"I told you!"_  
  
Lexa looks up at the sky to try and gage what's about to happen. Not a beat later the sky opens up and it begins to pour gallons per second. Raucous thunder strikes again and Fish drags Lexa nearly half a block before she can get him somewhat under control.  
  
Clarke found shelter under some scaffolding at the corner forcing Lexa to double back and meet her. Clarke is staring daggers into Lexa who is already drenched to the bone.  
  
_"Say it."_

Clarke stares at Lexa knowing full well Lexa knows what she's talking about. 

 _"You were right Clarke."_  
  
_"Exactly. I was right. I said 'let's get an umbrella' but you said we didn't have to worry. Did we need an umbrella?"_  
  
Thunder pierces once more and Fish yanks on the leash pulling Lexa with him a few feet.  
  
_"Fish. Sit!"_  
  
The dog doesn't listen. He moves in and out from between Lexa's legs as people rush past them on the corner. Clarke is staring at Lexa waiting for an answer.  
  
_"We should've gotten an umbrella. You were right."_  
  
Cacophonous thunder rattles passersby and sets off car alarms all around them. It spooks the dog making him bark loudly which in turn spooks Costia. Her arms flail in surprise and in the process she smacks to the floor the half-full cup of ice cream they’d left on her tray to play with on the way home. She immediately begins to cry as the water washes the leftover ice cream away and down the sidewalk.  
  
_"Cweam!"_

The baby thrashes her legs and arms trying to grasp for the liquid floating away. Once she realizes she can’t, she begins to cry and scream at full volume.  
  
_"Perfect."_

Clarke groans under he breath.  
  
_"Do you want to wait for it to stop?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not going to stop. Look at the sky Lexa. We're either going to get soaked now or soaked later. Might as well get it over with."_  
  
Clarke begrudgingly pushes the stroller with the wailing baby out from under the scaffolding and onto the deluge. Lexa barely has time to react before she has to pull the scared dog behind her and chase after Clarke.

* * *

They do the remaining fifteen minute walk in about eight minutes and in total silence. Clarke is clearly not in the mood for conversation and Lexa doesn't have much to say anyway. They get the stroller up the steps in record time and make it back into dry space. The moment they're inside the dog shakes the water off himself covering them in even more water. The baby is still shrieking. Clarke glares at Lexa and begins to move toward the back of the lobby. They leave a clear path of water the entire walk to the elevator and up to their apartment. Lexa takes out the keys and grabs the dog by the collar.  
  
_"Can you open so I can hold him? Don't want him running around getting everything wet."_  
  
Clarke yanks the keys from her hand and opens the door. She walks straight inside leaving the keys on the knob and Lexa in the hallway with the dog and the stroller. Lexa waits a few minutes and when Clarke doesn't walk back out she calls for her.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Silence.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Nothing.  
  
Lexa ties the dog to the stairway railing and heads for the door but not before turning to the two grumpy and wet ten month olds staring at her.  
  
_"You two...don't go anywhere. Don't get in trouble either. I'll be right back."_  
  
Lexa speed walks to their bedroom and opens the door to find Clarke trying to fight with the wet jeans stuck to her legs. She almost wants to laugh, but she knows better.  
  
_"Babe..."_

Clarke lifts her head to look at Lexa and Lexa can read murder in them. Before she knows it a pillow is hitting her in the face. 

 _"Don't 'babe' me Lexa. If the next words out of your mouth aren't: 'I'm taking care of everything. You just get dry.' Then I don't want to hear them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm taking care of everything. You just get dry."_  
  
Lexa backs away from the room knowing the best she can do is leave her wife alone. She returns to the hallway where the crying baby and the wet dog still await.  
  
_"Ok...who do we start with?"_

Lexa looks at the puppy and the baby. Fish barks and Costia yelps. 

 _"I think she wins. I'll be right back. Just...sit still."_  
  
Lexa walks into the house and comes back with a few towels. She grabs the soaking wet baby and wraps her in a towel.  
  
_"Let's get you out of these first."_  
  
She walks inside the apartment and heads towards the guest bathroom. The baby wiggles and cries in her arms.  
  
_"Come on, Cos. Work with me here. I'll take the wet clothes off you, then I'll go dry the dog, then we can give you a bath. Can we do that?"_  
  
Much to Clarke’s chagrin, Lexa had a habit of trying to negotiate with the baby. It was never an argument Lexa won, but it didn't stop her from trying. Lexa gets to the bathroom and struggles to take the wet clothes off a baby who doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything that doesn't involve ice cream at the moment. Once she's finally down to the dripping diaper, Lexa pats her down as best she can and wraps her in a dry towel. She takes the baby to the nursery and dumps some of her toys on the floor.  
  
_"I need you to entertain yourself for five minutes. Is that a thing that can be arranged?"_  
  
Costia screams as she rolls around the floor.  
  
_"Ok, I see five is not a good number for you. Let's make it three. I'll be back in three."_  
  
Lexa runs out of the room and towards the front door. She grabs one of the towels she left out there and quickly pats the stroller dry as best she can then rolls it into the area they usually keep it in in the laundry room. She can hear Costia screaming from the nursery so she decides to pop in.  
  
_"I know I said three, but if we can make it four I might sneak you some ice cream before bed."_  
  
All Costia has to do is hear the word ice cream to prop her head up and look at Lexa with her red face and swollen eyes.  
  
_"Yup. You heard me right. All you have to do is sit there and stop screaming. I'll make sure your mom is distracted enough to not notice but you have to work with me here. The arrangement has to be mutually beneficial."_  
  
Costia's scream die down to small wails but she's not even remotely calm yet.  
  
_"Alright. That works. Keep doing that."_

With that Lexa runs to the bathroom, opens the faucet, and makes sure it's the right temperature before she puts the plug on the drain, pours some soap in, and the tub starts filling. She runs back out to the hallway. There is one towel left and a clearly unhappy dog. She takes on criminals in court every day. Surely she can do this. 

_"Hey buddy."_

She unfolds the towel and approaches the dog. He growls. 

 _"Ok. Listen, I can't get you dry if you do that. I just need to make sure you're not dripping water around the house. That's all."_  
  
Lexa trying to have conversations with the baby _sometimes_ drove Clarke crazy. Lexa trying to have conversations with the dog drove Clarke crazy **all the time**.  
  
_"Lexa. He's a dog. Why are you trying to talk sense into it?"_

Clarke would say.  
  
_"They're smarter than they look. I read an article that says scientists concluded that dogs can understand at least 800 different words. That’s about the same amount of words a three year old knows. He's smarter than she is right now. He knows what I'm saying."_

Lexa would retort.  
  
Lexa knew if Clarke saw her now she would have a few choice nouns for her. Lexa tries to approach the dog again but he bares his teeth.  
  
_"Ok. Ok. I see how it is. All of you are just going to be difficult today."_

Lexa examines the dog. 

 _"Do you want a treat?"_ At that the dog's ears perk up.  
  
_"See, you're not that different from your sister. Ok. How about this? You let me dry you off and I'll give you a treat? Does that sound fair? I think it sounds fair."_  
  
Lexa steps towards the dog again and he growls and bares his teeth once more.  
  
_"Treat before the drying off. Got it."_

Lexa runs to the kitchen and grabs a handful of treats from the box. She runs back outside. 

 _"Look what I got."_  
  
Lexa shows the spoils of her trip. Fish wags his tail. Lexa puts one of the treats down on the floor right in front of him and as he's too busy eating it she gets to work with the towel and drying him off.

After the first treat Fish's mood immediately improves, but she goes through the entire handful before she has him dry, or at least dry enough for him not to drag the wet dog smell around the house. They're definitely going to have to give him a bath and dry him properly to make sure he doesn't reek though.  
  
Lexa unties him from the stairwell, takes off the leash and lets him run back in the house. She grabs the keys from the doorknob and closes the door behind her.  She dumps the towels in the washing machine and heads for her bedroom to check in on Clarke. She opens the door and hears the hair dryer going so she heads for the bathroom. She stands at the door making sure her wife isn't holding anything that could turn into a potential weapon.  
  
_"Costia is out of her wet clothes, the stroller is dry, and the dog is dry. Mostly dry. Well...He's dry enough but I'll give him a bath tomorrow. I'm going to give Cos a bath now and put her down for a nap. I think she's just tired."_  
  
Clarke looks at her through the mirror and says nothing.  
  
_"Ok...well. I...uhm...yeah."_  
  
And with that Lexa leaves the room and heads for Costia's nursery. Lexa finds Costia still crying but it's subsided enough to a point Lexa can handle.  
  
_"Hey bug."_

Lexa walks in and Costia raises her head to look at her. Her crying intensifies again. Lexa heads for the baby and picks her up holding her close to her chest. 

_"Shhh..."_

Lexa bounces the baby and pats her back. Nothing helps. 

 _"Ok. How about this? Your mom is busy drying her hair so I think we may have a few minutes to get you some ice cream. Yesterday you guys ate the last of the disgusting mint chocolate chip thing you two like, but there's still plenty of mine left if you want some. Do you want to try that? Maybe that will help?"_  
  
The baby cries and wiggles in Lexa's arms.  
  
_"Yeah. Let's give that a shot."_  
  
Lexa heads for the kitchen with the baby. She grabs a spoon from the drawer, opens the freezer and takes out the ice cream carton. The baby's eyes light up and the crying subsides.  
  
_"You know what that is don't you? You're too smart for me Cos."_  
  
She dips the spoon into the frozen cream and brings the spoon up to the baby's mouth. Costia immediately opens and eats it. Her mood speedily turns.  
  
_"I hope it's always this easy to make you happy."_

Lexa kisses the side of the baby's head as she goes for another spoonful feeding it to the now content baby. 

 _"You get one more after this then it's bath time. Can't have you hyped up before your nap. Your mom is already one misstep away from killing me in my sleep tonight. Let's not give her a reason to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mamamamamama."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, your mom's not very happy with me right now Cos. Any ideas on how to fix it?"_  
  
Lexa looks at Costia who looks back at her and goes on a babbling rant. Lexa listens attentively.  
  
_"Yeah. You're absolutely right. All I have to do is give her time to cool off."_

Costia babbles more. 

_"No, you do have a point. We should've checked the weather before we left but in my defense they'd been saying it would rain for days and it never did it so I didn't think it would actually happen."_

Costia keeps babbling. 

 _"Yes. They are the experts and I should listen to them. Can't argue with you there Cos."_  
  
Lexa gives the baby one last spoonful of ice cream before covering it back with the lid. The baby looks at her confused.  
  
_"No. No more."_  
  
Costia pouts and shakes her arms.  
  
_"Don't give me that face. You can't give me that face. I told you one more."_  
  
The baby's eyes begin to water.  
  
_"No. How is that fair? I gave you proper warning. Don't look at me like that."_  
  
The baby's pout grows and her eyes brim with tears. She's two seconds away from crying again.  
  
_"You can't do that. You can't look at me with your mom's eyes and then expect me to not give you things. That's quite inconsiderate."_  
  
Lexa dips the spoon in the ice cream once more and brings it up to the baby's mouth.  
  
_"You're just as manipulative as your mother. You know that? You can't even really speak yet and you always get your way. We're going to have to do something about that. Can't have you always getting what you want."_  
  
Lexa gives her another bite of ice cream. They stay like that for another five minutes. They "chat" while Lexa swears it's the last bite of ice cream and Costia tricks her into giving her more.  
  
_"Ok. That's enough Cos. You've had way more than one scoop already."_

The baby looks at her and babbles.

 _"No. I'm putting it away now. You're done."_  
  
Lexa covers the ice cream and puts it back in the freezer. Costia babbles particularly forcefully and Lexa looks at her taken aback.  
  
_"Well that wasn't a very nice thing to say, now was it? We're going to have to work on your manners."_  
  
Lexa licks the spoon before putting it the sink to be dealt with later. She readjusts the baby in her arms and heads out of the kitchen only to find Clarke resting against the wall.  
  
_"I'm trying very hard to be mad but I can't and I hate you for it."_

Clarke steps closer to Lexa and places her hands on Lexa’s chest.

_"You have conversations with our baby and it's ridiculous."_

_"You tell me every day but it helps develop their brain. It's a proven fact."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How do I get you to stop reading those fucking baby books?"_  
  
Lexa brings her free hand to cover just one of the baby's ears and looks at Clarke offended.  
  
_"We still have a few months before she starts parroting things. Relax"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You sound like Anya. And my books are insightful"_  
  
_"She does have a point. Those books have you convinced talking to a ten month old like she has any clue what you're saying is a good idea. I don't know how smart they are."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When we have genius kids you can thank me and my brain developing skills."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh so if they’re smart you get all the credit? You know who grew that brain? I did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You did. Didn't you?"_  
  
Lexa leans in to kiss Clarke but before their lips can meet they hear a loud splash coming for the back of the apartment. They look at each other confused when suddenly Lexa's eyes grow three times as big.  
  
_"Oh no. Oh no..."_  
  
Lexa rushes to the bathroom and Clarke follows not far behind confused as to what's going on. They're a few feet from the bathroom when they step on water.  
  
_"Oh no."_  
  
From this distance they can hear the running water as well as more splashes. They push the cracked bathroom door open and find and overflowing tub and an eager puppy jumping around inside it. Lexa runs to the tub and closes the faucet before grabbing Fish by the collar to stop him from jumping any more and turning to look Clarke.  
  
_"Tell me you didn't start filling the tub and then forgot about it and that on top of that you didn't also leave the door open so that the dog could get in. Please tell me you didn't just do that Lexa."_  
  
Lexa doesn't answer and Clarke glares at her before leaving the bathroom.  
  
_"I'm sorry!"_

Lexa screams after her trying to keep the dog still with one hand and hold the baby with the other. 

 _"Remember how I said we shouldn't give mommy a reason to kill me in my sleep?"_  
  
Lexa turns and asks the baby who babbles back.  
  
_"I think we did just that."_  
  
Ten seconds later Clarke walks in with a mop. She rests the mop against the sink before taking the baby from Lexa's arms.  
  
_"I'm putting her down for a nap. Drain the tub and start with the hallway."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want to drown you in that tub right now. I really do. But if I did then who would clean this up? I'm going to put her down because if she doesn't sleep soon she's going to ruin her schedule and be up all night. Once she's asleep we’ll decide if I’m filing for divorce."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're amazing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm aware."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I fixed it and you had to ruin it again. You're going back tomorrow. I'm serious this time."_ Lexa tells the dog as she pulls him from the tub.

* * *

Clarke walks into the nursery with a babbling baby and heads for the rocking chair in the corner. She sits down and tries to lay Costia flat in her arms to get her to sleep but Costia sits back up every time Clarke tries.  
  
_"Come on Cos. I know you're tired. You should've been asleep already. We have a schedule for a reason. Stop fighting it."_  
  
The baby stands up with wobbly thighs and rests her body against Clarke's. She places each of her small hands on either side of Clarke's face and gives her an open mouth, very sloppy kiss.  
  
_"Thank you baby. That's so sweet."_  
  
Clarke peppers her face with kisses.  
  
_"Your kisses are as wet as the dog's though. We need to work on that."_  
  
Clarke wipes her face and tries to lean Costia back in her arms once more but Costia is apparently not having any of this nap nonsense and sits up again. This time as she tries to get up she flails her legs and kicks Clarke in the abdomen.  
  
_"Careful. There's baby in there now."_  
  
Clarke places her hand protectively over her stomach. Costia stands again and babbles against her mom's face.  
  
_"Are you as unprepared for this big sister thing as I am for the mother of two thing?"_  
  
Costia strings some unintelligent mumbles.  
  
_"Yeah, that's how I feel too."_  
  
Clarke catches herself talking to the baby.  
  
_"Oh god. I sound like your momma now. I'm talking to a baby. Can you believe this?"_  
  
Clarke tickles her stomach and kisses her. Costia wraps her small arms as best she can around Clarke's neck and rests her head on her shoulders.  
  
_"Oh, so you just want to take your nap standing up. I get it. I'm blaming all your weird quirks on your mom. No way you got them from me."_  
  
Clarke rubs gentle circles with her hand on the baby's back.  
  
_"What are we going to do with two of you running around? Your mom insist it'll be fine, but I'm not so sure about that. Not that I don't think we can't handle it because honestly whatever your mom sets her mind to she gets and I know she's going to make sure we do, but...I don't know Cos. She really wants this. I know she does. I couldn't not give it to her but maybe we should've waited a little more."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath.  
  
_"I don't know."_  
  
The baby turns her head on Clarke's shoulder and tightens her grip around her neck.  
  
_"I really am talking to a baby. Let's not tell your mom though. She wouldn't let me hear the end of it."_  
  
Clarke shakes her head and begins to quietly sing to the infant. Soon Costia's breaths start to even out and before long she's asleep.

* * *

Lexa squeezes the water out of the mop and into the bucket before she continues to wipe down the hallway floor as the dog looks at her intently from where she tied him in the bathroom. She had to keep him from running wet around the house somehow and the only real place she could fasten his leash was the toilet so that's what she did. He now looks at her curiously as she moves back and forth the hallway cleaning up the mess he is partially responsible for.  
  
Lexa has most of the hallway dried up when Clarke steps out from the nursery. Clarke nods letting Lexa know the baby is asleep before she heads towards the bathroom. When she stands across from the door she cocks her head in confusion and slight frustration.  
  
_"I told you to drain the tub."_  
  
Lexa looks back into the bathroom.  
  
_"Damn it. I forgot."_  
  
Lexa rests the mop against the wall and walks on the half an inch of water still left to deal with on the bathroom floor. She bends over to pull the drain but before she can do that or register what the sounds behind her mean she feels Clarke's hand on her back and she's tumbling into the water. Within a second everything from her neck to her knees is soaked.  
  
_"Clarke!"_  
  
Lexa screams in shock as water exits the tub and splashes all over the bathroom and on the dog. The dog barks loudly.  
  
_"Shhhhhhhhhhhh!"_  
  
Clarke laughs while also shushing them to make sure they doesn't make up the baby.  
  
_"Both of you need to be quiet."_  
  
Clarke locks the bathroom door behind her to keep their voices in.  
  
_"This is not cool."_

Lexa looks at her from inside the tub and Clarke laughs again.  
  
_"It's as close as I can get to killing you without going to jail."_  
  
Clarke chuckles as Lexa tries to coordinate all her ridiculously long limbs in a way that will make it easy for her to get out of the tub. Lexa is anything but graceful right now. When the awkward angle she fell in makes it impossible for her to get out without assistance, Lexa extends her hand.  
  
_"I need help."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You certainly look like you do."_  
  
Clarke laughs and contemplates the predicament her wife is currently in.  
  
_"Seriously? Help me up."_  
  
Lexa waves her hand helplessly.  
  
_"Alexandria, I just dried my hair. If you pull me in..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I won't. Just...help me."_  
  
Clarke raises her eyebrows not fully trusting this but she steps up to the tub and grabs Lexa's hand anyway. The instant she does Lexa pulls her down and onto her. Clarke screams and the dog barks again. They both turn to shush him.  
  
_"I fucking hate you."_  
  
Clarke slips off from Lexa and further into the water while wiping her drenched hair from her face.  
  
_"Now we’re even. And no, you don't."_  
  
Lexa looks over to her wife as they both lay side by side with their backs against the wall and their feet hanging out of the side of the tub.  
  
_"I kind of do.”_

Clarke tries to straighten herself out in the tub, but it’s so narrow that it makes it impossible.

 _“This is really uncomfortable."_  
  
Clarke wiggles around trying to get up.  
  
_"I'm aware."_  
  
Lexa pulls her back down. Clarke splashes her in the face as retaliation.  
  
_"Well...it'd been a while since we'd taken a bath together."_  
  
The dog comes up to the edge of the tub and licks Clarke hanging feet.  
  
_"This does_ **not** _count like a bath. I like my baths to be relaxing. Relaxing is not how I'd describe this."_  
  
Clarke points between them and around the room for dramatic effect.  
  
_"How would you describe it then?"_  
  
Lexa turns her head to Clarke and watches her with the most adoring gaze. Clarke rolls her eyes and pushes her face away with her hand.  
  
_"Don't look at me like that. I can never be mad at you when you do."_  
  
Lexa laughs and turns to look at her despite her complaints. Clarke rolls her eyes again but before long turns her head towards Lexa so they can look at each other. They both smile.  
  
_"Today has been a disaster."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not at all."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you have short term memory problems that we need to get checked out? Today was a mess Lex. Every second of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know what you're talking about."_  
  
Lexa states incredulous before she splashes her wife gently and Clarke splashes her back twice as hard.  
  
_"Today has been perfect."_ Lexa speaks honestly while looking tenderly at Clarke. _"There might have been a few kinks..."_ _  
_  
Clarke interrupts her.  
  
_"A few kinks? Lexa we failed at getting the reference photo I need, then we got rained on, our dog is an idiot, and we're currently sitting fully clothed in a tub full of lukewarm water."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That last one is your fault though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I take no responsibility for this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh yeah. An unknown entity pushed me into the tub. You were nothing but an innocent bystander."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds about right."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"There were a few kinks..."_ Lexa reiterates what she was trying to say earlier. _"...but I got to spend the day with my favorite people in the world and that counts as a perfect day to me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're the reason Anya and Raven call us...what is it again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Irreparably gay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah...you give us the “irreparably gay” reputation because you say things like that."_  
  
Lexa chuckles and Clarke rests her head on her shoulder.  
  
_"Oh...getting comfortable are we?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can't really figure out how we're going to get out of this so we live here now. This tub is where spend the rest of our lives."_  
  
Lexa laughs once more and brings her hand to hold Clarke's underwater. They intertwine their fingers and Lexa kisses Clarke's forehead.  
  
_"I think you need to move your feet that way. If you get on your back you might be able to get up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're taking up half the tub. How am I going to get on my back with you in here?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Just...move your feet that way."_  
  
Lexa pushes Clarke's feet with hers. Clarke keeps going until she is laying across the length of the tub.  
  
_"This is even more uncomfortable."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sit up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're in the space I would sit if I was in here alone!"_  
  
Lexa scoots over to the very end of the tub.  
  
_"Sit."_  
  
Once she does Clarke realizes where Lexa is going with this.  
  
_"Oh..."_  
  
Clarke crosses her legs and uses them to push herself up to stand. Lexa smiles at her from where she sits on the tub.  
  
_"See...told you. Now get out and help me up. Everything is going to hurt tomorrow if I stay like this much longer."_  
  
Clarke steps out of the tub and her clothes drip more water everywhere. She extends her hand but quickly pulls it back.  
  
_"Don't even think about it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not going to pull you in again."_  
  
Clarke offers her hand once more and Lexa grabs it. After some struggle, Clarke manages to pull Lexa out. Now they're both standing and dripping even more water onto the floor. Clarke tilts her head up to kiss her wife.  
  
_"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For reminding me that sometimes I worry about silly things and second guess decisions I shouldn't. There's nothing you and I can't figure out together."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We make a good team."_ Lexa utters softly.  
  
_"An irreparably gay team."_ Clarke smiles warmly at her wife. _“Think this team can clean up this mess?”_

_“I think we could tackle the end of the world if we needed to.”_

_“The two of us? In the apocalypse? Now that’d be something else.”_ Clarke laughs imagining it.

 _“I think we’d make it.”_ Lexa declares confidently.

_“I have a feeling we’d make it too.”_

In a few years they’d be confronted with the unfortunate fact that it would take a lot less than the end of the world to test the foundation of the relationship they’d spent over a decade building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	8. June 14, 2029

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried *so hard* to keep my filmmaker and screenwriter habits at bay while writing this story. It has taken a lot of conscious effort to not write this as a script because that's the only writing I've done for over a decade now, but as I was proofreading this particular chapter I realized that I inadvertently approached this part of the story in pretty much the same way as I would write/edit one of my films and I decided to leave it. I think it should be easy to notice the pattern of scenes and/or cuts in this. Not going to lie, I think this thing would be pretty fun to shoot. There's room for a lot of stunning visuals in here. Especially the stuff from Lexa's POV towards the end. Shooting all that first person would lead to an outstanding cinematic sequence.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**June 14, 2029**

Lexa’s phone lies on the ground next to her. She feels it buzz for the millionth time. She opens one of her eyes and leans over to look at it just as the screen lights up. Clarke again. The call goes to voicemail and adds one more to the tally of 82 missed calls Lexa has had today from Clarke alone. That's not including the hundreds more she’s had from Anya, Abby, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, or anyone else who has tried to reach her. Lexa has ignored all of them. Once the phone stops vibrating, Lexa returns to her previous position. She rests her back against the tree and closes her eyes.

The breeze is autumnal and refreshing today. The weather is not suffocatingly hot as it's been the last few weeks. The birds seem to be particularly chipper about that. The grass under her hands and feet is lush which is a stark contrast to the roughness of the bark currently pressing against her spine. This is about as much as Lexa can process right now. These little things are the extent of what she is allowing her brain to focus on today. Anything more than that is off limits.

Lexa's been sitting there for...she's not exactly sure but it has to be more than a handful of hours. At least. She's been in this exact position for so long that her ass has gone numb and her legs have pins and needles but she's decided that feeling _something_ is comforting and she's not in any rush to deal with it.

The sun is high in the sky when she hears the unmistakable sound of an old engine and without a doubt she knows who that belongs to. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. She thought she would be able to get away from everyone today if she came here. Apparently not from her. She hears the crack of boots against rocks and that distinctive gait coming up the hill. As they get closer Lexa braces for the inevitable.  
  
_"God fucking damn it Lexa. Can you give me one day off? One single fucking day where I don't have to get a call from your wife telling me that you've done whatever dumb shit you felt like doing that day and that I need to drop everything to run and fix it? I have a fucking life too you know."_  
  
Lexa scratches the side of her face and says nothing.  
  
_"Call her."_  
  
Lexa doesn't answer.  
  
_"Pick up your damn phone and call Clarke because I'm done being the messenger between the two of you. I'm not a fucking part of your marriage. That might come as a shocker to both of you, but I'm not."_  
  
Lexa sits in silence with her legs still crossed and her eyes just as closed looking as peaceful as she was before Anya got there. Anya kicks Lexa's thigh - partly out of frustration and partly because she's trying to get a reaction - before bending down and picking up the cellphone that rests on the ground next to her sister and thrusting it into her chest.  
  
_"I'm sick of your shit. Everyone is done with it to be honest. We're so fucking over it. Grab the phone and talk to your wife."_  
  
Lexa doesn't take the phone Anya is holding to her chest. Matter of fact Lexa doesn't even acknowledge she's there which irritates Anya beyond words. She shoves Lexa causing her to fall sideways on her left shoulder before she lets the phone bounce on the ground. That finally forces Lexa to open her eyes and look at her apoplectic.  
  
_"Oh, there she is."_  
  
Lexa straightens herself and looks away then closes her eyes once more. She is back to ignoring Anya.  
  
_"Do you want to do this here Lexa? Really? Because my patience for you is at an all time low today. I will beat your ass right here. Don't think I won't. I actually feel like she'd enjoy the show."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya...I came here for a reason. I wanted to be alone."_ Lexa speaks dryly.  
  
_"That's fine. Anyone would've understood that. All you had to do was answer one of our calls and used your fucking words. Fuck, even a text would've done it. It shouldn't be too much to ask for you to act like a fucking adult."_  
  
Lexa doesn't say anything. Anya begins to walk to her car but her anger doesn't let her simply leave and she doubles back.  
  
_"You don't get to pull this shit today. Not today Lexa. Today should have been about him. We should all be thinking about him instead of worrying about where the fuck you are."_  
  
She pushes Lexa. Hard. When Lexa opens her eyes again she is confronted with the tears threatening to fall from Anya's eyes. Thing is, Anya doesn't cry. That's as much of a given as the sky being blue. Lexa can probably count the amount of times she's seen her sister do so in their entire lives with one hand and have plenty of fingers left unused.  
  
_"Dinner is in three hours. You have one minute to get up and be in that truck or I'm leaving you here."_  
  
Anya thinks she walks away before Lexa has a chance to see her wipe the tears that break free, but Lexa saw. She did and for a second she wants to go after Anya. She wants to tell her she's sorry. She wants to explain that doing this is easier since the alternative is laying in bed and never getting up again because she wouldn't have the energy to. Lexa could get up and explain her reasons, but she knows if she allows herself to feel _one thing_ then it will snowball and she can't go there. Not today. Instead she says nothing.

Lexa sits in silence looking at Costia's headstone until she hears Anya drive away and sighs.

 _"What do they want from me Cos? I don't get it."_  
  
She speaks directly to the headstone a few feet away.

**"Costia Greene**

**April 4, 1989 - November 1, 2005**

**Daughter and friend"**

  
Whenever Lexa needed to slip away she came here. She's been doing it since she was 16. If she needs someone to talk to without fearing judgement or just a place to exist in silence, she'll come sit by this tree and not leave until she's ready to go face whatever she was running from. There were quite a few years when she didn't require the safety this space offers. She didn't feel the urge to come for a long time except to bring flowers once or twice a year because her life was as close to perfect as it could get. That hasn't been the case lately and Lexa has found herself sitting in this exact spot fairly often in the past year. No one knew about this spot and what it meant to her. Not even Clarke. At least she didn't think anyone knew about it, but of course Anya did. Lexa wonders how long Anya has known she's been coming here, but if she knew before today she never made it obvious because this is the first time in the twenty three years Costia has been dead that anyone has ever bothered Lexa at her grave. Lexa wasn't sure how she felt about that.

* * *

A red faced Clarke held a balled up towel up to her mouth as she sat on the closed toilet lid and wept. Not long after Jake's funeral she learned this tends to keep the sounds of her screams and sobs muffled. She found herself using this trick more often than she'd liked, but especially during the weeks leading up to today.  
  
Lately Clarke felt guilty when she cried. Guilty because every second she spent crying over Jake was a second she didn't spend with the children who were still alive, but mostly she felt guilty because she knew crying wouldn't fix anything. Clarke felt like she didn't deserve to cry because in the last year she hadn't found a solution to any of their problems. She couldn't convince the universe to give him back regardless of how much she begged it to. She couldn't get through to Lexa. She couldn't make Costia understand that her anger was misplaced. She couldn't fix her crumbling marriage. There were too many things she hasn't been able to do in the past year that she sees no reason of being worthy of the catharsis crying offers. Clarke truly believed she deserved every ounce of the pain she felt.  
  
Thick tears stream down her face and stain her jeans as she holds the towel tighter against her mouth and releases a particularly loud whimper. Moments later a sobering knock on the door.  
  
_"Honey..."_  
  
Clarke recognizes Abby's voice. She takes some quick but deep breaths to stabilize herself and dries her face.  
  
_"I'll be right out mom."_  
  
Clarke speaks in her best serene voice before flushing the toilet to play it up. She unclumps the towel and places it neatly back on the rack before walking up to the sink and washing her face thoroughly making sure she covers the tracks the tears left behind as best she can. She looks at herself in the mirror and doesn't recognize the woman looking back at her. It seems like a stranger. A much older stranger. A stranger who's been through things Clarke would've never wished on anyone. Clarke takes one final breath and opens the door. Abby is leaning against the wall right outside.  
  
_"Mom, I'm fine."_  
  
Clarke says reassuringly anticipating the question she's heard a thousand times this week. Abby walks up to her and takes her face between her hands.  
  
_"You don't have to pretend with me, you know? You can do it with everyone else if you want but you don't have to with me."_  
  
Abby strokes her thumbs up and down Clarke's cheek as she speaks lovingly. Clarke brings up her own hands to cover her mother's.  
  
_"I'm okay. I promise."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No one expects you to put a brave face on. Not today of all days."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Someone has to."_  
  
Clarke smiles weakly, moves her mother's hands from her face before kissing them, and walks past her. She takes one last deep breath as she exits her bedroom and heads for the kitchen where she can hear Roa laughing. Clarke was thankful at least someone in their house was still able to.

* * *

 Clarke walks past Marcus watching the news in the living room on her way to the kitchen. In the kitchen she finds her twelve year old sitting on the counter giggling at the sight of Raven wearing a tin foil eye patch and her almost eight year old splayed on the counter being tickled by her aunt.  
  
_"No. No. No more."_ Roa managed to say in between Raven's tickles.  
  
_"Only if you say it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No!"_  
  
Raven tickles her again.  
  
_"Say it."_  
  
Roa squirms and giggles.  
  
_"You're cooler than Aunt Anya."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"See. I knew it."_  
  
Raven stops tickling the girl and looks at Clarke proudly.  
  
_"I'm cooler than Anya. This is the smartest one you made Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah yeah. Get her off the counter. Counters are for food, not people."_  
  
Clarke walks towards the oven and cracks it open to look at the chickens cooking inside. When her back is turned, Raven makes a face imitating Clarke and Roa laughs as she extends her arms towards her aunt so she can help her off the high surface.  
  
_"Nana, that means you too."_  
  
Anya sighs as she slides her butt off the counter.  
  
_"Every time I see you cooking my stomach turns. I can't believe they eat your food."_  
  
Clarke throws the spoon that was on the stove at Raven.  
  
_"Ow! You gave me and O food poisoning with instant ramen once. That should be a medical impossibility but you did it. I have every right to be suspicious."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"College Clarke didn't know how to cook. That was a long time ago Rae."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Time is a made up concept and my stomach doesn't understand it."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and pulls out some potatoes from the pantry.  
  
_"You've eaten my food plenty of times since then. Be useful and peel these. Get the girls to help."_  
  
Clarke puts the bag of potatoes on the counter.  
  
_"Nana where's your sister?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"In her room."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can you go get her please? Tell her we need more hands in here."_  
  
Anya and Raven speak over each other.  
  
_"Oh, right. By the way...O texted. Her and Linc are on the way. So are Bell and Echo."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's in a bad mood today mom. She's been mean all day."_  
  
Anya looks apprehensive and Clarke understands why. Costia hasn't been the easiest person to deal with this year and even though she tends to be really protective of and sweet to her sisters, she has some bad days and Clarke assumes today is one of those.  
  
_"Ok."_ Clarke walks up to Anya and kisses her head. _"I'll go get her. Help your aunt with those. They all better be peeled by the time I get back. That means no playing with them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What are we? The help?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Exactly."_ Clarke smiles.  
  
Clarke walks out of the kitchen while Raven grumbles about what she presumes is nothing good and heads to the back of the apartment towards the bedrooms. Abby has joined Marcus on the couch but perks up when she sees Clarke walk by.  
  
_"Do you guys need any help in there?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We got it covered right now. You guys can sit."_  
  
Clarke walks and talks and soon she's turned the corner into the hallway.

* * *

Clarke stands in front of the last bedroom door in the long hallway for a centering beat prior to opening it. Inside she finds Costia with her back to the entrance. For a split second Clarke thinks her daughter might be asleep and is about to walk out when she sees Costia's body tremble and quickly realizes Costia is not sleeping but quietly crying instead. She gently closes the door behind her and as she moves towards the bed she notices her daughter's phone in her hands and headphones in her ears. On the screen she can see a video. It's Costia and Jake at the park before one of his games goofing off and making faces at the camera. Clarke sits on the bed and Costia turns surprised when she feels the bed dip. When she notices who it is she quickly turns and wraps her arms around her mother. Costia sobs into Clarke's chest as Clarke rubs circles around her back like she used to do when her now teenager was a baby.  
  
_"It's not fair mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It isn't. I know it isn't and I know you miss him but Jake wouldn't have wanted us to be sad forever Cos. That's why we're doing what we’re doing today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I hate today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's hard but we're all here for each other. That's the point. Do you want to come outside and hang out with grandma and grandpa while I'm in the kitchen? Maybe I can convince them to put one of your shows on."_ _  
_  
Costia fervently shakes her head no.  
  
_"You have to come out of your room at some point Cos. All your cousins are coming."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to see anyone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Today isn't optional Costia. We're doing this as a family."_  
  
Clarke sounds uncompromising. Costia groans but doesn't say anything.  
  
_"You can stay in your room until the kids get here but once they do I expect you to be out there. Understood?"_  
  
Costia doesn't answer.  
  
_"I'll take that as a yes."_

Clarke kisses her head and unwraps Costia's hands from her waist.

 _"I have to go make sure Raven doesn't ruin dinner. If you want to come out before everyone gets here we could use another hand in the kitchen and you're my favorite helper."_  
  
Costia still doesn't react. Clarke is sure she has gotten her skills for blatantly ignoring people from Lexa. She's especially started to notice the similarities between the two of them this past year.  
  
_"Things are less complicated when we do them together Cos."_  
  
That's the last thing Clarke tells her daughter before she stands from the bed and leaves the room. Once her mother is out the door Costia grabs her phone and headphones again. She replays the video of her and Jake from the beginning.

* * *

Within half an hour the Griffin-Woods house had erupted into chaos. Octavia and Lincoln arrived with ten year old Lukas and seven year old Liana. Bellamy and Echo joined with four year old Kai not long after. Monty and a pregnant Harper, Jasper and Maya, and Murphy and Emori eventually arrived as well.  
  
Anya, Roa, Lukas, Liana, and Kai were presently running around the house roughhousing and shrieking which, to be frank, made Clarke slightly relieved that Jasper and Maya had to leave nine year old Vincent and their almost three year old Emerson at home with a sitter as they weren't feeling well because five hyperactive kids was probably as much mayhem as Clarke could handle right now. Thankfully Costia walked out of her room and sat herself down in the living room once she heard the commotion. Costia has her head buried in her phone and hasn't spoken to anyone, but Clarke will take her doing as she was told and willingly coming out as a win.

* * *

There's a knock on the door about an hour later and Clarke sends Raven to get it. Raven swings the door open to find Anya holding a twelve pack of beer. Raven makes to close the door on her face but Anya stops it with her forearm.  
  
_"Real cute Reyes."_ Anya spits out annoyed.  
  
_"I know I am."_ Raven shrugs innocently and winks at her.  
  
Anya rolls her eyes dramatically and walks into the apartment.  
  
_"You could at least say thank you."_ Raven closes the door behind her. _"Bitch."_ She mutters low enough that only she can hear.  
  
Raven and Anya had been doing this thing for over a decade now where they seem to genuinely believe they couldn't stand each other when everyone around them could see what they actually were was insanely attracted to one another. The entire gang had attempted to set them up more than once at different points throughout the years but Anya and Raven zealously resisted. The pair's blatant (or willful) ignorance became the best running joke in their group of friends. One of everyone's favorite things was to reply with _"When Anya and Raven finally sleep together"_ if they were asked to do something or attend an event they didn't particularly want to. Needless to say, it drove Anya and Raven crazy because hell no they weren't into that stubborn and really crass woman with no filters and a twisted sense of humor. No way. Not at all. How could anyone think that? Absolutely not.

* * *

Clarke and Octavia bounce around the kitchen getting the last few things ready for dinner while Monty and Jasper help set the table and everyone else sits around the house chatting. Clarke can hear the sound of Anya's work boots approaching the kitchen and turns to the door hoping that Lexa will be with her. When Anya heads for the fridge with the beer and there's no Lexa in sight Clarke’s concern grows.  
  
_"You didn't find her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I did."_  
  
Clarke looks at her expecting more. Anya cracks a beer open and takes a long sip.  
  
_"She'll come home when she comes home I guess."_  
  
Anya leaves the kitchen and almost bumps into Raven on the way out.  
  
_"What bug crawled up her ass?"_

Raven asks her two best friends. Clarke dries her hands with a towel and goes after Anya.

* * *

Clarke finds her sister in law standing alone in the balcony, looking out onto the city, and sipping on her beer. Anya doesn't need to turn to realize Clarke is the person that just walked out.  
  
_"If I had anything more to say I would've told you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Where is she?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you don't know what's the_ **one** _place Lexa would go to today, then it's not my job to tell you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, Clarke. You two need to fucking talk to each other. I'm done being in the middle."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is she okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's alive. She's out there. She'll come back when she fucking feels like it. That's all I got for you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you think she'll come tonight?"_  
  
Anya shrugs and takes another swig. Clarke takes that as her queue to leave.

When Anya hears her walk away she moves to wipe the single tear that almost fell from her eye. Lexa doesn't get to make her cry again today. She doesn't.

* * *

After a lot of wrangling with the kids, they manage to sit for dinner. Everyone has somehow crammed into the table and have now served themselves. As they eat the group goes around telling funny stories or sharing their favorite memories of Jake. There are plenty of laughs but there are also more than enough tears. They're not necessarily sad tears though. At least not all of them.  
  
Costia is curled up into Clarke's side with a scowl on her face and her eyes glued to the table. She’s not eating, she hasn't shared anything with the group, and she doesn't really intend to. Most of these people pretend Jake didn't exist every other day. Why should she indulge them today?  
  
_"I remember the time I hit him with a bat and..."_  
  
Nana starts to speak but is interrupted when the front door opens. The group sitting at the table quiets down. They see Lexa walk by without acknowledging them or saying a word.  
  
_"Lex."_  
  
Lexa doesn't stop. Clarke moves Costia from her chest and goes after Lexa.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Lexa keeps walking towards the back of the apartment.  
  
_"Lexa."_

Clarke says sternly this time. Lexa finally stops but doesn't turn to look at her.  
  
_"Where were you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not here."_ _  
_

Lexa is short and cold with Clarke.

 _"I called you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I saw."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Will you look at me?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What's that going to solve?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd simply like to not talk to the back of your head."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We don't have to talk at all."_  
  
_"Lexa."_

Clarke resorts to her mom voice. Lexa rolls her eyes at the ridiculous attempt to "discipline" her but nevertheless turns around.  
  
_"Everyone's here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good for them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can we not do this? Please? Not today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Let me go to my office Clarke. You guys can keep doing whatever you were doing. Just imagine I'm not here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We want you here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Doing what? Passing around photos and putting on a front? Making believe this means something?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're trying to make today easier."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Easier? Easier."_  
  
Lexa scoffs incredulous.  
  
_"You think this makes it better? You think a dinner fixes this? You don't get it. You can't possibly. Me being here or not being here for this farce doesn't change anything. He's still dead and all of you sitting there acting like appetizers make a difference is bullshit Clarke."_  
  
Lexa speaks without getting agitated. She never raises her voice. She never loses her composure.  
  
_"We're trying to remember him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to remember Clarke!"_  
  
Lexa shouts catching Clarke off guard and making her jump slightly. That's the moment where Lexa loses her equanimity for the first time in months. This is exactly what she was trying to avoid.  
  
_"You want me to talk about him? You want me to rehash memories? You really want to know why I don't ever talk about that night? Do you?! Because I can tell you. Maybe you'll leave me alone after that."_  
  
Lexa sets her jaw and talks forcefully as she walks back to stand in front of the dining room entrance and looks around at everyone.  
  
_"Is that what everyone wants to hear? Is this what you've all been waiting for?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa, the kids."_  
  
Clarke pleads. Lexa ignores Clarke's warning and keeps speaking.  
  
_"You weren't there. None of you were. You have_ **no** _idea."_  
  
Lincoln stands to grab Roa and Liana.  
  
_"Come on girls. Let's put on a movie."_  
  
He looks at Marcus who follows his lead and grabs Lukas. He also taps Anya on the shoulder letting her now she should also join. Echo had Kai on her lap and does the same. Marcus tries with Costia but she resists. She wants to watch this. After Abby nods at him, he follows after Lincoln towards Roa's bedroom and leaves Costia with her grandmother. Lexa never stopped talking as they got the kids out of the room.  
  
_"Time slowed down. I remember all of it. I don't need a dinner and an audience to revisit that night because I get to relive every single second on a daily basis. What part do you want me to share so we can_ "make it easier" _? That the bullets hit him before they hit me? That I heard them and I didn't know what they were at first? Do you want to know how I thought it was a lot of firecrackers going off at once? Should I share with the group that I felt something warm splash on my face? You want me to sit there...at the table where he used to eat his cereal every morning...and put on a show pretending that his blood didn't get on me when he got shot?"_  
  
A heated Lexa turns from their friends to her wife.  
  
_"That’s what happened Clarke. That's what was on my face. His fucking blood and it was a lot. So much of it. I turned to look at him and he was confused. He was so confused. He didn't get what was happening. I didn't understand what was happening either until I felt them hit me too."_  
  
Lexa had never talked about that night. She refused to. With anyone. This is the first time any of them is hearing this including Clarke who’s face is now devoid of color and looks as pale as chalk.  
  
_"I convinced one of my contacts at the morgue to get me a copy of the autopsy and then I read it. I read it until the pages started falling apart and when they did I simply asked for a new copy. It's in my desk. I still read it. He got shot seven times. One of them went through his neck. He bled out before anyone even got there. I watched him die. I know what the look on his face was when he died. Not you. Not any of you. You don't get it so you can't tell me how to remember him because all I want to do is forget th..."_  
  
_"We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!"_ A bellicose Costia jumps in.  
  
_"Costia."_ Abby interjects dourly.  
  
_"Cos don't do this. Your mom..."_ Raven tries to get Costia to sit down.  
  
_"No! Why does no one ever say it? Her job killed him. Your career was more important to you than any of us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's not true."_ Lexa adds distressed. _  
_ _  
_ _"If it wasn't you wouldn't have done it. You wouldn't have gone after those guys. You wouldn't have made them want to hurt you. My brother worshipped you and he got killed because of your selfishness Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shut up!"_ Clarke turns and yells at Costia.  
  
_"He died because of you."_ Costia bites out venomously.  
  
Those words cut through Lexa harder than any bullet ever could.  
  
_"Ok. That’s enough. Come on."_

Raven practically drags Costia out of the dining room and towards the front door.  
  
_"She needs to know what we're all thinking. You pretty much killed him. **You** did it Lexa." _  
  
Costia manages to get in before Raven literally pushes her out of the apartment. Octavia quickly goes after them.  
  
Clarke turns to Lexa who looks like the wind has been knocked out of her. Her breaths are shallow and she's blinking really fast.  
  
_"I don't think that. No one thinks that."_

Clarke attempts to comfort her and she goes to touch her but Lexa backs away.  
  
_"She shouldn't have said that. She’s just angry. This wasn't your fault Lex."_

Clarke tries to get to her desperately but she knows Lexa has checked out already.

* * *

Lexa's mouth is dry. Dryer than it's ever felt before. She knows Clarke is trying to speak to her but it all sounds muffled, like suddenly she's underwater. Her chest feels tight. Her eyes are blurry. Her skin feels cold.

Clarke just tried to touch her. She doesn't want to be touched. She backs away.

Anya is now standing behind Clarke. They're both saying things to her but she can't...she can't hear them. Her ears are ringing. She blinks fast. Her eyes aren't really in focus.

She needs to get out of here. Her feet are moving. She can tell that much. They're moving further into the apartment not out of it.

Clarke and Anya continue behind her. She can hear their muffled voices but she still doesn't know what they're saying.

Anya tries to grab her but Lexa frees her shoulder from her hand.

She needs to be away from everyone. She needs to be alone. Anywhere. She walks into the first room she sees and before anyone can do anything to stop her she slams the door shut and instinctively locks it. 

* * *

_"Lexa."_

Clarke stands outside the door.

 _"No one blames you. This wasn't you. You didn't do this. Jake...it wasn't your fault."_  
  
Anya yanks on the knob but it's closed.  
  
_"Lex. Let us in. At least one of us. Or whoever. Just tell us who."_  
  
Nothing.

* * *

Through the blur, Lexa sees a bed. She sits on it, closes her eyes, and covers her ears trying to tune it all out. She needs to get herself back under control. All she has to do is shut it off like she had done this whole time and she'll be fine. Breathe. She has to breathe.  
  
_"Breathe."_  
  
She murmurs to herself over and over again until she calms down slightly. When she starts to get a grip again she opens her eyes. She notices where she is.  
  
_"No."_  
  
How did she end up in the last place she wants to be right now? How did she end up in his room?

They haven't touched anything in here this entire year. It's exactly as he left it. Everything he owned. Everything he loved. Everything he was, all still here. Everything except for Jake.  
  
Lexa hasn't set foot inside this room since that morning when she walked in to say goodbye to him before she left for work. He was carefully brushing his curly hair in front of the mirror. She walked up to him, kissed him on the head, and playfully ruffled his hair messing up his tidy work. Jake jokingly growled at her before he hugged her and she walked out. She should've hugged him back. She should've said more. She should've taken time off to be with him. She should've done all those things so that she wouldn't have had to call Clarke to ask her to drop him off after school. She should've made sure he wasn't there that day. He would still be alive if she had. He was at her office that day because of her. Those men were at her office to hurt her. It was her fault. Jake was dead because of Lexa. She killed him.  
  
Her ears start to ring again. Her chest...it's as if an elephant was sitting on it. She can't breathe. Her mind is fuzzy. Her eyes are foggy. Lexa is losing control once more.

She screams. She screams in anger. She screams out of frustration. She screams because of the overwhelming guilt. More than anything, she screams because of her pain. The one that's currently blooming right at the center of her chest. The pain she's been trying to keep at bay for this long just detonated and it's burning her from the inside out.  
  
Lexa doesn't know when she stood, but now she is. She doesn't recall when her arms started moving but they are.

* * *

Anya and Lexa hear Lexa scream quickly followed by things crashing, breaking, and ripping.  
  
_"Lexa!"_ Clarke slams her fists on the door.  
  
_"Lexa!"_ Anya does the same.  _"Open the door!"_  
  
Anya pulls on the handle with frustration. Her and Clarke look at each other.  
  
_"Keys. Where are the keys?"_  
  
Clarke looks at her confused. She tries to think. They've been living here for years and the kid's doors are never supposed to be locked. She has no idea where that key could be.  
  
_"I don't know."_ Clarke tells her flustered.  
  
_"Oh come on!"_ Anya goes back to pounding. _"Lexa open the fucking door!"_  
  
Lincoln and Marcus have joined them by the door. So have Abby and Bellamy.  
  
_"We need to get in there."_ Clarke looks at Lincoln who nods and forcefully rams his shoulder against the door.

* * *

Lexa knocks everything from Jake's desk before she begins to kick it with her full body weight behind it. Following a few good kicks, one of the wooden legs snaps and the desk topples over. She opens his dresser drawers and empties them out onto the floor then knocks the dresser itself. Lexa opens his closet and plucks everything out of it. Once it's nothing is left hanging, she kicks one of the doors in forcing it off its hinges.

Lexa’s breathing is shallow. She looks around the now ravaged room left in disarray. She sees the drawings and baseball posters on the wall next to his bed and she zeroes in on them. She rips them all down and shreds them to bits. When she's done with those she grabs the queen mattress and flings it off the frame and to the opposite side of the room where it lands with a loud bang. She is about to throw and shatter his bedside table when she sees the picture. The one he had specifically asked to have printed so that he could have in his room.  
  
The photograph is of the two of them. They had taken a family vacation to the Dominican Republic during the kid's spring break last year. They got away for a week and it was everything Lexa could have dreamed. Her and Clarke didn't deal with work or the real world once. That vacation was all about them and the kids. She vividly recalls the day the picture was taken. It was their first full day there. Everyone had woken up early because they were excited about spending the day on the beach. They had breakfast at the buffet and the moment they were done they headed straight for the water. They spent the entire day playing on the warm sand and swimming in the crystal clear water. Towards the end of the day everyone was hungry but Jake didn't want to leave. The girls were getting cranky on account of the fact that they were having so much fun throughout the day that they hadn't even taken a real lunch break. Earlier no one wanted to stop playing and swimming, but now they all wanted food except for Jake who was still in the water and kept asking for five more minutes. After a particularly loud groan from Costia, Clarke sent Lexa to get him. Lexa tried to convince him that it was dinner time but he held his ground and Lexa saw no other option but to throw him upside down over her shoulder and drag him out of the water. Jake was laughing at full volume as he saw the world in reverse from his mother’s shoulder. Lexa was laughing just as hard. Clarke saw them walking out of the ocean like that and pulled out her camera. Clarke took several pictures, but the uncontested winner was the one she took when they walked up to where the rest of the family was sitting and both noticed Clarke taking photos. Unprompted, they did the same face at the same time. They closed their eyes, opened their mouths, and pulled out their tongues. It was such a Jake and Lexa thing to do. Clarke snapped a photo and Lexa put him down. That was the first day of the best vacation they ever had. It would also be the last with the six of them together.  
  
Lexa holds the picture frame and stares in silence as fat tears cascade down her face.

The door snaps open. Lincoln and Bellamy stumble into the room as a result of the remaining momentum from the force needed to break the lock. Everyone standing outside the room focuses on the destruction left after Lexa's rampage. Everyone scans it except for Clarke. The only person she can look at is Lexa.

* * *

Clarke look at Lexa holding the picture and she notices something different in her wife. Not once in this entire year has she ever seen Lexa this broken. Lexa looks...demoralized. Like she's two seconds away from giving up.

Clarke pushes Bellamy and Lincoln aside and runs to Lexa. Lexa looks away from the picture and at Clarke and in that instant Clarke swears she can feel her stomach drop. She can read the anguish in Lexa’s eyes.  
  
_"It wasn't you."_ Clarke whispers.

* * *

The last time Lexa allowed herself to cry was when she visited Jake's grave for the first time. She hasn't let it happen since. Except for now. She can't hold the tears in any longer.

Lexa is worn out. She's fucking exhausted. She holds the picture to her chest and lets herself fall. She fully expects to hit the ground but she doesn't. Clarke catches her before it happens and gently guides them both to the floor where she holds her.

* * *

Clarke sees Lexa's body give out under her and instinctively reaches out to bear her weight. Lexa feels heavy. Like an anvil is pulling her down. Clarke leads them to the floor and lovingly wraps her arms around her wife while Lexa clutches the picture frame and sobs.  
  
_"It wasn't you. It wasn't you."_

Clarke whispers reassuringly into Lexa’s hair nonstop.  
  
_"Alright. Everyone out. Go. Come on."_  
  
Clarke hears Anya shoo all their friends and family away. She is thankful Anya understands and foresees that the last thing Lexa would want is for anyone to witness this. This isn't meant to be seen by anyone, not even the people closest to her. She's grateful to Anya for giving them this time alone. It's the first chance they've had to grieve Jake together.

Lexa hasn't allowed this to happen before but now they're here, on the floor of their son's room, and for the first time in a long time Clarke doesn't feel guilty about crying. She doesn't feel like she needs to hide from it. It's just the two of them and Clarke has never felt the need to shroud the worst parts of her with Lexa. Not when it truly matters. Clarke isn't about to start now.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa stay like that for hours. They cried in each other's arms well into the middle of the night. They didn't move until long after everyone had left and her mom and Marcus had taken the kids home with them.  
  
Clarke eventually convinces Lexa to stand and they move to their bed where they cry some more before both are overcome by the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion of the last 365 days.  
  
As she's drifting off with her wife clutched firmly to her chest, Clarke is relieved that they've turned a new leaf and that Lexa has allowed herself to embrace what has happened. Clarke's looking forward to seeing what their lives will look like now that Lexa is coming to terms with losing Jake.

Much to her dismay, the next morning she wakes up to an empty bed. Alone. When Lexa eventually saunters back home hours later and after night has already fallen, she acts as if the previous day never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I toned this down quite a bit from the original version. I changed a lot of to make it more palatable for those of you who have mentioned you can't handle heavy angst/darker stuff well, but the thing that changed the most was definitely Jake's death. My personal version of how Jake's dies is much more...how do I put it...graphic but I know not everyone can get down with that sort of thing so I made Lexa recount the PG-13 version of it :)
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	9. April 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey,
> 
> There were a lot of very passionate reactions to the last chapter both on here and on asks I got on tumblr. That was pretty interesting to read. I love an engaged audience :) Because of comments/questions/notes/requests I've received in the past few days I'd like to clarify two things. 
> 
> 1) A lot of you want Clarke to kick Lexa's ass like yesterday, but the timeline for when that happens has already been previously established. Chapter 5 drops us into the story in May 2031. The last chapter is marked as June 2029. In Chapter 5 it is stated that it's been about six months since Clarke gave Lexa the ultimatum that snapped her out of it and kind of forced her hand to get it together. Between the one year anniversary of Jake dying and the chapter where Costia comes home drunk there's a two year gap. Approximately one and a half of that where Lexa is still not in the best place and a lot goes down. I mean...they have Aden so obviously a lot happens. So for those who want Clarke to properly freak out on Lexa three seconds after the one year anniversary, unfortunately that's not really a thing haha. 
> 
> 2) As far as timeline, some people have asked me to differentiate between "Past" and "Present" chapters. I'd like to clarify that there isn't really "past" or "present" in this story. It's not how I'm personally writing it at least. If we MUST, then I guess we could mark "present" as Clarke and Lexa's death and everything as "past" because to me it all happens as one "tense". As a writer imagine that I'm looking at this timeline from above and I see Point A at their birth and Point Z at their death. What I'm doing is jumping around between those two points as needed to fill gaps or highlight important moments or even just show what a day with the family looked like at this point in time. There is no "now" and "then". Think of everything as present or think of everything as past, but not as different things. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**April 2028**

A busy Manhattan courthouse. People buzz up and down the hallways moving from one courtroom to the next. Today is Opening Statements day for what is shaping up to be the Manhattan District Attorney's Office highest profile case of the year and the group is justifiably on edge.  
  
After years of keeping sex workers and low income women of color on edge, the NYPD had finally apprehended the infamous Fishing Line serial killer and Manhattan's District Attorney Indra Forrester personally assigned her lauded First ADA to lead the case. ADA Victor Strand and DDA Ofelia Salazar are serving second and third chair respectively. Those three together were a prosecutorial powerhouse. They were currently considered by many to be _the_ prosecution dream team in the state of New York - potentially New England, maybe even the East Coast if we're being bold - and everyone anticipated they would get the conviction. It would be yet another notorious win to add to Lexa’s already exemplary track record.  
  
The entire prosecution team loiters in front of the double doors waiting for the courtroom to open. The lawyers from both sides chat and mingle amongst each other because they're not sworn enemies just yet. Everyone except for Lexa who stands a few feet away from her colleagues calmly pacing back and forth evidently rehearsing her speech. She fidgets with the single button of her form fitting metallic grey blazer, but Lexa isn't nervous. Lexa doesn't really get anxious before trial, she simply wants to make sure she gets this particular one right. Their evidence is not as solid and the case is not as bulletproof as she would like it to be, but she refuses to let this barbarian walk. There are thirty seven women and their families counting on her to prevent that from happening. She needs to ensure that she's at the top of her game.  
_  
_ _"GW."_  
  
Lexa looks up at the sound of the nickname they had for her around the office.  
  
_"Deputy just told us the van with Cage finally got here. We should be less than five out. You ready?"_  
  
Lexa nods at Strand.  
  
_"Good. Can't wait to watch how you nail the son of a bitch."_  
  
Strand smiles at her before walking away and leaving her to it. Lexa feels her pocket vibrate and gets mildly irritated by the interruption. People know not to call her on court days and _everyone_ knew she was in court today because it was all over the papers. There was no reason that phone should be ringing. Lexa goes back to her notes. The phone continues to vibrate. It's quite distracting and Lexa hates it. She pulls her phone out to shut it off but the picture of a much younger Clarke's smiling face with the word _"Husband"_ across her forehead stare back at her.  
  
Regardless of how long it's been, Lexa still gets amused when she remembers the story of how Clarke's contact name came to be. For years, every time Lexa would talk about _"Clarke and the kids"_ around people who didn't know her well enough, they would always assume Clarke was a man. Eventually Lexa stopped correcting them, but in particular she stopped correcting any of the new hires at the office. As soon as the opportunity arose, Lexa had the best time trying to come up with the most outrageous ways to introduce them to the beautiful, chesty blonde she shares a bed with. Clarke always loved to join in and would willingly stop by and play along with whatever ridiculousness Lexa had come up with that time. She remembers when Ofelia was hired they pretended the blonde who came to visit Lexa several times that week was her mistress and that Lexa eventually got caught cheating. That was a good one. Clarke and Lexa got a good laugh out of that one. Overall they both really got a kick out of the reactions to the scenarios which got progressively more elaborate as the years went on.  
  
Lexa stares at the picture of Clarke until the call goes to voicemail and the screen goes black. It immediately starts ringing again. Clarke knows more than anyone that trial days are sacred, but particularly on a crucial day like today. This better be important.

Lexa presses the green button and the moment she does the deputy pushes the courtroom doors open and the lawyers, reporters, and victim’s families start filing in.  
  
_"Clarke, I have thirty seconds. I'm about to walk in."_

Lexa says hurriedly. _  
_ _  
_ _"I know you're busy, but something happened."_

* * *

Lexa dashes down the hospital's pediatric ward trying to find the right room. The visuals of a long limbed woman with a leather briefcase in one hand and her now wrinkled suit jacket in the other running frantically down a zoo themed hallway must have been quite the spectacle for whoever came across it but frankly, Lexa could not have cared less. She tries to read the number next to every colorful door but they all start to blur after a few seconds. Lexa simply needs to get there.  
  
301\. 303. 305. 307. 309. 311.  
  
Lexa stops when she realizes she ran right past the correct number and backtracks immediately. She opens the door to room 307 and the sight inside it knocks every bit of air clean out of her lungs.  
  
_"Oh my god."_  
  
Eight year old Jake is laying in a hospital bed hooked up with what seem like endless cables to several machines. Clarke sits on a chair she has pulled up next to him. She is startled when the door swings open but is not one bit surprised to realize that the cause for the commotion is her wife.  
  
_"Do_ **not** _freak out. He is fine."_  
  
Clarke gets ahead of her wife and tries to calm Lexa down before she works herself up to a coronary.  
  
_"Oh my god!"_  
  
Lexa drops her suit jacket and briefcase right by the door, runs to the side of the bed opposite where Clarke sits, and cups Jake's face in her hands.  
  
_"Lexa. Slow down. It looks worse than it is."_ _  
__  
__"It looks really damn bad!"_  
  
Lexa looks between Clarke and Jake's face...or what she can see of his face. He has a splint over his nose that ends up covering most of everything and on the part around what's being covered, Lexa can note the swelling and the nasty bruising starting to form.  
  
_"Momma."_  
  
Jake tries to convey his pain as briefly and as seriously as he can with the funny voice he currently has as a result of both the splint and the gauze inside his nose.  
  
_"Was it Sinclair's kid? I told Jackson to take him out of rotation weeks ago. Or was it Miller's kid?"_  
  
Lexa moves Jake's face around trying to examine it from every angle causing him to wince.  
  
_"Momma. Ow!"_ _  
__  
__"Sorry. Sorry."_  
  
Lexa lets go of his face and he casually goes back to watching the cartoons Clarke put on for him on the TV.  
  
_"It was Nana actually."_  
  
Lexa finally notices Costia with her eyes glued to her phone and a red faced Anya asleep on her lap on the weird couch in the corner of the room. Anya had clearly been crying.  
  
_"What do you mean?"_  
  
Clarke walks around the bed to stand next to Lexa.  
_  
__"The other team was batting first and she was swinging Jake's bat around while he was fielding. Once they struck out I guess Jake walked up behind her to get the bat before he was up and she didn't see him. She whacked him pretty good. She's been crying since it happened. The doctor in the ER gave me something to help her sleep because she was hysterical."_ _  
_  
Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's waist and rests her chin on her shoulder. She runs her hands up and down Lexa's soft stomach.  
  
_"How did Nana manage to fracture his nose and knock a couple of his teeth out? She can barely throw a ball two feet in front of her."_  
  
_"I don't know but I guess her being the one who hit him was the lucky part. There might be some real damage if it was anyone else."_ _  
__  
__"But there's no damage? He's okay?"_  
  
Lexa looks over her shoulder at Clarke.  
  
_"His nose is broken but they reset it and they think it should heal fine. His face is just going be swollen and bruised for a few weeks. She knocked two of his teeth out but they're his baby teeth. That shouldn't be a problem either. We're taking him to the dentist just to be sure. I already made an appointment while they were dealing with his nose. The worst thing right now is the concussion. He was a little out of it for a while and got sick to his stomach a couple times, but they say that's normal. They just want to keep him overnight for observation to be sure."_  
  
Lexa looks like Clarke just gave Jake a death sentence. Clarke can feel how tense she is. Clarke squeezes Lexa's waist and kisses her shoulder.  
  
_"Lex, seriously. Relax. He's okay. I told you you didn't have to leave court. All he wanted was to talk to you once he came out of the anesthesia so I tried to get you on the phone."_ _  
__  
__"Of course I was going to leave Clarke."_  
  
Lexa sounds almost offended.  
  
_"Did you really expect me to get through opening statements after you tell me one of the kids is in the hospital?"_ _  
__  
__"You should have after I told you it wasn't serious about thirty nine times. I knew you weren't going to and that's exactly why I didn't call until he basically begged."_  
  
Clarke continues to caress Lexa's stomach in a comforting way and kisses the space between her shoulder blades. She knows full well Lexa is still having a meltdown inside her head so Clarke tries to distract her.  
  
_"What did Judge Nia say? You know she hates you. You shouldn't give her any more reason to. Especially because of who you're up against."_ _  
__  
__"She gave us a continuance. I didn't really make it seem like she had much of a choice. I was walking out of there with or without it."_ _  
__  
__"What if you screwed up the case?"_ _  
__  
__"I didn't. Pike and his band of idiots didn't object. They know they could use all the time they can get to actually build a case. I'm not worried. I had to be here. This is more important."_  
  
Lexa bends down to kiss Jake's head.  
  
_"Ouch mom!"_  
  
Jake looks exasperated because his mom has made him hurt too many times since she got there.  
  
_"Ok. Ok. No more touching. Got it."_  
  
Reassured that he is not going to be made to suffer any more, he goes back to his cartoons.  
  
_"Can we go now? You said we would when she got here."_  
  
Costia speaks boorishly from the couch.  
  
_"Costia you seriously need to watch your tone."_  
  
Clarke turns to face Costia who looks at her defiantly. Costia wasn't turning thirteen until later this year but she clearly wasn't letting that stop her from already acting like she was a teenager. She'd gotten so moody, arrogant, and...shitty lately. Clarke and Lexa kept going back and forth about how strict they needed to be with her, but they had yet to find the right balance between how they both thought it should be approached.  
  
_"I left Ro with O at the field. I should go get her and take these two home. Do you mind staying with him?"_ _  
__  
__"Not at all. Are you sure we can't have Octavia pick the girls up and take them with her for the afternoon?"_ _  
__  
__"She's alone with the kids until Lincoln comes back from Chicago. We're lucky she took Roa to begin with. Besides_ your _daughter is adamant that she hates hospitals and 'would rather pluck her eyes out that spend another minute in one'. Those were her exact words before you walked in by the way. I wonder who she got the flare for the dramatic from?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa and cocks her eyebrow while a smile creeps on her face. Costia groans from the couch and pushes Anya less than gently from her lap as she stands up and heads for the door.  
  
_"Seriously, can we get out of here?"_  
  
A confused Anya tries to get her bearings for a second, then she remembers where she was and begins to cry again.  
  
Lexa unwraps Clarke's arms from her waist, walks up to Anya, picks her up, and holds her. Anya immediately hitches her legs around Lexa's waist. Carrying a gangly eleven year old was certainly not the easiest thing, but Lexa tried her best due to the special circumstances.  
  
_"Hey. Nana. It's okay. It was an accident."_ _  
__  
__"I...didn't...mean...to..."_  
  
Anya garbled in between sobs.  
  
_"We know bug. It just happened. We know you would never hurt anyone on purpose."_  
  
Anya holds on with a death grip to Lexa's neck and sobs onto her shirt.  
  
_"Maybe we'll keep you away from the bullpen for the remainder of the Little League games from now on though. Just to be safe."_ _  
__  
__"Mommy...was...so...scared."_  
  
Anya is crying vigorously and has trouble speaking. Clarke walks up to the little girl clinging to her wife for dear life and kisses her arm.  
  
_"I know baby. I'm sorry I scared you. You'd think that for someone who was almost a doctor I'd be better at dealing with that much blood."_  
  
Clarke kisses Anya once again and turns to Lexa.  
  
_"I'm actually glad you weren't there. I have a feeling it would've been much more dramatic if you were."_ _  
__  
__"Stop saying I'm dramatic. I'm not dramatic."_ _  
__  
__"Oh, babe. You really are."_ _  
__  
_ Clarke laughs while leaning in to kiss her. _  
__  
__"Ew. The kissing thing is so gross. Stop."_  
  
Costia says impatiently from the door.  
  
_"Should we keep kissing just to spite her?"_  
  
Clarke whispers into Lexa's lips.  
  
_"I'm afraid her eyes would get stuck in the back of her head."_  
  
Clarke laughs and pecks Lexa's lips again.  
  
_"She gets the brattiness from you."_ _  
__  
__"Not even close."_  
  
Lexa argues before leaning in to kiss Clarke again making Costia groan exasperatedly from the door.  
  
_"I'm leaving."_  
  
Costia walks out of the room and practically slams the door behind her. Clarke and Lexa chuckle.  
  
_"What did we get ourselves into?"_ Lexa asks shaking her head at the over the top exit.  
  
Clarke rubs her hands up and down the whimpering little girl in Lexa's arms while placing gentle intermittent kisses on her arm.  
  
_"I don't know."_ _  
__  
__"You should probably go after her before she decides to move across the country or something."_  
  
Lexa chuckles at the thought.  
  
_"Would that be good or bad for us?"_ _  
__  
__"We could let her get as far as Philly and see what happens."_ Lexa adds only half joking.  
  
_"Lex...we're not letting our daughter run away."_ _  
__  
__"I said we_ **could** _not that we_ **should** _. Two different things."_  
  
Clarke laughs before turning to the couch, grabbing her bag and whatever else the kids left behind on it, and swinging it over her shoulder.  
  
_"I'm taking the crying and the grumpy one to pick up the hyperactive one and try not to lose my mind in the process. You stay with the injured one and try not to spoil him too much. Sound like a plan?"_  
  
Clarke takes Anya from Lexa's arms and the little girl clings to her instead.  
  
_"Sure does."_  
  
Lexa smiles at Clarke as she walks towards the bed to kiss Jake.  
  
_"Go easy on her."_  
  
Clarke fake whispers to her son.  
  
_"I'm the one who's hurt."_  
  
Jake doesn't take his eyes off the TV.  
  
_"And I'm pretty sure she's suffering more than you because you at least have a morphine drip so don't take advantage of it. She can never say no to you."_  
  
Clarke continues to talk into his ear knowing full well Lexa can hear every word.  
  
_"Hey! That is absolutely false."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa and rolls her eyes.  
  
_"You two better behave."_  
  
Clarke walks up to Lexa and kisses her one last time before leaving.  
  
_"Promise me you won't give him everything he asks for."_ _  
__  
__"I don't do that."_ _  
__  
__"Right."_ Clarke says outwardly sarcastic. _"Can you actually promise me you won't Google things though? Don't make the nurses hate you again."_ _  
_  
Clarke tucks some stray hair behind Lexa's ear.  
  
_"It's never a bad thing to research and educate yourself."_ _  
__  
__"It is when you start pestering medical professionals because of it. A plumber has no right to argue with you about the decisions you make in the courtroom. Don't second guess the doctors. They know what they're doing."_ _  
__  
__"But..."_ _  
__  
__"But nothing. I expect you to be good."_ _  
__  
__"Sure. Fine."_  
  
That earns Lexa a quick peck as a reward.  
  
_"Ok. I have to go find your daughter."_  
  
Lexa kisses Anya's forehead.  
  
_"To the moon?"_ _  
__  
__"And back."_  
  
Anya whimpers out.  
  
Lexa always beamed when her and Anya exchanged what Anya called their _"Special Words"_. It had started when Anya was a toddler. During bedtime Lexa told her every night that she loved her to the moon and back. As time passed it naturally evolved and got shortened until it became their own little call and response.  
  
_"Love you!"_  
  
Clarke leaves the room and Lexa walks back to the bed. She takes off her shoes and sits on the chair Clarke had pulled up. Now that they're alone Jake gives Lexa his full attention.  
  
_"How’s your nose?"_ _  
__  
__"Hurts."_ _  
__  
__"It looks like it."_  
  
Lexa pulled out her phone.  
  
_"Mom told you not to use Google."_ _  
__  
__"Your mom isn't here, is she? Are you going to tell on me?"_  
  
Lexa turns to look at Jake. He shakes his head no.  
  
_"Good job."_ _  
__  
__"Can you see if we won?"_  
  
Jake asks and Lexa fires off a text to Jackson to check in on the score.  
  
_"I think you might be out of commission for a while."_ _  
__  
__"I can play!"_  
  
Jake says as solemnly concerned as he can sound with that voice he’s currently sporting. Lexa laughs.  
  
_"No. No you can't Jay. That needs to heal before we put you back on the roster."_ _  
__  
__"But the..."_ _  
__  
__"Jake. You're not playing like that. Not happening."_ _  
__  
__"Sometimes having you as my coach sucks."_ _  
__  
__"Even if I wasn't your coach, as your mom I wouldn't let you out on the field like that."_ _  
__  
_ Lexa's phone pings as she gets a text back from Jackson. _  
__  
__"We lost by 3."_  
  
Jake groans.  
  
_"See? That's why you have to let me play. I could've won."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"So we only win when you play?"_ _  
__  
__"Yes."_  
  
_"Alright there Barry Bonds. Tone it down. First of all it was just a friendly game. It won't even count for our stats. Second, it's a team effort Jay. You're a good ball player but you can't win games by yourself."_ _  
__  
__"I know I can't, but I like winning because everyone is always happy when we win. I like to make my friends happy. We also always get burgers and I like burgers."_  
  
Lexa smiles. Of course the reason he would like winning is to make others happy and to get food.  
  
_"I like burgers too. Are you hungry by the way? Maybe we could get some delivered."_  
  
Jake shakes his head no.  
  
_"Not hungry."_ _  
__  
__"Ok. Well, let me know when you are and we'll get some burgers. Alright?"_ _  
__  
__"I will. Can we get milkshakes too?"_ _  
__  
__"Only if you don't tell your mom."_ _  
__  
__"I won't."_ _  
__  
__"We'll get milkshakes then. What do you want to do? We have a full day to kill I guess. Do you want to play on my phone? I have my computer too."_ _  
__  
__"No. Tell me about how you put away the bad guys in jail. I thought about it and you're a superhero."_

Lexa laughs.

 _"I'm not a superhero Jay. I'm a lawyer."_  
  
_"Batman puts the bad guys in jail and he's a superhero. That means you're a superhero too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't have a utility belt, but when you put it like that...maybe I am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think you are."_  
  
_"You might be biased."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're superhero mom."_ _  
_  
Lexa cackles.  
  
_"That is probably the lamest and least intimidating superhero name ever. What would my super powers be? Changing diapers? Making sure people go to bed when they should?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You make people tell the truth and then you put them away so they can't hurt anyone else."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do that, don't I?"_  
  
Jake nods.  
  
_"Lukas says Uncle Linc has the coolest job, but I told him yours is better. I told my teacher I wanted to be a lawyer too. She said I had to get good grades but I told her that I didn't need to because you would show me what to do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Doesn't really work like that Jay, but if when you grow up you actually want to do it then I'll help as much as I can."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Could we be lawyers together? Like a superhero team?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We really could. It would probably be called a law firm though."_  
  
Lexa laughs at his innocence.  
  
_"We'd need a cool name for it though. What should we be called?"_  
  
Lexa loves to encourage his curiosity. He certainly has a wild one.  
  
_"Nightbloods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh...that's a little...graphic. I don't know if your mom would approve of that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Superheroes come out at night and then they kick the bad guys until they are bloody and dead on the floor. We can be Nightbloods."_  
  
Jake speaks animatedly and he punches the air several times before wincing when he overdoes it and his face stings.  
_  
_ _"Yeah, your mom really won't like it. Let's not go with that. I was thinking more along the lines of something...not violent. Your mom wouldn't get mad at me if we do that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I like Nightbloods."_  
  
Jake sounds dejected and pouts. Lexa can never say no when that combination comes out.  
  
_"How about this? We can keep it but only you and I can know it. Can't tell anyone. Especially not your mom. Just for the two of us."_  
  
_"Like a secret code!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Exactly like that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What about our costumes?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wear suits to work every day and so do most people. Probably that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No mom. That's boring!"_  
  
Lexa can't help but laugh at how disgruntled he sounded at the fact that this was her best suggestion.  
  
_"You think what I wear to work is boring?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe mom will let you wear a cape."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think your mom would let me wear a cape. I don't know how well it would go over with everyone else though. I don't think the judges would approve of that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can mom talk to them? She talked to my teacher when I had to wear my cast to school."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Trust me, your mom has threatened to call my bosses more than once. Let's not give her permission to do that. It's also not the same thing bud. I don't think the cape thing is going to work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How about...goggles? We can wear them on our heads!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's going to get uncomfortable if it's hot out. Besides what purpose would they serve at the top of our heads?"_  
  
Jake considered it and nodded in agreement.  
  
_"How about..."_  
  
The pair debated costume, weapons, and super power ideas in depth for the next couple of hours. They had just about started to narrow down some choices when Jake's stomach growled and Lexa figured it was time for lunch. She ordered burgers with milkshakes and more fries that Clarke would've ever allowed them to have. Who knew hanging out in the hospital for the day would turn out to be so fun?

* * *

A few hours after lunch, when it’s already dark outside, Jake and Lexa furiously press keys on opposite sides of her laptop.  
  
_"Get it. Get it! No. Not that one! The other one."_  
  
A request for a video call from _"Husband"_ lights up Lexa's screen.  
  
_"Pause it. Pause. Pause it! Your mom is calling."_  
  
Lexa picks up while she's still talking and Jake is trying to pause the game. Clarke's face pops up on her screen. Anya and Roa are sitting on her lap.  
  
_"Pau...you got us killed!"_  
  
Lexa jokingly reprimands him.  
  
_"I'm sorry! Tell mom to call at better times!"_  
  
He replies seriously. Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Mom, I'm sure you heard what your son’s requests are. Hey."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi!"_  
  
The girls scream on the other end when Lexa addresses them. They both start talking over each other quickly and unintelligibly.  
  
_"Ok. Hold on. Shhhhhhhhhhhh! One at a time. I go first."_  
  
Clarke says shutting them down.  
  
_"What have you two been up to today? That seemed like a lot of commotion for someone who is supposed to be resting. I'm going to remember that when he doesn't want to go to school."_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa sits on the bed so Jake can see the screen and be in frame too. The moment he sees Clarke he gets excited. _  
_ _  
_ _"Mommy! Momma and I had burgers and milkshakes and now we are superheroes and our name is Nightbloods."_  
  
Lexa scrunches her face. She's going to have to answer so many questions about that once they're back home.  
  
_"Are you now?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa and silently admonishes her.  
  
_"That is literally the opposite of a secret."_  
  
Lexa angrily mutters at Jake.  
  
_"We're going to need to revisit that name."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes Jay. Totally unacceptable name."_  
  
Lexa tries to save face.  
  
_"Oh yeah, I'm sure you had nothing to do with that one or the burgers or the ice cream."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That was all him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Right. He calls the shots, doesn't he?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Yes. I mean...ugh. We'll talk about it later."_  
  
Lexa says conceding before she digs herself into a deeper hole.  
  
_"We will."_  
  
Lexa really needs to learn how to say no to Jake because it always gets her in trouble with Clarke.  
  
_"Poor decisions from the supposed adult aside, the girls are about to go to bed and they wanted to say goodni..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you coming home soon momma?"_ Roa jumps in before Clarke is even done talking.  
  
_"We should be home tomorrow morning I think baby. Do you miss us lots? Because we miss you guys so much."_  
  
Lexa looks at Jake and he nods in agreement.  
  
_"We miss you!"_ Both of the girls scream at the same time.  
  
_"Too loud. Way too loud."_ Clarke scolds them.  
  
_"You guys are going to have to be good without us for a night. You think you can do that? Maybe I’ll come home with a surprise tomorrow if you do."_ Lexa says sweetly.  
  
_"Yes!"_ Roa screams and Clarke flinches at the volume.  
  
_"Can we come visit?"_ Anya asks still clearly bummed about the events of the day.  
  
_"You guys are in your PJs already. It's bedtime Nana. We'll be home tomorrow and we can all hang out. Maybe we can have a movie night? We just have to be careful with Jay's face."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lion King!"_ Roa screams.  
  
_"Ro, we can all hear you just fine. There's no need to scream."_

Clarke has never figured out why six year olds don't come with some sort of volume control knob. That would certainly come in handy.  
  
_"We lost our copy of that and they're all out in stores right now remember Ro?"_  
  
Lexa plays up the fake disappointment in her voice. Before Roa has a chance to - in all likelihood - scream whatever she was going to say, Clarke hears Costia walk behind her in the living room and turns.  
  
_"Hey. You want to say goodnight to mom and Jake?"_  
  
Costia walks over and pops into frame.  
  
_"Hi. Bye."_  
  
Costia smiles and walks right back out.  
  
_"We got a comedian there Clarke! She's so funny."_

Lexa's sarcasm in heavy handed.  
  
_"Get back here. Say goodnight to your brother."_  
  
Clarke pulls Costia’s hand and forces her to sit down next to her. Costia rests her head on Clarke's shoulder.  
  
_"Is he okay?"_ Costia asks genuinely concerned.  
  
_"He will be. He got sick again a little earlier..."_  
  
_"I'm sure it had nothing to do with the amount of fries and ice cream you probably let him have."_ Clarke chastises her.  
  
_"..._ **_AND_ ** _the doctors say that is normal for the concussion."_  
  
Lexa kept talking as if Clarke hadn't interrupted her.  
  
_"Momma got into a fight with one of the ladies. It was funny."_

Jake giggles as he speaks.

_"You are such a snitch today!"_

Lexa glares at him. The girls all laugh at Lexa's reaction.  
  
_"Lexa...what did I tell you?"_  
  
_"He had just gotten sick! He needed more fluids and they didn't want to give him another IV."_  
  
Clarke shakes her head.  
  
_"You're unbelievable. Alright...everyone say goodnight. It's time for bed."_  
  
A chorus of goodnights blare through Lexa's speakers. Everyone waves and blows kisses at each other.  
  
_"You two go brush your teeth. I'll be in to check and see that you actually did brush them in a minute."_  
  
Clarke says and she sends the youngest ones on the way and they run off. Her and Costia stay behind.  
  
_"Is he really going to be okay?"_ Costia inquires again.  
  
_"He is Cos. Nothing to worry about."_  
  
Lexa smiles because this is the Costia she knows. She used to be the sweetest and most protective one of the girls until the hormones turned her into a broody monster.  
  
_"It was scary. There was a lot of blood."_ Costia adds hesitantly.  
  
_"I bet, but mom tells me you took care of your sisters when they were scared too. I'm proud of you. That's what you always have to do Cos. You're the big sister and it's your job to look after them no matter what."_  
  
Costia nods.  
  
_"Say goodnight. It's bed time."_  
  
Clarke taps Costia on the knees urging her to get up.  
  
_"Night momma. Night Jake."_  
  
_"Night sissy."_

Jake waves at the camera and Costia waves back.  
  
_"Goodnight. I love you."_

Lexa smiles at her eldest.  
  
_"I love you too mom."_  
  
Costia walks out of frame and heads for her room.  
  
_"I'm sorry I couldn't bring you a change of clothes. Things got crazy with homework and baths. Are you going to be okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. It's one night. I'll be fine. Couch doesn't look too bad."_

Lexa says reassuringly. _  
_ _  
_ _"You can sleep on the bed with me momma. We can fit."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you for that offer, but it’s probably safer if I sleep over there. Wouldn't want to bump your face by accident. You can have a big boy bed all to yourself tonight."_  
  
_"I am big! I'm turning nine soon!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're right. You're so right."_

Lexa bumps her shoulder with his. _  
_ _  
_ _"I made my birthday list at school yesterday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're still three months away Jake. We're getting a little ahead of ourselves."_ Clarke jumps back in. _  
_ _  
_ _"It’s just so Santa knows what I want and has time to get it."_  
  
For some reason Jake never grasped that not all gifts were brought by Santa. He firmly believed Santa came year round whenever it involved presents. Even for birthdays.  
  
_"I bet Santa will be very interested in taking a look at that list."_

Lexa tells him excited at the possibility of spoiling him even more. _  
_ _  
_ _"_ **Santa** _will not be getting you everything on the list like last year._ **Santa** _went way overboard and Ms. Claus will make sure to keep him under control this year."_  
  
Clarke looks directly at Lexa.  
  
_"There's only two things on my list."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh yeah? That sounds simple enough. What are they?"_ Lexa asks curiously.  
  
_"A remote control car and a little brother to play it with."_  
  
Clarke loudly chokes on the tea she had been sipping on and half of it comes flying right from her mouth.  
  
_"Santa is definitely not getting you one of those things Jake. Lexa..."_

Clarke manages to get out between coughs.  
  
_"I swear I had nothing to do with that! I didn't even know there was a list."_

Lexa defends herself.  
  
_"Jake you have three sisters. You can play with them."_

Clarke still coughs but can speak better now.  
  
_"They're all girls. All my friends have brothers. I want one too."_  
  
_"Yeah you're going to have to make due without one. I somehow think you'll live."_ Clarke tells him.  
_  
_ _"Vincent has Emerson too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jacob, you're not getting a little brother. I'm sorry. You can add something else to the list if you want. Not a puppy either. Nothing that's alive and requires me eventually looking after it. Stop putting ideas in your mom's head."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But it's my birthday. I'm supposed to get what I want for my birthday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's the man's birthday Clarke..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't even look at me like that Lexa. I know that face. I've fallen for it four times before. I'm immune to it now. The answer is no."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm going to ask Santa for it anyway. He always brings me what I want."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wouldn't get my hopes up if I was you."_ Clarke adds with finality.  
  
Even with most of his face covered by the splint Clarke can tell Jake is scowling.  
  
_"You can take that pout to bed now. Time to sleep. You've had a big day and you won't have morphine to keep you happy tomorrow. You need a good night's sleep."_  
  
Lexa gets up from the bed so Jake can properly lie down.  
  
_"Ok. I'll put him down now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Bed time Lexa. I don't want him to be up until all hours."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's already_ **in** _bed. Half the battle is won."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know you. I mean it. Please make him sleep."_  
  
_"I will. I will."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mom! Ro won't give me my charger!"_  
  
Lexa can hear Anya scream in the background and Roa screams something back that she can't quite make out.  
  
_"Don't think about one more Lexa. Don't let it even cross your mind."_

Clarke tells the camera and Lexa smiles.  
  
_"Mooooom!"_ Roa screams from the bedroom again.  
  
_"Both of you have five seconds to be in bed."_

Clarke screams back then turns to the screen.  
  
_"I can actually see you thinking it Lexa and the answer is ‘absolutely not’. Get him to sleep."_  
  
Roa shrieks in the background and then there's a loud thud.  
  
_"I have to go see what the problem is before they kill each other. I love you."_ Clarke tells Lexa with a sense of urgency.  
_  
_ _"I love you too. See you soon."_  
  
Clarke hangs up. Lexa turns back to the bed only to find Jake already asleep.  
  
_"That was easier than I thought."_  
  
Lexa turns off the light, heads for the odd shaped couch in the corner of the room, and lays down. Lexa would be deceitful if she said she didn't lay there, for longer that she should've, with a dumb smile on her face thinking about the possibility of another baby as perfect as Jake joining the family. Maybe Jake was onto something. Before she was able to dwell on it too much a stray thought crossed her mind and she went back to focusing on the case. Going over the opening statement and prosecution strategies one more time couldn't hurt. As she was making mental notes on what she felt could be improved, she fell asleep.  
  
While Jake was in the process of getting discharged the next morning, doctors told Lexa that he shouldn’t do anything involving heavy physical activity or play contact sports for at least eight weeks. That kept him off the field through the end of the spring season but Lexa promised him it was nothing to worry about because they still had the fall season to look forward to. She made promises and they made plans without knowing that the previous day marked the last time Jake would ever play a game of baseball. Lexa wouldn't be the prosecutor to get the conviction for the Fish Line killer either. Matter of fact, she wouldn’t get a single other conviction for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	10. December 2030

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**December 2030**

Clarke lays in bed nursing the seven month old dopey baby. He slowly fists and unfists his hands against his head while he sleepily looks at Clarke through half-lidded eyes.  
  
_"Why do you fight with sleep? You're tired and we both know it."_  
  
She kisses his head.  
  
_"Stubborn."_  
  
Clarke looks at him and surveys his features. Aden looked nothing like Jake. In fact, it was almost like they were polar opposites. Jake had dark hair and green eyes with Lexa's sharp bone structure. Aden is blond with blue eyes and has Clarke's face chub. They knew Jake was going to look different than the girls within days, but Aden looks like all his sisters did when they were younger. Clarke couldn't yet figure out if that made it harder or easier. She wasn't sure which one was more painful. Was it having a boy that looked like Jake and was constant reminder of him? Or was it having a boy that had no resemblance to his brother which in turn was a constant reminder of the fact that she had lost Jake? Clarke hadn't made up her mind yet, but she was also trying not to think about things like these. Clarke had decided it wasn't fair to Aden to hold him to Jake's standards. They were two different people. Aden didn't deserve to live under his brother's shadow. He would be his own man and Clarke would love whatever that turned out to be.  
  
_"Christmas is in a couple weeks. Are you excited? It gets kind of crazy around here. I'm not sure if you're ready for the amount of screaming, but I think the girls have given you some solid practice."_  
  
Clarke quietly laughs and the baby blinks for longer than usual. She looks at him hoping he finally fell asleep but seconds later he opens his eyes again and tries to keep himself awake.  
  
_"So stubborn."_  
  
Clarke begins to softly sing to him in hopes that will finally lull him to sleep.

* * *

It takes Aden another half an hour before he finally succumbs to his exhaustion. Clarke brings him from her bed to the nursery and lays him down. Once she does, she looks around the room and notes how different it is. It still trips her up that another boy now sleeps in Jak...Aden’s room. This is Aden’s room. In her continuous and honest attempts at giving Aden the freedom to become his own person she's constantly forcing herself to refer to this as Aden's room instead of seeing it as Jake's room.  
  
The girls are in their final days of school before winter break and Dante decided to close the gallery for a couple weeks and go on a trip. Christmas is usually one of their busiest times, but he gave everyone a paid vacation this year resulting in Clarke being home for the day and having a few hours to kill. She's trying to figure out what part of her to-do list to tackle first when the buzzer rings. She's been expecting that.  
  
Clarke opens the door and Anya stands on the other side. She moves so Anya can step inside and points at the several suitcases, duffle bag, and the handful of boxes the corner of the living room.  
  
_"Her stuff is over there."_  
  
Anya doesn't say anything and heads for the neat pile. Anya grabs whatever she can handle in one trip and exits the apartment. She goes between the apartment and her car three more times before she is only left with a suitcase and the duffle. She throws the bag strap over her shoulder and rolls the suitcase behind her. As Anya is about to leave the apartment with the final remnants of Lexa, Clarke speaks from where she's been silently sitting on the couch.  
  
_"She...what she did...I can't forgive that Anya. I can't have her around the kids if that's where her head is at."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I get it. We all do. Lexa had it coming for a long time."_  
  
Without much more to say Anya walks out and closes the door behind her.  
  
Clarke looks around the apartment. Nothing seems any different than it did half an hour before, but it certainly feels different. As of an instant ago Lexa officially no longer lives there and the place already feels empty without her. Clarke feels empty without her. It's been a long time since Lexa was a real active member of the household and the family, but having her around was comforting. Having her there was safe and...normal. Clarke has been living and sharing a bed with Lexa since she was eighteen. Now, at thirty eight, she somehow has to teach herself how to survive without her.  
  
Clarke scans the apartment and sees bits of Lexa everywhere. She remembers who banged their head on that corner before Lexa ran to comfort them. She remembers what Lexa was eating when she left that particular stain on the couch. She remembers what Lexa's hitched breaths sound like as she pants while they have sex against that wall. Lexa is everywhere, but Lexa isn't really here anymore.  
  
Clarke had a long list of things she wanted to get done while the baby slept, but instead she curls up on the couch and cries. Aden sleeps for longer than she expected giving her an excuse to stay like that, sobbing with her knees pulled to her chest, until it's time to pick the girls up from school.

* * *

It's a frigid winter in New York this year. There's currently about four inches of snow on the ground and more is tempestuously falling. Anyone rational has been actively avoiding being outside. No one would willingly do anything in this weather if they can somehow elude it. Then there's Lexa.  
  
Lexa shivers against the frozen tree across from Costia's grave the same way she has done every single day for the past week and a half. She pulls her scarf further up her face to block the wild wind from additionally destroying her already chapped lips. She pulls her jacket tighter before she slides her gloved hands into her armpits hoping that will somehow do the trick and warm her up. Needless to say, Lexa is sitting on the ground quite literally freezing...but she is not ready to leave this place so she deals with it.  
  
_"I don't want to lose her. I can't."_  
  
Lexa stares at the headstone as if waiting for written instructions to pop up.  
  
_"You're not being of much use lately."_  
  
Lexa sits in silence thinking for another long while before she speaks again.  
  
_"I don't know what to do. I need your help."_  
  
Lexa shivers violently against the tree. She's too cold and she's getting pissy because of it.  
  
_"What fucking good are you if you're not going to help me fix this?"_  
  
It's irrational to get mad at what Lexa knows is nothing but a piece of marble, but she has to be angry at someone so she's picking the dead. She stands up and clomps away in a fit.  
  
_"Fuck this."_  
  
Lexa grumbles as she walks from the grave.

* * *

Over an hour later Lexa walks into Anya's apartment. The laughs coming from the kitchen let her know that they have company. Lexa can tell it's the same person who has been here every waking moment since days before Lexa came to stay. Lexa frankly wishes she would take a hint and leave to give her some alone time with her sister. Lexa needs that more than anything.  
  
Lexa stands by the door seriously considering heading out again when they walk out of the kitchen with their arms wrapped around each other as they laugh and kiss playfully.  
  
_"Oh...I didn't hear you come in."_  
  
Anya says surprised to find her sister standing there. Lexa says nothing.  
  
_"I put all your crap in the room."_  
  
Lexa nods. She hates this because she doesn't know how to act around Anya when Raven is also there. Raven is Clarke's best friend and she's now Anya's...something...and Lexa doesn't know what she can or should say around them. The last thing she wants is anything about her current shitty life getting back to Clarke. Anya _really_ had to pick this moment to finally admit that she had feelings for Raven??? Talk about lousy timing.  
  
The three of them stand in unpleasant silence.  
  
_"Ok...this isn't uncomfortable at all."_  
  
Raven adds sarcastically as she unwraps Anya's hands from her waist and puts space between them.  
  
_"I'm going to run and get that beer."_  
  
Anya kisses Raven before she walks to the hanger to grab her coat, scarf, and gloves and readies herself to brave the cold. Lexa turns to Anya silently pleading not to leave her alone with Raven. She hasn't been alone around any of their friends since everything fell apart. Lexa and Anya have a wordless conversation standing by the door before Anya grabs her keys and heads out. Raven stands by the kitchen entrance watching the whole thing unfold.  
  
Once they're alone Lexa finally takes her winter gear off before hanging it and quickly scurries to the guest bedroom closing the door behind her.

* * *

Lexa stands looking at the suitcases and boxes taking up most of the room. It really doesn't look like much. Lexa can't seem to comprehend how her life can be packed up into those boxes because...  
  
The door to the bedroom opens explosively. When it swings all the way, it loudly makes contact with the wall behind it. The sound startles Lexa. She turns around to find Raven hovering at the door. Raven really can be excessive when she wants to be. It's no mystery why Costia loves her so much.  
  
_"What did I tell you when you started dating her?"_  
  
Lexa rolls her eyes and turns back to the stack of her belongings. She starts to dig through boxes trying figure out what's in each of them.  
  
_"What did I tell you Lexa?"_ Raven asks resolutely. _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not twenty anymore Raven. I'm not scared of you."_ Lexa responds defiantly. _  
_ _  
_ _"I told you that if you ever hurt her you'd have to deal with me, didn't I?"_  
  
Lexa keeps rummaging through boxes.  
  
_"I told you that I'd make your life miserable if you did anything to make my best friend cry. I've watched you make her cry for two years straight at this point and regardless of how many times I've come seconds from punching you dead in the center of the throat, I haven't done anything about it because Clarke kept repeating all you needed was time. That we should give you that time. Here we are."_  
  
Raven makes a point of signaling her surroundings.  
  
_"This is what time got you. You're sleeping in your sister's spare bedroom with all your shit packed in boxes."_  
  
Lexa keeps looking through her things. Raven walks into the room, pulls out the chair from the corner desk, slams it loudly on the floor, and spins it so that it’s facing towards Lexa.  
  
_"Sit..."_  
  
Raven waits for Lexa to acknowledge her. Lexa doesn't.  
  
_"...or I'm going to make you sit."_  
  
Lexa rolls her eyes, puts down what she was holding, and turns to look at Raven who is pointing at the empty chair.  
  
_"Lexa, I'm not your sister and I'm definitely not Clarke. I'm not going to dance around your shit or treat you with kid gloves. I have no reason to. If it was up to me I'd pick the hardest thing in this apartment and hit you over the head with it a few times, but instead of doing that or making your life hell I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do and you better listen because you only have one more shot to fix this."_  
  
Lexa says nothing.  
  
_"Sit the fuck down.”_

Raven loses her self-restraint.  

 _“You and I are going to talk and by talk I mean you're going to sit on this chair in absolute silence and listen to every word I have to say."_  
  
Lexa sighs but walks over to the chair and sits anyway. That sounds like the easiest thing to do at this point. Once she does, Raven paces around her. She stands over Lexa and reaches into her back pocket pulling out several folded pieces of paper. She holds them out to Lexa. Lexa is hesitant about taking them at first but Raven forcefully pushes them closer to her face and she finally does.  
  
_"That's five different grief groups all over New York. Most of them are specifically for parents who have lost a kid. Pick one, anyone you want, then go to it. When you're there don't just sit in the back and do the sulking Lexa thing. Talk to people. Share. Ask them how they've managed to be functioning adults after whatever happened happened. Beg them to tell you how they did it if you need to."_  
  
Lexa looks through the pages.  
  
_"That's step one."_  
  
Raven takes another piece of paper from the opposite back pocket.  
  
_"The internet tells me that's the best therapist in New York who specializes in grief. I was very annoying on the phone and even though she's booked solid for months I got them to give you an hour in January. You have_ **one** _hour. You're not going to do what you did when Clarke dragged you to one of her sessions. You're not going to storm out halfway through. You're going to show up, you're going to sit for the_ **entire** _hour, and you're going to talk to her. You're going to convince Dr. Tsing that she needs to take you as a patient. Once she does, you're going to go to your therapy however often she tells you you need to and you're going to stop being whatever fucked up version of you you've turned into since Jake died. She's expensive. I don't care what you have to do to pay for any of this. That's step two."_  
  
Lexa looks up from the papers in her hand and up at Raven.  
  
_"Step three is you owning up to your shit. It's realizing that it fucking sucks that Jake died but that you can’t dwell on it forever. We all miss him. You don't have a monopoly on his loss Lexa. Somehow we've all managed to get past it as best we can except for you and it's about damn time you catch up. You're going to do it because I refuse to watch my best friend and my nieces cry one more time because of you. You're going to go to your groups and you're going to go to your therapy and when you're better you're going to beg - and I mean_ **plead** _\- at your wife's feet that she takes you back. You have two years to make up for. If I were you, I’d start thinking because you might need to get creative with it. You have to prove that you're getting better before she even_ **considers** _taking you back. You have to prove to all of us that you're improving  before we tell her it's a good idea to let you back into that house. You don't only have to convince Clarke, you have to convince everyone who will beat your ass at any corner we bump into you if you don't get your shit together this time. Clarke was too patient with you. She coddled you and let you get away with too much for you too long. She's done and so are we."_  
  
Lexa looks at her lap and says nothing.  
  
_"Are we clear?"_  
  
Lexa doesn't speak.  
  
_"I need an answer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're clear."_  
  
Lexa spits through gritted teeth.  
  
_"I'm not doing this for you Lexa so shove the attitude up your ass. You don't deserve this. Not after the shit you've pulled. But I know that for some fucking reason she still loves you. I know that Clarke is not Clarke if she isn't with you and I know that no matter how much of a selfish sack you've been, those girls adore you because you're their mom after all. They need you. We're all hoping you can still pry your head out of your rectum but not because we're rooting for you. You've alienated and pissed off everyone who cares about you. No one is on your side anymore because that's how bad you've fucked this up, but we also know none of them is better off with you gone. Don't for a second think this is about you. It's about them."_  
  
Raven makes to leave because she's said what she needed to say, but she doubles back before exiting the room.  
  
_"And Lexa...if you don't take this as seriously as you should and you hurt them again I won't be this pleasant about it next time. I can promise you that."_  
  
Raven steps out. Lexa shuffles the crumpled papers in her hands. She gets up, walks to the door, and shuts it.

* * *

Lexa has gone to four different meetings this week. She felt out of place in all of them. Most parents who were at those meetings lost babies to SIDS or toddlers to cancer. Lexa didn't feel like she could connect to any of these people. The things they were saying felt foreign to her. Parents with babies couldn't understand. They never had what she had with Jake because they barely had time together and the parent who lost their kids to diseases had their chance to say goodbye. They could've have prepared for it. They saw it coming. Jake was alive one moment and dead the next. They couldn't possibly comprehend how that feels. Lexa went to each meeting and walked out without saying anything. There was nothing any of these people could teach her.  
  
Lexa was currently staring out the window as the sun set while riding on a train heading an hour and forty five minutes upstate. She was on her way to the last of the five places from the list Raven had forced on her. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do if this didn't work out.

* * *

Lexa could've taken a bus from the train station to the stop that was a block away from the meeting, but she decided to do the half an hour walk in single digit weather instead.  
  
Lexa, still panting, sprints into the church basement with only a couple of minutes to spare before it starts. The website she pulled up to find out the meeting schedule was explicit in how strict they were about time.

_"Late comers will not be allowed in order to not disrupt the conversation."_

Those words kept echoing in Lexa's mind. When she was still ways away from the address, she realized she wasn’t going to make it if she didn't pick up the pace. She did, yet somehow that wasn’t fast enough and she found herself having to run the last two blocks. No way was she going to miss this after she'd come all the way here. Running down sidewalks that haven’t been shoveled in the dead of winter probably wasn’t the best idea. There was bound to be slippery ice somewhere and the bruise she can feel forming on her coccyx confirms the bus would’ve been the less painful alternative.  
  
Lexa runs into the room at the end of the hallway and looks around at the less than two dozen people there. Everyone turns to look at her. She smiles with unease as she finds an empty spot in the circle. She already feels out of place with these people too. They're all suburban housewives. She can tell. These women have picket fences and trimmed lawns and good lives. This is going to be the same thing as every other group and Lexa begins to worry that she may actually fail at this before even making it past Raven's first step.  
  
The brunette woman who had been greeting everyone by the door starts to close it.  
  
_"Alright guys. It seems like..."_  
  
In that instant a tall, bulky man with long hair, long beard, and pretty intimidating face tattoos squeezes in through the small gap that was still left between the door and the jamb. He's panting worse than Lexa was when she walked in. At least she didn't have the most memorable entrance of the night. The first thing she notes about him is that he also doesn’t seem like he belonged with this crowd. That was somewhat comforting to her.  
  
_"Guess we still had one more."_  
  
The woman says with that fake suburban chipper voice and plastic smile that Lexa hates with a steadfast passion.  
  
_"For the newcomers…”_

The woman makes a point of looking at Lexa and the man.

 _“I'm Trina and this is our Friday evening meeting of BPUSA. We, as bereaved parents, help grieving parents and families rebuild their lives following the death of a child. This is our safe space and we're here to keep each other up when we feel like falling down."_  
  
Lexa hated every new word that came out of her mouth more than the previous one. It was an impressive talent.

Within seconds, Lexa finds herself diligently trying to convince her brain that walking out was a terrible idea. She then accidentally makes eye contact with the bearded man. Lexa can tell he's thinking the exact same thing she was. He subtly nods at her with a small smile and she nods back at him. At least they're not going to suffer through this alone.

* * *

The next forty five minutes were truly physically painful for Lexa. She couldn't believe she had to sit through this, but especially that she had to listen to a woman go on and on about losing a two day old baby when she had to watch her eight year old die a month shy of his ninth birthday. That woman had no idea what real loss was. She couldn't even imagine.  
  
_"Ok guys. I think we have time for one more. Anyone else wants to share?"_  
  
Trina looks around the circle waiting for someone to offer. The bearded man and Lexa look at each other and they then scan the room. Everyone but the two of them has already talked. They are well aware that one of them is going to have to volunteer to fill the last fifteen minutes or any of the annoying women might believe she can start yaking again. Lexa looks pretty set on not speaking so he shrugs, loudly clears his throat, and speaks.  
  
_"I'm Gustus."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi Gustus."_  
  
The crowd replies in unison and Lexa looks away. The last thing she would've wanted if she was sharing was more eyes on her. She looks at her boots as he continues.  
  
_"Uhm...my daughter Charlotte was kidnapped and murdered when she was twelve."_  
  
Gustus doesn't beat around the bush or sugar coat it. Lexa's eyes shoot up.  
  
_"She was on her way back from hanging out with some friends. She texted me before she left her friend's house and told me she was on her way home. It was a ten minute walk down the road. She never made it."_  
  
Lexa scans his face attentively. She listens to every word.  
  
_"That was five years ago and ever since then I've basically lost everything. I lost my job, I lost my marriage, I lost my house, I lost my friends. I was consumed by the hole she left. I didn't realize I was only making it deeper by pushing everyone away. She was my only kid. She was the reason I woke up every morning. When she was gone I felt I didn't have anything anymore and I stopped. I didn't get up for weeks. I didn't talk. I didn't shower. I didn't shave. I've actually had this thing since then."_  
  
Gustus strokes his beard.  
  
_"The last time I shaved was the morning she died. I don't...I'm not sure she would like the person I've become."_  
  
He pauses and thinks about his next words.  
_  
_ _"She would be disappointed if she saw who I am today. I didn't realize this until recently. That's when I decided something needed to give. At least for her. I can't unbreak a lot of what I've destroyed in the last five years, but I can at least try to mend me. That way when I go to bed every night I can tell myself she knows I'm trying. And...that's it. That's all I got."_  
  
Gustus says looking around the room. People begin to clap.  
  
_"Thank you Gustus. That was beautiful."_  
  
Trina adds as she looks at her watch.  
  
_"I think we could squeeze in one more."_  
  
Trina looks around the room and noticeably lingers on Lexa for longer than she should've. Lexa avoids Trina's eyes immediately. She really doesn't want to do this...but Raven told her to talk and for the first time there may be someone who actually understands her. No one knows who she is. If this goes wrong she doesn't need to come back if she doesn't want to. What's the worst that could happen?  
  
_"I'm Lexa."_

That sort of just spilled out of her mouth.  _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi Lexa."_  
  
The crowd replies as a chorus.  
  
_"Uhm..."_  
  
Lexa pauses. She's had to speak in courtrooms chockful of people. She’s had to cross examine guys in front of news cameras and reporters who can and will dissect her every word for an entire city to judge, yet somehow this is the hardest public speaking gig she might have come across.  
_  
_ _"His name was Jake. It was exactly two months before his ninth birthday. He got kil...murd...he got shot by people who were trying to hurt me."_  
  
There are muffled gasps around the room.  
  
_"It's been two and a half years and it's all...everyone said it would be easier. It's not. Hasn't gotten any easier. There's still this..."_  
  
Lexa struggles to find the words.  
  
_"I miss him. And it's so hard to walk down the street because I see boys that could be him everywhere. I see them playing and running and talking and laughing and I'm reminded that Jake can't do any of those things anymore. That he never will again and then I...I resent those boys. For a second I truly hate them because what makes them more worthy than Jake to get to have that? Why do they get to live when Jake didn't? I find myself hating kids that had nothing to do with this and then I hate myself for it. They said it would be easier but they lied. They lied."_  
  
Lexa slumps back in her chair making it clear that she's done talking.  
  
_"Thank you so much for that Lexa. It was very brave."_  
  
Trina says as the group applauds. Lexa sets her jaw and clenches it. She's not going to cry in front of strangers. No fucking way.  
  
_"I think that's about all the time we have for today. Thank you all for com..."_  
  
Before Trina can finish talking Lexa bolts up and heads for the exit. She can't be in there any more. In one fell swoop she yanks her stuff from the hanger she'd put it on and pushes the door. She darts down the hallway, up the stairs to the main floor of the church, and heads out to the cold before she's even had a chance to put anything on. The biting temperature immediately hits her bones.  
  
_"Fuck."_  
  
Lexa mutters the moment she steps from the warmth to the gelid winter night. She struggles to put the jacket on as she walks. The sleeves are inside out and she just can't seem to figure it out. She starts to shake intensely.  
  
_"Goddamn it."_  
  
Lexa stops moving to sort it out and from half a block away she sees and hears everyone start to pour out of the church. She manages to figure out the sleeves on her coat and finally slips it on. The new layer shielding her from the draught feels incredible. Lexa is putting her gloves on when she sees Gustus exit the brick building as he's zipping his parka up. Lexa wants to walk away. She genuinely does, but maybe he gets it. It sounds like he could. He's the closest thing she has come to finding someone to relate to. He's also hurriedly heading in the opposite direction from where she stands. She has seconds to make up her mind before he reaches his car and she potentially never sees him again. Thoughts fire briskly inside her head. She finally decides what she wants to do.

Lexa speed walks in his direction and she feels like a salmon swimming upstream. She’s doing her best to avoid the people trying to make their way down the sidewalk and towards warmth just as fast as she is. It was almost an obstacle course. She doesn't even apologize to the couple of women she bumps in the process. She needs to get to him before he drives away and she can already see him getting in his car. She jogs faster. She's thankful it takes him a second to start the car because it gives her a chance to catch up.  
  
Lexa’s forceful knock on his window reverberates making his head snap up to look at her. He leans over to pull down the manual crank of his old car and the window parts slightly.  
  
_"Do you want to have a drink?"_  
  
Lexa skips the formalities and goes right to the point.  
  
_"Right now?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I saw a bar a couple of blocks down as I was walking here. It looked shitty, but I bet it has liquor. That's all we need."_  
  
Lexa shivers outside his window and Gustus notices. He pops the door open.  
  
_"A drink sounds good."_  
  
Lexa jumps in the car craving the warmth it might offer. Gustus hits the gas and they move.  
  
_"By the way, just to be clear, this is not me hitting on you. I'm very gay. I have a wife and everything."_  
  
Gustus bellows a laugh.  
  
_"Didn't think you were."_  
  
They both sit in silence for a few seconds as he drives until he pulls down his sunshade and a picture falls out. He hands it to Lexa.  
  
_"That's my ex."_ _  
_

The picture is of Gustus and another tall and brawny man hugging a little girl she can only assume it's Charlotte.

 _"Oh..."_  
  
Lexa looks at him slightly embarrassed. Gustus laughs at her reaction. Lexa hands back the picture.  
  
_"I have a feeling I'm going to like you."_  
  
Gustus adds as he puts the picture back where it belonged and fixes his eyes on the dark road.

* * *

Clarke holds Aden in one arm and places a bowl of instant oatmeal in front of Roa with her free hand.  
  
_"That looks yucky mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's what's for breakfast today. Take it or leave it."_  
  
There's bags under Clarke eyes, only about two thirds of her hair is inside the bun she's sporting at the top of her head, and there's several mystery stains on her shirt. In short, Clarke is a mess. A more than slightly flustered mess.  
  
Aden didn't really sleep much - meaning at all - the night before which is when she was planning on doing all the gift wrapping she needed to do. Now it's Christmas Eve and she only has the one night and one pair of hands to make a Christmas miracle happen.  
  
Not only has she not wrapped any of the gifts, she's also missing gifts. Roa's is at the top of the list. Nine year old Roa has been talking about a Magic Mia doll for months. Magazines and news stations are calling it the hottest toy of the year. It's supposedly what every little girl in the universe wants and the only thing on Roa's list. It also happens to have been sold out at every store Clarke, Raven, Octavia, Anya, Abby, and Marcus went to in the past few weeks and it's on backorder online. Clarke really doesn't want to disappoint Roa, but she doesn't know what else to do at this point. It's not like she can go out looking for it today. It's Christmas Eve. Everyone is busy. There's no one she could leave the kids with and she can't exactly take them Christmas shopping with her.  
  
Fifteen year old Costia and thirteen year old Anya walk into the dining room at the same time. More specifically, Costia rides on Anya's back into the dining room. Costia has her arms tightly wrapped around Anya's neck and her legs wound up around her waist. Costia is notably taller and heavier than Anya. There's no way this isn't testing the limits of the younger girl's strength to the very edge.  
  
_"Right. If we could avoid a trip to the ER today that would be_ **fantastic** _. Get off your sister and sit."_  
  
Clarke speaks as she buzzes between the dining room and the kitchen. Costia dismounts her sister's back and they both giggle. Clarke goes back into the kitchen while the girls pull out their chairs and somehow emerges with two bowls in one hand while still holding the baby. She places the bowls in front of them. Costia and Anya look inside the bowls then at each other. They're obviously not fans of this.  
_  
_ _"What is_ **that** _?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"_ **That** _is oatmeal. It's the easiest thing I found and it's breakfast."_  
  
Clarke walks back into the kitchen. Costia pokes at the oatmeal with her spoon and it jiggles. She scrunches her face.  
  
_"Can we have eggs?"_ Costia asks.  
  
Clarke walks out of the kitchen doing another juggling trick as she holds glasses and a carton of juice in the same hand while somehow not dropping either those nor the baby.  
  
_"No, because we're out of eggs. Why can't_ **we** _just have what's already made?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because that looks like something Aden threw up."_ Anya replies.  
  
Clarke stares daggers at her.  
_  
_ _"I'm not a maid and this isn't a hotel. That is what’s for breakfast. If you don't like it you can make your own or you can starve."_  
  
Anya and Costia look at each other and simultaneously stand up. They head for the kitchen together. Clarke goes after them and so does Roa. When Clarke walks into the kitchen the girls are staring into the fridge.  
  
_"Whatever mess you make in here..."_  
  
The doorbell rings interrupting Clarke.  
  
_"Whatever mess you make, you're cleaning up."_  
  
Clarke leaves the kitchen and heads for the front door while she hears the girls debating what to make from the few mismatched things that are left in the fridge which, to be honest, isn’t much. There's too many things going on and Clarke keeps forgetting or simply not having the time to go grocery shopping. Lately she's been overwhelmed to say the least. Clarke opens the door. A sheepish Lexa stands on the other side.  
  
_"You shouldn't be here."_  
  
Clarke’s snappy reaction is to speak low and dryly. She looks behind her to make sure the girls are keeping themselves busy in the kitchen. She steps out onto the hallway forcing Lexa to move back. Clarke closes the door and brings her hand up to support Aden's head while she rocks him.  
  
_"I know. I'm respecting your wishes Clarke. I'm leaving. I just...I was walking down...they...after my meeting..."_  
  
Lexa stumbles on her words. She really doesn’t know where to go with this. She stops and restarts her sentences several times not even knowing what to say. Lexa settles for extending her arm towards Clarke offering the bag she was holding. Clarke doesn’t move to accept it.  
  
_"I stood in line for five_ _hours"._  
  
Clarke takes the bag in her hands and looks at Lexa without saying anything.

_“I'm not here to upset you. I just came to drop that off."_

Clarke finally looks inside the bag. It's the Magic Mia doll.  
  
_"I heard no one could find it but I wanted her to have it tomorrow.”_  
  
Lexa walks away. She stops halfway down the hall and only turns her torso towards Clarke.  
  
_"I went to a group last week. Took the train all the way out to Poughkeepsie for it. It's a thing for grieving parents. They meet every Friday."_  
  
Lexa pauses.  
  
_"I'm trying Clarke."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and looks at the baby drooling on her hand as he blows raspberries.  
  
_"You have to do this for yourself first Lexa. The rest...we'll see."_  
  
Lexa nods and turns to continue walking towards the elevator. Once she gets there she presses the button and waits. Clarke doesn’t move. She stands in silence and takes Lexa in with an overpriced doll in one hand and a baby in the other. They hadn’t seen each other in about three weeks now. They haven’t spoken. They haven’t communicated in any way. Last time she saw or talked to Lexa was in this same hallway. Somehow she looks different now. Clarke can’t quite figure it out, but something has changed. She could ask, but she wouldn’t know how to.

They could assign many adjectives to describe what their relationship became over the past couple years, but it's never been awkward between the two of them before. Not once. Not ever. Not until now. This would definitely count as awkward and tense in Lexa's book.  
  
Lexa and Gustus have touched base every day for the past few days. They're helping each other make sense of what losing a child violently and unexpectedly does to someone. Lexa doesn't like depending on people, but it's certainly nice to have someone to talk to about things you feel you can't with anyone else. He understands a lot of what Lexa says and especially what something like this does to a marriage. His fell apart pretty quickly after Charlotte died. His ex-husband didn't know how to deal with Gustus after he shut down. He never actually tried. The day it got too rought he simply packed his bags and never looked back. Gustus has praised Clarke more than once for sticking around this long. Lexa knew he was right. Clarke had been the most patient and caring partner for years and Lexa took it mostly for granted. She thought Clarke would always be there no matter what. Suddenly Clarke wasn't anymore and Lexa didn't know how to navigate daily life without her. Lexa didn’t know how to navigate _herself_ without her. Maybe that’s why this was awkward.  
  
Lexa has never been impulsive. She's usually the opposite of that. She's calculating and measured. She doesn't do things on a whim. She doesn’t let her emotions get the best of her. Except that now, she was doing exactly that. She couldn't say what came over her, but her feet move and she's heading towards Clarke. Within less than a handful of seconds her palms are on either side of Clarke's face and she's leaning down propelling their lips together.  
  
The kiss is loaded. With so many things. There's regret. There's pain. There's sadness. There's the heaviness of the past. There's today. There's the unwavering hope for a future. But above all there's the insane and indefinable kind of love they have for each other. The one that goes beyond colossal mistakes, untold tears, and wasted time. That kiss is so fucking loaded. It's needy. It's raw. It's ardent. It's also over before it even started. It lasts no more than it takes the elevator to get to their floor. It ends before it even properly begins. It ends before either of them want it to.  
  
Lexa looks into Clarke's eyes and Clarke nods. There isn't really much more to say right now.  
  
_"I'm working on it."_ Lexa whispers against Clarke's lips.  
  
Clarke is doing her best to hold back her tears. Lexa kisses the baby's head and caresses it before quickly turning to walk away. She walks towards the now open elevator, but before she steps in she turns to look at Clarke.  
  
_"Merry Christmas Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Merry Christmas Lexa."_

* * *

Christmas 2030 was the first time Lexa spent Christmas away from the kids, but the thing that hurt Clarke and Lexa the most was that it was the first time in the twenty one years since they've known each other that the two of them spent Christmas apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	11. December 2009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**December 2009**

Eighteen year old Clarke blinks awake face down on a velvety mattress. She wets her dry lips and her hand instinctively comes up to dry the damp pool of saliva at the corner of her mouth. She turns on her back and looks around the room. She's disoriented at first then the clues around her remind her where she is.

The almost annoying neatness, the endless books methodically organized on the shelves, the carefully displayed vinyls and the record player, the perfectly aligned photos and artwork on the walls, the black and white wallpaper, the monochromaticness and minimalism of it all. This was unmistakably Lexa Woods' room.  
  
Clarke throws her head back onto the pillow and beams remembering the previous night. Recalling how Lexa's lips, hands, and skin had finally been all over every inch of her body. How after months of wanting...needing that and needing Lexa, it actually happened. Realizing how it was better than she could have ever expected.  
  
The only thing Clarke hated about what happened last night is that she woke up alone. She’s on a mission to remedy that though. She hops off the mattress and tries to locate her underwear in the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed. She manages to find her thong, but she can't find her bra or her shirt. She vaguely recalls those being discarded somewhere outside. She looks around and spots Lexa's leather jacket hanging on a hook behind the door. She grabs it and throws it on before exiting the bedroom.

* * *

Clarke finds twenty year old Lexa sitting on the couch with her legs crossed as she scribbles on the notebook resting on her lap while holding a book with her forearm. She's wearing sweatpants, a hoodie about twenty sizes too big for her tiny frame, and glasses. Her hair is held back by the intricate braid that falls over her shoulder. Clarke looks at her and feels her heart expanding tenfold. This is before she even notices how her missing bra, shirt, scarf, gloves, and coat are all tidily folded on one of the chairs and that her shoes were carefully placed next to them. She can't help but smile at the undeniable care that went into doing that.  
  
_"You're cute when you concentrate."_  
  
Lexa looks up at the husky sound of Clarke's voice splintering the silence she had grown accustomed to. The sight that she comes across causes the book slide off her arm. Lexa fumbles and tries to catch it, but it hopelessly falls on the floor with a loud clunk.  
  
Lexa follows the book with her eyes on it's way down then swiftly looks up from the floor and back at the girl who was the catalyst for all of this. Clarke is resting her shoulder against the living room entrance wearing nothing but the tiniest of undergarments and Lexa's unzipped leather jacket while sporting what could only be described as sex hair. Lexa's eyes gape as wide as they physically go and she instantly looks away feeling like she got caught staring. Clarke chuckles at her reaction.  
  
_"You can look at me, you know?"_  
  
While Lexa tries to pick which one of the million thoughts dashing through her brain is appropriate to say, Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"You did more than look last night."_  
  
Clarke's tone can't be described as anything but flirtatious and the inflection of her words make Lexa's face turn a deep shade of red.  
  
_"I..."_  
  
Lexa's trying to sort her brain out.  
  
_"I made breakfast."_  
  
It's the first thing she thinks of. Without looking directly at Clarke and her distracting nudity, Lexa points to the opposite end of the apartment. Clarke notices the spread on the kitchen table.  
  
_"You made breakfast?"_  
  
Clarke sounds marveled at the thought of Lexa going through the trouble of making what seemed like an overkill of food sitting on the table.  
  
_"Was I...was I not supposed to? Oh...maybe you didn't want to stay for breakfast and I...you don't have..."_  
  
It felt almost impossible for Lexa to be able to blush any further but her cheeks manage to burn even darker. Clarke walks over to where Lexa is sitting, plops down on her lap not minding the paper and metal between them, and leans in to kiss Lexa in an obvious attempt to stop her from talking.  
  
_"Breakfast is perfect."_ Clarke's voice is low but sweet. Lexa looks at her but can't figure out what would be the appropriate thing to say. Clarke fills the silence when Lexa doesn't.  _"Last night was perfect."_  Lexa tries to speak but nothing comes out.  _"You're also cute when you're flustered. You're cute a lot of the time."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa again. When Clarke backs away Lexa looks like she's intoxicated. Lexa didn’t think it was possible to get addicted to another human being, but Clarke may be starting to put that assertion to the test.  
  
_"Can we...you're sitting on my epistemology notes."_  
  
Clarke lifts her butt from Lexa's lap just high enough that she can take the notebook out. She closes it and throws it on the coffee table behind them then turns back to Lexa.  
  
_"It's winter break. Why are you studying?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's one of the courses I'm taking next semester. I got my hands on the syllabus from last semester. I'm trying to get ahead."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're doing the reading for a class you haven't even started taking yet?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah..."_  
  
Lexa grows self-conscious and Clarke shakes her head.  
  
_"No more studying today."_  
  
Clarke rearranges her body so that her knees are on either side of Lexa’s thighs. Clarke confidently straddles Lexa and hooks her arms around her neck. In the new position the front of the leather jacket opens even further. Clarke's naked breasts are inches away from Lexa's face, from her lips. Lexa most definitely remembers how they feel in her mouth. Lexa catches her mind wandering and immediately looks away. She takes a deep, centering breath and locks her eyeline on Clarke's face.  
  
_"Why are you being weird?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not being weird."_  
  
Lexa instantly retorts defensively and in a higher pitch than she would've wanted.  
  
_"You can't even look at my boobs."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I just...I don't really do...this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Have hot girls sitting on your lap?"_  
  
Clarke grinds against Lexa and another wave of pinkness hits her face.  
  
_"I...I haven't been with someone in a long time and I..."_ Clarke looks at Lexa adoringly waiting for her to finish her sentence.  _"I'm trying to be respectful."_  
  
Lexa scans Clarke's eyes hoping she understands. Clarke genuinely wonders how Lexa can be real.  
  
_"Didn't seem like it last night."_ Lexa's face and ears literally burn. She can't imagine how flush they must be. The thought of it make her blush even harder.  _"Last night was interesting."_  
  
Clarke adds with a devilish smile before leaning down to press a kiss on Lexa's pulse point.  
  
_"You're...bossy."_  
  
Lexa manages to get out as coherently as possible.  
  
_"That's all you have to say about it?"_  
  
Clarke cocks her eyebrow.  
  
_"No. You're incredibly sexy too, but mostly just really bossy in bed."_  
  
Lexa adds with the most boldness she's shown all morning.  
  
_"You think I'm sexy?"_  
  
Clarke kisses whatever part of Lexa's neck the hoodie isn't covering. Lexa let's out a low moan before willing herself to speak.  
  
_"Clarke..."_  
  
Clarke moves up from Lexa's neck to look at her.  
  
_"I really like you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I like you too."_  
  
Clarke adds nonchalantly.  
  
_"No...I mean...I like you and I...I don't know how to do_ **this** _.”_ Lexa uses her index finger to signal between them.  _“I'm bad at...people."_

Clarke kisses her softly and reassuringly.  
_  
_ _"Lexa, I_ **like** _you. I've been wanting last night to happen since we almost burned this place down."_  
  
Clarke snickers remembering the senseless series of events that lead to their explosive meeting two months ago.  
  
_"You certainly know how to make an entrance."_  
  
Lexa jokes and Clarke nods.  
  
_"We can figure it out. However fast or slow you want. We don't have to label anything right now. But I like you. I_ **loved** _last night and I want to spend time with you if you'll let me because I think you do "people" just fine. You did me just fine."_  
  
The innuendo of the last sentence isn't lost on Lexa. She shakes her head.  
  
_"You're..."_ Lexa's thoughts are jumbled. She tries to make sense of words but they don't seem to be falling in the right order. This is inconvenient.  _"We should eat."_  
  
It's the first sentence that properly forms in Lexa's brain and she decides it'll do. Clarke turns to look over her shoulder at the amount of food on the table.  
  
_"It looks good."_

Without Clarke's eyes piercing into her own, Lexa can be somewhat coherent.   _  
_ _  
_ _"It's probably cold by now. I went to wake you up after I was done but you looked really peaceful and I didn't want to bother you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're such a liar."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How am I a liar?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For saying I looked peaceful while I drooled on your bed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You drooled a little on me too."_  
  
Lexa smiles.  
  
_"I'm a drooler. You'll get used to it."_  
  
Clarke is playful and unfazed by the accusation. They both sit in silence carefully examining the other's face. After a while of just staring and taking each other in Clarke speaks.  
  
_"Food?"_  
  
Lexa nods. Clarke moves from Lexa's lap and as she does she runs her hand from the back of Lexa's neck down her arm until she's found Lexa's hand. She intertwines their fingers together and guides Lexa the few feet to the table. Lexa can't help but stare at Clarke's ass. When she catches herself she snaps her eyes up and silently scolds her brain for allowing this.  
  
Clarke pulls out a chair for Lexa to sit and Lexa looks at her confused.  
  
_"I'm trying to be chivalrous. Just roll with it."_  
  
Lexa laughs as she sits. Clarke takes a seat next to her. Clarke finally gets a chance to examine the food on the table. Lexa takes it as an opportunity to explain the feast she had so proudly prepared.   
  
_"That's chia with unsweetened yogurt and hemp granola. That's chocolate oatmeal with strawberries and flax. It's one of my favorites. I made gluten free banana bread on Monday. I'll toast it and you can put some of the avocado on that. It's really great. I heated some of the leftover cauliflower muffins I made yesterday. This is fruit and honey. It goes well with the Greek yogurt pancakes."_

Lexa looks up from the food to Clarke.

 _"I didn't know what you would like so I kind of gave you options."_  
  
It's all...there is not one thing on the table that Clarke would willingly eat. She turns to Lexa and smiles.  
  
_"I should've known."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What? Should've known what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That you were...healthy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, you don't like it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No. I love it. It all looks delicious."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You absolutely hate it, don't you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex..."_  
  
Clarke wraps her hand around Lexa's.  
  
The pet name that slips out so effortlessly takes Lexa aback. No one has ever called her that but Anya and Costia.  
  
_"It's not the kind of thing I would normally go for, true, but it looks really good. I promise. I'm always down to try new things with you."_  
  
Clarke makes sure to add a hint of double entendre on that last sentence. This girl was going to be the death of Lexa. She could already feel it.  
  
_"Where should I start? You have to teach me the ropes here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't have to have all of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, I definitely want to try it. You made them. Of course I want to try everything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The chia is nice?"_ Lexa says hesitantly.  
  
_"Chia it is."_  
  
Clarke serves herself a healthy spoonful from the bowl while Lexa grabs other things from around the table and makes a diverse plate for herself. She carefully looks at Clarke once she brings the spoon with chia to her mouth. Clarke chews a couple times.  
  
_"That is great."_  
  
Clarke says **_almost_ ** convincingly. Lexa laughs earnestly.  
  
_"You hate it."_  
  
Clarke stops chewing and speaks with her mouth full.  
  
_"Do I ever get to see you naked again if I say 'yes'?"_  
  
Lexa laughs heartily. She normally isn't one to initiate things but she can't help but lean in to kiss the spectacular girl sitting across from her. Clarke forces herself to swallow the glob that floated around her mouth just so she can deepen the kiss. She brings her hands to Lexa's face and before she knows it she's pushing her chair away and leading herself back to Lexa's lap without their lips ever breaking contact. Lexa's hands snake under the leather jacket and rest on the small of Clarke's back. They begrudgingly end the kiss when the need to come up for air becomes unavoidable.  
  
_"I might just have to hide some eggs and bacon in the back of your fridge."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Planning on having breakfast here often?"_  
  
Lexa raises her eyebrow.  
  
_"You wouldn't let me?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa flirtatiously.  
  
_"I would."_ Lexa knew she couldn’t get away with lying even if she tried. Clarke leans in to kiss her again.  _"We just have to make sure you're wearing actual clothes. I normally live with people."_  
  
Lexa's hand starts to run up and down Clarke's naked back. Clarke's mouth finds her way to Lexa's neck.  
  
_"They're not here now."_  
  
A breathy gasp leaves Lexa's mouth.  
  
_"They're not."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clothes are optional at the kitchen table then."_  
  
Clarke swiftly slides the jacket off her shoulders and within a second she's naked on top of Lexa. Well, nearly naked except for the virtually non-existent piece of cloth that Abby liked to refer to as _"ass floss"_. Lexa's breath hitches at the sight. She saw Clarke naked from various angles the night before but that was in her barely lit room. She hadn't seen her with proper lighting and she's nothing short mesmerized. Clarke is...magnificent. Definitely way out of Lexa's league if Lexa's being honest. Clarke leans in to press herself flush against Lexa. She holds Lexa's bottom lip between her teeth and pulls on it.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Clarke hums.  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa repeats more forcefully this time. Clarke realizes the nervous tone in Lexa's voice and backs away.  
  
_"You okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can we...slow? Okay?"_  
  
Lexa nervously closes her eyes tightly. Clarke kisses her cheek and pulls her in for a hug.  
  
_"However slow you want."_  
  
Clarke whispers in her ear.  
  
_"Maybe just food? For now?"_  
  
Clarke pulls back placing her hands on either side of Lexa's face.  
  
_"Food sounds great."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I may have some stuff you'd like somewhere. We'd only have to figure out what."_  
  
Lexa looks up at her. Clarke smiles back.  
  
_"Why don't we go out? I know a place in Greenwich you might like."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's snowing really bad."_ Lexa nods her head towards the window. It started unexpectedly snowing while Clarke was asleep and Lexa guessed she was probably oblivious to it.  _"There's this really great Thai place about a block away that delivers. We can make them brave the weather."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Let's do that."_  
  
Clarke utters excited, but frankly she would've been excited at whatever Lexa suggested.  
  
_"I can pull up the menu for you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa intently but doesn't move from her lap. Lexa looks at her and smiles.  
  
_"My phone is on the couch."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_  
  
Clarke still doesn't move.  
  
_"I need my phone to pull up the menu."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_  
  
Clarke tries to put on her best innocent face.  
  
_"I need to be able to get up in order to get my phone to pull up the menu."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhum."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I just want to look at you."_  
  
Clarke smiles.  
  
_"Why?"_  
  
Lexa asks confused.  
  
_"Because every time I do I feel funny. I don't know how to explain it. There's something about you that's different."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well you've never seen me with glasses before so maybe that's it."_  
  
Clarke leans her head back laughing. Lexa can be utterly clueless sometimes. Clarke lov...likes that about her.  
  
_"I don't think the glasses have anything to do with it Lex."_  
  
There it is again. It sounds so right slipping out of Clarke's mouth. Lexa is trying quite hard to fight it, but Clarke makes her feel _"funny"_ too. Lexa isn't sure if it's the fact that Clarke's still sitting on her lap basically naked, but she doesn't think that's it. Probably not.  
  
Clarke moves her face in a way that the light from the window catches her sapphire eyes and just like a jewel, they almost seem to sparkle. Lexa's breath gets stuck in her throat. This girl has to be the most remarkable thing Lexa has been lucky enough to come across and she's sitting here, in her kitchen...on her lap, and looking at Lexa like she is a four-leaf clover.  
  
_"Lex..."_  
  
Lexa was lost in her thoughts and missed Clarke trying to talk to her.  
  
_"Lexa..."_  
  
She finally snaps out of it.  
_  
_ _"Was I staring? Sorry."_  
  
Lexa tells Clarke embarrassed and looks away. Clarke turns Lexa's face back towards her. Their eyes meet again.  
  
_"Can I kiss you? I can't help but want to right now."_  
  
Lexa can feel the scarlet creeping up her cheeks again but she nods anyway. She can't seem to be capable of saying no to Clarke. That might be a problem.

Clarke leans in and their lips meet. It's soft and slow. They stay like that for...they don't even know how long...until Clarke finally pulls away.  
  
_"What have you done to me?"_  
  
Clarke looks at her and shakes her head.  
  
_"What do you mean?"_  
  
Lexa asks while knotting her eyebrows. She's clearly confused. Lexa starts to go over the night before and today trying to figure out what she could have done wrong. She can't seem to come up with anything but also second guesses everything at the same time.  
  
_"I don't know what you did to me because I don't want to stop kissing you."_ Lexa smiles shyly. Clarke studies every inch of Lexa's face and takes a deep breath before speaking again.  _"I know we said slow. I know I literally said it like five minutes ago, but I don't want to stop kissing you Lex. I don't and if I didn't assume it was probably going to fluster the fuck out of you I'd ask you to be my girlfriend. But I won't. Not yet. Not until I know you won't be freaked out. I want you to know where I'm at though and whenever you're ready you just tell me and we can do it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't even know basic things about me. You don’t even know my birthday for instance. How would you know you want me to be your girlfriend?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know you love to read more than anything. I know that your favorite colors are black and white. I know that you play with your fingers when you're confused or flustered or angry or happy. You play with your fingers a lot. I know that you do your best not to laugh at really inappropriate jokes but a chuckle still escapes every now and then. I know that we'd probably never order the same thing off a menu. I now know that you mumble in your sleep. I know that you look very hot with your glasses. I know that you have a brilliant mind and an even bigger heart. I know that I'm falling embarrassingly hard for you. What else do I need to know?"_  
  
Clarke's eyes bore into Lexa. Lexa's face is so far past red that she doesn't understand how there's enough blood left for the rest of her body to function. Maybe that's why she's feeling a little lightheaded. Probably.  
  
_"None of those things indicate this could lead to a successful relationship."_  
  
Clarke groans.  
  
_"Are you always like this?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Like what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"An overthinker."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I simply believe people should know more about each other before jumping into something as significant as a relationship."_  
  
Lexa utters seriously.  
  
_"Then tell me what I need to know. Tell me everything. And I'll tell you anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not that easy Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It really is Lexa. Just ask."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if I ask about something you don't want to talk about?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then I'll tell you I don't want to talk about it. How is that complicated?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if..."_  
  
Lexa is interrupted by Clarke's lips on her own.  
  
_"Stop over thinking. When's your birthday?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You just said I didn't know your birthday so tell me. When's your birthday?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"July 1st."_  
  
_"Mine's October 12th. Favorite ice cream?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Vanilla."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"Seriously?! Vanilla? All the amazing flavors out there and just...vanilla?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's simple and clean. A classic. Not complicated."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course you would say that. Mine's mint chocolate chip."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ew."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ew? Really? Ew, Ms. Vanilla?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a terrible flavor combination Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever. More for me. Favorite movie?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't have one. Picking a favorite thing when there's so many you haven't experienced is absurd. I haven't seen every movie out there, how could I have a favorite?"_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and pecks her.  
  
_"You're impossible. A movie you enjoy then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's a lot of those."_ _  
_

Lexa states factually.

 _"Give me one Lex. Just one. First one that comes to mind."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Adam."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Never heard of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We can watch it sometime."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd like that."_  
  
A smile creeps upon Clarke's face.  
  
_"Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can we move? My legs are kind of numb."_  
  
Lexa speaks softly as if almost not wanting to be heard. She certainly felt guilty for disrupting the conversation but Clarke’s weight and the edge of the chair were really doing a number on her thighs. Clarke laughs as she unstraddles Lexa.  
  
_"You should've said something."_  
  
Clarke pulls her hand forcing Lexa to stand up and guides them to the couch.  
  
_"Do you...can I get you a sweater? I have extra sweats too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I've had many people try to get me out of my clothes before. Never had someone trying to put clothes on me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's cold. I don't want you to get sick."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then keep me warm."_  
  
Clarke tells her invitingly as she brings them down to the couch. They fall next to each other and Clarke wraps Lexa's arms around her waist as she leans over to rest on Lexa's shoulder. Clarke is forward. Lexa likes that. She would never have thought of cuddling the essentially naked girl on the couch, but she's glad Clarke decided this is what they were going to do because Lexa doesn't mind it. Not one bit.  
  
_"Favorite song?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't..."_  
  
Clarke gripes playfully.  
  
_"I haven't heard every song so how can I have one Clarke?"_  
  
Clarke mockingly imitates Lexa.  
  
_"That's not how I sound."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Kinda do."_  
  
_"We'll skip that one. Favorite book."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"‘The Stranger’ by Albert Camus."_

_"I haven't heard of it before. Can I borrow it?"_

_"I don't...I was at a bookstore one day and stumbled upon a signed first edition of the book. It was very expensive but I convinced the owner to put it aside for me. I saved for a few months and just as I promised, I went back for it. He taught me how to take care of it properly to make sure it lasted. I took it out of its box and reread it every so often. The last time I did there happened to be a fire in my backyard and it unfortunately died a terrible death so I don't have a copy anymore."_

Clarke turns to look at her horrified.  
  
_"You told me it wasn't a big deal!"_  
  
_"It's more than a little embarrassing to forget the very rare book from 1942 outside at night. It was my fault. I should've taken better care of it."_  
  
_"Oh my god Lexa. I'll get you a new one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There aren't many first editions floating around. It's fine. Honestly. It's a book. It'll be the same book when I buy a new copy. It’s the words that matter. It was a selfish and irresponsible purchase anyway."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss her with regret written all over her face.  
  
_"I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you."_  
  
Lexa smiles at her.  
  
_"Don't worry about it. What's yours?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Favorite book. I just told you mine."_  
  
Clarke goes back to leaning against Lexa and her hands start caressing the arms tightly enveloped around her waist.  
  
_"I'm sure it's not nearly as cool or smart as yours but it's "Art in Theory 1900 - 2000: An Anthology of Changing Ideas". I've read it so many times and I learn something new each time. Mine's all scribbled on and full of little notes about all the interesting things I find. I bet yours is something super deep and mine literally has pictures in it."_  
  
Clarke laughs at the dichotomy.  
  
_"I'd love to read it. I'm sure it's fascinating."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You mean it?"_  
  
Clarke sounds insecure for the first time since Lexa has met her.  
  
_"I mean it. If you lend me your copy I promise I won't burn it."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"If you did I'd deserve it. I'm really fucking sorry by the way."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke...stop apologizing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. What's your biggest dream?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know if I want to talk about that."_  
  
Clarke looks up at Lexa and Lexa looks down at where Clarke rests on her shoulder.  
  
_"Did I push it too far?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. It's just...it's stupid."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa, there isn't a single stupid thing about you."_  
  
The way Clarke is looking at her, it forces Lexa to - for the first time in quite a long time - feel safe. Against her every instinct and breaking her tried and true pattern of keeping everything locked in, Lexa tells Clarke something she's never told anyone before. Not Costia. Not Anya. No one.  
  
_"A family. I never...it was always just me and my older sister. There was never anyone looking out for us but each other. I didn't have a family growing up so I'd like to have one someday. A real one."_  
  
_"That's not stupid at all. Not one bit."_  
  
Clarke tells her and Lexa thoroughly believes what Clarke is saying which immediately calms her blooming hesitation.  
  
_"Your turn."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"A gallery show. Hundreds of people there to watch my art. People who came to see my work. Critics. Buyers. I'd like to feel like my art matters even if it's just for one night."_  
  
_"Your art matters Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's many incredible artists out there. More than I could count. How could it? They're so much better than me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's only one Clarke Griffin though. That makes it special."_

Clarke was amazed at the fact that Lexa could sometimes say the most important things with the least amount of words. _  
_ _  
_ _"You have to say that because I'm naked on your couch."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"I'd say the same thing even if you were wearing layers."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll pretend I believe you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You should because I was sincere."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How about biggest fear?"_  
  
Lexa almost immediately answered that. Didn’t even have to think about it.  
  
_"People I love getting hurt. Losing them."_  
  
Clarke pulls Lexa's arms tighter against her as if instinctively protective.  
  
_"Can I ask why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Would you be mad if I didn't want to talk about it?"_  
  
Clarke turns and leans up to peck Lexa's lips and shakes her head.  
_  
_ _"If you ever want to talk about it, I'd love to listen."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"What's your biggest fear?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Reptiles. They're scaly and cold."_  
  
_"Seriously?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's your biggest fear?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My dad died two years ago. I already lived through my biggest fear. Only easy stuff left on the list."_  
  
Clarke laughs attempting to play it off.

_“I’m sorry Clarke.”_

Clarke doesn’t dwell on it. She doesn’t like it. It’s still too fresh.  
  
_"I guess I could say someone I love abandoning me, but I think my dad also checked off that box already."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sure he didn't want to leave."_  
  
Lexa pulls Clarke tighter against her and feels the urge to kiss the top of her head so she does. Clarke intertwines their fingers in return.  
  
_"He didn't. But he's still not here."_  
  
Lexa says nothing sensing that Clarke didn't want to linger on it. She kisses the top of Clarke's head again and asks the next question.  
  
_"What's your favorite drink?"_

* * *

Clarke and Lexa stayed like that for hours. They mindlessly touched. They talked nonstop. They asked countless questions. They told stories that had remained untold until that day. They laughed until it hurt. They unknowingly and carelessly fell in love.

Clarke and Lexa stayed like that until they were both too hungry to ignore their angry stomachs any longer. They ordered take out and even while eating they were as engrossed in each other as they had been that morning. Once they were done devouring the food they went back to holding each other on the couch. This time, Lexa laid flat and Clarke rested on top of her with her head on her chest.  
  
The sun fell and they were still there. Clarke just as naked and Lexa just as enveloped in the trepidation she was feeling earlier. She was still apprehensive but something had changed. The fear she felt this morning was almost paralyzing; it was all-consuming. The fear she feels now is exciting. The kind people feel at the edge of a plane when they're about to dive. Lexa was ready to jump. She just had to hope the metaphorical parachute would open.  
  
_"Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hmmm."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ask me."_ Clarke looks up at her confused and silently requests Lexa elaborate on what she means.  _"This morning. You said you wouldn't ask me until you knew I wouldn't freak out."_ Clarke tries to catch up with where Lexa is going. It takes her a few seconds, but when she does her face lights up brighter than Lexa had seen thus far.  _"I think I'm ready. I'm probably not. Most likely not. I know I’m not, but I guess it's one of those things you simply have to try."_ Clarke's smile grows with each word that comes out of Lexa's mouth.  _"No overthinking."_  
  
Lexa adds with finality. Clarke puts her body weight on her elbows and pushes herself up. She's now looking at Lexa from above with a beaming smile on her face.  
  
_"Lexa..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa smiles back at her.  
  
_"I'd like to call you my girlfriend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd like it if you called me your girlfriend."_  
  
That's all Clarke needs to hear to mold her lips against Lexa's. Those were the last coherent words either of them spoke that night...or the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	12. October 12, 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**October 12, 2028**

Six pairs of feet stealthily tiptoe down a hallway. They move slowly and quietly trying not to make a single sound. The person at the front of the human line carefully places their hand on the door knob and twists it. They creep into a bedroom and land at the foot of a California King bed. The clock on the nightstand reads 5:28AM. Once all twelve feet have made it inside the room and to the bed they stop and look at each other. They nod in unison.   
  
_"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"_  
  
The hollering startles Clarke awake.  
  
_"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"_  
  
Clarke scans the room with only one eye open and a scrunched up face trying to get her bearings. It takes her more than a second to understand why the hell there’s so many people inside her bedroom and why they’re all screaming at her. Clarke had resorted to taking sleeping pills a few months back when she kept failing to fall asleep naturally and as a result of the medication, waking up had become a slow and groggy process.  
  
_"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY! (CLARKE!)"_  
  
Clarke focuses on the group. Front and center there’s a chipper Roa carrying a sizeable paper rectangle in her hands. Behind her a half asleep Anya and Costia hold a cake topped with flaming candles with the expected disposition of tweens who didn't want to wake up forty five minutes earlier than they normally do on school days. At either side of them Raven and Octavia hold a precariously made banner clearly crafted by the baby of the family that reads _"Happy Birthday Mommy"_. Then there's Lexa. She’s standing next to Raven with the typical sour face anyone sports when they're forced to do something they don't particularly feel like doing.  
  
_"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"_  
  
The deafening singing ends. The screaming and cheering begins. Roa jumps on the bed and wraps her arms around Clarke while Anya and Costia walk closer to Clarke's bedside with the cake.  
  
_"Mommy it's your birthday!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It is baby. Thank you."_  
  
Clarke gets out barely coherent because, to be completely honest, she is still mostly asleep.  
  
_"We put candles on the cake!"_  
  
Roa screeches excited. Only a seven year old would have this much energy before the sun is properly out. Clarke kisses Roa's forehead then rubs her eyes for a quick second.  
  
_"Blow them mommy! Blow them!"_  
  
Roa chants and Clarke is quickly reminded that birthdays are Roa's favorite "holiday". It doesn't matter if she knew the person or not, if Roa found out it was someone's birthday she would do her best to make it as special as a little girl could. Costia and Anya bring the cake down to Clarke's sitting eye level and just she's about to blow the candles her alarm clock blares like it does any other weekday.  
  
It's a Thursday and Clarke normally woke up at 5:30AM during the week to have enough time to get herself ready for work and the kids ready for school. Most nights Lexa wouldn't come to bed until four or five in the morning, if she came to bed at all, which would leave Clarke to deal with the morning routine alone and she needed all the time she could get.  
  
_"How does that not wake up everyone in the building?"_  
  
Raven yells over the bellowing sound the same moment Clarke leans over to turn if off.  
  
_"Mommy you have to blow your candles and make a wish!"_  
  
Roa insists. Clarke smiles, kisses Roa's head again, and looks directly at Lexa before she closes her eyes and blows the candles.  
  
_"Was it a good wish?"_  
  
Roa jumps up and down jouncing the entire bed.  
  
_"It was, but no more jumping."_  
  
Clarke turns to Costia and Anya who still hold the cake.  
  
_"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Happy Birthday mom."_  
  
Anya leans down to kiss her mother.  
  
_"Yeah. Happy birthday."_

Costia mumbles less than enthused about the time and the amount of yelling but tilts down to kiss and hug Clarke anyway.  
  
_"Can we have cake now?!"_

Clarke laughs at the idea of having cake at 5:30 in the morning. _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Not at all Ro. That's being saved for lunch or dinner. Birthday cakes are not for eating at breakfast."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But you always eat the cake when the candles are out."_

Roa sounds confused and more than slightly heartbroken. _  
_ _  
_ _"Not always. What's that you got there?"_

Clarke points at the piece of paper Roa is holding. _  
_ _  
_ _"We made you a card and everyone wrote something nice in it!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Did you guys? That's so sweet."_  
  
Clarke smiles at her girls and opens the card Roa is offering. It's a red construction paper rectangle covered in scribbles that are obviously a seven year old's brainchild. In between the mess of lines and colors there's short blurbs all over. _"You're the bravest person I know and I'm glad you're my sister. Happy birthday babe. Love, O."_ She scans her eyes and comes across another one. _"Thanks for being the best mom in the world. We love you. Nana."_ There's also: _"36? You're getting fucking old Griffin and it's starting to show. I'm also never waking up this early again so let's cancel birthdays from now on."_ Clarke chuckles at that one because of course Raven would write that. Further below that is another bit of handwriting. _"HBD <3" _ and that's scribbled in Costia's unmistakable handwriting. Finally she comes across Lexa's. _"Happy Birthday Clarke."_ _  
_  
_"Jake also signed it!"_  
  
Roa announces excited. That's when Clarke notices the glued on piece of paper at the top right of the card. It undeniably had come out of one of Jake's old things. Clarke would recognize those sloppy chicken scratches anywhere. The cut out was nothing more than his name the way he used to write it on assignments. _"Jake GW"_.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Roa turns to look at Lexa to answer her question.  
  
_"I got his notebo..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not supposed to touch his things."_  
  
Lexa brusquely interrupts Roa. The little girl's face falls.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's okay Ro. I_ **really** _love that he's on my birthday card. It's the best gift I could have gotten."_  
  
Clarke pulls Roa in for a tight hug trying to remedy the situation. Lexa attempts to walk out but Raven grabs her by the back of the shirt.  
  
_"You stay."_  
  
Raven mumbles at her through gritted teeth. Lexa aggressively shakes Raven's hand off the back of her shirt. Clarke watches the entire thing as she holds Roa.  
  
_"Was it your idea?"_  
  
Roa nods satisfied.  
  
_"But I know I'm not supposed to use scissors and I asked Aunt O to help."_  
  
The little girl beams.  
  
_"That's awesome Ro. I'm proud of you for doing that."_  
  
Raven grumbles something at Lexa who is trying to get away from her. Octavia jumps in before they cause a scene and ruin the early morning surprise.  
  
_"Anyway, Rae and I will get the girls ready today. You take it easy. We have to finish breakfast so we're out of here."_  
  
Octavia walks to the bed and takes the cake from Clarke's hands. Everyone knows that by "we", Octavia means she is making breakfast because the last time Raven cooked a homemade meal was...never. Octavia will let Raven pretend she helped though.  
  
_"I'll put this in a better place."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thanks O."_  
  
Octavia understands that Clarke’s expression of gratitude is more than just for the cake and she smiles at her best friend.  
  
_"Of course."_  
  
Octavia walks back towards where Raven stands and practically pushes her out the door. Once Raven and Octavia are out of the room, only the kids and Lexa are left. Clarke notices Costia dozing off standing and laughs.  
  
_"Why don’t you guys go back to bed and I'll come get you in a little bit?"_  
  
Costia and Anya don't have to be told twice. They basically run for their warm and comfy beds.  
  
_"You too. Go."_  
  
She turns to Roa and smiles lovingly at her.  
  
_"I'm not sleepy!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe your aunts need some help in the kitchen then."_  
  
Roa lights up at the idea, jumps off the bed, and heads out the door. Now it's only Clarke and Lexa. Lexa stands awkwardly at the foot off the bed. Clarke surveys her face and notes the ever growing dark bags under her wife’s eyes.  
  
_"You didn't come to bed last night."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I was reading."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You need to sleep every once in a while Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not if I'm not tired."_  
  
Clarke wasn't trying to pick a fight and she knew better than to push that topic so she left it at that. She throws the covers off her and her feet over the edge of the mattress. She's wearing nothing but boy shorts and a long-sleeved blue Henley shirt. She plants her feet on the ground and walks towards Lexa.

Clarke places her hand behind Lexa's neck and caresses the silky strands of hair that grow there. Lexa tenses up at the proximity. Lexa can feel Clarke’s eyes scanning her face and does her best to avoid making eye contact as often as she can. Clarke brings her other hand up to the back of Lexa’s neck and pulls Lexa in for a kiss. Clarke pours everything she's feeling into it. She wants Lexa to understand what is going through her mind. Clarke is trying to convey the love she has for Lexa but also the trepidation she’s been overwhelmed with lately. Clarke backs away when Lexa doesn't necessarily respond despite her best efforts.  
  
_"I wished for us to be us again."_  
  
Clarke searches Lexa's eyes.  
  
_"We're never going to be anything we were again Clarke. Not without him."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and releases it loudly. She slides her hands down from Lexa's neck to her shoulders looking dejected and steps back putting some distance between them.  
  
_"We could at least try."_  
  
Clarke holds her gaze on Lexa hopeful, but she gets nothing.  
  
_"It's been four months Lex."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Four months is supposed to be a long time? Four months is all it took to forget him?"_  
  
Lexa glares at her defensively.  
  
_"That's not what I said."_  
  
Lexa doesn't answer.  
  
_"I...we..."_

Clarke tenderly runs her hands up and down Lexa's chest as she stops to ponder what her next words should be.

 _"I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I really don't Lexa. We either don't talk at all or we argue. I'm running out of ideas here. I kind of need you to meet me in the middle."_ _  
_  
Lexa runs her tongue over her lips but doesn't add anything. Clarke rolls her eyes and begins to walk around the room getting her things ready for the morning.  
  
_"You know what? Fine. I can be patient with you. I will be because I know_ **this** _..._ ” Clarke gestures at Lexa. _“...this isn't you, but stop treating the girls like you treat everyone else."_

Clarke slams her underwear drawer shut.

 _"Especially Roa. She was trying to do something nice for me. You didn't have to be nasty about it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They should know his things are off limits."_  
  
_"He was their brother!"_

Clarke snaps and turns to Lexa.

_"He shouldn't be "off limits". I'm not going to force them to ignore what happened. Roa is still trying to get it. She doesn't really understand why he hasn't been home. We're supposed to be helping her not getting upset with her."_

_"She should get it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She is seven!"_

It’s been a while since Clarke lost her poise and she can’t even remember the last time she raised her voice like this at Lexa. Their arguments can get intense, but typically never loud.  
  
_"I was five when my mother died and I understood what was happening."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That is_ **not** _the same! They didn't grow up the way you did."_  
  
Clarke storms past Lexa heading for the walk-in closet.  
  
_"What is that supposed to mean?"_  
  
Lexa follows her and hovers at the closet entrance.  
  
_"You know what it means."_  
  
Clarke barks at Lexa and begins forcefully going through her clothes which causes the metal hangers to grate against the metal rods.  
  
_"No, I actually don't Clarke."_  
  
_"They were sheltered. They didn't have the shitty childhood you did and you know it. That doesn't make you better than them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"At least I recognized how the real world worked."_  
  
Lexa bites back. Clarke instantaneously looks up from the rack of clothes and her eyes burn through Lexa.  
_  
_ _"Just because you and I are miserable doesn't mean they should be too."_  
  
Clarke grabs whatever was in her hand at the moment and pulls it from a hanger. She doesn't particularly care what it was. She's apparently wearing it today. Clarke physically moves Lexa form the door frame and heads for the bathroom.  
  
_"Growing up doesn't mean being miserable."_  
  
Lexa follows Clarke to the bathroom where she is putting a dab of toothpaste on her toothbrush.  
  
_"I'm not forcing our seven year old to “grow up” just so she can meet your standards of awareness."_

Clarke wets the toothbrush and begins to move it around her mouth.

 _"Not if I can help it."_  
  
Lexa locks her jaw and walks out of the bathroom and then the bedroom. Clarke continues to brush her teeth incensed. She spits the foam and rinses her mouth. She brings her hands to the hem of her shirt in anticipation of her shower but she doesn't. Instead she walks out of the bathroom and heads directly to the one place she knows Lexa will be.

* * *

Lexa slouches over her desk looking at the book resting on the dark mahogany. Her eyes are on the words but she's not reading. She can't she's too...  
  
Her office door swings open.  
  
_"She is seven! Seven Lexa. The one thing she needs more than anything right now is us. I'm trying so hard to be there, but she also needs you."_  
  
_"I'm reading Clarke."_

Lexa replies nonplussed without even looking in Clarke's direction.  
  
That does it for Clarke. She’s hit her tolerance limit for the day at it’s not even six in the morning. Clarke tramps to Lexa's desk, rips the book from where it lay in front of her, and throws it across the room where it lands...somewhere...with a boisterous bang. Lexa glowers up at her.  
  
_"I guess I have your full attention now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Get out."_

Lexa growls at Clarke.  
  
_"No. Not until you talk to me."_ _  
__  
__"I'm not a child Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"You're certainly acting like one Alexandria."_  
  
Clarke was undoubtedly trying to push Lexa's buttons now. Lexa stands up. Now they're at eye level with each other.  
  
_"Get out."_  
  
Lexa growls again more sternly this time while looking directly into Clarke's eyes. Clarke is about to respond when another voice joins the conversation.  
  
_"Don't talk to her like that."_  
  
They both turn to find Costia standing at the door.  
  
_"Cos, you should be sleeping."_

Clarke’s tone instantly changes to a nurturing one when addressing her daughter.  
  
_"Kind of hard when you and Lexa are screaming at each other."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Go back to your room."_

Lexa snaps at Costia this time. Costia cocks her head and crosses her arms defensively.  
  
_"You don't tell me what to do Lexa."_  
  
Lexa moves away from Clarke and towards the door. She stands inches away from Costia and stonily looks down at her.  
  
_"Go to your room."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_

Costia raises her chin defiantly.  
  
_"Now Costia."_

Costia is nothing but intransigent.  
  
_"No."_  
  
Lexa feels Clarke pull her away from Costia and further back into the office. Clarke stands between Costia and Lexa.  
  
_"Please go get ready for school."_

Clarke points down the hall in the direction of Costia’s room.  
  
_"Why do you always defend her? Why are you always on her side? She doesn't even care about us."_

Costia doesn’t try to hide her frustration or her anger. _  
_ _  
_ _"Cos, your mom loves you. She's just going through a lot right now."_  
  
_"Ask her to tell me that. To tell any of us."_ She turns to Lexa. _"Do you love us?"_  
  
Costia puts Lexa on the spot. Lexa looks disconcerted by the question. She looks between Clarke and Costia dumbfounded.  
  
_"There you go. She can't even say it. Her favorite died so she doesn't love the rest of us anymore."_  
  
_"Come on. I need a hand in the kitchen."_  
  
Octavia and Raven had heard the commotion and followed the voices into the hallway. Octavia walks up behind Costia and begins to pull her away. Costia frees her arm from Octavia.  
  
_"Why is everyone always protecting her?! She doesn't care!"_  
  
Lexa walks past and through everyone. She heads straight down the hallway and turns towards the living room. Clarke knows what she's about to do because this is what Lexa has been doing lately whenever she doesn't want to deal with something. Clarke sets after her.  
  
_"Don't leave."_  
  
Lexa keeps walking in silence. Lexa doesn’t have an answer for Clarke or Costia. She doesn’t know what the right thing to say is. Even if she did, what difference would it make?  
  
_"This is how you're going to show her you care? By walking away from her?"_  
  
Lexa’s mind is racing. She needs to get out of here. She grabs her keys from the hook by the door and as she reaches for the knob Clarke grabs her arm. Lexa’s body pivots by Clarke’s forceful pull and when their eyes meet Lexa glares at her.  
  
_"Can you at least put shoes on this time?"_  
  
Clarke points at Lexa's bare feet and sighs resigned to the inevitable.  
  
_"Let her go. Why is she still here?!"_  
  
Costia hastily makes her way from the hallway to the front door with Octavia on her tail.  
  
_"You're about to get two weeks with no phone if you don't go to your room right this second."_  
  
Clarke turns to her sternly.  
  
_"I'll happily give you my phone if she leaves. I will get it right now and give it to you if you let her go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Two weeks!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're letting her ruin your birthday!"_  
  
Lexa yanks her arm away from Clarke and walks out the door barefoot and without a jacket into the October chill.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
Clarke calls for her from the door. Instead of waiting for the elevator, Lexa turns for the stairs and disappears.  
  
_"Good. Maybe we'll have a normal fucking day around here."_  
  
Clarke slams the door shut and strides towards Costia stopping only centimeters away from her. Costia is one month shy of turning thirteen yet she is already almost as tall as Clarke. Costia definitely inherited her height from her grandfather because her and Clarke now come pretty close to being at the same eye level. At this distance Clarke can see the fire in Costia’s azure eyes. It’s the same kind of zeal she could read in Lexa’s eyes when she was truly angry.  
  
_"Three weeks. No phone for three weeks Costia. One more word out of you and I'm taking your computer too. Try me."_  
  
Clarke’s tone is stern. Her words unwavering. Costia holds her mother’s eyes for a few long seconds before turning and storming away.    
  
_"I hate all of you."_  
  
_"I expect both the phone and the computer on my bed before you leave for school."_  
  
Clarke, Octavia, and Raven are left in the living room. They look at each other but before anyone can say anything they hear sniffing coming from the dining room. Clarke walks in that direction and finds Roa sitting on the floor crying.  
  
_"Ro..."_  
  
Clarke quickly bends down to pick her up. Roa clings to her neck.  
  
_"I'm sorry I cut Jake’s notebook. Momma wouldn't have gotten mad and left if I hadn't. I'm sorry."_  
  
Roa cries inconsolably into Clarke’s neck and Clarke sweetly shushes her trying to calm her down.  
  
_"No Ro. This wasn't your fault. Hey...look at me."_

Clarke pulls away and looks at her youngest daughter.

 _"I_ **loved** _your card. It's the best gift anyone has ever given me. Ever. No one is mad at you. I promise. Do you believe me?"_

Roa nods with tears still rolling down her face.  
  
_"There's nothing to be upset about then, is there?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is momma going to come back then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She always does Ro. She always comes back because she loves us. More than anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She does?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course she does. She especially loves you because you're our baby girl."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not a baby anymore."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're right. You're not and since you aren't, do you want to help me with something?"_  
  
Roa nods excited.  
  
_"I think it's time for Nana to start getting ready for school. Do you want to go wake her up for me? Just don't jump on her bed okay?"_  
  
Clarke winks and smiles at Roa giving her the okay to absolutely go jump on her sister's bed. The little girl takes off.  
  
_"Nana! Nana! Get up!"_  
  
Roa screams as she runs down the hallway towards Anya's room. Clarke is left still kneeling down. Once Roa clears the space her hands come to cover her face and the tears pour out.  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
Octavia comes down to kneel beside her.  
  
_"Not here. Roa could come back."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_  
  
Octavia helps her up and the three of them head to the back of the apartment towards the bedrooms.

* * *

Clarke, Octavia, and Raven walk into the master bedroom. Clarke plonks down onto the bed. She moves her legs up to the mattress so she can sit cross legged. As soon as she does, her elbows land on her thighs and her hands move to cover her face. Raven and Octavia sit at either side of her. Octavia rests her head on Clarke's shoulder and loops her arm around Clarke's. They both patiently wait for Clarke to talk.  
  
_"I don't know what to do anymore."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is she still not talking about it?"_ Octavia asks.  
  
_"She won't talk about that night. She won't talk to the detectives. She won't talk to Anya. She won't talk to me. I still have no idea what happened. I mean, I kind of do based on what the cops have told us, but that’s all guess work. She won't talk about any of it. The moment any one thing gets too serious she walks out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you'd let me kick her ass that might set her straight."_  
  
Clarke lets out a wet laugh and looks at Raven.  
  
_"Don't do anything. She needs time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke she..."_

Clarke interrupts Raven and speaks uncompromisingly. _  
_ _  
_ _"Please Rae. She'll come around. She's just...she misses him."_  
  
_"We all miss him Clarke."_ Raven pokes her in the arm.  _"_ **You** _miss him and you're not acting like that. You were his mom too."_ _  
_  
_"I didn't have what they had."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Alright. No. Lexa and Jake were their own thing, we all know that, but that doesn't give her permission to be an insensitive ass. It also doesn't doesn't mean she misses him more than any of us. He was my nephew and my godson. He was Lukas's best friend. I loved him almost as much as you and I miss him. I wish Lexa would try to tell me she has more right to grieve him than I do. I’d join Rae and throw a punch or two."_  
  
Clarke smiles at the mental image of Lexa physically fighting her two best friends.  
  
_"She doesn't think that O."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's going about things like she does."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We just need to be patient with her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Or you might need to stop making excuses for her."_

Raven cocks her eyebrow at Clarke and shrugs.  
  
_"I know her Raven. She'll come around. Feelings are terrifying to Lexa. She doesn't know what do with them at first, but she figures it out in the long run."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's not one of your kids. You shouldn't be working to help her figure her feelings out. That's literal child's play. Lexa's your wife. She's your partner. She should be next to you, not wherever she is right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Rae..."_  
  
_"No. Clarke. How long are you going to wait? Has she decided if she's going to therapy with you? Has she decided if she's going back to work? Has she stepped up and began helping around the house? With the kids? You don't seem to care about these things, but I do and it's only because I'm worried about you. I love Lexa, I do, but you're my priority here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They're my priority. She needs time and I'm going to give it to her because..."_

Clarke is interrupted by the door opening. _  
_ _  
_ _"Mom, I can't find..."_ _  
_  
Anya casually walks into the room and stops when she sees her mom crying in bed with her two aunts.  
  
_"Oh. Nevermind."_  
  
Anya makes to leave.  
  
_"Nana. Hey..."_

Clarke hastily dries her tears and leaps off the bed heading towards the door.

_"What is it? What can't you find?"_

Clarke smiles at Anya while placing her hand on hers.  
  
_"I don't want to..."_ _  
__  
__"Anya...what can't you find?"_  
  
Clarke adds reassuringly before Anya can finish and the eleven year old relaxes.  
  
_"My uniform socks. I can't find them."_ _  
__  
__"They're in your dresser. Bottom left drawer."_

Clarke pulls Anya in for a hug more for herself than her daughter.

 _"The same place where you_ **never** _look even though that's where I always put them."_

Clarke chuckles. _  
__  
__"Happy birthday mom. I'm sorry."_  
  
Anya whispers and Clarke melts into her arms. Clarke understands what that means coming from Anya. Anya fades into the background sometimes. Clarke does chastise herself often for letting Anya fall through the metaphorical cracks more often than not. Anya has always been wildly independent though. She's always done her own thing. Anya has never been a handful like Costia or whatever baby came after her. Clarke can’t help but blame herself for making Anya self sufficient. She feels like they never really had enough time for her between Costia or the younger ones and now she doesn’t even know where to begin fixing it.  
  
_"Thank you baby."_ _  
__  
__"I love you."_ _  
__  
__"I love you too. Do you need me to go find you the socks?"_  
  
Anya shakes her head.  
  
_"I got it."_ _  
__  
__"Ok."_  
  
Anya smiles at Clarke and leaves the room.  
  
_"This is what you two constantly try to tell me is "wonderful"? They can't even find their own damn socks. How hard can that be? I wouldn't have any if you paid me."_  
  
Clarke and Octavia roll their eyes.  
  
_"It has its moments, okay?"_  
  
Octavia pushes Raven playfully.  
  
_"Which one? The growing a parasite inside you for months part? Maybe it's the pushing the thing out of a hole nothing should ever come out of part? The gross diapers? The throwing up? The not sleeping? The little shitheads needing things at all times without a break? None of that sounds like a good moment?"_  
  
Clarke and Octavia laugh.  
  
_"They're not_ **that** _bad."_ _  
__  
__"Maybe Anya will convince you one day."_  
  
Raven groans.  
  
_"When will you two let that go? She's a bitch. I have no interest in sleeping with her. The only thing we have in common is being sure that kids are the worst. It's never going to happen."_  
  
Octavia and Clarke look at each other and laugh.  
  
_"One day we'll get to say 'I told you so' and it will be amazing."_ _  
__  
__"Ok. Whatever. Are they like...ready? I don’t know how this usually goes and I'm the one taking the screaming snot monsters to school today."_  
  
Raven says hopping off the bed. Clarke and Octavia speak over each other at the same time.

 _“They still need to eat breakfast.”_  
  
_"What? Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"O cooked breakfast, I take them to school, Lincoln picks them up, then we all come back here and spend the rest of the day with you. That's the itinerary for the day. You need a day off from doing everything. Since your wife won’t do it, we're giving it to you."_  
  
Clarke smiles because what would she do without these two women? She begins to tear up.  
  
_"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Let's go feed the crib lizards. Yes?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm halfway convinced that you come up with the absurd nicknames because you still don't know their names."_  
  
Octavia laughs at Clarke’s statement because, frankly, she wouldn’t put it past Raven. Raven shrugs.  
  
_"You'll never know. Besides, they all look the same. Telling them apart is your job, not mine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Our kids do_ **not** _look the same Rae."_  
  
Octavia laughs because the one thing her kids and Clarke's kids had in common was the fact that they were all human.  
  
_"That's what you think."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mom! Cos doesn't want to give me back the iPad!"_  
  
Roa's muffled scream from somewhere else in the apartment breaks their banter.  
  
_"The demon spawns are so angry today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop calling my kids demons Rae."_  
  
Clarke jumps off the bed.  
  
_"Maybe when they stop being pint sized hell brewed creatures I will."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa hates when you call them that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, she can take that up with me if she wants. I've been begging for her to give me an excuse to knock her out."_  
  
They hear shuffling and one of the girls screams. Then two voices simultaneously shriek.  
  
_"MOM!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anyone who is ever thinking about having kids should just move in here for a week. It's the best birth control I can think of."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and playfully pushes Raven.  
  
_"I have to go deal with this before they kill each other or break the iPad...or both."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No. We said you get the day off. Rae you go figure it out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why are you sending the least capable person of the group?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because I made breakfast."_  
  
Raven groans.  
  
_"Fine. But if one of them loses a limb or something I'm not responsible."_  
  
Raven walks out of the room and heads for the screaming.  
  
_"Please don't let them lose a limb!"_  
  
Clarke screams after her. Her and Octavia laugh. Octavia also gets off the bed and walks towards Clarke.  
  
_"I should go shower."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you okay? And I mean...really okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I'm not, but I still have to shower and go to work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is it Lexa?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's so many things O. I'm having nightmares a lot. He's calling my name and I can't get to him. I can never save him."_

Clarke runs her fingers over her eyes. She exhales loudly as she attempts to shake the mental snapshots her nightmares leave behind and runs her hand through her hair.  
  
_"I can't even imagine. If anything happened to Liana or Lukas I couldn't do what you've done. I'd never get out of bed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Most days I don't want to, but if I didn't then it would be worse. I have the girls to think about."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you going to talk to Lexa?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Trying to talk to Lexa is all I do O. I miss her. I fucking miss her so much. Sometimes I feel like I lost both of them that day. I have to give her time and hope she can get back to being who she was or then I actually did lose both of them. I don't think I could do_ **that** _. Losing her too would probably be my breaking point. That's why I have to be patient with her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I get it. I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We haven't had sex since the day before he died. Not once. Four months O. We couldn't go four days before and now she barely lets me touch her. I miss that. Not even the sex itself, just...being close to her. I miss Lexa and she hasn't gone anywhere. She’s right here. I miss her and I see her every day."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wish I could fix it for you."_  
  
_"I wish I hadn't dropped him off."_  
  
Clarke sighs.  
  
_"You couldn't have known."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No one could have."_  
  
Clarke pauses to think about divulging the information she’s been withholding from everyone.  
  
_"The detectives told me Lexa had been receiving threats. It wasn't the first time. I didn’t know about the last ones, but I knew about the ones before. It happened often with different cases. Maybe we just got too comfortable with them. When they got really bad, she always made sure the girls and I had protection. I don't think she ever considered getting any for herself. I think about the fact that maybe that could've stopped them. Or that they could've gotten help sooner and Jake would still be here. I think about all of it a lot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't torture yourself with what ifs."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. It beats doing nothing though."_  
  
Clarke looks as if she's about to cry again. Octavia pulls her in for a hug and Clarke holds onto her like a lifeline. After some long seconds she finally speaks.  
  
_"I really need to go shower."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_

Octavia pulls away.

 _"I'll go make sure Raven hasn’t tied them to their beds and then get them fed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_  
  
Octavia smiles at Clarke.  
  
_"I know you'd do the same."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I would."_  
  
Octavia walks away from Clarke and leaves the room.  
  
Clarke is left alone for the first time that morning. It's her birthday and she never thought she would spend any of them like this. She doesn't feel thirty six. Not even close to it. She feels like she's aged a couple hundred years in the past few months. She doesn't let her thoughts distract her for too long. She heads for the bathroom and closes the door behind her.

* * *

Clarke moves robotically through the rest of her morning routine and then her day at work. The concern over Lexa’s whereabouts don’t allow her to concentrate on much. The temperature dropped significantly as the day progressed and knowing she left with nothing more than her keys is making Clarke sick to her stomach.

Clarke eventually gets off work and when she arrives at the apartment she finds Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, the rest of their friends and their respective kids all waiting for her. Clarke secretly holds on to the hope that Lexa will show up at some point. Lexa never does.

* * *

Lexa walks back into the apartment after midnight. It's dark and quiet. The warmth of it was a great alternative to the wintry weather she'd been feeling outside all day. She puts her keys back on the hook and heads for her office.  
  
Lexa carefully opens her office door to stop it from creaking and steps inside. She reaches her desk and clicks on the dim lamp. The room is softly illuminated. That is when Lexa notices she’s not alone. The last thing Lexa was expecting to see tonight was Clarke sitting on the small couch in the corner looking directly at her. Lexa closes her eyes and exhales loudly.  
  
_"It's late."_  
  
Clarke speaks softly but instead of replying, Lexa turns the lamp back off and trudges away from her desk. Her intentions of leaving the office are clear. Clarke hops off the couch and goes after her.  
  
_"Hey. No. Hey..."_  
  
Clarke gets to the door before Lexa does and stands between them.  
  
_"We need to talk."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't have anything to say right now Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why would you want to have a one sided conversation?"_  
  
The room is only lit by the moonlight filtering in through the windows. Clarke and Lexa are nothing more than mostly shadows to each other. Even in the partial darkness, Clarke can tell that Lexa looks anywhere but at her. Before she can stop the words from falling out, Clarke asks the question she’s been wanting to muster up the courage to ask for months.  
  
_"Do you love me?"_  
  
Clarke's voice is barely audible but she knows Lexa heard her question and the reservation in her voice because Lexa's eyes snap down to meet Clarke's.  
  
_"Lex..."_  
  
Lexa scans Clarke face intently but says nothing.  
  
_"Do you love me?"_  
  
Clarke asks again, this time with more resolve. Long moments pass. They stand in the kind of terrifying silence that made Clarke's blood run cold. The more prolonged the silence the more Clarke seriously considered the possibility that the answer she was about to get was not something she was prepared to hear. Right when Clarke was about to start panicking Lexa nods. Once. Firmly. Clarke can feel her lungs open up again.  
  
_"Can you say it? I really need to hear you say it Lex. I haven't heard it in so long."_  
  
Lexa opens and closes her mouth a few times but nothing comes out. Clarke brings her hands to cup Lexa's face.  
  
_"Say it. Out loud. Tell me."_  
  
Lexa swallows forcefully and after some short moments she finally speaks.  
  
_"I love you. I do."_  
  
Clarke swiftly relaxes. She smiles lovingly at Lexa and nods.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
In one swift motion Clarke peels her shirt off her body and carelessly throws it on the floor. Her bra joins it in the small pile straightaway. She leans up to kiss Lexa who remains stiff and cold.  
  
_"Touch me Lex.”_

Clarke searches for Lexa’s hands and moves them to her waist.

 _“Show me."_  
  
Clarke craves for Lexa to disclose all the things she wouldn’t or couldn’t say yet. Clarke needs to feel them somehow. She desperately needs to connect to Lexa again in whatever way she can.  
  
_"I'm going to wait as long as you need, but I have to know you want me to."_  
  
Lexa appraises Clarke’s face intently but doesn't move. Clarke refusing to wait for Lexa to answer, leans forward and joins their lips. The moment Lexa feels Clarke’s mouth against hers, her hands press against the milky skin of Clarke’s waist and she gives in. This time Lexa kisses her back. Tonight, Lexa is allowing herself the freedom to feel.  
  
They make love in Lexa's office twice before stumbling to their room and carrying on for a few more hours before they fall asleep sweaty, sticky, and spent. Lexa didn't say much of anything the rest of the night, but her hands spoke the words her mouth were not able to verbalize and Clarke was satisfied with what they communicated. That night was enough to remind Clarke that Lexa was alive. It cemented that Lexa was still hers. It renewed Clarke's confidence in the fact that all she had to do was wait and she would get her wife back.

Before long Clarke's confidence would yet again falter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	13. Mid February 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**Mid February 2017**

_"That should've been inadmissible."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm aware. I'm well aware but Nia allowed it to be introduced and now we have to deal with it."_  
  
Lexa is frustrated. More than she's ever been with a case in a long time.  
  
NYPD's Organized Crime managed to place an undercover officer deeply infiltrated into the Lucchese operation. The detectives had been amassing information for close to two years before they came to the District Attorney’s Office with what they believed was a solid case. Indra took one look at the files and agreed. She set up a meeting with all the ADAs from Major Crimes and informed them of the development. Everything indicated that their strongest case at the moment was against Carlo Gagliano. He was one of the Lucchese's top enforcers and their goal was to convict him on hundreds of counts of various severity degrees. The lengthy list included robbery, drug trafficking, human trafficking, smuggling, contract killing, assault, extortion, and an endless string of murders amongst other things. They were hoping a sweeping conviction across most counts with the agreement of a reduced sentence would be leverage enough to get Gagliano to turn on the people above him. In any conventional case this could've gone to the Major Gangs division of the Manhattan DA’s Office, but because of the laundry list of charges and the fact that their more solid evidence was in relation to a handful of murders Gagliano could be tied to in the early 2000s, Indra wanted this to be handled by Major Crimes.  
  
Using Gagliano to convict a single - or several - of the heads of one of the Five Families from the Cosa Nostra was their big picture play. Right now they had to focus on the case at hand though and that one wasn't looking good for them. Particularly not for Lexa.  
  
During the initial meeting Indra made it clear that she wouldn't force anyone to lead the case. Dealing with the Mafia came with very real risks and Indra wasn't the kind of boss to force that on any of her people. Not for a case like this. Not for a case that required someone dedicated and unfazed by what they'd be up against. Everyone shied away from volunteering for this prosecution team except for Lexa and the other "rookie" of the team: Nicholas Dillane.  
  
Those two were green. Too green. Neither of them had yet tried a prominent case. Nothing that would draw this level of attention or scrutiny by the media and the city. Indra knew this. She also knew they were the new kids who were thirsty to prove their worth. Throughout the years Indra learned that sometimes was more valuable than anything. Much to the chagrin and lambasting of the more seasoned attorneys around them, Indra gave Woods and Dillane the case with the caveat that a third person with more experience round up the team. Lexa and Nick agreed to those conditions without hesitation. Indra made Lexa the lead prosecutor and convinced Madison Dickens - one of her most trusted ADAs - to join the team as third chair and they got to work.  
  
That was ten months ago. For ten months they've been juggling whatever other cases they were assigned to while they put this monster together. They are now on the fifth day of trial and they're getting viciously pummeled by the defense. Not that anyone was expecting anything different. The Lucchese's hired one of the best law firms in the city to defend Gagliano and as foreseen they were playing every dirty trick in the book. The trio of prosecutors was being outwitted and overpowered at every turn. That was strike one for the prosecution. They were also unlucky enough to have ended up in Judge Nia's courtroom. Nia had a reputation for disliking female counsels. Rumor was she thought them emotional and weak. This team was made up of mostly women. They were certainly at a disadvantage on that front. That was strike two. They were one mishap away from watching this case unravel in front of their very eyes and that might have happened today.  
  
_"How did they get that tape?"_  
  
Nick throws his pen across the table and it barely misses Madison. She offers him a dirty look and he raises his hand as an apology. The three of them are sitting around the table of the conference room they've turned into their command center with folders open over every surface and boxes of evidence stacked high against the corners.  
  
_"I don't know. I don't know but that's not what we need to be focusing on right now. We need to figure out how to lessen the damage."_  
  
Lexa scans the enormous cork board they've covered with pictures, notes, and scans of all the connections to the heads of the family and breakdown of the evidence the have readily available. This is the best summary of the case there is and no one knows or understands it like Lexa.  
  
_"They have Atom on tape not only being a fucking racist when Gagliano happens to be half black but he's also pretty much admitting to having planted evidence before."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I heard the tape too Nick. I know what it says."_  
  
Lexa tells him matter of factly as she moves closer to the board and zeroes in on one of the photos.  
  
_"So what then? What's the play?"_  
  
Nick asks irritated at Lexa's snide tone. Lexa's too focused to care. Her brain fires quickly. She was always good on her feet. It's why she's formidable during trial and why her cross examining skills are envied by many lesser lawyers. Lexa can cling to the smallest detail and turn it into something devastating for the defense. The moment she recognized a weak link on that board, she began concocting a plan. She stands in silence with her arms crossed scrutinizing a picture for minutes on end until her thoughts are in order. When Lexa believes she has enough of a grasp on their new approach she unpins the picture from the board and faces Nick and Madison.  
  
_"Two things. First. Subpoena Casso. Get him on the stand."_  
  
Lexa slides Nick a picture of Anselmo Casso, the Lucchese's street boss.  
  
_"We have nothing on him. What the hell are we going to get him on the stand for?"_

Nick looks at Lexa deeply confused.  
  
_"They don't know that. They can't prepare him for what they don't know we have."_

Lexa confidently sits at the head of the long conference table with a smug smirk on her face. _  
_ _  
_ _"They don’t what we have because we have nothing on him Woods!"_  
  
_"Atom says he's an anxiety basket case these days. He’s paranoid. I can break him. We might have something after I'm done cross-examining him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This is insane."_  
  
Nick turns to Madison looking for support. Madison has made it a point to let it be known that she was mostly there to keep an eye on them and make sure they didn't do anything **_too_ ** stupid. She didn't think this one required her intervention...yet.  
  
_"What's two? You said two things."_  
  
Madison ignores Nick and addresses Lexa.  
  
_"We pull apart Atom's life. Get as many Blacks, Latinos, Asians, Middle Easterns, and anyone remotely not white vouching for him. I want to hear how great of a guy he is. I want to know when he helped his Indian neighbors bring the groceries inside. I want to know when he smiled at the Korean old lady from the store. I want to know how much he loved his Cuban ex-girlfriend. Whatever it is find it and get affidavits on all of it. We need to drown out the implications that he's a racist or even slightly biased against Gagliano. Once we're done with that we find everyone he was fair to as an officer. Start all the way back to when he was a beat cop. He's supposed to have a clean record. Let's prove it and put to rest the tampering and planting accusations."_  
  
Nick grows agitated.

 _"Woods this is a few months worth of work. At least."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You have five days._ **Maybe** _a week."_  
  
_"How the hell am I supposed to make that happen?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wake up all the interns. Get them here. Atom too. Get him to tell you his entire life story. Once he's done make him repeat it five more times. Anything that's relevant pass it down to the interns for follow up and get me those affidavits."_  
  
Lexa speaks nonchalantly as if the things she’s asking for are routine.

 _"We have three interns. Even if they don't sleep for the next week this is impossible."_  
  
_"Tell Indra we need to borrow a few more from other departments for a week. She'll approve it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're out of your fucking mind Lexa. You are. This can't be done."_  
  
Lexa has become aggravated at the constant second-guessing. She keenly stares Nick down.  
  
_"Are you going to sit there and tell me it can't be done or are you going to put your time to better use and make it happen? Right now this is our only choice to turn this around. Do it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Madison...come on."_ Nick tries to get Madison to pitch in for a change. _"You can't be on board with this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you have a better plan?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's sending me on a wild goose chase! It's a waste of time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm going to take that as a "No, Madison I don't have a better plan." Woods' thing is a long shot but it's our only play at the moment. I'm with her."_ _  
_  
Nick scoffs and forcefully closes the folder in front of him.  
  
_"Unfuckingreal."_  
  
Nick gets up from his chair, collects his blazer, and whatever else in his immediate vicinity before stomping towards the door.  
  
_"I'm telling Indra you're fucking crazy. You're going to cost us the case."_  
  
Nick slams the door behind him. Lexa stands and turns back to dissect the information tacked onto the board across from her.  
  
_"Men are so fragile."_  
  
Madison laughs before getting up and fetching all of her stuff. Lexa keeps her eyes glued on the board with her brain working overtime to see what other connections and avenues to win she's missing.  
_  
_ _"I'm out. You coming?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head no.  
  
_"I'm going to go over today's testimony one more time and see if we missed something."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Go home Lexa. I know you got here before we all did this morning and I could bet $5 everyone but us is gone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Thanks. Good night."_  
  
Lexa says dismissive without taking her eyes off the board. Madison shakes her head and leaves the room.  
  
_"Night."_  
  
Lexa doesn't answer. She picks apart that board for an hour. She's trying to find Casso's weak spot. Within 40 minutes she has six pages worth of handwritten notes of possible ways to get him to crack on the stand. She needs to expand on each of those points because even though she doesn't quite know which will do the job, she definitely knows one of them will. When she's done with Casso for the night, she then spends another three hours going over the testimony and evidence that were presented earlier that day.

Lexa ignores the rumbling in her stomach and the dryness of her mouth that serve as continuous reminders that she hasn't eaten at all that day or had anything to drink for hours. To Lexa those are just minor distractions and she has too much to do to pay them any attention. She stays in that conference room reading and taking notes until her contacts start to burn inside her eyes. That's usually when she caves and admits it's time to head home.

* * *

Clarke sits on the couch and sings while fifteen month old Costia tries to babble along as she alternates between softly jumping all over the cushions and tapping Clarke's seven and a half month pregnant belly.  
  
_"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes."_  
  
Clarke had found _The Sound Of Music_ on TV earlier as they were mindlessly surfing channels. The soundtrack was now stuck in her head and she'd been singing it for hours, particularly trying to get Costia to sleep. Evidently she wasn't having much success at that.  
  
_"Silver white winters that melt into springs. These are a few of my favorite things."_  
  
Costia looks at Clarke and tries to unsuccessfully hum along with what she's singing which makes Clarke smile. She begins to gently poke her finger all over Costia's torso. The baby laughs and shrieks as she tries to avoid the tickly feeling with her tiny hands. Clarke was so engrossed with the baby that she'd failed to notice Lexa standing at the entrance of the living room watching them.  
  
Lexa had come home cranky. She had many reasons to be, mainly being that she expected Clarke and the baby to be sleeping because it was past 11pm. They'd both been asleep when she left that morning and she expected to find them the same way. She was crabby because she's been missing her girls. She hasn't seen very much of them since the trial started the week before. Her bad mood melted away almost instantly as she walked up the the apartment though. She could hear Clarke singing from just outside the door and immediately smiled. Lexa figured she'd find Clarke painting in the living room, but what she walked into was even better. Lexa was pleasantly surprised to find Costia sitting on Clarke's lap mumbling along as they both "sang" to Clarke's tummy. Lexa could honestly cry watching this. Matter of fact, she's trying her hardest not to. This is everything Lexa ever wanted in life and she sometimes has a hard time believing it's real.  
  
Lexa shifts her weight causing the board under her to squeak. Clarke's eyes shoot up. She smiles warmly when she sees her dapper wife standing there with her messy hair, holding the blazer of her two toned grey suit, and looking mighty fine in that fitted blue shirt.  
  
_"You're home."_  
  
The baby is still too engaged talking gibberish to Clarke's stomach to have noticed Lexa in the room.  
  
_"Hey Cos. Momma's here."_  
  
Clarke taps the baby to get her attention and points towards the front door. Costia's turns to find out what Clarke is pointing at and her eyes light up when she sees Lexa. Lexa's face beams when her eyes meet the baby's.  
  
_"Mama!"_  
  
Costia slides off the couch in a flash and barrels towards Lexa trying to get to her as fast as her short, stubby legs will allow her to. Lexa squats down to the baby’s height to greet her with open arms. The little girl slams against Lexa's chest and Lexa covers the small body with kisses as soon as Costia reaches her. Costia giggles as she tightly wraps her arms around Lexa. Lexa stands back up with the baby hanging from her neck.  
  
_"What are you doing up so late bunny?"_  
  
Costia manages to babble something that sort of sounds like _"we were singing to the baby."_  
  
_"Yeah I saw that. It sounded beautiful."_  
  
Lexa walks up to the couch where her very pregnant wife sits and plops down next to her. Lexa rests her head back on the couch and turns it sideways to find Clarke looking at her adoringly. Clarke leans in to kiss her saving her from having to move. Lexa hums as their lips meet. Clarke brings her hand to Lexa’s cheek as her tongue darts out to explore the inside of Lexa’s mouth for the first time today. They kiss slow and lovingly until Costia's small hands try to pry them apart.  
  
_"No momma."_  
  
Costia always got wildly jealous if they kissed for too long in front of her. She hated not being the center of attention at all times and she constantly made sure they were aware. They both laughed at her efforts every time.  
  
_"Hi."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi."_  
  
Lexa replies before turning to give Costia kisses to assure her they still love her very much.  
  
_"I saw the news."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah..."_  
  
Lexa trails off.  
  
_"Is it that bad?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're losing right now. They kept bringing in evidence that wasn't presented to us during discovery and Nia kept allowing it. That tape wasn't even the worst of it. Witness stories are changing drastically from the original depositions. I'm almost positive they're bribing or intimidating people, but I have no way to prove it yet."_  
  
Lexa thinks for a beat going over the situation.  
  
_"I'm not going to let that guy walk. No way."_  
  
Clarke pulls Lexa closer and Lexa nuzzles deep into Clarke’s neck. Costia cuddles into both of them as she jabbers trying to get their attention.  
  
_"I know you won't."_  
  
Lexa hums into her.  
  
_"Why are you guys up so late?"_  
  
Lexa kisses Clarke’s pulse point before moving away to hold Costia up to her face. Lexa presses her lips to blow against the fluffy baby belly making a funny sound that Costia snickers loudly at.  
  
_"We napped for much longer than we should have this afternoon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ah...quite jealous of that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be. I woke up just as tired and she woke up with the energy of five kids. Didn't you Cos?"_  
  
Clarke pokes Costia's tummy and the baby devolves into a flailing giggle fit.  
  
_"I was trying to sing her to sleep but she decided the baby needed serenading better and we were doing that when you walked in."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It was a great thing to come home to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah?"_  
  
Clarke softly pecks her wife's lips. Lexa nods and closes her eyes.  
  
_"You're tired."_  
  
Lexa nods again.  
  
_"Mama sweep?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah momma needs to sleep baby. Maybe we should get you to bed so she can rest."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No!"_  
  
Costia holds on to Lexa's neck. Lexa smiles without opening her eyes.  
  
_"It's fine. I feel like I haven't seen you guys in forever. This is all I need right now."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's forehead and Costia's before she does her best to stand up off the couch without asking for Lexa’s help. Lexa opens her eyes and turns to look at her.  
  
_"Where are you going?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"To warm up your dinner. I’ve been with you long enough to know you lied earlier when you said you'd eaten. I made you something."_  
  
Lexa smiles because her wife sure is a goddamn gift.  
  
_"I got it. Stay here."_  
  
Lexa tries to get up and Clarke pushes her back into the couch.  
  
_"You stay right there. I mean it."_  
  
Clarke orders and Lexa laughs at Clarke's attempt to mother her but at the moment she was too tired to bicker and lets it slide.  
  
_"Ok."_  
  
Clarke begins to walk away.  
  
_"I love you Griffin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you more Woods."_  
  
Clarke replies as she disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
_"What did you two get up to today?"_  
  
Lexa asks and Costia goes off on a mostly nonsensical and unintelligible baby talk rant in response. Lexa nods and hums for a bit before resting her head back and closing her eyes.

* * *

Clarke was only gone for a handful of minutes but by the time she walks back out with Lexa's food she was sound asleep. Sure enough, Costia was wide awake and still blubbering away. Clarke put the food down on the table and whispered.  
  
_"Cos. I think Momma fell asleep."_  
  
Costia turns to look at Lexa and promptly pokes one of her eyes forcefully enough that it should've woken Lexa up. Luckily, Lexa was too tired to even feel it.  
  
_"No! Cos. Come on. Let her sleep. Come here."_  
  
Clarke opens her arms hoping the infant will come to her without much noise. She's relieved when the baby actually does. Costia is getting too big and she's definitely too pregnant, but Clarke manages to pick her up and walks towards Costia's room.  
  
_"Momma is asleep and mommy is tired. That means it's bed time."_ _  
__  
__"No!"_ _  
__  
__"Costia, please. It's almost midnight."_ _  
__  
__"No sweep mama."_ _  
__  
__"Yeah well, I do want to so come on."_  
  
Costia begins to pout as Clarke puts her down in her crib.  
  
_"Look, even Pauna is tired."_  
  
Clarke hands Costia her favorite monkey toy.  
  
_"Poona no sweep."_ _  
__  
__"He is tired. He just told me."_ _  
__  
__"No. No sweep mama."_

Clarke attempts to get Costia to lay flat on her back and cover her with her blanket but Costia sits back up and extends her arms asking to be held. _  
__  
__"Cos, please. I’m not Lexa. I’m not going to argue with a one year old. Just...sleep."_  
  
Costia flails her arms and when Clarke doesn't move to pick her up she gets teary eyed. Clarke recognizes that she's two seconds away from a crying fit. The last thing she wants is to wake Lexa up with Costia's wailing. Clarke decides to pick Costia up from the crib and head for the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery. She lays Costia down on her lap, unbuttons her shirt, undoes her nursing bra, and attempts to nurse her in the hopes that this will finally get her to sleep. Costia immediately latches on. Less than five minutes later Clarke is also sound asleep but Costia is still as awake as ever.  
  
_"Mama."_  
  
Costia mumbles still with a mouthful of boob.  
  
_"Mama."_  
  
Costia pokes her but Clarke is too exhausted. She doesn't wake up. Costia wiggles out from her arms, slides off her lap, and walks out of the room taking her adventure buddy Pauna with her.

* * *

Lexa has repositioned herself on the couch in her sleep. She is now laying back fully horizontal and gently snoring. Costia looks at her and walks in her direction. She then remembers Lexa didn't wake up before and changes course. She goes for the only other playing option she has. The dog.  
  
Fish was sleeping in the corner of the living room next to the couch. Costia plops down in front of him. He opens one eye to assess the noise and realizes who it is so he closes it back again. Fish is not interested. He's too tired to deal with her too but Costia keeps poking him and pulling on his ears until he has no option but to be awake. He gives her a frustrated look but licks her hand anyway. Costia giggles.  
  
_"Pway Fish."_  
  
That was all Fish needed to hear to be fully awake. There is nothing a one year old puppy loves to do more than play. That sounds like a great plan to him. Within a second he's on his feet and briskly wagging his tail. Costia takes off running and he follows.  
  
They roughhouse around the small dining area and the kitchen for a few minutes until Costia spots his ball in a corner and decides to start throwing it. Costia tosses it around the kitchen a couple times. Then it rolls out to the living room. The two naturally move out there. She hurls it around a handful of times and he brings it back. Costia flings it one last time to the opposite side of the living room. Fish chases after it but he was going too fast and he inevitably slides down the wooden floor without being able to stop himself. The dog runs full force into one of the legs of the tall, long, and narrow console table that was topped with pictures, artwork, some of Lexa’s mock trial trophies, and one of Clarke’s art show awards. The speed at which he rammed into the console causes it to rattle and the things on top of it wobble. One of the glass awards resting near the front edge topples over and falls off shattering thunderously on impact as it hits the ground.  
  
Lexa bolts awake in the living room and so does Clarke in the nursery. Costia's face changes. She reckons that she's about to be in trouble and before Lexa can see her she runs in the direction of the kitchen.  
  
Lexa looks around and spots the dog amongst the glass looking guilty just as Clarke walks out into the living room.  
  
_"What happened? Are you okay?"_  
  
Lexa nods and rubs her eyes.  
  
_"I'm fine but he's moving out tomorrow."_  
  
Lexa points at the pup who whimpers remorseful. Clarke rolls her eyes because Lexa threatens to kick the dog out every other day for one reason or another. At this point it's more routine than truth.  
  
_"Sure. Ok. Fish, what did you do?"_  
  
Clarke turns to the pup and the dog can't even make eye contact as he hides in the corner.  
  
_"Did Cos wake up with the noise?"_ _  
__  
__"Costia...she..."_  
  
In that moment Clarke remembers she fell asleep with Costia in her arms. She waddles as quickly as her now heavier body allows back to the nursery but doesn't see the baby in the crib.  
  
_"Cos? Costia?"_  
  
Clarke looks around the nursery and can't spot her. She hurries back to the living room.  
  
_"She wasn't out here?"_ _  
__  
__"What do you mean?"_ _  
__  
__"She's not in her crib. I was feeding her and I think I feel asleep. She's not in there."_ _  
__  
__"Cos."_  
  
Lexa scopes out every inch of the space. Nothing.  
  
_"Check our room."_  
  
Lexa walks to the front door then the kitchen then the dining area. When she can’t easily spot the baby she opens all the lower cupboards and the pantry.  
  
_"Costia."_  
  
They each say as they look around in different parts of the apartment. Neither of them get an answer.  
  
_"Costia."_  
  
Lexa calls again as Clarke finds Lexa in the kitchen.  
  
_"Lex she's not in our room."_ _  
__  
__"Costia."_  
  
Lexa opens the closet in the hallway and shuffles everything in the lower shelves around.  
  
_"Lex..."_  
  
Clarke’s face shows real concern and there’s a slight panic in her voice. Lexa returns to the kitchen and Clarke follows.  
  
_"Check the cabinets on that side."_  
  
Lexa starts opening all the kitchen drawers Costia could reach even though it is obvious she couldn't fit in there. Clarke does as she's told but finds nothing.  
  
_"Lexa..."_  
  
Lexa can hear Clarke starting to truly panic. She walks over to Clarke and tenderly cups her face.  
  
_"The door is locked from the inside. The chain and the latch are on. Ok? It was the first thing I checked. No one got in and she didn't get out."_  
  
Clarke doesn't reply but Lexa can see the fear in her eyes.  
  
_"Clarke...she's in here somewhere. She's okay."_ _  
__  
__"I fell asleep Lexa."_  
  
Clarke's voice is overflowing with guilt and she is on the verge of tears.  
  
_"I fell asleep too. This wasn't on you."_  
  
Lexa moves her thumbs over Clarke's cheeks trying to soothe her.  
  
_"But..."_ _  
__  
__"But nothing. Did you look in her closet?"_  
  
Clarke shakes her head no.  
  
_"Ok. Look in there. She’s either hiding or she fell asleep somewhere."_  
  
Clarke doesn't move. Lexa kisses her.  
  
_"Hey. She's in here. She's fine. Go. I'll look out here again."_  
  
Lexa gives her a gentle push and Clarke moves to the back of the apartment.  
  
_"Costia, it's not a game anymore. Where are you?"_  
  
Lexa checks in places where Costia could never be like under the couch and behind book cases. She goes out to the balcony. She checks all cabinets and drawers for a second time. Costia is nowhere. Just as she's about done with the front of the apartment, Clarke walks back into the kitchen with eyes brimming with tears threatening to spill and shaking her head no.  
  
_"She's not back there Lexa."_  
  
Lexa still has the laundry room to check again. She walks past Clarke and heads in there. She calls Costia's name as she pulls out the dirty laundry from hampers, checks all the bins, and anywhere else she thinks Costia could even remotely be. Nothing.  
  
Clarke walks into the laundry room after Lexa and Lexa can tell she's right on the verge of full blown panic.  
  
_"Costia!"_  
  
Lexa runs her hands through her hair and her eyes commit to a thorough scan of the room. That's when she notices the door to the dryer ever so slightly ajar. She squeezes past Clarke and moves towards the machine. She yanks it open. Almost perfectly camouflaged amongst the clothes that are in there waiting to be folded and sitting in the back of the dark and cramped space is Costia. She is calmly sucking her thumb and holding onto Pauna. Lexa reaches in and pulls her out.  
  
_"Why didn't you answer?! If your mom or I call you answer. Every time. And you never hide from us. Ever. Are we clear?!"_  
  
Lexa was suddenly livid and spoke sternly at the baby. That was the kind of stern tone Lexa reserved for the courtroom and for criminals but one she never used at home. Costia looks between her and Clarke. She notices neither of them found it funny and she starts to get upset.  
  
_"Are we clear?!"_  
  
Costia begins to weep. Clarke walks over and takes the crying baby from Lexa and holds her tight.  
  
_"Shhh."_  
  
Clarke rubs circles on Costia's back. Lexa stands in the middle of the room visibly upset. She's breathing heavily and biting on her bottom lip.  
  
_"Lex..."_  
  
Clarke walks up to her wife. She holds the baby with one arm and places her free hand on Lexa's chest.  
  
_"You found her. She's fine."_  
  
Lexa refuses to look at her.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Clarke readjusts the crying baby in her arms and moves her hand up to the back of Lexa's neck gently caressing her.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Lexa finally makes eye contact with her and the façade of confidence Clarke saw earlier has vanished. Lexa is genuinely terrified.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
Lexa pulls both of them close.  
  
_"She's okay. She was hiding like you said. She's safe Lexa."_ _  
__  
__"What if she hadn't been? What if someone had taken her?"_  
  
Clarke pushes Lexa away to better look at her and the moment their eyes meet Clarke knows there is more behind Lexa's fear than an unnecessarily tense game of hide and seek.  
  
_"Taken her?"_ _  
__  
__"There's something I haven't told you Clarke."_  
  
Lexa also begins to rub circles on Costia's back trying to soothe the sobbing baby.  
  
_"Ok?"_ _  
__  
__"A few weeks ago I got a phone call. It was a threat. The number was untraceable so I didn't take it seriously at first. Thought it was just someone doing a bad prank. Then letters started coming to the office. Days later one of them was slid under our front door. They were trying to make me botch the case. They said they would hurt you if I didn't. The same day they came here I arranged for protection. There's a car parked outside at all times. There's been people watching you around the clock for weeks no matter where you go."_ _  
__  
__"I'm being followed?!"_ _  
__  
__"You're being kept safe."_ _  
__  
__"Lexa, what? Why didn't you tell me before?"_ _  
__  
__"I didn't want to worry you."_ _  
__  
__"You don't keep things like this from me. Not ever. Especially not if it involves our family. Understood?"_  
  
Clarke speaks seriously. Lexa looks at her and nods.  
_  
__"Are we safe?"_ _  
__  
__"I made sure you were never assigned rookies. You have some of the best cops in the city looking after you."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa digesting the information.  
  
_"Then nail that guy. Put him away for a long time. They don't get to threaten us and get away with it."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."_  
  
_"You need to talk to me Lexa. Please."_  
  
Clarke surveys Lexa's eyes.  
  
_"I'm trying."_ _  
__  
__"I know."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa to soothe her and make it clear she’s not upset. Lexa rests her forehead against Clarke's.  
  
_"I'm tired."_  
  
Lexa whispers.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
Clarke pulls her out of the laundry room and towards their bedroom.

* * *

Clarke guided the three of them into the small master bedroom. The same bedroom they'd been living in for years. The same that seemed to be shrinking as Costia grew older and that would probably feel even smaller once the new baby got here. Clarke sets Costia on the bed and focuses her attention on Lexa.  
  
Lexa was on edge. Now that she'd allowed herself to think about Clarke or the kids getting hurt, the terror she felt was paralyzing. Her breathing was shallow, she was pale, and her skin felt cold and clammy.  
  
_"Baby look at me."_  
  
Lexa connects her eyes with Clarke’s. In them Clarke can see there's a million things buzzing through Lexa's head and not a single one of them is good.  
  
_"Lexa. Look."_ Clarke points at the infant who sits behind her on the bed playing with her stuffed animal. _"She's okay._ **You** _found her."_  
  
_"What if I hadn't? What if she'd gotten hurt? What if I..."_  
  
Clarke puts her hand over Lexa's mouth.  
  
_"Stop. You did and she didn't."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"I trust you Lex. I know you'd never let anything happen to her or me or..."_ Clarke brings Lexa's hand to her stomach. _“...this one. We're okay. You said it yourself. You made sure we got the best people._ **You** _also did that. There's nothing to worry about. At least not tonight."_ _  
_  
Clarke begins to carefully and slowly unbutton Lexa's shirt. Lexa can't take her eyes off Clarke while she does. When all the buttons are open Clarke slides her shirt off her shoulder. Once it's in her hands she carelessly throws it over the dresser. Lexa, in her eternal need for tidiness, makes to grab it and hang it as it should.  
  
_"That doesn't..."_  
  
Clarke keeps Lexa where she is and places her hand over Lexa's mouth again.  
  
_"Shhh. The world won't end if you leave that there for the night."_  
  
When Clarke is sure Lexa won't protest she moves her hands to Lexa's pants.  
  
_"I can do this myself, you kn..."_  
  
Clarke places her hand on Lexa's mouth again.  
  
_"Shhh. Stop. You never know when to let things simply happen."_  
  
Clarke scolds her with her eyes and when she feels Lexa's mouth form a smile against her hand she moves it and goes back to dealing with Lexa's belt.  
  
_"You're difficult."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So you've been saying for more than seven years yet you're still here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How could I not be?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Exactly."_  
  
Clarke adds smugly as Lexa's pants slide down to her ankles.  
  
_"You're going to have to get those because if I can't even see my own feet anymore then I definitely can not reach yours."_  
  
Lexa laughs, steps out of her pants, neatly folds them, and holds them in her hand.  
  
_"I'd go put them away but I don't want to get into trouble."_  
  
Lexa smiles at Clarke playfully.  
  
_"Put them on the dresser."_  
  
Lexa does as she's told. Once she is down to her boxers and sports bra Clarke takes her by the hand and guides her to the bed. She pulls back the covers and makes Lexa sit.  
  
_"I ha..."_  
  
Lexa begins to talk but Clarke looks at her and raises her eyebrows trying to make a point. Lexa leans back onto the bed without protest.  
  
_"Good."_  
  
Lexa chuckles at Clarke's bossiness. Costia jumps on Lexa the instant she's in bed. The two of them begin chatting as Clarke gets out of her sweats. Clarke turns off the light and slides into bed with the two of them.  
  
_"Cos, it's bed time for real now."_  
  
Clarke cuddles up close to Lexa who has the baby sitting on her chest.  
  
_"I don't think she has plans to sleep anytime soon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well too bad, because she's about to."_  
  
Clarke grabs the baby and lays her down between the two of them. Costia tries to get up but Clarke throws her arm over her.  
  
_"No. Bed time."_  
  
The baby wants to fuss but Lexa turns and lays her arm over her soft stomach too. Costia looks between her mothers and calms down. She brings her thumb up to her mouth and sucks on it as she pats the two arms keeping her flat on the mattress. They lay in silence for a while and their breaths begin to even out until Costia's voice interrupts that.  
  
_"Mama."_  
  
Clarke groans frustrated.  
  
_"Cos. Sleep."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Kiss mama."_  
  
Lexa laughs at her daughter's cleverness. They'd forgotten an integral part of their bedtime routine and Costia was now demanding it. How can she go to sleep without her good night kisses? Lexa gives her a popping, wet kiss on the cheek.  
  
_"Good night bug. I love you even though you're trouble like your mom."_  
  
Clarke kisses the baby as well.  
  
_"Night Cos. I love you even though you're just as stubborn as your mom."_  
  
Lexa chuckles at Clarke's attempt to fire back at her. Costia, now satisfied, begins to doze off. Clarke and Lexa are about to join her when Clarke speaks.  
  
_"I know you'd never let anything happen to us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wouldn't."_  
  
Those are the last words they speak that night. Lexa moves the hand that rested on a now sleeping Costia to Clarke's stomach. Clarke covers Lexa's hand with hers. They fall asleep quickly after. The three of them sleep through the night holding each other tightly.

* * *

When Clarke woke up the next morning Lexa was already off somewhere trying to save the world. Clarke walks out into the kitchen with a sleepy baby on her hip and discovers that Lexa somehow made the time to go on a breakfast run. On the table there's a display of delicious looking food from the French bakery a few blocks away.  At the center of it, a card.

_"Asked your mom to babysit tonight. Pick you up for dinner at 7. Give Cos a kiss from me. I love you. -L"_

Clarke kisses the side of the baby's head as she was asked.  
  
_"Your momma is kind of the best Cos."_  
  
Clarke smiles thinking of the night ahead. Clarke understood Lexa was trying to be better about splitting her time between the office and home. Knowing that Lexa made an effort to get them alone time while she was in the middle of a momentous trial in her career was definite proof that she was consciously working on getting that balance right even in the midst of the chaos. It let Clarke know that Lexa might not always say it, but that family was a priority to Lexa.

* * *

Three weeks after the tape debacle the jury sentences the Lucchese's enforcer to life without the possibility of parole. By any standards this was an impressive win for a young ADA that no one actually believed could get very far going up against one of the biggest groups in Organized Crime. With this win Lexa starts to build what would eventually become a stellar reputation as New York's best and most feared prosecutor.  
  
The DA's office buzzed for weeks as a result of this case. Lexa had not only buried Gagliano, but after she eviscerated Casso on the stand they seemed to have enough to open a serious inquiry into him as well. Casso had more information than Gagliano could ever offer. Lexa saw a golden opportunity for another win. She wanted to start to chip away at this organized crime monolith piece by piece and Casso was the next step in that process. Casso knew it and the mob knew it. It's why he turned up floating down the Hudson a few days later with more holes than a piece of swiss cheese. At that moment it became personal for Lexa. She was going to bring them down and Gagliano was just the first domino she knocked on that pyramid.  
  
Lucky for them, Lexa didn't have much time to focus on how to strike them next. A few days after Casso turns up dead baby Anya decides to make an unexpected and early entrance into the world. Lexa held her new baby girl for the first time and work instantaneously vanished from her mind.

Lexa didn't think about the Luccheses for a while, but they sure had her eye on her. She had no idea that conviction had cemented the first name on the ever growing list of enemies she amassed through the years. That win was responsible of setting off a chain reaction that would eventually cost her the thing she cared about most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	14. August 13, 2033

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a 10.6k beast. Definitely the longest chapter so far. I have a feeling those of you who wanted to know more about Jake/Lexa will enjoy it. I hope.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**August 13, 2033**

_"Here mommy!"_  
  
Aden darts into the kitchen holding his brightly colored backpack in one hand and his sword on the other with his face covered in black paint that seems to be dripping down his face. Clarke stops packing the cooler she was working on to grab the bag the three and change year old is offering.  
  
_"Thank you. That can't come with though."_  
  
Clarke points at the sword without even acknowledging the mess on his face. Lately she's trying a new approach to parenting. It took her five kids and a lot of frustration, but she finally discovered that she can't be mad at things if she doesn't ask questions.

Aden scrunches up his face. 

 _"Mommy that's my sword."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know what it is Aden. It's not coming with us."_  
  
Clarke says definitively.  
  
_"I need my sword to fight the bad guys from the Ice People and phew poof swoosh kill them dead."_  
  
Aden moves through and around Clarke's legs making vivid sound effects as he swings the sword around.  
  
_"Aden. We're not taking it. I'm not arguing about this. Go put it back in your toy trunk and come back so you can pick the snacks you want in your bag. You have two minutes or I'm picking them for you."_  
  
Clarke had planned on leaving by noon - which was in less than an hour - and none of them were even ready yet, let alone totally packed.  
  
_"Mommy I really think the sword should come too."_  
  
Clarke was going to scold him and send him away but turns to find Aden pointing the sword at her in what she assumed he thought would be an unruly fighting stance. Unfortunately for him thanks to the long floppy hair and the huge baby belly he sported the last thing he came across as was threatening.  
  
_"Aden Nyk..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Back away from her traitor!"_  
  
A histrionic voice interrupts Clarke. Clarke looks up to find Lexa standing at the kitchen door with her face also covered in black streaky paint and holding the other one of Aden's pair of plastic swords. Aden sees Lexa and charges towards her. Lexa immediately goes on the defensive and they begin fake sword fighting in the middle of the kitchen.

Clarke walks up to the sink, wets one of the hand towels that were resting on the counter, and heads for the dueling pair. She effortlessly picks up Aden from the floor while he played and as she does he accidentally elbows Clarke in the face.  
  
_"Oh!"_  
  
Lexa yelps out when she sees the little boney elbow make contact with Clarke's cheekbone.  
  
_"That hurt."_  
  
Clarke utters unfazed as she sits the boy on the counter before beginning to wipe him clean from the black soot. He tries to wiggle away in order to go back to playing.  
  
_"Aden. Right now is really not the time. I promise you that."_  
  
Aden reads the seriousness in her voice and quits scuffling. Clarke wipes his face completely clean and lifts him off the counter.  
  
_"Your turn. Come here."_  
  
Clarke wags her finger at Lexa letting her know she should move closer.  
  
_"Really Lex?"_ Clarke cups her wife's face as she begins to wipe the black off. _"Do I want to know?"_ _  
_  
_"It's our warrior paint. We were about to fight the evil clan from the north when you asked him to bring his bag. It could cost us the battle. It was terrible timing Clarke."_  
  
Clarke wants to laugh but she contains it or else Lexa won't take her next words seriously.  
_  
_ _"Of course. How awful of me. I asked you to make sure the girls were packed and you were playing with swords instead."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're warriors mommy!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The man has a point. We were protecting the coalition. It's serious business Clarke."_  
  
Despite Clarke's best efforts to avoid it, she chuckles because Lexa sounds absolutely convinced of what she's saying. Lexa cracks a small smile and winks at Clarke. Clarke shakes her head and leans in to kiss Lexa.  
  
_"You are just as big a pain in my ass as they are."_  
  
Lexa smiles and plants a kiss on Clarke's lips.  
  
_"Can you do what I asked? Please? No swords. No battles. Just making sure that they're packed and all the bags are by the door or we're never going to leave."_  
  
Clarke's lips brush against Lexa's lips as she talks. Lexa nods.  
  
_"Ok. Then do it. We have..."_ Clarke looks at her watch. _"...Forty eight minutes until we have to be out the door."_ _  
_  
_"I had no idea I'd married a Drill Sergeant."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's Commander to you actually."_  
  
Clarke smirks before she moves back to the cooler. Lexa blushes at the mention of that nickname. Every time Clarke manages too squeeze it into conversations outside of the bedroom it's definitely...interesting. Clarke pushes Lexa away.  
  
_"Go. And take the "warrior" with you. Make sure he has extra underwear packed. I don't want to give him any excuses to walk around without it."_  
  
Lexa throws Aden over her shoulder before walking out of the kitchen while they scream and laugh.

Once they're gone and she's left alone, Clarke rests her elbows on the counter and buries her face in her hands. She's not entirely sure if she's ready for the next week but all she can do is brace and hope for the best.

* * *

Costia sits on her bed and looks around her room taking every inch of it in. In her hands she has a photo of her and Jake.  
  
Jake had just turned five in the picture. They'd gone down to Florida that summer to celebrate both his birthday and Roa's birthday at Disney. Costia had been sitting by the pool because her eyes itched from the chlorine when Clarke finally managed to convince Jake to come out of the water. She had wrapped him in a towel and the first thing he did was run over to Costia and plonk down on her lap. He gave her a big kiss and asked if he could play with her phone. Costia remembers telling him he could only if he took some pictures with her which he quickly agreed to do. She turned on her front facing camera and they made countless funny faces. Once they got tired of photos Costia handed him the device and let him play. She leaned back on the chaise lounge and he stayed on her lap enjoying himself until her legs went numb and she asked him to hop off. When they got back she had Clarke print some of the pictures they’d taken. The one she framed was her favorite from that trip, but it also might be her favorite picture of her and Jake in general. Looking at it now she’s convinced that she'd give anything to get that or any other day spent with him back.  
  
Costia sighs. He would've turned fourteen tomorrow. She looks at the picture and wonders if his voice would be deeper by now or if he'd have some embarrassingly weak facial hair or how tall he would be. She wipes her eyes to stop the tears that threatened to spill. Costia then wraps the frame in bubble wrap and secures it with tape. That was the last thing she had left to pack. She places it on top of her overflowing suitcase and tries to close it. It won't. After a few attempts it becomes evident that this is a two person job. Someone needs to sit on the suitcase while the other person zips it.  
  
_"Fuck."_  
  
Costia mutters and gets up heading for the door to try and find one of her sisters. Just as she's about to reach the door, it swings open and she has to lean back to avoid it hitting her in the face.  
  
_"Your mom sent me to check on the packing status."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Pretty much done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Everything?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Lexa starts to walk out.  
  
_"Lexa, wait."_ Costia sighs because the last person she feels like asking is Lexa, but she wants to get this over with. _"I need help."_  
  
Lexa is taken aback by the request. Things had certainly become more...civil between them, but it'd never really gotten better.  
  
In addition to Lexa's personal sessions, and her and Clarke's couple's therapy, they were also going to group family therapy now. Costia calling Lexa by her first name had come up more than once but ultimately they had decided it would be best to not push it and let it revert naturally whenever Costia felt ready. If she ever did. So far, it hadn't. Costia only talked to Lexa when absolutely necessary and even though it killed Lexa to feel the distance, she couldn't blame Costia for how she acted. Lexa was more than aware she deserved the cold shoulder.  
  
_"What do you need?"_  
  
Lexa hovers at the door. She's learned not to walk in unless invited to avoid a confrontation.  
  
_"This stupid thing won't close. I'll sit on it and you zip it up. Or the other way around. Whatever."_  
  
Lexa steps into the room and kneels by the suitcase. She recognizes the picture of Costia and Jake right at the top.  
  
_"I always loved that picture of you two."_  
  
Costia doesn't say anything. She sits on the suitcase and waits for Lexa to do her part. Lexa closes the suitcase effortlessly with the help of Costia's weight on top of the contents.  
  
Lexa exhales loudly, gets up, and heads for the door. Before she leaves the room she turns to look at it and notes how empty it feels already. Her eyes land on Costia who is wrapping up her headphones to stuff them in her backpack.  
  
_"We're going to miss you."_  
  
Costia turns to look at her and Lexa lets the words linger.  
  
" ** _I'm_ ** going to miss you. It's going to be too quiet around here."  
  
Costia says nothing and goes back to her bag. Lexa leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

* * *

Lexa checks in on everyone else and packs more than enough extra underwear for their streaker son before heading back to Clarke.  
  
_"Everything seems in order...Commander."_  
  
Lexa smiles at her wife who moves between their closet and their shared bag on the bed.  
  
_"You didn't pack enough clothes."_  
  
Clarke stuffs a few more of Lexa's pants and shirts into the bag.  
  
_"We're going to be by the water. How much clothes do I actually need?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're probably going to go to dinner or into town at some point. You also need stuff to wear down in Boston. We're not dropping her off while you're wearing shorts and a bathing suit."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You always think about everything. Can I help?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. It's fine. I know what I'm putting in here."_  
  
Clarke moves to the closet once more and comes back holding a few more of Lexa's things. Lexa sits on the bed next to the open suitcase.  
  
_"I think you should talk to her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's three others "hers" in this house Lexa. Which one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cos."_  
  
Clarke looks up from the bag at Lexa and speaks mildly concerned.  
  
_"Why? What happened?_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing. Nothing. She just...she seems sad. I know she won't talk to me about it but I was thinking that maybe she'll talk to you."_  
  
Clarke stops the packing frenzy and moves to sit on Lexa's lap. She gently clears the stray hairs escaping the intricate braid from Lexa's face and wraps her arms around her neck.  
  
_"Tomorrow is hard. For all of us. She also has the college thing of top of that. It's a lot. She's been stressed. We talked a bit on Friday when you guys were at the store. She's going to miss home. She'd never admit it, but I know she is. I think distance is going to do her good though. Especially the two of you."_  
  
The coming week was going to be emotionally draining for all of them. Today they were making the two hour drive from Manhattan to The Hamptons to stay at the same cottage Clarke had rented the weekend she told Lexa she was pregnant with Jake. It would've been his fourteenth birthday and they made the decision to get away from the city and spend it as a family. If that didn't make the coming days action packed enough, Costia was starting college orientation next weekend. They were driving five hours from The Hamptons to Boston to help her move into her dorm at Berklee College Of Music.  
  
Costia had known for years that she wanted to focus on music. She wanted to be a musician, but being Lexa's daughter she was also very rational and pragmatic about it. She wanted music training but she also wanted something to fall back on in case the rockstar lifestyle didn't exactly pan out. Costia had a deep connection to instruments and songwriting and after they lost Jake this was the one thing she found solace in. It's what got her through the worst days. Music helped her and she wanted to figure out how it could help other people. That's why she had decided to double major on Performance and Music Therapy. If being a world famous singer didn't come to fruition, her eventual goal was to find a way to make a grief recovery program with music at its core. She wanted to use music to make people heal one way or the other.  
  
Costia was three months short of being eighteen, but Clarke swore that Costia felt much older to her since finally figuring out what she wanted to do with college. Clarke also felt quite old. She knew she was on the cusp of being forty one, but she still couldn't believe she had a college aged kid. She also couldn't comprehend the fact she was about to drop off one of her daughters in some random building five hours away and just trust that she would be fine. Clarke was terrified and more than a little sad that these were probably the last few days she would ever have Costia living under her roof. In the back of her mind she knew Costia would be okay though. She was her and Lexa's kid after all.  
  
_"How is one of them going off to college already?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I swear the day I told you I was pregnant with Costia was a week ago."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. It does feel like that doesn't it? A lot has happened since that day and that shitty apartment."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"A lot has."_  
  
Clarke lays her head against Lexa's.  
  
_"We made it though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Barely. That was my fault."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Still counts."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's temple, hops off Lexa's lap, and gets back to the task at hand which is getting them out the door in twenty six minutes or less.  
  
_"It's too calm in here. Can you go make sure they're not about to set the apartment on fire? Why are you looking at me like that? As if that didn't almost happen_ **twice** _before. While you're at it check in on him and confirm he's not sitting naked somewhere. I need him ready because I’m almost done here."_  
  
_"I'll never understand why he seems to be allergic to clothes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He gets the nudist gene from your side of the family Lex. I'm sure."_

 _"And the pyromaniac genes from you."_  
  
Lexa laughs and heads towards the door.  
  
_"Oh and tell Nana that Monroe has to go home now. She needs to help us load the car. Can't have her distracted."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why do you make me be the bad guy?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's sixteen and we let her have a sleepover with her girlfriend because ‘they would miss each other too much’. We're not the bad guys at all. It's morning and we're only leaving for a week. Sleepover is done. She has to help with the bags."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Were we like that when we started dating?"_  
  
Clarke scoffs.  
  
_"We were worse."_  
  
Lexa nods and laughs.  
  
_"I bet we drove everyone crazy."_  
  
Clarke looks up from their shared suitcase.  
  
_"Lexa...we_ **still** _drive everyone crazy. Go split up Juliet and Juliet then make sure Aden isn't running around flashing people."_  
  
Clarke shoos her away.  
  
_"Fine. Fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're leaving in twenty three minutes."_  
  
Clarke shouts after Lexa.

* * *

They didn't leave for another hour and a half and that was only because Clarke unleashed her really serious mom voice.

They were now less than a minute away from the cabin, but the drive has been anything except for quiet and peaceful. Costia and Anya bickered and moaned over who got the window seat for about half an hour until Anya fell asleep. Roa - who is a few weeks away from her twelfth birthday - sat watching the movie Clarke and Lexa had popped into the media player while Aden very loudly narrated every second of the entire thing. If Clarke hadn't grown immune to vexing toddlers years ago she would've pulled over and left him on the side of the road about a hundred miles back.  
  
_"Turn right on Floater Rd. In eight hundred feet the destination is on your left."_  
  
The GPS announces. Lexa looks at Clarke and speaks.  
  
_"We haven't seen this place since that weekend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We haven't."_  
  
The car pulls up to a familiar corner of the world from a time that feels like a completely different life to Lexa. The cottage is just as she remembered it. As opposed to them, it didn't feel like it had changed at all. It's still the one story, quaint little house with a porch, a green lawn, the white sand beach, and the pier just a few feet away to the left. This is the same place where she had one of the best weekends of her life.  
  
_"Last time we drove up here you were pregnant with him and I had no idea."_  
  
Clarke parks the car on the driveway and shuts it off.  
  
_"You going to be okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_  
  
Clarke is the first one to get out of the SUV. She opens the door on her side to get Aden out of his car seat. The moment she puts him down on the driveway he bolts up and down the front yard. Lexa follows Clarke’s lead and opens her side door letting Roa out then pops the seat so Anya and Costia can exit the third row.  
  
_"Key is in the mailbox right?"_  
  
Lexa nods remembering the website instructions. Clarke makes for the mailbox and retrieves the key.  
  
_"Let's go inside first and we'll unload in a little bit."_  
  
Clarke heads for the front door. Lexa throws her arm around Roa's shoulder who in turn wraps her arms around Lexa's waist and they follow Clarke. Anya and Costia trail behind them.  
  
Even though the outside looked the same, Clarke and Lexa noticed that the interiors were completely different. They had seen the pictures, but they didn't think it would feel this stark. It simply never clicked that it could've have actually changed this much. It remains just as homey and warm, but also much more styled. Everything is a pristine ivory white with blue accents. Getting Aden to not stain something somewhere will be damn near impossible.  
  
The moment they step inside Costia and Anya run in the directions they assume the bedrooms will be in to stake their claim.  
  
_"I'm not getting top bunk."_  
  
Costia screams as she gets an edge on Anya down the hallway.  
  
_"Mom, I'm hungry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When are you not? Ro can you grab his backpack from the car? There should still be snacks in there for him."_  
  
Aden runs after his sister once Clarke is done talking knowing she will be the one with goodies. Clarke looks around the room trying to take it all in. Lexa comes up behind her.  
  
_"Kind of disappointed that couch isn't here anymore. It was comfortable."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We can have sex on this couch too."_  
  
Clarke smiles mischievously at Lexa without realizing the girls are coming just around the corner.  
  
_"Ew."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Please don't."_  
  
Costia and Anya come into the conversation as they walk into the living room from the back of the house. By the frown on Anya's face and the way she's rubbing the side of her head, Clarke and Lexa assume she either didn't get to the bottom bunk first or Costia forcefully removed her from the bottom bunk. Neither of them care to ask which of the two it was.  
  
_"Can we eat?"_  
  
Costia looks at Clarke.  
  
_"We have to unload first."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can we eat before we unload? I'm hungry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. All the food is under the bags. We have to unload before we can get to it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You did that on purpose didn't you?"_  
  
Clarke smiles and shrugs trying to appear innocent. Costia groans and heads for the car to begin carrying things.

* * *

It takes them about half an hour to move everything from the car to the cottage. By then it's already past 4:00 PM and Clarke figures making a heavy dinner instead of late lunch then late dinner is the best thing. She fends the communal moaning off after she informs them of her decision by handing out fruits and snacks then puts them all to work.

Lexa is in charge of the grill outside, Costia is responsible for the starches and carbs, Anya cuts the vegetables, Roa preps the salad, and a pantless Aden runs around munching on everything he can.

* * *

By the time they sit at dinner it's close to 7:00 PM and everyone is famished.  
  
The dining table is circular and coincidentally only fits seven chairs. With Aden sitting on Lexa's lap there happens to be one empty chair left. This isn't missed by any of them. Once everyone sat down and noticed the remaining empty chair the group suddenly became quiet. Aden, oblivious to the significance of the moment, was the only one in the family who remained chatty and animated as he continued to talk to Lexa.  
  
They pass around plates and dishes serving themselves and begin to eat in silence. After a few minutes of metal clanking against porcelain, loud sipping, and obnoxiously loud chewing from Aden someone finally speaks.  
  
_"I think he would've liked it here."_  
  
Anya is the first one brave enough to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  
  
_"I think so too."_

Roa quickly backs her up.  
  
_"He really would have because he always loved the water. From day one. We'd have trouble getting him out of baths or pools or the ocean."_  
  
Clarke smiles remembering all the times Jake threw fits when they tried to get him out of any wet situation.  
  
_"It's why grandma's house was always his favorite. She had a pool in her building. It was the first thing he asked about when we were staying with her."_

Costia adds.  
  
_"That and ice cream sandwiches."_

Anya jumps in.  
  
_"Grandma always had some in her fridge. Jake ate all of them every time we were over."_

Roa remembers fondly. Clarke piggy backs off Roa's comment.   
  
_"Your grandma started buying them because he loved them. There was nothing you couldn't convince him to do if a birthday cake ice cream sandwich was the reward."_  
  
They've all began firing off memories and contributing to the conversation except for Lexa who is noticeably silent.  
  
_"He didn't like them."_  
  
They all turn to look at Lexa confused.  
  
_"Ice cream sandwiches I mean. He thought they were okay I guess, but he didn't love them. For some reason he thought continuing to pretend that he did was easier. I told him he didn't have to if he didn't enjoy them but he said it made people smile when he made a mess while eating them so he didn't mind it. His favorite way to eat ice cream was in a sugar cone. Never wafer. He hated those. That's how we'd always have it when it was just the two of us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wow."_ Costia sounds almost bitterly shocked. _"What else didn't we know Lexa?"_  
  
_"Cos."_

Clarke warns Costia.  
  
_"No. I mean, clearly we never knew him, so why doesn't she tell us who he really was? I'd love to know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why do you always have to ruin everything?"_  
  
Anya drops her fork loudly against her plate and looks at Costia harshly from the across the table.  
  
_"We were just trying to talk about him._ **I** _wanted us to talk about it. You didn't have to turn it into argument."_  
  
Anya forces her chair back grating it against the floor in the process and storms away from the table. Costia follows seconds later but instead of heading toward the bedroom she goes out the front door. Lexa exhales loudly and puts another spoonful of food into Aden's mouth.  
  
_"That went better than I thought."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke, sarcasm evident.  
  
_"Momma more of that."_  
  
Aden interrupts pointing at the grilled corn.  
  
_"Finish what's on the plate first Aden."_  
  
Lexa admonishes him. Clarke stands up and makes for the door.  
  
_"I'll go talk to them. Make sure these two eat."_  
  
Aden tries to climb on the table to get to the corn he thinks Lexa refuses to give him more off even though he has more than enough still left on his plate while Clarke walks out the door.  
  
_"What are we? Animals now?"_  
  
Lexa pulls him back to her lap and Aden fusses at the foil of his plans. Roa continues to eat in silence.

* * *

Clarke finds Costia pacing up and down the driveway. Costia's exasperation grows the moment she notices Clarke.  
  
_"Are you going to defend her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia, she didn't do anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She never talks about him anymore but when she does it's to make sure we are aware we're wrong and remind us she knew him better? That's fucking bullshit mom."_  
  
Costia clenches her jaw in the exact same way Lexa does when she's irritated and it's yet another stark reminder to Clarke about how similar those two are.  
  
_"That mouth of yours is the reason I'm getting grey hairs."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not fair."_  
  
Costia's annoyance grows. Clarke tries to maintain her equanimity in order to keep the situation as contained as possible.  
  
_"What isn't?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That she knows things about him that I never will. That you never will. You're his mom too. Why did she get to spend more time with him than any of us? Why does she know all these things we don't. It's not fair."_  
  
Costia is basically stomping up and down the driveway by now.  
  
_"Cos, I've spent more time with you than your mom has and you've told me things you've asked me to not share with anyone and while I'll admit I've talked about some with your mother, I have kept others between you and me. How is that different? How is that fair to her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She doesn't deserve it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because sh..."_  
  
Clarke abruptly interrupts her.  
_  
_ _"Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say Costia. We're not going there again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever. Of course you wouldn't get it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What is it exactly that I'm not getting?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That he would be sitting on that chair if it wasn't for her and we would all be happy about his birthday. He'd be starting high school next month instead he never made it to nine. He probably would have kissed someone by now or would've tried beer or smoked a cigarette to look cool. I don't know mom. He was robbed of all these things and it's like you're not even mad about it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Would me being angry change anything? You've been angry enough for all of us and we're still here. The chair is still empty Cos. Anger doesn't fix it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"At least I'm trying."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Trying to what?"_  
  
_"Feel something. Miss him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You think we don't do either of those things? I was his mom Costia. I miss him."_ Clarke is slowly starting to become aggravated now.  _"I miss him."_  
  
Clarke grits at Costia driving the point further.  
  
_"Then act like it!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't understand you. When your mom was making it clear that she was grieving him you were angry at her because she did. Now it seems like you're angry at both of us because you think we don't miss him enough? What are we supposed to do?_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She..."_  
  
Costia screams pointing at the house signaling Lexa. Clarke interjects just as loudly before Costia has a chance to properly begin talking.  
  
_"_ **She** _is doing her best! She has been for a long time._ **She** _is still your mom._ **She** _has put up with every single thing you've thrown her way for years and trust me Costia, most of it has been more than unnecessary."_ Clarke stalks closer to Costia fiercely.  _"_ **She** _didn't handle everything perfectly. That's not a secret. But she's trying even though you're not cutting her one inch of slack Costia and I've about had it with you and your shitty attitude. You're not a kid anymore. You should know better."_  
  
Costia recoils at her mother's harsh words. Clarke has had as much patience with Costia as she did with Lexa but today Costia pushed her too far. For a second Clarke thinks about walking away but she still has something she wants to say.  
  
_"You want to be a therapist, right? You want to help people? Who are you going to help when you haven't let anyone help you? We did our best. We've done the counseling. We've done the talking. We've done the waiting. We've done it all Costia and you're still as angry as you were five years ago. You insist your mom isn't trying, but I think the one who isn't trying here is you."_  
  
That's all Clarke had to say to her daughter and when she's done she walks away leaving Costia shaken and on the verge of tears.

* * *

Anya doesn't feel like talking much when Clarke goes to see her and Clarke decides to respect that.  
  
Clarke heads back to the main part of the house. Lexa has cleared the table and is standing at the sink working on the dishes in the kitchen while the two younger ones watch TV in the living room. Lexa sees Clarke approach and points with her head and the plate sitting on the counter.  
  
_"I saved your plate."_  
  
Clarke noticed the aluminum covered plate on the kitchen island.  
  
_"Did you save yours? You hadn't even started eating yet."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not hungry."_  
  
Lexa returns to doing the dishes. Clarke goes to the cutlery table and pulls out two forks. She grabs a few of the napkins on the counter and heads to the sink. She pulls Lexa by the back of the shirt moving her away from the counter and towards the island.  
  
_"Clarke..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You haven't eaten today. Of course you're hungry. Here..."_  
  
Clarke offers Lexa a handful of napkins to dry her hands. Lexa would've argued if she hadn't read it on Clarke's face that this was non-negotiable. Once her hands are dry Clarke passes her one of the forks and leans over the wood to pick off her plate. Lexa stands next to her and grabs a piece of the steak.  
  
_"That didn't sound fun. Is she okay?"_  
  
Clarke shrugs and takes another forkful of food to her mouth. Lexa decides to let it go. They get through most of the plate before Clarke talks again.  
  
_"This one wasn't on you."_ Clarke turns to look at Lexa.  _"Most of the time you guys egg each other on in the worst way and it drives me crazy but you didn't do anything wrong tonight. You shared something about him with us and I loved that. She had no right."_  
  
Lexa nods. Clarke moves up from the island to wrap her arms around Lexa laying her head on her chest. Lexa immediately hugs her back.  
  
_"Can we do that tomorrow?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We sit and listen to you talk about him? Tell us things we didn't know. Stories. Secrets. Anything. I think that would be the best way to spend his birthday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I haven't...I...I don't know if I can."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think you can. We'd all love it."_  
  
Clarke looks up at Lexa from her chest while running her hands up and down Lexa's back.  
  
_"What if I can't?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then we tell you stories about him. I'm sure we've got plenty to go around. I have a feeling everyone would love to hear yours more though."_  
  
Lexa takes a deep breath and nods.  
  
_"I can try."_  
  
Clarke smiles at her because she knows that's all she can ask from Lexa.

* * *

It's not until after Roa and Aden are asleep and Clarke and Lexa have retreated into the master bedroom that Costia dares to come back into the house.

She walks into the room they'd taken to find Anya sleeping in the bottom bunk. She rolls her eyes and grouses as she collects pillows and a blanket from the top bunk and drags them to the living room. She throws the blanket and the pillows on the couch until she remembers the sex comment from earlier. No way she’s sleeping on that couch. It feels icky and she wants nothing to do with it so she moves everything to the floor instead.

That's where Lexa finds her when she can’t sleep and decided to do her rounds to check on the kids in the middle of the night.

* * *

They have a late start to the day the next morning because Clarke and Lexa decided to let the kids sleep in. Once everyone is up, clean, and has had breakfast Clarke ushers them to the couches arranged around the backyard firepit. Clarke asks Lexa to talk about Jake.  
  
At first the stories and the words come slowly, but after the hesitation disappeared they flow out of Lexa uninterrupted. Initially only Lexa talked, but after a while everyone started sharing bits and pieces of him as they pertained to whatever story Lexa had gotten into that time.

They sit there for hours laughing, crying, listening, and sharing this particular moment in time with each other. Neither Clarke nor Lexa could remember an instance they felt like this since Jake died. They suddenly seemed like a normal family again. It somehow felt like he was there with them.

* * *

Once the later part of the afternoon begins to creep up on them and they start thinking about food again, Costia makes a bold suggestion.  
  
_"We should get a cake and sing him happy birthday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds like a great idea Cos. We can do that."_  
  
Clarke didn't know why, but when she was getting additional last minute supplies for the trip that Lexa had forgotten when she went shopping with the kids, she felt compelled to purchase a box of cake mix as well. She didn't think too much of it when she walked by it and mindlessly threw it in her cart. She wasn't really a baker. It's not something she normally did or enjoyed, but she bought a box for their week away regardless. She now wonders if she subconsciously hoped something like this would happen. She's not sure, but she's thankful whatever came over her allows them to do this for Jake.  
  
_"There's a box in one of the bags. Do you guys want to help me bake the cake?"_  
  
Clarke asks animated and everyone give positive answers just as excited. Especially Aden. They all get up and head for the kitchen.

* * *

Within two hours - and after a near disastrous mishap of Aden almost knocking the mix bowl over while trying to dip his fingers in it - they have most of dinner ready and a cake in the oven.  
  
The cake is ready before dinner is done. It's ready just as the sun starts to set. Anya notices as the colors outside the window catch her eye.  
  
_"I think we should sing happy birthday now."_ Clarke looks up from the stove at Anya.  _"Sunset. I think it would be cool if we did it now."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa look at each other.  
  
_"Let's do it."_  
  
Clarke shuts off the stove and starts to boss the kids around.  
  
_"Cos, grab plates from the cabinet. Anya, grab a knife and silverware. Ro, grab the napkins. I'll look for the the firepit matches. Lex, you try to find some candles."_  
  
Clarke heads outside to see if she can locate a fire source while everyone else does as told.  
  
They're all outside sitting in the same couches as they were earlier when Lexa walks towards them holding a tealight candle.  
  
_"This is all I found."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a candle. That's all we need I guess."_  
  
Lexa walks over to the couch. Roa was sitting to Clarke's right and Aden was sitting to her left. Lexa hands the candle to Clarke who places it at the center of the moist cake before she picks up Aden with the intention of placing him on her lap and sits next to Clarke. Clarke lights the candle with the one thing she found: a grill lighter.  
  
_"Should we sing?"_  
  
Clarke looks around asking the group. They nod and Clarke starts them off. Once the song is done they realize there is no one to blow the candle and they look at each other. That's when Roa speaks.  
  
_"You're supposed to make a wish on your birthday before you blow out the candle but maybe we can say what we miss the most about him and then do it together?"_  
  
Roa shyly looks at her mom sounding not entirely convinced that what she's saying is a good idea. Clarke smiles at her and kisses the top of her head.  
  
_"That's so smart baby. Do you want to start?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay. The thing I miss the most about Jake is how he was always trying to stop fights. Like if we were arguing he would come in and try to make it better for everyone. He'd try to get us to fix whatever it was instead of fighting over it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a good one Ro. He was a little diplomat in the making."_  
  
Clarke wraps her arm around Roa's shoulder and pulls her close.  
  
_"He would've made a good lawyer."_

Lexa chips in.  
  
_"He would've."_ Clarke intertwines her fingers with Lexa's.  _"Nana, you want to go?"_ _  
_  
_"I think what I miss the most is how excited he was about everything? I don't know. I think I remember him always being happy about everything even if it was stupid. Like, 'Oh we're going shopping today.' And he'd be all pumped about going to the store or something like that. It was really weird but I miss it."_  
  
_"He_ **loved** _the grocery store for some reason. He really was a weirdo."_ Costia jumps in and since she's sitting next to Anya it was her turn to speak anyway. _"What I miss the most about him is how goofy he was. He wasn't always talking, but for some reason he was always doing something funny. Like those few weeks where he decided he was obsessed with bats so the obvious thing to do was that he was going to read hanging upside down from the couch or the bed or wherever because he wanted to know what a bat felt like and it was the most ridiculous thing ever. Or the time he chipped a part of that flower vase mom had in the living room because he was swinging his foam bat around inside the house when he wasn't supposed to. He knocked it over and a piece of it broke off so he just went and got school glue and did the_ **worst** _possible job at putting it back together but when you guys tried to figure out who had done it he really tried to convince you it looked fine."_ _  
_  
Clarke and Lexa cackle at being reminded of that.  
  
_"He did try to convince us there was nothing wrong with it."_ Clarke laughs looking at Lexa. _"I knew it had to have been him because I’d seen him with the bat about fifteen minutes before and I told him to put it away. Then all of a sudden the vase has a broken corner and there's this thick stream of glue dripping down the side. And he was deadpanning us when he said it looked totally fine to him."_ _  
_  
Clarke can barely speak through the laughs and Lexa is leaning backwards on the couch because she's laughing so hard.  
  
_"'Mom I don't see what you mean. Are you sure it wasn't like that? I think it's always been like that.' That was exactly what he said."_  
  
Lexa manages to get out between chuckles.  
  
_"He was unbelievable. He would try to talk himself out of anything. Remember when he tried to negotiate his bed time with us?"_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa which only makes her laugh harder.  
  
_"He was what...five?"_  
  
Lexa asks trying to catch her breath.  
  
_"Not even. I think he was close, but he was definitely still four. And he had a full list of reasons why he shouldn't have a bedtime, the most important being that he was 'the man of the house'."_  
  
Everyone laughs at that one. Costia jumps in again.  
  
_"So yeah...all these crazy stories are what I miss the most about him. He was just a funny kid."_  
  
It was Clarke's turn to speak and she takes it.  
  
_"He was the sweetest too. He always had hugs and kisses for everyone no matter where we went. He would walk into a room and greet whoever was there. He wanted to make sure people were taken care of. Remember that time he put together his allowance to give to the crazy homeless man that was always around the field? What was his name?"_  
  
Clarke turns to ask Lexa who immediately replies.  
  
_"Jaha. Sometimes after practice he would randomly ask if we could go see if Jaha was around so we could buy him a burger or give him some coins. He didn't like seeing people on the streets. He got genuinely sad when he did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. I think what I miss the most is how gentle and kind and caring he was. It made me really proud to be his mom."_  
  
Clarke was starting to get slightly emotional and she didn't want to ruin the mood so she squeezes Lexa's hand and looks at her letting her know she's done talking and it's her turn now. Lexa takes a few seconds to gather her thoughts before she speaks. All eyes are on her.  
  
_"All the books said you should never aim to be friends with your children. ‘You should be a parent, not a friend.’ That’s what I read over and over again, but...Jake was my friend. He was my best bud and we had a lot of fun together. I miss having fun with him."_

Lexa looks at the floor willing herself not to cry.

 _"I miss who I was when he was around."_  
  
Clarke understands that is as much as Lexa is going to say and takes over.  
  
_"Should we blow the candle then? We should all think something nice before we do. Ready?"_  
  
They kids nod or agree. They all lean in and hover over the cake. Clarke counts them down.  
  
_"One...two...three..."_  
  
The candle goes out.  
  
_"Happy birthday Jake."_  
  
Costia says before dipping her finger in the frosting and licking it clean.  
  
_"Happy Birthday Jay."_  
  
Lexa echoes.  
  
Clarke gets on with cutting the cake and distributing the slices around. She figures that dessert before dinner is perfectly fine today. They stay outside watching the sunset and eating cake until the sun goes all the way down.  
  
Clarke eventually herds them inside to finish dinner. They eat relatively quietly and everyone goes to bed without a major incident. Clarke is more than thankful for that because this is the first of his birthdays which hasn't devolved into a screaming match between someone or another. She's hoping this could become the new normal.

* * *

Six days of sun and swimming fly by and suddenly it's their last night at the cottage.  
  
Lexa sits by the water taking in the streaks the moonlight paints on the rippling beach. She forgot to pack her pills and without them she hasn't been getting much sleep since they arrived.

When she decided to come out it was around 1:00 AM. She figures she's been there for about two hours when she feels someone sit next to her. Lexa looks over to find Costia wrapped in a blanket  
  
_"Couldn't sleep."_  
  
Costia mumbles. Lexa nods and doesn't add anything.

Her and Costia actively avoid spending time alone and the unspoken rule of the house is that they mostly elude each other. Both instances are mainly Costia's doing. As a result of this Lexa's not entirely sure how to talk to her daughter anymore without it leading to an argument.  
  
_"You can't go back to being that person."_  
  
Lexa looks at Costia confused.  
  
_"You're doing better and everyone has always made a big deal out of it, but I know you still have bad days. You do a good job at hiding it or they're good at pretending they don't see it but I do. You can't go back to being who you were after Jake. I'm not going to be here anymore to call you out on your bullshit."_  
  
_"Costia. Mouth."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"As of midnight I'm technically no longer living with you so 'household laws' don't apply to me anymore."_

Costia adds cheekily. _  
_ _  
_ _"Pretty sure those are still valid until we move you in tomorrow. Even then we're still paying your tuition so technically Berklee is just an extension of the house."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fuck that."_  
  
Lexa exhales loudly and decides to pick her battles.  
  
_"We let Anya and Raven babysit too much."_  
  
Lexa looks back towards the water but Costia's eyes remained glued on her.  
  
_"You can't be whoever you were before anymore Lexa."_ Costia returns to the previous topic. _"I mean it. Nana leaves for college in two years and then it's just you and mom with Roa and the kid. You still got them for a few more years. Seems like mom is never going to leave you no matter how hard you fuck up so she’s stuck with you forever. I can't be worried that you're going to disappear or treat them like shit like you used to do to us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm working on it Costia. I really am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You should've worked on it sooner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wish it was different."_ Lexa doesn't push for more information.  _"I remember how it was before he died. I miss that. We used to have fun. All of us."_ Costia pauses.  _"You and me._ **We** _used to have fun. It wasn’t just you and Jake."_  
  
Costia stops and Lexa can almost feel her daughter carefully considering her next words.  
  
_"I thought you were the coolest growing up. I did. I remember telling people you were my favorite person ever. You were my hero Lexa. I really fucking thought you were my best friend even though you always liked Jake better."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn..."_  
  
Lexa looks at her and tries to explain that really never was the case but Costia cuts her off.  
  
_"Let me talk Lexa. You never wanted to for years. It's my turn now."_  
  
Lexa goes back to looking at the water.  
  
_"You liked Jake better. That was no secret, but it didn't matter to me. I wish I could make you understand just how incredible you were in my eyes when I was growing up. And then you just...checked out. I was so fucking scared you were going to die. I was terrified. After you got out of the hospital and came back home I kind of hoped you had. That would've probably been easier for all of us. For mom."_  
  
The resentment and choler in Costia's voice is palpable.  
  
_"I don't know how to not be angry at you Lexa, for so many fucking things, but you still got Roa and Aden. They still think you're the coolest. They still think you're their favorite. Don't fuck it up with them. If you don’t then they get to grow up having two moms."_  
  
This entire time Costia never took her eyes off Lexa. Not for a second. Lexa intently attempts to remain stoic but despite her best efforts a few tears escape her.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wish that was enough."_  
  
Costia stops to collect her thoughts, but after a while restarts.  
  
_"Right after he died all I wanted was for you to be home. Everyone did their best to make it better but I wanted_ **you** _to tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted_ **you** _to tell mom we could get through it. I would've believed it. We all would have. But you never did. Not once. You could've made it easier for all of us, but instead you made it so much worse. You bailed and mom had to do it all by herself. Every time I heard her cry in her room or the bathroom or the closet or anywhere she thought she could hide where we wouldn't notice I hated you for doing that to her. We knew you didn't have all the answers. We never expected you to. We just needed you to be there."_  
  
Costia grows quiet again. A few minutes pass until she speaks again.  
  
_"I'm not telling you any of this to fuck your shit up again. I'm telling you this because you have to know what it did to us when you weren't there. I'm done. I'm out Lexa. I get to walk away in the morning, but they're still there so you need to step up every day and make sure they know you're there because if I ever hear you walked out on them again I will take the train up from Boston and drag you all the way from Costia's grave back to the apartment."_  
  
Lexa's eyes snap from the water to her daughter at the mention of the grave. Costia scoffs.  
  
_"You think I never followed you? I did. More than once. I needed to know what was more important than being with us. It pissed me off to know that you'd rather sit at a cemetery with someone that had been dead for longer than I'd been alive instead of having dinner with us. You never learned to let the dead go. You cling too hard to things. If you didn't I wouldn't share a name with your dead ex."_  
  
Costia let's her words sink in for a while.  
  
_"Mom's right, you know? We_ **are** _too much alike. I know because I cling too. There's a reason I'm still angry. That's how I know that I'd need to hear this. It's why I'm telling you. I'm also telling you because I don't want to be like you anymore. Being angry all the time is fucking exhausting Lexa. I don't want to be angry at you forever but I knew that I'd never really get a shot at getting over this if I didn't put it all out there. I needed you to know how bad you fucked us up so I could let it go. This is me letting go. We're not going to magically be okay. I don't know if we'll ever be okay, but I can't be upset every time I look at you if I have to look at you for the rest of your life. That sounds like too much work."_  
  
Costia takes a deep breath and holds it in for a while. Once she releases it, she resumes speaking.  
  
_"I don't know where this leaves us. I don't know what it really means. I just needed to say all of it before I left you alone with them. You always told me I had to look out for them because I was the oldest and saying this is the only way I know how to right now."_  
  
Costia doesn't verbalize anything else. They sit side by side in silence for what feels like hours. When the sun starts to rise Lexa realizes it has indeed been hours.  
  
_"I never loved him more than I loved any of you."_  
  
Costia chortles sarcastically.  
  
_"Sure."_  
  
Costia stands up and makes it a few feet towards the house.  
  
_"Costia."_  
  
Lexa looks over her shoulder and Costia turns to her.  
  
_"I never loved him more than I love you. That's the truth."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You had a shitty way of showing it."_  
  
Costia turns and walks back into the cottage. Lexa stays by the water.

* * *

Sometime later another warm body sits next to Lexa, this time offering a hot cup of coffee.  
  
_"That's not as fresh as it should be. I woke up a while ago. I saw you and Cos out here but didn't want disturb. Everything okay?"_  
  
Lexa takes the hot mug from Clarke's hands. She drinks a sip but doesn't speak. After long moments of silence she turns her entire body to face Clarke. She surveys Clarke's face in detail.  
  
_"Would it have been easier for you if I died too?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Never."_  
  
Clarke doesn't hesitate even for a second.  
  
_"Lexa, if you would've died I would've lost my mind. I would have. I almost did when we thought you weren't going to make it."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Did she say something? Do I need to..."_  
  
Lexa interrupts Clarke shaking her head.  
  
_"She didn't say anything I didn't need to hear."_  
  
Lexa looks at the ground.  
  
_"Can you please look at me?"_  
  
Clarke asks and Lexa lifts her head so their eyes can meet.  
  
_"The only good thing that happened that night was that you made it out alive. I couldn't do this without you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You did it for years."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You were still there. Knowing you were there was all I needed. I knew you'd come around. I never doubted it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. Lex, it happened. We can't change it now. Any of it. You know what hasn't happened yet? Freshman move-in. We need to get on that."_  
  
Lexa guffaws, shakes her head, and closes her eyes.  
  
_"I'm glad they had you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm glad they have_ **us** _. We're a team Lexa. If one of us drops the ball for a bit, then the other carries it. It's how this works."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm glad_ **I** _had you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not regretting that burned backyard anymore are we then?"_  
  
Lexa snickers and takes another sip of her coffee.  
  
_"I'm being serious Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So am I."_ Clarke leans in to kiss Lexa.  _"It happened. We moved on. We can't dwell on it Lexa. And if we_ **must** _I'd prefer if it happened when we didn't have a car full of boxes and a five hour drive ahead."_ Clarke tries to lighten the mood. Lexa smiles weakly and nods.  _"Babe, I know how you feel. I know you wish we could get a do over. Knowing you'd do it differently if you could is good enough for me. That's all I need."_  
  
Lexa lets Clarke's works sink in.  
  
_"Move-in then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Let's do it."_  
  
Clarke gets up and then helps Lexa up. Once they're both on their feet Clarke pulls her in for a soft kiss.  
  
_"We're okay. I promise. We always have and always will be okay. It's what we do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm glad I did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You won't feel this lucky when I tell you we need to be out the door in forty two minutes."_  
  
Lexa laughs heartily and brings her forehead down to meet Clarke's.  
  
_"I love you Griffin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you Woods. You get him ready and I'll make sure the girls are moving."_  
  
Lexa leans in to kiss her, but when she starts to get carried away Clarke mumbles against her lips.  
  
_"Forty one minutes."_  
  
Lexa backs away laughing and allows Clarke to pull her into the cottage. Lexa makes sure they're out the door seven minutes before Clarke's deadline.

* * *

The five hour drive to Boston is uneventful. Costia fell asleep the moment she sat down in the car. Roa and Anya are entertained by their phones and Aden is watching a movie on the media player.

Clarke offered to drive the first shift so Lexa could sleep. She promised Lexa that she would wake her up halfway then they could switch but she never did. Clarke knew Lexa had been up all night and she had slept well enough the night before. She knew she was fine to drive so she did.

* * *

They get to Berklee and with all hands on deck it takes them less than two hours to have Costia's room completely set up including all her suitcases unpacked and clothes put away between the limited amount of drawers and the small standing closet that lived in the corner of her half of the dorm.  
  
Costia has a full afternoon of orientation events ahead of her. It's now time they leave her to it. They all hover as Clarke gives her final instructions.  
  
_"I'm not going to tell you not to drink because it's college and that would be naive of me, just don't be irresponsible about it. Don't leave your drink alone either."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes and groans.  
  
_"Mom. For the millionth time in the last year: yes, I know. I have a thing to get to. You guys need to go."_  
  
Costia tries to guide them all out of her room. Anya is the first one to give in and hug her.  
  
_"I'm going to miss you."_  
  
A teary Anya whispers into Costia's neck.  
  
_"Me too Nana. You gotta keep these two in check. Don't let them get into my room and touch my things."_  
  
Anya lets out a reluctant wet laughs and nods. Roa is next on the goodbye line.  
  
_"Keep practicing every day Ro. We'll jam when I come home for Thanksgiving. Sound good?"_  
  
Roa beams at the idea of them playing together again. She's already looking forward to it.  
  
_"And you'll teach me all the stuff you learned?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Every single thing. I promise."_  
  
She kisses and hugs Roa tight before letting go.

It's Aden's turn.

Costia still has mixed feelings about the moment in time when Aden became part of the family, but she was also coming to terms with the fact that this shouldn't be held against him because that wasn't on him. As annoying and loud as Aden was, Costia had to admit he was kind of growing on her. Possibly.  
  
_"Alright Chunks. Come here."_  
  
Costia kneels down to the pudgy toddler's eye level.  
  
_"Don't break any more of my vinyls or I might have to break some of your toys to even things out. Deal?"_  
  
Costia lifts her hand and waits for him to high five her.  
  
_"Deal!"_  
  
Costia pulls him in for a hug and whispers softly into his ear.  
  
_"I stashed some cookies for you on the bottom drawer of my desk in case mom ever hides them again. Just don't eat them all at once or rat me out. It's our secret."_  
  
Costia moves away from his ear pretending she didn't say anything.  
  
_"And quit taking your pants off everywhere. It's going to stop being cute and start being creepy soon. We have enough weirdos in the family already."_  
  
Costia looks at Anya and smiles. Anya shoves her playfully.  
  
_"Give me a kiss."_  
  
Aden throws his arms around her neck and forcefully kisses her cheek. When her face is sufficiently slobbered on enough Costia breaks away.  
  
_"Ok. That should hold me off until break but I'm going to come for more of those in a few months. You think you'll be ready?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I will."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. Practice on mom though just in case. That way I only get the best kisses when I get back."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll practice!"_  
  
Costia smiles and gets up to head towards Clarke. They embrace firmly.  
  
_"Yes I'll be safe and no I won't get in trouble...but know that if I do, I'm calling either Aunt Raven or Aunt Anya first. That's for sure."_  
  
Costia gets ahead of the whole speech Clarke would've given her. Clarke laughs as tears fall down her eyes.  
  
_"Mom, it's college. Relax. We'll Facetime and text and all of you will be in my business all the time. We both know it. I think I'll see you at break but if I know you like I do, I have a feeling you guys will show up here way before that. Enough with the crying."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't do anything stupid."_  
  
Clarke cups Costia's face. The implied "I couldn't handle it if anything happen to another one of you" didn't need to be spoken out loud.  
  
_"I won’t. I'll be careful. I promise."_

Costia speaks seriously for the first time all day. She want to be reassuring to squelch at least some of Clarke's fears. _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you too mom."_  
  
Clarke pulled her in for another long hug and a kiss before letting go. Then there was Lexa.  
  
_"Cool. Yeah...I'll see you then?"_  
  
Costia said coldly and awkwardly without closing the distance between them. Lexa nods.  
  
_"I'll see you."_  
  
Without hesitation Costia changes the topic.  
  
_"I have to get to that thing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Right. We should go."_  
  
Lexa replied maladroit.  
  
_"Ok. Come on guys."_  
  
Roa holds Aden's hand and they all walk out of Costia's new home leaving her behind.

* * *

The group makes their way along the hall, down the elevator, out the building, and almost an entire block and a half on their walk toward the parking garage where Lexa had left the car in after they unloaded everything on the curb in front of Costia’s dorm building.  
  
Clarke carries Aden as he rants away about something or the other. The girls are all quiet as they try to grasp the fact that they now have to adjust to being a family of five instead of six on a daily basis. They're about to turn a corner when Lexa thinks she hears her name.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
Lexa turns when she hears it again. When she does she sees Costia barreling down the sidewalk dodging all the other families making their way to or from the dorms. Clarke and the girls stop when they see Lexa is not moving and try to figure out why she's looking in the opposite direction. Within seconds Costia has rammed into Lexa’s body. She instantly has her arms wrapped around Lexa's neck and her face buried into her shoulder.

It's been a while since Lexa had seen Costia crying in her presence, but she was almost certain that her daughter was crying now. Lexa looks at Clarke who is on the verge of tears herself. She wraps her arms around Costia without saying anything. They stay there for a few dozen more seconds before Costia whispers something barely audible into Lexa's shoulder. Something meant just for the two of them.  
  
_"I'll miss you too."_  
  
Once the words leave her mouth, Costia instantly unwraps her arms from Lexa's neck and surreptitiously wipes her tears. Without adding anything else Costia nonchalantly turns and jogs back towards her building. Lexa looks at Clarke who is now shamelessly crying on a Boston sidewalk. Aden moves his hands to Clarke's face and haphazardly wipes her tears.  
  
_"Don't cry mommy."_  
  
Aden wraps his arms around Clarke's neck.  
  
_"Ok baby."_  
  
Clarke begins to walk in order to make the rest of her family move again. The girls follow her lead.

Lexa can't help but smile. Perhaps one day her and Costia can find a way to mend what was broken.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very curious to see how people will feel about this one. Particularly those of you who don't like Costia.
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	15. October 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**October 2019**

_"Achoo!"_  
  
Lexa's loud sneeze startles the nine week old baby boy currently nursing in Clarke's arms. He stops feeding and jolts against Clarke's chest blinking heavily looking at her confused.  
  
_"It's okay. Your momma is just really loud when she shouldn't be sometimes."_  
  
Clarke gently kisses his head and the baby, satisfied with the answer, goes back to eating.  
  
_"Momma is loud."_  
  
Two and a half year old Anya giggles with a milk-filled bottle still in her mouth as she lays next to Clarke playing with the baby's feet. Clarke chuckles because she is well aware that Anya has no idea Clarke wasn't exactly referring to Lexa's sneezes when she said that.  
  
Anya and Costia had woken up close to an hour ago and as it usually happens in the mornings, they'd transferred from their rooms to the big bed. Costia - soon to be four - enjoys her last few days before preschool starts by laying next to Anya and giving her undivided attention to the bright colors dancing around the television while she chugs down her breakfast bottle.  
  
It's just before 7:30AM and even though Lexa is supposed to be on leave from work because of the newborn, she got a call from Nick the night before begging her to come in. They desperately need her brain for at least a day to go over files of a case they can't seem to piece together. Lexa brought up the possibility to Clarke who consented to Lexa going even though it would mean her first day alone with three kids came much sooner than she expected. Clarke is not convinced she's ready for that just yet, but Lexa promised it would just be a few hours and, as it tends to happen, in the end Clarke gave in.  
  
Lexa walks out of the bathroom in the khaki slacks that according to Clarke "make her ass look fantastic" and a grey button down shirt with the top buttons still undone. Clarke immediately noticed that something was wrong with her wife. She's a little too pale and she seemed...off.  
  
Lexa walks into the closet looking for a blazer to go with her pants.  
  
_"Achoo!"_  
  
Lexa startles Jake again. He doesn't look expressly jubilant at all to have his meal be continuously interrupted. Clarke runs her hand up and down his tiny body trying to soothe him. Lexa walks out of the closet and over to her dresser where she starts to stuff her pockets with all the things she needs.  
  
_"Babe, you okay?"_ _  
__  
__"Yeah. Why?"_ _  
__  
__"Come here."_  
  
Lexa knots her brow and looks at her confused.  
  
_"Why?"_ _  
__  
__"Come here, Lex."_  
  
Lexa walks over to the bed and simply stands by it hovering feets over where Clarke sits with the baby.  
  
_"Closer, Lexa."_  
  
Lexa finally bends down to Clarke's height. Clarke examines her face closely and then places her hand on Lexa's forehead and neck.  
  
_"I_ **knew** _you felt warm last night. You're sick."_ _  
__  
__"I'm not."_  
  
Lexa stubbornly dismisses the notion as she walks away and back to getting ready.  
  
_"Lexa, you have a fever. It's not high, but you still have one."_ _  
__  
__"Nonsense. The sneezing is just allergies."_ _  
__  
__"You're not allergic to anything. Call Nick. Tell him you can't come."_ _  
__  
__"They need me there."_ _  
__  
__"You're going to make it worse. Get back in bed and I'll go get you some meds."_  
  
Clarke gets up from the bed with the baby still attached to her breast and walks over to Lexa.  
  
_"Clarke, I'm fine."_ _  
__  
__"You always do this. 'Clarke I'm fine.'"_ Clarke mockingly imitates Lexa's voice. _"And then two days later you're down for the count. You're so stubborn. You're not superhuman. Get back in bed."_ _  
_  
Lexa puts on her blazer and taps her pockets to make sure she has everything. She leans down in an attempt to kiss Clarke goodbye but gets instantly blocked as Clarke pushes her face away with her free hand.  
  
_"No. You'll get me sick too. I'm nursing. I can't be sick. Get back in bed."_ _  
__  
__"I'm not sick, Clarke."_  
  
Right at that moment a sneeze catches Lexa off guard and before she can fully cover her mouth with her arm she sprays the newborn that Clarke is currently holding a foot away from her with germ filled saliva. Clarke looks at her wide eyed.  
  
_"Did you just sneeze on the baby?"_  
  
Clarke looks at her wife incredulous as she wipes the baby's face and her partially exposed chest with her hand before drying it on her pajama pants.  
  
_"That was an accident. I didn't mean to."_ Lexa replies matter of factly. _"I have to go."_  
  
_"I'm telling you right now, tomorrow you're going to be miserable if we don't stop this from getting worse."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke, I'm not sick."_  
  
Lexa leans down to tenderly kiss the baby on the head before aiming for the bed to say goodbye to the girls but Clarke runs intervention yet again.  
_  
__"You're not getting them sick too. I'm going to have to deal with one, possibly two sick babies..."_ Clarke points at the sneezed on infant in her arms. _"...we're not making it four."_ _  
_  
_"I'm not sick."_ Lexa rolls her eyes. _"I love you Cos. Love you Nana. I'll see you in a few hours."_ _  
_  
Lexa leaves the bedroom and walks towards the front door with Clarke on her tail.  
  
_"Can you at least stop and get Vitamin C on the way to the office?"_ _  
__  
__"Clarke..."_ Lexa brings her hands to cup Clarke's face. _"...I'm not sick."_  
  
Lexa kisses Clarke's forehead and gives her son another kiss before she heads out the door.  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and groans knowing full well what's coming.

* * *

Lexa was definitely sick. At least objectively. There was a tingling in the back of her throat and her bones were achy. Her joints felt stiff and her head loopy. The sneezing wasn't helping matters either. To anyone rational Lexa was sick. In Lexa's mind, not so much.  
  
It takes Lexa fifteen minutes longer than it normally does to get from the apartment to the office because she was uncommonly sluggish and ever so slightly disoriented which resulted in her missing the first train she was supposed to get on.  
  
Lexa finally makes it to her building, jumps on the elevator, and exits on the floor solely dedicated to the Major Crimes division. The first person she comes across is Nick.  
  
_"Damn! You look like shit GW."_  
  
Nick mocks as he walks past her. He uses the nickname he gave her and that he knows beyond reasonable doubt Lexa hates to simply add insult to injury.  
  
_"I'm not sick."_  
  
Lexa grunts at him and heads for her office.  
  
_"I never said you were. Conference room in fifteen."_  
  
Nick screams while walking further down the hallway and away from her.  
  
Lexa makes a left and heads for her corner office. She arrives at the dark oak door that gives way to her office and smiles to herself - as she always does - when she sees her name engraved on the nameplate attached to it.

 **_"Alexandria Griffin-Woods_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Assistant District Attorney"_ **

It really did have a nice ring to it. Lexa swings the door open and turns on the light. The first thing that catches her eye is the stack of folders accumulating on her desk. Just looking at it is making her head pound.  
  
Lexa hasn't been at the office since the day Clarke went into labor. She was in the middle of pre-trial prep for a case when the baby decided it was time, but she pawned it off to Travis and went on leave.  
  
Lexa sits on the executive leather chair with ergonomic lumbar support Clarke had gotten her for Christmas last year and starts to scan through the folders. She tosses the majority aside as they are mostly unimportant, but the seventh folder down isn't. That one is a report from one of the detectives she's been working with in regards to the Lucchese crime family. That's something she still spends a lot of her down time on even though two and a half years have passed from the time of the Gagliano conviction. She’s committed to it regardless of the fact that they've struggled to build a case against anyone else since. She quickly opens the folder and starts to read. Before Lexa gets more than a few sentences in she is interrupted.  
  
_"What are you doing here Woods? I thought you were taking your twelve weeks?"_  
  
Lexa looks up to find her boss and professional hero, Manhattan District Attorney Indra Forrester, at her door.  
  
_"DA Forrester, I..."_

Indra interrupts her.

 _"Woods, how many times do I have to tell you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sorry. Indra. Uhm...Dillane, Salazar, and Garcia need help going over the McCalister case. They're going to brief me in about ten and see if we can crack this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You should be home Woods. Time flies when they're kids. Trust me, I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm just here for a few hours."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You shouldn't even be here for a few hours, but since you are..."_ Indra walks into Lexa's office and closes the door behind her. _"...what's going on with the Lucchese case?"_ _  
_  
_"Organized Crime is having trouble getting another undercover officer into the operation and considering that the Luccheses started putting a price on CI's heads, the flow of information has naturally slowed down but I just found this new report on my desk.”_ Lexa picks up the folder and presents it to Indra. _“I'll take it home and give it a read to see what's going on."_

Indra refuses to take it. 

 _"Don't do that. Leave it here. You can read it when you get back. There's no rush with this. We need to take our time and do it right if we want to get them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm going to get them. I am."_  
  
Indra heads for the door and places her hand on the knob but before she leaves she turns to Lexa.  
  
_"I know you're anxious to prove something Woods, but there is no shame in walking away from this."_  
  
_"I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How's the new baby girl by the way?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, he definitely wasn't a girl."_  
  
Indra laughs.  
  
_"I bet that was a nice surprise."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It was something.”_

Lexa chuckles reliving the moment they discovered that Jake was going to have to spend a few days wearing some of his sister’s second hand onesies that read “Mommy’s Princess” when he was in fact, quite the opposite of that.

_“But he's great. Doing really good. Thanks for asking."_

_"Go home to him Woods. All this can wait."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Even when you're on leave you're better than everyone here. You keep this up and you'll have my job one day, but enjoy the kids while they're kids. It flies by. I missed my chance and I regret it now."_  
  
Indra sounds guilt-ridden.  
  
_"I will. Thank you."_ _  
__  
__"You won't. I know because you remind me of me, but at least I'll know I tried to talk sense into you."_  
  
Lexa nods and Indra walks out.  
  
Lexa goes back to the open file. She scans a few pages before her phone buzzes with an incoming text message.  
  
**Husband:** _"How are you feeling? Please tell me you took something."_  
  
**Lexa:** _"I'm not sick. I'm fine Clarke."_  
  
**Husband:** _"Can you stop being a bullheaded idiot? I'm having medication delivered to the house. You're taking it when you come back."_  
  
Lexa is typing her reply as Nick barges into her office.  
  
_"You're up GW."_  
  
Nick leaves the door open and walks away. Lexa really disliked him as a person sometimes, but she had to at least admit he was a decent lawyer.  
  
Lexa pockets her phone without finishing her reply to Clarke and rises from her desk heading for the conference room.

* * *

Lexa, Nick, Luciana, and Daniel sit around the conference room table going over the evidence against serial rapist James McCalister. They've been in the stuffy room for about three hours and as time has passed Lexa has felt her brain power diminish exponentially by the second. Her mouth feels like cotton and her tongue feels heavy. Too heavy. It's why she hasn't said much in the last half an hour.  
  
Luciana continues talking about what Lexa thinks is one of the victim's testimony, but she can't be sure. She's been incapable of focusing for a while now because for some reason the edges of her eyes are vignetting and it's become quite distracting. Maybe if she splashes some cold water on her face and stops by the kitchen for a drink on the way back she can sort it. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.  
  
Bathroom. Water. Kitchen. Drink. Bathroom. Water. Kitchen. Drink. Bathroom. Water. Kitchen. Drink.  
  
Lexa keeps repeating it to herself.  
  
Bathroom. Water. Kitchen. Drink.  
  
All she has to do is stand up and do those things in that order and she'll be fine.  
  
Lexa thinks someone is talking to her. Maybe it's Daniel. Could be. She'll figure it out in a second. She has a to-do list to accomplish.  
  
Stand. Bathroom. Water. Kitchen. Drink.  
  
Stand. All you have to do is stand Lexa. Stand.  
  
Lexa manages to get on her feet and the instant she does, the vignetting in her vision expands until her eyes see nothing but black.  
  
Lexa didn't even get through the first thing on her list.

* * *

The amount of muffled voices around her combined with whatever is pressing against her forehead make Lexa groan. She brings her hand to her face but feels something wet and sticky on the left side of her brow. It also hurts when she touches it which in turn makes her groan again.  
  
_"Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_  
  
Lexa grouses.  
  
_"There she is!"_  
  
Lexa blinks her eyes open to find Nick two inches away from her face.  
  
_"Told you guys she was fine. She has a hard noggin."_  
  
Lexa looks around her and aside from the last people she remembers being with, about half a dozen more have joined. Everyone is standing around staring at her and whispering. Lexa looks at them flummoxed. Luciana jumps in.  
  
_"You blacked out Lexa. Conference table softened the fall and you're bleeding. We should take you to the hospital."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No need. I'm fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You really don't look fine."_  
  
Nick interjects with a laugh. Lexa stares daggers at him.  
  
_"Everyone can go back to work. I just need some water and we can get on with this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Indra ordered we put you in a cab the moment you woke up."_  
  
Daniel informs Lexa as he dabs the wound on her forehead to see if it has stopped bleeding. It hasn't.  
  
_"I can work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She gave us specific instructions and said if you had a problem with them you could go to her office and discuss them in person."_  
  
Lexa mutters unintelligibly under her breath because she knows that basically means she has no choice in the matter. She makes to get up and when she falters Luciana catches her.  
  
_"Should we call your wife?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No! No. I'm good just...I'll get a cab."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll walk you down."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't need a babysitter."_  
  
Lexa says in true curmudgeon fashion.  
  
_"I'm aware, but it would make me feel better."_  
  
Lexa looks at her and hesitates before giving in and accepting her help.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Luciana smiles at her. They make their way down to the street and Luciana hails her a cab in no time. She puts Lexa in the back seat of the vehicle and sends her on her way.  
  
Lexa touches the swelling ball under the skin of her forehead and throws her head back on the seat when she realizes she's going to have an awfully hard time explaining that one to Clarke.

* * *

Clarke hastily chops vegetables to pour into the bubbling stock already going on the fire. She's trying to get it ready before Lexa comes home and has to take advantage of the fact that no one seems to need her right now. Jake sleeps in the play pen a few feet beyond the baby gate they have at the kitchen entrance in order to stop the girls from accessing the space and the endless dangers it hides. Costia, Anya, and Fish are zipping by running after each other. The girls chase the dog around and he does his best to avoid them.  
  
Clarke hums a melody to herself as she cuts some carrots and drops them into the pot. Her morning wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would. Everyone had taken a bath, everyone was fed, and no one had cried (...too much). That's the most Clarke could've asked for. She's had more eventful days with just the girls and for the moment she's glad that adding a third one to the mix didn't seem to be disastrous. At least not yet. If it wasn't for the fact that Jake had started sneezing about two hours before, then Clarke might have even called it a perfect morning.  
  
The girls shriek particularly loudly making Clarke wince.  
  
_"Hey."_ Clarke cranes her head so she can see where they're standing just out of view. _"Your brother is sleeping. Tone it down."_ _  
_  
_"Mommy, Fish is..."_  
  
The front door swings open and the familiar jingle of Lexa's keys sends the girls running towards her.  
  
_"No."_ Clarke haphazardly dries her hands, steps over the separator, and speed walks towards the front door in an attempt to stop the girls from getting all over the walking germ incubator that is their mother. _"Lexa, you already gave Jake whatever you have. He has been sneezing and finicky for the last two hou...what the hell happened to your face?"_  
  
Clarke is taken aback by the bruised and swollen top left half of Lexa's forehead.  
  
_"It's nothing. Just banged my head on a table."_  
  
The girls try to get Lexa's attention as they jump and scream between her and Clarke.  
  
_"Can you go play in your room? Take Fish with you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mommy..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Go."_  
  
Clarke tells them sternly. The girls run to the back of the apartment and the dog bolts behind them. She turns back to Lexa.  
  
_"How?"_  
  
Clarke presses knowing there's more to this story.  
  
_"It was a silly mishap."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa...how?"_  
  
Clarke repeats seriously.  
  
_"I fainted."_

Lexa mumbles in a weak attempt to avoid telling Clarke the truth.  

 _"What?! You fain...why didn't you call me? When? How did you get home? Do you have a concussion?"_  
  
Clarke walks up to her and begins examining the wound.  
  
_"I'm fine."_  
  
Clarke isn't dealing with the stubbornness anymore. She heads for the kitchen counter, grabs her phone, unlocks it, presses the screen a few times then brings it up to her ear.  
  
_"Hey mom. Are you at the hospital right now? Would you mind coming over? Lexa is sick and I think whatever she has, she gave to Jake. Uhum. No he doesn't have a fever, but..."_ Clarke walks over to Lexa and touches her forehead once more even though Lexa attempts to avoid her hand. _"...she does. She fainted at work and hit her head on a table. Yeah, she has a nasty bump on her forehead. There's blood but it doesn't seem deep. Yes. No, we don't. He nursed maybe half an hour ago. No. He's been sneezing and he coughed a little, but definitely no fever. I've kept an eye on that. Okay. Yeah. If he does I'll call you. Sure, I will. I'll see you soon. I love you. Bye."_ _  
_  
_"I'm fine. I don't know why you're making a big deal about it. Abby doesn't need to come."_

Lexa grumbles as she takes her blazer off. 

 _"You are burning up Lexa. Mom wants you two quarantined so you don't spread it to the girls. Bedroom. Now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There is nothing to spread because I'm not sick."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa, I swear. If you're not in bed by the time I'm done checking on that soup we're going to have a problem."_  
  
That's all Clarke has to say about that prior to heading back to the kitchen. Lexa trods to the bedroom with a gloom face and starts to cough.

* * *

Lexa walks into their bedroom and begins to undress. She sincerely tries to put everything in its rightful place, but she gives up halfway through and simply hurls her pants and shirt over the footrest of the bed. She throws on a t-shirt and some sweats and basically dives into bed. A moment later she hawks again.  
  
Lexa's chest sounds and feels like a rusty engine when she coughs. Breathing is starting to not only sting but also hurt. She's definitely...whatever it is that comes after congested. She leans forward in bed as she hacks into her fist. That's how Clarke finds her when she walks into the bedroom holding a glass of water in one hand and the sleeping newborn in the other.  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa the way she does at any of the kids when they're sick. She looks at Lexa like her heart is shattering. Clarke doesn't really do well when the girls are under the weather because it breaks her to see them suffering. Lexa is usually the one who is a champ at dealing with illnesses and at making her or the kids laugh even when they're unwell so whenever it's Lexa who is sick, Clarke feels utterly disarmed and ill-equipped.  
  
Clarke moves to her empty side of the mattress and makes a little pillow fort for Jake placing him at the center. Lexa continues to cough violently. Clarke rushes to the other side of the bed and sits next to Lexa rubbing her back. Once the coughing calms down, Lexa looks up at Clarke with the dimmest and droopiest eyes and Clarke can feel her stomach drop.  
  
_"Why is it that every time you're sick we have to go through this? Why can't you ever just admit you're not feeling well? It happens to everyone. You're not invincible."_  
  
Lexa started coughing again while Clarke spoke and continued to until long after she was done.  
  
_"Here. Have some water. It should help. I'm also making you tea."_  
  
Clarke brings the glass to Lexa's mouth and tries to get her to drink but Lexa coughs again and begins to choke on the liquid. Clarke stands up to pat her back trying to clear her airway. After over a minute of intense coughing that made a few of the blood vessels in Lexa's face strain, she is able to take a solid breath.  
  
_"You okay?"_  
  
Lexa nods as she tries to catch her breath.  
  
_"I'm going to go check on the girls. I'll bring you back more water and hot tea in a few minutes. Call me if you need anything."_  
  
Clarke grabs the glass from the nightstand and takes a few steps towards the door when Lexa speaks.  
  
_"Being sick was the worst thing that could happen when I was growing up."_  
  
Clarke turns to look at Lexa.  
  
_"When my mom was alive she would get upset if we were sick. It was an inconvenience to her. If it was just me, Anya would end up doing her best to make me better. If it was both of us, we were kind of screwed. Even then, Anya would try to take care of me."_  
  
Clarke moves back to sit on the bed and gives Lexa her full attention. Lexa has never shared this before. There’s a lot of things Lexa has yet to divulge and Clarke knows it, so in the rare occasions that Lexa willingly opens up about her past, Clarke always listens closely.  
  
_"Then I went into the system. It always changed from house to house, but usually they don't want you to get anyone else sick. They would separate you from the other kids. Some places it was the dusty basement. Some it was the creepy attic. In one place they put me in the backyard in a tent that was missing part of the top which defeated the point of the tent in the first place. I was nine and they left me out there for over a week. It got very cold at night which only made me sicker. They never fed us properly, gave us vitamins, or anything remotely healthy. I was sick a lot growing up so I eventually learned to do my best to hide it."_  
  
Clarke reverently caresses Lexa's thigh as she speaks.  
  
_"In one of the last group homes I was assigned to, I was the first one to get sick with a stomach bug but within a day everyone had it. Titus, the asshole Anya went to juvie for, he got really angry because one of the other girls threw up in the hallway while I was in the bathroom also being sick. He was waiting for me outside the door. He made me clean it before he hit me a few times. I guess I'd made his life more complicated that day and he had to get even. When he was done he took me out to the tool shed he had in the back with nothing but a bucket. He locked me in for two days. I don't...I've tried my best not to be sick ever since."_  
  
By the time Lexa was done talking Clarke had tears running down her face. She leans forward and kisses Lexa's lips then covers her face in more gentle, loving kisses.  
  
_"Lex, you didn't deserve that. None of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry if I'm difficult. I just don't like being sick. It's...complicated."_

Lexa looks away from Clarke embarrassed. 

 _"I wish I could find these people. I'd make them regret it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You'd scare the crap out of them. I'm sure."_  
  
Lexa tells her in jest trying to ease the mood.  
  
_"I would."_  
  
Lexa nods and smiles at Clarke.  
  
_"Lexa, you don't have to be scared of being weak in front of me. You can need me or other people and that's okay. I wish you would tell me these things."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They're nothing you must worry about."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They are. I_ **want** _to worry about them. The whole point of this marriage business is to share burdens, don't you think?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not if they happened long ago."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clearly a lot of those things still get to you Lex. You can share them with me."_  
  
Lexa nods and coughs again.  
  
_"I know."_

Clarke knows that’s about as much as she is going to get out of Lexa for the day and lets it go.

 _"I'll be back. Lay down."_  
  
Lexa does as told. Clarke kisses her forehead and leaves the room.  
  
Lexa lays in silence as she hears Clarke deal with the girls in the distance.

Before long, she begins to cough again. This time she wakes up the baby who whimpers before he sneezes. Lexa picks him up from the bed holding his head with her left hand while resting his tiny body on her forearm. She caresses his head with her free hand.  
  
_"I'm sorry I got you sick bud. I didn't mean to sneeze on you. I mean...viruses take a while to incubate so I'm sure I got you sick before that, but I doubt the germ spray helped."_  
  
The fully alert baby looks at her with what they've figured out will eventually be dazzling green eyes and Lexa smiles.  
  
_"Did you just stick your tongue out at me? I guess I deserve that. I did make you sick for the first time."_  
  
Jake sneezes and blows thick green snot all over his face. Lexa uses the edge of her t-shirt to wipe him clean. He begins to fuss.  
  
_"Are you hungry? I think your mom said you just ate. You shouldn't be. I couldn't help you even if you were. I'm not milk mom."_  
  
The baby whimpers and wiggles in her arms again and Lexa tries to figure out why he's grouchy. She looks at him going through the mental checklist until she hits 'diaper'. She brings him up to her face and when he's close enough she emphatically gags.  
  
_"What is milk mom feeding you? Ugh."_  
  
Lexa's nostrils were significantly clogged up yet somehow they still feel like they're on fire after getting a whiff of whatever was going on in there. That kid had impressively soiled some diapers, but even without seeing it she had a feeling this one had to take the cake. Lexa was starting to wonder if he was rotten inside...or maybe Clarke was. It had to be one of the two.  
  
_"Ok. We gotta get you out of that."_  
  
Lexa swings her feet over the edge of the bed just as Clarke walks in with more water and a steaming mug of tea.  
  
_"Where are you two going?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He needs to be changed. Badly."_  
  
Lexa accentuates the last word. Clarke puts the tea and the water on the bedside table and takes the baby from Lexa.  
  
_"Get back in bed. Mom just texted. She's almost here."_  
  
Clarke lays him down on the plush duvet and grabs some of the baby wipes and diapers they had strewn on the dresser. Clarke remembers how pristine their room used to be when it was just the two of them. Lexa's neatness always shone through. Those days are certainly long gone. 

Lexa picks up the tea, rests it between both her hands, and sips.

Clarke undoes Jake's onesie and then undoes the straps on his diaper before pulling the front back.

They both simultaneously dry heave.  
  
_"Oh god."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_  
  
Clarke immediately closes the diaper back up, brings her hand to cover her mouth and nose before facing Lexa who is coughing again.  
  
_"My eyes burn."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What are we feeding him?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's your department Clarke. How could you not know?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa and shrugs.  
  
_"I claim no responsibility for_ **that** _."_

Lexa immediately knows what needs to happen and throws the covers off her.  _  
_ _  
_ _"We need to tag team this one. Fast and efficient. I hold his legs and you wipe. We get it done quickly."_  
  
Lexa scoots up behind the baby who looks up at her confused.  
  
_"I have a better idea."_ Clarke tilts her head and looks at Lexa smugly.  _"We let my mom handle it."_

_"What?"_

_"She should be here any second. We'll just pretend we never saw it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke...we can't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you really want me to open that diaper up again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not particularly. No."_  
  
Lexa fervently shakes her head.  
  
_"Then play along."_  
  
Clarke buttons up Jake's onesie anew and puts back the diaper and the wipes on the dresser.  
  
_"We're awful Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's a doctor. She's seen worse."_  
  
Like clockwork, the doorbell rings.  
  
_"Don't ruin this."_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa before she exits the room with the baby on her shoulder. Lexa hears her wife greet Abby at a distance and say something about checking on the soup and a diaper. Abby seems to eagerly agree. Lexa hears Abby walk down the hallway.

Abby pops in her head into the bedroom as she passes it heading toward the nursery. 

 _"Hi sweetheart."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hey. Thanks for coming. There really was no need. Clarke is just exaggerating."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll be back in a second. Apparently this handsome guy might need a diaper change."_  
  
Abby kisses Jake's head and retreats from the doorway.

Lexa hears her walking into the nursery next door and move around the room collecting the things she needs. 

Clarke walks into the master bedroom a few seconds later and sits on the bed next to Lexa. They look at each other without talking and listen intently. Moments of silence pass until a loud retch cuts right through the wall separating the master bedroom from the nursery.  
  
_"Oh heavens, Jacob."_  
  
They hear the words muffled through the wall and Clarke has to cover her mouth to not let her laughter betray them. Lexa tries not to, she truly does, but eventually she has to laugh as well. Clarke presses her head into Lexa's chest to drown out her cackling as the sounds Abby is making in the nursery keep coming at a steady pace. Lexa attempt to drown out her laugh trigger a coughing fit.  
  
_"Lex."_  
  
Clarke rubs Lexa's chest soothingly as she tries to tone down her guffawing. Both Clarke and Lexa's faces are red and there's tears in their eyes but for very different reasons.  
  
Lexa is in the middle of a serious coughing frenzy when Abby walks into the room with the baby resting on her arms.  
  
_"This guy has a healthy digestive system. That's for sure."_  
  
Clarke erupts into laughter again. She tries to cover her face and play it down but Abby notices.  
  
_"Oh...I see. Grandma was the patsy, wasn't she?"_  
  
Abby looks at the baby directing the question at him.  
  
_"No idea what you're talking about."_  
  
Clarke replies playfully knowing they've been caught.  
  
_"You're lucky he's cute."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He is. Isn't he?"_ Clarke walks towards her mother and kisses the newborn. _"I'm going to leave you with them and go feed the girls lunch. I made plenty of soup if you want some."_ _  
_  
_"Ok, darling."_  
  
Clarke kisses her mother on the cheek and turns to Lexa.  
  
_"Don't be a bad patient."_  
  
Lexa rolls her eyes.  
  
_"I won't."_  
  
Clarke smiles at her and exits the room leaving her wife and her mother alone.  
  
Abby places the baby on the bed and turns to face Lexa.  
  
_"Sit up straight."_  
  
Abby goes through the routine of checking Lexa out. She looks at the bump on Lexa’s head, she listens to her lungs, examines her throat, and has her list her symptoms. Once she has everything she makes a conclusion.  
  
_"I think it's just a bad cold. Some medicine and a few days of real rest and you should be back to normal. The laceration isn't too deep either. Nothing that needs stitches. It'll heal on its own and the swelling will go down within 48 to 72 hours, but I'll run to get you some antibacterial ointment to be safe and prevent an infection. Especially since your immune system is compromised right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I told her it was fine. I'm sorry she dragged you here."_

Lexa, appreciative of the visit, smiles at her mother-in-law.

 _"I'm glad she did. Colds this early on could be dangerous for babies but he seems okay right now. As long as he doesn't get a fever and you keep his airways clean, I have no reason to worry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's good."_  
  
_"Run a vaporizer and use a bulb syringe to clear him up if he sounds too congested."_

Abby runs her hands over the little guy’s chest.

 _"Ok. We'll be sure to do that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you guys okay outside of this? Sleeping well? Eating?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, we're fine. He's been pretty easy. Honestly, I feel like after Cos we're prepared for any newborn."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You guys looked terrible for like the first three months."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's because she kept us awake for the first three months."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"Clarke looks happy. You both do."_  
  
Abby tells Lexa honestly.  
  
_"I think we're in a good place."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think so too. Are the girls adjusting okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They love on him all day long. Sometimes too hard."_ Lexa laughs. _"Especially Cos. She's all over 'baby brudder' as often as she can. I have a feeling she's going to spoil him."_  
  
Abby smiles and lets the silence linger for a beat.  
  
_"I'm glad you convinced her to do this. I think being a mom looks great on Clarke. I’ll also be selfish and say I love having them."_

Abby smiles brightly thinking about all the joy the kids have brought into her life. They made her rediscover the kind of happiness she never thought she would feel after her husband died. She will always feel a certain degree of melancholy about the fact that he’s missing out on seeing their little girl this happy. 

 _"She's pretty fantastic."_  
  
Lexa replies earnestly.  
  
_"So are you Lexa."_ Abby rests her hand on Lexa's knee. _"Remember how scared you were before Costia was born? I told you you had nothing to worry about and I was right."_  
  
_"It's all because of Clarke."_  
  
The door opens and Clarke walks in.  
  
_"My ears were ringing. I knew you were talking about me. What did I do now?"_  
  
Clarke smiles from the doorway.

_“Be the best.”_

Lexa looks at Clarke and smiles. Abby gets up from the bed and heads towards her daughter. 

 _"Common cold. Nothing to worry about unless her fever gets worse or he gets a fever at all. I'm going to run to the store and get you some things, particularly for the gash on her forehead. Keep them hydrated and fed. Barring any complications, they should be back to normal in a few days."_ Abby kisses Clarke's cheek and moves past her. _"I'm going to pick up some essentials and I'll be back in a bit."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thanks mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Grandma!"_ _  
_  
The girls scream in the distance as Abby walks past the dining room where they're sloppily making it through their lunch.  
  
_"I'll be back in a bit to play with you guys. Okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay!"_  
  
Clarke heard Costia reply excited followed by the front door opening and closing in succession. She walks further into the bedroom and sits on the bed.  
  
_"I told you I was fine."_  
  
Lexa scolds her.  
  
_"You're not fine. You're sick. Quit being a hard head. Soup's pretty much ready and they're almost done with lunch. I'll be back once they are. Mom can watch them for a bit while you eat and I try to nurse him again. In the meantime, relax. Do you want the remote?"_  
  
_"No. I'll read."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's head. Lexa reaches for the book on her bedside table and allows her bookmark to guide her as to where she has to crack it open. 

* * *

Clarke doesn't come back for another twenty minutes. Not until after the girls are done eating and Abby is back to help clean up the mess they made all over the dining room. Abby agrees to watch them while Clarke takes over Sick Babies duty.  
  
Clarke assembles a tray with a soup, toasted bread, juice, vitamins, and cold medicine spread for Lexa. She makes it all the way to the bedroom and manages to juggle the tray on one hand long enough so she can open the door.  
  
_"Lex, eat this while it's h..."_  
  
When Clarke's eyes reach the bed she comes across one of the most enchanting and rousing things she has seen to date.  
  
Lexa is asleep on her back with the book on her chest. Her right arm is fully extended across the mattress on her right side and her left arm is bent over the pillow with the side of her forehead resting gently on it. Her mouth hangs slightly open and she softly snores. Jake is lying directly next to Lexa and sleeping in the **_exact_ ** same position. He’s unintentionally mimicking her down to the most miniscule of details.  
  
Clarke had started to notice the similarities between the two before. There's small facial movements. There's the dark hair that neither of the girls have. There's the eyes they know will be speckled bright green soon enough. There's all these big and little things about him that screamed “Lexa” to Clarke, but she always assumed it was too early to really be positive.  
  
Clarke has started to notice the similarities between the two before, but this is the first moment Clarke can't chalk it up to her imagination. This one is undeniable and Clarke can't help but get a tad emotional. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and snaps a picture.  
  
She stands there for a full minute taking in the image of the two of them sleeping peacefully without a care in the world before she slowly walks out extremely cautiously trying to avoid waking them.  
  
This is the instant Clarke's gut feeling that those two were going to be something special together was cemented.  
  
Clarke often thinks about that afternoon and constantly revisits that photo after Jake dies. It's one of the memories that hurt the most. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	16. November 2030

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wrote 16 chapters and over 100k in less than a month. 25 days to be exact. That is madness. Thank you guys for sticking with this. There is plenty of story still to go. :)
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**November 2030**

_“Don’t forget that your midterm is fifty percent of your grade. Take it seriously.”_

The middle aged teacher points to the grading breakdown she had written on the smartboard.

A schoolbell rings.  
  
The moment it does, the approximately two dozen students that seconds ago sat in absolute silence suddenly erupt in loud chatter.

Fifteen year old Costia hastily stuffs her AP US History textbook into her backpack craving to get out of there as soon as possible. Once her backpack is closed, she hurriedly throws her heavy coat over her regulation uniform.

Costia hated that uniform more than she could ever fully express and could never cover it soon enough. She resented the fact that the girls were required to wear a knee length pleated skirt, navy blue socks, a navy blue cardigan, a white or wine red button down shirt, and a clip-on tie. It was all too much and all too uncomfortable. The main reason Costia looked forward to the weekends was because she didn’t have to see people wearing that eye sore for two days.

Once her coat is zipped, Costia throws a single backpack strap over her shoulder, and heads for the door.  

* * *

A tight knit group of more than mildly attractive sophomore girls converges in the hallway after having separate class periods. Costia moves up to the ground floor two steps at a time after taking classes in one of the classrooms on the lower levels. Tris and Fox exit a meeting room on the left, Roma runs down the stairs avoiding whoever got in her way, and Denae walks from her locker on the right side of the expansive hallway. 

_"That was boring as fuck."_

Fox half groans at her closest girl friends once they all meet up. They all seem to share the sentiment about their respective classes. 

_"Smoke break?"_

Roma looks around the group.

_“Please! I need one after spending two whole hours with Mr. Ginsburg.”_

Denae chips in. The rest of the girls laugh and they begin moving.

_“Can I bum one from one of you? I had to sit on my pack. My mom walked into the room when I had them on the bed. They’re fucked and I haven’t had a chance to get more.”_

Fox asks the group as Costia interlocks her arms with her friend.

_"Duh. As many as you want.”_

Tris throws Fox her full pack of black Camel Crush. Fox looks at her and winks.

_“Love you!”_

The fivesome make a left at the end of the hallway and head for the back of the main campus where the new science building is being erected. They usually hang out by the construction debris during their free periods or when they want to skip class. No one ever bothers them there.

The girls chat animated as they walk. They turn the corner that should’ve lead them to a quiet and familiar spot, but instead they come across five of the rowdiest junior guys being loud while loitering in what should have been their super secret hideout.  
  
Dax, Connor, Mbege, Sterling, and Diggs roughhouse around the miniscule pile of snow that the dryer than usual winter has gifted them with until they notice the girls. Dax whistles.  
  
_"Eyo. If one of you wants to have fun I have the next two periods free and I'm packing."_

Dax grabs his genitals forcefully and rattles them crassly in their direction. 

The girls roll their eyes and ignore his comments. Everyone knew those five guys were trouble. Engaging them would have been a waste of time. The girls light their respective cigarettes and begin talking amongst each other.  
  
Dax, not taking a hint, approaches them. Costia was the one closest to him. Naturally, she's his first target. Dax is much taller than Costia and it takes minimal effort for him to throw his arm over her shoulder.  
  
_"You look good today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Go away."_

Roma tries to shoo him.

Dax very indiscreetly fondles Costia's left breast with his dangling hand. Costia forcefully moves his arm from her shoulder and pushes him away hard enough that he stumbles back.  
  
_"Don't fucking touch me."_  
  
Dax laughs not taking her seriously and moves towards her again. He moves his hand up in an attempt to caress her face and she instantly smacks his hand away.  
  
_"I told you not to touch me."_  
  
Dax turns to his cretin friends and laughs.  
  
_"I like it when they're hot and feisty."_ He focuses on Costia anew and steps forward to close the distance between them. _"I bet I could make you behave."_  
  
Dax tries to lean down to steal a quick kiss from her but Costia smacks his face away from hers.  
  
_"Never. Not even in your dreams."_  
  
Dax, aggravated at the fact that a younger girl just embarrassed him in front of his friends, snarls at her.  
  
_"Guess she really is crazy like her psycho dyke mom."_  
  
Dax turns to face the gaggle of idiots behind him. He makes a crude hand signal that simulates oral sex. The other boys follow his lead at once and begin to imitate him while cackling and looking directly at Costia.  
  
Costia slides her bag off her shoulders in one clean and swift motion. She heads for Dax.  
  
_"This bitch needs some dick to show her what's good."_  
  
Dax's back is turned to Costia. He never sees her coming. Costia shoves him with more strength than she ever knew she had. He had no chance to brace for the force behind the push and forcefully falls face first to the ground.  
  
_"What did you say?"_

Costia lifts her chin in a hostile manner.

 _"What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking cunt?"_  
  
Dax hastily gets up and towers over her. Costia never falters. They stare at each other ardently. Tris walks up to Costia and tries to remove her from the situation.  
  
_"We can find somewhere else to smoke, Cos. Come on."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Say it again. I fucking dare you."_  
  
Costia challenges the older and taller man without hesitation. Fox makes her way to Costia as well and tries to make them leave.  
  
_"Your mom is a crazy lesbo."_

Dax turns to the boys egging him on from behind for a split second to get validation. They all cackle at his distasteful word choices. Dax looks back to Costia.

_"Everyone knows she lost her mind after she got filled with lead."_

Costia licks her lips. Although she visibly remains calm and collected to anyone looking at the scenario unfold, inside she is rankling.

Dax laughs in Costia's face. Costia clears her throat and turns to her friends. 

 _"He thinks he's funny."_  
  
Costia keeps her eyes on her friends.  
  
_"I am f..."_  
  
In that moment the hard tip of Costia's boot makes direct and forceful contact with Dax's tiny testicles. Costia turns to glare at him. He audibly whimpers and bends his body forward giving Costia full, unprotected access to his face. She swings with her entire body weight behind it and one of the rings on her fingers must've cut his cheek when her fist made contact with his bone because the older kid is suddenly bleeding.

Dax falls sideways to the floor clutching his crotch. Within seconds Costia is on top of him. She turns him on his back perching on his chest and consequently his arms since his hands are still holding on to his pummeled pecker. Costia has him pinned down completely as her fists clobber his face. Repeatedly. With no clear indication that she has any intention to stop any time in the near future. 

_"Costia!”_

Tris yelps at the sight of her friend beating up a guy that is easily twice her size.

_“What the fuck?!"_

Her friends scream from behind her, but Costia is abruptly seeing red. She has two and a half years of pent up rage that is suddenly finding a more than satisfactory release. Costia wouldn't know how to stop even if she tried. Not that she wants to. At all.  
  
Both groups of friends stand there discombobulated. Neither of them knows exactly how they should approach this. It’s all happening too fast. The guys won't hit a girl and the girls don't know what to do because they've never seen Costia be anything but bitchy at best. Never enraged and certainly never violent.  
  
Dax somehow manages to slip one of his arms from under Costia’s body weight and begins to push her face away in an attempt to stop the battering of his face. He's definitely stronger than the girl currently sitting on him and he's succeeding without too much of an effort on his part. He’s quickly decreasing the amount of times Costia’s fist makes contact with his face but he can’t get away completely seeing as she’s still affixed to his chest.  
  
Tris comes up behind Costia and tries to pull her off the guy, but Costia evades or slips out of her hold several times.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye Costia sees a rock about the size of her fist a few inches away resting amidst the thin layer of snow. Without even remotely contemplating what she was doing, Costia reaches for the rock and viciously slams it against the side of Dax's head. The solid rock and the hollow skull connect with a grisly clonk. Blood immediately gushes out from underneath his split skin and the snow below them stains red straightaway. Dax’s hand flies off Costia’s face and moves to the side of his head. He screams when he feels the warm and sticky liquid flowing steadily out of him.  
  
Dax’s friends careen over to where they both lie on the frozen dirt. Sterling tries to push Costia off Dax but she instinctively swings at him too.  
  
Fox, Roma, and Denae join Tris in trying to yank their best friend off the older student. Costia squawks at the bleeding student.  
  
_"Was the psycho dyke enough for you?! Hmmm?!"_  
  
The girls try to drag her away further, but Costia is kicking wildly and forcefully resisting any intervention.  
  
_"Say it again! Ever! I fucking dare you!"_

There are four people trying to hold Costia back at this point and they are barely succeeding at keeping her from jumping on Dax once more.

_"Cos, come on. It's not worth it."_

Tris tries to convince her friend to walk away.

 _"If you ever talk about my mom again I'll fuck you up! I'll fucking kill you!"_  
  
Costia thrashes against the eight arms insistently trying to hold her back and keep her firmly in place to prevent her from walking back over to the curled up guy on the floor.  
  
_"What the hell has gotten into you Cos?!"_

Roma attempts to get her friend’s attention and force her to snap out of her rage induced daze. Mbege turns to Costia.

 _"You're a fucking lunatic bitch! We know where you got it from."_  
  
At the sound of another jab at her mother, Costia renews her efforts of pushing past the sea of arms holding her back to move over to where the guys stand over Dax.  
  
_"Cos! Stop!"_

Tris restrains her as hard as she can. 

The commotion has caused a teacher who was walking down the closest hallway to come investigate the source of the screaming.  
  
He notices the bleeding boy on the floor and runs to him. When he surveys the severity if the injuries he turns to one of the girls.  
  
_"Go get Mr. Miller!"_  
  
Fox runs off towards the main building while a hyperventilating Costia and the rest of the kids stay behind.

* * *

Clarke walks out of the principal's office. An older African American man with salt and pepper hair emerges soon after.

Clarke is wearing a skin tight pencil dress and heels that make her thirty-eight year old butt look not a day over nineteen. Her hair is curled and her makeup done. Clarke isn’t always this dressed up. She sometimes works from home or is out scouting talent in different parts of the city to recruit them into the gallery’s roster of artists, but judging by her current get up, Costia can tell Clarke had definitely been at the gallery that day. 

 _"Thank you Mr. Miller."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll let you know what the board decides."_  
  
Costia sits on a bench adjacent to the door surveying her cut up knuckles.  
  
Mr. Miller shakes Clarke's hand. Clarke gives the older man a weak smile and turns to look at Costia. Her demeanor switches to a stern one.  
  
_"Move."_  
  
Clarke walks past her daughter and towards the door without saying anything else.  
  
_"What's going on?"_  
  
Costia practically jogs after Clarke who exits the elegantly designed and decorated main office in a haste. Clarke proceeds to stomp down the locker filled hallway. The clanking of her heels booms and echoes resonating through the empty space.  
  
_"You're suspended for at least a week or until they can settle on what to do with you. That’s apparently the good news. They've yet to decide if you're getting expelled or not. The board will talk about it at their Friday meeting."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Expelled? Why?!"_  
  
Clarke swiftly turns on the balls of her feet and stalks up to Costia.  
  
_"The boy you hit is currently in the hospital getting stitches Costia. They are trying to convince his parents not to press charges. It's mostly to avoid the scandal, but that is actually good for us. You're lucky if they succeed. We don't know if that's happening yet either."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He deserved it."_

Costia barks back at Clarke.

 _"Why?! Explain to me what a seventeen year old could he have possibly done to get you to physically assault him?"_  
  
Costia stares down her mother and then pushes past her without saying anything.  
  
_"You know where I was? I was at a meeting with the biggest private collector the gallery has ever come across. A collector_ **I** _found. One that took me months to court to possibly become one of our clients and buyers. One of_ **my** _clients Costia. I finally got him to come in for a meeting and I had to walk out of that same meeting to come and deal with this."_  
  
Clarke follows Costia, both of them now trying to outpace each other.  
  
_"No one said you had to."_  
  
Costia turns to make eye contact with Clarke before pushing open the main doors to the school and walking outside.  
  
At the breakneck pace they're going they've hit the deserted parking lot in just a few minutes.

Clarke's anger is starting to fester. Both their tempers are about to go head to head. 

 _"Your grandparents pulled strings to get you in here. We're trying to get Anya in here next year and you know it! We get you into one of the most competitive schools in the city and this is what you do at the beginning of your sophomore year? What is wrong with you?!"_  
  
Costia abruptly stops, swivels her body, and locks her jaw. Her nostrils are flaring in anger. Her breathing is shallow. There's choleric tears threatening to fall.  
  
_"He's lucky the rock wasn't bigger or I would've fucked his shit up even more."_  
  
Clarke stops dead on her tracks.  
  
_"Fuck him and fuck all of you. Let them fucking expel me. Guess what? I don't care."_  
  
Costia throws her backpack over her shoulder and darts away moving as fast as she can, knowing very well that Clarke won't be able to catch her in those heels.  
  
_"Costia!"_  
  
Costia runs away further.  
  
_"God damn it!"_

* * *

Costia walks the familiar path into the cemetery. Her exhales leave foggy trails just past her mouth. It’s cold, but not too cold to be here. At least not yet. She walks the ten or so minutes to the hill that's become a regular spot for her lately.  
  
_"Hey Agnes. How's it going?"_  
  
Costia says sweetly as she plops down on the grass in front of the decrepit headstone. She looks to her left and many feet away can see Lexa sitting in front of Costia's grave.  
  
Costia followed Lexa for the first time about six months after Jake died. She lost Lexa on the train or a random sidewalk on more than a few occasions, but Costia eventually managed to stick with her mother the entire time she was en route to...somewhere. This is where Lexa led her. Costia didn’t understand where they were at first because this is not the cemetery Jake is buried at. At least that would’ve made sense to her. Once Lexa left that day, Costia went to see who the grave belonged to and to her surprise she found her own name staring back at her. It was certainly a riveting way to finally get to meet her namesake.

Costia has been coming here on and off since that day. She's got to give it to Lexa, it is definitely a good place to get away. Costia has even made friends with Agnes. Agnes has been dead since 1944 yet still seems to have retained her pretty impressive listening skills.

 _"I might have messed up today."_  
  
Costia lays against the headstone and looks over at Lexa who appears to be talking to her own dead ghost.  
  
_"I think my mom is really mad at me. I hate it when she's mad at me. Dax had it coming though. He's always been a dick. He said those things about Lexa and I don't know...I just couldn't stop myself."_  
  
Costia feels her phone buzz for the hundredth time since she left Clarke standing at the school parking lot. She pulls the phone out of her backpack. _"Mom"_ flashes on the screen. She lays it on her lap. It stops ringing.  
  
Almost immediately after, in the distance she can see Lexa pick up her phone from her own lap to look at it and then lay it back onto her thigh in the same way she had just done. Costia assumes that one is now ringing too.  
  
_"I'm going to be grounded for so long Agnes. Fuck."_  
  
Costia slides further down the slab so she can rest her head on top of the tombstone.  
  
_"I hope mom doesn't tell Lexa. I don't want her to know. She doesn’t need to know. That would suck."_  
  
Costia leans for her backpack, unzips it, and pulls out her red Moleskin and a pen. She flutters through pages filled with words and musical notations until she lands on a blank sheet near the back. She bends her knees and scoots them up so she can rest the notebook on her lap without having to change positions. She brings the pen to the top left corner of the page and after gathering her thoughts for a moment she begins to write.  
  
Within two hours Costia has the lyrics to a full song.  
  
By the third hour she's sort of - maybe - hummed herself into a melody.  
  
A few minutes after that her phone rings.  
  
Costia has half a mind to ignore it because she assumes it's her mom, her Aunt Raven, or her friends for the millionth time this afternoon, but she checks the screen anyway. A picture of her and nine year old Roa fills the display.

Costia never ignores a call if it’s one of her sisters. Not since Jake died. She ignored many of his calls or texts if she was out or busy and she has come to regret every single one of them.

 _"Hey sissy."_  
  
Costia raises the phone to her ear and holds it in place with her shoulder as she continues to write. She scrunches her face when she hears what Roa has to say.  
  
_"Oh no. Again? Ro...you have to stop missing your bus."_  
  
Costia begins to hastily pack as she gets on her feet. As soon as she's up she runs for the entrance.  
  
Roa was a little space cadet. She lived in Jupiter half the time and some fairy tale land the other half. She was always daydreaming of something or another. Clarke thinks Roa's vivid imagination is her way of shielding and removing herself from the bad things that have happened in the last few years. The little girl's constant distraction often causes her to disassociate and lose track of time. That tends to result in her starting a game with one of her many invisible friends after school and then missing the school bus home.  
  
The first time she missed her bus Roa called Clarke. Clarke was at a fancy lunch with some clients and didn't see the calls until much later. Roa tried Lexa. Lexa never answered. Roa then tried Costia who showed up sweaty and out of breath twenty minutes later to pick her up. Roa was the last kid left at the school. Costia knew it and had ran most of the way there when she decided that public transportation was taking too long.

When Costia arrived there were only two people at the premises: Roa and the secretary that had graciously stayed behind to make sure the seven year old got claimed. That day Costia told Roa to call her before anyone else if she ever needed anything. Roa has been doing just that since. Nowadays Costia ends up picking her sister up at school several times a week. Whenever she does, they always stop for ice cream at the small shop a block away from Roa's school on the way home. Neither Clarke nor Lexa have any idea this is a routine thing that happens. They've never even noticed.  
  
_"It's going to take me a while to get there because I'm not close by, but I'm coming. If they lock up the school just go to TonDC to stay warm. If you get hungry tell Art to give you a cone and I'll pay for it when I get there. Be careful crossing the street. You have to remember to look both ways."_  
  
Costia runs as fast as she can towards the cemetery gates.

* * *

Costia has ran herself sweaty even though it’s near freezing outside. She gets to the elementary school almost an hour later and the gates are locked. She’s completely out of breath but she runs the extra block down to TonDC and as she stands across the street waiting for the light to change she spots Roa swinging her dangling feet in the air as she sits at one of the corner booths.  
  
Costia presses the button repeatedly even though she knows full well it won't make the light change any faster. She paces at the corner and when the light finally gives her the right of way she runs across the street.

* * *

Costia dashes into the artisanal ice cream shop trying to catch her breath.

TonDC feels rustic and homey. The walls are light brown wood panels adorned with decals of golden pothos vines and on each leaf a flavor of ice cream is featured. 

 _"Hey Costia."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hey."_  
  
Costia smirks at Artigas. The cute boy behind the counter smiles back. Art is working nearly every time they patron the store so they’ve become familiar with each other. He’s yet to make a move, but Costia undoubtedly and shamelessly flirts with him every time she's in here encouraging him to do so. She’s spent way too much money on ice cream, even during the winter, for him not to ask her out at least once.  
  
_"Cos!"_  
  
Roa bolts up and runs to her sister. Costia wraps her arms around her and guides them back to the booth where Roa sat.  
  
_"Did you eat?"_  
  
Roa nods.  
  
_"Art gave me two whole scoops."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok good. What are you working on?"_  
  
Costia points to the mess of drawings on Roa's notebook.  
  
_"We have to draw the solar system for Mrs. Sydney's class."_  
  
Costia turns the notebook in her direction and quickly notices whatever is on that page is anything but a solar system. There's a cloud, what she thinks may be a shark, a couple of people in space suits, and a horse. There’s a few other squiggles she can’t really make out, but definitely not a single planet in sight.  
  
_"Ok. Scoot over."_ Costia moves to Roa's side of the booth and sits next to her little sister. _"Do you have your book?"_

Roa shakes her head no. Costia pulls out her phone and searches for an image.

 _"That's what the solar system actually looks like."_  Costia presents the phone to the little girl who oohs and ahhs in wonder. _"Do you want me to help you draw it?"_

_"Yes!"_

Roa nods emphatically.  
  
Costia searches her bag for a pencil and grabs Roa's hand patiently guiding it as they make it through the planets. They stay there until the drawing is finished and colored.

As they went along Costia did her best to explain why each thing was the way it was to Roa. She knew Roa didn't listen to half of what she said, but she had at least tried.  
  
They stay there for about another hour before Costia decides they should head home. She attempts to pay Art for the ice cream Roa ate, but he insists it's on the house.

Costia zips up Roa's jacket, puts on her hat, and stuffs her small hands into her gloves before they step outside and trek home.

* * *

Costia unlocks the front door and Roa bolts in heading for her room, rushing to tune in to whatever cartoons are on at the time.  
  
_"Don't drag snow all over the house Ro!"_  
  
Costia knows it's too late. The little girl is already gone.

Costia takes off her jacket, boots, gloves, and hat throwing them in the labeled bins that live by the front door during winter time as she goes. When she turns to walk further into the apartment someone is standing there staring at her. 

 _"Oh..."_  
  
Clarke was home early. Shit.  
  
_"Oh? Oh?! Since when do you think you can screen my calls Costia?"_  
  
Clarke's hair is in a messy bun. She's barefoot and wearing and old t-shirt and shorts. She is drying her hands with a rag and smells like paint. It's obvious that she was at the back-room-turned-home-studio either finishing or working on a new painting. She's been getting a lot of that done lately. If anything, the last few years have made Clarke quite prolific.  
  
_"I'm tired. I don't feel like arguing mom. Here's my phone."_ Costia willingly puts it on the entryway table. _"Just tell me how long I'm grounded for and I'll put it in my calendar."_  
  
Costia looks at her passively indicating she's not looking to start anything.  
  
_"Where were you?"_  
  
_"Walking."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Where?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Around."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Where?"_  
  
Clarke pushes insistently.  
  
_"I'm not trying to pick a fight. Why are you trying to start one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You assaulted someone today. I get to ask all the questions I want and you answer them."_  
  
_"I was at the park."_  Costia easily lies.  _"Geez! I thought Lexa was the one who interrogated people."_  
  
Costia attempts to walk past Clarke to get to her room.  
  
_"Why?"_  
  
Clarke grabs her by the arm and keeps her in the living room.  
  
_"Why what?"_  
  
Costia replies annoyed.  
  
_"I got off the phone with Dax's mom not long ago. He got nine stitches on the side of his head."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Only nine? I should've hit him harder then."_  
  
Costia deadpans Clarke which vexes Clarke even further.  
  
_"This isn't a joke Costia. If I hadn't talked them out of it, you could be getting arrested right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wasn't a joke. I'm sure Aunt Anya could've given me 'How To Survive Jail' tips."_

Costia quips in the most incredibly blasé manner.

 _"This isn't funny. This isn't a standup routine. This isn't something to be snarky about. Did you even think about what this could mean? About the consequences? How selfish can you be?!"_  
  
Clarke is furious. If there's one downside to Clarke getting heated is that she tends to say things she doesn't mean. That last one certainly came out a little harsher than she intented.  
  
_"He said Lexa was a pyscho dyke! He called her a crazy lesbo! He made fun of her getting shot!"_  
  
Clarke's words suddenly escape her.  
  
_"This wasn't about me! This was about her! It's always about her. I know people say things. I know about all the rumors. No one had ever said them to my face. They're cowards. They wouldn't. But he did and he was gross about it so I hit him. He deserved it. If you want to ground me, fine, I'll take it because I don't regret it."_  
  
Costia's eyes begins to fill with the worst kind of tears: angry tears.  
  
_"Costia..."_  
  
Clarke takes a step towards her daughter, her anger washing away with every second that passes. Costia takes a step back while trying her best not to cry.  
  
_"You can't tell her. You can't ever tell her mom. Promise me. You can't Lexa her this was about her."_  
  
Costia's tears begin to fall.  
  
_"Why? Why don't you want your mom to know?"_  
  
Clarke asks gently trying to understand her daughter's reasoning even though Clarke has a good idea that this was more about Costia not wanting Lexa to know her daughter had stood up for her than anything else.  
  
_"Because...she just can't. Mom, promise me?"_  
  
Costia almost begs Clarke.  
  
_"I can't do that Cos. Your mom needs to know what happened. You're suspended and could be expelled. I can't hide this from her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can tell her what happened without telling her why. He groped me too! Tell her it was about that."_  
  
Clarke can tell that Costia is deeply upset and attempts to move closer to her once more but Costia steps back yet again.  
  
_"Costia..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mom, you can't tell her. I'm begging you."_ Costia is sobbing by now. _"Please mom."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath. She refuses to promise Costia that she won't tell Lexa when she could never hide something this big from her wife, but she thinks of a compromise.  
  
_"I have to tell your mom what happened. She'll know how to navigate the legal side of things. I'll explain the situation but I won't tell her why unless she asks. Does that seem fair?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want her to know!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's as much as I can give you Costia. If your mom doesn't ask why then I won't tell her."_  
  
Costia, mortified at the thought of Lexa finding out the reason behind the fight, runs back to her room and slams the door behind her.  
  
Clarke remains alone in the living room. She rubs her paint stained hands over her face and groans loudly before heading toward the back of the apartment. Her first stop would be the nursery to make sure six month old Aden wasn’t woken up by the screaming or the door slamming, then she’d settle in with Roa and get her started with her homework.

* * *

Clarke boldly strokes the dripping brush across the sizeable canvas. She didn’t know what this was meant to be or where it was going but her hands were moving and shapes were forming. That’s about as much as she can think about right now.

Sometime after midnight Clarke hears the front door open. She hastily makes her way from the studio to meet the one person in the family who had yet to return to the house that night.

Lexa is hanging her jacket on her respective hook when Clarke meets her at the hallway.

_"I need to talk to you."_

_"I have a headache, Clarke."_  
  
Lexa moves past her heading for her office. Clarke follows her. Lexa walks into her office and sits on her desk chair burying her pounding head in her hands.  
  
_"If I call you several dozen times that probably means it's important. What is it with none of you answering my calls?"_  
  
_"What part of 'I have a headache' was not clear? I can do my best to explain whichever one it was further."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke coldly. Clarke closes the door behind her to give them privacy and keep their voices in.  
  
_"We have something to talk about."_

Lexa closes her eyes and rubs the sides of her temple in a circular motion trying to relieve the dull throbbing inside her cranium. 

 _"We have nothing to talk about. Not tonight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia almost went to jail today and you couldn't be bothered to answer your phone. Where were you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Out."_

Lexa barks back. She’s really not in the mood for this right now. 

 _"The one word answers I keep getting from everyone in this house are really starting to be annoying."_  
  
Clarke's patience is getting tested pretty extremely today.  
  
_"I was out. There, that's three words. Can you leave my office now? I can't deal with the pointless screaming tonight."_  
  
Clarke slams her open palm on the table. It reverberates through the room. Lexa’s eyes snap open. Clarke’s eyes lock steadfast on Lexa's. Her point has been clearly made.  
  
_"Costia could've realistically gone to jail and you won't even tell me where you were while that happened. While I was dealing with it by myself. As I have done_ **everything** _for the last two and a half years Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clearly you didn't need my help."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clearly."_

Clarke spits out sarcastically. Lexa closes her eyes and resumes rubbing her temples. 

 _"Whatever it was, it will still be a problem tomorrow. Can you leave me alone for one night?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you fucking hear yourself Lexa? Do you think about the words leaving your mouth? Do you care? At all?"_  
  
_"I care about the fact that I politely asked you to leave and you're still here. I care about the fact that I requested you to stop screaming and you pound my desk before you proceed to do exactly what I said not to. I simply want a night of silence."_

Clarke scoffs incredulous.

 _"You've gotten years of that! You're never home and when you are you're locked in here. By yourself. Silence is all you get Lexa. I'm asking you to talk to me about something important and you won't even give me the courtesy of doing it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_

Lexa is absolutely nonplussed about the whole situation and that enrages Clarke even more. 

 _"What do you mean no, Lexa?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I told you I'm not talking about anything tonight. I hate repeating myself. My head is killing me, Clarke."_  
  
_"Your daughter assaulted someone. He had to get nine stitches on the side of his head because she bashed his skull with a rock. That takes precedence over your headache Alexandria."_  
  
Clarke screams literally inches away from Lexa's face. Clarke is indubitably irate. Lexa felt Clarke’s hot breath on her face when she rolled her eyes open to find her encroaching on her personal space. If Clarke was trying to provoke Lexa, she succeeded. Lexa locks her jaw and snarls at her.  
  
_"Get out Clarke. Get out."_

Clarke doesn’t move.

_"I'm not going anywhere. Not until we talk."_

Lexa pivots her chair so that it is facing away from Clarke giving her the ability to move.

 _"Fine."_  
  
Lexa stands up and heads for the door. Clarke, knowing her patterns well enough by now stands in front of it.  
  
_"No. You're not walking away this time. Not from this."_  
  
Clarke plants herself in front of the door.  
  
_"Clarke. Move."_  
  
Lexa practically growls at her as she stares her down.  
  
_"No."_  
  
Clarke replies obstinately.

Lexa rubs her hands over her face and contemplates what to do for a few seconds before she picks Clarke up by her waist and physically moves her a few feet from the front of the door. Lexa swiftly opens the door and leaves her home office.

 _"Lexa!"_  
  
Lexa moves for the exit with purpose.  
  
_"If you walk out don't bother coming back."_  
  
Lexa spins on her heels.  
  
_"Don't say things you don't mean Clarke."_  
  
Lexa walks right up to Clarke and stands centimeters away from her face. Clarke falters and blinks at the proximity.  
  
_"I mean it. I so mean it. If you walk out that door tonight don't come back Lexa."_  
  
Lexa stands for a few seconds before she pushes past Clarke and moves towards her office. Lexa takes long, resolute strides. Lexa’s impressively long legs all but guarantee that Clarke falls a few steps behind missing the door swinging shut and locking in front of her by just a second.  
  
_"Lexa!"_  
  
Clarke hears no sounds coming from inside.  
  
_"You can't stay in there forever!"_  
  
Clarke stomps away and toward her studio.  
  
Lexa doesn't leave her office again until Clarke has gone to work the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys might be assuming that this is the ultimatum I've referenced before, but it isn't. Not even close. We know that by Christmas 2030 (approximately a month after this) they are separated meaning something big happens between this night and about two weeks before Christmas that pushes Clarke over the edge. The cracks in what seemed to be a never ending stream of patience and understanding are starting to show. We'll eventually see what it takes to make the whole thing thing come crashing down in front of Lexa's eyes. We're looking at the edge of rock bottom, but we haven't gotten there just yet.
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	17. September 2016 (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is probably just a handful of days after this so I'm calling it Part 2. I never labeled it before because it would've been confusing since I didn't know when this one was coming up, but I went back and did that now in case someone ever decides to read this chronologically.
> 
> \---
> 
> New Social Media AU Post is up: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/158996656825/clexa-family-au-part-4-the-griffin-woods
> 
> Quite a few readers have been asking for more college years/early relationship chapters. A lot of people have also been requesting more social media posts. Since the fic crossed the 10,000 hit mark I figured I could kill two birds with one stone and did a social media about their college years. 
> 
> This picks up right after Chapter 11 (December 2009) and it jumps forward a month or month and a half towards the end. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**September 2016 (Part 1)**

Lexa was late and by now the gallery was packed. Lexa scanned the room for a few solid minutes trying to find her wife but failed to spot the head of bright blonde hair in the sea of people. Before resuming her search, Lexa opted for heading towards the bar and getting a drink.  
  
It had taken Lexa three hours and a tantrum of epic proportions to get Costia ready to be dropped off at Abby's for a night with grandma and grandpa. After the endless tears and the screaming Lexa had to endure over the course of the several hours it took to make Costia presentable enough to leave the house as well as the stress of making sure she packed everything necessary for the baby's overnight bag, Lexa had earned a drink. It was a shame that Kane wasn't feeling well and that in turn him and Abby had to skip Clarke's opening, but Lexa was grateful that Abby offered to take Costia overnight instead of them having to hire a babysitter then come home to deal with another sleepless night.  
  
Lexa leans against the makeshift bar. She makes eye contact with the really attractive and slender girl with loose locks standing behind the not-so-stable counter assembled in one of the corners of the gallery as she serves another costumer. Lexa gives her a smile letting her know she'd like to be next before she turns her back to the bar and continues looking for her wife.  
  
_"What can I get for you?"_  
  
Lexa turns a few seconds later she hears a voice behind her.  
  
_"Whiskey. Please"._  
  
The 'I need it' is implied and the girl smiles at Lexa's pleading tone.  
  
_"Rough night?"_  
  
_"Trying to bathe and dress a cranky ten month old by myself is a lot less fun than it sounds."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ahhh..."_  
  
The bartender puts down the bottle she had reached for and bends over lifting the table cloth covering the back table purposely giving Lexa a pretty great view of her toned behind. The bartender turns back around holding a bottle of Lagavulin.  
  
_"I'll break out the good stuff just for you. On the rocks?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"You're my savior."_  
  
The girl laughs while searching for the perfect rock to put in Lexa’s glass.  
  
_"So they left you alone with your...niece?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Daughter. My wife had to finish getting this ready."_  
  
Lexa points around the room and the bartender's face falls when she hears the word 'wife'.  
  
_"It's her show."_  
  
Lexa quickly adds.  
  
_"You're married to Clarke Griffin-Woods?"_  
  
The bartender inquires a little incredulously.  
  
_"I'm the Woods part of the equation."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"No wonder you look familiar. You're in a lot of her paintings."_

Lexa cheeks acquire an undeniable reddish tint. _  
__  
__"I seem to be. I have no idea why she would pick those when she has better things at home."_  
  
_"I got to look around a bit while we were unloading and setting up. She's good. She makes your face look just as beautiful on canvas as it does in real life."_  
  
Just as the bartender finishes her sentence and before Lexa has a chance to reply to the very brazen flirting, a pair of arms wrap around Lexa's torso.  
  
Lexa can smell Clarke before she sees her. She's wearing Lexa's favorite fragrance and Lexa allows herself a moment to breathe her wife in. Lexa squeezes the pair of hands resting on her stomach as she feels a light kiss placed on her back.  
  
_"You made it."_  
  
Lexa turns her body in Clarke's arms until they're facing each other.  
  
_"Your daughter did her best to try and stop me, but ultimately I won."_  
  
Lexa wears a proud smile. Clarke leans in and kisses her.  
  
_"Hi."_ _  
__  
__"Hi."_  
  
_"So she gave you a hard time then?"_ _  
__  
__"She was still crying when I dropped her off at your mom's. That tooth needs to come out soon. I don't think any of us can handle much more of the teething crankiness."_ _  
__  
__"Did you try the frozen one?"_ _  
__  
__"I tried everything Clarke. She wasn't having any of the chewing toys."_ _  
__  
__"I guess it's my mom's problem tonight."_ _  
__  
__"Does it make me a bad parent to feel relieved that we're spending a night away from her?"_  
  
Lexa doesn’t sound at all regretful and Clarke chuckles.  
  
_"Well, that would make us two awful moms because the thing I'm looking forward to the most tonight is a good night's sleep."_ _  
__  
__"God, we're terrible."_  
  
Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke.  
  
_"No. We're just the exhausted parents of a teething infant."_ _  
__  
__"When did date nights become about sleeping and not sex?"_ _  
__  
__"Probably around the same time the first small human came out of me."_ _  
__  
__"A very moody small human."_ _  
__  
__"She definitely gets that from you."_ _  
__  
__"I'm not moody, Clarke."_  
  
Clarke laughs as she plants a soft kiss on her wife's lips.  
  
_"Ok. Whatever you say."_  
  
_"I’m not!"_  
  
Lexa retorts indignant and Clarke smiles back at her. Lexa rolls her eyes and discreetly slides her hands down Clarke's back so that they rest on the curve of her ass.  
  
_"You look amazing."_ _  
__  
__"Are you really trying to cop a feel in the middle of my art show? In front of hundreds of people?"_  
  
Lexa quickly maneuvers her body giving it enough leverage to spin them both around so that she is now facing the bar and Clarke is facing the crowd.  
  
_"There. No one can see anymore."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You're ridiculous."_ _  
__  
__"No. Your ass just looks great in that dress."_  
  
Lexa whispers into Clarke's ear.  
  
_"You haven't even seen my ass in this dress yet."_  
  
Clarke replies into Lexa's ear.  
  
_"Your ass always looks great. It's a safe assumption."_ _  
__  
__"Keep that up and you might get lucky tonight."_ _  
__  
__"Only if it involves minimal effort on my part. I'm so tired."_ _  
__  
__"You sure know how to make a girl feel special Lex."_ _  
__  
__"I already got you to marry me. All pretenses are off."_  
  
Lexa reaches for the drink that was set out for her as she makes eye contact with the bartender now helping someone further down the bar.  
  
_"She was flirting with you."_ _  
__  
__"You think everyone flirts with me."_  
  
_"That's because they do."_ _  
__  
__"You're insane, Clarke."_  
  
Lexa takes a sip of her whiskey while Clarke looks at the sloshing contents longingly.  
  
_"I'm more than slightly jealous. I saw her pour you some Lagavulin. I didn't even know we paid them enough to stock that."_  
  
Lexa looks down at her drink guilty.  
  
_"Sorry. I shouldn't have had a drink. That was selfish of me."_  
  
Lexa makes to put the glass down on the fake wood that tops the bar but Clarke stops her.  
  
_"No. No, you're fine. Just because I can't drink doesn't mean you shouldn't."_ _  
__  
__"I don't need it."_ _  
__  
__"Babe, seriously. You can drink tonight."_  
  
Lexa smiles and kisses Clarke's forehead.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
A beat of silence between them as Lexa takes a sip of her whiskey and relishes in its smoothness.  
  
_"I keep having to make excuses every time someone offers me a glass of anything and I wouldn't have to if you would let us tell people."_ _  
__  
__"We're not just going to text everyone 'Hey. We're pregnant again.'"_ _  
__  
__"Seems pretty effective to me. Would save me the trouble of trying to come up with creative justifications every five minutes."_ _  
__  
__"No. It has to be special. We're having another baby Clarke, not inviting people over for game night. We'll figure out what the perfect announcement will be now that you have the show off your plate."_ _  
__  
__"You drive me crazy you know that, right?"_  
  
_"In a good or a bad way?"_ _  
__  
__"Surprisingly...both."_  
  
Lexa chuckles as Clarke lays her head on her chest.  
  
_"I'm glad you made it."_ _  
__  
__"I wouldn't miss it...or that dress."_  
  
Clarke lifts her head up and shoves Lexa away by the chest.  
  
_"You're the worst."_  
  
Clarke grabs one of the hands that rested on her ass and pulls Lexa from the bar.  
  
_"Come on. Everyone is here and I've been waiting to unveil the center piece."_ _  
__  
__"Oh I finally get to see it?"_ _  
__  
__"You do."_  
  
Clarke glows with a bright smile as she drags Lexa behind her. Lexa finally gets to confirm that Clarke's ass does indeed look great in that red, form fitting dress.  
  
Clarke probably won't be able to pull off wearing this dress for much longer without raising suspicions about the barely there bump that you can only really notice if you're looking for it. Lexa smiles at the thought of another baby growing inside of Clarke. Instead of walking behind Clarke, she steps up next to her in order to be able to whisper into her ear as they walk through the crowd towards the center of the gallery.  
  
_"I love you and I'm so proud of you. More than I could ever really explain."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa and smiles brightly. She gives Lexa's hand a squeeze to acknowledge she heard the words but doesn't answer because just then they reach their circle of friends. Clarke makes a mental note to reward her for her sweetness later.  
  
Lexa is greeted by everyone and mocked by a few for her tardiness. The entire gang is there. Anya, Raven, Lincoln, Octavia, Bellamy, Echo, Jasper, Maya, Murphy, Emori, Monty, and Harper stand in a circle talking and laughing.  
  
Lexa also spots some friends from work and goes to say hello not long after. Strand, Madison, and Ofelia are all there and they each came with their respective partners. They tell her Indra stopped by earlier but could only stay for a second and that Nick and Luciana are running even later than she is.  
  
Lexa brings everyone together and they all form one big chatty group near the center of the gallery where a massive ten foot canvas covered in fabric hangs from the ceiling by thick metal cables.  
  
Clarke has been working on this for months, but has never let Lexa see it which is uncommon. Clarke keeps telling Lexa it's special but hasn't given her much more than that.  
  
Dante, the owner of the gallery and Clarke's boss, walks over and greets everyone.  
  
_"Thank you for coming. It's great to see you all again."_  
  
He says before he turns to Clarke.  
  
_"Are you ready? I don't think we can push it back any longer."_ _  
__  
__"Yeah. She's here."_  
  
Clarke looks over at Lexa. When Dante spots her he leans in for a warm hug.  
  
_"Glad you could make it Lexa."_ _  
__  
__"This is fantastic. Thank you so much for letting her use the space."_ _  
__  
__"Your wife is one of the most talented artists I know. It's an honor to have her here. It's time."_  
  
Dante turns from Lexa to Clarke. Clarke squeezes Lexa's hand before letting it go and leans up for a quick peck.  
  
_"I really hope you like it."_  
  
Clarke whispers against Lexa's lips. Before she has time to react, Clarke has turned around and is walking behind Dante towards the painting. Lexa and their friends shuffle closer and move forward in anticipation to the big reveal.  
  
Dante clinks his champagne glass with his fancy pen to draw the crowd's attention.  
  
_"Good evening everyone. I'm quite excited to see the support that Clarke's work has garnered tonight. I'm even more excited to see the amount of money you guys are willing to pay for it."_  
  
This elicits a laugh from the audience.  
  
_"I won't make this long because I know I'm not the person you came to see. She is far more interesting, talented, and frankly beautiful than I am so I won't torture you.”_

Clarke coyly smiles from the side of the stage and the audience laughs.

 _“Here at “Mount” we know Clarke, her work, and her skillful eye very well. Not only is she an artist that we're very proud to support, but she also happens to be one of our curators. She has found marvelously talented people for us because she has impeccable taste, but in my opinion the best thing she has ever brought to me was her own work. In the past few years I've watched her grow as a woman and as an artist. I think tonight is a great culmination of that creative and personal period of her life. I don't want you to believe I'm at all insincere when I tell you that I think this painting here behind me is one of the most emotive and evocative pieces I've ever had the pleasure of seeing not to mention showcasing. I was overcome with an endless stream of feelings the first time Clarke presented it to me. I'm going to stop talking now in order to get her up here so we don't deprive you guys any longer. Enjoy. Cheers."_  
  
Dante raises his glass prior to walking off to the side. He gives Clarke a firm hug as she moves past him on her way to stand in front of the painting and facing the crowd.  
  
Clarke looks around the room and smiles when she sees Lexa staring at her intently, beaming with pride, and a huge smile on her face. Clarke smiles back and begins talking.  
  
_"Hi. Wow. There's a lot of you here tonight. I wasn't aware I knew this many people."_  
  
Clarke remarks in jest and the room laughs.  
  
_"I promise I won't make it long and boring. I'm not_ **that** _self-absorbed."_  
  
The crowd laughs again.  
  
_"As I've grown older, I've discovered that there's certain things in life that change you as a person and transform your entire perspective of the world. The first big one for me was losing my father right before my junior year of high school. Death really has a way of shaking you up and it taught me to cling to the little things. The second one happened almost seven years ago when my friends and I accidentally set someone's backyard on fire. I didn't know this person. I wasn't even in this person's house. I was the rowdy - and honestly very drunk - college freshman at a party in the apartment next door and she was the very angry junior who I'm pretty sure thought about murdering me more than once with the fire extinguisher she was holding within five seconds of meeting me. I'm glad she didn't though. I'm pretty happy that today I get to call her my wife.”_

Clarke makes eye contact with Lexa. They smile at each other warmly. Even though they’re surrounded by people the moment feels intimate; like this is just for the two of them.

_“Because of my wife I've learned that love has a way of making you see things within yourself and in everything around you that you never had before. The third thing that completely reshaped my life was motherhood. It's wild and crazy and exhausting and so very messy, but regardless of the long nights and the lost sleep it's the biggest honor to get to watch this life you created learn and evolve right before your eyes. Being a mom has changed me in more ways that I can count and it has taught me to love more deeply that I ever knew possible. Since my daughter was born I've learned to slow down and appreciate things as they happen, when they happen because more often than not they're unique and special and you'll never be lucky enough to come across that exact scenario in those exact circumstances ever again. Because of my daughter I've learned that it's the smallest bits of life that count. It's the seemingly mundane moments in time that really touch you and alter you at the deepest level. It's a first smile, and a first step, and a first word, and a first Christmas. This massive thing behind me is about just that. It's about a small moment that changed me forever.”_

Clarke stops for a handful of seconds to collect her thoughts and look around the room before diving into the meat of the story behind the painting.

 _“My daughter Costia was born ten months ago. She came a month and change before Christmas. I'm not going to lie to you, even with how over prepared my wife was, we were still a disaster. I don't think I've gone as long without showering while desperately needing one as I did in those first couple of months. It was chaos. Absolute chaos. Before we knew it, Christmas finally came and it was nothing like first time parents make it out to be in an ideal world. I'm sure I could paint this rosey for you, but I won't. It wasn't magical, it was stressful. Lexa and I hadn't slept in what felt like years. Christmas was one of those days when we both questioned and second guessed everything we were doing because getting through each day seemed like the most daunting task ever, but this one felt almost impossible right from the beginning. The three of us were tired and cranky and honestly the last thing I wanted to do was be Merry about anything, but my wife...my beautiful, loving, and so very patient wife somehow dressed the baby and convinced me to put something besides sweat pants on before she basically dragged me out the door. She now confirms she didn't really have a set plan for how this was going to go, she just knew we needed to get out of the house. Thanks to her we did and we started walking. We didn't have a destination but we ended up at the Brooklyn Bridge Promenade. The trees were bare but there was no snow on the ground. If everyone remembers, last winter was pretty uncommonly dry for us. It had been anything but a white Christmas. We walked for a while and by now the baby was getting fuzzy because she needed to be fed again. It wasn't freezing outside so we sat down on a bench and I fed her. We hadn't said a word to each other since leaving the house. We were too tired to speak. We both simply sat next to each other in silence. I finished feeding the baby and as was our routine by now, I handed her over to Lexa and she got to work on the burping thing. Team work, you know?"_  
  
Clarke laughs and the audience chuckles along with her.  
  
_"I grabbed my purse, stood up, and headed for the Starbucks I had seen across the street as we walked into the park. I didn't say anything and my wife didn't ask. We both needed either sleep or coffee more than anything at that time so I was determined to get us at least one of those things. I saw her rest the baby on her shoulder then begin to pat her back and off I went. I was gone for maybe all of five minutes, but by the time I walked back out of the coffee shop with two coffees strong enough to compete with cocaine, snow had started to fall pretty heavily. As I walked toward the spot where I'd left them a few minutes ago I came across one of the most perfect things I'd ever had the privilege of witnessing. One thing you need to know about my wife is that from day one she insisted on talking to the baby the same way she would an adult. As I walked up and saw my wife standing and pointing at the sky while cradling our daughter, I knew full well she was currently trying to explain precipitation, or what snow crystals look like under a microscope, or the deadly effects of global warming to our one and a half month old daughter."_  
  
The crowd laughs.  
  
_"If you know my wife you know I'm not exaggerating."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She isn't."_  
  
Anya interjects quite loudly from the crowd and Clarke chuckles while Lexa stares at Anya less than amused.  
  
_"Thanks for the backup Anya. That's my sister in law. If anyone knows my wife, it's her. I promise I'm almost done. There's a point to this story, I swear. So...I walked up to the love of my life holding our first child who was currently experiencing both her first Christmas and her first snowfall all against the backdrop of the New York City skyline and I promise you I'd never been faced with anything more heartwarming or special. That moment that would've meant nothing to any of the hundreds of passerbys, was the most important thing that had ever happened to me up until that point. In that instant I finally understood that life was about so much more than just surviving and I began to cry. A lot. I still blame it on the hormones."_  
  
Clarke smiles and softly chuckles at what seem like fresh memories from that day.  
  
_"But I also made sure to commit that moment to memory. It was something I never wanted to forget. It's a moment I go back to when things get stressful or hectic. That particular moment in time is my happy place. It's what inspired this collection. It's what inspired the name of the show. It's certainly what inspired this painting. My hope is that when looking at this piece, it transports you to whatever that monumental moment was for you."_  
  
Clarke briefly pauses as Bellamy whistles from the crowd and a few of them other friends break out in applause.  
  
_"As you can tell, I bring my private cheer squad everywhere. Great job guys. I've talked enough now so I'm going to give Dante the honors and hope I didn't miss the mark of my intent too much. Seriously, thank you to everyone for taking the time tonight. It means the world."_  
  
Clarke walks towards Lexa who is by now doing her best to hold it together. Clarke kisses Lexa's check and wraps her arm around her torso as they both face the painting and wait in anticipation.  
  
Dante walks up to the chord holding up the fabric covering the canvas and yanks it down revealing the painting. Clarke scans the room to gage the reactions and ends on Lexa who has not taken her eyes off the canvas.  
  
The art is so...Clarke. It's the only way Lexa could explain it. It's not completely realistic but it also isn't absolutely abstract. Lexa knows those shapes in the back are supposed to be the skyline. She can identify the figure that is supposed to be the bench, what is supposed to be her, and what is supposed to be Costia. She can also read what Clarke interpreted as the falling snow and the nature around them. What strikes Lexa the most though is the amount of raw emotion it encompassed. Somehow Clarke has taken her back to that exact second and it's almost as if she can feel the chill of the wind and the cold of the snowflakes on her face and the weight of Costia in her arms. It's powerful. It's poignant. It's bright. And it's so very lovely.  
  
The room finally erupts in low chatter now that everyone has had the time to take the painting in. Lexa can feel Clarke's eyes on her. Studying her. Waiting for the reaction that she's been anticipating since the moment she started working on this particular piece. Lexa turns her face and all she can do is look at Clarke. Words escape her.  
  
_"What do you think? Was it worth the wait?"_  
  
Clarke smiles bashful. A single tear escapes Lexa's eyes.  
  
_"Clarke...I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can just tell me that you hate it. It won't hurt my feelings."_

Clarke tells her playfully.  
  
_"I don't hate it. I couldn't. It's perfect. It..."_  
  
Before Lexa can continue a few people approach Clarke. Lexa quickly wipes her eyes and tries to compose herself.  
  
_"She may be annoying but she's good."_  
  
Anya says to Lexa from behind her which makes Lexa roll her eyes.  
  
_"You're an asshole."_  
  
Lexa turns to Anya and the rest of their friends to give Clarke space to talk to the people she recognized as critics from the New York Times and some magazine Clarke constantly raves about.  
  
Clarke and Lexa may be facing opposite sides of the room and be having separate conversations, but they make a point to keep their hands intertwined and their thumbs running over each other's skin. The last thing they want right now is to not be close in some way.  
  
_"Water is wet. Anything else obvious you'd like to point out Woods?"_  
  
Raven chimes in.  
  
_"No one asked you Reyes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I..."_  
  
But before Anya and Raven can go into one of their regular bickering sessions Octavia purposefully interrupts.  
  
_"How long was she working on that thing?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Six months. Didn't let me see it once. It's the first time anyone but Dante has seen it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's some fucking commitment."_ Anya adds.  
  
_"Yeah. She didn't work just on this for the past six months though. Most of the pieces here are from the last year, but she certainly spent most of her time on this one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She did an amazing job. I'm damn impressed that she found the time."_ Bellamy comments.  
  
_"Honestly, me too."_  
  
Lexa keeps her eyes trained on the centerpiece again.

* * *

A couple of hours pass and the gallery slowly starts to empty out. Their friends quickly disperse after one of Anya and Raven's spats. No one was really in the mood to mediate between the two, so mostly everyone took it as their queue to leave.  
  
It's just after 11:00 PM. Lexa is leaning against the bar watching Clarke from afar as she talks to a couple who just purchased one of her bigger and more expensive pieces. They're the last ones left and Lexa can tell Clarke is just as anxious for them to leave as she is. Clarke left the house before Lexa even woke up this morning. If Lexa is tired then Clarke must be exhausted.  
  
_"Last call before I put it away."_  
  
Lexa turns to look at the bartender holding the bottle of Lagavulin.  
  
_"I'm good. Thanks."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You sure?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. We're probably heading out as soon as she's done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They seem pretty into it. Might be a while."_  
  
The bartender refers to the intense conversation Clarke seemed to be having with the buyers as she pointed to different things on the piece they had just purchased.  
  
_"I hope not."_  
  
The bartender chuckles and places two glasses in front of her pouring a couple of stiff shots.  
  
_"It'll help time go by faster."_  
  
She pushes one of the shots toward Lexa. Lexa hesitates for a second but looks back at Clarke who is still entertaining the clients and realizing they might be there for a few more minutes she grabs the shot.  
  
_"To snowy Christmases."_

The bartender raises her glass and Lexa imitates her.  
  
_"To snowy Christmases."_  
  
Lexa replies before letting the liquid burn it's way down her throat. Lexa only remembers how much she hates shots immediately after she drinks a shot. It takes everything in her not to gag. She's definitely too old for this.  
  
_"You guys seem made for each other."_ The bartender interrupts Lexa's regret with her words. _"I mean it. That painting and the things she said...if someone ever loves me half that much I'll be happy."_  
  
_"Yeah. I lucked out. She's pretty amazing."_  
  
Lexa's eyes never leave Clarke.  
  
_"That was my last box. Do you want me to top you off before I head out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I'm done for the night. Thank you for breaking out the good stuff for me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My pleasure. See you around Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"See you..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Gina. My name is Gina"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you for the whiskey Gina."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't mention it."_  
  
Gina smiles at Lexa before grabbing the box and heading towards the opposite side of the room.

All Lexa can do now is wait.

* * *

Exactly twenty three minutes pass between the time Gina leaves and when Clarke walks the middle aged couple out to the sidewalk. It's close to midnight now. Lexa is barely awake and more than a bit drunk. She's really regretting taking that last shot now.  
  
Clarke walks back into the gallery and smiles at what she recognizes is her sleepy wife.  
  
_"I'm sorry. I tried to cut it short but they kept wanting to talk."_  
  
Clarke walks up to Lexa placing a hand on her stomach and another one on her cheek.  
  
_"It's okay. You were doing your thing."_  
  
Lexa speaks with a tiny hint of a slur.  
  
_"We sold everything tonight. Well, everything except for the centerpiece. That one wasn't for sale. That one is ours."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Really? That's amazing Clarke. It's incredible."_  
  
Lexa is in awe and the excitement increases her slurring to from barely there to kind of noticeable.  
  
_"Lex, are you drunk?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_  
  
A beat where Clarke examines her face.  
  
_"Maybe. Definitely at least a little."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"I don't think I've seen you drunk since O's wedding and that was what...almost two years ago?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wasn't that drunk."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Babe...you started talking in some made up language that wasn't quite English. Trig...something."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Trigedasleng. It's the dialect I chose to create for my linguistics class."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah...well point is, we couldn't understand a word you were saying for the last hour we were there. You_ **were** _drunk."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It serves a purpose. The hypothetical scenario I created for the origins of the language was that it would've been to used by the warriors of a native English speaking land that was conquered by English speaking invaders to make sure the invaders were not aware of what the natives were saying during battle."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We weren't in battle Lexa, we were in a hotel ballroom in the Lower East Side."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever. I got an A in that class."_  
  
Lexa scowls. Clarke laughs.  
_  
_ _"I don't doubt it."_  
  
Clarke leans in to give her a sweet, reassuring peck on the lips.  
  
_"Are you ready to go?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I just have to shut everything down and lock up. Give me five minutes. Ok?"_  
  
Lexa nods sleepily.  
_  
_ _"Have I told you you're cute when you're drunk?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Every time I drink. You tell me I’m “cute” often."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Your tiny ears get so red."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My ears aren't tiny Clarke. I'm also not drunk."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Sure. You're the picture of sobriety. Just wait for me here. I'll be right back."_  
  
Lexa rubs her eyes and sighs. She really is drunk. She's never been accidentally drunk before. This is a first and she's not sure that she likes it.  
  
Lexa spots the painting hanging in the middle of the room and walks from the side of the room to where it hangs and gets to experience it in silence and alone, in all its glory. It really is beautiful.  
  
Lexa slides her hands in her pockets because for some reason keeping her arms close to her body always helps with her balance and she's lacking in that department right now.  
  
Lexa scans every inch of that painting and every bit of it makes her feel something different. Like Clarke coded in a message only she could decipher and every response was a variation screaming _"I love you"_ . Lexa fights back tears. She had managed to get through the night without crying in front of everyone, but she wasn't sure she could hold it together anymore. She hated whiskey so much right now. It doesn't particularly matter if liquor was to blame for her emotions because regardless of what the cause was, she was crying. She was drunk and she was crying and Clarke was going to hold this over her head for a long time.  
  
_"Lex?"_  
  
Clarke speaks from a few feet away, concern written all over her face.  
  
_"I'm fine. I just...I hadn't had a few drinks in a while and...I hate whiskey."_  
  
Clarke laughs because this moment brings her back to that one night in college when Lexa got whiskey drunk and sobbed while they were watching Cosmos. Somehow whiskey has the ability to make Lexa either really emotional or really horny. Sometimes both. Clarke was still trying to figure out where the pendulum swung tonight, but everything seemed to indicate it was leaning towards "emotional".  
  
Clarke walks towards Lexa and wraps her arms around her neck looking at her droopy eyes lovingly.  
  
_"We should get you in bed."_  
  
Lexa hums and rests her forehead against Clarke's.  
  
_"Did you mean what you said tonight?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Every word."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I make you happy?"_  
  
Lexa asks tentatively and Clarke chases her eyes making sure they meet.  
  
_"You make me so happy Lexa. Lighting your backyard on fire was the best mistake I've ever made."_ Clarke chuckles.  
  
_"We never got our security deposit back and it was because of that burnt patch."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm pretty sure I've more than made up for it ever since."_  
  
Clarke buries her face in Lexa's neck and plants what was supposed to be a chaste kiss on her wife's pulse point but Lexa unintentionally moans when she feels Clarke's lips there and Clarke quickly realized the whiskey gods may make her night a little more interesting. Clarke kisses her again and the moan that escaped Lexa is a little more needy and vulgar.  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa whispers when Clarke kisses her a third time.  
  
_"Do you want me to stop?"_  
  
Clarke mumbles into Lexa's skin. Lexa shakes her head and grunts something that sounded similar to a ‘no’.  
  
_"Should we go home?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Too far."_  
  
Lexa says leaning her head to the side exposing more of her neck for Clarke. That's all the permission Clarke needs.  
  
They haven't had sex in close to three weeks or since Costia started teething the stragglers that never came before. The doctors told them babies teeth differently and that she was healthy so they shouldn't worry her teeth weren't all coming at once. What they couldn't predict is that she would be more miserable than when her first teeth came out and in turn they were miserable. A baby who barely slept and cried all the time meant being up at all hours of the night but it also meant no time alone and certainly no time for orgasms. The unusual lack of intimacy meant that feeling her wife squirm in her arms was doing wonders for Clarke at the moment.  
  
_"Clarke. Fuck."_  
  
Lexa moans burying her hand in Clarke's hair and pulling her closer. Clarke unbuttons Lexa's blazer without removing her lips from her lover’s neck. As soon as the buttons give, she slides it off Lexa's shoulders and it falls to the floor with an weak thud. Seconds after the blazer is off Clarke begins to yank at Lexa's shirt, untucking it from her pants. Lexa's hands end up on Clarke's glutes pulling her closer but Clarke doesn't let herself be pressed against Lexa because she still has to get her tie off and her shirt undone.  
  
_"You could've worn something with less buttons."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It has the standard number of buttons any shirt has Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well...the standard number of buttons is inconvenient right now."_  
  
Clarke tells her clearly frustrated. Lexa steps in to help her with the buttons and as Clarke's works on the top ones she begins to undo them from the bottom up. Clarke's lips find Lexa's as she undoes her tie which gets discarded on the floor next to the blazer. Clarke's lips are aggressive and needy against Lexa's. Her tongue teases Lexa's which makes Lexa grumble. Clarke wants, no, needs more so she foregoes the formalities of undressing and moves her hands straight to Lexa's pants. She undoes the button and quickly sinks her hand into Lexa's underwear. Lexa moans loudly as Clarke's fingers find her drenched. Clarke's fingers dip between Lexa's slit which immediately has Lexa moaning quite obscenely into Clarke's parted mouth. Suddenly the front door of the gallery swings open and Dante walks in. Clarke and Lexa freeze.  
  
Dante doesn't immediately notice them as he was expecting the gallery to be empty by now, but it only takes him a few seconds to look in their direction and make eye contact with a disheveled Lexa who still has Clarke's hand down her pants. Lexa yanks on Clarke's wrist forcefully removing it from where it was. Dante laughs earnestly at the position they now find themselves in.  
  
_"I forgot my home keys and didn't realize until I was already there. I'll be out of your hair in no time."_  
  
Dante shakes his head and laughs to himself on his way to his office. Lexa burns every shade of red.  
  
_"Did your boss just catch us trying to have sex in the middle of his gallery?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you going to get in trouble for it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I made him so much money tonight. He won't say anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you sure?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not at all, but I'd rather go with that than think about whatever awkward conversation this could lead to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh my g-"_  
  
Lexa begins to mutter mortified but is interrupted by Dante walking from the back of the gallery holding his keys in his hands and jangling them.  
  
_"Found them. I'm leaving now and won't be coming back. You have the place to yourselves."_  
  
Dante tells them with a playful smile and wink. Lexa buries her face in Clarke's neck to avoid having to look him.  
  
_"Thanks Dante. Have a good night."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It won’t be as good as yours."_  
  
Dante laughs as he exits the gallery and now they're alone again.  
  
_"Oh my god."_  
  
Lexa mumbles into Clarke's neck.  
  
_"Oh my fucking god."_  
  
She repeats twice as mortified.  
  
_"Hey..."_  
  
Clarke holds Lexa's face and removes it from the crook of her neck so they can look at each other. When Lexa opens her eyes she sees Clarke trying to hold back a laugh.  
  
_"It's fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I made eye contact with your boss while you were inside me. It's so far from fine."_  
  
Clarke laughs as she rubs both her thumbs over Lexa's cheeks.  
  
_"I'm never going to be able to look at him again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, I'm the one who works with him. You see him like once a month. Relax."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How are you so calm about this?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because we're adults and you're my wife and it was a big night for all of us. It would be safe to assume we'd have sex tonight. It's normal."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sex at a workplace is not normal."_  
  
Clarke cocks an eyebrow.  
  
_"How many times have we had sex in your office?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Too many."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Were there people around?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You always trick me into it. It's not a fair comparison."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I trick you into sex?"_  
  
_"You come to my office in the middle of the day with a short little dress after texting me nudes all morning and stare at me with that look you get when you want sex more than anything. How am I supposed to say no? So yeah, you trick me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have an 'I want you to fuck me' look?"_  
  
Lexa's ears burn red at the words leaving Clarke's mouth.  
  
_"You most definitely do. It's like a poker face...but for sex."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is it this one?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa with hooded, dark eyes.  
  
_"No. We're not having sex here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why not?"_  
  
Clarke leans in to run her tongue over Lexa's lips.  
  
_"That's so unfair."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Apparently I do a lot of things that are unfair."_  
  
Clarke sucks on Lexa's jawline which elicits a moan that Lexa fails to cover.  
  
_"We're_ **not** _having sex in here."_  
  
Lexa insist as Clarke begins to guide her towards the wall behind them and works on getting the last few remaining buttons of Lexa's shirt open. Clarke's hands immediately go to Lexa's bralette once the shirt is finally out of the way. Her thumb runs over Lexa's nipples. Just then they finally reach the wall and Clarke now has Lexa pinned against it. She sucks on Lexa's collarbone not hard enough to be painful but definitely hard enough for it to leave a mark for a couple of days.  
  
_"I want to fuck you while you look at the painting I made for you."_  
  
Clarke tells her as her hand finds the waistband of Lexa's pants again.  
  
_"Fuck...Clarke."_  
  
Lexa attempts to protest but it completely fails. Her breath hitches when two of Clarke's fingers tease at her entrance and before she can even argue, Clarke slips inside her. Lexa's forehead slams against Clarke's shoulder before biting down to keep herself from screaming. Clarke gives her a few seconds to adjust to the stretch and when she feels Lexa clench around her she takes it at an indication to move. She moves once, twice, three times and with each thrust her name dies in Lexa's mouth. The moment Clarke pulls out of her wife a fourth time with the express intent on sliding back into her deeper than any of the previous times, the panting in the room is interrupted by a ringtone. Clarke falters for a second but decides to ignore it and slides back inside her wife. Lexa lifts her head from Clarke's shoulder.  
  
_"That's my phone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm aware."_  
  
Clarke slides in and out of her wife one more time but this time she pressed the palm of her hand on Lexa's pelvic bone putting some pressure on her clit. The phone still rings.  
  
_"We should get it."_  
  
Clarke ignores her and keeps her mouth firmly on Lexa's pulse point.  
  
_"It could be your mom. It could be about Cos."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My mom is one of the best doctors in this city. If anything is happening she can keep it in check until we're done."_  
  
Clarke thrusts into her wife again but she can feel Lexa's eyes on her and the mood change. The phone still rings but suddenly it stops.  
  
_"See? All done."_  
  
Clarke's mouth moves from Lexa's collar bone down her chest and on its way to Lexa's breasts. She wraps her mouth around a nipple over the bralette and she can feel Lexa begin to relax once more.  
  
The phone rings again and Clarke's mouth immediately detaches from the pebbly bud. She slips her fingers out of her wife and Lexa immediately misses being that full, but she swallows her whimper.  
  
_"Where is it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jacket. Left pocket."_  
  
Clarke walks over to the jacket lying in the middle of the gallery. She pulls out the phone and sees Anya's name and picture illuminating the screen.  
  
_"It's your sister."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Answer it."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and grumbles what seems to be _"I'm going to kill her"_ before answering.  
  
_"Unless you're on literal fire, this is some really bad timing."_  
  
She hears Anya laugh on the other end.  
  
_"Can I talk to Lex?"_  
  
Clarke turns to Lexa who is still resting against the wall half dressed. Lexa shrugs her shoulders trying to figure out what's going on but Clarke ignores her and turns her back to her.  
  
_"We're kind of in the middle of something, Anya."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You guys can go back to fucking in a second. I just need her for two minutes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're wasting more time arguing with me than it would take for me to talk to her. Just put her on the phone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She..."_  
  
Lexa creeps up behind Clarke and gently grabs the phone from her wife's hand.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Lexa states curtly.  
  
_"You two always get so testy when you're interrupted."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya...what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok so...hypothetically...what am I looking at if I were to be arrested for streaking across the park?"_  
  
Lexa hears a few people laugh in the background.  
  
_"What?! What did you do?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing. Nothing."_ A beat. _"Not yet."_ _  
_  
Anya joins the crowd that laughs.  
  
_"It's 40 degrees outside."_  
  
_"I didn't call for a weather report. Just tell me. You're the lawyer. I'm trying to educate myself on New York penal law."_  
  
Anya tries to stifle a laugh and Lexa rolls her eyes giving in. In her current state she has to think very hard to recall that part of the penal code since it isn't something she deals with every day.  
  
_"Any time tonight would be great."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shut up. I'm trying to remember."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can you remember faster?"_  
  
Lexa wishes she could flip her off but chooses to just focus until she seems to get it.  
  
_"It depends. If they just charge you with Exposure that could be fifteen days and a $250 fine. If they charge you with Public Lewdness you're looking at a class B misdemeanor with 3 months jail time and a $500 dollar fine. By the sounds of it you could be taken in for Public Intoxication and then charged with Drunken Disorderly as well. It would be a headache. Can you not give me that tonight? Please."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thanks. That's all I needed."_  
  
Anya speaks into the phone before turning to whoever she's with.  
  
_"She says it's fine."_  
  
Lexa hears Anya tell them.  
  
_"That is not what I said! Anya..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thanks baby sis."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya, that's not what I said!"_  
  
Lexa speaks sternly into the phone before Anya hangs up. Lexa goes to call her again but it goes straight to voicemail. She turned off her phone.  
  
_"What just happened?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My sister is an idiot."_  
  
Lexa dials back and waits for the voicemail beep.  
  
_"Anya. Call me back. Right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What is going on?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She turned off her phone and she's about to get herself arrested. That's what's going on."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok, well, she turned off her phone. Nothing we can do about it. Can we just..."_  
  
Lexa takes her eyes off her phone where she is typing text after text to Anya and looks up at Clarke giving her the 'seriously?' look.  
  
_"Ugh..."_  
  
Clarke moves past her to grab the jacket and the tie that are still on the floor and picking them up before shoving them into Lexa's chest.  
  
_"Can we at least go home? If we're not going to have sex I would love to sleep."_  
  
Clarke heads for the door.  
  
_"Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't 'Clarke' me right now Lexa. Get dressed I'll be outside waiting for the Uber."_

* * *

The drive home is awkward and tense.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_  
  
Lexa holds the phone to her ear still trying to reach Anya. Clarke doesn't respond.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa get home about fifteen minutes later. Clarke immediately beelines for the bedroom. Lexa pauses a second to stop her head from spinning and takes her jacket off. She really, **_REALLY_** , hates whiskey.  
  
She hears Clarke opening and closing drawers rather dramatically from their bedroom and sighs.  
  
_"Great."_  
  
She pours herself a glass of water and drinks it before going to deal with Clarke. She figured it was better to give her a second alone. She sends one last text before shutting her phone off for the night. Anya is on her own now.  
  
Lexa walks from the kitchen to their bedroom and opens to door to find Clarke already in bed and with her back against her. She begins to undress when Clarke breaks the silence.  
  
_"I told you not to answer the phone."_  
  
Lexa strips down to her boxers and throws on a comfy t-shirt before she slides into bed next to Clarke.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_  
  
Clarke hears the sincerity in her voice and turns her head to look at her.  
  
_"My phone is off for the night."_ _  
__  
__"Mood is ruined."_ _  
__  
__"I'm sorry, Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"All I wanted was a night with you."_ _  
__  
__"I know. I'm an idiot."_ _  
__  
__"You are."_  
  
Clarke turns her body to face Lexa and scoots closer. Lexa throws an arm around her.  
  
_"I texted your mom and told her we wouldn't be around to get Cos until the afternoon. I'll make it up to you tomorrow morning. I promise."_ _  
__  
__"Maybe you're not so terrible after all."_ _  
__  
__"I'd hope not."_ _  
__  
__"Sleep?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"I'm looking forward to that."_  
  
Clarke kisses her lips tenderly and places her head on Lexa's chest while wrapping her arms around her torso.  
  
_"Night."_ _  
__  
__"Goodnight Clarke."_

It takes them only instants to doze off.

* * *

Neither of them can recall the last time they both slept until noon. By the time they wake up the sun is sneaking into their bedroom and they can hear the city bustling outside.  
  
_"Five more minutes."_  
  
Lexa grumbles at a stirring Clarke.  
  
_"Make it ten."_  
  
They both fall asleep again until after 2:00 PM and while at that point they can't justify leaving Costia with Abby and Kane any longer, they have no regrets about trading sleep for sex.

At least this one time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	18. Late June 2029 (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

** Late June 2029 (Part 1) **

Lexa has good days sometimes.

Well, not good days. Calling them "good days" would be a stretch. 

 ~~Lexa has good days sometimes.~~  

Lexa has days that are less than terrible sometimes. Days where she doesn't leave before Clarke wakes up or when she doesn't come back after everyone is asleep. Days where she ventures into the dining room when everyone is sitting at the table having breakfast or dinner and joins them. Or days where she'll sit in the living room while the kids are either watching TV or on their computers. There are days where even though she doesn't say much, if anything at all, she's as present as she can be. Those days are few and far between, but they exist.  
  
During some of these not completely awful days Clarke has been known to catch the corner of Lexa's lips rise ever so slightly when Roa does something funny or when Anya says something silly. It's too subtle to be called a smile and only Clarke would ever notice it happening. Only Clarke would detect something that is barely there and that doesn't last more than a second before Lexa realizes what she's doing and the emptiness takes hold anew. Clarke loves to see even flashes of the old Lexa because she can feel her chest lighting up afire when she does. Clarke hates to see Lexa chastise herself for giving herself a moment of respite, but those small instances give Clarke hope that **_maybe_ ** she can still get Lexa back. It lets Clarke know the girl she fell in love with twenty years ago is still in there somewhere. Those days make Clarke keep the promise she made to herself that she is going to do whatever she needs to in order to make her wife heal.  
  
Lately Lexa felt...lighter. Clarke couldn't really explain what it was, but "lighter" was the best way she could find to describe it. Everything was exactly the same as before, but after the events that unfolded almost two weeks ago during the dinner they hosted to commemorate Jake on the first anniversary of his death, Lexa didn't feel as weighed down. Maybe it was the fact that she wasn't the only one carrying what happened the night of the shooting any longer. Maybe it was the fact that they both had a moment to grieve their son together. Maybe it was the fact that they had slept in each other's arms for the first time since Jake died. Clarke couldn't figure it out, but whatever it was, it had Lexa sitting at either the breakfast or dinner table three times this week. Clarke and the girls could consider themselves lucky if they saw Lexa more than a few minutes in an entire week, but they've shared a meal with her at least being physically there more times this week alone than they've had in certain months. Clarke's hope for their future as a family unit is slowly but surely being renewed.  
  
They're all sitting at breakfast now. The girls are off school for the summer, but they're still up early since they're heading out for a few weeks of summer camp later today. Clarke enrolled all three of them in a sleepaway camp at the Adirondack Mountains in order to keep them busy and distracted for at least part of their break. Clarke would be lying if she said she didn't also want them away from the house - and Lexa - for a little while. She thought it would do the girls good to have time away from the city and, frankly, the arguing. Clarke believed Costia and Lexa could use the time away from each other and that the two younger ones could use the diversion. On top of all that, Clarke wanted alone time with Lexa. Maybe having a stretch of time where it is just the two of them is what they needed to finally find their way back after the year they've had.  
  
The table is mostly quiet. Costia never says much if Lexa is there and in turn the younger ones usually don't talk either. Clarke has her eyes on Lexa while she pushes her food around the plate.  
  
It worries Clarke how much weight Lexa has lost since Jake died. Lexa skips most meals and when she doesn't she barely eats. Clarke doesn't see her enough to try and remedy the situation. Clarke was about to ask Lexa if she wanted her to make something else that she might enjoy more than the eggs and pancakes she cooked, but eight year old Roa speaks before she can.  
  
_"Momma are you sure Princess Pepper and Tony can't come with me? I can share my bed with them."_  
  
Roa had many imaginary friends throughout the years. They came and went and Clarke had a hard time keeping track of who was still relevant sometimes, but at the moment Princess Pepper and Tony were Roa's favorites. When the little girl asked if they could come with her to camp, Clarke told her they couldn't in an attempt to give Roa an excuse to socialize while she was there. Roa didn't talk to many people - or many _real_ people to be exact - outside of her sisters and Clarke, but particularly Costia. Costia was definitely Roa's favorite person in the world.  
  
_"No, baby. Camp is for human children only."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But Princess Pepper can turn herself human mommy. She's not just a fairy. Tony can too. I can ask them to do it so they can come."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No fairies allowed at camp Roa. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends there though. Your sisters, Lukas, and Liana are going too. You won't be alone."_  
  
Roa pouts.  
  
_"I already have friends. Princess Pepper and Tony are my friends."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And they'll be here when you come back next month."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Will you take care of them?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll look after them like I look after you."_  
  
Clarke smiles at Roa.  
  
_"You promise?"_  
  
Roa asks worried.  
  
_"I promise Ro."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Princess Pepper gets scared when it's dark so you have to leave the night light on. You have to remember mommy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I will. I'll leave it on every night."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. They'll be sad that they can't come but I'll tell them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sure they'll understand."_  
  
Roa looks dejected but drops the subject. Clarke's mind has wandered off Lexa for the moment and she moves on to the other girls.  
  
_"Did you guys double check your bags? I packed everything that was on the camp list plus other stuff I thought you'd need, but I want to make sure I'm not leaving anything else out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mine looks good. I threw in more hair ties just in case but that was it."_  
  
Anya adds with her mouth full.  
  
_"Nana, really? Swallow before you talk. Cos?"_  
  
Clarke turns to her eldest who was also pushing food around her plate without eating it.  
  
_"Do we really have to go to this stupid camp? It sounds fun for kids like Ro but hella lame for me. It's probably just going to be a bunch of losers."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not a kid!"_  
  
Roa fights back offended at her sister's words. Both Costia and Clarke gloss over the comment.  
  
_"Yes, you really have to go."_  
  
Clarke tells her definitively.  
  
_"I could go with Tris's family to Martha's Vineyard instead. She said I totally could."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia, you're going to camp with your sisters. We've already talked about this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They don't even have Wi-Fi!"_  
  
_"That's the whole point of this entire thing. You guys get to disconnect for a few weeks."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to disconnect."_  
  
Costia grouses.  
  
_"Too bad you don't get a say. Your bag...is it okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Whatever. I guess."_  
  
_"If you don't double check it and something is missing it's your problem not mine. You're the one who's going away."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because you’re forcing me to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you and momma going to come visit?"_  
  
Roa interrupts the discussion.  
  
_"It's only three weeks Ro. We'll talk on the phone, but we won't visit. We'll be there to pick you guys up from the bus when you come back. Then you can tell us all the stories."_  
  
Clarke looks up at Lexa who hasn't moved her eyes from the plate.  
_  
_ _"I'll miss you mommy. And momma too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll miss you too Ro, but you're going to have so much fun."_  
  
Clarke answers for the both of them.  
  
_"Ugh..."_  
  
Costia pushes her chair back grating loudly it against the floor and starts to walk away from the table.  
  
_"Who are you leaving that plate there for? Can't be for me."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes and doubles back to the table, clearing her plate, cutlery, and mug before heading to the kitchen.  
  
_"Wash the pans that are in the sink too while you're at it."_  
  
Clarke tells her as Costia walks into the kitchen. Costia groans loudly over the sound of the flowing water and the clattering dishes and pans.  
  
_"I should go help her."_  
  
Anya collects the stuff around her and makes to stand but Clarke holds her hand keeping her in place.  
  
_"It's a plate and a few pans. She's not going to die if she does it alone. Finish your food. She's fine."_  
  
Anya looks regretful about letting her sister deal with this alone, but resumes eating anyway.  
  
_"Lex..."_  
  
Lexa lifts her eyes from the plate to look at Clarke.  
  
_"Do you want me to make you anything else? A sandwich or something? I think there might be..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_ Lexa stands hurriedly and grabs her plate. _"Thank you."_  
  
Lexa almost mumbles before she disappears into the kitchen.  
  
_"Stop! Get away from me!"_  
  
That's all Clarke hears Costia shout in the next room before Lexa speedwalks out of the kitchen, towards the front door, and leaves the apartment.  
  
Clarke inhales and exhales deeply. She really is looking forward to a few weeks of, what she hopes will be, no drama.

* * *

The time to drop the girls off at the meeting point comes sooner than expected. If they don't leave the house right this second they will be late, the girls will miss the bus, and Clarke will have to drive them the almost five hours upstate herself.  
  
_"Girls. Now!"_  
  
Clarke calls from the door. As usual, Anya is the first one out. She is always ready when she needs to be. Costia and Roa tend to be the problem.  
  
_"Where are the other two?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know."_  
  
Anya shrugs and she wheels her luggage out to the door and stands next to her mother.  
  
_"They better not be trying to sabotage this trip."_

* * *

Costia looks frantically around her cluttered room but can't find her headphones. She moves clothes, looks in her backpack, and shuffles through drawers. Nothing. Roa has a tendency to steal them so she can use them with the iPad when she's supposed to be sleeping. Costia heads for her room.  
  
_"Ro, how many times ha..."_  
  
Costia walks into her little sister's room only to find her curled up against the wall sobbing.  
  
_"Ro. Hey. What's wrong? Did Lexa do something? Is she back?"_  
  
Roa shakes her head no.  
  
_"Why are you sad then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I...don't...want...to...leave...my...friends."_  
  
Roa's words are cut by deep, body wracking sobs. Costia pulls her youngest sister in for a tight hug.  
  
Since Jake died once Roa starts crying it was almost impossible to get her to stop. Clarke has figured there was more behind her tears than whatever small thing had triggered her at the moment. The emotional reactions always seemed too extreme to just be about a toy or not being able to find her favorite shirt. Once they started therapy, it had gotten somewhat easier to control her outbursts, but they still tended to be over the top.  
  
_"Mommy...says...they...can't...come."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shhh...you're okay Ro."_  
  
Costia holds her and rubs her head being as comforting as a thirteen and a half year old can. This isn't the first time Costia has to attempt to soothe Roa during one of her fits.  
  
_"They're...going...to...be...scared...without...me."_  
  
Costia knew it was probably the opposite. Roa had become dependant on her fantasies. They were her childlike way of dealing with everything happening around her. She projected a lot of her own fears into these imaginary characters she invented and everyone in the family caught up on it pretty quickly.

Costia pulls her sister away from her body, cups her small face, and looks into her puffy blue eyes.  
  
_"Tell Pepper and Tony to hide in my suitcase. Mom won't find them there."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You...think...she...won't?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know she won't. But we have to do it right now before she comes looking for us."_  
  
Costia tries to dry the tears falling down Roa's face.  
  
_"O...kay."_  
  
_"We have to get them in there before I close it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And they...won't...get hurt?"_  
  
Roa's breathing starts to stabilize.  
  
_"We'll tuck them in between my clothes. They'll be safe."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia, you have a minute to be out here!"_  
  
Clarke hollers from the door. Costia jumps on her feet.  
  
_"Come on. You gotta do it quickly. Hide them in my bag and I'll look for my headphones."_  
  
Costia winks at Roa and the little girl runs off still whimpering to pack her invisible companions.  
  
_"Costia!"_  
  
Clarke screams again.  
  
_"We're coming mom! Geez!"_  
  
Costia lifts Roa's pillow and sure enough there are her headphones attached to the iPad.  
  
_"Goddamn it Ro."_  
  
Costia mumbles to herself and she detaches the headphones and rushes back to her room.  
  
_"Costia Abigail...now!"_  
  
Clarke yells from the door yet again.  
  
_"Will you calm down?! We'll be right there!"_  
  
Costia runs into her room to find the top layer of her once neatly packed bag all ruffled.  
  
_"Are they in?"_  
  
Roa nods energetically as she wipes and dries her face.  
  
_"Get your bag and find mom before she has a meltdown. Go!"_  
  
Costia practically pushes Roa out of the room.  
  
_"Costia!"_  
  
Costia hears heavy footsteps coming towards her room.  
  
_"Oh my god! I'm trying to close my bag will you give me a fricking minute?!"_  
  
Clarke walks into her daughter’s bedroom and finds it turned inside out as a result of Costia's search for the headphones.  
  
_"Is this how you plan on leaving your room?"_  
  
Costia, clearly exasperated, turns to her.  
  
_"I can either finish closing this or I can clean my room but I can't do both at the same time. Pick one."_  
  
Costia cocks her head waiting for Clarke to reply.  
_  
_ _"Move it. We're going to be late."_  
  
Clarke leaves the room and heads for Roa's room.  
  
_"Roa!"_  
  
Costia hears the wheels of a tiny suitcase roll out from the room over.  
  
_"I'm ready. I'm ready."_  
  
Clarke meets her as she leaves her room and hastily moves her towards the entrance.  
  
_"Costia! If you're trying to make me leave you, you got another thing coming. Camp is happening even if I have to drive you myself."_  
  
Clarke walks back towards the front door. Costia groans. She double checks that her cigarettes are in her backpack and slings it over her shoulder before yanking down her suitcase from the bed. She turns off the light and pulls the door behind her reluctantly saying goodbye to the beauty of the internet and the privacy of a single room for the next three weeks.

* * *

Clarke and Octavia walk into the relaxed yet refined restaurant after dropping off the girls and Lukas at the meetup location the camp had designated as their departure point. Octavia had to do her best to keep the bus from leaving for the entire eighteen minutes that Clarke and the girls were late, but she succeeded and now the kids were off to camp. They were childless for three weeks. They were free.  
  
_"God. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. Why did we have kids again? Maybe Raven had the right idea."_  
  
Octavia plops down on the booth opposite Clarke. Clarke laughs.  
  
_"The house has never been completely empty before. There was always at least one of them around. This is going to be weird."_

Octavia notes the slightly uneasy tone in Clarke’s voice.

 _"Are you going to be okay?"_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"I think so. I think it'll do all of us good."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is that what the therapist said?"_  
  
_"Dr. Jackson agreed that a few weeks of the break in routine might be best. Particularly for Costia and Lexa."_  
  
The tall and dark waiter walks up as Clarke speaks.  
  
_"Hey Ladies. My name is Ty. What can I get for you today?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Alcohol. Please."_  
  
Octavia begs jokingly and Ty laughs.  
  
_"Well, lucky for you we have a full bar. What would you like?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm a trashy girl and I will have margaritas in broad daylight on a Monday."_  
  
Ty takes notes. He turns to Clarke.  
  
_"And for you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Water is fine."_

Octavia immediately jumps in. 

 _"No. No it isn't. She's going to have a few margaritas too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"O..."_  
  
_"You're having them."_ Octavia tells Clarke. She turns to the waiter. _"She's having them. Thank you."_ _  
_  
Ty chuckles and walks away.  
  
_"You're on kid vacation. Enjoy it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have so much work to do when I get back home."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not home now. Stop stressing. What are you guys planning for the weeks the girls are away?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No idea. I'll try to talk to Lexa about it later. Maybe we could go somewhere? I don't know. Talking to Lexa is such a toss up sometimes. I never know what I'm going to get back. It could be nothing, it could be a grunt, it could start an argument, or she might be somewhat normal. It's really confusing."_  
  
_"I bet. By the way, you asked about help packing up Jake's room but never brought it up again. I have all the time in the world now. Just tell me when."_  
  
Clarke remembers the condition Jake's room was in after Lexa's rampage. She sobbed inconsolably the next day when she had the opportunity to stand in it and properly take it all in. That was the last intact slice of Jake they had and now pretty much all of it was destroyed.  
  
Clarke sat on the floor and smelled the clothes that were scattered in every direction trying to get even a hint of him. Clarke needed one last bit of her son, of his scent, of his essence, of his innocence. No matter how many shirts she went through, she couldn't find him. Jake was gone.

In that moment, Clarke knew it was time to begin truly moving on. She got whatever boxes she had lying around the house and embarked on the task of carefully and dutifully packing his belongings.  
  
Clarke packed until she ran out of space in the boxes she had readily available. She packed until her eyes were too swollen from crying to continue. She packed until it actually hurt to breathe. She was stowing one of the most precious pieces of herself. There was no way of handling that gracefully.  
  
Lexa came home late that night. It would have been impossible for her to notice when she did, but given the fact that the door to Jake's room was off its hinges after Bellamy and Lincoln knocked it down there was no way Lexa would miss it the next morning.  
  
When Lexa first noticed the boxes all over the floor she had a fit. She forcefully emptied them all out before shredding the cardboard to pieces. Once she was done Lexa hurried out of the apartment and didn't come back for almost twenty four full hours.  
  
By the time Lexa returned Clarke had repacked what her wife had spilled on the floor as well as the rest of the room and everything had been moved out. Clarke didn't have it in her to throw his things away just yet, but she knew they needed to be out of the house. Once she was done packing, Clarke called her sister in law knowing that Anya would have space for them in either her attic or basement and that they would all fit in her truck. Everything but his favorite toy was moved out before the end of the day. All that was once Jake’s was now absent from their home.  
  
The instant Anya left Clarke collapsed on the floor of Jake's room embracing the plastic action figure she couldn't bring herself to pack tightly against her chest. Jake really was gone. There was no dancing around it from this point forward.  
  
Turtle slowly walked into Jake's room and approached his crying owner. Clarke held onto the dog and weeped until the girls came home from school. Nana was the first to arrive because Costia had stayed behind to go collect Roa.  
  
Anya found her mom squalling and curled up with the dog on the floor of her brother's room. Anya didn't say anything because there was nothing she could say. The one thing she knew she could do was sit besides her mother and let her know she was there. That's exactly what she did.

Clarke, Nana, and Turtle cried on the floor in silence until Costia and Roa came home. The two of them immediately sat next to the other three as well. They all stayed in that position until long after the sun had gone down.

Clarke normally suffered in silence. She decided she would bear it quietly so they wouldn't have to see how broken she was, but on this day Clarke couldn't bring herself to hold it together. Clarke and her girls mourned the loss of Jake as they had a year ago, but this time it felt different. A year ago there was lot of unknowns. A lot of doubt. A significant amount of paralyzing fear. This time Clarke knew they could make it. They’d already survived the worst part of it. This next stage should be less challenging. They sat on the floor and were as vulnerable as humans could be with each other. They only moved because Clarke realized the girls hadn't eaten. 

Clarke quickly composes herself when she becomes aware that her emotions have gotten in the way of her responsibilities as a mother and she swiftly regains her poise. Soon after the girls get fed and their homework is done as best they can after the afternoon they've had. Anya asks if they can sleep in Clarke's bed that night. Clarke agrees knowing they needed that just as much as she did. The four of them fall asleep in a tangled pile of bodies hours before Lexa comes home.  
  
The girls get rattled awake in the middle of the night when Lexa returns to the apartment to find everything Jake once owned gone. In her anger, Lexa throws the unhinged door across the room forcing one of the sharp wooden edges to pierce clean through the wall it shared with her home office. Lexa leaves again immediately after. She hasn't mentioned any of it ever since.  
  
_"I did it. I figured it should be me who packed his room."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What did you do with his stuff?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya has them. They're in her house for now. At least until I figure out what we should do with all of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How did Lexa take it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"About as well as you would expect. We have to fix a hole in one of the walls."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry, Clarke."_  
  
In that moment a chatty family walks into the restaurant. The dad holds each one of his toddler twin boys in his hands and the mom carries a baby girl that couldn't have been more than eight or nine months old. She's babbling loudly while the boys try and wrestle with each other. The family sits in the table behind Octavia giving Clarke full view of them. The mom sits with her back to Clarke and the dad faces her. The mom throws the baby girl over her shoulder. The charming girl looks at Clarke grinning widely with a toothy smile as she drools on her mom's shoulder. Clarke immediately smiles back at her.  
  
_"It's okay."_  
  
The waiter comes back with the drinks placing a margarita in front of each of the women.  
  
_"Here you go ladies. Have you guys made up your mind on food yet?"_  
  
They both look at the menu they've been ignoring. He gathers they're not ready.  
  
_"I'll give you a few more minutes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke and Octavia say in unison. Octavia perused the menu but Clarke can't keep her eye off the baby. From where she's sitting all she can see is a head of long blonde hair with a blonde, blue eyed baby on its shoulder and Clarke realizes she's spent much of the last fourteen years of her life on the opposite table. She was always part of the family with rowdy children disturbing other clients anywhere they went. The older the kids grew the quieter everything was and after Jake died everything had become almost unbearably noiseless. Life felt lackluster and colorless sometimes. Clarke was starting to realize she misses the kind of chaos young children bring to a parent's life.  
  
_"Cheers!"_  
  
Octavia raises her glass and waits for Clarke to meet her in the middle. Clarke mindlessly follows suit and their drinks clink.  
  
_"Cheers."_  
  
_"To three weeks of relaxation. I'm going to move into the spa. You and Rae should come with. When's the last time you had a spa day?"_  
  
Clarke tries to think.  
_  
_ _"Since before everything happened probably."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay. We're definitely having a spa day. I'll figure out the scheduling and make the appointments. All you have to do is show up and relax."_  
  
Clarke chuckles.  
  
_"Sounds good to me."_  
  
Octavia goes on some tangent about Lincoln's work being obnoxious but Clarke unintentionally tunes out halfway through because the cheeky baby behind her friend has Clarke's full attention. That's exactly how the rest of the meal goes.

* * *

Clarke walks into the apartment and immediately notices how empty it feels. Depending on where Lexa's mood pendulum fell, Clarke could realistically be flying completely solo for the next three weeks. Clarke hasn't been truly alone for two decades. Not without expecting someone who will be loud and messy to eventually come home.

In high school this is all Clarke ever dreamed of her life being. Stylish and spacious apartment in Manhattan, a thriving career in art, and silence. As an only child, Clarke always appreciated her time alone. She would get cranky if she didn't have quiet time for too long. Now she can't imagine what she will do with herself during the full days where she won’t get interrupted fifty times by a small human demanding something from her. These next three weeks should be...intriguing? Clarke had gotten used to being needed and she didn't want to let that go. She wanted to continue to nurture for as long as she possibly could.

The last twenty years of Clarke's life have changed her in ways she could have never anticipated. The last thing she wants to do is to learn how to appreciate silence again. **_That_ ** she's not ready for. It would make the holes in her life too glaring, too unavoidable. The mayhem and the routine keep her busy. To a certain extent they keep her sane. The silence, the silence is maddening and Clarke is not okay with that kind of crazy. She'd take three girls at each other's throats over this hollowness any day.  
  
Clarke looks around the room and starts to notice all the little things out of place. A pair of shoes here, a coloring book there, a doll in that corner, or a charger on the floor. Just by looking at the item she could tell which one of the girls had left it there. They each brought a vivaciousness to their home in their own individual way. Sure, it really drove Clarke to the edge of blind rage sometimes, but she also wouldn't change any of it.  
  
Clarke moves to the pair of shoes on the floor and grabs them. She then picks up the notebook on the coffee table. Then the half empty cup on the TV stand. Then the disc case that rest on top of the media player. She systematically moved around the room decluttering the place. Once that was done she continued with the rest of the house. Before Clarke realized, she was cleaning the entire apartment and she carried on until long after the sun began to set.

* * *

Lexa comes home much earlier than usual. If the girls were around they would definitely still be up. At least Costia and Anya would.  
  
Clarke is sitting on the couch with papers spread around her, her glasses low on her nose, and a pen between her wine stained lips. She hears the front door open and waits for Lexa to walk right past the living room and towards her office, but is pleasantly surprised when Lexa stops at the entrance of the living room.  
  
Lexa looks around the room taking it and Clarke in. Neither of them says anything.  
  
_"It's quiet."_  
  
Lexs tells her matter of factly after a few long moments.  
  
_"It's strange, isn't it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes."_  
  
They stand in silence looking at each other.  
  
_"Do you want something to eat?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head. Clarke moves the computer from her lap, stands up, and walks towards Lexa.  
  
_"Lex, you have to eat. Please. Let me make you something. I had some food earlier but I could eat again too. We could both sit down."_  
  
Clarke searches for Lexa's evading eyes and when they finally meet she speaks again.  
  
_"We haven't had a meal alone in a long time. Just you and me."_  
  
Lexa looks at her and can read the concern in Clarke's eyes.  
  
_"Okay."_  
  
Clarke smiles.  
  
_"Do you have any preference?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head no.  
  
_"Okay. Take a shower and get comfortable. Come find me after you do."_  
  
Clarke runs her hands across Lexa's chest as she walks around her and towards the kitchen. Clarke is shamelessly giddy at the idea of cooking something for the two of them to enjoy however simple it may end up being.  
  
Clarke heads for the kitchen and Lexa moves towards their bedroom.

* * *

That night Clarke and Lexa enjoy a hot meal together before Lexa retreated to her office. It wasn't an exciting affair by any standard. They sit and eat in silence and once they are done Lexa did as she normally does every night, she tucks herself away in the room at the end of the hallway until she was ready for bed.

* * *

The next morning Clarke wakes up to Lexa sitting in the living room reading and sipping on her coffee. Lexa’s hair tended to be braided at all times lately, but this morning it was flowing free and delicately thrown over one of her shoulders. Lexa gnawed on her bottom lip as she concentrated on the words printed on the page. It was a definitely a strange sight to come across because Clarke can't remember the last time she saw Lexa with a book outside of her office. It had to have been before the shooting.   
  
_"Morning."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good morning Clarke."_  
  
Lexa lifts her eyes from the book for only as long as it takes her to say the three words.

Clarke makes her way to the kitchen to pour herself some coffee and couldn't help but smile the entire walk there. Things actually seemed to be improving. Maybe she should've sent the girls away for a few weeks sooner. 

* * *

The pattern continues through the rest of the week. Lexa is more present than she has been since she got out of the hospital a year ago. That doesn't mean she stays home the entire day. Clarke always says and does something that ends up with Lexa walking out, but the time she spends gone is considerably less than it ever has been in the past year. Clarke will take that as a definite win. Any improvement is good in her eyes and she's certainly not going to be one to push Lexa for more than she's willing to give. Not when Clarke is finally allowing herself to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

* * *

Lexa has come to bed at a reasonable time since the girls have been gone. Some nights even before Clarke falls asleep. Lexa being in bed doesn't mean she's resting. She keeps Clarke awake most of the night with her tossing and turning, but truthfully, Clarke doesn't mind. She'd rather Lexa be in bed next to her than alone in her office even if it means sacrificing a few hours off her already short nights.  
  
Tonight Clarke is working late though. She recently negotiated the acquisition of an impressive private collection of postmodern art that even included some originals from Duchamp, de Kooning, and Lichtenstein. It took a lot of finesse on her part to convince the owner to sell his pieces to the gallery, but if there's one person who can talk someone into a bad deal and proceed to thank her for it it's Clarke Griffin-Woods. The only downside to the purchase was that it was now her job to maintain the records, catalogue, and assemble the display of the pieces prior to the opening of the exhibition. She kept telling herself the hefty commission she was going to make off the sales were worth the headache.  
  
Clarke sits on her side of the bed typing away. Lexa lays next to her on her back in silence while staring at the ceiling unable to get any sleep. Lexa's inability to even nap is a significant part of the reason why she's so miserable and cranky all the time. She's tired. She's actually fucking exhausted. She has been for over a year now.  
  
Clarke keeps stealing glances at her. She remembers when they used to cuddle through the night. If they were in bed together there would be no space for air between them. Since Jake died, they've barely touched each other. Their skins connecting feels almost foreign these days.  
  
Clarke has been thinking long and hard about what could mend her family. The kids were in therapy. She was in therapy. Most of their other family members and friends were in therapy. Somehow there was still an emptiness. A gaping hole that Jake left in all their lives. Clarke knew they could never replace him, but the woman with the baby at the restaurant her and Octavia had lunch at a few days prior made her remember how happy her and Lexa were when they had little ones crawling around. Clarke knows no matter how fatigued it made them, having a baby in the house was the highlight of their lives four times over.  
  
The thought hasn't left Clarke's mind. She has been thinking about it for days on end. Perhaps it was worth a shot. Maybe this is just what they needed. There's a chance this could be the thing they're missing. For all she knows this is the solution they've been looking for.  
  
What's the worst that could happen if she brings it up to Lexa? Sure, it might go horrendously wrong but it could also be amazing. Clarke thinks that even the possibility of this being what got their life back on track outweighed anything else.  
  
Clarke closes her laptop, takes off her glasses, turns off her bedside lamp, and for the first time in months she turns her body towards Lexa tentatively wrapping her arm around her wife's torso. Lexa immediately stiffens taken aback by the contact. When Lexa doesn't pull away Clarke grows bolder and rests her head on Lexa's shoulder. They lay in silence for a while, neither of them moving until Clarke breaks the stillness.  
  
_"I miss this. I miss you."_  
  
Lexa doesn't say a word, but a couple of minutes later she readjust them so that her arm is under Clarke's neck and she pulls Clarke tighter to her body. This is the closest they've come to simply casually existing in over a year. Clarke smiles against Lexa's chest because she knows this is as good as she's going to get for now.  
  
Minutes pass and Clarke becomes even more emboldened. She knows if she doesn't say it now, she might never say it.  
  
_"I think we should have another baby."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm evil. I know. :) 
> 
> We'll see how the rest of that conversation went at some point.
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	19. August 16-19, 2024

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I'd never gone more than 36 hours without updating but it's now been six days. Life got in the way, BUT I'm making up for it with a hella long chapter. This is 9.5k and it's all either Clexa or Jexa fluff :)
> 
> \---
> 
> I did manage to make a new social media post in between: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/159106023700/clexa-family-au-part-5-the-griffin-woods
> 
> These are quick snapshots of Lexa’s end on interactions happening between Chapters 7 & 17 (September 2016) and Chapter 13 (Mid February 2017). Basically we see bits of how Clarke’s absurd eating habits carried over from the first baby to her pregnancy with Anya and also how Costia is simultaneously the best and worst. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**August 16-19, 2024**

_"Mr. Tort Oise and Mr. Rabb It stroll down the field..."_  
  
Thirty five year old Lexa sat on five year old Jake's bed reading him a story from whatever book he had picked from his bookshelf that night. Lexa was fully dressed in a stark grey suit, matte grey shirt, a red tie, and red suede brogue boots. Her back was against the wall but her body twists at a weird angle as a result of her trying to keep her shoes off the bed.  
  
Jake's head rested against her chest while he bunched the center of Lexa's once perfectly ironed shirt in his hand.  
  
Ever since he was a newborn Jake did this thing where he held on to Lexa or Clarke for dear life as he was dozing off. Jake was a sleepy clinger and he **_had_ ** to fall asleep with their shirts held tightly between his little fingers or he couldn’t fall asleep at all. It had become another regular part of the nightly routine. Over the years Jake had stretched all of their favorite sleep shirts with the relentless way he pulled on them sometimes. Getting him to let go once he was asleep was just as difficult as it was trying to convince him not to cling in the first place.

 _“...discussing their adventure and their discovery of the indestructible shield.”_  
  
The little boy's beryl eyes were glued on the detailed, hand drawn images surrounding the words Lexa was reading. His lids grew droopy with every word Lexa uttered out loud.  
  
_"They hopped and hopped across the land..."_  
  
Clarke strolls into the room. She's wearing a form fitting navy blue dress with a deep V cut on the front that more than assured she provided a severely distracting amount of cleavage. Clarke’s makeup is done pristinely and she's wearing the highest and most uncomfortable - yet incredibly sexy - looking apple green heels that Lexa has ever seen her wear. Clarke is two months shy of turning thirty two and has had four kids, but Lexa swears Clarke has never looked this good before. She endlessly insists there has to be something magical about her wife.  
  
_"...in search for the witch's magic wand."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, we're going to be late."_  
  
Clarke interrupts from the door and her two favorite sets of green orbs look up at her.  
  
_"Bedtime isn't over mommy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know baby..."_ Clarke walks over to the bed and sits next to Jake _"...but I can ask grandma to finish the story for you if you want. Momma and I have to go or we're going to miss our dinner."_ _  
_  
Clarke kisses his head.  
  
_"I want momma to finish."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke pleading.  
  
_"If we wait until he's asleep we're not going to make our reservation."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I was just getting to the good part though."_  
  
Lexa almost whimpers at Clarke.  
  
_"Lexa...I had to basically bribe someone to get us into the books. I have a feeling you'll both survive without the full bedtime schedule tonight. Up. Come on."_  
  
Clarke aims to pull the book from Lexa's hand but Lexa resists. Both her and Jake look at Clarke and give her pathetic whines.  
  
_"One of the most coveted tables in the city has our name on it starting at 9pm. If we're not there by 9:20 it goes to someone else. It's 8:23 and we're forty minutes away with traffic. He should have been asleep twenty minutes ago anyway. We have to go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But..."_  
  
Jake and Lexa reply at the same time with their sad eyes looking at Clarke.  
  
_"No buts. We're not missing this dinner."_  
  
Clarke tells them with finality as she manages to free the book from Lexa's hand and places it on the short bedside table next to her. She yanks on Lexa's arm pulling her up to the edge of the bed.  
  
_"I'll send grandma in to finish reading it to you."_  
  
Clarke tells her son as she kisses his head before getting up. Jake looks up at Lexa with sad eyes.  
  
_"I'm sorry. We can read two stories tomorrow to make up for tonight."_  
  
Lexa leans down to kiss his head before extending her fist. Jake immediately responds and they proceed to do what Jake insisted was their "secret handshake" although there was very little mystery to it. The handshake was nothing more than three consecutive fist bumps followed by slapping their open palms twice. Jake had come up with it when he was four and Lexa guesses that, when put into context, this probably seemed complex enough to his young mind.  
  
Once they were done with their handshake Lexa asks the question she asks him every night when she's putting him to sleep, or every morning when she leaves for work, or whenever they have to separate in general.  
  
_"Guess how much I love you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Five!"_  
  
The little boy tells her suddenly more awake than he's ever been in the last hour. For some reason Jake always though the answer to that question was a number. Lexa was hoping one day he would grow old enough to discover it couldn't have been a number because her love for any of her kids couldn't be quantified.  
  
_"Nope. Two more tries."_  
  
Lexa smiles at him and the little boy thinks hard before his next answer. Clarke walks to the door looking at them impatiently as the bedtime routine she specifically told them they didn't have time for unfolds anyway.  
  
_"Lexa..."_  
  
Clarke tries to rush it along.  
  
_"I gotta go Jay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Seven?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not even close."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Tenty bizillion trillion."_  
  
Lexa laughs and makes a sound that vaguely resembles a buzzer to let him know he got it wrong again.  
  
_"That sounds like a lot, but no. They were good guesses though. Maybe you’ll get it tomorrow."_  
  
Lexa kisses Jake's head and gets up from the bed.  
  
_"I love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you more momma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Impossible."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and moves up to pull Lexa by the hand.  
  
_"I'm not missing the foie gras. Let's go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Be good for grandma Jay."_  
  
Lexa manages to tell him from just outside his door as Clarke drags her down the hallway and towards the front door.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa rush into the restaurant with two minutes to spare before their reservation would've gone to someone else. The moment they step inside Clarke is taken aback by the decor. If the ambiance is any indication of how magnificent she’s been told the food is, then she has no doubts this may be the best anniversary dinner they've had yet.  
  
The space is covered in wood aged through the hundred or so years of history this building carries, but the open room doesn't feel unwelcoming. The palette is warm and ornate tiles with floral patterns and stained glass accents bring the room to life.  
  
Once they arrive the host takes them to one of the tables along the far glass wall that gives them a clear view of a park, the riverfront, and the skyline beyond it. Her friend had guaranteed Clarke this was one of their better tables. She had really hoped the painting she basically sold him for pennies was worth this reservation. As they were guided to their table, Clarke looked around and quickly realized it had been a more than fair transaction.  
  
_"Your server will be right with you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa reply in almost perfect unison.  
  
_"This place is nice."_  
  
Lexa looks around the room before her eyes end back on Clarke.  
_  
_ _"Two more minutes and we wouldn't have found out exactly how nice."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You..."_  
  
Lexa is interrupted.  
  
_"Princess. I’m glad you made it."_  
  
Clarke turns at the sound of a familiar voice and finds Finn standing there holding a bottle of champagne inside a chiller. He sets it down next to the table. Lexa knots her brow at the sound of the name and the moment of recognition it soon brought. Clarke stands to hug him.  
  
_"Thank you for making this happen."_  
  
Finn makes the hug linger for longer than seemed appropriate. Lexa glowers at him.  
  
_"Anything for an old friend...and great artist."_  
  
Finn subtly points to the far wall where Clarke sees the painting she had sold him earlier that month hanging proudly and enhancing the space.  
  
_"You're displaying it here?!"_  
  
Clarke said pleasantly surprised.  
  
_"I kept it in my office for a while but figured it definitely needed to be seen by others who could appreciate it just as much as I do. It would have been selfish of me not to do that. It's a great piece."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke and Finn smile at each other and Lexa nonchalantly clears her throat. Clarke turns to look at her.  
  
_"Lexa, Finn. Finn, this is my wife Lexa."_  
  
Finn extends his hand.  
  
_"Nine years. Congratulations. That's impressive."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nine married today, but fifteen overall actually."_  
  
Lexa says in what Clarke swiftly recognizes as her defensive tone. Clarke glares at her wife silently asking her to behave.  
  
_"That's amazing. Clarke is a stunning woman."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know."_  
  
The three fall silent for a few seconds before Clarke breaks the ice again.  
  
_"The place is beautiful Finn."_  
  
Clarke looks around the room.  
  
_"Thank you. Rumor is we're making the next James Beard list."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No way! Congratulations."_  
  
Clarke hugs him again which makes Lexa bring up her hands to adjust her tie because she has to do something besides jumping between them.  
  
_"The old man might finally be okay with the whole restaurateur thing. We'll see. Can't seem to make him happy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Still resisting the idea is he?"_  
  
Finn laughs and brings his hand up to Clarke's arm.  
  
_"Hasn't changed one bit. He asks about you sometimes. He insists on reminding me that letting you go was my biggest mistake."_  
  
Lexa clears her throat again, more forcefully this time. Finn smiles at Clarke.  
  
_"I should leave you guys to it. I've told the staff to treat you like the most important diner in the room, because you are. Drinks are on me tonight. That's a Pol Roger Winston Churchill 2002."_ Finn points to the bottle resting tableside on ice. _"They'll let me know what you guys decide to order and I'll make some wine pairings for you."_ _  
_  
_"Finn, you don't have to."_  
  
Finn raises his hand to stop her.  
  
_"I know I got a great deal on the most amazing artwork currently in my dining room. It's the least I could do. Thank you guys for coming. Enjoy."_  
  
Finn looks over Clarke's shoulder at Lexa before squeezing Clarke's arm and walking away. Clarke sits back down at the table.  
  
_"We're at your ex-boyfriends restaurant?"_  
  
Lexa growls at Clarke.  
  
_"He owns half of the best restaurants in the city. We've eaten at many before you just haven't found out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He was an asshole to you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And now he's giving us $600 bottles of champagne for zero dollars. I'll say he's slowly making up for it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't like this. Why didn't you tell me this place was his?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Would you have come if I had?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Absolutely not."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's your answer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clar..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Tonight isn't about Finn, Lexa. Why are you making a big deal out of it?"_  
  
Clarke asks mildly annoyed.  
  
_"He was staring."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He has eyes. That's what they're there for."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He was staring at your..."_  
  
Lexa doesn't say the words but points at her chest.  
  
_"And? They look great in this dress. He can stare all he wants. Only one person gets to see what I'm wearing...or not wearing...underneath later."_ Clarke raises her right eyebrow and smirks at her wife. Redness starts to creep up Lexa's neck. _"Forget Finn is a thing tonight. He's not why we're here. We're here because the food is supposed to be incredible and because nine years ago I tricked you into marrying me. Let me celebrate that."_  
  
Clarke chastises Lexa.  
  
_"I thought I was the one who had conned you."_  
  
Lexa tells her playfully.  
  
_"Nah, that's what I want you to think. I'm definitely the lucky one."_  
  
Clarke extends her hand palm up over the table and Lexa puts hers in it.  
  
_"Happy Anniversary."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Happy Anniversary Clarke."_  
  
They both smile brightly at each other before Clarke brings her eyes down to look at the menu in front of her. In that moment their server walks over. He introduces himself and corks their bottle of bubbly. He then takes their appetizer order. Clarke is having the famous Foie Gras and perennially reserved Lexa opts for the safer Soufflé Au Fromage. The waiter leaves to put in their order and they are left alone. Clarke raises her flute.  
  
_"I know fifteen officially isn't for another two months, but I want to toast to that night because honestly, if anything would have been even remotely different then I'm pretty sure my life would be a lot less wonderful than it is today."_  
  
Lexa smiles at Clarke's sweet words and clinks their glasses together.  
  
_"I guess if you pay for dinner that might make up for the lost deposit. Maybe."_  
  
Lexa shrugs cheekily and Clarke laughs.  
  
_"Are you ever going to let that security deposit go?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I doubt it."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"I love you and I'm glad you brought up things that were lost that night because I have something for you."_  
  
Clarke reaches for her silver clutch and pulls out a delicately wrapped package.  
  
_"We said no gifts Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Since when do I follow rules?"_  
  
Clarke smiles at her wife while she extends the package to Lexa. Lexa rolls her eyes before taking it.  
  
_"Well, I guess it's a good thing I know you."_  
  
Lexa unbuttons her jacket and slips her hand into her breast pocket pulling out a long black velvet jewelry case. She bestows it to Clarke.  
  
_"We said no gifts Lex."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And I knew you would get me one anyway."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mine is less impressive if you got me one too."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"I'm terribly sorry to make you look bad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever. Open it. Be careful. It's...delicate. It's not the way it should be kept or transported but I thought this would be the best place to give it to you. I'm sure any restorer would be angry at me, I just couldn't help myself."_  
  
Lexa looks at the package in her hand curious and begins to open it. Once she unwraps the carefully crafted layers protecting the item, she comes across an old and weathered leather journal. Lexa could see the pages inside were yellow indicating age. She was no real expert on antique books, but from what little she knew she had to guess this was at least eighty or maybe ninety years old. Not wanting to disturb the fragile tome before her, Lexa opts to look up at Clarke and wait for an explanation rather than touching it.  
  
_"I got wind of an auction happening in Paris earlier this year. Some private collections were being put up for sale and the owners wanted the pieces to go to buyers who would really appreciate them so they opened them only to other collectors, dealers, and curators. I requested the list of items because I wanted to see if there was anything I could talk Dante into getting for the gallery. Something else quickly became my priority though. I know I can never replace the copy I destroyed that night, but hopefully this comes close."_  
  
Lexa's eyes grow wide when she thinks she knows what Clarke is getting at.  
  
_"You already got me another first edition. And it's signed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This isn't the book. Not completely at least."_  
  
Lexa looks at her confused.  
  
_"In the list of items there was an item said to belong to Camus. The description was vague so I immediately jumped on the phone with the seller in Paris to find out more. It's one of Camus's private journals. Handwritten. The first chunk are all poems he wrote to a woman named Marguerite. A woman he seemed to love very much and the words I was able to translate tells me he loved her_ **almost** _as much as I love you. I'm told the latter part are the notes he was taking before he started writing "The Stranger". They think the journal spans from 1940 to 1941. Some pages are starting to fall apart, but I figured you could at least attempt to read what we could decipher once or twice. I thought it might give you some insight on your favorite book or it would simply be fun to read some of his unpublished work."_  
  
By the time Clarke is done talking Lexa's eyes are the size of lemons. This is one of Nobel Laureate Albert Camus's journals. She wrote more papers than she could count on the man as she was getting her undergraduate degree in philosophy. She considers him one of - if not the most - brilliant philosophical mind of the 20th century. He was someone who made a lot of the bad days seem less long with his words. Camus was the author Lexa exalted the most and she now had his most private thoughts in front of her. Clarke had done that for her.  
  
_"Clarke, this must have cost a fortune. We can't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I got a great price. I'm a pretty good negotiator."_  
  
Clarke tells her smugly. Lexa begins to wrap it once again as carefully as she can. She is suddenly afraid she might break it.  
  
_"We can sell this. Put it towards college funds."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Lexa, their college funds are more than okay at the moment. That wasn't for the kids. That is for you and I'm going to be upset if you force me to explain exactly why you're going to keep it."_  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa tells her guilty.  
  
_"You never put yourself first Lex. It's always me, or the kids, or Anya, or our friends, or whoever you're defending in court at the time. You always put everyone and everything ahead of you. It's my job to remind you that you can be selfish sometimes. You're keeping that and you're going to enjoy it. Understood?"_  
  
_"I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This isn't negotiable."_  
  
Lexa sighs.  
  
_"You're difficult."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I am and you love me for it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do. Very much."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can I open mine now?"_  
  
Clarke points to the case she'd been holding in her hands and Lexa nods. Clarke lifts the lid of the case and discovers the finest necklace she has ever seen. The chain is platinum and the pendant is a row of five stones. Three of them are blue sapphires and two are emeralds. The order is green, blue, blue, green, and blue.  
  
_"Your eyes."_  
  
One stone for Lexa and each of the kids. Clarke immediately gets the meaning behind it and looks up at Lexa with tears in her eyes.  
  
_"Another way you can carry us with you."_  
  
Clarke stands and walks around the table. Her lips meet Lexa's not giving a single thought to the dozens of people around them.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
Clarke looks into Lexa's eyes before turning her back to Lexa and moving her hair to the side. Lexa instantly understands what Clarke wants and reaches over the table to grab the case. She pulls the chain out and wraps it around her wife's neck. Once it's been secured, Clarke turns back to face Lexa and she can't help but kiss her again. Deep and slow. A few seconds later, Lexa slowly pushes her away and looks at her embarrassed.  
  
_"People Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who cares?"_  
  
Clarke whispers against Lexa's lips.  
  
_"I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fine. I've never understood your thing with PDA, but fine."_  
  
Clarke walks back to her chair and sits.  
_  
_ _"Thank you for letting me fool you into thinking I was wife material."_  
  
Clarke takes a sip of the velvety and majestic liquid in her glass. She concludes she definitely made a fair trade with Finn.  
  
_"The fact that you honestly believe you got the better end of the deal is funny."_ Lexa smiles and drinks some champagne. _"By the way, you still have to give me the list of supplies I need to pick up for Cos."_ _  
_  
_"No. We're not doing that tonight. We're not talking about the kids. Or work. Forbidden topics. Not tonight."_  
  
Lexa smiles at her and before she can reply their server approaches the table with their starters. The next ten minutes at their table could have been mistaken for sex if anyone was going by just sounds. They both unavoidably oohed and ahhed as they got through their first course.

Soon after the waiter returns to take their entree orders. Clarke opts for the leg of lamb with fine herbs, flageolet beans, escarole, and lamb jus. Lexa goes for the roasted squab with petits farcis, black truffle, and huckleberry jus. Finn sends them a bottle of John Sebastiano Pinot Noir ‘14 to accompany the meal. 

Over dinner they have a chance to talk about little things. They rekindle old conversations that the crazy pace of life had prevented them from revisiting once they had been originally interrupted. They also remember their college days. They talk about art, music, books, and about nothing relevant at all sometimes. This night reminds Lexa how much she love simply existing in Clarke's presence. It does the exact same thing for Clarke. 

Dessert rolls around not long following their entrees. Clarke picks the more adventurous Armagnac Mille-Feuilles with poached pears and marinated prunes while Lexa goes for the traditional passion fruit and banana Vacherin. Finn pairs their third course with a bottle of Gewurztraminer Hugel ‘07. Once they’re done with that bottle, Finn then sends them two glasses of Vintage Dow’s Port ‘01. Needless to say that given the amount of alcohol Finn has provided them with, they’re both more than a little intoxicated by the time they request the check. That's when their server informs them that the entire meal is on the house. No matter how much Clarke and Lexa resist, Finn refuses to charge them. They decide to leave a hefty tip for their server before they head out.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa walk hand in hand down the half lit path on the park.  
  
_"Tonight was fantastic Clarke. Thank you."_  
  
Clarke rests her head on Lexa's shoulder and squeezes her hand.  
  
_"Thank_ **you** _for many fantastic nights."_  
  
They keep on walking in silence for a while until Clarke spots an old tree with the thickest trunk she's ever seen. She pulls Lexa in that direction. Inebriated Clarke promptly sits on the grass with her back resting against the trunk but when she tries to pull Lexa down next to her, Lexa thwarts her attempts.  
  
_"A grass stain isn't coming out of these pants."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll get you new ones."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"These_ **are** _new."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'll get you even newer ones then. It's a pair of pants Lexa. Sit."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa from the floor. Lexa isn't budging.  
  
_"Grass isn't coming out of this dress either and you don't see me pouting about it. Come be with me."_  
  
Clarke yanks her down and Lexa finally gives in. Lexa plops down next to Clarke and sits cross-legged on the grass.  
  
_"I really liked this suit."_  
  
Lexa pulls the part of her hair that isn't intricately braided and throws it over her shoulder before resting her head back against the trunk and pivoting it to look at what Lexa still swears is the most breathtaking girl she's ever seen.  
  
_"You'll live."_  
  
Clarke mocks her and Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For making you ruin a suit?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For all the great things you've given me. I can think of at least four."_  
  
Lexa jokes and Clarke laughs.  
  
_"Just four?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"_ **Maybe** _five."_  
_  
_ _"Is the other one the dog?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Never the dog. The dog is a permanent nightmare."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You love the dog."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I plead the fifth."_  
  
Clarke laughs heartily at the end of their quick back and forth banter.  
  
_"Of course you do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I mean it though. It hasn't been perfect, but I wouldn't change it. Any of it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Speak for yourself. It's definitely been perfect."_  
  
Clarke bumps her shoulder against Lexa's.  
  
_"I know for a fact that you don't believe that every day."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I block out the days that I don't. It’s the only way you’re still alive."_  
  
Lexa laughs. Clarke rests her head on Lexa's shoulder and finds her hand prior to interlacing their fingers.  
  
_"Fifteen years. That's fucking crazy Lex. We were kids."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We were."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Now we have kids."_  
  
Lexa hums and rests her head against Clarke’s closing her eyes taking the moment in.  
  
_"It's insane."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It is."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How is Cos about to start fourth grade already? I remember being pregnant like it was yesterday."_  
  
_"I don't want to talk about it. I feel ancient. Jake starts kindergarten on Monday. He's a baby!"_  
  
_"Are you going to survive or do I need to go on a Xanax and tissue run on Sunday night?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shut up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm just saying...your track record with first days of kindergarten is pretty grim."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who decided five is an appropriate age to go to school?! They're still too small. They can't even defend themselves."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, did you forget that every boy in Cos's class was terrified of her because she kept biting them when they did something she didn't like?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok, they can't even defend themselves...except for Cos. She's something else."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That she is."_  
  
They sit in silence for a while simply watching the passersby.  
  
_"Seriously though, are you going to be okay? With Jake's first day I mean."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd rather not think about it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Raven says you'll probably cry more than you did on Cos's first day."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Raven can bite me."_  
  
Clarke chortles and snorts a laugh.  
  
_"I think she's right."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's so tiny Clarke. Cos was...Cos. Deep down I knew she'd be fine. She was unfazed by the whole thing even though we were a mess, but what if Jake ends up with a Costia in his class? What if there's a girl that bites him or teases him or boys that push him around? He's small and quiet and kids are cruel. I know exactly how cruel they can be because I was like him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then he'll tell you and we'll deal with it. He's tougher than he looks Lex. He takes after you, remember?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I look tough."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure you do babe."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I hate you."_  
  
_"You don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He'll be fine Lex."_  
  
Clarke squeezes her hand trying to comfort her.  
  
_"You really think so?"_  
  
Clarke turns her head to look into Lexa's quizzical eyes.  
  
_"He's smart and he's witty. He isn't always the loudest, but he's firm when he needs to be. He has to deal with three crazy sisters every day. Ever worse, he’s had to put up with Costia his entire life. I’m sure he can handle kindergarten."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Kids were the only bad part of school for me. I see a lot of myself in him. I'm worried he'll have a hard time too."_ Lexa hesitates to say her next words. _"I don't want them going through anything I went through even if it seems stupid like playground bullies."_  
  
Clarke turns her body to face Lexa completely.  
  
_"That's what makes you an amazing mom Lex. It's why I love to see you with them. You're there. You care. You try your hardest to give them your best even though no one was ever there for you like that. You don't always get it right, but you sure as hell try."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're much better at it than me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not a competition."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know, but you're still better at it. It's obvious."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, I think we have different strengths. You're usually terrible at disciplining them, but I understand why. I get it. You're the one they come to when they want to get away with something or when they need help with homework. They caught onto who the smart one was pretty quickly."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You're very smart Clarke."_  
  
Lexa tries to reassure her.  
  
_"Not in the way you are and that's fine. All I'm trying to tell you is that neither one of us is better than the other at this mom thing. We compliment each other. We pick up where the other one lacks. We're a team."_ Clarke smiles at Lexa. _"I'm pretty confident that this team raised a little dude who can survive pre-school."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. I know his school is on the opposite direction of your office but I can drop off Cos and Nana if you want to take him on Monday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We'd both be going in the other direction if we did that Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I'm not saying we should do it every day, I'm just saying I could take the girls on Monday if you want to be the one to drop him off for the first time."_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa contemplates the idea for a second before leaning in and kissing Clarke softly.  
  
_"I'd like that."_  
  
Clarke nods and smiles before she talks again.  
  
_"We just have to get up earlier. I'm sure they'll all be happy about that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, they'll be ecstatic."_  
  
They both laugh imagining the amount of groaning that will come out of Costia when they try to get her up.  
  
_"I wish they'd stay little forever."_  
  
_"I'm actually looking forward to how quiet the house will be when they all leave for college. No more arguing? That sounds like a dream."_  
  
Lexa laughs at the honesty in Clarke’s words.  
  
_"Roa still has fifteen years to go before that Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't remind me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fifteen more years. Do you think we'll make it that far?"_  
  
Lexa looks at her wife hopeful of the answer she will give.  
  
_"Pretty sure I said 'forever' the day we got married, didn't I? You're not getting rid of me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not planning on it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. You better not be. I'd hate to have to fight your next girlfriend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd feel bad for her. You're scary when you’re mad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd feel bad for her too."_  
  
They both laugh before falling into comfortable silence. After a few minutes, Clarke lays flat on her back resting her head on Lexa's thigh and staring at the dark, cloudy sky.  
  
_"You remember that night we sat in a park looking at the stars? I was super pregnant with Cos and I made you get up because I was craving churros."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I feel like that happened more than once."_  
  
They both laugh recalling the wild ride that are Clarke's pregnancy cravings.  
  
_"The night I told you about her name."_  
  
Lexa nods remembering it very well.  
  
_"I was scared Lex. I had no idea where we were going to go from there. A wedding and a baby were right around the corner. The future seemed pretty terrifying. I wish I could go back and tell that version of me to relax. To enjoy every second of it that much more. Tell her she made the right choice and even though that version of you might spend a little too much time at work, you'd never let her down. That nine years later they'd still be at a park, at night, looking at the sky and that this version of her would love you more than she ever thought possible."_  
  
Lexa was trying her best to not cry, but Clarke was making it very hard for her to hold it together.  
  
_"I...I don't..."_ Lexa tries to find the right thing to say. _"I'm not good with words Clarke."_  
  
_"I've heard you in court. You're amazing with words. You just have trouble with certain kinds of words. I know. You always show me the things you can't say, Lex. That's all I need. No pressure."_  
  
Lexa nods. They stay in silence like that for a long while. Words aren't always necessary between them. Clarke stays on her back looking up at Lexa with her head resting on her thigh and Lexa looks down at the woman who owns her heart in more ways than she could ever describe. Once Lexa's leg starts to go past the acceptable point of numb and the number of people walking through the park dwindles, Lexa speaks.  
  
_"Do you want to go home? I'm quite curious to see what's under the dress."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have a feeling you might like it."_  
  
Clarke smiles at Lexa coquettishly before sitting up.

* * *

Monday morning comes sooner than Lexa would've wanted. Suddenly the first day of school for three kids is upon them and the house is roaring with more chaos than usual. Lexa can hear Clarke down the hallway trying to get the older girls ready. It was Lexa's job to take care of the little ones. The two of them had to get four kids ready to walk out the door in the next forty five minutes and from the sounds coming from the other end of the apartment, they both seem to be failing miserably at it.  
  
Lexa stands in front of Jake's closet. She carries a five year old with damp hair and wearing nothing but brightly colored underwear in her arms as they examine the wardrobe options.  
  
_"This one?"_  
  
Lexa points to a shirt. He shakes his head no.  
  
_"We should've done this last night."_ Lexa laments while she points at another shirt. _"What about this one?"_ _  
_  
_"No. Can I look like you momma?"_  
  
Lexa turns to look at him confused.  
  
_"What do you mean?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You look nice when you go to work. I want to look like you. Can I get a tide?"_  
  
Lexa laughs at his adorable mistake.  
  
_"You mean a tie? You want to wear one to school? I don't know if that's a good idea Jay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You wear them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, but...it's different Jay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How?"_  
  
Jake looks at her confused.  
  
_"It's...I don't think you have a tie. I know we got you one for the wedding a few months ago, but I have no idea where that would be. I think a t-shirt and jeans could do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I want my tide."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jay, I don't know where it is."_  
  
Lexa tries to convince him, but she can read it in his face that he's not acquiesing on this. She heads for the door to find Clarke.

* * *

_"Clarke, do you..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's still not dressed?!"_  
  
Clarke interrupts Lexa the moment she sees Lexa walk into Costia's room. Seven year old Anya stands in front of the mirror quietly brushing her hair while Clarke struggles to put shoes on a reticent almost nine year old Costia.  
  
_"Cos, I swear. Today is not the day."_ Clarke glares at her daughter before turning to her wife and son at the door. _"Why is he still naked?"_  
  
_"He’s technically not naked. Do you know where the tie we got him for Monty's wedding ended up?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He wants to wear a tie?"_  
  
Lexa asks with trepidation being well aware she's two seconds away from getting into trouble with Clarke.  
  
_"I want to look like momma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa...I don't have a clue. Did you check his bottom drawer?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_  
  
Lexa begins to walk away.  
  
_"If there's no tie there he needs to wear something else. You call the shots, not him. Remember that."_  
  
Clarke screams after her as she looks back at Costia.  
  
_"You're going to school with or without shoes. Your choice Costia."_

* * *

Lexa double times back to Jake's room and heads for his dresser. She looks through every drawer and the tie isn't there. She turns to the little boy in her arms.  
  
_"Jay, I can't find it. We're going to have to go with something else."_ _  
__  
__"No."_ Jake immediately begins to cry. He wraps his arms around Lexa's neck and sobs into her shoulder. _"I want to look like you!"_  
  
Lexa sighs and starts to think out loud trying to come up with a solution or at least talk him out of the idea.  
  
_"I can't give you one of mine because they would be too long. Maybe I could cut one? No. They'd still be too thick."_  
  
The little boy sobs against her neck. Lexa runs her hands up and down his back trying to soothe him. Her brain fires a million miles an hour until her eyes light up.  
  
_"Hey Jay...how about a bowtie? I can get you one of those."_  
  
Jake lifts his head to look at her. His face is already puffy and red and there's snot running down his nose. Lexa shakes her head because she gave him a bath not ten minutes ago and he already looks a mess again.  
  
_"Would that work?"_ _  
__  
__"Will I look like you?"_ _  
__  
__"Yes. It's one of mine. You'll definitely look like me."_  
  
Jake nods. Lexa walks to his closet and pulls brown pants and a blue button up for him. She lays them on his bed and puts him down.  
  
_"Can you get your pants on while I go find one?"_  
  
Jake nods and Lexa leaves the room heading for her bedroom.

* * *

Clarke sees Lexa walk past Costia's door and calls after her.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
Lexa reverses to Costia's room and finds Clarke braiding Costia's long, blonde hair.  
  
_"Is he ready?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Working on it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is Ro ready?"_  
  
Lexa shakes her head.  
  
_"She's sitting in the playroom watching TV."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Honestly? Really, Alexandria?"_ Clarke doesn't even attempt to hide her annoyance. _"You should’ve given them both a bath at the same time. We're going to be so late."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's not being too cooperative today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, if you said 'no' every once in a while..."_  
  
Lexa rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Can I go? I can probably have him at the table in ten minutes if you stop arguing with me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be a smartass with me Lex."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mommy said a bad word."_  
  
Anya snickers from the mirror.  
  
_"It's bad when you say it. It's not bad when I do. You've been brushing your hair for ages Nana. You're good. Go to the kitchen. I'll be there in a second."_ Clarke turns to find Lexa still hovering at the door. _"Go!"_  
  
Lexa rushes away.

* * *

Lexa returns to Jake's room with a blue bowtie in hand to find him dressed. Well, kind of dressed. His pants are on but the buttons on his shirt are in the wrong holes so it's lopsided. She sits on the bed and pats the space next to her.  
  
_"Come here."_  
  
The little boy rushes over. Lexa attempts to fix his shirt with one hand and grabs the brush on his bedside table with the other trying to tame his wild brown curls.  
  
_"Ouch!"_  
  
Jake pulls away.  
  
_"Ok. Ok. I'm sorry. No brushing."_  
  
Lexa lifts the collar on his shirt and gets to working on the bowtie. She has it ready in a matter of seconds. It definitely looks too big in proportion to his lanky body, but it'll make him happy so Lexa lets it slide. She folds his collar back down and straightens his shirt.  
  
_"There you go. You look very handsome Jay."_  
  
_"Like you?"_  
  
_"Yeah. You look just like me. Go sit at the table. Your mom will be right there. I have to get Ro ready for day care."_  
  
Jake bolts from the room to the front of the apartment leaving Lexa alone. In that exact moment and before Lexa even has a chance to stand up, Clarke walks by the door to see her wife sitting on the bed.

_“Aww...you look so comfortable there. It’s almost like you don’t have a three year old to bathe and dress.”_

Clarke tells her sarcastically from the doorway. Lexa sneers as her as she gets up from the bed to go deal with the toddler who is currently going through a severe water aversion phase.

_“I should have never let you convince me to have kids.”_

Lexa tells her and Clarke smacks her palm against her back as Lexa heads for the playroom.

 _“Me?! Don’t blame_ **me** _for this! This is all your fault.”_

Lexa snickers and Clarke hears their youngest shriek when Lexa walks into the room before she heads for the kitchen to get breakfast started. 

* * *

Lexa is standing alone in the dining room rushing through her breakfast when she hears Clarke approaching with a gaggle of voices behind her. Clarke walks into the room first. She is holding a sleepy Roa in her arms. Costia and Anya talk loudly behind her. A few seconds after they enter the room Jake comes barreling in and runs straight into Lexa's legs. He has a colorful bag that is almost bigger than his entire body strapped to his back.  
  
Jake wraps his arms around Lexa's calves.  
  
_"Jacob, no. Up from the floor. You can't get dirty before we even leave."_  
  
Clarke admonishes him while the three girls try to talk to her at the same time. Clarke looks at Lexa who looks at Jake with his huge bag and his dapper little outfit.  
  
_"Lex, we haven't even left the house yet. Really?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When did he get so big?"_  
  
Lexa looks up at Clarke with the saddest eyes and thick streams of tears rolling down her cheeks. Clarke puts Roa down and shoos the kids away.  
  
_"You guys can go watch TV for five minutes. Five! I'll come get you in a second."_  
  
The kids stampede towards the playroom and Clarke walks to the table.  
  
_"Scoot back."_  
  
Clarke instructs Lexa who pushes her chair away from the table leaving space between her torso and the wood. Clarke sits on her lap, grabs one of the napkins on the table, and begins to dry Lexa's face.  
  
_"You are ridiculous. You know that right?"_  
  
Clarke dabs her face clearing the tears.  
  
_"He looks so tiny with that backpack. Are you sure we can't keep him home for another year?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No, we can't."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss her.  
_  
_ _"You at least waited until we got to school with the girls. This is a new record."_  
  
Clarke laughs at Lexa.  
  
_"It's not funny."_  
  
Lexa pouts.  
  
_"It's very funny."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't tell Anya...or Raven."_  
  
Clarke laughs again.  
  
_"You know I will. But seriously, do you want me to take him instead?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No!"_ Lexa rushes to say. _"No. No. I can do it."_  
  
_"You're a softie Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not."_  
  
_"Right."_ Clarke leans in to kiss her again. _"He'll be fine Lexa."_  
  
Lexa begins to tear up again.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
Clarke can stop herself from laughing at how sad she looks.  
  
_"Big bad Lexa Woods is very cute when she's sad and pouty."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Will you_ **ever** _stop calling me cute?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure. Whenever you stop being cute."_  
  
Lexa rolls her eyes.  
_  
_ _"Are you going to survive dropping him off?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I guess."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Then I need you to brush your teeth so we can leave."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Lexa mumbles.  
  
_"What am I going to do with you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Love me?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I already do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then I guess that's it."_  
  
Clarke smiles and leans in to kiss Lexa again. This time she uses her lips to reassure Lexa.  
  
_"He's going to be fine."_  
  
Clarke whispers against Lexa's mouth before kissing her wife's forehead. She gets up from Lexa's lap and grabs the near empty plate on the table.  
  
_"Teeth. Brush. Two minutes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes ma'am."_  
  
Lexa gets up and heads for their bedroom while Clarke does the last dish of the morning.

* * *

The girls and Jake all say goodbye in front of the apartment building. Lexa is taking Jake to pre-school then work. Clarke is taking Costia and Anya to elementary school and then dropping Roa off at the day care close to the gallery.  
  
_"Be good, okay?"_ Clarke gives her son a bear hug on the sidewalk. _"And take care of her. She'll probably cry more than you."_ She whispers into his ear and Jake giggles.  
  
Lexa kisses the girls. Clarke kisses her son goodbye prior to tenderly kissing her wife on the lips whispering a handful of encouraging words against them and off Jake goes to commence his academic career.

* * *

Lexa and Jake chat as they walk past the playground, into the main building, down the long hallway, and up to the door that was marked " _Kindergarten #3 - Ms. Gaia"._    
  
Indra had talked to some of her contacts and gotten Jake's name moved up on the admissions waitlist for one of the preeminent pre-schools in the city. Much to everyone's delight, he had coincidentally then ended up being assigned to Indra's daughter. It was the only thing that made Lexa feel slightly better about this whole schooling situation.  
  
Jake and Lexa stand to the side of the door while parents and children pour in and out of the classroom. Lexa kneels down to his eye level.  
  
_"Are you okay?"_  
  
Jake hesitantly nods.  
  
_"There's a lot of other new friends here that you can play with."_  
  
Lexa fidgets with the bowtie trying to keep herself focused on something so she doesn't cry in front of the sea of parents around her.  
  
_"You're going to be okay. I know it'll be hard to be without your sisters or your mom and I, but you'll make friends and you'll have so much fun."_  
  
At this point Lexa wasn't sure if she was working on convincing the five year old or herself. Jake rams forward and wraps his arms around Lexa. Firmly. Very tight. Lexa embraces him in return even though her arms end up going around the book bag hanging from his back. Lexa still does her best to comfort him.  
  
_"Do you want me to stay?"_  
  
The school knew how difficult these transitions would be so they gave the parents the option to stick around even after classes had started for the first week to help the children adjust. Lexa hadn't planned on staying. She actually had a pretty packed day of prepping for a trial that started next week, but she couldn't imagine leaving Jake alone if he didn't want her to.  
  
_"Jay, I can stay if you want me to."_  
  
Lexa pulls him away from her body so she can look into eyes that were eerily identical to hers. Jake avoids her gaze and shakes his head timidly.  
  
_"I'm a big boy. I'm brave. I'm not scared."_  
  
Jake tried to sound as confident as he could. Lexa could see past the words and the steely look he forced on his face though. She could see he **_was_ ** scared and she suddenly remembers being a five year old sitting alone in a cave while Anya went back to their trailer to get them blankets because her mother was dead and they were trying not to be taken away. She remembers being five and terrified. She recalls telling herself she was brave because she knew she didn't have anyone to do it for her. Lexa knew she had to convince herself that she shouldn't be afraid because there was not going to be anyone there to show her how not to be. Lexa was five and had no one to count on. She didn't want that for Jake. She needed her son to know that even if he was frightened that his mother was always going to be right there. Next to him. No matter what.  
  
_"You want to know a secret?"_  
  
Lexa whispers. Jake looks at her and nods.  
  
_"I am scared."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You are?"_  
  
Jake asks shyly.  
  
_"Being scared is okay Jay. Especially on important days like today. It's normal and even big boys and mommas feel it. Do you mind if I stay even if it’s just for a little bit? You can kick me out later if you want to be alone with your teacher and your friends. I want to stay until I'm not scared anymore, but only if that's okay with you."_  
  
Jake nods energetically.  
  
_"Yes! You can stay momma."_  
  
Jake smiles wide at Lexa and wraps his baby hands around a few of Lexa’s finger pulling her into the classroom.

* * *

Lexa looks at the tiny brightly colored desks with tiny brightly colored chairs and knows this is going to be terrible for her lousy back, but she's willing to put herself through it if it means Jake knows he has a safety net to fall back on. She pulls out one of the small chairs in the desk that he chooses near the back of the room and sits. She grabs her phone and types a quick text to Indra explaining why she needs to take a day off knowing her boss would understand completely.  
  
Jake begins to unpack his bag and a little girl joins them at the table.  
  
_"Hi!"_  
  
The peppy girl with dirty blonde hair says.  
  
_"Hello."_  
  
Jake replies shyly.  
  
_"I'm Bree."_  
  
_"I’m Jacob Wells Griffin-Woods."_  
  
Lexa laughs. For some reason Jake decided that whenever he introduced himself to anyone he had to give them his full name.  
  
_"It’s okay to just tell people that your name is Jake."_  
  
Lexa figured one more reminder might not hurt.  
  
_"Do you like to play Jake?"_  
  
Jake nods.  
  
_"I like to play too. Maybe we can play together later."_  
  
Jake nods again and continues to pull things out of his bag while Bree runs to introduce herself to someone else.  
  
_"You got a talker."_  
  
Lexa hears the sarcastic words coming from her left as another adult body sits next to her.  
  
_"He's a little..."_ Lexa takes in the face looking back at her and tries to place it. _"...shy."_  
  
_"Bree is anything but."_ The woman extends her hand. _"I’m sure you don't remember me. It's been a while. I remember though. You have one of those faces one can't easily forget."_  
  
Lexa squints her eyes trying to place her because she's positive she's met this woman before.  
  
_"Gina. We met at..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The show. You gave me Lagavulin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You do remember."_  
  
Gina smiles pleased.  
  
_"It was a memorable night."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He looks exactly like you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's the only one who does."_  
  
_"You got more than one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Four."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wow! You really went for it, didn’t you?"_  
  
Gina sounds shocked and more than slightly impressed. Lexa laughs at her facial expression.  
  
_"We did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Still married to the gorgeous painter?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Luckily, I am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's great. You guys have one of those relationships anyone can tell is meant to last."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Like I said, lucky."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is Bree your only one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One kid and one messy divorce too many. I learned my lesson. No more."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good morning everybody. I'm Ms. Gaia."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I guess that's my cue."_  
  
Gina tells Lexa as she gets up.  
  
_"You're not staying?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nah. She did Pre-K. She's a pro."_  
  
Gina laughs and looks over at her daughter who seems to be commanding a group of five other girls already.  
  
_"Well, maybe I'll see you around."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe."_  
  
Gina smiles at Lexa and walks up to Bree to give her a hug and a goodbye kiss before walking out of the room. A few parents follow the same pattern, but approximately the same number of adults that left stays behind with their child which is comforting for Lexa. She wouldn't mind being the only parent there, but she knows it's probably reassuring for Jake to look around the room and see he's not the only one who needed a little extra support that day.  
  
_"Alright guys, before we get started with all the exciting things we have planned for the day we'll go around and introduce ourselves and say one fun thing we did over the summer."_  
  
Gaia points to one of the kids near the front and the little girl begins talking. That's how they spend the next couple of hours. After that is done they play some games and when they’re all tuckered out Gaia tries to get the kids into the flow of schoolwork.

Lexa asks Jake if he wants her to leave a few times, but the answer never changes and faster than expected the school day comes to an end.

* * *

Lexa and Jake sit on one of the benches at the crowded park a few blocks away from his school. They each have the tail end of an ice cream cone in hand. Lexa eats her efficiently, Jake not so much.  
  
_"If you get it all over yourself your mom is going to know and I'm the one who's going to get in trouble."_  
  
Lexa dutifully wipes his hands and face to keep more of the melted cream from dripping on his shirt.  
  
_"Momma..."_  
  
Lexa hums acknowledging him.  
  
_"Thank you for being brave with me today."_  
  
Jake tells her casually and Lexa feels her heart swelling. She leans in to kiss the top of his head.  
  
_"Any time bud."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think I can stay alone tomorrow."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You think so?"_  
  
Jake nods.  
  
_"It's not as scary as I thought. Ms. Gaia is nice and very pretty."_  
  
Lexa laughs. Of course Jake likes pretty girls. He is just like her after all.  
  
_"She really is."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You and mommy are prettier though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's sweet baby. Thank you"_  
  
Lexa puts the last bite of her cone in her mouth and wipes her hands with the single remaining unwrinkled napkin she had. Jake lifts his cone to her face offering it to her.  
  
_"You can finish it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want no more."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Any more Jake. You don't want any more."_  
  
Lexa corrects him sweetly.  
  
_"Yeah, I don't want any more."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you sure?"_  
  
Jake nods and Lexa takes the ice cream from his hands and figures she might as well eat it.  
  
_"Here."_  
  
Lexa offers him the ball of napkins she was holding so he can wipe his face while she devours the last quarter of his cone. Once she's done and he's all clean Lexa stands.  
  
_"Want to go surprise mommy at work? We can pick up the girls and then maybe we can all go out to lunch."_  
  
Jake takes off running like he always does whenever they were trying to make him leave the park, the playground, the pool, grandma's house, or anywhere in particular where he didn't exactly feel like leaving. He did eventually listen, but he made Lexa and Clarke work for it first.  
  
_"Jake don't make me run in Oxfords."_  
  
Lexa whines but two seconds later takes after him anyway with her messenger bag and his backpack securely held in her left hand. The little boy giggles when he sees his mother chase after him.  
  
Jake and Lexa run through the park laughing at the top of their lungs for the next half an hour. They run until they’re both sweaty and exhausted. They run until their clothes are covered in grass stains from tripping and falling.

The entire time they’re running Lexa lets Jake believe he has the advantage and allows him to put distance between them every time she's about to catch him. Eventually the roles reverse and he's the one trying to catch her. Lexa give Jake the illusion that he is on the verge of grabbing her once or twice, but she speeds up and gets away at the last second. That always made him laugh the hardest.  
  
As Jake got older and started playing sports he naturally got faster. When that happened Lexa didn't have to fake this anymore. Jake was able to elude or catch Lexa quite often because as his legs grew longer and stronger he was easily becoming equally as speedy as Lexa.

As Jake grew up this is what a lot of their afternoons alone entailed. They'd leave baseball practice, they’d get ice cream, they’d chat, and they’d chase each other through the park evading people and vendors when they got in their way. This meant that years down the line every time Lexa had to walk through or drive by Central Park near the spot close to their apartment where they'd always go after little league or where they'd sneak out to play on evenings after he was done with homework, Lexa genuinely feels like she's dying on that garage floor all over again.  
  
Through the years Lexa and Jake developed infinite amount of routines and discovered many favorite places. Those habits and those locations became Lexa's dearest things. When Jake was alive New York felt more like home than it had ever before. After Jake unexpectedly dies Lexa comes to hate the city she had once so deeply adored because now almost every corner of it holds a vivid memory of Jake. Lexa can see flashes of what they did or hears echoes of his laugh everyplace. Jake was no longer alive, but he still haunts his mother and suddenly Lexa can't even walk around her own town without being confronted with all the things she's missing out on with that silly kid of hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	20. February 2031

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a real beast. Longest chapter yet. 13,129 words. My chapters are usually 6-7k, so you're literally getting a 2 for 1 deal on chapter 20. Enjoy :)
> 
> This also passed 1300 kudos today so thank you so much to everyone who is reading and letting me know you're enjoying it. It certainly makes the writing worth it. It also kind of encourages quicker chapters. ;)
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**February 2031**

Lexa lays on the nook by the bay window in the room that she now found herself calling her home. She stares out the glass at the expansive, snow-covered, open field that sat next to the old wooden house. There was a perfectly good bed a few feet away, but this is where she had decided to sleep for the last few months. Lexa had taken a liking to watching the sun rise in the distance over the still and silent hills that decorated the landscape. Every morning, as she watched this picture unfold, Lexa found herself thinking how life upstate was very different than life in the city. Lexa had never lived anywhere this small and calm before. It really did take a lot of getting used to after the chaotic pace she grew accustomed to.  
  
Lexa looks at the pink and orange sky contemplating the last few months. Her first Christmas alone in the twenty one years since she had known Clarke had been grueling. It was the first big event to transpire after the fog that clouded Lexa’s judgement since the shooting lifted. Lexa could see what the last two and half years had been for everyone around her and she was ashamed. She was disconcerted to step outside her body and see who she had become. Lexa was nothing short of disgusted when she took note of who she had been to and for the people she loved the most. That person, that rotten version of her, had cost Lexa everything she had ever wanted and she found herself alone in an empty apartment for both Christmas and New Year’s Eve because Anya and Raven had places to be and things to celebrate. Places that Lexa wasn’t invited to, things she wasn’t a part of because her family would most definitely be there and Lexa was no longer welcome around them. Those festive nights where Lexa sat companionless in the living room of Anya’s house while all around her she could hear families cheer and laugh forced Lexa to think. She spent hours going over what she had done and even longer trying to come up with ways to fix it. Ultimately, Lexa came to the conclusion that she had brought the loneliness she was feeling on herself and she was the only one who could mend it. No one but her could find a way to get her family back and that’s what she was determined to do.  
  
Lexa had every intention of repairing the things she had splintered over the last two and a half years and she figured the easiest place to start was her sister seeing as she was the one Lexa got to interact with on a daily basis, but after about three weeks of living with Anya (and Raven apparently), she couldn't take it anymore. Lexa understood that her sister was bent out of shape after what happened, but she wasn't even giving Lexa the opportunity to explain. Any time Anya had off work she would spend with Raven. More than once Lexa was inclined to believe that Anya was actively avoiding being alone with her. Before long Lexa realized that her presence made things tense for all of them and eventually evading was replaced by confrontations which lead to more than enough arguments with Anya. Lexa quickly came to comprehend this was the last place she should be if she was not only trying to salvage her relationship with her sister but also if she was trying to get better. Living with her older sister was enjoyable when she was seventeen, but it became considerably harder at forty one. That house wasn't big enough for two - let alone three - stubborn and opinionated adults very set in their ways.  
  
After one of their regular visits to the bar following the group meetings for grieving parents, Lexa casually mentioned to Gustus she was looking online to find a place to stay but that given New York's permanently skyrocketing rent prices there was nothing that was affordable but wasn't also a piece of shit. She couldn't justify the expense to get a place on her own and she was too old to have roommates in her twenties which was all she was coming across on the listings. Needless to say, Lexa's situation was complicated.  
  
Much to Lexa’s surprise, Gustus offered to open up his bungalow without any hesitation. Gustus had two empty rooms that no one had been in for years so it wouldn’t be any sort of inconvenience to have Lexa stay over. He lived two hours from the city in a small town just outside Poughkeepsie meaning the arrangements wouldn’t be exactly glamorous, but if Lexa wanted to come reside with him she was more than welcome to.  
  
Lexa knew two hours away was a lot. Everything she knew was in the city. Costia's grave was in the city. Her therapist was in the city. Her friends and family were in the city, but Clarke had kept her away from the children since Lexa...since they separated. Lexa wasn't seeing them regularly anyway and she knew that the best way to make Clarke trust her around them again was to get better. Gustus and groups were her best bet at that currently. Weighing her situation and options, Lexa agreed to stay with him until she figured out something more convenient. That night she took the train back to Anya’s, packed a bag, and returned upstate. Lexa left most of her stuff at Anya's only taking the essentials and headed for Gustus' planning only to be there for maybe a week. At most.  
  
That was close to two months ago.

Lexa had now set into a routine. Every morning she would check in with Clarke via text. Lexa would let Clarke know what her plans were for the day, she would ask about the kids, and she would remind Clarke she loved her before wishing her a good day. Clarke would always reply dryly. Lexa would only get the basic, most concise information about the girls and Aden. As much as the apathy hurt her, Lexa knew she had to give Clarke time. She understood why Clarke was upset. This was all Lexa's doing. Clarke had been patient with her. It was Lexa's turn to wait for the ice to thaw.  
  
Lexa's alarm blares. She doesn't know why she still sets it. It's been years since she's needed one. She's always awake by the time it goes off anyway.  
  
Lexa doesn't sleep much. That hasn't changed. When she does it's thanks to pills and even then whatever rest she could have gotten is interrupted by nightmares. She dreams of Jake every night. She dreams of that cold and grey garage. She dreams of the deafening sounds. She dreams of his thick, warm blood splashing against her skin. She dreams of his face twisting, decomposing, and transforming into the most grotesque things. Some rare days when Lexa is too exhausted and she takes more than the recommended amount of sleeping pills in an attempt to give her body a much needed break, she wakes up the next day feeling recovered and somewhat refreshed. On those infrequent mornings, for a flashing instant Lexa thinks reality was still part of the nightmares. For a second after Lexa wakes up she believes everything is okay, but then she moves in a certain way and something aches or her hands happens to graze over one of many bumpy scars that night left behind all across her body and the fantasy disintegrates. Lexa is yanked back to reality. Back to a world where she watched her eight year old son be murdered and he is now rotting on the ground. Once that happens each of those mornings become the worst morning of Lexa's life because for an instant she got a break from the pain but when she’s forced to confront reality again it hurts infinitely as much. She gets the opportunity to feel how she did the last morning Jake was alive only to have it shatter anew in front of her for the thousandth time. That cycle of blissful confusion followed by heartbreaking realization repeats often for the rest of her life. At first Lexa dreaded it, but now that she has eventually learned to deal with the disappointment, Lexa actually looks forward to those handful of second where she doesn't feel like swallowing an additional bullet.  
  
Lexa shakes those thoughts off her head and picks up her phone to text Clarke.  
  
**TEXT:** _"Good morning. I'm doing a half day with Gustus today then taking the 1PM train. The appointment is at 3:30. I should be there right around that time. Did everyone sleep okay? Please kiss them for me. I love you more than you could believe. I can't wait to see you."_ _  
_  
Once the text is sent Lexa begrudgingly rolls off the thin mattress and starts her day.

* * *

Lexa steps out of the shower and into the steam filled bathroom. She checks her phone to find Clarke has replied.  
  
**Husband:** _"Ok. Everyone slept well for the most part. Aden wanted to be fed three times last night. Roa woke up earlier than usual and is pretending she has a stomach ache to not go to school again. Be safe."_ _  
_  
Lexa exhales loudly trying not to dwell too much on the amount of things she's missing. Particularly with Aden. Lexa has now been absent for a third of the nine months her son has been alive. She knows full well how quickly this stage flies by and she is sure he was their last baby, so it really pains her to not be there for some really important milestones. Lexa is hurting but she is also aware that if she wants to be a part of his life, the girls' lives, and Clarke's life in the future this is what needs to happen at the moment.  
  
Lexa wipes the condensation off the mirror and stares at the reflection of her naked body. She immediately begins taking inventory of the scars. It's a habit now. Eleven. There’s the dark burn on the right side of her torso that she got when she was ten and stood too close to a radiator trying to stay warm at a house that didn’t have any heating during a gelid winter. There’s her appendectomy scar. Then there’s the nine that never let her forget the worst moment of her life. She got shot nine times. The one that went through her left clavicle. The one that burst clean through her sixth rib and collapsed her right lung. The one that destroyed her spleen. The one that went through her sternum and out her back. The one that shattered her left radius and ulna. The one that cost her a quarter of her liver. The one that left her with metal rods in lieu of a right humerus. The one that punctured her radial artery. The one that pierced her stomach and triggered the internal bleeding that almost killed her. Lexa was hit by nine bullets and lived. Jake got shot seven times and died. Lexa unfailingly found that unfair. It ate her up inside.  
  
Once Lexa is done scanning her body, her eyes fixate on her face. When did she get so old? She doesn't recognize whoever this is. She wouldn't believe she was looking at herself if it wasn't for her eyes.  
  
The girls all had blue eyes. They always looked more like Clarke than her, but Jake...those eyes staring back at her were Jake's eyes. Lexa never understood why and after he died she came to resent the fact that they looked so alike because every time she looked in a mirror she saw him.

A few days after Jake was born and his eyes weren't swollen and puffy anymore they could tell who he was really going to take after. Lexa remembers holding him the first time he properly opened his eyes. She remembers looking into them and somehow seeing herself. Lexa vividly recalls it being three in the morning and being in bed next to her equally exhausted wife. They both stared at the newborn in Lexa's arms. Lexa looked into his eyes and became a snotty, sobbing mess.  
  
_"He's going to have green eyes, Clarke. Like mine."_  
  
Lexa was tremendously excited by the idea. That was probably the instant she fell profoundly and head over heels in love with that little boy.

Now that he's dead every time Lexa looks at herself in the mirror she can't help but relive that moment because those eyes aren't hers anymore. They're Jake's eyes. They're a permanent reminder of what she lost. A reminder she can do her best to live with, but one that she can never run away from.  
  
Lexa looks away before long. There's only so much time she can spend looking at her reflection without her brain flooding with memories that are quickly drowned out by an overwhelming guilt. Lexa quickly brushes her hair before braiding it and getting dressed.

* * *

Lexa walks into the homely, simple kitchen to find Gustus with an empty plate across from him and sipping on the last of his lukewarm coffee. A plate brimming with food rests on what has become her spot at the six person table. A table that no one but the two of them has ever sat on for years.  
  
_"You slept in today."_  
  
Gustus doesn't look up from his phone.  
  
_"I've been up since before you were."_  
  
_"How come I'm ready before you then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The water was nice...and my hair was too tangled. Sometimes I wish I had handmaidens to deal with it."_  
  
Gustus bellows his iconic laugh.  
  
_"Handmaidens? What are you a feudal lord in medieval times?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm just saying. It would make my mornings easier."_  
  
Gustus continues to laugh earnestly. When he doesn't stop Lexa talks again.  
  
_"Shut up."_  
  
Her face only makes Gustus guffaw harder making him almost choke on the sip of coffee he made the mistake to take. Lexa sits across from him and begins to eat.  
  
Gustus and Lexa has quickly developed an uncomplicated relationship. Even though their personalities were nothing alike, their shared experiences bonded them together. They became each other's sounding board and support system. Whatever they had quickly waded into sibling like territory.  
  
_"Are you going to laugh at me all morning?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're funny, kid."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't make a joke. It was an observation."_  
  
Gustus laughs again.  
  
_"You're_ **sure** _you were married and had friends? I'm starting to doubt it. When do I get to meet these people. I have so many questions."_  
  
Gustus teases her and Lexa grouses.  
  
_"Screw you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sorry, you don't carry the kind of package I enjoy.”_ Gustus cackles when the night they meet pops into his mind. _“Remember when you thought I was straight? Remember when you thought I may have wanted to sleep with you like everyone in that room couldn't tell you were gay from a mile away?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It was a valid thing to point out."_  
  
Gustus keeps laughing.  
  
_"You crack me up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not trying to."_  
  
Lexa spits back.  
  
_"That's what makes it even funnier. This is just you being you. It's amazing."_  
  
Lexa mumbles some not so pleasant things to herself before Gustus jumps in again.  
  
_"Your layers look light. It's going to be a cold one today. Don't want you getting sick on me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You need a few more things to keep you warm. Are you wearing the Merino undershirt I got you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I'm fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's going to be in the single digits."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can handle it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You need more layers Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't tell me what to wear."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Technically I'm your boss and it is my responsibility to ensure your safety. If you get hurt on the clock it's on me, so yeah, I can."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I went to one of the best law schools in the world. I'm a New York City First District Attorney and you have me lugging planks of wood between a truck and a pile a few feet away. I could do that on my death bed."_  
  
Gustus told Lexa he was making her work as payment for staying over. That's just what he told her though. He didn't really do it for the money. He had rooms to spare and he appreciated the company. Gustus needed Lexa there just as much a she needed a place to stay. It was never about needing compensation for the room and board. He had other motivations.

Gustus was a contractor. One of the few in this area who worked year round in spite of the temperatures. There was plenty of men looking for work during winter so it wasn't that he was short staffed either. He could've gotten anyone to do the grunt labor Lexa was doing. The reason why Gustus made Lexa an employee for his company was because he saw work as an opportunity to get her out of the house. Lexa stayed home and did nothing but read the first couple of days she lived with him. Gustus decided he needed something to keep Lexa distracted and socializing. She hadn't been around others much the last few years and truth be told, even though she was never good with people to begin with, her interpersonal abilities had atrophied even more since Jake died. She really needed to dust off her social skills. Gustus saw this as an all around win.  
  
_"Good for you, but you really aren't anything hotshot. You haven't been a lawyer in years."_ Gustus gets up taking his coffee mug with him. _"Are you coming or are you going to keep being whiney?"_ _  
_  
Lexa throws her napkin at him before she stands to go to the sink and wash her breakfast dishes and utensils.  
  
_"Don't forget I’m leaving early today. I have to go down to the city to see Dr. Tsing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. That just means I have to work you twice as hard while you're there. Get at least the wool I got you and another layer on before we head out. I'll check."_  
  
Gustus says leaving the room.  
  
_"Ivy League. I went to an Ivy League and now I'm hanging out at a construction site."_  
  
Lexa mumbles to herself while she washes her dishes.

* * *

Clarke lays in bed and stares out the floor-to-ceiling windows of the master bedroom. She peers out the panes onto the snow covered, already bustling city. Clarke was quite aware that she had been watching a lot of - possibly too many - sunrises lately.

Clarke's alarm goes off. She only sets it out of habit now. Ever since Lexa moved out Clarke was always awake by the time it booms anyway.

She doesn't sleep much since Jake died. Not without the help of some heavy duty sleeping medication. The nightmares and Aden make sure of that. It’s mainly the nightmares though. In her dreams Jake is usually trying to run to her or she is trying to sprint to him but they can never reach each other. Jake is distressed. He’s calling for Clarke. He’s fearful and desperate. Clarke can never get to him in time before bullet holes riddle his small body and copious amounts of blood start to pour out of him. Jake sometimes tells Clarke it’s her fault before he collapses on the ground and dies. Those tend to be the worst ones to wake up from.

Despite the nightmares and the newborn Clarke always managed to get _some_ rest but, on top of everything else, she has now been having trouble sleeping because Lexa isn’t in the house. Ever since Lexa left Clarke found nothing could help her get much needed shut eye time. Paradoxically that included her sleeping pills as well. Those wouldn’t do the trick anymore either. Clarke didn't know how to sleep with Lexa so far away.

Life is also certainly more hectic without Lexa here. She didn't really contribute much when she was, but Lexa’s mere presence was calming for Clarke and knowing there’s so much distance between them has thrown Clarke off balance. Not having Lexa be a part of her regular life was taking a lot of getting used to.

While Clarke was packing all of Lexa's things she kept one of her t-shirts. It was one Lexa often wore to bed and that in turn smelled like her. Every night Clarke places the shirt on Lexa's pillow next to the action figure she kept when she packed Jake's room. With those two things on the bed with her she feels less alone. Not only that, but if Clarke rolled over at night the t-shirt would smell like her wife and her brain would at least get the illusion that she was there. Much to her dismay, Clarke can't remember how Jake smelled like anymore. She wouldn't allow herself to also forget how Lexa does as well.

As much as it torments her to keep Lexa at arm’s length, Clarke is aware the separation was needed for everyone's sake. That doesn't mean she can't miss her wife or be concerned about her though. Logically, Clarke knows Lexa is safe. Lexa lets her know as much every day. Lexa tells her she's trying to get better and Clarke believes her. Clarke trusts this is what is best for them and their family right now. She knows she has to be stern with Lexa regardless of how it's killing her because Lexa backed her into a corner. Clarke had no choice but to react and now Lexa has to earn her way back.

Clarke looks at the people below and wonders if their last few months have been as confusing and life altering as hers. Clarke doesn’t know how she’s survived it, but she’s managed a baby without Lexa, a Christmas without Lexa, and a new year without Lexa. There’s very few things Clarke can imagine thinking hurt almost as much as losing a child, but not having Lexa at home on Christmas morning - on their baby boy’s first Christmas morning - probably came close. It wasn’t simply the fact that Lexa wasn’t physically there, it’s what not having her there meant. It meant that the presents under the tree that had her name on it went unopened. It meant that she didn't see the girl’s faces when they unwrapped their gifts. It was the traditions that were interrupted for the first time in twenty one years. Clarke had no one to tell her Christmas wishes to when she woke up that morning. There was no chocolate chip pancakes with Santa’s face drawn on with whipped cream and strawberries. There was no eating breakfast in their pajamas while wearing Santa hats. It tore Clarke apart that on Aden’s first Christmas he never got to experience what that holiday normally looked like in their home. Sure, he was never going to remember it anyway, but she would. Clarke would know and it stung. She felt that her decision to kick Lexa out robbed their son of something precious and that wounded her as gravely as not having Lexa there with them.  
  
When Clarke found out Lexa was moving out of Anya's she nearly took her back. She couldn't believe Anya was prioritizing her fling with Raven over Lexa. Yes, Lexa had fucked up but she was Anya's sister. That should've come first. It should've come before anything. They didn't know this man that Lexa was moving in with two hours away, but Anya was letting it happen and Raven was a willing participant. Needless to say Clarke's relationship with both of them wasn't at its best standing at the moment.  
  
Clarke still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she was a two hour train ride away from Lexa most of the time. Lexa's entire life had been in this city since she was twelve. Lexa was away from everything she knew for the past thirty years and that mortified Clarke. More than anything, it hurt Clarke that Lexa was away from the kids. Clarke felt like it was her fault that they were all missing each other but Clarke simply couldn't trust Lexa around them until she proved she was in a healthier mental place. It pained Clarke that the kids had barely seen Lexa since she...since they separated. Clarke kept telling herself it was for the best right now. Lexa told her this was what she needed to do and Clarke gave her the freedom to do it. Clarke had to tell herself this all just meant they were going to come back stronger than ever.  
  
By now Lexa has been out of the house for close to three months and Clarke had to force herself adjust to the new routine. She would wake up every morning and get everyone ready and out the door on time. The girls understood Clarke needed them to help out if this fresh - and hopefully temporary - setup was going to work out. Even Costia had been better behaved lately meaning mornings weren't _too_ complicated...for the most part.

Somewhere in the middle of the mayhem Clarke would get a text from Lexa. That daily bit of communication is exactly what Clarke needs to get her through the day. It is comforting to know that Lexa is okay and what she will be up to. She adores seeing Lexa show interest in the kids and how they're doing once again. Above anything - and quite greedily - she loves the fact that not one day has passed since the moment Lexa decided she was going to try and find her way back to her old self where Lexa hasn't reminded Clarke of how much she loves her. After hearing it probably only a handful of times in two and a half years the daily expressions of affection are a welcomed change. After they've gone about their day Lexa also texts Clarke before going to bed and the pattern from the morning repeats. Lexa fills Clarke in on her day, she asks about the kids, and reminds Clarke that she loves her, and that she's doing her best to get back on track. During their fleeting conversations Lexa often apologizes for the things that happened since Jake died. They’re never elaborate. They’re Lexa’s way of apologizing. They’re concise and succinct, but they mean the world to Clarke. Clarke believes the sparse words are sincere which is why it always takes everything in her to not ask Lexa to come home. Clarke has to be cold and brief because the opposite is giving in to her instincts and taking Lexa back when she knows they're not there yet. Maybe soon, but not yet. Clarke had to make sure they were ready to give their marriage a try again because she thought they had one solid shot left. Lexa had used up her chances over the years. They had **_one_ ** more opportunity left and Clarke couldn't risk Lexa ruining it. For all their sakes.

Clarke is jerked from her thoughts when she hears her phone ding. There's only one person who would be texting her this early. Clarke smiles anticipating the three words she will eventually read on her screen.

* * *

Clarke steps out of the tub and into the steam filled washroom. She checks her phone and finds a text from Lexa.  
  
**Lex <3:** _"I hope he didn't keep you up for long. Wish I was there to help. Maybe we should get Ro checked out. It's the third time this week she's said her stomach hurts. Counting down the time to see you. I love you."_  
  
Clarke puts down the phone without answering. She can't focus on most of that right now. Her dreams were particularly upsetting during what little time she slept the previous night and she’s exhausted. As of right now, Clarke only has the brainpower to get everyone to where they need to be on time. Her feelings about Lexa and particularly her feeling about all that Lexa is missing will have to wait.

Clarke doesn’t have time to think about the fact that Lexa has missed Aden rolling over by himself for the first time, or sitting up for the first time, or hanging on to something and standing for the first time, or crawling for the first time, or what he was doing the first time he mumbled “mama”, or that he hates having clothes on more than anything and that changing his diaper and dressing him has become a real ordeal. Lexa doesn’t know that peek-a-boo is Aden’s favorite thing in the entire world and that it will make him giggle for hours on end. Lexa has no idea that apple sauce and peas are something he never gets tired of eating. Lexa has never heard him say “no” in that fierce way he assumes will get him his way. Lexa is in the dark about the fact that when he doesn’t want something or someone around him he says “bye” to try and make them go away. There’s so much Lexa hasn’t witnessed or is clueless about their own son that when she allows herself to think about it, it brings Clarke to the edge of a breakdown. That is something she doesn’t have the luxury for this morning.

Clarke clears the moisture off the mirror with a towel and stares at her thirty eight year old naked body. She notes how her body has changed since the kids. Everything looks different, but I guess five kids will do that to you. There’s the unmissable stretch marks that she’s learned to embrace over the years but the most glaring thing that pops out to her is The Scar. Not the dozens of little ones scattered through her body that come accompanied with some sort of parenting mishap story. Those are fine. Those are funny. That particular one she focuses on is bone-chilling. It still terrifies her how close she came to dying and even considering that the girls could have gone through that loss on top of Jake's makes her breath hitch. She'd lost a parent and she knows how it feels. Clarke knows it almost destroyed her. She wasn't sure if the girls could've coped with that well at all. Particularly Costia. Her mind starts to drift to things she has no time to dwell on and Clarke forces her thoughts to change course.  
  
Clarke moves on from her body, and suddenly her eyes regard her face. When did she get this decrepit? This is probably what “being past one’s prime” looks like. She doesn't recognize whoever that image in the mirror is. She wouldn't assume that unfamiliar person was someone she knew if it wasn't for the eyes. Those eyes were her kid's eyes. She could pick them out of a crowd of thousands. She may not recognize herself anymore, but she knows that stranger looking back at her is indeed her because in those eyes she can see four of the best things she's ever made. Every time Clarke looks at herself in the mirror now she can't help but think of them. Those eyes aren't hers anymore. They're Costia. They're Anya. They're Roa. They're Aden. They're a permanent reminder of her story with Lexa and the beautiful life and wonderful little humans they made together. Those eyes are a reminder that no matter where her path took her, there were things Clarke would never be able to run away from and Lexa was one of them. Lexa was inexorable and indelible to Clarke.  
  
Clarke closes those same eyes and steadies herself. There's only so much time she can spend looking at that mirror without her brain flooding with memories that are quickly drowned out by overwhelming longing because the things that stared back at Clarke weren’t always melancholic. Clarke can often see a younger version of her and Lexa in this mirror. She remembers Lexa walking up behind her and running those long fingers across her skin. Clarke can feel Lexa’s lips on her shoulders. On her back. Clarke can reminisce the amount of times that being in front of this mirror made them tardy for work or a dinner or whatever random place Lexa’s wandering hands coerced them into arrive fashionably late to. This mirror makes Clarke ache for the better days they had. Whenever she looked into it Clarke found herself hankering for a wife she didn't know if she was ever going to fully get back. Yearning for the happier version of herself she craved to be once more. **_God_** , why does her mind keep doing this to her? Clarke really doesn’t have time for any of this. She hastily quells those unwelcomed emotions and quickly brushes her hair before braiding it and getting dressed.

* * *

Clarke’s drifting mind had put her behind schedule. She should have started breakfast fifteen minutes ago. She rushes towards the kitchen expecting to get everything set, but as she gets closer to it she can hear clattering coming from inside as someone moves around the space. Clarke walks in to find soon to be fourteen year old Anya hovering over the stove with four half filled plates already laid out on the counter.

_“Nana. What are you doing?”_

Clarke asks taken aback.

_“I wasn’t sure if you’d slept in. I wanted to help.”_

Clarke’s heart swells. Anya has always been the responsible one. She’s the one they’ve never had to worry about. Anya can look after herself and in the past few years she often ends up taking care of the others when Clarke drops the ball. Clarke walks up to her daughter and kisses the side of her head tenderly.

_“Thank you baby. That’s so nice. I appreciate it.”_

_“Cos is in the shower. Aden was keeping himself busy in his crib so I just left him. Roa is already dressed, but she laid back down. She’s saying her stomach hurts.”_

_"I know. She came to my room early this morning. She’s trying to get out of going to school again.”_

Anya had an inkling that this wasn’t the case, but she didn’t bring it up. Clarke pours herself a mug of coffee and savors it. She absolutely needs the caffeine this morning. The bacon in the pan starts to render and the aroma envelops the kitchen.

_“That smells so good Nana.”_

_“I put butter in like mom used to do.”_

_“If you knew how healthy your mom ate before I dragged her down with me you’d never believe she would learn to fry bacon with butter.”_

Anya laughs.

_“I’m glad you saved us then.”_

Clarke laughs.

_“You’re ready for your Trig test, right?”_

_“Yeah. I made more flashcards before bed last night. I should be good.”_

Clarke was about to praise Anya for how dutiful she was with her schoolwork when fifteen year old Costia walks into the kitchen with damp hair flowing over her shoulder.

_“No offense mom, but I vote Nana always makes breakfast from now on. Bacon and eggs always beats cereal.”_

_“Why don’t you wake up early and make your own breakfast every morning? That would beat complaining.”_

_“Nah, I’m good.”_

Costia opens the fridge to pour herself some juice.

_“Exactly. You don’t get a say in what’s for breakfast then. We have to be out the door in half an hour. Eat.”_

Clarke kisses Costia’s head before walking out of the kitchen and heading for the nursery to deal with Aden. Costia walks over and pulls one of the plates that rested on the counter towards her. She starts picking off it with her fingers. Anya groans, walks to the cutlery drawer, and slams a fork next to Costia’s hand.

_“Savage.”_

Costia laughs and walks over to Anya wrapping her up in a bear hug. Anya is scrawny like Lexa and Costia was more voluptuous like Clarke meaning she had no problem manhandling Anya if she ever felt like it which she certainly did at the moment. Costia picks her sister up from the floor.

_“Is this savage enough for you?”_

Anya hollers.

_“Ok. No. Put me down!”_

Costia drops her the short distance to the floor and Anya shoves her.

_“Thank you for breakfast loser.”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Did you see Ro?”_

Costia shoves a mouthful of eggs in her mouth and replies while chewing.

_“No. Is she up?”_

_“You’re gross. And yeah. She crawled into my bed this morning. She said your door was locked again. Mom would kill you dead if she knew you had Art over by the way. Stop giving her reasons to ground you.”_

Costia looks at her confused. How could Anya know she had sneaked her seventeen year old boyfriend in?

_“You’re not as quiet as you think you are. You’re just lucky mom hasn’t been paying attention lately.”_

_“Whatever. You’re not going to snitch so we’re fine.”_

_“We don’t need any more drama around her Cos. You can always go see him at the ice cream shop. Why do you need to sneak him into the house?”_

_“There’s no beds at the store.”_

A mischievous smile creeps on Costia’s face.

_“Ew…you’re not having sex w…”_

Costia shushes her.

 _“Shhhh!”_ She looks behind her to make sure Clarke isn’t there. _“No. We haven’t. Not yet. Soon though. I want to.”_

_“Can you at least talk to mom about it first? She can get you birth control or something.”_

_“You are such a loser. I’m not talking to mom about it. She would freak. I’ll fig…”_

Clarke’s heels echo down the hallway. Costia immediately changes topics.

_“Anyway...yeah. Mr. Rothenberg sucks. I hate that class. Don’t ever take it.”_

Clarke walks into the kitchen and Aden squeals when he sees his sisters.

_“Too loud.”_

Costia grumbles at the noisy boy.

_“Remember you guys are coming home to Susan today. I have an appointment at three thirty. Will probably be home around six or seven. If I’m any later than that, get takeout for dinner.”_

_“Cool.”_

Costia cleans her plate while she waits for the bacon to finish cooking.

_“I’m going to get Ro. Once that’s done leave the pans in the sink Nana. I’ll deal with them tonight. You guys need to start wrapping it up. We have to leave soon.”_

Clarke leaves the kitchen then doubles back casually popping nothing but her head into the room.

_“By the way Cos...we’re having a conversation about this whole 'sneaking boys into the house' thing when I get home later.”_

Costia chokes on the juice she was sipping on and glares at Anya.

_“Oh, don’t worry. I knew before I heard you guys talking. I just didn’t want to cause a scene last night.”_

Clarke walks out nonchalantly.

_“Oh fuck.”_

Costia knots her brow and tells her sister.

_“Watch that mouth Costia.”_

Clarke screams from somewhere down the hall.

_“How does she do that?!”_

Costia mumbles at Anya.

_“It’s called “mom hearing”. Go brush your teeth!”_

Clarke replies from even further away knowing full well that wasn’t meant for her but also getting a small sense of enjoyment out of torturing her teenager. Costia groans.

_“What the fuck?!”_

Costia mouths at Anya not wanting to risk Clarke hearing that too. Anya laughs loudly.

_“You’re so screwed.”_

Anya continues to chuckle as she serves Costia some of the crispy bacon. The rest of their day should certainly be interesting.

* * *

When Lexa walks into the upscale waiting room adjacent the equally slick vestibule of Dr. Lorelei Tsing's office, Clarke was already there. Lexa could tell Clarke had been working at the gallery that day because she looked...whatever came after jaw-dropping. She was wearing a cobalt blue shirt with a portrait neckline tucked inside a curve hugging kelly green pencil skirt and metallic silver ankle strap heels. The front part of her hair was held back in three intricate braids and the rest was loose and hanging over her shoulder. Clarke looked like someone people would throw punches over at a bar and Lexa was wearing dirty jeans, work boots, and fifty layers too many while smelling like she had been doing manual labor all day. Which she had. Suddenly Lexa wants to run and hide. This isn't her most impressive look. This isn't how she wants Clarke to see her after not doing so for over two weeks. Before she has a chance to walk out and at least run to a bathroom and wipe herself down, Clarke's lifts her eyes from her phone and spots Lexa. She's been caught. Not much Lexa can do now but own her grunge chic look.

Lexa smiles weakly at Clarke and fully steps into the office. She nods at the secretary as she walks past her and heads for the seat that Clarke's purse occupies. Clarke catches on and moves her purse onto her lap leaving the seat for Lexa.  
  
_"Hey."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I barely made it. Train was running late."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's fine. I only got here about five minutes ago."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Good."_  
  
They both sit in silence before Lexa speaks again.  
  
_"You look beautiful Clarke."_  
  
Clarke smiles at her.  
  
_"Thank you. You look good too."_  
  
Lexa scoffs.  
  
_"You're a liar."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not. You do. I never thought you'd be the construction worker type, but maybe law was the wrong decision."_  
  
Unless Lexa is imagining it, that statement definitely had a subtle hint of flirtation. They both laugh now. Right at that moment Dr. Tsing's patient walks out wiping his face with balled up tissue. Dr. Tsing sees him off before turning to them.  
  
_"Lexa, good to see you.”_ The Indian woman says pleasantly before turning to Clarke. _“You must be Clarke. I'm glad you could make it. Come on in."_ _  
_  
Dr. Tsing points into the office. Lexa gets up first and walks the common path inside. Clarke follows. Dr. Tsing closes the door behind the three of them.

Here goes nothing.

* * *

Dr. Tsing’s office was lined with books and certifications. The walls that didn’t have bookshelves were filled with paintings Clarke could only label as tasteless. She was hoping the doctor was a better psychiatrist than she was an art connoisseur. Clarke and Lexa end up on opposite ends of the grey couch. Dr. Tsing sits across from them on her chair before pulling the notepad that rested on her coffee table onto her lap and flipping to a new page.  
  
_"Clarke...do you mind if I call you Clarke?"_

The doctor decides to check on Clarke’s comfort level before proceeding.

 _"Not at all."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. We'll, Clarke, I’m not sure how much you know as to why you're here but I'm going to fill you in just so the three of us are confident that we’re on the same page. I'm Dr. Lorelei Tsing. I'm a clinical psychiatrist and I specialize in loss, grief, and bereavement. Lexa has been my patience since January and we see each other twice a week. Once for an hour and once for two hours. This is our two hour session. Lexa has filled me in on what has happened the past few years and we are working on her recovery. I believe she has made significant progress and we both felt that it was time we brought you into this process because family and partners are a big part of treatment. I want to thank you for agreeing and taking the time to be here supporting her even though it is my understanding that the two of you are currently separated.”_ Dr. Tsing pauses to asses the situation so far. _“Before we get any further is there anything either of you want to say?"_  
  
Dr. Tsing surveys both of them. Clarke and Lexa look at each other. Lexa hesitates a few times but Clarke beats her to it.  
  
_"I'm proud of you. For this. For getting help. For wanting better for yourself. Even if we never find a way back, at the end of the day all I want is for you to be okay. I'm glad you're doing this."_

Clarke never takes her eyes off Lexa. _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa, do you have anything to say to that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhm...yeah. I guess. I...uhm. I'm doing it for myself, true, but ultimately what I want is to get you back. To get_ **us** _back. To get my family back."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is that something you could see yourself being interested in Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes. I am. I want that. But I have to be sure she's in a good place before that is a serious thing we consider."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That seems fair. Do you agree Lexa?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Ok. Before you guys get there I think we need to open the lines of communication. From what I gather that has been a recurring problem since the loss of your son. This only works if everyone is honest and I request that we try our best to do so. I have a question for you Clarke, from the moment Jake died and up until today how have you felt? In general would be fine, but in particular in regards to Lexa and how everything has unfolded between the two of you and within your family. It would help both me and Lexa understand the things that need to be addressed moving forward and for a possible reconciliation to be considered."_  
  
Clarke sits in silence for over a minute. She ponders her answer carefully before she speaks.  
  
_"Abandoned. I felt alone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How does hearing that make you feel Lexa?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I...she...I..."_  
  
Lexa grows quiet again.  
  
_"Is it hard to express how Clarke's feelings make you feel?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Can you at least attempt to let her know what that is?"_

Lexa takes some time to collect her thoughts.  
  
_"I didn't know how to be there. I didn't know how to do or be anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's good. That's a start. Anything else you'd like to share with her Lexa?"_

Lexa sits in silence again. Clarke looks at her. Lexa lifts her eyes from her lap to meet Clarke’s eyes and when Clarke smiles at her Lexa feels encouraged.

 _"I want her to know that I'm sorry. For all of it. For taking the case. For bringing Jake that day. For...for...abandoning her."_  
  
Tears instantly run down Clarke’s face.  
  
_"How does that make you feel Clarke? Obviously it makes you feel something. Do you believe Lexa is being sincere?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do. I know she never meant for any of this to happen. It's not her fault. At least not Jake."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's very mature of you Clarke. A lot of marriages I see fail do so because more often than not spouses blame each other for the loss. Assigning blame is less complicated than acceptance. It's very good that you don't see Lexa as the person responsible for what happened. It means you're ahead of the rest already."_  
  
They both sit in silence. The doctor speaks again.  
  
_"Lexa, I know you and I have discussed this privately before, but I think it's important that Clarke hears this too. Do you feel responsible for your son dying?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Can you tell Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do. I feel responsible."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is there anything you'd like to tell her in regards to that Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, it wasn't you. You didn't pull the trigger. You didn't decide that killing someone was the best choice to deal with a problem. They did. They're the ones to blame. Jake was just at the wrong place and the wrong time. If he hadn't been there maybe...you could've died alone and I don't..."_  
  
Clarke gets choked up.  
  
_"Is it difficult for you to think about the possibility of Lexa dying that day, Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The idea of it makes me want to be physically sick. Jake dying taught me that I could honestly survive almost anything, but that's the one thing I don't think I could. I can't lose her."_ Clarke turns to look at Lexa. _"Not you. I_ **need** _you."_  
  
_"Do you want to say anything to that Lexa? What crosses your mind when you hear those words?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why sad?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because...she needed me and I wasn't there."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you think you could be there now if Clarke decided it was okay for you to come back and be an active part of the family?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I would."_ Lexa tells Dr. Tsing and then turns to Clarke to tell her directly. _"I would. I'm willing to do anything to show you I can be there for you and for them."_

Clarke feels air seep into her lungs for what feels like the first time in years. Those words coming from Lexa change everything. _  
_  
They spend the next hour and thirty seven minutes talking about their feelings. Lexa doesn't say much at first but hearing Clarke open up about what Lexa has put her through the last few years breaks Lexa’s heart in a way she never knew it could before.

Lexa knew Clarke was in pain. Of course she was. But they never talked about it so she didn't **_Know_**. Not how much. Not until now. Lexa never truly understood it until she saw Clarke break down on that couch that first day of couple’s therapy and every subsequent appointment after that. So Lexa talks. Not much and definitely not unprompted, but she tries her best to answer whatever questions the therapist or Clarke ask her in the two hour-long sessions they get every week.

They come out of that initial appointment feeling like they’re making **_some_ ** progress. After years of stagnation it felt slow, almost frustratingly so, but they are.

* * *

  
Clarke and Lexa exit the glass office building. Lexa mumbles what Clarke gathers is a goodbye and promptly walks in the opposite direction.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
She turns.  
  
_"Do you want to come see them? They miss you. I can...I can make dinner."_  
  
Clarke hesitates. Lexa nods and walks back towards Clarke. They walk to the train in silence. Their hands brush every few seconds. After about two and a half blocks, Clarke boldly moves to hold Lexa's hand. It takes Lexa aback at first. She looks at Clarke who looks ahead trying not to make a big deal out of the situation and Lexa relaxes. Seconds later she reciprocates Clarke’s action and intertwines their fingers together.

Maybe they can actually be okay after all.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa ride the elevator up to their apartment with their hands still connected. Lexa missed this. The casual intimacy was something that made her insides warm even in the biting winter.  
  
The elevator dings as it works it way up through floors.  
  
_"Do you mind if I grab some books while I'm here? I’ve reread the same one too many times these past few months."_

Clarke giggles at the absurdity of the question. The elevator door opens and they step outside. _  
_ _  
_ _"They're your books Lexa. Why would I mind?"_  
  
Clarke smiles at her.  
  
_"I don't...just asking."_  
  
They walk down the hallway and towards the apartment in silence. Their hands separate when Clarke has to dig through her purse for the keys. She finally locates them and opens the door.

The old family portrait including Jake has found its way back onto the wall across from the entrance. No matter how many times Lexa took it down since he died Clarke always managed to put it back up somehow.  
  
They can hear the TV in the living room. Susan, an older Asian woman in her fifties, meets them before they get there.  
  
_"Hi."_  
  
Nine month old Aden lunges for Clarke the moment he sees her and she manages to catch him.  
  
_"I just fed him. He’s had so much food today. Don’t let him trick you into thinking he needs any more. Costia is in her room. She's in a mood, but I at least got her to start on her homework. Anya and Roa are in the living room watching TV."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you Su-Su."_  
  
Clarke passes the baby off to Lexa who looks at her bewildered for a few seconds trying to figure out who she is. When he can’t place her Aden whimpers and immediately does his best to get back in Clarke’s arms. Lexa can't even be offended. She really is a stranger to her own son. Aden reaches desperately for Clarke trying to get her to hold him again but Clarke is busy digging through her purse for cash to give the babysitter.  
  
_"Have a good night."_  
  
The woman pockets the money, grabs her jacket, and heads for the door.  
  
_"Thank you Susan."_  
  
Lexa tells her and Susan smiles in response.

The moment Clarke's hands are free she has to take the fussing baby from Lexa. Lexa tries not to let Aden's rejection eat her up too much.

Lexa walks towards the living room as Clarke sends the babysitter off. The moment Lexa sees the girls, she instantly notices something wrong with Roa. Anya is sitting on the couch with Roa resting her head on her lap. Roa is curled up and judging by the grimace in her face and the way she has her hands resting protectively around her stomach she is obviously in a great deal of pain.  
  
_"Momma!"_  
  
Anya yelps surprised when she sees Lexa. She stands up from the sofa letting Roa's head fall less than gently onto the cushions and rushes over to hug her.  
  
_"Hey baby."_ Lexa kisses her head. _"What's wrong with your sister?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She says her stomach hurts. She threw up earlier but Su-Su got her cleaned up and gave her some medicine."_ _  
_  
Lexa walks over to the couch. She turns nine year old Roa on her back and the little girl immediately whines and hisses.  
  
_"Ro, what's wrong?"_  
  
Lexa asks her daughter unsmiling and with unmistakeable worry in her voice.  
  
_"It hurts."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What does?"_  
  
Roa tightens her arms around her torso even harder.  
  
_"What part of your stomach hurts Ro? Show me."_  
  
Roa points to the lower right side of her abdomen.  
  
_"Does the pain feel sharp? Like you’re being poked from the inside?"_ _  
_  
The little girl nods weakly. Lexa lifts her shirt and places her hand gently on the side Roa pointed to. Lexa notices her skin is warm. Roa has a fever. The moment Lexa’s hand comes in contact with her stomach the girl pretty much howls in pain.

In that moment Clarke walks into the living room with a yammering baby in one hand and sipping a glass of juice with the other. Lexa hears her steps and turns to her, a dour look on her face.  
  
_"Call 911."_  
  
Clarke looks at her confused but she notes the seriousness is Lexa's voice and her heart immediately drops.  
  
_"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's not faking it Clarke. I think her appendix burst. Call. Now."_  
  
Clarke runs to get the bag she left in the dining room table.

* * *

The paramedics immediately confirmed Lexa’s fears the moment they get to the apartment. Clarke managed to get a hold of Susan on the phone not five minutes after she left and the woman had swiftly turned around to stay with Costia, Anya, and Aden while Clarke and Lexa rode in the ambulance with Roa.

After she got off the phone with Susan, Clarke called Abby hysterical. Abby did her best to calm Clarke and asked to speak to one of the paramedics. Abby instructed them to take Roa to New York Presbyterian which was the hospital where she was the chief surgeon. They agreed.

Abby lived closer to the hospital than Clarke and Lexa did and by the time the ambulance pulled up Abby already had a team on standby waiting to look after her granddaughter. Abby only had to look at Roa for five seconds to know it was bad. She was all but sure that Roa had peritonitis and they needed to get her into the operating room immediately to prevent the infection from spreading to her blood.

_“Mom?”_

Clarke damn near whimpered when she noticed the look on Abby’s face. Abby rushed up to her and cupped her face.

_“Sweetheart. I can’t talk right now. We need to get her to surgery, but I’m going to make sure nothing happens to her. Okay?”_

Abby understood where Clarke’s fear really lay. They couldn’t lose another one. Clarke couldn’t. One was too much, two she wouldn’t survive.

_“Mom…”_

Clarke clings to Abby in anguish. Clarke holds on to her mother like she hasn’t done since Jake’s funeral.

_“Clarke, I have to go. As soon as we know more I will send a nurse out to find you and update you. All you can do now is stay calm. Lexa...look after her. Don’t let her panic.”_

That was the last thing Abby told them before she ran after the gurney that was taking Roa to surgery.

* * *

Roa had been in surgery for forty five minutes.

Clarke paces up and down the hallway, the sound of her heels clanking against the tile causing a never ending echo. Clarke’s hands are clammy, her skin is pale, her breath is shallow. She’s pretty sure this is what dying feels like.

Lexa is perched on one of the uncomfortable burgundy chairs that line the waiting room wall. She attentively watches the seconds on the clock pass by. She counts her breaths and times them with the ticking off the clock. One of them had to remain calm and Lexa was making sure it was her. Shutting down her brain was the only way she knew how to keep it together in this situation and the white clock on the wall was her only aid in achieving that.

Lexa looks over at Clarke once she notices the room has gone eerily silent. Clarke seems to be done with pacing and now rests her forehead against the chill, white, plaster wall while she opens and closes her fists repeatedly. Lexa can tell her wife is having trouble breathing and hurries to her side. Lexa spins Clarke around.  
  
_"Look at me.”_ Lexa cups Clarke’s face and runs her thumbs over Clarke’s tear stained cheeks. “ _Your mom is in there with her. Ro's going to be fine."_  
  
_"I didn't believe her. She was in pain all day. I sent her to school like that. I thought it was just another one of her fantasies or games."_

Lexa kisses Clarke’s forehead and lets her lips linger against the cold skin.  
  
_"You couldn't have known. Ro's track record isn't exactly the best. She has an active imagination."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I_ **should've** _known she was in pain. It's my job to know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke, the only reason I knew was because mine burst at the same age. I remember laying in a couch just like that begging for someone to believe me. It happens."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Great, so I'm just as bad as you horribly neglectful foster parents."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's not what I meant."_ Lexa pulls Clarke in for a hug. _"You know that's not what I meant. You're nothing like any of the people I grew up with."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if she dies Lexa?"_ _  
_  
Lexa can feel her blood freeze inside her veins and her body becomes rooted to that particular spot at the sound of those words. She pushes Clarke away without hesitation so she can look into her eyes.  
  
_"Don't say that. Don't. She's not going to. She was alert up until they took her in. That means she didn’t have sepsis. I had it. I know what it looks like. That wasn’t it. It might be bad, but I don't think she's in any real risk. We just need to sit here and wait for your mom to give us news. Okay?"_  
  
Clarke doesn’t answer and more tears surge from her eyes.

_“Do you trust me Clarke?”_

Clarke nods.

_“She’s not going to die. Alright. We’re not losing her.”_

Clarke pulls Lexa tight and bawls into her chest. This is bringing back too many memories Clarke wishes she never had to relive.

Clarke and Lexa stay exactly like that until twenty minutes later when Abby walks up to them to let them know the situation was contained and that Roa was in recovery. Clarke had never hugged her mother tighter than she did at that moment.

* * *

By the end of the following day Roa had been discharged with strict instructions from her grandmother to lay low and be good for three weeks until her wound healed properly.

Lexa carries Roa bridal style on the elevator ride up to the apartment. The little girl has her arms wrapped securely around the mother's neck. Clarke holds a sleepy Aden. Costia and Anya are at either side of their mothers. They all stand in silence except for the babbling baby currently yanking at his shirt trying to take it off.

Abby and everyone else had offered to come back home with them, but Clarke was suddenly looking forward to the idea of only the six of them being home, even if just for a few hours.  
  
The elevator arrives at the fifteenth floor and they make their way towards the apartment.

* * *

Clarke opens the door to their home and Lexa transports Roa to her room. Costia follows her closely. Clarke hands the baby to Anya who works on putting him down for a nap before Clarke heads to Roa’s room.

Clarke walks in to find Lexa and Costia doting over their youngest girl. It’s the first time Clarke has seen them exist around each other while being this civil in a long while.  
  
_"Do you need anything?"_  
  
Lexa asks the little girl pushing the hair back from her head. Roa shakes her head.  
  
_"Ok. Cos and Nana will take care of you. I probably have to go and catch the train soon, but I can be back tomorrow afternoon to see you."_  
  
_"No!"_ Roa says exasperated. _"Don't leave momma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have to baby. I'm staying with my friend for a little bit remember?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can stay here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ro, I can't."_ _  
_  
Lexa tells her with sadness in her voice. Roa’s face falls.  
  
_"You can stay if you want. I mean, I don't know if you have to go back for work or not, but if...if you don’t and you want to stay you can."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mommy says you can stay!"_  
  
Roa looks at Lexa excited. Lexa takes a deep breath.  
  
_"Are you sure?"_ Lexa asks Clarke. _"I don't want to impose."_  
  
Clarke chuckles weakly.  
  
_"You're not imposing Lexa. You can stay tonight. I'm going to get dinner started."_  
  
Clarke turns on her heels and leaves the room. She’s decided to make them Roa's favorite for dinner: tacos. Surgery kind of earns you the right to be spoiled for some time.

* * *

Once dinner is ready Clarke and Costia carry trays of food into the room and they all eat around Roa’s bed. The five women chat and laugh as they work through their meal.

Clarke has not seen Roa this excited in a long time. Despite the pain she looks genuinely happy. It's obvious that having Lexa around is having a positive effect on her. It seems like it’s been good for all of them.

* * *

They leave the girls and Aden with Roa for a few minutes while Lexa helps Clarke with the kitchen clean up and the dishes. Clarke keeps glancing at Lexa as she works on drying whatever Clarke hands her. This almost feels normal. The normal they used to know before Jake.

* * *

Aden fell asleep promptly after dinner, and before long it's bedtime for the girls. Lexa skips Costia's room for obvious reasons. They’ve been courteous and the last thing Lexa wants is to push her luck and accidentally start something today. At least for Roa’s sake.

Lexa heads for Anya's room instead. She finds her second eldest doing a pair of dutch braids before bed. 

 _"Those are good braids."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I learned from the best."_  
  
Anya smiles at her. Lexa walks in and kisses her forehead.  
  
_"Good night."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Night mom."_  
  
Lexa cups her face and looks into blue eyes she knows so intimately.

_“To the moon?”_

_“And back.”_

Anya smiles at the familiar saying which they haven’t exchanged in quite a long time.

 _"I don’t know why we ever limited it to the moon. I love you way past that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. Me too."_  
  
Lexa makes to leave but Anya speaks before she does.  
  
_"Mom?"_  
  
Lexa turns at the door.  
  
_"I'm glad you're staying tonight and I'm glad you were here for this."_  
  
Lexa smiles.  
  
_"Me too Nana."_  
  
Anya goes back to winding down for the day and Lexa exits the bedroom. Neither one of them needs to say more.

* * *

Lexa stops by the hallway closet and pulls out a pillow and a blanket before heading to Roa's room where she finds Clarke sitting on the bed talking sweetly to the little girl.  
  
_"I'm sorry you were sick and I didn't believe you Ro."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's okay. Grandma made it better."_  
  
Lexa walks in and lays the pillow and the blanket on the floor. She takes her shoes off and then moves to remove her top sweater. She places the pillow by the foot of Roa's bed and then whips the blanket open. Clarke turns at the sound.  
  
_"What are you doing?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you not want me to use this blanket?"_  
  
Lexa looks at her apologetic as she begins to fold it back up.  
  
_"Why are you putting a blanket and pillow on the floor?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"To sleep? I figured the couch was too far in case she needed anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why would you sleep on the floor or the couch?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Where else would I sleep?"_  
  
Lexa as clueless as always when it comes to Clarke asks confused.  
  
_"Lexa, we have a perfectly good bed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh...I...you. Oh."_ Lexa stammers. _"I didn't want to assume."_ _  
_  
Clarke rolls her eyes and smiles before turning to Roa.  
  
_"Sleep. Try not to move too much though. The baby monitor is there if you need us. Just speak into it. I should wake up if I hear you. If I don’t just...keep calling."_  
  
Clarke said pointing to the monitor she had temporarily brought in from the nursery.  
  
_"I love you Roro."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you."_  
  
Clarke kisses Roa’s forehead once again and stands from the bed. She finds Lexa awkwardly hovering there holding the pillow and blanket and walks over to her.  
  
_"Sleeping on the floor.”_ Clarke shakes her head. _“You're so ridiculous sometimes."_ Clarke chuckles as she grabs the pillow and the blanket from Lexa’s hands before walking out of the room. _"We're adults. We can share a bed."_  
  
Lexa hears her open the hallway closet and what she assumes is Clarke talking to herself. She walks to Roa's bed and sits next her daughter. Lexa gently pokes Roa’s chest.

_“What’s a motto?”_

Roa’s eyes light up when she realizes Lexa is bringing up what used to be their old morning and bedtime ritual. They haven’t done this in a while. Not since Jake died.

_“Nothing. What’s a motto with you?”_

Roa sits up to poke Lexa back and giggles.

Roa has lived and breathed The Lion King quotes since she could speak and this one eventually became the one her and Lexa told each other each time they would be separated for longer than a few minutes.

 _“Nothing’s a motto with me. What’s a motto with_ **you** _?!”_

Lexa pokes her again and Roa squirms trying to get away before she winces in pain. They would ask each other back and forth and it would more often than not devolve into a poking fight or tickle session that Clarke would have to come in and break up, but not tonight.

_“Ok. We probably shouldn’t get crazy. Your mom would kill me if you end up in the hospital again.”_

_“That wasn’t fun.”_

_“I know. But now we have the same scar.”_

_“We do?!”_

Lexa nods and stands. She lifts her shirt and proudly shows Roa her appendectomy cicatrix.

_“We’re basically twins now.”_

Lexa sits back on the bed and runs her hands up and down Roa’s leg.

_“That’s so cool!”_

_“Isn’t it? Only you and I have them here.”_

_“Does it give us powers to become flying pixies?”_

Lexa cackles at the randomness of the question. She can’t ever imagine anyone but Roa asking that.

_“No. No powers, Ro. Just a cool scar.”_

_“Powers would’ve been cooler.”_

Roa tells her disappointed which makes Lexa laugh.

_“They really would have.”_

Lexa leans in to give her daughter a kiss on the forehead before she stands from the bed.

_“Alright. Sleep time.”_

Lexa turns off Roa’s lamp which automatically triggers the glow in the dark night lamp. The lamp makes Roa’s room glow with ever rotating shades of neon colors.

Roa was terrified of the dark. Her wild imagination made her certain that really bad things came out from darkness. A night light was the only way they could get the girl to sleep alone in her own room. Not all night lights made her feel safe and they went through many that would unavoidably end up with Roa screaming her head off in the middle of the night and the only way they could calm her down was to bring her to bed with them. They had found this dynamic one a few years ago and Roa had adjusted well to it so Clarke and Lexa never dared question the craziness of the colors that were certainly more well suited for a nightclub than the five year old she was when they came across it.

Lexa gets up from the bed, but Roa stops her.

_“Momma, can we wish on a penny too?”_

Lexa smiles at Roa and sits back on the bed. This was the other half of their nightly routine, one that Lexa had completely forgotten about until now.

_“Sure.”_

Lexa digs through her pocket and doesn’t find pennies, but she does produce two dimes. Roa is older now, Lexa guesses it was time Roa traded up anyway. Roa was more than a little selfish when she was younger. She hated to share anything with her sisters. The only person she would share things with was Jake and that was only _some_ of the time. Lexa figured they had to teach Roa to be selfless somehow and the best way she could come up with was wishing on a penny. What that entailed was that during bedtime they would sit across from each other and Lexa would give Roa two pennies. Roa had the option of keeping both pennies for herself or sharing them with Lexa. Each penny was worth a wish, but the catch was that whatever the wish was, it couldn’t be for themselves. Whoever had one or both pennies had to make a wish for someone else - their sister, friend, grandma, favorite cousin - anyone but them. Once wishes were made they would put the pennies in a jar and once the jar was full they’d use the money to do something nice for someone else. It took a while for Roa to share one of the pennies with Lexa, but she eventually did and down the line there may have even been a few days where Roa shared both pennies if she could sense that her mom had a rough day. The first time Roa filled her jar they bought a sandwich for crazy old Jaha at the park.

Lexa extends her hand and offers the dimes to Roa.

_“You’re a big girl now so you get dimes. That means your wishes are ten times as strong. Those are very powerful wishes Ro. You have to use them wisely.”_

Roa looked shocked at the amount of power she now believe she held in her hands.

_“We don’t have a wish jar momma.”_

_“I know. We’ll get one tomorrow. Tonight they can just stay under your pillow. It will keep the wishes safe.”_

_“You think so?”_

_“It keeps your teeth safe for the tooth fairy, doesn’t it?”_

Roa nods.

_“It’ll do the same with the wishes.”_

_“Ok.”_

Roa extended a dime to Lexa.

_“One wish each. You have to be careful with yours. It’s strong momma.”_

_“Yeah, I know. You want to go first?”_

Roa held the dime on her open palm and closed her eyes.

_“I wish for my mommies to be happy again.”_

Roa opens her eyes and Lexa’s tear ducts well up.

_“That a good wish Ro. That’s a really good wish.”_

Lexa tries to fight back those tears from falling.

_“Your turn.”_

Lexa holds the dime between her index finger and her thumb and closes her eyes.

_“I wish that everyone who kept you safe when you were sick has a really great week.”_

_“Oh, I like that wish momma.”_

_“It’s a nice thing to wish isn’t it?”_

Roa nods and yawns.

_“See, you’re tired. Bed time.”_

Lexa kisses her forehead once more before putting the safely dimes under Roa’s pillow and moving to the door.

_“Good night Ro.”_

_“Night momma.”_

Lexa steps outside and leaves the door ajar behind her.

* * *

Lexa walks into the master bedroom right as Clarke is taking her bra off to change into her sleep clothes. Clarke had already taken off the jeans Octavia had brought for her to the hospital and the bottom half of her body was only shielded by the barely there black thong. Lexa freezes before quickly turning around and attempting to walk out to give Clarke privacy.  
  
_"Seriously? You're going to act like you've never seen my boobs before?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I thought...I..."_  
  
Lexa gives in and walks back into their shared bedroom with a slight tint of red on her cheeks and gently closes the door behind her. She stands by the entrance awkwardly trying to avoid looking at Clarke as she walks topless to the drawer where she keeps her comfortable clothes.  
  
_"I can't believe you. It's been twenty two years and you still blush when you see me naked."_ Clarke laughs. _"That makes me feel slightly less ancient."_  
  
Clarke pulls out a spaghetti strap, see through camisole and silk shorts.    
  
_"You're not ancient Clarke. You're beautiful."_  
  
The candor in Lexa's voice takes Clarke by surprise. She looks up at Lexa and smiles.  
  
_"Thank you. I don't believe you, but thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wouldn't lie to you. You_ **are** _beautiful Clarke."_  
  
They both stare at each other. Clarke is the first one to move. She puts the clothes she was holding on the dresser and walks towards Lexa instead. She places her hands on Lexa's cheeks.

This whole thing couldn’t have taken more than five seconds but Lexa swore time slowed down. She starts to notice the most minute of things. At this proximity Lexa can smell Clarke’s dry shampoo. She gets the clear hints of vanilla and lavender. There was always something about the way Clarke smelled that made her knees a little jittery. Lexa can see the speckles of darker blue in Clarke’s eyes. They seem to be growing darker by the second. Lexa can feel Clarke’s heated breath against her lips. Her bottom lip trembles in response. Clarke notices and finally captures it between her own lips.

The kiss was comforting in ways neither of them could ever verbalize. It was gentle and warm and laden with over nine hundred days worth of sadness and anger and loneliness and disappointment and frustration and heartbreak. Lexa could have described that kiss as many things, but above anything the kiss was loving.

Clarke puts infinitesimal distance between them. Just the necessary amount so she can talk.  
  
_"Tell me again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're beautiful Clarke."_  
  
Lexa’s heartbeat pounds in her ears. Her heart racing faster than she can remember it ever beating before. Lexa pants out of breath without opening her eyes. Lexa keeps them tightly shut because she can feel Clarke's eyes burning into her and she couldn't take the intensity of them if she opened them.  
  
_"Tell me you love me Lex."_  
  
Lexa finally opens her eyes and their gazes meet. Their faces are millimeters apart. Lexa doesn't need to go further than a whisper for Clarke to hear her.  
_  
_ _"I love you. I always have and I always will. I'm trying to be better so I can show you, but even when I don't know how to say it or prove it, I always feel it. Always."_  
  
That's all it takes for Clarke's mouth to find Lexa's again. Her hands make it to the hem of Lexa's sweater and they separate only long enough for Clarke to be able to pull it over Lexa’s head along with the t-shirt that lived underneath it. Clarke is already practically naked and Lexa is on her way to being there.  
  
_"Are you sure?"_  
  
Lexa asks breathless as she studies Clarke’s face to try and detect even the slightest hint of doubt from her wife. Clarke doesn't answer and leans forward to join her lips instead right before her hands travel up Lexa's back to unhook her bra.  
  
Yes, Clarke was most definitely sure.

* * *

Hours later, when they they're sticky and sweaty and satisfied and spent they lay in each other's arms. Their hands still casually explore their tingling naked bodies. Neither of them has felt this carefree in years.  
  
Clarke lays on her wife secretly chastising herself for having forgotten how perfectly her head fits on the crook of Lexa’s neck. She is the first to break the delicate silence.  
  
_"She could've died, Lexa. I probably wouldn't have believed her if you weren't here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You would have."_  
  
Lexa softly runs her hands over Clarke's now damp hair.  
  
_"It could've been too late."_  
  
Lexa kisses her wife’s forehead silently letting her know she doesn't accept that. They don't say anything for a while until Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"Come back home. We need you."_ Clarke pauses and tilts her head to look up at Lexa. _"_ **I** _need you, Lex."_  
  
_"If you want me to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want you to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
The next time Clarke would say her and Lexa were no longer living together was several decades thereafter and even then that wasn’t a voluntary separation. Ultimately, death was the only thing that had managed to truly come between those two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	21. November 10, 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why or how, but this is another massive one. 12.5k. I've basically written 30k in the last 3-4 days. That's insane. Enjoy your back to back 2 for 1 chapters I guess lol. I doubt this will be a trend. I could've split this one in two but that would've been cruel. Aren't you glad I'm nice? :)
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**November 10, 2015**

Lexa pulls her keys out of the knob as she walks into the shadowy apartment.  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
The twenty six year old looks around confused because the apartment is never this dark or silent. Normally Clarke is watching something on the TV or her computer, or she's blaring music while painting, or - like it had become common as of late - she'd be making a pre or post dinner snack. The quiet was unusual. Lexa waits for Clarke to answer as she takes off her coat and hangs it on one of the hooks by the door.  
  
_"Babe?"_  
  
Lexa heads for the master bedroom paying close attention to where she steps. She is wary to avoid the floorboards that are known to creak annoyingly loud. Clarke might be sleeping. She's been doing a lot of that recently as well.

* * *

Lexa opens the door to their moderately sized bedroom hoping to find her wife there, but comes across an empty bed instead.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
The bathroom light is off. Evidently Clarke isn't in there either. Lexa fishes through her bag for the phone and pulls it out dialing Clarke's number while she begins to undress. Lexa perks up her ears to see if she can hear the ringtone anywhere in the apartment. Nothing. Clarke answers on the third ring.  
  
_"Hi you."_  
  
Lexa holds her phone between her cheek and her shoulder. Her fingers find their way to the metal zipper fastening her pants.  
  
_"Hey. I just got home and you're not here. Where are you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be mad."_  
  
Lexa's hands stop moving down the line of buttons on her shirt and shift to hold the phone instead. With Clarke that could mean such a vast array of things that Lexa can’t even figure out where to begin panicking.  
  
_"What happened? Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Where a..."_  
  
Lexa starts mindlessly rattling things off. Clarke interrupts her.  
  
_"Dante needed me to come in for a bit to give him my opinion on a piece he was looking to buy but I'm almost done. He sent a car to pick me up and I'll take another car home. I won't get on the train."_  
_  
_ _"Clarke! You are due any second now. What?!"_

Lexa paces around the room thinking about the thousand and one disastrous scenarios this little unexpected outing could lead to.  
  
_"He tried emailing me pictures of it, but I needed to see it in person. It’s a big purchase. I couldn't not show up. He’s been really great about accommodating me. It was the least I could do."_  
  
Lexa begins digging through drawers and pulls out the first comfortable pairs of jeans she sees.  
  
_"I'm coming to get you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa don't be absurd. I still need to do some things to make the sale official. There will be a car that will pick me up at the entrance of the gallery and that will then drop me off right at the front door of our building. I'll be home in an hour. Maybe two."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke..."_  
  
Lexa attempts to communicate how flustered and concerned this makes her and Clarke knowing her wife as well as she does, can read all of it.  
  
_"Dante is here, the seller is here, and so is Maya. I'm not alone. I'm safe and I will stay that way. I'm just working through the transfer of ownership paperwork now. We'll be home soon. In one piece. Promise."_  
  
Lexa, resigned to Clarke always getting her way, gives in.  
  
_"If anything happens will you call?"_

Lexa sighs into the phone and runs her hands through her hair. _  
_ _  
_ _"If anything happens you will be the first to know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Will you be careful? Please? No carrying things or being unnecessarily reckless."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know where you would get that idea."_ Clarke tells her sarcastically before laughing but knowing without a doubt that Lexa is referring to the night she came home earlier than Clarke expected her to last week and almost had a stroke when she walked in to Clarke trying to move a ten foot canvas by herself. Lexa hears various voices move closer on the other end. _"I have to go. I'll text you when I'm heading out so you don't worry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not taking the train."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I already told you I'm not Lexa. I'll see you in a bit."_ _  
_  
Clarke hangs up and Lexa moves the phone from her ear and looks at it.  
  
_"You are going to be the death of me."_  
  
Lexa tells no one in particular before she finishes undressing and slips into something more comfortable.

* * *

Lexa sits on the couch in a pair of roomy boxers and a hoodie. She's traded her contacts for her glasses, she's braided her wild mane, and she's put on a pair of Clarke’s colorful socks to keep her frigid feet warm.  
  
For once Lexa was home before Clarke. It was...strange. She wasn't really used to being in the apartment alone. Normally they were either both here, both out, or Clarke was here to welcome her after a long day. At least Lexa figures this gives her the opportunity to get some work done without Clarke going off about Lexa not paying attention to her.  
  
Complaints about how much Lexa worked seemed to be the spark that ignited most of the quarrels between Clarke and Lexa lately. Three weeks ago Lexa had achieved her first professional goal. She dexterously managed to get the promotion she had her eye on. Lexa made the colossal jump from a lowly Assistant Prosecuting Attorney in the less than renown White Collar division to being one of the Assistant District Attorneys on Major Crimes. The upgrade in title didn’t just mean Lexa moving to a higher floor and getting an office with her name on the door instead of a stuffy cubicle. This promotion came with a lot more responsibilities and Lexa now found herself justifying the long hours by telling Clarke she needed to bust her ass and prove to her bosses that they had not made a blunder in choosing her to fill this opening over people who had exponentially more experience and that had been working at the DA’s office for years longer than she had. Not only was this a professional step in the right direction, but the promotion came with a raise and with a new member about to join their family, Lexa knew they needed the money. Sure, Lexa’s salary wasn’t glamorous and yes, Clarke had a higher wage than Lexa with her base income as Dante’s assistant alone _before_ even taking into account the hefty brokerage fees she’s been earning since she began dealing with Dante’s clients directly **_or_** the cut Clarke got from the sales of her own work displayed at the gallery **_OR_** the private commissions Clarke’s been receiving following the positive review by NY Arts Magazine where they called her work _“dazzling and oozing with life and truth”_. In short, Clarke made more money than Lexa - **a lot** more money than Lexa - but that didn’t mean Lexa was any less proud of what she was able to contribute to their household and neither did it make her feel that they couldn’t use what she could bring. Because of this Lexa worked harder and for longer than she should have. At least until she felt secure in her new role in Major Crimes.  
  
Lexa goes to the fridge to get something to drink. She fills a glass with the last of the cranberry juice that was left in the pitcher and tosses the empty plastic container in the trash. She walks over to the couch, unpacks her messenger bag onto the coffee table, and begins to read the case files for the sexual assault case she had just been assigned to.

* * *

An hour and twenty one minutes later Lexa hears the unmistakable sound of a key slipping into their doorknob seconds before the door swings open. She looks towards the entrance to catch a heavily pregnant Clarke walking in. Her stomach is poking out past the edges of her jacket because she's no longer able to zip it. This is one of the reasons Lexa hated Clarke going out lately. It would be silly to get a new winter jacket seeing as Clarke was at the very end of the pregnancy so whenever she went out she couldn't actually keep herself properly warm.  
  
Clarke turns to look at Lexa and smiles.  
  
_"So this is what being you feels like, hmm? Gotta say, it's nice to come home to a hot girl waiting for me on the couch."_  
  
Lexa laughs and stands to greet her. They meet halfway in the center of the room and instinctively their arms find their way around each other's hips and their lips attract.  
  
_"Your lips are cold."_  
  
Lexa tells her in between pecks.  
  
_"Warm them up then."_  
  
Lexa smiles against Clarke's mouth. They kiss for a few seconds longer before Clarke pushes her away.  
  
_"I have to pee."_  
  
Lexa laughs and moves out of the way knowing this is routine now. There was apparently only space in Clarke's abdomen for a baby or a functioning bladder this far into the pregnancy. The baby seemed to be winning every round of that battle.  
  
Lexa moves back to the couch and grabs the stack of papers she had been reading.

* * *

Minutes later, the twenty three year old mother to be moves from the back of the apartment to the kitchen looking quite comfortable. Her hair was now held back in a shaggy ponytail, she was wearing one of Lexa's shorts, and one of Lexa's oversized hoodies. Her round belly peeked out from the space that was left between the bottom of the hoodie and the shorts’ elastic waistband because as roomy as some of Lexa’s most loose-fitting items were, they were certainly not maternity wear. That hasn’t stopped Clarke from donning them though. Clarke has started stealing all of Lexa’s clothes to hang out around the house lately. There’s something about them. Not only do they keep Clarke warm, but they also smell like Lexa and that has been oddly comforting to Clarke during her last trimester.  
  
Clarke is thirsty and she knows exactly what she wants. She was savoring it for the entire half an hour car ride between the gallery and their apartment. Clarke opens the fridge but doesn't spot the container. She looks all around the different layers of shelves but can't find it. Clarke looks over at Lexa and at the glass with a few drops of red liquid sitting across from her on the coffee table. Clarke's eyes squint as she quickly deduces what has happened. She walks to the trashcan and opens the lid. The empty container is there. She pulls it out violently and stomps towards the couch.  
  
Clarke walks right up to Lexa and forcefully slams the empty bottle against the wood which startles Lexa.  
  
_"You drank my juice?"_  
  
Clarke asks Lexa through gritted teeth. Lexa knots her eyebrow and looks at Clarke confused.  
  
_"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What's confusing about it? You drank my juice."_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa aggressively. Lexa quickly gathers Clarke is apoplectic.  
  
_"I...what?"_

Lexa genuinely doesn't understand why Clarke is this furious. _  
_ _  
_ _"Why are you playing dumb? Look..."_  
  
Clarke brings the glass with the few drops of juice lingering at the bottom right up to Lexa's face. Much too close to Lexa's face actually which causes her to reel back.  
  
_"...It's obvious that it was you. I left juice in here..."_ Clarke rattles the empty bottle centimeters away from Lexa's face. _"...and now there is no juice. Who could've drank it? The juice thief? Hmm???"_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke like she is speaking a different language.  
  
_"Clarke, I came home and I was thirsty and it was...what?! I'm so confused right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What is there to be confused about? It was my juice and you drank it. You have_ **no** _respect for my things!"_  
  
Clarke is now raising her voice and, for the life of her, Lexa has no idea how they got here.  
  
_"...it was juice?"_  
  
Something about the way Lexa said that and the way she was now looking at her only irritated Clarke further. Clarke huffs and Lexa decides that even though she doesn't have a clue what is going on, she can fix it before it gets worse.  
  
_"Babe...I can go get more juice."_ Lexa begins to stand. _"I didn't know it was such a big deal."_ _  
_  
_"A big deal? A big deal Lexa? It was_ **MY** _juice and you drank it knowing full well it wasn’t yours."_  
  
At this point Lexa is standing across from Clarke doing nothing but blinking because...its juice??? and she Doesn't Get It??? It has yet to cross Lexa's mind that Clarke is simply being a hormonal mess and that all she needs to do is nod, apologize, and wait it out. Instead of doing that, Lexa walks away and heads for the bedroom to find her pants and go to the bodega a couple of blocks away.  
  
_"Pretty sure_ **I** _paid for it."_  
  
Lexa makes the mistake of mumbling to herself when she thinks she's out of earshot.  
  
_"What did you say?"_  
  
**_Oh boy._ ** Lexa doesn't need to turn to know the exact look Clarke has on her face right now. She also knows she doesn't need to answer the question, because the question itself implies that Clarke _does_ know what she said and a world of trouble is about to rain on her. _F u c k._  Lexa would wholeheartedly rather face the defense attorney from hell in court than she would Clarke right now.  
  
_"I'll go get more. That's what I was saying. That I was going to go get more juice. Right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's not what you said Alexandria."_  
  
Lexa slowly turns to face Clarke but doesn’t dare to say anything because, really, no matter how she attempts to salvage this she's quite aware that she's fucked.  
  
_"What did you say?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't say anything."_

Lexa utters innocently trying to play it off.  
  
_"Oh..so now I’m crazy? I'm imagining things. I see."_  
  
This is exactly why Lexa wasn't speaking. Because now that she's finally figured out that she's dealing with the unreasonable, emotional, hormone-riddled terror that Clarke has been known to transform into, Lexa knew that with every single word that comes out of her mouth, regardless of how irreprochable they may have been, would somehow make everything worse.  
  
_"I didn't say that either."_ _  
__  
__"So tell me what you said."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke..."_  
  
Lexa pleads.  
  
_"Don't 'Clarke' me, Lexa."_  
  
Lexa gathers that her time would be better spent going to the store, getting more juice, and calling it a night, but all she can actually do is repeatedly think _"Are we really arguing about juice? Why are we arguing about juice?"_. She knows better than to ask Clarke though. She learned that lesson the hard way. Last time Lexa spoke out of line during one of these nonsensical bickering matches she slept on the couch for three nights.  
  
Lexa is aware that if those words leave her mouth the equivalent of setting off a nuke is going to unfold. Lexa recognizes that Clarke is seriously expecting her to repeat what she said. She can read it in Clarke's flushed face. Lexa has dealt with worse than this at work though. Lexa is convinced she can get out of anything...or so she thinks. In her mind all she has to do is deescalate the situation and it'll be fine. Lexa decides breaking out her placid, composed, lawyer voice is the way to go. The only thing she needs to do is persuade Clarke to calm down and the detonation of the rage bomb could be averted.  
  
_"Clarke, love, there really is no need to get upset over this. I'll go out and buy some more. It’s no problem. I understand that you're very stressed right now, but..."_  
  
Clarke scoffs loudly and Lexa instantly knows that plan just backfired monumentally.  
  
_"'Stressed'?"_ Clarke glared at Lexa. _"What does 'stressed' mean Lexa?"_ _  
_  
Lexa knows she fucked up _BIG_ time. The hole she's currently standing in continues to grow deeper by the second and scary, intimidating lawyer Lexa Woods finds herself stumbling with her words.  
  
_"I just...I didn't...what? I don't mean anything with that Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"Oh, I think you do."_  
  
Clarke walks towards Lexa ending up directly across from her.  
  
_"Clarke..."_ _  
__  
__"You said I'm 'stressed'? What exactly are you implying with 'stressed', Lexa?"_  
  
Clarke begins to aggressively mimick air quotes millimeters away from Lexa's face every time she says the word 'stressed'.  
  
_"I didn't mean 'stressed' as in_ **actually** _stressed I..."_ _  
__  
__"Oh yeah then what does 'stressed' mean then?"_ _  
__  
__"Well...there's a lot going on around here lately with the baby and stuff and..."_  
  
Lexa stares at her silently begging Clarke to spare her because she has **_no clue_** where that sentence was going. Clarke glares at her with the _'you're three seconds away from dying'_ face and Lexa doesn’t have the **_slightest_** idea of how drinking a glass of juice got her here.  
  
_"THERE! So what you're really saying is that I'm being unreasonable!"_ _  
__  
__"No. No...I..."_ _  
__  
__"What you were really trying to say with 'stressed' is that I'm irrational. That I'm the CRAZY pregnant lady mad because YOU drank juice that apparently YOU..."_ Clarke pokes her in the chest repeatedly and Lexa mumbles 'Ouch' when she feels the boney finger dig into her _. "...paid for with your hard earned money. Didn't you Lexa?"_ _  
__  
__"No, Clarke, I would never-"_ _  
__  
__"You stole MY juice! I'm carrying YOUR child, Lexa! And in return YOU have the guts to accuse ME of acting crazy!"_ _  
__  
__"Clarke, please calm d..."_ _  
__  
__"DON'T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I AM PERFECTLY CALM!"_ _  
__  
__"You're right. You're so right. I'm sorry. You're calm. I'm going to go get the juice. I'm sorry for drinking it."_ _  
__  
__"No! Now you just want to get out of the house to not deal with the crazy, irrational, 'stressed' woman being not calm over juice."_  
  
Lexa basically whimpers because it's really not going to end no matter what she does. Lexa knows she cannot get the upper hand in this one regardless how hard she tries. She never loses in court, but she _knows_ she cannot win a fight with hormonal Clarke over supposedly stolen juice.  
  
Before Lexa can wrap her head around what was happening in the first place, all of a sudden Clarke is **_BAWLING_** inconsolably.  
  
_"I can't believe you drank my juice."_  
  
Clarke turns away from Lexa and walks to rest her elbows on the kitchen counter before she buries her face in her hands. That catches Lexa even more off guard because Clarke was **_literally_** just screaming and in between words she's now a crying mess and Lexa's mind is screaming in confusion because _"WHAT DO I DO??? IF I GO COMFORT HER SHE MIGHT KILL ME, BUT IF I DON'T SHE MIGHT ALSO KILL ME!"_  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Lexa states tentatively and takes a tiny step in Clarke’s direction testing the waters. Clarke looks up at her with the saddest eyes Lexa has ever seen.  
  
_"You drank my juice."_  
  
Clarke breaks out into full, body wracking sobs. Lexa is now officially feeling guilty. Clarke is crying because of her. It was something so silly, but Lexa still made her cry. That’s one thing Lexa has promised herself she would never do. Lexa goes to hold her and Clarke breaks down in her arms.  
  
_"I really wanted to drink that."_  
  
_"I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I will never take anything from the fridge again without asking you first. I swear. I can go get more now and I'll be back in a few minutes."_  
  
That forces Clarke weep harder. Lexa really can’t win today.  
  
_"It’s your house too. You can have anything you want."_  
  
_"I know babe. I know, but I also don’t like to see you like this so it's better if I ask."_  
  
...and Clarke becomes even more distraught.  
  
_"How can you be sweet to me even when I scream at you and when I’m crying over juice?"_  
  
Clarke buries her face in Lexa's neck. She is noisily sobbing but after a few seconds it changes. Clarke suddenly sounds different. For an instant Lexa is alarmed because she believes that Clarke might be having a panic attack. It turns out Clarke is laughing earnestly against the crook of Lexa’s neck.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
When Clarke looks up at Lexa her face is puffy and wet from tears. Clarke is a visible mess. She's howling with laughter but she's still also crying and Lexa really has no idea how to react at this point. She gave up trying to get ahead of Clarke’s emotions about two minutes ago. Lexa is now simply rolling with it.  
  
_"Baby, I’m crying over juice."_  
  
Clarke points out with a smile and a chortle while steady and thick streams of tears roll down her face. Lexa does her best to analyze Clarke’s face trying to gage what the appropriate reaction is because she really has no idea what's coming next, but when Clarke laughs again Lexa can't help but join her as she tries to dry the tears that are still coming.  
  
_"I'm really crying over juice."_ _  
__  
__"You are."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"I'm sorry I drank your juice."_ _  
__  
__"I'm sorry I went berserk on you for drinking my juice."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa tenderly.  
  
_"I'll go get more juice. You want the same thing or you want something else?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa amazed because, honestly, Lexa should be mad. Lexa has every right to be because Clarke just went off on her when she did nothing wrong but instead of being upset Lexa is sweet and soft and still trying to make her happy asking her what kind of juice she wants. Lexa is more than willing to brave below freezing temperatures to simply placate her craziness even after she's already in a hoodie and boxers supposed to be relaxing and unwinding from a long day at the office. In that moment Clarke decides Lexa is the best and most patient wife and because of that, Clarke kisses her again.  
  
_"No."_  
  
Clarke murmurs in between kisses.  
  
_"No?"_  
  
_"No. You take care of me all the time. Let me take care of you"._  
  
By the look in Clarke's eyes Lexa knows exactly what that means even before Clarke starts guiding them to the bedroom.  
  
_"Clarke...I can go get the juice."_ _  
__  
__"Lex, I’m about to fuck you. Forget about the juice."_  
  
That boldness of Clarke’s statement forces all the blood in Lexa's body to rush straight to her face.  
  
_"I can do that."_  
  
And Lexa does. She forgets everything but her and Clarke exist for the next few hours.

* * *

The next morning Lexa begrudgingly wakes up long before she needs to in order to make a supply run. She leaves the house before Clarke wakes up and not knowing what Clarke would prefer, she returns with several gallons of assorted juice. Once the groceries are unpacked she proceeds to cook breakfast.

* * *

Clarke stirs in bed as the baby kicks on her bladder. She groans.  
  
_"Baby...no."_  
  
Clarke whispers as she rubs her thirty eight week pregnant belly. Her due date is thirteen days away and Clarke is counting them down for more reasons than one. Clarke is done with the peeing every three seconds, and the unpredictable mood swings, and the swollen feet, and the needing help with tying her shoelaces or surprisingly putting her pants on sometimes. Clarke wants the baby out but she's also terrified of what that means.  
  
Once that baby is born her and Lexa are going to be responsible for a person. A real life human being. She's confident no one is more prepared for this than Lexa because Clarke is sure her wife has read every parenting book, watched every video, followed up every article with three more complicated articles, took every class, and researched anything she could come up with. Lexa even took a Sunday to get certified in CPR and First Aid because _"you can never be too careful Clarke"_. Clarke would've probably had an emotional breakdown ten times over if it wasn't for the fact that no one was more ready to be a mom than Lexa. Knowing that they were going to do this together the entire time offered some semblance of solace, but truth be told, just because Lexa was ready it didn't mean Clarke was.  
  
Clarke never considered the idea of having kids. Not until Lexa. It wasn’t something she saw for herself until she understood how important having a family was to Lexa. She couldn’t deny Lexa that. She couldn’t say no to this. That being said, Clarke couldn't imagine having more than one kid so that's what they agreed to. One. They'd have one baby and Clarke would carry it because her job was a lot more flexible than Lexa's. They'd have **_one_ ** baby and they'd be done. Lexa would be the best mom and Clarke would learn as much as she could as fast as she could from her. Clarke would take what she learned from Lexa and she would put her best foot forward in her attempts to not to fuck that kid up.  
  
That wasn't the only thing that terrified Clarke though. Emotionally destroying or stunting their child was a long term worry, right now she was more concerned about the fact that the baby that was inside her would eventually have to be outside of her. That "eventually" was less than two weeks and no matter how many birthing classes Lexa made them go to, Clarke would never be ready for that. Clarke was sure of it. Clarke wanted the baby out but she wasn't ready to help with the process of getting it out which, from where she was standing, seemed like a pretty significant problem. Clarke figured she might not be ready for another few years. Maybe more.  
  
These are all the things Clarke managed to think about every second of every day for the past few months until something broke her out of it. In this particular case it was the insistent kick the baby placed on her bladder to remind Clarke there was unnecessary liquid infringing upon its already cramped space.  
  
_"Alright! Fine. I'm up."_  
  
She quietly quibbles with the baby knowing full well it couldn't understand her. To her surprise, the baby kicked again, this time softly. Almost tenderly. Maybe it did understand her after all.  
  
Clarke looks over and realizes the other half of the bed is empty. Lexa shouldn't be up yet. She still had at least another twenty minutes before her alarm went off. Clarke knots her brow because if there was something Lexa loved more than Clarke it was sleep which makes Clarke wonder where her wife could be. She doesn’t have time to dwell on it for long though. The baby kicks again reminding Clarke that if she stayed there for another second she was going to wet the bed. Clarke hurriedly waddles her naked self over to the bathroom as fast as the extra weight allowed her. She moans in relief once liquid started to flow out.  
  
When she's done, Clarke walks out of the en suite and immediately her nose catches a whiff of something delicious. The closer she gets to the bedroom door, the more intoxicating the smell. Clarke’s mouth salivates and a borderline erotic moan escapes her.  
  
Fried Avocado.  
  
Fried Avo and mint chocolate chip ice cream had become her favorite things to eat in the last trimester and with her hormone induced, hound-like senses she could smell one of those cooking even with the bedroom door closed. Her mouth waters exponentially as she pictures it crisping up in the pan. The baby jolts in what Clarke can assume is anticipation.  
  
_"Easy! It hurts when you jerk around like that."_  
  
Clarke chastises the baby while rubbing her bare stomach.  
  
Clarke throws on the hoodie they had discarded by the foot of the bed the previous night and nothing else. Pants seem quite unnecessary at this point in her life. Clarke really couldn't care less that her ass was hanging out. Knowing Lexa wouldn't complain either she headed towards the kitchen.

* * *

Clarke finds her wife in sweatpants and a sweater tending to the sizzling pans on the hot stove and sipping from her steaming coffee cup. Clarke rests against the wall and simply watches Lexa move gracefully around their cramped kitchen. Clarke smiles at how small Lexa looks.  
  
Clarke has seen videos of Lexa in court. Lexa was mighty and imposing there. Lexa stood taller and commanded respect around her peers. But here, right now - with her thick glasses too far down her nose, her slept-on braid with hair poking out in all directions, and the oversized pullover with gigantic, bold, and colorful "Columbia Law" sprawled on the front that happened to be a hundred sizes too big for her bony frame - Lexa looked exactly like the geeky twenty one year old that had stolen Clarke's heart away seconds after Clarke destroyed her backyard during freshman year at NYU. They were much older now and had gone through a lot to get here, but Clarke still saw glimpses of that sullen girl. The one everyone was a little afraid to cross in the hallways. Clarke is still surprised that under that leather jacket and the dark and broody persona she strived so hard to maintain, Lexa turned out to be a sweet dork who loved to place her ear against Clarke's stomach because Lexa would swear she could hear the baby swooshing around. It’s mornings like these that reminded Clarke how intensely and unconditionally she loved her idiot.  
  
_"Smells good."_  
  
Lexa turns at the sound of Clarke's voice. Lexa promptly notices the glaring lack of pants, shakes her head in silent disapproval, and brightly smiles at the half naked girl before reaching for the cup she had already placed on the table across from Clarke’s usual seat. Lexa fills it with coffee and walks over to her wife. Clarke goes to reach for it but Lexa fakes her out and pulls it back. Clarke looks at her offended.  
  
_"You get the coffee if I get a kiss."_ _  
__  
__"You apparently have a death wish this morning."_  
  
Clarke looks at her sternly as Lexa leans in and ends up really close to her lips but doesn't close the miniscule gap.  
  
_"One kiss."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes. She reaches up and places her hands on either side of Lexa’s face and gives her a proper good morning kiss. It's deep and soft and sweet and Lexa most definitely whimpers into it.  
  
_"Coffee."_  
  
Clarke breaks the kiss and Lexa pecks her one last time before she places the warm cup in Clarke's hand.  
  
_"Good morning."_  
  
Lexa smiles as her hand finds its way to Clarke's midriff. She runs her fingers over the fabric that covers Clarke’s skin and feels the baby kick in response to the contact. The reaction makes Lexa’s smile grow even wider. Clarke takes a sip of the coffee and spits it right back into the cup. Lexa chuckles because she was waiting for the reaction.  
  
_"Lexa...what is_ **that** _?"_  
  
_"You heard what she said yesterday morning. Your blood pressure was a little high. No more caffeine. I got decaf this morning."_ _  
__  
__"Coffee with no caffeine defeats the entire purpose of coffee!"_ _  
__  
__"It's just for a few weeks."_ _  
__  
__"Lexa. I need coffee."_ _  
__  
__"Can't have any. Doctor's orders."_  
  
Lexa bends, kisses Clarke's tummy, and whispers her 'Good morning' before going back to the stove and tending the eggs with spinach and tomatoes and the butter fried avo and bacon.  
  
Clarke goes to the cupboard where they normally keep the coffee and finds a bag of decaf in its place.  
  
_"Lexa...what did you do with my coffee?"_  
  
Lexa smiles and shrugs as she starts serving up their breakfast onto plates.  
  
Clarke goes to the fridge and opens it, but before she can notice that any trace of chocolate is gone, that the Coke cans have been replaced by Sprite, and that the vitamin waters have been traded for regular water bottles she notices the half a dozen gallons of juice.  
  
_"Lex..."_ Clarke speaks low as she starts to tear up. _"Why is there enough juice for a small army in our fridge?"_ _  
_  
Lexa shuts off the stove, puts the plates on the table, and sits on her usual chair.  
  
_"Just replacing what I drank last night."_  
  
Clarke closes the fridge and walks over to where her wife is sitting with tears starting to well up in her eyes. Clarke sits on her usual chair and pulls it closer to Lexa just as she takes a bite of her food. Clarke forcefully pulls Lexa closer to her by the loose fabric of her hoodie. Clarke connects their lips remaining completely unbothered by the fact that Lexa was currently mid bite. It's an awkward kiss because Lexa's mouth is full of eggs but they somehow make it work. Clarke ends the kiss and rests her forehead on Lexa's as she sniffles.  
  
_"You got me juice."_ _  
__  
__"I didn't want to run the risk of being murdered in my sleep."_  
  
Lexa says with a sly smile.  
  
_"You still might if you don't get me a cup of coffee."_ _  
__  
__"You're going to have to kill me for that one. No coffee Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"Lexa."_  
  
Clarke pleads knowing that puppy eyes usually do the trick with Lexa.  
  
_"Don't. You know what she said. Not budging on this one and before you get any ideas, I already sent out a mass email letting our friends and everyone at the gallery know you're not allowed to have caffeine and they will keep an eye out for me."_ _  
__  
__"You didn't!"_  
  
Clarke looks at her in shock and more than mild offense.  
  
_"Clarke, high blood pressure is serious in the third trimester. We have to stay away from anything that will cause complications. If it makes you feel any better I'm drinking decaf too."_ _  
__  
__"It doesn't. It doesn’t make me feel any better. All I had left was my coffee. I can't drink. I can't smoke. I can't even put my own damn shoes on. The one small pleasure I wasn't barred from was drinking my morning coffee. How do you want me to get through my day without it?"_ _  
__  
__"We'll find a way. It's just a few weeks babe."_  
  
Lexa says as she pecks Clarke before taking another bite of her food.  
  
_"Lexa..."_

Lexa shakes her head no and Clarke realizes she truly isn’t giving in. _  
_ _  
_ _"You can have all the juice you want though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be a smart ass."_  
  
Clarke leans back on her chair and pouts. Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Please eat before it gets cold."_  
  
Clarke pushes the plate away and sulks as she crosses her arms and somehow manages to rest them in the nonexistent space between her constantly leaking boobs and her massive midsection.  
  
Lexa chuckles again as she watches her wife attempt to throw a tantrum.  
  
_"Babe...it's going to get cold."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if I go on a hunger strike? What if I don't eat until you give me coffee?"_  
  
Lexa lets out a belly laugh.  
  
_"Clarke, when was the last time you could go between meals without having approximately seven snacks?"_  
  
Clarke gives her A Look and Lexa swiftly knows she just walked herself into very dangerous territory.  
  
_"What are you trying to say? That I eat too much?"_  
  
Lexa corrects herself quick.  
  
_"No. No. No babe. No. Just that...you're eating for two now and that takes a lot of energy. You need the calories. You're incubating a human being. You can't stop eating. It'll hurt the baby."_  
  
When Clarke doesn't stab her with the knife on the table two seconds after she's done talking Lexa thinks she may have dodged a huge bullet.  
  
_"Mom being grumpy and not having coffee will hurt the baby too."_  
  
Clarke leans forward, grabs the fork, and digs into the fried avocado. Lexa laughs at Clarke’s grumbling.  
  
_"I'll do some research about what coffee alternatives are safe for you and the baby today. Is that fair?"_  
  
Clarke groans, grabs the empty cup in front of her, gets up from the table, and heads for the fridge.  
  
_"Oh...no babe. Sit. I just didn't know what kind of juice you wanted. I'm sorry. I forgot."_  
  
Lexa stands up.  
  
_"Lexa sit down. I apparently can't do anything these days, but I sure as fuck can pour my own drink."_  
  
Clarke snarls at her, but Lexa keeps moving towards the fridge. Clarke rolls her eyes and addresses Lexa very sternly.  
  
_"Sit."_  
  
Lexa knows this isn't a fight she's interested in picking or that she would win anyways so she goes back to her breakfast. Her phone dings as an email from work comes through and Lexa becomes engrossed in it. She chows down while Clarke stands with the fridge door open trying to decide what kind of juice she wants.  
  
Clarke finally settles on Mango Pineapple and leans forward to grabs the carton. A significant amount of liquid gushes and hits the ground with a whoosh. Clarke looks down her bare legs and at the floor.  
  
Lexa continues to read the brief attached to the email but acknowledges the faint sound coming from the direction fridge. Clarke spilling things happens often so Lexa gets up and as if on auto pilot, goes to the sink to fetch the sponge, and walks back to the refrigerator with her eyes still glued to the device in her hands. Lexa opens the door wider to try and squeeze in between it and Clarke's body but as soon as she does, from the corner of her eye Lexa can tell that the cap is still on the juice box and the glass is empty and clean.  
  
_"Uhm..."_  
  
Clarke finally verbalizes and Lexa lifts her gaze from her phone and locks eyes with Clarke. They're both wide eyed.  
  
_"That’s not juice."_  
  
Lexa looks at the floor.  
  
_"No.”_

Clarke adds dryly. _  
__  
__"Oh...no. Did...? Is that...?"_  
  
_"I either just randomly peed myself or my water broke."_ _  
__  
__"No. No. You're not due for another two weeks!"_  
  
Lexa notes with slight panic in her voice.  
  
_"I'm well aware, but I am standing in a pool of_ **something** _which I'm pretty sure is not pee so unless I'm leaking some other mysterious liquid, I'm going to go ahead and guess that this baby just decided two weeks was too long of a wait."_  
  
Lexa looks at the puddle on the floor and then back at Clarke and then back at the floor.  
  
_"I haven't even built the stroller or the car seat yet!"_  
  
For some reason in Lexa's mind arguing with the spill will change the obviously inevitable.  
  
_"I...we still have two birthing classes to go! She doesn't even have the breathing right yet!"_  
  
Lexa is still talking to the puddle while pointing at Clarke.  
  
_"I'm not sure why you're talking to amniotic fluid about me in third person when I'm standing_ **right here** _but I need you to move so I can get my feet out of it. It's warm and it's icking me out."_  
  
Lexa finally looks at Clarke again. Behind Lexa’s green eyes Clarke can actually see her mind racing strenuously. Lexa is silently freaking out even though she would never in a million years admit it. Clarke sighs after taking a deep breath. In that moment Clarke realizes that for this to work one of them has to keep their head on straight and since it clearly won’t be Lexa then it has, by default, fallen on her. Clarke puts the juice back in the fridge shelf and puts the empty glass next to it. Now that her hands are free she can hold Lexa's face.  
  
_"Hey...hi."_  
  
Lexa's eyes can’t focus on one thing. Her mind is spiraling. Clarke can easily tell that much. As Clarke carefully examines Lexa’s face, she can almost feel Lexa mentally going over the lists of all the things they've yet to do. Things that in Lexa’s mind _must_ happen before she can even consider the possibility that they’re remotely ready for the baby to join them.  
  
_"Hey. Lexa. Look at me. Lex..."_  
  
Lexa finally snaps back into it.  
  
_"I don't think we have enough diapers!"_  
  
Clarke laughs at the pure, unadulterated panic seeping through Lexa’s voice and kisses her for a split second.  
  
_"I have a feeling the six_ **boxes** _you ordered online last week will hold us off for a few days."_ _  
__  
__"But..."_ _  
__  
__"Shhh...listen to me. First thing that's going to happen is that I'm going to get my feet out of this because it really_ **is** _weird to be standing in warm, baby brewing water. I'm going to go to our room, I'm going to take a shower, and I'm going to change. You're going to clean this up and finish your breakfast. When I get out we'll call Niylah and see what she says. Does that sound like a plan?"_ _  
__  
__"Remind me again why your ex-girlfriend is our midwife?"_ _  
__  
__"Because she's great at what she does and she's already seen me naked so it's not weird."_ _  
__  
__"It's very weird."_ _  
__  
__"It makes it not weird for me then."_ _  
__  
__"Still weird."_ _  
__  
__"If a person is going to have their head between my legs it might as well be someone who has seen it all before."_ _  
__  
__"That's really not helping."_  
  
Clarke pecks Lexa and moves her so she can get out of the corner she's standing in.  
  
_"Niylah's delivering the baby Lexa. We've been over this and I'm going to walk away now. Can you promise not to give yourself an overthinking aneurysm while I'm gone?"_  
  
Lexa just looks at her. Mind still racing.  
  
_"I need a verbal answer."_ _  
__  
__"Yes. Yes. I'm good. I'm good."_ _  
__  
__"Keep repeating it until I’m back. You might start to believe it."_  
  
Clarke smiles before pecking her one last time and turning to walk away. Clarke is well aware she's about to leave a trail of amniotic fluid from the kitchen to their bedroom but she doesn't actually care. She leaves the kitchen and her wife behind heading for the bedroom.  
  
Lexa stays frozen for a good few seconds before her eyes go even wider.  
  
_"Wait!"_ She moves to run after Clarke but steps on the puddle with her bare feet and immediately groans. _"Ugh...it_ **is** _warm!"_  
  
Clarke walks back into the kitchen to find her wife with one foot still in the pool of liquid and a grossed out look on her face.  
  
_"I told you it felt weird. What?"_ _  
__  
__"What what?"_ _  
__  
__"You very dramatically just screamed 'wait' after I walked away. What's the problem?"_ _  
__  
__"Oh...you can't shower! What if you like...have the baby in there?!"_  
  
Clarke laughs and rolls we eyes at the ridiculousness.  
  
_"What do the books say an average labor lasts?"_ _  
__  
__"First time tends to be at least twelve hours. Sometimes as long as twenty four, thirty six, or even forty eight."_  
  
_"How long ago did my water break?"_ _  
__  
__"About two minutes."_  
  
Clarke cocks her eyebrow at Lexa before turning around and wordlessly walking out of the kitchen. She’s already proven her point.  
  
_"It's a possibility Clarke!"_  
  
Lexa screams after her.  
  
_"You promise to clean the baby gunk and I promise I'll try my hardest to keep my legs closed tightly for the entirety of my shower so the baby doesn't just slip right out."_  
  
Clarke screams right back.  
  
_"It could happen!"_  
  
Lexa swears she hears Clarke laugh right before the bedroom door slams behind her.

* * *

Clarke was expecting - more like hoping - to have this whole labor thing done in a few hours. Twelve hours. Maybe fifteen if it was really going long. It's now been twenty three hours and seven minutes if she’s properly keeping track since Lexa's last count. The sun went down and came back up. Almost a full day later and still no baby. Niylah left six hours ago swearing Clarke only about two and a half centimeters dilated and that her contractions aren't close enough to be considered active labor leaving her with instructions that Clarke should give her a call when contractions were at least three minutes apart.

A lot of reading and options were looked at before they - well, before Clarke - decided a midwife would be the best choice. After meeting with Niylah, Clarke decided to have a home water birth. It made sense to her to not be surrounded by strangers in a foreign place. Clarke had decided she didn't want pain medication anyway so having the baby at home felt easy and comfortable and less stressful. What wasn't easy, comfortable, or not stressful was trying to convince Lexa **_and_ ** her medically trained mother that this is what she wanted. For months Lexa would come up with the most far-fetched scenarios as to why a hospital would be necessary. Eventually Clarke put her foot down and pretty much told Lexa _"my vagina, my decision"_ and much to Lexa's chagrin that was the end of that argument.

Clarke now lays on her side doing her best to stay quiet as contractions come and go. Lexa snores softly next to her and the last thing Clarke wants to do is wake her up. Agonizing and borderline unendurable pain aside, Clarke is more than savoring this alone time as best she can after the day she’s had.  

* * *

Abby had been by Clarke’s side until the previous night but after hours of her and Lexa making non stop comments about how a hospital would be better for this or that reason Clarke sent her home. Following a particularly snarky comment from the doctor, one that Lexa agreed with, Clarke had enough.  
  
_"Mom, I love you. I do. So much. Especially after I know you went through_ **this** _because of me, but you need to go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What? Clarke..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. You and you…”_ Clarke points at Abby and Lexa. _“...you two are pissing me off. I need quiet because there is human trying to come out of me and I can't with the two of you doing this. If you don't leave I'm going to end up kicking both of you out so you have to go. Now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke."_

Lexa jumps in.

 _"Lexa...no. Now mom. I'm asking nicely."_  
  
Abby had no choice but to leave. She continued to check in every half an hour, but she wasn't allowed back. Not until after the baby was born.

* * *

All of Clarke and Lexa’s friends have also come and gone from their apartment in the last twenty four hours. The ones that stayed the longest were Raven, Octavia, and Anya. Octavia spent the afternoon on the couch trying to breathe through contractions with Clarke. Raven and Anya helped build all the missing things Lexa and Clarke hadn't gotten to while Lexa ran to the office for a couple of hours to make sure everything was ready for her to suddenly be gone for a few days.

* * *

Lexa returns from the office as the sun starts to go down. She’s so flustered that within seconds she trips over her own feet and almost falls face first on the ground. Anya rolls her eyes and pulls her sister by the arm towards the balcony.

_“Come here you fucking dipstick.”_

Once they’re both outside Anya slides the glass door closed to give them privacy from the other girls. 

 _"If she's the one pushing the baby out, why does she look more put together than you?"_  
  
Anya asked before taking a sip of the beer she’s been nursing for about half an hour. Lexa wraps her arms around herself because Anya didn’t even give her a chance to grab a jacket and this is the best she can do to try and stave off the wind chill.  
  
_"I...she...we...I was supposed to have two more weeks Anya."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. So? Since when do you get flustered by a challenge? Lexa...you don't need two more weeks. What are you going to do? Reread all the books I know you already have memorized?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well..."_  
  
Lexa promptly stops talking when Anya's open hand makes forceful contact with the back of her head.  
  
_"OW! What was that for?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Someone had to do it."_  
  
Lexa rubs the back of her skull and mutters a curse word but when Anya notices it is clear that Lexa still hasn't gotten the point she speaks again.  
  
_"You got into NYU for undergrad on a scholarship. That wasn’t thanks to me. I’m the idiot who couldn’t even help you with grammar homework. That was all your doing. You got a full ride to Columbia. You fucking graduated law school at an Ivy League as the salutatorian of your class, Lexa. And because you insist on making the rest of us look bad, according to you, you're the youngest female ADA to make it to wherever it is you just got promoted to. If anyone can change diapers and bathe a shit machine it's you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not that simple."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa all that thing is going to do is poop, eat, puke, and cry for a few months. You're actually over qualified to deal with it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If Clarke hears you call the baby an 'it' again..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good thing you're not telling her then."_  
  
Lexa stays silent and looks out into the shitty view from their shitty balcony.  
  
_"God damn it Lexa. You two were born for this. You have that gross soulmate movie bullshit going on. If you two can't pull this off humanity is fucked."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're going to have to watch your mouth around the baby."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Pffft...your kid has to learn to curse somewhere and it might as well be me."_  
  
They both stand without speaking. Lexa turns her back to the view and look through the glass door and into the apartment where Clarke sits on the couch talking to Octavia and Raven.  
  
_"Can you stop freaking the fuck out? It’s making me want to uppercut you.”_ Anya stops to take another sip of her beer before inhaling and exhaling loudly. _“If I could pick, I'd pick Clarke and Lexa as my parents. You two at your worst is still better than anyone in the world. Here..."_  
  
Anya says tapping Lexa's arm with the near empty beer bottle.  
_  
_ _"You know I'm not drinking because Clarke can't drink."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You need it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She would kill me if I was drunk when the baby comes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Drunk? Lexa I'm giving you a sip of my warm dollar beer not handing you a bottle of absinthe and forcing you to chug it. Fuck. Have you always been this fucking dramatic?"_  
  
Lexa firmly yanks the beer from Anya's hand and takes a small gulp then hands it back. They don’t speak while Anya gathers the courage to say what she’s been building up to.  
  
_"You're the kind of mom I wish would've walked in one day and taken us. That is one really fucking lucky kid. All you need to do is stop losing your fucking shit and you’ll be fine.”_ Anya punches Lexa on the arm to drive the point further. Lexa rubs her arm to try and dissipate the pain. _“Alright?"_  
  
Lexa looks at Anya and nods. Anya notices Lexa’s eyes start to fill with tears and chugs the rest of her beer.

_“Fuck no. We’re not doing the crying thing. Stop that.”_

Anya doesn't talk about their past in the foster system. Anya doesn’t revisit their childhood. Ever. Matter of fact, Anya doesn't talk about feelings or show many emotions in general. She learned to disassociate and divorce from them at a very young age. It’s the way Anya learned to survive and to keep Lexa alive in the process. It’s how she made it this far, but for a second all Lexa saw in Anya was vulnerability. Anya doesn’t do that and Lexa understands how momentous that must have been for her. She perceives the significance of what that means coming from her sister so Lexa takes those words to heart and she embraces them. Lexa believes that she is going to be a great mom to that baby. She now wholeheartedly accepts the fact that her and Clarke were going to do fine. If Anya of all people said so, then it must be true.

* * *

Raven digs through her tool box looking for the right kind of wrench for this bolt.

 _"Are you finally going to tell us the name or what? Seems kind of pointless to keep hiding it at this point. The thing is coming out any second now."_  
  
Raven asks giving up on the wrench she can’t find and moving on to the last few screws left to put in the stroller as Clarke tries to breathe through the tail end of a contraction.  
  
_"Call my baby a thing again Raven. I dare you."_  
  
Clarke throws one of the ice chips she's holding in Ravens direction.  
  
_"You don't know what sex it is because you guys want to 'be surprised' and we don't know what the name options are because you want us to ‘be surprised’. What the fuck am I supposed to call it if not 'thing'?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"A baby. It's a baby Rae."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure yeah whatever. 'A baby'"_  
  
Raven replies in a mocking tone and Clarke throws the entire handful of ice in her hands.  
  
_"Watch it! I'm building the engineering feat that is going to carry your 'baby' around.”_ Raven hollers at Clarke drying herself off before turning to Octavia. _“Do you see what happens when you grow a human Tavia? You and Lincoln better take this as a warning."_  
  
Octavia looks at Raven and Clarke and smiles.  
  
_"We actually have."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What does that mean?"_  
  
Clarke asks almost offended.  
  
_"In a good way! It’s good. Honestly. Stop looking at me like that. You and Lexa...you guys look happy and...Lincoln and I have been talking and..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No! No! Not you too!"_  
  
Raven slams the screwdriver on the ground.  
  
_"Not yet. I'm not."_ Octavia clarifies to her friends. _"But hopefully soon. Maybe."_  
  
_"What happened to the common sense in this group?! Who am I supposed to go drinking with then if you two are busy looking after your spawns?"_  
  
Clarke throws yet another ice chip at Raven.  
  
_"Baby!"_  
  
Raven throws it right back at Clarke this time and it hits her square in the chest.  
  
_"You could always take Anya."_  
  
Clarke looks out to the balcony where Anya and Lexa talk when suddenly Anya hits Lexa in the back of the head again. Clarke smiles knowing full well Anya is the only person who could get away with doing that and not be thrown over the rail.  
  
_"She's not having kids anytime soon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop trying to make me sleep with your wife's sister Griffin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I would if you two weren't obviously in denial."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya and I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Anya and I what?"_  
  
Anya asks when her and Lexa walk back into the apartment.  
  
_"Anya and I nothing. That's exactly what I was saying."_  
  
Anya and Raven raise an eyebrow as they look at each other but quickly turn to Clarke when she hisses in obvious pain. Clearly another contraction is starting. Clarke squeezes Octavia's hand as Lexa rushes to her other side and holds her unoccupied hand.  
  
_"Breathe. Just breathe through it."_  
  
Lexa coaches Clarke as she runs her hands up and down her back.

* * *

Active labor starts in the middle of the second night. They'd laid down on the bed after everyone had gone home and as much as Lexa fought it, she eventually fell asleep. But not Clarke, she couldn't. Whatever was going on inside her felt like it was setting her on fire every five and a half minutes.  
  
Clarke can feel the pain growing more intense and after a particularly hard one which makes her groan out loud and causes Lexa to shift, Clarke makes the choice to move to the living room. She decides to let Lexa sleep because at least one of them should be able to. She knows they'll both need it.

* * *

Lexa throws her arm to the opposite side of the bed expecting to wrap it around Clarke because Clarke is always warm and Lexa is currently craving that body heat. Her arm lands with a flat thud on the mattress instead. Lexa opens her eyes confused. It's the middle of the night, why would Clarke not be in b...oh. _Right!_ The baby. They're having a baby and she apparently fell asleep.  
  
Lexa practically jumps off the bed and rushes to find Clarke.

* * *

Clarke sits on the couch with her eyes closed. Her t-shirt is pulled up to the underside of her breasts and her hand moves in circles over her bare stomach while she talks softly clearly addressing the baby.  
  
_"You and I had a deal. You're not keeping your end of it. Quick and easy. We had agreed. This is_ **not** _quick and easy. I'm expecting you to be the chillest baby ever after this. You owe me."_  
  
Lexa practically stumbles into the living room still dazed and very much confused from being sound asleep just seconds ago.  
  
_"Are you okay? Is it here? Was it born?"_  
  
Clarke tilts her head.  
  
_"Oh yeah, I'm just sitting here relaxing. The baby left for work twenty minutes ago."_  
  
Lexa looks at the door confused trying to make sense of what Clarke is saying.  
  
_"It...what?"_  
  
Lexa is still half asleep and utterly flummoxed. Clarke realizing the joke went right over Lexa's sleepy head gives up.  
  
_"Lexa, why are you up? I left you sleeping for a reason."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm so sorry. I fell asleep."_ Lexa sits next to Clarke and places her hand on her stomach. _"I'm the worst."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You needed it. It's fine. Baby's still inside. You didn't miss anything exciting."_ _  
_  
Lexa leans in to kiss her softly and rests her forehead against Clarke's.  
  
_"How are you feeling?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Like I'm really regretting falling for that mopey face of yours eight and a half months ago. Remember that pros and cons list you made that started with 'It'll be fun.' The list lied. This isn't fun."_  
  
Lexa chuckles softly.  
  
_"The fun part comes after this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who do I talk to about skipping this part? I don't like this part."_  
  
Lexa leans in to kiss her softly again with a smile on her face.  
  
_"I love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can't in good conscience say that back at the moment because I don't like lying to you."_  
  
Lexa snaps her head back laughing.  
  
_"We can revisit it later then."_  
  
Lexa feels Clarke's uterus harden under her hand and Clarke hisses.  
  
_"Oooh, that one feels strong."_  
  
Clarke hums in response. Lexs matches Clarke's breathing and helps her through it until she feels the muscle relax under her palm once more.  
  
_"We should call Niylah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I talked to her like fifteen minutes ago. She said they're still not close enough. She said it's 'too early'. Too early for what?"_  
  
Clarke asks rhetorically and irritated.  
  
_"Well, your body..."_  
  
Clarke shushes Lexa.  
  
_"Don't. Don't regurgitate baby book knowledge at me right now, Lexa. Let me be cranky in peace."_  
  
Lexa chuckles and sits next to Clarke in perfect silence. They stay on the couch until things start to pick up. They don’t move until it’s definitely not “too early” anymore.

* * *

Niylah and her assistant had arrived a few hours prior and things had quickly escalated from there. Clarke and Niylah were currently alone in the nursery. Clarke bobs in the warm water while Niylah checks the baby’s heartbeat and records it’s vitals in the progress chart she’s been keeping since she arrived.

Clarke needed a break from Lexa’s overbearing energy and she also needed to have a conversation with Niylah in private, so she devised a simple plan. Clarke’s insisted that she was craving popsicles and Lexa needed to get them for her. Lexa tried to argue anyone but her could procure those for Clarke because she thought leaving Clarke’s side was the worst idea ever, but Clarke managed to convince her anyway and Lexa reluctantly left the house about ten minutes ago. Clarke was now enjoying some tranquil, neurotic-free time.

 _"Hey, Niy?"_  
  
Niylah locks eyes with Clarke.  
  
_"Can I ask you for a favor?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want Lexa to be the first to see if it's a boy or a girl. I got to experience a lot with the baby that Lexa will never get, but I want her to have that. I know we have no idea how it's all going to go down, but can we at least try?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll do my best."_  
  
_"Thank you. For this...and everything I guess. For not making it weird. Lexa thinks this is weird."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's probably a little strange. If you ever told me I'd be delivering your baby I'd never think it was your child with someone else."_  
  
Realization dawns on Clarke.  
  
_"Oh my god, it_ **is** _super weird isn't it? She's the reason we broke up and then I call you up years later asking to be my midwife. I'm horrible."_  
  
Niylah puts down her clipboard and scoots up closer to Clarke.  
  
_"You're not Clarke. It was great to hear from you, and frankly, if I was going to lose you to someone I'm happy it was her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?"_  
  
Clarke is genuinely intrigued by the statement.  
  
_"I deal with a lot of couples every day. I've seen everything from people who shouldn't ever be having children to people who are madly in love. I don't think I've ever seen two people more right than the two of you. I mean it. I can sincerely admit I lost to that. No way I could ever compete with what you two have. You made the right choice and I'm happy for you. Honestly. So no, it's not_ **too** _weird. Just the right amount of weird."_  
  
Clarke’s eyes soften at Niylah’s kind words. Clarke did love her at one point. Clarke loved her and they made tremendously great memories together, but she doesn’t think she was ever _in love_ with Niylah. Not knowing what she knows now. Not when she understands how immense her feelings for Lexa’s are. Compared to that, she is aware she never thoroughly loved anyone before Lexa came along.  
  
_"Ugh you should've said something. You could've just hung up the phone. Told me to go to hell."_  
  
Niylah smiles at her.  
  
_"I could never tell Clarke Griffin to go to hell."_ Niylah leaves it at that because _'I love you and you're my One even though Lexa is yours'_ is something Niylah doesn’t consider exactly appropriate for their current situation. _"Really Clarke, it's okay. I'm here because I want to be. Even if I didn't, it's too late now. You're stuck with me."_

Niylah retorts (only in half) jest. 

_"You were always too good to me Niy."_

_“You were just as good to me Clarke. Better perhaps.”_

_“I’m glad you didn’t say no. I wouldn’t have felt this comfortable with anyone else.”_

_“I’m glad you called.”_

Before Clarke has a chance to say anything else, she hears the front door open briskly and subsequently being slammed shut. The sound of feet tromping down the hall follows. Clarke takes a deep breath.

_“Oh...she’s back...”_

Niylah giggles at Clarke’s faux excitement. Right at that moment the door swings wide and a severely out of breath Lexa bumbles into the nursery.

 _“Got them...didn’t know...what you wanted...six flavors.”_ Lexa lifts the bag in her hand to proudly show off the spoils of her trip without having to speak because there isn’t enough air in her lungs for her to say anything else at the moment. _“Did I...miss anything?”_

_“Still as pregnant as you left me two whole seconds ago Lex.”_

Clarke sniggers at the sight of her sweaty, gawky wife desperately trying to catch her breath hovering by the door with her hands on her knees. Lexa obviously just ran full speed up four flights of stairs instead of waiting for the elevator like any normal person would have and Clarke has a hard time believing this is what she’s stuck with for the rest of her life. Lexa is more than a handful, but Clarke wouldn’t trade her. For anything.

* * *

Clarke is convinced it's been about three years since she felt her water break in front of their fridge that morning but Lexa assures her it's only been forty five hours and thirteen minutes.  
  
Labor had been slow. Too slow. Way too slow but somehow no less painful. Clarke doesn't remember ever feeling pain like this. Ever. Clarke thought she knew what pain was but somehow every sharp, never-ending agonizing contraction proves her wrong. At this point, Clarke just wants it to stop. She's tired of feeling the baby move further down inside her but not come out. She's tired of being told to just be patient and let her body do the work. She's just...fucking tired.  
  
It's been her, Lexa, Niylah, and the assistant for the past fourteen hours or so. At some point Clarke kicked Octavia, Raven, and Anya out one final time because she hit her patience threshold. She couldn't deal with them - or anyone - anymore and she's been focusing on Lexa ever since. Despite being the one responsible for putting her in this situation, Lexa is the one person Clarke can deal with at the moment. Clarke’s not happy with Lexa, Lexa just happens to be the person Clarke finds to be the least irritating.  
  
Lexa looked different since her conversation with Anya. Lexa wouldn't be forthcoming as to why, but Clarke wasn't pressing her for information either because whatever Anya said was welcome. Clarke didn't have it in her to hold it together anymore. She was in pain and she was miserable and she just wanted that baby to vacate her premises immediately if not sooner.  
  
It was about five in the morning and all Clarke wanted to do was sleep but she couldn't so she was sitting in the warm water of the birthing pool that was set up in the nursery while Lexa kneeled next to it. Niylah and her assistant were in the living room napping because they had been up for almost as long as Clarke and Lexa.  
  
_"I hate you so fucking much for talking me into this. I should've known better."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're doing great."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Your definition of ‘great’ is a little fucked. There is a human supposed to be coming out of me but for some reason it refuses to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Just let yo..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you say 'let your body do it's thing' one more time Lexa. I swear..."_  
  
That makes Lexa stop talking and Clarke grips Lexa's hand as a new contraction picks up. When the surge of pain from the contraction subsides Clarke looks back up at Lexa and sees her crying.  
  
_"Lex. What? Did I squeeze too hard?"_  
  
Clarke looks at their intertwined hands horrified. Lexa lets out a wet laugh.  
  
_"No. No. Not at all."_  
  
Lexa tells Clarke before kissing her forehead and crying harder.  
  
_"I just...I hate seeing you like this and not being able to do anything about it. Especially because I was the one who wanted this. I'm sorry."_  
  
Clarke feels tears hit her forehead and in that moment she starts tearing up too.  
  
_"Look at me."_ Clarke asks and Lexa looks into her eyes. _"It sucks. It does. I won't lie about that. It fucking sucks and it hurts so fucking much but every time it gets almost unbearable I force myself to think about the fact that once this is over I get to give you the one thing you want more than anything and that makes me happy. So sure, I've hated you for the majority of the last two days but I also don’t think I’ve ever loved you more."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke like her words ignited a tempest inside her chest. Lexa can feel herself being consumed by the perfect and steadfast love she feels for the incredibly strong woman across from her.  
  
_"I love you. I do. I will probably feel otherwise when it's time to push, but that's just temporary. Probably."_  
  
Clarke laughs and Lexa cries more intensely.  
  
_"We're having a baby Lex. How crazy is that? You and me and a baby we made."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're having a baby."_ Lexa whispers and lets the words sink in for a moment. _"I've been told that if we can't pull this off humanity is apparently ‘fucked’."_ _  
_  
They both chuckle.  
  
_"That sounds like something Anya would say."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's because Anya said it."_  
  
Lexa sees the smile fade from Clarke's face and feels Clarke's grip tighten around her hand. A new contraction is starting.  
  
Lexa talks her through it and once it's over Clarke slumps back into the water. They're both silent for a moment until Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"That first night, after I almost burnt your place down and you screamed at me but I still didn’t take the hint and drunkenly waltzed into your room before you screamed at me again...did you ever think we'd end up here?"_

Lexa shakes her head remembering the illogicality of how they met.  
  
_"I know you guys have tried explaining it to me before, but I'll never understand how you_ _‘accidentally’ lit my backyard on fire when the party you were at was next door."_

 _  
_ _"I'm talented like that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Apparently you are. Let's hope it's not genetic."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"God Lex, if this baby grows up to be half as broody as you were and half as insane as I was we're in so much trouble."_  
  
They snicker again.  
  
_"I think we'll be fine."_  
  
They sit in silence thinking and waiting for the next contraction to come.  
  
_"I did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hmmm?"_  
  
Clarke hums.  
  
_"I knew we'd end up here. How could we not? The entire time I screamed at you all I could think about was how beautiful you were. I think you got me in the first five minutes of meeting you. I kind of knew you were about to flip my life upside down, but it's a good thing I didn't fight it as hard as I told myself I was."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm happy that is the one time you weren't as stubborn as I know you can be."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not stubborn."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure, Lex."_  
  
Another contraction comes and goes and they sit in comforting silence working through it.  
  
_"You feel inevitable to me Lexa. I can't imagine us not being here. No way. I think this is where we were supposed to be so I'm quite glad I set your grass on fire."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm glad you set my grass on fire too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you remember w-AH!"_  
  
Lexa feels Clarke squeeze her hand and watches her tense up. Something looks different about her this time though. This doesn't look like the other contractions Lexa has seen her have over the past few days.  
  
_"Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Get Niylah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why? What's wrong?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing. I don't think anything is wrong but I have a feeling your baby finally decided it's time we all meet."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh...? OOOH!"_  
  
Everything clicks in Lexa's head and before she has time to think too hard, Lexa bolts out of the room and into the living room to wake up Niylah.

* * *

It took Clarke another hour and twenty minutes to push the baby out, but she would've done it all over again right then and there if it meant hearing it cry for the first time.  
  
It was like Clarke was beaten in the chest by a truckload of emotions she wasn’t aware she was capable of feeling before this moment. That's how intense that instant was. Clarke knew she loved their baby, of course she did, but the magnitude of the extent became all too real the moment she touched it. She felt the baby before she saw it and when the wailing, vernix covered, tiny body was laid on her chest Clarke knew she was done for. It only took Clarke seconds to wonder how she could ever think her life would’ve been complete without this. Without being a mom.  
  
_"Do you want to have a peek Lexa?"_  
  
Niylah asks looking at Lexa as she dried the weeping baby on Clarke's stomach.  
  
_"Go on. Take a look."_  
  
Clarke urged her discombobulated wife as she rubbed her hands up and down the weeping and trembling baby's back.  
  
Lexa had devolved into a sobbing disaster about twenty minutes ago, but Clarke was positive she noticed the difference in her tears the moment Lexa found out what the baby was.  
  
Lexa grabbed their newborn's tiny wiggling foot and gently moved it aside so she could get a better look between its legs and that's when she knew.  
  
Clarke didn't even need to hear it said out loud because the look on Lexa's face said it all.  
  
_"Hi Costia. Happy birthday sweet girl."_  
  
Those were the first words Clarke said to her daughter between joyful sobs.  
  
Lexa rubbed the teeny toes between her fingers as she watched _her_ wife pepper _her_ daughter with small kisses all over her small body and Lexa swore that is the first moment she knew what happiness actually felt like.  
  
Watching the love of her life hold the baby they made, **_that_ ** was happiness, and Lexa never - _not ever_ \- wanted to go back to not knowing what that word truly meant.

Costia was hers. _Theirs_. No matter what, Lexa would never be alone anymore because as of a minute ago Lexa had a real family. She got the perfect family she always dreamed of. Lexa has lost so much throughout her life but she finally gained something.

Clarke is always giving her things. Lexa is constantly doing her best to show her gratitude for what she receives, but this is something she'll never know how to repay Clarke for. Not for this feeling. Not for making her a mom to the most beautiful baby girl she's ever laid eyes on. Lexa watches Clarke holding her daughter and she cries. She weeps because of this and an endless array of other things she couldn’t even begin to express. Clarke also cries. Costia cries too. But they're all happy tears. Only happy tears are shed on that day.  
  
Lexa would never say it aloud, but in her mind she was convinced her life truthfully started on Friday November 13, 2015 at 7:25AM when her first daughter Costia Abigail Griffin-Woods was born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	22. August 13, 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took a second, but don't hate me. Life and things got in the way. Eleven days is the longest (by A LOT) it's ever taken me to update. I can't say it won't ever happen again, but I will try my best not to. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**August 13, 2028**

_[11:58 PM]_  
  
Lexa leans back on her chair. Her expression is blank. The bags under her eyes dark. The look on the thirty nine year old’s face sickly. Across from her hundreds - if not thousands - of pictures of either Jake alone or family pictures he was a part of are strewn across every centimeter of her desk.

* * *

_[11:58 PM]_  
  
Clarke lays in bed curled up into herself with her knees digging painfully into her chest. Her sobs rattle her entire body. The thirty five year old bites on her balled fist to keep the screams that would otherwise pour out and echo around the apartment.

* * *

_[11:58 PM]_  
  
Costia holds a weeping Anya in her bed. Costia strokes her younger sister's hair and whispers reassuring things into her ear. Anya holds on to Costia as if her life depended on it.

* * *

_[11:59 PM]_  
  
Six year old Roa peacefully sleeps face down in her own bed.

* * *

_[11:59 PM]_  
  
Lexa is fidgety. Her leg starts to jump up and down. She stares at a particular picture on the pile. It's her and Jake. He's sitting on her shoulder while they stand soaked to the bone in the middle of a boat. Her mind starts to fill with memories of that day.

Lexa remembers how the water kept splashing on her face. She can vaguely hear the voice of the guide regurgitating facts about Niagara Falls. She recalls Jake being restless and curious and wanting to jump in the water as he always did whenever he saw anything deeper than a two inch puddle. Jake kept getting too close to the edge of the boat and perennially nervous Lexa grabbed him and perched him on her shoulders so she could keep track of him because that’s what she always did. Lexa went out of her way to protect him. Lexa always kept him safe except that she couldn’t when it counted most.

* * *

_[11:59 PM]_  
  
Clarke's head is buried in the toilet bowl. She dry heaves. Her gags are made worse by the violent sobbing she can't seem to control.

* * *

_[11:59 PM]_  
  
Twelve and a half year old Costia has held it together thus far, but as the seconds tick on heavy streams of tears begin to flow down her face as well. She holds Anya tighter and they both weep.  
  
The clock strikes midnight.  
  
_"Happy Birthday Jake."_

Anya whispers. The moment the words leave her mouth her wailing intensifies.

* * *

  _[12:00 AM]_  
  
The sound of someone stomping down the hallway and slamming the front door behind them echoes through the house.

* * *

_[12:01 AM]_  
  
Clarke walks into Anya’s room as she begins to check in on the girls after Lexa’s thunderous exit. Clarke expected them to be sleeping. The last thing Clarke assumed she would find was her daughters holding each other and blubbering.

Once Costia and Anya see Clarke at the door the magnitude of the sniveling coming from the bed exacerbates. Clarke rushes to the bed and joins her daughters. The girls cling to Clarke until exhaustion beats them and they fall asleep.

* * *

_[12:02 AM]_  
  
Lexa rests her head against the elevator wall trying to catch her breath. Her chest heaves up and down much quicker than normal. She is on the verge of hyperventilating. The elevator dings as it hits the ground floor and Lexa stumbles out of it craving the fresh air she will find once she steps onto the sidewalk.

* * *

_[07:13 AM]_  
  
Anya nervously shuffles in front of the front door for minutes before she gathers the courage to knock. It's early. Especially too early to be up on a Sunday, but she doubts anyone in that house is sleeping. Anya couldn't sleep either so she figured this was the best place to be.  
  
The door swings open after the second knock and her eleven year old niece stands on the other side with her messy dirty blonde hair poking out in every director and puffy blue eyes that indicate she was crying until fairly recently. Nana doesn’t hesitate to run into Anya's arms when she sees her standing in the hallway. Nana sobs uncontrollably and her sorrowful tears quickly stain her aunt's shirt.

Anya picks Nana up and the little girl instinctively wraps her arms around Anya’s neck and her legs around her waist. Anya carries her inside without saying anything. The two sit on the couch and being quite aware that she is not at all equipped to comfort a child, Anya waits for the little girl to calm down on her own.  
  
When Nana pacifies herself minutes later, Anya finally speaks.  
  
_"You okay?"_  
  
Nana nods and wipes her face with the back of her hands. Anya kisses her forehead and rubs Nana’s back in her best attempt to be comforting.  
  
_"Where is everyone?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ro is still asleep, Cos locked herself in her room, Momma was out most of the night so I think she's sleeping too, and Mommy is in the back painting."_  
  
Anya sighs.  
  
_"Have you eaten yet?"_  
  
Nana shakes her head against her aunt’s chest. Anya kisses her head and picks her up before heading for the kitchen.  
  
_"Let's get you fed."_

* * *

Anya sets Nana on the counter and moves around the kitchen with the familiarity of someone who has spent a lot of time in this home. Nana swings her legs as they dangle from the edge of the marble top. Neither of them says anything. They both stay in complete and comfortable silence while Anya cooks.  
  
In minutes Anya whips up enough cheesy scrambled eggs for everyone in the house. Anya serves a hefty amount on a plate for Nana along with fresh toast. Anya also sets out a pear and pours her niece some juice.  
  
_"I'm going to go talk to your mom."_  
  
Nana nods as she eats and watches her aunt turn towards the back part of the kitchen that leads to the laundry room turned home studio.

* * *

Clarke is painting. Clarke is crying. Clarke is painting while crying. Her brush strokes are purposeful. There is intent and meaning behind each of them. Clarke is creating a vibrant visual rhythm on that canvas with her movements.  
  
Unexpectedly, a hand taps her shoulder. Clarke is startled by the touch and the presence of someone else in the room with her. She turns and gasps before bringing her hand to her chest.  
  
_"It's good."_  
  
Anya points at the achromatic canvas. The colors on it are shades of white and black. It’s overwhelmingly grey, like Anya assumes Clarke feels on this particular day. The texture she was leaving behind with the thickness of the paint on the canvas was rough. It made the piece emotionally active, aesthetically dynamic, and gave it a very unique sense of depth.  
  
Clarke examines the canvas before looking back at Anya and - without being limited by any of the reservations Clarke would have had with and around her children - she is overcome. Anya watches the woman she has grown to consider something akin to a sister all but disintegrate in front of her. Clarke breaks down and all Anya can do is hold her. 

Anya takes moments to gather whatever coherent thought she can before she speaks.   
  
_"It's going to get easier. It will. I know it sounds like some self help, fake bullshit but I think it will. I'm sure it's not the same, but when our birther died...it sucked. For a while it did and then we kind of just...we learned to live with it I guess? I don't know. I'm not the person you want pep talking you, but it's going to be less shitty down the line. It has to."_  
  
Clarke clings harder to her sister-in-law.  
  
_"He was a good kid, Clarke. You guys did good."_  
  
Clarke let's out a stifled sob and her knees give out under the thousands of pounds they suddenly feel upon them. Anya supports her and guides them both towards the floor.  
  
_"I don't know what to fucking say. I wish I did. I wish I could...I'd switch places with him Clarke. Without even fucking thinking about it. I would. I'd take those bullets for him."_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
Clarke's voice is hoarse. Gravelly and low from the months of wear to her throat and vocal chords. Weeks where most of what she has done is cry and scream in impotence as soon as she can get away from prying eyes.

Clarke and Anya sit on the floor quietly until Clarke's breathing begins to even out.  
  
_"I hear Lexa was out most of the night."_  
  
Clarke straightens herself and slightly moves away from Anya giving her back some of the personal space she had infringed upon. Clarke wipes her face and nods to answer.  
  
_"She came home at like three."_ Clarke shrugs. _"I don't know. I feel like...I feel like she's not...present. She's here but she isn't. I don't know how to explain it."_  
  
_"You don't have to explain it. I was there after Costia died. I know. I saw how she got."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How did you fix it? How did you bring her back?"_

Clarke asks promptly sounding almost hopeful that Anya may hold the evasive solution she has failed at finding.   _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't. I never figured it out. You fucking did. Lexa kind of...existed until you showed up. That was all you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Great. We have to get her a new girlfriend then."_  
  
Clarke says in a weak attempt to lighten up the conversation.  
  
_"Seemed to do the trick last time. Do you have a sister you could introduce her to?"_  
  
Clarke nudges Anya gently and chuckles almost imperceptibly before staring at the floor. Anya plays with her thumbs for a lack of a better thing to do with her hands.  
  
_"I don't know what to do. She feels like a stranger to me most of the time these days."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She went through a lot. She...Lexa was there. With him and..."_  
  
Tears roll down Clarke's face and she nods when Anya can't finish the sentence.  
  
_"Yeah. I know. Yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a lot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm going to give her time. I am. I'm not giving up on her Anya. I want you to know that."_  
  
_"Never thought you were."_ Anya fiddles with the hem of her jeans. _"You two get on my nerves sometimes, but it's because what you have is the real deal. It's movie type shit. I know you have my sister's back. You always have. You're the only person I trust her with."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love her. So much."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. She's all I fucking got Clarke."_ Anya scratches the side of her face trying to find her words. _"It was only me and her before you came along. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that kid. I could've...I could've turned out like the woman who birthed us, but knowing someone had to look after Lexa kept me straight. I've seen her get through some shit. She'll figure this out too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We can look after her together."_ _  
_  
_"We always have."_  
  
Clarke and Anya look at each other and nod. They sit in silence for long minutes.  
  
_"You got your own friends and I'm pretty fucking useless at this heart to heart shit, but if you ever need anything...I...we...you..."_  
  
Anya trails off not know what else to say.  
  
_"It’s always good to be reminded that Lexa's emotional stuntedness is genetic."_

Clarke interjects saving Anya from having to find a way to finish the sentence and smiles faintly. Anya flips her off while faking a grimace.  
  
_"I take it back. You’re on your own Griffin."_  
  
Clarke snickers before turning to Anya and looking at her with soft, appreciative eyes.  
  
_"Thank you. I know."_  
  
Clarke sounds more serious. She thanks Anya for the offer, for everything. That's all they need to say. They've said all that matters. After a few seconds Anya gets up and extends her hand to help Clarke up.  
  
_"I'm going to go drag her ass out of bed. I made eggs. Barely edible, but they're there. Eat."_  
  
Clarke nods. Anya leaves the room. Clarke inhales and exhales deeply before she turns back to her canvas and stares at it.

* * *

Anya walks into the master bedroom and finds Lexa laying on the bed, gazing vacantly at the ceiling.  
  
_"I guess that saves me the trouble of having to wake you up."_  
  
Lexa does not reply, but turns her back to the entrance. Anya sighs and closes the door behind her.  
  
_"Don't. Anya. Don't."_  
  
Lexa grumbles when she feels the bed dip behind her.  
  
They sit in silence. The sounds of the city waking below them fill the room in the time Anya tries to decipher what would be the appropriate thing to say.  
  
_"I know you miss him and..."_  
  
Lexa groans frustrated and sits up on the bed making to stand up.  
  
_"I said don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can you fucking relax?"_ Lexa stands and begins to walk away. _"Come on!"_  
  
Anya gripes exasperated. After some moments of hesitation Lexa sits back down on the bed.  
  
_"Did Clarke send you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I almost gave Clarke a heart attack a little while ago. She didn't know I was coming, so no she didn't send me."_ Anya pauses. _"I couldn't sleep. Figured you guys wouldn't be sleeping either."_ _  
_  
Lexa, satisfied with the answer, slides her body further into the bed. She sits up resting her back against the headboard. Lexa looks straight ahead never turning to acknowledge her sister's presence. Anya takes her shoes off and mimics Lexa's position.  
  
_"I know..."_  
  
Lexa cuts Anya off before she can continue.  
  
_"You don't Anya. You really don't know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, okay. I guess you're right. I don't know. None of us do. We can't even try if you don't talk to anyone though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't possibly get it."_  
  
The bustling sounds of horns being honked and breaks being screeched suffuse the space when their words fail to. It takes Anya minutes to gather her next thoughts.  
  
_"I wasn't his mom. I wasn't there. I can't pretend to be you Lexa, but he was your kid and you're my sister. You're more important to me than anything which means he was too. All your brats are important to me."_ Anya let's the words linger affording Lexa and opportunity to process. _"You're family. I take care of you and you take care of me, remember? It fucking sucks to see you guys like this. I don't know how to fix it but if you talked to me maybe I could."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't fix this Anya. Not this time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Probably not, but we could make it...less shitty. I don't know."_ Anya looks ahead and inhales loudly. _"I don't know Lexa. Trying feels better than giving up."_  
  
Lexa doesn't respond. The sisters exist next to each other quietly. It's all Anya can do to be there for Lexa today.  
  
They stay like that until the rest of the house wakes up and muffled voices can be heard outside the door.  
  
_"I made those shitty cheesy eggs you liked growing up."_  
  
Lexa remains mute.  
  
_"I have to go in to work for a few hours. Lewis hurt his back and we're a man short for the big back to school shipment we have to get out. I'll be back after. Yeah?"_  
  
Lexa continues to be still and quiet.  
  
_"Okay then you fucking prick.”_ Anya tells Lexa absolutely more lovingly than insulting. _“I'll see you this afternoon."_  
  
Anya leans in and hugs her sister without getting any reciprocity. Anya allows the hug to linger before she lets go. She gets off the bed, puts her shoes on, and without adding anything else she leaves the room. Seconds later Lexa can hear Roa screaming in excitement when she sees her aunt.  
  
Lexa remains in that exact same position until she all but runs out moments after Clarke walks into the room about an hour later to clean the paint off herself and get ready for the day ahead of them.

* * *

_"Hey."_  
  
Clarke - fresh out of the shower with damp hair and lavender infused skin - steps into the home office where Lexa lays despondent on the corner couch. Lexa doesn't answer or move.  
  
_"My mom called. I totally forgot her and Kane are coming over with lunch. They're heading over in a little bit. O and Linc are swinging by later with the kids. Rae will join when she's done with some conference call she has to be a part of. Do you want me to run you a warm bath? You definitely have time before everyone gets here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to see anyone."_  
  
Clarke moves fully into the office closing the door behind her. She walks to the couch, lifts Lexa's feet, sits down, and places them across her lap. Once she’s situated, Clarke tenderly runs her hands up and down Lexa's legs.  
  
_"It would be good to have family around today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to see anyone, Clarke."_  
  
Lexa reiterates more commanding this time. Her words sounds definitive.  
  
_"I think the girls could use the distraction."_  
  
Lexa forcefully yanks her legs from Clarke's hands and in one swift motion sits up, stands off the couch, and moves towards the door.  
  
_"You can have a party without me."_

Clarke exhales loudly.  
  
_"It's not a party Lexa. They're just coming over with food. They want to spend the day with us."_  
  
That doesn't stop Lexa who pulls the door open and leaves the office. Clarke follows closely behind.

* * *

Lexa trudges towards the front door. She moves to grab her keys from the hook when the family portrait that hangs across from the door catches her eye.  
  
A low, guttural sound gets caught in Lexa’s throat. She has come to find that photograph beyond intolerable. Lexa finds the thing execrating now. She's taken it down several times since she returned home for good after Anya kicked her out, yet somehow it always finds its way back to the wall.  
  
Lexa impetuously rips the frame from the wall.  
  
_"What are you doing?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This..."_ Lexa holds up the snapshot of their family at a happier time. _"...this is a lie. This isn't who we are anymore."_ _  
_  
Lexa opts for a more permanent solution to the problem this time. Instead of simply removing the picture from the wall, Lexa smashes it against the floor. The frame and the glass split apart the second it makes contact with the flooring. Once it's free from the wood and glass that previously held it in place, Lexa snatches the print from amongst the debris and rips it in half. Both pieces fall to the ground unceremoniously.  
  
Lexa and Clarke stare at each other. Thousands of words find themselves stuck in both their throats. Words that refuse to come out. Words that if spoken would equate to dousing each other in accelerant and lighting a match. Instead of speaking those words, Clarke and Lexa look at each other and swallow them. They can’t articulate their feelings, but they can't stand there either. Lexa can't handle looking at Clarke's eyes like this. Not when they've seemingly turned grey. The color and life they once held, now gone. It’s almost as if the light that used to burn scorchingly hot and incandescently bright inside her - the light that Lexa fell in love with seconds after meeting her - had been snuffed out. Lexa needed something, anything, else to do besides looking at her wife and when her scanning eyes come across another picture of Jake she suddenly finds the perfect excuse she needs to avoid feeling the near asphyxiating pressure on her chest.  
  
Lexa tromps over to the table in the center of the living room, the one that was covered in art books and still images of them throughout the years. Each snap captured a moment of pristine happiness. Nothing but smiles and joy and innocence. It was everything they no longer were and what they would never be anymore. Lexa couldn't deal with being confronted by that. Not today. Not ever.  
  
Lexa grabs a frame that held a picture of Jake, Anya, and Roa at Disney. She thrusts it towards the ground, the impact causing glass to fly everywhere.  
  
_"That's also a lie. And this one?"_ Lexa holds up a picture of the six of them dressed to the nines at one of Kane's fundraising galas. _"That's fucking bullshit too."_

Lexa chucks the picture against the thick elm table. It splinters with a bang. _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa."_ _  
_  
Clarke tries to placate Lexa. Clarke's immediate goal is to find a way to end the outburst because the girls were in the house and they would surely hear them. Lexa didn’t seem to care about that.

* * *

Anya closes her eyes as the screaming reaches Costia’s room. She rests her head against her older sister’s shoulder. Costia places her noise cancelling, over-ear headphones around Roa's head and turns up the volume of the cartoons playing on the iPad the youngest girl brought with her a while ago.  
  
_"Why are mommy and momma fighting again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They're not. They're not fighting. They're just trying to figure out lunch Ro. It's no big deal. Promise."_  
  
Roa innocently believes her sister because Costia has never given her a reason not to trust her. Roa gets pulled back into the cartoons. She absentmindedly chuckles at something happening on the screen and forgets about everything unfolding around her.  
  
The sound of the second frame shattering jolts Anya. Costia grabs her hand to comfort her. When the third frame hits the floor and she feels her sister jump again, Costia has had enough. Within seconds she's off the bed and trying to move toward the door. Anya pulls Costia's arm towards her and squeezes her hand.  
  
_"Cos, please. Don't make it worse. Leave it."_  
  
Costia slips her hand from her sister's grip and practically runs out of the room.

* * *

Costia comes across her mothers instants after Lexa destroys a frame holding a picture of the six of them against the table.  
  
Costia had no intention of screaming. That's not what she planned on doing, but when Cosia turned the corner from the hallway into the open living room and saw Lexa holding a picture of her and Jake, the one Clarke took during Jake’s fourth birthday party after blowing candles devolved into a frosting smearing disaster, Costia did just that. Costia screamed before she could register what was happening because Lexa was seconds away from smashing a picture of her and **_her_ ** brother. Lexa was about to destroy one of Costia's own memories and fragment it across the floor like the handful of other frames already scattered around the room.  
  
_"Lexa, stop!"_  
  
Costia doesn't know where it comes from. She's never called Lexa anything but "Momma" before. Clarke was "Mommy" and Lexa was "Momma". It's how it always was. But without warning something changed. Calling Lexa that doesn't feel right anymore. It's felt foreign for a while now. Costia doesn't know when she started feeling this way, but here she was, finding the name spilling from her mouth. Somehow Costia didn't regret it.  
  
Clarke and Lexa had been too engrossed to notice another person had joined them. They had no idea Costia had walked out and their heads whip in surprise when they hear another voice.  
  
Costia, Clarke, and Lexa speak briskly and emphatically over each other.  
  
_"Cos."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What did you call me?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cos, go back to your room."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They can hear you! I know you might not give a shit Lexa, but I do."_  
  
Lexa darts over to Costia. Within seconds mother and daughter are mere inches apart. They glare at each other.  
  
_"What did you call me?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa. That's your name, isn't it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not for you it isn't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok...Lexa."_ Costia retorts recalcitrant.  
  
_"Don't push me Costia."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Or what...Lexa?"_  
  
Costia drives her point further. Clarke senses how quickly this is escalating and steps between them pushing them apart.  
  
_"Enough. Enough!"_  
  
Neither of them budges. Clarke turns to the one she believes will be easier to subdue.  
  
_"Cos, what the hell has gotten into you lately?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm over Lexa's crap."_  
  
Lexa takes a step closer to Costia once more. Clarke pushes Lexa to back away but her and Costia don't take their eyes off each other. Clarke turns back to her daughter.  
  
_"Costia, to your room. Now. We're talking about this little stunt later."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Give me my photo."_  
  
Costia ignores Clarke and points at the photo in Lexa's hand. Lexa glowers motionless.  
  
_"Give me my photo Lexa!"_ Costia repeats herself when Lexa doesn't react.  
  
_"Don't call me that."_  
  
Lexa snarls at her daughter before she grinds her teeth and locks her jaw.  
  
_"I'll call you what I want to call you. Give me my photo!"_  
  
_"Costia, I need you to go back to your room."_  
  
Clarke pushes Costia’s shoulder trying to get her to move back down the hallway but she is not budging. Lexa and Costia remain unmoved.  
  
_"That is my photo with him. Give it to me."_  
  
Costia takes a step towards Lexa. Clarke moves closer to Costia keeping her in place.  
  
_"Costia, I'm not asking you again. Room. Now!"_  
  
_"Tell Lexa to give me the frame."_  
  
Lexa snaps losing what little remaining self control she had as a result of Costia repeating her name yet again and with every single bit of force in her body she propels the frame against the ground. The frame and the glass inside it explode as they burst into tiny little pieces.  
  
_"Don't call me that! I'm your mother not one of your friends."_  
  
Costia surveys the damage on the floor and her chest fills with contempt.  
  
_"I hate you."_ Costia grits through her teeth looking back up at her mother. _"She's my mom. Not you. I_ **hate** _you."_  
  
Lexa's brow furrows as she recoils with the weight of the words leaving Costia’s mouth. Costia moves around Clarke stepping toward the glass and picks through pieces of the wrecked frame to find the print. As she digs, Costia cuts her hand on a shard of glass and blood starts to drip from her palm onto the floor. Clarke instantly notices.  
  
_"Cos. Let me see."_  
  
Clarke takes a step toward Costia but Costia reels back at the touch. She grabs the picture and before she walks away she addresses Lexa with as much venom as a human can possibly infuse words with.  
  
_"I fucking hate you Lexa."_  
  
Costia runs out of the room leaving Clarke and Lexa alone. Clarke pivots to Lexa.  
  
_"That was so unnecessary. You didn't need to do that."_  
  
Lexa doesn't say a word to Clarke. Lexa can't even look at Clarke in that moment. Instead she swivels on her heels, walks the few feet to the hook that holds her key in record time prior to opening the door and slamming it her.  
  
Clarke closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths to collect herself. She opens her eyes and bends down to begin the process of cleaning up the mess of debris that Lexa has left behind.

* * *

Abby sits in the living room with the girls while Clarke zooms by every so often keeping herself busy picking up things around the house. Clarke knows that if she's doing something, however menial it may be, her brain is busy and she can keep it from wandering.

* * *

Clarke moves around the play room tidying up in anticipation of more children coming over shortly. Kane pokes his head into the room.  
  
_"You could let me do that and go sit."_  
  
Clarke turns and smiles weakly at the stepfather she has come to love.  
  
_"It's okay. I know where everything goes. Thanks though."_  
  
Clarke throws a handful of toys into the trunk that sits in the corner and lines up some of the dolls on top of the shelf bolted onto the wall by the window. Kane steps into the room and walks to Clarke. He grabs her by the shoulders.  
  
_"We're worried about you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm fine. Just a lot to do before everyone gets here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"'I'm fine' is the same thing your mom says when she's not fine."_  
  
Kane smiles at her and Clarke chuckles softly.  
  
_"Really, I am."_  
  
Clarke attempts to be as convincing as she can.  
  
_"I've known you since the day you were born. You might want to try harder than that."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.  
  
_"Your mom thinks you're not giving yourself a chance to grieve properly. She's concerned."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm f..."_ Clarke catches herself before she finished the sentence. _"She doesn't need to worry."_ _  
_  
_"You're taking care of everyone, but how are you taking care of you?"_  
  
Clarke shrugs and inhales deeply.  
  
_"I have to prioritize things."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know it might seem selfish to you, but if you don't take care of yourself then the people you’re trying to protect will be worse off."_  
  
Clarke sighs.  
  
_"I know.”_ Clarke runs her hands through her hair and sighs anew. _“I'm trying. I am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Have you guys considered therapy?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I've been looking into it. I know we all need it, but every time I bring it up to Lexa she acts like I said something offensive and leaves."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How is she? How are things with her?"_  
  
Clarke scoffs and shakes her head.  
  
_"The same? Bad? Good all things considered?"_ Clarke mulls over her answers for a beat. _"I don't know."_ Clarke finally locks her eyes with Kane and he sees the façade she tries so hard to keep intact crumble to bits. _"I honestly don't know."_ _  
_  
Kane pulls Clarke in for a hug. Clarke instantly wraps her arms around him desperately needing the comfort he's offering. Kane strokes her head and for an instant Clarke can pretend she's in her father's arms. As hesitant as she was at first to learn her mother was marrying her father's best friend, he really was great to Abby and to her. Clarke loved Kane and she was thankful for how happy he made her mother and how beyond incredible he was with the kids, but despite all that, there's nothing she wouldn't give for him to be her father right now. She could really use one of his wise speeches at this precise moment.  
  
The doorbell rings in the distance. Footsteps move from the living room to the front door and within seconds the joyful screams of cousins meeting cousins reverberate through the apartment. Octavia and Lincoln have undoubtedly arrived.  
  
Clarke takes a deep, stabilizing breath and moves away from Kane.  
  
_"I should go help with lunch."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No one would think any less of you if you needed a break or help with the kids or around the house. You know that, right? Your mom and I would gladly do so. I'm sure any of your friends would too."_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"I know."_ Clarke kisses Kane's cheek. _"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke tells him sincerely before moving past him and towards the door. Before she exits the room Kane can see Clarke compose herself and stand a little taller. He can assume she even managed to force a smile on her face because that's who Clarke was as of late. She was only vulnerable when her children couldn't see.

* * *

After driving around aimlessly for hours and until long after the sun had gone down, Lexa walks into the cramped office in the back of the dugout and behind the locker room of their home field.

All the coaches for the teams that played there shared the space and it was certainly filled to the brim with more things that seemed necessary. There was a single desk stacked with game plans, stats, and rosters for all the boys that formed the different divisions. The walls were covered in current and past pictures of the teams. Lexa steers clear of those frames in an attempt to avoid coming across one of the several team pictures where Jake could be found smiling gleefully. She's only there for one reason and she has no intention of being distracted from it.

Lexa heads for the desk and opens the top drawer, the one that has the set of keys she needs. Lexa grabs the keys, exits the office, and heads for the room on the opposite side of the lockers.

Lexa opens the door to what serves as their equipment room. Inside there's dozens upon dozens of bats, balls, gloves, uniforms, and other random things that have found it’s way in there through the years. Lexa steps over messy piles of discarded gear heading towards the stack of boxes with _"Coach Griffin-Woods. Do Not Touch!"_ scribbled on them.  
  
Lexa stands across from the boxes not daring to touch them even though it's her own name written on there. She leans against one of the cages holding gear, crosses her arms against her chest, and brings her right hand to rub her eyes. Lexa sighs and runs her left hand through her hair.

Lexa knows what's packed inside the boxes but she hasn't had the courage to look inside them yet. Those boxes hold the biggest gift she would have given to Jake for his ninth birthday. She ordered all of this months ago and the shipment arrived the week before Jake died. Today should have been the day Lexa would be telling him what his main surprise was, instead it's all sitting here, in unopened boxes.  
  
Instead of opening them, Lexa moves towards them and carries the first two boxes out. She comes back five more times before all the boxes are cleared out.

* * *

Lexa opens the trunk of the SUV and picks up the first of the boxes she had stacked next to it. She places it in the spacious cargo area. When she picks up the second one, the weakened and damp cardboard bottoms out and the contents fall on the ground.  
  
Fourteen brand new gloves and cleats engraved with each player's name stare back at Lexa. Lexa sighs, puts the box down, and she begins to pick them up. She goes through seven gloves before she comes across the one engraved with his name. _"J. Griffin-Woods"_ is etched into the side of the leather. Lexa runs her fingers over the letters that form his name.    
  
Lexa had put a lot of thought into Jake's big gift that year. Lexa had spent hours thinking about what to get him and discussing it with Clarke but nothing felt right. She got her answer during one of the last games he played before his injury. Right before the game started, Lexa saw Jake give away his glove to a boy of the opposite team whose own glove was in tatters. It wasn't the first time Jake had gifted his bat or glove or cleats to someone in his team or a friend from another team. A significant amount of the kids they played with or against were low income which meant Jake was one of the few players who always had everything he needed when he needed it and who had gear in pristine condition. It was often a hassle to go buy Jake a bat or shoes last minute before a game when Lexa found out he had given his away, but it never truly bothered her because above whatever minor inconvenience it might have presented, Jake’s selflessness made Lexa insanely proud of her boy. Lexa understood how important this team was to Jake and she decided that he would love nothing more than for his birthday to be used as an excuse to give everyone a gift. Lexa knew it would make Jake's day if during his party he was given the ability to distribute new gear to all his friends. That is something Lexa wanted to do for him and a few days later she found herself making custom orders for everything the boys in the team would need. Lexa decided to buy new uniforms, bats, gloves, cleats, and gear bags for all fourteen boys on his age division. Every piece would have their names sewn or engraved on it to prevent them from getting lost or misplaced. She made sure they would arrive before Jake's birthday because she wanted everyone to walk out of Jake's party with the surprise. Lexa knew he would be over the moon about that. Instead of a day full of laughs and gifts, Lexa finds herself in a dark parking lot with boxes full of things Jake never knew existed. All these items could have a home and be used. Everything except for those that were engraved #12 and "Griffin-Woods". That uniform would never be worn. The bat would never hit another homerun. The glove would never be used to catch a ball. All the other boys she had bought this for were alive except for her little boy and that ate Lexa up inside.  
  
Lexa scans the the gloves and shoes on the floor and the boxes around her. She studies the glove in her hand. She runs her thumb over Jake's initials once more and everything her son will never be abruptly hits her. In a burst of impulsivity Lexa walks back to the car and searches through the arm rest and glove compartment for the lighter she know must be hiding somewhere in there. When she eventually finds one, she walks back to the back of the car towards the line of boxes. She opens them hastily to find the one that held the brand new uniforms she had designed for the team. Lexa finds them in the third box she opens. Within seconds whatever uniform that rested on top is ablaze. The rest are soon engulfed. Lexa takes the gloves that were on the floor and she adds them to the burning box. The cleats follow. She rests the gear bags around them and the flames soon spreads to those. The last thing that joins the scalding pyre are the bats.  
  
Within fifteen minutes all the boxes and it's contents are enveloped. Lexa rests against the car, completely stoic, watching what she once hoped would be Jake's favorite birthday present ever go up in smoke. Lexa grips tightly onto the only thing that wasn't added to the fire. Lexa holds Jake's would be glove in her hand as she ogles at the fire.  
  
Once the flames begins to ease as the things that fed it are turned to ashes Lexa closes the trunk, gets in the car, and drives away leaving the charred remains in the parking lot.

* * *

Lexa pulled up to the crooked side gate she's become accustomed to jimmying open since Anya introduced her to it a few weeks ago.  
  
Lexa walks the distance to Jake's grave. As she comes across it, she sees various bouquets of fresh flowers. Evidently several people must have come to visit him today.  
  
Quite undignified and without much finesse, Lexa walks up to the headstone and places the pristine glove on top of Jake grave. It joined the now weathered one that the girls had left for him during the funeral.  
  
Lexa stays only long enough to mumble a _"Happy Birthday Jay"_ before turning around and walking back to the car.

* * *

Lexa opens the door to the apartment and the first thing she's confronted with is the family portrait she had torn just hours ago. It's freshly printed, bigger in size, and in a brand new frame. Lexa feels a growl forming at the bottom of her throat. She walks up to it but before she has a chance to properly process what her reaction should be, a voice interrupts her.  
  
_"Don't you dare touch it."_  
  
Lexa turns to find Clarke sitting on the couch sketching on one of her pads. Her eyes are glued to whatever she's drawing. Clarke doesn't need to look at Lexa to know what she was thinking. Lexa obstinately moves closer to the portrait without acknowledging Clarke’s warning.  
  
_"Lexa..."_ Clarke finally raises her eyes looking at her wife resolutely. _"Don't. Do not."_  
  
Clarke's voice is unwavering. She moves the sketchpad next to her placing it face down blocking whatever she was drawing and glares coldly at Lexa.

Lexa turns and their eyes meet. A wordless argument unfolds between the two. Lexa doesn't have the energy for it. She locks her jaw and moves towards the back of the apartment.  
  
_"I needed you here today."_  
  
Clarke speaks to Lexa as she walks past the couch.  
  
_"Evidently we don't always get what we want, Clarke."_  
  
Lexa replies dryly and without hesitation while she heads non stop towards her home office. Clarke hears the door close and lock behind Lexa.  
  
Clarke picks up her sketchpad moving it to her lap once more. With near perfect likeness, the portrait depictions of Lexa and Jake smile back at Clarke. They are drawn in black and white and they’re so lifelike that they seem as if they could pop from the image on the paper at any second. Clarke brings her pencil back to the page and resumes shading their faces.  
  
Clarke can't exactly remember what memory this is or if she's imagining this moment, but it doesn't really make a difference. She has been known to draw the things she craves the most and right now, tonight, those two smiles are what Clarke misses in more ways than there are stars in the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	23. 1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me last chapter: "Geez! Eleven days...how awful of me. Never again!"  
> Me, now, fifteen days later: *Game Of Throne's chant* Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!
> 
> I have no excuse. None. Just take the chapter and hate me all you want :p 
> 
> I want to say the next one won't take as long but we saw how well I shoved my foot in my mouth last time so I won't make any promises. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**1997**

_"Are we gonna come out soon?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shhh...she'll find us."_  
  
Jake shushes Clarke while she sits atop his lap inside the dark closet. They listen attentively as Abby moves around the house. When they believe the sounds of her steps move further away Clarke whispers again.  
  
_"I think we're going to beat them this time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think so too."_  
  
In a matter of seconds the door swings wide open and light floods the previously dark space. On the other side a very pregnant Abby Griffin looks at them and smiles. Her face looks older than her thirty eight years should give away, but long and arduous shifts as a surgeon in one of New York City’s biggest hospitals can have that effect on you.  
  
_"You guys are terrible at hiding."_ Abby points out. The five year old girl grouses disappointed and Jake laughs at her reaction. _"You're also awful at being quiet."_  
  
Abby moves away from the door giving her tall and broad-shouldered husband space to stand and exit the small, cramped space. Jake does in one swift and clean motion taking Clarke with him.  
  
_"That's her fault!"_  
  
Jake points out throwing Clarke under the bus without any remorse. Clarke looks at him almost offended.  
  
_"Not!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It is."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not my fault Daddy!"_  
  
_"It..."_ Jake kisses her. Clarke squirms as she giggles. _"...so..."_ Jake adds tickling to the kisses. Clarke laughs even louder. _"...is."_

Clarke manages to get away from her father and runs out of the room giggling and screaming. Abby and Jake laugh as they watch her go.  
  
Jake walks up to his wife beaming and places his hand on her stomach. He leans in to kiss her.  
  
_"You found us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You hide in the same place every time. I'm running out of ways to stretch it out by now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She likes the closet."_ Jake shrugs and runs his hands over Abby's stomach. _"I just roll with it. How are you feeling?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. I think he's about ready to come out any moment now. I haven't felt him move today. I think his quarters are getting pretty cramped."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can't wait to meet you. Sorry you're squeezed in there."_ _  
_  
Jake leans down and kisses Abby's stomach. Clarke runs back into the run.  
  
_"Mom, can we got a snack?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Get, baby girl. It's get."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Only if you give Wells seven kisses."_  
  
Jake bargains with her.  
  
_"Why seven?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One for each way you're going to be a great big sister."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's seven?!"_  
  
Clarke asks him shocked.  
  
_"Oh yeah. Do you know what they are?"_  
  
Clarke thinks hard for a beat but shakes her head when she can't come up with an answer.  
  
_"No."_

Jake kneels so he can be at eye level with his daughter. _  
_ _  
_ _"I can tell you but you have to help me count."_  
  
For some reason Clarke had always struggled with her numbers. She figured out the alphabet years ago and seemed pretty in tune with the average development for kids her age, except for counting. That one she never really got right and Jake took every opportunity he found to help her practice.  
  
_"Okay!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What do we start with?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good job kiddo. So the first reason you're going to be a great big sister is because you are...strong. You can help your mom and I with Wells if we ever need it."_  
  
Clarke nods excited.  
  
_"I will!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know you can. What comes after one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Two!"_  
  
Clarke shows him her thumb and index finger.  
  
_"That's right. The second reason you're going to be a good big sister is because you're smart. You can teach him all the things you learned before him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can."_  
  
Clarke beams self-assured as she leans against her mother's leg. Abby runs her hands over Clarke's head trying to tame the mess of blonde that sits atop it.  
  
_"What number is next?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Four."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nope. What comes after two? You know this kiddo."_  
  
Clarke looks at her hands and begins to count her fingers in silence.  
  
_"Free!"_

Clarke had never quite gotten the pronunciation of that one and they gave up correcting her because they figured she would eventually come around to it on her own.  
  
_"There you go!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The third reason you're going to be a good big sister is because you're patient."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I am."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, not really."_ Jake chuckles. _"But I know you'll learn to be with your brother."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_ Clarke nods fervently. _"I patient."_ _  
_  
_"What's after three? You just said it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhmmmmm...four?"_ Clarke asks hesitantly.  
  
_"Yes! You’re killing it today!"_ Jake raises his hand for a high five and Clarke slams her little palm against his. _"The fourth reason you're going to be the best big sister ever is because you're compassionate."_  
  
_"Pamsionate."_ Abby and Jake laugh at the savage butchering of the word. _"I don't know what that means."_ _  
_  
_"Com-pa-ssio-nate."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Conshonut."_  
  
Jake chuckles.  
  
_"Close enough."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What does conunsate mean daddy?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It means that you worry about others and you're nice to them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oooooh..."_ Clarke replies amazed. _"Yeah. I conshinate."_  
  
_"You want to know the next reason you're going to be a super awesome big sister?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're going to have to catch me then."_  
  
As soon as the last word leaves his mouth, Jake takes off running towards the door and leaves the room. Clarke shrieks and giggles loudly before going after him. Abby rolls her eyes and waddles after them trying to keep up as best as her thirty nine week pregnant stomach will allow her.

* * *

Jake runs around the living room twice with Clarke on his tail. The third time he circles the table, he finally let's Clarke "catch" him. They fall onto the carpet, ending up lodged between the coffee table and the couch. They rustle against both as Clarke shrieks in excitement and pure joy. By the time Abby walks in, she finds Jake flat on his back on the floor and Clarke sitting on his chest with her tiny hands holding his hands.  
  
_"I get him mommy!"_ _  
__  
__"I can see that."_  
  
Abby moves to the couch next to them and sits. Clarke bounces up and down on Jake's chest and he groans in tune to her jumping but doesn't complain.  
  
_"Careful baby. You're constricting his airway when you do that."_  
  
Abby tells her daughter as if she was talking to one of her adult patient.  
  
_"Oh."_  
  
Clarke doesn’t truly understand what it means but she can assume it means she should stop so she settles.  
  
_"You okay daddy?"_  
  
Clarke looks at him concerned that she hurt him. Jake smiles attempting to calm her.  
  
_"I am kiddo. I'm tough."_ _  
__  
__"You're strong daddy."_ _  
__  
__"I am. Just like you."_ Jake pokes her in the stomach and Clarke giggles. _"You wanna know what else you are?"_ Clarke nods. _"Ok, but you gotta tell me what comes after four."_  
  
_"Five!"_  
  
Clarke almost rams her open palm against Jake's face proudly showing her five extended fingers.  
  
_"That's right. The fifth reason you're going to be a good big sister is because you're loyal."_ _  
__  
__"What's that?"_ _  
__  
__"That means you stick by the people you love no matter what and you always care for them. Remember when Rocky was sick and you slept next to his bed the entire time and you wouldn't go to your room until you saw him all happy and wagging his tail again? That's what being loyal is."_ _  
__  
__"I am that."_  
  
Clarke nods in agreement.

 _"Alright. What's next?"_  
  
Clarke looks at her hands trying to figure out the numbers but seems stuck.  
  
_"You want to count out loud? Maybe that will help you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One."_ Clarke begins to fold her fingers over in tune with the counting. _"Two. Four."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. You just said it. What comes after two?"_ _  
_  
Clarke thinks hard trying to remember what she said earlier.  
  
_"Free."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Awesome! What's next?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Four. Five."_  
  
Clarke is stumped by the next number so Jake extends his hand and counts his fingers.  
  
_"One, two, three, four, five, and s..."_ He gives Clarke time to figure it out. _"Siiiii..."_  
  
_"Six!"_  
  
Jake wraps his arms around her pulling her close to him and covering her with kisses.  
  
_"My smart girl."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Reason number six."_ He gives her a hard kiss on the cheek which squishes her face. _"You are honest. You always say what's on your mind and even though I'm sure that will cause more than one argument between the two of you, it also means you guys will have nothing to hide from each other."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I tell baby brudder all the things. He'll be my best friend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know he will."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Last one. What's the number after six?"_ _  
_  
_"I don't know."_  
  
Clarke pouts and looks down at her hands clearly dejected.  
  
_"Hey."_ Jake lifts her chin up so she can look at him. _"Remember reason number one? You're smart. Of course you know this. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. What's next?"_  
  
Clarke raises her shoulders in a shrug.  
  
_"Come on kiddo. You don't give up on things. Help me count."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One. Two. Help me."_ Jake pressed when Clarke wasn't joining. _"Three."_ Clarke echoed his counting. _"Four. Five. Six. And...sev..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Seven!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Told you you could do it! Ready to know the last reason?"_ Clarke nods with enthusiasm. _"Reason number seven that you're going to be the best big sister a daddy has ever seen is because of how you love. You..."_ Jake kisses her. _"You love so hard and so deep. More than anyone I've met in my entire old life and I know that little boy is going to be so lucky to have you looking after him. I'm lucky that you're my baby girl and someday some boy will swoop in and be very lucky to call you his wife. Then some babies will be crazy fortunate to call you their mommy. Also please stick to that order and not until you're like fifty or something."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Boys are gross. Babies too. When I grow up I want to be a doctor like mommy so I don't need a boyfriend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's the best news I've ever heard. I'm reminding you of that one in a few years."_ _  
_  
Abby chuckles from the couch.  
  
_"You know, the thing in mommy's tummy is a baby.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, but it's her baby. I don't want any."_ _  
_  
Abby and Jake laugh at the honestly in her voice.  
  
_"But Wells is going to be a baby."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, but brudder is different."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Good to know then. So you're happy about your brother being here soon?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So happy!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And do you love your mommy and I?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Duh."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok, then give me a kiss and then give your mom a kiss and then Wells a kiss."_ _  
_  
Clarke gives Jake a sloppy, wet smooch. She hops off his shoulder, jumping onto the couch next to her, placing Abby's face between her tiny hands, and slobbering all over her cheek seconds later. Once Abby has dissolved into a fit of giggles Clarke lets go and turns her attention to Abby's stomach. Clarke slides the fabric covering the tummy up her mother's torso leaving it bare for her hands to rest on it.  
  
Jake watched from the floor and revelled in the view. They tried for a while before they managed to have Clarke. Lots of disappointing months of nothing and two miscarriages later, Clarke arrived to make his life magical. He called her Miracle Baby when she was born because it hadn't been an easy pregnancy for Abby and it seemed touch and go for a while, but he was so thankful both his girls toughed it out. The moment they placed that baby in his arms he immediately knew he'd never held anything more precious in his life. After another miscarriage when Clarke was two, they have managed to bring another pregnancy to term and Jake was brimming with excitement. His little girl and a son soon. There couldn't be anything better than this.  
  
_"I excited to meet you little brudder."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's excited to meet you too baby."_  
  
Abby rubbed Clarke's messy blonde head while the little girl laid gene kisses on her stomach and talked to her brother.

* * *

The soon to be family of four stayed like that for hours. It was one of the afternoons that was seared in all three of their memories because of how perfect it seemed to be. They'd be cherishing the simple joy of it sooner than they thought.  
  
Wells Michael Griffin was stillborn forty two hours later. By the time forty eight hours had passed, he had already been cremated.

Every time he looked back on this day, Jake could never truly grasp how much his life managed to change in two days.  
  
Clarke didn't really understand what was happening at first. She just knew her mom and dad were sad and that no matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to cheer them up. Not entirely. Apparently Wells had gone to heaven instead of coming home and by the tears she could see her mommy shedding, Clarke didn't think that was a good thing.  
  
Wells was the first big loss Clarke ever had to grapple with. Unfortunately for her, there would be three more over her lifetime.

* * *

**2002 **

_"Clarke."_  
  
Abby hollers from the kitchen while serving two plates of lunch.  
  
_"Clarke!"_  
  
Moments later Abby hears feet barreling down the stairs and the hallway that leads to the kitchen. Clarke darts into the room with her hands full. She holds a sketchpad in her right hand and a random assortment of as many crayon boxes, pencils, and markers as she could carry in her dominant left hand. She dumps them all on the marble countertop before climbing the high chair, sitting down, and going right back to work on whatever she was drawing. Abby groans when she sees the fresh mess her daughter has made.

 _"Why did you have to bring that down? It's lunch time. Take it all back to your room."_  
  
Clarke doesn't pay her mother any mind and continues to color in the shapes on the page.  
  
_"I'm going to be an artist. I have to practice."_  
  
Abby sighs, pulling the notepad away from Clarke causing the girl to draw a thick blue line across the page effectively ruining her creation. Her mother doesn't seem too concerned. She throws the pad to the opposite side of the counter before picking up the mess of coloring utensils and moving them to the space besides the stove. Clarke does her best not to cry.  
  
_"That's not a career Clarke. A doctor who colors on her down time sounds a lot more logical."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Dad says I can be anything I want though."_  
  
Clarke tells her mother defiantly.  
  
_"Yeah, well your dad lives on the moon sometimes. Artists don't make money to pay their bills. They live in hippie communes and eat hemp. They're people who refuse to be adults. You're more intelligent than that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know what hemp is, but it sounds a lot more fun than being an "adult"."_  
  
Clarke spits back in what her mother has come to recognize as her evolving dry wit.  
  
_"You've always said you wanted to be a doctor like me. That's a plan we should stick with. Being an artist is simply not a responsible grownup decision Clarke. Painting is a hobby, not a way to make a living. Not unless you want to struggle."_  
  
Clarke pulls the plate Abby has set in front of her and takes her first bite.  
  
_"I don't mind being a doctor, but I'd like being an artist more."_  
  
_"Don't be rude. Don't speak with your mouth full.”_ Abby chastises her sternly while moving around the kitchen pouring them drinks. _“Sometimes life is all about being pragmatic sweetheart. It's not always about what we want. When making important decisions you think about what's in your best long term interest. Making decisions based on short term visions or impulses is not wise."_ _  
_  
Clarke rolls when eyes and mumbles as she eats.  
  
_"Whatever."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Always impractical like your father."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. We're just more fun."_  
  
Clarke gives Abby a shiteating grin while stuffing a forkful of food into her mouth.  
  
_"Boring old mom. I know. Someone has to keep you two in check or else we'd be living in chaos."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Chaos can be fun."_  
  
Clarke shrugs.  
  
_"It's honestly a little ridiculous and more than slightly concerning how much like your father you are."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When is he back from Berlin?"_  
  
Clarke asks mid bite.  
  
_"Honestly, Clarke...chew your food. And he's coming home in six days. You know this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We should do something for him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That would be nice. Something like what?"_  
  
Abby takes a bite of her food as she waits for Clarke to answer.  
  
_"We could make him pizza and I'll draw him a banner we could hang on the door and then we could rent “Far From Home”."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you guys really never get tired of that movie?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Yellow and Angus are the best."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You two always spend the entire movie echoing the lines over the TV. Why do we even rent it? You guys could just reenact it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Please."_  
  
Clarke pleads in her best convincing voice.  
  
_"Fine. Sure. I'll pick it up from the video store before he gets here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes!"_  
  
Clarke screams excited.  
  
_"Too loud Clarke. Too loud."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sorry."_  
  
Clarke goes back to eating. Abby does too. They sit in silence for some time before Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"Could I at least be a doctor who paints with her patients to make them feel better?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds like something a pediatrician or pediatric oncologist would do. I think you could be great with kids."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I hate kids."_ _  
_  
Abby laughs.  
  
_"You_ **are** _a kid Clarke. All your friends are other kids."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I still hate kids. No kids. I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay. I'm sure we could figure something else out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_  
  
They get through most of their meal before Abby breaks the comfortable silence.  
  
_"Remember that I'm on shift tomorrow and you're staying with Callie and Kane. I'll pick you up when I'm done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's so boring there. They don't even have a dog to play with. Can't I just sleepover at Mel or Adria's house?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. I already asked and arranged everything. It's done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But nothing Clarke. You're staying with your godparents and that's the end of that argument."_  
  
Clarke groans and goes back to eating. She's already decided she is not spending two days in that house but she's not telling Abby that.

* * *

The next morning Abby and Clarke stroll down the sidewalk that leads up to Clarke's school. Clarke carries her backpack and another small bag with enough clothes to last for two days and her art supplies.  
  
_"Uncle Marcus will pick you up at the end of the day. Be good, okay?"_  
  
Abby tells her daughter as they walk up to the entrance.  
  
_"Yup."_  
  
Clarke replies dryly. Abby kisses the top of Clarke's head.  
  
_"Have a good day. Don't get too distracted doodling. I don't want to get another call from Mrs. Shumway."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yup."_  
  
Clarke gives her mom a quick, half-assed hug and runs inside the gates but only far enough for Abby to turn around and begin her trek to work. From a corner Clarke watches what direction her mother heads towards and within seconds she's out the gate and running in the opposite route.

Clarke didn't actually have a plan for the next two days, but it sure as hell didn't involve spending them at the Kane's apartment hearing them fight.

* * *

Abby's phone rings while she's doing her afternoon rounds. She considers ignoring it, but decides to pull it out to at least see who is calling. She sees Marcus's name flash on the tiny screen in the front of the Motorola Razr and excuses herself away from her residents.  
  
_"Hey Marcus."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hey. Did Clarke stay home sick today?"_  
  
Abby knots her forehead in confusion.  
  
_"No? I dropped her off this morning. What do you mean?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, I waited for a while outside but when she didn’t come out I walked into the school to find her but her teachers told me she wasn't in today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?! I saw her walk into school."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know what to tell you. She wasn’t here today."_  
  
Abby, exasperated, runs her hands through her hair.  
  
_"Clarke...what did you do?"_ Abby thinks out loud. _"Ok. I'm...I'm coming. I'll be there in about twenty."_ _  
_  
Abby closes the phone and rushes towards the back of the hospital where the locker with all the things she needs is located.

* * *

Clarke sits cross-legged on a park bench with her sketchpad on her lap and draws the landscape in front of her. She's not the best at this, not yet at least, but it is clear that she has raw talent for it. Regardless of how her mom constantly puts it down, Clarke never feels better than when she's sketching and she wants to keep practicing until she feels she is amazing.  
  
Clarke's stomach grumbles. She dips her hand into the open bag of chips next to her - the one she had bought with the money she'd taken out of her piggy bank this morning - only to find it empty. Clarke groans. She picks up the soda bottle she had bought along with it. Empty as well. In hindsight Clarke thinks she probably should've taken more money but she didn't know things were quite as expensive. The amount of bills she thought would last her forever only really went as far as chips and a drink. Even then, that was mostly because the clerk let her take them ignoring the fact that she was short. Clarke figures if she's out of food and out of money she might as well bite the bullet and go stay with her godparents. At least they always do have delicious snacks and they let her have as much juice as she wants. She doesn't really know where they live but she's sure if she asks someone they could point her in the right direction. Probably.  
  
Clarke begins to pack hastily. She throws all her coloring supplies and her pad into her bag but forgets to zip it up. When she kneels to pick up the soda bottle she dropped the notebook easily slips right out and lands on the floor with a loud thud that Clarke misses. Clarke doesn't notice her bag is lighter than it should be either and she begins to walk away leaving it behind.  
  
When Clarke is a few feet away, she feels a tap on her shoulder. Clarke turns to find a much taller, evidently older girl with brown hair twisted into intricate braids.   
  
_"You dropped this."_  
  
The girl extends Clarke's sketchpad.  
  
_"Oh. Thanks."_  
  
Clarke takes it. The girl gives her a single nod without saying much. The two girls look at each other and smile. Clarke's stomach does a little flip and she brings her hand up to it. She must be hungrier than she thought.  
  
_"Lexa!"_ Thirteen year old Lexa turns to look at her sister who's waving her over. _"Come on. We have to go."_ _  
_  
Lexa looks at the girl once more before running towards Anya.  
  
_"Made a friend already?"_  
  
Anya asks her sister curiously.  
  
_"No. Just didn't want her to lose her notebook."_  
  
Anya wraps her arm around Lexa's shoulder and they walk down the path in the opposite direction of the blonde girl.  
  
Within minutes the interaction is out of both girl's minds. Neither Clarke or Lexa remembers this happening. The moment seemed too mundane, too inconsequential to stick. It's a shame neither of them will ever know that the first time their paths crossed was on Lexa's very first day in New York. That a small bit of serendipity meant that the same day Clarke decided running away until her father came back was the exact same day Anya had taken Lexa to the park as they killed time in between viewing potential apartments. They'll always be in the dark about the fact that their fates were sealed on a random Wednesday afternoon in Central Park.

* * *

**2007**

Clarke stands on the white porch of the house with the red front door and hums when she feels Finn's hand sneaking up the hem of the skimpy dress she wore as he kisses her. The kiss is all teeth and careless in a way only a sixteen year old boy could get away with.  
  
_"My dad loved you. He never likes anyone I bring to one of these things."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What can I say? I'm charming."_  
  
Clarke tells him with a sly smile.  
  
_"You are. He even asked me to invite you to lunch at the club this weekend."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Yeah."_  
  
Clarke leans in to once again connect her lips with the lips of the boy who makes her feel funny in a way she could never properly explain to any of her friends.  
  
_"I...have...to...go...inside."_ Clarke manages to get out in between Finn's attempts to suck on her tongue. " _Curfew."_  
  
Clarke pulls away and what comes out of Finn is nothing short of a whine.  
  
_"I have to go."_  
  
Clarke moves a few steps closer towards her front door before Finn pulls her wrist wrangling her back towards him.  
  
_"You still have like ten minutes."_ Finn kisses her neck and Clarke instinctively leans her head to the side giving him more access. A low moan that never escapes gets stuck in her throat. _"We could go to my car and you could...you know."_ _  
_  
Without any discretion Finn looks at his crotch and then eyes her lips. Flashes of past moments clearly on his mind.  
  
_"Not tonight. Not here."_  
  
Loud thumping comes from inside the house. Clarke knows that's the sound of feet tramping down the stairs. The front door opens and Jake is standing there looking at Finn with murder written on his face.  
  
_"You know my office is right above the porch right? That means I hear everything that happens out here. If you didn't know then now you do."_  
  
The color drains from Finn's face. Jake is a tall, imposing guy. Definitely not someone a sixteen year old boy wants to mess with.  
  
_"Dad."_ _  
_

Clarke scolds him trying to make him go away.

 _"Yes sir."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good night Collins."_  
  
Jake tells the teenager firmly. It's pretty clear his words are more of an order than a statement of cordiality so Finn quickly gives Clarke a chaste peck on the cheek and basically runs to the car parked a few feet away.  
  
Jake moves from the door letting Clarke know it's time to go inside.  
  
_"I wasn't going to do anything."_  
  
Clarke states matter of factly as she walks past him clearly annoyed. Jake closes the door behind them.

* * *

Clarke hangs her jacket on one of the hooks by the door while Jake stares at her.  
  
_"Do we need to have the sex talk again?"_  
  
Thankfully Jake was unaware that much to Clarke's underwhelment, her and Finn had already crossed that bridge a few months ago.  
  
_"Gross. No. The first time was uncomfortable enough for all of us. No need to rehash that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Dad. Mom is a doctor. I know how it works. Let's not make it weird. I wasn't going to do anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Okay."_  
  
Clarke moves for the stairs but before she climbs them, she ponders something for a few seconds. She gathers her courage and exhales before turning to Jake.  
  
_"Dad...how do you know if you love someone?"_  
  
Jake's face scrunches up.  
  
_"Oh no. The kid who just asked you to go..."_ Jake hesitates on his way to phrase it. _"...do things in his car? The kid that needs a haircut more than anything? Really?!"_ _  
_  
Clarke shrugs. Jake groans loudly but takes a step toward Clarke.  
  
Jake was always the easy parent to talk to and as much as he didn't trust boys around his daughter because he was their age once and he knew exactly how they worked, his chest expands with adoration for the girl standing bashfully across from him. He considered himself fortunate that even at this age Clarke still trusted him enough to ask important questions like these and he was going to give her an honest answer regardless of who it was in connection to.  
  
_"Someone is going to come along one day who you love so much that it's almost painful. You'll know. I knew with your mom right away. I obviously wasn't aware of it at the time, but looking back on it now, I definitely knew. You'll figure it out."_ Jake moves closer to Clarke leaving only a few feet between them. _"The only real advice I can give you is to not fool yourself into thinking it's like the movies. You have to be aware that love is kind of messy sometimes. Life will put really hard stuff in your way because a lot of the time it wants to ruin the best things, but don't let it Clarke. When you find that person you hold on and you don't let them go. For anything. Mistakes can be forgiven and things can be mended. Problems and differences may look like the most impossible things to overcome sometimes, but once you get past them you see how small they were in the big picture. Love can die if you don't fight for it."_ Clarke nods as Jake tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. _"The real kind, the kind your mom and I have, those only come around once in your life. If you find it, you fight like hell to keep it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you and mom love each other so much then how come you guys argue?"_ _  
_  
Clarke interjects immediately and Jake laughs.  
  
_"Being in love isn't perfect kiddo. It certainly comes with_ **a lot** _of bickering. Some days you'll want to kill that person but you never could because you can't imagine life without them. Once you can't wrap your head around someone not being a part of your life, then you stubborly press for them to stay. You can't cling to them if it's one sided though. That's the easiest way to end up hurting yourself. But if you both love each other and you know it, then you battle it out. It's the only satisfying war to win."_  
  
Clarke looks at him digesting the information.  
  
_"You said you knew...with mom. How? When you look back how are you sure you did?"_  
  
Jake smiles at her and can't help but lean in and kiss her forehead.  
  
_"Your stomach is the first to know. I know it sounds weird, but trust me. Your stomach will be in knots but also flutter while at the same time doing somersaults. Once your stomach starts giving you messages, listen to it. Unless it's indigestion then don't..."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You're crazy dad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One day you'll get it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, you will. I'm kind of scared of that day but also excited. I know whoever you pick will be good. As long as it's not floppy hair...that might not be the best choice."_ Clarke rolls her eyes before they both laugh. _"I'm probably going to be gone by the time you wake up tomorrow. We have a big site check and I'm going out early because I want to make sure everything is ready."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The pictures you showed me yesterday looked good. The view of the skyline is crazy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. You like it? I'm really proud of this one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do. It's pretty cool. I'm sure your thing will go great."_ _  
_  
Jake kisses her forehead.  
  
_"You made any progress on that centerpiece for the art show yet?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No."_  
  
Clarke says sheepishly and Jake laughs.  
  
_"Get on it because I'm eager to see it. I'm sure it will be fantastic."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're talented. Stop second guessing yourself Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You sound like Mrs. Benson."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a good thing Mrs. Benson agrees. You can be obstinate. Repetition might break that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and scoffs.  
  
_"Such a teenager."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes a second time for dramatic effect and begins to head for the stairs.  
  
_"I don't even get a kiss?!"_  
  
Jake complains which causes Clarke to double back towards him.  
  
_"Good night dad."_  
  
Clarke heads for the stairs once more and up towards the room.  
  
_"Night kiddo. I love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Love you too old man."_  
  
Clarke turns over her shoulder to see her father smiling at the bottom of the stairs as she climbs up. The last time Clarke ever sees him is when she makes a right once she hits the top step.

* * *

Jake Griffin was an architect. One of the finest in the city. As such, he had been tasked to design a new skyscraper for an international financial firm smack in the middle of downtown. It would be a glossy new addition to the Financial District. They told him _"no expenses spared"_ and he designed the building with that in mind. It was undeniably the biggest project of his career thus far and something told Jake that building was his magnum opus. Jake was taking it as seriously as he should. That meant being up before Clarke and Abby and heading to the construction site earlier than everyone in order to make sure each thing was in place for the city inspectors.  
  
No one ever knew why Jake was up on the thirty fourth story of the building alone. None of them could ever piece together what reason a seasoned architect could've possibly had to be standing close to the edge when he definitely knew better. All they knew was that some freak accident definitely happened up there and that Jake Griffin was dead by the time he hit the ground.  
  
It was best they couldn't figure it out because Clarke would have never forgiven herself if she was aware that her father walked closer to the still windowless perimeter than his experience told him he should have because he was trying to get a good picture of the sun rising behind the skyline for her. He thought maybe it could inspire her art. Clarke didn't need to be privy to the fact that while her father was doing something for her, he got too engrossed in the image on the screen to pay attention to the wooden board to his left and he tripped never being able to recover his balance before his body swayed over the edge. It was best Clarke was in the dark and remained blissfully ignorant that the last thing Jake thought about as his feet left solid ground and he comprehended what was about to happen was how sad his daughter would be and how angry he was that he was leaving her. These are all things Clarke was better off not knowing.

* * *

**2009**

Clarke's hands wander under the soft fabric of Niylah's jersey shirt as they lay under the covers of her bottom bunk. The lower half of their bodies are still very much naked and tangled as Clarke flips them over and straddles the twenty year old biology student. With her free hand Clarke slides her girlfriend's shirt in the direction of her neck letting her mouth wander up her torso while her hand moves down her body. Niylah squirms under her. Clarke's finger circles over the bundle of nerves between Niylah's legs and her back arches up from the bed while a breathy moan escapes her. Right at that moment, the door to the three person dorm room flies open.  
  
Raven is the first one to step inside and her eyes immediately lock with Niylah and her bare chest.  
  
_"Ew. Sock. You forgot the sock!"_  
  
Clarke groans pulling the blanket and covering her and the older girl. She falls next to Niylah.  
  
_"I thought you guys were gone until tomorrow!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We were..."_ Octavia plops down on the bed by Clarke's feet. _"...but someone at the campsite mentioned this crazy Pre-Halloween party happening on East 4th and we turned back around."_ _  
_  
Raven moves around the room unpacking her overnight bag.  
  
_"I don't have my costume yet."_  
  
Clarke argues.  
  
_"Doesn't matter."_ Octavia looks at Niylah and smiles. _"We'll all figure something out. We don't even have to dress up. Whatever."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're not going for the costumes Griffin. We're going for the booze and the boys. The guy who invited us is so hot. You should've seen him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's okay at best."_ _  
_  
Octavia clarified for the two naked and mildly frustrated girls on the bed. Clarke groans.  
  
_"I had no plans of leaving this bed today."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, sorry to interrupt your sex marathon but you're one of my designated wing women. You're coming and you're going to help me get this guy."_  
  
Clarke groans and Niylah pulls her closer, kissing her forehead before laughing at her reaction.  
  
_"You guys have the worst fucking timing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Look."_ Raven rests against Clarke and Octavia’s bunk looking down to talk to her roommate. _"We can go to the dining hall for half an hour and get food if you really want to get off this badly, but then we're getting ready."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a compromise I can live with."_  
  
Raven pulls Octavia's arm dragging her off the bed and towards the door.  
  
_"Get those fingers moving and make it count Griffin. Half an hour. Tick tock."_  
  
Niylah blushes furiously at Raven’s words as the two girls leave the room closing the door behind them.  
  
_"Guess we should've gone to your apartment after all."_  
  
Clarke chuckles as her lips make contact with Niylah's neck and her hands begin to roam over all the exposed skin once more. Niylah hums.  
  
_"Mood's been slightly ruined."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No! Half an hour. We get thirty whole minutes. We can make it work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Baby...it's weird that they know we'll be having sex."_  
  
Clarke keeps her lips moving across Niylah's skin.  
  
_"They always know when we have sex. Not weird at all."_  
  
Clarke insists before her lips move down Niylah's collarbone and towards the center of her chest. Niylah laughs.  
_  
_ _"You're kind of fucking crazy and I love you for it."_  
  
Niylah freezes when the words leave her mouth.

They met the first day of class when Clarke accidentally spilled her drink on Niylah as she carelessly turned from a soda fountain machine in the dining hall. The connection was undeniable. They went on their first date two days later. Their relationship had moved pretty quickly from there. It was one of those that burned hot and bright. Niylah knew almost instantly how she felt about Clarke. She had no doubts about it, but she kept those words to herself because she didn't think it was time to let them out into the open. But now, now they've slipped out of her. There’s not much she can do about it at this point.  
  
Clarke gently puts her finger on Niylah's chin tilting her face down so their eyes can meet.  
  
_"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing."_  
  
Clarke moves off her girlfriend’s body and rests her head on her wrist letting her eyes hover over Niylah's. Clarke smiles, one of those smiles that never fails to disarms Niylah completely. The kind that made her fall in love in the first place. Niylah inhales deeply and as she exhales she speaks.  
  
_"I love you Clarke Griffin. There. I said it out loud."_  
  
Clarke's eyes light up and she closes the distance between them. Clarke never outright says the words that day but she uses her lips, her hands, and her tongue to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that her feelings for the girl she's called hers for nearly three months weren't one sided.

* * *

Raven couldn't find a number on the doors but after someone let them into the brownstone, the four girls simply follow the sound of the music and the screaming to the first floor apartment at the end of the hallway. Raven is confident they found the right place. She knocks.

The door swings open seconds later and the stench of "sweaty college party" smacks the girls across the face. Wick stands on the other side of the apartment threshold with glossy eyes and rustled hair. His smile grows the instant he sees Raven.  
  
_"Hot girl from the campsite actually came. Fuck yes."_  
  
Wick steps aside and welcomes the group in. Raven moves in confidently followed by Octavia. Clarke and Niylah hold hands and giggle as they walk in.

* * *

A few hours later the party is in full swing.  Niylah had made plans to meet some classmates for a study session earlier the next day and had left about an hour before, but insisted Clarke stay with her friends. She was going straight to sleep anyway and wouldn't want Clarke to miss out on what seemed to be a pretty decent party. Raven and Wick had disappeared half an hour ago after some conversation about a homemade cannon made from several lighters that shoots flaming steel wool got them both excited. That left Clarke and Octavia chatting and dancing with a few other freshman girls in the corner.  
  
_"Alright. Alright!"_  
  
Clarke turns when she hears the screaming coming from the sliding door that connects the apartment with the backyard. She sees Wick shouting to get everyone's attention while standing next to Raven who holds some weird engineering monstrosity in her hands.  
  
_"Shit's about to get fucking real."_  
  
Wick steps towards a table and recklessly slides the empty glass bottles to the floor clearing space for Raven to set whatever that thing was down. People promptly circle around them.  
  
_"We're going to need a countdown here."_  
  
Wick encourages everyone as Raven lights the first piece of steel wool and puts it in the opening that connects to the several lighters. It instantly begins to shoot sparks in all directions.  
  
_"Three, two, one."_  
  
Raven presses the make shift trigger and the piece of flaming grey material goes flying into the sky. The crowd cheers.  
  
_"Again. Again! Another one."_  
  
Emboldened by the response of the raucous audience, an evidently intoxicated Raven takes an even bigger piece of material and lights it before loading the cannon. This time she rotates the contraption slightly to point it away from the direct wind which should stop it from burning out so quickly. Raven presses the release button and somehow some of the gas that powers the shooting mechanism must have escaped feeding the already lit ball because the wool is quickly engulfed as it leaves the barrel. Because of the new direction Raven had pointed the device in, the flaming sphere flies into the neighboring yard and it illuminates with a flash. It doesn't take a genius to know they just started a real fire.  
  
Octavia is the first one to run to the medium height brick wall separating the two backyards. She immediately climbs it sitting on top of it. Clarke pushes Raven up and then follows suit. The three of them stare and talk nonchalantly to each other as the brunette girl on the other side of the wall frantically moves around the backyard trying to put the flames out.  
  
_"That's probably not good."_  
  
Clarke looks at Raven. Raven's lips form a sly smile and her eyes light up.  
  
_"Depends who you ask. That's pretty fucking impressive for a cannon I built in less than half an hour out of a few lighters."_ _  
__  
__"Was it supposed to do that?"_ Octavia asks.  
  
_"Not really. No."_ _  
__  
__"What.the.fuck?!"_ The brunette turns to them enraged. _"This was a fucking first edition!"_  
  
The girl picks up the ruined book before throwing it on the floor and watching the pieces of it that have burnt to ashes disintegrate off the rest of the book.  
  
Clarke scrunches her face and exchanges glances with the other two. Octavia is incredibly drunk and more than utterly confused and Raven definitely looks more proud than repentant. Obviously it's up to Clarke to fix this one.  
  
Clarke sighs and swings her feet over the wall jumping into the half burnt backyard. Other drunk idiots are starting to climb the structure separating the two properties to look into the brunettes apartment in an attempt to figure out what's happening.  
  
_"That was kind of an accident! Oops."_  
  
Clarke shrugs as she walks up to what, at this distance, she can now surmise is an insanely attractive girl. Clarke scans the older girl's face and for some unexplained reason the moment she looks into the stranger's jade eyes her stomach starts doing cartwheels inside her abdomen. Clarke does her best to compose herself. She bites her bottom lip trying to look innocent and extends her hand in an attempt to introduce herself.  
  
_"I'm Clarke."_ Clarke speaks loudly so it doesn't get drowned out by the music. In a matter of seconds Clarke has decided she has to find a way to see this girl during the day and she opts to put a plan in motion. _"I really don't know what that was, but if you give me the name I can probably make it up to y-"_ _  
_  
The brunette didn't even let the girl finish talking before she went on a rage-fueled, screaming, and cuss laden tirade.  
  
_"You drunk fucking idiots could have burned the building down! That is so fucking irresponsible. What if a person had been there?!"_  
  
Clarke looks back at the burnt patch covered in white foam that the distractingly attractive stranger points to aggressively.  
  
_"I know. My roommate is an engineer...or going to be. She likes to build things. Apparently this one didn't go as planned."_ _  
__  
__"I'm fucking calling the police."_  
  
The girl turns on her heels and opens the sliding door before pretty much running into the apartment. Clarke, certainly encouraged by her drunken stupor, confidently follows her without having been given the slightest hint that she's welcomed to.  
  
The lanky girl turns and walks into the door on the left. Within seconds Clarke is standing in the bedroom as well. The slender brunette reaches for the phone that was laying on the bed. Clarke realizes she can't let her make that call. They're all underage and there's a lot of alcohol (and other substances) at that party. No way tonight would end well for any of them if Clarke allows this to happen.  
  
_"Wait."_  
  
The girl turns shocked by the fact that someone else is in the room with her.  
  
_"Get the fuck out! What are you doing?! This is my room!"_  
  
Clarke doesn't move. The girl continues to move her fingers across the screen of the phone and when Clarke sees the dialing screen pop up she springs forward and yanks the phone from the girl’s hands.  
  
_"Wait!"_  
  
Clarke would certainly be intimidated by the cold and wrathful glare she's getting if it weren't for the fact that she can see Octavia, Raven, and the gaggle of other drunk assholes sitting on the wall through the glass door on the other side of the bedroom. They're looking at the two of them inside the apartment and laughing. Clarke has a feeling if the girl tries to murder her as her eyes seem to indicate she's seriously considering, someone would **_probably_** jump in.  
  
_"Give me my fucking phone back!"_  
  
The scrawny yet menacing girl takes a step towards Clarke. Clarke blinks nervously at the invasion of her personal space but for some reason doesn't particularly mind having the girl this close.  
  
_"Slow down! Hold on. Listen to me."_ The brunette breaths grow shallow. She is becoming agitated quickly. Clarke knows she only has a few seconds to turn this around and get what she wants. She looks down at the phone in her hands and begins to dial. She makes a call and allows it to ring twice before she hangs up and extends the phone again. _"I just called my phone. You have my number and I have yours. We can meet for coffee tomorrow and try to sort this out. I just need to know what name to save you as because I doubt "Hot Flame Tamer" is what it says on your ID."_ _  
_  
Clarke's flirting is shameless and brazen. A growl gets stuck in the brunette's throat as she yanks the phone from Clarke's hand.  
  
_"Get the fuck out of my house."_  
  
The girl takes yet another step towards Clarke and then another and then another. Clarke begins to move backwards but does her best to insist.  
  
_"I live in Lipton Hall in Washington Square."_ The girl keeps moving forward and Clarke continues to walk backwards but doesn't give up on her mission. _"There's a great coffee shop on our block. We can meet for coffee. You can tell me what that was out there and I can replace it with a new one."_ _  
__  
__"Get out!"_

The brunette girl grits through her teeth. 

 _"I will. I'm trying. Just no cops. Promise. If you do that I'm out of your hair."_ _  
_  
The girl's steps become wider and more aggressive which means Clarke has to move backwards faster to get away from her. Before she knows it, Clarke is standing in the backyard once more. The moment she steps out in the open the girl slides the door in front of her locking herself inside and leaving Clarke outside.  
  
_"You have to let me fix this!"_  
  
The girl turns her back to Clarke and within seconds she's inside her bedroom once again. Clarke can see her through the glass door. Clarke isn't sure why she can't let this go, but something tells her to keep pushing it.  
  
_"I'm going to text you tomorrow when you hate me a little less!"_  
  
The girl moves up to the door and truculently yanks on the curtains removing herself from Clarke's view. Clarke hears the audience they've now garnered laugh behind her. She turns to see all of them in stitches and walks back over to the wall.  
  
_"What the hell just happened?"_

Octavia looks at Clarke confused. 

 _"I don't know, but I need my phone."_  
  
Octavia digs through her jacket pockets and pulls out Clarke's phone. She sees the missed call and feels relief. Within seconds the number is saved as "Fire Girl" in her phone.  
  
_"You have three seconds to leave my property or I_ **am** _calling the police!"_  
  
The girl's voice bellows from behind the curtains.  
  
_"Sorry! I'm leaving!"_ Clarke looks for something to propel herself with, but when she doesn’t she turns to Octavia and Raven and extends her arms. _"Shit. Pull me up."_ Clarke flails her arms anxiously until her friends grab them and yank her over to the top with them. _"I'm gone!"_  
  
Clarke jumps off the wall and onto the backyard she belonged in.  
  
_"Get down!"_ Clarke urges everyone off. Once they are all back on the ground Clarke props herself up, pokes her head over the top edge of the wall, and screams over the music. _"We'll keep it down! Have a good night!"_ _  
_  
Clarke moves back down and smiles to herself. She's not entirely sure what just unfolded, but her stomach hasn't stopped twisting since she walked up to the stranger with the wild hair and the green eyes. Little did Clarke know this absurd series of events had just changed the course of her life for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	24. May 21, 2030

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twelve days. Not that bad. I was informed fics are not supposed to update every week like I had been lead to believe so there's a lot less shame involved in this update haha. It's fairly long (over 9k) so I made up for it. 
> 
> I feel like I've said a few times that we were going to get into some much darker stuff at one point or another. This is one of those chapters. I did tone it way down with the description Lexa did of Jake's death during the one year anniversary chapter, but there was no way to work around this one. It wouldn't make sense to. If you have triggers, I would suggest not reading this one. It's a pretty important one plotwise to lay down the groundwork for future things to happen, but if you can't handle darker storylines then skip it. I'm not going to say what it is because it would be a spoiler, but if you're not okay with the very angsty stuff then don't read it. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**May 21, 2030**

Lexa sits on her office chair with Frankl’s _“Man’s Search For Meaning”_ atop her lap. She’s revisited this memoir several times in the last year. Getting through his life in the Nazi concentration camps and everything he lost while there was always difficult for Lexa, but it’s what came after that made her come back to the book over and over. Lexa wasn’t normally one to read philosophy mixed with psychiatry, but something about Frankl’s words kept compelling her to pick it from the shelf repeatedly. In the book Frankl posits that humans cannot avoid suffering but that instead they can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. The topic was something Lexa certainly felt connected to.

Lexa is working through the letter Frankl wrote to friends in 1945 describing his feelings of sadness and hopelessness after learning he was now alone and without a family following his mother’s death in Auschwitz and his wife’s death in Bergen-Belsen when she is startled by her office door opening. Lexa turns to find a thirty six week pregnant Clarke at the threshold fully dressed and holding some shopping bags in her hand. She'd evidently just returned from somewhere.  
  
_"It's almost three in the morning Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You know your kids have no respect for sleep patterns."_ Clarke lifts the bags she's holding to show them off to Lexa. _"Baby wanted oranges and crêpes. I went on a little trip. Figured you might want some."  
_ _  
_ _"No, thank you."_ _  
_  
Forty year old Lexa looks back down at the book in her hands. Clarke sighs dejected and begins to close the door but Lexa speaks before she can shut it all the way.  
  
_"You can eat here if you want."_  
  
The smile on Clarke's face when she turns is so wide and dazzling that it's almost blinding. Clarke steps into the office completely and closes the door behind her. The thirty seven year old sets the bags on the desk and begins unpacking. The oranges were the first items at the top. Clarke grabs them and hands them to Lexa.  
  
_"Can you peel these?"_  
  
Lexa closes her book and takes the three oranges from Clarke's hand.  
  
_"All of them?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't judge me."_  
  
Clarke tells her defensively and Lexa smiles faintly.  
  
_"I wasn't."_  
  
Clarke opens the first styrofoam container and the smell of fresh crêpesinundates the office. Both their mouths water.  
  
Clarke sits on one of the empty chairs across from Lexa and digs in as Lexa gets through the first orange.  
  
Lexa is halfway through peeling the second fruit when Clarke breaks the silence speaking with her mouth full.  
  
_"You sure you don't want any?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is it from La Creme?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You_ **know** _it's from La Creme, Woods. Best crêpes in the city."_  
  
Lexa smiles and nods as she licks her lips. Clarke gets up from her chair taking the container with her. She practically skips around the desk to Lexa's side.  
  
_"Scoot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Scoot back."_  
  
Lexa, confused, does as she's told. The minute there's enough space for her butt, Clarke sits on Lexa's lap.  
  
Lexa can't remember the last time this happened, but somehow it doesn't feel wrong. Clarke cuts a piece of the crêpewith her fork and brings it up to Lexa's mouth. Lexa opens her mouth but Clarke fakes her out and moves the fork to her own mouth eating the bit of syrupy food instead. Clarke giggles at the disappointment on Lexa's face.  
  
_"You're in a good mood."_  
  
Lexa points out.  
  
_"Uhum."_  
  
Clarke hums as she chews and tries to cut another piece. She brings the fork to Lexa's mouth once more and Lexa hesitantly parts her lips while staring at her waiting for Clarke to move it away, but when she doesn't Lexa bites down. The moment the explosion of flavor hits her tongue Lexa moans.  
  
_"Ugh...so good."_  
  
Lexa groans out.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
The sight of Lexa genuinely enjoying something is so rare that Clarke can't contain her smile. She rotates her torso, puts the food down on the desk, and wraps her arms around Lexa's neck. She leans down and their lips meet.  
  
_"I'm trying to eat Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Me too."_  
  
Clarke tells her with a hint of mischief in her eyes and voice. Lexa can't help but laugh against Clarke's lips.  
  
Doing that still feels foreign to Lexa, but it's happened maybe a handful of times in the last nine months and she hasn't felt **_too_ ** guilty when it does. Lexa's hands come to rest on either side of Clarke's stomach where she can instantly feel the baby twisting and turning inside.  
  
_"Baby's happy too."_  
  
Lexa points out.  
  
_"Baby really wanted this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The food or the kisses?"_  
  
Lexa plays along and for a second Clarke catches a glimpse of her old wife. Clarke got to see the side of Lexa that was an everyday occurrence before the shooting.  
  
Lexa had been making more progress. Only if slightly. At least when she was away from the kids. Things between Lexa and Costia were worse than ever, but when Clarke got Lexa to herself their relationship was improving. When it was just the two of them Lexa was different. Clarke felt something had changed since the conversation that lead to this baby, but particularly since she got pregnant. The changes weren’t sprawling, but Lexa did things like smile without immediately correcting herself or even laugh. Clarke had a chance to hear Lexa laugh just like she did moments ago and it made everything else feel insignificant. Even if extremely rare, those things now happened and Clarke took note and savored every instant.  
  
_"Maybe both."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa again. After a few seconds she breaks the kiss and moves to the side resting her head on Lexa's left shoulder. Lexa doesn't say anything but runs her hands up and down Clarke's abdomen.  
  
_"Baby's having a party in there."_  
  
Lexa comments on the big movements she's feeling. Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's neck tighter.  
  
_"Yeah."_  
  
Clarke yawns and at the tail end of it kisses Lexa's neck as she nuzzles into the crook.  
  
_"Are you tired?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm hungry."_  
  
Lexa chuckles. Clarke feels enveloped by warmth at that point because there it was again. Lexa laughed - twice in the span of a few minutes - and that, that was Clarke’s favorite sound in the entire world.  
  
_"Are you hungry and tired?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a shitty combination. I know. I blame the hormones."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you want to go to bed?"_  
  
Clarke shakes her head no and readjusts on Lexa's lap.  
  
_"I'm fine right here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't think this solves either the hunger or the sleepiness, Clarke."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll live."_  
  
Lexa scoffs and shakes her head.  
  
_"You're difficult."_  
  
_"So you've been saying for twenty years."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"At least I'm consistent."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You are."_  
  
Clarke places a series of quick, chaste kisses on Lexa's neck and pulls her impossibly closer.  
  
Lexa won't tell Clarke her legs have had pins and needles since the moment Clarke sat down because the edge of the chair is putting pressure against a weird spot on her thighs. Lexa definitely won't bring that up.

* * *

Within minutes Clarke is asleep and softly snoring into Lexa's neck. Lexa's legs are almost painfully numb by this point and she knows she needs to relieve some of the strain off them.  
  
For a second Lexa considers carrying Clarke to bed but the office door is closed and she assumes the bedroom one is too. No way she can open both with Clarke in her arms. Maybe if Clarke wasn't pregnant she'd go for it, but even the smallest chance of her dropping Clarke or falling with her is not something she's willing to risk happening however unlikely.  
  
_"Clarke..."_

Lexa gets no answer.

 _"Clarke, we need to get you to bed."_  
  
Clarke sleepily curls into Lexa even further as an instinctive response. The new position puts even more stress on Lexa's thighs against the hard edge of the chair and Lexa hisses. She definitely has to find a way to fix this but apparently it won't involve moving Clarke. Lexa thinks for a second before she slides her arms under Clarke's knees and lifts her up enough in order to allow Lexa to slide her body down the chair giving her a chance to at least switch up the distribution of the load on different points. The change is quickly welcome as blood instantly begins to flow onto her lower extremities once again.  
  
Lexa puts Clarke's full weight back onto her lap and moves her hand from under Clarke's knees to her stomach. Lexa lays her palm on top of Clarke's oversized t-shirt protectively and closes her eyes. She's starting to get tired too. Lexa figured they won't be in this position for long. Clarke pees every five seconds. She has to be up soon enough. Hopefully.

* * *

Clarke never woke. They stayed like that, tightly in each other’s arms, until after the sun came up and Roa walked into the office looking for them.  
  
Lexa couldn't feel her legs for about an hour after she had woken up.

* * *

It's early in the afternoon and Clarke sits on the couch folding laundry with the television on for background noise when fourteen year old Costia and eight year old Roa run into the house with their backpacks in tow.  
  
_"No Ro, that's not possible. No way."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes way!"_ Roa hears the TV and runs into the living room knowing Clarke will be there. _"Mommy, Cos says that if a kitty and a puppy love each other then they can't have catdog babies but Elephant Ellie told me they could and Elephant Ellie doesn't lie."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well baby, I think in this one Cos is right and Ellie is wrong. Cats and dogs can't have babies because they're not the same species."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Told you!"_  
  
Costia says victorious and Roa turns to stick her tongue out at her.  
  
_"You can go watch some TV if you want because lunch isn't ready. My back hurts and I didn't feel like cooking today. We'll wait for Nana to get home and we'll order some take out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Pizza!"_  
  
The younger girl squealed.  
  
_"We'll see what everyone wants later Ro. Go play for a bit. We'll do your homework after lunch."_  
  
With that Roa bolts to the back of the apartment. Costia makes to follow but Clarke addresses her as she calmly continues to fold the never ending stack of shirts.  
  
_"I know you picked up the tickets last week because I called the school today. You lied to me Costia."_  
  
Costia groans and slides her bag off her back. She opens one of the zippers and pulls an envelope out. She walks over to Clarke and hands it to her. Clarke starts to inspect it. Costia moves to leave the room when Clarke stops her.  
  
_"There's only eleven tickets here. I bought twelve."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes and turns around to look at Clarke.  
  
_"Only eleven people from your list are invited."_  
  
Clarke runs her hands over her face and sighs trying to compose herself in order to avoid an argument.  
  
_"Costia, I'm not feeling well and I'm not in the mood. What did you do with the extra ticket? Give it to me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not going to. I don't want her there."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This isn't a discussion."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're right. It isn't. I'm the one performing. It's my day. I don't want Lexa ruining it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Either give me the ticket or I'll go to the school and get another one myself."_  
  
Clarke tells her sternly.  
  
_"If she comes I'd rather not perform."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Seriously?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes. I'm so serious, mom. I'm not getting on that stage if she's there."_  
  
Costia replies unwavering in her stubbornness.  
_  
_ _"That's not something you get to decide."_  
  
Costia half scoffs and half laughs at the statement.  
  
_"Oh, you're going to force me? Is that what you're going to do? I forget that in this house you make decisions without asking anyone how they feel about it. Just like with that."_  
  
Costia points at Clarke's stomach.  
  
_"Costia."_ Clarke pauses before she continues in order to carefully choose her words. She really is feeling off and the last thing she wants is for this to continue to escalate. _"We've talked about this. We need this baby."_ _  
_  
Clarke's attempt at equanimity fails because Costia raises her voice to the point of almost screaming.  
  
_"For what?! Who is “we”?!”_ Costia is making forceful air quotes as she speaks. _“You two decided it's what “we” “needed'” without asking any of us how we felt about a replacement baby."_  
  
Clarke is beginning to get agitated as well and her responses become short and curt.  
  
_"That's not what this is. You know it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Keep telling yourself that."_  
  
Costia spits out rancorously.  
  
_"Watch your tone with me."_  
  
Clarke threatens Costia because she's nearing the edge of disrespect now.  
  
_"I really can't believe you let her talk you into this again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"This wasn't your mom's idea. I've told you a hundred times."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why do you always lie to cover her?! I've heard you tell Aunt Rae and Aunt O that you never wanted any of us. That it was Lexa's idea. Why would you all of a sudden want more? I hate that you lie for Lexa."_  
  
Clarke moves the stack of shirts that rested on her lap to the side and even though it takes her a few attempts to get on her feet, she manages to do so. When she does, she stalks up to Costia.  
  
_"First of all, whatever conversations I have with my friends, you're not to eavesdrop on. That's none of your business, especially when you have no context for what is being talked about."_ Costia aggressively rolls her eyes and mumbles something Clarke can't make out. _"Second, yes...it may have been true that when I was younger I never saw myself with kids, but you weren't an accident. You're not something I regret. Your mom and I wanted you. All of you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever."_ _  
_  
Costia starts to walk out of the living room.  
  
_"Get me the ticket, Costia."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I already told you I won't."_  
  
Costia retorts insolently.  
  
_"Cost-"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's fine. I don't have to go."_  
  
Lexa casually states while expertly avoiding running into the teenager who wasn't looking when she turned to exit the living room. Lexa walks past Costia and the living room entrance holding her tea mug clearly on her way to the kitchen.  
  
_"There you go. Problem solved. Lexa doesn't want to go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She never said she didn't want to go."_  
  
Clarke argues firmly.  
  
_"She doesn't seem too bothered by it. Bet if it was Jake performing she wouldn't miss it."_  
  
Lexa doubles back and bores her eyes into Costia.  
  
_"You're the one throwing a toddler tantrum over a person sitting in the audience. Not me."_  
  
Lexa bites out.  
  
_"Yeah, because you have no business being there. It's a year-end talent show for family and friends. You're none of those things."_  
  
Costia replies just as venomously.  
  
_"Watch it, Costia!"_  
  
Clarke growls at her.  
  
_"Or what? Are you going to replace me too? You could just have another kid after that one I guess. Apparently we're all disposable in this house. Everyone except for Lexa of course. She gets special treatment. No matter what she does, she's still here."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa scream over each other.  
  
_"Costia, get me your tablet and give me your phone. You're done!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What do you want from me?!"_ Lexa blows up at her daughter. _"What am I supposed to do?! What is it?! Because I don't get it. I don't know!"_ _  
_  
Costia screams back.  
  
_"I want you to leave us alone! I want you to stop making everyone miserable. Mom is the only one that wants you here. Go away! Disappear. No one cares!"_  
  
Clarke and Costia's words begin to overlap towards the mid point.  
  
_"You're not leaving this house except to go to school for a month. That's on top of no tablet or phone. One more word out of you and I'm taking the computer too."_  
  
Costia pivots towards Clarke.  
  
_"I always get in trouble but she can do anything and have nothing happen to her! That's so unfair!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The July trip with Tris is cancelled. Keep pushing me and I'll take the guitar next."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's Tris's birthday trip! You can't stop me from going."_  
  
Clarke doesn't hesitate to answer.  
  
_"I definitely can. I just did. If you don't go to your room right this second then music is done for the summer too. Not another word out of you."_  
  
Costia turns to Lexa.  
  
_"I hate you!"_  
  
Lexa puts the cup down on the table that stood a few feet from her, walks towards the entrance, grabs her keys from the hook by the door, and leaves the apartment with a huff.  
  
_"Good! I hope you stay gone!"_  
  
Costia screams in the direction of the door once it bangs shut. Lexa surely must have heard that. Costia faces Clarke anew. She's clearly irate.  
  
_"You do it to yourself, Costia. You just lost the guitar for the summer. I want the phone, the tablet, the computer, and the guitar on my bed within five minutes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fuck this!"_  
  
Costia storms away.  
  
_"You're this close to extending it, Costia. Practically asking for it now. I better not catch you using one of your sister's things."_ Clarke can tell Costia is getting close to her room by how far her stomping sounds. _"I would not slam that door if I were you."_  
  
In defiance, Costia does exactly that. The walls around her room shake with the force Costia put into closing it.

 _“That added no TV for two weeks to the list. Go ahead. Keep making it worse.”_  
  
Clarke inhales slowly and runs her hands through her hair. She stands in silence for a few seconds collecting herself before moving to the couch, grabbing the hamper that was half-full with folded clothes, and heading for the back of the apartment.

* * *

Half an hour later thirteen year old Anya walks through the front door. The apartment feels eerily quiet. Over the last couple of years Anya has come to learn that's never a good sign.  
  
Anya rests her school bag by the door and sets out to find everyone. The living room is empty. The first room she comes across is her mom's and she decides to check it out.  
  
The first thing she notices when she opens the door is the fact that Costia's stuff is piled on the bed. That's all the confirmation she needs that something had to have happened before she got home. The next thing Anya sees is the bathroom light on and the door slightly cracked open. Inside she can see just a sliver of Clarke standing. She walks from the entrance to the bathroom.  
  
_"Hey mom. Sorry I was late. The libra..."_  
  
Anya pushes the partially open door and immediately stops talking. Clarke is leaning forward resting her full weight against the couple's bathroom vanity with the matching vessel sinks. In the big mirror Anya can see her mother's eyes are closed tightly. She's unmistakably in pain. Anya also notices how pale Clarke is. Abnormally so. The back of the flowy summer dress Clarke is wearing is stained with dark blood and Anya can see some trickling down the inside of her mother's legs.  
  
_"Mom?"_  
  
Clarke turns at the sound of Anya's shaky voice. Her hand grips the bottom part of her stomach. Turning around made her dizziness worse.  
  
When Anya can fully see her face Clarke's eyes are barely open. Her eyelids are droopy and the general look of her face is ghastly.  
  
_"Something's wrong."_  
  
Clarke manages to mumble out. Anya doesn't hesitate, she bolts out of the room and within seconds she's back with Costia in tow.  
  
_"Holy shit, mom."_  
  
Clarke's eyes are spinning as she tries to focus them long enough to be able to even speak.  
  
_"Call momma."_  
  
Anya urges Costia.  
  
_"She's not going to answer. You know it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I...uh...I don't know!"_ Anya shoves her sister's shoulder as she tries to think. _"Call grandma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Yeah. Okay."_ _  
_  
Costia runs to the bed to get her phone and turn it back on.  
  
_"Mom?"_  
  
Anya takes a step towards Clarke and examines her face.  
  
_"I'm fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not, mom. You're so not."_  
  
Following the sounds of the commotion, Roa waltzes into the bedroom.  
  
_"You can't let her in here."_ Clarke pleads to her second eldest daughter. _"She's going to be terrified. She'll have nightmares for months. Don't let her see me like this."_ _  
_  
Anya closes the bathroom door in Roa's face.  
  
_"Hey, let me in!"_ Roa pounds on the door. _"That's not nice!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Go back to your room Ro."_ _  
_  
Anya tells her through the door. Before Anya has any chance to react, the sound of feet hastily running across the room echoes.  
  
_"Ro, move."_  
  
The door to the bathroom flies open. Costia runs inside while talking a mile a minute on the phone. Roa gets a full view of Clarke resting against the counter and the thick, red blood rolling down her legs. Roa screeches and immediately begins to sob.  
  
_"Mommy!"_  
  
Roa runs into the bathroom and towards Clarke. Anya holds interference.  
  
_"Yeah...no. I don't know grandma! Hang on. I'll put her on."_  
  
Costia passes the phone to Clarke.  
  
_"Get her out of here."_  
  
Clarke urges Costia as she weakly reaches for the phone. Costia nods and pulls her screaming sister away while the younger one fights and flails.  
  
_"No! Mommy! Mommy is going to die! No! I don't want her to die!"_  
  
Roa kicks and attempts to punch Costia but somehow Costia manages to carry her out of the bedroom leaving Anya and Clarke alone.  
  
Clarke aims to pull the phone to her ear but her vision grows blurrier than she ever remembers it being in her entire life. Swiftly, she's completely disoriented. Her eyes are anvils in free fall and she feels her body sway. The sound of the phone hitting the ground is what snaps her back into semi consciousness. At least somewhat. Clarke thinks Anya picked up the phone because she can hear her talking. She can't make out everything her daughter is saying but she picks up a few words.  
  
_"Pale...blood...cold but sweaty."_  
  
Clarke feels her daughter’s hands on her face and she hears her mother's voice. The phone is now resting on the vanity and is on speakerphone. Clarke blinks fast and her eyes snap back into focus.  
  
_"Mom!"_  
  
Clarke hums.  
  
_"Mom, Grandma needs to know if it hurts."_  
  
Clarke nods and points to the lower part of her stomach.  
  
_"And my back."_  
  
Clarke mumbles out.  
  
_"She says the bottom of her stomach and her back hurts grandma."_  
  
Anya screams into the device.  
  
_"One to ten, Clarke. Rate the pain."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ten. Ten."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sweetheart, has the baby been active today?"_  
  
Clarke has kept it together up until this point but hearing the concern in her mother's voice triggers something in Clarke and a wave of underlying panic hits her. It's all too overwhelming. There's blood starting to pool around her feet, she's in agonizing pain, she can hear Roa screaming at the top of her lungs from down the hallway, and she may very well she lost the baby she has put so much faith in.  
  
_"My baby can't die mom. It can't. It hurts so much and I don't know what I did."_  
  
Clarke attempts to move but she's too weak and when she does she almost falls face first to the floor. Anya's quick reflexes mean she's there to catch her mother when Clarke leans forward but when Anya's arms come in contact with Clarke's firm stomach, she howls out in anguish. Clarke’s abdomen is tender and even her own hand causes extreme discomfort so when Anya puts force to catch her, screaming feels entirely unavoidable.  
  
_"Clarke, we need to get you to the hospital."_  
  
Abby tries to remain calm and pragmatic but Clarke speaks over her.  
  
_"I should've been more careful mom. I should have taken better care of the baby."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nana, sweetheart, I need you to help me."_ Abby says through the phone. _"I know this might be scary but you're in charge right now. This is Costia's phone right?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm so sorry."_ Clarke is talking over both of them but to neither of them in particular.  
  
_"Yeah."_ Anya answers her grandmother's question.  
_  
_ _"Ok. Good. I want you to call 911 on your own phone. I'm going to stay here the whole time but I need you to tell them what's going on. Tell them your grandma is the chief surgeon at_ _New York Presbyterian_ _and that she's requesting they bring your mother there. Tell them I think your mom had a placental abruption and that both her and the baby are in distress."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Anya digs through her pockets and starts to dial but the bedroom door swings open. Roa runs inside and towards the bathroom. Costia is only a second behind her. Anya stops and looks at her sister speaking to her more seriously than she ever has.  
  
_"Roa, go away!"_  
  
The screaming and the sight of blood again makes Roa's paroxysm even more intense.  
  
_"Ro, come on!"_  
  
Costia tries to pull her away but Roa shoves her.  
  
_"Anya, don't get distracted. You need to make that call right away."_  
  
_"I can't talk on the phone if she's screaming."_  
  
Anya utters frustrated.  
  
_"Baby..."_ Clarke pulls together whatever energy she can muster together to speak to Roa. _"Ro. Please. I'm fine. I'm okay, but I need you to go with Cos. Can you do that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No! You're going to die! Only sick people that go to heaven have blood! You're going to die!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop saying that! No one's going to die!"_ _  
_ _  
_ Anya snaps at Roa.  
  
_"Ok. No. I need everyone to calm down."_ Abby says from the speakerphone. _"Roa, enough. Your mom is sick but we're trying to make her better. Costia, grab your sister and take her to her room. Now."_ _  
_  
Abby surmised Costia did as she asked because her phone speaker abruptly vibrates with a blood curdling scream that becomes fainter as the moments pass.  
  
_"Anya. Make the call."_  
  
Anya fumbles with her phone and within seconds she's on the phone with the emergency line operator.

* * *

It takes less than a handful of minutes for the ambulance to arrive. The paramedics and Abby begin immediate communication.  
  
_"What are her vitals?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Blood pressure is at fifty over twenty two. Pulse is in the thirties. She's cold to the touch. No color to her skin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I gather she had a placental abruption."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd agree. Moderate to severe abruption is my guess. She's already showing symptoms of shock. From the rate of the blood loss she's probably going to need a transfusion."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Emergency C-section?"_  
  
Abby asks hastily.  
  
_"I don't see a way around it. Vitals for both are dangerously low and getting weaker."_  
  
The female paramedic responds as they finish strapping Clarke onto the gurney.  
  
_"I'll have everything ready when you arrive."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Give us a few minutes. Are the children coming?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I reached out to someone. They should be there shortly. Please just get her here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"On our way."_

The pair of paramedics move with the gurney out of the bedroom and towards the front door.

* * *

Anya follows the paramedics all the way down to the ambulance while she holds Clarke's hand. Before they put her in the ambulance Clarke squeezes Anya's hand and smiles weakly.  
  
_"You did good."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you. See you soon mom."_  
  
Anya tells her hopeful. Like she's making Clarke promise because she knows Clarke doesn't break promises. Clarke nods almost unnoticeably.  
  
It takes the paramedics only seconds before they have Clarke in the back of the ambulance and are speeding away.  
  
Anya's tears finally flow freely. She looks at the phone in her hand, presses a few buttons, and brings it up to her ear. The more the phone rings and goes unanswered the more upset she gets. The call goes to voicemail but it's full. Anya hangs up frustrated but redials immediately.  
  
_"Please pick up mom. Please."_  
  
Anya stands on the sidewalk amidst the humidity and as people whizz around her she begs the universe. The powers that be ignore her pleading and the call goes to voicemail again. Anya tries a third time.  
  
_"Mom. Come on! Pick up!"_  
  
Nothing.  
  
_"Shit!"_  
  
Anya stomps her foot frustrated and runs back upstairs.

* * *

Lexa has been going to the cemetery less often since the anniversary of Jake's death. Since it became obvious that Anya knew about where she went when she needed to get away. That particular location didn't feel comforting anymore because the whole point of Costia's grave was that it was **_her_** spot. The one place where she could hide and no one could find her. That seemed to no longer be the case. Maybe it wasn't ever and the thought of that made Lexa uncomfortable.  
  
Lexa has been actively looking for a replacement for months but nothing feels right. Instead she's settled on roaming the city until she finds a decent enough place to sit. Today it happened to be by the river looking at the water.  
  
Lexa had been lounging there for a few hours watching people jog by and tourist boats sail against the current. It's muggy out but not completely unbearable. Lexa opted to perch up in the shade and proceeded to block all the noise around her out. At least until now.  
  
_"Excuse me. Hi."_  
  
Lexa looks up to find a Latina woman in her twenties staring at her with a warm smile.  
  
_"Sorry to bother you, but do you happen to have the time? I'm supposed to be meeting someone but my phone died and I have no idea if I should leave yet."_  
  
Lexa grins weakly at the stranger as she slides her hand into her jeans to pull her phone out. She hits the button to light up the screen of the slim piece of technology and the entire length of it is full of notifications. She can tell she has missed calls from at least five different people. Lexa doesn't have time to scroll down the length of the screen or read them all because the first thing that catches her eyes are the most recent notifications. Her eyes are glued to the three last texts that rest at the very top. They're all from her sister.  
  
The first one is from 49 minutes before.  
  
**TEXT:** _"Call me back. Right now."_  
  
The one from 30 minutes ago was more urgent.  
  
**TEXT:** _"I'm at the cemetery, you're not here. Where the fuck are you? Call me!"_  
  
The one from twenty minutes ago was the one that really made Lexa's insides knot.  
  
**TEXT:** _"Clarke is in the hospital. 911."_  
  
When Lexa was in the foster system her sister told her that no matter what happened, if Lexa ever texted "911" she would drop everything to come get her regardless of where she was or what she was doing. "911" was serious to her and Anya. "911" was not to be thrown around casually. The last time either of them sent or received a text including "911" was the day Costia died almost twenty five years ago.  
  
When Lexa sees those three numbers on her screen her stomach drops and every cell in her body feels like it was dipped in liquid nitrogen. That's all Lexa has to read before she's up from the bench and running down the path at full speed leaving the confused stranger behind. Lexa brings the phone to her ear as she runs. Lexa hears her sister's voice on the other end before the first ring has the chance to end.  
  
_"Fuck you, Lexa. Fuck you."_ _  
__  
__"What happened? Where is she?"_  
  
Lexa is running down the paved walkway dodging people as she makes her way to the park’s entrance.  
  
_"Fuck you."_ _  
__  
__"You said that already! My phone was in my pocket! It was on silent. I wasn't purposely ignoring you. What happened to Clarke?! The baby?!"_ _  
__  
__"He was born an hour ago. You missed it."_  
  
Lexa's body comes to a sudden halt. A split second ago she was sprinting at full throttle and now she's standing completely motionless.  
  
_"He? It's...it's a boy?"_ _  
__  
__"You missed your fucking son being born Lexa. He's in the NICU, but they say he's going to be fine. You should fucking be here, but you're not."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke? Anya...Clarke."_

Lexa implores her sister for news of her wife. _  
_ _  
_ _"She's in post-op recovery."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Surg-what? Clarke...is she okay?"_  
  
Lexa swears she has never felt this much dread in her entire life. Not even as she laid on that garage floor dying. Her own death she could maybe handle. Not this though. Not Clarke.  
  
_"They don't...she lost a lot of blood. Something ruptured or snapped or something. I don't know!"_ Anya is unapologetically vexed. _"Lexa, if you care at all just fucking come. I'm not doing this over the phone. We're at Abby's hospital. Thirteenth floor waiting room."_ _  
_  
The call ends.  
  
A son.  
  
Lexa has a son again. A son who's been out in the world for an hour and she didn't have a clue.  
  
Someone bumps into Lexa as they walk by and she snaps out of her daze. She couldn’t be sure how long she's been standing there but once she's got her wits about her again her feet start moving. It feels like they don't stop until she's running into the hospital lobby and badgering nurses asking about Clarke seeing as she's completely forgotten what floor Anya told her they were at.

* * *

Lexa runs into the thirteenth floor waiting room. Her sister, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Monty, Harper, Bellamy, Echo, Murphy, Emori, Jasper, Maya, and all the respective children were there. Roa was asleep in Lincoln's arms, her face still puffy and red. She had obviously been crying. Nana and Costia were still pretty spooked over what had unfolded. They were sitting in the last two seats on the row to the left. Costia's head was resting against Nana's shoulder and their hands were intertwined.  
  
Lexa was clearly the last one to get there and that filled her with immense amounts of shame and guilt. When all the eyes in the room land on her, Lexa feels instantaneously unwelcomed. Some eyes roll, some mumble, others say nothing but their displeasure with her is no secret.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Lexa asks almost out of breath.  
  
_"None of your business."_  
  
Costia snaps at Lexa.  
  
_"No! Not today!"_ Raven nips the grandstanding she sensed coming before it even started. _"You two are not doing this here. This isn't about either of you. You..."_ Raven points at Costia. _"...shut up. You..."_ Raven turns to look at Lexa. _"...out."_ _  
_  
Raven pointed out of the room as she stood and walked towards the door where Lexa was standing. When Lexa doesn't move Raven pushes her out and further down the hallway away from everyone.  
  
_"What the hell is wrong with you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We all called. We all texted."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It wasn't intentional."_ Lexa stutters through her words. _"Not this time."_ Lexa practically mumbles hanging her head in embarrassment. _"I...my phone was in my pocket. It was on silent. I didn't hear any of it. Someone asked for the tim..."_  
  
_"Lexa, you know what? I don't care. I don't give a fuck what the excuse is. Clarke could've died. She almost did and not one of us could reach you. Your kids had to deal with it on their own. I got to your place and Anya was shaking. She was so upset she hadn't even noticed she had Clarke's dried blood on her hands. She's thirteen. A fucking child Lexa. That's not her job. You should've been there."_ _  
_  
Lexa can't make eye contact with Raven. The remorse is consuming her. Lexa can feel all the voices she had managed to get under control for months reverberate in her head again and shout how terrible of a person she was. Her mind was once again trying to convince her that everything bad that happened to the people she loved, to everyone around her was her fault. Lexa could feel herself shutting down anew and she didn't know how to stop it. She wasn't sure she wanted to even if she could.  
  
_"You're not going to say anything?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"God. You're a fucking piece of work Lexa. I don't know how Clarke puts up with you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Simmer the fuck down Reyes."_ Anya's voice interrupts. _"What happens between them is none of your business."_ _  
_  
Raven rolls her eyes and walks away from Lexa because her patience has hit its limit.  
  
_"Clarke is my best friend and your sister is an idiot. It_ **is** _my business."_  
  
Raven grits through her teeth as she walks past Anya and back in the direction of the waiting room.  
  
Anya walks up to her sister and her first instinct is to bring both her open palms to Lexa's shoulders and shove her. It's not exceedingly forcefully, but it still makes Lexa stumble back a step.  
  
_"If you knew how bad I wanted to clock you in the face right now."_  
  
Lexa stares at the floor.  
  
_"I didn't mean to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's fucking hard to believe given your track record."_  
  
Lexa keeps her eyes glued on the grey tile and doesn't speak. Anya stays silent as well at first, but she talks once again.  
  
_"I'm fucking trying to be patient with you Lexa. I am, but you're...it's fucking annoying. That's what it is. You have to get your shit together or you're going to lose everything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't mean to."_  
  
It's nothing more than a whisper. It's all Lexa can say.  
  
_"You know what? Fine. Let's say I believe you. Let's say this is the one time you didn't ignore all of us for hours while important shit was doing down like you've done over and over for the past two years. Let's say that actually sounds realistic. It doesn't change shit, Lexa. You still weren't there. That's the fucking problem."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I would have if..."_  
  
Lexa can't look at Anya because she can feel her sister’s eyes searing into her but she tries to explain anyway. Anya cuts her off.  
  
_"You weren't. Period. Stop making fucking excuses and own up to it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry."_  
  
Lexa beseeches for understanding. Perhaps even some support.  
  
_"Not good enough. That's not good enough anymore. Your kids need better than empty fucking apologies. Clarke does too. My sister would see that. I don't know what fucked up version of her this is that can't, but I hate it Lexa. I hate this you."_  
  
Lexa nods in agreement. It's all she can do. She contemplates her next step for a short while before moving around Anya and down the hallway.  
  
_"Are you really going to fucking walk away right now?!"_  
  
Anya asks incredulous. Lexa stops and turns just enough to speak over her shoulder.  
  
_"You're right. They need better than me. You're right."_  
  
Lexa is walking again.  
  
_"Lexa. Alexandria!"_ Lexa doesn't stop but Anya is not going to go after her because if she does she's not sure it’s going to end well. _"Fuck!"_ Anya mutters to herself.  
  
Lexa walks past the waiting room where everyone watches her leave.  
  
_"Mom?"_  
  
Nana tries to call out to her but she knows Lexa wouldn't hear it from this distance.  
  
The room erupts in loud whispers as the friends talk amongst each other. Lexa doesn't stop. She doesn't notice.

* * *

Lexa turns a corner as she searches for the elevator and Abby is just a few steps away.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
Abby smiles when she sees her. She's the first person who looks somewhat happy to come across Lexa, but at this point it doesn't really make a difference. Lexa can't stay.  
  
_"Tell her I'm sorry. Please."_  
  
Lexa tries to walk past Abby but Abby holds her arm.  
  
_"She's asking about you. She's still coming out of it, still mostly sedated but you're the person she keeps calling out for."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can't."_ Lexa's eyes swell with tears she's trying insanely hard to hold back. The idea of walking into a room and coming across Clarke connected to machines, knowing she almost died makes Lexa's chest constrict. _"I can't...I can't see her like that Abby. I can't."_  
  
Lexa had let her guard down. She let herself get close to Clarke again, but today was a reminder that doing so was a mistake.  
  
Lexa manages to slip from Abby's grip and away from her. Within seconds she's moved to the stairs and is gone.

* * *

Abby is the first family member to visit once Clarke is properly awake a few hours later. She walks into the hospital room and Clarke's head turns to the door when she sees it open. Clarke does her best to hide her disappointment the moment she realizes it's not who she wanted it to be, but Abby most definitely notices.  
  
_"Heard you were awake."_ Abby smiles at her daughter warmly as she sits on the bed. She takes Clarke's hand and holds it between her palm gently stroking the skin around the sharp, skinny piece of metal poking into the vein in her hand. _"There’s so many people outside anxious to see you. They all refused to go home. Roa is even drawing you a picture."_ _  
_  
Clarke smiles but asks the one thing that's occupying her mind at the moment.  
  
_"Lexa?"_  
  
Clarke was honestly more concerned about what this would do to Lexa than what it did to her. She knows how distressed she would be if the roles were reversed and Lexa feels things tenfold.  
  
Abby shakes her head no.  
  
_"She's not here?"_

Clarke looks and sounds crestfallen. _  
_ _  
_ _"She was here earlier. I saw her for a second. I don't know what happened, but she was upset and so is everyone else."_ Abby pauses for a beat. _"I think it scared her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Did she see him?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't think so."_ _  
_  
Clarke does her best not to cry at the thought of Lexa not meeting their son yet.  
  
_"Did you guys talk about names?"_  
  
Abby tries to steer the conversation in a different direction to keep Clarke from getting emotional. The last thing she wants is for the stitches to rip open if Clarke starts crying. Clarke nods.  
_  
_ _"Aden Nykolas. All Lexa knows about her dad is that his name was Aden and that he died in the Gulf War. She was never able to get the declassified file and the one they sent us was mostly redacted. That's all she has. Nykolas because of her dad's dad. He took care of her and Anya for a few years until he passed away. That's when they went to live with her mom. Lexa was really young so it's mostly fuzzy, but from what she can remember he was great to both of them even though Anya wasn't related to him. Lexa adored him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a beautiful name for a beautiful boy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is he okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. I was concerned he might have trouble breathing but he's doing perfectly even though his lungs are a little underdeveloped. He was breathing on his own much sooner than I anticipated and they went ahead and unhooked him from the oxygen a few minutes ago. He's a tough guy. Big guy too. I think he's going to take after your dad. His feet are huge."_  
  
Abby chuckles. Clarke smiles trying to imagine how he looks.  
  
_"Can I see him? I want to meet him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I made the call before I came in. He'll be in any second. How are you feeling?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Like I got cut open and had a baby ripped out of me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So as expected then."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I guess so."_  
  
Clarke smiles.  
  
_"You scared me there for a second. I almost lost you Clarke."_  
  
Clarke nods and she looks away from her mother and at her lap.  
  
_"If anything ever happens to me mom you have to look after them."_ Clarke pauses. _"Lexa too."_  
  
_"Nothing is happening to you. You're safe now."_  
  
_"I know. But tomorrow or next year something could. It was terrifying because all I kept thinking about was 'who's going to know which is the pair of socks Roa wears to bed? Or the one cereal that Anya eats? Or how Costia won't go near cabbage if you call it cabbage but if you tell her that it's lettuce she'll be fine with it? Or that Lexa is really picky with her bacon and won't eat it if it's not crispy enough but also won't eat it if it's too crispy?'. Only I know those things mom. I can't expect you to, but I at least need to know that you'd be there. If something happened to me you'd have to be there for Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course I would, Clarke. Of course. They're my family too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They're family Clarke. There's nothing more to.."_  
  
The door opens interrupting Abby. One of the Neonatal ICU nurses walks in holding a small human in a tiny bundle of blankets.  
  
_"Someone came to visit."_  
  
The nurse says in a peppy voice.  
  
Clarke smiles when she sees the body in the nurse's arms and does her best to immediately sit. She must have moved too fast because within a second she feels like she's splitting down the middle and hisses in pain.  
  
_"Careful, Clarke. You have to take it slow. Here."_ Abby stands to press a few buttons on the side of the bed. The motor begins to move and the bed folds doing the work to move Clarke into a sitting position. The pressure on her wound is quite uncomfortable at this angle, but she'd bear it in order to get that baby in her arms as soon as possible.  
  
Once Clarke is upright, the nurse leans down and places the baby against Clarke's torso. The moment that baby looks up at her, Clarke felt her chest burgeon. Every time she holds one of her children for the first time she tells herself there's no way she could love that intensely or immensely ever again but then they start to grow and prove her wrong every day. This moment felt special though. Clarke knew this was the last time she'd be doing this. She was certain of it. Clarke was aware that she had to take every second of it in because, even though she'd never admit it to Lexa out of fear of what baby craving monster she would create, holding a newborn feels perfect to Clarke. It always does. And once they get too big to be held like this, she begins to yearn for it once more. This moment, this feeling...this is exactly what Clarke been missing. What she needed.  
  
_"Hi baby boy. I love you."_  
  
Clarke whispered to the infant looking up at her curiously as tears rolled down her face. The baby cooed in what seemed like agreement and reciprocity.

* * *

Lexa walked until after it was dark. Until the city became quiet and almost peculiarly ghosttown-like for a New York night. Without really intending to, Lexa somehow found herself in front of her apartment building. She walked in and nodded at the familiar doorman who was now used to her seemingly strange schedule.  
  
Lexa walks into the elevator but instead of pressing the button for the fifteenth floor, she presses the button for the twenty second floor. The twenty second floor has a door that leads to a set of stairs that end in the roof.  
  
Lexa stoically rides up as the beeps signal the passing floors. When the door opens with a ding she exits and makes a left. She's seemingly running on muscle memory. Lexa is on autopilot because thinking about simple and mundane things like placing one step in front of the other is much more than she can handle at the moment.  
  
Lexa finds the door at the end of the hallway and goes up the steps two at a time. She reaches the roof, the one with the grills to the right and the fire pits to the left. The same fire pits where they spent quite a few summer sunsets laughing with the kids. She walks right past them tonight though. Luckily it seems to be too late for anyone to be indulging in the nicer weather and Lexa is up there alone. Lexa is boundlessly thankful for that. She didn't want to have to sit around waiting to be the last one there. She didn't want to delay the inevitable.  
  
Lexa walks to the very end of the roof. To where the roof stops being a roof and becomes sky. When she reaches the wall that demarcates the end of the building she doesn’t stop moving. Lexa seems resolute. Her limbs follow orders without any sense of hesitation.  
  
One foot up.  
  
Then the other.  
  
Lexa is on the ledge.  
  
Lexa stabilizes herself with her hand before straightening her back and standing. Her breaths are shallow and ragged. A strong gust of wind courses through and Lexa's body gently sways but within a second she manages to get her balance under control.  
  
Lexa's previously emotionless, nearly robotic demeanor crumbles into shards. She breaks out into sobs that force her entire core to convulse.  
  
_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_  
  
That's all Lexa is able to repeat.

 _This is for the best. Clarke and the girls...and your son. They'll be happier without you. You'll be happier without you. It's what needs to happen_.

 _"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been there that day. You shouldn't have. They were there to hurt me, not you. I'm sorry."_  
  
Every few seconds Lexa's tears slip from the edge of her chin and fall twenty two stories.  
  
_"I'm sorry Clarke. I'm sorry."_  
  
Lexa is weeping with such intensity that her words are cut up and mangled to the point where it would be almost unintelligible for anyone else.

 _Do it. Save them from yourself. You're finally not being selfish. You're giving them a chance to be happy. You're doing this for them. Take a step forward. Everyone will be better because of it. Don't be a coward_.

Lexa's thoughts urged her. They've been doing so since she regained consciousness at a hospital almost two years ago. She's fought them, managed to fend them off for this long but they were ringing inside her head louder and more imposing than ever. Lexa didn't have the energy to tune them out anymore. It was as if the dam broke today and all the worst of it was spilling out.

 _Once you're dead they'll be able to move on. You're the one thing holding them back. Give that to them_.

_"I'm sorry, Clarke."_

_Just one step Lexa. Take a step forward_.

Lexa steels herself. She's doing this for them.

Her foot comes off the cement about an inch.

Unexpectedly, her mobile rings.  
  
Lexa had turned the ringer on when she got off the phone with Anya earlier in the afternoon in case anyone tried to reach her again. In case anything happened to Clarke before she got to the hospital. Now the phone is in her pocket, buzzing and emitting a tune that echoes as it bounces against the surrounding buildings.  
  
The phone she ignored too many times today is now ringing again. Lexa inhales and digs her hand into her pocket. When her hand emerges with the device, the brightness of the illuminated screen makes her eyes squint.  
  
Now that there isn't fabric and a body pressed against it, the ringing coming from the phone is much clearer and in turn the echoes it produces are stronger.  
  
Lexa looks at the screen through the blurriness of her falling tears.  
  
Unknown.  
  
Anyone important would be saved on her contacts. It could be a wrong number. It might not even be for her.  
  
Lexa stared at it blankly and for a second considers letting it go unanswered, but before it stopped ringing her thumb slides over the screen and her arm brings the phone to her ear. Lexa is surprised by the fact that she answered. As she's trying to process what motivated her to do so, she doesn't say anything.  
  
_"Lex?"_  
  
It was Clarke's voice.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Lexa managed to groan out.  
  
_"I'm calling from the room. My phone is probably still at home."_  
  
A gust of wind echoes through the line and the headset on Clarke's end.  
  
_"Where are you? It sounds loud."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I...uhm..."_ Lexa scans the jagged and pompous Manhattan skyline sprawling across from her. _"I'm looking at the city."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah? What does it look like?"_ _  
_  
Clarke asks, her words dripping with the sound of sweet curiosity that tints her voice when she genuinely wants to know something.

 _"Bright."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It is. This city is very bright."_  
  
Neither of them says anything for what feels like eternity, but in reality is not more than a minute.  
  
_"I'm holding our son and I really wanted to hear your voice."_  
  
Lexa can't contain the strangled sob that bubbles up her throat.  
  
_"He's amazing Lex. He has the fattest cheeks and he's soft and has that new baby smell you love so much."_  
  
Lexa is positive Clarke can hear her crying because she's doing a terrible job at hiding her sobs by this point.  
  
_"Come see him."_

_That's a terrible idea._

_"Come hold him."_

_Don't be a wimp. You're already here._

_"Come meet our son."_

_Jump! Jump! Jump!_

_"Come see **me** , Lexa." _

_Don't do it. Stop being a pushover._

_"I'm coming."_

_You're fucking weak._

In that moment Lexa actively chooses to ignore the malignant thoughts inside her head. There's many things Lexa could be immune to, but a direct plea from Clarke in that needy, honest tone was never one of them.  
  
Lexa takes a measured step off the ledge and then a second one. She's back on solid ground. At least for right now.  
  
_"I'm coming."_  
  
Lexa walks away from the edge and towards the door that lead to the stairs.  
  
Clarke would never know that the call her brain insisted she urgently make because she absolutely needed to hear Lexa's voice right that second stopped Lexa's first attempt at taking her own life. It's not something Lexa ever felt the need to share with her wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't blame any of the characters for their reactions, but based on feedback from previous chapters I feel like there's a lot of people y'all can/will be mad at this chapter. I'm curious to see who makes the "Most Hated" list. :p
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	25. December 20, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I'm back about a day and a half later. Consider this a "Thank you!" for making this fic cross 2,000 kudos and 1,000 comments. This is my show of appreciation for your appreciation. Don't get used to the quick updates again though. This isn't me going back to daily chapters. It's just a special occasion :p 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**December 20th, 2018**

Lexa bolts awake and instinctively pats the empty half of the hotel room bed. She's covered in sweat and struggles to catch her breath.  
  
_"It was a dream. It was a dream. Just a dream Lexa."_  
  
Lexa chants in an attempt to calm herself down. She turns to look at the clock. 4:09 AM. She groans loudly and buries her face in her hands. In a matter of seconds she's flicking the covers off her body, turning on the lamp that rests on the bedside table, and getting out of bed. She heads for the desk on the opposite side of the room, pulls out the chair she had tucked in just a few hours ago, sits, and cracks open the folder that rests on the very top. Revisiting this is nothing short of masochistic because Lexa knows that is the same folder that contains the pictures that have been haunting her for weeks.  
  
For the past four months Lexa has been working a really nuanced and demanding high profile case. It was a gruesome attempted murder-suicide that left a mother and her two young daughters dead. The husband and perpetrator survived. He's now standing trial for the triple murder of every member of his direct family. Lexa is the lead prosecutor going up against a defense trying their best to work towards an _“not guilty by reason of insanity”_ verdict. Lexa’s main objective is to prevent that from happening.  
  
The murders took place in the stock broker's fancy Manhattan apartment, but Lexa had to travel upstate for further discovery of damning evidence. The family had a vacation home in the mountains and that's where the prosecution believed the detailed and methodical planning of the murders happened. Lexa also had a theory that the purchases for the gun and the axe used to commit the crimes were made in that city.  
  
Lexa had been gone from Manhattan since right after Thanksgiving break. Along with Strand and Nick, she had been in this skiing resort town and away from home for three weeks now as the team tried to piece together the months leading up to the night of the murders. Lexa has spent twenty two days pouring over the case files and particularly the crime scene photos. She’s had to dissect the endless photos of two little girls shot by their own father from every possible angle. When she wasn't looking at those, Lexa was analyzing home videos of when the victims used to be happy scouring for something she can use as evidence. Lexa knows she should be looking at these critically, but she can't help but draw parallels between those two little girls and her own daughters. Those little girls serve as hourly reminders that she's away from her girls and from Clarke. Lexa has long stopped being able to not see those crime photos and connect them to her family. Because of this, Lexa cries herself to sleep for three straight weeks. Lexa would never admit this to Clarke when they Skype every day though. Each day Clarke asks what's wrong and without fail Lexa avoids having to explain that she isn't entirely sure if she shouldn't recuse herself from this case because she's far from being impartial. Lexa hates the man. She abhors him and the things he did to his own children. Lexa can't understand how anyone could do that when she can't fathom hurting her own even in hypothetical scenarios.  
  
Lexa doesn't have to say any of this, Clarke can tell something's off. The bags under Lexa's eyes are a clear indication. On top of that, Lexa seems cold and withdrawn. Lexa won't admit to Clarke that she’s being distant because she's been having vivid and horrifying nightmares of coming home and finding her wife and daughters in the same positions as the mom and the kids lay on the crime scene photos she has to keep looking at. Lexa can't explain how she can see them - Clarke, Costia, and Anya - covered in blood, with glassy eyes, and gelid skin. Lexa won't go into the fact that sometimes she wakes up and swears she can taste the smell of blood and death in her mouth. It’s not something she would ever share with Clarke.  
  
Tonight, instead of thinking about Clarke and all the things she's not sharing, Lexa sits on the hotel desk and flips through the pages of the files on her desk. She had grown accustomed to being irritated at the inconvenient fact that she didn't seem capable of getting through more than a few hours of sleep, but tonight Lexa feels slightly more at ease even with the nightmares. Her work away from Manhattan is done, at least for a while, and in the morning she gets to go home.

* * *

Clarke stands barefoot on the couch hastily securing a few more pieces of tape to the enormous _"Welcome Home"_ sign the girls had made for Lexa. She was hanging it even if it didn't exactly spell what it should. Clarke was apparently not supervising the three year old too closely while she was "writing" - when by writing all Costia really had to do was fill in the traces Clarke had laid out for her - and now it actually looks like "Webone" rather than "Welcome". Clarke knew Lexa wouldn't complain, matter of fact she was positive Lexa would love it, so she leaves it as is.  
  
Clarke jumps off the couch, grabs the tiny pair of shoes she had placed on the coffee table, scoops the twenty one month old from where she lay on the floor across from the television, and perches her down on the coffee table while she sits on the couch. Anya immediately tries to get away. Clarke manages to pull her back and hold her down with one hand while she struggles to undo the straps with her free hand. Once she has the shoe open she tries to slide it onto the nearly two year old's feet but the little girl sways her legs in every direction while also swatting the shoe away with her hands.  
  
_"Nana, please."_ Clarke begs frustrated. _"We're going to be late. Momma's flight lands in twenty minutes and we still haven't left the house."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"NO MOMMY! SHOE NO!"_ _  
_  
Anya manages to knock the shoe off Clarke's hand. It rolls and disappears under the couch.  
  
_"Ok. Fine. Sure. Barefoot it is. Costia, can you please turn that off?"_  
  
Clarke turns to look over her shoulder at the three year old behind her staring intently at the television. Costia doesn't react.  
  
_"Costia. I'm not asking you again."_  
  
Clarke picks up the younger one and attaches her to her hip as she tries to hurriedly grab her bag and the girls’ bag.  
_  
_ _"Costia...now!"_  
  
Costia snarls under her breath.  
  
Costia was definitely her mother's daughter and they all but confirmed it when, as an eleven month old, the little girl was unhappy with what Clarke was trying to force her to do and seeing as she was not yet able to speak and fully verbalize her displeasure, she chose to give Clarke the unmistakable Lexa Snarl instead. Costia hasn't stopped doing it ever since.  
  
When Costia doesn't immediately turn the television off, Clarke stands by the open door and signals with her free hand to move it along. Costia finally complies and stands with a huff.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke pushes Costia out the door and locks it behind her as she begins her race to the airport.

* * *

Lexa had gotten a text the moment she turned her phone on after landing.  
  
**TEXT:** _"We're running late. They're being impossible today. I'm sorry. Hang tight. I love you. Can't wait to see you."_  
  
Unboarding the plane took longer than Lexa thought it should have. Although, there is also the possibility that Lexa was being irritable and impatient.  
  
Once off the plane, Lexa rushed to make her way to baggage claim. The terminal is crowded. JFK usually is, but around Christmas time it's a real life hell. Lexa hoped the sea of people isn't something she would have to endure for too long. She expected her family would be there by the time she got off the plane because beyond the inconvenience of the swarm of people, Lexa really couldn't wait any longer to see them. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't counting down the minutes to touch them, and smell them, and kiss them. To confirm they were real. That they were alive.  
  
Perhaps a quick reunion had been wishful thinking because Lexa had exited that plane forty five minutes ago and there was still no sign of her family.

* * *

_"Costia...hey. No. Get back here. Stay close."_  
  
Clarke said as she tried to navigate getting into the crowded NYC subway.  
  
Clarke tried hailing a cab but it was close to rush hour and those were scarce. After standing for ten minutes watching at least five hundred of them go by, Clarke decided the subway was the next best choice. Clarke now wishes she could slap her past self for that decision because there is no scenario in which putting a barefoot antsy toddler and an angry three year old inside a rush hour subway cart sounds like good idea. In any way, shape, or form.

* * *

Lexa sits on one of the chairs by the baggage carousel. She had an open book resting on her lap but she wasn't actually reading. Her phone was on top of it and she kept hitting the home button to illuminate the screen. She did so less to look at the time and more to catch a glimpse of her lockscreen picture.  
  
The picture was taken a few weeks before she left on her trip. The four of them had gone out to the park and Clarke had suggested they take a selfie. They did and given the day they'd been having thus far it came as no surprise that the results were less than stellar. Costia was mid sneeze, Anya was flailing and was nothing but a blurry blob in the photo, Clarke had turned her head to keep one of Anya's hands from smacking her right in the face, and Lexa looked nothing short of dead awful. It was easily the worst family picture they had but for some reason Lexa loved it. They were a true disaster on most days but they were **_her_ ** disaster and Lexa wouldn't trade them for the world.  
  
Lexa stares at the black screen when suddenly the word "Husband" and Clarke's picture flash on the bright display. Lexa's fingers move at lightning speed and before she knew it she had her phone in her hand and on her way to her ear.  
  
_"Hey. Where are you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm..."_  
  
Clarke's voice cuts Lexa’s answer.  
  
_"Nana...hey. No! You're going on timeout once we get home. Hey. Sorry. Anya is barefoot and keeps trying to jump off."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why is Nana barefoot?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Long story. You can ask her why she is suddenly averse to shoes once I finally find you. So...where are you?"_  
  
Lexa looks around to try and spot something she can give Clarke.  
  
_"Uhm...I'm on the Delta terminal. Next to baggage carousel number seven but I can come to you. Sounds like you ha-"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, stay put please. With the day I'm having we're bound to cross each other."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But I can-"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. Don't move. I'm coming. I'm just a terminal over. Give me like five minutes. I'll see you soon."_  
  
The last thing Lexa hears before the call ended was Costia shrieking. Lexa is aware she shouldn't have smiled at that, but she missed them to the point of irrationality and even the screaming seemed like a good thing right now.

* * *

It’s almost as if the clock appeared to be moving in reverse or that time wasn’t moving a tall. Lexa looked around the terminal in every direction trying to spot three blonde heads of hair but none were to be found. Clarke said five minutes and it felt like hours even though it only had been seven and a half. Lexa's patience was wearing thin.  
  
The moment she was about to pick up the phone and call to make sure nothing catastrophic had happened in the now eight minutes since she had talked to her wife, Lexa sees a messy blonde bun. The bun is attached to a person carrying a sniffly three year old in one arm and a disgruntled almost two year old in another. The girl with the bun that has hair spilling in every direction is also somehow managing to juggle a diaper bag and a purse almost as big as the diaper bag. It looked impossible, but Clarke was doing it.  
  
God, they're a mess.  
  
They're a true, veritable mess but Lexa has never been happier to see anyone. No one. Ever. Not more than she is to see those three girls of hers right now. Lexa involuntarily starts to smile as she promptly gathers her things while Clarke surveys the terminal trying to find her.  
  
Lexa tries to make her way as gracefully as she can with her two bags without breaking into a full sprint across the middle of the crowd. Even with the tall lanky body coming straight at her with intense determination, Clarke still can't spot Lexa.  
  
_"Where momma?"_  
  
Anya asks while she yanks on Clarke's shirt and pulls it down. More than the acceptable amount of cleavage is now showing.  
  
_"She's here...somewhere."_  
  
Lexa is getting closer and her eyes can't help but wander to Clarke's freshly exposed chest. Yeah, she definitely missed home.  
  
_"I want to go!"_ _  
__  
__"Costia...I..."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath in exasperation because she's on the verge of killing one or both of them. She has briefly contemplated it more than once. She's married to the best lawyer in the state after all. She could probably get away with it.  
  
Lexa is just a couple dozen feet away and Clarke still hasn't spotted her. By the look on her face Lexa can tell she's had a rough few weeks. Lexa makes a mental note to show her gratitude and reward her later.  
  
Clarke starts to move further into the terminal in the opposite direction of where Lexa is coming from.  
  
Lexa speeds up trying to close the distance and it would be a lie to say she didn't body slam a couple of people in the process.  
  
Clarke now has her back to her as she keeps walking further away.  
  
_"Clarke."_  
  
There's no logical reason that Clarke should've heard that. The terminal was packed to the brim and almost uncomfortably loud and Lexa spoke barely above a whisper. Lexa said it more to herself than anything, but the moment the name leaves her mouth Clarke turns around and looks directly at Lexa.  
  
Their eyes meet and it seems like they're both able to breathe again for the first time in almost two dozen days.  
  
Clarke moves as swiftly as she can with the extra sixty pounds she's lugging around courtesy of the two kids and the two bags dangling from her arms.  
  
Without the added obstacles Lexa can move much more freely and she practically runs towards Clarke.  
  
The distance between them is quickly evaporating and before they know it they're in front of each other.  
  
Lexa abandoned her bags a few feet behind. She really didn't care about them anymore. She had one goal in mind. Her lips on Clarke's.  
  
There were no hellos or pleasantries. Lexa brought her hands to cup her wife's face and dove right for the kiss. It was slow and deep and needy and all the things it shouldn't have been because they were in a jam packed airport terminal and their two children were literally centimeters away from their mouths, but Lexa didn't particularly care at the moment. Clarke didn't either. They both needed it. They both needed each other.  
  
It probably wasn't much longer than a full minute before Anya brought her hand to Lexa's face and started pushing her away from Clarke.  
  
_"Momma no."_  
  
Lexa didn't want to part ways with Clarke's lips, but it didn't seem like she really had a choice.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Lexa puts some space between them - as little as possible to be honest - and rests her forehead on Clarke's while she takes a second to look into the eyes she's been dreaming about. The ones that were hazy and languid and cold, lying on the floor lifeless and bloody. They're not that right now. They're far from and Lexa knows she's real. That her dreams aren't anything but that, just twisted bits of her overactive imagination. For the first time in weeks Lexa relaxes.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Clarke whispers back.  
  
This whole exchange didn't take longer than possibly two minutes but when you have two children and two very busy careers two minutes is sometimes all you get to make it count.  
  
_"Momma."_  
  
Anya says again pushing Lexa's cheek. Lexa gives Clarke another quick peck on the lips before she grabs Anya's hand and playfully bites is several times which makes the little girl squeal.  
  
_"I hear you're not a fan of shoes now Nana. What's that about?"_  
  
Lexa grabs the barefoot toddler from Clarke's arm who seems immediately relieved to not have the extra twenty two pounds to carry around. Lexa turns to Costia who, frankly, looks absolutely miserable.  
  
_"And you...what's going on with you? All I keep hearing from mom is that you're being bad. We need to have a talk when we get home, okay?"_  
  
Costia says nothing and basically jumps from Clarke's arms to Lexa's. She wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and holds on tightly, too tightly, as she buries her face in Lexa's neck.  
  
Costia missed Lexa. That much was unequivocally evident based on that reaction and suddenly her behavior was starting to make sense. Costia had only gotten extra bratty within the last week or so. Lexa was clearly gone for too long and her daughter missed her. Lexa made a second mental note to try and never be gone for this long again.  
  
_"Hey."_ Lexa tries to get Costia's attention. _"Cos."_  
  
The little girl squeezes her arms and legs tighter around Lexa and buries her face further into her mom's neck.  
  
_"I got you a present. Do you want me to give it to you now?"_  
  
Lexa asks while she seeks to maneuver in a way that would get the child dislodged from her neck. That only makes Costia hold on more firmly.  
_  
__"Ok. I guess not now then."_  
  
Lexa brings her gaze back at Clarke who, in all honesty, has probably never looked worse. She was dressed in a misbuttoned shirt covered in paint splatters, ratty paint-crusted jeans, and the bun that only has about two thirds of her slightly greasy hair contained. It was impossible for anyone to objectively claim that Clarke appeared even remotely put together at the moment, but it's not what Lexa sees. Lexa feels like she could fall in love with that woman every day, all over again for the rest of her life no matter what she’s looks like. Matter of fact, Lexa might even go as far as to say Clarke was glowing.  
  
_"Wanna go home?"_  
  
Lexa asks as Clarke leans up to give her a peck on the lips.  
  
_"Please. I have a surprise for you."_  
  
Clarke shares a mischievous smile before she backs away. Clarke readjusts the bags already on her shoulders and moves towards Lexa's abandoned bags. Clarke begins to roll those while Lexa carries the girls.

* * *

Clarke fumbles with the apartment keys. For some unknown reason unlocking the door has turned into a challenge.  
  
Lexa stands behind Clarke with one girl in each arm as she tells them some fantastical story about a radioactive gorilla in a post apocalyptic world.  
  
_"...and Pauna would climb all the buildings in the city looking for friends to play with be-"_  
  
The sound of Clarke finally getting the door open stops her farfetched tale. As much as Lexa loves having the girls this close, she's been carrying them since the airport. Her arms are very literally on fire and she's more than excited about the prospect of putting them down.  
  
Clarke pulls Lexa's bags in behind her and places them just inside the door. They'll deal with those later.  
  
Fish comes barreling from the back of the house but Lexa ignores the animal chaotically running between her feet. She's more focused on the masterpiece hanging on the wall: her welcome sign. Lexa immediately tears up and walks closer to where it hangs so she can see it in all its messy glory.  
  
_"I love this! Who made it? Did you do that Cos?"_  
  
Costia beams proudly.  
  
_"Yeah. Mommy let us use her paints and everything."_ _  
__  
__"It looks fantastic!"_  
  
Lexa kneels down to be eye level with the girls.  
  
_"Did you let Nana help? Were you painting with Cos Nana?"_ _  
__  
__"She no me paint momma. Cos no me touch."_  
  
Anya was clearing ratting out her sister for not letting her help with the sign at all.  
  
_"That's not true! You're a liar!"_ _  
__  
__"I no!"_  
  
Anya replies defensively. She is shutting down Costia's narrative quite harshly. Just as a fight was about to break out Clarke steps in.  
  
_"No. We're not doing this again. Go to the playroom and put some toonies on for a bit, ok?"_  
  
Without needing much convincing the girls run away towards the back of the apartment. The dog chases after them. Lexa stands and looks at Clarke with a tender smile.  
  
_"Have they been like this the whole time?"_ _  
__  
__"You have no idea."_  
  
Lexa laughs as she falls back onto the couch.  
  
_"Thank you for holding down the fort while I was gone."_  
  
Clarke sits next to her and places a hand on Lexa's knee.  
  
_"I almost went crazy but we made it."_ _  
__  
__"Yeah. I almost went crazy too."_ _  
_  
There's a few seconds of comfortable silence before Lexa speaks.  
  
_"I'm thirsty."_ _  
__  
__"What do you want?"_  
  
Clarke makes to get up.  
  
_"I got it. It's fine."_ _  
__  
__"Just tell me what you want Lex."_  
  
Clarke begins to walk towards the kitchen and much to her dismay Lexa follows her.

* * *

Lexa finally gives in when they step into the kitchen.

_"Water is fine."_

Clarke heads for the fridge, Lexa trails behind. Clarke hands a bottle of water to Lexa and rests against the kitchen counter crossing her arms against her stomach as she watches Lexa gulp down the contents of the bottle. She had clearly been parched.  
  
Lexa never breaks eye contact even as she leans her head further back to get the last few drops remaining in the bottle. Lexa puts the lid back on the empty container and walks towards Clarke. They're now inches apart. With their eyes locked, Lexa places the bottle behind Clarke on the counter and brings both her hands to cup her face. They stare at each other without saying a word.  
  
Lexa slowly begins to close the distance between their lips and when they finally meet Clarke unwraps her arms from herself and places them on Lexa's hips.  
  
The kiss is slow and tender at first but it quickly escalates in its intensity. Lexa needs more. She needs to feel Clarke. The kiss deepens and becomes passionate and sloppy and frenzied. Lexa moans into Clarke's mouth and Clarke's response is to explore Lexa's mouth with her tongue.

Lexa's hands begin to wander. They move down from Clarke's face, make a pit stop on her breasts, and then inevitably end up at the top of her jeans. Lexa tries desperately to undo the button but when her fingers lack the necessary coordination she opts for pushing her hand down the top of Clarke's waistband. In an instant Lexa dexterously finds her way into Clarke’s underwear. Clarke is already aroused and it makes it easier for Lexa to move around as she searches for Clarke's strategic bundle of nerves.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Clarke tries to put some distance between them but Lexa chases her with her mouth.  
  
_"Babe."_  
  
Lexa desperately tries to kiss Clarke again.  
  
_"Lex. Hang on."_  
  
Clarke insists significantly more sternly. This time, Clarke’s tone catches Lexa's attention. Lexa opens her eyes to reveal her dark, dilated pupils and stares at Clarke slackjawed.  
  
_"I want this. I do, but the girls could walk in any second."_  
  
Clarke gently pulls Lexa's hand out of her jeans while Lexa does her best to regain control of her breathing.  
  
_"As soon as we put them to bed tonight. Ok? I'm not saying no, just not right now."_  
  
Lexa gives her the signature nod.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_ _  
__  
__"Shh...nothing to be sorry about."_ Clarke delicately plays with the damp fingers she just pulled from her thong. _"You know I want this just as badly, but I don't feel like trying to explain to Costia why your hand was down my pants. That one time she walked in on us in the shower and then asked questions for five days straight was awkward enough."_  
  
Lexa smiles. Clarke wraps her arms around her wife's waist and pulls her closer, bringing her in for a hug. Lexa nuzzles her face into Clarke's neck as she melts into her arms. Lexa feels completely and utterly safe for the first time in three weeks.  
  
_"You smell good."_  
  
Lexa mumbles into Clarke's skin.  
  
_"I haven't showered in two days because they literally won't leave me alone long enough for me to change my shirt much less take all my clothes off."_ _  
__  
__"You still smell good."_ _  
_  
Clarke laughs as Lexa places gentle kisses on the spot of Clarke's neck directly across for her lips.  
  
_"I missed you."_  
  
Lexa hums in agreement before she verbalizes her response.  
  
_"Me too."_ _  
__  
__"Don't ever go away and leave me alone for that long again. I almost killed them."_  
  
At that sentence Lexa's body tenses up and becomes completely rigid. Flashes of the crime scene are back in her mind and she immediately straightens her body to look at Clarke.  
  
_"Please don't say that."_  
  
Clarke's initial instinct is to start laughing but then she realizes how serious Lexa is and sobers up.  
  
_"Lexa...what's wrong? You've been weird for days."_ _  
__  
__"Nothing. I'm fine. Just please...don't say things like that."_ _  
__  
__"Ok. Ok."_ _  
_  
Clarke rubs her hands on Lexa's hips and pulls her in close again trying to ease whatever was going on in her mind.  
  
_"Whenever you're ready to talk about it you know that I'm here right?"_  
  
Lexa nods against Clarke's neck and kisses her once as Clarke rubs circles up and down her back.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
Lexa whispers against her skin.  
  
_"I love you too."_  
  
They lean against the counter in silence for a good ten minutes just reveling in each other's presence before Lexa breaks the silence.  
  
_"What's my surprise?"_ _  
__  
__"Hmm..."_ _  
__  
__"You said you had a surprise for me at the airport."_  
  
Clarke turns her head slightly and kisses Lexa's forehead.  
  
_"Oh right...my mom is picking the girls up when she gets off her shift tomorrow. Her, Octavia, and Raven are going to tag team babysitting duties during the weekend and you and I are going away."_  
  
Lexa brings her face up to Clarke's only to find her smiling.  
  
_"Going away where?"_ _  
__  
__"I AirBnB'd us a cottage in The Hamptons. You, me, the beach, sex, sex on the beach. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's one of my early Christmas and Sexaversary presents."_  
  
Lexa's smile grows as the sentence progresses.  
  
_"Sexa-what?"_ _  
__  
__"December 20th. Nine years ago. It was the first time you took advantage of me."_  
  
Lexa cackles at that statement.  
  
_"That's some revisionist history if I've ever heard one._ **YOU** _got_ **ME** _drunk and then bossed me around in bed all night. If anyone was taken advantage of, it was definitely me."_ _  
__  
__"I went down on you for like two hours that night. You took advantage of me and my skills. Abused my kindness and generosity."_ _  
__  
__"Oh yeah! You are_ **so** _selfless."_

Lexa fires back in a mocking and sarcastic tone. _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhum."_ Clarke punctuates every word with a kiss. _"I'm the queen of orgasm selflessness."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you? Who gave you that fancy title?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Me."_  
  
Clarke winks at Lexa playfully.  
  
_"Does that make me the king?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nah. You're my side bitch. You keep my bed warm while the old, mad king is away."_  
  
Lexa's hearty laugh echoes through the kitchen.  
  
_"Let's add 'queen of romance' to the titles as well."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Pfft...please. Remember when I had your number within five minutes of meeting you? Romance is my specialty."_  
  
Lexa laughs once more before kissing Clarke's cheek repeatedly.  
  
_"You are insane, Griffin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's Queen Griffin to you...Commander."_ Lexa's cheeks and ears burn at the sound of that name. She'll never really get used to hearing it outside of certain situations. Clarke chuckles. _"It's so easy to fluster you. I'm glad I get to do it until we're old and all saggy."_  
  
Lexa scrunches her face in disgust.  
  
_"The moment you get saggy I'm filing for divorce and marrying my youngest intern."_  
  
Clarke pulls Lexa as flush as she can against her body.  
  
_"I'd like to see you try. You're stuck with me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Am I?"_  
  
Lexa asks skeptical. Clarke leans in to kiss her.  
  
_"Kinda. Yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I guess I could live with that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good."_  
  
Clarke leans in once more and within seconds their tongues are gently and curiously exploring each other's mouths. It's more loving than sexual. It's amorous and vulnerable. It's just what they needed after more than twenty days apart.  
  
Lexa pulls away and kisses Clarke's forehead letting her lips linger on her warm skin.  
  
_"Did you really convince your mom and Marcus to take the girls the weekend before Christmas and after a sixty hour shift so that we could go have sex on the beach in the middle of winter?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You may or may not have agreed to give Sinclair a consultation on his divorce if she took the girls."_  
  
Clarke grins innocently trying to play it off.  
  
_"Clarke!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you want a weekend of sleeping in and not having to keep it down when I make you come or not? Because I can call her-"_  
  
Clarke plays coy quite convincingly. Too convincingly sometimes.  
  
_"No! It's fine. It's fine. I'll meet with Sinclair."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I figured as much."_  
  
Clarke smiles and leans in to kiss Lexa.  
  
_"You owe me a lot of sex for that one. You know I hate Sinclair."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll make it worth your while."_  
  
Clarke states with a flirtatious and self-assured tone.  
  
_"I'm holding you to that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're going to remember this weekend forever. Promise."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Does it have anything to do with the fact that you said it was "one" of my early gifts?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So smart."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do I get a hint of what else I get?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nope."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can I bribe you for a hint?"_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa asks before her lips travel to Clarke's neck and begin to deposit kisses in all of the spots known to make Clarke falter.  
  
_"I'm unbribable."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You sure about that?"_  
  
Lexa's hands glide under Clarke's shirt on their way to her bra. Just as her fingers graze the underwire a shriek comes from the back of the apartment.  
_  
_ _"MOMMY!"_  
  
Costia screams and Lexa groans.  
  
_"I_ **knew** _it was too quiet."_  
  
_"I've been dealing with this for three weeks. You're up."_  
  
Lexa rests her forehead against Clarke's and takes a deep breath when another set of screams originates from the playroom.  
  
_"Why did we decide we wanted kids again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex..."_ Clarke places her hands on each of Lexa's cheeks and pushes her head back so they can look at each other. Clarke cocks her eyebrow. _"We? We?_ **YOU!** _I was fine with zero kids. I could be fucking you on the counter right now if there were zero kids. Don't blame this one on me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."_ Lexa jokingly dismisses her. _"You love the craziness just as much as I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a negative, Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever you say, Griffin."_ _  
_  
Lexa gives Clarke one last proper kiss before untangling herself from the comfort of her wife’s arms and warmth. She gives Clarke one additional peck prior to turning on her heels and heading in the direction of the playroom leaving Clarke alone in the kitchen.  
  
Clarke smiles to herself as she faintly overhears Lexa trying to fix whatever disagreement their daughters are presently having. Clarke delicately brings her hands up to lay on her stomach and rubs little circles with her thumb.  
  
_"Wait till she finds out about you and how you're going to make this house even more insane."_  
  
Clarke looks down at her belly. It's nothing much, not at the moment, but when she looked at herself in the mirror that morning Clarke swore she clearly saw a tiny little baby bump peeking out from her midriff. Clarke was sure Lexa will absolutely agree the instant she gets the news this weekend.  
  
Lexa had no idea yet, but this year she would be getting what would top the list of her favorite Christmas presents for the rest of her life. This year Clarke was not only giving Lexa a baby, she was giving Lexa a son...a son that would down the line also become a best friend. Regardless of what would eventually happen, Lexa would always consider Jake her greatest gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	26. March 12, 2031

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all about what the family dynamic looks like now that Lexa is back home. It couldn't exactly all be puppies and rainbows, now could it? Some people are happy about it, some are less than thrilled, and some lines may be drawn in the sand with this return. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Alright! Beyond the chapter itself I have tons of things to share, so let's get to it. 
> 
> 1) I finally stopped procrastinating and picked the chapters that are vitally integral for the core of the story out of the tens I have laying around. I have a number of chapters left before the end of the story: 12. So eleven more after this one. Even when those are published, I'll still have about eighty notes with fully or half written chapters on my phone and I do want to share some of them because I think they're pretty cute, they just don't necessarily move this Main Plotline of the story forward. Some of them are actually personal favorites. Just Clexa and the kids going on about their lives on a random Tuesday or something lol. It certainly won't be all eighty, but there will be a handful or so. I need to decide how to get them out, but I think it might be easier if I just keep publishing them at the tail end of this same story once the twelve chapters are wrapped up. I'll also let you guys request things you might have liked to see if I don't touch upon them on these last dozen. I'll address the best ones because I know that 9/10 times I'll have something that sort of resembles it because the leftover chapters are all over the place. 
> 
> 2) I have made a color coded linear timeline of events for you guys! You won't be able to say you got confused about when something happened anymore :p http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/161071209290/if-loves-so-easy-why-is-it-hard-a-timeline
> 
> 3) Someone asked for a description of the apartment and I did a detailed post with visual aid for those of you who want to picture it better: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/161086491460/hi-big-fan-of-you-cfau-fic-was-just-wondering-if
> 
> 4) Someone else asked what all the adults do in terms of profession and I went into that here: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/161138802085/cfau-wise-have-you-talked-about-the-other-adults
> 
> Hopefully this all helps form a more fleshed out, three dimensional, and well-rounded universe in your head.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**March 12, 2031**

5:22 AM. It's a Wednesday, one of the last few left of this frigid New York winter. Clarke and Lexa's bodies are tangled in each other. The forty one year old and the thirty eight year old lay in such close proximity with their limbs intertwined to such a degree that it would be difficult to differentiate where one ended and the other began.  

Clarke's hands run up and down Lexa's naked and sweaty chest. Lexa's eyes are closed but a content, drowsy smile paints her features. Her open palm wraps around Clarke’s hip while her fingers absentmindedly drum against Clarke’s damp skin. Lexa inhales deeply before exhaling with a huff.  
  
_"What are you thinking about?"_  
  
Clarke whispers.  
  
_"That I wouldn't mind being woken up like this every day."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No?"_ Clarke smiles and kisses the bit of skin closest to her mouth. Lexa shakes her head no. _"You can blame the dreams I was having for the early wake up call."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"So basically, what you're saying is that I just made your dreams come true?"_  
  
Lexa's languid grin grows.  
  
_"Always."_  
  
Clarke retorts cheekily. In one swift motion Clarke swings her knee over Lexa's waist and straddles her. Lexa finally lets her lids flutter open. They both chuckle when their eyes meet and they take note of the messy hair and the half-lidded, post-sex hazy look the other one sports.  
  
_"I probably need another five minutes. I still can't feel my legs."_  
  
Clarke sniggers at Lexa's honesty.  
  
_"Are you complaining?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not even slightly. I just can't keep up with you. Not that I ever could, but I'm getting old. You have to be gentle with me."_  
  
Clarke caresses Lexa's collarbone and cups her face.  
  
_"You're not old."_  
  
Lexa cocks her eyebrow silently refuting that statement.  
  
_"My back cracks when I move. I'm old."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You've never looked more beautiful to me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you trying to get in my pants, Griffin? Because I know that's a solid lie."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't need to work to get in your pants, Woods. You're not wearing any."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Got me there."_  
  
They both laugh and stare at each other in silence taking in every inch of exposed skin.  
  
_"What are you thinking?"_ Clarke repeats her original question. Lexa scrunches her bottom lip and shrugs while shaking her head. Clarke leans down and kisses her tenderly. _"What are you thinking?"_ _  
_  
Lexa has been home for close to three weeks. Those twenty something days have been plenty of time for her and Clarke to begin falling back into a routine and back in tune with each other. Because of this, Lexa knew exactly what Clarke was asking from her. One of the things Doctor Tsing was attempting to get Lexa to do was open up to Clarke. In both her individual therapy sessions and in her joint sessions with Clarke it was made explicitly clear to Lexa that one of the main goals they needed to achieve was for her to learn the importance of candidly sharing her thoughts and feelings with her wife. Communication between them was going to be key moving forward. Clarke made a point of stating that much quite firmly. It didn’t feel like something that was negotiable.  
  
Lexa takes a breath and closes her eyes anew. It was sometimes easier to talk to Clarke about difficult things if Lexa doesn't look at her. Clarke's gaze carried so much weight that it was hard for Lexa to divert from her lifelong instinct to recoil and compartmentalize if she could see her wife.  
  
_"That it's been one thousand and two days today. Two years, eight months, and twenty seven days. I add a day to my count every morning. It's the first thing I do when I wake up."_  
  
Clarke plants soft kisses around Lexa's face.  
  
_"I don't know if that's healthy Lex. Keeping track I mean."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's forehead and runs her thumbs over her cheeks.  
  
_"I have to. I need to know. I'm in the dark about so many things, about what happened that night. Why did they choose that day? Why the garage? Why still do it if they saw I wasn't alone? What did Jake feel? Did he understand what was happening? Was he scared? I think he was scared, then how scared was he? Was he in pain? There's just so many things I need to know, Clarke. I don't have the answers to any of them. Not yet, but I can know how long it's been. I can know_ **one** _thing. So I count the days. Sometimes I'll look at the time and I'll count the hours until the next morning that way I know how far away I am from another day without him. And I..."_ Lexa catches herself and realizes the things she's sharing. _"I'm sorry. I didn’t...you don't want to hear this. I don't want to make you upset."_ _  
_  
Clarke can feel Lexa shutting down again.  
  
_"Hey. No. Lexa."_ Clarke chases Lexa flighty eyes. _"Hey."_ Lexa finally looks at her. _"I asked because I want to know. I want you to tell me these things. If it helps you then we can keep track together. Okay?"_ Clarke softly kisses her once. _"You and me. We do it together. Yeah? One thousand and two."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One thousand and two."_ _  
_  
Clarke curls up against Lexa's chest. Lexa wraps her arms around her wife and pulls her close.  
_  
_ _"I feel like I failed."_  
  
Lexa speaks quietly. Almost as if she didn't want Clarke to hear what she was sharing. Clarke pivots her head so she can look up at Lexa.  
  
_"Failed at what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Everything. I failed him, I failed you, I failed the girls. I've failed Aden his entire life so far."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You didn't. You're here. That's all that matters now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I wasn't here for so long."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And I held down the fort until you came back. It's what we do. It's how we've always done it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I couldn't protect him. I didn't support you. I wasn't there for them. I checked out. I didn't know what else to do, Clarke. I still don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're trying. This..."_ Clarke nuzzles into Lexa's chest. _"...talking to me. This proves it. I don't expect things to change overnight, but the fact that we're here, in bed, together, and having this conversation...it's progress and you should be incredibly proud of that. I know I am. We have to work at it every day. We can't rush it. Doctor Tsing told us this, remember?"_  
  
Lexa nods. They lay in silence for long moments before Lexa speaks.  
  
_"I want to get better."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I believe you."_  
  
Clarke holds Lexa impossibly tighter.  
  
_"It might take a while."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll be right here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if I can't? What if I'm never like I used to be again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not who I used to be either, Lex. We all changed that day. Every single one of us. We just have to figure out a way to move forward being new people. Whatever version of you that is, I'll love."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if you don't?"_  
  
Lexa asks, the terrifying hesitation unmistakeable in her trembling voice. Clarke moves back to a sitting position so she can look into Lexa's eyes.  
  
_"That's impossible."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It could happen."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lexa...it's not possible."_ Clarke has never been more sure of anything in her life than she is of that statement. _"Do you believe me?"_ Lexa nods. _"Okay good because we have a birthday girl to go wake up."_ _  
_  
Clarke kisses Lexa one last time before she rolls off her and plants her feet on the floor.  
  
_"I think you should get her. I'll work on the waffles."_  
  
Lexa nods. Clarke grabs her robe and wraps it around her naked body before exiting the bedroom and heading for the kitchen. Lexa throws sweatpants and a t-shirt on before heading for Anya's room.

* * *

Lexa steps into the room quietly. She hovers over the bed and scans her daughter's peaceful sleeping form for long moments before sitting on the empty side of the mattress and running her hands over the slept on, dirty blonde braids.  
  
Anya had inherited the best of both her and Clarke. From Lexa she got the love for books, the tenaciousness, and that steely temperament that allowed her to navigate the last two years and come out of them as unscathed as anyone could. From Clarke she got her dry sense of humor, her artistic sensibilities, her forgiving heart, and her unwavering strength. Lexa worried about all of the girls, but she worried about Anya the least. Something told Lexa that this kid would grow into an amazing woman who would excel at anything she set her mind to.  
  
Lexa bent down and gave Anya's forehead a lingering kiss. Anya squirms and immediately groans without opening her eyes. When Lexa tries to move away Anya wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and pulls her down. Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Got you."_  
  
Anya mumbles into Lexa's hair revisiting one of their old games.  
  
_"How much will my freedom cost me?"_  
  
Lexa struggles to free herself from her daughter’s hold.  
  
_"Twenty more minutes and ten kisses."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Five minutes and seven kisses."_  
  
Lexa tries to haggle as they normally did.  
  
_"Fifteen minutes and nine kisses."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Eight minutes and eight kisses. Final offer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ten minutes and eight kisses."_  
  
Anya counter offers.  
  
_"Okay. I can live with that."_  
  
Anya moves over to give her mom room to lay with her. Lexa rests her head on the pillow and pulls her daughter to her chest before giving her a kiss.  
  
_"One."_  
  
Anya hums and wraps her arms around Lexa.  
  
Before Jake died, Lexa would be the one to generally wake the kids up for school. Naturally that meant she had individual morning routines with each one. As much as she hated waking up earlier than she needed to, Lexa had asked Clarke to give her mornings with them. Lexa wasn't always positive she'd be home by their bedtime, but she was usually there in the mornings and she wanted to take advantage of that. There were some exceptions, but for the most part Lexa was the first thing the girls and Jake saw when their days started. During that time Lexa learned something pretty quickly, Anya hated waking up just as much as she did. Getting her out of bed took some finesse. Each dawn Lexa would find herself having to barter and negotiate terms giving Anya little bonuses like extra time in bed, kisses, or a few additional dollars in her allowance that week.  
_  
_ _"Happy birthday Nana."_ Anya hums once more. Lexa kisses her again. _"Two."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm glad you're here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Me too."_  
  
Lexa pulls her daughter closer to her chest.

* * *

Lexa and Anya lay in silence for long minutes, long enough for Anya's breath to start evening out anew. Lexa kisses her again.  
  
_"Seven."_  
  
Anya whimpers knowing her extra minutes in bed and kisses are almost over.  
  
_"Five more."_  
  
Lexa laughs at the pleading in Anya's voice.  
  
_"Your mom is working on the birthday waffles already. They're going to get cold and if they get cold they get soggy and yucky."_ Anya stomps her feet on the mattress in protest. _"Ok. Three minutes but only because it's your birthday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Glad it comes with some perks."_ _  
_  
Lexa kisses her once more.  
  
_"Eight."_  
  
_"Do I get more kisses because I got more time?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't see why that wouldn't be fair."_  
  
Lexa places a kiss on the top of her head again.  
  
_"Nine."_  
  
They stay in silence for a beat before Anya speaks.  
  
_"My New Year's wish was that you came back home. Thank you for making it true."_  
  
Lexa's eyes fill with tears and she grips her daughter tighter. Lexa knows Anya is like her. She doesn't talk about her feelings all that often, but when she does she says exactly what's on her mind.  
  
_"I'm sorry. For everything."_  
  
Lexa whispers into her hair.  
  
_"I don't think you have anything to be sorry about. You were sad. Sometimes being sad makes people do stupid things."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When did you get so smart?"_  
  
Anya shrugs.  
  
_"I must get it from mom."_  
  
Anya tells her jokingly and Lexa pokes her causing the teenager to squirm. The door swings open and Clarke stands at the threshold looking at them.  
  
_"Why can't I ever trust the two of you to get out of bed on time?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because beds are warm and sleeping is great."_  
  
Anya retorts still not opening her eyes.  
  
Clarke shakes her head, walks into the room closing the door behind her, and moves to the opposite side of the bed from where Lexa lays. She slides under the covers and throws her arms over Anya and incidentally Lexa sandwiching the now fourteen year old between her mothers. Clarke kisses Anya's shoulder.  
  
_"Happy birthday baby. The waffle batter is ready to go. I need you guys to get up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can we stay here?"_ The last time Anya had both her moms together like this was...she can't even remember when, but she doesn't want this to end. _"This is better than waffles."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Waffles are a tradition. We can't skip the waffles."_ _  
_  
Lexa argues.  
  
_"We can have them in a little bit."_ Clarke counters as she squeezes her girls closer. _"Fourteen, huh?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yup."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're going to high school this year."_ _  
_  
Anya notes the crack in her mother's voice.  
  
_"Too early to cry mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're so big though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Still too early."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mommy?"_  
  
They can hear nine year old Roa call from the hallway. The youngest one tends to crawl into the big bed each morning as everyone else gets ready for the day, but seeing as they weren't there or in the kitchen Roa is probably confused.  
  
_"We're in Nana's room Ro."_  
  
Clarke half screams and within seconds the door flies open. Roa sees the pile of bodies on the bed and doesn't hesitate to join in. She runs over, jumps on the mattress, and crawls on top of Anya. Anya grunts at the added weight.  
  
_"It's Nana's birthday Roro."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know!"_  
  
Roa bounces with her full body weight on top of her sister several times.  
  
_"Ok. Too much love."_  
  
Anya protests.  
  
_"Do we get waffles today then mommy?"_  
  
Roa looks at Clarke while she continues to bounce on Anya's body.  
  
_"It's someone's birthday. Of course we do. But these gals are being lazy and refuse to get out of bed. You might have to help me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I_ **will** _start kicking if anyone tickles me."_  
  
Anya warned severely.  
  
_"You mean you want to be tickled? Great plan."_  
  
Clarke speaks while looking at Lexa and Roa. The three silently agree. Lexa's hands fly to Anya's side and Anya squeals. Roa and Clarke swiftly join in and for the first time this morning Anya's eyes finally open as she tries to squirm away.  
  
_"Not fair! That's three against one. NOT FAIR!!!"_  
  
The four of them laugh as they roughhouse on the bed and for a second it feels like before. None of them are thinking about anything but the present moment.

* * *

The four of them stay like that, some limb knotted with some other random one and laughing, for well over ten minutes. The grey cloud that has hovered over the family for years suddenly lifted, at least until Clarke's eyes notice the shape on the door. She stops.  
  
_"Cos. Hey."_  
  
Fifteen year old Costia stares stoically at the four bodies on the bed. Lexa and Anya turn as well but Roa continues trying to play. When the three sets of eyes fall on her, Costia shakes her head and turns to walk away.  
  
_"Cos."_  
  
Anya calls after her. Barring Jake being alive again, the only way this morning could be any more perfect would be to have her big sister join them. Costia doesn't stop.  
  
_"Cos, come back."_  
  
Anya pleads but doesn't get a response. A few seconds later Costia's door slams shut and the mood in the room changes. They're back to reality.  
  
_"We should get up."_ Clarke tells them as she rolls off the bed after a few seconds. _"Come on, Ro. Let's get you in the shower."_ _  
_  
Clarke pulls the little one off the bed and takes her out of the room with her.  
  
_"You need to be out of that bed in less than a minute. I'm serious."_  
  
Clarke warns Lexa and Anya before disappearing into the hallway. Lexa takes a deep breath and looks over at Anya who now frowns.  
  
_"Are you excited for tonight?"_ Anya shrugs. Lexa knows exactly what's bothering her, because it bothers Lexa quite often too. _"Cos is stubborn, but I think she'll come around. We simply have to let her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why does she make everything harder?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's hurt. Sometimes being hurt makes people do stupid things."_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa repeats the words Anya told her minutes ago.  
  
_"You got better. Why can't she?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's doing her own thing at her own pace."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's frustrating because sometimes we're okay and she makes things bad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Frustrating or not, she's your sister. You have to have each other's back no matter what. I haven't always been the easiest, but your aunt has always had mine. Knowing someone is there for you unconditionally means a lot if you're going through a tough time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Even when she's like this?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Especially when she's like this. That's when she needs you the most."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm walking into that room in thirty seconds and you two better not be where I left you when I do."_  
  
Clarke shouts from the other end of the hallway. Lexa and Anya look at each other and smile before each rolling off the bed.  
  
_"We're up!"_  
  
They respond.  
  
_"I hope so!"_  
  
Clarke answers back. Lexa gives her daughter one last look before leaving the room and heading towards Roa's bedroom where she knew she'd find Clarke.

* * *

Half an hour later the six members of the Griffin-Woods clan sit around the dining table all showered and dressed with a stack of peanut butter, chocolate chip waffles resting in the center surrounded by bowls of fruit and whipped cream. This, homemade birthday waffles and getting an early morning present, was the birthday tradition everyone looked forward to.  
  
Anya sits across a stack of warm, syrupy waffles with two lit candles - one in the shape of the number one and the other in the shape of the number four - pressed into the center of the cooked batter.  
  
_"Happy birthday to you!"_  
  
The girls finish singing, Costia visibly less enthused than the rest. Almost ten month old Aden claps and squeals from his high chair as he stuffs his face with some of the cereal Clarke had placed in front of him.  
  
_"Make a wish Nana!"_ Roa cheers her sister on. Anya closes her eyes before she takes a deep breath and blows the candles. _"Was it a good wish?"_  
  
_"Yeah. It was Ro."_  
  
Anya answers her sister before digging in. They all go about eating in silence.  
  
_"I had an idea."_ Clarke tells the table. Everyone snap their eyes up and meet Clarke. _"Maybe you guys don't have to go to school today and we can go ice skating at Rockefeller instead. Then we can go to lunch at Nobu before coming back and getting everything ready for the party."_  
  
Anya's eyes light up and Roa immediately approves of the suggestion.  
  
_"Yes!"_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa to gage her thoughts.  
  
_"Sure, yeah."_  
  
Lexa agrees.  
  
_"You can drop me off at school."_  
  
Costia tells them from the far corner of the table.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Anya turns to her sister.  
  
_"I don't want to go. If you're taking the car, just drop me off at school."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's supposed to be a family day Cos."_  
  
Clarke attempts to convince her.  
  
_"I'd rather go to class."_  
  
Anya huffs in annoyance at her sister's rejection.  
  
_"You skip school all the time to go see Art but you can't do it for my birthday?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Excuse me?"_ Clarke addresses Costia, her tone less gentle and much more serious this time. _"Who is Art?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Way to be a fucking snitch!"_ _  
_  
Costia screams across the table.  
_  
_ _"You're being a hypocrite. That's all."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Skipping school, Costia? Really?"_  
  
Clarke continues to try and get answers.  
  
_"You're an asshole."_  
  
Costia keeps addressing Anya.  
  
_"I'm the asshole?!"_  
  
Anya scoffs.  
  
_"Is Art the boy you've been sneaking into the house at night?"_  
  
Lexa was doing her best to remain on the sidelines in order to not add fuel to the drama fire but at that comment she finally jumps in. Now everyone talks over each other in quick fire succession. Even Aden begins to babble a little louder.  
  
_"You're sneaking boys into the house?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stay out of it, Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You had to do this on my birthday, didn't you?_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're the one who started it with your big mouth, you idiot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You've been an ass the entire morning!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who is this boy you're sneaking into the house?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia, I better not ask for an attendance report at school and see you've been missing class."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because you're seriously going to let her back in here and act like nothing happened?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, I am! I want things to be like they were again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia...boys in the house? Really?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I said stay out of it."_ Costia snaps her head towards Lexa before turning back to Anya. _"Nothing is going to be like before! Why are you all in denial?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Enough."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're trying to get better but you won't let it happen!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're trying to forget him!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No one is forgetting him!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Enough I said! You two, stop."_ Clarke's voice booms over theirs and Costia and Anya stop talking. _"This is what's going to happen: everyone is going to go change out of their uniforms and we're going to play hooky. We're going to enjoy your sister's birthday, then we're going to come home and have a nice party with the family. Whoever tries to ruin any of that at any point throughout the day is grounded. Are we clear?"_ Clarke looks around the table but no one says anything. _"I'm going to take that as a yes."_ _  
_  
Clarke goes back to feeding Aden and the rest of the family continues to eat without saying a word. Every so often Costia and Anya glare at each other, but the remainder of the meal proceeds without a major incident.

* * *

Costia doesn’t speak again until hours later when it’s her turn to order lunch. She sits out the ice skating and hasn’t looked at anything but her phone since they left the house. Costia isn’t trying to purposefully be the instigator of conflict in her family, she just can’t understand why everyone is okay with acting like nothing happened. Her brother died and then her mother left them to deal with it on their own. That’s not something that should be swept under the rug and hidden behind vapid "family days" like this one.

Costia has a pretty strong moral compass, at least she likes to think she does. She was taught that there were good deeds and bad deeds. The former is rewarded and the latter is punished. Actions have consequences. That’s what she was always told, but apparently none of that applies if the person doing the bad is her mother. Lexa hurt them - all of them - in the worst way possible yet somehow it doesn’t seem like her actions had any negative repercussions. Lexa is still treated the same. She’s forgiven, and Costia might even go as far as saying she’s rewarded, at every turn. Costia has never been able to wrap her head around that. When Costia misbehaves she gets grounded, but Lexa does far worse than she ever has and in turn Clarke agrees to give her a substitute baby. Trying to replace Jake was bad enough, but to see Lexa get a new son to play and laugh with when it was her fault that Jake died in the first place is incomprehensible to Costia. No matter how hard Costia tries, it’s hard to not be resentful and irritated about the double standards.

If it was only Clarke acting this way then Costia might be able to chalk it up to adulthood stupidity, but walking into Anya’s room that morning and watching her sisters act carefree and like the last two and a half years weren’t real made Costia realize she was alone. Costia has felt many things these past couple of years, but alone never was one of them. Up until that point, Costia believed her sisters would be on her side regardless of the circumstances. Apparently that isn’t the case. Lexa gets to have her family back while suddenly it appears as if Costia has lost hers. Costia was the one who took it upon herself to look after everyone, but now that Lexa has decided it’s convenient for her to be present again they all seem to have chosen Lexa over her. Her mom and her sisters ignore how she feels in favor of coddling Lexa when she has done nothing but disappoint them repeatedly. Acknowledging that her opinions were damn near irrelevant to her family was a hard thing to come to terms with and it took every single ounce of self-restraint within Costia to not let herself cry in front of them while they were out that day. She can’t stop the tears from falling freely once she’s back in the safety of her room though.

* * *

Lexa had dropped the girls and Aden home before she set out to Penn Station to meet Gustus. After weeks of trying to figure out when and how to introduce him to Clarke and the kids, Anya’s birthday seemed like the perfect scenario. The train from Poughkeepsie arrived fifteen minutes late but Lexa forgot about the long wait the moment she saw Gustus step onto the platform. After not seeing each other for a few weeks the two friends seemed genuinely excited to be reunited.  

Lexa and Gustus now chat as they hop onto the busy subway cart taking them from Penn Station to the station near Lexa's apartment. Their conversation flows naturally as they find two empty seats in the back.  
  
_"How is it being back?"_  
  
Gustus inquires curiously.  
  
_"Weird. It's weird."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because it feels...normal. At least sometimes. This morning for a second I forgot what had happened."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds like a good thing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It is. Yeah, it is. Just...yeah."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't fuck this up Lexa."_ _  
_  
_"I won't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I won't let you stay with me if you do."_  
  
Lexa chuckles at what she recognizes as an empty threat. In the last three months her and Gustus have become incredibly close and she knows that if anything were to happen, she could count on Gustus to support her. Not that she foresees ever having to move back in with him, but if she **_had_ ** to she knew he wouldn’t turn his back on her.  
  
_"As much as I loved living with you, I wake up to a better looking face these days. Not planning on changing that for your ugly mug again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I would be offended, but I'll give you a pass on this one because you have shown me pictures of Clarke and I have to agree that I'd rather wake up to that face than mine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Careful. She's married."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And I'm gay. I think you're safe. But if I wasn't, I might give you a run for it."_  
  
Lexa laughs and Gustus joins in.  
  
_"Good to know."_  
  
They fall into comfortable silence as the train chugs along a few stops.  
  
_"How are things with Costia?"_  
  
Lexa huffs out a strong breath.  
  
_"Bad? Worse? The same? I don't know. I really don't."_ Lexa lowers her voice so the rest of the train can't overhear her. _"My daughter hates me Gus. She really does."_  
  
_"Have you tried talking to her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ask me again after you meet her. You'll see it’s not as easy as it sounds."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you want me to talk to her? Sometimes hearing things from a stranger can make a difference."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's not exactly friendly. Not since Jake."_  
  
Lexa chuckles thinking of how terribly that conversation might go.  
  
_"If you don't explicitly ask me not to talk to her, I'll try. All you needed was someone to knock some sense into you and look at you now. Maybe she does too."_  
  
Lexa shrugs.  
  
_"Proceed at your own risk."_  
  
Gustus chuckles and nods.

The rest of the train ride is spent engrossed in conversation. Gustus catches Lexa up on the guys from the work crew and gives her an update on how the projects they were working on when she was with them are going. Before they even notice, they’ve made it to their stop.

* * *

By the time Lexa and Gustus arrive at the apartment, Clarke has finished setting everything up. They step inside and Gustus looks around the space.  
  
_"Nice place."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thanks. It's all Clarke, she has the good taste in the family."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clearly not, she married you."_  
  
Gustus jokes and Lexa rolls her eyes.  
  
_"She's not half bad."_  
  
Clarke interjects from behind them as she exits the kitchen with a stack of paper cups and plates to set on the table covered with snacks and a colorful cake topped with Anya's name written in a fondant neon sign placed in the center. Once her hands are empty she walks up to the pair and without hesitation greets Gustus with a warm hug.  
  
_"It's great to finally meet you."_ Clarke turns to Lexa. _"I was about to go wake Aden up. Can you do that? There's a bottle waiting for him on the kitchen counter."_ _  
_  
Lexa nods and heads to the nursery without questioning the request because she's aware this is Clarke's attempt at getting a moment alone with Gustus.  
  
As Clarke is about to engage in conversation with Gustus, the front door swings open. Abby and Marcus have arrived with a heap of presents for the birthday girl. Clarke turns to Gustus.  
  
_"I'll come find you later. I’d love to talk. Help yourself to anything. You're at home."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you."_  
  
Clarke moves to greet her mother and stepfather as Lexa comes from down the hallway with a disgruntled chubster laying on her chest.

* * *

About three minutes later Octavia, Bellamy, Echo, and their respective kids join them as well.  
  
Within an hour the apartment is buzzing and filled with a couple dozen adults and about as many children between the younger cousins and the close friends Anya invited to the gathering. It's definitely a party now.

* * *

Gustus walks into the living room to find Costia sitting alone on the couch as the younger kids run around after each other.  
  
_"Hey."_ Costia keeps her eyes on her phone and doesn't acknowledge Gustus. _"Ok, your mother did warn me you weren't exactly cuddly. Can I sit?"_ Gustus waits for an answer that doesn't come. He sits anyway. _"I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice and hope that you don't totally hate me for it. Would that be okay?"_ _  
_  
_"I have a feeling you are going to no matter what I say so pretend I'm listening and get it over with."_  
  
Gustus smiles and shakes his head.  
_  
__"You remind me a bit of my daughter. Her name was Charlotte, my husband and I called her Charlie. She never made it to be an actual teen, but I saw glimpses of the attitude more than once."_ Costia remains unfazed. _"She died..."_ Gustus corrects himself. _"...she was murdered almost six years ago. Charlie was barely twelve. I know what your mom is going through because I've been there. I am there. It's not easy. All I want to say is cut her some slack."_ _  
_  
_"Of course you are. That's what everyone always does. No matter how bad she fucks up, Lexa can do no wrong."_ _  
__  
__"I think you're being too harsh on her."_ _  
__  
__"No offense, but who are you?"_  
  
Costia finally looks up from her phone and stares daggers at Gustus.  
  
_"I'm a friend of your mom's. I'm someone who wasn't smart enough to not lose everything that mattered to me. Believe it or not, she could've done worse. I did."_ _  
__  
__"She didn't end up loitering at other people's family events? Great. Glad to know there's even more embarrassing rock bottoms."_ _  
__  
__"She thinks you hate her."_ _  
__  
__"I do."_  
  
Costia replies without hesitation.  
  
_"Let me ask you one last question. Imagine she would've made you angry the day of the shooting. Angry enough that you actually made yourself believe you hated her. Then imagine she would've died thinking that. How would you have felt?"_ _  
__  
__"We would be better off if she had died."_ _  
__  
__"I call bullshit on that."_ _  
__  
__"You don't know me."_  
  
Costia barks at him because how dare this stranger make such assumptions.  
  
_"I don't know you, but I'm pretty good at noticing things and let me tell you what I've seen in the few hours I've been here. Every time she moves you follow her with your eyes even when you pretend to be looking at your phone. When she talks, you perk up. You ignore everyone else, but her voice you listen to. When she tripped earlier you almost flew out of that seat. Before you caught yourself and went back to the tough act, your first instinct was to go protect her. You do a really good job at telling yourself you hate her and want nothing to do with her but your body gives you away. You care."_  
  
Costia quickly avoids his eyes and goes back to his phone. She suddenly feels exposed.  
  
_"Like I said...you don't know me."_ _  
__  
__"You're not doing anyone in your family any favors by acting like this."_ _  
__  
__"Dude. You. Don't. Know. Me."_  
  
Costia, now composed, goes back to looking at Gustus with fiery intensity in her eyes. She punctuates every word with finality. Gustus chuckles at the attempt of being intimidating.  
  
_"The fact that you can't come up with anything else says a lot. Look, I'm not here to antagonize you. I only wanted to offer advice. Your mom messed up but she's trying to do right by you now. It should count for something. If anything were to happen to her tomorrow you'd regret this. That's all."_  
  
Gustus stands up and makes to leave. He takes a few steps before turning to Costia.  
  
_"It might not be my place to say this, but I'd doubt you'd listen to her if she tried so I'm going to tell you. Your mom is proud of you. She can't talk about you enough. Lexa thinks the way you stepped up when she was having a hard time is one of the bravest things she's seen. She's aware of the things you did. They didn't go unnoticed. She hates that you had to do them, but she's glad your mom and sisters had you. She never wanted to hurt you. Any of you. Grief is a messed up thing. I haven't shaved in six years, she sat in her office and read books for two years. We all go about it differently, but it never meant she loved you any less. Do with that information what you will."_  
  
Gustus walks away leaving the teen scrolling through her phone in order to make herself look busy and uninterested. The moment Gustus turns the corner, Costia brings up her sleeves and wipes her eyes. She's not crying. Most definitely not.

* * *

Clarke and Raven stand in the kitchen having a slightly heated discussion.  
  
_"What are you doing Clarke?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not having this conversation again Rae?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You let her back in like nothing happened. I'm starting to see that Cos might have a point here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What am I supposed to do?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Actually wait until you know she's better? She could just be having a few good weeks and fall right back into her crap."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes.  
  
_"I don't understand why it's so hard for any of you to believe that she could honestly be improving."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I’m a facts and data person. Right now, numbers are against her. Isn’t it a huge warning sign that everyone is telling you to slow down?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's working on it Rae and, frankly, I would appreciate it if all of you gave me the benefit of the doubt here. I'm not jumping into this blindly. I know what I'm doing."_ Clarke tells her best friend defensively. Raven shrugs and takes a sip of her wine. _"Also, Anya listens to you. She's your girlfriend, she has every right to but I assume you're telling her the same things you're telling me and I'm going to ask you to please stop. I love you Rae, you know I do, but Lexa needs everyone right now and especially her sister. Don't drive a wedge between them. I don't want to have to pick sides."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We've been friends longer than you've known her."_ _  
_  
Raven reminds Clarke of this indisputable fact.  
  
_"And she's my wife. I hope none of you put me in that position because I will put her and the kids above everything and everyone."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wow! Ok. Noted."_  
  
Raven replies aggravated at Clarke's answer.  
_  
_ _"Don't make me sound irrational. They're my family."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"O and I are family too. Everyone out there is family, or are we suddenly not?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You are. Of course you are. But it's...different."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Different how? Different like we were actually there when you needed us?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop."_ Clarke says sternly. _"Stop. I'm not doing this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Did you forget what she did?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No I haven't, but I'm not dwelling on it either."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's not the kind of thi..."_ _  
_  
Anya walks into the kitchen to find her sister-in-law and girlfriend in the thick of it. She has no intentions of jumping into whatever is happening and she sticks to her plan: more beer. Anya heads for the fridge while Clarke and Raven look at her in silence. She grabs a cold imported brew from the box that's cooling and twists the cap off before taking a sip and tries to flee the room as fast as she can to avoid the awkwardness.  
  
_"Ok. I got what I needed. You guys...do your thing."_  
  
Anya mumbles as she begins to walk out but Raven stops her.  
  
_"Can you tell Clarke this is a bad idea? Because she's not listening to me."_  
  
Anya inhales and turns to look at the two women who are staring back at her.  
_  
_ _"I...she seems fine Raven. Maybe we should wait it out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What if something bad happens?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"God! Nothing bad is going to happen."_  
  
Clarke turns to her friend exasperated.  
  
_"I don't think you should get your hopes up Clarke, but I also think we should wait and see."_  
  
Anya argues before taking another long sip of her beer.  
  
_"Unbelievable."_ Clarke scoffs. _"I expect this from her and everyone else, but you too?"_  
  
Clarke looks at Anya awaiting an answer. Before she can give one, Lexa walks into the kitchen holding Aden and having an animated conversation with him. She stops mid-word when she comes across the tense trio.  
  
_"Oh..."_ Lexa looks between the three of them. _"I...he...just getting more_ _fruit for him."_  
  
Clarke moves to the fridge and pulls out some more fresh cantaloupe to cut for the baby. The four of them stand in silence while Clarke works on dicing up the fruit into small pieces and dumping it into the colorful little bowl Lexa had brought with her.  
  
_"What are you doing Lexa? Here I mean. What's the plan?"_  
  
Clarke sighs and less than gently puts the knife down on the cutting board.  
  
_"Rae."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, it's a valid question. Are you finally going back to work? Are you going to help out around the house? With the kids? What's the deal?"_  
  
Lexa is caught off guard by the interrogation.  
  
_"I..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't have to answer that."_  
  
Clarke turns to Lexa and tells her, clearly supportive.  
  
_"They're valid questions."_  
  
Anya jumps in mimicking her girlfriend's words and quickly establishing which side of the argument she's on.  
  
_"You two need to drop it."_  
  
Clarke moves to stand next to Lexa in a protective stance.  
  
_"They're simply worried Clarke. I've given them more than enough reasons to be. It's understandable."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. It's bullshit. It's not ‘understandable’."_ Clarke places her hand on Lexa's arm before turning to the other women in the room and speaking definitively. _"Lexa is staying. You..."_ Clarke points at Raven. _"...you..."_ She turns to Anya now. _"...Costia, or anyone else can have a fit about it for all I care. She's not going anywhere. That's it. You can either be okay with it or you can leave. I'm done entertaining this conversation."_ _  
_  
Raven moves to leave the kitchen in a huff. Anya hesitates for a second but quickly follows her girlfriend leaving Clarke and Lexa alone in the kitchen. Within seconds they can hear Raven and Anya saying their hasty goodbyes and the front door opening and closing behind them not long after that.  
  
Lexa nervously bites on her bottom lip as she bounces the babbling infant. Clarke moves to stand in front of her while rubbing Aden’s head as she hands him another piece of melon.  
  
_"You did nothing wrong."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't blame them for wanting to protect you and the kids. I deserve it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe they are being protective and maybe their intentions are good, but that's not the main problem here. I asked them to stop talking about it and they didn't. I had enough."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be angry at them. I don't want to be the reason you and your friends have a falling out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex, she..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Please. I've damaged enough relationships. I can't be responsible for this one too. I broke people's trust and I need to work to get it back. I'll talk to them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't have to. Not until they stop acting like that."_ _  
_  
_"It’s my sister and your best friend. I have to. I kind of owe it to them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't expect you to."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know, but I have to clean up the messes I made."_  
  
Clarke leans up to kiss her tenderly.  
  
_"I love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. Love you too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Want to go back outside? We should probably sing soon. It's getting late and the kids have school tomorrow."_  
  
Lexa nods and kisses Aden's head before grabbing the plate of fruit that sat on the counter. Clarke follows her into the dining room a few seconds later.

* * *

Gustus walks into the dining room from the direction of the living room as Clarke and Lexa move from the kitchen. Everyone else is still gathered around the birthday girl. The first person Gustus comes across is Clarke.  
  
_"Hey. Everything okay? Do you need anything?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm great."_  
  
Clarke notices Gustus looking at Lexa. She is now sitting at the head of the table holding Aden and playfully bouncing him on her lap while the little boy giggles.  
  
_"I don't know what you did, but she's different so thank you."_  
  
Clarke turns to Gustus with a warm smile.  
  
_"I didn't do anything. The fear of losing you guys set her straight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, I think being with you those few months definitely helped."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe I was her cautionary tale."_  
  
Gustus chuckles at his self-deprecating comment.  
  
_"I'm sorry about Charlotte, Lex told me all about it and it's awful."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When people who actually have gone through it say that it sounds a lot less fake."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know what you mean."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry about Jake."_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"You're welcome over any time, you know? You're family now. There's a lot of us, we're really loud, and more often than not there tends to be a significant amount of screaming involved, but I think the kids could handle another uncle. There can never be enough of those."_  
  
Clarke smiles warmly at him. Gustus looks at his feet while he tries to process what has been said. It's been a long time since he felt part of something and for whatever reason he thinks he could be a part of this dysfunctional bunch. Maybe letting that gangly stranger into his car that gelid Friday night was the best thing that happened to him in years.  
  
_"I might need a chart with names."_  
  
Gustus jokes as he looks at the sea of adults with accompanying kids scattered around the room.  
  
_"We can make that happen."_ Clarke snickers. _"I'm glad Lexa found you."_  
  
_"She's a hard head, but not too much."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, she..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"MOM! Liana won't let me play with the control!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, you want to hog it!"_  
  
Clarke grimaces at Roa and Liana screaming at each other from the adjacent room.  
  
_"It's okay. Go ahead."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll catch up with you later. Don't go too far. We'll cut the cake as soon as I deal with this."_  
  
Clarke pats Gustus's arm as she moves around him and heads towards the source of the screaming. Gustus nods. He looks around the room and takes in the individual clusters of people talking to each other and how content and at ease everyone seems. Surely this doesn't seem like a bad group to fall into.

* * *

After Clarke squelches whatever argument was going on in the living room, they proceed to sing Happy Birthday to Anya, this time with the entire extended family. The cake is cut and not long after the party goers begin to head home seeing as the adults have work and the kids have school the next day.

Abby stays behind to help with the clean-up while Marcus volunteers to escort Gustus back to the train station. Between the three adults, Roa, Anya, and the three friends Anya had staying for a sleepover the apartment is back to being semi-presentable in a matter of minutes. When things are mostly clean Clarke allows the girls to retreat to Anya’s room and do whatever it is teenage girls do when they’re left alone.

* * *

Clarke is already down to boy shorts and a camisole by the time Lexa is finished with the night rounds. Their eyes meet as Lexa steps inside the master bedroom and they smile.  
  
_"Everyone is down."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good."_ Clarke replies as Lexa begins to unbutton her shirt. _"Is Nana happy about how it went?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. I think she had a good time. I doubt they're going to sleep anytime soon, but at least they're in bed."_  
  
_"How did you think it went? Tonight I mean."_  
  
Lexa shrugs.  
  
_"Fine, I guess."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We made it through a family event without anyone screaming at each other. Technically."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not the worst one we've had."_  
  
Lexa chuckles thinking about the other disasters they've fielded throughout the years.  
  
_"Not even close."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can't figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing."_  
  
Lexa turns towards the mirror as she begins to braid her hair. Clarke walks over to her half dressed wife and gently guides her towards the seating area at the end of the bed.  
  
_"Sit."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll braid your hair tonight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't..."_  
  
Clarke shushes Lexa with her lips. Lexa gets the message and relaxes as Clarke moves behind her.  
  
_"It's a good thing."_ Lexa hums trying to figure out where Clarke is getting at. _"Tonight. It was a good thing. It wasn't perfect, but I think it went as well as expected. Doesn't even make it to our top ten disasters."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jake throwing up on the turkey that had just been taken out of the oven will forever be the worst one. Thanksgiving hot dogs weren't as classy as they sounded."_ _  
_  
Clarke laughs remembering how they tried to salvage the night and not make the eight other people they were hosting for dinner that holiday hate them.  
_  
_ _"I still blame you for that one. I told you not to let him run that much because he was barely getting over that cold and you did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You called me into the kitchen to help! I can't be in two places at once. Definitely not my fault."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure, Lex."_  
  
Clarke places a kiss on the back of Lexa's shoulder as her fingers deftly work to contain the messy mane in front of her.  
  
_"That one only barely beats them slathering half of everything we owned in peanut butter and jelly."_  
  
Clarke laughs remembering the image of walking into the living room and finding Costia, Anya, and Jake "painting a mural" on the white walls. The kids were covered and so were the carpets...and the couches...and the tables...and the tree...and the gifts...and anything they could reach. Even the dog managed to get some on him. When the kids were asked why they did it, they said it was their Christmas surprise to their mommies.  
  
_"Roa was eight months and they got her too. I feel like I gave them multiple baths and they were still two inches deep in grossness."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The one Christmas morning we slept in..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I blame you for that one too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How was that one my fault?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You kept me up to all hours doing things Santa wouldn't approve of."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You totally started that! You walked out of the bathroom wearing the red little negligee and a Santa hat? Remember that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I was going to bed dressed as Mrs. Claus. It was completely innocent. You were the one who got handsy."_  
  
Lexa laughs earnestly.  
  
_"Oh yeah. So innocent."_  
  
Clarke finishes braiding Lexa's hair and throws the loose braid over her wife's shoulder. She moves in closer to Lexa and wraps her arms around her from behind. She rests her head against Lexa's back.  
  
_"We haven't even touched on Jake and Lukas giving Milkshake and each other a haircut during O's birthday."_ Clarke groans remembering the patches on Octavia's dog and the bald spots each of their sons sported. _"I can't believe they figured out how to use Lincoln's buzzer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And I can't believe you and Octavia thought it would be fine to leave them like that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They had to learn the hard way how not to play with things they're not supposed to. We figured a week at school with funky haircuts would do the trick."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That one bald spot Jake had right near the top."_  
  
Lexa can barely get through the sentence because she's laughing so hard.  
  
_"We had to shave all his hair off to even the rest out."_  
  
Clarke joins Lexa in laughing at remembering the ridiculous hair Jake sported for a week and the amount of pictures they took. After some more carefree moments of laughing, they fall back into silence.  
  
_"I like this. Talking about before, about him."_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa honestly and hopes Lexa doesn't recoil.  
  
_"It's nice."_  
  
That is all Lexa has to say. Clarke playfully bites Lexa's back before speaking into her skin.  
  
_"We should go to bed."_  
  
Lexa nods and moves to stand up.  
  
_"Thank you for the braid."_  
  
Lexa turns to Clarke as she heads for the bathroom to get ready for bed.  
  
_"Anytime babe."_  
  
Clarke smiles before moving from the foot of the bed to her pillow. She lays back and stares at the ceiling with a smile. Despite the little hiccups along the way, today was a good day.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, once Lexa is done with her bedtime routine and they've both taken the sleeping pills they require to make it through the night, Clarke and Lexa lay in bed, in each other's arms. Clarke is slowly fading when Lexa speaks.  
  
_"One thousand and three."_ Clarke - half asleep and not coherent enough to follow along with what that means - hums trying to get Lexa to explain. _"It's after midnight already. It's day one thousand and three."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One thousand and three."_ Clarke repeats and kisses Lexa's chest before she lets herself drift back to sleep. _"We'll get through this one too."_  
  
Clarke mumbles sleepily and that's all the reassurance Lexa needs to join her in slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	27. June 12, 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter by far! This is 15,531 words worth of...things. Important things. :) It also crossed 203,000 words in total length which apparently means it is now longer than all of the Harry Potter books except for Order Of The Phoenix. I guess this could be considered novel-length which is...crazy. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**June 12, 2028**

Mondays had a tendency of being messy in the Griffin-Woods household. It was almost as if the children forgot how to function like normal human beings over the two weekend days they had off and when it was time for them to return to school come Monday morning, they unexpectedly acted like uncivilized savages. Clarke and Lexa silently dreaded Mondays because those were the days they seemingly had to retrain their litter in order to get them through the week.  
  
This Monday was particularly hectic. It was the kids' last week of school before summer break and they each had different year-end events happening at different points over the next five days. When paired with Lexa's rebooting of the Fishing Line serial killer case after the last one was declared a mistrial and her ramping up the Lucchese investigation along with Clarke's work schedule, it was all inconvenient to say the least.  
  
Clarke's reputation as an artist, gallery manager and curator, as well as a private art dealer was quickly ballooning. She was included on the list of most respected private curators in New England which now meant Clarke was also becoming a coveted consultant and dealer beyond the confines of Dante’s MW. Today Clarke had a meeting with the curator of Boston's Museum Of Fine Arts to discuss a possible limited exhibition of a collection she had recently acquired for MW. Clarke had to fly to Boston and back within the span of twelve hours meaning Lexa had to take point with the million things happening with the kids today.  
  
The week was kicking off with the year end showcase that the kid's elementary school organized each year. Roa's first grade class was putting together an original play based on spelling and reading, Jake's third grade class was doing the musical rendition of 101 Dalmatians, and Anya's fifth grade had events designed to integrate the parents into the acts. The girls in Anya's class were doing a Father/Daughter performance and the boys were doing a Mother/Son act. Lexa doesn't mind crowds in the courtroom, but an audience staring at her while she danced around the stage in a silly costume is on an entirely different realm. That one isn't part of her skill set and even though she's more than slightly uncomfortable with the idea, seeing how happy it made Anya that they were doing this together made the whole venture worth it.  
  
_"Your shoes are on the wrong feet."_  
  
Lexa pointed out as she whizzes past Roa on her way to the coffee pot. Lexa drops the leash she was holding on the counter and the recently walked dog runs into the kitchen a millisecond behind her. Turtle immediately goes up to Roa. He begins to nudge her legs with his snout and begs for attention knowing full well she was the easiest target in the room. Thirty five year old Clarke stood behind Roa with a brush in her hand working on detangling her hair before she got to braiding it.  
  
_"Seriously, Ro? How did you not feel that was off?"_ Clarke looks over the child's shoulder and chastises her as she notices the inverted shoes. _"Fix them."_  
  
Clarke let's go of Roa's hair and the six year old bends over to remedy the shoe situation, but not before giving the pup a few strokes. Lexa fills her travel mug with coffee and takes a sip of the scalding liquid before she hisses.  
  
_"Ahhh!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Every morning, Alexandria. Every morning."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes because common sense would dictate that her otherwise brilliant and nearly thirty nine year old wife would remember to allow hot things to cool down or at least blow on them before she puts them in her mouth, but apparently not. It doesn't give Clarke much faith in hoping their children might outgrow it either.  
  
_"Run it with me again."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Clarke...I got this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Humor me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're dropping them all off on your way to the airport because I need to meet Roan to try and convince him to authorize the Lucchese warrants. I leave the office no later than 10:15. I sign Cos out of her school and have to be at the other school by 10:45. We have a final rehearsal at 11:00. I meet Octavia in the audience at some point before the show starts to give her the camera so she can record it or you'll finally follow through with your threats to murder me in my sleep. The show starts at 1:00 PM sharp. We should be done by 3:30. Octavia takes Ro and Jake home with Liana and Lukas, then I somehow make sure Nana is at 4:00 o'clock practice. Cos and I hang around until Nana's done at 5:30. We pick up Jake and Ro from O's place, grab something for dinner on the way back, I make them eat, we have an exam study party, and I get them cleaned up in the hopes that you should be back before bedtime."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What did you forget?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing?"_  
  
Lexa asks with hesitation and scrunches her face unsure.  
  
_"Your time with Cos isn't downtime. She needs new sneakers. You have to take her shopping."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, yeah. Right."_  
  
_"Only shoes Lexa. I mean it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Only shoes."_  
  
Lexa hastily bites on the piece of toast she's holding before putting it down on the counter and sliding her arms into her blazer.  
  
_"Lexa..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're only getting shoes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You say that every time I send you out unsupervised but then they pout at you and you give them what they want."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're exaggerating."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Costia's second guitar, Jake's iPad, Roa's dollhouse, Anya's camera, Costia's_ **third** _guitar, Jake's new..."_  
  
Clarke begins naming past instances to prove her claim. Lexa interrupts her.  
  
_"Point taken. Just shoes."_  
  
Twelve and a half year old Costia and eleven year old Anya walk into the kitchen chit chatting with their uniforms haphazardly put together. Whatever Anya said last seemingly irritated Costia because she forcefully pushes her sister away and Anya giggles in response. The dog runs to them for attention now.  
  
_"If I come home to a new guitar or literally anything but shoes, it's going back. I'm warning both of you right now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_  
  
Costia asks confused as she pulls a piece of toast from the plate that rested on the island and stuffing her mouth in the exact same way Lexa had done just minutes ago.

_“Morning.”_

Anya kisses each of her mothers before having a seat on one of the stools that lived on the far end of the kitchen island. Clarke pats her on the back to recognize the greeting but keeps addressing Costia.  
  
_"Your mom is taking you shopping for sneakers remember? Why does no one ever pay attention to anything we talk about in this house? Anyway...you guys are only getting running shoes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Costia spreads crumbs everywhere as she speaks with her mouth half full and shrugs uninterested in whatever is going on because it's too early to care and and she's still mostly asleep. She surreptitiously drops the last bit of crust on the floor and Turtle swiftly pounces on it. This is exactly why the kids are his favorite.

Clarke turns to Lexa.  
  
_"Did you pack your costume?"_  
  
Lexa points at the canvas duffle she dropped by the kitchen entrance before leaving to walk the dog.  
  
_"It's all in the bag."_

Clarke turns to Roa for a split second. _  
_ _  
_ _"Roa, stop feeding Turtle your breakfast. I’m standing right here. I can see you.”_ Clarke addresses Lexa anew. “ _Please don't leave the bag at the office when you head to the school. That would be bad."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I won't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll try to text you at around ten just in case."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll remember."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. It's simply a precaution."_  
  
Clarke leans up and pecks Lexa before she turns and starts serving Anya and Costia breakfast. Lexa grabs her work briefcase and runs a quick inventory making sure she has everything she needs for the day.  
  
_"Everyone know their lines and dances?"_  
  
Clarke asks the group.  
  
_"Are you sure you can't come?"_  
  
Anya asks mid bite.  
  
_"I couldn't get out of going to a work event Nana, I'm sorry. You know I'd love to be there but the person I'm meeting is a really busy man and today was the only day that worked for him. I can't come, but your mom and Cos are going to be there and your Aunt O will record everything then we can watch it when I get home tonight. Grandma is also going to try to make it but she isn't sure she'll be able to yet."_  
  
Lexa munches on some more bits of food off her plate as she stuffs a few more folders into her case.  
  
_"Why do I even have to go to school if mom is picking me up early?"_

Costia speaks with a mouthful of fruit. Clarke actively chooses not to say anything about it. _  
_ _  
_ _"Because there is no one to watch you for a few hours until mom is done with work."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I could just go with her to work."_ _  
_  
Costia retorts.  
  
_"Cos, there's a schedule for the day. We're sticking with it."_  
  
Clarke tells her eldest definitively. Costia, being well aware Clarke is the difficult one, moves on to the easy target.  
  
_"I could go with you to work."_  
  
Costia looks over her shoulder at Lexa with a hint of a sullen look on her face, hopeful that plus the pleading tone will work.  
  
_"It would save me the time of going from the courthouse to her school and I could just go straight to the rehearsal."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke and tilts her head before taking another bite of her bread.  
  
_"That wasn't even a real pout and you already gave in. I'm losing faith in this shopping trip already."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It makes sense."_  
  
Lexa defends herself as she dumps the remainder of the food that was left on her plate down the garbage disposal and leaves the plate in the sink to be dealt with later.  
_  
_ _"You're so weak."_  
  
Clarke smiles and kisses Lexa as she walks past her on the way to look at the copy of Costia's schedule that is up on the fridge.  
  
_"You have meetings and you have reviews for..."_ Clarke finds the correct date on the exam schedule the school had sent out. _"...your English and Social Studies test today."_ Clarke reminds Costia while reading off the words from the paper being held up by a family portrait turned magnet. _"That's not going to work."_  
  
_"I'm only going to be there for like two periods anyway. What's the point?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Two periods of studying that you wouldn't otherwise get. You're going to school Costia."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I could study while mom is in her meetings."_  
  
Lexa hovers next to Costia while they both look at Clarke intently waiting for an answer. More than missing school, Costia would really love to go to work with Lexa. Jake is the one who usually does that and Costia would like to be the the one that got to spend the day with Lexa for a change. Lexa mostly just wants to check off one thing off her to-do list for the day.  
  
_"It's not happening."_  
  
Clarke's inflection informs them that they've reached the end of that discussion. Costia and Lexa both groan. Clarke tries her best not to smile because that would detract from the seriousness in her demeanor. Dealing with one Lexa is bad enough, but when they decide to gang up then managing Big Lexa and Grumpy Mini Lexa is nearly impossible. Clarke wouldn't change it for anything.

Clarke moves from the fridge to the laptop she had on the counter and typed a few more words into the open document of notes she had been preparing in advance of today's Boston meeting. 

 _"Ugh..."_  
  
Costia and Lexa look at each other. Lexa shrugs before kissing Costia's forehead.  
  
_"Sorry. We'll get her next time."_  
  
Lexa whispers to her daughter. Costia turns her back on Clarke and grouses into her plate of food.  
  
_"Where is Jake?"_ Clarke looks up front her laptop and around the room. All she gets are shrugs and no answers. _"Jake!"_ She waits for a response. _"Jacob!"_ Nothing. _"Can you go make sure he isn't in bed reading? I need him to come eat breakfast."_ _  
_  
Lexa flies by Clarke on her way to the door.  
  
_"Can't."_ Lexa hastily kisses Clarke. _"I should've been out of here four minutes ago. This whole day falls apart if I'm late from the get go."_ The girls all sit on the stools around the island. Lexa kisses the top of the girl's heads on her way out of the kitchen. _"I love you."_  
  
A chorus of "I love yous" echo back and within seconds Lexa is gone.  
_  
_ _"Finish eating, I have to go find your brother."_  
  
Clarke speedwalks out of the kitchen and towards the bedrooms.

* * *

Clarke enters Jake's room to find the almost nine year old staring at his reflection.  
  
_"Hey. Breakfast."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not hungry."_  
  
Jake stands in front of his full body mirror with a brush in his hand as he does his best effort to tame his curls.  
  
The girls had taken after Clarke in every way including the hair. Jake, not so much. He had Lexa's thick, borderline unmanageable curls and Jake loathed them most of the time. He could never get his hair to style the way he wanted it to. Lexa unfailingly looked put together and he wanted to be like her, but he felt his hair got in the way of that with its wild stubbornness. He attempts to pull the brush through the curls again and huffs when all that does is make them puffier. Clarke notices his palpable frustration and steps inside the room.  
  
_"Come here."_  
  
Clarke sits on the bed. Jake walks over to her with a scowl on his face. Clarke shakes her head when she notices his lopsided shirt, a direct result of him skipping one of his buttons which in turn led to mismatched holes. Lexa did this all the time too. It's uncanny to Clarke how unintentionally similar these two are.  
  
Jake walks up to Clarke and stands between her legs. Clarke begins to unbutton his shirt in order to fix it.  
  
_"What's the matter?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nothing."_  
  
Jake grumbles. Clarke works her way to the bottom of his shirt and once they're all undone she starts redoing them from the top again.  
  
_"_ **This** _is clearly not 'nothing'."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can you tell mom to come in here?"_  
  
Jake always defaulted to Lexa when he was upset. They shared a single wavelength. There was no one or nothing Jake loved more than Lexa, that much was undeniable. Lexa could turn his mood around with less than a handful of words or sometimes without talking at all.  
  
_"Momma left already. She had an early meeting."_  
  
Jake's pout grows.  
  
_"She didn't say goodbye?"_  
  
Without warning, Jake is on the verge of tears. This has never happened before. Lexa has never left the house without checking in with him first. It's especially difficult today because Jake is having a rough morning.  
  
_"I'm sure she didn't mean to. She's really busy today. But she'll be at your school in a few hours and you'll get to see her then."_  
  
Jake wipes his eyes trying his hardest to not let his tears fall.  
  
_"What's going on baby?"_  
  
Jake says nothing. Getting him to talk about what was upsetting him was about as easy as it was making Lexa to do the same. Luckily, Clarke had plenty of practice in that area.  
  
_"If I try to guess will you tell me if I'm right?"_  
  
Jake shrugs while looking at the floor.  
  
_"Ok. I'm going to give guessing a shot then."_  
  
Jake shrugs again, this time more dejected than before.    
  
_"I think you're nervous about today's performance..."_ Jake raises his eyes to look at Clarke. How could she know? Clarke smiles. Bingo. _"...and I think you're scared to go on that stage in front of all your friends and their parents to say your lines but you want to know something?"_  
  
Jake stares at her and barely noticeably shakes his head.  
  
_"You're going to be great. I know it. You've been practicing all weekend and all of last week too. I may be a little biased, but I think you're going to be the best one on that whole thing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"My hair looks funny."_  
  
Jake turns his head so he can see himself in the mirror as he tries to flatten it.  
  
_"Your hair looks fine. No one is going to be looking at your hair anyway. They're going to be watching everyone who is on the stage performing. Not just you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't want to do it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You were so excited. What happened?"_  
  
Jake shrugs.  
  
_"It's okay to be nervous. It's normal."_ When Jake still doesn't respond Clarke tries what she knows won't fail. _"I’m going to tell you a secret, but you can’t tell anyone else. Your momma is very nervous about performing with Nana too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She is?"_  
  
Jake asks shocked. Lexa was well-nigh superhuman to him. No way his momma got scared. She was incredibly brave and strong. Jake always told his friends that when they inquired about why he didn't have a dad. He told him his momma was better than any dad and that he liked not having a dad because that meant he got **_two_ ** moms. He didn't even need a dad.  
  
_"Oh yeah. I caught her practicing in her office late last night when I got up to get some water. You want to know something else?"_ Jake nods. _"The reason she's nervous is because she cares very much about it. Just like you. You don't want to let anyone down, but no matter what we're all going to be proud of you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Even if I mess up my lines?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That will just mean you made them better."_ _  
_  
Clarke smiles at him. Jake hums thoughtfully as if trying to process what Clarke just said.  
  
_"You know who else got really nervous before he had to talk in public?"_ _  
_  
Jake shakes his head no.  
  
_"Your grandpa Jake. Ask him to design a building and he's going to come up with the coolest building ever, ask him to give a middle school graduation dinner toast and he's going to mess it up. Even though he wasn't good at public speaking he was still the best dad and you're the best baby boy. You remind me of him sometimes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do?"_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"I don't look like him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You don't have to. You have a lot in common. You remind me of him in other ways."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're very funny in really goofy ways, you're loyal, you care about how well those around you are doing and if it's not too great then you try to fix it. Those were all things your grandpa did too. Most importantly though, you're the only men I've ever loved."_  
  
Clarke chuckled knowing full well Jake wasn't really going to understand the last one.  
  
_"You don't think people will laugh if I mess up when I'm up there then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No one will laugh and even if someone does, it doesn't matter. We ignore rude people. One mistake doesn't define you. Not being good at one thing isn't something to be embarrassed about. You just have to find what you're going to kick butt at and then be the best you can be at it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Like baseball."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Exactly like that."_  
  
Jake processes the words while looking at Clarke before he gives her a single yet firm nod. In that moment Clarke can see every bit of Lexa in him. She leans in and kisses his forehead.  
  
_"We have to go. I need you to come have breakfast."_  
  
Clarke gets up from the bed and tries to pull him towards the door because they're about to fall behind schedule if they don't get to eating right this second.  
  
_"Can you help me fix my hair?"_  
  
_"Sure."_  
  
Clarke figures he can skip the most important meal of the day just this one time.

* * *

Clarke walks towards the kitchen with Jake’s hand held firmly in one of her own and carrying his backpack with the other. Clarke walks into the dining room and notices the bag that held Lexa's change of clothes still on the floor.  
  
_"Lexa...come on."_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and bends down to grab the bag. She brings it with her into the kitchen.  
  
_"Grab a piece of toast so you at least eat something. I'll put some snacks in your bag just in case."_  
  
Clarke pushes Jake towards the kitchen island where the three girls were wrapping up their meal.  
  
_"Your mom forgot this."_  
  
Clarke extends the bag to Anya.  
  
_"Is that her costume for the dance?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. I need you to take it to school with you."_  
  
Anya grabs the bag.  
  
_"Ok."_  
  
Clarke reaches for her phone, quickly pulls up her “Favorites” screen, and dials Lexa’s number. She presses the device between her ear and shoulder as she pulls down some boxes and sets out to prepare a snack that Jake can have at school. Lexa answers on the third ring.  
  
_"Hey."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Look at your hands."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Look down at your hands and tell me what should be in them that isn't."_  
  
The line goes dead for a second as Lexa processes the seemingly random conversation.  
  
_"Oh fuck!"_  
  
Lexa laments into the line and Clarke can hear a hint of panic.  
  
_"Yeah. Exactly. Nana is taking it to school with her. You're lucky I noticed it or this would've been a mess."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're fine. I just wanted you to know she has it and that the crisis was averted."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What would I do without you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No idea. Ok, I have to get the monsters out the door. I'll see you tonight."_  
  
Clarke finishes filling a ziplock bag with nuts and crackers then closes it and puts it in Jake's backpack.  
  
_"Love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Same. Bye."_ When she's about to hang up, Clarke remembers something. _"Hey, Lex. Hey wait."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_  
Clarke lowers her voice and moves a few feet away so the kids can't hear.  
  
_"Jake's a bit sad. He's nervous. He was also upset you forgot to say goodbye this morning. Find him when you get to school. I think I did as good as I could in the pep talk department, but I know he'll be fine if you say something. He's got some stage fright going on."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is he okay?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He's good. You guys just need to have one of your talks."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Ok. Yeah. Thanks for letting me know. I'll talk to him."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Tell him his hair looks good."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Is he talking about buzzing it again?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He mentioned it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. I'll pull him aside before the show."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. I'll see you tonight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"See you tonight."_  
  
Clarke ends the call and turns back to the kids.  
  
_"Alright. Five minutes to brush your teeth. Go."_ All the kids move lethargically. _"Hurry it up."_ Clarke taps the marble topped island to move them along. _"Five. I mean it. I can't be late for my flight."_  
  
It takes Clarke twenty minutes to wrangle everyone and she does in fact nearly miss her flight.

* * *

Lexa knocks on the dark oak door once and lingers for a moment. Right at her eyeline level is the engraved nameplate of the person she is there to see. The words "Judge Roan Hoarfrost" stares back at her. Lexa opens the door to find the judge's trusted secretary Dakiva speedily typing some document.  
  
_"Good morning."_  
  
Lexa tries to sound more courteous than she truly is. She is aware of how prickly Roan's secretary is rumored to be.  
  
_"Griffin-Woods..."_ Dakiva steals a peek at his confirm the appointment. _"...he's waiting for you."_  
  
Dakiva speaks dryly.  
  
_"Thanks."_  
  
Lexa heads directly for the door to Roan's chambers and once more knocks once before entering.  
  
_"Come in."_  
  
Lexa steps inside the office.

* * *

The judge's chambers are floor to ceiling dark wood. It makes the room look both smaller and darker than it really is, yet somehow no less imposing. The stack of folders Roan was reading is closed the moment Lexa walks into the space.  
  
_"I like the scent of 'groveling' when someone like you strolls into my office."_  
  
Roan was shifty. At best. He wasn't the cleanest judge of the bunch and honest prosecutors like Lexa purposely avoided getting involved with him at all costs. Why he still had a job given his murky past and cavalier attitude when it came to actually enforcing the law was a mystery to more than one person, yet here Lexa was, groveling indeed. Roan and Lexa had their public spats in one courtroom or another over the years, but there was no real bad blood between them. They both had grown to accept that the other person was who they were and only crossed paths when absolutely necessary. Knowing all of this only increased the obnoxiousness of the shit eating grin plastered on Roan's face. Lexa knew he knew that he had her by the metaphorical balls and she most definitely knew he was getting an annoyingly excessive amount of satisfaction out of her current predicament.  
  
Lexa walks up to and sits in one of the plush leather and mahogany chairs across from the dark mahogany desk. She places her briefcase on the other, pulls out a folder, and drops it on the desk across from Roan.  
  
_"I need you to authorize a wiretap on the Luccheses."_  
  
Roan guffaws at the absurd request.  
  
_"Hi, good morning Roan. How are you? I'm fine thank you."_  
  
Roan mocks her curtness about the topic and the lack of pleasantries.  
  
_"It's not a social visit and neither of us wants to make this longer than it needs to be."_  
  
Roan tilts his head and raises his eyebrow accepting her point.  
  
_"Are you concerned someone might find out you’re asking_ **me** _for help? It would ruin your pristine reputation, wouldn't it?"_  
  
Lexa really has no interest in indulging him on this.  
  
_"Are you going to sign it or not?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You want me to give you the green light to go after one of the biggest crime families in the city?"_  
  
Roan exaggerates the question. He really is getting a kick out of this and it's starting to irritate Lexa.  
  
_"There's a stack of warrants on your desk isn't there? They're all by the book. Go over them, sign them."_  
  
Roan leans forward on his desk milking the fact that he has all the power in this exchange.  
  
_"Look Woods, we've known each other for a long time. I know this is drafted well. I don't need to read it to be sure of that."_ Roan pushes the folder away. _"_ **You** _tell_ **me** _why I'm risking signing this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because it's the right thing to do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They had Otto killed last year for approving something less invasive than what I know you want."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Since when are we afraid of criminals?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You like to push buttons Woods. Me, not so much. I'd like to keep my head where it is."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you won't sign it someone else will."_ _  
_  
Lexa, frustrated, places her hand on her folder and makes to stand and walk away with it.  
  
_"You came to me because everyone else already shut you down. We both know that. I'm your last resort."_  
  
Roan's smug grin grows at Lexa's hardball display. He's well aware she's not leaving this office that easily.  
  
Lexa locks her jaw. She's been called out. She turns to face Roan.  
  
_"I have a case but it's not as solid as I need it to be. They could still find ways to get out of it. They always do. I want them on tape. I need it to be bulletproof."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know, Woods."_  
  
Roan pumps up the theatrics on his doubt like the slimeball he is.  
  
_"Cut the bullshit, Roan. When I'm done with them you'll want your name on this. I've heard you're thinking about running for the state Supreme Court. Being part of taking down an organized crime entity would look great on your ads. I'm sure it will buy you votes."_  
  
Lexa plays to what she knows is every man's weakness: their ego. Roan mulls over the idea carefully before he speaks again.  
  
_"Devices?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Madonna, Crea Sr., DiNapoli, Truscello, and Cartelucci's landlines and cellphones. Our CIs say Corso and Mafucci also try to Skype about important things to stay off lines because they don't think we can get to those. Need approval for that too."_  
  
Roan scoffs and laughs.  
  
_"You just named the top chain."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm trying to cut the head off the snake. I've gone for the lower tier for years and even with the thirty seven I've put away, it never actually hurts their operation. They're still there. I'm taking a different approach."_  
  
Roan examines Lexa in silence for long seconds.  
  
_"Who's authorized in this?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm keeping it small for now. I don't want them sniffing this out. It's Indra and myself at the DAs Office. Ilian, Hayes, and their tech guys on NYPD."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why now?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ilian and Hayes's sources say something big is happening this month. There's a lot of chatter but we can't figure out what. Could be a shipment. Could be something completely different."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're coming to me with nothing Woods. That's circumstantial at best and a rumor at worst."_  
  
Lexa grows frustrated and her tone becomes more forceful. She's resilient in this.  
  
_"It's not nothing. We have signed affidavits from the CIs saying they've been told to prepare because something is happening. It's big enough that they're keeping it tight so that it doesn't get out. We need to catch them doing it. If anything is unfolding, the people who know what it is are in these seven. They're going to have to talk about it eventually."_  
  
_"You have no real probable cause."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have ten years worth of files in my office that say differently. I wouldn't be pushing this if I wasn't positive that I can win this case with what we get."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Put a tail on them, get an undercover inside, get CIs that are higher up."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You know they made Riley disappear. We can't risk putting another undercover in there. They're already paranoid. Besides, planting a UC takes time. I need access to those phones now."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How long?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The full thirty days."_  
  
Roan pulls the folder with the legal documents back towards him. He opens it and flips through the pages quickly scanning them and he considers what is written and what has been said to him.  
  
Lexa looks on anxiously being aware that he is unnecessarily stretching this out.  
  
_"To my knowledge Madonna and Crea have been tapped before. I can't approve those, but you already knew that. You can have the other five. I'm giving you fifteen days on mobiles and landlines. Ten on other forms of communication."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Twenty across the board."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fifteen, Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You know thirty days is my limit. You giving me half could make this pointless. Twenty with the possibility of an extension."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're pushing your luck."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Do you want to sign warrants that will end in an indictment or warrants that are going to waste time and resources. One will make you look good, the other one will make you look stupid. Twenty."_  
  
Lexa is not backing down. Roan considers it.  
  
_"Twenty."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"With an extension."_  
  
Roan shoves the folder further towards Lexa.  
  
_"Redraft these and get them back to me."_  
  
Lexa gets up and grabs the folder.  
  
_"I'm putting the extension in writing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You enjoy making enemies more than anyone should."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have a thing with my kids today, but I'll have it to you tomorrow morning."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'll look it over. If it's good I'll have them signed by end of day Wednesday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe you're not as bad as they say."_  
  
Lexa tells him in jest.  
  
_"Don't fuck us both over on this Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I won't. I'm going to get them. They're done."_  
  
Lexa expresses confidently before she exits Roan's chambers.

* * *

Lexa steps into the hallway and can't help but smile. This is the moment her entire career has been building up to. Someone was finally going to get the seemingly untouchable Lucchese monolith to fall and that someone was going to be her.  
  
_"GW."_ Lexa turns at the sound of her nickname to find Nick staring at her. Nick eyes the name on the door for the office she just exited and then back at Lexa. _"You and Roan. That's an interesting pair. What was that about?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Needed to get a warrant signed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"From Roan?"_ Nick asks playing up his surprise. _"It must be insane enough that no one else would sign it."_ Nick steps closer and lowers his voice. _"Is it for the Lucchese case?"_  
  
Lexa cocks her head in a non-denial sort of way and pivots back to face the original direction she was heading towards and starts walking.  
  
_"Have a good day Dillane."_

As Lexa walks away from Nick she gets the nagging feeling that there was something she needed to talk to him but when she can't immediately figure out what, she moves on to revisiting her to do list for the day. Lexa doesn't dwell on it too long beceause she figures whatever it was it could wait. 

The moment Lexa turns a corner and disappears from sight, Nick nervously fishes his phone from his pocket. He goes through his recent calls and dials an unsaved number. The call is answered on the second ring.  
  
_"She got it."_  
  
That's all Nick utters before hanging up the phone and walking away.

* * *

Lexa walks into the elementary school auditorium where parents and children have already started assembling. Costia is in tow. They are both having an animated and ostensibly joyful conversation.  
  
Lexa's meeting with Roan was shorter than she anticipated which meant she got to pick up the seventh grader from her middle school before schedule. Lexa wasn't expecting the day to go this smoothly, but so far so good. In fact, it was going so well she was afraid to jinx it.  
  
_"If you see your sisters or Jake let me know."_  
  
Lexa tells her daughter as she cranes her head to scan the large room.  
  
_"Momma! Sissy!"_  
  
Before she has time to react, Lexa feels a small body ram into her legs. She looks down to find Roa smiling up at her. The surrounding of her lips are smeared with something red and sticky.  
  
_"Hi peanut."_ Lexa kneels down to Roa's eye level to greet her. She brings her hand up to Roa's face and runs her thumbs over her lips trying to clean her up. _"What were you eating?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Jason's mommy brought popsicles."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yum. Were they good? Did you say ‘thank you’ when you got yours?"_ _  
_  
Roa nods as best she can while Lexa is holding her face. As soon as Roa is clean and Lexa lets her go, Roa hugs Costia's legs. Costia picks her up and holds her.  
  
_"Hi!"_  
  
Costia lovingly kisses her sister's cheek.  
  
_"We had popsicles."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I heard."_  
  
One of the doors behind Lexa opens and the fifth graders pile in. Anya is the second in line. Anya has Lexa's bag hanging from her shoulder.  
  
_"Hey."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nana!"_  
  
Roa yelps excited as if she hadn't seen her sister just a few hours ago. Lexa pulls Anya in with one arm and kisses the top of her head.  
  
_"How was your morning?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. We got some reviews done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"For Algebra?"_  
  
Anya nods.  
  
_"I have your stuff."_  
  
Anya signals to the bag dangling from her body.  
  
_"I see that. You're my savior."_  
  
Lexa takes the duffle from Anya's shoulder and swings it over her own. Just in that moment a door squeaks and a row of third graders walks in through one of the far left doors.  
  
_"That's Jake's class."_  
  
Costia points out when she recognizes the first few kids. An entire row of children make it into the auditorium but still no sign of Jake. A few moments after everyone is inside, straggling behind the rest, Jake and Lukas walk in giggling and obviously engrossed in some sort of game. It only takes Jake a few seconds to raise his eyes and lock them with Lexa's. That's how easily they could find each other in a crowd. Jake taps Lukas before he takes off running in the direction of his mom and sisters. Within seconds he's joined them. Lexa has moved back down to greet him at his height level. Jake rams into her and Lexa has to bring one of her hands to the floor to keep herself from falling.  
  
_"Hey bud."_  
  
Not two seconds later Lexa feels another body forcefully collide into hers. Lukas has clearly joined the hug.  
  
_"Aunt Lexa!"_  
  
Lukas greets her warmly, Lexa kisses Jake then Lukas. They both start talking at the rate of a thousand words per minute and Lexa can't really make out what either of them is saying.  
  
_"Woooh...ok. I didn't get any of that but it sounds exciting. Have you seen your mom yet Luke?"_  
  
Roa interjects before her cousin gets a chance to reply.  
  
_"Lia had an accident. Aunt O took her to the bathroom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, ok. Well, how about you guys do this? You stay here and wait for Aunt O to get back and I'm going to borrow Jay for a second."_ Lexa squishes Jake's stomach as she smiles at him. _"Do you want to go talk for a bit?"_  
  
Lexa asks and Jake nods. Lexa stands straight and grabs his hand pulling the boy behind her. Before she heads for the main doors and leaves the group, she taps Costia on the shoulder.  
  
_"Keep an eye on them until Octavia comes back."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cool."_  
  
Lexa squeezes her shoulder in gratitude. Costia and Anya go back to listening to whatever Roa and Lukas were saying.

* * *

Lexa and Jake make their way to the bright and spacious vestibule. She spots a row of chairs and leads them to it. She takes a seat and perches Jake on her lap. Before she speaks she gives him a lingering kiss on the side of the head.  
  
_"You hair looks nice. You did a good job with it this morning."_  
  
Lexa whispers into his head.  
  
_"You thinks so?"_  
  
Jake's tone changes to something akin to elation. A compliment from his mom can always make anything better.  
  
_"Yeah. Looks just like mine did when I was your age, except much cooler."_  
  
Once Lexa pulls away, Jake immediately wraps his arm around her neck resting his head against her cheek. The move is tender, intimate, and familiar.  
  
_"How's school been?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good. I got all my multiplication tables right when Mr. Pedowitz quizzed us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's great Jay! I'm proud of you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How was work?"_  
  
Lexa laughs at the seriousness of his tone. As if he could understand the implications of the question or her answer.  
  
_"Good. I had a meeting with a judge this morning because I needed him to give me permission to catch some bad guys."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Did he do it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He did. I have to rewrite some paperwork tomorrow when I'm back at the office, but after that some really great things are going to happen."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you going to send them to jail?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh yeah. They’re going away for a long time."_  
  
Lexa's voice is overflowing with anticipation and a smile creeps on her face.  
  
_"Awesome!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you excited for your play?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think so."_  
  
Jake replies hesitantly.  
  
_"You know all your lines. Why wouldn't you be excited?"_ Jake shrugs but doesn't speak.  _"Mom told me you were nervous."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I guess."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, I think you are going to be the best Roger there ever was."_  
  
Jake hums but remains silent.  
  
_"I'm sorry I've been busy and we haven't had a chance to finish our conversation from the park. I'll try to figure something out to get us alone time this week, ok?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm also sorry I left this morning without saying goodbye."_ _  
_  
Jake nods but doesn't say anything.  
  
_"Do you forgive me?"_  
  
Jake wraps his other arm around Lexa's neck, pulling her in for a hug, and holds her tightly.  
  
_"I forgive you."_  
  
Lexa turns her face to kiss the side of his head.  
  
_"You're going to do awesome Jay."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You think so?"_  
  
The hint of doubt is unmistakable in Jake's voice.  
  
_"Would I ever lie to you?"_ Jake shakes his head no. _"There you go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fifth grade class students and parents please assemble in front of the stage."_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa hears the words coming through the speakers.  
  
_"I have to go run through this with Nana. I'm not sure if I'll get to see you before you go up, but if I don't, know that I love you and that I'm very..."_ Lexa punctuates the word with a kiss. Jake giggles. _"...very..."_ Lexa kisses him again and the boy squirms while laughing. _"...very proud of you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're going to be great too momma."_ _  
_  
Jake tells her while still laughing. Lexa winks and smile at him.  
  
_"Thank you baby. We're all going to be cheering for you. Cos and Aunt O are going to be right near the front and I'll figure out how to watch you. You ready?"_  
  
Jake nods.  
  
_"Fifth grade parents and students please make your way to the stage."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. I really have to go. Gimme a kiss."_  
  
Jake leans in and gives Lexa a quick peck.  
  
_"Go find your friends."_  
  
Lexa nudges him before she stands up. He runs into the auditorium ahead of her.

* * *

The school decided to schedule the fifth graders as the opening act on the line-up in order to give the parents that took part in it the opportunity to enjoy the rest of the showcase. That means Lexa and Anya were the first group up which made Lexa equal parts relieved about the fact that she could get this over with, but at the same time she never wanted to get on that stage if it were at all possible to delay this forever.  
  
Lexa and Anya stand on the sidelines behind four pairs of dads and little girls as they listen to the principal introduce the showcase. Anya, always perceptive to the moods of those around her, squeezes Lexa's hand and leans in to whisper.  
  
_"Thank you for being here."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a lie. You hate this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The 'making a fool of myself in front of hundreds of people' part, absolutely. The 'getting to do it with you' part, not even a little. I'm glad you asked me. I don't know why because your mom would've definitely been the better choice, but I_ **am** _honestly glad you did."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Me too."_  
  
Anya smiles and squeezes Lexa's hand again.  
  
_"You might take that back after I embarrass you in front of your friends."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Who cares what they think?"_ Anya shrugs. _"You're the best not-dad here."_  
  
Lexa doesn't have the chance to reply. The principal has apparently ended her speech because suddenly the crowd erupts in hooting and applause. The lights dim down to black and _"Imaginary Tea"_ by Jon McLaughlin plays through the sound system. That's their cue.  
  
Lexa and Anya look at each other and silently nod as the father-daughter couples in front of them begin to file onto the stage. There's no turning back now.

* * *

Surprisingly, the dance as well as the rest of the show goes on without any major mishaps beyond some kid forgetting a line or a bit of choreography.  
  
Roa's first grade class performs after the second graders and Jake's third class closes the event with their rendition of the 101 Dalmatians musical.  
  
If you asked Lexa if she cried at all that day, she would say no. That answer would be a lie. As much as she tried to play it cool, Lexa cried more than once. Lexa cried because her children were brilliant and perfect in every way. Lexa cried because there was no way she could stop herself from getting emotional when thinking about the individuals they were growing up to be. Costia was the stubborn and sometimes grumpy but artistic leader, Anya was the quiet wise one, Jake was delicate and broody yet plenty silly, and Roa was the vibrant and imaginative spacecadet.  
  
Those four children were all the best parts of Lexa and they were all the best parts of Clarke combined into four short, messy, and loud humans that Lexa loved with every atom of her being. Lexa sometimes had a hard time reconciling that this was hers, that she deserved any of this at all. But they **_were_ ** hers and as she sat in that uncomfortable theater chair looking at each of her kids own whatever big or small part they had in this silly elementary school play, Lexa could feel her heart burgeon beyond anything she had ever experienced before.  
  
Lexa's career was where she wanted it to be, she got to wake up intertwined to the love of her life every day, and together they'd made this. Together they'd made them. Her and Clarke had created life and **_a_ ** life that was better than anything Lexa had ever read in any of her books. When she was a child, Lexa used reading as a form of escapism. Literature took her away from the miserable places she found herself in and they gave her some respite. Lexa envisaged those far away places with fantastical characters not knowing that one day her real life would be better than all of it combined. When Lexa finally came to terms with that, when she saw her son closing up his elementary school showcase standing on a stage with a ridiculous costume surrounded by other eight year old dressed as dogs that honestly looked more like cows, Lexa most definitely cried because reality **_can_ ** be better than fiction. This day was solid proof of that.

* * *

A New York City corner diner with big glass windows perfect for watching all the people zoom to and from unknown destinations. Lexa and Costia sit at one of the booths by the big pane with a few bags containing new shoes piled opposite them. They both share the same side of the booth and are close enough to practically be leaning against each other. On the table a mostly eaten plate of french fries and the bottom half of two milkshakes. One was vanilla and the other was half mint chocolate chip and half vanilla.  
  
Costia bites half of a fry and leans her head back laughing as a result of whatever Lexa just said while looking at her mother like she was entirely capable of pulling the moon from the sky by request.

Lexa regains her composure from their laughing fit and speaks again as she chomps down on a potato.  
  
_"That song you were working on last night sounded incredible."_  
  
Costia beams at Lexa's unexpected compliment.  
  
_"Yeah?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"I'd love to listen to it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's not done yet."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whenever you're ready."_  
  
Lexa smiles at her daughter and Costia grins broadly reveling in the fact that her mom just told her her music was good.  
  
_"I think it would be cooler if I had a loop pedal to use for the chorus."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What's a loop pedal?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's a thing you use to record parts of a song and loop them. Then they can be mixed to make dope rhythms and harmonies when you layer all the loops together. And obviously it's a pedal so you case use it with your feet while playing."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You connect it to your computer or something like that?"_  
  
Lexa asks clueless.  
  
_"Yeah, you can."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why don't you have one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I've been trying to save for it but the one I want isn't cheap."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How much?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Five hundred and fifty."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?! Does it do your homework and your laundry too?!"_  
  
Lexa looks almost offended at the price tag. Costia chuckles at her mom’s overdramatic reaction.  
  
_"No. It's just a really good pedal."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What's this magic piece of equipment called?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The Boss RC-300 Loop Station."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That sounds fake."_  
  
Costia laughs and takes a sip of her milkshake.  
  
_"It isn't. That's what it's called. I swear."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How much do you have saved so far?_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, I got up to three hundred and twelve but I had to spend it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What did you spend three hundred dollars on?!"_  
  
Lexa is, once again, wholly appalled.  
  
_"Your birthday gift."_  
  
Costia replies sheepishly.  
  
_"Costia..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not going to tell you what it is, but it's good. I'm definitely going to be the best one this year."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You shouldn't spend your allowance on me. I don't need anything. That wasn't necessary. You were more than halfway there!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Nana got you that Saddleback Leather briefcase last year. You take it to work every day. She made my books look bad. Not letting that happen again."_  
  
Lexa kisses the side of Costia's head and laughs.  
  
_"First of all, it's not a competition. Secondly, I scolded your sister for that and your mom for allowing it to happen. Third, I loved those books. They were a very thoughtful gift. Everyone gave me the best gift. You guys shouldn't spend your money on me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You spend your money on us."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah, but I'm the parent. That's how it works."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You deserve nice gifts too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have everything I need Cos."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Doesn't mean we can't buy you things for your birthday."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'd rather you use your savings on something else."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Too late. It's already bought and on it's way. You're going to have to live with it. Mom let me ship it to the gallery that way you can't snoop."_  
  
Lexa wraps her arms around Costia and pulls her into her chest before kissing the top of her head.  
  
_"Thank you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think you'll like it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sure I will."_ Lexa kisses the top of her daughter's head one more time before speaking. _"I'm proud of you for putting together all that money. You should've kept it for your loopy thingy."_  
  
Costia laughs at Lexa's bungling of the name.  
  
_"Loop pedal mom."_  
  
Lexa hums in acknowledgement. They both sip on their drinks in silence for a few seconds before Lexa speaks again.  
  
_"You got a B- on your Geometry final right?"_  
  
Costia nods.  
  
_"And an A- on your AP History exam, yeah?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yup. Those were posted yesterday when mom checked."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You also did all your chores last week without_ **too much** _fuss and helped Ro with her math reviews."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Why?"_  
  
Costia looks up at Lexa.  
  
_"How big is this pedal thing?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"About this big."_  
  
The space between Costia's hands is about eight or nine inches long.  
  
_"So it would fit in your backpack?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah?"_  
  
Costia knots her brow and grows suspicious.  
  
_"Without your mom seeing it for a few days?"_  
  
Costia's smile begins to grow. She has an idea of where this is going.  
  
_"Yeah?!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How about this? We can run to get it before we pick up Nana under two conditions."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh my god mom. Yes! What? Anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, three. One, it doesn't distract you from studying for finals."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Easy."_  
  
Costia jumps in taking over Lexa.  
  
_"Two, you make sure to bring As for the rest of the exams."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I only have English, Social Studies, and Spanish left. I can do that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The last one is the most important one though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What? What is it? I'll do whatever you say."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You_ **can't** _let your mom see it until after all your grades are posted. We won't get in trouble if I tell her it was a reward for your good grades."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Done!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You promise you won't use it until the end of the week? No touching it before school is over?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I swear mom. I promise!"_  
  
Costia was basically jumping out of her seat with glee by now.  
  
_"I'll get our check and you Google the nearest Guitar Center then. We have..."_ Lexa looks at her watch. _"Half an hour at most to get there, buy the thing, and make it back to the field to pick up your sister."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We can do it."_ _  
_  
Costia states confidently as she pulls her phone out to look up the nearest shop while Lexa walks up to the counter to pay for their food. Within a couple of minutes they’re out of the diner and heading on an absolutely unsanctioned shopping trip.

* * *

Lexa walks down a packed New York City sidewalk somehow juggling her briefcase and bag with a change of clothes as well as Costia backpack and Anya's soccer bag. The girls chat amongst each other while Lexa looks on with a content smile on her face.  
  
Lexa's phone vibrates in her pocket. She haphazardly switches the bag on her right hand to the already strained left hand and digs into her pant pockets. _"Husband"_ and a selfie of her and Clarke during their latest date night flashes on the screen and Lexa's smile immediately grows.  
  
_"Hey!"_ Lexa looks at her watch. _"Are you on the plane? Cos, Nana, and I are on our way to pick up the little ones. Do you have any requests for dinner? We can't decide. There's a very heated argument happening right now concerning the benefits of sushi over pizza."_ _  
_  
The girls move a few steps ahead as Lexa falls slightly behind.  
  
_"Babe..."_ Clarke sounds regretful. _"I missed boarding. My meeting ran a bit long and I should've been fine but then there was traffic on the way to Logan. They don't have anything open again until the 12:20 AM flight. I'll land around one and I assume I'll be home by two. I won't make it to dinner or bedtime."_ _  
_ _  
_ Lexa's smile disappears and her tone changes.  
  
_"That's a bummer. They've been really excited to tell you about today."_  
  
And by 'they', Lexa absolutely means herself too.  
  
_"I know. I'm sad I don't get to see the video today. The pictures you sent me looked great."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What does mom say about dinner?"_  
  
Clarke can hear Anya's voice rise above the noise of the street.  
  
_"Your mom can't make it to dinner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why?!"_  
  
Both Costia and Anya complain.  
  
_"I'll explain in a minute."_ Lexa tells the girls and goes back to talking into the mobile device. _"Do you want me to save you some dinner?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No it's fine. I'll grab something here. Please don't wait up. It'll be late."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You know I will. I can't sleep without you in bed."_ Lexa lowers her tone at the last sentence so it's something only the two of them can hear. _"I'll probably be up anyway. I have a lot to get through. Roan wants some changes done to the warrants but once that's settled, he said he'll sign them. The moment I have those taps they're done for."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's amazing, Lex! You've been working on this for so long and it's finally panning out. I'm the proudest wife."_ _  
_  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Good. I only do it to impress you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can I say hi to mom?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ask mom if she's bringing us gifts."_ _  
_ _  
_ The girls talk over each other and Lexa - who has had more than enough practice on the skill of _"how to tune out children during a phone call"_ over the years - attempts to carry on with the conversation regardless.  
  
_"I think you're doing a decent enough job at that."_ Clarke laughs. _"So it all went without a hitch then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Let me talk to mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Everyone was where they needed to be on time. I told you I had this."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"When is mom coming back?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Never doubted you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Momma, I want to talk to mom!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Thank you for giving Nana my bag."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok, maybe I doubted you slightly."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"You're so reassuring."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Always babe."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"Mom!"_  
  
Lexa finally turns to the girls.  
  
_"Stop. I'm trying to talk and you guys are being rude. No more."_  
  
Lexa hears Clarke snickering on the other end.  
  
_"What? Why are you laughing?"_  
  
_"It's weird hearing you be bad cop. That's usually my job. Maybe I should go on work trips more often. That might make me the favorite mom for a change."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're both the favorite mom."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think you got me beat there. Easily. They adore you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't be crazy. They adore you too. They've been talking about how much they miss you all day."_ Lexa addresses the girls as she sees them about to step onto a crosswalk with only a handful of seconds left on the countdown. _"No, don't go. We don't have enough time."_ _  
_  
The girls stop and all three of them stand at the corner watching cars pass by. Lexa lowers the phone and brings it between the girls.  
_  
_ _"Say hi to mom. Tell her she's your favorite."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"HI MOM!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"WE LOVE YOU!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE!"_  
  
Clarke has to pull her phone a few inches away from her ear because of the volume. Lexa brings her phone up again to her ear.  
  
_"Hear that? You're the favorite. It’s been settled."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
_  
_ _"You told them to say that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, I just encourage them to speak the truth."_ The light changes and Lexa nudges the girls to start walking. _"Go."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure. Ok. Alright, I'm going to leave you to it. I'm sure it must be a lot right now. Sorry I can't be there, but I'll be home soon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can't wait to see you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you, Woods."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you too, Griffin."_ _  
_  
Lexa ends the call, manages to store her phone, and goes back to focusing on the girls.  
  
Neither Clarke nor Lexa knew that was the last time Lexa would answer her phone for years. Lexa would never pick up a call from Clarke again until she was standing on a ledge the day their second son was born. Clarke and Lexa wouldn't have a phone conversation again until one year, eleven months, and ten days later but neither of them thought to treasure this exchange because neither of them knew what lay ahead.

* * *

The evening goes about as well as it would with Lexa in charge. They get pizza, wings, fries, ice cream, and soda. Lexa swears them to secrecy while simultaneously having the feeling that will probably not be the case and she'll have to end up explaining her dietary choices to her wife, but today has been a good day and Lexa thinks they've earned it.  
  
Once dinner is done Lexa sits with the four of them at the dinner table for some study time. Trying to get Roa to focus on anything related to school is, without fail, the biggest challenge of Clarke and Lexa's day. Lexa eventually resorted to separating Roa from the other three because her lack of focus was in turn distracting them. Lexa converted their study session into a one on one event in Roa's room. This meant Lexa spent most of those hours focusing on Roa while putting Costia in charge of whatever questions the other two may have. If Costia couldn't answer them, then Lexa would step in. For the most part, Costia handled it on her own.

* * *

Lexa now found herself sitting in one of Roa's small chairs hunched over her tiny work desk trying to revisit fractions, but frankly, Roa wasn't having any of it.  
  
_"Count the amount of pieces Ro. How many are there?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One, two, thirteen, nine, twenty."_  
  
Roa bounced the pencil randomly around the page not really paying attention to the worksheet.  
  
_"Come on, Ro. Focus."_  
  
Lexa tapped on the sheet of paper pointing at the particular exercise in question.  
  
_"Are mermaids real?"_  
  
Lexa sighs in slight frustration and rubs her eyes with her thumb and middle finger.  
  
_"What does that have to do with fractions?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think they live in castles under the sea with all their friends and they have sleepovers with the fishies and the squids. But no sharks or the octopuses. They're mean and not invited."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ro..."_ Lexa runs her hands through her hair. _“We have a page and a half left and then we're done. We can play for a bit before bedtime, but we need to finish these first. Can we do that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Roa agrees.  
  
_"Good girl."_ Lexa kisses the side of her head. _"How many pieces is this circle split into?"_  
  
Lexa points to the problem. Roa looks at it and for a few seconds it genuinely seems like she's concentrating on solving this. Roa then looks up at Lexa and nonchalantly speaks.  
  
_"Do you want to know why the octopuses aren't invited to the mermaid princesses sleepovers?"_  
  
Lexa groans in defeat.  
  
_"If I say 'yes' can we go back to studying once you tell me why? We really need to finish this tonight because it's due tomorrow. It’s your take-home midterm. We_ **have** _to get it done, Ro."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One day the octopuses came into the palace of the princesses and..."_  
  
Roa went on a tangent for an entire eleven minutes about why fictional octopuses weren't allowed to attend the sleepover parties of non-existent mythical creatures and Lexa in her eternal patience sat, nodded, smiled, and interjected with a question when it felt appropriate.  
  
Towards the back end of Roa's speech Lexa is beginning to fade. The long day is starting to catch up to her and she yawns. Her eyes get watery and she turns her face away from Roa as she tries to hide the yawn and the subsequent rubbing of her eyes. Lexa does her best to cover her exhaustion because she never wanted to give the kids the impression that they were boring her. Especially not when it came to something they were clearly passionate about.  
  
The moment she turns her head away from Roa, Lexa notices something. Roa's toy trunk is open and at the top sits the plastic container they use to store all her smaller dolls and toys. Lexa gets a brilliant idea. She stands up and heads for the trunk. Roa looks at her confused.  
  
_"Don't worry. I'm listening."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"...and when Eliza's mommy yelled at her because of the evil octopus she said that they weren't going to be welcomed at the sleepover parties anymore because..."_  
  
Lexa grabs the container and double times back to the table. She brusquely interrupts Roa.  
  
_"Ro, I have an idea. Do you want to play a game?"_  
  
Roa's eyes glisten at the suggestion. A game is definitely better than homework.  
  
_"Yes! What game?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. Let's try this."_ Lexa dumps the handful of toys she fished from the container on the table. She organizes them in a circle. _"How many princesses are there Ro?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good job! There's just as many princesses here as there are in that circle so we're going to write eight here. Ok? Right there."_ Lexa points to where Roa should write the answer and the little girl does. _"What are the names of these two?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Romina and Penelope."_  
  
Lexa tilts her head being extremely confused as to where Roa would come up with such intricate names but she doesn't dwell on it.  
  
_"Great. Ok. What happens if Romina and Penelope have to go home early from the mermaid sleepover because their mommy needed them home to help with chores?"_ Lexa removes the two dolls from the circle. _"How many do we have left?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"One, two, three, four, five, six!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Smart girl."_ Lexa kisses Roa's cheek in encouragement. _"Where do you think we should write that?"_ _  
_  
Roa grabs the pencil and writes it in the corresponding slot over the barely legible number eight she had drawn a minute ago.  
  
_"Six! That's how old I be momma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. That's right. Ok, see..."_ Lexa points to the diagram on the worksheet. _"This circle is divided into eight pieces and two are colored red. Those red bits are Romina and Penelope. If you take the two of them out, what does that make it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Boring."_ _  
_  
Lexa bursts out laughing at the candid and natural response.  
  
_"Ok, not what I was looking for. What's this number here?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Six and eight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"How do you say that as a fraction though bug?"_  
  
Roa contemplates it.  
  
_"Six eight?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No, what's the right word for eight here?"_ _  
_  
Roa thinks real hard.  
  
_"Eighth?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There you go!"_ Lexa glows with pride and Roa's confidence grows at the show of positive reinforcement. _"How do you properly say this fraction then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Six eighths."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That was perfect Ro!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If you take six out of eight how many do you have left? How many are Romina and Penelope?"_ _  
_  
Roa looks at the dolls and quickly comes up with the answer.  
  
_"Two."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhum. Write that number here then. What do you get now?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Two eighths."_ _  
_  
Lexa's hands fly to Roa's stomach as she begins to tickle her.  
  
_"You're so smart."_ Roa howls with laughter at the funny voice Lexa is using. _"You're so fricking smart. The smartest six year old I've ever seen."_ _  
_ _  
_ After a couple of minutes of solid goofing off and laughing, Lexa manages to get Roa back on track. Withing half an hour all of Roa's worksheet is complete. Apparently all they had to do was incorporate Roa's games and imagination into the academic process and it becomes relatively painless. Clarke is going to be incredibly proud of Lexa for figuring this out.

* * *

Bedtime rolled around soon enough which meant a whole different type of chaos. Trying to wrangle four kids and get them to sleep when they have no desire to be put to bed was more challenging than the things Lexa faced in court on a daily basis. Usually there's two of them for the bedtime routine and they can each handle the tricky parts with half the number of kids. Even when it's just the one, then it's the mom that they actually listen to. Lexa missed Clarke during bedtime more than she had at any other point during the entire day.

There were maybe a handful of nights where Lexa had to tackle bedtime without Clarke, but that was either because Clarke was out with one or a couple of the kids doing something or there was someone else around to split the task with Lexa. If Clarke went out for a child-free night with her friends then Lexa would have Anya over for beers and a movie night. If Clarke had the rare show out of town or abroad then Abby or Octavia would pop in to help. Unexpectedly having to wrangle all four kids by herself was completely uncharted territory for Lexa.  
  
Getting Roa showered, changed, and asleep took long enough that by the time Lexa was done with her Jake was out cold. He had fallen asleep on his bed with his clothes on and a book in his hand. Lexa had hoped they could have a conversation that night, but it seems like all the excitement of the day got to him and she missed her opportunity. Not seeing him that morning and not getting to spend time with him during bedtime felt off to Lexa, but she told herself she'd do better. This definitely couldn’t become a trend.  
  
Anya and Costia were a little more cooperative once the babies were asleep. They stayed up for about an hour past their bedtime, but Lexa called it a success when she finally had everyone in their room with lights out just before eleven. Not ten minutes later, Lexa found herself with a generous pour of scotch on the rocks in her hand. She certainly had earned that one today.

* * *

It's seventeen past two in the morning when Clarke finally returns to the apartment. In what seems like one swift motion Clarke sauntered down the hallway, opens the door to Lexa's office, walks inside without saying a word, grabs one of Lexa's hands, uses her free hand to turn off the desk lamp that illuminated the room, yanks Lexa from the chair, and forces her up on her feet.  
  
_"Clarke?"_  
  
Lexa, now comfortable in sweats and a t-shirt, with her mane contained in a loose braid, and her glasses too far down her nose, asks confused as she is being dragged out of her office and down the hallway. Clarke doesn't acknowledge the question or stop moving until they're inside the room and the door is closed and locked behind them.  
  
Clarke's lips attack Lexa's. Lexa is most definitely confused about what is happening. Clarke pushes her onto the bed and begins to remove her clothes.  
  
_"I have..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"No. No more work tonight. It's two in the morning. You're done. I'm done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I was..."_  
  
Clarke lifts her eyes from the fingers that were deftly working on undoing her dress's zipper to stare blankly at Lexa. Lexa gets the message. She takes off her glasses and puts them on the bedside table. Apparently she is finished working for the night. Lexa offers her undivided attention to the sublime woman standing across from her, the one who seems to be desperate to get her clothes off.  
  
Within seconds Clarke is in bed wearing nothing but her lacey black thong. She brings her lips up to Lexa's and her tongue requests permission to freely explore. Lexa parts her lips granting Clarke access. This definitely became the highlight of both their days.  
  
Clarke finally backs away after short minutes of slow and tender yet passionate kissing accompanied by lazy caresses.  
  
_"I've been wanting to do that all day."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I can tell."_  
  
Lexa smirked at Clarke smugly.  
  
_"You taste like Laphroaig."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's because I was drinking Laphroaig."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They drove you to the point of alcohol consumption, huh?"_  
  
Clarke chuckles.  
  
_"I considered selling at least two of them during bedtime."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I do that more than once a d..."_ Clarke's words are interrupted by a loud yawn. _"...once a day. I'm so tired. I hate airports."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm sorry."_ Lexa leans forward to place a slothful peck on Clarke's lips. _"How was your meeting?"_ _  
_  
Clarke crossed her arms on top of Lexa's chest and rests her chin on her fists.  
  
_"It was amazing actually. I talked my way into becoming a guest curator at the Museum Of Fine Arts in Boston aka one of the largest and most respected museums in the country."_ _  
_  
Clarke humblebrags as a joke while Lexa's face lights up with the purest and most genuine form of pride and adoration.  
  
_"Potentially getting my first exhibit this fall with the surrealist collection Anton and I were discussing, but there's a lot of moving pieces still. Scheduling will be big. We tentatively talked about me doing guest lectures or even some studio art classes. I might have to go to Boston a few times a year depending on what is happening, but it's a forty minute flight. It's not too bad. There's a lot to think about with all we have going on here and what the kids are doing, but we have time to work through it."_  
  
Lexa gives herself time to take it all in before responding.  
  
_"That's incredible Clarke._ **You** _are incredible."_  
  
Clarke smiles at the unassailable affection she feels emanating from Lexa's voice and what little of the expression she can see in the darkness of the room.  
  
_"Thank you for holding the fort down today."_  
  
Clarke brings their lips together and gives Lexa a few lazy kisses.  
  
_"Any time."_  
  
Clarke hums and bites Lexa's bottom lip before gently tugging on it and smiling.  
  
_"You have court tomorrow, right?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. We're going back for the first day of Jury selection. I hate that we have to do this all over again."_  
  
The Fishing Line serial killer trial came to an abrupt halt when it was revealed that one of the forensic analysts and expert witnesses that had handled some of the evidence was an old school acquaintance of a victim. At that point the judge had no choice but to declare a mistrial. Every piece of evidence had to be retested which put them on hold for a few weeks. The judge had to dismiss the original jury seeing as he couldn’t keep them sequestered for an undetermined amount of time while forensics was ran again which meant the prosecution was quite literally back to square one with this case.  
  
_"You'll get the conviction this time."_  
  
Clarke places another soft kiss on Lexa's lips. Lexa hums and closes her eyes, content.  
  
_"I hope so."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You will."_  
  
Clarke canoodles Lexa. Lexa runs her hands through her wife's hair and interrupts the silence.  
  
_"Cos's dance recital starts at what time?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Seven."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And I'm meeting you there?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Uhum."_  
  
They lay in silence for a couple of minutes, simply existing with each other. Lexa's fingertips ghosted over Clarke's skin as they repeatedly traced her naked spine while Clarke slowly ran her finger up and down Lexa's jawline and lips while placing a sporadic smooch here or there.  
  
_"By the way..."_ Clarke gives Lexa a lingering kiss. _"...I saw the six hundred dollar charge on the card. I don't know what you and Costia did but I'm refusing to ask questions tonight because I'm exhausted and I want kisses and if you tell me then I'm pretty sure I won't want you to give them to me."_ _  
_  
Clarke plants a short burst of pecks on Lexa's lips.  
  
_"Oh..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're more of a pushover than you like to admit and not as slick as you think."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It was my idea, she..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Shhhhhhhhhh..."_ Clarke speaks against Lexa's lips. _"We're not talking about this right now."_ Clarke kisses Lexa. _"I'm positive I can be just as angry tomorrow."_ Clarke bites Lexa's bottom lip. _"Tonight we get to sloppily make out like we did when I got you drunk at college parties and then sleep."_

Clarke's tongue finds her way into Lexa's mouth once more and Lexa sleepily moans in response.  
  
_"Good plan."_  
  
Lexa manages to mumble as Clarke's lips hungrily attack hers. They don't speak again before they fall asleep naked, spent, and shamelessly having indulged in more than just a simple, messy make out.

* * *

**Tuesday June 13, 2028**

It was a day like any other for the Griffin-Woods family. Some struggled to wake up, some argued, some threw tantrums.  
  
When Lexa woke at six in the morning she had an email from the NYPD detectives handling the Lucchese case. A confidential informant may have come up with new, time sensitive evidence and they needed her input immediately. Seeing as Lexa was about to spend the day in court and had the evening reserved for Costia's recital this left Lexa with no other time to meet them than this morning. Lexa leaves the house within half an hour of waking up giving her time to meet Ilian and Hayes before she was due in court. That meant Lexa was gone before any of the kids were up.  
  
Not being able to currently dedicate to the Lucchese case full time devolved into Lexa starting to stretch herself thin on all fronts, but her and Indra had already discussed pulling her off other cases once the Fishing Line trial was done. Nailing these bastards was going to become her sole focus and Lexa was champing at the bits for that moment to come.  
  
The rest of Lexa's day was a blur. She went from a precinct, to her office to finish drafting the warrants and getting them off to Roan, to court, to the dance recital, and back to the precinct. Ilian and Hayes’s new informant was more than willing to give them financial documents that would tie the Luccheses to not only money laundering, racketeering, fraud, and extortion amongst other things including first degree murder. The evidence provided by this ex-accountant on top of the years of evidence Lexa already had, plus Lexa's wiretap, and whatever they got from that were their irrefutable smoking guns. The CI refused to speak officially without certain assurances of protection though and he requested to talk to someone from the DA's office directly. That meant Lexa had to leave her family the moment the recital was done. Lexa didn't make it back home until sometime past midnight.  
  
Lexa and Jake didn't see each other for more than two hours that day and only a fraction of that time translated into meaningful interactions because most of that was spent sitting in a dark theater watching a dance recital.  
  
This is one of the days of her life Lexa would come to regret the most.

* * *

**Wednesday June 14, 2028**

10: 00 AM. Clarke sat cross-legged on the floor of a colorfully decorated classroom as the attendants sang and laughed during a game of "Pin The Flag" on a giant world atlas. Jake sat on Clarke’s lap. He leaned back resting against her chest and Clarke had her arms tightly wrapped around his waist as he looked on at his friends play on the board. Every so often Clarke would plant a kiss on the back of his head and he would turn around and smile at her or would look back at her to point out something funny. Octavia and Lukas sat next to them in the exact same position.  
  
Jake's homeroom teacher had decided to schedule a year end event for the class that involved the parents. At least one parent would come in and spend the day with their child in the class reviewing all the things the third graders had learned throughout the year and showing them off to the families. The teacher organized games and friendly competitions to illustrate all the grammar lessons, math, science, and geography they had gone over the past nine months. At the end of the day, parents would assist in packing up their child's belongings from the classroom and take everything home in anticipation of the summer vacation that started on Friday.  
  
Clarke and Jake pummeled every other team to dust in the puzzle and art competitions, but didn't do so well in math and science. They laughed when they won, and laughed even harder when they lost.  
  
Clarke and Jake had a beyond perfect day together; one that both of them were a little sad to see come to an end.

* * *

3:10 PM. The elementary students have all been dismissed for the day and the grounds reverberate with the noise of excited children heading home. Clarke walks down the school parking lot with Roa and Jake buzzing around her while her and Anya converse.  
  
_"Did any of the stuff we study last week make it to the test?"_ _  
__  
__"It was mostly all Civil War stuff."_ _  
__  
__"That's good! You had all that down."_ _  
__  
__"Yeah. It wasn't hard. Mr. White..."_  
  
Anya is interrupted by Clarke's mobile ringtone. Clarke fishes through her bag to pull it out. Lexa's name is on the caller ID and Clarke immediately answers.  
  
_"Hey love."_ _  
__  
__"Hi. How was it?"_ _  
__  
__"It was great. O and I bonded with some of the other moms. We might have a group play date soon. Very grown up of us."_  
  
Lexa laughs on the other end.  
  
_"You had fun then?"_ _  
__  
__"Yeah, I did. It was really fun actually."_ _  
__  
__"That's good. I love to hear that. How's everyone else?"_ _  
__  
__"We just said goodbye to O and the kids. On our way to the car now. I drove here because I knew we'd probably have a ton of stuff to carry from his classroom. We're picking up Cos in a bit. Ro did excellent on her math test from what I hear so good job on that and it seems like Nana did well on History too. All good news on our end. How's your day?"_ _  
__  
__"It's good. The judge recessed earlier than I thought. I'm back at the office waiting for Roan to return the signed warrants that way Ilian and Hayes can get this rolling."_ _  
__  
__"I'm excited for you. This is big babe!"_ _  
__  
__"It is."_ Lexa pauses because she knows she's about to have to do some big time convincing. _"So...I was wondering...would you mind dropping Jay off on your way home?"_ Clarke attempts to get a single word in but Lexa interjects and immediately jumps straight into her explanation. _"I thought of cutting my day short once I get this back from Roan. I've been promising Jay some one on one time for a while and with all the craziness these past few days it hasn't happened. I want to finish that conversation we were having at the park. I_ **know** _he has to study for tomorrow, but I just want to grab a burger with him. I'll have him home at a responsible time. Promise."_ _  
__  
__"Lex...it's finals week."_ _  
__  
__"I know. I know. But he still has to eat during finals, no? It's just dinner. I'll make him study before we leave and we'll come straight home after we eat."_ _  
_  
_"He has grammar and spelling tomorrow."_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa as if that would be enough to deter her.  
  
_"I'm a fantastic English tutor. He will ace that. I'll make sure of it."_ When Clarke doesn't reply Lexa adds. _"Please."_  
  
_"I'll text you when he's on his way up."_ Clarke can almost hear Lexa smiling through the phone and she knows the exact face her wife is making. _"I'm picking Cos up first though. It'll probably be about an hour."_ _  
__  
__"That’s fine. An hour is great. I love you."_ _  
__  
__"I love you too. Bye."_ Clarke ends the call just as they approach the SUV and turns to the little boy running around her with his sister. _"Jacob."_ _  
__  
__"Yeah."_ _  
__  
__"Do you have your grammar books in your bag?"_ _  
__  
__"Yeah."_ _  
__  
__"Good. I'm dropping you off at momma's office in a little bit."_ _  
__  
__"Yesssss!"_ _  
_  
With the news Jake's energy levels spike and he jumps into the car.  
  
_"Can we go with momma too?!"_  
  
Roa looks up at Clarke hopeful.  
  
_"No. Momma and Jake have something to do and you..."_ Clarke taps Roa's forehead. _"...have to study."_  
  
Roa pouts.  
  
_"I wanna go with momma!"_ _  
__  
__"Roa, we're not doing this. Jake is the only one staying at the office today. Get in the car."_  
  
There was a certain tone of voice that Clarke broke out when she was leaving absolutely no room for negotiation or back talk and she had just used it on Roa. Roa knew better than to challenge that. She merely stomped her feet and did as she was told. In a matter of minutes everyone and everything is piled into the car and they drive to the middle school to pick up Costia.

* * *

4:15 PM. Costia sits in the passenger seat with one of her feet up on the dashboard. Ever since she jumped into the car she has been texting someone nonstop. Whatever conversation she is having, has put her in a foul mood.  
  
A block away from the office building Clarke turns to Costia and playfully smacks her on the arm to get her to look up. Costia rolls her eyes vigorously before looking up at her mother.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Costia grunts through gritted teeth.  
  
_"There's not going to be any parking. I'm going to need you to jump out and walk him to the elevator. I'll drive around the block and meet you again."_  
  
Costia groans at the inconvenience.  
  
_"Ugh...can't Nana do it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I asked you, not her."_ Clarke looks through the rearview mirror. _"Jake, grab your backpack and get out as soon as I stop. Cos is going to walk you inside."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Are you sure we can't go?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Roa...I thought I made myself clear."_ _  
_  
The little girl pouts. Clarke throws her blinkers on and double parks on the busy street right across from the entrance of the government building.  
  
_"Costia. Move."_ Clarke taps her hands on the steering wheel in an attempt to hustle the pre-teen who had her eyes back on the phone. Costia maneuvers out from under her school bag, jumps out the passenger side, and opens the back door for Jake. Clarke turns only slightly and barely looks at him over her shoulder. _"Please tell your mom to have you home early."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok!"_ _  
_  
Jake is taking his sweet time unbuckling his seatbelt and collecting his belongings. The car behind Clarke honks aggressively.  
  
_"Anytime today Jake! Close the door!"_  
  
Clarke hurries him. Jake jumps out of the car. The moment the door to the SUV closes Clarke faces forward again and hits the gas.  
  
If Clarke would've known that was the last time she was going to see her son alive and that those would be her last words she spoke to him she would've done it all differently.

* * *

Jake hops, twirls, and mumbles to himself next to Costia as they walk up the steps that lead to the imposing building dedicated to the New York County District Attorneys Office. The Griffin-Woods faces are familiar to the security team that worked the lobby by now and the guards push Costia and Jake through the metal detectors without inspection.  
  
Costia walks the wonted path to the elevators without needing to look at where she's going or remove herself from the conversation she's currently having. Costia presses the "up" button non-stop until one of the elevators dings and opens. Jake runs ahead of her and directly to the empty elevator. Costia only inserts enough of her body into the cart for her arms to reach the button that will take him to Lexa's floor. Once it lights up, Costia steps outside and turns back towards the main door.

Since getting out of the car, Costia has only looked up from her phone twice: once to look at the security guards and another one to press the elevator button. She never acknowledged Jake.

 _"Bye!"_  
  
Jake yelps excited as the doors close behind Costia. Costia doesn't even respond.

* * *

7:30 PM. Costia and Roa sit on one side of the table while Clarke and Anya sit on the other. Turtle lays on the couch looking on at the vivacious foursome. They were in the middle of an animated game of Pictionary Junior and a stack of papers filled with hastily drawn images is strewn between them.  
  
Clarke had made the girls study for the last couple of tests they had remaining during the afternoon, but after realizing that the short attention span she began to see towards the end of the session was stemming from saturation, Clarke told them to put the books away and they decided to play. This was the second board game they've gone through and they've been at it this particular one for about an hour. Clarke and Anya had a four point lead which was making Costia a more than slightly sore loser.  
  
_"How could you not guess that was a tricycle?! You're the reason we're losing."_  
  
Costia gripes at Roa with obvious frustration. Roa recoils at the admonishment, but doesn't back down.  
  
_"Because you didn't draw it well! I also don't know what a tricle is."_  
  
Roa butchers the name and Anya laughs.  
  
_"It's just a game. Relax."_  
  
Anya jumps in letting Costia know the anger is unnecessary. Clarke kisses the side of Anya's head in support of her statement.  
  
_"I think this one is getting too intense. We can call it a draw."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We all know it's not a draw."_  
  
Costia complains.  
  
_"We just made it a draw. No one loses."_  
  
Anya jumps in backing Clarke.  
  
_"How about a movie?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lion King!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We can't always watch the dumb Lion King, Ro."_  
  
Costia berates her.  
  
_"Besides our copy is still missing remember?"_  
  
Anya brings up in an attempt to smooth the situation over.  
  
_"Oh..."_  
  
Clarke guides the dog off the couch so they can sit.  
  
_"Come on. Up."_ Clarke encourages everyone to move from the floor to the couch. _"Help me pick."_ _  
_  
The girls pile on Clarke. Anya sits to her right resting her head on Clarke's shoulder. Costia rests her head on Clarke's lap serving as big spoon to Roa who also rests her head on Clarke's lap.  
  
_"What are we in the mood for?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Li..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't you dare say Lion King, Ro."_ Costia playfully puts her hand over Roa's mouth. The younger girl licks it. _"Ewww. Mom, she licked my hand! You're disgusting."_  
  
Costia shoves Roa hard enough to make her roll off the couch but not forcefully enough to hurt herself. She wipes her hand vigorously against her shorts. Clarke chuckles at Roa's face from the floor.  
  
_"Are we going to have to make "No Licking" an official house rule? Because you've been on a spree lately."_  
  
Roa climbs back onto the couch but Costia pushes her off again.  
  
_"You're gross. No."_  
  
Costia hogs the entire side of the couch that she was sharing until just seconds ago. Roa climbs over her and Costia grunts at the added weight.  
  
_"Get off me!"_  
  
Clarke and Anya laugh at the sight.  
  
_"Roa, get off me. You're so annoying!"_  
  
Costia tries to get out from under the fifty one pounds of dead weight that laid on her. When she can't she tilts her head back to look at Clarke only to find her smiling at the whole thing.  
  
_"MOM!"_ Costia complains at the lack of help. _"Tell her to get off me!"_  
  
_"Roa..."_ Clarke stands up and hovers over them. She speaks in a serious tone with a stern face. _"...move over. I need some room."_  
  
Clarke tells the little girl and she lays down on top of Costia too while making sure to keep most of her weight on the foot she kept on the ground and begins to kiss her all over.  
  
_"No. Eww. Stop. Get off me. Why are you guys being crazy today?!"_  
  
Clarke laughs and so does Roa as they poke and kiss the scrawny and tall almost teenager under them. Not one to miss out Anya joins in too.  
  
_"I can't be grounded if I kick someone!!!"_  
  
Costia screams as she tries to squirm out and get away from the barrage of unsolicited love. Six hands are all over her trying to poke her while Clarke continues to cover her face in kisses.  
  
_"You're such a grump. Let us love you."_  
  
Clarke tells her in between kisses.  
  
_"No!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Acting all cool because you're in middle school now. Not on my watch."_  
  
Clarke continues to cover Costia with slobbery kisses while the other two try to tickle and pin her down and also kiss her.  
  
_"OH MY GOD MOM STOP!"_  
  
Costia screams exasperated. Roa is laughing at full volume and so is Anya. Even Turtle has joined in and has began licking Costia's feet. Costia can pretend she hates this all she wants, but she secretly loves being like this with her family. To Clarke, this is nothing short of perfection.

* * *

The apartment continues to be inundated with the echoes of howling laughter and playful screaming for long minutes. They remain in absolute, undiluted bliss until the doorbell rings.  
  
Clarke **_thinks_ ** she hears it over the squealing and the cackling, but it isn't until it is rung a second time that she acts on it. Clarke finally rolls off Costia who grunts in relief. The four of them are starting to get sticky and shiny with sweat. The girls are unquestionably not talking themselves out of a shower tonight. Clarke pokes Costia one last time and they all giggle.  
  
_"Your momma forgot her keys at the office again. What are we going to do with her?"_  
  
Clarke tells them as she half jogs towards the door. She moves the slightly damp hair from her eyes. Clarke speaks as she opens the door with a dazzling smile still on her face.  
  
_"Lex, I'm going to glue a set of keys to your briefc...Hi."_  
  
Clarke stops mid sentence when she sees the two uniformed NYPD officers standing at her door.  
  
_"Good evening. Are you Clarke Griffin-Woods?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I...am?"_ Clarke replies confused. _"How can I help you?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ma'am, we need you to come with us."_ _  
_  
A commotion drowns out the last part of that sentence as Roa runs towards Clarke expecting Jake and Lexa to be at the door. Clarke and Roa talk over each other.  
  
_"Why?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Momma you missed..."_ Roa stops when she sees the strangers at the door. _"Mommy who is they?"_ _  
_ _  
_ Clarke ignores Roa's abrasive question and presses the officers.  
  
_"What happened?"_  
  
The sudden silence and the lack of Lexa and Jake's voices spark Costia and Anya's curiosity. The two pre-teens walk to the living room entryway and hover. They see their mother with Roa by her side and what seem like two police officers at the door.  
  
_"Ma'am, there's been a shooting."_  
  
Before this second, Clarke had no idea that five words could shatter someone's world with such violent intensity. Before that instant, Clarke didn't know that twenty three measly letters could be the turning point in someone's life; that they could mark a stark before and after in a family. Before that minute, Clarke was unaware that these halls wouldn't echo with the sound of truly blissful laughter for an exceedingly long time. Before that point in time, Clarke was completely oblivious to the fact that she had just experienced her last moment of true and untainted happiness.

For the rest of her life, Clarke often finds herself wishing she could go back to being the person she was and living the life she lead up until the second before she swung that door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	28. Late June 2029 (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**Late June 2029 (Part 2)**    

Clarke closes her laptop, takes off her glasses, shuts off the bedside lamp, and for the first time in months she turns her body towards Lexa. Clarke tentatively wraps her arm around her wife's torso. Lexa immediately stiffens taken aback by the contact. When Lexa doesn't pull away Clarke grows bolder and rests her head on Lexa's shoulder. They lay in silence for a while, neither of them moving until Clarke breaks the stillness.    
  
_"I miss this. I miss you."_  
  
Lexa doesn't say a word, but a couple of minutes later she readjusts their bodies so that her arm is under Clarke's neck and she pulls Clarke tighter towards her chest. This is the closest they've come to casually existing in over a year. Clarke smiles against Lexa's chest because she knows this is as good as she's going to get for now.  
  
Minutes pass and Clarke becomes even more emboldened. She knows if she doesn't say it now, she might never say it.  
  
_"I think we should have another baby."_  
  
It hasn't been longer than five seconds after the word "baby" leaves Clarke's mouth before Lexa is pushing her away and getting up from the bed.  
  
_"Lex."_  
  
Lexa leaves the room and before Clarke even has a chance to react she can hear her wife at the front door opening and subsequently slamming it behind her.  
  
Clarke inhales deeply, rubs her eyes, and attempts to sleep. She knows it's the only real option she has right now.

* * *

Costia rests her back against the thick trunk of a Yellow Birch tree that lives by the moonlit, placid lake. Her day was long and filled with dull camp activities she had less than zero interest in taking part of. Even though she was physically exhausted, her mind couldn’t seem to rest. The insomnia was responsible for bringing her out here. Costia has been sitting in this exact spot since the routine headcount that followed lights out. She'd very much rather be having some time to herself than laying in a stuffy room with five other girls, specially Snoring & Sleep Farting Kim.

Costia had only been here for a week and she was already beyond over it. Truth be told, she had been over it since before Clarke dropped them off at the bus top, but she was particularly annoyed now. Costia was very much a fan of lattes and Wi-Fi, neither of which she was getting out in the middle of the Adirondacks Mountains. Another thing putting Costia on edge was the fact that she severely underestimated the amount of cigarettes boredom would make her go through. Costia’s stash is running dangerously low when she still has two weeks left being stuck in the middle of nowhere. Those packs are the only thing keeping her from biting someone's head off and she's not entirely looking forward to seeing what will happen if she can't ration them wisely enough and actually does run out.  
  
A journal filled with lyrics rests on Costia's lap. The teenager is obviously in the process writing a new song. The nearly fourteen year old takes a long drag of the half smoked cigarette she holds between her index and middle fingers while repeatedly humming the melody that’s been stuck in her head for the past two days but that she can’t quite figure out.  
  
Costia speaks to herself in an attempt to try to find the lyrics that go with this particular bit of music.  
  
_"Because darling, it's just us..."_ Costia shakes her head and takes another drag of nicotine. _"Darling, it's just you and me. Daydreaming about all the things that we..."_  
  
Costia begins to jot down the lyrics in her pad when she is interrupted by a blood curdling scream. The sound of it cuts cleanly through the stillness night. A second one quickly follows. Costia's skin is instantly blanketed with goosebumps as soon as she hears them. Whoever is screaming sounds truly terrified.  
  
A third scream echoes across the campgrounds. This time Costia notices it's coming from the direction of the cabins that house the younger girls. When the fourth horrified yelp rips through the trees it suddenly hits Costia that she knows exactly who that is. Her eyes expand tenfold in size and her heart drops to the pit of her stomach. All she can feel at the moment is pure dread.  
  
_"Ro."_  
  
Within seconds Costia is abruptly on her feet. Her journal and cigarette become entirely unimportant and they both end up discarded onto the dusty ground surrounding the tree. Without warning Costia finds herself running faster that she's ever ran before.

* * *

Costia bolts through the forest. Some branches slash her exposed skin open but she doesn’t have the wherewithal to register the pain. Her legs are sprinting at full speed, yet it still takes Costia a couple of minutes and a few dozen spine tingling wails to reach the sleeping quarters. Every time she hears her sister scream the possible scenarios unfolding in her mind grow increasingly distressing and her concern multiplies exponentially.

By the time Costia arrives to the right cabin, an ever-growing crowd of tween and teen girls has started assembling on the porch and around the door. All the girls that were sound asleep until minutes prior have begun to gather outside and are flagrantly doing their best to peek inside and catch a glimpse of whatever is unfolding. Costia pushes through the throng of girls effortlessly. She cuts through them as easily as a bowling ball through rag dolls.  

When Costia manages to get inside the main room, what she comes across shatters her heart. A disheveled Roa stands in the middle of the open space. The little girl is dazed, shaking, and crying profusely. There's snot running down her face and her pupils are visibly dilated. Roa is undoubtedly frightened.

One of the camp counselors is doing her best to move closer to the almost eight year old in order to comfort her but Roa keeps snapping their hand as soon as it comes close to her body and cowering away from it.

Within seconds Costia is in front of her little sister. The counselor tries to stop her but Costia pushes the away effortless.  
  
_"That's my sister!"_  
  
The counselor moves out of the way.  
  
_"Ro."_  
  
Roa violently shoves Costia away from her.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Roa seems out of it and most definitely frenzied. Costia drops to her knees in front of Roa and holds her sister’s face between her hands trying to get the little girl to snap out of it.  
  
_"Roa. Hey. It's Cos. You're okay. Ro. It's me. It's sissy. Look at me."_  
  
Once Roa's brain processes the voice and recognizes something and someone familiar, it reacts. Roa finally looks at Costia and when she does she breaks down in the older girl’s arms.  
  
_"Shh. You're okay. You're okay."_  
  
Roa has a vigorous grip on Costia's neck but Costia manages to turn to the counselor.  
  
_"What happened?"_ _  
__  
__"I..."_  
  
The young counselor hesitates. For a fourteen year old, Costia can be quite intimidating.  
  
_"What happened?"_  
  
Costia asks more forcefully this time.  
  
_"It was a joke, geez. She took it too seriously."_  
  
Costia turns to the direction where the voice came from. In the front row and to her left she locks eyes with twelve years old Mel.  
  
_"What was a joke?"_  
  
Costia feels her anger bubble under her skin as she questions the young brunette girl.  
  
_"We were trying to do a prank. This is totally over reacting."_  
  
Costia rubs her hands up and down Roa's back trying to do her best to soothe her. She's gentle with her sister while at the same time staring down the tween currently addressing her.  
  
_"What did you do?"_ _  
__  
__"She's weird dude."_ That was strike one as far as Costia was concerned. _"She kept talking about fairies and imaginary friends. We told her she could get to Narnia through the closet and then we locked the door behind her. We didn't think she was going to go crazy."_  
  
That was strike two and three in one single sentence. That scenario would've been cruel for anyone, but Costia knows there is nothing her little sister is more afraid of than the dark. Costia can't image how spooked Roa must have been while locked in there, but the shrieks she heard give her a pretty good idea.  
  
In an instant Costia removes Roa's hands from her neck and is on her feet. It almost feels like she glided over to Mel because before she knows it, Costia is right up against the girl's face. She is two years older, more than a few inches taller, and fuming mad to boot. Costia knew her presence could be imposing even under normal circumstances and she can’t begin to fathom how incredibly menacing she is coming across now that she is purposefully trying to be. The younger girl doesn't falter though.  
  
_"You couldn't pick on someone your own age? She's seven."_  
  
Costia nudges Mel’s shoulders.  
  
_"Girls, everyone please go back to bed. It was a game that got out of hand."_  
  
The counselor tries to intervene.  
  
_"If she wasn't a freak then maybe no one would want to play pranks on her."_  
  
Costia lunges forward with every intention to sweep the floor with this girl when she feels someone pull her away. Costia was about to fight that person too when she turns to find twelve year old Anya.  
  
_"Stop it. Don't."_  
  
Anya locks eyes with her older sister. An incensed Costia yanks her arm away from Anya's grip and makes to move towards Mel once more. Anya puts her soccer defensive skills and speed to good use and quickly moves between them, purposefully blocking Costia. Anya pushes Costia away from Mel.  
  
_"Nana..."_ Costia grunts in a threatening tone. Unfortunately for her, her younger sister is not one bit coerced. _"She..."_  
  
Costia moves towards Mel and Anya jostles her one more time.  
  
_"She's younger than you Cos. If you pick a fight with her you're just as bad as she is."_  
  
Other counselors are starting to trickle into the room and more adults become involved in trying to deescalate the confrontation. The counselors do their best to guide everyone away from the cabin and back to their beds.  
  
_"Alright girls. Everyone back to their rooms."_  
  
One of the older, more experienced counselors has stepped in to try and contain the situation now.  
  
_"She locked Ro in a closet! A fucking closet!"_  
  
Costia screams at Anya confused as to why Anya would be defending the girl that shamelessly bullied their little sister.  
  
_"I know."_ _  
__  
__"What the fuck Anya?!"_  
  
Costia is thrown off by Anya's calmness.  
  
_"I said_ **you** _shouldn't do something because you're older than her. She's in my group though."_  
  
In that exact moment Anya pivots and her fist makes direct impact with Mel’s cheekbone. The girl immediately stumbles back and falls on her ass hard enough to bounce off the wooden floor. Everyone still left in the room gasps loudly out of sheer shock. Mel holds her face as she begins to cry. Counselors step in to pull a completely unfazed Anya away. Anya looks at the girl dead in the eyes.  
  
_"Don't come near my sister again."_  
  
Anya steps away from everyone who's attempting to hold her while counselors race to coddle Mel and her friends. Anya walks over to the distraught Roa and pulls her closer to her body. Roa wraps her arms around Anya's waist straightaway. Anya wordlessly guides Roa towards the door and they move to leave the room. There is no way Roa was sleeping alone that night.  
  
Costia tilts her chin in a slightly menacing manner at the crying girl who still sits on the floor. Once Costia feels her point has been made, she jogs in order to catch up with Anya and Roa.

* * *

The three sisters lay on one of the several outdoor bed swings that are dispersed along the edge of the lake. They are curled up into each other. Roa sniffles as she is sandwiched between her sisters.  
  
_"You ok?"_  
  
Anya strokes her little sister's hair. Roa shrugs.  
  
_"I'm going to kill her."_  
  
Costia does her best to gracefully get up from the fluffy mattress in order to go fight the girls that hurt her baby girl. Anya rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Sit down."_ Anya yanks Costia back down onto the bed. _"She's not going to mess with Ro again. I think she got the message."_ _  
_  
Costia huffs but does as she's told. Surprisingly, Anya frequently got the upper hand on Costia. She knew her sister better than anyone and was the one person who could more often than not whip her into shape.  
  
_"What does ‘freak’ mean? She said I was a freak."_  
  
Roa inquires embarrassed. Costia sits up without any hesitation and grabs her sister's face in her hands.  
  
_"You are_ **not** _a freak. Ok? Not even a little."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"They made fun of me. Can we call mom to get us? I don't want to be here anymore."_  
  
Roa averts Costia's eyes. Anya addresses Roa.  
  
_"Some people made fun of me in school too, but I didn't let it get to me. All you need to do is ignore them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want to go home."_  
  
Costia kisses the side of Roa's head.  
  
_"Maybe we can call mom tomorrow and ask, but I don't think she'll let us Ro. We're here for a bit longer."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why would they make fun of Princess Pepper and Tony? They're never mean to anyone."_  
  
Anya jumps in to answer the question once more.  
  
_"When people don't understand something they laugh at it. Those girls can't see how cool your friends are so they made jokes. They're just stupid. It's why you should ignore them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You think I can keep being friends with Princess Pepper and Tony?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Duh. Don't stop doing the things you like because someone says so. That's what they want. You just pretend you didn't hear them and keep doing what you want to do."_  
  
Roa contemplates Anya's words.  
_  
_ _"Ok."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And if anyone is ever mean again you come tell me and I'll sort it out. Alright?"_  
  
Costia states firmly. Roa nods and curls into her sisters.  
  
_"I wish momma was here."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes.  
_  
_ _"Nana and I are here. That's more than enough."_  
  
Roa nods and closes her eyes. They all fall into comfortable silence. Within minutes the youngest girl is sound asleep.

* * *

Anya and Costia look up at the starry night sky. Now that Roa sleeps peacefully between them, Costia turns to Anya thinking they can speak freely.  
  
_"Who's messing with you?"_ Anya looks at her sister confused. _"At school. You told Ro that someone was making fun of you. Who?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It doesn't matter."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes, it matters. Who?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not going to go to my school and get in people's faces."_ Anya chuckles because she knows damn well her sister is thinking about doing just that. _"I can handle it. It's stupid."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want to know."_ _  
_  
Anya considers it for a few moments before she speaks.  
  
_"Some girls from sixth grade starting trouble in the lockers. It's no big deal."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Trouble over what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ Costia presses her sister.  
  
_"They were saying they don't want to change in front of me because since I have two moms I'm probably gay too and I'd look at them."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What?!"_ Costia almost hollers. Roa stirs between them and she brings her voice down. _"What the fuck? Who was it?"_ _  
_  
Even though Costia had moved on to middle school, having just finished seventh grade meant she had only been gone for a year from the school Anya was still in. She knew the majority of the people there and most sixth graders would move up to her school next year. If Anya told her who it was and they ended up at her school, Costia was going to have a chance to set things straight with those girls.  
  
_"It's not important. Let it be."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course it's important."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't have to see them again next year. It's done."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why didn't you tell me?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because I knew you'd try to find them and make things worse. You aren't exactly chill most of the time."_  
  
Anya chuckles.  
  
_"If someone is messing with you, you tell me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cos, I'm not a kid. I can handle things myself, you know?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I'm not saying you can't, but you still tell me. I'm supposed to take care of you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"A bitch with a heart. How sweet."_  
  
Anya mocks her sister trying to divert from her unwavering tone.   
  
_"I'm being serious."_ Costia ignores her sister’s derision and doesn't hesitate. Lexa always told her her job was to protect her siblings. She was the oldest one, they were her responsibility. After what happened with Jake that sense of duty had only become heightened. Costia took her role of caregiver and defender even more to heart now. Given what was happening with Clarke and Lexa, Costia felt she was the one person Anya and Roa could count on at the moment. Learning she missed something this big frustrated her.  _"I can't believe you didn't tell me."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I really didn't care what they had to say. They're idiots."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You should've told me. I would've made them stop."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't need you to be my guard dog all the time."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Doesn't matter. If something like that happens again you tell me. Understood?"_  
  
Anya snickers at the look on her sister's face and her stern tone.  
  
_"You sound just like momma."_  
  
Costia huffs at the accusation. She was nothing like Lexa. At all. Not one bit.  
  
_"I don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok_ _."_  
  
Anya rolls her eyes and drops the subject.  
  
_"You know if you need me to..."_  
  
Anya, knowing what her sister would say jumps in.  
  
_"I know. I know."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good."_  
  
Roa sleepily shuffles between them while they lay in silence. The night is warm and the owls around them hoot filling the moments of quiet.  
  
_"They weren't wrong."_ Costia whips her head to Anya. _"The girl and her friends...they accused me of staring because I think I was."_ Anya hesitates but eventually continues speaking. _"I think I like girls and she's super pretty. I don't know if I was staring or not. I might have been. I think I like boys too. I don't know. It's confusing sometimes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Mom likes boys and girls too. So does Fox. It's not a big deal."_ _  
_  
Costia shrugs nonchalantly.  
  
_"Do you too?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't think so? I've always just had crushes on boys, never on a girl but maybe one day I will. Who knows?"_ Anya hums. _"Are you going to talk to mom about it?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Probably not. At least not now. There's too much going on."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You should. It might help."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"If things ever calm down I will."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She'd have time for it if Lexa wasn't around."_ _  
_  
Costia's voice has a tinge of resentment.  
  
_"Don't. Not tonight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You know it's true."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It isn't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course it is."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Cos..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't get you. I don't. How are you not angry at her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's going through a lot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's not the only one."_  
  
Costia states curtly.  
  
_"She was there that day Cos. When Jake..."_ Anya looks down at Roa and doesn't continue the sentence. _"I'd be messed up too."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Whatever."_ _  
_  
Neither of them presses the matter. They sit in silence for minutes before Anya speaks again.  
  
_"We can't sleep out here. Bears and stuff."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. I think I can carry her."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She can sleep in my bed tonight. It's closer anyway."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Can I crash there too? It might be tight but..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Duh. Just don't kick me."_

 _"No promises."_ _  
_  
Costia laughs before getting up, pulling Roa closer to the edge on her side, wrapping the smaller arms around her neck, and the legs around her waist. The sleeping girl instinctively holds on tight. Costia tries to straighten up in order to walk and grunts as soon as she does.  
  
_"She's fucking heavier than she looks."_  
  
Costia groans while taking a short step quickly followed by another.  
  
_"You good?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I may or may not drop her. If I do, you can't tell mom."_  
  
Anya guffaws while walking ahead of her sisters in order to be able to open the door once they reach the cabin. Costia makes a mental note of waking up earlier the next day to grab her journal and her cigarettes from where she left them in hopes that no animal will run off with them tonight. If they do she's going to be crankier than usual.

* * *

Bryant Park at lunchtime is brimming with people. Families and lovers lay on the grass laughing. Lexa sits amongst them, alone, and blankly stares. Her bare toes dig into the hot grass and she sighs. She looks back down at her lap and is confronted by the image she's trying to purposefully evade.

On her way out of the apartment she had mindlessly grabbed the mobile device she had left charging in the living room. The phone's screen displays a picture of Jake full screen. It was one of the many taken after one of his baseball games. He is sweaty and grimy but his face dazzles with a vibrant smile. His team had just won a championship game and nothing made him happier than knowing they were about to go celebrate a victory. Jake hadn't noticed Clarke was taking a picture, he wasn't even looking at the camera. He probably didn't even know that photo existed. It was a millisecond of his life, captured forever, even now that he's gone.  
  
Lexa did her best to steer clear from pictures of him as of late. Seeing him made her chest constrict, but Clarke’s words...her suggestion to have another baby, they kept ringing in her ears and every time she thought about the idea for longer than a second, she felt her vexation fester. Before her brain has a chance to go into an ire down spiral as it had often for the past day and a half, Lexa feels a warm body sit mere centimeters next to her. She turns prepared to gripe at the person but comes across a familiar face holding out a flask and refrains from unleashing the slew of words she had swiftly prepared.   
  
_"It's not Lagavulin, but it should do the trick."_

Gina smiles. Lexa stares at the flask in her hand and stays mute.  
  
_"You looked like you could use it."_  
  
Lexa looks up at Gina but doesn't speak. She's hoping her silence will do the job and push her away.  
_  
_ _"Come on, it's Oban. I wouldn’t offer you shitty whiskey. There's two, maybe three sips left in there. You're going to miss out if you don't."_  
  
Lexa looks away and Gina moves the flask to her mouth taking one long sip. The silence between them lingers for a minute as Gina gathers her words.  
  
_"I'm sorry about your son. I spent the day with your wife and him at the school that day. We found out what happened the next morning. Less than twenty four hours later and the mood in the room was completely different. Bree really liked him. I've heard her and some of the other girls mention him a few times since. We went to the funeral. I looked for you, but I was told you were still in the hospital."_  
  
Lexa takes a deep breath and exhales loudly. Gina extends the flask again.  
  
_"Last chance."_  
  
When Lexa doesn't respond yet again she brings the flask to her lips and knocks her head all the way back emptying it.  
  
_"You and the painter still together?"_  
  
Lexa ignores the question and locks her eyes on the buildings across from her. She calmly watches ant sized strangers busily whizz through the windows. Once she’s certain the answer to the question won’t break her, she speaks.  
  
_"What does she say about him? Your daughter?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That he was kind. Quiet but funny. Very smart too."_  
  
Lexa allows the words to seep for long moments before she speaks once more.  
  
_"He was."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know. I wish I would've gotten to know him better."_  
  
Lexa takes her time to reply but she eventually speaks again.  
  
_"It's complicated."_ Gina looks at her giving her a chance to continue. _"With me and Clarke. It's complicated."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I won't pretend to know what you're going through because if anything happened to either of my kids I don't know what I'd do, but I've seen what you two have from a distance and even I can tell it's rare. If something is worth uncomplicating, it's that."_ _  
_  
Lexa runs her hand through her hair and looks back down at her lap. Her screen has automatically shut off by now, but Lexa doesn't need it to be lit in order to be reminded of what's still on the other side once she presses any button.   
  
_"Maybe it's too late to fix it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Something that special can't be broken permanently. I refuse to believe it."_ Lexa turns to Gina and scans her face in silence. _"You look different."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I am different."_ _  
_  
Gina nods acknowledging the weight behind the statement. She takes a few moments to find the right words.  
  
_"Whatever the problem is, I bet it has a solution. Look for it. Maybe it's hiding in plain sight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe."_  
  
Gina gives Lexa a few moments then stands.  
  
_"I have to go. Lunch break was over five minutes ago. If you ever need anything, I work days at the Greek diner on 38th and 6th. I bartend at The Rooster in SoHo most nights too. They're picky about the crowd sometimes, but tell Joey at the door that you came to see me. He'll let you in."_ Lexa looks up at Gina and nods once. _"Take care, Lexa. Don't be a stranger."_  
  
With that, Gina walks away from Lexa. The moment Gina is nothing but a speck in the distance, Lexa unlocks her phone and gives Jake’s picture her full attention once again.

* * *

Lexa had stormed out of her and Clarke’s bedroom two days ago. This was the longest Lexa had ever been gone from home, but now that she's finally decided to return it's because she has worked herself up into a tizzy. She walks into the apartment as ferociously as she exited it. When Lexa left she hadn't taken anything but her phone with her. Not even a jacket or shoes. She returns still barefoot and late enough that with her light layers she was also freezing.  
  
Even though it was well past midnight, Lexa had a feeling that Clarke wouldn't be sleeping and she headed to the one place she was certain she would find her wife: her home studio.  
  
Lexa walks intently over to the door on the far side of their apartment and thrusts it open. Just as she suspected Clarke is standing there with paint all over her hands and a brush between her fingers plastering her emotions onto a canvas.  
  
_"He's not a dog. You don't just...go out and replace him. That's not how it works."_  
  
Lexa has hyped herself up to a level of angry Clarke had never seen before. The rage she sees in Lexa's eyes almost makes Clarke hesitate to engage but she is also angry. Clarke is irate about many things, but she's mostly upset that Lexa decided disappearing for close to forty six hours without reaching out to her was the best choice. Clarke was angry and Lexa was angry. Two could play that game.

Clarke doesn't allow her anger to make itself known though. She turns her back to Lexa and continues to paint. Clarke speaks with as much poise as she can muster.

 _"I'm well aware. He was my son too Lexa. You seem to forget that often. You're not the only one who lost something that day."_ _  
__  
__"Don't pretend like you suddenly care."_  
  
That does it for Clarke. What little equanimity she had left has officially run out. She slams the brush she was holding down on the edge of the easel breaking it in two and splashing paint in every which direction including her clothes. Clarke spins her body to face Lexa. They look at each other fiercely.  
  
_"You think I don't miss him?! Is that what you actually believe Lexa?"_ Clarke's eyes burn into Lexa. _"You may have had a special bond with him that none of us ever understood. Maybe you think you loved him more than any of us do or that you miss him more or that you're grieving him correctly but that is bullshit Lexa. You guys may have had inside jokes but_ **I** _had him inside me._ **I** _felt him grow._ **I** _felt him kick._ **I** _went through labor._ **I** _nursed him. He was my son too Lexa. You don't have ownership over grieving him._ **I** _lost him too."_  
  
That works up Lexa even more.  
  
_"I've never claimed to have ownership over him. I know how many people loved him but I'm the only one not pretending like everything is okay. It's not. He's...Jake..."._ _  
__  
__"He's what? He's what Lexa? Say it! Fucking say it out loud. Maybe if you did you'd start to make peace with it."_ _  
__  
__"Don't tell me what to do."_  
  
Clarke scoffs and laughs bitterly.  
  
_"Fucking precious coming from you."_  
  
Lexa steps up to Clarke leaving virtually no space between them.  
  
_"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_ _  
__  
__"We always did what_ **you** _wanted. It was always "The Lexa Show". I let you have it because you always have to be in control. You're uncomfortable when you're not. You always have to get your way."_ Clarke switches into a pejorative tone. _"Big, bad, powerful prosecutor Lexa. Never fucking listens to anyone. Never does anything she doesn't want to do."_  
  
Lexa leans in even closer to Clarke. They both feel each other's hot, quick breaths on their skin as they stare into the other's eyes.  
  
_"Say what you want to say Clarke. Stop dancing around it. Come on! What is it that you're really trying to tell me? Don't be a coward. Let it all out."_  
  
Lexa really is pushing every single wrong button tonight and Clarke blows up.  
  
_"You're the one who wanted another baby! You're the one who never wanted to stop!"_ _  
__  
__"Oh, so he's dead because I wanted him? It's my fault then?!"_  
  
Now they're outright yelling over each other.  
  
_"I didn't say that."_ _  
__  
__"I killed him by wanting him."_ _  
__  
__"Shut the fuck up Lexa. Honestly. You know that's not what I meant."_  
  
Clarke moves to turn her back on Lexa, but Lexa grabs her arm and spins her. Lexa leans in yet again. They're back to their faces being only millimeters apart.  
_  
__"Who's fault is it then? Hmmm?! You never wanted kids! You never wanted any of them! He wouldn't have been born if I hadn't asked right? It's my fault he existed so it's my fault he's go..."_  
  
Clarke screams louder that she ever thinks she has just to stop Lexa from talking. She shouts right in Lexa's face.  
  
_"I agreed! I brought him to you that day! He was there because I said yes even though I knew he should've been home studying. I gave in! I dropped him off! If this is your fault then it's my fucking fault too."_  
  
Lexa lets go of Clarke's arm and puts distance between them.  
  
_"Bullshit. Don't try to fix this now Clarke. You finally let it out. You really do think this was me."_ _  
__  
__"Fuck you, Lexa. Fuck. You."_ _  
__  
__"No, thank you."_  
  
Lexa tells her with slight sarcasm and a lot of venom. Clarke huffs in anger. Her face is red. Almost impossibly so. Her entire body shakes. She turns away from Lexa because she actually can't handle looking at her right now. Without warning her hands move to the painting and she yanks it off the easel hurling it across the room. Clarke then knocks the easel over. She stands where it once stood taking quick and shallow breaths.  
  
_"I guess you do feel something. Who knew?"_  
  
Clarke whips around when she hears the accusation Lexa's voice. Their eyes meet again.  
  
_"Shut up! Stop talking!"_ _  
__  
__"You want me gone then?! Is that what you want Clarke?"_ _  
__  
__"If I fucking wanted you gone I wouldn't put up with your fucking shit. Every. Single. Fucking. Day Lexa."_ Clarke punctuates every word with anger and pain. _"Every. Fucking. Day. I'm there. I'm trying. I'm doing my fucking best."_ _  
_  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Your fucking best."_  
  
Lexa echoes her words in a derogatory tone.  
  
_"Why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?"_ Clarke asks in the most honest way she can hoping that will coax out a truthful answer from Lexa. _"It feels like it's all you've wanted since it happened. You've tried to push me and everyone else away at every fucking turn."_ _  
_  
Lexa suddenly grows quiet. Clarke isn't wrong.  
  
_"Don't."_ _  
__  
__"Don't what? Answer the question. Why? Why are you doing this? Why do you insist on making all of us as miserable as you are?"_  
  
Lexa has nothing to say to that. This is the one question she wasn't prepared for. She could’ve have a comeback for anything, but not that. When Lexa doesn't kill the silence Clarke does.  
  
_"I'm sorry we refuse to let this consume us. I'm sorry I can't live next to you in whatever deep, bleak pit you carved Lexa. One of us had to keep it together. One of us had to come to terms with him being gone because we have a family to think about. We have three daughters Lexa. Do you remember them?"_  
  
Lexa jerks around to face her wife at the sounds of the accusation.  
  
_"That's fucking bullshit Clarke."_  
  
_"Is it? You know what Roa asked me a few weeks ago? She asked me if you loved us. It's not the first time she's brought it up either. Our eight year old thinks you don’t give a fuck about her. I know you can't say it. I'm aware that you refuse to say it, but Jake is dead Lexa. He's_ **dead** _. Jake is gone and he isn't coming back but we're still here. Most days I think you don't care about that, about me, but at least care about them. Costia is hurting. Anya tries so hard to put on a brave face because I think she feels like she needs to and I want her to know she doesn't. Roa might be too young to really understand what she lost but on the most basic level she misses her brother. She misses you Lexa."_  Silence falls in the room. _"I miss you. I miss my wife and I miss my best friend."_ Lexa says nothing. _"Something’s got to give Lexa. We need to do something. Anything. I can’t keep doing this.”_  

_“You want us to go back to before, don’t you? You want to pretend. I can’t pretend, Clarke.”_

_“I don’t want to fucking pretend. I want to feel close to you again. Actually, I want to feel_ **anything** _with you so I figured why not give you the one thing you used to want so badly? I just wanted to make you happy again. Maybe bring some laughs back into this house. Fuck knows we need them, but you know what? Forget I said anything. Forget I even brought it up. Clearly it was the wrong thing to do."_  
  
Clarke looks at Lexa searching for an answer. A reaction. Anything. Lexa gives her nothing. She simply stands there.  
  
_"Right. Of course. What else did I expect? I'm going to bed Lexa. You can join me or not. I don't really care. I'm fucking tired of trying to care enough for the both of us."_  
  
Clarke walks past Lexa and out of the studio leaving Lexa alone and shell shocked.

* * *

Clarke stands under the hot water in the shower. She tries to wash not only the paint on her body but the pain inside it. The one that goes past her skin and muscles and down to the very core of her being. The one she can't seem to shake off since the night Jake died.  
  
The water hides her tears but they're falling. Abundantly. She may finally have to accept the fact that her and Lexa are over. She honestly thought they were infinite and eternal, that they were beyond failure, but she may have been wrong. Even though it hurts to admit it to herself, the idea of losing Lexa hurts more than losing a child.  
  
Clarke stands under the water for about an hour before she hears the bathroom door open. She assumes Lexa is coming to get ready for bed as she usually does. What she isn't expecting is to hear the shower door open a few moments later and to turn to find Lexa naked in front of her. The stare at each other for long seconds before Lexa speaks resolutely.  
  
_"It's cold."_  
  
Her perky nipples, the goosebumps on her skin, and the slight curve of her back seem to confirm the statement. Clarke rolls her eyes and extends her hand.  
  
_"So come get under the water with me then."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke's hand and hesitantly extends hers as well tying their fingers together. Clarke pulls her in under the hot water and Lexa's body immediately relaxes.  
  
_"You didn't even take shoes. You're an idiot."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know."_ Lexa nods and gives her wife a faint smile. _"I am. I'm an idiot."_  
  
Clarke closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before she hesitantly wraps her arms around Lexa and pulls her in resting her head on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa keeps the tension in her body at first but eventually gives in and relaxes into the hug. They stand under the scalding water for what seems like forever simply finding comfort in each other's heartbeats before Lexa speaks.  
  
_"I miss you too but..."_  
  
Clarke smiles and shushes into Lexa's skin.  
  
_"No buts. Don't ruin it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know how to not ruin things lately, Clarke."_  Clarke doesn't say anything. She pulls Lexa in tighter and gently kisses the scar on Lexa's clavicle, the one that rests a few millimeters below her lips. It was one of many across Lexa's body and certainly one of the least life threatening of them all. _"I don't know how to be who I used to be."_  
  
_"We're not those people Lex. We’re never going to be again, but it doesn’t mean we can’t try to be happy."_  
  
They don't say anything for a while until Lexa breaks the silence and speaks barely above a whisper.  
  
_"I don't know if I deserve that."_  
  
Clarke lifts her head from Lexa's shoulder and looks up at her and into her eyes.  
  
_"Yes, you do._ **We** _do. More than anything."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke like she holds the answers to every single mystery of the universe.  
  
_"I don't think I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then let me change your mind."_  
  
Lexa doesn't utter a response. Clarke brings her lips up to Lexa’s. The kiss is one sided for some time, but Lexa eventually reciprocates. It’s slow and tender and hesitant. Clarke breaks away and speaks againsts Lexa’s lips.  
  
_"We need you. You were always the strongest part of our family. You're the glue. You need us too. You can't do this alone Lexa. No matter how stubborn you want to be about it. You can't."_  
  
Lexa gives Clarke a single nod acknowledging her words and pulls her wife back into her body.  
  
_"I need you."_  
  
Lexa's voice is barely audible. It's hard to even say they were spoken but Clarke hears them. Of course she does.  
  
_"I know."_  
  
Pounds of weight seems to fall off Lexa after her admission. She needs Clarke. She needs her family. She can't do it alone.  
  
_"How do we do this?"_  
  
Clarke scatters kisses over Lexa's shoulder trying to ease more of the tension out of her.  
  
_"Do what?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Find our way back? Be happy again?"_  
  
Clarke looks up at her and stands on her toes to reach her lips. She gently and chastely kisses them as she grabs Lexa's arms and wraps them around her own waist joining them closer together.  
  
_"I don't know. I wish I had a recipe for it, but I don't. We just have to try. We spend more time with the girls. We spend more time alone. We make love. We try things, Lex. If it doesn't work we move on, we give something else a shot, but I'm willing to try anything."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Even having a baby?"_  
  
The mention of the baby takes Clarke by surprise. She figured that topic was dead and buried.  
  
_"I...you...I don't want to pressure you into anything Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're not."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lex..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You were right."_ Lexa holds off on speaking for a bit. She's seeking for the best way to convey her thoughts. _"Our house has always been the happiest when there's a new baby and I'm willing to try anything too."_ Lexa's voice drops in volume and Clarke can barely hear the next ones over the sound of the falling water. _"I miss who we were. I miss who I was. I'm scared though. Jake...he..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We're not replacing him. We could never. No one will ever fill that void. No one will ever take his place. It's impossible."_ _  
_  
They stand under the water taking the moment in.  
  
_"He asked for a little brother."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hmm?"_  
  
Clarke hums asking for clarification.  
  
_"Jake, for his birthday. He wanted a remote control car and a little brother."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He did."_ Clarke scans Lexa's eyes trying to decipher what is going on inside her brain, figure out why Lexa brought that up, but Lexa says nothing. Clarke speaks again. _"He wanted this. We can do it for him."_ _  
_  
Lexa leans down and kisses Clarke more tenderly than she's done in months.  
  
_"Ok."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok."_  
  
Clarke kisses her again, a bit more passionately this time. Lexa responds and before they know it Clarke is pressed against the wall with Lexa inside her.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa make love and it's measured yet raw and fierce. It’s needy and greedy. It's confusing and messy and all consuming, but these are also all the things that they are right now. After they climax and start to come down from their hazy high, Lexa rests her forehead against Clarke as they both try to catch their breaths.  
  
_"Does this mean we're having another baby?"_  
  
Clarke asks between pants and with a coy smile on her face. Lexa smiles back in turn and more earnestly that Clarke has seen her since the morning she left home the day that Jake died. 

  
_"We're having another baby."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	29. September 2023

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, yeah...sure...I didn't update for three weeks BUT that's because life got in the way AND I was working on other things. 
> 
> 1) If you notice this is now part of a series. That is because I posted Jake's death in canonverse. It's a one shot. You should read it because if I'm not mistaken, it was the first things I wrote for CFAU and I think it's pretty good lol.  
> 2) I posted the first chapter of a new Clexa fic. It's a sci-fi :) The one shot and this are both on my AO3 so go check them out.  
> 3) People kept asking questions about music related to the fic so I went ahead and made a 250 song playlist to go along with it. There's even a chapter by chapter song breakdown so it's kind of like a reading companion. There's two posts and the first will lead to the second: http://GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/post/162513725245/clexa-family-au-music-part-%C2%BD-ive-gotten-quite
> 
> Use this post as reference for this chapter: http://GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/post/162791074380/commanderoswald-for-the-recordkeep-this-in-mind
> 
> Also, I do see the Laura in this chapter as Laura Harrier. Yes, I got lazy with the name picking. Sue me. :p
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**September 2023**

Thirty four year old Lexa lays on the couch, flat on her back, and with almost eight year old Costia resting face down on her chest. Nearly thirty one year old Clarke had taken six year old Anya and four year old Jake to the grocery store with her. It was supposed to be a family outing since shopping always went faster when Clarke and Lexa tackled it together, but at the last minute they decided Lexa would stay behind because two year old Roa had fallen asleep after lunch and waking her was not an option unless they wanted to put up with unhappy shrieking for the next few hours. Costia asked if she could stay behind with Lexa and Clarke agreed. The less kids she had to wrangle by herself the better. With Roa asleep and everyone else out of the house, Lexa and Costia were enjoying some much needed alone time.  
  
Lexa rubs her hands up and down Costia's back while Costia rants about whatever story she's telling now.  
  
_"That was when grandma said we couldn't have any more sweets. But it was unfair because I just got there. They were the ones who got to eat most of the candy. Not me. It wasn't nice."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well, grandma was only making sure none of you got sick."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But they got to eat way more than I did. How is that fair?"_  
  
Costia grouses and Lexa kisses the top of her head while chuckling.  
_  
_ _"Things aren't always fair Cos."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't like it."_  
  
Costia replies obstinately and Lexa laughs with more gusto.  
  
_"I know you don't."_  
  
They lay in comfortable silence. Costia wraps her arms around Lexa tighter and nuzzles further into her chest.  
  
_"Have you figured out what you're getting mom for her birthday yet? It's in a couple of weeks."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I have fifty two dollars and thirteen cents. I counted."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That's a lot! Good job Cos. You could get her something really nice with fifty dollars. Do you have anything in mind?”_

Costia shakes her head against Lexa’s chest.

_“No. Maybe we could go to the store and see.”_

_“We can do that, but you could also make her something. That way you don’t have to spend what's in your piggy bank. It's an option too. It could make it more special."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You think?"_  
  
Costia looks up at Lexa. Lexa nods.  
  
_"I do."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What could I make her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't know. What comes to mind?"_  
  
Costia contemplates for a long while before a smile creeps in her face.  
  
_"I could make up a song."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That could be nice. I think mom would love it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"But songs need music and I don't know how to do that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You could sing it to her without music."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"That doesn't sound fun."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hmmm...maybe it doesn't. How can we fix that?"_  
  
Costia is uncommonly expressive and Lexa can tell she's thinking quite hard just by looking at her face. The wheels are definitely spinning inside that little blonde head.  
  
_"Do you know how to make music?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I don't. I'm not very artsy like your mom. I can't play instruments or anything like that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What's an imstrunent?"_  
  
Lexa laughs, amused at how badly her daughter butchers the word.  
  
_"Ins-tru-ment."_ Lexa repeats patiently hoping Costia would catch it. _"They're the things you play to make music. A guitar, piano, violin, drums...those are all instruments."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oooooh. Uncle Bell has a guitar."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"He does. He has a few actually."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh."_ Costia pauses. _"Is it hard to learn?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Depends. I think learning isn't that hard but in order to learn you have to practice. So it's really all about how much you're willing to dedicate yourself to that."_ _  
_  
Costia hums and thinks some more.  
  
_"So if I practice I can learn?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Of course you can. You can do anything you want Cos. You're brilliant."_  
  
Lexa tells her daughter confidently.  
_  
_ _"I think I want to do it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You want to learn music?"_  
  
Costia nods firmly.  
  
_"So I can make mommy a birthday song."_  
  
Lexa smiles and kisses Costia's forehead.  
  
_"Ok. We can get you some lessons. Is there an instrument you think you want to play?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The guitar. Can I learn that?"_  
  
Costia asks brimming with energy.  
  
_"Ok. We'll get you a guitar and find a class."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Today?!"_  
  
Costia screeches in excitement and Lexa snickers.  
  
_"No, Cos. Not today."_  
  
_"Why not?!"_  
  
Costia grumbles dejected.  
  
_"Because once your mom gets back her and I have to get ready for a party we're going to tonight. We can start looking into it tomorrow. I need to talk to your mom about it anyway, but I don't think she'll mind. Once she says it's okay I'll do some reading and we'll find you a teacher."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why can't we get me a guitar today?"_  
  
Costia's face spells disappointment.  
  
_"You're too impatient for your own good Cos."_ Costia pouts. _"Hey..."_ Lexa runs her hands through Costia's golden hair forcing her daughter to look up at her. _"Let me talk to your mom about it tonight and if she says yes you and I can go out and get one tomorrow. Deal?"_ _  
_  
Costia's eyes light up in excitement.  
  
_"Yes!!!"_ Costia hastily sits up forcing her full weight upon Lexa's torso. _"Thank you momma!"_ Costia starts jumping up and down causing Lexa to groan at the constant change of pressure. _"I love you!"_

Lexa picks her up and quickly switches their positions so that Costia's back is against the couch and Lexa is hovering over here. Once there, Lexa brings her hands to Costia's waist and wiggles her fingers causing the seven year old to squeal.  
  
_"Momma no!"_  
  
Costia manages to squirm away, roll off the couch, and run in the direction of the kitchen.  
  
_"Oh, I'm going to get you."_  
  
Costia yelps and double times towards the kitchen when she notices Lexa is coming after her. It's a good thing Roa was practically immune to the rowdiness and could sleep through prettty much anything or else their horsing around would have woken her right up.

* * *

By the time Clarke comes home an hour and a half later, Costia and Lexa are sticky, sweaty, and out of breath from laughing and running laps around the apartment chasing each other. As soon as Jake and Anya see them, they swiftly race inside to take part in the tomfoolery. Within seconds the house devolves into the usual amount of rambunctiousness and chaos, the one that both Clarke and Lexa have come to thrive off of.

* * *

_"No. No!"_  
  
Forty year old Anya squirmed away from the trio of tiny unruly beasts that was currently chasing her relentlessly around the living room.  
  
_"Lexa!"_  
  
Costia catches up to her only biological aunt, clings to her leg, and continues her attempt to tickle the tall woman’s fit shins. Nana and Jake join her mere seconds later.  
_  
_ _"Alexandria!"_  
  
Anya groans as she looks down at the three youngsters giggling and screaming unintelligibly over each other while trying to knock her off her feet.  
  
Lexa walks out to the living room in a fitted, two toned suit. The jacket itself is a matte light to medium gray while the lapels are a gray dark enough to be confused for black in the right light. The suit is paired with an ivory white shirt that had small gray dots coming together to form a subtle and classy pattern. The outfit was rounded off with a bowtie that was the same tone as the lapels and a red pocket square for a pop of color. Lexa’s shoes were gray suede, cap toed, and quarter brogued Chukka boots. The top half of Lexa's hair is braided intricately while the rest is loose, wavy, and draping with ease over her right shoulder.  
  
Lexa is having a serious conversation with the babbling infant she's carrying in her arms but as she walks into the living room she looks up to take in the scene before her. Lexa's eyes lock with Anya's.  
  
_"I take it back. I can't do this."_  
  
Lexa laughs at the look of exasperation on Anya's face.  
  
_"You're the only one who can watch them tonight. You weren't our first call. Trust me."_  
  
Anya would never be their top babysitting choice or even be one of their first ten back ups, but tonight they had no other option. It's not that they didn't trust Anya with the children, they just knew she was going to hate every second of having to watch them and they spared her from that as often as they could. Anya loved Lexa's kids. She adored them...from a distance and in minimal bouts of time. Anya's tolerance for screaming was damn near nonexistent and when you put four young children between the ages of two and eight in a room, hollering is all but guaranteed. That kind of excitement simply wasn't something Anya was built to withstand.  
  
The kids now cling to Anya's waist and shake her trying to get her to fall down to the floor.  
  
_"Are you_ **sure** _she's too sick?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Susan has a fever. She can't be around them right now. Abby is on shift. Luke and Liana have a cold too so Octavia is stuck home with them and even if she wasn't she was supposed to join us tonight. Marcus and Raven are coming to the gala. We tried everyone else and no one can do it. You're it tonight."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I've never been alone with the four of them! Why are you trusting me with this? I don't do..."_ Anya looks down at the tots trying to figure out this to properly define them. _"This...human larvae."_ _  
_  
Anya pointed to the children.  
  
_"I trust you to keep them mostly intact until we come back."_ Anya frowns. _"It's just a few hours. It's not as bad as it seems. I promise."_ _  
_  
Lexa hands Roa to her already overwhelmed sister.  
  
_"I'm not changing diapers. That's where I draw the line. Jake traumatized me. Never again."_  
  
Lexa chuckles because Jake's diapers scarred pretty much everyone at least once.  
_  
_ _"I_ **just** _changed her to spare you. You should be fine. If not, Cos is a champ at diaper duty. She can help out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not touching a single diaper Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It's pee and poop. It won't kill you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It fucking might. I didn't have kids for a reason."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Language."_  
  
Clarke interjects while turning the corner from the hallway into the living room not giving Lexa a chance to scold her older sister herself.  
  
Clarke wears a full length, ivory white, satin dress. The gown has an A-line silhouette, neckline that plunges distractingly low, and an open back. Underneath the skirt she wears six inch red stilettos that match her lips and clank loudly against the floors with every step she takes.  
  
Nana giggles.  
  
_"She said a bad word!"_  
  
Anya looks down at her niece offended. Clarke walks up to Lexa without saying a word, braces her red clutch under her armpit, and brings her hands to Lexa's collar.  
  
_"Don't be a snitch."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We heard you."_  
  
Lexa points out to her sister. Clarke snickers while fixing Lexa's crooked tie. Anya looks up at Lexa.  
  
_"Besides the point."_ Anya addresses Nana again. _"I'm going to talk to someone to change your name if you keep snitching. Anyas aren't tattle tales."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I like my name!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Well don't be a rat then."_ _  
_ _  
_ Anya argues with her namesake.  
  
_"We have to go."_  
  
Clarke cuts in.  
  
_"Is everyone going to be good for Aunt A?"_  
  
Lexa asks the kids.  
  
_"Yes!!!"_  
  
The three eldest shriek in unison and Roa joins in after them not fully grasping what's happening but still trying to follow her siblings' lead. Anya's face scrunches at the loud sound. Lexa and Clarke laugh at Anya's over the top reaction.  
  
_"Tomorrow I'll give out rewards for whoever goes to bed on time and with the least amount of fussing tonight."_  
  
Lexa attempted to bribe them for her sister's sake.  
_  
_ _"What reward momma?!"_  
  
Jake inquired curiously.  
  
_"It's a surprise. You only get to find out if you're good."_  
  
Lexa kneels to be at the trio's eye level. The kids turn to look at her without letting go of Anya's legs.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
Lexa tells the threesome with a warm smile on her face. Jake is the first one to move from his aunt's legs to wrap his arms around Lexa. The girls immediately follow. Lexa stumbles back and falls on her butt while laughing.  
  
_"Ok. No."_ Clarke moves them away from Lexa and pulls her wife off the floor. _"You're not getting dirty before we leave."_ Clarke spins Lexa around to look at the back of her pants. _"It's like having another kid. I swear."_ _  
_  
Clarke dusts off Lexa's butt while rolling her eyes. Lexa laughs as she tries to defend herself from the accusation.  
  
_"They attacked me!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Sure. Ok."_  
  
When Clarke is done confirming that Lexa didn't ruin her pants, she kisses the face of each of the small humans looking at her from the floor.  
  
_"I don't want to hear a single complaint when we come back. Understood?"_  
  
They all nod before vocalizing their own way of agreement. Clarke moves on to the toddler in Anya's arms while Lexa takes her turn with the girls and Jake. She bends down to be closer to them and waves them closer.  
  
_"I'm going to let you in on a little secret."_ Lexa speaks in a hushed tone. _"You can't tell your aunt I told you though. Promise?"_ Costia, Nana, and Jake nod vigorously. _"The neck is the most ticklish part of her body."_ _  
_  
Lexa smiles and winks at them before they turn to look at each other and giggle. Lexa kisses the top of Jake's head and they proceed to do their secret handshake.  
  
_"I love you buddy."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you too."_  
  
Lexa moves on to Nana.  
  
_"To the moon."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And back."_  
  
Lexa kisses the top of Nana's head before focusing on Costia.  
  
_"Are you going to sleep snug?"_  
  
Lexa offers the first part of their nightly saying.  
  
_"Like a bug in a rug!"_  
  
Costia replies excitedly.  
  
_"You better."_ Lexa kisses Costia's forehead and the little girl instantly wraps her arms around Lexa's neck. Lexa takes it as her chance to whisper into Costia's ear. _"You're the big sister and that means you look after them. Remember? Make sure they don't go too crazy. Ok?"_ _  
_  
Costia nods into Lexa's neck.  
  
_"Lex, come on. I just requested our car. It'll be here in three minutes."_  
  
Clarke moves towards the door expecting Lexa to follow. Costia kisses Lexa's cheek before letting go of her neck.  
  
_"Love you momma."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I love you too bunny."_  
  
Lexa hastily moves to the baby in Anya's arms covering her in quick and consecutive kisses. Lexa's youngest squeals in delight. Anya moves her head away trying to distance herself from the screaming. Lexa laughs at the helpless look on Anya's face.  
  
_"I can't believe you're leaving me alone with your DNA drippings. You owe me. So hard."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You'll be fine."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Car's a minute away Lexa. Move it."_  
  
Clarke calls from the door. Lexa kisses Roa one last time before turning and heading towards the door.  
  
_"I can't guarantee you're coming back to four kids and you can't blame me if you don't."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There better be four!"_  
  
Clarke responds all the way from the door.  
  
_"At least three and a half. I'll be fine with that."_  
  
Lexa quips with her sister and laughs one last time before turning the corner and disappearing. The front door closes a handful of seconds after.  
  
Anya looks at the little girl in her arms then down at the three sets of eyes looking up at her expectantly. She rolls her eyes, places Roa on the floor next to her siblings, and moves to the couch to sit. The kids all look at her.  
  
_"What? What am I supposed to do with you?"_  
  
The three eldest look at each other and without warning they rush to the couch and their hands instantly travel to Anya's neck where their tiny fingers begin to wriggle against her skin.  
  
_"NO!"_ Anya writhes as they best her. _"LEXA GET BACK HERE!"_

* * *

_"Are you going to help me find a hot lawyer to spend the night with or what?"_  
  
Raven, who wears a sexy little black number, prods Clarke as she takes a sip from one of the stiff drinks she had ordered for the both of them. They look at Lexa mingling with her peers from the safety of the bar.  
  
Lexa and Clarke had walked into the fancy hotel ballroom approximately fifteen minutes prior. Raven was already at the event when they arrived fashionably late. Clarke kept her friend company while Lexa moved through the room doing her rounds and greeting all the pertinent people.  
  
_"I don't know if Lexa would appreciate me hooking you up with one of her coworkers?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why would you drag me out to this snoozefest then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Because it's a fundraiser for a good cause."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Lame."_  
  
Raven chugs the remainder of her drink at once. She turns to the bartender and makes eye contact with him signaling two more.  
  
_"It's not going to be one of those nights."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You guys refuse to come out with me anymore because_ **‘kids’** _."_ Raven voice turns mocking and derogatory at the last word. _"I'm taking advantage of the fact that they're not here and we have access to a fully stocked open bar. Drink."_ _  
_  
Raven pushes Clarke's mostly full drink towards her.  
  
_"It's Lexa's work event. I can't get hammered."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok, well...we can at least get whatever is close to hammered. Drink!"_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes and knocks back her drink effortlessly.  
  
_"There she is! Clubber Clarke. Party Princess."_ Raven racks her brain trying to come up with the last of the three nicknames they had for Clarke during those first few months of freshman year before Lexa came around. _"What was the other one?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good Time Griffin."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes! Good Time Griffin. I fucking missed you!"_ _  
_ _  
_ Raven kisses Clarke forcefully on the cheek and Clarke cackles.  
  
_"I'm not getting drunk."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah. Whatever. Fine."_  
  
Raven dismisses the notion.  
  
The bartender places two more of the same drinks across from them. Raven promptly takes hers and slides the new one towards Clarke. She clinks it against Clarke’s in fake cheers and proceeds to finish her cocktail in one gulp. Raven raises her eyebrow and looks at Clarke.  
  
_"Oh come on! If you're going to force me to be around boring lawyers all night and not let me sleep with any of them then the least you could do is get drunk with me."_  
  
Clarke laughs once more and takes a reserved sip of her drink. Before she can reply to Raven, a gravely voice interrupts her.  
  
_"What are you girls drinking?"_  
  
Clarke turns to look at the bearded, six foot four, stylish gentleman trying to get the bartender's attention beside her.  
  
_"Sazeracs."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Never would've pegged someone as beautiful as you as a Rye girl. Impressive."_  
  
The man smiles flirtatiously, his eyes making no attempt to hide the fact that he's shamelessly scanning Clarke's body.

* * *

Lexa animatedly converses with Nick, Luciana, Madison, and a few District Attorneys from the other boroughs on the opposite side of the room.  
  
When they attend work or social events, Clarke and Lexa don't feel the need to be glued to each other's hips at all times. They’re not co-dependent, but when apart they do have the habit of sporadically checking in on each other even in a packed room. When Lexa naturally turns to see if Clarke is still at the bar with Raven, she notices they are currently engaged in conversation with an attractive man. Lexa doesn't need to have sex with men to recognize when one is strikingly handsome and this case isn't the exception. With the tailored suit, the fresh haircut, the lively eyes, and the sculpted body, Lexa has to admit that is one fine looking man. The gorgeous guy is apparently also funny because Clarke and Raven both have their heads hanging back in laughter.  
  
It's not a big deal. Not at all.  
  
Lexa convinces herself to focus back on the conversation she is currently a part of.  
  
_"Those numbers are crazy. You guys have the highest conviction rate of the entire city this year. By a lot."_  
  
One of the guys from the Queens office whose name Lexa hadn't really caught stated.  
  
_"Making the rest of us look bad."_  
  
His nerdy looking friend adds.  
  
_"A third of those convictions have been Lexa's."_  
  
Luciana clarifies.  
  
_"GW making us_ **all** _look bad."_  
  
Nick piles on and the group laughs jovially, but it all goes over Lexa's head.  
  
Lexa steals another glance at the bar only to notice that somehow the hunky guy's massive hand has found its way to Clarke's arm. The way his palm rests against Clarke's skin captures Lexa's full attention. Lexa's neck grows warm and suddenly her collar is too tight. She discreetly twists her head back and forth a few times trying to loosen it but that only seems to make it worse. Whatever the gentleman just said must have been insanely hilarious because Clarke is laughing... _yet again_.  
  
It's nothing. Lexa has absolute faith in her astonishingly stunning, lovely, and perfect wife. She has no reason to feel like this.  
  
_"Ey...GW."_  
  
Lexa whips her head back towards Nick and hums in acknowledgement.  
  
_"You okay?"_  
  
Lexa clears her throat.  
  
_"Good. I'm good."_  
  
Lexa takes a long sip of her drink. Her eyes can't help but immediately wander back to the bar. The burly man's hand has unexpectedly made its way to Clarke's waist and Lexa's feet are suddenly moving. Lexa doesn't even excuse herself from the group. All she can think of is that she needs to get to the bar.

* * *

Sometime between the spot where she was standing with her colleagues and arriving at the bar, Lexa has finished her glass of champagne. When Lexa reaches the crowded bar, she brusquely slips between Clarke and the man. In one swift motion she dislodges the man’s hand from Clarke's waist and places her glass on the counter. The man has no choice but to retract his hand back to his own personal space.  
  
_"Lex, hi. This is...."_  
  
Clarke greets Lexa warmly.  
  
Lexa is not one for public displays of affection, particularly not in front of her coworkers, but within a second her lips are on Clarke's. Clarke is taken aback for the first few instants, but quickly reciprocates. Given that Clarke has some whiskey in her, it’s no surprise when the kiss immediately deepens. It's not obscene, but it's undoubtedly not a chaste kiss.  
  
_"It's ok. They're married."_  
  
Raven clarifies noticing the confused look on the guy's face.  
  
_"Oh."_  
  
The man's expression sours.  
  
_"Yeah...grossly in love. Kids and everything."_  
  
Raven adds.  
  
Clarke pulls away and looks into Lexa's eyes. They scan each other's gazes and smirk. Without saying a word, Clarke pulls Lexa away from the bar and towards the back of the room where she noticed a poorly lit hallway earlier.  
  
_"See? Can't keep their hands off each other."_  
  
Raven drives the point further as Clarke and Lexa walk away.

* * *

Clarke drags Lexa into the dark corridor. Once they're far enough from the crowd, Clarke rotates them and pins Lexa against the wall.  
  
_"You're cute when you're jealous."_  
  
Clarke manages to mumble in between kisses.  
  
_"Not jealous."_  
  
Lexa does her best to retort even though her mouth is otherwise occupied. Clarke backs away and raises her eyebrow quizzically.  
  
_"What do you call that little show then?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Felt like kissing_ **my** _wife."_ _  
_  
Lexa states mildly possessive and chases Clarke's lips.  
  
_"Uhum. Sure."_  
  
Clarke's hands begin to wander and they hastily untuck Lexa's shirt from her pants. Lexa grabs her wrists and stops her.  
  
_"Every district attorney in New England is right around that corner."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"And? All that means is that I have to be quick and you have to be quiet."_  
  
Clarke shakes her hand loose and continues her ministrations. Lexa stops her once again.  
  
_"Clarke...not here."_  
  
Clarke composes herself and nonchalantly backs away.  
  
_"Great. I'll go back to talking to my friend at the bar. He was interesting."_  
  
Without an ounce of hesitation Clarke spins and takes a few steps away from Lexa, leaving her wife leaning against the wall. Clarke hasn't walked five feet when Lexa's hand wraps her wrist and spins her around.  
  
Lexa pushes Clarke against the wall and places the hand she's got a firm grip on against the waistband of her pants.  
  
_"You be quick and I'll be quiet."_  
  
Clarke's smirk grows. Her hand deftly unbuttons Lexa's pants before slipping into her wife's boxers and exploring. Lexa's forehead smacks against Clarke's shoulder the moment Clarke's fingers easily slide inside her.  
  
_"That's what I thought."_  
  
Clarke's voice drips cockyness.  
  
_"Shut up."_  
  
Lexa manages to half moan and half groan as Clarke’s fingers begins to move.

* * *

It takes less than ten minutes for a smug Clarke to strut back into the main room. A flushed and moderately disheveled Lexa emerges from the dark hallway a few instants later after doing her best to compose herself.

* * *

Clarke and Raven stand in front of the large mirror in the upscale bathroom. Clarke's clutch rests on the counter, open, and with the contents spilling on it. She's carefully reapplying her lipstick. Raven stands behind her looking slightly annoyed.  
  
_"I can't believe you left me alone to go fuck her."_ Clarke makes a stern face and looks at her friend through the mirror silently indicating Raven should keep her voice down in order to prevent everyone else in the bathroom from finding out about Clarke and Lexa's indiscretion. _"You do that every day. Tonight was supposed to be fun for_ **us** _."_  
  
Raven grits through her teeth.  
  
_"I was gone for like ten minutes."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yeah...well...still."_  
  
Raven huffs.  
  
_"We told you you could bring a date."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Why would I bring a date to a room full of lawyers?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Then find yourself one."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You told me not to!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I said_ **I** _wasn't hooking you up with any of the people I know. You're free to find one on your own though."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Has anyone told you you're the worst wingman ever?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Not really. No."_  
  
With her lips perfectly colored once again, Clarke turns to Raven and begins placing her things back into her purse.  
  
_"No kids! We're never having kids."_ Raven uses her mocking voice yet again. _"Remember when the three of us used to say that and then you both went and did the exact opposite?"_ _  
_  
Clarke chuckles, walks up to her best friend, and gives her a tight hug.  
  
_"Things changed, but we still love you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"‘_ **Things’** _were perfectly fine before you two went and popped out savages that scream non stop. If it's not broken don't fix it."_  
  
Raven gripes and Clarke snickers before backing away.  
_  
_ _"I'll talk with O. Once Lukas and Liana are better, we'll plan something. Just the three of us. No kids, no Linc, or Lexa. Deal?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm holding you to that."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We should go back."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"...to the bar."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Rae."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You're such a downer lately. Come on."_  
  
Raven yanks Clarke by the hand and out of the bathroom.

* * *

Within seconds Clarke and Raven have returned to standing by the bar where Raven has ordered them two more drinks. They're chit chatting about some college story when Clarke's eyes begin to roam the room trying to find Lexa.  
  
Clarke searches for about a minute to no avail. Then Clarke spots her. Lexa is sitting at one of the tables by the far wall and she's not alone. A stunning African American woman with sublime features sits next to her. The woman wears a skin tight gray dress that could have very well been picked to match Lexa's suit. From where Clarke stood, Lexa and the woman looked amazing together. They seemed like a couple. They certainly had the sense of easy familiarity to them.  
  
The woman is holding her hair up and Lexa is inspecting the back of her neck. Lexa points something out and without any hesitation the woman pushes her chair back and moves close enough that from Clarke's vantage point it seems like she is sitting on Lexa's lap even though she isn't. Lexa casually moves to fix the latch on the woman’s beautiful necklace.  
  
Clarke's brow is knotted and her mouth is slightly agape. Raven, confused by the look on her best friend's face, turns to try and find what she's looking at. When Raven comes across it she sucks air in sharply because she knows Clarke and she is positive she's sure of what Clarke is thinking.  
  
_"Oh."_  
  
_"Do you see that?"_

Clarke speaks through gritted teeth.  _  
_ _  
_ _"My eyes work just as well as yours so yeah."_  
  
The woman turns to look at Lexa over her shoulder and speaks with a cheeky smile on her face. They both laugh with a sense of intimacy that is unsettling to Clarke.  
  
_"She.is.sitting.on.my.wife's.lap."_  
  
Clarke punctuates every word with mounting disbelief.

 _"I know. We already established I'm looking at the same thing. You wife is also helping her adjust her necklace so before you go on a murder spree in the middle of Lexa's work party GI Jane, relax. It's nothing."_  
  
Ignoring Raven's words, Clarke drinks the remainder of her nearly full drink at once and stomps over to the table without ever taking her eyes off them. Raven rolls her eyes but follows Clarke anyway because no way in hell is she missing whatever is about to go down. This may very well end up being the highlight of her night.  
  
Clarke reminds herself to keep it cool during the entire walk over to the table. She has every intention to. She even paints on the the fakest smile on her face. Clarke truly meant to be non-confrontational about this until the woman makes Lexa laugh again and in the midst of laughing somehow her hand ends up on Lexa's knee. That's the moment when Clarke starts plotting murder.  
  
Clarke arrives at the table and before they have a chance to process or acknowledge she's there, Clarke's hand extends and ends up millimeters away from the woman's face.  
  
_"I don't believe we've met. Clarke Griffin-Woods."_ Lexa and the woman look up at her. Clarke drives her point further. _"Lexa's wife."_  
  
Raven joins the trio and silently stands next to Clarke.  
  
_"Oh, hey Clarke. This is Laura Harris. She is the new ADA I told you about, the Seattle transfer."_  
  
Clarke's murder plot intensifies.  
  
_"This is the girl you've been talking about for weeks?"_ Clarke's phony smile grows when Lexa nods. _"It's great to finally put a face to the name."_  
  
Clarke adds in her most explicitly contrived tone.  
  
_"You've been talking about me for weeks?"_  
  
Laura playfully touches Lexa's tricep. Raven swiftly wraps her arm around Clarke and squeezes her waist to make sure her best friend doesn't fly over the table and kill this woman in a room full of every District Attorney in the state of New York. Laura turns to look at Clarke and returns her feigned smile. Two can play that game.  
  
_"Nice to meet you Clarke. I've heard all about you and the kids. Lexa can never say enough."_ _  
__  
__"I'm sure she can't."_  
  
Raven can feel the palpable tension between these two women. It is unmistakably evident they already don't like each other. At least it would be evident for everyone except for one person: Lexa. Lexa is watching them interact completely   _C L U E L E S S_  as to what is really going on. It tended to irritate Clarke how oblivious Lexa could be about social or personal cues and this was not the exception. Clarke's eye is two seconds away from twitching in anger because this woman is still touching **her wife** , but judging by the look on Lexa’s face Clarke is positive she somehow believes they're getting along great.  
  
_"By the way, I owe pretty much everything to Lexa."_ Laura continues, sipping champagne, and staring at Clarke with her disingenuous smile. _"She's been fantastic at helping me adjust after the transfer. Who knew the scariest ADA in the whole state could be such a sweetheart?"_ _  
_  
Laura laughs and nudges Lexa on the shoulder. Lexa laughs along with her. By this point, Clarke is nothing short of ready to choke this stranger with her own necklace.  
  
_"I_ **for sure** _did."_  
  
Clarke's cattiness isn't lost on two of the three people witnessing this interaction. Before things can get out of hand Raven intervenes.  
  
_"Clarke. Do you want to come with me to the bathroom?"_ _  
__  
__"We were just in the bathroom."_  
  
Clarke doesn't take her eyes off Laura.  
  
_"Small bladder. Come on."_  
  
Raven pulls a reluctant Clarke away from the table. They stop to talk a few feet away.  
  
_"It's nothing."_

Raven states simply and plainly. _  
_ _  
_ _"It sure as hell looks like something."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Come on, Clarke. It's Lexa. As if she could."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Look at them."_  
  
Clarke turns to face the table. Lexa had apparently taken a bite of one of the sampling of hors d'oeuvre that was on the plate across from her and some crumbs ended up on the corner of her mouth. Laura brings her hand to Lexa's face and delicately dusts them off with a smile.  
  
That was one step too far and Clarke has reached her limit. She tramples to the table where Lexa and Laura sat.  
  
_"Lexa..."_  
  
Lexa and Laura look up at her. A little smile creeps up on Laura's face because she is more than aware of what pushed Clarke to this point.  
  
_"Can I talk to you for a second?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Everything ok?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yup. Can you just..."_  
  
Clarke jerks Lexa, forcing her to stand from the table. Lexa looks at Laura confused.  
  
_"We'll be right back."_  
  
Clarke drags Lexa behind her as they make their way across the room.  
  
_"Clarke."_ They keep walking. _"Clarke? What is going on?"_ When they've crossed most of the length of the space and are almost on the opposite side, Lexa attempts to reel Clarke back. _"Clarke. What is happening?"_ _  
_  
Clarke finally stops and turns to Lexa.  
  
_"What was that?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"What was what?"_

Lexa asks genuinely confused.  
  
_"_ ** _That._** _"_  
  
Clarke points in the direction of the table where Laura still sits looking at them from afar.  
  
_"What do you mean?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The flirting and the touching with your new...friend over there."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Flirting? Clarke...babe. She's my coworker."_  
  
Lexa tells her almost dismissive.  
  
_"Right. Coworkers flirting with each other is completely unheard of. I'm sorry."_  
  
Clarke retorts, her words dripping with sarcasm.  
  
_"Clarke...there was no flirting."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Oh, there_ **was** _flirting Lexa."_  
  
Lexa examines Clarke's face and notices the flush of her cheeks.  
  
_"How much have you had to drink?"_  
  
Clarke nearly slays Lexa with her eyes.  
  
_"I am_ **not** _drunk Lexa."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I didn't say you were."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Don't lawyer me. You implied it."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"It was a simple question."_  
  
_"A loaded one. I'm not drunk. Raven saw it too. You two were flirting."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Raven lives to egg you on, Clarke. Can you trust me when I tell you I wasn't flirting with her?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Maybe you weren't, but she definitely was flirting with you and how you can't see that is fucking insane."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"She's my coworker."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Stop saying that! I'm aware. That still doesn't mean she wasn't all over you."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Ok. You're being difficult."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I'm not being difficult. I'm telling you what I saw."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I was there too and I'm telling you what you think you saw was wrong."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I want to go home."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"The auction hasn't even started."_  
  
_"You can stay then. I'm leaving."_  
  
Clarke storms off towards the entrance. Lexa stays put not knowing what to do. She is cognizant that if she doesn't go after Clarke she's going to be in the dog house for weeks, but she can't just leave. The event hasn't even actually began yet and it's important for her to be there networking. Ultimately, Lexa opts to go to the bar and get another drink. She'll have to deal with Clarke's bullheadedness later.

* * *

Lexa comes across Strand at the bar.  
  
_"You and the misses get into it?"_  
  
Strand nods his head towards the direction Clarke and Lexa were just standing at before taking a sip of his gin.  
  
_"I don't know. My wife is stubborn sometimes. She's got it in her head the Laura and I were flirting."_  
  
Strand raises his eyebrow, tilts his head, and gives Lexa _A Look_ before going in for another taste of his drink.  
  
_"What does that mean?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Come on, GW. She's been so open about it since the moment you guys met."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Laura? What?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"You can't tell me you haven't noticed."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"We don't flirt."_  
  
Right at that moment, Ofelia is walking up to the bar with her boyfriend.  
  
_"Salazar, we need your input. Do GW and Harris flirt?"_  
  
Ofelia scoffs and chuckles.  
  
_"All the time."_  
  
Lexa groans.  
  
_"We do not. I...we..._ **fuck** _."_  
  
Strand laughs.  
  
_"If I were you I'd go home to find your wife and apologize for being wrong."_  
  
In that moment Lexa decides to do exactly that.

* * *

Lexa goes back to the table where Laura is deep in conversation with a woman she recognizes from the Jersey DA's office. Lexa grabs her blazer without interrupting them and walks away. A few seconds later Lexa feels a hand on her arm. She turns to find Laura.  
  
_"You’re leaving?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Yes. Uh...Clarke isn't feeling well so we're going to head out."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I see."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Good night Laura."_  
  
Lexa is cold and uncharacteristically distant with Laura. Lexa pivots her body with the intent to leave, but Laura gets a hold of her again and spins her right before leaning in and giving Lexa a kiss on the cheek that very purposefully lands half on her lips. Lexa is caught off guard but instantly moves away.  
  
_"Laura..."_ They stand looking at each other in silence while Lexa finds the right words. _"Im married. Happily so. I would never do anything to risk my family."_ _  
_  
Laura takes a step closer in an attempt to distract Lexa from what she's saying. Her hand comes to Lexa's shoulder.  
  
_"We don't..."_  
  
Lexa takes another step back, putting clear distance between them, and allowing Laura's hand to fall from her shoulder.  
  
_"I apologize if you got the wrong impression. I consider you a great colleague but nothing more. I hope you can understand that."_  
  
Laura's demeanour changes. She's evidently angry. She swivels on her heels and heads to the table without saying a word.  
  
_"Fuck."_  
  
Lexa mutters to herself before heading out and rushing home.

* * *

When Lexa walks into their bedroom thirty minutes later, she finds Clarke in their en suite wearing nothing but one of her sleep t-shirts and washing the makeup off her face.  
  
_"What? You got tired of hitting on other women this early?"_  
  
Lexa sighs. She's screwed and she's quite conscious of it. She also knows that if she doesn't say the right thing she's going to be in trouble for days.  
  
_"It wasn't intentional."_ _  
__  
__"Looked pretty intentional to me."_  
  
Clarke tells her dryly.  
  
_"Clarke..."_  
  
_"I would never do that to you. I would never look at anyone the way you were looking at her."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke. I swear whatever you saw, it wasn't what it looked like. I'm not attracted to her. I'm not attracted to anyone but you."_ _  
__  
__"How can you not be attracted to her? She looks exactly like Costia."_  
  
Lexa's blood runs cold at the accusation because she is clued into which Costia her wife is talking about and it isn't their daughter.  
  
_"Cos...what?"_ _  
__  
__"Please, Lexa. It all makes sense now. Why you volunteered to show her the ropes. Why you've been spending so much time together. Why you talk about her._ **All. The. Time.** _"_ _  
__  
__"Costia has nothing to do with this."_  
  
Lexa tells her firmly in hopes that this particular topic will cease.  
  
_"Costia has everything to do with this."_  
  
Clarke states acrimoniously. The tone rubs Lexa the wrong way. Now they're both angry. Clarke pivots and looks at her wife defiantly.  
  
_"That's what your future was supposed to look like. That's who you were supposed to be taking to events and having kids with."_ _  
__  
__"Stop."_ _  
__  
__"If she hadn't died, you know we wouldn't be here. I saw what you wanted your life to be like tonight."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa does her best to deflect in order to not be forced to say what's on her mind because it's only going to escalate things if she does, but Clarke keeps pushing her.  
  
_"Tell me you would pick me over Costia. If she was here right now, tell me you would pick me."_  
  
Lexa doesn't hold back now.  
  
_"Stop saying her name. She's not a pawn you can use to get back at me. She was a fucking person Clarke! I unintentionally hurt you tonight. I can see that now and I'm apologizing for it, but don't fucking use Costia as argument fodder ever again. Are we clear?"_ _  
_  
Lexa demands firmly, in a way she never has asked of Clarke before this moment.  
  
_"You can't even answer the question, can you?"_  
  
Lexa adds nothing. Clarke, never knowing when to back down, keeps pressing it.  
  
_"Would you pick me? Would you pick us? Would you pick this life? Our kids?"_  
  
Silence from Lexa.  
  
_"Would you trade us to have her back?"_ _  
__  
__"I..."_ _  
__  
__"That's what I thought."_  
  
Clarke is not insecure. She never has been, but there is one thing that has always felt like her weak spot and it's Lexa's relationship with Costia. It took Clarke a year and eight months to get Lexa to truly open up to her about Costia. They'd talked about her before that point, but the first night she got the full story was twenty months into their relationship when they already knew beyond a shred of doubt that they had a future together and Lexa had no choice but to begrudgingly disclose everything. Her story with Costia is a part of herself that Lexa protects. It's a door she keeps tightly closed because opening it hurts more than Lexa could put into words, but Clarke swung that hatch wide open tonight and it's all flooding out.  
  
_"I asked you to stop."_ _  
__  
__"And I asked you to answer a question. Seems like neither of us is getting what we want out of this conversation."_ _  
__  
__"What do you want me to say? What are you trying to get out of this? I don't understand why bringing Costia into this was relevant. It isn't."_ _  
__  
__"The fact that you refuse to answer the question or look me in the eye right now means it is quite relevant. Just answer the damn question."_  
  
Lexa remains silent.  
  
_"Wow. Who knew that the easiest way to disarm the best lawyer in the city was to bring up her dead ex."_  
  
Lexa's eyes shoot up and meet Clarke's for the first time since Costia was brought up.  
  
_"Don't talk about her like that."_ _  
__  
__"She's dead and she's your ex. What part of what I said was wrong?"_  
  
Lexa walks right up to Clarke leaving an infinitesimal amount of space between them.  
  
_"Stop. Stop this."_ _  
__  
__"Why is she off limits? Why is it that you can never talk about her? I thought naming Costia after her would make this go away. I thought it would help, but you're holding on to her just as tightly as you were when I met you fourteen years ago."_  
  
Clarke pauses for a second and something dawns on her.  
  
_"Oh my god. You still love her."_  
  
Clarke stares at Lexa waiting for her to deny it. Waiting for her to say something. Call her crazy or drunk or difficult. Anything. But it doesn't come. There's just silence and for the first time in a while Clarke feels sad tears forming in her eyes.  
  
_"Oh my god."_ Clarke drops the make up remover she was holding on the counter.  _"Oh my fucking god. You're still in love with her."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke."_  
  
Lexa pleads. She is begging Clarke to drop this. Clarke shoves Lexa. Hard.  
  
_"You can't even fucking deny it. Can you?"_ _  
__  
__"It's not like that."_ _  
__  
__"It's not like what?! Explain what it isn't like to me Lexa because I'm tired of competing with a ghost. I'm tired of knowing there's a part of you that will never belong to me because you refuse to let it go. I've given you_ **everything** _since the first day, but I've never gotten the same in return so_ **please** _...explain it to me because I'm not doing it anymore."_ _  
__  
__"She's dead."_  
  
_"Exactly! She's dead Lexa. She's been dead for years but you're clinging to her almost like you're still hoping she's going walk through the door one day. She isn't coming back. She's fucking dead."_  
  
Lexa doesn't do this, particularly not at Clarke, but she finds herself screaming.  
  
_"I know! I know she's dead Clarke. I was in that car too! I made it but she didn't. She deserved to live much more than I did but she's dead and I'm not.”_ Lexa takes a calming breath and restrains herself bringing her voice back to normal volume. _“And yes, I love her. I'm always going to. I went out and I bought a cheap ring that probably wasn’t even gold and carried it around for weeks waiting for the perfect time to give it to her. We were too young to get married, but I wanted her to know that when it was time she was the person I wanted to spend my life with and then she was gone. I never told her those things. Yes, she was the person I wanted to take to parties and start a family with. Yes, I still think about her sometimes and wonder how the world would be a better place if she was in it. And I felt that way for years. There was this..."_ Lexa searches for the right word to describe it.  _"...void._ _I never thought I'd experience the things I did when Costia was alive again but then I met you. Clarke, I wish Costia was alive more than anything. I would do whatever anyone asked of me if I could make that that happen. I would do anything...except give you up. I thought I knew what my future looked like, but I had_ **no** _idea. You are my future. You are what I want. Those kids, the family we've made...that's what I need. Yes, I love Costia. That will never stop because loving her was what got me ready to love you. I love her, Clarke. I love her and I thank her for so much, but I'm not_ **in love** _with her. Not anymore. I never loved her the way I love you. Even when you're being stubborn and difficult and absolutely ridiculous. Yes, I wish Costia was alive but only so she could meet you.”_ Lexa pauses and her demeanors softens. _“She would love you and she would be so proud of me for not screwing it up for this long."_  
  
Lexa couldn't pinpoint when it started, but she finds herself crying. She backs away from Clarke and rests her body against the bathroom counter.  
  
_"Lex...I'm so-"_  
  
Lexa cuts her off.  
  
_"No. Hold on. Let me finish. I don't talk about her because I can't think of her without remembering that afternoon. It all comes back. She was...w_ _ho dies of heart failure at sixteen?"_ Lexa scoffs incredulously.  _"We were driving to the beach. We wanted to see the sunset so we took her car. We were singing and laughing. Everything was fine. Then out of nowhere her face changed. They said she was dead before impact. Her heart just...stopped and she died. I should've offered to drive. Maybe I could've pulled over and gotten help, but I didn't. She lost control and the car flipped. It should've killed me too but I wasn't injured at all. The only thing that happened to me was that I blacked out. By the time I came to she was gone. I was trapped in that car with her body for hours until they were able to get me out. She looked like she was asleep, she looked peaceful, but at the same time it was clear that she wasn't. I don’t think I told her I loved her that day and she died. What if she didn't know? What if she had no idea?"_ Lexa pauses to collect herself and her voice drops in volume significantly, leaving her speaking barely above a whisper. _"I hate talking about her because I can't help but go back to that day. It hurts to remember her and it almost feels as if I become a different person when I do. Thinking about her weighs me down. The last thing I want to do is be that person around you or the kids."_  
  
Lexa finds Clarke's eyes and Clarke can read the sincerity in them.  
  
_"You're allowed to be sad Lexa."_ _  
__  
__"I know. I know, but I was sad for so long before I met you, Clarke. Being sad was all I did. I don't want that anymore. It's not fair to you or our family."_  
  
Clarke walks towards Lexa and touches her for the first time since their argument at the gala.  
  
_"I'm sorry. I..."_ _  
__  
__"No. No. Me not talking about this has obviously upset you. That is the last thing I ever wanted. I thought pretending it wasn't there would protect you, but it seems like it was the opposite."_  
  
Clarke cups Lexa's face.  
  
_"Lex, I don't need protecting. Especially not from you or the things that go on inside your head."_ _  
__  
__"I know you don't need protecting Clarke. Doesn't mean I won't try to do it anyway."_ _  
__  
__"That's because you're a dumbass."_  
  
Clarke cracks a smile and rests her forehead against Lexa's.  
  
_"I am. A huge one apparently."_ _  
__  
__"I'm sorry. I said things I shouldn't have. I saw you with her and..."_ _  
__  
__"Shhh...it's okay."_ Clarke dries Lexa's face with her thumbs. _"You don't need to apologize. Not to me."_ _  
_  
Clarke scans her eyes over every small detail of Lexa's face and takes them all in before she speaks.  
  
_"I do. The things I said..."_ _  
__  
__"It was what you were thinking. At least one of us can talk about feelings properly."_  
  
Lexa smiles faintly.  
  
_"You do just fine."_ _  
__  
__"Maybe not fine enough. I could do better. You actually thought I might be interested in someone else. Maybe I don't tell you how much you mean to me as often as I should."_ _  
__  
__"You do. You tell me and show me every day. I was...I was being stupid. I don't know what happened. I just...I thought I was losing you and that scared me."_  
  
Lexa gently leans in and kisses Clarke very briefly. Their lips barely touch.  
  
_"I'm not going anywhere."_  
  
Clarke smiles.  
  
_"Not even when I'm this crazy?"_ _  
__  
__"Nah. I've dealt with the pregnant, hormonal version of you four times now. That one is terrifying. This was nothing."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"God, how do you put up with me?"_ _  
__  
__"It doesn't take_ **that** _much of an effort."_ _  
__  
__"That much of an effort?"_ _  
__  
__"Yeah, only minimal effort."_ _  
__  
__"Good to know."_  
  
Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa and buries her face into Lexa's neck, breathing her in. Lexa does the same. They stand in each other's arms in the middle of the bathroom in silence until Clarke speaks into Lexa's skin.  
  
_"You know you can talk to me about her, right? You know I'd always listen?"_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Ok, good."_  
  
Clarke ghosts her lips over Lexa's neck and kisses it.  
  
_"Can we go to bed now? I've been wanting to take that suit off since you put it on."_  
  
Clarke smiles into Lexa's skin. Lexa lets out a wet, earnest laugh and unwraps Clarke from her body. They look at each other and chuckle before Lexa holds Clarke's hand and walks them out of the bathroom and towards the bed.  
  
This isn't their first big fight or their last one, but somehow they always find their way back to happy. They repeatedly discover the way back to each other. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes two and half years...but they never fail to. Clarke and Lexa are always alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	30. November 22, 2039

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaack! :) 
> 
> I didn't write anything for a month and a half because the previous idea I had for the chapter was just not working out in my head. I was hopelessly stuck. Then suddenly on Tuesday afternoon I decided on a completely different angle for the chapter and it all clicked. Suddenly I managed to write 21.5k words in whatever free time I had between then and now (Friday morning). This is the longest published chapter by over 6k words. It's like 3-4 chapters in one so I'm definitely making up for the wait lol. Kinda glad the original idea I had didn't work out because now I think this works so much better. 
> 
> This chapter is as long as it is for various reasons. The first one being that the vast majority of the other chapters cover one day or even just a few hours whilst this one covers six entire days. The main reason it's lengthy though is because it's family heavy. For those of you who love the kiddos as much as I do, I think you'll enjoy this one quite a lot. If you're only in it for the Clexa and hate the OCs you will probably enjoy it less. There still *a lot* of Clexa and plenty of Clexa alone with each other, but there's probably just as much of the kids or of either Clarke or Lexa alone with one of the kids as well. 
> 
> We're now well over eleven years removed from Jake's death and six years further than the oldest we had ever seen them. They're all different people at very different places in their lives. I wanted to take the time to dive into each of these characters and truly explore them. This chapter is all about who they are as adult individuals, as a family, and to/with each other. We'll definitely see what this loss did to them in the long term. 
> 
> There are five songs that play a big role in the chapter. I've put the links to them on the playlist BUT I have one request: don't play them while you're reading the scenes for the first time. You can listen to the songs immediately after you see how they fit in the story, at the end of the scene they are a part of, or at the end of the entire chapter...I'll leave that part entirely up to you but please don't listen to them before. I want you to take the lyrics in first and then you can dive into what they actually sound like. In case you don't know what the Chapter By Chapter soundtrack link is, here you go: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/162513731680/clexa-family-au-music-part-22-in-these-two
> 
> "Saved" is a particularly topical one. I've always headcanoned Lennon & Maisy Stella as Costia and Roa so this video is SO VERY Costia. It also gives you a face for the new character introduced in this chapter. You'll know who once you watch it.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

** Tuesday November 22, 2039  
  
**

It's Thanksgiving week and the Manhattan District Attorney's office building is eerily quiet, something that Lexa is taking full advantage of. Just as Indra had promised, the moment Lexa was ready to come back to work she was welcomed with open arms and reinstated to her previously held position. Within days of talking to Indra, Lexa found herself being Manhattan’s First Assistant District Attorney once again. Lexa has not taken Indra’s considerations towards her for granted and ever since returning to work five and a half years ago she has been in prime prosecuting shape.

Lexa sits in her top floor office with her elbows resting on the dark oak desk and her hand tucked deep inside her hair. She reads through the piles of folders scattered across the large wooden surface and takes notes on her legal pad as necessary. She shifts her hand and a long, wavy strand of hair escapes the hold her fingers had on it obscuring her vision. Lexa huffs frustrated.    
  
Her frustration certainly stems from the intricacy of the case and the road blocks she's coming across in trying to prosecute it, but for the moment she'll pretend this is only about the unruly bit of rogue hair. At fifty years old, Lexa's mane has more than a few speckles of gray in it. The unfamiliar color has also brought forth a new - and unmanageable - texture to Lexa's hair, one that is even wilder and less cooperative than before. Lexa swats the hair away from her face, runs her hands through her tangled locks undoing knots as best she can, and leans her head back allowing it to hang freely. Her fingers adeptly move, seemingly with a mind of their own, and begin to braid her curly mop as she continues to read attentively.  
  
Little did Lexa know someone was watching from the doorway and brimming with amusement.  
  
Lexa completes a loose, messy braid and whacks it over her shoulder but never once taking her eyes off the document she was reading. A knock on her cracked office door is the thing that finally manages to break Lexa's concentration.

Lexa lifts her eyes from the array of papers in front of her and is taken aback by the twenty-two year old standing with a huge traveler's backpack still hung on her back. Lexa's face can't help but light up in a warm, effusive smile.  
  
_"Nana?"  
  
"Hi momma."_  
  
Anya smiles from the door and waves once.  
  
Lexa propels her chair away from the desk and rushes to the entryway, wrapping her daughter up in a firm hug. Anya immediately reciprocates and chuckles at the bewildered look she is certain her mother has painted on her face.  
  
_"You weren't supposed to get back until tomorrow! We had a whole thing planned!"_  
  
Lexa pulls back and places her hands at either side of her daughter's face.  
  
_"I was kind of over Beijing. Took an earlier flight. I had a feeling you would be here even though no one else is so this was my first stop."_  
  
Lexa wraps her arms around Anya yet again and nuzzles into her neck.  
  
Lexa hasn't seen her daughter in six months, not since Anya left to explore the world after her college graduation. Anya had an itch to live the things she had read about in her books. She wanted to meet people who would inspire her, who would make her grow. As a result of this burning desire, Anya packed the **one** bag she's still carrying, got on a plane, and left the city she had called home her entire life.  
  
Anya spent a month in every continent. She climbed mountains, rafted down rivers, saw art, ate food, broke two fingers, got food poisoning more than once, fell in love with a different soul in multiple cities, but more importantly she lived. Anya would not tell Clarke and Lexa this, but she wanted to go out there and do everything, to see all there was to see not only because she felt like she needed to but also because her brother would never be able to. Anya wanted to live fully for both her and for Jake.  
  
The day before she left each location she visited, Anya would go back to the favorite spot she discovered while there. She would sit with a pen and paper and she would write six letters. She would write a letter for her moms and one for each of her siblings, Jake included. She wrote letters on the dirt floor of packed markets, she wrote letters sitting at the edge of canyons, she wrote letters inside caves with only the light from her flashlight to guide her. She wrote about the things she saw and learned. She wrote about the things that reminded her of each of the most important people in her life.  
  
Anya shared with Costia the sounds in each country or region or village. She would often send her sister videos or drives with the standout samples of music she had come across. Anya did her best to remember every bit of folk or fantastical story she heard from the locals and friends she made along the way so she could recount them to Roa. She told Aden about the games children played, the cartoons they watched, the toys they entertained themselves with, and she sent him little gifts and samples when she could. Clarke's letters were all about the colors Anya saw. Anya would attach a picture of the favorite piece of art she'd come across and she would do her best to tell her mother all the things it evoked within her. Anya's letters to Lexa were not the same as the others though. They weren't meant to entertain or help visualize, their intention was to connect. Anya used Lexa's letters to express the things she wouldn't share with anyone else.  
  
Even after years of constant therapy, Lexa still had her fair share of emotional issues. There are just some scars that never go away. Anya picked up on most of them and the one she noticed most often was what Lexa would do if her feelings became too intense. If an emotion was too strong - whether positive and negative - Lexa would shun it, pretend it didn’t exist. She would push it aside because for some reason Lexa forced herself to stay within a certain emotive range. It was almost as if Lexa was afraid that being too happy or too sad would unravel something within her that she wasn't entirely sure she could handle so she kept anything too extreme at bay. Anya wanted Lexa to not be scared of her feelings anymore so she approached things differently in their correspondence. Anya would share with Lexa the extreme emotions she experienced in the hopes that she could show her mother it was perfectly okay to be terrified or joyful or angry. In an attempt to do this, Anya told Lexa of the time she feared for her safety during a night out gone wrong in Buenos Aires, she recounted the instant of bravery when she knew she had to kiss that stunning girl in Delhi, or the time she laughed so hard she actually peed her pants in front of twenty or so strangers she was sharing a hostel room with in Zagreb. Anya shared with her mother bits of herself and of her trip that she knew no one else would ever understand the importance of.  
  
In the first package they received after their daughter had been gone for a few weeks, Anya gave Clarke and Lexa specific instructions that no one was allowed to open any mail that wasn't addressed specifically to them and that included Jake. The things Anya wrote to her brother were for his eyes only just like every letter she wrote to each of them was as well. If that meant no one ever got to open Jake's letters, then so be it.  
  
_"Does your mom know you're here?"_  
  
Lexa leans back and scans her daughter's face. Anya certainly seems older, changed.  
  
_"She has no idea."_ Anya smiles. _"You look good momma."_  
  
Lexa grins at the compliment.  
  
_"You're not supposed to lie to me."_  
  
Anya leans her head back laughing.  
  
_"I'm not! You do. Promise."_  
  
_"No one looks good at fifty."_ Lexa pauses for a beat then continues. _"Except your mom. She'll definitely still be stunning."  
_  
Anya rolls her eyes.  
  
_"I'm sure she'd say the same for you."  
  
"Well we know where you got your lying genes from then."_  
  
They both laugh jovially. When the laughter naturally dies down, Anya scans Lexa's face and speaks.  
  
_"How are you?"  
  
"I'm good. Yeah...good."  
  
"Mom..."_  
  
Anya doubts the statement.  
  
_"I am!"_ Lexa switches on her maternal charm. _"I am. It's really busy around here and your brother's grades are the reason I'm getting gray hairs, but I'm good. He's so tall. Wait till you see him. He's grown more than a foot since you left."  
_  
_"He's nine."_  
  
Anya states and scans Lexa's eyes to see her reaction to those words.

Aden is nine. Nine is older than Jake ever got to be.  
  
Anya missed so much. She missed anniversaries, graduations, shows, and any of the other number of things she would have missed no matter when she took her trip, but most importantly she wasn't there for Aden's ninth birthday. Anya had done her best to push her trip back but she wouldn't have been able to see all the things she wanted to and make it back for Thanksgiving if she left any later than she did. Much to her displeasure, she ended up boarding a plane to Mexico ten days before Aden’s official birthday. They threw him an early party so she could _technically_ be there for his birthday, but it could never have compared to the real thing.  
  
_"He is."  
  
"How do you feel about that?"  
  
"You sound like Dr. Tsing. I thought your sister was the therapist."  
  
"I'm being serious. I worry."  
_  
_"I know. I know you do. You got that from your mom too."_ Lexa holds her daughter's stubborn gaze for a second before she speaks anew. _"He's nine. He's healthy. He's happy, and funny, and snarkier than your mom if he's in a mood."  
_  
_"Still not what I asked. You're just stating facts there mom."  
  
"Let's go home."_  
  
Lexa turns and starts to pack her things into her bag.  
  
_"You're deflecting."  
  
"It's my specialty."_  
  
Lexa smiles at her daughter and, for now, Anya lets it go.  
  
Within minutes the duo is out of the building and on their way to surprise the rest of the family.

* * *

Clarke, Aden, and Roa sit at the dining room table deep into a game of Clue.  
  
_"Mrs. Peacock, in the library, with the wrench."_  
  
Roa guesses assuming she is absolutely correct before Clarke proves her mostly wrong. Aden picks up the dice to roll them when they hear the front door open.  
  
_"We're in the dining room! They're about to lose. We'll deal you in next round."_ The forty seven year old blonde screams at whom she knows can't be anyone but her wife. When Clarke doesn't get a response she speaks once more. _"Don't drag snow into the house or you're the one who's going to dry the carpet."  
_  
When she still doesn't get anything back, Clarke turns her head to the doorway and waits for Lexa to appear.  
  
_"Hi."_  
  
Clarke beams when she sees Lexa's chill-induced rosy cheeks. The last thing Clarke expected though was to see Anya step out from behind Lexa. The room erupts in screams.  
  
_"Oh my god."  
  
"Nana!"_  
  
Clarke is on her feet the moment she sees Anya. The force with which her mother collides into her body causes Anya to take several steps back as she tries to maintain a steady balance. Aden and Roa are only a split second behind Clarke. Anya can't recover from that collision. The four of them fall to the floor immediately devolving into a cheerful bout of laughter.  
  
_"She just got home. Let's not break her."_  
  
Lexa jokes as she hovers above the mess of bodies that speaks unintelligibly over one another.  
  
_"What are you doing here? The flight information you sent us said tomorrow night."_  
  
Clarke's question breaks through Roa's rambling.  
  
_"It did. I changed it."  
  
"I can't believe you didn't tell me!"_  
  
Clarke turns to Lexa indignant.  
  
_"I didn't know! She showed up at the office about an hour ago. I was just as surprised as you are."  
  
"Oh baby."_  
  
Clarke hugs Anya again. The show of affection temporarily curtails the conversation and that's when they notice the sniffling.  
  
_"Hey..."_ Anya does her best to look down at Aden who is clinging to her side, his face buried into her rib cage. _"Adey...what's wrong?"  
_  
Anya rubs her hands up and down her little brother's back.  
  
Anya and Aden were close. After Costia left for college, Anya took the Big Sister job to heart and became acutely involved with Aden for the two years that preceded her high school graduation. When it came time to choose a university, Anya made the conscious decision to stay close to the family. Anya felt a certain sense of responsibility towards them that she didn't think she could fulfill from anywhere but New York. Because of this, Anya only applied to schools in the city and was ultimately accepted to every one she submitted to, but she chose to follow both her mothers' footsteps and attend New York University. Combining her passion for people, words, and images, Anya decided to double major in Anthropology  & Linguistics and Photography. With that selection, Anya showed just how much like both her mothers she truly was.  
  
Even when Anya navigated her life as a college student, sometimes it felt like she never left home. She came to dinner at least a couple times a week and even slept at the apartment some nights. While Costia couldn't wait to leave and remove herself from the family, Anya made an effort to stay an active part of it. This is why, while Costia was Roa's favorite sibling, Anya was Aden's top choice. Consequently, Aden felt Anya's absence during her travels more than anyone.  
  
_"Aden, did you miss Nana?"_ Clarke asks tenderly as she plants a kiss on his head and the little boy nods against Anya's chest. _"Are you happy she's back. Is that why you're crying?"  
_  
Aden nods again and sniffles loudly. Clarke nudges Roa indicating they should get up and Roa obliges. Once Roa and Clarke are off Anya, she somehow manages to shift herself up to a sitting position. Aden immediately seizes the opportunity and clings to his sister’s neck.  
  
_"I missed you too Adey."_ Anya whispers into his ear. _"So much."  
  
"Are you hungry?"  
_  
Clarke looks down at her daughter waiting for an answer. Both her and Aden reply simultaneously.  
  
_"Starving."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"We had lunch an hour ago Aden. The question obviously wasn't for you."_ Clarke admonishes him jokingly. Of course he's hungry. He always is. _"I'll make you something."  
  
"Thanks mom."  
  
"Can I have a burger?"  
_  
Aden looks up at his mom as he wipes his tear stained face with one of his hands.  
  
_"No. You're having whatever I'm making for your sister and what I'm doing is heating up lunch leftovers."_  
  
Aden groans as Clarke walks away. Anya pokes his soft and chunky stomach.  
  
_"We'll go out for burgers tomorrow. Just you and me. Okay?"_  
  
Aden's face lights up. He wraps his arms around his sister again except this time he's giggling not crying. If there's anything that can lift this boy’s spirits, it's the promise of food and right now he had at least two more guaranteed meals.  
  
_"I'm going to help your mom."_  
  
Lexa leaves her children sitting in the living room floor. Anya rubs Aden's head as she turns to her eighteen year old little sister.  
  
_"College looks good on you Ro. You have to tell me all about Chicago later...and about Justin."_  
  
Roa blushes at the mention of her boyfriend's name. It doesn't take them long to start gossiping about everything they've missed while they've been apart.

* * *

Lexa walks into the kitchen to find Clarke zooming around serving three plates of food.  
  
_"That one is yours."  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
"I'm sure you haven't eaten since this morning."  
  
"You don't need to fuss over me Clarke."_  
  
As Clarke moved between the fridge and the microwave, Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke's waist and pulls her close. She rests Clarke's back against her chest keeping her in place. Clarke looks over her shoulder up at Lexa who looks down at her. They smile.  
  
_"We haven't had all four of them together in the same room since last Christmas. That's almost a year."_  
  
Clarke states mildly frantic.  
  
_"I know."  
  
"Why are you so calm about this?"  
  
"Because we did it for eighteen years. Somehow I think we'll all survive."  
  
"I just want it to be perfect. Cos is bringing a boy home. That's big."_  
  
_"I know. It will be."_  
  
Clarke turns around to face Lexa. She leans up and molds her lips against her wife's. It's always the best remedy for her stress.  
  
_"Nana seems to be mostly intact. I'll have mom look her over later this week just to make sure."_  
  
Lexa cackles.  
  
_"You're ridiculous, you know that right?"  
  
"She does look a little skinny though. It might have been the food poisoning she got in Tokyo. She sounded awful. She should've come home. I knew it! We should've insis..."_  
  
Clarke begins to get flustered again and Lexa leans down cutting her off with her lips.  
  
_"Clarke, she's fine."  
  
"Right. She's fine."_  
  
Lexa shakes her head and smiles.  
  
_"When did you become the neurotic one in this marriage?"  
  
"When they decided to start living hours away and I can't personally make sure that they're okay. How dare they?"_  
  
The last sentence was understood to be a joke. They're both incredible proud of the women their daughters are turning out to be.  
  
_"We did a good job with them."_  
  
Clarke states out loud trying to appease herself more than anything.  
  
_"We did, didn't we?"  
  
"A therapist who makes music instead of having a practice, a linguist anthropologist who travels the world with her camera, a swimmer with an undeclared major, and...Aden."  
  
"Are our bets still on competitive eater?"  
  
"Going off his grades and his eating habits? Absolutely."_  
  
Clarke replies with certainty. They both laugh.  
  
_"We did good."_  
  
Clarke nods and places a kiss on Lexa's chest before unwrapping her wife's hands from around her waist and grabs two of the three plates.  
  
_"I have to feed them. Bring yours and the silverware."_  
  
Clarke leaves one plate behind. Lexa turns to grab forks, knives, and napkins from the drawer.  
  
_"Wouldn't want Nana to lose any more weight while she waits, would we?"_  
  
Clarke scrunches her face in response to Lexa's mocking.  
  
_"Move it, Woods."_  
  
Clarke orders, hovering at the door.  
  
_"Always so bossy, Griffin."  
  
"It's why you married me."  
  
"Yeah, yeah it is."_  
  
Lexa smiles and nods her head. Clarke disappears in the direction of the loud chattering coming from the living room. Lexa definitely missed this level of chaotic ruckus in the house.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa lay in bed in the comfortable and welcomed post orgasm haze. Clarke strokes Lexa's bare chest. Lexa takes a deep breath and breaks the silence.  
  
_"I don't think I should go to the airport."_  
  
Clarke looks up at Lexa confused.  
  
_"What? Why?"  
  
"She's bringing someone home. That's never happened before. We should at least give him a few minutes of normal before it all goes downhill."  
  
"I think Cos will be fine. She'll be on her best behavior with a boy here."_  
  
_"I don't want to scare him off."_  
  
Clarke smiles warmly at Lexa.  
  
_"You won't. He'll love you."  
  
"I want her to be happy. She deserves it."  
  
"Lexa...you should come. I think she'll want you there."_ Lexa scoffs in disagreement. _"I know her. She's just as stubborn as you are so she'd never ask, but I'm sure she would appreciate it."_  
  
Lexa does not have an answer for that. Instead she attempts to run her hand through her damp, sweaty hair and when she comes across an unbudging knot she sighs and retracts.  
  
_"What do you think she's told him about me?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe we should wait until they get here before we worry about it."_  
  
Lexa inhales loudly and remains completely silent. Clarke, sensing her frustration, pulls her closers and kisses her jawline.  
  
_"Do you want to talk about it?"_ Lexa shakes her head no. Clarke kisses her neck. _"Okay."_  
  
The room falls into a comfortable quietude for a long while before Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"We should go visit him while they're all here."_  
  
Lexa contemplates for a long beat.  
  
_"That would be nice."  
  
"He really loved Thanksgiving."  
  
"He did."_  
  
There is a long pause until Clarke musters the energy to speak anew.  
  
_"I wish we talked about him more. Feels like we don't enough sometimes."_  
  
Lexa nods, her mind racing with a confession she's been struggling to make.  
  
_"Aden's been asking me about him lately."  
  
"Yeah? About what?"  
  
"Little things. He doesn't really go deep. I think he's afraid he might upset me if he asks too many questions."  
  
"What does he ask about?"  
  
"We went to get some ice cream after practice last week and he asked what Jake's favorite ice cream was. I told him it was Cookie Dough and he ordered that. You know how much Aden hates the taste of Cookie Dough, but the entire time he pretended he loved it and ate the whole thing. When we went to get his costume last month he asked if I thought Jake would like what he picked. When we were buying your birthday gift he asked what Jake would've gotten you. It doesn't happen all the time, but I think he wants to ask more than he allows himself to. I can see it in his face sometimes, but he holds back."_  
  
Clarke looks up at Lexa.  
  
_"He's been asking me questions too. I didn't mention it because I did think it might upset you."_  
  
A low grumble escapes Lexa's throat.  
  
_"Why does everyone seem to assume I'm going to break if you bring him up? I can handle talking about Jake."_  
  
Lexa is suddenly irritated.  
  
_"I know. We know. Sometimes I...I worry."  
  
"Don't. At least not about this. I don't want to be excluded from conversations simply because you think they'll be difficult for me. I'm better now."  
  
"You are."_ Clarke lifts her body to hover over Lexa's. _"I know that you are. I probably don't tell you enough but I'm proud of how far you've come. I really am. It's because you've come so far that I'm afraid something we say or do will...I don't know. You're right. I'm sorry."  
  
"Clarke...I don't think I could ever go back to who I was then. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I don't think I could."  
  
"I know."_  
  
_"Not after seeing how badly I hurt everyone. Not after the things I put you through."_  
  
Clarke smiles weakly and brings their lips together.  
  
_"I know Lex."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"You don't need to keep apologizing. It was forever ago."  
  
"I do."_ Lexa stares at the dark ceiling for a lengthy moment. _"Please talk to me about him if you feel like it."  
  
"I will."  
_  
Clarke nuzzles into Lexa's chest and wraps her arms around Lexa's body as far as the mattress will allow her. They both know there's nothing else either of them can or should say that night.

* * *

Dawn is about to peak on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Lexa leans back on one of the plush armchairs that live by the floor to ceiling living room window with the enthralling view. She brings the book she holds up with one hand closer to her face and strokes the sleeping brindle and white Boston Terrier resting on her lap with her free hand. Suddenly a pair of arms wrap around Lexa's neck. The unexpected touch startles her but doesn't scare her because Lexa knows exactly who that is. Only one of her children is known to do that.  
  
_"Morning."_  
  
Roa kisses Lexa's head.  
  
_"Morning Ro."_ Lexa turns her head to look up at her daughter. _"Why are you up so early?"  
  
"Coach has us scheduled for 5 AM practice during the weekdays, remember? Used to it now I guess."_ Roa leans in to pet the dog on Lexa's lap. Sharkie opens one eye, recognizes the familiar face, and goes back to sleep. _"What are you reading?"_ Lexa turns her hand so Roa can see the cover. _"Oh yeah...nothing like some early morning Kierkegaard. You're such a nerd mom."_  
  
Roa mocks Lexa lovingly.  
  
_"My 'nerd' is paying for your college. Watch it."_  
  
Lexa replies in jest.  
  
_"I thought one of mom's paintings was."_  
  
Roa takes another jab at Lexa. Lexa knots her brow looking up at her trying to feign offense for as long as she can. Then her face softens.  
  
_"Ok, fair enough. Learn your lesson from me. Don't be a public servant."_  
  
They both chuckle and Roa squeezes Lexa's neck before letting go and walking around the chair. She gently nudges the unimpressed dog off Lexa's lap then takes its place. Lexa grunts.  
  
_"You're too big for that Ro."  
  
"Never."  
_  
Roa curls up into Lexa. Lexa puts her book down on the coffee table next to the chair and wraps her arms around her daughter.  
  
_"How's your writing class going?"  
  
"Eh..."_  
  
Roa shrugs unenthusiastically.  
  
_"Have you tried talking to your professor?"  
  
"Yeah. I've been to a couple of his office hours."  
  
"And..."_  
  
Roa shrugs again.  
  
_"I'm just frustrated with the class."  
  
"It's almost the end of the semester. Do you think you're going to pass?"  
  
"I don't know."_ Roa let's her answer linger and Lexa doesn't push her. _"I was hoping maybe you could help me go over some of the stuff while I was here."  
  
"Of course. Of course I will."  
  
"I really want to like this. I just don't know why I can't seem to get it."  
_  
_"My nerd and I will help you figure it out."_  
  
Roa chuckles heartily.  
  
_"I missed you mom."  
  
"I missed you too."_  
  
They both watch the sunrise and witness the morning be born in silence as the bright orange rays cut through the clouds and the skyline. Roa knows that everyone will be up soon, then Costia will arrive in a few hours, and the house will almost instantly devolve into madness. She decides to take advantage of the moment.  
  
_"How are you doing?"  
  
"Work is busy. We have a big murder case on the board. It's taking up a lot of my time."  
  
"Not work, mom. You. How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm good."  
  
"Honestly?"_  
  
Lexa kisses Roa's head.  
  
_"I'm the parent. It's my job to worry about you not the other way around."  
  
"Nope. It's a two-way thing. Answer the question."  
  
"I hate that all of you guys inherited every ounce of your mother's bossiness."  
  
"Still not an answer."  
  
"I'm doing good Ro. Honestly. I continue to see Dr. Tsing every other week. Your mom and I see her once a month. Nothing has changed."  
  
"Okay." _ They look out at the sky as birds swoop in and out and helicopters begin to fly by. _"I felt bad going so far, for leaving you guys. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I really wanted to go to Northwestern."  
  
"Hey, you never stop living your life because you're worried about me. You go wherever you feel like it. Understood?"_  
  
Roa nods against Lexa's chest.  
  
_"Did I mention I missed you?"_  
  
Lexa smiles and kisses the top of her head.  
_  
"You did. By the way, what is this thing about a boyfriend I keep hearing?"_  
  
Roa groans.  
_  
"No one in this family can keep a secret, can they?"_ Lexa shakes her head and smiles. Roa rolls her eyes. _"I didn't want you running background checks on him until I knew I actually wanted to keep him. It's why I didn't tell you."  
  
"And do you?"  
  
"Do I what?"  
  
"Want to keep him?"_  
  
Roa is not ready to admit how deep her feelings for this boy run and if she lets Lexa in on this, she's all but confirming it to both herself and the world so she plays her relationship down for the sake of avoiding the conversation during this trip.  
  
_"He's not too bad."  
  
"Can I at least run his license?"_  
  
Lexa jokes and Roa laughs. Roa jams her fingers into Lexa's chest and punctuates each of her words.  
  
_"No, mother. You can't."  
  
"How old is he?"  
  
"Freshman. Same as me."  
  
"Where did you guys meet?"  
  
"At a party."  
  
"Were there drugs or alcohol involved?"  
  
"Are you cross examining me?"_  
  
Roa looks up at Lexa.  
  
_"I'm curious. That's all."_  
  
_"It's college mom. It's a big school and people throw big parties. I would hope you trust me enough to not do anything stupid and that's all I'm going to say. I also know that if I did happen to find myself in a bad situation you'd be the first person I'd call even though I'd have to put up with a lecture of epic proportions afterward."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I promise if it ever gets serious enough I'll let you run his name through any database you want."  
  
"Thank you."_  
  
They both laugh. Lexa is about to continue the conversation when they hear someone approaching. Lexa feels lips against her skull and then sees blonde hair appear next to her doing the same against Roa's head.  
  
_"Is there room for one more up there?"  
  
"It's a pretty tight fit already, but hop on."_  
  
Roa moves as far onto the armrest as she can, leaving some room for Clarke. Somehow, Clarke manages to squeeze into the minuscule space. Lexa grunts at the added weight and strains herself to speak.  
_  
"For the record, this isn't comfortable at all."  
  
"Speak for yourself."_  
  
Clarke replies and she wiggles on her half of Lexa's lap trying to find the best spot.  
  
_"I am!"  
  
"Never thought I'd see you complain about having girls sitting on you."_  
  
Clarke speaks with clear double entendre.  
  
_"Ewww mom! Ewww. I'll never be old enough for those jokes."  
  
"I guess it's a good thing your memory is terrible because you walked in on me 'sitting' on your mom more than once."  
  
"CLARKE!"  
  
"MOM!"_  
  
Lexa and Roa retort in unison. Roa fake gags while she rolls her eyes.  
  
_"What am I missing out on?"_  
  
Anya asks from the doorway behind them.  
  
_"Trust me, you don't want to know."_  
  
Roa is quick to inform her sister.  
  
_"Oh, but I do!"_  
  
Anya practically jogs to the chair and plops herself on top of Roa and Clarke. Lexa audibly grunts from underneath all three of them.  
  
_"Not. Comfortable."_ The three women on top of Lexa giggle. _"You didn't lose as much weight as your mom thinks you did."  
_  
Lexa tries her best to shuffle underneath them in order to alleviate some of the pressure on her legs. Anya laughs and stands up.  
_  
"Fine. But only because I don't want to kill you on my first full day back."_  
  
With Anya's weight removed Lexa manages to shift further down the chair at least a couple of inches which somewhat helps the numbness of her legs.  
  
_"I appreciate it."_  
  
Anya sits on the edge of the center table looking at the three women piled onto the small chair.  
  
_"I promised Aden I'd take him out to eat today, but I totally forgot Cos was coming home. If it's okay with you guys I want to take him to breakfast since I'm sure mom has a full day planned for us once Cos gets here."  
  
"Sure. Just don't let him eat everything in sight. Please?"_  
  
Clarke begs and Anya laughs.  
  
_"I'll do my best. I'll go wake him up then."  
  
"Can I come?"_

Roa inquires evidently excited about the idea of spending time with her siblings. _  
  
"I told him it would just be the two of us, but I don't think he'd mind."  
  
"Cool! We should go to Lafayette."  
  
"I'm going to let him pick, but you can ask him if he wants to do that." _ Anya stands and begins to head back towards the bedrooms. _"I'm starving so start getting ready Ro."  
_  
Anya disappears down a corner and Roa stretches out her legs and arms. The shift in weight causes Lexa to grouse yet again. Roa rolls her eyes and finally stands up. Lexa immediately moves her leg around trying to get the blood to flow again.  
  
_"Do you need money?"_  
  
Clarke looks up at her daughter from the comfort of Lexa's arms.  
_  
"That would be awesome."  
  
"Ok. I'll transfer some to your account once I have my phone."_  
  
Roa bends down to kiss both of them.  
_  
"Thank you. Love you."_  
  
Roa has barely left the room when Clarke pulls Lexa down by the neck and kisses her.  
  
_"Morning."  
  
"Good morning Clarke."  
  
"Maybe if we're quick I can 'sit' on you before we have to leave for the airport."  
  
"I AM STILL WITHIN HEARING DISTANCE OH MY GOD GROSS!"_  
  
Roa screams from just around the corner. Both Lexa and Clarke guffaw. Lexa smiles down at Clarke as she speaks.  
  
_"You enjoy torturing them a little too much."  
  
"I kinda really do."  
  
"I missed having them home."  
  
"Yeah, me too."  
  
"Excited for Cos to get here?"_ Lexa shrugs. _"It will be fine. I'm sure."  
  
"We'll see about that."  
_  
Clarke brings her head back to Lexa's chest while Lexa runs her hand up and down her wife's back. They both look out at the amber clouds adorning the sky to the soundtrack of three of their children getting rowdy in the distance.

* * *

Costia stares out the circular airplane window at the reddish clouds tinted by the rising sun. Her left leg jumps up and down making her nerves impossible to conceal. A hand comes to rest on her knee forcing her leg to stop moving. The twenty four year old turns to find Ethan - African American, thirty one, and with a robust bone structure - looking back at her.  
  
_"I'm surprised you haven't brought the plane down with the bouncing yet."_ Costia gives Ethan her best fake smile. _"If you don't want to do this we can get off this plane and get on another one that takes us right back to LA the moment we land. I don't know how to cook a turkey, but my chicken nugget heating skills are world class."_  
  
Costia laughs and reviews his face attentively while shaking her head.  
  
_"Thank you. For coming I mean. I tried to get out of it but my mom wouldn't let me."  
  
"You should probably hold off on thanking me until you know whether they like me or not."  
  
"I don't care if they do. I like you. That's enough."_ Costia inhales and exhales deeply before resting her head on his shoulder and intertwining their fingers. _"What was I thinking? They're going to be obnoxious and overbearing. I'm sorry."_  
  
Ethan chuckles.  
  
_"You should've seen my family the first time I brought Sophie home. If I survived that I can make it through any family gathering you throw me into."_  
  
Costia's head darts up and she looks into Ethan's eyes.  
_  
"Can we not talk about her on this trip? Please. Especially because I still haven't told my mom you're married."  
  
"Separated."_  
  
Ethan is quick to correct Costia.  
  
_"Trust me, they won't see it like that."  
  
"Ok."_ Costia squeezes Ethan's hand and looks around the dark cabin filled with mostly sleeping people before her eyes land back on Ethan. _"I'm excited to meet them. Terrified, but also excited."  
  
"You've met Ro already and you've sorta met Nana so that shouldn't be too bad. They're great."  
  
"Yeah, I like them. Roa is really funny."  
  
"She is. We're bringing Aden a video game so I know he loves you already. He'll probably just want to play the entire time. My mom will be asking invasive questions and....yeah."_ Costia clearly skips over Lexa. _"Grandma and Grandpa will be wine drunk before dinner is even served. They'll start bickering which is entertaining to watch...most of the time. I forgot to ask if my aunts and cousins would be there. If they are, that's a whole other level of chaos. Aunt Octavia and Uncle Lincoln might not. They were there at Christmas and they usually alternate the big holidays between our family and his, but I don't know. I haven't talked to her in a bit. Aunt Raven is the best. I hope she's coming but she might not though. She hasn't spent too many holidays at our place since her and Aunt Anya split up. It wasn't pretty and it just gets awkward fast when they're in the same room. In hindsight it was a terrible idea to have my aunt on one side date my other mom's best friend. Like...truly awful idea."  
  
"Have I told you about my cousin who married his sister's ex husband?"  
  
"Ok, you win."  
_  
Ethan chuckles.  
  
_"Your family is not the only one with complicated baggage Cos. I can make it through a weekend with them."  
  
"Let's hope so."_

* * *

Costia and Ethan were only in town from Wednesday through Sunday and in order to skip the holiday crowds overflowing in the baggage claim areas, they decided that whatever couldn’t fit in their carry-on bags wasn’t necessary. As they didn't have to wait for any bags, the couple makes it from their gate to the meeting area at JFK in less than fifteen minutes.  
  
Costia inadvertently compresses and decompresses Ethan's hand with increasing intensity the closer they get to exiting the terminal. When they're a few feet away from the door that separates the hundreds of waiting families from the arriving travelers Costia feels herself being dragged out of the path, away from the sea of passengers behind them, and towards the wall. Ethan brings his hands to either side of Costia's face. She looks at him confused.  
  
_"We don't have to do this. I know you probably want to see your family but I can go back to LA. We can try this again in a few months or next year."_  
  
Costia leans in to kiss him.  
  
_"I'm not making you go back to LA. Don't be crazy."  
  
"You're two seconds away from a panic attack Cos."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"You're also a terrible liar."_ They stand in silence for a beat. _"We can both go back, I can go back, or we can go out there and see what your family can throw at us. Your call."  
  
"I love you, you're insane but I love you and I'm not sure if come Sunday you're still going to love me but I guess we should probably find out."_  
  
Costia pulls Ethan towards the door and they enter the crowded room full of expectant eyes trying to find whomever they're waiting for. Costia looks through the packed room as they step down the walkway and within seconds she spots the little blond boy towering over the crowd holding a sloppy sign that reads _"Welcome Home Big Sis!"_. Costia instantly beams when she sees the familiar faces around him until she comes to the person whose shoulders Aden is perched on. Lexa hasn’t seen her because her face is turned towards Anya while they exchange some words. Costia's stomach twists. Maybe this was a terrible idea after all.  
  
Costia had been avoiding coming home as much as she could get away with since leaving for college. She always had some brilliant excuse for why she couldn't make a birthday, anniversary, family vacation, or major holiday. Truth is, being away from Lexa was much easier than being around her and Costia had decided she would take the easy route whenever possible.

It wasn't just Lexa that made being back difficult though. Costia could put away a lot of her 'what ifs' outside of New York, but the moment she step foot back in this city and was around these people the endless questions promptly flooded her brain. What would Jake look like? He'd be twenty years old now so what would he be majoring in? Would he have actually gone to law school like he always said he wanted to or would he have tried baseball? Would he have a beard? What would his favorite song on the radio be? There's a mountain of questions that suffocate Costia when she sees her family or spends time in their house, Jake's house, and even ten years later Costia hasn't learned how to grapple with any of them.

Another thing that forces Costia to stay away is that every time she looks at Lexa she can't help but see pieces of her brother in her. Even now that she's much older, Lexa still carries so much of Jake. Whether it be the eyes or the mannerisms or the way they move through a room…the innumerable similarities continue to throw Costia off. That's why she stays away. Costia has removed herself from this life not because she doesn't miss her sisters, her aunts, cousins, friends, Clarke, or even Aden. Costia has made the conscious decision to stay away from New York for as long as she can, whenever she can because she still misses Jake just as much as she did a decade ago but for some reason everyone else appears to have gotten over it. Her family seems to have gotten over losing him and even though Costia has learned to hide it incredibly well, the idea of that stings.  
  
_"Momma, Cos!"_  
  
Aden wiggles on top of Lexa's shoulders and Lexa has to hold on to his legs extra firmly in order to make sure he won't topple over. The entire family looks in Costia's direction. Roa is the first one to break out into a full sprint.

Roa had not seen Costia since she went to spend a few weeks in Los Angeles over summer break. Understandably, when Roa reaches her sister, she practically knocks the wind out of Costia. Costia drops her bag on the floor and wraps her arms around Roa equally as tight.

 _"Hey Roro."  
  
"Hey sissy."_  
  
Within seconds the rest of the family is hovering around them. Ethan stands behind Costia watching the whole exchange unfold.  
  
Roa finally releases Costia and in instants Anya has her arms wrapped around her big sister.  
  
_"What up jet setter?"_ Costia greets her sister. _"Glad we're on the same side of the world again."  
_  
The hug breaks and they back away from each other. Their eyes meet and they smile. Anya immediately wraps Costia up in a tight embrace again.  
  
_"I missed you."  
  
"You too Nana."_  
  
After long seconds they separate yet again. This time Costia side steps her sister and heads towards Clarke with a dazzling smile.  
  
_"Hi mom."_  
  
Costia envelops Clarke with a firm squeeze and breathes her in.  
  
_"Hi baby. You look beautiful."_  
  
Costia chuckles at the compliment.  
  
_"We've been in airports for twelve hours so I know you're actually lying but I love you for it."_  
  
Clarke laughs as well and they end the hug. Without looking over, Costia raises her hand as far as it will go and Aden immediately high fives her with all his strength. Costia feigns pain.  
  
_"Ahhh...you almost broke my arm dude! You're getting too strong for me."_ Aden flexes his nonexistent muscles _. "Look at those guns mom! I'm glad you have him around to protect you."  
  
"I do. I protect them."  
_  
They all laugh at how serious Aden suddenly became. He takes his role of protector to heart.  
  
_"That's right. You're the man of the house. I left you in charge, remember?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"We have to do something about that hair though. You need a haircut."  
  
"I'm picking my battles with him and that's one I know I'm not winning so I've let it go."_  
  
Clarke adds with slight dejection in her voice.  
  
_"No. He has a mullet again mom. It can't stay."_  
  
Clarke shrugs.  
  
_"He will not let anyone come near his head with clippers or scissors and for some reason the back always grows way faster than the front. I've learned to live with it."  
  
"Nu uh. You and me...we'll go get haircuts this weekend. Okay? I refuse to walk around with you next to me flaunting that thing. We'll get ice cream after."_  
  
Aden shrugs.  
  
_"Okay."  
  
"Wait...what? Seriously?! I've offered you ice cream before..."_  
  
Clarke looks at him then at Costia confused. Costia laughs.  
  
_"I guess I’m just smoother than you mom. It's okay. It happens."_  
  
Costia laughs again and this time her eyes fall on the person carrying Aden atop her shoulders.  
  
_"Lexa."  
  
"Hello Costia."_  
  
The family stands in silence and suddenly everything is awkward. Costia turns to Ethan who has patiently hung back during this entire exchange.  
  
_"Uhm...well..."_ Costia hesitates at first but once she starts talking the words just pour out of her. _"This is Ethan. He's my boyfriend and he's technically married, but actually separated. Now that it's out there I expect it to never be brought up again. Cool."  
_  
Costia looks around the group and everyone's face shows different degrees of surprise but none more so than Ethan.  
  
_"Great! That went just like we rehearsed it."_ Ethan jokes trying to lighten the mood. Ethan extends his hand towards Clarke. _"I'm 'technically married but actually separated Ethan'. You can also just call me Ethan for short. Whatever feels better. It's very nice to meet you Mrs. Griffin-Woods."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa look at each other then back at Ethan and then at Costia who has turned every possible shade of red in the span of thirty seconds.  
  
The last time Clarke and Lexa saw Costia she was in the city for less than twenty four hours. This isn't exactly how they were expecting their grand reunion to go. Clarke knows this really is not the place for this conversation so she paints a smile on her face and extends her hand to shake Ethan's.  
  
_"Nice to meet you Ethan. You can call me Clarke...for short."_  
  
They both laugh uncomfortably and end the handshake. Ethan turns to Lexa and extends his hand. Lexa plays along and shakes it.  
  
_"Nice to meet you. I'm Lexa."  
  
"I'm Aden."_  
  
The boy announces from a few feet above all their heads.  
  
_"Nice to meet you man."_ Ethan extends his hand up towards Aden. _"I heard you like FIFA so we brought you a little gift. We can give it to you once we get to the apartment."  
  
"A gift?! Awesome!"  
  
"I think you'll like it."  
_  
Ethan turns to Roa and he reaches in for a hug.  
  
_"Hey! Nice to see you again."  
  
"Same. Yeah."  
_  
Ethan then turns to Anya.  
  
_"We finally meet in person."  
  
"We do."  
_  
Anya leans in for a hug as well. Costia has yet to speak another word. Now that all the necessary introductions and greetings are out of the way, they're back to awkward silence. They all look at each other waiting for someone to say something.  
  
_"Right so...car?"_  
  
Clarke steps in.  
  
_"We knew parking was going to be impossible and we weren't all going to fit in the SUV anyway so we took the train here. We can take a couple of Ubers back to the apartment."  
  
"Oh...I mean...sure...yeah."  
  
"Great. Let's get moving then."_  
  
Clarke leads the way towards the exit and the whole gang follows.

* * *

Costia, Ethan, Anya, and Roa ride in one car. Clarke, Lexa, and Aden take another. Once Clarke and Lexa close the door to their Uber, Lexa turns to Clarke horrified.  
  
_"Married. Married. Married! He is married. Clarke..."  
  
"Ok. Slow down. Don't give yourself a stroke."  
  
"MARRIED!"  
  
"Separated. And she asked us not to bring it up so we're not going to. Okay?"_  
  
_"MA-RRI-ED. MARRIED!"  
  
"You're just repeating the same word now."_  
  
Aden looks back and forth between both of them trying to understand what the problem is.  
_  
"What?"_  
  
Lexa asks rhetorically and to no one in particular as her confusion reaches peak levels.  
  
_"We're not doing this right now."_ Clarke tells Lexa sternly and looking down at Aden trying to make Lexa understand that they shouldn't have this conversation around him. _"She's a grown up, she knows what she's doing, and we trust her."_  
  
Lexa scoffs in disagreement.  
  
_"I don't know about any of that."_  
  
Clarke guides Lexa's face so they're looking directly at each other.  
  
_"One year. We haven't all been together for almost an entire year. You know what that means?"_ Lexa looks at Clarke confused evidently not knowing what it meant. _"It means I deserve a nice family dinner and no one, not **ONE** person which yes... absolutely includes you, is going to ruin it."  
  
"Marr..."  
  
"If you say that word one more time Alexandria."_ Lexa stops talking. _"I'm going to get my perfect Thanksgiving dinner, we're going to take family pictures where everyone is going to smile, and we will deal with whatever comes up after Friday morning. Are we clear?"  
  
_ Lexa huffs.  
  
_"He is married! This is why I run background checks."_

_“It’s not like he’s hiding it. She obviously knows about it.”_

_“Doesn’t make him any less married.”_

Clarke rolls her eyes.  
  
_"We've covered that already Lexa. Get it out of your system by the time we get home because if you bring that up again at any point before dinner is over tomorrow you're sleeping on the couch until I forget why you're sleeping on the couch. Your call."_  
  
Lexa grumbles under her breath and turns to look out the window. She knew very well that "sleeping on the couch" also meant no sex and there is nothing that will make Lexa bend to Clarke's will faster than the threat of that.  
  
_"Hey."_ Clarke caresses the side of Lexa's face. _"Hey, stubborn head."_ Lexa turns to look at her. _"I love you."_  
  
_"Married."_  
  
Lexa mouths in response without actually saying the word out loud. Clarke smiles at Lexa while shaking her head and rolling her eyes before pecking her lips.  
  
_"Yeah yeah."_  
  
_"Aren't you and mommy married? Why is it bad that he is?"_  
  
Aden inquires curiously.  
  
_"We're married to each other! Very different. He..."_  
  
Clarke stares daggers at Lexa and she immediately stops talking. Clarke jumps in instead.  
  
_"That's not a conversation you need to be involved in. That's for grown ups. You're also not going to ask Ethan or Costia about it unless you want your tablet to go away for a week. Yes?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Here...you can play with my phone until we get home."_  
  
Clarke hands him the device in an attempt to make him forget about the topic.  
_  
"I'm holding you responsible if my Thanksgiving goes south."_  
  
Clarke whispers into Lexa's ear before kissing her cheek. Lexa doesn't speak for the rest of the drive.

* * *

Following an afternoon of conversation and becoming familiarized with each other’s quirks once again, the group went out to dinner to one of their favorite restaurants. After a filling and genial meal, the group makes their way back home where everyone promptly retreats to their own corner of the apartment to decompress. Sometimes the Griffin-Woods clan was too much, even for each other.  
  
Clarke types away on her studio computer when Costia steps inside and looks around at all the piece in progress.  
  
_"I thought Lexa was the only one who worked through holidays."_  
  
Clarke removes her eyes from the screen and smiles warmly at Costia as the younger blonde moves around the room.  
  
_"It's only a holiday in the US. My European clients don't really do Thanksgiving. I'm on their time zone at the moment."_  
  
Costia chuckles and steps closer to one of the larger canvases to carefully examine it.  
  
_"These are great mom. They're different but still very you."  
  
"Thank you. I've been playing around with a few things. Not sure how I feel about them yet, but it's fun to try something new."  
  
"Are you kidding? These are incredible."  
  
"Maybe I should hire you to rep me."  
  
"If the gallery can't sell these then maybe you should."  
  
"No one but your mom has seen them."  
  
"Well, you should change that because everyone should see them."_  
  
Clarke laughs but adds nothing until she notes the silence in the apartment.   
  
_"It’s quiet in here. What’s happening?"  
  
"Aden and Ethan are playing the video game we bought him, Ro is skyping with her man toy, Nana said she was going to her room to write, and Lexa is hiding in her office with a book. Shocker."  
  
"It's not like it was before."  
  
"Uhum."  
  
"It isn't. She hardly ever goes in there anymore unless she's actually working. I think she's just trying to give you space."  
  
"You always have some excuse for her. Glad to see nothing has changed."  
  
"I'm not doing this with you."_  
  
Clarke tells her daughter with finality and goes back to writing the email she was drafting when Costia walked in.  
  
_"Good. I have no interest in doing it either."_  
  
Costia retorts not taking her eyes off one of the most vibrant paintings in the room.  
  
_"I'm want us to go see Jake tomorrow."_  
  
Costia ‘pfffffts’ loudly and nonchalantly in response.  
  
_"I'm not going."_  
  
That exceeds Clarke's quota of patience for the day. She locks her eyes on Costia.   
  
" _No, you know what? I've put up with you not coming home because you are too stubborn to actually learn how exist around your mother. I've made peace with that. You're both big girls and there's only so much I can do so I've stopped meddling. I don't ask much of you Costia. Give me this one thing. I want us to visit your brother's grave as a family. It's the least you could do."  
  
"I hate the cemetery."  
  
"You'll suck it up for an hour then. We're probably going around nine that way there's plenty of time to come back and get dinner together. I expect you to be ready by the time we have to leave. Ethan is also invited if he wants to join."_  
  
Costia stands in silence and directs her gaze to her feet.  
  
_"It's not about her."_ Costia tries to find the best words to explain herself. _"Why I don't like being...here. It's not about Lexa."  
  
"Costia, you can lie to anyone else but not me. I can see right through it and we're both too old to pretend it's not the case."  
  
"Fine, it's not _**only** _about her."  
  
"Then what is it? What is it? Because I don't get it. I thought you going away for college was going to do you good, but now I feel like you're more distant than ever."  
  
"It's a lot of things."  
_  
Clarke leans back against the counter, keeps her eyes directly on Costia, and folds her arms against her chest.  
  
_"I have all night. Try me."_ Costia shuffles in place but doesn't speak. _"I need you to talk to me because I want to understand. You say it's not about your mom but it's hard to believe that when..."  
  
_ Costia forcefully interjects trying to prove that this is not about Lexa.  
  
_"You're one of the best artists in the country, anyone who lives in this city and every lawyer in New England knows who Lexa is, grandma was chief surgeon, grandpa is a politician who runs half this state, Aunt Raven is one of the best engineers in the world, Roa is going to school on a swimming scholarship because she's amazing, Nana double majored, graduated with honors, and has had her photography published. You're all successful and...then there's me. I'm a bartender who sings at open mics mom. I'm a failure compared to all of you. It’s hard to be reminded of that all the fucking time."_  
  
Clarke expeditiously crosses the room and makes her way to her daughter in a handful of steps.  
  
_"Hey."_ Clarke brings her hands to Costia's face and forces her daughter to look at her. _"Don't ever say that. Ever. You're not a failure. You got accepted into and graduated from one of the best music schools in the world because you're one of the best musicians in the world."_  
  
Costia scoffs.  
  
_"Tell that to the ten people who come see me play."  
  
"That means nothing Costia. Not a damn thing. Talent and fame are not connected. In searching for new creators for the gallery or the museum I've come across hundreds of artists who make it nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that they were unknown until I found them. Brilliant people, people who I honestly believe are some of the most outstanding artists across generations. The majority of the masters we know today died without recognition. Sometimes the world doesn't appreciate the best things Cos, but that doesn't mean they're not good. The art world is saturated right now. There's too many people out there making content and it's hard to stand out in the crowd but simply because someone hasn't noticed yet does not mean you've failed. It only means it hasn't been your turn."_  
  
Costia shrugs and avoids Clarke's eyes.  
  
_"It's also not a competition. Your mom and I don't sit down and pit you and your sisters against each other, or ourselves, or anyone else. That's not how being a parent goes, at least not for either or us. You could work at that bar for the rest of your life and I would still be insanely proud of you. You want to know why? Because you went to LA to follow your dream. That's one of the bravest things anyone could do and even if you wanted to come home tomorrow and never make music again I'd still be the proudest mother on the planet because you jumped feet first and you tried. You're still trying and you're working for it. Don't ever tell me again that you're a failure because you're not. Are you listening to me?"_  
  
Costia doesn't reply.  
  
_"Costia."_  
  
Clarke speaks firmly and Costia finally looks at her. Without uttering a word, Costia leans forward and wraps her arms around Clarke's neck.  
  
_"You're not a failure. At all. Not even close."_  
  
Clarke whispers into Costia's neck.  
  
_"I feel like one."_  
  
Costia whispers barely audibly. Clarke pulls back in order to be able to look at her daughter and force her to see the sincerity in her words.  
  
_"You're not."_  
  
Costia's eyes begin to well up with tears.  
  
_"Fuck, sometimes I need one of your hugs so bad."  
  
"You can always come get them. Anytime."_ Costia wipes the tears that threaten to fall from her eyes before they have the opportunity to do so. Clarke tries to lighten the mood. _"I won't even charge you for them. They're free."_  
  
Costia chuckles.  
  
_"Great. Thanks."_  
  
Costia's voice drips with playful sarcasm.  
  
_"You can come home anytime Cos."_ Clarke's tone is different than the previous statement. She wants to make sure Costia knows she is being frank. _"To visit or to live. It doesn't matter. This is still home."  
  
"I know. I do. It's just...it's hard to be here."  
  
"Because of your mom?"  
  
"Because of a lot of things."  
  
"Your mom being one of them?"  
_  
Costia rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Can we not go there?"  
  
"Why? What more can she do to prove that she's doing okay now?"  
  
"It's not about that mom!"_ Costia becomes visibly frustrated. _"We literally just talked about it. Why are you making it about her again? It's great that she's here now and I'm happy that she was there for Ro and that she's there for Aden, but she wasn't there for me or you when we needed her to. It's whatever now, but I can't forget about it mom. I can't. I've tried. Trust me. I just...I can't."  
  
"So you're going to spend the rest of your life pretending she doesn't exist?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. All I can tell you is how I feel right now."  
  
"What are you feeling right now?"  
_  
_"I don't know."  
  
"You just said you could."  
  
"I know what I said mom. It's not that easy."  
  
"Can you promise me something?"_  
  
Costia hesitates in her answer trying to size up what Clarke is about to trick her into doing.  
_  
"Depends..."  
  
"Promise me you'll have one conversation with her while you're here. Just one. About anything you want."  
  
"Mom..."  
  
"How hard can that be Costia? One conversation. Just the two of you. Please."_  
  
Costia exhales loudly.  
  
_"We'll see."  
  
"I'll take that. That's better than 'no'."  
  
"Yeah. Whatever."  
  
"Are you going to explain the whole 'your boyfriend is married thing' now or no?"  
  
"Not even close. Good night mom."_  
  
Costia hastily kisses Clarke's cheek and practically runs away.  
  
_"We're talking about this at some point before you leave."  
  
"I doubt that but good luck trying."_  
  
Costia tells her for down the hall.  
_  
"Married."_  
  
Clarke tells no one, mimicking Lexa's reaction from earlier, and proceeds to tidy up the studio.

* * *

The thin layer of snow covering the ground is disrupted as the group of seven quietly makes their way through the cobblestone path that leads up to Jake's grave. Clarke carries a large bouquet of flowers, Lexa holds Aden's hand, Costia holds Ethan's, and Anya has her arm wrapped around Roa's shoulder. The mood in the air and between them is serene yet solemn.  
  
Clarke is the first one to walk up to Jake’s headstone. Mixed alongside the snow, there's debris and dead leaves that have accumulated on the grave. Clarke immediately sets forth with cleaning it.  
  
_"Hi baby. It's been a while since it was all of us, but we're here today. We wanted to come visit for a little bit."_ Clarke talks to the headstone as she swipes her hand over it wiping it down. Once Clarke is satisfied that it's clean, she sets the flowers down and takes a step back. _"I think everyone should have a few minutes alone with him. Then maybe, if we're feeling it, we can all come back together and say goodbye. Sound good?"_ Everyone nods. _"Who wants to go first?"_  
  
_"You should start mom. We'll wait at the bench."_  
  
Anya points to the intimately familiar marble bench further down the path and the sixsome heads towards it leaving Clarke alone at the grave.  
  
_"It's Thanksgiving today. I'm making mashed potatoes with little bits of bacon in it. Just how you liked them."_

Clarke exhales and her breath fogs up the air.

 _"I'm sorry it's been so long. We haven't forgotten you,_ **I** _haven't forgotten you. It's just been busy and I know that's not an excuse but...we'll come back again before Christmas. I promise."_

Clarke takes a few deep breaths trying to will herself not to cry. 

_"I saw a boy on the street the other day, must have been seventeen or eighteen. He was with his friends at the park across from the gallery. He had his arms around a girl and he was so...alive. He was happy. For a second I was frozen, I couldn't move because I thought it was you. I knew it wasn't, rationally I knew...but he looked so much like I imagine you would and it made me miss you more than I ever think I had before. It's like every time I think I can't miss you any more, something happens and I'm proven wrong. I miss you and I miss all the things we never got to see you experience.”_

Clarke lets her words linger in the air.

 _“That's all. That's what's I had to say. I haven't dreamt about you in a while. Come visit sometime soon, yeah? I miss your voice. I love you. I'm about to send your mom over, okay? She’s doing really well. You’d be just as proud of her as I am. I'll see you soon."_  
  
Clarke turns her back on the grave and heads towards the bench where her family is gathered.

* * *

Within a couple of minutes Lexa is walking over to Jake's grave with her hands stuffed deep inside her pockets and her shoulders almost as high as her ears trying to protect them from the wind chill. She lands in front of the grave, on the same spot where Clarke stood not long ago.  
  
Lexa never knows what to say when she's here. Nothing about it feels normal or natural. Whatever is left of her son is somewhere under feets of dirt and wood, dead and buried, and there is nothing she can do about it. It's not a situation that is conducive to conversation.  
  
_"Happy Thanksgiving Jay."_  
  
That's all Lexa utters before she nods and walks away.

* * *

_"This is fucking weird. I don't know why mom insists on doing this."  
  
"It helps some people."_  
  
Ethan runs his gloved thumb over Costia's mittened hand while they both look at Jake's name engraved on the granite.  
  
_"Do you want me to introduce myself?"  
  
"It's a piece of rock, Ethan."  
  
"It's symbolic. Roll with it."_ Costia shakes her head but Ethan begins to talk regardless. _"Hey man. I'm Ethan. I'm from New Orleans and I play bass and guitar in a band. I also sing sometimes. And I write too. Yeah, I guess I'm actually one of those clichéd musicians who does a little bit of everything. I'm also dating your big sister. I assume you probably would've threatened me with bodily harm by now so I just wanted to let you know that even if you were here, that wouldn't be necessary because I don't plan on hurting her. Not if I can help it. She's pretty cool and I'm sort of crazy about her."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes but can't help the rush of blood that travels to her cheeks.  
  
_"Anyway..."_ Costia interrupts him. _"I don't know what mom wants. It's not like he can hear what I'm saying so..."  
_  
Costia begins to walk away but Ethan pulls her back.  
  
_"Come on. Roll with it. Pretend he can. Have you seriously never come visit him and just had a chat with him?"_

Costia never has with Jake but she certainly did many times with Agnes. She’s not willing to share that though.  
  
_"He's dead."  
  
"Pretend he isn't."  
  
"I can't do that."  
  
"Okay, so tell me what you would tell him if he could hear you."  
  
"This is stupid."  
  
"Still...tell me."  
  
"I'd tell him that I miss him."  
  
"Nothing else?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You can be a buzzkill sometimes you know that?"  
  
"Yup."  
_  
Ethan doesn’t press the matter any further. He kisses the side of her head and when she yanks him behind her he relents and they walk away.

* * *

A small bauble is laid on top of Jake's headstone.  
  
_"When I was traveling through Africa we stopped in this small village. We spent a couple of days there and I met a girl, she was around Ro's age. Her English was broken and she wanted to practice with me. She wanted to get better so we talked almost the entire time I was there. There were times I barely understood her but when words failed us we pointed at things or mimed them or drew them...we always found a way."_  
  
Anya chuckles as memories of her time with the girl begin to flood her mind.  
  
_"She was the granddaughter of the village chief. I did my best to tell her about me and about my life. You were a big part of the story. The day I was leaving she handed me that."_  
  
Anya points to the trinket she laid on top of the headstone.  
  
_"She said that in her town they believe the dead can feel things as long as the living channel them properly. They make these blessed charms and they're supposed to be magical enough to transmit emotions to the after life. She gave me one and told me that if I put sufficient energy into mine that even someone who was dead could feel what I was feeling. She was certain that we could connect through this thing. Ever since she gave it to me, I'd pull it out right before I went to bed and I'd hold it between my hands and think about all the good things that happened to me during that particular day. Even the smallest things...I'd put all my laughs and happiness into it because I wanted you to feel them."_  
  
Anya wipes the tears that have begun to fall down her face.  
  
_"I saw so many things that I think you'd love Jake. So many. You want to know what the best thing about this trip was? That somewhere along the way I stopped being sad that you weren't there to experience them with me because I started to believe what Safiya told me. Sure, it sounds crazy and I know it_ **is** _crazy, but it's the comforting kind of crazy. I wasn't sad anymore because I was transferring all those great things I was feeling into this ‘magical’ piece of nothing and I knew I was going to come share them with you."_  
  
The tears are now falling unceremoniously down Anya's face but they're not sad tears. They're the "crazy kind of comforting" tears.  
  
_"There's a few months worth of good memories in there. I'll come back and get it soon. I'll take it on another adventure to put some more great things in there. I'm going to share it all with you Jake. I promise."_  
  
Anya wipes her face as best she can and walks away.

* * *

Roa sits cross-legged on the floor directly opposite the headstone.  
  
_"College is weird Jake. It really is, but it's also pretty fucking cool. I've definitely done some things momma wouldn't approve of but it's been fun."_  
  
Roa takes a second to think about what to say next.  
  
_"Uhm...I haven't told moms about this, but coach called me into his office after a meet and said if I keep improving my stats as I have this semester, then I could rank nationally by the beginning of sophomore year. He was talking about competitions and medals. That's a lot of pressure. Swimming is fun. I do it because I love it and because it distracts me, but I don't necessarily want to be a professional swimmer. I don't know. I don’t think I do? It's a lot and I know that if I tell moms they're going to be excited. I don't want to let them down but I...don't know. You always had something smart to say. I wish you did now because I don't know what I should do. I've been thinking about quitting a lot. I'm tired all the time and I have to be up for 5 AM practice at least five, sometimes six days a week. My friends go out and have fun but I can't. I'd also lose the scholarship if I quit the team. I don't know. I haven't told anyone about this. Not even my boyfriend. He's also in the swim team. He's great by the way. Really goofy. Kind of reminds me of you a little. Is that weird? His name is Justin. I’ve definitely called him Jake a couple of times by accident. Maybe that's weird."_  
  
Roa shrugs and plays with the snow by her feet.  
  
_"I'm still undeclared. I'm testing a few things out. I thought I wanted to write but the journalism class is kicking my ass. Nothing I do is ever good enough for my teacher even when I think I did great. I asked momma to help, I'm hoping that makes a difference. She was always good at helping us with homework."_  
  
Roa stops to think about what else she could say but comes up with nothing.  
  
_"I think those are the highlights of my first semester I guess. I'll be back for Christmas break and I'll let you know if anything has changed."_  
  
Roa jumps to her feet and wipes the snow from her butt.  
  
_"I love you Jakey."_

* * *

_"Hi brother."_  
  
Aden innocently and animatedly waves at the tombstone. Clarke kneels behind him with her arm snaked around his waist. Lexa stands a few feet behind them.  
  
_"What should I say?"  
  
"Anything you want. Whatever you feel like telling him."_ Aden does his best to concentrate and think hard. Clarke kisses his arm encouraging him. _"If you want us to leave you alone with him, we can. We don't need to know what you tell him. It can be between the two of you."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"You want us to go over there for a little bit?"  
_  
Aden nods.  
  
_"Yeah. Boy talk."_  
  
Clarke laughs.  
  
_"Okay. If you want us to come back just call, alright? If not just come over when you're ready."_  
  
Clarke kisses his head before walking towards Lexa and hovering a few feet away.  
  
_"A lot of my friends have big brothers. Sam, Jamie, Jon, Brandon, Robb, and Rick all do. I told them I had a big brother too but Jamie said it wasn't the same because you were dead and I can't play with you."_

Aden shrugs to himself.

 _"He's not always very nice and I didn't listen to him. I still think you're my big brother."_  
  
Aden runs his toy car through the snow and spins it in his hands as if it had done a complicated trick.  
  
_"Mommy says my room used to be your room before. It's a nice room. I can fit a lot of toys in there and even my friends come and sleep over sometimes. I wish you could come to our sleepovers but every time I ask momma she says you can't because you're in heaven. Nana went away for a while and it was just me in the house with momma and mommy and it was_ **really** _quiet. It made me wish I had someone to play with it. I really wanted a big brother. Mommy shows me pictures sometimes from before you went to heaven and we don't look like brothers. It's funny because all brothers look like brothers but we don't but I think you're still my brother even though you don't look like me. Okay. It's really cold and I'm getting hungry now and I asked mom but she said we didn't bring snacks so I think I'm going to ask her if we can go home but I'll also ask if I can come back and play sometime. I can show you my superhero collection."_  
  
Aden walks up to the headstone, takes his hat off, and places it next to the piece Anya had left for Jake.  
  
_"Just so you don't get cold. Don't worry I won't get cold either. I have more at home. Bye brother."_  
  
Aden turns and runs to where Lexa and Clarke stood.  
  
_"Why'd you leave your hat over there?"  
  
"I don't want him to be cold. My hat keeps me warm then it can keep him warm too."_  
  
Lexa clears her throat and fights back tears. She kneels to talk to Aden so she can be at his eye level.  
  
_"Buddy, he doesn't need it."  
  
"Oh...he won't get cold?"  
  
"No. People who go to heaven don't get cold."  
  
"Oooooh."  
  
"Do you want to go get it so you can keep your head warm?"_  
  
Aden shakes his head no.  
  
_"I want him to have it. Just in case."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Okay. We can leave it then."  
  
"Can we go home now? I'm hungry."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa both let out a wet laugh.  
  
_"Yeah."_ Lexa gets back on her feet. _"Let's go feed you."_

* * *

The Thanksgiving table is elegantly set and overflowing with both food and people. Abby, Marcus, Anya, and Gustus have joined the festivities and sit around the table randomly dispersed between the other members of the family.  
  
Everyone is dressed pristinely because Clarke insisted they needed family pictures. While the rest of them tackled the making of dinner, Costia found a barber shop that was open and took Aden to get a haircut. The mullet is definitely out and he's now rocking a very hipster yet classy pompadour undercut. Much to Clarke and Lexa's surprise, Aden hasn't complained once.  
  
It's now time for everyone to go around the table and say what they're thankful for before the turkey is carved and the rest of the food is consumed.  
  
_"Who wants to start?"_  
  
Clarke asks looking around the table. No one volunteers at first.  
  
_"I'll go."_ Roa jumps in. _"I'm thankful for all your ugly faces..."_ The responses around the table are either laughter or echoes of mock offense. _"...I definitely missed seeing all of them in one place so I'm thankful we're all together. I'm thankful for my team, my school, and my friends."  
  
"And your boyfriend!"  
_  
Costia teases her. Roa throws a bread roll across the table. Costia dodges it and it falls on the floor.  
  
_"Shut your ugly mouth."  
  
"You, don't throw things. You, pick that up."_  
  
Clarke admonishes both of them. Costia begins to push her chair back to collect the bread when Sharkie swoops in, bites into it, and runs away with her prize.  
  
_"Well, we know what she's thankful for."_ Marcus jokes. _"I'll take my turn. I'm thankful that my wife beat cancer's butt a second time, for the beautiful family she made me a part of, for being healthy, and for a year where a lot of my measures got passed into law."  
  
"Congrats grandpa."  
_  
Nana cheers him on. Abby jumps in.  
  
_"I am thankful for this beautiful table. Thank you Clarke."_ The other diners back up her sentiments with hoots. _"I'm thankful for my amazing grandchildren. I'm thankful for my daughters."_ Abby looks at both Clarke and Lexa. _"And I'm thankful for the group of doctors who made sure I could be here enjoying tonight with all of you."_  
  
Clarke leans over and kisses her mother on the cheek.  
  
_"I love you mom. I am thankful for so many things. Wow. Mostly all of them are sitting on this table so I feel like a pretty lucky gal at the moment. I'm thankful Nana came back in what seems like one piece, we’ll see what the test results say. I'm thankful for all the opportunities coming up at work. The show in Brussels was amazing and I have a feeling Paris will be just as good. I'm thankful that we still have you with us mom. Last but definitely not least, I'm still thankful we set that yard on fire. I'm thankful for thirty crazy years with you."_ Clarke turns to Lexa and holds her hand. _"The majority of the best things in my life are thanks to you and I don't know where I'd be without you or them."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss Lexa. The table "awwws".  
  
_"That was disgusting."_  
  
No matter how many years pass, Anya still hasn't gotten used to seeing her little sister be kissed.  
  
_"Shut up."_  
  
Lexa jokes and immediately jumps into her turn.  
  
_"I am thankful that a girl way out of my league wouldn't take no for an answer. I guess I should be thankful for you being stubborn. It ties directly to the first one."_  
  
Clarke leans her head back laughing.  
  
_"Next time you are mad at me I'm reminding you that you said you were thankful for my stubbornness. I have witnesses."  
  
"That was a mistake momma."_  
  
Nana interjects.  
  
_"Probably was."_ Lexa laughs _. "I'm still thankful for it because without your hard head none of this would be happening. I'm thankful for my amazing kids. You guys blow my mind every day. You truly do. I am thankful for having the sister with the biggest heart and the most foul mouth."  
  
"Damn fucking right you are."  
_  
Anya replies and the table guffaws.  
  
_"She said a bad word again."_  
  
Aden points out.  
  
_"She always does. That's the whole point. You're still not allowed to say them."  
  
"Give it a few years. I'll teach you some good ones once you can grow a full beard."  
  
"No, no she won't."_ Lexa admonishes her sister. _"I'm thankful for friends who call me out when I'm being stupid."_ Lexa turns to Gustus and smiles. _"And I'm thankful for the best in-laws a girl could've wished for."_ Abby and Marcus smile at her. _"Thank you for continuing to trust me with her even when I have given you many reasons not to."  
  
"You're very welcome."  
  
_ Abby replies warmly.  
  
_"What are you thankful for?"_  
  
Lexa turns to Aden.  
  
_"Sharkie."  
  
"The kid’s priorities are in the right place. He's thankful for the dog. Short and sweet."_  
  
Anya jokes but Aden immediately jumps in.  
  
_"I wasn't done!"  
  
"Oh. Okay. Sorry. Keep going."_  
  
Anya stands corrected. Aden starts counting things with his fingers.  
  
_"Momma, mommy, Nana, Ro, Cos, Cos's boyfriend is cool I guess..."_  
  
The table laughs in unison.  
  
_"Thanks man."  
  
"...grandma, grandpa, Aunt Anya, Uncle Gustus, Aunt Raven, Aunt Octavia, Uncle Lincoln, Luke, Liana, Linden, Uncle Bell, Aunt Echo, Kai, Uncle Monty, Aunt Harper, Hannah, Uncle Jasper, Aunt Maya, Emerson, Vincent, Remmy, Miss Tally, Jon, Brandon, Robb, Rick, Jaime, Sam, Damon, Carl, David, Jonah, Tory, Brienne, Arya, Caitlin, Ramsay, Elia, Geoffrey, Dani..."  
  
"I take it back. This isn't short and sweet."_  
  
Anya turns to Nana. Nana smiles at her but directs her attention back to her little brother for the entire time he lists the names of every kid in his class.  
  
_"...and I think that's it."  
  
"That was a good list."_ Lexa kisses the side of his head. _"Who's next?"_  
  
_"I am thankful for food that looks delicious. Slightly less thankful that we still haven't eaten it."_  
  
Anya hints at moving the process along. The table laughs.  
  
_"Be serious for a second. What are you thankful for?"_  
  
Lexa tries to get a better answer out of her sister.  
  
_"I just told you. I'm thankful for this food and I'll be even more thankful when it's inside my stomach. Next."  
  
"I am thankful for family, for friends, for music, and for you."_  
  
Costia turns to Ethan who takes it as his cue to speak.  
  
_"I am thankful that everyone has been so warm and welcoming despite the little...details."  
  
"She has two moms. Of course no one batted an eye when she started dating someone black. It's a 'cool' family."_  
  
Anya jumps in half mocking. Costia can't help but immediately turn a deep shade of red. Nana and Roa look at each other and cover their mouths in mild shock. Lexa buries her face in her hand.  
  
_"That's...that's not what he was talking about Anya."  
_  
Lexa tells Anya awkwardly.  
  
_"It's a valid point though."_ Ethan defends Anya. _"You have been very cool about....everything. Meeting the family isn't always easy, but you guys have made it fun. So thank you."  
_  
_"I guess I'll ask questions later then?"_  
  
Anya looks at Lexa trying to understand what is going on.  
_  
"Yeah. Let's do that."_  
  
Clarke interjects trying to not derail the conversation.  
  
_"OKAY! My turn..."_ Nana talks over Clarke in an attempt to break the tension. _"I don't know if I've ever said this before, and if I haven't I'm sorry because I definitely should have, but I'm thankful for you Uncle Gus. I'm thankful that mom found you years ago. I'm thankful for the things you did back then and keep doing. I'm also extra thankful for that ridiculously luscious beard."_  
  
The table roars with hearty snickers.  
  
_"I'm glad your mom thought I wanted to sleep with her all those years ago too."_  
  
They all laugh again while Lexa looks mildly offended.  
  
_"That is_ **definitely** _not what happened."_  
  
_"I like my version better. But in all honesty, thank you guys for taking in a sad, old gay and making him feel like he belonged again. I love you guys. Except her..."_ Gustus points at Lexa. _"...I only tolerate her. Sometimes."  
  
"I can kick you out, you know that right?"  
  
"I'd like to see you try."  
_  
They all laugh again.  
  
_"Can we eat? You guys can fight another time. I'm dying."_  
  
Anya looks at Clarke and Lexa begging them to hurry it up.  
  
_"Yes. Yes. Dig in everyone."  
  
"Thank fuck."_  
  
Once Clarke gives the okay, Anya doesn't hesitate to reach for the roasted potatoes. She can live off those until the turkey is carved. Lexa hands Aden a bread roll because she knows he's probably starving as well.  
  
With that Thanksgiving dinner is off to a great start.

* * *

The filling meal has long been finished, the table cleared, and the dishwasher ran. Marcus and Abby squabble over something or another quietly on the couch. Clarke sits across Lexa's lap on one of the armchairs. They both sip on wine and watch Gustus, Anya, Ethan, Aden, Roa, Nana, and Costia battle it out on their customary post-Thanksgiving dinner Monopoly game.  
  
_"...6...7...8...noooo!"_  
  
Costia throws her hands in the air as she lands on Roa's "Park Place". The property has three hotels making the amount she has to pay impossibly exorbitant.  
  
_"Pay up!"  
  
"I'm out. I'm done. I can't do this. This game ruins families. I don't know why we keep playing it."_  
  
Costia gets up from the floor and sits on the couch next to her grandfather. Clarke and Lexa laugh at the familiar scene that is about to unfold. Roa always wins because she's some sort of Monopoly prodigy and Costia never fails to become indignant that she got beat by her little sister.  
  
_"Don't be a sore tenant. Come back!"  
  
"I'm broke! What am I going to go back to? You can take the cents I have left and my properties."  
  
"Why are you giving them to her?!"_  
  
Nana complains and Costia shrugs not caring enough to explain herself.  
  
_"That was messed up Cos. So messed up! She owns half the board and you gave her yours too.”_

_“That’s your problem now.”_

Costia tells Nana bitterly. Nana rolls the dice and just by looking at the number she knows she’s about to land on one of Roa’s properties. She turns to Costia.

_“I can’t believe you left me to deal with the mini real estate tycoon on my own. If you're going to make me suffer the least you could do is play some music to dull the pain."_

Costia immediately and sternly shuts that idea down _  
  
"Not happening."_  
  
A chorus of yeses echoes around the room.  
  
_"Do it!"  
  
"Play something. We haven't heard you play in a while."  
  
"Nope. I can send you guys a video of my next underwhelming show if you want to see me play this badly."  
  
"Come on, Cos."  
  
"I'm not playing."  
  
"Tell your girlfriend to play us something."_  
  
Nana urges Ethan who looks at Costia.  
  
_"It wouldn't hurt to hear what people think of the stuff we've been working on. Maybe 'When You Love Someone' or 'Saved'?"_  
  
_"No. Nope. Absolutely not."  
  
"I think you told me about 'When You Love Someone' but what is 'Saved'?"_  
  
Roa jumps in curious.  
  
_"It's the new song she wrote on Monday."_

Ethan takes it upon himself to answer knowing full well that Costia wouldn’t.  
  
_"You_ **have** _to play them."  
  
"I didn't bring my guitar."  
  
"Cos...half of your guitars are still in your room."_  
  
Nana tells her sister before getting up and disappears down a hallway.  
  
_"I hate you."_  
  
Costia grits between her teeth while addressing Ethan.  
  
_"They're good songs.”  
  
"...That are not ready to be played to anyone else."  
  
"Play them Cos."_  
  
Abby encourages Costia.  
  
_"None of us are going to judge. We won't even know if you mess up because we've never heard them before."_  
  
Clarke adds to the conversation as Nana returns with a guitar in each hand.  
  
_"Guitar for you..."_ She hands Costia one of the guitars and turns to give Ethan the other. _"...and guitar for you. Problem solved."_  
  
Ethan strums his guitar and begins to tune it.  
  
_"None of this is even close to being done."  
  
"Who cares? Just play loser."_  
  
Roa pushes Costia's knee and Costia playfully kicks her in return.  
  
Costia takes a deep breath before silently beginning to tune the guitar she's holding. All eyes are on her. Once Costia feels the guitar sounds like it should, she looks up at Ethan. He instinctively counts her in.  
  
_"...2...3...4..."_  
  
Costia and Ethan begin to play a melody and almost immediately Ethan begins to sing.  
  
_"Come home early after class  
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard."_  
  
Costia takes the next few lines.  
  
_"I've been called up by a teacher  
She says she can't even reach you 'cause you're so far."_  
  
Costia and Ethan jump in together. Their voices pair up into the most arresting of melodies.  
  
_"You've been talking with your fist  
We didn't raise you up like this, now did we  
There have been changes in this house  
Things that you don't know about in this family.  
  
It don't make sense, but nevertheless  
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best  
It don't make sense  
The way things go  
Kid you should know.  
  
Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love."  
_  
Costia turns to quickly look at Clarke as she sings the next line.  
  
_"Sometimes two homes are better than one."_  
  
Costia then averts her eyes and looks at Roa for no more than a split second.  
  
_"Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young  
Yeah you'll understand  
When you love someone."_  
  
The fact that this song was born out of some deeply seeded sentiments is unmissable to anyone in the room.

Ethan and Costia look at each other and continue to duet.

 _"There ain't no one here to blame  
Nothing's going to change with your old friends  
Your room will stay the same  
'Cause you'll only be away on the weekends.  
  
It don't make sense but nevertheless  
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best  
It don't make sense  
It don't add up  
We'll always love you no matter what.  
  
Sometimes dads and dads fall out of love  
Sometimes two homes are better than one  
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young  
Yeah you'll understand  
When you love someone  
When you love someone.  
  
Come home early after class  
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard."_  
  
Costia closes her eyes as she sings the next few lines. It's clear that they're very personal to her.  
  
_"And if we're crying on the couch  
Don't let it freak you out  
This has been so hard."_  
  
Costia and Ethan stop strumming their guitars and sing the last chorus slow, low, and a capella.  
  
_"Sometimes moms and moms fall out of love  
Sometimes the best intentions just ain't enough  
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young  
Yeah you'll understand  
When you love someone  
When you love someone  
When you love someone  
When you love someone."_  
  
The instant they finish singing the last line the family hoots, claps, whistles, and cheers.  
  
_"That was so good! You have to play 'Saved'. You have to."_  
  
Costia initially shakes her head in refusal but quickly admits defeat and looks at Ethan giving him the go ahead to count them in.  
  
_"...2...3...4..."_  
  
They both begin to play. Costia’s husky voice pierces the air. Ethan joins in sporadically to offer his deep tone and serve as her back up vocals and harmony but, for the most part, Costia sings this one entirely alone.  
  
_"I'm out here, alone and treading water  
The clear air, tells me there's a storm coming  
I'm not afraid of the dark cloud, gonna wait it out  
Got me racing my heart now and I'm fading out  
I'm waiting to be...  
  
Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
I'm caught up in the current  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain…  
  
I'm out here, like a message in a bottle  
Can't breathe, I'm sinking down to rock bottom  
I'm not afraid of the dark cloud, gonna wait it out  
Got me racing my heart now and I'm fading out  
I'm waiting to be..."  
  
Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
I'm caught up in the current  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain."_  
  
Something about the lyrics and the way that Costia is projecting the words have Lexa transfixed. Both Costia and the song are flabbergastingly vulnerable in a way Lexa hasn’t seen or heard Costia be in years.  
  
Costia works up to the coda of the song. Without being entirely positive of what comes over there, Costia scans over the group until her eyes meet Lexa's from across the room.  
  
_"I'm losing hope  
When will you find me, when will you show up  
When will you show up  
When will you show  
I need to know that I'll be..."_  
  
Lexa and Costia still hold each other's unwavering gaze. To them it suddenly feels like no one else is in the room. The silent exchange is emotionally charged but the others don't seem to notice.  
  
_"Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
Saved  
By a tidal wave  
Take me away t-t-take me away  
I'm caught up in the current  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved  
Knowing that I'm certain to be  
Saved"_  
  
The moment the last word leaves Costia's mouth she bolts up from the place she occupied on the couch and speedwalks to her room. Seconds later Lexa navigates herself out from under Clarke and heads for the front door. She desperately needs air.  
  
The rest of the family all look at each other extremely confused.  
  
_"I'm going to make sure she's okay. Dinner was great. Thank you."_  
  
Ethan excuses himself and heads for the bedrooms.  
  
_"What...just...happened?"_  
  
Nana looks at her Roa then Clarke and immediately discovers they're both as lost as she is.

* * *

Ethan walks into the bedroom to find Costia curled up in bed sobbing forcefully enough to rattle the bed. He rushes over and lays next to her. She turns to face him and buries her face in his chest.  
  
_"Shhhhh...”_  
  
Ethan runs his hands over Costia’s hair trying to soothe her. It's not the first time he's seen her like this and he knows the only thing he can do is wait it out.

* * *

Lexa shivers while walking down the sidewalk. Her sweater is not warm enough for her to be out here in the current weather, but she can't go back inside. Not right now.  
  
Lexa is doing her best to keep her composure in order to not attract attention to herself, but she is crying profusely. She uses the sleeves she has pulled around her fisted hand to dry her face.  
  
A noticeable shudder runs through the entirety of her body. She's freezing, but Lexa decides she'll just have to put up with it. At least until she's sure everyone has left or gone to bed. The last thing she wants tonight is to have to answer questions.

* * *

Lexa stays out until much past her physical threshold for cold temperatures. She doesn't return home until 5:38 in the morning.  
  
Lexa tiptoes into the bedroom trying not to wake Clarke. What she's not expecting is for one of the lamps to turn on and illuminate the room. Clarke is sitting up in bed looking just as exhausted as Lexa. Their eyes connect but Lexa has nothing to say.  
  
_"Don't do this. Not again."  
  
"I'm not."  
_  
Lexa counters dryly and heads for the walk-in closet in an attempt to shed the damp layers and trade them for warm, dry ones.  
  
_"Hey."_ Clarke jumps off the bed, chases after Lexa, and spins her around. _"What happened?"  
  
"Nothing happened."  
  
"You haven't stormed out in years Lexa, haven't spent the night out in even longer than that. _**Something** _happened."_

Lexa shrugs.  
  
_"Please don't shut me out."_  
  
Lexa begins to strip her clothes off in silence and Clarke notices the blue-ish tone to her skin and the way she shivers.  
  
_"You're freezing."_  
  
Clarke walks to the bathroom and brings back a pile of fluffy towels. She sets them on the dresser, picks up the top one, wraps it around Lexa's half bare torso, and repeatedly rubs her hands over it doing her best to warm her wife up.  
  
Lexa initially rejects Clarke's efforts but the warmth is much too welcomed and she almost instantly gives in.  
  
_"Hold this."_  
  
Clarke instructs Lexa to hold both ends of the towel in order to keep it wrapped around her torso. When Lexa does, Clarke moves to the back of Lexa's head and deftly moves her fingers as she undoes Lexa's braid. Once Lexa's hair is completely loose Clarke reaches for another one of the towels and runs it through the moist hair.  
  
_"You're a fucking idiot Lexa. It's barely above zero outside. That's hypothermia type of cold. If you get sick..."_  
  
Clarke stops to grit her teeth. She's seething, more out of preoccupation than anything, but still furious. Clarke notices how wet Lexa's pants are and yanks on the waistline from the back.  
  
_"Take these off. Now."_  
  
Clarke wraps Lexa's hair in a fresh towel and struts onto Lexa's half of the closet to find her dry clothes. By the time Clarke finds Lexa some warm pajama pants and a sweater comfortable enough to sleep in, Lexa is down to her underwear.  
  
_"Those are wet too. Why are they still on?"_  
  
Lexa allows the towel she was holding around her torso to fall and she moves to remove her bra and boxers. Once Lexa is naked and her hands are free, Clarke pushes the change of clothes into Lexa's chest. Before Lexa even has the opportunity to react and hold them, Clarke lets go and turns to leave the closet forcing Lexa to scramble and hold all the falling pieces.  
  
It takes Lexa a couple of minutes to change into the things Clarke picked for her. When she exits the closet she comes across Clarke aggressively pacing up and down the room. When Clarke reaches the wall on the other side of the bedroom and has no choice but to turn she spots Lexa at the closet doorway and practically stomps over to where Lexa stands.  
  
_"I'm not doing this, Lexa. We are_ **past** _this."_  
  
Lexa doesn't answer but takes a step forward, kisses Clarke's forehead, and lets her lips linger. It's the best she can do to reassure her now.  
  
_"It won't happen again."_ Clarke lifts her chin to properly look at Lexa and the candor in Lexa’s eyes releases some of the tension from her body. _"I don't think sometimes. I'm not shutting you out, I'm just...tired. I'm not going to devolve into that person again. I'm sorry about last night. I am. I promise we can talk about it, but not now. Not while they're still here."  
  
"Lexa..."  
_  
A million questions go unanswered but Clarke doesn't have to speak them aloud for Lexa to know what they are. She is well aware what Clarke's biggest fears are.  
  
_"This isn't going to become a pattern. It isn't. I promise."_  
  
Clarke closes her eyes and shakes her head. She takes a deep breath and opens them to look at Lexa.  
  
_"I'm not going through the same thing twice Lexa. I mean it."  
  
"It was a mistake."  
  
"I insisted, I told her you were better. I tried to convince her you had changed. Why would you do that? Why when she's here?"  
  
"I'm sorry. It was...a lot and I didn't know what to do. I didn't. I did the easiest thing that came to mind and that was to leave. It was stupid."  
  
"Yes, it was."  
  
"I want you guys to be okay again but it's never going to happen if she sees you doing things like that Lexa. It won't. How do I make her believe you _**are** _better after that?"_  
  
Lexa looks at the floor ashamed. Clarke can tell that she's genuinely repentant.  
  
_"Hey."_ Lexa looks up at Clarke, regret overflowing from her eyes, and that last remnants of Clarke’s anger wash away. _"I love you."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"I'm sorry I ruined Thanksgiving."  
  
"You didn't. Dinner was technically over already which is frankly longer than I thought we would last before something went terribly wrong so I'm calling it a success."_ Clarke cracks a smile. _"You really piss me off sometimes but I do love you and your big, hard head."  
_  
Lexa chortles.  
  
_"Leave my big head out of this."  
  
"Nah. I love it. It’s endearing."_  
  
Clarke leans up to peck Lexa's lips.  
  
_"I love you too."_  
  
Clarke intertwines their fingers and guides Lexa toward the bed.  
  
_"I'm exhausted."  
  
"Yeah."_  
  
They each crawl into their respective sides of the bed, Clarke turns off the lamp, and they meet in the middle of the mattress. Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke.  
  
_"You're so cold."  
  
"You're warm."_ Lexa holds Clarke tighter trying to steal some of her body heat. _"Good night, Clarke."  
  
"Pretty sure the sun is about to come out."  
  
"Good morning then."  
  
"How long do you think before one of them wakes us up?"  
  
"An hour, two at the most."  
  
_ Clarke laughs into Lexa's chest.  
  
_"See you in an hour then."_  
  
They're both fast asleep within minutes.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa don't wake up until seven hours later to find an empty house and a note on Lexa's bedside table.

  
_"We tried waking you but you guys were OUT.  We are starving so we're going to lunch and maybe do some Black Friday shopping. We'll be back later.  
  
Don't have too much fun without us.  
  
-Nana"_

  
Clarke and Lexa knew their children hadn't been together for months and especially not without them around. They understood why this outing would be good for the siblings. They took advantage of the free babysitting and decided to revel in the silence of the house and the down time. While the kids were gone Clarke and Lexa warmed up some leftovers and watched a movie. They even managed to squeeze in some sex in between the two things.

* * *

The Griffin-Woods children sauntered into the house sometime around dusk. Their faces hurt from laughing and their bank accounts frowned from the spending that lead to the dozens of bags they returned home with.  
  
Clarke decided making dinner at home was more of a hassle than she was willing to put up with and they chose to go out to their favorite restaurant. Raven eventually joined them and dinner became one big, rowdy event.  
  
The group didn't return home until after midnight. When they walked through the door Aden was sound asleep and everyone else was beat. They all said their goodnights and retreated to their bedrooms.

* * *

By the time the rest of the family wakes up on Saturday morning, Lexa and Roa have set up shop in the dining room and are having a proper study session.  
  
It takes her breaking out her Serious Mom Voice, but Clarke convinces Lexa and Roa that the table needs to be vacated in order for her to be able to serve breakfast. After being interrupted Lexa and Roa are not capable of getting back into the study groove for the rest of the day, but they covered enough in the few hours they did get that Roa feels more comfortable with this class than she has the entire semester.  
  
The amount of snow that the storm drops throughout the city forces the family to keep their day pretty low key. They willingly choose to stay inside and warm. Their agenda includes watching movies, cracking jokes, and playing board games until it's time to sleep.

* * *

Halfway through the night Ethan is making his way back from the kitchen with a bottle of water when the shape sitting on the couch in the unlit living room moves and startles him.  
  
_"Oh shit!"_  
  
Ethan manages to not outright scream, but still verbalizes his surprise.  
  
_"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."_  
  
Lexa whispers while Ethan holds his chest as he tries to get his breathing under control.  
  
_"It's your house. I'm the one wandering around it in the dark."  
  
"Can't sleep either?"  
  
"No. For someone who tours several months out of the year you'd think I'd be better about sleeping in unfamiliar places but I'm not."_ Ethan holds up the bottle. _"I was also thirsty."  
  
"I'm sorry you can't sleep. If there's anything we can do, let us know."  
  
"I'm pretty sure it's just a factory defect, but thank you."  
  
"No problem."  
  
"Hope you get some sleep."  
  
"You too, Ethan."  
_  
Ethan walks a few feet then doubles back.  
  
_"Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I...I may be out of line but I...you're nothing like I pictured. From what she described I mean. Not that she talks about you a lot but...I...have you tried? Talking to her I mean? I learned something the first few months I was dating her. Costia doesn't let her guard down unless she thinks people want to actually see her, the real her. I don't know everything that happened between you two because there’s things she refuses to talk about, but I think I know her and...this whole trip she's reminded me of who she was when we started dating. Maybe she just needs to know you want to get to know her again. I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm so out of line. I didn't mean to offend or butt in or anything. It was just a thought. Have a good night Mrs. Griffin-Woods."_  
  
Ethan tries to hurry away but Lexa’s voice makes him stop and face her once more.  
  
_"You really care about her."  
  
"I do."_  
  
Lexa takes this as an opportunity to segue into a topic she's been dying to broach.  
  
_"Your wife..."_  
  
Ethan quickly interjects.  
  
_"Look, I...I wish Cos and I had started our relationship under different circumstances but I don't regret being with her. When we met my marriage was already over. It's still over. We just have to get all the paperwork filed. I'm serious about Costia. I am."_  
  
Lexa firmly nods once.  
  
_"Good. I'm glad she has you."  
  
"It wasn't my intention...to meddle. I'm sorry again."  
  
"Can I ask you a question now?"  
  
"It would only be fair."  
  
"Is she happy?"  
  
"I'd like to think so, yeah."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Does she hate me?"  
  
"I think she likes to tell herself that she does but, honestly, I don't think she could. Cos wasn't built to hate, you or anyone else. Her heart is too big."_  
  
Lexa let's the words seep in and she processes them in silence.  
  
_"We probably shouldn't tell her about this conversation."  
  
"I'd be very okay with that."  
  
"Good night Ethan."  
  
"Good night Mrs. Griffin-Woods."  
  
"Lexa. You can call me Lexa."_  
  
Ethan smiles at Lexa.  
  
_"Good night Lexa."_  
  
Ethan turns and makes his way towards Costia's bedroom leaving Lexa alone in the living room once again.

* * *

After her conversation with Ethan Lexa retreated to her office and read for a few hours. When sleep never came, she decided to move to her favorite armchair in the living room and watch the sun rise.  
  
Before claiming her seat Lexa stops by the kitchen and begins the process of making herself a warm cup of tea to stave off the cold she's beginning to feel forming in the back of her throat. In hindsight, staying out in freezing weather for hours was most definitely a terrible idea.  
  
Lexa waits by the stove for the water to boil when Costia unexpectedly walks into the kitchen. She's got shoes on and carries her guitar in her right hand. She looks like she's coming back from somewhere, which confuses Lexa.  
  
Costia jolts when she sees Lexa standing on the other end of the kitchen.  
  
_"Jesus fuck."_ Costia rests her head against the wall trying to compose herself. _"What are you doing up?!"  
  
"Haven't gone to bed."  
  
"Fuck. You scared the fucking shit out of me."  
  
"That mouth of yours Costia...seriously." _ Costia doesn't acknowledge the comment and opens the fridge scanning its contents with lazy interest. Lexa's curiosity gets the best of her and she has to ask. _"Where were you?"_ Costia turns to look at her with a raised brow. _"You look like you're coming from somewhere but it's not even five thirty in the morning."_  
  
Costia pulls out a water bottle and gulps down half the contents in one fell swoop.  
  
_"Come with me."_  
  
Costia walks towards Clarke's home studio located in the back of the apartment and past the kitchen.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Lexa looks at her utterly confused.  
  
_"Just...move."_  
  
Costia tells Lexa impatiently. Lexa doesn't question it. She turns the stove off and follows her daughter down the hallway and into Clarke's studio.  
  
_"Close the door."_  
  
Lexa does as she's told. Costia stands almost eerily still, guitar still in hand, and something clearly on her mind.  
  
_"Cos..."_  
  
Costia interrupts Lexa immediately.  
  
_"Shhhhh. Just...shhh. Give me a second."_  
  
Clarke made Costia promise she would have a conversation with Lexa. Costia technically didn't agree, but Clarke asked and she said she would try. This is her trying.  
  
_"I'm as bad at talking as you are sometimes. I hate to admit, but I am. The important things…they just...they don't come out. And honestly, fuck that. It fucking sucks."_  
  
Lexa leans against the wall by the door and gives her daughter a chance to get her thoughts together.  
  
_"I can't talk but I can write. I can't...tell you things, but maybe I could play them. Just...don't say anything. Please. Just stay there and listen."_  
  
Lexa simply nods to let Costia know she understood.  
  
Costia sits on the floor and strums the guitar a couple of times. She's trying to find the best way to explain what's going on inside her head to Lexa.  
  
_"I didn't get it. The first couple of months after he died I was so confused. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening to you. You had always been there. Always. Then you weren't. You checked out. I was just a kid and I didn't understand."_  
  
Costia pauses trying to figure out what to say next.  
  
_"I wrote this a few weeks after you came home from staying at Aunt Anya's place. It's all the things that little girl wanted to tell you but that you didn't seem to want to hear. I've never played this for anyone else. I also haven’t played it in years so I don’t know how this is going to go but It's called 'All About You'."_  
  
Costia strums her guitar and begins to sing. She never lifts her eyes from the floor to look at Lexa.  
  
_"Why does she make sure to be so immature about these things, I don’t want you to change around it  
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it_

 _And you say that it's alright  
And I know that it’s a lie  
From the black in your eyes  
  
You don’t have to do this on your own  
Like there’s no one that cares about you  
You don’t have to act like you're alone  
Like the walls are closing in around you  
You don’t have to pretend no one knows  
Like there’s no one that understands you  
I’m not just some face you used to know  
I know all about you  
  
And you should know that someone cares about you  
I know all about you  
  
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize_  
_You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye  
  
__And you say that it's alright  
And I know that it’s a lie  
From the black in your eyes  
  
You don’t have to do this on your own  
Like there’s no one that cares about you  
You don’t have to act like you're alone  
Like the walls are closing in around you  
You don’t have to pretend no one knows  
Like there’s no one that understands you  
I’m not just some face you used to know  
I know all about you  
  
And you should know that someone cares about you  
I know all about you  
And you should know that someone cares about you  
I know all about you_  
  
_And you say that it's alright  
And I know that it’s a lie  
From the black in your eyes  
  
Here I am still holding on  
You’re finding ways to break the bonds,  
They’re stronger than you realize  
And you could say that I’ve not tried,  
I’ve let you down, left you behind  
But you’re the one who’s saying goodbye  
  
And you don’t have to do this on your own  
Like there’s no one that cares about you  
You don’t have to act like you're alone  
Like the walls are closing in around you  
  
You don’t have to pretend no one knows  
Like there’s no one that understands you  
I’m not just some face you used to know  
I know all about you  
I know all about you."_  
  
Costia finishes playing and sits in absolute silence. Lexa stares at the ceiling doing her best to keep her equanimity intact. Neither of them says a word or even moves until Costia speaks once more.  
  
_"This one, this one I wrote when mom kicked you out. I was angry. I was so angry at you all the time. It felt great to see you go. I should've never been in a position where I was...relieved that my mother was out of our lives but I was, I was happy when you left. That's the honest truth. This is called 'Keep On Walking'."_  
  
Costia strums her guitar with a bit more gusto. This song is much more uptempo. It definitely has a more vibrant vibe than the one before.  
  
_"Something’s happening you can’t see  
(On your way, go on your way)  
We are rolling on stormy seas  
(On your way, go on your way)  
You don’t like when I disagree  
(On your way, go on your way)  
The lies you’re spinning, you’re changing me  
(On your way, go on your way)  
  
But all that glitters is not gold  
From the bruises flowers grow  
I feel so much better now you’re not around  
There’s no one to kick me while I’m down  
No one to burn my bridges anymore  
So keep on walking  
‘Cause I’m not here to make you feel good  
To dry up your tears and apologize for you_  
_I feel so much better now you’re not around  
So keep on walking out  
Ohhhhh  
  
You’ve been whispering way too loud  
(On your way, go on your way)  
You don’t say sorry, you’re far too proud  
(On your way, go on your way)  
  
But all that glitters is not gold  
I stayed up to watch you go  
I feel so much better now you’re not around  
There’s no one to kick me while I’m down  
No one to burn my bridges anymore  
So keep on walking  
'Cause I’m not here to make you feel good  
To dry off your tears and apologize for you  
I feel so much better now you’re not around  
So keep on walking out, out,  
Oh, oh, oh  
You know I’m happy now, oh  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."_  
  
Lexa wipes her eyes before the tears have a chance to fall freely. Costia asked her to listen and if she allows herself to get upset she knows her mind will get derailed.  
  
_"I'll play you one more. A few minutes ago you asked where I was...I was sitting in the stairs writing. I've been there for the past couple of hours. I couldn't get this melody out of my head but I didn't want to wake everyone up so I went to the stairs and played until I had this down. Those others songs are from a long time ago, this one is from today. Where I am right now. How you and all this fucking bullshit we can't seem to get over makes me feel at the moment. It's called 'Forgiveness'."_  
  
Costia looks up at Lexa for the first time since they walked into the studio. This time Costia has no intention of looking at anything except her mother.  
  
_"You hurt me bad this time, no coming back  
And I cried till I couldn't cry, another heart attack  
If I lay on the floor, maybe I'll wake up  
And I don't pick up when you call  
'Cause your voice is a gun  
Every word is a bullet hole  
Shot a hole in the sun  
If I never look up maybe I'll never notice  
  
And you, you want forgiveness  
But I, I just can't do it yet  
  
There's still a thread that runs from your body to mine  
And you can't break what you don't see, an invisible line  
If I follow it down will we just be alright?_  
_But it could take me all your life to learn to love  
How I thought I could love someone  
I haven't even begun  
If it's all up to us we might as well give up  
  
And you, you want forgiveness  
(I can barely hang on to myself)  
But I, I can't give you that  
(I can't give you, I can't give you that)  
And you, you want forgiveness  
(I'm afraid that I'll have nothing left)  
But I, I just can't do it yet  
(I can't do, I just can't do it yet)  
  
Don't you go and get it twisted  
Forgiving is not forgetting  
Don't you go and get it twisted  
Forgiving is not forgetting  
No, it's not forgetting  
No, I'll never forget it, no_  
  
_And you, you want forgiveness  
(I can barely hang on to myself)  
But I, I can't give you that  
(I can't give you, I can't give you that)  
And you, you want forgiveness  
(I'm afraid that I'll have nothing left)  
But I, I just can't do it yet  
(I can't do, I just can't do it yet)."_  
  
Somehow they both managed to make it through the entire song without breaking down. The moment she's done playing Costia rushes to her feet and beelines for the door.  
  
_"I don't know how to actually talk to you yet, but maybe one day I will. I don't know Lexa. I don't. Right now that's the best I can give you."_  
  
Costia and Lexa stare intently at each other. After processing Costia’s words Lexa nods once to assure her daughter she understands.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Costia mimics her mother's nod to acknowledge her words of gratitude and exits the room.  
  
The moment she can gage Costia's steps sound far away enough and that it's safe for her not to return to the studio, Lexa's tears pour out of her with an intensity she doesn't recall feeling in many years.

No one except the two of them is ever made privy to the fact that this early morning exchange or those songs ever happened.

* * *

_"Please don't wait this long to come home again."_ Clarke tells Costia as they embrace at the Domestic Departures terminal of JFK on early Sunday afternoon. _"If you need help with the flight or anything just let us know. It's not a problem. Okay?"  
_  
Costia nods and removes herself from the hug.  
  
_"I'll be back soon. Promise."  
  
"Good."  
  
"It was great to meet you Ethan."  
  
"Tha..."_  
  
Ethan is about to reply but is interrupted when, much to everyone's bewilderment, Costia walks up to Lexa and hugs her goodbye.  
  
_"See you around Lexa."_  
  
The last time Costia and Lexa hugged was the day they dropped her off for her first day at Berklee.  
  
_"See you around Costia."_  
  
Lexa has barely wrapped her arms around Costia when Costia pulls away.  
  
Clarke knows the best way to normalize this situation is to not make a big deal out of it. She is well aware both Costia and Lexa would prefer it that way. In a snap decision Clarke turns to Anya and comes up with an excuse to reinitiate the conversation.  
  
_"Can you email or text me your return flight information? I can't seem to find it."  
  
"I land two Sundays from now at 4 PM."  
  
"I'm not going to remember that. Text me."_  
  
Anya rolls her eyes and hugs Clarke.  
  
_"I'll see you in a couple of weeks, mom."  
  
"Let me know if her dorm is clean and make sure this new boy isn't bad news. If he is, lock him in a closet or something."_  
  
Clarke attempts to whisper into Anya's ear.  
  
_"I'm literally standing right here. I can hear you."_  
  
Roa let's her know she clearly failed. Clarke shrugs nonchalantly and smiles as Anya moves away and towards Lexa. Clarke instantly pulls Roa in for a hug.  
  
_"Good luck with finals."  
  
"Thanks mom."_  
  
Roa kisses Clarke's cheek. Next to them Anya leans in to hug Lexa goodbye.  
  
_"To the moon?"  
  
"And back."_ Lexa taps Anya's nose and winks at her. _"See you in a few days."_  
  
_"Love you momma."  
  
"Love you too."_  
  
Anya steps aside giving Roa a chance to say her goodbyes to Lexa.  
  
_"Thank you for the study session. It really helped."  
  
"I'm glad. If you need to talk through any new reading materials he hands out just email me and I'll look them over."  
  
"You're the best."  
  
"I know."_  
  
Lexa smiles and Roa kisses her cheek.  
  
_"You guys should probably go. As much as I want to keep you for longer I don't want it to be because you missed your flight."_  
  
The four of them were boarding a plane to Chicago. Ethan was spending two days with them before he had to go back to work but Costia and Anya were staying with Roa for an entire week. Next Sunday the two older girls would head to LA. Anya would spend a week with Costia before returning to New York to start looking for a job and properly start her adult life.  
  
The foursome turns and heads towards the airport security line. Clarke, Lexa, and Aden stay behind and watch them until they clear the metal detectors. The four young travelers wave one final time from right beyond security before they head to their gate.  
  
_"It's just the three of us again buddy."_  
  
Lexa tells Aden while they watch Roa, Anya, and Costia disappear into the crowd.  
  
_"It's okay. They're really loud. I couldn't hear my cartoons."_  
  
Clarke and Lexa laugh at how unconcerned he seems.  
  
_"Let's go home."_  
  
Clarke instructs them. Aden instinctively lifts his hand to grabs Lexa's and the trio makes their way to the exit.  
  
_"Can we have a snack before we go?"  
  
"No."_  
  
Clarke shuts that idea down without a shred of hesitation. Aden grumbles but keeps walking anyway.

* * *

Later that night, Aden tiptoes down the hallway making his way to the master bedroom. His breath is quick and shallow but he tries to keep himself under control. He continually looks over his shoulder, clearly terrified that something might be behind him.  
  
_"Jake would be brave. Jake would be brave."_  
  
Aden repeats to himself under his breath and almost immediately he stands a little taller.  
  
Aden reaches the bedroom knob and closes his eyes before he turns it. He is making a silent wish. There's other times when he's been scared and he's tried to come sleep in the big bed but he's found the door locked and from where he stood he could hear his moms making funny noises. He always assumes they're having bad dreams too so he runs back to his room and hides in the dresser until he isn't scared anymore. Tonight he turns the knob and it isn't locked. He breathes a sigh of relief and steps inside through the small crack that forms once he slightly pushes the door. Aden pokes his head into the bedroom and finds Lexa looking at him from the bed.  
  
Lexa's sleep patterns - or lack there of - haven't changed much since Jake died. Sometimes her sleeping pills will do their job but sometimes they won't and she'll be awake for most, if not all, of the night. Tonight was one of those exhausting nights.  
  
Aden and Lexa's eyes meet. Aden has nightmares often meaning that seeing him sneak into their room is nothing new for Lexa. She smiles and waves him over trying not to wake Clarke. Aden swiftly moves to Lexa's side of the room and climbs into bed.  
  
_"I think there's a monster in my room."_  
  
Aden whispers slightly distraught.  
  
_"We checked before you went to bed, Aden. There are no monsters hiding there."  
  
"That was a long time ago. Maybe they could've come in."_  
  
Lexa shakes her head and lifts his body so he's resting under the covers in between her and Clarke.  
  
_"Well, there are no monsters here so sleep. I'll keep an eye out just in case."  
  
"Did you check your closet to make sure?"  
  
"Definitely no monsters in the closet."_  
  
_"Only one monster lives in this house and he's shoving his elbow into my stomach."_  
  
Clarke's gravely voice makes Aden and Lexa turn. Clarke gently pushes the chubby arm that was stabbing her on the side away and throws her own arm over Aden's stomach.  
  
_"I heard something under my bed."  
  
"We'll check again tomorrow but I'm pretty sure that was nothing. Maybe it was just Sharkie."_  
  
Clarke mumbles barely coherent. Aden fervently shakes his head no.  
  
_"Sharkie is sleeping in the hallway. She wasn't in my room."  
  
"Whatever it was, it can't get you here. Sleep. It's early. How early is it Lex?"  
  
"3:18"_  
  
Clarke groans.  
  
_"Way too early. Both of you...shush and sleep."_  
  
Lexa softly chuckles and runs her hands over Aden's forehead pushing his blonde hair back and kissing the warm skin underneath.  
  
_"I won't let anything get you. It's okay."_  
  
Aden fully relaxes into the mattress and now they all lay still.  
  
_"Momma..."_ Lexa hums acknowledging him. _"Was he scared of things? Like monsters."_  
  
Lexa didn't need to be told who "he" was to understand exactly who Aden was talking about.  
  
_"He was never scared of monsters, but he was of other things."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"He really didn't like squirrels or thunder. He actually hated both of those things. Storms were rough on him."  
  
"Oh...okay."_  
  
Aden's voice tells Lexa he wants to ask more, but he doesn't. In that moment, Clarke shifts closer to Aden and starts caressing his pudgy stomach.  
  
_"You can ask us anything you want about your brother, you know that right?"_ Clarke kisses the side of her son's head. _"Whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. As many questions as you want. Okay?"_  
  
_"It won't make you sad?"  
  
"Maybe it will. Maybe just a little, but it's good to talk about it. We can talk about him with you if that is something you ever want."_  
  
Aden turns to Lexa looking for reassurance.  
  
_"You won't be sad momma?"_  
  
Lexa smiles and kisses the side of Jake's head.  
  
_"I might, but it's okay."  
  
"I don't want to make you sad."  
  
"You don't have to worry about that. You can always come to us with whatever questions you have and if it's appropriate then we will answer it. Deal?"_  
  
Aden nods.  
  
_"Deal."_  
  
Clarke yawns and nuzzles further into Aden.  
  
_"Can we sleep now?"  
_  
Lexa chuckles and turns her body in order to easily throw her arm over Aden's stomach and allow her hand to rest on Clarke's waist.  
  
_"We can sleep mommy."_  
  
Aden replies and closes his eyes feeling comfortable with both his mothers draped over him.  
  
Clarke's breath starts to even out again as she slowly fades back into slumber before Aden's hesitant voice breaks the silence.  
  
_"Do you think he would've liked playing with me?"_  
  
Lexa is glad the room is as dark as it is because her eyes immediately swell with tears that threaten to fall. She speaks without an ounce of hesitation.  
  
_"Aden, your brother would've loved that more than anything."  
  
"You think so?"  
  
"I'm sure of it."_  
  
Aden nods and with a sense of relief washing over his body he closes his eyes once more.  
  
_"Ok. I think I would've liked playing with him too.”_  
  
Those are the last words any of them utter that night. Aden falls asleep without noticing the silent tears that Clarke and Lexa shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop some comments below!!! Scream at me for the long wait, or the crazy long chapter, or anything you feel like. I really want to hear what you guys think about the story thus far. I've missed interacting and talking about the characters with you.
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	31. April & November 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From a month and a half to four days between an update. That's a significant improvement :)
> 
> The core of this chapter was written probably about a year and a half ago, maybe two. And it wasn't even one of the first ones I wrote. It's crazy how long I was working on this before I actually posted it. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**April 25 2015**

It's a balmy Saturday afternoon and twenty five year old Lexa has been up since the day broke dissecting case files. Lately weekends have become an extension of the work week for Lexa. In January she was hired as one of the new Assistant Prosecuting Attorneys at the White Collar division of the Manhattan District Attorney's office. Being an Assistant Prosecuting Attorney put Lexa at the very bottom of the DA's office hierarchy totem pole and, as it tends to happen with the fresh blood, the people around her never failed to repeatedly remind her. It's one of the reasons why Lexa was working as hard as she was. She wanted to earn their respect and make them understand that she deserved to be there just as much, if not more, than any of the political hires. Lexa needed her co-workers to understand that just because she was a woman, and a queer woman at that, didn't mean she couldn't deliver results in the courtroom. Furthermore, this was the first case that she wasn’t dropped into halfway through. She got to be a part of this one from the very beginning and she’s set on dazzling everyone involved. Her boss, taking advantage of her evident overachieving tendencies, was making certain that he got every ounce of labor out of her that he could which is why Lexa could never seem to avoid taking work home.   
  
Lexa sits on the floor with overflowing open folders spread in every direction around her. Once Clarke started working as Dante's assistant at the gallery and Lexa got her job at the DA's office, they upgraded from the shitty one bedroom apartment they shared when they got engaged to an equally shitty two bedroom apartment because at least a second bedroom meant that Clarke could use the extra space as her studio. Their new rental was not a complete dump, but it was far from extravagant. Clarke and Lexa would very much rather put their money into Clarke's IVF treatments as well as securing their future with savings and small time investments than paying for a bigger, nicer place to live. Cutting corners on rent and settling for smaller living arrangements meant that at the moment Lexa's “home office” was nothing more than a desk in the already cramped living room. Lexa is truthfully not bothered by it because she hardly ever uses it anyway. Lexa has discovered that the most effective way to get to the core of cases is by laying out all of the evidence on the floor and absorbing it all in piece by piece. Every time Clarke chastises her for the mess - and she always does, religiously - Lexa retorts with _"The floor is much more spacious than a desk Clarke"_. The seriousness in Lexa's voice never fails to make Clarke laugh.  
  
Clarke pretends to hate when Lexa sits unmoved on the floor for hours, but she doesn't. Not even remotely. Those afternoons or nights always offer Clarke the opportunity to sit on the couch and sketch her fiancée. Clarke gets to take every inch of Lexa's face in and capture her delicate features on paper. Clarke studies the ways Lexa’s temple knots when she's focusing incredibly hard, or the way her jaw locks when she's frustrated, or how she plays with her hair when she's simply reading over documents. Clarke analyzes Lexa's every mannerism and each time she comes away with something new to love dearly. As much as she tends to detest how consumed Lexa gets in her work, Clarke tries to find the silver lining and appreciates the good things it offers her.  
  
Lexa moves some files from one pile to another as she reorganizes the evidence across from her in a more effective way. She's so engrossed with trying to come up with a better system that she completely misses the sound of the front door opening and closing.  
  
Clarke sets down a few gallons of paint by one of the living room walls and moves further into the apartment while still carrying a five by seven cardboard envelope and her phone. The twenty two year old had left the house early that morning with the excuse of needing to buy more paint and art supplies. Lexa had not questioned it. Technically, Clarke had done just that, but that wasn't the only reason she left the house.  
  
Lexa is so enveloped in her reading that, while on some level she acknowledges that someone else is in the house and that the only person who that could be is Clarke, the presence of another human doesn't properly register with her. Clarke is used to this by now. It's how Lexa gets when she's diving into a case. Clarke walks over to Lexa and hovers over her fiancée.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Clarke waits for an answer. Lexa's concentration isn't broken. Clarke rolls her eyes and resorts to the one thing that will predictably get her Lexa's attention. Clarke bends down, holds Lexa's cheeks with her hands in turn repositioning her face, and brings their lips together. Lexa instantly melts into the kiss and hums when Clarke's tongue meets hers. It's over much too soon to Lexa's liking and just as she was starting to forget work existed Clarke pulls away smiling.  
  
_"Hey."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Hi."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Figure out the case yet?"_  
  
Clarke asks as she runs her hands through Lexa's hair.  
  
_"It's not my job to do that Clarke. I'm just the Assistant Prosecutor. I interview the witnesses and victims, I go over the reports, and I do all the research to help plan the prosecution but I don't get to try things. Not yet."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I know baby. You explain it every time I ask."_  
  
Clarke chuckles and pecks Lexa's lips.  
  
_"But..."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"There's a 'but'?"_  
  
Lexa hums and ruffles through her papers until she finds the correct one to show Clarke.  
  
_"I thought I had an in earlier. That fell through once I found Exhibit T."_  
  
Lexa tells her with a heavy hint of frustration.  
  
_"Damn that Exhibit T!"_  
  
Clarke replies in a mocking tone.  
  
_“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.”_

Clarke glosses over Lexa’s seriousness and gets to the point she’s trying to make.  
  
_"Wanna come sit with me on the couch for a little bit?"_  
  
Lexa groans.  
  
_"I wish. I really have to keep going through this."_ _  
__  
__"Five minutes. Please. I just want to talk to you for a moment."_ Lexa looks conflicted and tries to argue but Clarke kisses her one more time. _"Please."_  
  
Clarke mumbles into Lexa's mouth prior to sucking on Lexa's bottom lip right before she backs away. Lexa looks up at her with glassy eyes, nods, and gets up. Clarke had a strong feeling that would convince her. Clarke allows Lexa to walk in front so she can sneakily press record on her phone and rest it against the candle on the table assuring that the couch is in frame. This is all on video now.  
  
_"What's in the envelope?"_  
  
Lexa inquires as Clarke tries to contain her smile.  
  
_"Be patient. Come sit."_  
  
Most of the time it's hard to get anything past Lexa. She's quickly figured out that something is afoot but instead of saying anything, she plays along, sits on the couch, and lets things unfold. Clarke perches herself on Lexa's lap, wraps her arms around Lexa's neck, and rests their foreheads together. Lexa uses one of her hands to lazily trace circles on Clarke's lower back. Clarke leans in and kisses Lexa. When the kiss begins to escalate, as their kisses tend to do fairly quickly, Clarke has to force herself to cut it short before it gets to the point where her brain gets foggy. Clarke break the kiss and separates their lips only the necessary amount for her to speak.  
  
_"You know I love you, right?"_ _  
__  
__"You're acting strange, Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"Am I?"_  
  
Clarke's face beams, radiant because she can't disguise her smile.  
  
_"You are."_  
  
Clarke extends the envelope she's been nervously holding between her fingers towards Lexa.  
  
_"Open it."_ _  
__  
__"What's in it?"_  
  
Lexa looks at it curiously without taking it.  
  
_"Lexa...open it."_  
  
Lexa does as she's told. Inside the envelope there's a postcard sized painting. By the style and the use of color, Lexa can easily recognize the artist behind it as Clarke. The shades Clarke primarily used were ballet slipper and rose pinks alongside pale tints of azure. There were also splashes of teal and violet. The shapes make out... _something_...but Lexa can't quite place it because it's much too abstract to be easily deciphered.  
  
_"This is beautiful Clarke."_ _  
__  
__"You think so."_ _  
__  
__"It is."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke and smiles genuinely.  
  
_"What do you think we should do with it?"_ _  
__  
__"I don't know. It's kind of small to hang. I guess we could just put it on the fridge. I really love it."_ _  
__  
__"I don't know about the fridge."_  
  
By now Clarke's attempt to keep a somewhat neutral expression has failed and her entire face is lit up. She's impatient for Lexa to catch on, but she is also refusing to spell it out. Clarke is willing to keep this going for as long as she can.  
  
_"What's wrong with the fridge? We put your art on the fridge all the time."_ _  
__  
__"True, but I think this one's more special."_  
  
Lexa looks at the small surface again.  
  
_"It_ **is** _very good. Where else could we put it?"_  
  
Lexa’s eyes scan the entire apartment. Every surface is covered in Clarke's art or pictures of the two of them alone or with friends. Lexa can’t, for the life of her, figure out where they would put a postcard when there's canvases the size of the full walls already hung.  
  
_"Maybe we could get a frame for it and put it on my desk?"_  
  
Clarke cackles because her fiancèe is brilliant but boy can she also be clueless sometimes.  
  
_"Nah, I don't think a frame would do."_  
  
_"Well...now you're just being difficult Clarke."_ Clarke rolls her eyes dramatically but her smile remains unaffected. _"You already decided where we're putting this, didn't you? You always do this. You love to pretend like I get a say in things, but it always ends up being done your way anyway and -"_ _  
_  
Lexa is cut off when Clarke can't help but kiss her.  
  
_"Babe...look at it again."_  
  
Lexa closely examines the artwork for about thirty seconds. She's truly attempting to analyze it.  
  
_"I like the colors. They're an interesting choice but I think the overall palette works. The brush strokes seem very detailed and intentional. Really good work."_  
  
By now Clarke is full on belly laughing because how dense can this girl be?  
  
_"Ok...colors and brush strokes aside, what do you think?"_  
  
At this point Lexa is just **_LOST_** because she has no idea what else she can say about this little seven inch piece. She's certain she's covered all of it. She has no clue what Clarke is looking for, but she sure as hell is going to try because by the look on her face Lexa surmised that this seems to be important to Clarke.  
  
_"I think it's really complex. The abstract aspect of it really grabs my attention, you know? I think there's a lot of emotion behind it."_  
  
Clarke face is buried in Lexa's neck in an attempt to drown out her loud snickering.  
  
_"Lex...look at it. What is it?"_  
  
Lexa looks at the thing in her hands very intently, trying to figure it out, because if Clarke is making such a big fuss there's obviously a point. When she fails to notice anything of importance the way she was originally holding it, Lexa opts to flip it around forcing herself to look at it from different perspectives.  
  
_"Well, I guess it depends what angle you're looking at it from."_ Lexa turns the postcard ninety degrees. _"Like this it could be a really trippy mushroom but if you turn it like this..."_ Lexa turns it two hundred and seventy degrees. _"...it could perhaps look like it may be a human baby and..."_  
  
_"Uhummm."_  
  
Clarke tries to encourage Lexa.  
  
_"I don't know Clarke. I think it's either a mushroom or a pink and blue baby. Maybe."_  
  
Clarke doesn't respond and Lexa keeps staring at it.  
  
_"Where could we put a pink and blue baby Lex?"_ _  
__  
__"No. Tell me where_ **you** _want to put it. We already established you know where it's going. I'm sure I won’t object. Just tell me."_  
  
Clarke pulls Lexa closer to her body and holds her tighter because, _holy shit_ , she adores this girl almost irrationally.  
  
_"How about the studio?"_ _  
__  
__"Why the studio? You have huge canvases in there. It's just going to get lost. Besides, these colors will be jarring with the walls."_ _  
__  
__"I bought paint."_  
  
Clarke points out to the cans of wall paint sitting on the floor.    
  
_"Clarke...you want to paint the spare room so we can hang this?"_ _  
__  
__"No, I want to paint those walls because I want the nursery to have a mural. I think this…”_ Clarke points at the thing Lexa is holding. _“...will go great with it."_  
  
Clarke simply leaves it at that. She doesn't add anything else.  
  
_"Clarke why would we need a nur...oh."_ Lexa's brain finally kicks into high gear and her eyes grow about seven times larger. _"_ **OH.** _No..."_  
  
Clarke's eyes begin to get teary as she nods at Lexa.  
  
_"My mom says ten weeks. I was just there. I wanted to be sure before I told you."_ _  
__  
__"Clarke..."_  
  
Tears begin pooling in Lexa's eyes and she tries her best to keep her composure but her attempts seem to be failing pretty miserably.

Just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, Lexa had told Clarke that her wish for the new year was for them to start trying for a baby. Clarke knew how important having a family was to Lexa and because she was indubitably sure that Lexa was who she would be spending the rest of her life with, Clarke finally relented. Abby was familiar with the doctors who ran the Reproductive & Fertility department at Mount Sinai Hospital. Their team had what seemed to be the most innovative technology when it came to helping LGBT couples conceive children that were biologically related to both same sex parents. Abby pulled strings to get Clarke and Lexa into the appointment schedule and by mid January they were going through with their first IVF attempt.

Lexa tried her best to hide how dejected she was when that first round failed to produce successful results. Lexa played her own sadness down and brushed it off as nothing, but Clarke knew. Clarke is always in tune with how Lexa feels. Because she knew how the news had affected Lexa, Clarke then insisted they try again in February. Their appointment was set for Friday February 20th. A few weeks later Clarke took a home pregnancy test and the result was _“negative”_. Lexa had braced for bad news this time and it didn’t affect her as much as the first one had. When it wasn’t what they were hoping for, they agreed to hold off for a few months. They made the decision to wait, at least until Lexa was more settled at her new job but they acquiesced on the fact that they would certainly try again before the end of the year. Little did they know that Clarke’s test had given a false negative. Clarke had either simply taken the test too early or that particular test was defective.

For the next few weeks both of them did their best to put it the idea of children in the back of their minds and focus on other things. It wasn’t until about a week before this moment, when Clarke couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling that something was _definitely_ off with her, that she took another test on a night that she knew Lexa would be working late. It flashed positive almost immediately. Clarke took a second one to be sure and it now came out as inconclusive. For a few days Clarke thought maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe the positive result was the one that was wrong. Clarke couldn’t pinpoint the moment she had become this invested in being pregnant, but she found herself trying to taper off her own expectations in order to not be disappointed if it didn’t turn out to be what she now wished for. She didn’t want to get her own hopes up, but most importantly not Lexa’s. While she considered whether or not to loop in her mother, Clarke began mindlessly sketching on one of the pads she kept in her bag in order to kill time while commuting on the subway. That sketch became the piece that Lexa was now holding. When Clarke finished it late on a Friday night, she realized she had to know beyond any doubt and asked Abby to meet her at the hospital on Saturday morning. The moment Abby assured her she was in fact ten weeks along, Clarke headed home making a pit stop at the hardware store on the way.  
  
_"...are you joking? How?! It said it didn’t work. You're not joking are you? You're not?"_  
  
Clarke lets out a wet laugh.  
  
_"I promise I'm not."_ Clarke brings her face closer to Lexa's and rests their foreheads together. _"It worked."_ _  
_  
Lexa's tears fall freely because outside of the day Clarke said yes to marrying her this may be the best day of her life. Lexa doesn't think she's ever been this happy.  
  
_"...a baby."_ Lexa almost whispers. _"You're sure your mom didn't make a mistake or anything?"_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss Lexa because she's precious when she's exasperated and she is definitely exasperated right now.  
  
_"Lex..."_ Clarke kisses Lexa again. _"No mistake."_  
  
Finally, Lexa lets the news set in for real.  
  
_"Good."_ Lexa relaxes for a second then her mind goes into overdrive. _"You're okay? Is the baby okay? Everything is good? Don't we need to get you vitamins and...why did you carry those cans of paint up the stairs?! You could've hurt yourself!"_ _  
_  
Clarke rolls her eyes.  
  
_"Okay. Rule number one: you're not allowed to treat me any differently. I'm pregnant, not made of glass. I can take the elevator up four floors while holding a couple cans of paint without hurting our baby."_  
  
Lexa's breath catches on her throat at the weight of those words. _Our baby_. **Their baby**. They're actually, seriously, truly doing this. There's no going back now.  
  
Lexa makes the single most adorable face Clarke has ever seen her fiancèe make. Clarke untangles her arms from Lexa's neck and leans forward to grab the phone which is sitting on the table recording the entire exchange. She brings it up to Lexa’s face.  
  
_"You were videoing this?!"_ _  
__  
__"Mom and I made a bet on whether you would cry or not. She didn't think you would, which is pretty funny because...it's you, but also great because she now owes me a couple nights of babysitting. She’ll take on diapers for a few hours so that we can eventually get away from the baby and have alone time. I knew I needed proof."_ Lexa looks at Clarke bewildered. _"How do you feel?"_  
  
Clarke pushes the phone entirely too close to Lexa's face. As much as Lexa hates it, she can't help but smile.  
  
_"Happy. I'm happy."_  
  
Clarke thinks that’s the perfect way to end the recording and stops the video. Lexa looks awe struck. Clarke places the phone down on the table and moves back to rest her body against Lexa's.  
  
_"What are you thinking?"_  
  
Clarke sometimes had to pry things out of Lexa, but quite often once Lexa was over the initial hesitation of sharing her feelings on a certain topic it would all pour out of her.  
  
_"Nothing. Everything. I'm..."_ Lexa mind was all over the place. _"Oh! Do you think it can hear me?"_ _  
_  
Lexa asks genuinely curious. Clarke's face hurts from smiling by now because, how could she not?  
  
_"It's about the size of a strawberry right now. I doubt it can, but you can try."_ _  
__  
__"You've seen it?!"_ _  
__  
__"No. No, I wouldn't do that without you. Just one of the things mom mentioned."_ _  
__  
__"A strawberry sized baby? That's..."_ Lexa lifts Clarke's shirt up to reveal her midsection. _"There's a baby in there, Clarke."_ _  
_  
Lexa sounds like a child with a new toy. She's full of excitement and fascination.  
  
_"I know. They're the reason I've been cranky and throwing up everything I eat for weeks."_  
  
Lexa runs her thumb over Clarke's skin and leans her face in closer to the exposed belly button.  
  
_"Kick if you can hear me."_  
  
Clarke hangs her head back in laughter.  
  
_"You're crazy."_ _  
__  
__"I think I felt something!"_  
  
Clarke laughs again.  
  
_"No. No you didn't."_ Clarke chuckles at the innocent absurdity of the statement. _"It’s too early for that. Mom says the baby is moving already but we can't feel it yet."_ _  
__  
__"I definitely just did Clarke."_ _  
_  
Clarke shakes her head but decides not to fight Lexa on it.  
  
_"Crazy. So crazy."_  
  
Lexa looks back at her hand on Clarke's stomach.  
  
_"This is..."_ Lexa's mind is thoroughly blown. She's struggling to find appropriate words because every time she thinks about the fact that there is a piece of both her and Clarke growing into a new human being just a few inches from her palm her brain feels like it's gone to mush. _"I'm your mom."_ Lexa speaks softly into Clarke's skin. Clarke brings her hand to Lexa's head and begins caressing her hair as Lexa speaks. _"I don't know how I love you this much already but I'm excited to meet you."_ Clarke would without a doubt blame the hormones if anyone asked why she was crying. _"I didn't have a mom growing up and because of that there's a lot I don't know but I'm going to learn as much as I can before you get here."_ Lexa looks up at Clarke with wide eyes. _"I need to go to the bookstore."_  
  
_"Of course you do."_ Clarke retorts sarcastically and not at all surprised that was one of Lexa's first thoughts. _"Can you at least get through the ones you bought last time before you go out and get more?"_  
  
_"Those are parenting books, not pregnancy books. I want to know what's happening to both of you."_ _  
__  
__"...or you could just call my mom if you have any questions?"_  
  
_"It's not the same."_ _  
__  
__"Insane. That's what you are. Absolutely."_ Clarke kisses her. _"Completely."_ Clarke kisses once more. _"Batshit."_ Clarke kisses Lexa a third time to punctuate her final word.  
  
Lexa stares at her hand on Clarke's stomach and a billion thoughts flood through her brain until one unnerves her enough that it needs to be verbalized.  
  
_"Do you think they'll love me? What if I'm awful at this?"_  
  
Clarke can sense the sudden insecurity in Lexa's voice. She immediately looks to comfort her.  
  
_"Lex, our baby will adore you. I have no doubt in my mind."_  
  
_**Our baby**._ There it is again. Lexa nods and internalizes Clarke’s answer.  
  
_"Right. Yeah. Okay."_  
  
Clarke yelps when Lexa unexpectedly picks her up and lays her flat on the couch. Lexa lifts her shirt to properly look at her midsection.  
  
_"There's a baby growing in there."_  
  
Clarke tucks her arm under her head so she can more comfortably look down at Lexa.  
  
_"Uhum."_  
  
Lexa places a tender kiss right above Clarke's belly button. She adjusts her eyeline to look up at Clarke.  
  
_"We're a family now."_  
  
Clarke’s tears fall even harder, but they're undoubtedly happy tears.  
  
_"We are."_  
  
Lexa turns back to Clarke's abdomen and addresses it again.  
  
_"I'm always going to be there no matter what you need. I promise."_  
  
Lexa meant every single one of those words at the time. It was one of the few promises that she ever broke in her life and certainly the one that haunted her the most.

* * *

**November 19, 2015**

Fast forward about thirty weeks when the much anticipated baby Costia is finally a - very noisy and demanding - part of Clarke and Lexa's lives. Costia is six days old and as tiny as she is, she also happens to be the most magical thing Lexa has ever laid eyes on.  
  
Lexa doesn't consider herself to be of imposing height or overall size, but around her daughter she feels massive. It makes Lexa's handling of Costia that much more of an event. Lexa is delicate almost to a ludicrous extreme because she is genuinely worried she could hurt the newborn. As terrified as Lexa may be to take care of this child by herself and as utterly exhausted as she has been for the past week, she is aware that Clarke had a hard labor and anytime Lexa can manage to give her wife even five extra minutes of sleep, she does. Tonight was one of those nights.  
  
Lexa woke up the moment she heard the baby whimper through the monitor. The twenty six year old quickly reached over to turn the speaker off and took it upon herself to see if she could keep Clarke from having to wake up and nurse the baby for as long as possible.  
  
Lexa tiptoes into what she can't imagine being Clarke's studio anymore, not since this little thing burst into their lives. It feels like this was always Costia's room, like it was the thing it was meant to be. Lexa leans over the crib to find the baby on the verge of a full blown tantrum. Lexa pauses to take it in.

Even when she's upset and as impatient as they have come to learn that Costia can be, she is still the most magnificent thing Lexa has ever come across. It's why Lexa always hesitated to hold her. Lexa has never been insecure. She has the ability to stand in a courtroom and make menacing men tremble, but this baby makes her more scared than she can ever recall being at any point before.

Costia wails and Lexa knows the only way she can try and address the crying is if she picks up her daughter. Lexa takes a deep, centering breath and reaches for the six day old. Lexa's grip is firm, she grabs the baby as tightly as she thinks she can without hurting her.  
  
_"Hey...shhh. You were up an hour ago. We have to let mommy sleep a little longer."_  
  
Lexa's voice soothes the baby ever so slightly, but Costia continues to whimper and wiggle restlessly in Lexa's arms. Lexa begins to sway in an attempt to further calm the peeved baby.  
  
_"Come on baby girl. Shhhh."_  
  
The bouncing seems to do the trick and Costia becomes noticeably calmer. Within seconds she opens her eyes to look up at Lexa.  
_  
__"Hi. There you are."_ Costia blinks a few times and looks directly at her mother. Lexa can't help but smile. _"If I tell you a story do you think we can put off the nursing thing for a little while longer?"_ _  
_  
Costia grumbles but Lexa walks over to the postcard, which is now framed next to the baby's changing table, and starts talking regardless.  
  
_"Let me tell you about the day I found out you existed."_  
  
Lexa stands across from the piece, swaying, and whispering to the fussy baby in her arms. Costia isn't as angry as she was two minutes ago but she's certainly not happy.  
  
_"I was assisting with this big case. Some fraud and embezzlement at Polaris corporation. I told you all about it when you were in mommy's tummy, remember? We had a discovery hearing in a few days. I had been really stressed because it was my job to put that all together so that my ADA could review it and take it to the judge. I was busy and your mommy had been really grumpy. Between how stressed we both seemed to be and how much time I was spending at work, I think we hadn't been our best for a little bit."_  
  
Costia makes a loud sound that could be read as a groan.  
  
_"I know. It bugged me too."_  
  
Pretty early into the pregnancy Clarke had discovered that Lexa enjoyed having conversations with the baby and that Lexa would talk to it as if she was talking to any adult. What made Clarke vigorously roll her eyes though was the fact that Lexa loved to pretend the conversations were reciprocal and that the baby not only understood what she was saying, but that Costia was engaging with her. It drove Clarke crazy but also made her love her wife exponentially more every time she saw it happen.  
  
_"I was hoping once I got this part of the case over we'd go back to normal. Your mom had been acting weird for a few days and I couldn't figure out why. She is never secretive with me, but she would close her sketchbook whenever I walked into a room or would take her art supplies and go to the park and paint. I thought I was losing her. Honestly, I was getting scared. It didn't feel like we were ourselves but I had a lot on my mind and it felt like she was shutting me out. I didn't really know what to do. Now I understand that your mom was only doing her best to not spill the news about you."_  
  
Costia manages to get one of her arms free from her swaddle and waves it around spastically. They haven't known each other for very long, but Lexa feels she's getting a good grasp on her daughter’s tells and personality traits. Because of that, she can guess that Costia is reaching peak frustration at the fact that she is still not being fed. Lexa tries to move the story along.  
  
_"So...I'm working from home on a Saturday afternoon. Your mom walks into the apartment and she's being as intimate as she's been in almost a week. She wanted to talk but I was really busy. I had to go to the prosecutor the next day with a case and I didn't have one yet. She’s good though. You want to know what she did? She kissed me and you know how weak us Woods girls are for mommy's kisses. She didn't have to do much convincing after that. I put down my files and we sat on the couch."_  
  
Costia wails. She sounds like she's about to burst into tears any second. Lexa speeds up her story.  
  
_"No. Shhh. Not yet. We're about to get to the good part. Your mom is acting really strange but honestly...after almost six years I've learned to look past that. Your mom_ **is** _strange. Just don't tell her I said that. Anyway, she hands me this envelope and tells me to open it. Inside is that little painting."_  
  
Lexa moves closer and holds the baby a bit more vertically so that the piece is in the baby's eyeline.  
  
_"I'm going to let you in on a little secret but..."_  
  
Costia rattles around in Lexa's arms and her whimpers are on the verge of becoming shrieks.  
  
_"Hey...come on. I'm about to get to the best moment. Promise. Just hold on."_  
  
Costia stops fussing for a moment and looks directly at Lexa as if understanding what she said. Lexa believes Costia is letting her know that she’s paying attention.  
  
_"Your mom thinks she's smart. Not that she isn't. She definitely is, but I knew what her favorite drink and movie were before I even agreed to go out with her. Did she really think I wasn't going to notice her period being late and how often she was getting sick? I had my suspicions. We'd been trying to have you for a couple of months. In the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility even though we’d gotten a negative test, but it didn't seem like she was ready to talk about whatever was going on inside her head and I let it be. But baby, the moment I opened that envelope I knew. I knew you were real and I'd never been happier. Your mom though...your mom always has the upper hand when it comes to being difficult so I decided to be difficult for a change. I sat there with my best straight face and pretended I had no idea what she'd just given me. It was almost impossible to not tell her how this was the craziest thing I'd ever experienced. That it felt like my chest was on fire and I had no idea what to do with any of these feelings, but I kept it together and I played it cool. To this day she has no clue and she's told everyone how I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. But truth be told, I think I knew you were there before she did. It just took both of us some time to get on the same page."_  
  
Costia screams and Lexa is fully aware that her newborn is nearing a rage fit. That baby wants food and she wants it now. Lexa is about to give up and take her to the master bedroom when she feels Clarke's arms snake around her waist, kiss the spot in her back between her shoulder blades, and bring her hand to touch Costia's head.  
  
_"I can't believe you tricked me."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's neck then walks around them to kiss Costia's forehead.  
  
_"Pretend you didn't hear any of that."_ Clarke lands at Lexa’s side and they both peer down at the wiggling bundle in the older woman's arms. Lexa smiles when she sees the messy hair and the half lidded eyes that Clarke is sporting but leans down to softly kiss her twenty three year old wife on the lips regardless. _"Why are you up? I was trying to get you a few more minutes."_ _  
_  
_"Because I turned around to hug my wife but all I found was an empty bed and unless she was out with her mistress there was only one other place she could be."_ _  
__  
__"I've had a lot less time to visit my other family now that this one is here."_ _  
__  
__"I'm sure. I bet you get a lot more sleep when you're over there."_ _  
__  
__"You have no idea."_  
  
Clarke sleepily kisses Lexa one more time.  
_  
__"Can I feed the baby or are you still not done disclosing your lies? I don’t know if you should keep talking though because I'm sure if Cos could've cursed you out by now, she would've."_  
  
Clarke smiles and Lexa looks down at the tremendously angry child in her arms then lets out a soft laugh.  
  
_"I think she's ready to be fed."_  
  
Clarke walks over to the rocking chair in the corner of the small room and takes a seat. Lexa follows and once Clarke is situated, Lexa carefully hands her the baby. Clarke gets to work on getting the nursing process started while Lexa pulls up the stool she's brought into the room in order to be able to sit and watch these bonding moments between Clarke and their daughter.  
  
_"Hi. How are you this hungry when you ate an hour ago?"_ Clarke strokes her daughter's head and talks to her after she latches on and brings to eat. _"Hmmm?"_ The baby gulps particularly forcefully. " _Ouch, slow down. You're being greedy Cos."_  
  
That name coming out of Clarke's mouth is still foreign to Lexa. It's not a name she ever thought could ever be said so lovingly again. Truth be told, Lexa still can't bring herself to say it, to call her daughter that. She hasn't been able to. Lexa is trying to work her way around nicknames and endearing placeholders until she can work herself up to using her daughter's name. Lexa is confident she can get there, all she is hoping for is that Clarke doesn't notice how much she is struggling with it until it's no longer a problem.  
  
Clarke begins to hum a song and without stopping her nursing, the baby looks up at her attentively. Clarke's face lights up with a smile and she grabs Costia's hand in her own.  
  
_"How are you this awake, hmmm? Where are you getting all this energy? You should share some with us because we're so tired."_  
  
The baby can barely wrap her miniscule hand around one of Clarke's fingers but she does and Clarke brings it up to her mouth to gently kiss it. The show of deep affection between mother and daughter makes Lexa's chest bloom and the words that immediately cross her mind carelessly slip out of her mouth.  
  
_"We should have two dozen more like her."_  
  
Clarke chortles.  
  
_"That's not happening."_ _  
__  
__"Fine. At least one more then."_ _  
__  
__"Lex...we just had her."_ _  
__  
__"You have to admit she's pretty perfect."_ _  
__  
__"She is."_ Clarke kisses the newborn's head and basks in that New Baby smell. _"That doesn't mean we need more."_ _  
__  
__"I think we would be great with more. You'd want a little brother or sister to play with, don't you baby?"_ Lexa gently strokes Costia's head and the baby gurgles softly while chugging down more milk. _"See...she agrees."_  
  
_"Unless you're the one pushing out the huge heads they get from you then we're not having any more. Even if you did carry them, I wouldn't want to be this worn out again in the next like...ten years."_ _  
__  
__"But..."_ _  
__  
__"One is enough, Lexa. We're fine with one."_  
  
Lexa sighs.  
  
_"I need you to help me out here bunny."_  
  
The baby vocalizes again.  
  
_"She says 'no more'."_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke indignant.  
  
_"That is definitely not what she said. Only I speak baby here hence why I'm the only one allowed to translate."_ _  
__  
__"Is that so?"_  
  
Clarke rolls her eyes but smiles at Lexa.  
  
_"Definitely."_  
  
Lexa's smile grows. She straightens her back in order to reach Clarke's lips. They kiss slowly.  
  
_"Thank you."_ Lexa whispers against Clarke's lips. _"For her."_  
  
Clarke closes the infinitesimal distance and joins their lips again.  
  
_"Thank you for talking me into it."_  
  
Costia fusses and Lexa moves away.  
  
_"Sorry! Sorry. Didn't mean to squish you."_  
  
Lexa kisses the baby's forehead. Moments later the baby begins to doze off while still latched onto Clarke's breast.  
  
_"How did anything make sense without her? I can't remember what that felt like."_  
  
Lexa asks without taking her eyes off Costia.  
  
_"I don't know."_  
  
Clarke responds while also looking at their daughter. Costia begins to breathe evenly. She's evidently eaten herself back to sleep. Her small mouth falls open indicating she's done.  
  
Clarke and Lexa grin widely at the moment of pure innocence and coincidentally both lean in to kiss the little girl. Lexa aims for Costia’s soft belly and Clarke went for the forehead. The baby winces and squirms. They look at each other and grimace silently agreeing to not disturb her sleep any further.

* * *

Clarke takes on changing the baby's diaper and Lexa burps her before they ungraciously stumble back to bed. Both are now splayed out on their mattress waiting for sleep to come. With how spent they both are it shouldn't take more than seconds.  
  
_"Imagine her as an older sister though."_  
  
Clarke growls loudly, lifts her head, and pulls out the pillow from underneath it to place it over Lexa's face.  
  
_"SLEEP LEXA!"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"I think she'd be fantastic."_  
  
Lexa mumbles from under the pillow resting on her face. Clarke puts slight pressure on the pillow.  
  
_"I_ **will** _kill you if that's what it takes to make you stop talking and let me nap."_  
  
Lexa's laughter is muffled by the fabric. She wraps her arms around Clarke’s torso, pulling her down and over her own body.  
  
_"No more talking then."_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Amazing."_  
  
Clarke yanks on the pillow and returns it to her half of the bed.  
  
_"Do you think she'll sleep longer than an hour and a half this time?"_ _  
_ _  
_ _"Doubt it."_  
  
Clarke whimpers.  
  
_"I actually do hate you. This is your fault."_  
  
Lexa chuckles and tightens her grip on Clarke.  
  
_"She's worth the lack of sleep though."_  
  
Clarke shifts, making herself comfortable against Lexa's chest. Once she's found the best spot she finally speaks.  
  
_"Yeah, she really is."_  
  
Within seconds, exhaustion takes over and they're sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're curious as to how the painting looks like, imagine something like this but MUCH more abstract: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/02/87/ae/0287ae0793233dd92d15f5846aad0313.jpg
> 
> Share your thoughts! Let me know what you think about the fluff. This is and the ultimatum are the last chapters I had basically completely pre-written from the last six. I know what happens in the other chapters but I haven't like...put it on paper yet. I can't promise the next update will be super fast but I can promise it'll punch you in the gut. The parts I've written have made me even suffer a little haha. You've been warned. You can emotionally prepare. 
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	32. June 2063

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're thinking "God KG how could you make us wait more than four months for a new update???!" to which I will immediately counter "This chapter is over SIXTY TWO (62) THOUSAND WORDS long so SHHHHHHHH!". It's 194 pages single spaced in Word so...I think it more than makes up for the wait. 
> 
> Now, let's get into the important stuff.
> 
> I'm not going to give you spoilers about what's in here BUT I will say that if you're sensitive in any way perhaps think real hard before you dive into this one. Read the additional tags again, all the most important warnings are there. If you are bothered by ANY of those things, don't read this because one or a couple of them come into play here. I would go ahead and call this the most important chapter of the story thus far and I wouldn't personally want to skip it BUT again...if you get upset about certain things easily just don't read it. 
> 
> I firmly believe that if you stick with it until the end you'll see that there was a reason for everything and I think this one is vital to everyone's character arc but at the same time...your emotional well being is more important than reading a fic update so, IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER. You've now been sufficiently warned several times. If you read it and you end up upset, there is only one person to blame.
> 
> All that being said, this might have been my favorite chapter to write up until this point. Even though some of you might not want to read this (and I'd totally respect that), I'd also be bummed for those who decided to forego it because I thought I loved these characters before this chapter but apparently I was wrong. This is the one that truly made me dive deep into them and I have so much adoration and respect for these kiddos now.
> 
> I have a lot of personal experience with the overarching theme of the chapter and it is one of those things that is either 1) never written about or 2) the less than handful of times I've come across it, it's done poorly. As someone who lived something somewhat similar to this first hand, I thought I'd take a stab at showing how a situation like this would affect everyone involved. 
> 
> I'm not going to lie, I hadn't gotten emotional even once writing this story. I don't even think it's been as gutwrenching as a lot of you think because I've toned it down so much from what I had originally planned just so people wouldn't stop reading but I'll openly admit that the second half of this chapter makes me tear up EVERY.FUCKING.TIME I read it which is HUGE for someone who rarely ever cries because of fiction (and never because of something I've written myself) so...you've been warned...again. If you're committing to it, I wouldn't read this in public lol
> 
> For those of you reading, enjoy. For those of you skipping...see you next time. The upcoming one a Pre-Jake chapter so it should be all fluff and happiness. Probably...
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta and I didn't read it one last time before publishing like I usually because it's so long lol. I'll eventually come back and fix all the mistakes that I'm sure are still floating around.
> 
> \---
> 
> The soundtrack has been updated. Don't go clicking it unless you want to be spoiled but *definitely* go check it out after because music is a big part of this story but particularly this chapter. http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/169425018910/hedaclara-clexa-family-au-music-part-22
> 
> Also made you guys a hella spoilerish graphic. I'd rather you not open it until like halfway through reading this when you're SUPER curious as to how all these new characters look, but I'm also well aware y'all probably won't wait because I know how impatient you are so here it the link: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/169425518070/if-loves-so-easy-why-is-it-hard-the-family

** Thursday June 28th, 2063 **

It’s a peak summer day in New York City, the sun-drenched and scorching kind that Spike Lee might write a movie about. Seventy three year old Lexa sits in silence on the plush, bone white armchair that has been strategically placed near the corner of the room where the floor-to-ceiling glass walls come together to form the building’s sharp edges. Lexa blinks slowly as she thoughtfully scans the imposing skyline and scribbles mental notes of the things that catch her eye.

This chair - positioned at this particular spot and specific angle - is Lexa’s favorite place in the apartment. It always has been, but particularly as of late. There’s something comforting about the predictable shapes in the horizon. The curves and pronounced lines that come together to form the seemingly unending rows of skyscrapers don’t change, at least not fast enough for Lexa to truly notice. It’s what makes the view feel serene and wonted. More importantly though, the things Lexa watches through the window offer her a much needed distraction from her enmeshed mind. As a result of this, that chair is the one place where the family can anticipate Lexa to be at most points throughout the day.  
  
The conspicuous click of the shutter goes off unnoticed to Lexa from the other end of the room. Anya pries the bulky, top-of-the-line camera away from her face and places it down on the table before picking up the two steaming mugs that rested safely on the open space between the rows of family pictures. Anya stomps her way towards Lexa once the drinks are safely in her hand. She exaggerates the weight of her steps, making sure to produce as much sound as possible and make her presence known in order not to startle her pensive mother.

A cup of tea is produced in front of Lexa and she stares down at it confused.  
  
_"It's tea."_  
  
Lexa looks at the forty six year old standing next to her and smiles.  
  
_"Thank you. That's very nice of you."_  
  
Lexa moves to grab the mug at the center and Anya immediately pulls it away.  
  
_"Not that way mom. That's hot. You'll burn yourself. Through the handle."_  
  
Lexa looks at the mug then at Anya trying to understand why the woman thought she would even need that clarification but instead of becoming defensive, Lexa does as she's told. Once Anya is sure the mug is firmly within Lexa's grip, she sits on the matching armchair that has been placed next to Lexa’s for this particular reason. Anya takes a sip of her Earl Grey and gazes out the window.  
  
_"Thank you for coming to visit. It's nice to have a fresh face around here."  
  
"I live here. I have for the last year or so."  
  
"Well, that's good. We have more than enough space. I'm glad it's being used properly."  
  
"Yeah. I get to put up with you and your crazy every day. It's lovely."_ Anya had taken to hiding her feelings behind her humor and Lexa, albeit often confused, always played along. _"What have you been up since I went into the kitchen?"  
  
"I've been speaking to my brother."  
  
"Mom, you don't have a brother. Aunt Anya was your only sister."  
  
"Oh, of course I do. Don't be stupid. There's pictures of him all around the house. I was looking at one just earlier. His name was Jacob."  
  
"That is my brother not yours momma."  
  
"No. No. He is my brother."  
_  
Lexa tells Anya cantankerously.  
  
_"No momma. You have five kids. It's Costia, then me, then Jake, then Roa, then Aden. Jake was your third child, first boy."  
  
"Well, I guess that explains why he looked so familiar."_  
  
Lexa, as it commonly happened when she got caught off guard lately, tries to deflect with a joke of her own and they both chuckle.  
  
After a period of worrying incidents that began piling up past the point of realistically being able to ignore them, Clarke dragged Lexa to the doctor’s and within a few weeks she was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The final confirmation came around a year and a half before today. Most people with dementia can live with it for years - and in rare cases even decades - because the mental decay tends to be gradual but Lexa had deteriorated at a flabbergasting pace over the last twelve months. Just under six months ago doctors recommended that it would be best if Lexa went to live at a nursing home that could provide her with the round the clock professional care she now needed but Clarke predictably and vehemently refused. _"No one takes care of my wife but me",_ she insisted. Suddenly, at the cusp of turning seventy, Clarke found herself dealing with what sometimes feels like a toddler again.  
  
Not long after Lexa's diagnosis, and at the expense of her own relationship with her ten year partner, Anya decided to move back home to help Clarke look after Lexa. She was very much in love with her long-time girlfriend, but Anya felt her responsibility lay with her family. Her mother was her top priority and without having children to worry about or tether her to a relationship that wasn't the number one thing on her list anymore, Anya made the decision to part ways with a woman she loved deeply in order to devote every second of free time she spent outside of work to dealing with Lexa and her ever growing needs. Anya didn't think it would be fair to ask Elizabeth to share the burden she was about to take on and soon after receiving the news, she moved out of the apartment they had shared for years and back into her childhood home. Anya was too selfless to do anything but exactly that. Since then Lexa has become the center of Anya’s world and she has never felt an ounce of regret about that decision.  
  
Anya stands and walks over to one of the console tables that had a family pictures. She picks one up and heads back to the couch.  
  
_"That was him. That was Jake. He was my brother and you loved him a lot."  
  
"I bet I did. Whatever happened to him? He doesn't come visit anymore."  
  
"He died when he was eight."  
  
"Oh."_ Lexa doesn't add anything else and Anya doesn't either, not until a few long moments later when Lexa speaks again. _"The Luccheses had him killed."_  
  
Sometimes certain things trigger memories within Lexa's brain and she would have a moment of lucidity amongst the confusion.  
  
_"Yeah. They did, but you got them in the end. You got all of them mom."  
  
"I did? Good."  
  
"You did. Every single one."  
_  
Anya kisses the side of Lexa's head and they both look out the window in silence. Several helicopters fly by and the sound of sirens come and go three times before either one of them speaks again.  
  
_"Hello."_  
  
Lexa turns to Anya and greets her in a cheerful voice. Anya has learned to recognize that tone and look in Lexa's face. Anya is all but certain that Lexa has now forgotten everything that has happened up until that moment. Whenever this occurred it’s as if the hard drive has reset and reboot on a blank screen.  
  
There were days where Lexa was completely present and on those days the family brimmed with a false sense of comfort. On the days Lexa was there, she was mother and wife. She was normal, life was normal. Other days Lexa sounded a bit like a broken record. She would repeat herself over and over and over **_AND_** over. Then there were the days where she suddenly lived in a completely different decade. The worst days were those when it seemed that no one was inside her body. It was as if her brain had been vacated and Lexa just...emptily existed. Lexa would be physically there but distant and mute. Those days were few and far between but also becoming more and more frequent as time progressed.  
  
_"Hi."  
  
"You're very beautiful."_  
  
Anya laughs at the compliment.  
  
_"Thank you."  
  
"You remind me of my wife. She has blonde hair and blue eyes just like that."_ Lexa points at Anya. _"Just like yours."  
  
"I know. I got them from her. Isn't that a coincidence?"  
  
"Did you? How?"  
  
"Because your wife is also my mother."  
_  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Don't be silly. She doesn't want any children."  
  
"You definitely changed her mind on that. You guys had five of them."  
  
"Five?!"  
  
"Uhum."  
  
"Oh. That's a lot."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"It does get noisy sometimes."_ Anya blows into her cup prior to taking a large sip of the steaming liquid. _"We're all going to be here for your birthday. You turn seventy four on Sunday."  
  
"Seventy four. Wow."_  
  
Lexa sounds innocently impressed.  
  
_"Yeah. You're old now."_ They look at each other and chuckle. _"We both are."  
  
"Nonsense. You're young and so beautiful."  
  
"Oh stop. If I didn't know better I'd think you're hitting on me."_ Anya quips making Lexa smirk before she brings the mug up to her lips. _"Anyway...Mom is picking up Roa, her husband, and the kids from the airport. They're flying in from Chicago. Aden and Cos live here in New York. They're also coming over for dinner tonight. You're going to have a full house all weekend long."  
  
"Visitors are nice."  
  
"All the kids will be running around too. You always enjoy that."  
_  
_"I love kids."  
  
"I know you do. Kids have always been your favorite thing in the world." _ Anya looks down at the picture she still holds in her hands. _"Do you know who these people are mom?"  
_  
Lexa scans the picture punctiliously. Once she feels she’s taken in enough, Lexa turns to look out the window without responding. Anya has come to understand that this reaction could only mean Lexa doesn't have a satisfactory answer to the question but that she is too stubborn to admit it. After receiving the silent confirmation she seeked, Anya stands to get a more recent family portrait than the one she currently held and swaps them out. Anya returns to her armchair with a picture from two Christmases ago. This particular one was taken on the last holiday where Lexa was healthy, it captured the last time Anya remembers everyone carelessly smiling. Anya brings the photo to Lexa’s eye level and patiently explains who everyone is.  
  
_"This is Costia. She's my older sister and your eldest daughter."_ Lexa turns to look at the picture and follow Anya's finger around the frame. _"That's Costia's daughter Aug–"  
  
"August."  
_  
Lexa mindlessly interrupts when she notes who Anya has pointed at.

There was one person who was apparently etched into Lexa's memory. Lexa might forget her own name, where she is, what she studied in college, or most recently even her own wife but she has never - not once - forgotten Costia's only daughter. There's days where if prompted Lexa couldn't pick out who August's mother was within her own children, but she will _always_ recognize that August is her granddaughter.  
  
_"That's mom. That's you. That's me. That's Lizzie, she was my..."_ Anya promptly decides to gloss over it. _"That's my younger sister Roa. Those are Roa's three kids. This is Alex, he's the oldest of your grandchildren. He's turning fourteen soon. That is Xander. He's eight. That is Alexandria Jane but we've always called her AJ. She's the baby of the cousins. She's two now. That's Roa's husband Justin. That's Aden and his son Giaco. He's five and he's just as funny as Aden was when he was little. That's Giaco's mom but her and Aden aren't together anymore because she's actually insane. He has a new girlfriend now. Her name is Jaime. She's pregnant so he'll be a dad again soon. With the exception of the crazy ex and Lizzie, everyone who is in this picture will be here tonight."  
  
"That's a lot of people."  
  
"You have a big family mom. It's what you always wanted."  
_  
_"That sounds nice."  
  
"It is."  
  
"Be sure to tell them I said 'thank you for coming'."  
  
"I will."  
  
"I appreciate it."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"And all you do for me."  
_  
For a moment Lexa seems to be fully coherent once again.  
  
_"It's not a problem mom. I do it because I love you."  
  
"I never meant to hurt you after he died. I didn't."_  
  
By the look in Lexa's eyes, Anya asserts her mother is having another moment of mental clarity. They're becoming rare occurrences, especially this close together, but thankfully they do still happen.  
  
_"I know momma. I let it go years ago. You should too. Look at us now. Still a family. You and mom made it. We all did. That's what counts. You..."_  
  
Their conversation is interrupted by the front door opening. Costia's voice instantly echoes through the apartment.  
  
_"Mom?"  
  
"We're in the living room."_ Anya promptly replies to her sister.  
  
The hurried and excited pitter-patter of both feet and paws fills the air until a beautiful, thirteen year old, biracial girl of medium to light brown complexion, bright green eyes that contrast beautifully against her skin, and curly light caramel hair with clear hints of dirty blonde running through it rushes into the living room. The young girl holds a bright pink leash in her hand. On the other end of the leash Sea Slug, a ten year old Teacup Yorkie, yaps away.  
  
The Griffin-Woods family had a tradition with naming pets, that much was clear. They went with generic aquatic animal species for each of their dogs and they didn't feel this one should've been the exception. Unfortunately, they almost instantly learned that handing a three year old a marine biology book and telling her to point at her favorite creature so they could use that as the name for the puppy she had just picked out from the pet store was probably not the best idea. Luckily, Sea Slug seemed to take in stride and his cuteness more than made up for his unfortunate name.  
  
The moment the teenager enters the room she heads straight for her favorite person in the world: Lexa. August's adamantine bond with Lexa is something even Costia can’t deny. The strength of their relationship stems directly from the amount of time spent together. Most of August’s life has unfolded in this apartment and with her grandmothers. Clarke and Lexa have been at the very center of August's life since the second she was born. Clarke was the only person Costia allowed in the delivery room and hers were the second pair of arms to ever hold the little girl. As she grew older, August only spent more time with Clarke and Lexa. Clarke and Lexa have always been there to get her from school, to help with assignments, or take care of her when she is sick. Every afternoon is spent together until Costia gets off work and swings by to pick August up. That usually wasn't well until after the sun was down and dinner was over meaning August spends a significant chunk of her day with Clarke, Lexa, and to a certain extent Anya.  
  
Anya was an anthropology adjunct professor at both New York University and City University of New York. She did her best to tailor her class schedules to not start either too early in the mornings or be evening classes because both mornings and nights tend to be the most difficult for Lexa. Anya always aimed to be around for as many hours of those as she could and that eventually translated to her being around August a whole lot more than usual these past couple of years.  
  
_"Grandma!"  
  
"Hey baby."_  
  
August clings to Lexa and the older woman revels in the embrace. It's one of the few things she can still look forward to. As soon as they separate Sea Slug jumps onto Lexa's lap and lays down. His barking instantly stops the moment Lexa gives in and pets him. It wouldn't have been hard to gather that Lexa was also his favorite human.  
  
Forty seven year old Costia walks into the living room. Anya looks over her shoulder and tilts her chin up in her sister's direction in a silent greeting.  
  
_"Did mom leave to get Ro already?"  
  
"Like twenty minutes ago."  
  
"Cool." _ Costia turns to Lexa and greets her. _"Hi Lexa."  
  
"Hi." _ Lexa looks at Costia for a split second but turns back to August almost immediately _. "How was school today?"  
  
"It's summer grandma. I don't have school."  
  
"Oh. Right. Yes, it's summer."_  
  
Lexa plays down the fact that she didn't remember that.  
  
_"What did you do today grandma?"  
  
"I don't think I did very much. I haven't even left the house."_  
  
Anya groans at the statement.  
_  
"Of course you have. Mom and I took you for a walk in the park this morning, momma. We sat by the pond and read to you for over three hours. Of course you've left the house."_  
  
Lexa shrugs and turns to August.  
  
_"I don't remember that."_  
  
Lexa tells her granddaughter with a nonchalant grin on her face and giggles. August takes the opportunity to greet her aunt and godmother.  
_  
"Hi Nana."_  
  
August had never gotten used to calling Anya "aunt" when addressing her. If she was talking to people outside of the family she would refer to her as Aunt Anya, but if she was talking directly to her aunt or about her to someone in the family she was just "Nana". It's the way it ended up being with all of Anya's nieces and nephews.  
  
_"I like how your hair looks today Aggy."_  
  
_"Thanks! Mom helped me braid it."_ August doesn't linger too much in that conversation and turns back to Lexa. _"Do you want me to read to you grandma?"_  
  
_"I would love that."_  
  
Anya, recognizing that Lexa now has someone to keep her busy, stands up from the armchair with the intention of moving the dirty mugs back to the kitchen. Costia puts her bag down on the couch and follows her sister.

* * *

Anya walks into the kitchen humming some random tune under her breath with Costia following in silence. Once she reaches the sink, Anya gets busy washing them out.  
  
_"Do you mind staying with mom for a bit? Aden asked if I could pick Giaco up from Vittoria's. He really doesn't want to deal with her until this whole custody mess is over."_  
  
Anya lathers up the mugs as she addresses Costia without looking at her.  
  
_"I can go pick up Gi."  
  
"It's almost as if you don't want to be alone with her for five minutes."  
  
"That's not it."_  
  
Costia declares to her sister defensively.  
  
_"Sure, okay."_ Once the mugs are clean Anya moves to place them into the dishwasher. _"The last time you and Vittoria saw each other both of you almost got arrested. If Aden and I hadn't stopped you, you know you would've. You're not the person who should go pick Gi up."  
  
"She scratched the shit out of Aden's face and tried to break a bottle over his head. He couldn't hit her, but I sure as fuck could."  
  
"It would've been battery either way Cos. You're a hot head. You're not going so I need you to stay with her._ _You don't even have to do anything. August will keep her entertained."  
  
"Nana..."  
  
"For fuck's sake Costia! Stay with mom. I do it every damn day. You can sit on the couch and watch her play with your daughter for an hour until mom and Ro get home."  
_  
Anya's façade unexpectedly cracks and for a second her frustration is palpable. Anya doesn't mind taking care of Lexa and to some extent Clarke as well. She honestly doesn't and would never feel like they are a burden, in any way or to any degree, but Anya also can't pretend that watching the strongest woman she knew throughout her entire life wither into nothing before her eyes isn't taking an acute emotional toll on her. Anya’s frustration is riled even further because of all the people Anya could feel the urge to keep appearances around, her sister shouldn’t be one of them.  
  
Costia is more astute and in tune with every minute thing that happens in her family than she likes to give away which means she easily understands the source of her sister’s outburst and simply nods without adding fuel to the fire.  
  
_"Okay. Okay."_ Costia instinctively moves out of Anya’s way as Anya silently reaches for the roll of paper towels that rest on the kitchen island and dries her hands. _"Has she like...had her pills and stuff? Does she...need anything?"  
_  
Costia does her best at playing the part Anya is desperate for her to fulfill and attempts to make herself useful.  
  
_"Mom and I take care of her meds. You don't have to worry about that. I just gave her tea and we had lunch not long ago so she shouldn't be thirsty or hungry. Maybe ask her if she wants something to eat in half an hour. She likes snacks. If she does, give her some crackers or cookies. If you give her food also give her water or juice just to keep her hydrated. Aggy knows the kind she likes and where everything is. That should hold her off until mom or I get back."_ Costia looks like she's making mental notes of everything Anya said. Anya notices the mild panic in her sister's face. _"Cos, treat her like a normal person. It's not that hard. If you have questions ask August. She's actually really great with mom."  
  
"Okay. Yeah. Okay."  
  
"Costia...just talk to her. If she forgets something, remind her. If she needs to get to the bathroom, hold her arm. That's it. That's all I'm asking you to do."  
_  
_"I said okay. Shit."_  
  
Costia replies aggravated. Anya rolls her eyes but gathers the gusto to asks the question they all manage to tip toe around on a daily basis.  
  
_"How are you doing? With all of this?"_  
  
Costia shrugs and - as Costia typically did - protectively folds her arms over her chest. Everything about Costia’s body language makes it evident that she's uncomfortable with this question so she unsurprisingly deflects.  
  
_"August says she doesn't remember mom anymore."  
  
"Only sometimes. Other times I'll watch them have a two hour conversation from when they were in college or random things about when we were little. Just depends what kind of day she's having. Or even what kind of hour. It changes a lot throughout the day. You didn't answer my question though."_  
  
Costia shrugs again.  
  
_"It's fucked. It sucks. I don't know. I don't know what you want me to say."  
  
"I don't think I want you to say anything. I'd maybe like for you to stop pretending like you're unaffected by it. That would be nice."  
  
"What good would that do?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe you'd catch her on a good moment and you could have a conversation with her. A real one. I don't know Cos."_ Anya turns to leave the kitchen. _"I have to go. If you need anything I'll have my phone on my hand at all times just in case."  
_  
Anya leaves the kitchen but Costia lingers for a beat trying to regain her composure.

* * *

When Costia rejoins the trio in the living room, she finds that August and Lexa have now relocated to the couch where August reads to Lexa out loud from a book the younger girl allowed her grandma to pick off the shelf.  
  
Anya hovers over the sofa. She patiently waits until August reached the end of the sentence she is currently reading and when she does, August naturally stops. Costia loiters at the entrance of the living room, keeping her distance.  
  
_"Mom. That's Costia. Do you remember her?"_  
  
Anya points towards Costia and Lexa turns to look at blonde standing at the entryway.  
  
_"Of course I do. What kind of question is that?"  
  
"Who is she?"  
_  
Lexa looks at August and then back at Anya.  
  
_"I don't know."_  
  
Lexa finally admits with a hint defeat in her voice.  
  
_"That's Costia. She's your daughter. She's August's mom. I have to go do something but I'll be back in a couple of hours at most. They're going to stay with you until mom comes back. Okay?"_  
  
Lexa grouses.  
  
_"I don't need a babysitter."  
  
"We know. They're here waiting for everyone else because we're all having dinner tonight. It's not just because of you. Can you promise to be nice to them? I know you get frustrated sometimes when you can't remember things but they'll do what they can to help. Okay?"  
  
"I guess I can be on my best behavior."_  
  
Anya snickers at the petulant response and kisses Lexa's cheek.  
  
_"That's what I like to hear. To the moon?"_ Lexa looks at Anya confused. Anya still does it out of habit but it never takes her long to know when doesn't recognize the phrase. Anya goes for the simplified, straight forward version. _"I love you."_  
  
_"You're very nice."_  
  
Anya leans into Costia as she passes her on her way to the front door.  
  
_"If she gets testy don't antagonize her. Give her space and she'll calm down on her own."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Talk to her."_  
  
Without anything further to add, Anya exits the apartment. August briefly looks at her mother and flashes her a smile before resuming her reading.

Costia shuffles in place for about a page and a half and quietly examines the image unfolding before her. Costia takes in every one of the thousands of little details that come together to form this particular moment. She notes the way August looks up at Lexa every couple dozen words to make sure her grandma is still following, or how Lexa will hum after specific moments in the narrative, or how they both will smile at the same things, or how August’s hand eventually comes to rest atop Lexa’s instants before it tenderly begins to stroke her hand as she continues to narrate the words on the page. Costia watches her only daughter beam with happiness as she reads to her deteriorating grandmother and for a second she wonders if August understands what is happening to Lexa. For August’s sake, Costia hopes that for once her daughter is not as bright and intuitive as they all know her to be. In a split second Costia musters whatever crumbs of courage she can summon together and makes a rash decision. The tall woman saunters over to the couch and sits next to Lexa. Feeling the couch dip beside her, Lexa turns to look at Costia. Lexa knots her brow after taking a good look at Costia’s face.  
  
_"You remind me of someone."  
  
"I do?"  
  
"Yes, but I can't quite figure out who. Are you a friend of my wife's? From the gallery? Maybe that's it. My memory isn't what it used to be."_  
  
Lexa wisecracks but, for obvious reasons, Costia doesn’t find it funny.  
  
_"Something like that."_  
  
Lexa smiles, pleased with herself that she managed to remember one detail.  
  
_"I don't think she's home right now. My wife I mean. She went to pick up the kids from school but you can wait for her here if you like."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"My granddaughter is reading to me. She has a great voice. I tell her she should be a singer like her mom. Her mom has an amazing voice too."  
  
"I bet she does."_ They both smile at each other, Costia doing her best to mask the perennial sadness that hides behind hers. _"Do you...I know August is great at reading but...would you mind if I read to you? For a little while. Just a few pages."  
  
"Of course. That would be great. You sound like you have a good voice too."  
_  
August reaches over and hands her mother the book and points to where she left off. Costia effortlessly falls right into the rhythm of the prose. The three of them sit exactly like that until the moment Clarke returns home.

* * *

Costia could hear them before they even walked into the apartment. She was made acutely aware that the rest of her family was in the building the moment the elevator doors opened tens of feet down the hallway. August and Sea Slug heard them too and both immediately perked up in anticipation.  
  
_"Grandma! Grandma!"_  
  
Eight year old Xander was the first to unceremoniously dart into the apartment. He moves from the entry hallway and into the living room screaming as he searches for his dearest adult in the whole world. If there was just one undeniable truth about the grandchildren was that they were devotedly obsessed with Lexa. They all gravitated to her from the moment they were born and it never changed as they grew older.

Much like his brother and sister, Xander had ended up with his father's jet black hair. He had also inherited Lexa's green eyes and strong facial structure. Because of these things, Xander bore an eerie resemblance to his uncle Jacob. If it weren't for the fact that Xander had yet to get rid of most of his baby chub making him the opposite of gangly and that he didn't have Jake's signature curly hair then it would've been hard to tell Xander and Jake apart just based on their facial features. This had become increasingly difficult as of late because, even though the distinctions between the two were stark for someone healthy enough to notice, the two boys were also similar enough that to Lexa's etiolated mind they were utterly unimportant. As a direct result of this, the two boys became one in her head more often than not.  
  
Thirteen year old Alex is the second one in the door. The moment August spots him she flies off the couch and speeds towards the door. It takes the two cousins only seconds to meet halfway and embrace tightly. After hastily greeting Lexa and giving her a sloppy kiss, Alex and August dart away and disappear to the back of the apartment where they can be with each other in peace. Sea Slug immediately jumps off Lexa’s lap to chase after his owner.  
  
Alex and August were born only three months apart and from the beginning they'd been inseparable. They were the only grandchildren in the family for years and because of this and of how close Costia and Roa remain even in adulthood, the children were raised more as siblings than cousins. Anyone would be hard pressed to find two humans who loved each other as much as those two did. Watching their relationship blossom was nothing short of a treat for the entire family and their bond is something they’ve all come to cherish. At least most of the time. That same tight-knit relationship that the adults fostered between the cousins has also turned out to be somewhat of a headache because as the kids grow older it has become increasingly challenging for them to live thousands of miles away from the other. Alex and August’s frustration has escalated to the point that for years on end the teenagers have held the strategic, sustained, and coordinated attack they devised against their parents. Their plan primarily consists of shamelessly pleading for one of their families to relocate and not much else. They’ve gone as far as preparing presentations that include charts and long lists of pros but very little cons. Alex and August go to these lengths because they truly do hate not having the ability to be physically together on a daily basis. The two teenagers try to make the best out of the distance by talking, texting, video chatting, and anything else the young ones do to keep in touch every waking moment of the day but even that has started to feel like not enough as of late.  
  
_"You didn't come get us!"_  
  
Xander whines at Lexa much louder than he should as he climbs onto her lap and clings to her neck.  
  
Seventy year old Clarke, forty two year old Roa, and forty three year old Justin make their way to the living room. Roa carries two year old AJ in her arms and animatedly talks to Clarke but the moment she spots Lexa the conversation with Clarke is done and her full attention is on her other mother.  
  
Roa certainly feels colossal amounts of guilt for being the only one away from New York with Lexa's health declining as it is, but as the Managing Editor - who was well on her way to being the Editor In Chief - of one of the most renown digital music magazines in America, she found it hard to leave the city she had grown to call home. Roa had worked her way up from college intern to the executive level at _Pitchfork_ and even though her and Justin have been having an ever increasing number of conversations about moving to New York to be closer to Roa's family, both their professional roots were still dug too deep and tied too strongly to Chicago. Until better opportunities arose for them in New York they didn't think it prudent nor rational to transplant the kids and themselves on nothing more than emotional impulses regardless of how well intentioned they may be.  
  
Roa plops down next to Lexa and immediately wraps her free arm around her.  
  
_"Hi momma."_ Roa clutches her mother's neck and when she closes her eyes for a moment she's six again. _"I missed you."_  
  
Roa leans back to looks at Lexa who ogles at her inquisitively. Before either of them can say anything AJ leaps out of Roa's arms and towards Lexa. The little girl instinctively sits on the side of her lap that Xander wasn't occupying.  
  
_"Gama!"_  
  
Lexa catches the child and smiles when the little girl plants a slobbery kiss on her face. Xander continues to ramble incoherently at ten miles per minute.  
  
Roa had been good about staying connected with the family even though she lived away. She talked to her siblings at least once a day, if only to just check in. She made sure the children had video chats with Lexa and Clarke several times a week and they tried to make it out to New York for at least a weekend every other month. Ever since Lexa's diagnosis and the subsequent steep decline, the trips had become more frequent. For the last six months or so Roa had managed to travel to New York a few days each month. It was hard to figure out logistics around Alex and Xander's school schedules and Justin's work at the boutique advertising agency wasn't exactly one he could do remotely as easily as Roa could with the magazine, so much to the children's disapproval this meant only Roa and AJ got to fly to New York for the recurring visits.  
  
_"You missed grandma AJ?"_ AJ squeals and babbles from Lexa's lap and Roa smiles at the sheer joy in her daughter's face. _"I think she did."_ Roa scans Lexa with her bright blue eyes. _"You look good. How are you?"_ Lexa looks at Roa and grins weakly but doesn't utter a single word. _"It's Roa, mom."_  
  
Roa was becoming familiar with what Lexa thought were sly tricks when she couldn't quite recognize someone.  
  
_"Of course I knew that."_  
  
Roa rolls her eyes and chuckles.  
  
_"Stubborn as always. I see."_ Roa plants a kiss on Lexa's cheek. _"I love you. You also know that, right?"  
  
"You're very sweet. Thank you."_  
  
Lexa deflected not knowing how to respond to the girl she was still unable to properly place. Lexa turns her attention to the children on her lap because kids were always easier to deal with when she was confused. Roa doesn't take it personally and instead of dwelling on the depressing aspect of the situation turns to greet her sister instead.  
  
_"Hey Cos."_  
  
Roa leans in for a hug.  
  
_"Hey.”_

 _“Where's Nana?"  
  
"Went to get Gi. Aden didn't want to deal with the nutcase."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"He's on his way though. They should both be here soon."  
  
"Awesome."_  
  
While they chatted, Justin had began lugging the suitcases to Roa's old room already knowing this is where they always stayed when they came to New York for a visit. Clarke had made her way to the couch and sat next to Lexa and the children.  
  
_"Hi sweetheart. Do you need anything?"_  
  
Clarke inquires while lovingly running her hands through Lexa's hair.  
  
_"No. Thank you."  
  
"Has she eaten anything?"_  
  
Clarke looks over at Costia and waits for a response.  
  
_"Nana said you guys had lunch a while ago and to just offer her snacks which I did but she didn't want any."  
  
"I'm starving."_ Lexa lowers her voice in hopes that only Clarke will hear her. _"They wouldn't feed me all day."  
_  
Costia scoffs indignant.  
  
_"Lexa, what the fuck? August and I asked you if you needed anything twice. Twice. Don't lie."  
  
"I am not lying."_  
  
Lexa turns to Costia and reproaches her sternly. Costia is ready to argue but before it can get to that Roa interjects.  
  
_"Okay, that's okay. Here...”_ Roa extends her hand for Lexa to hold. _“…let's go to the kitchen mom. Let's see what we have. Xan, help your dad with the bags."  
  
"But mom..."  
_  
Xander tries to protest and Roa swiftly cuts him off.  
  
_"Xander. Go."_  
  
Roa grabs AJ as she scoots Xander off Lexa's lap and helps her mother up to a standing position before sweetly guiding her towards the kitchen to give her something light to munch on. Once Roa and Lexa have turned the corner to the hallway that leads towards the kitchen Costia huffs and crosses her arms over her chest before turning to Clarke. She's unmistakably agitated.  
  
_"We asked her if she wanted anything. Two fucking times mom. I didn't starve her."_ Clarke's face softens and sensing the frustration, she scoots closer to her eldest daughter. _"You can ask August. She wouldn't lie to you about this."_  
  
_"Hey..."_ Clarke gingerly places a hand on Costia's crossed arms. _"I believe you."_ Costia huffs anew but when Clarke squeezes her forearm, her features soften and she turns to look at her mother. _"I believe you. She doesn't remember. There's times Nana and I have fed her five minutes before and she'll say she hasn't eaten all day. When that happens we give her a little snack and move on. It's not personal. She's not being malicious. All you have to do is be patient with her."_  
  
Costia ruminates on Clarke's words for a long beat before speaking again.  
  
_"Ro knew."_  
  
Costia shakes her head.  
  
_"Ro knew what?"  
  
"To just give her something to eat and move on. She doesn't even live her and she knew. I didn't. I didn't know."  
  
"It's okay."_  
  
Costia stands and shoves her hands in her jean's pockets.  
  
_"It's not. Roa doesn't live in the same state as we do and she fucking knew things that I don't."  
  
"You're busy with work a lot Cos. It's okay."  
  
"And Roa is literally busy handling three kids and a crazy job while living in another state. She still knew. It's...fuck that. This is bullshit."_  
  
Costia galumphs towards the door and bolts out without giving Clarke the chance to get a word in. As she hurries out the door she almost rams full force into Anya and five year old Giaco. Anya tries calling out to her to no avail. Without saying a word Costia turns towards the stairs, pushes the handle, and disappears.  
  
Anya immediately speedwalks into the apartment to find Clarke tidying up the mess that's already started to form even though Roa and the kids have only been here for less than fifteen minutes.  
  
_"What happened? Is mom okay?"_  
  
Anya inquires impatiently while Giaco runs to Clarke and raises his arms to be held so that he can properly greet her.  
  
_"Hi handsome boy."_ Clarke smiles at her grandson before turning to Anya. _"Yeah. She's in the kitchen with Ro and AJ."  
  
"What was that about? Where is she going?"_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and kisses the side of Giaco's head before putting him back down on the floor.  
  
_"Your cousins are in the back. Go play with them."_ Clarke urges the boy with dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes. He doesn't have to be told twice. Giaco quickly takes off to find the rest of the little humans in his age range. Once he's out of earshot, Clarke turns to Anya. _"I think she's feeling guilty. For a lot of things."  
  
"I told her to talk to mom. I did."  
  
"She will. I'm sure she’ll eventually work up to it. She has to do it on her own time. You know how your sister is."  
  
"Oh, I do."  
  
_ They both chuckle and turn towards the door when they hear a key go into the knob before being pushed open. A few seconds later thirty three year old Aden and his very pregnant twenty eight year old fiance Jaime walk in.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Aden and Jaime move in to greet the pair of women who beam at the sight of them.  
  
_"What's up squirt?"_  
  
Anya playfully welcomes her little brother.  
  
_"One day you will realize that I am taller than you. By a lot."  
  
"Yeah yeah."_  
  
They both chuckle and Clarke turns to lovingly greet Jaime while rubbing the ever growing belly housing her youngest grandchild.  
  
Clarke, Lexa, and the girls always liked Jaime better than Vittoria and it showed in how easy it was for them all to get along. Jaime surprisingly fell right into the Griffin-Woods madness quicker than anyone expected her to. They figured her being an only child might mean that getting used to their loud antics would come with a steep learning curve, but from the day Aden threw her head first into the chaos that was their family it was as if she was meant to be a part of the gang all along.  
  
_"I brought some stuff to make dessert later. Poppyseed cake with passion fruit curd and chocolate mascarpone frosting. Jaime's been craving nothing but berries lately so I'm making her some triple berry pannacotta too but there will be enough for everyone."  
  
"I'm dying already."_  
  
Clarke joked thinking of the guaranteed scrumptiousness of whatever Aden was throwing together for dinner tonight.  
  
Aden's love for food ended up manifesting in a way no one saw coming. After never expressing a shred of interest in cooking and five semesters into his Business Economics major at Pace University, Aden came home one day saying he wanted to drop out of his fancy liberal arts college and go to culinary school instead. Culinary school wasn't something he'd discussed before so it certainly caught everyone off guard, but once they had their very serious _"Are you sure you want to throw two and a half years and a lot of tuition money away?"_ conversations then the family rallied behind him and off to become a chef he went.  
  
Once Aden graduated, Clarke put him in touch with Finn. Aden's business background as well as his distinct vision and unexpectedly refined palate meant he was much more than a nepotism hire. The young man was genuinely talented and he's been rotating through Finn's restaurants in both front and back of house capacities ever since. Aden hasn't told anyone except for Jaime yet, but him and Finn are now having far-reaching conversations about becoming businesses partners and opening up a new modern Italian restaurant together, one that Aden would lead.  
  
During his time in school, Aden had gravitated towards Italian cuisine and culture. He was expressly transfixed by Northern Italian gastronomy and saved as much as he could as often as he could in order to make frequent trips there to expand his knowledge. On one of those trips the then twenty eight year old Aden met a twenty two year old Italian-American girl visiting family in Modena during her celebratory college graduation trip. Vittoria found herself accidentally pregnant six months later and the relationship had cataclysmicly fallen apart within a year. Aden and Vittoria had done the on-and-off thing for a few years after that, but the fallout grew exponentially worse and more toxic each time they got back together and subsequently broke up until it inevitably lead to lawyers getting involved. That's the tense stage they were at now. Aden has come to keenly regret most of his relationship with Vittoria but not his son. Never his son.  
  
The moment Aden found out he was going to have a boy he knew he wanted to seize this opportunity to honor his brother and it took him only seconds to figure out exactly how he wanted to do so. He knew Giaco was the Italian version of Jacob and settling on a name before most people even knew Vittoria was pregnant had been the easiest decision Aden ever made.  
  
_"Was everything I ordered delivered?"_  
  
Aden turned to Clarke.  
  
_"Yeah. It's all in the kitchen."_  
  
Aden had requested some of his providers drop off the laundry list of ingredients he needed to feed the ever growing number of people invited. They were turning Lexa's birthday into an elaborate event. The family wasn't certain of how much longer they'd have with her, so they (read: Clarke) insisted on making sure Lexa got to spend every waking second of the weekend with her entire family.

Alex had suggested they have a family sleepover so of course Clarke ran with the idea and what started out as a joke ended up as Clarke giving no one a choice in the matter. She decided that everyone was staying at the apartment starting tonight even though Aden, Costia, August, Jaime, and Giaco had perfectly good beds in the city they could go back to. They’re not entirely sure how, but Clarke manipulated all thirteen of them into thinking it was a brilliant idea to cram into the apartment for three full days. There's no way that wasn't going to lead to at least one person having a major meltdown, but Clarke was sure as hell going to try to get the Griffin-Woods clan through the weekend with the lowest number of people hating each other as possible.  
  
As it tended to happen with big families, their schedules were built around food. They were having family dinner tonight, a large gathering where the extended family and friends would be invited to celebrate Lexa's birthday tomorrow, and at least three full meals every other day. Because of their background, it was no surprise that Aden had volunteered him and Jaime to be in charge of anything that had to do with meals. Aden and Jaime had met while working at one of Finn's restaurants and while she specialized in more modern and experimental cuisine, they both balanced each other out quite brilliantly. Jaime also dabbled in mixology so with the two of them taking point and everyone else lending a hand, the Griffin-Woods should be covered on the food and drinks front.  
  
Roa and Lexa could be heard approaching the living room and once they turned the corner and entered the space, Aden pivoted to greet them. The six foot four tall man wrapped his arms around Lexa and repeatedly kissed her face all over. Lexa laughed at the effusive show of affection.  
  
_"Hi mom."_  
  
Aden plants one last, lingering kiss on her forehead before backing away and smiling at her.  
  
_"Hello."_  
  
Aden swivels towards Roa and hugs her just as tight.  
  
_"Hey you. Where's your gang?"  
  
"I'm taking a vacation from them. Left them at home."_ Aden looks at her confused but mostly mildly horrified because Roa has the biggest family, a family that is made up of boys who could seemingly eat forever, which means that Aden gaged how much food he had to purchase for the weekend primarily around their appetites. Roa snickers and speaks again. _"They're in the back somewhere. Gi is with them."  
  
"I ordered twice as much food this time and it was mostly because of your men."_  
  
Everyone but Lexa laughs at the memory of last Christmas when pizzas had to be ordered after dinner because the boys claimed to still be hungry even following the copious amounts of food Aden and Clarke had prepared.  
  
_"Trust me, I know. Most of my paycheck goes to feeding them."_  
  
Aden wraps his arm around Lexa's shoulder and pulls her in for a half hug.  
  
_"How's the birthday girl doing today?"  
  
"It's my birthday?"  
  
"Not yet mom. It's on Sunday but you might as well think it is, because we're starting to celebrate today."_  
  
Aden effortlessly picks Lexa up and she squeals before he twirls her a couple of times. The room bursts in easy laughter.  
  
Aden had always been openly loving towards his family, but he has become that much softer and sweet with Lexa since her diagnosis. Without it ever being asked of him, Aden became very hands on and deeply involved with her care from the very first day. He would work eighteen hours straight at the restaurant and still find a way to stop by the apartment almost daily if only to give Lexa a kiss and have a quick chat with her.  
  
One of the biggest things doctors recommend for dementia patients is for the families to try and keep the patients occupied and constantly maintain their brains engaged. Aden took that advice to heart once he found out it could help slow down the progression of the disease. He would do small things like bring brain boosting game or puzzles for Lexa to work on during the day. He might also break out family albums and tell Lexa his favorite memories of any given day or trip they stumbled upon. Recently Aden had started coming to the apartment during every weekend or weekday visit he had with Giaco. Aden and Giaco would spend their allotted time together with Lexa baking cookies or cupcakes and waste hours decorating _~~(or as Clarke would call it “making a mess”)~~_ the sweet treats. It had become Aden's priority to be certain Giaco has as many memories with Lexa as he could give them. Aden was aware that before long Lexa might not be able to be an active participant in his son's life and this served as motivation to make sure they got the most out of their time together while they still could.  
  
_"I'm going to get some work done for tonight's dessert. Do you want to come help me or do you want to play with the kids?"_ Aden looks at Lexa and patiently waits for her to respond. Making decisions was becoming more and more challenging for Lexa and when she can’t seem to settle on something, Aden offers a simpler choice. _"How about this? Come help me for a little bit and then we can all go play with the monsters? How does that sound?"  
_  
Lexa nods and smiles.  
  
_"Sounds wonderful."  
  
"You made a good choice."_ Aden tells his mother encouragingly. _"I'm in need of a sous chef that can actually walk up to the counter."  
_  
Aden grins at Jaime and points at her belly to make sure Lexa understands what he's hinting at. Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Those do get in the way. My wife was always bumping the baby into things when she was pregnant. I'm shocked they came out normal."_  
  
Everyone laughs and turn to look at Clarke who shrugs.  
  
_"You guys all seem fine to me. Nothing to worry about."_  
  
The group chuckles again.  
  
_"You should tell me more stories about your wife. She sounds great."  
  
"She is. I'm sure she's somewhere around here. I'll introduce you when she's done fussing with the kids in the back. She's probably trying to get Jake to come out of his room. He's never liked it when there's too many people over. Makes him nervous I think."  
  
"He sounds like a sweet kid."  
  
"Very sweet. Smart too."  
  
"Tell me about him."_  
  
Aden coaxes his mother on while carefully guiding her towards the kitchen. Within seconds the two disappear into the back of the apartment. Once Lexa is gone the fake smiles everyone had mustered in her presence are wiped off and Roa sighs.  
  
_"Has that been happening a lot? Where she doesn't recognize even one of us?"_  
  
Anya nods as she runs her hands over her face and rubs her exhausted eyes.  
  
_"It's started to."_ Anya practically mumbles out.  
  
_"What does the doctor say?"_ Roa inquires further.  
  
_"There's nothing we can do."_ Clarke tells Roa emotionless. _"We make the best of it."  
_  
Roa runs her hands through her hair and exhales loudly.  
  
_"She doesn't remember anyone? At all?"  
  
"She always recognizes August, besides that it's a toss up. She hardly ever knows who me and Cos are but she still remembers mom a lot. Most of the time I'd say, not always though."_  
  
Roa looks over at Clarke and for the first time she can see how much this is weighing her down. She closes the distance between them and hugs Clarke tightly.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_  
  
Roa whispers into Clarke's ear. It's all she can really say. She thinks she knows how this must sting but she's also well aware she can't even fathom how she would navigate this if it were her and Justin in the same situation. Specially because regardless of how much she loves her husband, Roa can be honest about the fact that they don't have what her mothers do. Very few people alive have that level of connection and to suddenly see it truncated while one of them helplessly watches the other disintegrate must feel like being burned alive.  
  
_"It's okay."_ Anya, Roa, and Jaime can see Clarke's strength façade being rebuilt in an instant. _"This weekend isn't supposed to be sad. Anything but. We all get to enjoy her and we'll see what happens beyond that."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"It's too quiet in here. Let's go make sure they're not up to anything crazy."  
  
_ Roa starts heading for the back of the apartment and the rest of the women follow.

* * *

Dinner is in full swing. Everyone’s plates spill over with food and the cups brim with drinks. Aden’s menu for tonight consists of Frico, Pizzoccheri della Valtellina, a Cannellini salad, and Pollo alla Cacciatora. The lively group sits around the long, rustic wooden table that Clarke bought a few years ago to replace the one her children grew up with in order to accommodate the ever growing family.

Costia and Jaime are deep in conversation about the perks of skipping the pacifier, Aden listens attentively while Giaco and Xander narrate some fantastical tale they’ve come up with, Alex and August whisper at each other before giggling, Roa and Anya discuss one of the big news headlines of the day, Justin silently tries to feed an overly energized AJ, and Clarke helps Lexa by cutting her food into small bites that are manageable and present little to no risk of choking.  
  
_"I'm perfectly capable of doing that."_  
  
Lexa admonishes Clarke and even though Clarke knew that was untrue, she didn't antagonize Lexa.  
_  
"I know. Can I still do it? Please. I enjoy it."  
  
"Ok. But know that I could if you didn't want to."_  
  
Clarke snickers at the display of stubborness.  
  
_"Of course."_  
  
Lexa goes back and forth between looking at all the strange faces sitting around the table and watching Clarke cut up the feast on her plate. Clarke intermittently switches between cutting up food and organizing it neatly on the plate and gathering some up on the fork then raising it to Lexa’s lips.

 _“I can feed myse–”_

_“Shhhh! Open.”_

Clarke wiggles the fork in front of Lexa’s mouth trying to encourage her to eat. Lexa knots her brow and almost argues. Almost. Once Lexa consumes the forkful, Clarke silently resumes her slicing.

As she chews, Lexa surveys the guests anew. Truth be told, the sea of unfamiliar diners bemuse and unnerve Lexa even though they come across as perfectly jovial and very much unthreatening. Clarke would never invite people she didn't trust over to the house, but it still made Lexa feel overwrought to be surrounded by people she didn't recognize. Weirdly enough, Lexa notes they all seem comfortable here in her home. Lexa keeps trying to figure out how and why as she doesn't recall seeing any of them before if they are so familiar with both Clarke and their apartment. They must be some of Clarke's coworkers and they probably visit while she's at the office. It's the only logical explanation Lexa can come up with. Even as she attempts to rationalize the situation, Lexa remains perturbed. Suddenly, a clever thought crosses her mind. Lexa figures that having someone she knows aside from Clarke would probably help with the uneasy feeling creeping up her stomach.  
  
_"Can we call Anya? She should come over."_  
  
Anya, who sat next to the right of Lexa, interrupts the conversation she was having to turn and look at Lexa.  
  
_"I'm right here momma."_  
  
Lexa scoffs and dismisses her.  
  
_"You're not my sister."_  
  
It quickly dawns on Anya which of the two Anyas her mother was referring to. She takes Lexa's hand and squeezes it gently before reminding her of something painful.  
  
_"Mom, Aunt Anya died almost eleven years ago."_  
  
Lexa instantly goes stiff and quiet. She's obviously upset. Roa stops fussing with the toddler covered in pasta that sat on the high chair adjacent to her to walk over to her mother. She lovingly wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and kissing the side of her head.  
  
_"You okay?"_  
  
Lexa forcefully yanks her hand out of Anya's grasp and moves to shove Roa's arms from her body. She's angry.  
  
_"I would remember if my sister died! You're lying to me."_  
  
The room becomes somber. Clarke pushes her chair back so that she can turn to fully face Lexa.  
  
_"Hey. Hey, Lex..."_  
  
Lexa's chest rises and falls quickly as her breath begins to pick up and her eyes move from side to side once and again. She's confused and upset.  
  
Clarke lovingly strokes Lexa's hair trying to get her attention.  
  
_"Lexa..."_ Clarke slowly touches Lexa's chin and turns her wife's face towards her. _"Lex."_ When Lexa's eyes finally look up at hers Clarke speaks. _"Do you think we would do that? Lie to you?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't think you would but..."_ Lexa lowers her voice and leans closer to Clarke _. "...them. I don't know."_  
  
Lexa huffs in frustration.  
  
_"They...that's our family. Look..."_ Clarke begins to point around the table. _"That's Costia. That's Nana. Roa is behind you and Aden is right over there. They're all grown up but we're your family Lexa."_ Lexa looks around the room at everyone Clarke pointed too, but it doesn't make sense. Their children are small. They're kids in school. That isn't them. It's impossible. _"Families don't lie to each other. Anya is gone but she loved you very much. You were right there with her until the last moment."_  
  
Lexa looks around the room once more and her mind races even faster. It can't be, could it? She turns to Clarke and sees nothing but honesty written on her face. How can this be her family? Her children are young and these are all adults. Where is Jake? Who is Aden? Lexa has many questions but the one at the forefront of her mind is still her sister.  
  
_"How?"  
  
"She got pneumonia. She was just as stubborn as you and refused to admit she was sick. By the time we got her to go to the doctor it was really bad. There were complications and her heart couldn’t take it. She fought like hell though. Typical Anya. She went out on her own terms."_  
  
Lexa leans towards Clarke and hugs her wife. Her sister is dead and for some strange reason she didn't know. Something is happening to her and she isn't quite sure how to handle it.  
  
This was definitely the worst part of Lexa's disease for Clarke. Seeing Lexa relive bad memories was a hard pill to swallow. They've had to remind her about Anya's passing hundreds of times in the last couple of years and it still doesn't get easier because Lexa is wholly devastated every time. It feels cruel that they have to keep doing this to her. Going through that loss once should've been enough.  
  
Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa and speaks softly.  
  
_"Do you want to go lie down?"_ Lexa shakes her head. _"Ok. Do you want to eat some more? Aden made us some new recipes he's testing out. Maybe we can tell him what we think. How does that sound?"  
_  
Lexa doesn't move and Clarke looks around the table. All eyes are on them and everyone, including the children, seem to be distraught by the moment. The youngest ones can't really grasp the complexity of what is going on, but on the most basic terms they understand that their grandmother is upset and that in turn makes them upset. Before Clarke can say anything else, Lexa pulls back and wipes her face with the back of her hands.  
  
_"Do you need anything?"_  
  
Clarke asks and out of the corner of her eyes Lexa can see the entirety of the table looking in their direction. She's suddenly consumed by embarrassment and shakes her head no.  
  
Roa leans in to kiss the top of Lexa's head before walking back to her seat and resumes feeding her daughter. The rest of the diners slowly recommence eating but the conversation doesn't organically pick back up and no one wants to be the person to force it so they all work through their meals without saying much of anything.

* * *

For the next eighteen minutes no one says much. The family eats in nearly complete silence which is unusual for this particular group because if there's one thing they're hardly ever lacking is words.  
  
Lexa refused to eat any more after the exchange and instead of forcing it, Clarke focused on eating her own plate of food. Now that she's done, Clarke holds Lexa's hand under the table while slowly caressing her thumb over Lexa's wrinkled skin and resting her head on her wife’s shoulder.  
  
Clarke lifts her head to kiss Lexa's cheek and uses the moment to whisper in her ear.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
Lexa turns to look at her, smiles faintly, and nods in acknowledgement but doesn't reciprocate the sentiment.  
  
_"What did you do today before we got here grandma?"_  
  
Xander looks at Lexa and asks with his mouth half full.  
  
_"Hey."_ Justin reprimands the boy. _"Swallow before speaking."_  
  
Without it really registering that the little boy had called her "Grandma", Lexa begins to talk.  
  
_"After I dropped you off at school I had to go to court. We have a big case going on. We're trying to get a bad guy in jail but he has a really expensive team of lawyers and they're making it difficult."  
  
"Oh..."_  
  
Xander replies with amusement. He knows that's not what she did but his mom also explained that his grandmother gets confused sometimes and they should all be nice about it if she does.  
  
_"I'm sure you'll win grandma."_  
  
August eggs Lexa on from her seat.  
  
_"You should've seen Jake at practice."_ Lexa turns to Clarke with an enlivened smile on her face. _"He almost hit a home run."_ Lexa goes back to looking at Xander. _"You did good today Jay. I think you guys are ready for the game on Saturday."  
  
"That's great, love. I'm sure they'll do fantastic."  
_  
Clarke encourages Lexa with a firm squeeze of her hand. It's all Lexa needs to go on a rant tangent about things that happened years ago, things which she speaks about in present tense.

* * *

When dinner wrapped up Clarke insisted Lexa lay down but when she found staunch resistance on Lexa's part, she let it go. They moved on to getting the young ones ready for bed and cleaning up the dining room and the kitchen. The moment Aden tried to help with either thing the women shooed him out. Anya claimed that since he had cooked, he wasn't responsible for anything else that night. The lack of chores left Aden without nothing to do and that is how he found himself in the living room, standing behind Lexa, looking at her while she quietly stares out the window.  
  
A hand sneaks under his shirt, comes to rest on the small of his back, and begins to caress his skin. Knowing exactly who that is, Aden lifts his arm over his fiancée's head and wraps it around her shoulder.  
  
_"He's out. Didn't even get a chance to give him a bath. He fell asleep while I was taking his clothes of."_  
  
Aden chuckles.  
  
_"He had an exciting day. I'm not surprised."_ Aden turns to kiss the side of Jaime's temple. _"Thanks for putting him to bed."  
  
"Of course."_ Jaime rests her head against Aden's chest and turns to look at Lexa. _"She was in a good mood towards the end of dinner."  
  
"She was. But mom hated the morbid jokes she was making. You could see it in her face."  
  
"It can't be easy to hear her wife joke about death with all that's going on."  
  
"Yeah, momma doesn't get it though. She doesn't understand why some of the things she says are kind of messed up but I also feel like it's just her way of coping so there's not much we can do." _ Jaime hums in agreement before she yawns. _"You should go to bed."  
  
_ Jaime yawns again and nods.  
  
_"I'm tired."  
  
"I know. Go. I'll be there in a little bit. I'm going to sit with her for a few minutes."  
_  
Aden leans down and kisses Jaime's lips before removing his arm from around her shoulders. Jaime simply nods and heads for the back of the apartment while Aden watches her go. Once Jaime turns the corner for the hallway that leads to the bedrooms, Aden moves towards Lexa.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Aden plops down on the empty spot on the couch next to his mother.  
  
_"Hi."_  
  
Lexa offer him a kind smile.  
  
_"How's your night going?"_  
  
Aden takes a sip of the beer he's been nursing for some time while looking at her waiting for an answer.  
  
_"It's lovely. Everyone is really nice."  
  
"Yeah? That's good."  
  
"Are you excited about your birthday?"  
  
"It's my birthday?"  
_  
Lexa asked confused and slightly surprised.  
  
_"On Sunday."  
  
"Oh. Well, I hope Clarke and the kids don't fuss too much over me. They always go overboard. Last year my son..."_ For a second Aden perks up thinking Lexa will remember that he had arranged for them to have dinner at one of the prime tables at the restaurant that had the best views in all of New York City. Lexa had called him excessive, but he didn't mind. _"...his name is Jake..."_ Aden's hopeful expression vanishes. _"...he had the whole team write me a huge banner. They got me a cake and brought it out to the field before the game started. They got the crowd to sing for me."  
_  
Lexa's face lights up at the memory.  
  
_"Your son Jake, is...is he your only boy?"_  
  
Lexa nods and Aden struggles to smile. He doesn't know why he does this. He knows that the answer to that question will always hurt him, but he white knuckles onto his hopes that one day he will hear something different.  
  
_"Yes, we only got the one. He's the second youngest and has three sisters. He lets them do whatever they want with him. He's their plaything."_  Lexa giggles recalling all the trouble they managed to get into. _"They're a handful but they're great."  
  
"I bet." _  
  
Aden takes a long swig of his beer.  
_  
"You work with my wife at the gallery?"  
  
"I'm a chef actually."  
  
"Wow! Congratulations."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"A chef. That must mean you love cooking. I enjoy cooking. I'm not amazing at it, but I like it. I can feed the kids, but I couldn't pass as a chef any day."  
  
"I think you're selling yourself short there. I've heard you make a great lasagna."_  
  
Lexa laughs softly.  
  
_"The kids do like the lasagna."  
  
"And I do actually."_ Lexa looks at Aden expecting clarification. _"Love cooking I meant. Very much. I think cooking for and feeding someone is one of the most intimate exchanges between humans. It's the ultimate sign of trust one can offer a person. You're presuming that whoever is cooking will not only not poison you, but will also make the experience pleasurable and exciting. I kind of figured out what I wanted to do later in life than most, but when I did it all sort of clicked."  
  
"Good things take time. By the way you talk about food it sounds like it was definitely worth it for you."  
  
_ Aden clears his throat and takes a sip of his beer.  
  
_"My mom...she said that to me one night after I told them I wanted to switch majors and go to culinary school."  
  
"It seems like she was right."  
  
"She was. Happens often with her. She's the smartest woman I know."  
  
"Moms...we have a way of tricking the kids into thinking we're geniuses."_ They both laugh. _"I'll let you in on a secret: we're just trying to figure it out as we go along."  
  
"If that's what she was doing she did an amazing job of hiding it."_  
  
Lexa hums.  
  
_"So, what sort of things do you make?"_  
  
Lexa inquires further with genuine interest.  
  
_"Northern Italian food is what I primarily focus on."  
  
"I don't think I know much about the food in that area. Is it any different than normal Italian food?"_  
  
_"It has a lot of elements people recognize as Italian but it also has unique, distinctly regional things. What most people around the world recognized as Italian food originated on the southern part of the peninsula. Southern Italy has historically been the poorer half of the country and that is reflected a lot in their food. Northern Italian food is more influenced by places like Switzerland, France, and Austria versus the Mediterranean influences of the south. There’s more butter instead of olive oil, rice is used more often than pasta, and beef is prevalent because the terrain and wealth of the area allowed for cattle to be raised more easily. Southern Italian cooking is pasta on pasta but on the north you’ll find more stews and risotto and polenta. They also invented some of the most well known cured meats like prosciutto di Parma, also the infamous Parmigiano, pesto, and gnocchi.”_ By now, Aden is full on blurting the words out. Even a stranger could tell that this is a topic he is wildly passionate about and something he is fully knowledgeable on. _“Northern Italy is like a treasure chest of recipes and I’m in love with it. I really am. You’ll find a different preparation for the same dish depending on what village you visit or Nonna you meet and while at it’s core they are all the same item, each version has it’s own personality and the tiny variations make them completely distinct. The whole thing feels a bit magical to me."_  

By the time Aden allows himself to take a breather, her notices the grin on Lexa’s face.  
_  
"I think you made a good choice switching to culinary school. Clearly it's where your heart is. I'm sure your family is more than okay with the switch."  
  
"I hope they are. I...I sometimes feel like I have big shoes to fill. I never want to let them down."  
  
"All parents ever want is for their kids to be happy. At the end of the day it really is just that. You found a thing you loved and went after it. I can tell it fulfills you. That's all your parents need to see. If my son ever finds that, I'd be proud of him. No matter what it was."_  
  
Aden is doing his best to keep it together, but his emotions are quite close to getting the best of him.  
  
_"He's a lucky kid."  
  
"I think I'm the lucky one."  
  
"Do you..."_  
  
Before Aden can continue, Alex and August rush into the living room. August plops herself down next to Lexa and Alex squeezes between Lexa and Aden.  
  
_"Grandma, we set up the chess board in the office. Do you want to come play?"  
  
"You guys would definitely win."  
  
"No way! You always beat us."_  
  
Alex reminds her of the countless times Lexa has bested the pair.  
  
_"Do I or do you pretend to let me win?"_  
  
August and Alex look at each other, speaking a million words without saying a single one out loud.  
  
_"No. You just win."_  
  
August reassures her.  
  
_"Okay then. A game won't hurt."_  
  
Alex turns to Aden.  
  
_"Do you want to come play too?"_  
  
In one swift motion Aden flips the boy over, leaving him laying across the opposite side of the couch and the teenager cackles.

The kids love their Uncle Aden and it wasn't hard to notice why. Aden turned into a big kid when he was around all his nieces and nephews. He wasn't above roughhousing with them, or going down slides, or playing in the mud. If it got a laugh out of the kids, he was down with it.  
  
_"No, I think it's bed time for me. You keep her entertained. Let me know how badly she whoops your butt."_  
  
Aden kisses the top of both the teenagers’ heads. Once he does, he moves to stand up and the kids send him off.  
  
_"Night."  
  
"Good night Uncle Aden."_  
  
Lexa's head turns at the sound of the name. She thoroughly examines the young man's face and a tender smile slowly forms on her face.  
  
_"Aden."_  
  
For a second there's a spark of recognition in her eyes and Aden falls back onto the couch.  
  
_"Hey ma. How you doing?"_  
  
Lexa extends her hand and places it over his, patting it a few times. Before she has a chance to reply Roa walks into the living room.  
  
_"Hey. Can you come help us move the stove? AJ's binky slid under and I need to get it before she starts losing her mind."  
  
"Grandma, I think you could play both of us. lt could be the two of us against you. That may be way more fair."_  
  
Aden turns to Roa and the kids grab Lexa's attention.  
  
_"Uhm...yeah. I'll...five minutes, okay?"_  
  
Aden pleads, desperate to get back to his conversation with his mother. It's been so long since he's talked to her and he's craving for it. Obviously he talks with Lexa all the time, he was doing it just minutes ago but it must have been weeks since he had a conversation with his mom. Talking with Lexa is one thing, but chatting with his mother...the one who is fully aware of who he is, has become something Aden covets more than anything he can think of at this point in time in his life. He would do virtually anything to have his mother back if even for just half an hour.  
  
_"Mom."_ Aden tries to get Lexa's attention away from the Alex and August. _"Mom. Hey."_  
  
Aden squeezes Lexa hand which forces her to heed his efforts and she turns towards him. Aden looks into her eyes hoping to catch that glimpse of recognition, but it's gone. The Lexa he needs isn't there anymore.  
  
Lexa looks down at their joined hands and slowly retreats hers.  
  
_"Hi. Are you a friend of my wife?"_  
  
Aden's chest caves in on itself.  
  
_"Yeah. Yeah, I am."  
  
"She must be in the back with the kids. I can get her for you."_  
  
Lexa makes to stand up and Aden stops her.  
  
_"It's okay. I know where she is. I was just about to go find her."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. You can stay here with them. They need me to help lift some stuff in the back."  
  
"Good. She shouldn't be carrying things. Not with how far along she is."  
  
"I'll make sure she doesn't."  
  
"I appreciate it."_  
  
Lexa smiles at Aden and without a second thought turns back to focus on the kids who talk at her.  
  
Instead of taking a right to move in the direction of the kitchen, Aden makes a left heading for the bedrooms. He locks himself in one of the bathrooms until he's made sure there's no trace of the tears that cascaded down his face.

* * *

** Friday June 29th, 2063 **

Lexa begins to wake when she feels a tiny, pudgy finger poking into her sunken face.  
  
_"Gentle."_  
  
A voice softly whispers from what Lexa recognizes is a few feet to her right. Lexa opens her eyes to find a small face hovering millimeters above hers. The little human pokes her cheekbone once more, this time with significantly higher amount of force than her previous efforts.  
  
_"Ow."_  
  
Lexa barely mumbles as she tries to figure out why there's a small child she doesn't recognize this close to her.  
  
_"AJ, easy!"_  
  
Roa walks over to the bed and picks up the little girl who instantly begins to scream and squirm.  
  
_"No! Mommy no!"  
  
"We have to be sweet to grandma. You and your heavy hands can't seem to do that."_  
  
Lexa feels more bodies move on the bed and much to her surprise turns to find Alex, Xander, August, and Giaco staring at her. The moment they recognize the fact that they have her attention, their energy surges in thunderous chatter.  
  
_"Morning grandma!"  
  
"Hi grandma!"  
  
"Grandma Lexa we made you breakfast!"_  
  
Lexa is usually most confused in the mornings. It tends to take her a while to get her bearings. This morning was not the exception and the crowd of spectators was certainly not helping matters much.  
  
_"Clarke?"  
  
"She's in the kitchen, ma. She sent us to get you for breakfast. It's almost ten thirty. We've been waiting for you but you slept in."_  
  
Even after she retired as Manhattan's District Attorney the year she turned seventy, Lexa had purposefully kept her routine mostly intact. It had a lot to do with the fact that with August around they still had a school aged child in the apartment every day and she needed to do things like homework and after school activities. Outside of having a lot more time to read while August was at school, Lexa continued to wake up and go to bed around the same time as she did when she was working. That started to change after her dementia waxed. Her schedule became abruptly erratic and she could and would wake up at five in the morning or seven at night. Clarke has tried to keep her on as much of a schedule as she can, but it hasn't been effective. They've learned to simply take it day by day. With the family here, Clarke wanted to make sure they took advantage of the time they had so when Lexa wasn't up by mid morning she sent in who she thought would do a solid job at waking anyone up: the grandkids.  
  
_"Clarke."  
  
"Mom, she's with Aden making food. We came to help you get ready. I brought assistants and everything. You guys want to help get grandma going for the day, right?"_  
  
A chorus of yeses rips through the group of little humans. Lexa examines every face in the room. Not being able to recognize anyone except for a single person brings her to the very edge of panic and she wants Clarke to explain what's going on.  
  
_"August, can you get Clarke for me?"_  
  
August turns to her aunt to see if she's allowed. Roa nods and August bolts out of the room to find her other grandmother.  
  
The rest of the kids try to engage with Lexa who remained noncommittal and standoffish. Less than a minute later Clarke and August saunter into the room.  
  
_"I sent my best team to get you, Lex."_  
  
Clarke jokingly reprimands her.  
  
_"Why are there so many people in our room?"  
  
"They came to wake you up but I see you're still in bed so they didn't do a good job, did they?"_ Clarke jabs Giaco on the side and he immediately devolves into a giggle fit. _"They really didn't!"_ Clarke pokes Alex and Xander this time and they also laugh at their grandmother's silliness. _"Ok, well...they do say if you want something done right you should do it yourself. You guys go back to the kitchen and help finish grandma's breakfast. Make it extra special. I'll make sure she gets her booty moving."_  
  
Clarke motions her head towards the door and the kids bolt up from the bed and out of the room.  
  
_"Do you need me to help?"_  
  
Roa asks hovering a few feet away from the bed with AJ still throwing a mild tantrum in her arms.  
_  
"It's okay. I got it. You can go help your brother."  
  
"Cool."_  
  
With that Roa leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Clarke sits on Lexa's side of the bed.  
  
_"Did someone superglue you to the sheets last night? It's almost the middle of the day. We need to get you going."  
  
"I'm tired."  
  
"You slept more than twelve hours Lexa. It's time to get up. We have company."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The kids are staying here for the weekend. It's like a big sleepover."  
  
"What kids?"  
  
"Cos, Nana, Ro, and Aden. They came with their babies. We have a full house and they are all quite excited to spend time with you so we need to get you up."_ Lexa huffs and turns her back to Clarke. _"No, we're not doing that today."_ Clarke gets up from the bed and rips the blankets and sheets from Lexa's body. _"I need you to get up."  
_  
As Lexa's disease progressed, Clarke and Lexa's relationship had evolved along with it. They still very much had the romantic partner dynamic present above all else, but there was also a very real parent/child element to their relationship that came into play when Lexa was having difficult moments such as these. It was sometimes hard to reconcile, but Clarke never really had a problem bossing Lexa around so it also wasn't too big of an adjustment either.  
  
_"Alexandria."_  
  
Clarke uttered her wife’s name firmly which caused Lexa to roll her eyes but ultimately did the trick of convincing her to stand. Lexa throws her feet over the edge of the mattress and sits up in the bed.  
  
_"Happy?"_  
  
Lexa asks with a hint of pejorative mocking in her voice.  
  
_"With you? Always."_  
  
Clarke extends her hand which Lexa takes and she pulls her wife up to her feet. Within seconds they have made their way to the bathroom and Clarke runs the shower so the water can start heating up.

* * *

After Clarke has assisted Lexa with bathing, brushing her teeth, as well as drying and braiding her hair she helps her get dressed. Clarke positions Lexa in front of the dresser where she can hold on as Clarke slips the pair of dress pants on. When she moves on to button Lexa's shirt, Clarke begins to give her instructions for the day.  
  
_"Everyone is getting here around five thirty. If you get tired after lunch you have to let me know so that you can sleep for a little bit before people arrive."_  
  
Lexa mumbles something that seems like a complaint but doesn't outright respond.  
  
_"You..."_ Clarke playfully but firmly taps Lexa's chin with her pointer finger to get her attention. Lexa brings up her eyes to meet Clarke's and knots her brow annoyed at Clarke's antics. _"Be nice. The babies are excited to spend time with you and you're being a grouch."  
  
"I'm no such thing."_  
  
Lexa grouses, completely defeating the purpose of her rebuttal.  
  
_"Sure. Hey..."_ Clarke tells Lexa with a more serious inflection to her voice as she straightens her collar. _"I know you sometimes get overwhelmed if there's a lot of people around, but the whole group is coming over tonight. If it's too much I need you to tell me so that we don't get a repeat of last time. The little ones would be scared if they saw that."  
  
"What happened last time?"  
  
"You threw a fit and began screaming then kicked our friends out of the house."  
_  
_"I would never do that!”_  
  
Lexa tsks at Clarke, clearly aggravated that she would even be accused of something like that.  
  
_"Lexa, it happened. I'm not arguing with you about it. Can you let me know if you're getting uncomfortable so that we can avoid a scene? Please."_  
  
Clarke stares at Lexa waiting for her to concede.  
  
_"If I'm even slightly uneasy I will let you know."  
  
"Good."_ Clarke leans in and kisses her. _"I love you. Even when you're being a mean old lady."_ Clarke smiles and leans forward to peck Lexa's lips one last time before leading them out of the bedroom. _"Big day. Best behavior. Remember that."  
_  
Clarke reminds her as she would have any of their children before a big event.

* * *

Aden moves around the kitchen with precision and intent. Jaime and Roa wrangled the children out of the space because they ended up being more of an obstacle than anything. Anya stayed behind to give her brother an extra hand. That is how she ended up with a small pile of an assortment of chopped vegetables in front of her.  
  
_"Dice those shallots as small as you can. I'm trying to hide them or Xan won't eat the eggs."_  
  
Aden instructs over his shoulder as he moves to the stove to stir and taste each of the various pans and pots he has going on simultaneously. In the process Aden touches a hot metal edge and reels his hand back with a loud hiss. He knows it's not anything serious so he limits himself to heavily cursing under his breath.  
  
_"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah. It's nothing."  
  
"And beyond the burn?"  
  
"What?"_  
  
Aden turns to look at his sister.  
_  
"How are you doing? In general I mean."_  
  
Aden knots his brow much like Lexa is known to do and faces the stove once again. He can't look at Anya and successfully lie.  
  
_"I'm good. Yeah. Just trying to get this finished."_  
  
Aden tries to play off Anya's concern in the most nonchalant way.  
_  
"For some reason, you and mom believe bathrooms in this house are more soundproof than they actually are."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Last night."_  
  
It takes Aden a few seconds to get what his sister is referring to but when it hits him his eyes dart back to the cutting board he had laid our next to the stove and he instantly makes himself busy.  
  
_"Oh."_  
  
Anya also resumes her slicing.  
  
_"What was that about?"  
  
"I was tired. It was a long day."  
  
"Adey..."_ Aden dumps the contents of his cutting board into the scorching hot skillet and it promptly sizzles. Anya looks up at her brother and firmly holds her gaze. Aden can resemble Lexa in how evasive he could be about his emotions and the things going on in his head when he has decided not to deal with them. _"You and me...we're here every day. Outside of mom, we know more than Cos or Ro or anyone else about how bad it's really getting. I know what it's doing to me, so I have a pretty good idea what it's doing to you too."  
_  
Aden clears his throat but doesn't speak.  
  
_"Aden."  
  
"Nana."_ Aden pleads with his sister. _"Come on. Not now."_  
  
Anya doesn't need to be told what's plaguing Aden’s mind. She knows him too intimately and can effortlessly decipher what's bothering him without it needing to be laid out for her. Anya puts the knife down and moves in her brother’s direction. Aden is nearly a foot taller than Anya so as she lands in front of him he feels imposing, but when she looks into his eyes he somehow also feels frail and small. Aden averts her eyes and forces his hands to fidget with the edge of his sweater.  
  
_"Hey."_ Anya waits for Aden to look at her. She knows it's going to take him a second to give in, but he eventually will. She's memorized his tells and learned to work around his mannerisms since he was a little boy. When Aden's blue eyes lock on her own, Anya speaks faintly. _"She loves you. She might not be able to say it, but she does."_  
  
Aden closes his eyes and his chin trembles. He's doing his very best to not let this get the best of him.  
  
_"I miss her."_  
  
Aden barely utters the words but Anya hears him. She always does.  
  
_"I know. I do too."_  
  
Aden bends down to meet his sister in a firm embrace. Less than a handful of seconds into it, Clarke walks into the kitchen with AJ in her arms. Clarke was heading for the fridge to get the little girl some cereal but stops when she comes across the intimate moment. It takes Clarke but a moment to gage the situation.  
  
_"What's wrong?"_  
  
Aden lifts his face from Anya's neck and immediately composes himself. This was not for Clarke to witness. She has too much on her plate already.  
  
_"Work."_ Aden stands straight while wiping his face with the back of his hands and for a flashing second Clarke sees a glimpse of her toddler again. _"It's been a long week."_ Aden closes the distance between him and his mother before leaning in and kissing the side of Clarke's head. _"No big deal."_  
  
_"It's almost offensive that all of you think I buy the 'I'm fine' crap you have started doing lately, but I also know who you got it from and I know how stubborn she is so I'm not going to push it. Forcing it never worked with your mom which means I know it won't work with you either. You'll let me know when you're ready and when you are, I'll listen."_ Clarke looks at her two grown children and when neither one of them adds anything she resumes speaking. _"She's at the table."  
  
"I just need ten more minutes."  
_  
Aden states while getting back to work.  
  
Clarke and Anya look at each other. They have an entire exchange without needing to verbalize anything at all. Anya ends it by shrugging and returning to her chopping. Clarke resumes walking and when she arrives at her original designation she pulls out a sippy cup that was already full of milk mixed with cereal and hands it to AJ. The little girl immediately latches on.  
  
_"I'll let everyone know it's almost ready."_  
  
Without anything else to add, Clarke leaves the kitchen.  
  
_"Aden..."  
  
"She has too much to worry about already."  
  
"She's going to worry anyway. Maybe talking to her will help. If anyone gets it, it's her."_  
  
Aden carefully transfers the ricotta and prosciutto frittata from the skillet onto one of the serving plates and heads for the door.  
  
_"Stop babying me. I don't need it."_  
  
Aden bites at his sister as he passes her on his way to the door. That was Anya's confirmation that she pushed him too far. For now, she has no choice but to let it be.

* * *

Costia lays naked on the mattress that rests on the floor of the messy studio apartment living room slash bedroom slash dining room slash kitchen layout. The muggy, post-sex air is filled with echoes of the steady urine stream created by whoever is using the attached private bathroom. Suddenly, the accented voice of a man flows through the open bathroom door and adds to the sounds.  
  
_"Where does your family think you are?"_  
  
Neel, a strikingly attractive and naked British-Indian man, leans back far enough to expose the top half of his unclothed torso out the threshold and looks at Costia curiously.  
  
_"Work."_  
  
The sound of liquid hitting liquid stops and is quickly replaced by the toilet flushing and the faucet opening.  
  
_"How did you get that by them on a Saturday?"  
  
"I've trained them not to ask many questions."_ Costia sighs as Neel exits the bathroom and heads for the bed. _"Why are we talking about my family? The whole reason I'm here is to avoid them. This conversation defeats the purpose."  
  
_ Neel flops his body unceremoniously onto the bed and the mattress jiggles. Costia laughs at the childish display.  
  
_"Am I ever going to meet them?"_  
  
Costia dramatically rolls her eyes.  
  
_"How many times? That's is not what this is. This is fun. This is uncomplicated. You keep trying to make us something we are not, but it's not going there. I've been honest with you since the beginning. I don't know where you get these ideas from."_  
  
Neel hovers over Costia with a smirk on his face before leaning down to kiss her softly.  
  
_"I figure if I ask enough times you might break."_  
  
Costia brings her hands to either side of his face and tries to let him down as easy as she can.  
  
_"Not happening."_  
  
Neel scans Costia's face reverently. His eyes give away how bewitched he is by this woman. He firmly holds her gaze and speaks.  
  
_"I like you."  
  
"Don't blame you."  
  
"A lot."  
  
"It's understandable."_  
  
Costia laughs trying to deflect the seriousness of his words and the conversation as a whole.  
  
_"I could be there for you and for your kid."  
  
"She doesn't need anyone but me."_  
  
The firmness in Costia's voice should've been an indication that this was the wrong approach to take, but Neel coasts right through the warning sings.  
  
_"I know. I get it. Help wouldn't hurt, you know?"  
  
"Let it be. You're going to ruin a good thing if you keep this up."_  
  
Costia pushes him away and she sits up in bed before reaching for the shirt that lay on the floor next to the mattress and throwing it over her head.  
  
_"Still hoping you'll change your mind."  
  
"You were in my sister's class last semester. Your graduation gown and cap are still hanging in your closet. You're not meeting my family."  
  
"If the age thing bugs you that much then why do we keep doing this?”_  
  
Costia is getting irritated now. She didn't start sleeping with a twenty two year old to get into arguments with him. This is the last thing she wanted and she barks at him.  
  
_"It doesn't bug me! You're just not coming over for dinner with the parents anytime soon."_  
  
Costia's phone buzzes for the fifth time in the last twenty minutes and the insistence of the person on the other end does nothing but add to her vexation causing her to loudly groan.  
  
_"They really want you home, don't they?"  
  
"The more they text me the longer it'll take for me to get there."  
  
"Oh...is that what you do to me?"_  
  
Costia turns over her shoulder to look at the naked man behind her. She smirks slyly and shrugs.  
  
_"I like you Costia Griffin."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes at his insistence before twisting her body in a way that allows her to quickly maneuver herself into a kneeling position on the bed. Within seconds she is straddling Neel's chest, looking down at him.  
  
_"I want to see you outside this apartm..."_  
  
Neel is cut off by Costia's mouth on his. After a few seconds she pulls away.  
  
_"This is sex. Nothing more. It never will be."  
  
"I just think it sucks that you won't even let me try."  
  
"Look, we're not going to keep having this conversation. You can either be fine with things as they are or we end it. I'm not looking to fuck you over so if you can't do the first, then I will walk out that door and we're done."  
  
"Those are my only two options."  
  
"Just those two."_  
  
Neel looks over at Costia contemplating. Some long seconds later he pulls the woman who is over twenty years his senior down towards him.  
  
_"I'll take what I can get I guess."  
  
"Smart choice."_  
  
Within seconds, Costia's shirt is back off yet again. When the phone buzzes a sixth and seventh time, she throws the tailored fabric over her shoulder in an attempt to muffle the sound. They manage to ignore the buzzing for a couple more orgasms.

* * *

Jaime, Alex, August, and Justin are engrossed in an in depth yet jovial conversation about fantasy and science fiction in literature. The adults listen fondly as the younger pair currently recounts in great detail their favorite aspects of the Philip Pullman fantasy trilogy they just finished reading. Giaco, Xander, and AJ chase each other around the dining room and masterfully evade colliding into legs as Aden and Anya walk out of the kitchen transporting the first sampling of banquet they had prepared. Lexa listfully watches the children play with an easy, content smile on her face. Clarke and Roa chit chat next to her.  
  
_"Did you text your sister?"_  
  
A more than slightly aggravated Clarke asks Roa for what feels like the fiftieth time in the last hour.  
  
_"She's ignoring me."  
  
"Why couldn't she just bring him home instead of having to take time away from this weekend? I told her I needed her here every day."  
  
"Mom, let her be."  
  
"She keeps lying about being at work. What if something happens one day and we don't know where to look for her? She should tell us where she actually is."  
  
"Honestly Ma, don't argue with her about it. Maybe the s-e-x will make her relax."_  
  
As if on cue, Alex and August concurrently stop talking in order to groan and pretend to dry heave from the other end of the table.  
  
_"They can't spell but we can. You know that right?"_  
  
Alex chimes while pointing at the little ones prancing around and August attempts to get up.  
  
_"I'm going to go bleach my ears."  
  
"Oh, sit down. Just because you guys aren't allowed to have sex doesn't mean we can't."  
  
"That's _**really** _gross."_  
  
Alex looks at Roa horrified.  
  
_"Save me the dramatics. You don’t clear your search history as thoroughly as you think you do and, as unfortunate as it is for the both us, I’ve seen it. Let’s not talk about ‘gross’."  
  
" **MOM!** "_  
  
Roa smirks devilishly at the speed in which her firstborn's face turns a deep crimson shade. When she feels she has sufficiently relished in her son’s embarrassment, Roa turns her attention to the toddler furiously trying to climb onto her lap while unintelligibly ranting over what the woman can gather is some sort of complaint against the two younger boys still dashing around the room. August can't help but chuckle at the redness that has taken hold of Alex's face but her teasing doesn’t last long. August stops laughing at once the moment her best friend rallies the courage to look up from his lap and stare at her in horrified disbelief. She scrunches her nose and loudly slumps back onto her seat hoping he won’t try to get her back for that later.  
  
_"Okaaaaaaay. We haven't even had breakfast. Let's not traumatize the teenagers too much just yet."_  
  
Anya jumps into the conversation when her and Aden walk out with the last of the plates brimming with food. Anya places the serving dish at the empty space across from her chair while Aden moves into his spot between Jaime and Giaco.  
  
_"Eat! Come on. It's better when it's still warm."_  
  
Aden encourages everyone to dig in and dig in they do. In less than a few minutes half of the food has been distributed amongst individual plates and the table is filled with both pleasantries for the chef and generic jabber.

* * *

The meal is all but over – and it has been for a while – but the family remains at the table happily engaging with each other. Miraculously the kids haven't complained about the current and very much lowkey situation. It certainly was mostly because they had found ways to keep themselves entertained with the centerpiece decorations Clarke had recently bought but, whatever the reason, the adults were just delighted that the three small tornadoes were staying put.  
  
_"Jay."_ Xander, currently oblivious to the fact that Lexa is in fact addressing him, carries on playing with his little cousin and Lexa gets no answer. _"Jake."  
_  
Justin temporarily pauses the conversation he was having with Jaime to lean down and whispers to his son.  
  
_"I think grandma is calling you."_  
  
With that, the little boy raises his head and looks at his grandmother. When she's finally acknowledged, Lexa waves the boy over.  
  
_"Come here."_  
  
Lexa effusively beckons him. Without hesitation, the little boy stands and beelines over to stand next to her.  
_  
"We should go down to the park and practice your swing. Maybe your pitch too if we make enough progress."  
  
"I don't know how to play baseball."_  
  
Lexa chuckles as if the boy said something funny.  
  
_"You've come up with some good excuses to not practice but that's a first. Go get your gear. We can have ice cream after."  
  
"I don't have gear."_  
  
The boy tells his grandmother sheepishly, almost embarrassed.  
  
_"Jay, come on. We need to practice. Get your bat."  
  
"But I don't have a bat grandma."  
  
"Enough!"_ Lexa viciously snaps, screaming at Xander and her hand comes up to his arm gripping it strong enough that the boy feels her boney fingers digging into his flesh. The occupants of the table immediately focus their attention on the exchange but before any of them has a chance to intervene, Lexa yells once more. _"Get your bag. Now!"_  
  
Xander, scared by the outburst, instantly begins to cry.  
_  
"Lexa, stop! You're scaring him."_  
  
Justin’s voice booms from the opposite end of the table. Lexa is taken aback by the volume and intensity of the demand and visibly jolts instantly letting Xander's arm go. Justin rushes towards his son and in one fell swoop lifts the child from the floor with ease. The little boy wraps his arms around his father's neck, latching onto the comfort it offers with palpable desperation as he openly weeps. Roa hastily pushes her chair back and moves to stand directly across from Justin, ending up between him and Lexa.  
  
_"Don't ever scream at my mom again. Ever Justin."_  
  
Roa holds her husband’s stare with a fiery intensity that he has never experienced before. Justin can’t recall Roa ever looking at him – or anyone else – like this in the thirty something years he’s known her.  
  
_"She scared him. I was just..."_  
  
Justin attempts to justify himself but Roa cuts him off without hesitation.  
  
_"Take him to the room. I'll be there in a minute."  
  
"I didn't...she..."_  
  
Aden, who is much taller and naturally bulkier than Justin, rises from his chair while directly addressing his brother in law.  
  
_"Bro...she asked you to go."_  
  
Aden's tone clearly indicates to Justin that he didn't actually have much of a choice. Justin moves with the whimpering boy to the back of the apartment without further incident.  
  
The moment Justin and Xander are gone, every ounce of attention reverts back to an unquestionably rattled Lexa.  
  
_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't...I wouldn't..."_  
  
Clarke holds Lexa's face between her hands and strokes her cheeks with her thumbs.  
  
_"You're okay. You're fine."  
  
"Mom, he's not mad. He just needs a second."_  
  
Roa kneels by Lexa and speaks softly in an attempt to comfort her.  
  
_"What do you know?"_  
  
Lexa turns to Roa and addressed her dryly. To someone who didn’t know better, the tone could've definitely come across as mean. Clarke uses her hands to turn Lexa's face and force her wife to look at her.  
  
_"Lexa. Cut it out."_  
  
Clarke admonishes her wife soberly.  
  
_"How would she know what Jake feels? He's_ **my** _son. I know him._ **I know him!** _"_  
  
Clarke looks over her shoulder towards Aden and Jaime.  
  
_"Take the kids to the back."_ With Alex and August willingly complying, it doesn't take long to get Giaco and AJ moving. In less than a minute the once full and vivacious dining room only has dwindled down to a handful of somber occupants. Clarke stares at Lexa and sternly chastises her. _"I don't like this attitude. What did we say about being nice today?"  
  
"I want to talk to Jake."  
  
"You can't do that."  
  
"That man took him. I want to talk to him."  
  
"That is not Jake. That is Xander. He's your grandson."  
  
"Get Jake for me."  
  
_ Lexa's tone morphs from aggravated to pleading and that’s the moment it becomes too intense for Anya to bear. Anya jumps to her feet and begins to clear the table leaving only Clarke and Roa to deal with Lexa.  
  
_"I can't do that Lex."_  
  
Clarke's entire demeanor immediately softens. The thought of possibly having to tell Lexa their son is dead yet another time chips away at Clarke's already dented soul. Lexa knots her brow, evidently trying to understand what Clarke is saying.  
  
_"Tell him he needs to come home. We have practice. He needs to be here."_  
  
Roa addresses Lexa with as much tenderness as she can convey and brings her hand to rest on Lexa's forearm.  
  
_"Jake's not coming home momma."_  
  
Anya attempts to distance herself from the distressing conversation by seamlessly moving back and forth between the kitchen and the dining room. Anya is so focused on both tuning out the world and clearing the table that she only narrowly avoids collides with Costia because the older woman skillfully dodged her. Much to Anya’s surprise Costia looms a couple of feet away from the doorway in the corridor that connects the dining room and the kitchen. Costia evidently just walked into the apartment because she still jiggles and fidgets the keys in her hands. Costia takes in the sight of her sister then cranes her neck over her and into the dining room. It takes Costia no more than a split second and a single scan of the room to know something serious unfolded while she was gone.  
  
_"What happened?"_  
  
Costia inquires while eyeing Clarke and Roa hovering around Lexa. Rather than stop and explain, Anya chooses to continue her menial task undeterred. Costia, still craving an answer, follows her sister into the kitchen and watches her load the dishwasher.  
  
_"Momma scared Xander. She didn't mean to, she just...she thought he was Jake again and...yeah. Then Justin screamed at her and Roa screamed at Justin and Aden got involved. It's not how I wanted today to start. We'll see how it goes."_  
  
Costia remains silent while Anya systematically rinses each individual plate before placing them inside the machine.  
  
_"You think she'll be fine? With all the people coming I mean?"_  
  
Anya loudly sighs. That would've been enough for Costia to understand the answer was _‘No’,_ but Anya expands on her feelings anyway.  
  
_"I told mom to keep it small. I told her we didn't even need a party at all. She thinks...mom thinks it could be momma's last birthday so she wanted to celebrate. I can see where she's coming from, but…I don't know. I don't know how momma is going to handle it."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Could you...don't leave again. We could use you around here today."  
  
"Work might page me and..."_  
  
Anya briskly pulls on the faucet knob, unexpectedly shutting the flow of water, and pivots to look at her sister.  
  
_"_ **BULLSHIT!** _Bullshit Costia. No one wants to call you out on it, but it's enough. Are we ever going to be done with the lying? Cut the crap or at the very least respect me enough to not lie to me straight to my face."_ Costia's gaze quickly locks onto the floor because she can't bear to make eye contact with her sister when she's being called out like this. _"I keep waiting for you to come around. I'm trying to give you time. I am. But right now we should all be in this to make each other's lives easier and you're doing the opposite so figure your shit out. If you don't want to do it for me then do it for mom. All she wants is for you to be an adult and not run out this weekend. Give her that much."  
_  
Anya swiftly faces away from her stunned sister and wordlessly continues her washing. Seconds later, when she's ready to place the next dish onto the rack a hand extends next to her ready to take it. Anya looks to her right to find Costia standing next to her and across from the dishwasher with her sleeves sloppily rolled up and waiting for dinnerware to be handed to her. Anya nods once as a display of acknowledgement of the gesture and hands over the plate. Costia places it on one of the empty spots in the machine and faces Anya with an extended hand once more.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Anya whispers at Costia. Costia simply waits for the next plate.

* * *

From one minute to the next, the house was buzzing with activity. Octavia and her youngest son, thirty two year old Linden, had arrived first and ostensibly opened the guest flood gates because everyone else seemed to arrive promptly just moments after.

Octavia and Lincoln had divorced a little over twenty years ago but remained good friends. When Lincoln arrived with his new wife Alyssa and teenage son Lionel mere minutes after Octavia and Linden did, it wasn't startling for anyone in the room to see them greet each other with a big hug. Octavia and Lincoln weren't the only friends whose marriages had failed over the years but they were somehow the only ones who handled it like adults. It's why guests like Murphy, Monty, Jasper, and Bryan arrived either solo or with their new partners but their exes sent their most sincere apologies accompanied by some flimsy excuse for not being able to attend. The only couple from the friend nucleus who had lasted besides Clarke and Lexa were Bellamy and Echo. Them making it the distance doesn’t mean they were immune to marriage woes. The survival of that relationship involved a significant amount of couple's therapy and a brief separation about ten years ago, the catalyst for that being a drunken indiscretion Bellamy had with a coworker. Beyond their glaring issues, Bellamy and Echo seemed almost as solid as Clarke and Lexa.  
  
The celebration was in full swing by the time Raven arrived because she was more than fashionably late as usual. Raven turned up alone because she was the one member from the group that consistently remained officially single. Matter of fact, she hadn't been with anyone at all – had not even had one of the meaningless one night stands she was known for – since Anya passed away.  
  
Beyond their lifelong friends, there were also a few new ones that had been picked up along the way. The gathering was rounded out by coworkers from the gallery, the museum, and the District Attorney’s office as well as people Clarke and Lexa had met at social events and later developed a friendship with.  
  
Clarke and Lexa's children and grandchildren were spread out around the house with each of them individually socializing with a different guest. Anya and Madi – Clarke’s mentee, protégé, and successor as MW lead curator – sip on Prosecco in front of one of Clarke’s most written about pieces while they chat about the jaw-dropping collection of sub-Saharan African artists that Madi is currently putting together for the gallery. Roa and Lianna lounge on the loveseats normally reserved for Lexa and whoever is keeping her company and effortlessly chat about an endless array of topics. Once they graduated from high school and each went to schools in different parts of the country, Roa and Lianna slowly lost significance in the other’s life. They weren’t close anymore but that didn’t stop them from easily falling into old patterns when they happened to be in the same room. Lexa, Lincoln, Alyssa, Jaime, Aden, and Linden crowded the sectional sofa. The two younger men guffawed clangorously while Jaime and Alyssa shook their heads and rolled their eyes at whatever nonsense their son and fiance were going on about. Aden and Linden were born less than a year apart and seeing as they were the youngest children of the group that meant they were each other’s best buddy growing up. Their friendship had only grown stronger as they came into adulthood and, much to Clarke and Octavia’s delight, the men are inextricable parts of the other’s life. Their relationship was based around such deep-seated trust that when Vittoria insisted Giaco be baptised, Aden chose Linden to be his son’s godfather. Costia nurses a whiskey on the rocks while mindlessly chatting about the inclement, blistering weather with Clarke’s old assistant. All the guest’s respective children and grandchildren found their age appropriate groups and socialized accordingly.  
  
The ambiance of the apartment is incontrovertibly lively and one person is more content about that than any of the others. Clarke joyfully surveys each unfolding interaction from her spot in the balcony and revels in the success of her plans.

Whenever there was some sort of event at the apartment, the same foursome of chosen sisters always claimed the balcony as their private party area. Clarke, Octavia, Raven, and Echo lollygagged with the sunset as their picturesque backdrop. They each hold a bubbling glass of Moet & Chandon and sporadically drink from it as the conversation ebbs and flows.  
  
_"How is she doing?"_  
  
Octavia focuses her attention on the couch where Lexa seems engrossed in a conversation with Lincoln as she speaks the question. Clarke takes a long swig of her champagne as if to coax the words out more easily. Once she pulls the flute away from her mouth, her eyes move to Lexa.  
  
_"She had a rough week, but she's been better than she was now that the kids are here. Having Xander around really helps. At least most of the time."  
  
"How are you?"_  
  
Echo puts forth the question hoping that, for once, the response will be truthful.  
  
_"I'm doing good."_  
  
Raven, never being one for tact and subtlety, scoffs.  
  
_"Okay, well now that we got the bullshit answer out of the way let's try that again. How are you?"_  
  
Clarke inhales and knows the simplified answer won't fly twice in a row.  
  
_"It's been a long few days. She gets really stubborn when she forgets things. I get it, it must be terrifying to not know where you are, but it's still hard to deal with. Usually I can calm her down but twice this week she had no idea who I was. She didn't recognize any of us. She was confused and so scared. I could see it in her eyes."_  
  
Octavia inhales deeply and shifts her attention from her ex-husband and sister-in-law to her best friend.  
  
_"Clarke...I know you don't want to hear it, but maybe she does need someone to take care of her. Professionals, in a specialized environment."_  
  
_"I'm not putting my wife in a nursing home O."  
  
"You wouldn't be abandoning her. No one is asking you to, but she might need better than what you and Anya can do here."_ Octavia pauses and her volume drops significantly before she speaks the next sentence. _"I don't think this is fair to any of you. You haven’t even seriously considered assisted living arrangements and…"_

Clarke flagrantly cuts her friend off. _  
  
"This is her home Octavia. This is where she lives. She stays with me."  
  
"Why are you such a hard head Griffin? Always."  
_  
Raven jumps in.  
  
_"It's probably not the time for this conversation."_  
  
Echo tries her hand at reeling Octavia and Raven back.  
  
_"Fine."  
  
"Whatever."_  
  
Raven seems like she's already over the conversation anyway. Clarke, annoyed that one let alone two of her friends would even suggest such a thing, attempts to end the tangent with a harsh tone of finality.  
  
_"I'm not doing this with you. I'm not."  
  
"It's like talking to a wall sometimes."  
  
"O, let it go."_  
  
Echo presses, much more firmly this time.  
  
_"You're not always right Clarke. You're not."  
  
"Octavia."_  
  
Echo utters one last time. This time Octavia gets the message and lets the topic go.  
  
_"Looks like the sleepover wasn't such a bad idea."_  
  
Clarke's face light up and the mention of her social experiment.  
  
_"Surprisingly, there's been a lot less screaming than I anticipated. I think they've all been too focused on Lexa to have time to fight with each other."_  
  
Clarke chuckles and takes another sip of her spumante.  
  
_"Is she handling them being here okay?"_  
  
Clarke inhales deeply before admitting what she's been too scared to say out loud.  
  
_"She doesn't know who they are. I don't think she recognizes one of them. She knows August and she thinks Xan is Jake but beyond that she mostly assumes they're my friends from work. It's really...”_ Clarke pointedly inhales and exhales. _“I don't think any of them is taking it too well but they're half Woods after all so no one is actually talking about it. I wish they did. Maybe we'd all feel a little less lonely in this."_  
  
Octavia leans in and wraps her arms around her friend.  
  
_"You're not alone Clarke."  
  
"I know. I do. Without her, it just feels like that sometimes. I'm aware that she's still here but that's not..."_ Clarke stumbles on her next words. She’s about to loudly admit something she’s been thinking more and more often as of late. This statement is the heaviest admission she's made both to herself and someone else in the last two years. _"...that's not her. Not really. I'm grateful she's still with us and I wouldn't want it any other way but I also miss her. I miss Lexa."_ Clarke shrugs trying to play the whole thing down with a joke. _"Don't let me have another drink. I'm clearly not Good Time Griffin anymore. More like Gloomy Griffin now."_  
  
_"Come here."_ Octavia pulls Clarke into a full hug. _"You're always Good Time Griffin to us."  
_  
Clarke lets out a wet laugh. Seconds later she feels Echo's hand slip into hers and squeeze it in comfort. Echo doesn't need to verbalize anything for Clarke to understand she's trying to let her know they are with her. Raven keeps her distance and doesn't say much. They know Raven has been going through her own thing the past few years so having her simply show up feels more than enough.  
  
_"Ok, I lied. I definitely need another one of these."_  
  
Clarke shakes the flute behind Octavia's back and Raven finally jumps in.  
  
_"I got you."_  
  
Raven grabs the glass and disappears into the apartment. Before Raven can even fully close the door, Aden pops his head out.  
  
_"Hey, Ma. Where's the big casserole dish you have? The one we usually put the mash in on Thanksgiving. I need it for the polenta but I can't find it."_  
  
Clarke leans away from Octavia and looks at Aden.  
  
_"Cabinet next to the stove. Left side."  
  
"I know that's where you usually put it, but it's not there. I looked."  
  
"Aden, it's there. I saw it last night."  
  
"It's not there."  
  
"You're going to make me go inside and..."  
  
"Even Nana looked."_  
  
Aden defends himself before his mother can finish the sentence. Clarke sighs and makes towards the door.  
  
_"You guys couldn't find your nose if it wasn't glued to your face. I swear."_  
  
Clarke grumbles as her son backs away from the door and smiles at his mother’s bleating.  
_  
"I love you."  
  
"I'm going to find it exactly where I told you it was and when I do, I'm hitting both you and your sister on the head with it."  
  
"That’s violent ma."_  
  
Aden chuckles and Clarke shakes her head while walking further into the apartment and out of ear shot from Octavia and Echo. Once they do Octavia turns to Echo.  
  
_"I'm worried about her."  
  
"She's not going to send Lexa away. You know she isn't."  
  
"It's the smart thing to do."  
  
"Maybe it's the smartest thing, but I don't know if it's the best thing. If Lexa wasn't with Clarke then I'd actually be worried about her. Right now it's just a lot of work but she doesn't mind it. It's Lexa. She won’t ever see it as a burden."_  
  
_"I don't know. She..."  
  
"Shhhh."_  
  
Echo hushes Octavia when she spots Raven coming. This isn't a conversation she wants Raven rehashing once Clarke returns.  
_  
"Where's Clarke?"  
  
"She went to help in the kitchen. She'll be back in a second."_  
  
Almost as if on cue, Clarke turns the corner from the hallway that leads to the kitchen shaking her head. She slides the balcony door open and steps outside.  
_  
"Where was it?"  
  
"Where do you think? Exactly where I told him it was."_  
  
Octavia and Echo laugh.  
  
_"It's great to know mine aren't the only ones who are slightly useless."  
  
“The thought that I raised idiots crosses my mind every so often but on the other hand they haven't died yet so maybe not."_  
  
Clarke tells the small group as she reaches for the glass that Raven is extending.  
  
_"Gotta love them though."_  
  
Echo adds and Clarke immediately retorts.  
  
_"Can't imagine life without them."  
  
"Really can't."_  
  
Octavia replies.  
  
_"You know who can? Me. Blissful silence at home is great. Bet none of you know what that even means."  
  
"Oh come here."_ Clarke yanks Raven towards her. _"Silence is overrated."  
  
"It really isn't."  
_  
Raven argues, her opinion unwavering.  
  
_"You mean you're not down to babysit all the little ones next weekend?"  
  
"I'd sooner munch on cyanide."_  
  
The three other women chortle.  
  
_"I don't know why you guys are willingly doing the screaming and the shitty diapers and the everything all over again. Was once not bad enough?"  
  
"I don't know, I kind of love being grandma."_  
  
Echo shrugs and Octavia agrees.  
  
_"Yeah. You get to spoil them and it's not really your fault if they end up messed up or not."  
  
"We also get to return them at the end of the day."_  
  
Clarke bandwagons on the opinion train.  
  
_"It's all the best things of having a baby without any of the downsides."_  
  
Echo adds and Raven shakes her head in disbelief.  
  
_"There is no 'best' about a small, incompetent human running around ruining everything you love but you've all been drinking the baby kool-aid for years and can't see it."_ Echo, Clarke, and Octavia laugh and shake their heads.  _"It's not funny. You guys lost it years ago. No sane person willingly spends time with that many screeching goblins."  
  
"It's both hilarious and ironic that you've always been their favorite."  
  
"It's a curse. That's what it is."_  
  
Raven can whinge till her face turns blue but, truth is, she loves those kids and everyone knows it.  
  
_"You can't..."_  
  
Octavia is interrupted by the door sliding open and Costia stepping outside.  
  
_"Aden says food is ready."  
  
"Good. Come on."_  
  
Clarke takes the lead and the group follows. The moment the three matriarchs (and Raven) step inside, they each do their best to wrangle their own families into the dining room so that the meal can begin.

* * *

Many hours later – once the feast is consumed and birthday songs are sang – the group has dwindled down to immediate family and closest friends. The clique sits around the table casually conversing amongst each other, giving the necessary updates on life, talking about the Yankees’ awful season, or the latest disappointments coming from politicians in Washington D.C.  
  
Clarke and Lexa sit at the edge of the table with their intertwined hands resting on Clarke's lap. Clarke is just settling back in from a trip to the kitchen where she fixed Lexa a small plate of leftovers to quelch Lexa's insistence that she hadn't eaten all day. Clarke watches Lexa snack on the small serving, keeping a careful eye out to ensure everything is being consumed in reasonably sized bites that present no danger.  
  
Lexa takes a bite of the succulent Casoncelli alla Bergamasca just as Costia says something that makes Raven explode in laughter from the other end of the table. Lexa can't really comprehend why, but the feeling she's having at the exchange she’s witnessing can only be described as ‘jealousy’. Why would she be jealous of Raven and this stranger or how intimate they seem? Lexa is incapable of figuring out the reasoning, but on the most basic level she understands that it is making her uncomfortable and she doesn't particularly enjoy it. Lexa turns to Clarke and grits through her teeth.  
  
_"Why couldn't we have Anya here instead?"  
  
"Lexa."_  
  
Clarke takes a sip of her sparkling wine and says nothing else, she evidently tries to purposefully gloss over the comment. Clarke has come to notice that if she doesn't dwell on things she doesn't really want to deal with then, more often than not, Lexa will simply forget about them. It's both the blessing and the curse of Lexa's illness.  
  
_"If it's my birthday then why couldn't my sister come and not her?"  
  
"Anya couldn't make it. That's all. Eat your food."  
  
"Probably because she didn't want to bump into her."_  
  
Lexa's ability to be subtle and/or tactful about virtually anything was pretty poor to begin with and that skill has severely diminished even further the more her disease progresses. Because of this, the ever so observant Raven quickly catches on to the fact that Clarke and Lexa are talking about her and without an ounce of hesitation interrupts her conversation with Costia.  
  
_"You trash talking me over there Woods?"_  
  
Raven calls out from the opposite end of the table. Raven does her best to play it off as an innocent joke, but Clarke knew her friend better than that. Raven and Lexa's relationship has been nothing short of icy since Jake's death and the fallout that followed. It only became more fractured after the years of repeated on-and-off dramatics between Raven and Anya.  
  
_"Raven."_  
  
Clarke tries to end the situation before it even starts.  
  
_"No, just pointing out the fact that if it's my party then my sister should be here. You two can't be in the same room anymore so she's obviously trying to avoid you. It's very you to be selfish enough to show up knowing she wouldn't if you were here."  
  
"Stop. Right now."_  
  
Clarke mumbles under her breath and squeezes Lexa's hand under the table.  
  
_"Oh, so that you remember?! How convenient. Screw you Woods."  
  
"Raven, come on. You know better than this."_  
  
Octavia tries to make her friend stand and leave the room to, at the very least, give everyone a chance to cool down but her efforts are to no avail. Lincoln subsequently leans in to whisper to his friend.  
  
_"Drop it Rae. She doesn't know what she's saying."_  
  
Raven laughs bitterly and ignores the growing chorus of those around her asking her to let it be because, frankly, she can't. Anya will forever be the sorest subject of Raven’s life and Lexa peeled the scab right off making it raw all over again.  
  
_"Not everyone can be you and Clarke with your fairytale soulmate shit. Some of us have it a little harder than that."  
  
"Aunt Rae, please."_  
  
Anya steps in trying to deescalate the tense situation. Costia, on the other hand, takes the complete antithetical approach. She leans back enjoying the twisted sense of amusement she is getting out of this confrontation. It's been a while since she's seen someone blatantly call Lexa out like this.  
  
Lexa forcefully slams her open palm against the table rattling everything on it.  
  
_"You hurt my sister. All you do is hurt her."  
  
"You really have _**NO** _grounds for talking about hurting the people you care about."  
  
"Rae, stop."_  
  
Clarke attempts to nip this one last time. Raven pays no mind to it and continues her rampage undeterred.  
  
_"Your revisionist history is really funny Lexa. It wasn't a one person thing, you know? There was two of us and she hurt me just as badly. We never hurt each other the way you hurt them though. You take the cake on that one."_ Raven hesitates for a split second because she knows what she's about to say might set all hell loose but she thinks 'fuck it' and does it anyway. _"At least no one died because of us."  
  
"RAVEN!"  
_  
Clarke has had enough of the insolence and tries to make it clear to her friend that she's crossed a line. Octavia, Echo, and Anya all stand up to actively intervene now.  
_  
"Let's take a breather outside."  
  
"Aunt Rae, I love you. You know I do, but you have to go."  
  
"Hey! Come on. She didn't..."_  
  
Costia jumps in and it is evident to Anya that her sister was about to defend Raven. Anya snappily pivots to face her sister with a resolute look on her face.  
  
_"Do not! Do not make this worse."_  
  
Costia is intelligent enough to know what battles to pick and which to let go. This is definitely not one she's going to win so she leans into her chair and goes back to being a spectator. Anya faces Raven once more.  
  
_"Aunt Rae, please."  
  
"Whatever. Fuck this."_ Raven plows her palms against the table as she attempts to gain traction. She loudly propels her chair back causing it to screech. _"You've always had your priorities in the wrong place Clarke. Always."  
_  
Bellamy attempts to hold her forearm and help her to the door but Raven swats his arm away. Bellamy instantly gives her space without any argument. The group silently watches Raven gather her jacket and bag in a haste before slamming the door behind her a she exits the apartment.  
  
_"Well that was fun."_  
  
Costia sounds oddly entertained. Anya's eyes burn a hole into Costia and she absolutely gets the message that she is not to say another word until things have calmed.  
  
_"I want to go to bed."_  
  
Lexa announces as she rises from the table and begins to exit the dining room without any further words. Clarke gulps down the champagne that remained on her glass before also standing.  
  
_"I'm going to go help her."_  
  
Clarke's tone sounds almost defeated. Roa nods in agreement and encourages her.  
  
_"It's fine. We'll clean up."  
  
"Thank you."_  
  
With that, Clarke takes off after Lexa.

* * *

Clarke finds Lexa standing in the middle of the bedroom looking around trying to figure out what to do. Lexa had become heavily dependant on other people when it came to simple routines like morning or bedtime. Clarke knew Lexa wouldn't be able to do much without her and she had every intention to come assist but once she lays eyes on Lexa she can't help but do the exact opposite.  
  
_"What did I tell you about making a scene?"_ Clarke closes the door behind her containing the conversation to their bedroom. _"I specifically asked you to behave. I wanted one good day with everyone together Lexa. One!"  
  
"She hurt my sister."  
  
"That was a long time ago Lexa."  
  
"Yesterday Anya..."  
  
"Not yesterday Lexa. Not yesterday!"  
_  
Clarke, realizing she let her frustration get the best of her and lost her temper, closes her eyes and takes a centering breath. She needs to remind herself that Lexa isn't doing this intentionally. Clarke brings her hand to rub her temple.  
  
_"You ready for bed?"_  
  
Clarke has decided to let the conversation go entirely.  
  
_"Yes."  
  
"Okay."_  
  
Clarke moves for the dresser to pick out some sleepwear.  
  
_"I'm sorry I upset you."_  
  
Clarke looks over her shoulder to find Lexa looking sullen and staring at the floor. Lexa resembles a puppy who got caught chewing on something they shouldn’t have more than a regretful adult. Clarke sighs and walks over to Lexa.  
  
_"Yes, I will admit I'm not entirely happy with you at the moment but I'm not angry. I'm not upset. Okay? Let's just go to sleep and it will all be better tomorrow morning."  
  
"Okay."_  
  
It doesn't take Clarke long to get them both undressed and ready to sleep. Once they're under the covers, Clarke nuzzles up to Lexa and throws her arm over her wife’s midriff.  
  
_"You're not upset?"  
  
"I'm not upset Lex. Go to sleep. I love you."_  
  
Clarke kisses Lexa's pulse point and closes her eyes. The room falls silent long enough for Clarke to start dozing off.  
  
_"I'm forgetting things, aren't I?"_  
  
Lexa doesn't usually talk about her illness. It's quite the opposite actually, she explicitly avoids it.  
  
Clarke lifts her head and rests it on her propped up arm giving her the ability to look down at Lexa.  
  
_"Yes. You have Alzheimer's."  
  
"Oh."_  
  
Clarke rests her hand on Lexa's chest and runs her pointer finger in circles over the withered skin.  
  
_"How long?"  
  
"Almost two years."  
  
"How bad?"  
  
"Lex..."  
  
"How bad, Clarke?"  
  
"You forget the kids most of the time."_ Clarke pauses. _"You're starting to forget me."_  
  
Lexa nods in silence then turns to Clarke.  
  
_"How could I forget you?"  
  
"I ask myself the same question. I like to believe I'm quite memorable."_  
  
Clarke smiles and Lexa responds in kind.  
  
_"You are."  
  
"See, I knew it."_  
  
Lexa inspects Clarke's face. Their eyes lock but once she's ready to speak again Lexa focuses her emerald eyes on the painting across the room away.  
  
_"I'm scared."  
  
"How can I help? How do I make it better?"_  
_  
"Don't let me forget. Not you. Not us."  
  
"Okay. Okay."  
  
"I don't want to forget you."  
  
"I'll remind you every single day."_ Lexa focuses her attention back on Clarke and is greeted by a teary smile. _"I won't let you forget."_  
  
Lexa nods and slides her face into the crook of Clarke's neck. That space has always felt safe, like home.  
  
_"How old are they now?"  
  
"They've grown so much Lex. They're...incredible. We did good. So good."_  
  
Clarke filled in the gaps in Lexa's memories until well after her wife fell asleep. Clarke didn't stop talking even when she heard Lexa's breath even out followed by the familiar gentle snoring. Clarke told Lexa stories of their life together until she fell asleep too.

* * *

** Saturday June 30th, 2063  
**

After a late morning and a post lunch stroll through the park with Lexa, the family now finds itself back in the apartment.  
  
Aden sits out in the balcony alone, with nothing but a sketchpad and some charcoal in his hands. He is gazing into the living room through the glass wall, carefully attempting to capture the moment unfolding inside onto the page.  
  
Beyond being the child that physically looked the most like Clarke, Aden was also the only one of the kids who inherited both her photorealistic portrait drawing talent and her painter sensibilities. Art wasn't something Aden chose to do as a career, but that didn't mean he was any less dexterous. Oftentimes, some of his hyperrealistic work was even better than Clarke's and Clarke’s was excellent to begin with. Aden had an innate skill for drawing faces that looked eerily human and right now he was channeling that talent on tracing his mother's face.  
  
Lexa was sitting on the couch surrounded by her grandchildren. The youngest members of the family had spent the day showering their grandmother with affection and attention and that was doing wonders for Lexa’s mood and energy levels. Something about her expression in that moment looked peaceful and when the urge to capture it became overwhelming Aden excused himself and relocated to the balcony.  
  
Aden's hand moves deftly across the sheet as he fills in details of Lexa's face on the page and in the process transforming what should be flat and lifeless into a shockingly three dimensional image. Aden could somehow convert his lines into pieces that resemble a picture more than a drawing. In fact, the majority of his work couldn't easily be differentiated from a still image. Anya found Aden's talent so downright impressive that she decided to put it to the test. A few years ago Anya gave her brother a portrait she had taken of August and asked him to replicate it as best as he could. When Aden was done sketching it they hung the pieces side by side then proceeded to ask the family to stand a few feet away and vote on which one was the painting and which one was the photograph. Not a single one of them felt confident enough to make a guess. This is how electrifyingly talented of an artist Aden Griffin-Woods was.  
  
The balcony door slides open and Roa steps outside holding a glass of wine and a beer. The stark difference between the controlled air conditioned temperature inside and the sweltering June heat makes Roa instantly regret volunteering to do this.

Aden was making solid progress on his new piece when his concentration is broken by his sister's voice.  
  
_"You've been out here for a while. They sent me to check on you."_  
  
Roa tells Aden while extending the bottle of cold beer she had brought out expressly for him.  
  
_"Just needed some quiet time."_  
  
Roa hums in agreement as she takes a sip of the chilled white wine in her glass.  
  
_"What are you working on?"_  
  
Without hesitation Aden flips his pad to give his sister a better view.  
  
_"You're so fucking good. I can't believe you didn't go to art school."  
  
"You're a better musician than I am an artist and you didn't study music."  
  
"Touche."_  
  
They both chuckle.  
  
_"I think if I had to do it to pay my rent I'd hate it. I like it better like this. There's no pressure or expectations tied to it. I do it when I want and don't do it when I don't feel like it. It's nice."  
  
"Yeah. I get that."_  
  
Aden continues sketching and Roa moves to stand next to him allowing her to look at the headway he was making. Roa rests her body against the railing and looks back and forth between the drawing of the scene unfolding inside and the actual living room.  
  
_"It's weird isn't it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Being old in this apartment. The apartment is the same but we're all so different. When it's all of us here together it makes it feel like a weird time travel thing. It's strange." _ Roa brings the wine glass to her lips and drinks before continuing _. "I don't know how to explain it. I remember us being small and playing in that room and now we have kids that are playing in that same spot too. It's just so eerie."  
  
"I don't have those memories so I can't really wrap my head around the concept, but I'm sure it is probably weird for you guys. Yeah."  
  
"I keep forgetting that you didn't come until later. For some reason, in my mind you've always just...been there. Maybe you were with us in spirit."  
  
"That's fucking creepy."_ Aden and Roa both laugh. _"Do you imagine a tiny ghost of me just floating around you guys sticking my tongue out at you or something?"_ Roa leans her head back with an honest guffaw. _"Disembodied spirit fetus Aden just chilling in the corner doing his own thing when you were all little."  
  
"Hey, I did have a lot of imaginary friends. Maybe you were one of them."  
_  
_"Wow. I'm_ **so glad** _I'm not the weirdest child moms had. Thank you for helping me out there."  
  
"Shut up."_  
  
Roa nudges her brother's shoulder playfully.  
  
_"How is she?"  
  
"She's fine. Seems like she's having a good day."  
  
"That's good."  
  
"Yeah. It puts mom at ease when momma is doing okay so everyone is having a nice time. You should come back."  
  
"I kind of want to finish this. I'll be inside in a little bit. I have to get dinner started soon anyway."_  
  
Roa brings her hand to Aden's shoulder and squeezes it.  
  
_"Don't be too long."  
  
"I won't."_  
  
Roa quietly makes her way to the sliding door and back into the apartment leaving Aden by himself once again. He takes a long swig of his beer followed by a deep breath before scanning the room for new details he could capture and resuming his sketching.

* * *

After dinner, all thirteen members of the family cram into the living room following the decision to spend a few, low-key hours together until it's time to put the kids to bed instead of going out to watch a movie like they had originally planned.

Clarke and Lexa sit on one end of the couch with their hands still intertwined, Anya sits next to Lexa, Roa sits next to Anya, and Jaime sits next to Roa. Aden sits on the floor by Jaime's feet with Giaco laying beside him. Xander lays in the space between his cousin Giaco and the plush chair to his left. Justin is perched on one of the two love seats with AJ dozing off on his lap. Costia takes the other love seat. August sits on the floor at Lexa's feet resting her head on her grandmother's leg and Alex sits next to her resting his head on Clarke.  
  
The Griffin-Woods only manage to be like this, all of them in one room, a few times a year and when it does happens it's a real treat. Tonight they want to do nothing more than sit and chat both amongst each other and with the entire group. As exhaustion begins to win them over, the kids start to mellow down and are playing or talking wherever they are sitting as opposed to running or jumping around.  
  
After one of Xander's funny and unexpected random quips which causes the room to erupt in laughter, the gang eventually settles into quiet conversations between siblings or cousins. Everyone is speaking softly enough that Roa begins to notice the stillness of the background.  
  
_"We could use some music around here."_  
  
Roa comments not thinking too much about it.  
  
_"I'll find a station. What are we in the mood for?"_  
  
Anya replies leaning in for one of the remotes on the coffee table. The kids each have their own suggestions, but it's August's voice that is heard over the rest.  
  
_"Maybe mom could play something."_  
  
Costia nimbly whips her head to make eye contact with August and gives her an unmistakable _"what are you doing?!"_ type of look. August immediately avoids her mother's eyes.  
  
_"That's not a bad idea."_  
  
Aden jumps in.  
  
_"No."  
  
"I made dinner, Nana has talked about the new stuff she's working on, and Roa told us about the revamp they're planning for the magazine. We don't know what you've been doing. You're up."_  
  
Costia firmly shakes her head no.  
  
_"We all want to hear it, don't we?"_  
  
Aden looks around the room and a chorus of voices join him in an attempt to coerce Costia to share with the family.  
  
_"I'm not doing it."_  
  
Clarke jumps on the peer pressure bandwagon.  
  
_"It's been a long time since we heard you Cos. It would be a nice thing."  
  
"I have nothing to play."_  
  
Costia stubbornly doubles down in her refusal and the palpable anticipation that could previously be felt amongst them almost instantly dissipates.  
  
August twiddles her thumbs for a few seconds before she musters up the courage to speak. She knows she's about to get herself in a sea of trouble but somehow, it feels worth it.  
  
_"Play some of the things you write in the kitchen at night."_ Costia's head whips towards her daughter and she gapes at her with wide eyes a second time. She's evidently shocked that August would know about that. _"I know I'm supposed to be sleeping but...they're good so I always sit in the hallway and listen."  
  
"That's why you never want to get up in the mornings."_ Realization dawns on Costia and August shrugs avoiding her mother's eyes. _"Those were not for you to hear. They're not for anyone but me."  
_  
Costia resolutely chastises August. She finds herself less upset over her daughter disrespecting her bed time and significantly more about the fact that another human has heard the very personal things she's been writing about at night. It makes her feel sheepish and exposed and she doesn't appreciate it, particularly not when added to being put on the spot like this.  
  
_"Oh...come on. We heard all the angsty stuff you wrote in high school. This can't possibly be worse."_  
  
Roa teases her sister and now all eyes are glued on Costia. The room simmers down just as Lexa finally speaks.  
  
_"Some music would be nice."_  
  
The entire room turns to look at Costia. She couldn't possibly turn down that request, could she?  
  
After a few moments of quietly huffing, puffing, and carping under her breath, Costia looks down at August and assertively forewarns her.  
  
_"You and I are having a conversation later."_  
  
Once her child has been sufficiently threatened, Costia petulantly gets up from the couch and heads for the full crystal baby grand piano that lives in the corner of the living room. Clarke purchased this piano on a whim when August started taking lessons and it now sits there, ignored and hardly used ever since her granddaughter decided she didn’t actually like piano. Costia lowers herself onto the padded bench and lifts up the fallboard. Instead of saying anything, Costia begins to play. Best to get this over with sooner rather than later.  
  
_"Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before  
Tell you what I'll do instead  
Lay my body down on the floor  
To forget what I've done  
Silhouette til the good lord come  
  
All we know is distance  
We're close and then we run  
Kiss away the difference  
I know you hate this one  
  
Trying not to lose your own  
Boxing up everything you've got  
All you ever knew of home  
You're scared, scared to see  
Your mother there in the door  
You wonder where did the years go  
  
All we know is distance  
We're close and then we run  
Kiss away the difference  
I know you hate this one  
  
But this is how the story ends_  
_Or have we just begun  
To kiss away the difference  
I know you hate this one  
  
The violins make no sound  
And I begin to feel the ground  
  
All we know is distance  
We're close and then we run  
Kiss away the difference  
I know you hate this one  
  
But this is where the story ends  
Or have we just begun  
To kiss away the difference  
I know you hate this one"_  
  
By the time Costia plays the last few notes of the song, the room is motionless. The younger ones have begun to doze off because of the sweet melody and the adults are attempting to unpack what they just heard.  
  
With barely any pause between, Costia starts playing what they recognize as a second song. Now that the sluice has been opened, the songs seems to be flowing right out of her.  
  
_"I never knew  
I never knew that everything was falling through  
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue  
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth  
But that's how it's got to be  
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy  
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see  
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears  
  
Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind  
  
Let's rearrange  
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage  
Just say that we agree and then never change  
Soften a bit until we all just get along  
But that's disregard  
Find another friend and you discard  
As you lose the argument in a cable car  
Hanging above as the canyon comes between  
  
Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your ...  
  
And suddenly I become a part of your past  
I'm becoming the part that don't last  
I'm losing you and it's effortless"  
  
_ Costia's voice audibly cracks after struggling to get through those three lines but she does her best to cover it and move on.  
  
_"Without a sound we lose sight of the ground  
In the throw around  
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down  
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves  
  
And everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind  
  
Everyone knows  
She's on your mind  
Everyone knows I'm in over my head  
I'm in over my head  
I'm over my...  
  
Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on my mind"  
_  
The second song comes to an end and no one flinches or utters a single word.  
  
Costia had stopped playing music to her family years ago. It's a thing she did exclusively at work and nowhere else. At some point she decided it was best if she kept that aspect of her life away from them, from everyone actually. Music has always been where Costia allows herself to be at her most vulnerable and once August was born and she had a new – and very real – responsibility to deal with, she locked that side of herself away inside a tightly guarded vault. This irrationally seemed like the inevitable when she made the decision to give up on the _'music icon diva'_ dream. Costia had a child to provide for and a decade flew by before she permitted herself to focus on anything but that. Since Costia moved back to New York, the family has heard her play less and less to the point where they couldn't remember the last time this happened. Learning that Costia is still writing original music, getting a glimpse as to where her head is at through her work, and how the current situation is seemingly affecting her feels special for the older audience in the room. This is exactly why they hesitate to speak. They're afraid the moment will end too soon if they do.  
  
August, being as stubborn as her mother and never knowing when to back down, is the first one to break the silence.  
  
_"Play the one about strawberries. That's my favorite one."_  
  
The teenager pleads from the floor and all the eyes in the room switch between her and Costia.  
  
_"August...enough."_  
  
Anya jumps in trying to salvage the moment.  
  
_"Listen, if you wrote a song about strawberries I need to hear it."  
_  
Anya playfully teases her sister.  
  
_"It's not about strawberries."_  
  
Costia grumbles in response.  
  
_"What's it about then?"_  
  
Roa inquires curiously.  
  
_"It's..."_ Costia tries to find the words but when she fails to, she grunts instead. _"Do you remember that summer we went upstate to pick berries at a farm?"_ Because of the current layout of the living room, Costia's back is turned to the group. She speaks into the piano and that somehow makes it easier to share. _"They had goats and sheep and chickens and that rickety green train to ride around. Roa must've been two or three. I don't know exactly, but I remember she was tiny and didn't shut up once the entire time we were there."  
  
"Small and loud...not much has changed then."  
_  
Justin quips from the floor and Roa nudges him with her foot.  
  
_"No one asked you."_  
  
Roa banters back at her husband. Costia doesn't seem derailed by the interruption.  
  
_"We got up early to have enough hours to enjoy the day but I think we barely made it to one in the afternoon before Nana had a sunburn and I had thrown up from sneaking so many berries. Our day was kind of derailed pretty quickly but for some reason we didn't leave."_ A small chuckle escapes Costia. _"We ended up on the hill where they had that rusty playground and sat down in the shade. Fuck knows where, but Jake found a marker and while mom and Lexa were distracted taking care of Nana and Roa the two of us drew on almost every surface of that playground."  
  
"Even places that to this day I don't know how you were able to reach."  
  
_ Clarke adds from the couch with a small laugh. The group waits for Costia to say anything else but instead she simply begins to play.  
  
_"When we were kids  
We hand-painted strawberries on a swing  
Every moment was so precious then  
  
I'm still kicking it  
I'm daydreaming on a strawberry swing  
The entire earth is fighting  
All the world is at its end  
  
Just in case an atom bomb comes falling on my lawn  
I should say and you should hear  
I've loved, I've loved the good times here  
I've loved our good times here  
  
Say hello then say farewell  
To the places you know  
We are all mortals, aren't we?  
Any moment this could go  
  
Cry, cry, cry, even though that won't change a thing  
But you should know, you should hear  
That I have loved, I have loved the good times here  
And I will miss our good times here  
  
Spaceships are lifting off of a dying world  
And millions are left behind while the sky burns  
There wasn't room for you and I  
Only you and goodbye, goodbye  
  
Now the sky could be blue, I don't mind  
Without you it's a waste of time  
Could be blue, I don't mind  
Without you it's a waste of time  
  
Could be blue, could be gray  
Without you I'm just miles away  
The sky could be blue, I don't mind  
Without you it's a waste of time"  
_  
Costia remains completely static for half a minute before she bolts up straight and hastily heads for the door. She can't stand to hear everyone thinking this loudly and feeling all their eyes on her while they do.  
  
_"I need air."  
  
"Cos..."_  
  
Roa calls after her sister but it's pointless. Costia is out the door before anyone gets a chance to convince her otherwise. The group remains silent for what feels like an eternity to the adults, but that in reality is no longer than a few minutes.  
  
_"Daddy, night night."_  
  
Giaco cracks the stillness as he climbs onto Aden's lap and curls up against his chest. Aden kisses the top of his head and gets on his feet.  
  
_"Ok, let's get your ready for night night. It's way late. Say goodbye to everyone."_  
  
After Gi reluctantly waves and the family bids their goodnights to him, Aden heads for his room.  
  
_"It's your bedtime too. Let's go."_  
  
Roa instruct her two boys and her niece to get up while the kids groan.  
  
_"It's Saturday mom! Why do we have to go to bed? August and I don't even need a bedtime anymore. That's for the babies."  
  
"I'm not a baby!"_  
  
Xander retorted in a wildly indignant manner.  
  
_"You_ **are** _a baby and you two_ **are** _going to bed."_  
  
Roa points to Xander then turns to Alex and August.  
  
_"But mom!"_  
  
_"No! I'm not tired."  
  
"Fine. Fine. I'm not going to argue with you guys when you're just going to sneak to grandma's office after we're asleep and talk until the sun comes up anyway. At least go and get your pijamas on. I'm giving you until midnight. Midnight. I mean it. Yes?"_  
  
The kids knew that was as good a deal as they were getting so they ran to the back to get changed.  
  
Roa turns to Clarke and Lexa.  
  
_"I'm going to put this one to down. Wanna kiss grandma AJ?"_ The sleepy little girl whimpers, curls up into Roa's neck, and holds on to her neck tight. _"Or not. She's so rude when she's tired. Got that from her Aunt Costia for sure."  
_  
Clarke leans forward to kiss one of the baby's chubby legs.  
  
_"Good night AJ."  
  
"I'll be back."_  
  
Roa tells them before disappearing with the toddler.  
  
Clarke turns to Lexa who immediately engages her in conversation.  
  
_"Your friend was very good on the piano."  
  
"That was Costia, Lex. She's always been amazing at music."  
  
"Oh...Costia. Right."_  
  
Lexa nods a few times trying to convince both Clarke and herself that she definitely knew that was her daughter.  
  
_"Do you want to go to bed?"_  
  
Lexa firmly nods once again.  
  
_"Ok. Let's get you to bed. Maybe Alex and August want to come and read to you for a bit. Would you like that?"  
  
"Very much."  
  
"We'll get you in some PJs first then."_  
  
Clarke helps Lexa up from the couch and leads her to the bedroom.  
  
_"I'll bring her pills in a second."_  
  
Anya informs Clarke before heading for the kitchen leaving Jaime and Justin alone in the living room.  
  
_"Guess we're the cleaning crew, eh?"_  
  
Justin looks over at Jaime and laughs.  
  
_"Guess we are."_  
  
They both stand – Jaime with more difficulty than Justin – and begin to gather all the stray cups and trash that was left behind. When they head to the kitchen to dispose of the waste, the front of the apartment completely empties.  
  
Thirty seconds later Costia returns and is so very thankful that the living room has been opportunely vacated. She zooms towards the jacket she forgot to take with her. The thin, cotton item remains draped over the couch as Costia rushedly digs through its many pockets but can't seem to find what she's looking for.  
  
Aden steps out into the living room and they look at each other.  
  
_"Please tell me you have smokes."_  
  
Costia almost whines at her brother.  
  
_"I do."  
  
"Can I bum one...or three?"  
  
"If you give me five I can meet you upstairs. Gi is almost down. I just need to get him some juice."_  
  
Costia hears movement coming from the hallway that connects the kitchen to the living room and bolts for the door once more in a shameless attempt at trying to avoid whoever that was as if she was a fugitive on the run.  
  
_"Five. Got it."_  
  
Aden chuckles and shakes his head at his sister's absurdity.

* * *

Costia and Aden stand close to the edge of the roof, mere inches apart from the other, in a fruitless endeavor to minimize the chill of the twenty something story wind gusts. Behind them, the imposing New York City skyline serves as the scenic view for their smoke break.  
  
Aden brings the lighter up to Costia's cigarette as she cups her hands to shield it against the wind. Once his sister's cigarette is lit, Aden turns to light his own.  
  
_"Are you ready for court next week?"_  
  
Aden shakes his head no as he exhales.  
  
_"She's going to try to take him away from me. Judges always side with mothers. If I lose him..."_  
  
Costia interrupts him.  
  
_"You won't."_ Costia takes another drag of her cigarette. _"I can go talk to her if you want."_  
  
Aden’s gleaming blue eyes fly up from the spot they were surveying on the floor to look at his sister.  
  
_"Don't. She might say I sent you or something. I also don't know what the fuck would go down with you guys. I can't have my sister assaulting my ex before I go to court."  
  
"Who said I was going to assault her?"_  
  
Costia sounds mildly offended.  
  
_"Please, Cos. Don't meddle in this. I love you and I know you always mean well, but let me handle this one. Vittoria is fucking crazy. I can't give her any excuse to paint me or my family as unfit to have Gi."  
  
"Fine. Okay. But if you needed me to go tell her to fuck off, you know I would."_  
  
Aden chuckles.  
  
_"If I need to make her disappear I know who to call."_  
  
They both laugh and smoke in silence for a moment.  
  
_"You ready for the new kid?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"A boy...that was easy. I knew what the checklist was. One, teach him to respect women. Two, teach him to never leave the seat up or he _**will** _get screamed at. Three, teach him that even when he thinks he's done shaking it after taking a piss, he needs to give it one last good rattle because there is always a drop waiting to fuck you..."  
  
"Ew dude."_  
  
Costia interjects and Aden smiles because that is the reaction he was expecting to get.  
  
_"That was it. Three vital life lessons that I knew I needed to give him. With a girl...I have no fucking clue what to do."  
  
"You'll be fine."  
  
"I'm scared to fuck it up. Especially because I grew up with you guys. I’m aware of what strong women are supposed to be like so I'll for sure know if I failed at raising one. It sounds crazy but it's kind of intimidating."  
  
"Look, you had every opportunity to fuck up with Gi. No one would've judged you if you actually had because she kept setting you up for failure, but you were better than that. The only reason he's well adjusted is because of you since it sure as fuck is not thanks to her. Like I said, not worried. Jaime is good for you and you guys will be fine."  
  
"Yeah..."_  
  
Aden sounds insecure in his answer.  
  
_"What? What is it that you're not sure of?"  
  
"Nothing. I just..."_ Aden takes a strong drag of his cigarette. _"There's just stuff I wish I could talk to mom about. With all the crap I have going on, I could really use a conversation with her right now."  
_  
Costia locks her jaw in the same way Lexa would when she was upset. Little things like these are what made it evident to everyone that the older Costia got, the more she slowly presented telltale Lexa traits.  
  
_"Well, you can't so tough shit."_ Costia tells him dryly. _"Your kid is coming either way. You gotta figure it out without Lexa holding your hand."  
_  
Aden looks out at the city and says nothing. Costia could be abrasive sometimes, often too much, but he wasn't in the mood to pick a fight so he let it be. Before either of them need to figure out how to navigate out of the silence they now find themselves in, the roof door opens. Roa's arm is linked with Anya's as they walk through the door affably chatting and smiling. They both turn when they see the figures standing near the ledge.  
  
_"Everyone is pretty much down."_  
  
Roa informs her siblings.  
  
_"Kitchen is mostly clean, but we left the dishwasher loading for you Cos. I don't know why you always think hiding will get you out of chores."_  
  
Costia groans thinking about the pile of dishes waiting for her and glosses over the topic.  
  
_"What's even the point of having kids if we can't make them do the shit we don't want to do?"_  
  
Costia's siblings laugh and shake their head.  
  
_"They did their chores. You have yours. Mom already told August she doesn't need to do the dishwasher stuff so you can't tell her to."_  
  
Clarke, being intimately familiar with Costia's antics, has become really great at foreseeing them. Tonight wasn't the exception.  
  
_"What the fuck mom?"_ Costia groans. _"Anyway, what are you two doing up here?"_  
  
Anya rolls her eyes.  
  
_"There's only one place you guys mysteriously and conveniently disappear to at the same time."  
  
"You're lucky moms have never found out. They would kill you."_  
  
Roa adds pointing at the cigarette smoke Aden just exhaled and Costia huffs.  
  
_"Mom has smoked with me before."_  
  
The two younger women knot their brow in surprise.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
Anya and Roa ask almost simultaneously. Costia laughs at the sheer shock in their faces.  
  
_"Mom used to smoke in college. Saint Lexa wouldn't come near her if she had touched a cigarette so mom stopped. How did you guys not know that?"  
  
"I definitely didn't."  
  
"Well, yeah...it was a thing. She sneaks one or two with me sometimes."  
  
"Stop giving mom cigarettes, Cos."_  
  
Anya urges her sister with that _‘you're in trouble’_ mom-like voice she's somehow perfected even though she doesn't have kids. Aden jumps in to aid his sister.  
  
_"She's smoked with me too."_  
  
Aden adds with a smile and a shrug trying to come to Costia's rescue.  
  
_"Well then that goes for you as well."_  
  
Anya raises her eyebrow and looks at her older sister and younger brother sternly. Roa jumps in.  
  
_"Yeah. We don't need her sick too. One of them dy..."_  
  
Anya's eyes swiftly lock onto Roa which cuts the younger woman off halfway through a word.  
  
The foursome grows suddenly quiet and instantly the air switches from relaxed to charged. Aden takes a noisy drag from his cigarette and once he exhales seconds later he breaks the silence.  
  
_"It sucks, doesn't it?"_  
  
Roa rests her head on Anya's shoulder but no one adds anything beyond that.  
  
_"It's fucking bullshit."_  
  
Costia mutters before killing the butt on the ashtray that was integrated to the top of the tall black trash can. It's the first honest thing they've ever heard her say about Lexa's condition.  
  
_"She looks so small. I don't remember her looking like that when I was here last time."_  
  
Roa speaks softly and Anya instinctively pulls her sister closer. Even though they're grown up, Anya's innate reaction is to always protect her siblings.  
  
_"On Tuesday night she...do you guys remember when we went to Paris for Christmas and then London for New Year's?"_ Anya looks at Costia and Roa. _"You were maybe four."  
_  
Anya turns to Roa and smiles remembering how small they all used to be at one point.  
  
_"We had Christmas dinner at a restaurant that was directly across from the tower."  
_  
Roa adds before Costia jumps in and expands on the memory.  
  
_"And then we were walking around and we got crepes for dessert. Jake got Nutella all over_ _his clothes because he couldn't figure out how to bite into the crepes without making the filling ooze out."  
  
"Yeah. That's where mom was on Tuesday. She was in Paris and London with us. She really thought she was living those days so mom sat with her on the couch and they told each other stories. Apparently they sneaked in a lot more sex than anyone with four little kids in tow realistically could...or should. I didn't necessarily need to know that but..." _ Anya pauses and tries to find the best words for what she wants to say. _"Sometimes it's not terrible. I think she still has her favorite memories in there somewhere because it's always the good days that she gets stuck on."  
  
"She doesn't seem to remember any of the bad stuff does she?"_  
  
Roa asks without moving her head from Anya's shoulder.  
  
_"No. At least she doesn't make it known if she does."  
  
"Maybe it was a protection mechanism."_ Aden mumbles with a fresh cigarette between his lips as he attempts to light it. _"Maybe in a really fucked up way this was good for her. If she doesn't have to remember the bad shit that happened to her then I can make peace with her not knowing who I am."_  
  
Over the last couple of years Aden has tried incredibly hard to not let the fact that he is the person Lexa has forgotten most often and consistently since the very beginning of her illness destroy him. Lexa only seems to primarily recall things from their life before Jake died which means that as time has passed, less and less of Aden has been retained in Lexa's brain. The memories of him inside Lexa’s convoluted brain are so thin that aside from the flash of recognition he got a couple of nights ago, Aden can't truly pinpoint the last time his own mother had any idea who he was.  
  
Aden takes a long drag of his fresh cigarette before speaking again.  
  
_"She really thinks Xan is Jake. It's fucking crazy how the brain works."_  
  
The girls don't speak a word for what feels like an eternity, not until Costia's voice pierces the silence.  
  
_"Is it confusing for him?"  
  
"Justin and I talked to him and Alex. We tried to explain Alzheimer's and dementia as best we could while being age appropriate and without scaring them. I think Alex and August had already started googling things because he seemed to know a lot. Xan took it better than I thought he would. He told us that if it made grandma happy he didn't mind being called by a different_ _name. That it was like people who play pretend in the movies and get called by different names."  
  
"That's amazing of him Ro."  
_  
Roa nods before speaking.  
  
_"He does look like Jake. It's weird. Sometimes I walk into his room in the middle of the night to check on him and it's...it's Jake."_ Roa shrugs. _"I still miss him. It's been so long, but I do. I'll see something that I think he'd like and I'll instantly want to find him and tell him about it but then I remember."  
_  
They nod in agreement without having to verbalize it. The conversation lulls yet again and this time it's Anya who rekindles it after some long moments.  
  
_"Part of me is glad he doesn't have to see her like this. Does that make me a horrible person?"_  
  
Anya looks at the three people she is closest to in the world and hopes they give her an honest answer. Costia puffs out a cloud of smoke and speaks.  
  
_"He wouldn't have been okay with this. I think it would've destroyed him."  
  
"Sometimes..."_ Aden takes a long drag and clears his throat as he exhales. He scratches his scruffy beard while he tries to find the right way to express his thoughts. _"The story you told, the day at the farm and fucking Paris and all these other things. I...there's...you guys were a family for so long before I...I don't know. This whole thing with mom, it's...I get jealous and angry sometimes. Not at any of you, just at...life I guess? It makes me sad that there's all this shit you guys have with her that I never will and it's stupid because all the youngest kids always have less time with their parents but I don't know. I feel...I feel like I'm missing out on so much and once she's gone there's this whole part of our history that I'll never know because she's taking it with her and...yeah...I guess that pisses me off."_  
  
Anya separates from Roa and moves towards Aden wrapping him up in a hug.  
  
_"If there's anything you need to know you can always ask."_  
  
Roa is the second one to join the hug, embracing her brother and sister. Roa turns her head to look at Costia who stands several feet away smoking her cigarette.  
  
_"Are you going to come or what?"  
  
"No. That's too much touching."_  
  
Aden and Anya can't help but chuckle.  
  
_"Question number one, was she always such an asshole?"_  
  
Aden looks at Costia and smiles. Costia flips him the bird.  
  
_"From day one."_  
  
Anya mumbles into Aden's shirt.  
  
_"I feel like she probably came out of mom and the first thing she did was look around and say_ 'Fuck this. Put me back.' _"_  
  
Roa does her best Costia imitation for the last two sentences which results in Aden and Anya bursting out in laughter. Costia walks over and smacks the back of her sister’s head.  
  
_"I can still whoop your ass if I need to. Don't forget that."  
  
"Can you stop being a sourpuss for two entire minutes and just come here?"_  
  
Costia groans and rolls her eyes dramatically but steps forward and wraps her arms around the trio.  
  
_"Was that so hard?"  
  
"Shut the fuck up, will you?"_  
  
Aden swathes the three girls with his freakishly long arms.  
  
_"Can we be done yet? I don't love you guys this much."_  
  
The three younger siblings simultaneously sush Costia. After a few seconds Roa speaks.  
  
_"I should go make sure the boys are actually sleeping and then talk to Justin. He says he always feels neglected when we come visit. I need to give him five minutes of attention."  
  
"Just make sure I won't hear you giving him 'attention'. We share a wall and it's thin."_  
  
Roa kicks Costia.  
  
_"Don't be a pig. That's not what I was talking about. I've never had sex in the apartment. Just thinking about it is icky. It's where moms live. I don't know how you did it."  
  
"I mean...it's pretty easy. A penis goes into a vagina..."_  
  
Roa kicks Costia a second time.  
  
_"_ **NOT** _what I meant."_  
  
Aden chuckles as he takes one last good pull from the cigarette before throwing his butt to the floor and stepping on it.  
  
_"I should probably go spend some time with my girl too. She's mentioned to same thing as Justin but I thought she was just being crazy. Maybe we are too much when we're all together."  
  
"You're just finding that out now? I'm shocked anyone has agreed to marry into this family."_  
  
Roa tells them while laughing.  
  
_"They're brave. Gotta give them that."_  
  
Aden agrees and none of them immediately adds anything.  
  
_"When did we get so old?"_  
  
Anya asks some moments later to no one in particular.  
  
_"I don't know, but I don't like it. I can do without the unnecessary wrinkles on my forehead."_  
  
Costia's tone makes the others laugh.  
  
_"Are we gonna be okay?"_  
  
Roa's voice sounds hesitant when she vocalizes the terrifying question.  
  
_"I don't know."_  
  
Costia was never one to lie to her siblings and she wasn't about to start now. Neither Aden or Anya had a different or better answer so that is the last they said to each other that night on that roof.  
  
They hugged for a few minutes longer before they let go and quietly made their way downstairs.

* * *

** Sunday July 1st, 2063  
**

Clarke flops her body around in her sleep in an attempt to curl into Lexa's side. Her eyes blink open slowly when she feels nothing but a cold mattress instead of a warm body. She rubs her left eye while she looks around the room with her right barely cracked trying to find her wife. When she doesn't spot Lexa, Clarke sets out to look for her.  

* * *

Clarke turns the corner into the living room and comes across Lexa standing parallel to the big window, staring out into the city, and being lit by nothing but the dark blue moonlight seeping in through the glass. Clarke hangs back and takes the moment in. If neither of them move she can pretend nothing has changed, that things are just as they used to be. If both of them remain still, Clarke can attempt to forget that as of late she is nothing but a stranger to her wife on most days.  
  
Clarke was never good at dealing with the people she loved being unwell. When she was young, Clarke would crawl into bed with her dad whenever he had a cold and would bury her face into his neck to sob because she couldn't make him better. She only got _slightly_ better about dealing with these things as she grew older. As a direct result of Clarke’s lackluster abilities as a nurse, Lexa was the one who took often took point when dealing with the kids if they were sick. Lexa could be pragmatic and focused and funny in those situations. On the other hand, Clarke did tend to become overly emotional instead. Clarke couldn't help but feel broken when she saw the people she cared so deeply about suffering. Even something as simple as a fever made Clarke feel like she was somehow failing her loved ones, like she didn’t protect them the way she should have. This meant that having to watch her wife deal with an illness this severe and life altering was more than figuratively tearing Clarke apart. Clarke felt nothing but a sense of relief at the fact that she had become an expert at hiding her actual feelings from her children years ago.  
  
Lexa runs her hands through her slept on, tangled hair and visibly shivers. She's lost a noticeable amount of weight in the last few months and the pointed loss of body fat translates into her being perpetually cold. At the sight of Lexa's body shriveling in on itself while it attempts to warm up, Clarke hurries over to the window. Clarke gently places her hand on Lexa's back in an attempt to not startle her and then speaks.  
  
_"It's warmer in the bedroom."_  
  
Lexa jolts at the unexpected touch and turns to look at Clarke. She scans Clarke's face trying to place her but the lack of acknowledgement lets Clarke know Lexa has failed. Clarke somehow musters a pained smile and brings her now wrinkled hand to Lexa's cheek and runs her thumb over the loose skin.  
  
_"Let's get you back in bed."  
  
"I'm okay. Thank you."_  
  
Lexa tells the beautiful woman politely.  
  
_"You're cold."  
  
"Only a little."  
  
"So let's get under the blankets. It'll help."  
  
"I'm not tired."_  
  
Clarke takes a moment to figure out how to navigate the situation. They've quickly learned that dementia has only made Lexa more strong willed than she used to be. Lexa will only do things on her own time and anyone's attempt at changing that leads to a guaranteed confrontation. Clarke has come to understand that dictating when things happen to her might be the last shred of autonomy and agency that Lexa has left and she's desperately clinging to it. Clarke's insistence and efforts to talk Lexa into doing something has ended up in volatile arguments more than once or twice. The last thing Clarke wants is to trigger a fight that will wake up everyone else in the apartment so rather than forcing Lexa back to bed, Clarke tries a different approach.  
  
Clarke smiles and takes a deep breath before closing the distance between the two of them.  
  
_"Well if you're not going to come to bed with me, then at least dance with me."_  
  
Clarke tells Lexa cheekily and Lexa chuckles in response.  
  
" _There is no music."_  
  
Lexa states matter of factly.  
  
_"Who cares? Dance with me."_  
  
Clarke wraps one arm around Lexa's waist and the other around her neck. Lexa shakes her head but indulges Clarke nonetheless and they begin to sway in and out of the patch of blue light that the moonlight leaves on the carpet. After a few seconds Lexa places both her hands on either side of Clarke's waist. Instants later Clarke begins to quietly hum what was at one point their favorite song and rests her head against Lexa's chest before pulling her impossibly close.  
  
They stay like that for the entirety of the song. Once Clarke hums the final couple of notes she looks up at Lexa. Lexa directs her eyeline down at Clarke and examines her intently.  
  
_"Do you know who I am?"_  
  
Clarke asks Lexa without hesitation.  
  
_"My sister."_  
  
Clarke snickers an raises her eyebrows at the implication.  
  
_"I don't think you and Anya did the things we have. Actually, pretty sure it would've been against the law in most countries."_ Clarke makes an effort to joke with Lexa but the older woman doesn't really grasp the intent. When her shot at levity falls flat, Clarke goes back to being serious. _"Who am I?"  
  
"My friend."  
  
"I'd like to believe we are also friends, but I wouldn't say I'm mainly your friend. Who am I, Lex?"  
_  
Lexa contemplates for a second before she answers.  
  
_"I don't know."  
  
"I'm your wife."_ Clarke pauses letting those words linger in the air. _"Fifty four years, Lexa. You and me. We've made it through a lot. We'll make it through this too."  
  
"I think I'd remember if I had the luck to look at you naked for fifty four years. You're incredibly pretty."  
_  
Clarke hangs her head back in soft laughter. There's the Lexa she has always known. Sometimes she gets to see glimpses of her old wife and Clarke has learned to hold those moments dear above anything else.  
  
_"You think I'm pretty?"  
  
"Very much so."  
  
"Well, I think you're stunning."  
  
"I guess it's a good thing we got married then. Sounds like we did a good job."_  
  
Clarke laughs again.  
  
_"It was the best thing I ever did."  
  
"Don't find anyone more attractive than me when I die then?"  
  
"We need to get you to start talking about things besides your death. Can we do that?"  
  
"I can give it an honest shot."_  
  
Clarke smiles and leans up to gently kiss Lexa's lips. When she pulls back, Clarke finds Lexa surveying every detail of her face. Clarke suddenly feels exposed at the intensity of her wife's eyes.  
  
_"Were we happy? Did I make you happy?"_  
  
Clarke doesn't even have to ponder the answer to that question.  
  
_"More than anyone else on this world."_  
  
Lexa nods.  
  
_"Fantastic."_  
  
They look at each other in silence until Clarke whispers.  
  
_"Happy birthday love."  
  
"Is it really my birthday?"_  
  
Clarke nods.  
  
_"Seventy four. You're getting old on me."  
  
"I am."_ Clarke begins to hum again and sways her body in tune. Lexa effortlessly follows suit. _"I proposed to you on my birthday."_  
  
Clarke's face lights up at the mention of that day. She can't ever help her joy when Lexa recalls something unprompted.  
  
_"You did."  
  
"We were both naked."_  
  
They laugh at the same time.  
  
_"The timing was definitely…interesting but it was one of the best days of my life. I wanted to be your wife so badly. I was itching for it to be official that we were going to spend our lives together. I didn't think you would ask until after you were done with law school though and then there you were, naked with a ring box. It was perfect."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Have you ever wished you hadn't? Proposed, I mean. Made a life with me? Maybe wanted something different?"_  
  
Clarke wasn't sure where the question came from, but she also knew she didn't get many moments like these with Lexa anymore so she didn't hold back.  
  
_"I have."_ Those words make Clarke's veins turn to ice. Lexa's pause between the admission and her next sentence don't help Clarke's sense of dread. Has Lexa not been as happy as she had in this half a century? _"Those years...when I made you suffer and cry...I often thought about how you would've been better off without me. Without knowing me."  
  
"Never."_ Clarke chases Lexa's eyes to make sure her wife is looking at her when she utters the next words. _"My life wouldn't have made sense without you Lexa. Even the bad days. They got us here. They made us who we are right now and I love who we grew to be. Okay?"  
_  
Lexa hesitates then simply nods firmly.  
  
_"Okay."  
  
"I don't regret a single moment with you. Not one, Lexa."_  
  
Lexa smiles before leaning in and kissing her temple.  
  
_"Thank you. For everything."_  
  
Lexa whispers into Clarke's skin before resting her cheek against her wife's. There's thousands of other unsaid things beyond those words – things Lexa's foggy brain can't put into coherent sentences – so Lexa hopes it will all be conveyed with what she could say. Lexa longs for Clarke to understand that she is also trying to express all the ways in which her love remains unwavering.  
  
_"Of course."_  
  
Clarke doesn't need it to be spelled out for her. She knows. Years ago Clarke may have had nights where she wondered if her wife loved her as much as she did but not anymore. Without a doubt, Clarke definitely knows how Lexa feels.  
  
Clarke decides she's not done dancing with her wife and recommences the humming and swaying. They dance in silence for well over an hour before either of them speaks again.  
  
_"Clarke?"  
  
"Hmm?"_  
  
Clarke hums from the crook of Lexa's neck.  
  
_"Don't forget I can't pick him up today because I have jury selection, but maybe drop him off at the office after school. I’ll take him to get some ice cream."_  
  
Lexa's mind had gone to exist at a different point yet once again.  
  
_"I will. I'll pick him up."_ Clarke’s smile is pained as she kisses her wife's neck while they continue to sway in the moonlight. She holds back tears while she whispers into Lexa's skin. _"You'll see him soon Lex."_  
  
It's been months since Clarke has been furtively bracing for the inevitable. She's been doing her best to prepare for the moment when she has to exist without Lexa. Clarke can sense it's coming even though she vehemently refuses to accept it as an unavoidable fact on most days. Before Clarke has time to dwell on it, Lexa's voice breaks the silence again.  
  
_"Jake's a good kid. He's smart and always does his work. He earned some ice cream."  
  
"He is."_ Clarke inhales and exhales deeply before she adds in a whisper. _"He got it from you."  
  
_ They stay like that – with Lexa jumping through decades and memories and Clarke desperately clinging to what little her wife has to offer – until Xander wanders out into the living room and asks for some juice. Not long after that the rest of the house wakes. The hectic madness of having all four kids with their respective spouses and five grandchildren in tow quickly reminds Clarke why they don't do this as often as she would like.

* * *

August rests her head on Costia's chest as Costia lazily strokes her puffy, slept on hair. It's early enough that the house is still quiet. They don't get many lazy mornings like these together so neither of them has moved.  
  
_"Mom?"  
  
"Hmmm."_  
  
Costia responds without even opening her eyes.  
  
_"I'm sorry about last night. I thought you would like to play them for someone. I didn't know you'd be mad."_  
  
Costia pulls her daughter closer to her chest.  
  
_"I'm not mad. It's okay."_ Costia kisses the top of August's hair and moves the girl's head into the nape of her head. _"You should go to bed when you need to though. That way you won't be such a gremlin in the mornings."  
_  
They both let out a few soft chuckle.  
  
_"You're totally a gremlin in the mornings too."  
_  
August had definitely inherited Costia's hate for mornings. On most days both of them communicated through nothing more than grunts for the first half an hour they were awake which definitely made for some interesting exchanges.  
  
_"Maybe we could play together sometime. I think I want to get piano lessons again. Last time Jeannie told grandma I was doing good."  
  
"I'd love that. We can call Jeannie again but only if you plan on sticking with it this time."_

 _“I will.”_  
  
With her daughter held firmly against her chest, Costia begins to slowly drift off. That is until August pokes her.  
  
_"Mom."_ Costia growls at the child, clearly annoyed at the fresh interruption of her would be sleep. _"Can Alex come live with us?"_ After the question is posed, August's words begin to pour out of her mouth. She wants to make sure she says all she needs to before Costia cuts her off. _"We talked about it and we could share my room. We could just get bunks or something. Or we could both move in here with grandmas. There's plenty of space and we could help around the house and things like that."_  
  
Costia groans yet again.  
  
_"Aug, that's not my decision to make. We've gone over this. If your Aunt Roa thinks it's best they move to New York, they will. You guys have asked enough times that I think her and your uncle must have talked about it. If it hasn't happened yet it's because it's not right for them. Can we leave it at that?"  
  
"But if you ask Au..."_  
  
Costia cuts her off.  
  
_"August, honestly. It's too early for this."_  
  
August angrily rolls off her mother.  
  
_"It's like you guys don't even care that we miss each other!"_  
  
Costia finally opens her eyes. When she rotates her head to her left, she finds her daughter's matching fierce jade eyes staring back at her.  
  
_"Bring it down, will you? Everyone is still asleep."_  
  
August groans and rushes off the bed heading for the door, opening it, and slamming it loudly behind her.  
  
_"Yeah, that's really mature August."_  
  
Costia rolls her eyes before closing them, covering her face with the crook of her elbow, and exhaling.  
  
A few minutes pass and Costia begins to fade once more. This time a knock interrupts her.  
_  
"Fuck me."_ Costia whispers to herself. _"What?!"_  
  
Costia screams at her door and Roa pushes it open with a smile on her face.  
  
_"I see your morning manners haven't improved much."  
  
"Because it's like no one in this family respects sleep."_  
  
Costia throws the duvet over her head and covers herself.  
  
_"What are our kids up to?"  
  
"What?"_  
  
Costia moves the cover down enough to reveal just one of her eyes.  
  
_"We were in the kitchen working on breakfast when August came in and all she did was tell Alex_ 'She said no.' _before they both stormed off in a huff."  
  
"Those two are going to give me gray hairs. They are."_  
  
Roa makes her way to the bed and gets under the covers with her older sister.  
  
_"What did you say no to?"  
  
"She asked if he could move in with us. Said they could share a room. Or even better they could both move in here and _ 'help around the house.' _"  
  
"Oh...so now we have two angry teenagers on our hands? Awesome. That should make for an interesting day."  
  
"I don't know what to do about them anymore."  
  
"It's not that moving to New York is off the table, we're not opposed to it. It's just hard to justify moving here without either one of us having jobs. We've definitely left our ears open but nothing good enough has come up yet. You also have your work here and moms are here. I can't imagine August wanting to leave them either. We're not keeping them apart on purpose. I don't know why they seem to think we are."  
  
"How rational were we at thirteen?"  
  
"True."_  
  
_"I guess he could stay for a few extra days. He doesn't go back to school for another month."  
  
"August doesn't either."  
  
"Would that be okay? Maybe that will placate their anger enough that we can make it through mom’s birthday without a major incident?"  
  
"Honestly, we'd have to talk to mom about that. August has spent most of her summer here because it's busy at work. The ward is packed so she's been staying over a lot. If he's in New York then by default he's here too. I know mom won't mind, but I also don't want to throw another kid at her without asking first. Not with all the shit going on with Lexa."_  
  
Roa senses the change in tone on the last sentence.  
  
_"Are you okay?"  
  
"Okay with what?"  
  
"All the shit going on with momma?"  
  
"Why does everyone insists on having complicated conversations before I've even gotten out of bed today?"  
  
"Are you okay?"_ Costia shrugs. _"That not an answer Cos."  
  
"Maybe I don't have one."  
  
"That's fair."  
_  
Costia doesn't reply and Roa doesn't push it.  
  
_"It's nice to all be in the same house again though. I kind of missed being able to just walk into your room and sneak in your bed. I honestly thought mom's idea to have this many people here would end up a disaster but so far, so good."  
  
"Yeah, I didn't think we'd make it this far without everyone hating each other."  
  
"It's been fun though. There's been moments where I've felt like a kid again."_  
  
Costia only hums in agreement. Even though she would never admit it out loud, throughout the course of the weekend Costia has found herself feeling twelve and disemcumbered more than once.  
  
_"He would've loved this."_  
  
Costia rubs her sleepy eyes and but doesn’t feel the urge to speak. She doesn't need to be told who "he" is.  
  
Roa waits for her sister to answer but when she doesn't, Roa lets her words hang in the air. This happens often with Costia. As they've grown older, she's insulated herself and her emotions. There's certain topics she won't touch but when they happen to come up, Costia loves to pretend as if they weren't mentioned and very overtly skirts around them. It's the way she has come to deal with things that make her uncomfortable and there hasn't been much anyone has been able to do to make it better. Once Costia decides she won't talk about something there isn't even a discussion to be had.  
  
A gentle knock disturbs the silence. The door opens and Anya steps inside.  
  
_"Mom sent me to get you guys."  
  
"It really is like we when we were kids."_  
  
Roa laughs and gently nudges Costia.  
  
_"You two did spent quite a bit of time in here."_  
  
Anya makes her way into the room and looks around. Not much has changed in any of their quarters since they lived here full time. Their bedrooms feel very much like time capsules of their childhood, ones that are hard to not get nostalgic over.  
  
Costia pushes Roa closer to the edge making room for someone else to get in. Costia pats the empty space on the mattress signaling that Anya should join. There is no hesitation on her part and it's now three of them on the bed.  
  
_"This is bizarre. I don't think we've been in here like this since Ro went to college. What's that...twenty five years?"  
  
"That's fucking crazy."  
  
"I can't believe we have kids now. I wouldn't trust me with a kid and I somehow have three of them."  
  
"I wouldn't trust you with a kid either."_ Costia responds with her eyes closed and Roa jams her fingers into her sister's side making her squirm. _"I have no problem kicking you off this bed Ro!"  
_  
Anya and Roa laugh as Costia squirms while sandwiched between them.  
  
Aden swings the door open and hovers by the entrance.  
  
_"Mom says:"_ Aden switches the pose of his body and alters his voice to sound like a woman as he clearly tries to imitate Clarke. _"Tell your sister that I really shouldn't have to send three people to wrangle her out of bed. If all of you don't make it back to the dining room in two minutes I'm coming to drag you out myself."_  
  
The girls laugh because it is yet another confirmation that not much seems to have changed since they were little.  
  
_"Move over."_  
  
Anya pushes Costia who in turn pushes Roa right to the edge of the bed. At six foot four, Aden had definitely taken after his grandfather when it came to size so fitting him in the bed proved challenging but the Griffin-Woods siblings were never ones to turn down one of those.  
  
_"Either we got too big or this bed shrunk because this isn't as comfortable as I remember it being."_  
  
Roa does her best to keep herself on the bed with half of her body hanging off the mattress. Aden isn't faring much better.  
  
_"I'm going with the second option."_  
  
Aden retorts as he tries to adjust himself in the few inches they offered him.  
  
The four of them begin to quietly chuckle when they hear Clarke stomping down the hallway already chastising them before she even makes it to the room.  
  
When the door swings open Clarke finds all four of her children staring at her with smiles on their faces.  
  
_"Up up up! Come on. Breakfast is getting cold."_ The siblings look at each other and laugh earnestly. _"I can't believe you guys are still making me do this."  
  
"Can't believe you still refuse to bring us breakfast in bed."_  
  
Costia playfully snaps back while still laughing. The comment forces Clarke to walk up to the bed and yank the covers back.  
  
_"Out of the bed. All of you."_ Not one of them moves. _"Now! Your mom is at the table already. It's her birthday. Don't be savages and leave her waiting."  
_  
Clarke points at the door. The foursome exchange pointed looks before they finally decide to roll off the bed and get on their feet. All four of them kiss Clarke as they walk by her.  
  
_"Costia...you've been here for three days. How is this room a pigsty already?"  
  
"All of the shit on the floor is August's. You know that. Take it up with her."_  
  
Costia screams from down the hallway as Clarke bends down picking up things from the floor and throwing them onto the bed.  
  
_"Unbelievable."_  
  
Confirmed. Nothing had changed one bit.

* * *

Breakfast was a rowdy event with the young ones improvising birthday songs for their grandma at four separate occasions. The meal was now wrapped up and most of the family had excused themselves to get ready for the day. Alex and August had taken over the master bathroom because of its dual sinks while Aden and Roa had volunteered to get the smaller kids ready for the day. Two adults attempting to bathe and dress three young kids under the age of ten was nothing short of a daunting task. The proof of that was the screaming commotion and the sounds of splashing currently originating from the direction of the bedrooms.  
  
Anya heard the house phone ring a few minutes ago and had exited the room to answer it leaving only Costia, Clarke, and Lexa sitting at the dining table. Costia was keeping herself busy with her phone while Clarke and Lexa had a quiet conversation.  
  
Clarke giggles at whatever Lexa just said and leans in to kiss her cheek just as Anya's voice begins to move closer to the trio once more. She is evidently having a conversation with someone.  
  
_"Yeah. She seems fine today. Hold on. Almost there."_  
  
Anya turns into the dining room holding the phone up to her face.  
  
_"Momma, it's Uncle Gus. He wanted to wish you a happy birthday."_  
  
Anya walks up to Lexa and holds her hand, placing the phone inside it. Lexa looks at her and at the device confused. On the screen of the phone she can see a scruffy old man with a long, bushy, and mostly white beard.  
  
At the sight of his old friend, Gustus belows out a laugh.  
  
_"When did you get this fucking old? You look like shit Woods."_  
  
The nonagenarian jokes with his best friend and laughs anew, filling the room with his deep, raspy tone. Lexa looks at the screen then at Clarke. She's clearly searching for answers.  
  
_"That's Gus, Lex. He hurt his leg so he couldn't come down but he still wanted to talk to you today."  
  
"Gus."  
  
"Look, it's fine. I'd forget my ugly face too if I could. I just wanted to call and let you know that you should've considered a face lift like I told you years ago because you didn't age well."_  
  
Gustus laughs once more and so does Clarke because she is well aware this is the relationship Gustus and Lexa had from the beginning. He was the only person who could get that atypical curse word out of Lexa as a result of his constant jabs.  
  
_"Most people have crow's feet but you have dragon claws. It's not a pretty sight. I don't know how Clarke wakes up to that face every day. She's a brave woman."  
  
"He's rude."_  
  
Lexa turns to Clarke passing on the phone to her. Clearly she has no interest in talking to this brusque man.  
  
_"Me? Rude? Have you met you? You were born with a stick up your ass."  
  
"I wonder if that's genetic. Maybe that's where Cos got it from? It would make sense."_  
  
Anya jokes from behind Lexa and both Gustus and Clarke laugh. Costia silently gives Anya the bird without taking her eyes off her phone. Anya and Clarke chuckle.  
  
_"Did she flip you off?"_

Gustus addresses Anya even though he can’t see her on screen. _  
  
"She did."  
  
"That's my girl!"  
  
"How are you feeling Gus?"_  
  
Clarke attempts to take over the conversation.  
  
_"Old and miserable but I've been like that since you met me so I guess that's not news."_  
  
Clarke laughs and shakes her head.  
  
_"Sure, true, but besides that."  
  
"Oh I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."  
  
"We're planning to come visit soon. Maybe next weekend."_  
  
Anya chimes in.  
  
_"Let me know ahead of time that way I can hide all the sex toys my boyfriends have left scattered."_  
  
Aden walks into the room with Jaime and Giaco on tow.  
  
_"Is that Uncle Gus?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"There's impressionable minds in the room now Uncle Gus."_ Clarke flips the phone so that Gustus can see Aden. _"Lets keep the d-i-c-k jokes to a minimum."_  
  
Aden laughs.  
  
_"I was a bad influence on you so what makes you think I won't do the same to your kid?"_  
  
They all shake their heads while Aden addresses Giaco.  
  
_"Say hi to Uncle Gus."  
  
"Hi Uncle Gus."_  
  
Giaco waves at the camera.  
  
_"Shit! Who is putting fertilizer in your food? You're going to be as tall as your dad any day now."_  
  
Giaco shrugs and Clarke turns the camera back towards her and Lexa.  
  
_"Do you remember Gus, Lex?"_  
  
Lexa looks at Clarke and nods.  
  
_"Of course."  
  
"What a lying sack you’ve turned out to be. You couldn't pick me out of a two person line up Woods."  
  
"You and Gus have been friends for thirty years."  
  
"That's nice."_  
  
Lexa fakes a smile towards the camera.  
  
_"Speak for yourself. You've been nothing but a pain in my ass."  
  
"I know the feeling."_  
  
Clarke adds and Lexa scowls at her.  
  
_"You're both rude."  
  
"Okay, sunshine. Now that you know how we all feel about you, I'll leave you to it."  
  
"We love you Uncle Gus."_  
  
Anya bends down to be in frame and waves.  
  
_"I guess you guys are okay too."  
  
"Thanks for calling Gustus."_  
  
Clarke tells him pleasantly before twisting the phone to make sure Lexa is in frame.  
  
_"You might be a stubborn, walking to nightmare Woods but I_ **am** _glad you took a stray dog like me in. We'll see each other soon, okay?"  
  
"Okay."_  
  
Lexa replies hesitantly.  
  
_"Alright. I'm going to go polish my pecker."_ The room collectively groans before laughing. _"Mail me a piece of cake or something."_  
  
Without any formal pleasantries or any goodbyes, the call ends. Lexa promptly comments.  
  
_"I don't think I like him."_  
  
Every person in the room cackles.  
  
_"He's definitely a handful and an acquired taste but we all grew to love him."_ Anya kisses the top of Lexa's head before grabbing the phone from Clarke's hand. _"Do you need anything?"  
_  
Anya brings her free hand to Lexa's shoulder and squeezes it gently, indicating her mother she is the person the question is directed to.  
  
Lexa shakes her head no but turns to Clarke.  
  
_"I'm tired. Can I lay down?"  
  
"Sure love. Come on."_  
  
Clarke helps Lexa up with Anya's assistance. Once she's on her feet Anya knows Clarke can handle Lexa by herself so she steps back.  
  
_"I'll finish cleaning up."  
  
"Thank you. I'll be right out to help."  
  
"It's fine. I got it. Stay with her."_  
  
Clarke smiles and nods. If Anya had known how important that moment would eventually come to me, she would have appreciated it more. Instead she turned away from her mothers and began tidying up.

* * *

As early afternoon rolls in the entire family lounges in the balcony, carelessly chatting at a low volume. The original intention was to leave the apartment and have a jam packed day visiting Lexa’s favorite spots after they had breakfast but, while Clarke escorted Lexa to the bedroom earlier, Lexa had willingly admitted to Clarke she was feeling unwell. Lexa wasn't one to volunteer this kind of information so Clarke knew Lexa must have truly not been up to par. For this reason, Clarke decided to push the outing back a few hours and allow Lexa to lay down and sleep some more.

Even though it was a suffocating hundred and three degrees outside, Clarke wrangled everyone out to the balcony making sure the apartment was quiet in order to give Lexa the opportunity to rest for as long as possible.  
  
Less than a couple of minutes ago Roa had walked back inside to put AJ down for a much needed nap and to use the restroom but the family sees her approaching with the fussy toddler still in her arms. Roa pulls the door open and tersely interrupts the ongoing conversation.  
_  
"Where's mom?"_  
  
Lexa was left in the master bedroom approximately three hours ago. On her way to bring AJ to her bedroom, Roa had stopped to check in on Lexa. Much to her surprise, the room was empty and Lexa was nowhere to be found. Roa now stands at the balcony entrance, looking around waiting for an answer. In the back of her mind Roa knew full well everyone else probably knew about as much as she did because they had all been out here together, but she still felt like she needed to ask.  
  
_"What do you mean?"_  
  
Anya responds with a knotted brow, clearly puzzled by her sister's question.  
  
_"She's not in the room. I looked in the bathroom but she wasn't in there either. Checked everywhere else in the back too. I don't see her."_  
  
Suddenly the mood of the group changes. Clarke walks past Roa and heads for the bedroom.  
  
_"Lexa."_  
  
They each instinctively head for different parts of the apartment.  
  
_"Mom."  
  
"Grandma!"  
  
"Lexa."_  
  
The calls echo through the hallways but the voice they're waiting for doesn't answer. After what feels like infinity, they each seem to make it back to the center of the apartment.  
  
_"What the fuck?"_  
  
Costia looks at Anya confused. Roa meets them next.  
  
_"I sent Justin downstairs but he doesn't see her. Aden is on his way to the roof."_  
  
Clarke steps out to the living room and she looks pale and panicked.  
  
_"Where is she?"_  
  
Roa hurriedly closes the distance between herself and her mother and tightly wraps her arms around Clarke’s visibly quivering body.  
  
_"I don't know, but we're going to find her. Okay?"_  
  
Roa's phone dings. She lifts it up to see the notification from Aden on the screen.  
  
_"She's not on the roof."_  
  
Anya makes a split second decision and begins handing out orders.  
  
_"Ro, ask Justin to walk around the block to see if he spots her then meet Aden on the roof. Go down the stairs together and comb through each floor until twelve. Alex and August take the elevator to the first floor and go up floor by floor until you reach eleven. Ask anyone you come across if they've bumped into her. I'll go down to the lobby and see if I can get access to the cameras. Cos, go walk around the gym and the garage. Jaime and mom, you guys stay here with the kids and let us know if she comes back."_  
  
Everyone nods in agreement and take off to do just as Anya instructed them to.

* * *

Close to half an hour later they all converge back in the apartment. The mood is gloomy and everyone is palpably tense, none more so than Clarke though. She paces alongside the couch conspicuoulsy shaken. Anya is the last one to reenter the apartment and she's halfway through a rushed phone conversation.  
  
_"She's wearing jeans and a red sweater. Red sweater, correct. It's just plain red. Her hair is in a braid. Yeah. Yes. We'll wait here. Thank you."_  
  
Each person in the group looks at her confused and concerned.  
  
_"The police is on their way but they're putting a notice out for her. She left the building. I saw her walk right out the doors on the cameras. The guards didn't think to stop her because she looked fine."  
  
"Oh my god."_  
  
Clarke's last shred of composure finally cracks and she begins to sob.  
  
_"Where could she have gone?"_  
  
Roa is the first to ask but no one seems to have an answer to offer. Costia's mind instantly begins to race.

While her family discusses back and forth for long minutes, Costia ponders in silence. Suddenly, it hits her. Costia walks to the hook where all the keys are kept but doesn't spot what she's looking for.  
  
_"Who was the last person who went to the store yesterday?"  
  
"Me, why?"_  
  
Roa looks at her sister confused.  
_  
"Where did you leave the car keys?"  
  
"I put them back. I think."_  
  
_"They're not where they should be. Where did you leave them? Think."_ Costia scans Roa's face as the younger woman tries to retrace yesterday's steps. _"Ro, come on!"  
  
"Oh! AJ's diaper bag. Front pocket."  
  
"Where's the bag?"  
  
"My room."_  
  
With that Costia races to the back of the apartment. The family hears her swing the door open and ruffle through things before hurrying back down the hallway. She runs right past them.  
  
_"Where are you going?"_  
  
Clarke manages to ask.  
  
_"I have an idea, but it's a long shot. I'll let you know if I find her. Go to her favorite places from when we were kids. She might have gone to one of them. It's what's most familiar to her. It makes sense."_  
  
Costia doesn't even wait for anyone to answer or gives them a chance to question her before she is out the door leaving behind her upset family.

* * *

Close to an hour later, Costia finds herself running at breakneck speed through the once familiar Elmwood Cemetery pathways. As she sprints over the peak of the small hill that leads to the row of graves she’s looking for, Costia happens upon Lexa. Her mother is sitting in her once customary spot with her back resting against the tree that took hold across from the old grave, the same grave Costia once memorized. There's two new headstones at either side of the original one and Costia can only assume are the woman's parents.  
  
From where Costia stands, Lexa seems to talk animatedly. Costia exhales in relief and a small smile can't help but creep on her face as she pulls out her phone. No one had a clue where Lexa was but Costia did. With her Aunt Anya being gone, Costia was the only person still alive who knew where Lexa went when no one could find her all those years ago. For a moment Costia feels oddly comforted that she is privy to **_ONE_** thing about Lexa that no one else does. Costia knows what is perhaps the most important thing about her mother and no one can take that away from her. Before she gets a chance to dwell on it and get carried away, Costia remembers how concerned her family is about Lexa’s whereabouts. She presses the second number on her Favorites list and lifts her phone to her ear.  
  
_"Hey...I found her. No, not yet. I'll bring her home in a little bit. She's getting some fresh air. No. Listen, we'll be there in a couple of hours. Bye."_  
  
Costia ends the call and switches her phone to silent knowing it's about to start ringing incessantly any second now. She pockets the device and looks down at the grave at her feet. Costia smiles at her dear, old friend.  
  
_"Hey Agnes. It's been a while. Too long maybe."_  
  
Costia isn't sure how this place always had the power to make her open up but, without any real or compelling reason, she begins to talk to the piece of marble she hasn't seen in decades in the same painless way she did when she was a kid.  
  
_"I don't think I've been here since the day before I left for college."_  
  
Costia exhales loudly.  
  
_"That's insane. Remember all those crazy plans I had? They didn't really pan out but it turned out fine."_  
  
Costia allows the words to linger before adding something.  
  
_"I hope so."_  
  
Costia looks over at her mother sitting by the grave. She figures she can have a few minutes and moves to the floor, facing the headstone.  
  
_"I have a kid Agnes. Her name is August. She's thirteen and she's pretty great, but a fucking handful though. She reminds me of me which is definitely not a good thing. I have a feeling that means a lot more headaches coming my way. She looks so much like her dad but also exactly like Lexa which is...fucking odd. It sounds like an impossible combination, but I swear it's true. Sometimes she'll do something or I'll catch her at a certain angle and I'll feel like I'm probably looking at a younger Lexa. There's only a few random pictures of Lexa when she was growing up so I don't have much to go off, but I have a feeling that's probably what she looked like."_  
  
Costia gathers her thoughts for a moment.  
  
_"Being a parent is hard. You try your best but sometimes..."_ Costia pauses. _"Sometimes you fuck it up. It's weird being on this side. I'm also doing it alone which is...not easy. I don't regret her Agnes. I don't. She's the one thing I'm proud of, but I wish I could change who her father is or how she came to be. I fucked up Agnes and she's the one suffering because of it."  
_  
Costia rips a few strands of grass and rolls them between her fingertips as she considers her next words.  
  
_"August has never met her dad. For some reason I only dated losers. Married men, flakey douchebags, alcoholics…two junkies…"  
_  
Costia, ashamed of her choices, cuts herself off before the list can continue.  
  
_"You think of any type of terrible, trashy fuck up and I've slept with him. Most of them treated me like complete shit. A couple of them even got physical and I still didn't walk away immediately. I think...I never thought I deserved better than them. I'm not even sure that I think I do now, but I do know that August does and I try to steer clear of that bullshit now. For her, you know? I owe her that much."_  
  
Confiding in Agnes makes Costia feel like a child again in ways both good and bad. It sounds absurd but even with all the loss and anger, somehow life was easier back then. Being here makes her feel unburdened and that makes talking easy. It's as simple as catching up with an old friend after a long trip. At the same time, being here makes Costia think about how much has changed since she sat here last and she can't help but revisit her younger self and all the terrible decisions she made.  
  
_"Her dad...he was...he had a way with words. He made me feel special. Like I hadn't in a long time. Not since I was a kid. Not since before Jake died. He, fuck...did he actually make me happy? I don't know. I really don't. I think he might've just been good at tricking me into believing I was. Anyway...he was...is a big time producer. Very high up in a global label and he made all these promises about my music. Yeah, I know..."_  
  
Costia bitterly mocks herself.  
  
_"...I was such an idiot. Especially because he was married. He wasn't the first married man I slept with, but he was the first one who had a family."_  
  
Costia pauses.  
  
_"August has three brothers and a sister."_  
  
Costia inhales deeply and runs her hands through her slightly matted hair.  
  
_"It was an accident. I don't think I ever wanted kids but then...there I was...pregnant and still serving drinks behind a bar. When I told him, he flipped out. Said I did it on purpose to try and get money out of him and demanded I get rid of it because he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. He told me that we weren't going to ruin his life. I don't know what happened Agnes, but that night I was laying in bed sobbing and fucking terrified because I had no idea what I was going to do or how anything made sense anymore...but for some reason...for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone. There was someone else with me and I decided I wanted that baby. I wanted her and I hadn't felt like that in a long time."  
_  
Costia huffs and looks at the cloudy sky before turning back to look at Agnes.  
  
_"I had to get away from him. He was good at fucking with my mind and I didn't want him talking me into something I knew I would regret. I started packing my shit that night at like four in the morning and moved back to New York a couple of days later."_  
  
Costia looks over at Lexa, who is also telling the dead some story. Costia hopes at least that tale is happier.  
  
_"I came back home a failure. I moved to Los Angeles to be a big star and came back broke and knocked up by some married prick but they...they were great. Everyone was, including Lexa. They were all amazing. I moved into the apartment but within days Lexa and I had two huge arguments. I was hormonal and emotional and a fucking mess. I was on edge and I...we just couldn't be around each other. Mom got me an apartment. They paid for everything until I got back on my feet. I studied for my certification as a music therapist here in New York State and I got it before August was born. Lexa has taken care of my daughter since the first day. I saw her with August and I wondered if she was that way with me. She'd do this fucking enraging thing where she would talk to the baby like she would anyone else. She would pretend to have a conversation with a newborn. It drove me crazy."_  
  
Costia laughs.  
  
_"To be honest Agnes, some days I think August loves mom and Lexa more than she loves me. I wouldn't blame her. I work all the fucking time but it's because I want to give her everything. I don't want her to feel the fact that she doesn't have a dad. I'm busting my ass so I can put money aside to send her to whatever school she wants without having to count on anyone else to pay for it."_  
  
Costia turns back to look at Lexa once more.  
  
_"No one knows this. Not mom, not Lexa, or Nana or Roa. Not a soul. But when she was two, August's dad showed up at my door one day. He said he'd looked me up online out of curiosity and saw pictures of us so he knew I'd kept her. He wanted to be a part of her life. He was saying all these nice things and for a second I wanted to believe him. It would've made my life easier if I had given into him a second time, but my baby made me smarter than I was without her. This time I could see past his bullshit. He wanted August to know about him but he didn't want his family to know about her. ‘It was better for her.’ That's what that fuck actually said to me. With a straight fucking face. That's when it was obvious to me that there was nothing my daughter needed from that man so I kicked him out. He sends checks a few times a year. I don't know how he figured the date out but he sends shit on her birthday. No matter how many times I change my number he calls. I'm scared he's just going to talk to her one day. The idea that he could charm her like he did me and I'll lose her is terrifying. I know she misses having a dad. She used to ask where he was all the time growing up. I ultimately convinced her she didn't need anyone but me or our family and I’ve never admitted to anyone who he is that way no one but me can ever tell her. I want to prove to her that one person is enough and I want to know that I don't need him or his money to give her everything she needs. That also means I'm hardly ever around and I think she's beginning to resent that. I think in the end mom and Lexa have been more of a parent to her than I have and I'm so fucking scared of what losing Lexa will do to her. She's...she's all mush inside Agnes. She's pure heart. I don't know who she got it from because it certainly wasn't me or Thomas but she's...she's the best thing I'll ever do. I'm sure of it. She's still innocent and she loves Lexa so fucking much. If Lexa..."_  
  
Costia has clearly come to miss these cathartic conversations with Agnes. She had no idea how much she was bottling up.  
  
_"I play for sick kids at the pediatric ward of grandma's old hospital. I spend my days doing the rounds, making music for dying kids with shitty diseases or kids with really fucking bad cancer. I've been there since pretty soon after August was born so I've gotten used to distancing myself from it, from all the dying and the sadness. Some days I'll go home and come back the next morning to an unexpected empty bed in the ward. I watch most of them die at least a little every day."_  
  
Costia exhales loudly. Clearly this all weighs heavy on her.  
  
_"We sometimes lose a few in a week but...I make them laugh, and sing, and dance if they can still do that. I used to think that my music would only be great if everyone in the world knew about it. I was sure that's the only way it could ever matter but I was wrong. This is all I ever wanted my music to be. I wanted it to help people the way it helped me after Jake died. I just want to make whoever listens to it happy, I want to be there for them. I wasn't there when Jake was dying but I get to do that for other kids now. Sometimes families ask me to come in and play the kid's favorite songs while the machines are being turned off."  
  
_ Costia pauses to wipe the tears she never allows herself to shed when she thinks of these things.  
  
_"Those days fucking suck Agnes, but for some reason music calms them down. It makes it easier. I make it easier so I suck it up and I show up every fucking day. I couldn't be there when Jake died. I didn't hold his hand or tell him he shouldn't be scared so I get to help now. I do."_  
  
Costia tells herself almost as if trying to be convincing, as if she needs to remind herself this is something she **_needs_** to do.  
  
_"I...after all these years I thought I was immune to death. I thought after everything...after Jake, grandma, grandpa, Aunt Anya..."_ Costia tries to find the best words to properly describe what's going through her mind. _"I was sure that after watching these kids, specially the ones who fucking worm their way into your heart with their hugs and their silly jokes, sometimes literally die in front of you had cured me from being affected by it but then I found out that Lexa was dying and...fucking fuck Agnes. She's dying. It's not like...they...they haven't actually said she is but we all know she is. Does that make sense? She's forgetting how to do things like blow her own fucking nose and for so long I fucking avoided her because I didn't know how to talk to her but now...now I can't be around her because I feel like my fucking chest is caving in when I do. She's dying Agnes and she has no fucking clue who I even am. That shit fucking hurts. I wouldn't want August to see me like that. I know it would kill her."_  
  
Costia pauses and inhales deeply while looking straight in Lexa's direction.  
  
_"I think it's killing me too."_  
  
Costia focuses on the blades of grass that twirl between her fingers.  
  
_"You know what pissed me the fuck off Agnes? What still pisses me off? Her."_  
  
Costia points in Lexa's direction and the anger she carries about with her begins to bubble over.  
  
_"She has my name. Well...I guess I have hers. Mom picked my name because she wanted Lexa to let her dead ex girlfriend go but the moment something went fucking wrong Lexa chose the dead Costia over me."_  
  
Costia quickly corrects herself.  
  
_"...over us. That whole name thing worked out fucking great. Obviously."_  
  
Costia's voice is drips with heavy sarcasm.  
  
_"Fuck! I hate her. I do Agnes. I never met her and I don't even know that much about her but I fucking hate her. If she didn't exist Lexa wouldn't have had anywhere to hide. She would've been home. She would've been with us and we would've been fine. I fucking hate her. I hate her for still having all these fucking conversations with Lexa that we will never know about. Like...what the fuck does Lexa still have to tell her? She's been dead for like sixty fucking years. Why can't she talk to mom? Or Nana? Or anyone? Why is it always this fucking dead girl?"_  
  
Costia angrily runs her hands through her hair  
  
_"It's not fair. It isn't. How do you fucking compete with a dead person? I guess it's better that mom doesn't know where Lexa has run to all these years. I don't know how she would feel. I'd be furious if I was her."_  
  
Costia considers the situation for a moment.  
  
_"I_ **am** _furious."_  
  
Costia flicks the grass she was holding towards Agnes's headstone.  
  
_"This is bullshit. It's so fucking unfair. All of it."_ Costia tries hard to contain the angry tears that threaten to fall. _"I hate her and I hate Lexa even more for making me feel like this towards someone who did nothing wrong. I'm just so angry Agnes. I try not to be. I really do, but I haven't learned how not to be. This whole thing is..."  
  
_ Unexpectedly, Lexa falls to her side and onto her left shoulder. The loud thud of her body hitting the ground makes Costia's head whip over. Costia knots her brow confused and hangs back for a minute waiting for Lexa to straighten herself again but when Costia sees Lexa's body convulse instead, she has a feeling that's not going to happen. Costia is on her feet and bolting towards Lexa within a second.  
  
When Costia arrives at her namesake's grave she flops Lexa onto her back. That is the moment when Costia notices a head wound that was, at some point, dripping down Lexa’s forehead. It's evidently not something that just happened because the blood is caked and dry.  
  
_"Lexa!"_  
  
Lexa's eyes go white and her seizing intensifies.  
  
_"Lexa._ **FUCK!** _Hang on. Ok."_ Costia fishes for her phone. Lexa's body rattles again. _"Lexa. Goddamn it. Just...hang on."_  
  
Costia dials 911 and brings her phone to her ear.  
  
_"I need an ambulance to Elmwood Cemetery in Yonkers."_

* * *

Clarke and the rest of the family hover around the neurologist in the sterile hospital waiting room. They gape at him attentively and hang on to his every word.  
  
_"It seems what your daughter witnessed was a post-stroke seizure. We believe your wife had a hemorrhagic stroke at some point earlier today. Everything indicates she might have lost consciousness while standing and fell, which caused the original head wound. We assume that when she regained consciousness she was disoriented and confused. That led to her leaving your home and wandering around. While the Emergency Room team was trying to stabilize her, she suffered a second stroke and all of our early tests indicate this one was on or around the brain stem."_  
  
Clarke didn't have to go to med school to know what was bad, very bad. A sob escapes her. Aden wraps her arm around her and pulls her close.  
  
_"We'll know the extent of the brain damage in the next few days but my initial assessment is that it is likely extensive. I would advise that you start making arrangements if they need to be made, just to be prepared. We have a chaplain and a rabbi on call if..."  
  
"When can we take her home?"_  
  
Clarke interrupts the doctor.  
  
_"Mom..."_  
  
Anya holds Clarke's hand as she tries to comfort her mother.  
  
_"No. I want to take her home. She's always hated hospitals. If she's going to go she should be home with family, not here. Not surrounded by strangers. She would hate that."_  
  
Roa sighs exasperated and distraught.  
  
_"Mom, come on."  
  
"This isn't a discussion."_ Clarke doesn't even bother to look at Roa and stares directly at the doctor with conviction. _"When can she come home?"_

* * *

  **July 3-7, 2063**

After much resistance from Anya and Roa in particular, a still unconscious yet stable Lexa was transported back to the apartment two days after her birthday. Aden completely understood where Clarke's need to have Lexa in a space that felt familiar came from and because of this he made the decision to side with his mother over his sisters. If Costia had any preference either way then she certainly didn't make it known. Matter of fact, Costia actually hadn't said much at all since Lexa arrived at the hospital.  
  
Clarke was determined to be the one person her wife relied on the most until the very end. Even though Anya had arranged for a nurse to move into Clarke's home studio and be at the apartment around the clock to help with the more demanding aspects of Lexa's hospice care, Clarke staunchly insisted (and went out of her way to insure) that she remain Lexa's primary caregiver. Clarke repeatedly refused the woman's help on nearly every occasion it was offered and her children often had to intervene to convince Clarke to let the medical professional perform the duties she was trained to do.  
  
Without it needing to be discussed, the family stayed at the apartment even after the weekend was done. With the exception of Justin who flew back home to Chicago to return to work, the group remained as they were before Lexa's stroke.

For the next few days they all took turns with her, talking to her, saying goodbye to her.

* * *

Lexa has been home for a full day. Soon after they arrived, Aden carried Lexa’s favorite plush chair from the living room and positioned it by her bedside. Roa now sits on said chair, listening attentively while the kids tell their grandmother one fantastical tale after the next.

Alex and August lay horizontally across the bed by Lexa's feet. Xander rests his head by Lexa's left hand carefully holding her frail, old hand between his young, small ones. AJ crawled up and landed by Lexa's head and, much to everyone's surprise, is sitting uncommonly still for what was normally expected from the hyperactive two year old.  
  
_"You really think she can hear us?"_  
  
August takes advantage of the lull in the conversation to turn towards her aunt with inquisitive yet sorrow filled eyes.  
  
_"I want to believe she can. I think we should keep talking to her either way. I want her to know we're here and she's not alone."  
  
"Ok."_  
  
The kids and Roa stayed that way, telling Lexa their favorite memories and stories until Clarke came to let them know it was time for lunch.

* * *

Costia sits by the bed with her guitar on her lap. The children were getting cabin fever after being home for two days and when Aden and Roa suggested they all go to pick up food just to get the kids and Clarke out of the house, they volunteered Costia to keep an eye on Lexa. She was the only one who had somehow not had alone time with Lexa and they didn't really give her much of a choice when it came to staying behind. They insisted they were only walking about ten blocks to pick up the take out and they should be there and back in less than an hour.  
  
Costia strums an identical chord over and over again, humming and mumbling the same progression of words repeatedly as she tries to find the right one for the song.  
  
_"Things were all good yesterday and then life took you...no. Fuck!"_  
  
Costia shouts in frustration. She's stuck.  
  
_"You know what?_ **Fuck you** _Lexa."_ Costia looks at Lexa, fire in her eyes. _"You don't get to do this. You don't get to put us through shit again."  
_  
Costia sets the guitar by the foot of the bed and begins to pace the length of the room.  
  
_"It's always about you. You always have to make it about yourself. Ro got a big promotion, Aden is about to be a dad again any second, Nana has some good shit going on but no one can just be happy and celebrate because they're too worried about you. Your timing fucking blows as usual."_  
  
Costia paces faster.  
  
_"I was so fucking happy. I was a happy kid. Yeah, sure, I wasn't the easiest kid but I was happy. Then you...I_ **loved** _you. We all did and you...you didn't fucking care."_  
  
Costia walks up right to the side of the bed to Lexa, hovering directly above her.  
  
_"Goddamn it Lexa, open your fucking eyes. You don't get to go without hearing what I have to say. I'm not letting you."_  
  
Lexa doesn't move. Costia storms out of the room. A short time later Costia tromps back into the room and throws an aged box onto the bed. The box contains the loop pedal Lexa had not so secretly bought for her daughter decades ago on the day of the last school performance Costia had before the shooting.  
  
_"Do you remember that? I never opened it. You made me promise I wouldn't until exams were done. I didn't and then..."_ Costia puts distance between her the bed then turns her back to Lexa. _"...then I was waiting for you to get better. I wanted to show you what I could do with it. But you never fucking did."  
_  
Costia paces up to the wall and rests her forehead against it before turning around to look at Lexa once again. She rests her back against the wall directly across from the bed.  
  
_"You never got better. At least not when we needed you to. You did it on your own fucking time as usual. Because things always happened when you wanted them to. We were always on Lexa time. It was too late. Maybe not to them, but it was for me."_  
  
Costia glues her eyes to the ceiling.  
_  
"For years I kept going back to that day. That afternoon. I wanted that back, I wanted that version of you back.”_

Costia pauses and scoffs.

 _“That was the last week I considered you my mom."_  
  
Costia wipes her face with the back of her hands and dries them on her jeans.  
  
_"Fuck you for doing that to me Lexa. You made me wish you were dead. A kid should never wish their parent dies but I honestly did. I wanted that. So many times. Now you're actually dying."_  
  
Costia laughs dolefully.  
  
_"Why does it hurt right here?"_  
  
Costia pushes her index finger into her chest with brute force.  
  
_"Right here Lexa. That's where I feel it. This is what I wanted for years. Now it's happening and I..."_  
  
Costia's breath starts to become shallow.  
  
_"I feel it right fucking here."_  
  
Costia slams her closed fist against her chest a few times.  
  
_"I've been so fucking angry at you for not being able to ask for help when you should've. For not talking when I needed you to. For not saying the things I wanted to hear, but you know what? That was me being a fucking hypocrite because I can't ask for help when I should and I could never say the things you wanted to hear and I never talked when I needed to. I'm just like you and that fucking pisses me off because I don't want to be. For the longest time you were everything I wanted to be. Then Jake...then he died and the idea of being like you sounded like a fucking nightmare. I spent my life thinking that if I stayed far enough I could purge every bit of you I had in me. I wanted to believe I was better than you but then in the most fucked up way I ended up becoming everything about you that I hate so fucking much. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking sad."_  
  
Costia angrily dries her face. It actually irritates her that she's crying.  
  
_"You turned me into everything I didn't want to be. Fuck you for that. I..."_  
  
Costia hears the front door open and the group immediately makes their way into the apartment. Costia begins to panic because she can't let them see her upset. The only thing Costia can think of is to lock herself in the bathroom until she can get her emotions under control.  
  
The bedroom door swings opens the moment Costia shuts the bathroom door behind her.  
  
Clarke walks in with Xander trailing closely behind her. She notes the empty chair, the guitar, and the box on the bed.  
  
_"Cos?"  
  
"Bathroom."_  
  
Costia screams from beyond the door.  
  
_"Can I watch toonies with grandma?"_  
  
Xander looks up at Clarke who nods and picks up the remote turning on the device that hung from the wall while the little boy hops on the bed and cuddles up next to Lexa, holding her hand in his as he always did.  
  
The bathroom door swings open and despite Costia's attempts, her face is red and splotchy. Her eyes meet Clarke's and Costia immediately shuts down.  
  
_"Work called. I have to go in."_  
  
Costia desperately needs to get out of the apartment and away from everyone so she resorts to what everyone knows is her default excuse. Costia beelines for the door before Clarke can get a word in.  
  
_"Costia..."_  
  
Costia reluctantly turns around to find Clarke's extended hand offering her the loop pedal box. Clarke knew exactly what that was and she also knew that it had sat in Costia's closet for decades, unopened since the day it was bought.  
  
Costia rushes over, grabs the box without saying a word, and leaves the room. Clarke closes her eyes and inhales deeply. Clarke walks over to the bed and sits on the chair that Costia sat in not long ago.  
  
_"Hi, love."_  
  
Clarke leans in and kisses Lexa's lips softly while she ran her hand over her wife's forehead pushing away the stray hair that keeps managing to escape the braids. Once she leans back in the chair she holds Lexa's right hand and begins to watch whatever show Xander has chosen.  
  
Moments later Anya steps into the room with two plates of food.  
  
_"Is Cos okay? I saw her basically running out of here."_  
  
Anya hands her nephew the smaller plate and Clarke the bigger one. Clarke shakes her head.  
  
_"I'm fine. Thank you."  
  
"Mom, you have to eat. Take it. I'm not leaving until you do."_  
  
Clarke knows arguing would be pointless so she takes the plate and sets it on her lap.  
  
_"Cos?"_  
  
Clarke shrugs.  
  
_"I'm assuming she said what she needed to say. I don't know. She didn't talk much."_  
  
Anya nods.  
  
_"Do you want to eat at the table? I can stay with her?"  
  
"No. It's okay. You go. Xan and I got it."_  
  
Xander looks up at Anya and nods with a smile.  
_  
"We're taking care of her Nana."_  
  
Anya scratches his scalp and offers him a dim smile in return.  
  
_"You're doing a good job."  
  
"Call if you need anything."_  
  
Anya instructs the pair before leaving the room. Once her daughter is gone, Clarke discards the untouched plate onto the bedside table and leans over to kiss Lexa's cheek.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
Clarke leans back and focuses on the television again yearning for the easy distraction.

* * *

Aden sits on the loveseat, leaning his body towards the bed with his elbows resting on the mattress and Lexa's hand pressed between his own.  
  
_"I'm scared of doing this without you. I always thought if or when I had a daughter she'd get to know you. I wanted her to learn everything important from you. Now she might not even meet you at all and that..."_ Aden brings his free hand to wipe his tears. _"I still need you. You've been through worse so I don't care what the doctors say. They gave up on you but I'm not. I won't. You can't go. You're not done. Not yet. I'm being selfish, I know. I'll admit it. But I still need you mom. For so many reasons."  
  
_ Aden brings Lexa's hand to his lips and gently kisses it.  
  
_"I need you mom. Please."_  
  
Aden waits seconds, minutes, and hours by Lexa's bed hoping his pleading made any different. Lexa unfortunately never reacts.

* * *

Anya sits by the bed with a wooden box on her lap. The sandalwood box was skillfully carved with a delicate imperial trellis pattern on the lid. Anya slowly runs her fingers over the etchings and sighs.  
  
Upon her daughter returning from her post-college globe trotting trip, Lexa had handed Anya this box. Inside it Anya discovered all the letters she wrote to Jake while abroad. They were carefully organized in the order in which Lexa had received them along with her own. Lexa had even gone as far as to inserting each individual letter inside an archival sleeve to ensure it's condition. Anya had kept the box and the letters intact without ever touching them except to add a letter here and there.  
  
Sometimes Anya found herself writing to her brother. She wrote on the happiest or hardest moments of her life. She wrote on the days she laughed until it hurt or cried until she ran out of tears. Anya wrote to Jake as a catharsis.  
  
Now here she was, facing the most terrifying change in her life and instead of writing all she wanted to do was read for a change. It felt right to allow Lexa to hear all the things Anya had written to her brother. Anya decided she would read all the letters she wrote to Jake out loud so that if there was such a thing as a heaven, Lexa could recount them to Jake once she saw him.  
  
Anya reaches into the box and flips through a few envelopes. She doesn't feel like reading these in order so she skips through a handful more before landing on a date she remembers quite well. She smiles at the surge of memories firing through her brain and picks out the letter. Anya carefully slides the envelope out of the transparent sleeve and breaks the seal on the back. She unfolds the paper inside and stares at the words she wrote decades ago when she was a different person leading a very different life. Anya take a deep, prolonged breath before speaking.  
  
_"Jakey,  
  
Today I've been thinking a lot about those afternoons when you would help with my numbers. You could've been watching your toonies or playing, but whenever it was time to do my homework you always chose to sit at the table with momma and I. You had numbers down since you were still in diapers so you took it upon yourself to help me remember how they went whenever I had a hard time with them. Momma called you her Assistant. She even made you a little badge and everything. You hung it up in your room and ran to get it every time we sat down so you could wear it. You were so proud that you got to help out. I wish I knew where that thing ended up. We've never really looked through the boxes since mom packed your room. I would love to have it if I ever found it. I think you'd be okay with that.  
  
When I think about those days, what always stands out to me the most is how incredibly patient you always were. Sometimes you'd have to repeat the numbers dozens of times while I struggled through my assignments but you never got exasperated or tired of it. You'd just say _ "Sissy, they go like this" _and you'd start rattling numbers off. The way you encouraged me made me feel less stupid and I loved you a lot for it. I know mom appreciated it when you helped us out with counting things out at the store or around the house too. Having a little math whiz in a family with two people who suck at numbers was both intimidating and a relief. But anyway, there's a point to this story. I promise.  
  
I'm in a little village a few hours outside of Quito now. Remember that teacher I met in Rio a few weeks ago? If you don't, then it's the really gorgeous one who said I could come watch her teach any time. I took her up on that. She is a middle school teacher in Quito during the week, but she comes back to the village where her family lives on the weekends to teach kids for free. The infrastructure here is really lacking and without volunteers like Patricia, these kids would go without any formal education.  
  
When we were in bed last night she asked if I wanted to help her teach today's class. She asked while she was naked so of course I immediately agreed. I probably should've asked more questions before I did that because it turns out today's lesson was math. I felt like such a loser when I had to pull her aside in the middle of the class and let her know that I wasn’t joking when I told her I could not help the kids with the problem she had drawn on the board.  
  
Patricia was completely unaware of what dyscalculia entailed until I explained it to her. She never heard about it even once in school and she graduated from the best university in Peru. I'm always so self conscious when telling people about it because I'm afraid they will treat me like I'm dumb, but she didn't. It was the opposite actually. Once she wrapped her head around it she wanted to know everything. She asked questions and absorbed every piece of information I had to share. I didn't realize why until later.  
  
The second day we were there I finally noticed this little boy in her class named Salvador. He looked miserable from the time he came in. It was obvious he didn't want to be there. As the lesson progressed, I caught on to the fact that he was the only one not participating. He wasn't even looking at the board which was very much like how I used to be in math class. Patricia gave the students some problems and once the rest of the kids were working she walked up to Salvador and, with the same amount of patience that you always had for me when I hit a wall with my counting, she took the time to break down the lesson for him. Once class was over she told me she was going to do as much research as she could into dyscalculia because based on what I said she is convinced Salvador might have it and she wants to be able to help him overcome it. I could've married that girl right then and there. I swear I could've.  
  
Watching her interact with those kids for two days made me realize that maybe that's something I'd like to try out. I've been thinking about it a lot for the last few hours. Maybe I could be a teacher. What do you think?  
  
Anyway, this is getting long and Pato has been waiting for me by the fountain for a while. I do want to tell you one more thing before I go. I've met a lot of beautiful people on this trip but my favorite ones are those that have bits of you in them. I find you everywhere I look Jake and if that's your way of letting me know you're okay, I appreciate it.  
  
I love you baby brudder.  
  
Nana."  
_  
Anya finishes reading and her eyes scan the words on the page. She wipes the tears from her face and smiles as she carefully folds it back up.  
  
_"That was a good one, wasn't it?"_  
  
Anya turns to Lexa expecting an answer that never comes.  
  
_"Ok. Let's do another one."_  
  
Anya inserts the Peru letter back into the proper chronological spot where it belongs and sifts through a few dozen more until she comes across another date that stands out to her. She pulls it out and stares at it. Anya debates reading this one. If Lexa is really listening there's things Anya would rather Lexa not know, but at the same time she might never get another chance to do this.  
  
Anya holds the envelope for long moments before flipping it over and sliding the paper out. She unfolds it and scrutinizes the contents contemplatively for quite a while before her voice fills the room.  
  
_"Jake,  
  
I did it! I made it to every city and every country on my list. I'm sitting at the largest temple in Beijing. It’s called the Yonghe Temple and, fun fact, court eunuchs lived here once. For obvious reasons it was probably not as fun for them, but I thought it was a very interesting tidbit when the guide mentioned it. A prince that went on to be an emperor lived here once too. Now it’s mainly just Tibetan Monks. It feels like a pretty special place and not just because it’s probably one of the last ones I’m going to see in this adventure.  
  
Random tourist attraction facts aside, can I be honest with you though? I thought that when I got to the end of the trip I'd feel...something. That I'd feel accomplished or happy or sad or excited or anything really. I don't. I feel nothing. I haven't felt much of anything in a long time. It took me until college to figure out what it was and I thought this tour, seeing the world, meeting new people, I thought it would all fix the numbness but it hasn't. I had hope that it would.  
  
You want to know something else I've never told anyone? I think a lot about what it would feel like to stop existing. I sometimes lose sleep over it. It sounds intriguing, like a relief. I wonder what it feels like to be where you are. I think about dying a lot Jake. I don't know why. I don't think I want to die. I also would never do anything like that because I would not put them through that, but if I'm being honest it does cross my mind several times a day.  
  
Would it be easier or would it just be nothing?  
  
It scares me to think that you might be nothing. That this whole trip was in vain because you couldn't see any of it. I want to think there's at least a piece of you out there, one that's listening. One that knows how much I miss you, how much we all miss you.  
  
Want to know what else scares me? Home. This excursion, it was supposed to change everything but what if I go back and I'm the same? What if everyone else is the same? What if we still feel just as broken as the day you died? My flight home is in three days but I've been thinking of going back early, ripping the band-aid off and finding out if the last six months made a difference at all.  
  
This isn't how I expected my last letter to go. I left home to see the world and I didn't feel fear but I do now that I'm going back. I wasn't scared because even though to everyone else it seemed like I was taking off on this daunting adventure by myself, I believed you'd be with me the_ _entire time and that once I got to this exact point the world would be different. I did the trip, I met the people, I made the memories but the world still looks, sounds, and feels the same. So now, now I feel like maybe all of you is really gone and maybe our family will be like this forever. Both those things are more terrifying than backpacking around the world alone.  
  
I don't know what to think any more baby brudder_.  
  
_Love you forever.  
  
Nana."_  
  
Anya folds the letter and holds it in her hands before leaning back in her chair. Anya sits in still silence for well over five minutes. During that time Anya takes all of her mother in. Every wrinkle, every beauty mark, every strand of hair, every small and involuntary twitch. Anya makes a mental note of each detail. She also takes in the fact that Lexa looks at ease. If it wasn’t for the slow humming and beeping coming from the machines that keep track of her vitals it would be easy to trick the mind into thinking she was just napping. Most importantly, Anya commits to memory the slow rise and fall of Lexa's chest. That might be the most important thing Anya internalizes because she doesn't know how much longer she'll get to witness it.  
  
When she feels ready, Anya speaks again.  
  
_"I don't know what changed while I was gone because at first glance it didn't seem like anything major happened but it felt different when I got here._ **You** _felt different mom. I stood in that doorway and I took one good look at you and I wasn't scared anymore. You always had that power. You could always make us feel better by just being there. It's why it was so hard when you weren't after he died. And..."_  
  
A soft knock on the door interrupts Anya. Anya turns just as Roa pokes her head in.  
  
_"Hey. I'm going to the store because we're running low on some stuff. Want anything?"_  
  
Anya shakes her head no.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Roa begins to back out of the room but changes her mind and steps inside instead. She walks up behind Anya and wraps her arms around her neck before kissing her sister's cheek.  
  
_"Jake's letters."_  
  
Roa has seen the box before and she knew full well what it contained, but she'd never seen it open before and she certainly never knew how many letters existed.  
  
_"I was reading to her."_  
  
Roa kisses the side of Anya's head.  
  
_"She'd love this."_  
  
Anya nods without adding anything else.  
_  
"You sure you don't have any requests?"_  
  
Anya briefly contemplates.  
  
_"Hibiscus tea maybe?"  
  
"You got it."_  
  
With that, Roa unravels her arms from around Anya's neck and guides them to her sister's shoulders. Her eyes never leave Lexa. Roa pinches Anya's shoulder as she begins to speak one more time.  
  
_"Remind her we love her with everything we’ve got when I'm gone."_  
  
Roa gives Anya's shoulder a good squeeze and makes for the door.  
  
_"Will do."_  
  
Once Roa is out of the room, Anya slumps against the chair and gapes at Lexa. From this angle Anya notices how the light bounces off Lexa's face and almost glistens against her skin. She silently analyzes and takes every millimeter of it in before removing the box from her lap and gently placing it on the floor. Anya stands and moves for the door prior to leaving the room only to return a minute or so later with her camera in tow. Anya snaps a dozen or so pictures from different angles then puts the camera down on the dresser. Anya heads for the empty side of the bed and carefully lays down on the duvet facing Lexa. She holds Lexa's frail hand between hers and closes her eyes. Anya lays immobile for a minute before she kisses her mother's shoulder.  
  
_"We love you. Don't you ever forget that."_  
  
Anya nuzzles up to Lexa and practically buries her face into her mother’s side, getting as close to her as she physically could. Surrounded by Lexa's smell, swaddled by warmth, and accompanied by the humming soundtrack that indicates Lexa’s steady heartbeat, Anya is sound asleep within a couple of minutes.

* * *

After the rest of the family has gone to sleep or at least retreated to their individual bedrooms, Clarke crawls in bed next to Lexa. She lays flat on her back holding the fresh print of an old photo in her hands.  
  
_"I still can't believe you sneezed on him."_  
  
Clarke chuckles and stares at the photo she took of Lexa and Jake that first time he ever got sick. For all intents and purposes, he was still a newborn when him and Lexa caught the same terrible cold at the same exact time. Clarke chuckles remembering how stubborn Lexa would be when sick. She thinks about what Lexa would say if she saw how they were fussing over her now and Clarke can quite distinctly hear the grumbling and angry muttering in her head.  
  
_"Look at the two of you. Even the sleepy pout is the same."_  
  
Clarke turns to face Lexa and plants a soft peck on Lexa's cheek before running her thumb over the spot she had just kissed.  
  
_"You two were special Lex. We all knew that."_  
  
Clarke appraises Lexa's face before speaking once more.  
  
_"I dreamt of him last night. It had been so long since he visited, but he did and we talked. I made him promise he'd take care of you. Someone's got to."_  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and her eyes return to the picture.  
  
_"What am I supposed to do without you, Lex?"_  
  
Clarke let's the words dangle in the air and adds nothing more. Minutes later, after she places the photo on Lexa's pillow, Clarke intertwines their fingers and lays next to her wife, paying close attention to the rhythmic hum of the machines monitoring Lexa's vitals. Clarke has learned how to separate Lexa's breathing from all the other noise because she needs to. Clarke still needs to keep track of it. Counting the heavy inhales and exhales are the only thing tethering Clarke to her sanity. Once those stop Clarke has no idea who she will be.  
  
_"Do you remember Dante's wedding?"_  
  
Clarke started doing this once Lexa got sick. Once they were in bed for the night, Clarke would tell Lexa stories but instead of it being make believe fairy tales like they used to do with the kids, Clarke recounted their past. Clarke chose her favorite moments together and did her best to keep them alive somewhere in Lexa's mind. Even after Lexa doze off, Clarke would sometimes keep talking. Clarke thought that maybe if Lexa heard them then she wouldn't let go of them. Some nights Lexa would participate and add details Clarke had forgotten, others – the ones where Lexa’s mind went blank – she would intently listen in silence until sleep got the best of her. It's those nights where Clarke contemplated the idea that there was a very real possibility that she was doing this more for herself than for Lexa. Perhaps Clarke needed to remind herself of the good times too.  
  
_"He rented that huge plantation down in Georgia. I was so pregnant with Roa but I somehow convinced you to get on a plane with me even though I knew you'd be neurotic the entire time. We slept in every morning of that weekend. I couldn’t remember the last time when it was just the two of us away from the city with no kids in tow and it was great to get a chance to just be. Just us. No mom or momma, just Clarke and Lexa. We had that spicy fried chicken and red velvet waffles for lunch on Friday and even though the chicken was so hot that it made you cry the entire time you ate it, I made us go back on Saturday because I'd woken up craving that same thing again. I don't know why you loved me enough to put yourself through that twice when you hate really spicy food but you did. You were always doing things you had no interest in because of me and it usually never ended well for you. I have no idea how I kept talking you into anything. Like that time I dragged you onto a hot air balloon and you didn’t open your eyes once in the entire two hours we were up there. Or when I made you try fried crickets in Bangkok and you threw up for an hour straight afterward. Or when I convinced you to come to Raven's senior week party and you ended up needing to get your eyebrow stitched up because you actually headbutted the guy that squeezed my boobs."  
_  
Clarke laughs as she remembers the never ending list of hairy situations she got Lexa in.  
  
_"I don't know why you stuck around, but you were the best thing that happened to me Lexa."_  
  
Clarke inches her body towards Lexa and her head ends resting on the older woman's shoulder.  
  
_"I'm not ready, but if you are then I can't be selfish about this. I can't ask you to suffer anymore."_  
  
Clarke gently kisses Lexa's cheek and her voice drops to a whisper and a few stray tears escape her eyes.  
  
_"You can rest baby. If you need to, you can let go."_  
  
It doesn't take long for Clarke to fall asleep once she silently begins counting Lexa's breath for what feels like the hundredth time that day.

* * *

Once the sun rose Clarke decided their bedsheets needed changing and that is exactly what she set out to do the moment everyone was awake and out of the apartment running whatever errands needed to be ran that day. Anya was virtually forced to attend a faculty meeting she couldn't get out of seeing as it was the first one leading up to the new semester, Aden had to go to the restaurant and take care of a produce delivery disaster that couldn’t be put off any longer, and – in an attempt to keep things as normal as possible for the little ones – Roa had taken the kids out to a movie matinee. Everyone else being gone meant that when Clarke and Nurse Bautista needed an extra pair of hands, the responsibility of helping out fell on Costia. Now that the demanding part is done and the bottom sheet had been changed, Costia loiters around the far side of the master bedroom as Clarke and the imposing Filipino woman glide around the bed setting the top sheet, blankets, and pillows necessary to keep Lexa comfortable and without bed sores. Once they finish tucking Lexa in, Clarke turns to Costia.

 _"If we're running the laundry I might as well change all the sheets."_  
  
Clarke stated as she followed Ms. Bautista out of the room. Costia initially watches them both go without thinking much of it then, suddenly, she mildly panics.  
  
_"Uhm...mom?!"_  
  
Clarke walks back into the room and ogles at Costia. From the look on her face she can pinpoint exactly what her daughter is thinking.  
  
_"I'm literally right down the hall Costia. Just stay with her until I'm done. Unless you want to take off all the sheets and pillowcases off every bed then sort them and throw them in the washer..."_ Clarke waits for an answer but when it doesn't come she lifts her eyebrow at her daughter. _"That's what I thought."_  
  
With that Clarke exits the room leaving Costia and Lexa alone for the first time since Costia's last outburst. Costia sighs and heads for the chair that has remained by the bed since Lexa was brought home.  
  
Costia takes off her boots and lifts her feet onto the bed before pulling out her phone and beginning the mindless social media scroll.

About seven minutes pass and Costia continues switching back and forth between different applications that she has no real interest in being a part of but that somehow remain on her phone. That is until she feels the bed stir. Costia’s head whips to the left and she is confronted with something she never thought she’d see again. Lexa’s glassy eyes are wide open and she’s looking straight at the ceiling. Costia spine instantly straightens and her eyes double in size.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Costia switches over from the chair and slides onto the sliver of mattress left next to Lexa.  
  
_"Lexa..."_  
  
Lexa doesn't respond.  
  
_"Mom!"_  
  
Costia turns towards the door to call for Clarke. She gets no response. Costia isn't sure what comes over her, but she reaches out and holds Lexa's hand.  
  
_"Hey. Can you hear me?"_  
  
Lexa doesn't respond but much to Costia's shock, she turns her head over and looks at Costia.  
  
_"MOOOOM!"_  
  
Costia calls louder for Clarke but still gets nothing.  
  
_"Hey."_ Lexa stares blankly at Costia. _"Can you hear me? Can you talk?"_ Lexa offers no response. Her eyes begin to close. Costia, panicked and desperate to keep Lexa's eyes open until Clarke can see it herself, starts speaking again. _"I love you. You hear that?"_ Lexa's eyes creep open once more. _"You're a fucking asshole. You fucked up hard and you hurt all of us. I wanted to hate you so badly for so long but I love you. I never stopped. You need to know that. Lexa..."  
_  
Lexa blinks a few times but there's nothing there.  
  
_"For fucks sake...MOM!"_ Costia hollers for Clarke again. Tears stream down Costia's face as she sanguinely stares at the door hoping for Clarke – or at this point literally anyone else – to walk in. When no one comes Costia turns back to Lexa. _"I love you. Okay? Thank you for not hating me when you should have."  
_  
Costia squeezes Lexa's hand but doesn't add anything else. There's nothing more to say.  
  
Within a handful of seconds Lexa's eyes close for the last time.

* * *

Less than nine hours later Alexandria Griffin-Woods' heart stops. She dies peacefully on July 7th, 2063 in the same room where she lived and loved for most of her life and surrounded by those who were dearest to her.  
  
Lexa dies thirty five years and twenty four days after an attempt was made on her life that ended up costing her her firstborn son instead. Lexa manages to live three decades with that guilt and without him, yet somehow she made the best of it.

* * *

** July 11th, 2063 **

Aden and Anya stand at either side of Clarke, holding up most of her weight as they carefully lead her into the master bedroom. Costia and Roa move only steps behind the trio. The group’s faces are puffy and reddish giving the clear indication that they’ve been recently crying and quite profusely. Their level of dishevelment is understandable given that the family is returning from a meeting with Luciana where Lexa’s will was unveiled.

Throughout their years together at the District Attorney’s office, Lexa and Luciana’s relationship had evolved from that of mere colleagues into a great friendship. Luciana became Lexa’s First ADA once Lexa was elected as Manhattan’s first lesbian District Attorney. The two of them together made a stellar team, raising the reputation – and conviction success rate – of the Manhattan DA’s office to unprecedented heights. Once Luciana approached the family after the funeral to let them know that Lexa requested she handle her estate, the selection came as a surprise to no one. That Lexa had left a very thorough set of instructions as to how, where, and when she wanted her last wishes to be handled was also not at all shocking.  
  
The four days since Lexa’s passing have taken a lot out of everyone, but none more so than Clarke. Clarke looks beyond worn out. The kids swear she’s aged ten years since the afternoon Lexa’s heart stopped. Losing the love of her life has been borderline unbearably excruciating for Clarke and, for the moment, her bed is the only place she can imagine being. Anya and Aden guide her right up to the edge of the mattress and force her to lay down.  
  
_"We'll be outside, okay? Justin and Jaime shouldn't be back with the kids for a couple more hours."_ Anya gently brushes the hair away from Clarke's weathered face and the loving touch makes Clarke lean into the hand while closing her eyes and sighing. _"Take a nap. The house will be quiet for a bit. I know you're tired."  
_  
Clarke opens her eyes and scans the room. Costia stands at the foot of the bed with her arms cross over her chest, Aden sits on the bed by her feet, Roa stands next to Anya, and Anya sits next to her. She can see bits of Lexa in all of them and at the moment she's not sure if that is more comforting or gut wrenching. Either way, they’re as close as Clarke will ever be to Lexa for what is left of her life and, at the moment, being close to Lexa is all Clarke yearns for.  
  
_"Stay with me."_  
  
Clarke scoots over to the middle of the bed. Anya turns to look at the others and they silently communicate with each other. Anya is the first to lay down on Clarke's right side and Roa lays next to her. Costia crawls her way up from the foot of the bed towards Clarke's left side and Aden, who was busy removing his shoes and socks before he got on the bed, is the last one to join them. He lays down next to Costia to complete sandwiching his mother.  
  
_"It's a good thing we had a big bed."_ Anya and Costia nuzzle further into Clarke. Roa and Aden slide closer as well. They're squeezing her, but Clarke doesn't mind at all. _"I miss her."  
_  
Clarke doesn't need to say any more before the tears begin to cascade out of her. Anya takes her thumbs and tries to wipe the escaping tears from her mother's face.  
  
_"We know you do mom. Of course you do."_ When the falling wetness proves to be too much for Anya's thumbs to contain, she brings her lips to Clarke's right cheek and begins kissing it repeatedly while stroking Clarke's hair. Once that doesn’t feel like enough either, Anya glides Clarke's face to rest in the crook of her neck. Opposite Anya, Costia places gentle kisses on Clarke's shoulder. Roa holds Clarke's right hand and Aden rests his open palm on Clarke's stomach. They're doing their best to let her know they're there and she's not alone without having to verbally say it. _"You tell us what you need us to do to help."  
  
"Stay with me."  
  
"We're not going anywhere."  
_  
Aden reassures her one last time before the room falls back to silence. For hours all that can be heard in the apartment is the sound of their weeping.

* * *

After taking the time to lay, cry, and grieve their loss together, Clarke's voice – now extra hoarse from all the bawling she's been doing – commands her children's attention.  
  
_"We should open the package."_  
  
At the conclusion of the reading of Lexa's will, Luciana had pulled out a padded manila envelope from her bag. It had the words _"Griffin-Woods family"_ written in the front in what they all recognized to be Lexa's distinctive handwriting. Luciana had told them that Lexa requested they open it together and informed them that they'd be further instructions inside. That was Lexa, authoritative until the very end. Even after death shelling out orders for people to follow.  
  
_"I'll get it."_  
  
Aden offers while he stands up and aims for the dresser where he had placed the envelope as they walked into the room. He's back on the bed within seconds. While Aden did that, the four women made an effort to at least somewhat sit up. Once Aden is back under the covers with them, he extends the envelope to Clarke before resting his back against the headboard and reaching for Costia's hand.  
  
Clarke slowly runs her fingers over the handwriting, carefully tracing each of the letters. Lexa had touched this. She had written this. It was the last bit of her they had. Once she feels ready, Clarke turns over the package and rips the strip in the back. She dips her hand into the open slit and pulls out six smaller envelopes. The one on top reads "Family" and the other five seem to have each of their individual names. Clarke puts the latter ones down and focuses on the one that seems to be for all of them. She rips the edge and pulls out two sheets of paper, sheets that she instantly recognizes as Lexa's letterhead. As a result of Clarke removing the paper from the sleeve, a picture falls out onto her chest. Clarke picks it up and examines it attentively, immediately recalling when and where this is from.

The picture in Clarke’s hand was taken in Boston the night of Costia's graduation from Berklee College Of Music. It was warm and muggy that evening and after dinner they had decided to go for a walk in the Common Gardens instead of returning to their hotel. As they walked over the bridge above the small lake at the center of the Gardens, Roa suggested they take selfie for her social media and everyone obliged. The group huddled up under one of the lamps and given the impossibly wider smiles on their faces it was easy to say that the captured moment seemed perfect. Beyond the happiness oozing from the moment, the print Clarke holds is also impactful because they all look young and fresh in the image. Clarke was forty four, Lexa was forty seven, Costia was twenty one and a college graduate chockful of big dreams, Anya was twenty and a rising junior at New York University, Roa was fifteen and a rising high school sophomore, and Aden was a week away from turning seven. Back then they were happy and together and things were definitely much simpler. At this point, and after suffering this ruinous loss, it's impossible for each of them not to crave to be transported back to that night, if only for a few hours.  
  
Clarke lays the picture down to rest on her stomach and unfolds the two pieces of paper she's also been clutching. The mere sight of Lexa's handwriting overflows her eyes with a fresh wave of tears. Nevertheless, Clarke begins to read the words out loud.  
  
_"To my "clan",  
  
This feels almost impossible to write. How does one say goodbye to the best and brightest part of you? I'm not at all sure, but perhaps I'll figure it out by the time I reach the end of this letter.  
  
I never talked about my childhood with you because, even now in my old age, some of it still stings too vividly. Sadly, I’ve come to realize that it’s time to say goodbye and there is an entire chunk of my past that none of you know a thing about. A lot of this Clarke will be at least vaguely aware of because I was always as truthful with your mother as I could be, but you kids, I tried to protect the five of you from as much as I could for as long as I could. I find myself quickly approaching the end of my useful life and I realized you have no context of who I was before your mother blazed her way into my story. Allow me to share a small piece of it because maybe it will help you better understand who I came to be because of all of you.  
  
You are aware that Anya and I lost our biological mother when I was just five and she was eleven. What you don't know is that our mother was a drug addict. She loved heroin more than she loved your aunt and I or our wellbeing. It’s been a long time and I’ve come to forgive her because I grew to understand that her addiction was a disease, but it doesn’t change the fact that because of her I've had the misfortune to intimately experience what drugs can do to a person. She is the reason why I have been so insistent that you always steer clear from them. Whenever you asked about my past I always told you that the reason your aunt and I went into the foster system is because our mother died and we had no other family to look after us. I believe you were always smart enough to know that there was more to that story and there is. In some misguided attempt to shield you from the ugliness in the world, there was a part of that past that I refused to share. What you don’t know is that our mother died of an overdose and that I was the person who found her. _

_I never made you privy to the fact that Joanna was sitting at the small table in our trailer with a needle still sticking out of her arm when I woke up from a nap. You are in the dark about the hours that I spent talking and playing next to her. I spoke to her with the hope that she would wake up and feed me. I can relive how hungry I was, I can perfectly recall the chill of her skin, but for some reason the one thing I remember more distinctly than anything is how alone I felt all those hours. I felt lonely in spite of the fact that I naively believed my mother was doing nothing but sleeping next to me.  
  
Your aunt came home after school and, although she didn't necessarily grasp that our mother was dead at the time, she knew something was wrong enough that "they" (social services) could take us away like they had done to her once before I was born. Her eleven year old brain convinced her that we should run and run we did. We spent days in a cave near our trailer with nothing more than old, torn blankets to shield us from the cold. Those same blankets barely did their job inside the rundown double wide, meaning that they definitely didn't offer much warmth and comfort outside of it. While your aunt went to school to trade with other kids and basically scavenge for the food that we were living off of, I would spend hours by myself in that cave. I was terrified every minute of every day until Child Protective Services accidentally found us.  
  
During those mornings, the ones where every sound in the scary, dimly lit cave made each individual cell in my body jerk, I only wished for one thing. I wished to not be alone anymore. It's the _ ** one ** _thing I wanted back then and that burning desire didn't subside for years. Not until any of you came along.  
  
I'm not telling you this to make you sad, I'm offering up this bleak piece of my life to you in the hopes that you understand how loved you were. I yearned for all of you since I was a scared five year old. You were wanted and once I had you, you were treasured even on the days I failed to show it. The six of you were an honest wish come true. I never knew how to properly express my gratitude for giving that little girl what she wanted more than anything else in the world, but maybe this last ditch attempt will somehow be enough.  
  
Allow me to be difficult a final time. Take the envelopes marked with each one of your names but don't open them just yet. Do this last thing for me: hold on to them until you are at your favorite place in the world. Or maybe go somewhere where you feel safe and at peace. Or travel somewhere you love. Wherever you may choose to open this, my only request is that I want my last moments with each of you to be wonderful. I want you to have a last phenomenal memory of us.  
  
Take your time. Don't rush into it. Wait for the right moment at the perfect location. My words will be there whenever you're ready.  
  
In every envelope there is a letter and a picture. Images seem to be the only things tethering me to my memories these days. I fear my mind will be blank soon enough and I want to share my favorites with each of you before I no longer can.  
  
I know how difficult loss can be. Trust me, I do. Do me a favor though, learn from me. Let my mistakes serve us both and don't let this consume you. Don't be angry about it. Use my death as a way to move forward, to grow. Maybe use it as an excuse to become closer with each other. Perhaps see it as a fresh start. Or to take a trip to the place you've always wanted to visit but never have now that I’ve presented you with the excuse of opening an envelope. Whatever you do, please don't let me being gone break you. You all have so much to give. I know this because I was on the receiving end of the wonderful things you can offer. _

_Let the dead be gone, it's all I'm asking of you.  
  
Thank you for bestowing that terrified five year old clinging to rags in a cave more than she could ever have hoped for. I never deserved you but I got you anyway. Being aware that there was probably some cosmic mix-up somewhere made me thankful for being fortunate enough to have had you every single day of my life, right until the very end.  
  
My heart already aches for us all to cross paths in another time or another place. May we meet again.  
  
I love you, forever.  
  
Momma."  
_  
Clarke folds the pages and slides them carefully back into their envelope along with the picture. Clarke then reaches for the five envelopes, delivers each one to their respective owner, and keeps the last one to herself.  
  
_"I can't believe she gave us homework."_  
  
Costia speaks for the first time in hours and her family burst out in wet laughs.  
  
_"It's the most mom thing. I don't know how we didn't see this coming."_  
  
Roa laughs while looking at her name on the envelope as new tears slowly roll down the side of her face and onto the pillow underneath her.  
  
_"I guess we have work to do."_  
  
Anya tells the group.  
  
_"Not yet, not now."_  
  
Clarke pulls the girls closer to her indicating she's not prepared to end the moment.  
  
_"Whenever you're ready mom."_  
  
Anya tells her mother softly before moving her face further into the nook of her neck and closing her eyes.  
  
Justin and Jaime find the five of them sound asleep, tangled in a mess of limbs a few hours later. From that day on, laying in bed in a pile of bodies became tradition every time the fivesome were together.

* * *

** July 1st, 2064  
**

Aden struts into the cramped, miniscule office they had carved for him next to the kitchen. There was barely any room for a small desk and a chair but it was his and over the last few weeks he’d grown to value it. Instead of a wall, Aden had insisted they install thick plexiglass so that he could always keep an eye on the line and the staff even when he was technically away.  
  
Aden sits at the desk and stares out into the madness that is _his_ kitchen. It's the opening night of _"Boschi"_ and the minutes were furiously ticking down until the first round of patrons walked through the doors. The thought of a room full of hundreds of people waiting to eat _his_ food made Aden’s blood pressure furiously tick up.  
  
_Boschi_ \- Italian for "Woods" - was the name on the lips of every New York City foodie. This was all thanks to the buzz that has built around both the restaurant and Aden as an up-and-coming new chef. The discerning circles in the city were so intrigued, that the restaurant was booked solid for the first two weeks and they have yet to serve a single plate of food.

For the longest time Aden thought he had a clear concept of what he had wanted to do if he ever got the opportunity to open his own restaurant, but after Lexa's unexpected death his world was rattled. Out of all four children, Aden was the one who was most torn by the loss. When he finally emerged from his period of angry grief, he decided that his first restaurant had to pay homage to his mother in some way. Lexa’s last name was the perfect springboard and from there Aden built a distinct concept of _“small Northern Italian mountain village gastronomy with an elevated urban twist”_.

Aden locked himself away for days to write down all of Lexa's favorite things to eat and based on that list he reverse engineered a menu that would tie into his concept and his culinary point of view. The main color palette for _Boschi_ revolved around greens and browns. Everything about this restaurant, from the logo design down to the texture of the cushions for the chairs, or the shapes of the plates was somehow tied to Lexa. The core of this restaurant was something deeply personal and precious to Aden. Not everyone was privy to the intimate details because they are not something the executive chef readily shared, but Aden knew and that was more than sufficient for him.

Aden poured the adoration he had for his mother and the heartache that losing her caused into this restaurant. That meant everything he did had intention and a borderline chaotic undercurrent of passion to it. That zeal was felt by everyone involved in launching this project and it was through those people, the ones who saw the intensity and commitment the chef brought day in and day out, that the word began about _Boschi_ began to spread. It was not long before _Boschi_ was the eatery everyone who was anyone in New York was craving to try without it actually being in business. The mayhem currently unfolding in the kitchen is proof of that. They don't open for a few hours but prep for a completely booked dinner service is in full swing.  
  
From his chair Aden follows his sous chef and wife of two months as she gracefully yet authoritatively dishes out instructions to their staff while seemingly gliding around the space with the ease of a ballerina on stage. Jaime orders around men twice her size all while gently cupping the head of the eleven month old baby girl swaddled against her chest. Jaime kisses Alessa’s head in between sentences and continues to put out fires without missing a beat regardless of Giaco being underfoot with every step she takes. In the distance, Aden can hear Clarke’s voice rip through the dining area as she barks at the contractors, pressuring them to hang the last minute art pieces she brought over faster than they probably could. Aden has also received confirmation that his sisters and their kids were on their way and – barring some traffic catastrophe – should only be as fashionably late as usual. This day was gearing up to be as faultless as Aden could picture it without Lexa around.  
  
Aden exhales and leans back in his chair before opening his top desk drawer. He shuffles a few things around and fishes out the envelope that has been living at the bottom of that drawer, waiting for this particular day, since the late night it was haphazardly assembled in this very room.  
  
The sound of the door opening snaps Aden out of his train of thought.  
  
_"Don't freak out."_  
  
A six year old blur of a boy bolts in between Jaime's legs and straight towards his father. Once Giaco reaches his destination, he instantly climbs onto his father’s lap and rests his head against Aden's torso before sticking his thumb in his mouth.  
  
_"That's a terrible way to start a conversation, you know that right?"_ Aden wraps one arm around Giaco's stomach pressing him further into his chest and rubs the hands that have become twice as calloused and dry in the past month over his face as he braces for the bad news.  
  
_"The ossobuco feels tough and chewy, the agnolotti is not only salty but also falling apart in the water, the brasato is still not even close to done, and the truck that is carrying the white truffles for the tajarin broke down somewhere in Jersey. Finn is trying to get the location so that we can send an Uber out there to pick the boxes up but we can't seem to reach the driver now."_  
  
Aden exhales loudly and looks at Jaime who now bounces slightly in an effort to calm the slightly fussy baby.  
_  
"Can you give me five?"_  
  
Jaime scrunches her brow and looks at him confused. It was uncharacteristic of Aden to not be up and in action already.  
  
_"Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine. Just need a few minutes. I have to do something."_ Aden leans down to kiss the top of Giaco's head and gently pushes him off his lap. _"Go find your grandma and distract her a bit so I can be sure she's not driving the men drilling holes into my walls too crazy."_  
  
Giaco looks up not really understanding what his father was asking of him and, with his thumb still fully in his mouth, he asks for clarification.  
  
_"What daddy?"_  
  
Aden pulls Giaco's hand from his mouth and uses the boy's own small shirt to dry his hand from the saliva that was dripping from it.

After a successful yet nasty custody battle, Giaco was permanently living with Aden and Jaime as of six months ago. Ever since they got sole custody, the adults have tried to get Giaco to give up sucking his thumb using every single trick they have read about online but each approach has failed more miserably than the previous one. Given the level of stress everyone has been dealing with leading up to tonight, they've simply decided to let him and his nasty habits be for the moment.  
  
_"Go play with grandma."_ Aden gently nudges his son towards the door. _"Go."_  
  
At the much clearer directive the little boy zooms off to the front of the restaurant.  
  
_"You sure you're good?"_  
  
Aden smiles and, as it tends to happen every time he does, the dimpled chin he inherited from Clarke grows more pronounced.  
  
_"Honestly, never better. It's why I need to take care of something."  
  
"You're being weird but I guess you always are so..."_  
  
They smile at each other and Aden playfully winks at Jaime causing her to shake her head, roll her eyes, and leaves her husband in the office by himself.  
  
Aden looks down at the open drawer and at the envelope that rests inside it with his name scribbled in Lexa's characteristic cursive handwriting. He picks up the delicate package and without hesitation rips the top to shreds before digging into it and pulling the folded paper out. When he does a picture falls into the desk.  
  
The print was a still of him and Lexa resting against a bed in the rustic cottage. The cottage was rented for a weekend getaway to Connecticut that Clarke planned on a random whim after Lexa wrapped a particularly arduous triple homicide case. Aden distinctly remembers that weekend because it had just been him and his moms. Costia was already in Los Angeles, Anya had some big project due so she was camping out at the NYU library until it was done, and high school junior Roa had decided to stay with some friends in the city instead of going with them to the tiny, scenic, coastal town.  
  
Up until that point in his life, Aden hadn't gotten Clarke and Lexa to himself for more than a handful of hours at a time so the idea of an entire weekend with just the three of them was a particular treat for him and he was overjoyed. Aden remembers spending every second of those three days running around with Lexa, battling all sorts of foes in make believe lands while Clarke looked on, laughed, and sketched. It wasn't a weekend that stood out to my him before, but now that he sees the candid picture of Lexa looking at him with a hat covering his eyes while his mother beams a smile in his direction he can understand why Lexa chose it as the moment she wanted to highlight between the two of them.  
  
Aden dissects every inch of the picture and inhales deeply while willing himself not to cry. It’s the last thing he would want his staff to see him do and, suddenly, the glass wall doesn’t seem like such a grand idea after all.

Aden places the photo back on his desk and reaches for the folded sheet of paper. He carefully pulls back the flaps and is greeted by a wall of Lexa's words.  
  
_"Aden,  
  
You were the most unexpected gift, but precious nonetheless. Time often puts tragedy into perspective and this wasn't the exception. I won't say I'm happy about what happened to your brother, but I am glad that something triggered your existence because I can't imagine what our lives or our family would have been without you. You made us better; you made us complete. You taught me how to heal, how to love, and how to laugh again. _

_Thank for all you gave our family and, above all else, thank you for all you gave me back. I'm overflowing with gratitude because not only did you change me for the better by simply existing, but also because we both lived long enough that I got the opportunity to watch you become the kind and loving brother, devoted father and partner, and successful businessman I always knew you were meant to be.  
  
Although you never got to meet Jake, I see so much of him in you. The similarities between the two of you always made my heart burgeon, but from the very beginning you were also your own, distinctly individual person. I hope I made you fully aware that to me you never lived in your brother’s shadow. You were the_ _bright light that emanated from the hole he left instead.  
  
Keep that appetite for life and fun (and food) always intact. Teach them how to live without me the same way you taught me how to feel alive after we lost Jake.  
  
I love you sweet boy.  
  
Momma."_  
  
Aden slouches in his chair and blankly stares at the ceiling while dutifully contemplating every word he just read. After a long moment, the thirty four year old closes his eyes and inhales deeply before holding his breath.  
  
Aden tunes out the world.  
  
Aden takes a moment to revisit all the milestones Lexa was present for. Memories flood his brain and he is overwhelmed by snapshots of the time spent with his mother. Remembering each soothing and encouraging word Lexa ever had to offer when she was still with him gives Aden the boost he needs now.  
  
Aden carefully folds the letter and places it back in the envelope along with the picture before sliding the drawer shut and heading for the door. The instant he steps out from the office into the kitchen his voice booms across the space.  
  
_"Service starts in an hour and I hope you're all ready because I'm not allowing any more mistakes tonight. Everyone is out of strikes. You fuck up, you're out. Understood?"  
  
"Yes chef!"_  
  
His employee’s voices echo back at him as Aden reaches for one of the discarded kitchen towels that rested on the counter and uses it to opens the piping hot oven. Aden pulls out the ossobuco, pokes it to test for consistency, stares at it before muttering a string of curse words to himself. Aden turns to look at the clock. It’s less than an hour before the doors open and one of his signature entrees was somehow overcooked.

_“How do we fix it?”_

Aden feels Jaime’s hands gently moving up and down his back in a soothing manner.

_“We start over.”_

For a second Jaime thought Aden was joking, but when he turns to look at her the conviction in his eyes makes her acutely aware that her husband is serious.

_“Aden, your recipe takes four hours.”_

Aden shrugs and lifts his eyebrows in the most casual manner as he reaches out to caress his daughter’s head.

_“We have fifty six minutes. Yes?”_

_“Yes chef.”_

Aden wasn’t about to let veal ruin the biggest moment of his life. Not on the first of Lexa’s birthdays they spend without her and not when tonight was supposed to be his grand display of love for his mother. With Lexa’s words still echoing in his mind, the young cook sets out to make the impossible possible…and he does.

* * *

** November 1, 2063 **

Roa sits on the floor amidst a sea of half packed and unpacked boxes holding the envelope with her name dutifully written on it. Today has been an eerie day. It was exactly twenty four years ago today that her and Justin kissed for the first time at a college party. Eighteen years ago today Justin recruited her entire family to be a part of his wedding proposal and she became someone’s fiance. On this day sixteen years ago they were married in a dream ceremony at his grandparents' Colorado ranch. A month ago today Roa finally convinced Justin to sign their divorce papers making the end of their marriage official. This morning – on the same day as her relationship, engagement, and wedding anniversary – Roa moved into her first apartment as a single mother of three. The only thing the forty two year old is thankful to celebrate on this date moving forward is that today is also the day she is living with her best friend again.  
  
Roa and Justin’s divorce was practically unavoidable after Lexa’s death. While Lexa was unconscious it became clear to Roa that, whether Lexa made it or not, New York is where she needed to be. Once she brought up how she felt to Justin he made up excuse on top of flimsy excuse to fight against a relocation. After years of what seemed like positive discussions about a possible move, the sudden change in attitude caught Roa off guard and made an already dicey situation worse.

Lexa’s birthday trip had caused a lot of friction between the couple and Justin attributed it to what he labeled as a _"co-dependent relationship"_ between Roa and her family, one that Justin claimed was also starting to develop between Alex and August. Justin's words – or at least how he chose to deliver them – didn’t sit well with Roa and the conversation devolved into a full blown screaming match. Plenty of accusations and hurtful statements were thrown back and forth, but each of Justin's attacks seemed to have a very clear common thread: Roa's family. It became evident that over the years Justin had amassed a lot of feelings he'd been withholding about that particular topic and now that they were done festering, it was all suddenly bubbling to the surface.  
  
Roa and Justin had been coasting along for a few years by that point. They weren't unhappy, but they’d also be foolish to not notice that things weren’t as they once used to be. This particular argument morphed into their breaking point and by the end of it Roa suggested they end the marriage. For days Justin thought Roa would eventually retract her statement, but she didn't. Roa had made up her mind. If someone had such a fundamental misunderstanding of her relationship with her family she couldn't see herself continuing to share a life with them.  
  
For months after that, Justin made Roa’s life as difficult as he legally could. He refused to go to arbitration, sign any documents, or even consider putting a relocation clause in the divorce that would allow Roa to move to New York with the kids. That is until one day it all unexpectedly changed. One morning Justin showed up at the house and informed Roa he was agreeing to all of her terms including the move and signed the documents without much of a fuss. A few hours later Costia showed up at Roa’s door for a “surprise” visit. Costia claims she had only gone to Chicago to spend time with her sister but now that her issues with Justin were all magically taken care of, Costia offered to help her pack up the house instead. Roa has the sneaking suspicion that the events of that day were not a coincidence but neither her sister nor her soon to be ex husband are admitting anything. Roa has no way of knowing exactly what unfolded between those two, if anything at all, but she is also not allowing herself to get caught up in the “hows” and “whys” of the situation. All Roa desired was to be in New York with her family and it happened. For now, that feels like enough.

Without anything holding them back from the move, Costia helped box up all that Roa wanted to take with her and within days they were on the road driving to New York. Roa, Alex, Xander, and AJ moved in with Clarke while they sorted their living arrangements out. After a couple solid weeks of searching, Roa believed she had found the perfect apartment for them. Roa was certain nothing would be a better fit, at least until one of the rental units opened up a few floors down in Clarke's building. Roa wasn't sure what compelled her to look into it because she knew it would be outside her price range, but she did anyway and the place was too idyllic and convenient to pass up.  
  
The decision to dissolve the marriage was predictably hardest on Roa and Alex. They were at incredibly vulnerable points in their lives and both desperately needed their support systems as close as possible. When the wild idea crossed her mind, Roa initially thought she was crazy but it **_could_** work. She definitely wouldn't be able to afford this place on her own but if Costia and August moved in with them then maybe they could swing it. It took approximately three seconds for Costia and August to jump on board with the idea. This is how Costia and Roa found themselves rejiggering their lives back into the same familiar building they’ve spent the majority of their years in. The new arrangements were not only comforting for obvious reasons but also because it meant they could be as close to Clarke as possible while still maintaining some semblance of independence.  
  
The entire family had showed up to help with the move. Unsurprisingly, Anya arrived with a game plan and marching orders for everyone. Anya had split them up into three teams: The first team – Roa, Alex, Xander, and Anya – was in charge of getting all of Roa’s stuff out of storage. The second group – Costia, August, Jaime, and Aden – were the ones responsible for packing up Costia’s apartment. The third team – Clarke, Giaco, AJ, and Alessa – had the very important task of being adorable and staying out of everyone else’s way. Divide and conquer did wonders for them today and they managed to get it all done in just around fourteen hours.

Once the group finished unpacking all the bulkier things, the kids insisted they were tired, starving, and _done_ for the day. No one would be volunteering to cook after all the lifting they had done, so dinner at a restaurant it was. While the rest of the family went out to eat, Roa decided she would stay behind. She claimed she was tired, which she was, but she also had ulterior motives. Roa needed to be alone to do the one thing she’s been itching to do for months now.  
  
This wasn't what Lexa wanted. Roa wasn't happy or sitting in some paradisiacal place sipping on an exotic cocktail. Roa was instead on her way to being a divorcee, sitting on the dusty floor surrounded by sky high piles of boxes, wearing grease stained sweatpants, and depressed. This is exactly why right now...today...she needed her mother's words more than anything else in the world. While deeply apologetic for not following the instructions she was left with Roa went ahead and opened the envelope anyway.  
  
The first thing Roa sees when she looks inside is the photo Lexa told them would be there. Roa dips her hand in sinde and holds the print flat on her right palm. Her face immediately lights up when she sees the picture because she gleefully remembers this moment. Roa was a high school junior and the entire family had flown down to Georgia to watch her swim in the US High School Nationals. Roa had just finished the 200 Yard Freestyle in less than a minute and thirty seconds. Her timing not only comfortably landed her first place in the category but also became the third best time in the history of the competition. This was the competition that would put Roa in every college scout's list and everyone in the room knew it. The moment Roa surfaced and saw her time she all but leaped out of from the pool and ran to the stands. Roa ran to Lexa.  
  
Swimming was special for Roa and Lexa because they had both started taking lessons at the same time. Given Lexa's background and childhood it's no surprise that she never learned how to swim. Lexa managed to put off the need to learn for three children but when it was Roa's time to learn how to swim Clarke practically forced Lexa into taking lessons too. Clarke and the three eldest children could all swim and Clarke was fed up with Lexa sitting at the edge of the pool or on the beach with a book instead of joining them in the water so this time she didn't take "No" for an answer. Clarke found a YMCA instructor who would be willing to double up and teach a four year old and a thirty six year old how to swim for a few hours each weekend.  
  
Roa and Lexa had simultaneous starts in the water but each came out with very different outcomes. Roa became an award winning swimmer and Lexa didn't. The water intimidated Lexa and even after she could "swim" - meaning being able to paddle and staying afloat without sinking to the bottom - she would never go past shoulder depth. While Lexa maintained her distance from the water whenever possible, Roa thrived in it and that filled Lexa with awe. As with all her other children, Lexa became Roa's biggest supporter. Lexa attended every swim meet, read up and became intimately familiar with all the swimming rules and regulations, and screamed louder than every other parent when it was her child’s turn in the pool. Roa stopped loving competitive swimming years before she quit, but she saw how Lexa lit up every time she swam so Roa stuck with it. Roa swam because it made Lexa beam the way she was in the photo she was holding.  
  
The image was captured by one of the official photographers at the event. In the still Lexa has her arms stretched out, with her mouth agape mid scream as Roa runs towards her just as elated. This was Lexa's win just as much as Roa's and the sixteen year old couldn't think of a better person to celebrate it with.  
  
Lexa was there for every victory and every failure of Roa's life. It’s is why not having Lexa here for what Roa feels is the most extraordinary failure of all feels wretched. Roa's marriage fell apart and Lexa isn't around to dole out one of her golden nuggets of wisdom when her daughter needs it the most. It's why Roa talked herself into breaking Lexa’s rules and opened the letter here, in the messy living room of her first apartment without Justin. 

Roa went from living at home, to living in the dorms, to moving in with Justin during her junior year of college and they lived together ever since. Roa isn't sure how life works without him around but now she has to find out who she is without him while also navigating being a single mom for the first time. Every single decision that has brought Roa here is the most terrifying thing she has ever done and her mother isn't there to guide her through this new chapter of her life. Roa desperately needed Lexa which is how she ended up here.  
  
Roa unfolds the paper and just the sight of Lexa's handwriting makes the tears spill but through them she begins to read.  
  
_"Roa,  
  
You were always our heart. So loud, vibrant, and free. I'm thankful you never lost that spunk as you grew older because whenever I look at you I still see that chirpy six year old in there somewhere. Cherish and nurture her for me.  
  
For the longest time I was worried I'd ruined you. I beat myself over the idea that I'd stolen your childhood and your innocence, that my selfish antics might have suffocated your light but as time passed you proved beyond doubt how mistaken I was. You managed to come out unscathed even through the worst I could throw at you. In spite of me, you still grew up to be the wonderful woman you are today. I see you with your family now and I feel profoundly embarrassed for underestimating how strong you have always been. It was never my – or anyone else’s – place to break you because you and that beautiful, untamed heart of yours are unbreakable. _

_If the things I forced upon you during those dark years didn’t ruin you, nothing will. I’m confident of that so please don’t ever believe otherwise. You are as strong as they come and, if you allow me to be honest, you’re the one I’m least worried about because I’m certain that even after this loss you will thrive.  
  
Keep them laughing. Keep them singing. Keep them dreaming. That is my task to you baby girl. No one else could do it better.  
  
Hakuna Matata.  
  
-Momma"_

Roa is only capable of nodding and burying her damp face into her hands as she reaches the end of the letter.

They never knew how Lexa somehow had all the right words in times of need and now they never will, but this letter was proof that even in death Lexa continues to be two steps ahead everyone else. Perhaps Lexa could see what the future held for Roa and Justin before Roa ever did or maybe the contents of the letter was nothing but another cosmic coincidence to add to the endless string she seems to be having as of late, but whatever the reason may be Roa got the one thing she desperately needed today.

* * *

Hours later Roa tosses and turns in her empty bed. Learning to sleep alone every night came with a much higher learning curve than she had anticipated. Roa hadn't been single since she was eighteen which meant that aside from a day or two here and there, she had no idea what being an adult and having a bed to herself actually felt like. Roa flops onto her back for the fiftieth time in the last ten minutes and groans. After staring at the ceiling for a few dozen seconds Roa makes the spontaneous decision to throw the covers off her body and exit her room.

Roa remembers being a kid and sneaking into Costia’s room whenever she had nightmares. On their family’s worst days Costia’s bed always felt safer, warmer, and more welcoming than her own. Now that Costia is conveniently sleeping a few doors down once again Roa is willing to try and see if that is still the case.

Roa tiptoes into her sister’s bedroom and walks up right up to the edge of her bed. Costia is sound asleep, splayed out, and taking up all but a sliver of the available space on the queen size bed. Roa is quite aware that waking up Costia is one of the most dangerous things any human can do, but she’s beyond exhausted and this is the only thing she can think of that might help.

 _“Cos.”_ Roa waits for an answer. “ _Cos.”_ Nothing. _“Costia.”_

Costia half opens one of her eyes.

 _“What the_ **fuck** _?”_

_“I can’t sleep.”_

_“Well, I can.”_

_“Scoot over.”_

_“Go away.”_

_“Come on. Move.”_

Costia groans dramatically but does as she’s told. Roa sneaks under the covers and instantly feels better. Roa turns on her side with the express intent of attempting to sleep but curiosity gets the best of her.

_“Have you opened your letter yet?”_

_“Shut up and go to sleep or I’m sending you back to your own bed.”_

_“Have you?”_

The easiest way Costia can think of making Roa be quiet is to give her what she wants so she shakes her head and hums a ‘nu uh’.

_“I did. Tonight.”_

_“Shhhh.”_

_“We were so lucky.”_

Costia grunts a noncommittal answer.

 _“Ro, I_ **will** _murder you if you don’t stop talking.”_

Roa smiles and curls further into her sister’s side.

_“Night Cos.”_

Costia grunts once more.

_“Let me sleep.”_

Roa knows better than to answer again. Within minutes exhaustion gets the best of Roa and for the first time since her mother passed, she has a peaceful night of sleep.

* * *

** December 17th, 2063  
**

Forty six year old Anya sits on the four foot rock wall dangling her feet over the edge of the fortress that surrounds the Buda Castle. The sun is about to set over the Danube and Anya’s tranquility is not at all disturbed by the several guards that have come by to less than politely request she step off the wall.The guards nag because the awe inspiring castle exists on a steep hill and if anything were to happen, the fall would more than likely kill her but, frankly, Anya really doesn't care. She gets one shot at this and she needs it to be as perfect as she envisioned it. That is why she is going to sit on this wall overlooking the river, the Parliament, and the rest of Pest until the sky turns from blue to orange to black and there is no stopping her.  
  
Anya had fallen in love with Budapest decades ago during her first visit. She could be quoted as calling it _“her favorite place in the world"._ It’s because to Anya there was something about the Hungarian air. She could swear it was electric, almost magical. Anya always felt rejuvenated and at ease the moment the landing gear of the plane made contact with Hungarian soil. Because of her unexplainable connection to this city, Anya had returned time and again since that initial trip. More than twenty years later she found herself still discovering new ways to adore it. Today was a prime example of why.  
  
Anya visited places she had before, ate at little hole in the wall cafes where the management knew her by name, met with friends she had before, and fumbled on the same words she did every time she tried to speak the language yet here she was at the end of her day finding every instant of the day fresh, invigorating, and exciting. There was nothing dull and boring about Budapest. There was no place that filled Anya with more joy or sense of belonging. It's why when Lexa asked she open this letter somewhere that made her happy, Anya knew this is where she needed to be.  
  
It's been almost six months since Lexa passed. Five months of sadness, of emptiness, and of finding out who she is as a woman without a piece of her she never fathomed having to live without. Growing up, somewhere in the back of your mind, you understand that the natural order of things is that parents go first. That children bury their parents and that life is supposed to move on because that is just how things work. It makes sense on paper. Having to live it is a whole different situation.

Lexa was an intrinsic part of Anya, one that ran deeper than even Anya could have ever admitted. Her mother’s death wasn't entirely unexpected but it certainly happened sooner than any of them anticipated and when it did Anya's universe suddenly had deep, seemingly irreparable cracks. For a while Anya was scared it would crumble around her. She had to keep how fragile her emotional state was a secret because there were people around her who were taking the loss much harder. She had to be strong. Anya needed to take care of Clarke and her siblings. It's the responsibility she had willingly put on herself years ago and one she wasn't about to give up now.  
  
It's been five months and Anya was finally starting to duct tape shut the cracks Lexa left behind. It was happening slowly, but she was getting there. As much progress as she was making, Anya knew there was something she still needed to do in order to start to fully heal and that's what she was in Budapest for. Truth be told, it's not exactly what Anya imagined her next trip to Budapest would entail but she was happy she was here.  
  
Three years ago Anya and Lizzie were having serious marriage conversations. They had been together for ten years at that point and it felt like the next logical step for their relationship. During her initial visit to Hungary many years prior, Anya woke up next to a beautiful Hungarian man her first morning there. As they scarfed down breakfast, she joked that if she was ever to propose to someone it would happen in Budapest. What should’ve been nothing more than a throwaway comment induced by her post drug-filled rager, hangover, and orgasm haze actually stuck with Anya and it became something of a life goal.

Three years ago Anya had every intention of fulfilling that life goal. Today a very single Anya sits on the same spot where she had planned on proposing and holds a letter from her dead mother instead of an engagement ring box. Life had a fucked up sense of humor sometimes.  
  
When the firmament transforms from orange to fuschia and the moon peeks from behind the building as it commences its slow ascension to the center of the horizon, Anya tears through the back of the envelope and the photo is the first thing she sees. She doesn't even have to remove it from where it sits to know exactly what photo it is.  
  
Clarke and Lexa had decided they were using Fourth Of July 2032 as the perfect excuse for much needed time away from the city. They packed up the kids into the car and after a five hour drive upstate they pulled up into the driveway of the gorgeous cabin they had rented right at the edge of Saranac Lake. Fifteen year old Anya insisted that the town was small enough and that there were plenty of underutilized roads to turn this into the perfect opportunity for driving lessons.

Lexa wasn't the most experienced driver because living in New York City for all of her adult life afforded her the luxury of having to avoid being behind the wheel for the vast majority of the year, but she still knew how to drive. Her older sister made sure of it. _"You never know when you'll need a car to get away from an ax murderer"_ Anya had joked the entire time she taught fifteen year old Lexa how to steer her beat up pick up truck. Now here Lexa was, trying to teach her daughter how to maneuver the killing metal box.   
  
After their initial bout of resistance, Clarke and Lexa eventually gave into the idea and agreed to allow Anya to drive in some of the more secluded back roads. Lexa was nothing short of terrified of how any of this would go but, leave it to her, to also make the entire experience tailored specifically for her daughter and her needs. Lexa understood that in most circumstances numbers were an abstract, ungraspable concept for Anya **_and_** Lexa also didn’t feel at all comfortable with either of her teenagers behind the wheel which is why she came up with what she thought was a brilliant idea that would solve both of her problems. Before they were set to go out on their first drive, Lexa taped over everything in the speedometer over sixty five miles per hour with a bit of paper that simply said “NO!”. That was Lexa, always finding creative ways to both be an overbearing parent and make Anya's dyscalculic life easier. Anya shouldn't have expected driving to be the exception to either yet somehow when she got in the car she was still got a good chuckle out of her mother inventiveness.

Clarke and Raven had been the ones to teach Costia how to drive. That meant this lesson was Lexa's first time in a car with an inexperienced human behind the wheel and the number of scenarios playing out in her head that ended with the car upside down and engulfed in flames made Lexa very, very, **_very_** uncomfortable. The look of sheer panic that was plastered on Lexa’s face – the one that Clarke managed to capture for posterity through the open window as she snapped pictures of the milestone with her phone moments before Anya hit the gas and drove her and Lexa away – made that pretty evident.  
  
Anya wipes the tears that escape her eyes with the back of her hand before they have a chance to roll off her face and onto the envelope. She dries her hands on her parka and reaches into the envelope to pull out the letter. Anya takes a deep, stabilizing breath and unfolds the pages.  
  
_"Nana,  
  
My wise, selfless Anya. There must be some power in that name because it can't be serendipity that you and your aunt were both two of the strongest women I met.  
  
Having you with us these past few months has been a blessing but also an awful weight on my shoulders. See, you've tried to convince us that it was over with Elizabeth but we both know that's not true. You’ve never been good at lying, kid. It didn’t get better with age because your eyes give you away. They always did. _

_Knowing you are home is comforting when my mind gets hazy but I never wanted you to have to sacrifice and give up more of your life or your time for me. It feels like I'm being selfish in the same way I was all those years ago except this time I can't do anything to stop it.  
  
If you're reading this that means I'm gone and now that I am, I'm setting you free from that ridiculous sense of responsibility you have towards me and everyone else. I want to request one thing of you - demand it actually - and I want you to read it carefully:  
  
BE SELFISH!  
  
Do things for you and no one else. Make yourself happy above all. You have earned that. I want that for you. I'm asking that of you. Do it for me, but also screw that and do it for yourself.  
  
What would make YOU happy? Right now? Right this moment?  
  
Got an answer?  
  
Then put the paper down and do it. Don't hold back. Be selfish for a change. Be happy. Be free.  
  
I love you. Much much much more than to the moon and back. I don't think infinity would even do it justice.  
  
-Momma"  
_  
Anya openly weeps for close to half an hour as other tourists walk by. By the time her tears run out, it feels like an anvil has been lifted off her chest. She feels lighter, unchained. Anya loves her family but for the first time in her entire life she doesn't feel bound to them. Lexa told her to put herself above everyone else and if her mother grants her permission, then it must be okay to do so.  
  
Anya snickers out loud. She enjoys this feeling, this newfound freedom. It's liberating. The liberties apparently come hand in hand with bravery because before she knows it, Anya is digging into her pack, pulling out her cellphone, scrolling through her contacts, and bringing it to her ear as she waits for it to ring.  
  
If it's around seven in the evening here then it must be close to one in the afternoon in New York. The call won't seem too out of place.  
  
_"Hey?"_  
  
The voice on the other end sounds hesitant but curious.  
  
_"Hey."_ Neither of them says anything. _"Are you busy?"_  
  
_"I...I'm...it's...no."_ The woman finally lands on an answer and Anya chuckles at the fumbling because she knows exactly what face Lizzie is making even from the other side of the world. _"An, are you okay?"_  
  
_"I'm in Budapest. I'm sitting on the wall of the castle looking out at the city. I'm freezing what little ass I have off."  
  
"You should go inside. You're going to get sick."_  
  
Without a second of hesitation Anya retorts.  
  
_"You should be here with me."  
  
"An...let's not do this."_ The line goes dead until the voice on the other end returns, much softer and insecure. _"It's not good for either of us."_  
  
Lexa's words scream inside Anya's head. 'Be selfish!'. Anya can hear her mother utter them clearly in her distinct voice. It's all the encouragement she needed for the words to leave her mouth  
  
_"Marry me."_  
  
The woman on the other end chokes on something, maybe nothing, perhaps just air. She begins to cough.  
  
_"I..."_ Cough. _"Wh..."_ Cough. _“What?!"_  
  
_"Marry me. Get on a plane right now. Come meet me and be my wife."_  
  
The line goes silent but Anya can practically hear Lizzie thinking on the other end.  
  
_"Marry me."_

* * *

** August 19th, 2064  
**

Costia and August stand across from Agnes's grave. Costia lays down the bouquet of fresh flowers and gives the headstone and gentle pat.  
  
_"I'm confused. You said you knew her but she died way before you were born. How could you have known her?"_  
  
Costia kisses the side of her daughter's head.  
  
_"It's complicated."  
  
"Are you going to tell me you're a psychic now?"_  
  
August looks at Costia confused and Costia can't help but laugh at the bratty tone of her teenager's voice.  
  
_"Not a psychic. I have to go do something. Talk to her, she's a surprisingly good listener."_  
  
Costia begins to walk away.  
  
_"Mom, why are you being such a weirdo? This is fucking creepy."_  
  
Costia doesn't turn as she replies to her daughter.  
  
_"You need to watch your mouth. Just talk to her August. It helps. Trust me."_  
  
August looks at the gravestone and folds her arms over her chest in the exact same way her mother does when upset or annoyed.  
  
_"Not happening."_  
  
Moments later Costia reaches a different grave and hovers over it. Costia exhales.  
  
_"Well, this is way more fucking awkward than I thought it would be."_  
  
Costia pauses not knowing what to say.  
  
_"I have your name. I figured it was about time we officially met."_  
  
Costia looks at her name staring back at her from the tombstone and shakes her head. She digs into her jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope.  
  
_"Lexa asked us to open this thing at a perfect place when we were happy or some shit like that. I've thought about it a lot. I've spent hours trying to figure out where I could go that I would be happy. Do you want to hear something sad? I can't think of anywhere like that. I haven't been happy in so long. I love my daughter and I love Nana, and Ro, and Aden and mom and the kids...I do. I love them but I'm not happy even when I'm around them. I can't think of a place that could make me happy. Not unless it involved time travel."_

Costia chuckles.

 _"I’ve been putting this off. I had to go somewhere to do it and this is the only place that came to mind. Lexa seemed to always come here when she was having a shit time and I'm having a really fucking shitty time so I figured maybe I'd give the Dead Costia therapy a go because, why the fuck not?"_  
  
Costia rests her elbows on her thighs and subsequently buries her face into her hands before chuckling loudly.  
  
_"Can you believe this shit? Im talking to you of all people. Fuck."_  
  
Costia bitterly laughs in disbelief.  
  
_"You couldn't have paid me real money to believe this crap. My daughter is sitting with Agnes watching me talk to dead Costia. Talk about a fucking cycle."_  
  
Costia scoffs.  
  
_"Anyway...last happy memory. Right. I remember the last time I was happy and I mean truly fucking happy. It was the day before Jake died. My dance studio had it’s year end recital. The show itself was fine, it was nothing special, but Lexa had been really busy for a while and sometimes she missed things. I don’t think she did it intentionally, she just sometimes put meetings and work ahead of us. I get it now. I sometimes do it with August and it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It’s just…adult schedules are complicated. Point is, she had been really busy and I knew she had a lot going on so I was terrified she wasn’t going to make my show. I was almost sure she wasn’t going to be there. I was bracing for it actually because she wasn’t there when everyone was walking in. I know because I kept looking from behind the curtain. She must’ve gotten there at some point before the doors closed because when the show ended she was right there, next to mom, clapping harder and hooting louder than anyone in the room. When we all met our families she was with everyone holding some cheap supermarket bouquet of flowers. It was ridiculous but back then it meant the world. She showed up. She came, she brought flowers, and she told me I did great. My face should’ve hurt from how hard I was smiling. She left right after we talked because she had to go meet someone for work and that was the last time I saw her before it happened. I remember she was putting her coat on as she walked out the front doors. The next time I laid eyes on her she was in the ICU with all sorts of tubes and things coming out of her. Jake was dead and I thought she was going to die too. The next time I saw her I wasn’t happy anymore.”_

Costia exhales harshly and blinks her eyes rapidly trying to keep the tears from falling.

_“I loved her so much back then and I don't think she knew that. She was...she was bigger than life to me. She was everything I wanted to be. I tried but I never could and it was a little irritating how effortless it came to Jake. He didn't even have to try to be like her, he just was her. I don't know. I wish I could've told her that day. I should’ve told her she was my hero. Maybe I could’ve ran up to her before she left the theater and told her how much she meant to me. Maybe she wouldn’t have left us after Jake. Maybe if she would’ve known she would’ve stuck around. I think about that a lot. How maybe it was my fault because I didn’t tell her. That maybe I could’ve changed it if I had.”_

Costia shrugs.

_“I don’t know.”_

Costia plays with the hem of her pants for a long moment before speaking again.  
  
_"She asked us to go to a perfect place to make one last good memory but neither her nor that theater exist anymore so I guess this is as close as I'm going to get."_  
  
Costia turns to look at August and finds her reluctantly chit chatting with the tombstone. From this angle it strikes Costia how clearly she can see Agnes' grave. How could Lexa not know she was watching all those years? Did she know? Could she have known and not said anything? Costia will add this to the list of things she'll never find out about her mother.  
  
Costia doesn’t dwell on that. It does no good to. She turns around and immediately rips into the envelope, pulls out the letter, and unfolds it in a haste. Costia has every intention of ripping this band-aid fast and efficiently.  
  
_"Costia,  
  
I can feel my brain fading most days. I forget where I put things or what I went to do in a room. It's terrifying. I'm scared of what is happening to me, but more importantly I'm scared of what it means. I don't want to forget because I don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget how we were before because it's all I have left of you.  
  
I've never blamed you. Not once. Your indifference was my fault, it stemmed from my failures and I never really knew how to apologize or make up for it. Maybe I should've tried harder but I didn't want to hurt you more than I already had and instead I chose to give you space. That space turned into years and now here I am, at the end of the time I was given with you and we're nothing but strangers.  
  
You and your siblings were the best thing I ever did, but in particular you Cos. You're the one thing I'm most proud of because you saved them. Without you they would've been lost. When I proposed to your mom I told her that I would love her enough for the both of us even on the days she hated me and that's what I've done all these years with you. I've loved you enough for the both of us.  
  
Seeing you with August gives me hope that you won't make the same mistakes I did. Be good to her Costia because if you aren't, losing her will hurt you more than death itself.  
  
I know I don't need to ask for this because you will anyway, but take care of them for me. They're going to need you more than ever.  
  
My sweet, sweet Costia. Your very existence changed my life for the better. You made me a mother which is all I ever wanted in life. I loved you since the moment I knew you existed and I'll love you long after I'm gone. I hope you can someday forgive my shortcomings because I never forgave myself.  
  
Never stop singing. To yourself, to them, or to me. I'll be listening.  
  
Love,  
  
-Lexa"  
_  
Costia's wails for the first time in her life when she reads the last word on the page. She is utterly inconsolable and her body trembles from head to toe. Within seconds she feels a pair of familiar arms wrap around her.  
  
_"It's okay, mom."_  
  
Costia turns her body so she can embrace her daughter back because there is nothing she needs more than a hug right now.  
  
It takes Costia close to an hour to regain a semblance of composure back. It's not until her mother has stopped sobbing that August speaks.  
  
_"She has your name."_  
  
Costia straightens up and wipes her face before she stares at the grave her daughter was looking at.  
  
_"Technically, I have hers."  
  
"Who is she?"  
  
"Your grandma knew her. Costia was very important to her."  
  
"And that's why you're named after her?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That's cool. I can't meet the August I was named after."  
  
"No, but we can watch the movie a million times."  
  
"We have watched it a million times."_  
  
August chuckles.  
  
_"It's a good movie."  
  
"It is."_  
  
August rests her head on Costia's shoulder.  
  
_"She loved you a lot."_  
  
August declared without an ounce of doubt in her voice after a few moments of silence.  
  
_"Who?"  
  
"Grandma. At the end, when she was really sick and she didn't remember much she would still tell stories about her daughter Costia all the time. They would always make her laugh."  
  
"They did?"  
  
"Yeah."_  
  
_"Good."_ Costia wipes the tears that begin to fall from her eyes. _"Good."_

* * *

** August 13, 2063  
**

Clarke knocks on the door twice and steps back, nervously waiting for it to be opened. It's not long before it's swung wide and the woman on the other end smiles warmly at her. The woman seems nice and welcoming but, somehow, underneath the politeness Clarke can sense the pity. The looks of pity are what have been driving her crazy these past few weeks.  
  
_"Clarke?"_ Clarke nods in silence. _"It's great to meet you."_  
  
The poised African American woman in her late thirties or early forties greets Clarke cordially.  
  
_"Thank you so much for allowing me to do this. I know it must have been the strangest request to get, but I figured it was worth a shot."  
  
"I do have to admit, it was strange but the story you told was amazing. It also helped that I could verify who you were with a quick internet search."_ The woman chuckles and tilts her head. _"Come on in."  
  
"I won't take much of your time. I promise."  
  
"No rush. Take as long as you need. Can I offer you anything? Water? Tea? Something stronger?"  
_  
They both laugh jovially.  
  
_"I'm okay, thank you. I think I'll just go back there so I can get out of your hair."  
  
"No problem. Follow me."  
_  
Clarke looks around the space noting how much it has changed in the fifty plus years since she was here last. The woman slides the glass door and extends her arm leading Clarke to the backyard.  
  
_"I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready."  
  
"Thank you so much."_  
  
Looking out into the small yard surrounded by brick walls, Clarke hopes the woman will understand how truly appreciative she is that her odd request was indulged. Clarke figured dropping a note in the mailbox of the people who currently lived in the apartment her and Lexa met in and asking if she could come sit in their yard to read a letter from her now dead wife was nothing short of insane but here she was, stepping out onto the grass and looking straight into the healthy patch that showed no evidence of its fiery past.  
  
This is where it all started. This roughly thirty feet by eighteen feet plot of land with five foot something brick walls separating it from the yards at either side is where this story actually began. The space now seems smaller than Clarke remembers, but she still recognizes it as the backyard where her life changed for the better. Clarke couldn't think of a better setting for her journey with Lexa to come to an end.  
  
Clarke heads for one of the cushioned chairs lined along the back wall and takes a seat. She pulls the envelope that was sticking out of her purse and stares at it. She daintily runs her fingers over Lexa's peculiar handwriting and as she traces each letter Clarke can almost hear her wife's voice saying her name in the distinct way she always would. Clarke adored the reverence she felt every time Lexa uttered her name. It had always been there, from the first time Lexa said it to the last. It's been forty one days since Lexa passed and Clarke is sure that is the one thing she misses the most. She craves for her name casually slipping out of Lexa's mouth more than anything in the world. Her life feels empty without that sound.  
  
Clarke flips the envelope and with a level of care that borders on deference, she begins to open it. Once the seal has been broken, Clarke slowly lifts the flap and slides the paper out halfway. She brings it up to her face and inhales.  
  
The second thing Clarke missed the most was Lexa's smell. It had become an intrinsic part of her life and once Lexa died Clarke became acutely aware that it was gone. The kids have found her in the closet sitting on the floor clutching Lexa's clothes more than once, but even those are beginning to lose her scent. Clarke feels no shame in attempting to get a whiff of that sweet smell even once more so she inhales again. It's faint, but Clarke can smell her. There's a piece of Lexa embedded on these pages and that is oddly comforting.  
  
Clarke places the envelope on her lap in order to take out her glasses from her bag. Once they're on her face she slips out the paper and the print fully. Clarke flips over the picture first and a smile creeps on her face.

Clarke was sitting in the birthing pool with Costia clutched tightly to her chest. A weeping Lexa kneels next to them holding Costia’s tiny foot in her hand. Costia must’ve been no more than a few minutes old when Niylah took this. Both Lexa and Clarke looked a mess. Clarke looked like she had been run over because she had been in labor for two days and Lexa because she had been stressing about Clarke being in labor for nine months. This moment was not glamorous or pretty, but Clarke knows why Lexa chose it as their favorite memory together. It makes perfect sense to Clarke.

Clarke places the photo on her lap and trades it for the pages. She slowly unfolds them revealing Lexa's handwriting.  
  
_"Clarke,  
  
How does one summarize a life and a perfect one at that? I hope that everything I had to say I said while I was still with you. I would like to think that I showed you the immensity that I felt for and because of you every day we were together.  
  
Thank you for that everlasting patience, for your love, our life, and those children. The things we did together are timeless. You gave me fifty four years and boy, were they fantastic. You remained so incredibly difficult until the very end but I wouldn't have had it any other way.  
  
I'm with him now. I'm okay. I'm at peace.  
  
Jay and I, we'll be okay but don't join us too soon. You still have so much more to give our family and the world. Stay with them, with Costia, for as long as you can. If you're reading this it means I no longer need you, but they certainly do. Costia surely will. She was never good at losing things. I wonder who she got that from? _

_I'll be waiting until whenever they're ready to be without both of us. I'll be somewhere, hanging around as patiently as you always were with me, until you feel the need to rest so don't rush to me no matter how much you want to.  
  
Yours, always.  
  
-Alexandria  
  
PS: Just in case you thought that I was going to miss out on saying it one last time, I wouldn't. I always wanted these to be my last words to you and in case it didn't go as planned here they are:  
  
I love you, Griffin."  
_  
Tears fall freely down Clarke's face as she carefully folds the letter up and looks down at the strip of grass that sent them on an escapade that lasted more than half a century.  
  
_"I love you, Woods."_

* * *

** October 12, 2064  
**

Costia fixes the strap of the guitar case she lugs with the free hand not currently holding the bouquet of flowers as she walks up the small hill leading up to the familiar spot in the cemetery. She comes to a stop in front of two contiguous headstones.  
  
_"Hey Jake. Hi Lexa."_  
  
Costia lifts the strap over her head removing the weight of the guitar from her and resting it against her hip. Costia bends down and places the bouquet of flowers between the two headstones.  
  
_"It's getting colder, yeah?"_  
  
Costia looks at the graves as if waiting for them to respond.  
  
_"You guys wouldn't know. You're dead. That was dumb."_  
  
Costia awkwardly laughs at herself. She unzips the guitar out from it's case, sighs, and plops down on the grass placing the guitar comfortably on her lap. She sits in silence for close to five minutes, her mind racing yet blank at the same time.  
  
Costia strums the guitar to check its tuning.  
  
_"I'm trying to get better at talking to people, I still haven't quite figured it out though. Saying what you feel is...scary but for me it somehow feels safer if I'm doing it from behind an instrument. It's a crutch, I get it. Nana called me out on it because of course she did..."_ Costia laughs remembering the conversation they'd had and Anya's serious tone. _"...and I'm working on getting better at…well, everything…but I'm not great yet so you'll just have to be patient with me. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk to you without this..."_ Costia lifts up the guitar from her lap. _"...just not there yet."_  
  
_"You asked me to never stop singing because you would listen so...here I am. I hope you meant that."_ Costia inhales deeply and sighs. _"I don't know if you could hear me - I'm hoping you did - but, remember that song I was writing when you were in bed. I was stuck. I finished it last night. It was the first song I wrote by myself since you...yeah. Then I wrote another one and then another one and then three more. I haven't slept."_ Costia chuckles. _"I'm fucking tired. I wanted to come out and play for you though. You promised you'd listen. I'm holding you to that."_  
  
Costia's fingers begin to play the enchanting and melodic notes of the song.  
  
_"Things were all good yesterday  
And then the devil took your memory  
And if you fell to your death today  
I hope that heaven is your resting place  
I heard the doctors put your chest in pain  
But then that could have been the medicine  
And now you're lying in the bed again  
Either way I'll cry with the rest of them  
  
My mother told me, love  
It's not his fault she doesn't know your face  
You're not the only one_  
_Although my grandma used to say  
You used to sing  
  
Darlin' hold me in your arms  
The way you did last night  
And we'll lie inside  
For a little while here oh  
  
I could look into your eyes  
Until the sun comes up  
And we're wrapped in light and life and love  
Put your open lips on mine  
And slowly let them shut  
For they're designed to be together oh  
With your body next to mine  
Our hearts will beat as one  
And we set alight  
We're afire love  
  
Love, love  
  
Things were all good yesterday  
Then the devil took your breath away  
Now we're left here in the pain  
Black suit black tie standing in the rain  
And now my family is one again  
Stapled together with the strangers and a friend  
Came to my mind I should paint it with a pen  
Six years old I remember when  
  
My mother told me, love  
It's not his fault she doesn't know your face  
You're not the only one  
Although my grandma used to say  
You used to sing  
  
Darlin' hold me in your arms  
The way you did last night  
And we'll lie inside  
For a little while here oh  
  
I could look into your eyes  
Until the sun comes up  
And we're wrapped in light and life and love  
Put your open lips on mine  
And slowly let them shut  
For they're designed to be together oh  
With your body next to mine  
Our hearts will beat as one  
And we're set alight  
We're afire love  
  
Love, love  
  
See the love, the love, the love, the love  
  
My mother and all of my family  
Rise from their seats to sing hallelujah  
And my mother and all of my family  
Rise from their seats to say hallelujah  
And my brother and all of my family  
Rise from their seats to sing hallelujah  
(To my brother and my sisters, yeah, ah)  
My mother and all of my family  
Rise from their seats to sing  
Hallelujah  
  
To the love, the love, the love, the love"  
_  
Costia stares off into the distance for a significantly extensive beat before speaking again.  
  
_"Your funeral was hard. I thought Jake's funeral was rough, but...”_

Costia exhales loudly because she doesn’t think she has the right words to finish that sentence.

_“I was convinced mom was going to break apart any second. I really did. I didn't think she was going to make it. I can't remember ever seeing Aden cry except when he was little and he was a fucking mess that day. August...she...it was hard seeing her that upset and not being able to do anything about it. As a mom all I wanted to do was make her better and I couldn't. I couldn't. I still hear her crying in her room sometimes. She misses you a lot."_

Costia pauses.

 _"Thank you. I don't think I ever said it, but thank you. For years I couldn't figure out who she was taking after when it came to how soft she is inside but now I realized it was you. Whatever she is today is thanks to you and mom, not me. So thank you for that. I wish you could've heard me say that."_  
  
As she finishes her sentence, Costia begins to play a second melody, one much slower this time.  
  
_"I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill  
I threw the day-old tea from the cup  
Packed up the photo album Nana had made  
Memories of a life that's been loved  
  
Took the ‘Get Well Soon’ cards and stuffed animals  
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink  
You always told me, ‘Don't you cry when you're down.’  
But, mom, there's a tear every time that I blink  
  
Oh, I'm in pieces  
It's tearing me up but I know  
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved  
  
So, I'll sing Hallelujah,  
You were an angel in the shape of my mom  
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up  
Spread your wings as you go  
And when God takes you back  
He'll say, ‘Hallelujah, you're home.’  
  
I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up  
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case  
Ro said she'd drive, then put her hand on my cheek  
And wiped a tear from the side of my face  
  
And I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know  
A life with love is a life that's been lived  
  
So, I'll sing Hallelujah,  
You were an angel in the shape of my mom  
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up  
Spread your wings as you go, when God takes you back  
He'll say, ‘Hallelujah, you're home.’  
  
Hallelujah,  
You were an angel in the shape of my mum  
You got to see the person I have become  
Spread your wings and I know  
That when God took you back, he said, ‘Hallelujah, you're home.’"  
_  
Costia rests her forehead on her guitar and tears pour out of her. She stays like that for close to half an hour.  
  
_"Well, that was fucking embarrassing."_ Costia jokes as she wipes her face. _"Good thing neither of you can snitch."  
_  
Costia moves to stand and once she's on her feet she puts the guitar back in its case. Once it's safely inside she turns back to the headstones.  
  
_"I'm running late now, but I'll be back soon mom."_  
  
That last word casually slipping from her mouth stuns Costia but instead of letting it throw her off, she just shakes her head before hastily dropping the strap over her shoulder and speedwalking away as she hurries towards the entrance.  
  
_"Bye Jake!"_  
  
Costia half screams over her shoulder when she realizes she didn't say goodbye to her brother.

* * *

_"Where is she?"_  
  
Anya asks her brother and sister impatiently.  
  
_"She'll be here. She wouldn't miss it."_  
  
Roa reassures a much less convinced Anya. Anya’s eyes are glued to the door, silently pleading that the next person walking in will be her sister.  
  
_"Call her."_  
  
Anya urges her younger sister.  
  
_"I already tried that. All five times you've asked before. She'll be here."  
  
"What if she doesn't come?"  
  
"I don't think she's going to love being here or looking at the photos but she's also not going to miss your show on mom's birthday. Cos wouldn't do that."  
  
"I'm sure there's a reason she's not here yet."_  
  
Aden jumps to his sister’s defense. Almost as if on cue, Costia almost stumbles through the double doors with the guitar case still strapped on her back. She tries to control her panting as she scans the room trying to find familiar faces.  
  
_"She's here."_  
  
Anya inhales with relief.  
  
_"Sorry. Work."_  
  
It's all Costia manages to get out as she walks up to them while still trying to catch her breath. It was a lie, they all knew it, but no one said anything.  
  
_"Good, I couldn't push it back any longer. I’ll go tell them we’re ready."_

Anya turns her back to them and disappears into the crowd. _  
  
"Where's mom?"_  
  
Costia's eyes dart up and down the room trying to find Clarke.  
  
_"Talking to one of the Times reviewers somewhere."_ Roa leans closer to Costia. _"She was trying to get him away from Nana until after the show because she is kind of freaking out. You being late wasn't helping."  
  
"Sorry. A meeting ran long."  
  
"If you're going to lie about work at least make sure they would've covered for you."_

Costia looks at her confused.

 _"Nana made me call. They said you left early."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"I'm not going to ask, but you know I'll listen if you need me to."_  
  
Costia nods while grabbing a glass of champagne from one of the trays that swooshed by her.  
  
Costia takes a swig as they watch Anya chat with Clarke’s successor at MW. Once Anya and Madi are done talking and seem to be on the same page about whatever it is they were discussing, Madi steps up to the microphone placed near the center of the room.

_“Good evening.”_

The room immediately sobers at the voice cracking through the speakers.

_“Thank you guys so much for joining us tonight. I know we’re running a little late so I’ll keep it brief. Tonight we’re hosting an extraordinary sampling from one of the most talented documentary photographers I’ve ever had the pleasure of curating. This series is personal, intimate, and devastating but also overflowing with love and devotion. I don’t just say that because I am lucky enough to call the family at the center of this series dear friends. I say it because it is the honest truth so I want to thank them for allowing this to happen. These photographs and this show aim to offer a glimpse into the human experience with love, family, illness, and death but also want to prevent the last two. We’re doing our part by hosting the event and I hope that before the night is over you have done yours. I won’t delay this any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, Anya Griffin-Woods.”_

Madi steps away from the microphone and into the sidelines with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly Anya is in the spotlight. She steps forward and lands directly in front of a twenty foot portrait of Clarke and Lexa dancing by the big living room window with a sharp splash of moonlight as the only thing illuminating them. The photo was taken early in the morning of Lexa's birthday and it was the last picture Anya snapped of her mothers together. Anya can't imagine a more perfect image to be the centerpiece of her exhibit. It said so much about who her parents were until the very end without outright attempting to say anything at all.  
  
_"I honestly have no idea how this is going to go because I tried my best to prepare what I was going to say but, I'm going to be honest, as I was walking up here just now I forgot all of it."_  

The crowd laughs.

_"I mean it. Ironic given then the theme of the series, I know."_

Anya awkwardly laughs. She looks towards the center of the room and finds just who she was looking for. Everyone is here. Clarke, Costia, Roa, Aden, Jaime, Alex, August, and her radiating wife Elizabeth were surrounded by all their extended family and friends. That view is all Anya needed to see to get her nerves under control.

_"My mother had Alzheimer's."_

Anya's eyes scan the width of the room once before speaking again.

 _"My mother had Alzheimer's and it was terrible but a gift at the same time. See, Alexandria Griffin-Woods was different than a most people with Alzheimer's. She only seemed to get funnier and more carefree as her disease progressed. It was awful for all the obvious reasons, but I decided to find the silver lining on as many things as I could. The endless repetition of stories meant that I will never forget them. The lapses in memory meant that I got to watch her discover her favorite books, movies, and songs more than once. The heavy mood swings allowed me to practice my patience, empathy, and compassion. The regression in mental capacity opened up the possibility to explore a different dynamic to our relationship, one that often reversed the roles we were familiar with. I could keep going but you get the point. Caring after my mother wasn't easy but ultimately it was rewarding because it proved to me how my mother saw the world. Alzheimer's may have stolen my mom's memories but it never took her sense of humor and her heart. She didn't always understand what was happening to her but, for the most part, she always found a way to laugh about it. She might not have known who we were all the time but I never once felt unloved when I was around her. This is the greatest testament to how deeply my mother loved. Even when she didn't know what or who she was supposed to love, she loved anyway. That is who my mom was and I hope that the series of photographs I took during the span of the last year and a half of her life gives you even the smallest hint of that. My mother was my favorite subject to photograph ever since I could hold a camera. She hated to be the center of attention but that same fact is what made her that much more interesting to shoot. She loved me enough that every time I forced her to pose for me throughout the years she never once complained even though I knew being in front of my lens made her uneasy. My mother loved me enough to put my capricious needs before her comfort. My mother loved me and my siblings with more ardor than anything else I've yet to witness so if you take away only one thing from tonight is that, yes, there is unconditional love out there. I've experienced it thanks to my mother. She was living proof that there are kinds of love that know no boundaries because her love was stronger than even the most horrible illness. We were the luckiest family for having someone adore us that categorically until the very end."  
_  
The room fills with the sound of clapping and Anya blushes.  
  
_"I hope you can write checks as well as you can clap."_  
  
Anya and the crowd laugh.  
  
_"Every single dollar we raise tonight from print sales or just outright donations is going to Alzheimer's research because I'm hoping one day in my lifetime we can find a cure to it. We owe it to people like my mother. Thank you so much for coming. While I’m up here I also want to take the time to wish my **other** extraordinary mother a very happy birthday. I know how much you miss her and I hope being able to see how powerful your relationship was to everyone around you will somehow lessen that."_  
  
Anya steps away from the spotlight filled with the impossible combination of both pride and humility. The hundreds of attendees clap and cheer for long after she has vacated the space.

* * *

Hours later, the gallery has emptied. Only the immediate family and all the pictures of Lexa remain in the space. Madi allowed them to stay behind and have a moment to celebrate the night because the event was a resolute success. By the end of the night they managed to raise just over sixty two thousand dollars for Alzheimer’s research. As soon as all the checks clear the money will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Foundation in Lexa’s name.

Once the guests were gone, the family took the time to walk around and really take in each of the images. They cheered for what they were able to do in Lexa’s name, they laughed, and they cried. Now that they’ve run the gamut of emotions that has left them both mentally and emotionally drained, they figure it’s time to go home.  
  
_"Everyone ready?"_  
  
Anya looks around the group intending to usher them out the door.  
  
_"Actually..."_ Costia turns to look at Roa. _"...you might kill me but I want to do something. Can we play it? It feels right."  
  
"Play what?"  
_  
Anya inquires curiously.  
  
_"They've been writing songs at night."_  
  
Alex interjects.  
  
_"And you two really need to fucking learn to stop snooping and sleep when you're supposed to."_ Costia admonishes her daughter and nephew. _"We...can we just play it? It's one song."  
_  
Costia looks at Roa who doesn't show any objection and then around the room.  
  
_"Of course."_  
  
Clarke tells them reassuringly. Costia frees her guitar from the case while Roa pulls up a couple of chairs. The group looks at them intently. Costia begins to strum the first few notes of the song and the room becomes still.  
  
_"Sitting here tonight, by the fire light.  
It reminds me, I already have more than I should.  
I don't need fame, no one to know my name.  
  
At the end of the day,  
Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good.  
  
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,  
and family that always calls me home.  
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,  
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.  
  
At the end of the day,  
Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good.  
  
Sometimes I'm hard on me, when dreams don't come easy.  
I wanna look back and say, I did all that I could.  
  
Yeah at the end of the day,  
Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good.  
  
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,  
and family that always calls me home.  
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,  
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.  
  
At the end of the day,  
Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good.  
At the end of the day,  
Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good."  
_  
The room is still, silent. The group doesn't need to speak because words aren't necessary to express the weight of the moment.  
  
After a long stretch of silence, and with her eyes still glued to her guitar, Costia all but mutters.  
  
_"She had a good life."_  
  
Almost instantly Clarke jumps in to correct her daughter with an audible knot on her throat.  
  
_"She had_ **the best** _life. The best. Because of you."_  
  
Clarke looks at each of her children and her tears finally fall. In seconds the group has closed around her and they hold each other tightly.  
  
This is who they were now. Still a family, but one that was missing a piece. The most important one.

* * *

Clarke sits at the edge of the bed persistently attempting to flatten the wrinkles in her hand when a soft knock interrupts her. Anya pokes her head in just as Clarke lifts her gaze. When their eyes meet both of their faces light up.  
  
_"Hey."_  
  
Anya steps inside and heads for the bed. As soon as she sits next to her mother she grabs one of her hands between both of hers. Clarke smiles at the gesture.  
  
_"You sure you don't want us to stay?"  
  
"You ask me that every night."  
  
"Because if the answer ever changes you know we would."  
  
"You guys have a perfectly good bed at home. You don't need to stay here for me. Besides, your sisters are downstairs. If I needed anything I could just call and they'd be here in a minute."  
  
"Mom, you know Lizzie and I don't mind."  
  
"I know. But I'm okay."_  
  
Anya takes a deep breath knowing it's useless to insist.

Once Anya and Lizzie got married, Clarke insisted Anya return to their old apartment so they could exist as a real married couple. More accurately, Clarke had given Anya very little choice and practically kicked her out. Since that day, Clarke has lived alone in an apartment that now feels chillingly empty when it never had before. The children all worry over what Lexa's absence is doing to Clarke. More than once they have each tried to either get Clarke to come live with one of them or convince her to let them move into the apartment with her, but all of their attempts have been in vain. Clarke insists they shouldn't give up their independence in account of her and has vehemently refused all efforts.  
  
Anya leans towards her mother and kisses her cheek before wrapping her arm around her shoulder.  
  
_"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."_  
  
_“Need me to tuck you in?”_

Clarke chuckles at the absurdity of the question.

_“No, I most definitely do not. I’m old but still perfectly capable of doing that.”_

_“I know. Don’t be grouchy. Momma was cute enough to pull off the mean thing. With you…it’s debatable.”_

The both grin at the quip and Anya takes that as her cue to leave her mother for the night. Without adding anything further, Anya stands and heads for the door. As Anya is about to exit the room Clarke speaks again.  
  
_"Your mom told Costia every day that she had to take care of you guys because she was the oldest one, but somehow you were the one who always ended up looking after us."_

Anya doubles back to the bed and sits next to Clarke once more. She locks their fingers together. _  
  
"It was never a chore."  
  
"I know."_ Clarke looks at their intertwined hands and pats them a couple of times with her left hand. _"I'm glad they'll have you to keep taking care of them."  
  
"Mom..."  
_  
Anya's response was loaded. Clarke was in perfect health but lately she'd started marking small comments that gnawed little by little at her children’s brains. They'd be foolish to not grasp that Clarke was starting to make peace with saying goodbye to them. Clarke's eyes were starting to give away how much Lexa's absence was weighing her down. The eyes that were once bright blue were now closer to gray and were progressively becoming duller. It was as if an ounce of their light was snuffed every passing day and, if they were being truly honest with themselves, they didn't know how much more Clarke had in her. They knew she has clung on this long just for their sake, but now that their lives seem to be settling into what they were supposed to be, Clarke didn't feel the need to stay anymore.  
  
_"I'm tired."  
  
"It was a long day."  
  
"Yeah."_  
  
Both Anya and Clarke knew quite well that wasn't all what the older woman meant but it was easier to skirt around it.  
  
_"Let's get you in bed. A good night’s sleep and you'll be good to go."_  
  
Anya helps Clarke get under the covers and once her mother is comfortable she reaches for the light switch on the bedside lamp. Before she clicks it, Anya asks one final question.  
  
_"See you soon?"_  
  
Clarke nods firmly.

 _“See you soon.”_  
  
Every night the question was asked and every time it felt like the petition of a promise. It was an unspoken _"please don't leave us yet"._ It was the same promise a young girl requested of her mother that one time years ago when she was being loaded into the back of an ambulance barely hanging on to life.  
  
Eventually there came the night when Clarke decided it was finally okay to break that unspoken vow. Clarke waited until she knew her family could deal with another monumental loss. She needed to be certain that they could wake up every day and face the world without her. Once she was sure that was the case, Clarke was finally able to let go.

* * *

Clarke Griffin-Woods passed away peacefully and in her sleep on November 3rd, 2067. She gave her children, grandchildren, and the art world an additional four years, three months, and twenty eight days of dazzling brilliance after her soulmate passed away.  
  
Thirty nine years after her heart was irreparably broken, Clarke saw her boy smile once again and she finally knew what peace meant.

* * *

** December 25th, 2067  
**

Costia, Anya, Roa, and Aden shiver as they hover over the snow covered row of three graves. They lost Clarke less than two months ago. It was their first Christmas without either of their parents around and this felt like the only appropriate place to start their day.  
  
_"Merry Christmas."_  
  
Aden is the first one to speak.  
  
_"We fucking miss you but we're okay. At least I think we'll be."_  
  
Anya and Roa instinctively lean into Costia before she's even done speaking and Aden follows suit resting his head against Anya's head. Within seconds they're all forming a chain as they stare at the undeniable proof that each of their hearts is missing three major chunks.  
  
Anya turns and kisses the side of Costia's head and pulls both her and Aden tighter.  
  
_"We will."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone have a tally of how many times they cried? Lol. Lexa's letter to Costia made me cry every single time I had to read it.
> 
> PS: Bonus points if you can figure out where August's name came from. I've talked about it in the blog. 
> 
> If you made it this far you MUST scream at me in the comments. I have to know your thoughts. Good or bad. Share them on here. Comment section is right below!!!
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	33. June 9th, 2028

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that you waited over four months for an update last time and I dropped a 62k monster so learning that this one is only 16k might be disappointing BUT not every chapter can be Chapter 32 lol. Hope you enjoy this and see the importance of the chapter in the big picture. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Okay, while I have your attention I'm going to do something that I already hate myself for but it is important and I figured posting here might be worth a shot. All of my followers on Tumblr definitely know this, but for those who don't: My name is Kryzz and I am an Afro-Latina writer/director living in Los Angeles. Earlier this year I got accepted into a very prestigious director's program created by the Director's Guild Of America (DGA) and the Association of Independent Commercial Producers (AICP). We received a grant to produce a project within the scope of the program but the grant is not enough to cover all the production costs and I need help raising the rest of the funds. I created a Gofundme to raise some cash for my project. On there you can get detailed information about the program, what the project is about (it's about Dreamers/DACA/immigrants because I am an immigrant myself), the costs, my past work + credentials, etc. 
> 
> If you love the work I've done with this story then PLEASE take a minute to check my campaign. If everyone who reads this dropped a dollar on there I would hit my very modest goal of $3,000 in a day. I will keep posting this work for free since I write because I love to so don't be scared that I'll move this story (or any of my future work) behind a paywall or feel pressured to donate if you can't BUT if you can, I would appreciate it more than you will ever know. Here is the link: https://www.gofundme.com/kg-cddp
> 
> Trust me, I didn't want to have to do this. I created this campaign three days ago and have been battling with the idea of whether I should even make one or not for weeks now but I'm swallowing my pride and asking for help because sometimes we need to do just that.
> 
> You can find a post detailing the importance of this program and how big it is for the career of up-and-coming writer/directors of color and particularly WOC here: http://geryonwoods.tumblr.com/post/172733562010/okay-but-if-everyone-can-pull-money-into-their
> 
> I would hope the wild ride we've been on during the past year would make you at least give the campaign a read and consider helping a fellow gay out. My dream is to ultimately turn this story into a show or a film of some sorts and these are the kind of opportunities that could put me well on my way to being a queer content creator of color making stories that matter to us and that have the representation we need.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

** June 9th, 2028  
**

Friday lunch rush at the most legendary Italian deli in Staten Island could be compared to Times Square during New Year’s Eve. It was unbridled madness and only the most courageous would dare to brave it. Nick assumes the amount of people is probably why they picked this place. It would’ve been hard to set up a sting at this location and there were too many people to easily stand out. This setting was as close as a public safe house for the Luccheses as they came and because of that Nick felt very much like a sitting duck.  
  
Nick surreptitiously eyes the patrons sitting at the tables around him trying to figure out who his contact is, if they're even here yet. He’s only spoken to one of them but he knew whoever was coming in today was different than his initial contact. Nick makes mental notes of every face, distinguishing mark, and does his best to memorize vague descriptions of everyone around him. He’s interviewed enough witnesses in his life to know that having a description of who tried to kill at the very least puts you above “absolute moron” in the eyes of the police. He is focused on the mental descriptions of the three men on the far right table of the restaurant when suddenly a body blocks his view. Nick follows the torso up to the face making a not-so-subtle pause at the pair of breasts he finds along the way. Nick would tell himself he was only looking at her nametag to know how to properly address her, but anyone with eyes would know better. In response to his brazen ways the exhausted looking waitress named Aurora slams the cup of cherry cola she was holding on his table.  
  
_"Hey. No I didn't order anything."_  
  
Nick's voice sounds nothing but jittery while actively trying to quickly get rid of the utterly bored woman. The last thing he wants is to spook whoever was coming to talk to him and because of that he had no intention of making it seem like he is friendly with anyone in this room.  
  
_"Show me your chest."_ Nick looks at Aurora as confused as she looks disinterested. _"Open your shirt. He needs to know you're not wired or he won't show."  
  
"You want me to...take my fucking shirt off?"  
  
"Open up a few buttons and show me."_  
  
Nick grumbles and shakes his head but almost immediately relents and he loosens his tie then undoes a few of the top buttons while Aurora makes herself seemingly busy haphazardly wiping down the table. Once she gets a good look at his bare chest she talks again.  
  
_"Empty your pockets. Put everything on the table. I also have to make sure you've got nothing to record with."  
  
"Fucking seriously?"  
  
"Do I look like I want to be doing this? Just do it."_  
  
Nick mumbles what seem like curse words as he buries both his hands in his pant and jacket pockets and messily empties everything he finds onto the sticky table. Once he’s done dumping about as many useless things as Felix The Cat kept in his bag of tricks, Aurora scans the items and without anything else to add she walks away.  
  
Nick begrudgingly collects all his belongings and slowly places them back to where they were mere seconds before. Once he’s finished, Nick nervously begins to fidget with his fingers. Before long, his eyes land on the cup the waitress left behind. He'd be lying if he said it didn't look tempting. His mouth is certainly parched. The cottonmouth feeling is most likely directly tied to the level of nerves he’s currently experiencing. Nick pulls the glass closer and examines it carefully. He lifts it up to eye level and turns the glass around looking at its contents. He sniffs the liquid before pulling it away from his face and eyeing it suspiciously yet again. Before he has a chance to turn the glass one more time it is ripped from his hand. Nick was about to curse whoever was attached to the hand that came perturbingly close to his face but the words evaporate from of his mouth without emitting a sound when he looks up and comes across the thickset man that hovered over him with the straw between his lips. Nick watches him slurp the entire contents of the drink within a handful of seconds.  
  
_"I wasn't trying to poison ya, ya idiot."_ The man slides into the booth across from Nick and pushes the empty cup away. _"Not yet at least. I still need ya."  
  
_ Nick's eyes scan every inch of the room except for the man across from him in an attempt not to stare at the scar that keeps unwillingly catching his eye. The man sports an unmissable scar that has very visibly deformed the right side of his face. It leaves a pronounced indentation, making his face lopsided in the kind of unnerving way that makes the hairs in the back of necks stand up.  
  
_"Look at me."_ Nick does his best to politely shake his head but doesn't add anything. The man reaches across the table and grips Nick's forearm forcefully enough that there will undoubtedly be a hand shaped bruise tomorrow. _"Look at it."_ Nick hisses and looks at the man. _"Ya probably know the story but if ya don’t, I took a nine mill to the face. Other guy was eaten by the fish in the Hudson so I'll take this over that."_ The man flicks the indentation on his face where his cheek should be. _"I'll have better aim than he did if ya're fucking us over. Count on it."_ The man releases Nick's arm and leans back on the booth. _"Ready to trade?"  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
"She needs some sense talked into her. Bitch needs to mind her own damn business."  
  
"Just talk, right?"  
  
"All I wanna do is have a conversation with her. She'll learn her place and then badaboom...done."_ The man moves his hands in a motion that would resemble what he would do if cleaning them. Nick doesn't add anything and averts the man's eyes. _"Gimme what I need."  
_  
Nick digs into his jacket pocket and slides a USB drive towards the man he recognizes as the infamous Marino Corso, one of the Lucchese’s most notorious fixers. The fact that they sent someone this high up the chain and not a random lackey makes Nick’s esophagus tighten because that meant this wasn’t some chance scare job a nobody with bravado was attempting to pull. This was coming from the very top of the organization and Nick wasn’t sure if that made the whole thing better or worse. Instead of dwelling on it, Nick promptly decides to ignore the almost asphyxiating feeling and hand over what he had promised.  
  
_"Those are the pictures of the garage I took. I marked all the blind spots my contact gave me. She doesn't normally drive to work but she always leaves through the garage because it's a shortcut to the subway. She's usually one of the last if not the last one to leave the office. The garage should be empty."  
  
"And the keycard?" _ Nick slides one of the card that gives them access to the garage.  _"Whose?"  
  
"DA Forrester."  
  
"Solid."_  
  
The smug look on Corso’s face intensifies to such degree that for a second Nick wonders if it might just get stuck that way.  
  
_"We have friends in the hospital. If this goes south yar niece goes first and then we're coming for ya. If this is a set up ya’re better off telling me now because at least I’d consider killing ya quickly if ya do."_  
  
Nick's face drains of color.  
  
_"It's not!”_ Nick’s voice is loud enough to draw a stare or two and he immediately regulates his volume. _“It's not. No one knows."  
  
"Good, because we need ya to do something else."  
  
"You said _**ONE** _thing and I was done. Those pictures and the card and I'd get the money. That was it."_  
  
Corso shrugs apathetically.  
  
_"Solid. Let's go for a ride so ya can tell Dom no to his face. Ya tell him ya're done."_  
  
The corner is Nick's lip curls but he knows better than to offer a rebuttal.  
  
_"What? What is it?"  
  
"Good man."_ The man spits the words at Nick in the most condescending tone he can offer. _"We heard she's looking for a warrant. I need ya to find out exactly what is in it. We also heard she's got a meeting with Hoarfrost on Monday. Let us know what happens."  
  
"She doesn't tell me shit. I'm not in her circle. If you wanted information like that you should've gone to Luciana or Forrester. They're the only people she would trust with something like that."  
_  
_"Isn't this exactly why ya hate her and want her out of the way? Because she doesn't trust ya? Because she treats ya like one of her bitches instead of a real man? Didn't ya tell Sammy she recommended someone else for the promotion ya should've gotten? Ya keep forgetting the shit ya told us, but I remember Dillane. We got yar back, she doesn’t. Get me what I need and once we're done with her ya'll be on yar way to yar dream job."  
  
"She...I do. I can't get this for you. Not without breaking a few federal laws."_  
  
The man's demeanor changes.  
  
_"That's yar problem. Ya got my number. I'll know if ya're hiding shit from me and then I'll have to send someone to visit little Monica. I hear she kind of looks like yar sister.”_  
  
Nick begins to panic.  
  
_"I can't promise you this. I can't."  
  
"Ya better try real fucking hard."_ Corso easily slips out of the booth and stands. _"Use the burner. Toss it after you call me Monday. If we need to reach ya after that we find ya."_  
  
Corso begins to walk away.  
  
_"Wait!"_ Nick exclaims too loud drawing attention towards them yet again. _"The...the money?"  
  
"We'll look at what ya gave us. If it's good ya get half. Ya get the other half when ya call me on Monday."  
  
"That's not..."_ Nick's voice is louder than he anticipated. He looks around and moderates his volume. _"That's not what we agreed."  
  
"That's what ya're getting. I'm expecting a call on Monday morning. It better come."_  
  
Without anything else to add, Corso exits the cafe.  
  
_"Fuck."_ Nick kicks one of the legs and it rattles the entire table. People turn to look at him. _"Fuck."_  
  
The waitress walks up and drops a bill for the soda she brought earlier.  
  
_"Are you serious?"_  
  
Aurora looks at him and shrugs. Nick digs through his jacket for his wallet and slaps a ten on the table before squeezing past her and exiting the cafe.

* * *

The elevator's muffled ding indicates he's arrived but Nick's mind is elsewhere and he misses it. The friendly taps on his shoulder startle Nick more than seemed appropriate and when he snaps back to his senses, the entire elevator is staring at him. Nick embarrassedly looks at Chelsea from accounting because he really did just swat her hand away and retreated in fear when she’s merely a hundred and ten pounds and four foot nothing on a good day.  
  
_"This is your floor Dillane."_  
  
Nick tries to compose himself.  
  
_"Tha...thanks."_  
  
Nick hurries out of the elevator and does his best not to literally sprint towards his office.  
  
As he makes a right on the third hallway, Nick comes across Lexa approaching with her head buried in the stack of folders she carries. Nick instantly swivels and backpedals as he tries to head back in the direction where he came from but unfortunately for him Lexa had already spotted him.  
  
_"Dillane."_  
  
Nick tries to force equanimity into his demeanor as effectively as he can.  
  
_"GW."  
  
"You're late. We've been waiting for you?"_  
  
Nick's hands go clammy. What could they possibility need him for?  
  
_"Wh…y? For what?"  
  
"Fishing Line meeting?”_ Lexa knots her brows and looks at him confused. _“We scheduled that last week for today at two? We talked about it yesterday?"  
_  
Lexa looks at him confused.  
  
_"Right. Right. I just...I gotta…piss really bad. I need a minute."  
  
"Sure."_  
  
Nick all but runs in the opposite direction.  
  
_"Nick."_  
  
Nick scrunches his face at the sound of his name accompanied by the clank of Lexa's boots against the cheap ceramic tiles. Nick turns and is taken aback when Lexa is mere inches away because the last thing he was expecting was for Lexa to be that close to him.  
  
_"Hey. I know this might seem out of left field but I talked to Clarke about hosting a fundraiser at the gallery for your niece."  
  
"NO! She..."_  
  
Nick almost immediately tries to jump in but Lexa continues undeterred.  
  
_"The owner is really into philanthropy. He won't mind letting us use the space for a night. Clarke can get pieces donated in no time and we could easily raise at least ten grand."  
  
"I can't. _**You** _can't."_  
  
Lexa dismisses the notion.  
  
_"I have kids Dillane. They've never been sick but I'd do anything for them if they were. I know she's not yours but I also know how my sister loves my kids so let us help. You're a headache but we want to do something."  
  
"No. We're good. We got the money."  
  
"Really? How? I thought you said..."_  
  
Nick forcefully cuts her off.  
  
_"Family. Family pitched in. We got it covered. No need. I really gotta go piss."_  
  
Before Lexa can even reply, Nick is off in the general direction of the bathrooms.

* * *

The door flies open given the force that Nick’s open palms exert on it and without anything in his way, he rushes in. He pushes every stall open to make sure he's alone and once he confirms he is, his frail facade of composure falls apart.  
  
_"FUCK!"  
_  
Nick bangs his open palm against his forehead.  
  
_"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ **F U C K** _!"_  
  
Nick kicks the trash can and the power behind it hurls it across the bathroom leaving a trail of trash behind it.  
  
_"Fuck."_  
  
Teddy, the new nepotism hire, walks in and somehow dodges the trashcan that flies mere inches past his shoulder. Nick forces a smile and hastily moves to pick up the trashcan and all of its spilled contents.

* * *

Lexa sits at the head of the long conference table. The thirty eight year old leans back on her chair with her left leg crossed over her right emanating the well-nigh overbearing confidence and poise she was notorious for. She holds a thick folder in her hands as she dishes out obnoxiously detailed instructions of everything she expects to be accomplished by the time they walk into jury selection for the Fishing Line case on Tuesday.  
  
Luciana, Ofelia, and Strand sit on her right side. Nick, Madison, and the assistant tasked with taking notes sit to her left.  
  
_"Everything must be reviewed. Every single word on every page must be double-checked and once you do that, then check it one more time. Let's start with physical evidence. I want chain of custody for each piece to be verified with every person on those logs and I want everyone who even breathed near one of our items to be cross-referenced with the victims. I don't want any surprises again. Strand, I'm giving you two of the Juniors to do that. Pick whomever you want and take them off whatever they're doing. This is their priority now."_  
  
_"Sure thing boss."  
  
"Next: NYPD and their stupid reports. We're going to call in everyone who was at those scenes. Everyone from the detectives to the rookie who was tying the tape that night comes in. Everyone. I mean it. We need to make sure no one touched anything they weren't supposed to or saw something they haven't mentioned. We're going to have them read each report they put together and confirm that everything is as it should be. Salazar, the uniforms love you for some reason so I want you on that."  
  
"It's the charm GW. One day you might learn how to talk to people without making them want to shit themselves."_  
  
They all cackle, even Lexa, but she doesn't dwell on it for longer than she needs to.  
  
_"Sure, yeah. The two surviving victims, Harmon and Teles..."_  
  
Nick jumps in and interrupts Lexa mid sentence.  
  
_"I can work with the victims. Review their testimony. I'll make sure they're air tight."_  
  
Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"You're not exactly great with people Dillane. Luciana, I want you on that. Sit with them. Have them tell you the story of their encounters from top to bottom as many times as you need to make sure it's consistent and that the details are identical eve..."_  
  
Nick, who is growing visibly impatient with every new word Lexa utters, finally cuts in.  
_  
"I can do that. I can work with them."  
  
"Nick, I need you on something else."  
  
"On what?!"_  
  
_"Go over all the witness testimonies and interviews. Every page we have in those boxes. Maybe someone said something we've missed. On our last count we had thirteen hundred plus witnesses that span the eleven years Jarod was active so while I need you to be thorough don't linger on them for longer than necessary."  
  
"You want to bury me in fucking paperwork again. Have an intern do that shit."  
  
"I’m not trusting this case on an intern. You're doing it."  
  
"That’s fucking bullshit!"_  
  
_"I gave you your task. It's done."_ Lexa, considering the conversation over, immediate moves on to the next item on her list. _“Madison, you are..."_  
  
On the other hand, Nick is all but done.  
  
_"Why don't the women ever..."_  
  
The interruption results in a low growl emanating from Lexa's throat.  
  
_"Nick."  
  
"...get stuck reading ten year old..."  
  
"Nick."  
  
"...files and rookie cop interview notes?"  
  
"Dillane."  
  
"...It's always fucking me."_  
  
Lexa finally loses her measured tone and she outright barks at him.  
  
_"Enough!"_ All heads whip in her direction. _"Enough. This isn't a debate. This is not a negotiation."  
  
"I'm not going to be your fucking secretary."_

Nick counters in the same blustering tone that Lexa was using to address him. In a split second Lexa’s demeanor transforms and everyone but Nick recognized this was about to get worse before it got better.  
  
_"Then get out. You're off the case."_  
  
Lexa tells him coldly and without a shred of hesitation.  
  
_"What?"  
  
"You're off my case."  
  
"I've been working on this case for a year!"  
  
"Not anymore. Leave all your notes and files. We have it from here."  
  
"Hell no!"  
  
"You're wasting everyone’s time now Dillane. Either leave or I will have you removed."  
  
"Go ahead! Do it! Call who you're going to call. I'd like to see them try."  
_  
Nick leans back in his chair defiantly.  
  
_"Nick, just go."_  
  
Madison jumps in. Nick looks around the room incredulous. When he realizes he has no support from the people who have watched him work on this case tirelessly for close to fifteen months, he hastily gathers his stuff and heads for the door. As he walks past Lexa on his way to exit the room, he makes the most half-assed attempt at fake whispering.  
  
_"Fucking cunt."_  
  
The moment the last syllable leaves Nick's mouth Lexa retorts.  
  
_"You're off every case until further notice."_  
  
The room goes silent and Nick whips his head back.  
  
_"What?!"_  
  
Lexa doesn't even lift her eyes from the folder in front of her  
  
_"Every case you were lead on will be passed on to Strand. If you were second chair, third chair is moving up."  
  
"You can't fucking do that!"  
  
"It's already done."  
  
"I'm talking to Indra."_  
  
Nick heads for the door.  
  
_"Good luck."_  
  
Lexa's voice doesn't even falter. Nick hovers over the door and returns to stand next to Lexa.  
  
_"I'm keeping my cases."  
  
"Did you miss what I just said?"_ Lexa finally raises her eyes to look up at him. _"You don't have cases anymore. You won't have any until you learn how to follow my instructions."  
  
"What the fuck am I supposed to do?!"  
  
"I'll come up with something. The archive room is a mess. Reist could probably use a hand in there."  
  
"I'm fucking talking to Indra."  
  
_ Nick tromps towards the door once more.  
  
_"Let me know how that goes."_  
  
Lexa calmly retorts being fully aware that Indra would never undermine any of her decisions and especially not with Nick.  
  
Nick exits the room but having only taken a couple of steps he backtracks to hover by the door.  
  
_"You're going to get what's coming to you one of these days and not one person is going to feel bad. Not one."_  
  
Nick leaves for good this time but not before slamming the door loud enough that people in the lobby might have heard it.  
  
Lexa, completely unfazed, flips a few more pages and takes some notes on her pad. The room is silent for a few beats before Luciana speaks. She was the only one who would feel comfortable enough to ask, so she did.  
  
_"Are you really benching him?"_  
  
Lexa doesn't even look up from the files.  
  
_"That's what I said, wasn't it? It's not like his conviction rates make him indispensable."_  
  
Lexa replies laconically.  
  
_"Lexa, he's not a bad prosecutor. Dillane is..."_  
  
Luciana – the person who was more often than not the voice of reason when Lexa's stubbornness made her go too far – tries to intervene but Lexa cuts her off.  
  
_"I had better numbers than him in my first year and he’s been doing this for years longer. We don't need him."  
  
"You should..."_  
  
_"Galvez, we have work to do. If anyone wants to join him let me know now."_  
  
Lexa looks down the conference table and when no one answers, she resumes where she had left off.  
  
_"Madison, I want you to..."_  
  
Lexa continues to hand out tasks along with detailed instructions for the next three hours.

* * *

Nick aggressively shoves the entrance doors to the building and walks a few feet to the sidewalk where he begins to pace. His jaw clenches and unclenches as he moves up and down the length of the sidewalk.  
  
After a few dozen repetitions he digs into his pocket and pulls out a phone before calling the only number saved in it. Someone answers at the third ring.  
  
_"You'll get what you fucking need."_  
  
The voice on the other end rejoices.  
  
_"Solid! Half of the money is being deposited later today."_  
  
The call ends.  
  
If Lexa would've known that her repeated and brazen assertion of her position of power over Nick would be what set in motion the last fateful chain of events that lead to her son being murdered she would've handled everything so differently. If she knew that meeting became the point of no return she would have done anything to remedy it. Lexa would’ve gone to any extremes, even irrational ones to prevent what was now meant to happen. Perhaps she would have made Nick lead prosecutor or maybe she would have given up her entire career. Had Lexa known what the words she said that day brought forth she would have never said them.

* * *

_"Hey."_ Luciana pops her head into Lexa's office at a quarter past six to find Lexa busy packing up her bag and stuffing it with some of the most important case files they went over today. _"We're putting in an order at Rock Bottom. Do you want the usual?"  
  
"Actually...I think I'm going home for dinner tonight."  
_  
Luciana looks at her friend confused.  
  
_"Are you dying?"_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"No. I'm fine. We've been living off takeout for the past week. I miss my wife's food...and the dinner arguments. It's Friday. I figured everyone would be leaving early anyway so I was going to head out. Should I stay?"_  
  
Lexa looks mildly guilty.  
  
_"No. No. Go home."  
  
"Are you sure? I should probably stay."  
  
"Go home Lexa. Have real food and think of us."_  
  
Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Good night."  
  
"Have a good weekend."  
  
"You too. Tell Clarke I said hello."  
  
"Will do."_  
  
Luciana backs away from the office and disappears. Lexa stubbornly jams one of her legal books into the overflowing bag and briefly struggles with the zipper before moving towards the door.  
  
As she turns the light off behind her she declares that her weekend has officially started.

* * *

Lexa casually hums an upbeat tune while she exits the elevator and walks the distance up to the front door. About halfway down the hallway she begins patting her pockets in search of her keys. When she can’t feel them on her she opens her bag and rubs her hand around the edges of the tight space trying to find them. When Lexa doesn’t feel them in there either she sighs.  
  
_"Poop."_  
  
Lexa blurts out an age appropriate version of a curse word very much like someone who has four young children and is perennially extra mindful with her language. She rings the bell with resignation and sighs again already anticipating Clarke’s reaction. Lexa hears the patter of feet jogging up to the door for the few seconds leading up to Clarke swinging the heavy wooden slab open.  
  
_"Keep thinking about the movie. We have to pick something."_ Clarke screams into the apartment as she pulls the door. The thirty five year old's face lights up with delight when she sees Lexa. After the initial shock of unexpectedly finding her wife on the other side of the door has passed, realization hits Clarke. _"Did you leave your keys at the office again?"_  
  
Lexa nods and Clarke rolls her eyes.

_“I’m going to superglue them to your hand.”_

_“That sounds painful.”_

Lexa smirks forcing Clarke to roll her eyes even more dramatically this time. Once she’s done expressing her displeasure, Clarke beckons her wife closer with her pointer finger. Lexa’s smirk grows into a full smile as she diminishes the distance and pecks Clarke's lips.  
  
_"I thought you'd be working late tonight."  
  
"I missed you."_  
  
Lexa steals another kiss.  
  
_"Me too."_  
  
They scan each other's faces attentively, taking every minute detail in as if they haven’t been waking up to those same features for close to eighteen years. Just as Lexa is about to lean in for a third kiss Roa's exasperated voice punctures the air.  
  
_"Mommy! Nana told me my movies were stupid!"_  
  
Roa's scream echoes through the apartment and Lexa can almost feel the walls reverberating. Roa has had the biggest set of lungs out of any of the kids since the day she was born and every time she screams Lexa can almost feel her ears shrivel up. Before Clarke has a chance to reply, Lexa brings her index finger to her lips indicating Clarke to keep quiet. Clarke grins and carefully closes the door while Lexa drops off her bag by the entrance and tiptoes her way into the apartment. She swiftly turns the corner towards the dining room and very sternly speaks.  
  
_"What have we said about calling each other stupid?"_  
  
Four little heads whip around at the same time and it's as if a bomb went off inside the home. The shrieking emitted by both vocal chords and chairs grating against wood merge into a chaotic cacophony of sounds and within seconds the four children are ramming with every ounce of their might against Lexa. Turtle, riled up by the commotion, also runs towards Lexa barking incessantly and viciously wagging his tail.  
  
_"Momma!"  
  
"We made tacos!"_  
  
Without wasting any time, Lexa kneels to be at her children’s eye level. The moment she does the foursome attacks her with love.  
  
_"Did you save me some?"  
  
"We did! There's a bitrizillion tacos left."_  
  
As the children talk over each other at the rate of ten thousand words per minute somehow leaving their little mouths, Lexa makes sure to take the time to greet them individually with a proper kiss and a hug before speaking again.  
  
_"Good because I'm starving."_  
  
Lexa gives Turtle a few good head rubs before turning her attention back to the sources of the four tiny voices that constantly increase their volume as they try to speak over each other.  
  
While Lexa is being pounced on by the children, Clarke makes her way to the kitchen to put together everything she needs to set Lexa's place at the table. Moments later, Clarke returns to the dining room holding a plate, a glass, and some cutlery. The instant she’s back she sets off trying to wrangle in the small beasts.  
  
_"Okay. Alright. Back to the table. Come on."_  
  
Clarke swats the children and the dog away from Lexa. Lexa moves in the direction of her usual chair but Clarke stops her and points towards the kitchen.  
  
_"Wash your hands."_ Lexa rolls her eyes and huffs because she truly is starving and this would just be delaying her access to food. _"Don't give me attitude. If they have to do it so do you."  
_  
Lexa shakes her head in displeasure but moves to the kitchen to do as she was instructed while Clarke sets her up at the table.  
  
When Lexa reenters the dining room a few seconds later everyone has returned to his or her usual place at the table. Lexa's seat has always been at the head of the ten-person surface. Last year Clarke had met a woodworker who fell in love with Clarke’s work but couldn’t afford one of her paintings. Not long after they became acquaintances, he agreed to design something unique for their dining room if Clarke painted something equally unique for him. This is how they ended up with the handcrafted, bespoke, French walnut table. The edges were “live”, meaning they were curved and irregular following the natural movement the tree once had. The heart of the wood bled from light to dark with tones of chocolate and raspberry. This was one of Clarke’s favorite possessions and she adored it when all six of them managed to sit around it together.

Clarke’s regular seat is to Lexa’s right with Roa and Costia to Clarke's right. Jake sat immediately to Lexa’s left and Anya sat next to him. No one in the family had officially assigned seats, but over the years it became obvious that they naturally fell into a pattern that hardly ever got shuffled around. The only times this sitting arrangement varied was if there was company over or if the kids were fighting with each other. The severity of an argument became crystal clear when seats where suddenly swapped following a disagreement.  
  
Lexa kisses the top of Jake and Anya's heads as she walks past them on her way to her chair.  
  
_"Have you guys recapped yet?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"We were trying to pick a movie."  
  
"OK, how about we do recaps and whoever has the most points gets to pick?"_  
  
Recapping is what the Griffin-Woods called the process of filling each other in with what happened up until that point in time. Every night during dinner each member of the family had to share the best and worst parts of their day. They touched upon anything and everything from class, to homework, to chores, to funny things or sad things, and at the end of everyone's turn Clarke and Lexa handed out "points". After having done this for six years they had reached the juncture where, for the most part, most things already had an arbitrary and preexisting value assigned that could be added to – or in bad cases subtracted from – the total. If they encountered something that they never had before, the family would come together to assign a value to it on the spot. Whoever managed to get fifty points by bedtime on Sunday night got a reward the following week. If one of them managed to hit the fifty point threshold every week for a month they received an extra prize. Depending on the amount of points accumulated, rewards could be something like extra allowance money or an outing with friends or a toy they really wanted. The prizes tended to be pretty standard, predictable things but on some weeks the kids decided they wanted to mix it up and asked for something different knowing that their rewards could certainly be negotiated within reason.  
  
In order to easily keep track of how everyone was doing, Clarke had painted the long wall in the far side of the dining room with blackboard paint and requested the same wood craftsman who designed their table to build a small shelf to match it. On it they could keep chalk, erasers, and other supplies needed for the giant board handy. After the kids went to bed on Sundays Clarke would wipe down the board and use the majority of the space to paint a different mini mural each week that reflected the spirit of what was going on in their lives. Clarke did her best to integrate the negative space they needed for what the wall was originally intended for: being a scoreboard. Each of the family members had a designated area within the wall where their totals were tallied along with succinct notes on what needed to be improved upon or where they were excelling that particular week. Each Sunday night when the mural was wiped so was everyone’s point tally. They would all be simultaneously reset to zero in anticipation of the fresh week.  
  
_"That's not fair!"  
  
"Nana always has more points!"  
  
"And she always picks the worst movies!"  
  
"Hey!"_ Clarke tries to calm the ruckus down. _"Inside voices."  
  
"I like Nana's choices."_ Lexa states as she begins to serve herself from each of the different bowls in front of her. _"I like your choices."_ She turns to Anya reassuringly and the eleven year old shrugs in response. _"Ok. Who wants to go first?"_  
  
At Lexa's question a racket explodes around the table. The children speak in a chorus of _“ME!”_ as they pound the table or unintentionally bang cutlery against their plates. Roa's hand flies up as she somehow manages to get both her feet on the chair and she begins jumping on it. Clarke looks at her completely horrified.  
  
_"Roa, seriously?! When did we start standing on chairs? Get down! Chairs are for sitting. Are you kidding me?"_ When it takes Roa longer than Clarke finds acceptable to move back to a fully seated position Clarke threatens her. _"Either you get that booty on the chair now or you're not getting your tablet tonight."  
_  
With that warning served, Roa rushes and sits back down. Lexa chuckles and shakes her head.  
  
_"Ok, well Roro seems really excited to recap so we should let her go first."_  
  
The six year old girl doesn't need to be encouraged for words to start spilling out of her mouth.  
  
_"Uhm...Mrs. Morgan gave us a...uhm...a practice spelling bee and I uhm...I got my team bonus points momma!"  
  
"You did?! How did you do that?"  
  
"She gave us challenge words and I got it right! And then we won! I broke the tide."_  
  
Lexa laughs at the mistake.  
  
_"You broke the tie, not the tide. Tie is the right word."  
  
"Oh...yeah. The tie."  
  
"What word did you get right?"  
  
"Exercise. E-x-e-r-c-i-s-e. Exercise."  
  
"Good job Ro! That was so good."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"I put my bag and my shoes in my cubby when I got home and mommy didn't even have to tell me to."  
  
"That's because I did."_  
  
Anya mutters under her breath and Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Good job!"_ Lexa turns to Anya. _"Both of you."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"I helped with dinner!"  
  
"You didn't help. You sat on the floor and played with your friends who don't even exist."_  
  
Jake butts in with a huff. Jake wasn't ever trying to be cruel when he pointed out that Roa's imaginary friends were not real. The eight year old was simply being as pragmatic as Lexa would be. He couldn't understand why someone would pretend to play with a person that wasn't even there.  
  
_"THEY ARE REAL!"  
  
"They're not. Invisible people don't exist Roa."  
  
"GRAGLE AND KEVIN ARE MY FRIENDS! You just jealous because you don't have any!"  
  
"Ey!"_ Clarke interjects. _"That's not nice! Apologize to your brother."  
  
"Not if he doesn't say sorry to my friends."_

Roa sasses back at Clarke. _  
  
"I shouldn't have to apologize. Your friends don't have feelings because your friends aren't real."  
  
"Okay, no more."_ Lexa jumps in and that instantly translates into the argument being over. Lexa was terrible at disciplining the children and they were all quite aware of it but they also knew that when Lexa sees it necessary to get involved it's in their best interest to immediately correct their behavior. _"Jay?"_  
  
One word from Lexa is enough to set a resolution to the problem in motion. Jake pushes his chair back and walks around the table towards Roa. He hugs his younger sister and gives her a kiss on the cheek.  
  
_"I'm sorry."_  
  
Roa, stubborn as her mothers, gives him the cold shoulder.  
  
_"Ro, Jay apologized. You have to kiss and make it better now."_  
  
Roa does something she could only have picked up from Costia and rolls her eyes. She leans forward and wraps her arms around Jake before kissing him.  
  
_"I'm sorry I said you were lame with no friends but it's not lie."  
  
"We have to work on both your grammar and your apology skills Ro. Go back to your seat Jay."_  
  
As Jake walks past Lexa on his way to his chair, Lexa pulls him close and gives him a kiss on the side of the temple before whispering into his ear.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Jake smiles and Lexa nudges him along and he returns to his usual seat.  
  
_"Okay, let's finish up with Ro. How many points is a good day at school?"  
  
"FIVE!"  
  
"I'll give you two extra points for the hard word so make it seven."_  
  
Clarke pulls back her middle finger with her thumb and flicks Lexa's hand.  
  
_"You need to stop handing out freebies."  
  
"She got 'exercise' right! That deserves a least ONE extra point."_  
  
Lexa argues and Clarke shakes her head. Lexa turns back to Roa.  
  
_"Make it six Ro. So…you had thirty eight points. What's thirty eight plus six?"_ Roa starts attempting to count with her fingers. _"You don't have enough fingers. Do it on the board."  
_  
Roa stands and walks up to the wall. She messily scribbles the numbers on the corner and when it’s clear that she’s struggling with the answer Lexa jumps in to help her.  
  
_"What's eight plus six?"_ Roa looks at the board trying to figure the solution out. _"Count it out loud. It'll help."_ When Roa struggles while trying to figure out where to start Lexa jumps in. _"Eight plus one is..."  
  
"Nine!"  
  
"Okay so keep going. You have five left."  
  
"Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen!"  
  
_ Roa scribbles a messy fourteen on the board.  
  
_"Well, yes it is fourteen but that's not the answer. You keep the four but you have to carry the one. So delete the one from in front of the four and add it to the three. What's one plus three?"  
  
"FOUR!"  
  
"Good job."_  
  
_"So you have forty four points. You're so close this week monkey!"_ Lexa exclaims brimming with glee while Roa happily scrawls the total points next to her name and hops back to her seat. Lexa intercepts her and pulls her close. _"This is the best you've done in a long time. I'm proud of you."_ Lexa covers the little girl in kisses while she squirms and giggles. _"If you get fifty this week I'll give you an extra surprise."  
  
"Really?! What surprise momma?!"  
  
"It's not a surprise if I tell you. That just means you have to be good all weekend and see if you make it by Sunday. Then you'll find out."  
  
_ Clarke slaps Lexa's hand.  
  
_"You also need to stop amending the rules every week and giving away things. It defeats the purpose of the system."_  
  
Lexa raises her shoulders in a shrug meant to play up her innocence and smiles as she brings a forkful of food up to her mouth.  
  
_"We make the rules. We can break them."_  
  
Lexa tells her wife and her playful smile turns into a smug one.  
  
_"You're an enabler and then I'm the bad one."  
  
"You're not the bad one."_ Lexa turns to the kids. _"Tell her she's not the bad one."  
  
"You're not bad mommy."  
_  
Jake, genuinely concerned that Clarke might think she's bad, does his best to temper the situation.  
  
_"If you guys behaved more I wouldn't have to be."_ Clarke looks around the table and shamelessly judges her children. _"Anyway...who's turn is it?"  
  
"You go."  
_  
Lexa encourages her wife.  
  
_"Well…I finally got a date locked for my meeting with Anton."  
  
"You did?! That's amazing Clarke!"_ Lexa covers Clarke's hand with hers and squeezes it. Clarke looks at little guilty and Lexa catches on. _"What?"  
  
"It's the day of the showcase."  
  
"No!"  
_  
The three youngest children chime in almost perfect unison.  
  
_"I know, I'm sorry but we can't reschedule this again. We've been going back and forth for months trying to find a time that works for us both and if we don't do it on Monday then we have to wait until he comes back from Asia in the fall."  
  
"But you won't see us!"_  
  
Anya practically whines. Clarke knows it's bad when even Anya is complaining.  
  
_"I will. We'll make sure to record the whole thing. For sure. I'll recruit Aunt O or something."_ Clarke looks around the table and everyone - even Lexa - looks deflated. _"I'm sorry. You’re right. I'll send him an email tomorrow. I'll see if we can figure another date out."  
  
"No. No no. No."_ Lexa chimes in. _"Go. This is important. We can handle a talent show without you in the city. Right?"_ Lexa tries to rile the kids up. _"Right???"_  
  
Lexa asks more insistently and finally everyone agrees.  
  
_"Okay good because I booked my tickets already. I leave at 9:30 AM and I'm back by 8:45 PM. We'll have to figure out how to get everyone where they need to be on time but if we rehearse it all weekend we_ **might** _be able to pull it off."  
  
"We'll make it work. We can survive a day with you gone."  
  
"I'm not entirely sure about that and I'm honestly afraid to test it."_  
  
Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"Alright. What's a good day at work?"  
  
"Five points!"_

The voices around the table echo each other.

_"Mommy planned a big meeting so we should give her some extra points for that, no?"_

Anya inquires and looks at Lexa waiting for an answer.  
  
_"Yeah!"  
  
"Make it ten."_

Lexa impulsively doubles it. _  
  
"What's the point of the system if you're just going to destroy it?"_  
  
Clarke squints at her wife displeased before rolling her eyes and standing to write her new total. She had forty one points and with the ten Lexa offered she lands comfortably over fifty.  
  
_"Not complaining about the 'freebies' now?"  
  
"Can't beat them, take advantage of them."_ Clarke smiles as she sits back down. _"Okay, who's next?"  
  
"Momma goes."_  
  
Jake looks at Lexa and smiles. He was always the most excited to hear about Lexa's day.  
  
_"Okay. Well, I had meetings..."_ Lexa breaks out her exaggerated, funny voice, which makes the kids and Clarke giggle. _"... **ALL DAY LONG**..."_ Lexa pauses to take in the sight of her entire family laughing because of her. She takes a deep breath and savors the moment before she resumes. _"We have to pick the new jury for my big case next week. We went over our strategy because we need to make sure we win. There's a very bad man going on trial and I'm hoping to put him in jail for a long time."  
  
"Do you think you'll win?"  
  
_ Anya asks with genuine curiosity.  
  
_"No doubt in my mind."_  
  
Lexa retorts with a warm grin.  
  
_"Anything exciting outside of meetings?"_  
  
Clarke jumps in.  
  
_"Well, not exciting per se but I did get into a fight with someone today and maybe I got a little carried away. I probably need to apologize on Monday. I might have to lose some points for that one because I don't think it was very nice."  
  
"But you're admitting you weren't nice and that you're going to say sorry so it's okay momma. We don't have to take points away."_  
  
Jake immediately jumps to her defense.  
  
_"Yeah, but we still shouldn't be mean even if we regret it later. I'd say that me not being nice to that person cancels out every other good thing I did and that I should get zero points for the day. That sounds fair."  
  
"But then you can get more points when you say sorry on Monday!"_  
  
Roa tells her mother, electrified at the thought of her getting points that she missed out on today.  
  
_"That's right. Apologizing is two points. Hopefully I can get those on Monday. I'll let you know how that goes. Who's next?"_  
  
They circle around the table for the next twenty seven minutes going over everyone's day. They touch upon Jake's role as Roger on the third grader's _101 Dalmatians_ play and he delivers some of his favorite lines. He seemed excited about the performance and that put Lexa at ease. Jake wasn't exactly the best around people, and particularly big groups of people, but seeing him this animated about it tempered her concerns down to almost nothing. Once Jake was done it was Anya's turn. They went over her success with her history reviews and new details for the big fifth grade father/daughter dance her and Lexa had been rehearsing for weeks. Costia came last. At twelve and a half, Costia was certainly entering her moody teenage years. Seeing as she was already prickly to begin with, the sour aspects of her personality were merely exacerbated. Because of this, recapping was becoming less "thrilling" and more "intrusive" hence why every time it was Costia's turn to share with the family it felt like pulling teeth. Today was different though. Costia seemed to be in a better mood than usual and as soon as she was up, she ranted about the geometry and AP history finals she took that day, how well they went, and how she had managed to somehow tear a hole at the bottom of her running sneakers while goofing off with her friends.  
  
To no one's surprise, Anya ended up at the top of the leaderboard that night with sixty three points and two more days still to go. Anya keeps a tight grip on that lead through the weekend.

* * *

While Clarke grabbed the kids one by one to get them ready for bed, Lexa pulled the three remaining ones aside for some quick study sessions in anticipation of the last round of finals that were coming up the following week. Lexa went over multiplication tables with Jake, English and Social Studies with Costia, Algebra with Anya, and fractions with Roa.  
  
Once everyone was properly showered they all crammed onto the couch to watch Anya’s choice of entertainment. Despite the fact that her siblings seemed to hate it because the thought it was – as Costia described it – _“boring and depressing”,_ Anya still picked one of her personal favorites, _“Far From Home: The Adventures Of Yellow Dog”_.

Everyone but Costia and Lexa was out cold before the movie even reached the halfway point. Lexa carried Anya and Jake to bed while Costia offered to tuck Roa in. Once the kids were all in their respective rooms, Lexa convinced Clarke to begrudgingly move to their bed. The moment her wife is under the covers, Lexa sets out to find the only other person who needs to be put to sleep.

* * *

Lexa gently knocks on the door at the end of the long hallway but gets no response even though the light is still on. Lexa knocks again. Nothing. Lexa cracks the door and finds Costia strumming her guitar with headphones plugged into her amplifier.

Lexa stands on the threshold, peering inside as Costia’s dutifully morphed her fingers from one complicated position to another while strumming a song that Lexa couldn’t hear. There was something about watching her kids do an activity they genuinely enjoyed that felt magical to Lexa. Moments like these were near sacred to her. Lexa takes a steadying breath before slipping inside the room and walking up to Costia. When the tween still hasn’t noticed her presence, Lexa lifts up the left side of her headphones.

 _“Bedtime.”_  
  
Costia is startled to the point where the guitar nearly falls to the floor when her hands flail as a result of the unexpected touch followed by the voice.  
  
_"Jesus fuc...dge."  
  
"Nice save."_  
  
Lexa chuckles and shakes her head deciding to let go of the very obvious curse that was about to leave her daughter's mouth.  
  
_"It's bedtime."  
  
"It's Friday."  
  
"Doesn't mean you don't have to go to bed."_  
  
Costia releases a low groan when Lexa extends her hand to take the guitar. When Costia doesn't immediately hand it over Lexa stretches her arm even further. Costia exhales loudly but relents and gives Lexa the guitar.  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
Lexa walks over to the wall and hangs the black Epiphone EJ-200SCE Acoustic Electric Guitar on one of the several hooks that are screwed into the plaster. As Lexa walks towards the queen sized frame, Costia instantly makes space knowing that Lexa is about to climb in bed with her.  
  
_"Alright. What do we have today?"_  
  
Lexa probes as she plops down on the mattress before snaking her arm under Costia’s head and allowing her daughter to rest her entire upper body against her chest. Once Costia has made herself comfortable atop her mother, Lexa wraps her arm around her and begins to slowly run her hand up and down her daughter’s back in a never ending tender caress. 

Ever since she learned how to form words Costia was a talker. She always had something – usually a sassy something – to say. Bedtime was not the exception to her chatty ways so Lexa had to devise a scheme to restrict the number of things Costia could talk about without delaying her bedtime which is how she came up with what she considered a brilliant plan. Every night Costia got to share one thing for each year she’d been alive. Costia could share whatever she felt like. Her twelve things could be a funny story, a joke, an anecdote, or something that happened that day which Costia didn’t feel like elaborating on at the dinner table. For Costia, recapping with her entire family was starting to be cumbersome, but there was something different about her nightly routine with Lexa that continued to excite the young girl. Maybe it was because Costia truly enjoyed her time alone with her mother but this was never complicated for her and it happened that quite often Costia purposely didn’t talk about things at the dinner table so that Lexa could be the first to hear about them.

_“One. I had a really nice dream last night.”_

_“Did you? What was it about?”_

_“I was on stage. Singing to a sea of people and they knew all the words. It felt so incredible.”_

_“Someday. I’m sure of it.”_

Lexa presses her lips against Costia’s temple and Costia sighs happily at the welcomed gesture.

_“Two. I learned how to play a new song on the guitar today. I started learning it when we got home from school and by dinner time I had it.”_

_“Wow.”_ Lexa sounds genuinely blown away by the admission. _“It only took you one afternoon?”_

_“Yeah. I thought I would need longer but turns out it wasn’t that hard.”_

_“That’s so impressive Cos.”_

_“Three. A new Spongebob meme went viral today.”_

_“There’s another one?! I still don’t even understand any of the other ones.”_

Costia grabs the phone that lay next to her and brings it up to Lexa’s eyes. She expects Lexa to laugh as hard as she and her friends had when they saw it but when Lexa just stares at it blankly Costia huffs and throws her phone aside.

_“Nevermind.”_

_“I really don’t get them. They’re never funny.”_

_“You’re not funny.”_

_“Excuse you, I’m a hoot.”_

Lexa digs her fingers into Costia’s waist and the girl giggles.

_“NO TICKLING!”_

_“Say I’m funny.”_

Lexa continues to press her hands against Costia’s side and quickly moves her fingers.

_“Oh my god! You’re funny. You’re hilarious. STOP!”_

Costia raises her voice more than necessary as she squirms and Lexa finally relents.

_“Shhh…you’re going to wake everyone up.”_

Lexa scolds Costia as she tried to contain her own laughter.

_“Four. I hate being tickled.”_

Costia huffed and fixed her shirt as she said that. Lexa chortled in response.

_“Noted.”_

_“Five. Kylie and Kendall are fighting again.”_

Lexa was pop culture illiterate and Costia was making it her mission to keep her mother abridged of all the latest happenings just so that Lexa could at least pretend to be in the loop of what was happening in the world outside of work. Lexa did her best trying to follow the things Costia dumped on her lap but regardless of how hard Costia tried, Lexa wasn’t built to handle celebrity gossip. Her cluelessness about the whole thing ended up being the most entertaining part to Costia which is, frankly, why she even kept doing it.

_“Oh…are those the sisters with the YouTube channel and a lot of plastic surgery?”_

_“Nope. They’re the millionaires with the reality show and a lot of plastic surgery.”_

_“Ah. You could make it easier for me and not like people who have similar names and who all look alike. What were they fighting about last time?”_

_“An ex-boyfriend.”_

_“And now?”_

_“A new boyfriend.”_

_“Well, at least they keep it consistent.”_

_“Six. We’re starting to plan Tris’s birthday trip. Her family is thinking Florida this year.”_

_“You know that depends on grades so make sure they’re where they need to be or you know that’s going to be off the table.”_

_“I know, but they will be. Don’t worry.”_

_“Seven. This new bakery opened on the north side of Greenwich. Fox went with her family and she says it’s crazy good. Maybe we could go this weekend.”_

_“Sure. If we all get up in time we could try Sunday brunch. Do they have brunch?”_

_“Yeah! I was looking up the menu and it looks so bomb.”_

_“Ok. Done. Let’s go there on Sunday.”_

_“Eight. Two of the boys from eighth grade were suspended today for egging Mrs. Carey’s car.”_

_“Why would they do that?!”_

_“She took them to the principal’s office for cheating on their final. They were going to have to go to summer school anyway so I guess they just said fuc…dge it.”_

Lexa sighs, exasperated at the almost curse.

_“I’ll never forgive Anya for cursing around you.”_

_“Oh come on. It’s not like we don’t hear it everywhere.”_

_“Shhhh…let me blame her. It’s more fun that way.”_

Costia laughs remembering the amount of bickering she’s had to witness over the years that stem from Lexa chastising her Aunt Anya for her foul mouth and Anya in turn coming up with the most vile combinations as a retort just to watch Lexa go all red out of spite.

_“Nine. There was this article going around of cutest animals in the wild and one of them looked like you.”_

_“Should I be flattered or offended?”_

_“It was this cute little monkey taking a shower on some hot springs and it was making the exact same face you make when you’re in a hot tub.”_

Costia giggles at Lexa’s mock offense.

_“The warm water plus the jets feel great. Sue me.”_

They look at each other for a long beat before they burst out laughing.

_“You’re funny ma.”_

_“I thought you said I wasn’t funny like five minutes ago."_

_“Okay, mildly funny. Only sometimes.”_

_“Whatever. I could’ve been a comedian.”_

_“You would be unemployed and we would’ve starved."_  

Costia takes a jab at Lexa and Lexa gasps.

_“Well, you’re going to starve now anyway. No more food for you.”_

_“Yeah, yeah.”_ Costia plays off what she knows are empty threats. _“Ten. Speaking of food, you should cook dinner tomorrow.”_ Costia allows the words to hang in the air. _“I miss your cooking.”_

_“I would love that. Any requests?”_

Costia shakes her head against Lexa’s chest.

_“No. Whatever you want as long as you make it.”_

_“I’ll think of something. Will you be my sous chef?”_

_“Yeah."_

_“Good.”_

_“Eleven. I found this page today that rates dogs. People send in the most adorable pictures of their dogs and whoever runs the account writes reviews for the dogs and it’s hilarious. I’ll show you tomorrow on my tablet because these pictures are too cute to show you on my phone. They’re like…next level adorable.”_

_“I’m excited alre…”_

Lexa’s sentence is interrupted by a deep, prolonged yawn and when that one is done another immediately follows it. Lexa’s eyes become watery and she proceeds to instinctively rub them. After a few beats of silence, Lexa yawns again. Following the display of irrefutable exhaustion, Costia and Lexa fall into comfortable stillness. Lexa closes her eyes and Costia looks up at her mother with eyes overflowing with wonder and admiration that she would never express this openly if anyone else were around. It had been some time since they had a night like this and the more rare these became the more Costia came to value them. It’s why instead of resuming with the remaining numbers on her list Costia takes a moment to purposely lay and simply take her mother in. The day she can get over her unreasonable embarrassment and absolutely unfounded hesitation Costia will be able to let Lexa know how much she truly looks up to her. Costia knew the reaction from Lexa would be nothing but loving yet somehow she never felt comfortable with actually saying the words _“You’re my hero and everything I wish I was”_ out loud.

When the thoughts inside her head get to be too overwhelming, Costia decides she needs to be distracted from them.  
  
_"Ma?"  
  
"Hmmm."_

Lexa hums while her eyes remain closed. _  
  
"Can I play you some stuff when it's done? They’re not ready yet but I want you to listen to them and tell me what you think."  
  
"Of course. You know I love to hear everything you make."_  
  
Costia smiles to herself, gleaming with pride.  
  
_"Okay."_  
  
Lexa pulls her closer and finally opens her eyes again lowering her chin to be able to look at the girl resting on her chest.  
  
_"Is that what you were working on now?"  
  
"Some of it."  
  
"I'm sure I'll love it."_  
  
Costia hums in agreement before they both fall silent for a couple of beats.  
  
_"Twelve. I think I really want to study music. Would that be okay?"  
  
"Honest?"  
  
"Honest."_  
  
_"Well, if it were up to me you'd go to school and study something...safe. But your mom had to scream at me once or twice to make it clear that college majors and careers are in fact not up to me so if music is what makes you happy then, I'll support that. With one condition though."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You have to finish high school and college is a must. Even if it's to get a degree in music, whatever it is, I want at least that much. Does that sound fair?"  
  
"I can do that."_  
  
Lexa extends her hand.  
  
_"We have a deal then? Whatever you want to do, even if it's art...you go to college."_  
  
Costia shakes and makes the commitment official.  
  
_"Deal."  
  
"I can't believe you're old enough to be talking about college. I can..."_  
  
Lexa's voice cracks and Costia recognizes that as the tell tale sign that Lexa might begin crying any second and she groans interrupting her mother.  
_  
"No crying ma."  
  
"You're so small still. Why are we talking about college? That's such a long time away. I can’t even imagine dropping you off somewhere with a bunch of strangers and leaving you there for years. That sounds insane to me. I’d hold on to you and not want to let you go. There would definitely be tears."  
  
"Yeah, but that's because you're such a cry baby."_  
_  
"Want to make another deal with me?"  
  
"Depends."_  
  
Costia looks up at Lexa waiting for her to expand.  
  
_"Don't ever be too cool for bedtime. I like bedtime. I want as many of these as I can get before you leave this very nice, safe, supervised room behind and trade it for a dirty dorm where – if your mom’s college track record is anything to go by – you’ll probably make some very questionable decisions."_

Lexa told her daughter mostly as a joke but also very much seriously. _  
  
"You're not always here for bedtime."_  
  
Lexa's guilt immediately floods her chest.  
_  
"I know. I'm trying to work on that."  
  
"Want to make a deal with me?"_  
  
Lexa looks at her curiously, wondering when her little girl got so smart.  
_  
"Sure, I'll bite. What's the deal?"  
  
"You're going to try and come home earlier so you can always be here for bedtime. Maybe not work on the weekends."  
  
"That's a Big deal."  
  
"I said try."  
  
"You did say that."_ Lexa looks at Costia attentively before leaning down and kissing her forehead. _"Deal."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Alright. It's time to sleep."  
  
"Ugh..."  
  
"Such a grouch."  
_  
Lexa laughs and Costia pushes her to the edge of the bed.  
  
_"Bye. You lost bed privileges."_  
  
Lexa giggles as she drops her leg to the floor stopping her from falling. Lexa manages to stand and bends over to place a lingering kiss on Costia's forehead.  
  
_"Are you going to sleep snug?"  
  
"Like a bug in a rug."_  
  
Costia replies without hesitation and Lexa turns off her bedside lamp before heading for the door.  
  
_"Goodnight baby."  
  
"Night ma. I love you."  
  
"Love you too."_  
  
Lexa whispers into the room as she closes the door knowing full well that Costia will just go back to playing the guitar with the lights off as soon as the tween thinks it’s safe for her to do so. Lexa ignored the nightly transgression because there was no fighting that. She wanted to at least continue with the effortless façade that Costia was still small enough to do as she was told and starting arguments about that not being the case seemed counterintuitive.

* * *

It's well past midnight and Lexa's eyes continue to work as they scan over complex legal documents that definitely require her to be at full mental capacity instead of whatever exhausted version of her this is, but she’s too stubborn to call it a night. Her workspace is separated into two distinct stacks of folders, each one living on opposite ends of her desk. One belongs to The Fishing Line case and the other to the ongoing Lucchese investigation.  
  
The instant everyone was in bed, Lexa retreated to her office and spent a couple of hours on the serial killer files but once her brain decided it was over absorbing information for that particular case she had moved on to going over the major pieces of evidence she continued to accumulate against the Luccheses. Lexa needed to confirm that she was remained objective about this because even though she had gone to virtually every judge in town in search for approval of a warrant that would allow her surveil the Luccheses, she somehow sat here…warrantless and sleep deprived. An embarrassing number of federal judges had passed on signing these warrants so she was down to the last name on her list: Roan Hoarfrost. She had already set up a meeting with him for Monday but – even though she all but could recite every word on these pages – Lexa still felt the urge to revisit them in an effort to be beyond certain that her case was as airtight as she knew it to be before she showed up to ask for a favor from the last person she would ever want to do so.  
  
Lexa places two folders in tandem. She looks back and forth between the documents on each one and scribbles a note on her yellow legal pad. Lexa only catches the door sliding open and the small body standing beyond it because she lifted her head to try and find the highlighter she had discarded earlier.  
  
_"Come on.”_  
  
Lexa whispers at the little boy hovering at the entrance and nods her head, signaling him to move inside. Jake softly closes the door behind him and does his best to make no noise before running over to the desk. As he approaches, Lexa rolls the chair back giving her son space to deftly jump on her lap. The instant he's sitting on his mother, Jake clumps a fistful of her Henley into his hands in the same way he's done every day since he was born and proceeds to nuzzle into Lexa's chest.  
  
_"Nightmares again?"_ Jake silently nods into her chest as Lexa begins to mindlessly flip through the pages in front of her. Clearly this is a pattern that is well rehearsed by now. _"You okay?"_ Jake nods once. _"Do you want to talk about it?"_ Jake shakes his head. He didn't like to talk much about the things that kept him awake at night. It often took a combination of the right mood and the correct circumstances to get him to open up and Lexa had learned that unless he was volunteering information it was better if she doesn’t push him. It was yet another way in which her son was very much like her. _"OK."_ Lexa opens another folder trying to find the pages she's looking for when she remembers something she's been meaning to talk to Jake about. _"Hey, by the way...can you please take it easy with Ro? She's little. Let her use her imagination."_

Jake, knowing full well what Lexa was referring to, instantly offers a stern rebuttal. _  
  
"I was little too and I never had fake friends."  
  
"Yeah, well...you guys are all different. There’s no need to call her out on it every time she brings them up. You're her big brother. I'm sure it hurts her feelings when you say her friends aren't real. They're real to her."  
  
"But shouldn't we be telling her they're not real?"  
  
"Jay, they're important to her. Please stop picking fights with her about it."  
_  
Lexa's tone indicates finality which forces Jake to concede.  
  
_"Okay."  
  
"Thank you. Can you pass me that folder?"_  
  
Lexa points to a folder that is out of reach because Jake's body limits her mobility. The boy effortlessly grabs it and places it atop the pile Lexa was just looking through. Lexa nods when she opens it and inside are the documents she wanted. She flips through a few pages in silence as Jake watches on. Once she lands on something that seems age appropriate, she pulls out the sheet of paper and hands it to the sleepy boy resting on her chest before leaning back into her chair. He quickly scans the page before looking up at Lexa.  
_  
"What's this one momma?"  
  
"It's the jury selection questionnaire. It's what the defense and the prosecution ask the people who have been called for jury duty to see if they're fit to serve."  
  
"Oh..."_  
  
Jake had trouble sleeping. He had since he was a toddler and it was difficult for him to sleep through the night without waking up at least once. Nights when he didn’t wake up were rare but they did happen and Lexa’s body cherished them because that meant she got a full night of interrupted sleep too. More often than not, nightmares are what woke the boy up and Lexa could tell by merely taking one good look at him if that was the reason he was suddenly awake in the dead of darkness. It had become normal for Lexa to still be working when Jake awoke and set out to look for her comfort so they had developed this routine where Lexa would find the most innocuous piece of paper she had on her desk and have him read it to her. He would ask questions about things he didn't know or didn't understand which Lexa would patiently answer in painstaking detail. Ordinarily, Jake would be asleep before they finished the second page and that is when Lexa knew to call it a night and head to bed herself. That didn’t necessarily mean Jake would go back to his own bed or to sleep by himself, especially if he had been particularly upset when he came to Lexa. It wasn't uncommon for Clarke to wake up the next morning to find either Jake curled up against Lexa's chest or Lexa crammed into his small bed sharing the tiny mattress with him.  
  
_"Do you remember what the jury does?"_  
  
Jake nods with confidence.  
  
_"They're the people who listen to all the evidence and then try to figure out if you get to put the bad guys in jail or not."  
  
"Good job!"_ Lexa kisses the top of his head. _"And how many people usually serve in a jury?"  
  
"Twelve."  
  
"You already know more than half my staff."_ Lexa jokes with him and Jake smiles. _"Do you want to start at the top?"_  
  
Jake nods and lifts the sheet of paper so that he can read.  
  
_"63. Have you ever served on a grand jury? Yes? No? If yes, was it state or federal and when was it?"_ Jake ponders for a second before he speaks again. _"What's a grand jury momma?"_  
  
Lexa runs her hands over his stomach as she hums trying to figure out the best way to explain this in terms he would understand.  
  
_"Well, sometimes before you go to trial you have to make sure you can charge someone. Do you remember what charging means?"_  
  
_"When you tell people you think someone did something bad?"_  
  
Jake asks with a slight hint of hesitation. Lexa squeezes his stomach and smothers his face in kisses.  
  
_"Good job Mr. Griffin-Woods!"_ Jake giggles at the funny feeling of Lexa's fingers rubbing against his skin. _"OK, well sometimes you have to put together a grand jury. Those usually happen in secret because you don't want to tell the bad guys you want to charge them. Also those have twenty three jurors not twelve. All you have to do is convince the jury that a crime might have been committed instead of proving beyond a reasonable doubt that it did so they're a little easier."  
  
"OH...have you done those momma?"  
  
"All the time."  
  
"And do you win them?"  
  
"You don't actually win those per se, but every time I've convened one I've come out with charges filed so I guess you could technically say I do."  
_  
Lexa winks at Jake with a proud smile.  
  
_"You have to show me how to be so good momma. I wanna win like you."  
  
"One conversation about college a day is all your mom can handle and Cos already beat you to it. Let's get you through elementary school first and we’ll worry about how good of a lawyer you’ll be later. Do you want to read the next one?"_  
  
Jake nods and immediately begins to read.  
  
_"64. Have you ever sat on a coroner’s jury? Yes? No? If yes, when and where?"_ Jake looks from the page up to Lexa. _"What's a coroner's jury?"_  
  
Lexa ponders how to respond before she sets off on the explanation he's looking for. Her answer only leads to more questions and they stay that way for the next forty something minutes. Jake falls asleep as Lexa tries to explain a term he didn't understand in question sixty eight.    
  
Once she hears the boy softly snoring, Lexa tidies her desk as best she can with one hand before turning off her desk lamp and throwing the eight year old over her shoulder. Jake instinctively wraps his long, thin legs around her waist and boroughs as far as he humanly can into his mother's neck.  
  
Any other night Lexa would have brought him to bed with her but the exhaustion of the Fishing Line case added atop the building pressure of the looming Lucchese investigation finally cracking wide open was starting to wear her down. She needed a good night’s sleep and that never happened when Jake was clinging onto her in his sleep so instead of spending the night together, she decided to drop him off in his room and crawl in bed with just Clarke.

* * *

** Saturday June 10th, 2028 **

Clarke lays in bed, resting her head on her bent arm, and looking down at her sleeping wife.  
  
_"Your second alarm went off fifteen minutes ago."_  
  
Lexa whimpers a half grunt in response. A smile creeps up Clarke's face because she hears that same reaction from Costia every morning when she tries to drag the pre-teen out of bed. Clarke leans forward and begins peppering kisses up and down Lexa's naked back.  
  
Now that the kids have reached an age where they've (for the most part) stopped sneaking into their mothers’ bed unannounced, Lexa has found herself falling back into her old college habit of sleeping naked. It took Lexa one single night to discover that there was something warm and welcoming about Clarke's body heat and she hated having anything keeping her from it. This meant that, more often than not, Lexa found herself topless if not full on nude by the time she got under the covers. Clarke never once complained.  
  
Clarke trails her fingers up and down Lexa's biceps while ghosting kisses on every inch of exposed skin she finds.  
  
_"Wake up."_  
  
Clarke whispers into Lexa's skin.  
  
_"Shhhh."_  
  
Clarke plants a few more kisses before she speaks again.  
  
_"You guys are going to be late."_  
  
_"He doesn't need baseball. It's not that great of a sport anyway."_  
  
That comment gets a laugh out of Clarke. She throws a glance over her shoulder at the digital clock on her nightstand.  
  
It's 7:17 AM on a Saturday morning, which meant that Jake and Lexa had Little League practice at 9:00 AM. Everyone knew that if the green eyed pair didn't get at least two hours of awake time before practice then they somehow managed to always be late. It's never great when the coach is not there on time yet somehow it happened more than it should because Lexa really appreciated her sleep and especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  
  
They were between seasons and Jake has been benched since he broke his nose in April but Lexa was still one of the coaches and that meant they continued to attend practice on Saturdays and every other Tuesday. Much to his chagrin, all Jake could do since the unfortunate day when his face became intimately acquainted with a bat was watch, cheer, and give notes from the sidelines. Because of this, he quickly earned the title of "Assistant Coach" during those practices.  
  
_"Alexandria..."_ Clarke playfully digs her teeth into Lexa's shoulder. _"...get up."_  
  
Lexa's throat emits a sound that falls somewhere between a groan and a whimper before she turns her head to look at Clarke over her shoulder. Her eyes are barely open, but just enough that she can see Clarke's blurry outline. Clarke smiles, shakes her head in disapproval, and leans down to kiss Lexa. Lexa lethargically responds. Once she feels her wife is sufficiently kissed, Clarke pulls back with a bright smile.  
  
_"Good morning."  
  
"It's too early."  
  
"I don't get you. You wake up on your own at five every morning during the week and you're fine but getting you out of bed during the weekends is like pulling teeth."_  
  
Lexa grunts a short, husky moan in response. Clarke moves the hair from Lexa's neck and leans down to kiss her pulse point.  
  
_"Wake up Coach."_  
  
The kiss is rewarded with a second gravelly moan but this time it's one of pleasure rather than displeasure. The tiniest of smiles creeps on Lexa's face.  
  
_"You like that?"_  
  
Clarke kisses her pulse point again and Lexa's smile widens. Clarke kisses her a third time and Lexa's smile is undeniable now. When Clarke kisses her pulse point a fourth time Lexa can't help but let a full moan escape her parted lips. That was all the encouragement Clarke needed. Clarke's hand snakes around Lexa's stomach and she pulls her wife close, close enough that Lexa's bare back is now pressed firmly against her nude front. The contact, accompanied by an ever growing number of kisses and nibbles being dropped on her pulse point, elicits another moan out of Lexa.  
  
_"Are you going to get up?"_  
  
Clarke asks in between kisses. Lexa softly shakes her head and grumbles what sounds like a 'nu uh'.  
  
_"Oh...no?"_ The hand that rested above Lexa's flat stomach now begins to wander. _"You're not going to?"_  
  
Lexa grunts another 'nu uh'. Clarke's fingers toy with the elastic of Lexa's boxer briefs.  
  
_"You really should get up."_  
  
Clarke insists as her hands cross the flimsy barrier established by the only piece of clothing Lexa currently wears. Once Clarke's fingers make contact with Lexa's most sensitive cluster of nerves both her eyes fly open.  
  
_"There you are."_ Clarke looks down at Lexa and smiles as the dexterous movement of her fingers makes Lexa's back arch away from her. _"Good morning."  
_  
Lexa's once even breath now comes in brief, shallow huffs.  
  
_"Mor...ahh."_ Lexa's word is interrupted by an involuntary moan that makes Clarke's smile grow. _"Morning."  
  
"You need to get out of bed."_  
  
Lexa looks up at her bed headed, freshly woken up wife and notices that the familiar bright blue eyes are half lided, dilated, and darkened instead.  
  
_"You have_ **really** _strange ways of convincing me."_  
  
Lexa's right leg instinctively hooks over Clarke's hip giving her wife yet more access. Clarke welcomes the incentive and she deftly slips inside her wife in one swift movement. Lexa is most definitely fully awake now.  
  
_"Two minutes ago you were sleeping, now you're not. You can shit on my methods all you want but they're clearly effective."_  
  
Clarke's fingers hook inside Lexa and Lexa's head shoots up making her lips capture Clarke's.  
  
_"You should really get up."_  
  
Clarke whispers against Lexa's lips as a devilish smile creeps on her face.  
  
_"You're the worst."_  
  
Lexa manages to mumble out in between her brisk panting.

* * *

Twenty two minutes later Lexa rushes out of the bathroom still braiding her damp hair and wearing form fitting navy blue, nylon tights paired with a racerback tank top that has a built in bra and mesh accents of the same navy tone. Lexa fishes for a hair band from the top drawer and ties it around the end of the braid, securing her wavy hair in place.  
  
Clarke walks into the room wearing roomy, cotton short shorts and a red and gray t-shirt with no bra. She was the portrait of disheveled domesticity. Lexa faces her dresser giving Clarke a prime view of the perfect shape of her toned behind and the view prompts a resounding hum out of Clarke. Clarke really does appreciate Lexa's expansive sportswear collection.  
  
At the sound, Lexa turns to her wife and cocks her eyebrow.  
  
_"Do not. That's what made me late to begin with."_  
  
They smile playfully at each other.  
  
_"What's the point of being married if I'm not allowed to look?"_  
  
Lexa faces back to her dresser and starts to collect everything she needs to leave the house. She slides her phone into her back pocket before grabbing her sunglasses and pulling out a few bills followed by a metro card form her wallet.  
  
_"Oh, you can look. Ogle all you want, just keep your hands to yourself."_  
  
Clarke closes the distance between them, pivots her wife’s body forcing Lexa to face her, and wraps her arms around Lexa's waist. Both of Clarke’s open palms end up barely ghosting over Lexa's glutes.  
  
_"Is that so?"_  
  
_"Yes."_ Lexa smiles and eliminates the space between their faces giving a soft yet short lived kiss. _"Because your hands always get us in trouble."  
  
"Do they?"  
_  
Clarke brings her hands down to brazenly squeeze Lexa's ass. Lexa's rolls her eyes and shakes her head.  
  
_"Yes."_ Lexa pecks Clarke once more. _"They definitely do."  
  
"Shame. I love my hands on you. Also...for the record…what made you late was you ignoring your alarm, definitely not my hands..."_ Clarke lowers her voice and leans toward Lexa, a devilish smile plastered on her face. _"...in you."_  
  
Lexa's face lights up and turns bright red. She will never get used to Clarke crossing every decorum line whenever she gets a chance. Ever.  
  
_"See...trouble."  
  
"It's not my fault you look hot in those pants."  
  
"You got me these pants."  
  
"Because I knew you'd look hot in them. I like my eye candy to be nicely wrapped."_  
  
Clarke shrugs and Lexa chuckles.  
  
_"You're trouble."  
  
"Thought we established that already."_  
  
Lexa leans down to kiss her before moving away. Clarke isn’t quite done yet so she proceeds to steal another peck before filling Lexa in on some unexpected developments.  
  
_"O stopped by when you were in the shower to drop Luke and Lia off. Client called last minute and she couldn't take him to practice so he's going with you and Jake."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"Ro and Li are playing in Ro's room. The boys are at the table having cereal."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Remind Jake that just because he got out of a shower this morning, doesn't mean he's skipping one today in general."  
  
"I will be sure to tell him."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay."_  
  
They silently stare at each other but neither moves.  
  
_"I can't go unless you let go of me."  
  
"But my hands feel great right here."_  
  
Clarke compresses Lexa's ass once, much more gently this time.  
  
_"You're a pain in my ass. Literally."  
  
"Isn't that what wives are supposed to be?"_  
  
_"I guess so."_ They peer at each other for a few more seconds before Lexa brings her hands to rest on top of Clarke's and removes them from her buttocks. _"Alright Handsy. I have to go."_ Lexa leans in to quickly kiss her wife. _"Love you Griffin."_  
  
Clarke leans in to steal one more kiss because she truly can never have enough of those.  
  
_"Love you more Woods."_  
  
With that, Lexa heads for the door and takes off to find her son and her nephew. 

That Saturday was the last morning Lexa ever left the apartment to go to baseball practice with Jake.

* * *

Lexa and Jake lay on the grass sweaty, sticky, and zonked. Practice isn’t really what tended to wear them down; it’s the tomfoolery that happened once they were alone after practice was over that always left Lexa gasping for air on the floor. Today had not been the exception to that tradition.

Lexa didn't really have much time to spare these days because saying work had been hectic was an absolute understatement. No matter how packed her schedule became during the week and how often the demands of the job seemed to make her miss their Tuesday afternoon Little League practices lately, Lexa always made certain to set aside time on Saturdays because these are the kind of mornings she lived for. Coaching the Tribeca Warriors had become one of her biggest priorities in life because not only did it afford her time with her son but Lexa had actually come to enjoy both the game itself and the coaching aspect that came along with it. The sport also allowed Lexa some respite from the high-pressure demands of her job as Manhattan’s First Assistant District Attorney. It wasn’t solely the game itself that Lexa treasured, it was also how much Jake loved playing it and how insanely talented he was at it. It was no secret to anyone in the state’s Little League circuit that Jake was by far one of the most promising players in general but certainly the most talented up-and-coming Short Stop many had seen in quite some time. Jacob Griffin-Woods was a name coaches across the league had come to learn this year as he rose to prominence as a leading defensive player in their division.

Jake had plenty of shortcomings – most notably of all his lack of social skills – but none of them mattered when he was out in the field. It’s why the game was so important to him. Baseball presented Jake with the opportunity to not only do something he had a true passion for but to also exist as a valued member of a community where his ability to make friends was not directly tied to his value or success.  
  
Initially sports had been a last ditch effort Clarke and Lexa sought out in an attempt to get Jake out of the house and around other kids his age. They tried a few different things that never truly clicked with him before they landed on baseball. Lexa hadn't known much about baseball at all when they showed up for practice that first Saturday three years ago but once Lexa saw how invested her son became in the game she devoted herself to learning all she could about it. When that was the thing Jake finally felt a connection to and actively chose to participate in, then Lexa made it a point to go out and buy as many books as she could in order to educate herself on all the rules and history of the game. Now this was yet another thing they had in common. Practice and going to Yankee Stadium to watch games every so often was their "thing". No one else ever dared to invite themselves because people knew better. When it came to watching baseball, Jake and Lexa would go into their own little world and spend the entirety of the game throwing statistics and game lingo back and forth.

Today had been the first Saturday practice since they lost the division finals the week prior and that meant it was a grueling one. Lexa pushed the boys hard because she had every intention to avoid a repeat of that loss and taking the title during the upcoming fall season. Jake and Lexa’s post practice routine always included ice cream and the sugar rush of the ice cream usually devolved into running after each other which is exactly why they were now laying on the floor in this condition. Jake quietly stared at the sky while he patiently waited for Lexa’s shallow breathing to return to normal. Once he felt enough time had passed, he broke the silence.  
  
_"Ma."  
  
"Hmmm."  
  
"Can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Hmmm."_  
  
Lexa hummed because talking right now felt like way too much effort.  
  
_"How did you know you liked mom?"_  
  
Lexa turned her head to look at her grimy son and opened just one eye.  
  
_"What do you mean?"  
  
"How did you know you liked her as more than a friend?"_  
  
The moment the words left Jake’s mouth a slight tint of red on stained his cheeks. He was clearly trying to hide his embarrassment but doing quite a lackluster job at it. This peaked Lexa's interest and she decides to tease him a little.  
  
_"You’re going all red kid."_  
  
This only made Jake blush further which in turn made him visibly flustered.  
  
_"I...uhm...nevermind."_  
  
Lexa laughs.  
  
_"Hey. It's okay."  
  
"No it's fine. Forget it."  
  
"Come on. Don't be like that. Why do you want to know?"  
  
"No reason."  
  
"Your cheeks beg to differ. Who is she?"_  
  
There was a slightly long pause before Jake said anything again and when he did, his words were low and undeniably hesitant.  
  
“ _I think I like a boy, not a girl. Would that be okay?"_  
  
Those words captured Lexa's full attention and she turned her whole body to face her son. She lifted her head and rested it on her arm to look at him fully.  
  
_"Of course. Of course that would be okay. It's not about the gender of the person; it's about the feelings. Your mom's a girl and I love her very much. There's nothing wrong with you liking a boy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."  
  
"People sometimes say mean things about you and mom. Would they say mean things about me if I liked a boy?"  
_  
_"There are always going to be bad people who say bad things Jay. You can't let them stop you from doing the things that would make you happy."_  
  
Jake looked away contemplating those words.  
  
_"Not even if they're mean?"  
  
"Specially if they're mean. We have to show the mean people that they're wrong. The only way we can do that is by being happy."  
  
"So you and mom would be okay if I had a crush on a boy?"_  
  
Jake asks more confidently.  
  
_"Baby, there's nothing you could do that would make your mom and I stop loving you. Specially not you having nice feelings for someone else."  
  
"I'm not the baby anymore. Not since Roa."  
  
"All of you are still babies to me. I refuse to believe how big any of you are getting."  
  
"I'm a big guy though. I'm about to be nine soon."  
  
"You _**are** _big.”_ They fall into comfortable silence as Lexa figures out the best way to carry on with the conversation without pushing him. _“I want you to know how proud of you I am for being brave and sharing this. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I hope you know you can always come to me with anything."  
  
"I know. Can you not tell mommy though?"_  
  
_"Why not?"  
  
"I don't know. At least for now. Just you."  
  
"Okay. I won't tell her."_  
  
Lexa’s elbow was digging into the ground and the bits of rock pressing into her skin were becoming uncomfortable so she decides to fall on her back once more but as she did she dragged Jake flush against her.  
  
_"So you want to know how I knew I liked your mom?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"She's always been a handful. Her and her friends set my backyard on fire but even then she still was trying to get things her way."  
  
"We've heard the fire story mom. A million times."  
  
"No need to be a brat. Don't tell me you're turning into Costia."  
  
"No. She's mean."  
  
"Just a little. I think she gets that from your mom."  
  
"She gets it from you."  
  
"She does not. I'm not mean."  
_  
_"You're a little mean sometimes. Especially to the bad guys in court."  
  
"Well…they deserve it. Do you want me to tell you the story or not?"_  
  
Jake laughs.  
  
_"Okay. You're not mean. Tell me."  
  
"I'll tell you, if you tell me about this boy that is making your cheeks go all red."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"So, I met your mom when I was a junior in college and she was a freshman..."  
  
"You're talking about me?"_ The familiar voice interrupts Lexa just as a body moves to stand above them casting a shadow and blocking out the sun from their faces. Lexa looks up to see Clarke holding Roa in her arms with Costia and Anya in tow. Lexa immediately smiles at seeing her whole family together.  
  
_"What are you doing here?"  
  
"I've been trying to call your cell for like an hour."  
  
"Oh yeah...I guess I forgot to charge it last night and it died. Sorry."  
  
"We're hungry and we were going to Grounders. Figured I'd check if you guys were here before we headed over. Good thing you two are predictable."_  
  
_"We just had ice cream..."  
  
"Of course you did."  
  
"But I could use some real food.” _ Lexa turns to her son. _“Food?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay."_  
  
Lexa nods and starts to stand, pulling Jake with her in the process. The moment he’s up Jake runs towards Costia and Anya to fill them in on practice. Once she was at eye level with Clarke, her wife runs her hands over her face getting dirt off of it.  
  
_"You guys are so gross right now."_  
  
That prompts Lexa’s mischievous side and she leans in to kiss Clarke. Clarke barely pecks her before she pushes Lexa away.  
  
_"You need at least three showers before you get more of that."_  
  
Lexa laughs and moves on to kiss the six year old in Clarke's arms.  
  
_"Hi Roro."_  
  
The little girl squeals and brings her arms up so that her mom can take her.  
  
_"Hi momma!"_  
  
Lexa holds the child and covers her with kisses before putting her down.  
  
_"You're too big to be carried around Ro. Your mom just likes to spoil you."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Go play."_  
  
Lexa urges her on and to her surprise Roa takes off after her sisters without much hesitation. Clarke and her watch their four kids chase each other around the park.  
  
_"How was practice?"  
  
"Long. I think they'll have a good season in the fall though. He made some great observations about other players today. He's so good Clarke. I feel like if he really wants to he could make it."_  
  
_"He's eight. Let's not start making career predictions."  
  
"I know. I was just saying."_  
  
Clarke bumps her shoulder against Lexa and smiles at her to show her she wasn't being serious. Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s midriff as they look at the kids running and laughing a few feet away.  
  
_"He has a crush."_  
  
At the words, Clarke practically squeals in excitement.  
  
_"What? Who?!"  
  
"I don't know much. You kind of barged in on the conversation. Even if I did know, he asked me not to tell you."  
  
"Sorry we thought of inviting you guys to come eat. If you charged your phone more often maybe you could still be getting us the gossip."  
  
"There is no gossip. He told me not to tell."  
  
"Lex...you already told me."  
  
"I did not. I haven't said a word."  
  
"You just haven’t told me who and if I wanted to find out I would."  
  
"I'm a vault. You can't get anything from me."_  
  
Clarke leans in to kiss her. The kiss is deep and passionate and intense and more sensual than any kiss should be when taking place in the middle of Central Park at two in the afternoon and with children all around. Just when Lexa starts to melt into it Clarke backs away.  
  
_"No more of that until you tell me."_  
  
Lexa growls when she realizes she just played right into Clarke's trap. Clarke smiles as she begins to walk away.  
  
_"That is so evil. You're evil you know that?"  
  
"I'd kiss you to prove you otherwise but..."_  
  
Clarke shrugs and turns to walk away but Lexa blurts the words out.  
  
_"It's a boy. He has a crush on a boy. That's all I got and if you tell him I told you I'm moving out and taking him with me."_  
  
Clarke doubles back and kisses Lexa.  
  
_"You’re a terrible vault babe."_  
  
They both laugh.  
  
_"It's not my fault I married the sneakiest person I've ever met and I deal with criminals all day."  
  
"I'm not sure if that was a compliment but I'm going to take it as one for your sake."  
  
"Are you going to try and get more out of him?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm sure it'll come up again once we're alone. I don't want to push it either. You know how he gets."_  
  
Lexa was right. The topic did come up again next time they were alone. That moment just didn’t happen until four days later.

Jake miraculously slept soundly every night until Wednesday morning meaning him and Lexa they didn’t get any of their late night one-on-one time and developments in the Lucchese case meant Lexa's week got upended. She left home early and came home past bedtimes for the entire first half of the next week. On top of that, because of Costia’s year end dance recital they both had to miss Jake's Tuesday practice. Lexa’s curiosity and urgent need to finish this conversation lead her to ask Clarke to drop him off at her office on Wednesday afternoon so the two of them could have a night out alone.  
  
As they were finally leaving Lexa's office that Wednesday, Jake had started talking about his crush again. A series of loud pops stopped that conversation on its tracks and Lexa never really got to hear about the boy Jake was so infatuated with.  
  
There's a lot of things that hurt Lexa about her son’s death but not knowing every detail of the thing that seemed to make him overjoyed in the last weeks of his life might be the biggest one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I've been saving to give people a full picture of what everyone in that family truly lost the day Jake died. This is who they were before the shooting. This is what they had with each other. This is what their "normal" looked like. They weren't perfect but they came quite fucking close to it. It's why the aftermath FUCKING HURT as bad as it did. They knew what they had before and then they knew who they'd never be again. That's a hard pill to swallow for anyone but especially children and for people who love each other as much as these women do.
> 
> Anyway...if you've ever enjoyed any part of this story whether it be this chapter in particular, any of the other chapters, or any of the things I've made as supplements to the story like the soundtrack, graphics, or social media AUs then maybe consider donating a dollar or five thousand to my Gofundme. The point I'm at in my career right now is one of those things where if everything goes right I could be one step closer to make media like this story a reality. If QPOC making diverse content is important to you at all then please support my fundraising efforts. I'd be forever thankful :)
> 
> Next up...the much anticipated ultimatum! I can write so much faster if I'm not stressed about my project. I'm not promising that donations will make me update quicker...but they *might* :D That chapter is probably mostly written so I could crank it out soon-ish if it serves as an incentive??????
> 
> Here's the link to the campaign again so you don't have to scroll all the way up: https://www.gofundme.com/kg-cddp
> 
> \---
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


	34. Late November 2030

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE ULTIMATUM IS HERE!!! All 16.7k words of it :)
> 
> Yeah yeah...it's been 4.5 months. I get it but a lot has been happening in my life and it kept getting in the way of this but I'm back and here it is. Honestly this is one of those chapters that I could tweak and rewrite for literally the rest of my life because I think there are so many little variations that could make HUGE differences so trust me when I tell you this is probably version #83985384953854. The core concept has always been the same but the dialogue is what has been tweaked and toyed with for a long time. Years actually. This was one of the first chapters I wrote. Easily one of the first three but if not definitely top five. This has been the spine of this story for so long that I'm pretty attached and partial to this chapter. 
> 
> Fair warning about updates, on Tuesday I got exclusively signed as a screenwriter/director to a company's talent roster so my life is about to get even crazier than it has been. Fret not though...no, I won't ever abandon this. It's just that the days of the daily updates are long gone. On the upside, we're on the home stretch and there's only three more main chapters after this. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Obviously this is a tricky chapter so proceed with caution. I don't do "trigger warnings" but if you're sensitive then maybe don't read it. I don't think there's anything in it that would require this disclaimer but I figured I'd put it out there anyway. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

**Late November 2030**  

_"Come on! Come get it bubba."_

_"Come here."_

Clarke and Lexa are sprawled face down atop the colorful, tiled, foam playmat that now covers the alabaster living room carpet. Aden lays on his stomach, just out of reach, on the opposite end of the mat. The six month old’s comically chubby arms and legs flail uncoordinatedly before he lifts his head and gurgles as he locks his eyes on his most prized possession: his pacifier. His eyes keenly follow Clarke's hand as she waves it around in an attempt to entice him to move closer. The boy coos and giggles while thrashing his limbs around and - despite the chaos of it all - there seems to be an undertone of syncopation to it, one that his mothers can’t help but revel in.

Aden has been on the verge of crawling for weeks now but for some reason he hasn't quite mastered the art of dragging his body around surfaces just yet. The aloof infant seems to always give it a handful of tries if only to appease whichever mother is doing her best to bribe him before he grows impatient and loses his temper. Clarke has a feeling they're nearing the _"I'm done with this"_ stage fairly quickly but she had decided to do one last attempt this afternoon. That's how and why her and her forty one year old wife ended up in this position.

_"Come here baby."_

Lexa shakes one of the most colorful and loud toys they had readily available to entice the baby.

_"Do you want Chewy? Here's Chewy."_

Aden smiles and babbles when Clarke extends her hand and rattles the pacifier once more. At once, the little guy finds himself on his arms and knees, swinging back and forth a few times. Clarke and Lexa look at each other then grow suddenly quiet with anticipation. They watch the chubster lift his left hand from the floor for as long as it takes them to blink and right when it looks like he will get some forward momentum he flops with a chunky thud onto the floor instead and screeches. Yeah, he's definitely done.

Clarke lets her head drop for a split second before promptly scooting over to where the shrieking boy thwacks and hands him the pacifier to soothe him while simultaneously picking him up and crawling back towards Lexa. She slyly takes advantage of the fact that Lexa had switched positions and tumbled down on her back to lay the baby atop her wife’s stomach.

_"You're making this so difficult."_

The thirty eight year old jokingly chastises the baby while she wiggles her fingers across his oversized belly. Aden giggles loudly without allowing the pacifier to come loose from between his lips and smacks his open palms against his bare chest.

 _"You just like being carried around like a king don't you?"_ Lexa holds both of Aden’s hands and wraps each of them around one of her pointer fingers so she can wave them around as she speaks. The baby takes this as an invitation and lunges to wrap his plumpish arms around her neck with a cackle. _"You're spoiled."_

Lexa tenderly whispers into her son’s ear before prying him from the nape of her neck. She lifts him then almost instantly hangs him upside down in the air while she barrages his face with a plethora of sloppy kisses. Clarke peers, taking in every bit of the unfolding moment in silence.

When they're like this, just the three of them, Clarke can see a different side of Lexa. Well, maybe not a different side but one she believed was gone forever. When she is holding their son, Clarke can see the old Lexa. The one who hung her head back in laughter when her children did something funny. The one who would tell fantastical stories of warriors and battles in the middle of the night when babies would refuse to sleep. The one who would make up entire conversations with children before they could even talk. When other people are around, Lexa reverts to being distant and glacial but when it's just them and their baby boy, Clarke has instants where she can trick herself into almost feeling as if nothing has happened. For a split second she can pretend they haven't lost damn near everything. Clarke takes in every moment and detail of Lexa's carefree interactions with Aden because, in the back of her mind, she can't help but wonder if this is the last one she'll get to witness. Experiencing on a daily basis how hot and cold Lexa can be forces Clarke to treat every second of warmth she gets as if it came from the last few embers of a dying fire. The perpetual, underlying dread that it could all end at any moment is why Clarke allows herself to lean in and insert herself between Lexa and the baby to plant a brief kiss on Lexa's lips. Lexa turns to look at Clarke and wordlessly grins before turning back her full attention to the infant bouncing in her arms.

 _"You_ **are** _spoiled. Rotten."_ Clarke brings one of Aden’s hands up to her mouth to bite it gently before kissing it. _"Won't even drag your butt to come get Chewy."_

_"Jake was already crawling by now."_

Costia's acrid voice cuts through Aden's laughter and the mood in the room instantly shifts. Clarke looks past the baby in Lexa's arms to find fifteen year old Costia hovering at the entryway with nine year old Roa standing next to her.

Clarke, already exhausted by an argument that hasn’t even started, makes it a point to ignore Costia's comment. When she doesn't see her thirteen year old daughter standing with the other two or hear a third set of footsteps moving around the house she squints and decides to redirect the conversation in the hopes that this will stop the would-be conversation in its tracks.

_"Where's Nana?"_

Without missing a beat, Costia spits back.

 _"Am I supposed to be keeping track of her too? I thought you were the parent. She could be dead and you wouldn't even notice. Not since this one."_ Costia lifts her chin in the direction of the boy. _"I guess it wouldn't make a difference. You and Lexa would just have another one and replace her. It's that easy apparently."_

Time and the new baby started to make things better at home. As Aden grew and they moved further away from how traumatic his birth was, Clarke noticed that there was a steady increase in laughter and a decrease in tears. The mood in the apartment changed because it seemed impossible to be upset when there's a little ball of joy and innocence around. Every member of the family felt more carefree to Clarke. Each of them seemed to finally have a semblance of their old selves back, not just Lexa. Oft times it felt like everyone had found the perfect excuse to - at least pretend to - reset the clock back a few years, everyone except Costia that is. Clarke catches fleeting glimpses where she believes Costia genuinely enjoys the baby but she also can’t help but notice that the more Costia sees Lexa and Aden interact the more bitter she gets. The most taxing part is that Clarke isn’t wrong. Costia is rancorous. Costia resents the fact that this baby exists because that baby almost killed her mom. Costia begrudges that baby because the moments they have with him, those moments should be for Jake and not some other kid. That giggling should be caused by her silly little brother - the only brother she should have - and not this little blonde boy who looks nothing like Jake or smells like him or laughs like him. For as great as things seemed to be on the surface, there's an inexorable, Aden sized rift in the family and its tense to say the least. This rift is especially irrefutable between Lexa and Costia because much as Clarke has surmised, Costia simply can not handle seeing Lexa with Aden. Not after the way she'd been with Jake. Not after what happened. To Costia no one should be okay with this but particularly not Lexa.

Clarke exhales in exasperation.

_"When are we going to stop doing this Costia?"_

_"Stop doing what?!"_

Costia screams at Clarke impatiently.

 _"This."_ Clarke makes a circular motion indicating the room and all of them. _"You need to stop."_

_"Truth hurts doesn't it? But guess what? He's not Jake. He never will be."_

Lexa hastily sits up and unceremoniously hands the baby over the Clarke who barely has time to hold him properly before Lexa is on her feet and harshly brushing past Costia.

 _"Lex..."_ Within seconds the front door is opening and closing with an empty clunk behind Lexa. Clarke's body jumps slightly at the slamming of the door and she turns her fiery eyes to her eldest. _"I am over the attitude. So over it Costia."_ Clarke lays the baby on the mat while she stands to be at eye level with Costia. _"Cut it out."_

Clarke and Costia stare at each other in a clear stand-off.

_"Since when is me pointing out facts considered 'having an attitude'?"_

_"Ro, go to your room."_

_"Nah, she can stay."_ Costia pulls her sister closer to her and the little girl immediate wraps her arms around her waist. _"What are you going to say that she can't hear? You don't want her to know that if anything happened to her you'd just pop another one out?"_

_"Costia, you're pushing it."_

_"Pushing what?! Isn't that what you did?! Jake died and the_ **first** _chance you got you and Lexa went out and bought yourselves a substitute baby. Tell me how that is wrong?"_

_"We do this every day Costia. Every day. Isn't it old yet? You know the answer to that."_

_"‘He's not a replacement.’"_ Costia mocks Clarke as she attempts to imitate her. _"Then what is he? Explain it. We're doing_ 'this' _because you still haven't."_

_"He's your brother."_

_"I had a brother. He died. You guys seem to forget that, I don't."_

Costia spits out dryly.

 _"Costia. Stop._ **STOP!** _"_

_"Whatever."_

Costia rolls her eyes and turns her body taking Roa with her. They head for the hallway that leads to the bedrooms.

_"Where is your sister?"_

Costia turns to glare at Clarke.

_"If you gave a fuck or even pretended to pay attention to us for a change instead of only having time for Lexa and the replacement you'd know Nana had her semifinals today."_

_"Her game got pushed to Wednesday because of the storm."_

_"Today is Wednesday!"_ Clarke's face falls and Costia shakes her head before disappearing down the hallway. _"They fucking won by the way. She's out with her friends celebrating. I told her to be home by nine."_

Within seconds Costia's bedroom door is banged shut. Clarke exhales loudly and runs her hands through her hair.

_"Fuck."_

* * *

Aden’s soft snores and the comical sound he makes when he continuously suck on his pacifier serve as the original soundtrack to Clarke’s fruitless attempt to distract herself. Her mind still races while her hands dutifully trace the soft features of the peaceful baby that lays beside her onto the sketchpad resting on her lap. Clarke begins to delineate the outline of Aden’s button shaped nose when she hears the front door open. Clarke unintentionally holds her breath and sends a silent prayer out into the universe. 

For a long time after Aden was born Lexa didn’t leave home. She was there, she was present. She changed diapers and fed bottles and was as devoted as she had been with any of the other children. Clarke felt there was sense of overwhelming guilt behind Lexa’s actions but even after Clarke sat Lexa down and told her she wasn’t holding on to the fact that she hadn’t been there for Aden’s birth Clarke still sensed the guilt emanating from Lexa. To this day Clarke has never figured out where it’s stemming from.

For a long while after Aden was born Lexa didn’t leave home but that started to change within the last few months. The more venomous Costia became the more Lexa retracted and then one day it happened again, one day Lexa walked out and didn’t come back for hours. Lexa’s mood has begun to deteriorate and the absences are becoming progressively longer. This is the longest Lexa has been gone since the day of the c-section so Clarke bargains with the universe. She pleads to have it send her wife back because she’s not ready to deal with this daily ordeal a second time. When that door opens Clarke holds onto her silent prayer and begs that it’s her wife returning home but the gait of the steps instantly tell her it’s not who she was expecting most.

Thirteen year old Anya pops her head into the living room and smiles when she comes across her mom. Clarke matches her daughter’s warm smile and greets her tenderly.

_“Hi.”_

_“I’m sorry I’m late. We kinda lost track of time.”_

It’s twenty past ten and Clarke would be lying if she said that she had even noticed Anya wasn’t home yet.

 _“You’re fine.”_ Clarke scoots over and pats the space she occupied until now, inviting Anya to sit next to her. _“Come here.”_

Anya does as she’s told and begins to remove the straps from her soccer duffle bag from over her shoulder quickly followed by slipping the bookbag she carried on her back. Both are unceremoniously discarded by the couch as she plops down onto it. The moment she hits the cushions Anya realizes she may have been too forceful. Both her and Clarke look over at the baby with a grimace tight on their faces but instead of waking up, all Aden does is roll over and push his pacifier further into his mouth. Once they’re sure the baby is not going to scream himself awake, Clarke and Anya look at each other. Anya instantly grins forcing her nose to do it’s distinctive scrunch. Clarke brings her hands up to her daughter’s face and gently pushes away all the stray hair covering her delicate features.

There was something about Anya that felt marvelous to Clarke. Clarke assumes it’s why she often caught herself staring at her daughter in utter wonder. Out of all the kids Anya often felt the most “theirs”; she felt like the most sublime combination of Clarke and Lexa. When Clarke looked at her daughter, she saw herself but felt her wife. Anya’s tranquil, contemplative demeanor and her unassuming intellect paired with her everlasting love for literature were things she could have only gotten from Lexa. Costia and Roa had huge chunks of Griffin in their personalities and she could find bits of herself peeking through them on a daily basis but she really had to nitpick with Anya in order to do the same. There was very little of her in her second eldest’s temperament and Clarke was more than okay with that.

_“You have dirt all over you.”_

_“Occupational hazard. How was your day?”_

Clarke chuckles at both the joke and the question. She pulls Anya towards her chest before kissing the top of the teenager’s head. Anya sinks into her mother’s chest and Clarke smiles at the outpouring of affection. There weren’t many places Clarke could find comfort in these days but Anya was undoubtedly near the top of the list. Whereas Costia was always too angry to allow for a quiet moment like this and Roa was hitting that age where she was becoming “too cool” to be loved on, Anya never stopped being soft with Clarke and Clarke was more thankful for that than she could ever express.

Anya had this air of adulthood to her that always caught Clarke off guard. It’s yet another thing Clarke attributes to her wife because that is exactly how she always pictures Lexa as a kid. Even before her sister-in-law confirmed it, Clarke was certain Lexa was what she calls a “forever adult” which is just what their daughter has been since her first day. Regardless of the fact that Clarke was perpetually in awe of how mature Anya could be, she also couldn’t help but wonder if that was more a result of nurture than nature and they were the ones who had done that to her. Clarke would find herself thinking that maybe her and Lexa had forced Anya to grow up before she needed to. She doesn’t believe they ever purposefully neglected Anya but even as a baby, she was the one who demanded the least amount of their time and attention. As the house became fuller with children and in turn more hectic, Clarke can’t deny that Anya sometimes got lost in the chaos created by her siblings. Clarke’s heart constricts every time the thought pops into her head because she wonders what effect that could’ve had on her bright eyed girl and if there was anything she could’ve done over the years to remedy it.

_“It was good. Aden projectile vomited over a half a million dollar sculpture at the gallery but we won’t tell anyone about that.”_

Anya cackles and looks up at Clarke while motioning as if she was zipping her lips shut. 

_“How’s momma?”_

Clarke sighs.

_“She’s not home.”_

_“Costia?”_

Clarke nods and without adding anything else she pulls Anya back towards her chest.

_“It won’t be like this forever. I’ve tried talking to Cos and I think she’ll come around but you know how she is...she just has to be dramatic about it for a while before she does.”_

_“It’s been years Nana.”_

_“I know. She’s a hard head. Give her time.”_

_“I have.”_ A beat. _“I am.”_

 _“Good.”_ Anya pauses. _“She cares. She hates to show it, but she cares.”_

_“I’m not so sure about that.”_

Anya doesn’t immediately reply. She takes the time to consider whether she even wants to bring this up or not, but ultimately she decides it would be more helpful than harmful to share.

 _“She plays with him when you leave us with Su-Su, but only when she thinks no one is looking.”_ Anya sighs before continuing. _“I know she’d kill me if she knew I knew and kill me twice if she knew I told you but she sometimes goes to his room when he wakes up at night and you guys don't hear him. She talks to him, mostly about Jake but also about other things.”_ Anya lets the words linger before she continues. _“She cares mom.”_

Clarke nods in silence and processes what she just learned. Neither of them says anything for a series of minutes before Clarke breaks the stillness that overtook the room.

_"If I asked you something would you be honest with me?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Do you resent us, me, for having another baby?"_

Anya contemplates for a moment before shaking her head no.

_"I think you and momma needed it. He's cute. It's nice to have someone laughing all the time. I like him being here."_

Clarke kisses the top of her head.

_"Promise?"_

Clarke whispers into her daughter's hair.

_"Promise."_

_"I'm sorry we missed your game."_

Anya shrugs.

_"It's okay. It was cold, probably too cold for him. Wouldn't want him to get sick or anything."_

_"Did you do good?"_

_"I scored our second goal and assisted in the third."_

_"I'm so proud of you."_

_"I know."_

_"I've been dropping the ball lately but I hope you know that I am."_

_"I know mom. It's okay. There's a lot going on around here."_

_"That shouldn't be an excuse."_

Anya turns to look up at Clarke.

_"It's fine. Really."_

_"How did we get so lucky with you?"_

Anya shrugs.

_"You had to have at least one normal kid. It was bound to happen."_

Clarke chortles.

_"I guess that's true. Do you think you'll win finals tomorrow?"_

_"Maybe. We could."_

_"I'll be there. I promise. Doesn't matter how cold. I'm coming. Okay?"_

_"You don't have to."_

_"What? No, of course I am! Of course we're going to be there."_

Anya ponders on her reply and when she does muster up the courage to speak again her voice is low and unsure.

_"Do you think momma will come?"_

Clarke pulls Anya closer and kisses her head once more.

_"I'll ask. I'm sure she'd love to be there."_

_"Okay."_

Anya yawns loudly and folds her legs up onto the couch and curls them behind her allowing her to push her body further into Clarke.

_"You should sleep."_

_"Can I stay here a little longer?"_

_"Uhum.”_ Clarke repositions herself and in turn Anya allowing more space for the teenager to pivot herself so she can fully face Clarke. Once she has successfully switched positions, Anya wraps her arms around Clarke and softly sighs before closing her eyes. _"You smell terrible by the way, like caked sweat."_

Anya sniggers.

_"Sorry."_

Anya makes to move away but Clarke holds her firmly in place.

_"I didn't say you had to move. Just wanted to point out the merits of a post game shower."_

_"Yeah, sorry. We were hungry and the water heater wasn't working right. We didn't want to wait until they figured it out so we just left after coach was done talking to us."_

_"Please don't get on your bed without showering first. I gave you fresh sheets yesterday. I don't want to have to change them again tomorrow."_

Anya laughs and nods.

_"I won't."_

_"Thank you."_

They fall into a comfortable silence once more before Anya speaks again.

_"Mom?"_

_"Hmmm."_

_"I'm not mad. Honestly. I know you feel bad but it wasn't intentional. It's okay."_

Clarke nods feeling the guilt leave her body.

_"Thank you."_

Anya doesn't say anything in response and simply tightens her grip around Clarke's waist. Within minutes they're both sound asleep.

* * *

Clarke never realized when she fell asleep and she doesn't wake again until well past one in the morning when the sensation of Anya's hands slipping from her midriff jolts her. She opens her eyes to find Lexa hovering above them trying to pick the young girl up.

_"Hey."_

Clarke's husky, sleepy voice greets the green eyes looking down at her.

_"She'll sleep better in bed."_

Clarke nods and assists Lexa by gently pulling away from her daughter giving her wife just enough space to insert her hands between them and pick Anya up. It wasn't exactly an easy task because Anya looked easier to carry than she actually was but Lexa succeeds in lifting her. Almost instinctively Anya hangs on to Lexa the same way she had done when she was little. In her sleep, Anya wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and her inherited long legs around the waist. The new position makes the whole process easier and within seconds Lexa disappears down the hallway with a teenager clinging to her body. Clarke watches her go before her eyes begin unintentionally blinking longer and longer until they’re back to fully closed.

* * *

New York City nights could be brutal and biting in November but that hardly ever matters to smokers, at least that’s how it seems. Costia takes a long drag of the near finished cigarette between her lips while she uses her hands to wrap her jacket tighter around her torso as a particularly strong gust of wind embeds the cold into very core of her body. The weather was getting too bitter for her to be up here every night smoking and playing guitar in what was her best attempt to stave off her insomnia, but Costia had ran out of ideas as to what else to do when she couldn't sleep so this was as good as it was going to get. She'll just have to wear more layers than her pajama bottoms and a flimsy t-shirt under her coat. That's all. 

Costia takes another good drag of the burning tobacco before putting it out on the ashtray atop the trashcan she was standing next to and immediately gets to work on locking her guitar back into its case. She's craving the warmth of the apartment so she hurries through it and in less than a minute she's off the roof and on her way down back to her room.

* * *

Costia gently opens the front door and is halfway through the entryway when voices coming from the living room make her freeze in place. When she had walked by about an hour earlier Clarke and Anya were knocked out on the big couch and Lexa was nowhere to be found. Clearly that all changed judging from the fact that she can make out what sounds like Clarke and Lexa's voices coming from a few feet away. Costia debates whether she should go hang out in the stairwell until it's safe to come back when something makes her immediately stop. 

The noise coming from the living room is foreign, it's something Costia hasn't heard surface this earnestly in years. That's the sound of Lexa's old laughter, the carefree one she remembers from when she was a kid. Costia’s chest constricts when she hears it a second time. Costia has heard Lexa laugh since Aden was born but there was something different about this one though. This was like before. This was the kind of laughter that was mostly reserved for Jake. Costia didn’t think it was possible, but apparently Lexa could still laugh the way she had done years ago and learning this made Costia realize that she both loved and hated that fact.

Voices interrupt Costia's buzzing brain and she pays attention to the words.

 _"Thank you."_ Silence. _"You're still cold. Lex..."_ Silence once more. _"The weather is getting crazy. You shouldn't be out there."_

_"She...I..."_

_"You have to stop paying attention to what Costia says. It doesn't matter. It’s..."_

_"She..."_

Lexa attempts to cut her off but Clarke is undeterred.

_"It doesn't matter."_

Costia closes the door and walks out as she feels her stomach drop. Her opinion doesn't matter. No wonder Clarke has never cared how she's felt for years. It's no surprise Lexa is still around. It's because she's not important. Costia feels the tears creeping up on her but she forcefully wipes her eyes and stops them from falling. She's done crying over Lexa.

Costia stomps away from the apartment and heads for the elevator. She's not sure where she is going, but all she knows is that this is not where she wants to be anymore.

* * *

Lexa’s hovers over the couch and tilts her head as her eyes dutifully survey Clarke’s face. The dramatic curve of the dirty blonde eyebrows, the barely noticeable fluttering of the blue eyes she could describe from memory that now hide behind closed lids, the enchantingly round tip of the nose, the alluring beauty mark over the lip, the dimple that sits right at the center of the chin. Lexa examines the features and as she moves down Clarke’s face her lips turn upwards into a spontaneous smile because, despite everything they’ve been through, it’s as if no time has passed. That’s the same inventory of things Lexa made the first morning she woke up next to Clarke. They’re the same things that made her breath hitch that October night when her backyard and in turn her life were lit ablaze. They’re the same things that add up to the same face she has fallen in love with every day for two decades. They're the same things that still makes her stomach flutter even on the worst of her days. 

Lexa debates waking Clarke up but she knows that the only two alternatives are attempting to carry her wife to bed or leaving her to have a mediocre night of sleep on the couch. She decides against both of them.

_"I can't promise that I can get you to bed without dropping you."_

Clarke's light sleep is easily disturbed by the low voice and she smiles before opening her right eye to find Lexa looking down at her.

_"You could try."_

_"We'd both probably break something."_

_"Are you saying I'm fat?"_

Clarke raises an eyebrow and the mischievous look on her wife’s face triggers a heartfelt snicker that rips through Lexa’s chest.

_"No, I'm saying my back isn't what it used to be."_

Clarke squints and looks at Lexa suspiciously.

_"I'll let that slide..."_

They both offer carefree laughs and allow the moment to linger. After a few beats Clarke extends a hand which Lexa immediately takes and pulls Clarke up in one swift motion.

 _"Thank you."_ Clarke brings her hands to cup Lexa's cheeks and finds her skin to be freezing the the touch. _"You're still cold. Lex..."_ Clarke pauses trying to find the right words. _"The weather is getting crazy. You shouldn't be out there."_

Lexa averts Clarke's eyes.

_"She...I..."_

_"You have to stop paying attention to what Costia says. It doesn't matter. It’s..."_

_"She..."_

Lexa attempts to cut her off but Clarke is undeterred.

_"It doesn't matter.”_

Lexa’s gaze runs from Clarke’s. Clarke scans Lexa’s face for a long moment before they lock eyes again and she takes that as an invitation to gently guide Lexa down towards the couch. Once Lexa is seated Clarke drops a knee at either side of the older woman’s thighs and the instant she’s resting comfortably on her wife’s lap, Clarke’s hands land on Lexa’s shoulders. Lexa’s lips melt into soft grin when Clarke’s thumbs begin to caress the inch of exposed skin around her collar bone.

 _“It doesn’t matter that she says you’re not supposed to be here. She’s just lashing out. She’s saying things she knows will hurt us. I can’t pretend I understand why but I know I want to give her the space to let her understand it first and once she does maybe we will.”_ Clarke and Lexa’s eyes scan the length of the other’s face while silence takes over between them. Lexa knows Clarke is not done talking and she’s patiently waiting for her wife to find the words she’s looking for. _“I don’t know Lex. I really don’t. All I know is that she’s angry...at so many things...but she cares. I’m sure of it now. We just have to give her time to sort her feelings out. I get that it’s not easy and I’m not saying we should just let her berate us whenever she feels like it but this is your home. We're your family. She needs to understand that. I don't think we should ignore her needs but at some point we have to stop letting it affect us as much as it does. She's fifteen. She's a teenager. It's what teenagers do and the whole thing has only been made worse because of everything that's happened. Cos will grow out of it. She has to because I refuse to believe this is what we're going to be for the rest of our lives. I just do. So please...stop letting her get to you. Let me handle her but I can't make any progress if you keep running out every day the second you two even look at each other wrong. Please stop giving her reasons to be mad. Please don't indulge her with arguments. That's all I'm asking for.”_ Clarke allows Lexa time to answer and when she doesn’t Clarke speaks again. _“Promise me you'll at least try. I can work with that much."_

Lexa nods once and Clarke tenderly kisses both her cheeks.

_"Thank you."_

_"I want her to be okay."_

_"I know."_ Clarke runs her thumbs up and down Lexa's jawline. _"I know. She'll come around."_ Lexa nods again. _"It's late. Let's go to bed."_

_"I'll check up on them. I'll be there in a minute."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Nine minutes later the stillness of the apartment is interrupted by the borderline frantic galumphing of the person speed walking up the hallway. Once she reaches the threshold of the room she was headed towards, Lexa thrusts the door open and hastily turns the light on. 

 _"Is Costia at a sleepover?"_ Lexa gets no response. _"Clarke?"_

Lexa asks of her wife insistently.

_"What?"_

Clarke mumbles from under the covers.

_"She's not in bed."_

_"What?"_

Clarke had just managed to fall asleep for the third time tonight and her voice carries a perfect mix of confusion and exasperation.

_"Costia is not in her room or anywhere else in the apartment."_

Clarke turns in bed to look at Lexa over her shoulder.

_"What?"_

Clarke, who is most definitely still more asleep than awake, is quite slow on the uptake.

_"She's not here. Costia isn't home."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Wouldn't have woken you up if I wasn't."_

Clarke reaches for the cellphone that charges on her bedside table and calls Costia's phone while Lexa anxiously looks on. When she doesn't get an answer the first time, Clarke tries again. The second call also goes unanswered but this time she leaves a voicemail.

_"Costia, you're not going to get in trouble as long as you call me back right now."_

Clarke and Lexa both patiently stare at her cell phone expecting the screen to light up and for Costia’s name to flash on the screen.

* * *

The call Clarke and Lexa were waiting for never came. The sun now rises over the horizon and serves as the scenic background to Clarke’s desperate pacing. Nana, who had been woken up by a barrage of questions regarding her sister’s whereabouts a few hours earlier is currently asleep in the couch, cuddling her little brother. 

The doorbell rings and Clarke all but races to the front door. Abby and Kane stand on the other side and immediately offer their comfort.

_"Nothing?"_

Clarke simply shakes her head no. Abby, understanding the thousands of unspoken words and worries behind her daughter’s strained face, instantly wraps her arms around Clarke.

_"I called the chief. He's sending a squad over to talk to us. It might be too soon to file a missing persons report but we'll see what they say."_

The sound of the phrase “missing person” sends shivers down every atom of Clarke’s spine and her knees become involuntarily wobbly. All Abby can do is hold Clarke tighter as she strives to keep her upright.

* * *

By midday, the apartment is buzzing with concerned family members. Octavia and Echo split their time between a distraught Clarke and a frustratingly stubborn Raven who insists on moving around against every doctor’s orders. 

Eight weeks prior Raven had suffered a pretty serious pilon fracture that required surgery. As a result of the surgery Raven is required to wear a boot and was specifically told she should keep any weight off it which, to someone as stubborn as Raven, sounds like an invitation to do the exact opposite hence the need for constant babysitting.

Luciana, Indra, Lincoln, and Bellamy stand by the balcony door discussing logistics of a potential search team with Kane and Abby. Nana, Roa, and the rest of the cousins huddle in one of the couches. Whereas the kids normally tend to be annoyingly raucous and hyperactive, the fact that they are all sitting in silence is indicative of what the general mood of the group is.

_“Take this.”_

Octavia extends both of her hands. The right hand is open and facing up with a white, rectangular pill resting at the center of it and the left holds a glass of ice water. Clarke looks at the pill then up at Octavia and Echo.

_“Rae donated one of her Xanax.”_

_“No thank you.”_

_“It’ll relax you.”_

Octavia counters.

_“I don't need to be relaxed. What I need is for Costia to be home.”_

_“They’re not mutually exclusive.”_

Echo does her best attempt at bargaining but it seems to have the opposite effect that she hoped for.

 _“You can tell me what to do when your kid goes missing.”_ Clarke bites back with an acerbic tone but immediately reels. _“I'm sorry.”_ Clarke leans forward, placing her elbows on her thighs, and buries her face in her hands. _“I’m sorry. I just...she...I'm going to ground her for the next few decades. Once...if…”_ Clarke corrects herself. _“If she walks in through that door she’s not leaving this house again until she’s at least thirty five.”_

Echo kneels in front of Clarke and uses her hands to gently remove Clarke’s palms from her face forcing her friend to look at her.

_“She’s going to walk through that door again.”_

The sense of certainty in Echo’s voice does it. It's the thing that finally breaks Clarke because she’s not so sure.

For the last two years and five months every time one of her children leaves her immediate vicinity Clarke always thinks - at least for a fleeting moment - that perhaps that is the last time she’ll ever see them. Sometimes the dread only lasts for a millisecond, but it still makes an appearance. It's something she carries with her every day. There was nothing special about the last time she saw her son. He jumped out of the car and into Lexa’s office like he had done hundreds of times before except he never left that building again, at least not alive. Clarke remembers how mundane her last moment with Jake was. The reality of how forgettable that instant could've been had it not lead to the sequence of events that it did taints every situation where the kids need to walk away from her.

Beyond the underlying fear that she might never see her children again, there were other ways Clarke’s day to day changed because of how generic that moment with Jake was. The changes weren’t sprawling, they were minute...virtually unnoticeable to anyone except Clarke. It was small things like how she inadvertently started noting what the kids wore every time they left the house. Clarke couldn't tell the police officers what Jake was wearing the last day he was alive. Clarke still doesn't know. Clothes had been torn off him and discarded as paramedics briskly worked on saving his life. Clarke has tried to retroactively piece it together from what should be missing from his closet but she’s failed. For months after he died she stood in front of his closet, sometimes for hours, and tried to figure out what wasn't there. Whenever she thought she might have it she’d find the pants hiding in a forgotten laundry basket or the shirt she had convinced herself was the right one neatly folded underneath Anya's pillow. Clarke doesn't know what her son was wearing the day he died and she doesn't know what Costia was wearing the last time she saw her. It’s what is nagging her the most. Costia wasn’t supposed to go anywhere. She was simply going sleep so Clarke didn't take inventory of what her outfit consisted of and now that they're nearing the end of the time period the officers gave them to officially file a missing persons report Clarke’s brain is eating itself. She knows the question will come up and for the second time in her life Clarke doesn't know what her child was wearing when it counts the most. So Clarke cries. She weeps out of guilt. She weeps out of concern. But mainly she weeps because the terror she feels is damn near paralyzing. 

* * *

 _“Are you going to talk to me or are you going to make me to look at your ugly ass face in silence for the rest of time?"_  

Anya is splayed on the small couch Lexa kept in her office. She has been in this exact position for the majority of the time she’s been in the apartment today. When Lexa retreated to her office and refused to be around any of the other humans buzzing around the apartment Anya had no choice but to move to the office as well. Anya silently hovers over Lexa because she understands that her sister’s unruffled attitude is nothing but a sham. Not that Anya needed her suspicions confirmed, but the fact that Lexa has sat at her desk for hours pretending to read the book in front of her when Anya noted she has been stuck on page one hundred and twelve since she walked into the office is a dead giveaway.

 _“After she died you didn't say a word for twenty six fucking days, twenty fucking six Lexa, and when you finally did it was to scream at me to leave you alone. We’re on hour like…”_ Anya lifts her phone and presses the home button to look at the time. _“...five. I can hang for at least twenty five days and nineteen hours more. I might have to take a piss break sometime in between but otherwise I'm going to be right here.”_ Anya makes a show out of burrowing even further into the couch. _“So go ahead, give me your best silent treatment. I can't beat you at much but I sure as fuck am more stubborn than you. I…”_

Lexa groans.

_“You talk too much.”_

_“And you don't fucking talk enough.”_

_“I should be doing more.”_

_“Cops tend to be pretty good at finding people. It's kind of their job. Let them do it.”_

_“What if she doesn't come back?”_

_“Listen, I know you and Clarke are worried and it’s fucking stupid to ask you guys not to be but let me tell you one thing: Costia can be a lot of things but that girl ain't a survivalist. She's a princess by design. She’s been spoiled her whole fucking life. I’ll give her a day, maybe two. The moment she figures out only Clarke gives a fuck if her eggs are perfectly poached or whatever other rich people shit you guys do in here when I'm not around she’ll come back faster than I can say “lox and cream cheese”.”_

_“She wasn't spoiled.”_

_“Ha!”_ Anya scoffs and fakes a laugh. _“You're funny.”_

 _“She wasn't spoiled.”_ Lexa insists. _“We also don't know if she’s out there of her own volition.”_

Anya flips on her side and rests her head on her elbow making it easier for her to look directly at her sister.

 _“You remember when right after Nana was born Cos packed a bag with her favorite toys and stood in front of the door motioning for it to be opened? She wanted no part of that baby business. She stood there for hours. She fucking screamed at the top of her lungs and cried and rolled on the floor. Pair that same attitude with high school angst and all the bullshit that's been going on and suddenly running away is right on brand for your kid.”_ Lexa doesn't respond. _“She’ll be back.”_ Lexa loudly flips the page on her book in the hopes that it will give her sister the hint to drop the subject. _“You leave all the time and you always come back.”_ Lexa looks up and glares at Anya. _“She’s more like you than she wants to admit. You both run from shit you don't like or don't know how to deal with. You're runners. Either that or...maybe she’s just giving you a sip of your own brew.”_

Anya shrugs and Lexa slams the book closed in response.

_“You're irritating.”_

_“You’re way past the ninety day return period. Guess you're stuck with me.”_ Anya lays on her back once more and closes her eyes. _“You're fucking stuck with me Alexandria, no matter how hard or fast you run. It’s about time you get fucking used to it.”_

The huff Lexa releases right before she flips the book back open to some random page borders on petulant and just like that they're back at the exact same spot they were three minutes ago.

* * *

Hundreds of phone calls, text messages, and video calls go unanswered throughout the day. Video calls ring endlessly before the screen begins to flash the word “unavailable”. Text messages unfailingly turn the dreaded green on everyone’s screens. By mid-morning the voicemail had already stopped accepting messages and simply told everyone who stayed long enough to listen that it was at capacity. Trying to reach Costia was an exercise in futility but it didn’t stop anyone from trying and try they do. They try for hours. They try so often and so consistently that sometimes multiple people were ringing her at the same time, flooding her line, and resulting in everyone getting a busy tone. They all try until night falls 

Once the sky turns bright orange and the sun hides behind the sea of buildings, friends and family start to slowly filter out of the apartment. Most, if not all, of them would have gladly stayed overnight but Bellamy convinces the dozen or so adults that the best thing they could do for Clarke and Lexa that night is give them space so they do. They each retreat to their own homes but only after Clarke has promised that the group chat will be immediately notified if anything changes.

For most of the day Clarke had silently wished her friends would stop coddling her and simply leave her be but now that she is alone, the silence electrifies the magnitude of Costia’s absence. The silence becomes a weapon Clarke was ill-equipped to fight against because this is the same kind of silence that plagued the house after Jake died. It’s the type of silence Clarke never cared to listen to again, yet here she is...simmering in it anew.

* * *

Costia indubitably surmised she was whatever comes beyond resilient. There was no doubt in her mind about that. When she left home the previous day she was positive she would never need anything or anyone from her family ever again. The one thing Costia wasn’t prepared for were the things she had never experienced before. There is no way to anticipate how you will react when you lack food and shelter from the elements. Costia promised herself she was going to go through life without depending on a single other human being for as many days as she had left but hunger and the end of year chill would swiftly put that certainty to the test. 

Costia couldn’t be sure Clarke hadn’t already convinced her friends and their families to let them know where she was the moment she showed up at their houses but she was more than certain there was one person in the entire world who could keep a secret for her since it had already happened hundreds of times before. That is what leads Costia to this familiar hallway at one in the morning on a Thursday. Costia rings the bell once and then a second time a few moments later. Her leg begins to rapidly bounce and she fidgets with the plethora of rings on her fingers while she tries to stave off the millions of stray thoughts that feed the cacophony inside her head. Maybe she didn’t hear the bell. Maybe she's not home. Maybe she won’t open because she know it’s Costia. The last one forces Costia’s thumb into her mouth and she begins to viciously chomp on the nail. If that door doesn’t open she will stay outside all night and despite the fact that Costia would like to think that would not lead her to tears, in the back of her mind she knows that assumption would be incorrect. Knowing what the alternative is, Costia rings a third time and that’s when a response finally comes.

_“I’m fucking coming.”_

Within seconds a disheveled and not entirely conscious Raven opens the door.

_“Please don’t tell them.”_

Costia implores the moment their eyes connect.

_“Costia…”_

_“Please. It’s freezing outside but I will leave again if you call them. I won’t tell anyone I was here. I won’t get you in trouble but please don’t tell them.”_

Raven was Costia’s favorite adult. Raven is “cool” and never imposes things onto Costia. She’s the one family member who has never tried to make Costia “understand” Lexa or pushed her to talk about her feelings. It’s why Costia was confident she could come here for at least one night and not be ratted out.

 _“You’re a little fucking prick. You_ _know that right? Your mom is going to fucking kill you and I can't even say you don't deserve it.”_ Costia’s eyes begin to brim with tears because maybe she was mistaken. Without answering, Costia grabs her guitar case, turns on her heels, and begins to walk away from Raven’s door. _“Fuck do you think you’re going? Get in here.”_ Costia turns around and wipes her tears as she jogs back towards the door and hugs Raven. _“You know where to go.”_

Costia, her siblings, and her cousins were very familiar with the guest room in Raven’s apartment. Raven can staunchly pretend she doesn't tolerate the kids all she wants, but soon after Clarke and Octavia each had baby Raven upgraded from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment without ever offering a convincing explanation as to why. Throughout the years that unoccupied space has morphed into many different things. It has been the nap room, the play room, the overnight babysitting room, and Raven can now add “hideout” to the list. Regardless of what it was, Raven’s home became anything her nieces and nephews needed and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

_“You’re the best.”_

Costia whispers to her aunt before kissing her on the cheek and running down the hallway at the very back of the apartment. Raven closes the door behind her and runs her hands through her hair.

_“Shit.”_

* * *

Raven hobbles back into her bedroom and raches for the phone that rested on the bed before walking up to the bathroom and closing the door behind her. She dials a number and a voice cracks on the other end at the first ring. 

 _“She just showed up at my door but don’t come over. Let her sleep it off. I’ll talk to her tomorrow and I’ll bring her home.”_ Pause. _“Yeah, she looks fine. Nothing’s broken. She’s a little cold but she’s good.”_ Another pause. _“Sleep Griffin. I know you need it. I’ll tell her off for you tomorrow.”_ A beat. _“Night. I’ll call you first thing and let you know how things are….I will….Love you...Yeah...Bye.”_

Now that Raven knows her best friend will get at least some semblance of sleep, Raven sets out to do the same because she has a feeling tomorrow will be a long day.  

* * *

Clarke exhales for the first time in what feels like a lifetime and without lifting her head from where it rested against the upholstered headboard she pivots it towards Lexa.

_“She’s with Raven.”_

To be quite frank, Clarke has never been more relieved in her life than after Raven’s phone call. As much as she wants to run over and hug the teen, for now, she’s just happy Costia turned up. Clarke is fine dealing with the unavoidable mess that will unfold in the morning because at least for tonight she knows her daughter is safe. Clarke is perfectly okay with letting it be for the night but Lexa...Lexa who has been holding back the fiery bile sitting a the very edge of her esophagus all day doesn't seem so agreeable. Lexa’s brain goes into high gear the moment she hears Costia showed up at Raven’s door and the façade of poise she managed to project all day long crumbles.

Lexa tugs the sheets and duvet that hugged her body off her legs in one swift motion and rushes for her dresser.

 _“Lexa.”_ Lexa doesn’t answer. _“Lexa...stop.”_ Clarke hops off the bed and stands a few feet from the door knowing full well that is where her wife is headed once she’s finished collecting her things. _“Don’t do this.”_ Lexa wordlessly aims for the bedroom door and Clarke blocks her. _“Alexandria, don’t.”_

_“Move.”_

_“She’s okay. Get back in bed.”_

Clarke all but orders her wife.

_“Clarke, move.”_

Lexa, not backing down, growls through her teeth.

 _“You’re not doing this. We_ **just** _had a conversation about this Lexa. We literally just talked about it yesterday. If you go over there what do you think is going to happen? Hmmm? How is that going to help?”_  

_“Get out of my way Clarke.”_

_“You’re not going to make this worse. I’m not letting you.”_

Lexa closes the distance between them and when Clarke doesn’t budge Lexa yells.

_“Move!”_

_“They’re sleeping, Alexandria. Keep your voice down.”_

Lexa, having had enough of this conversation, forces her way past Clarke. At that point Clarke is trying to play catch up but she has nothing on Lexa’s long legs and before she can do anything about it Lexa is gone.

 _“Goddamn it Lexa.”_ Clarke focuses her attention on the phone on her hand and dials a number. It rings three times before it’s answered. _“Costia showed up at Raven’s and Lexa just left to go there. I need you to send Linc over. He can get there before Lexa. She’s going to make everything worse if he doesn’t.”_

After Octavia’s response Clarke ends the call and chucks the phone on the bed in frustration.

* * *

Twenty minutes later - right on the verge of two in the morning - Raven is forced out of bed once more by the violent hammering against her door. She briskly tries to cover the distance from her bed to the door, but there is only so much speed she can muster while bouncing on one leg. When she finally reaches the entrance, Raven groans ready to berate whatever drunk asshole she assumed was standing in the hallway. 

_"What the fu...OH COME ON! I told Clarke to let it fucking be."_

Lexa doesn’t even entertain the idea of a response, she simply shoves Raven aside and barges right in. Without her boot, Raven is left hobbling after the taller woman but she’s determined enough to somehow manage to catch Lexa before she reaches the guest bedroom. Raven leans forward and yanks on the sleeve of Lexa’s coat and that seems to be enough to force the older woman to turn and look at her.

 _"Hey, she's asleep."_ Lexa silently glares at Raven then down at the hand that grips her jacket then back at Raven. _"You're both too fucking emotional right now. Go home. She's fine here, she can stay for however long. Give her a few days. I told Clarke I would bring her home when she’s ready. You..."_ Almost as if on queue someone else knocks on the door. _"Don't fucking move"._

Raven tells Lexa authoritatively and moves to open the door.

_"Linc?"_

_"Clarke called."_

Lincoln looks past Raven and spots Lexa standing in the living room and the thing that immediately jumps out at him is how tense Lexa is. Her back is perfectly straight and her face is expressionless but it’s the way her jaw looks almost uncomfortably strained by how hard she is clenching it paired with the non-stop balling and unballing of her fists that clues Lincoln in as to how wound up his friend is.

_"You should take her home."_

_“Yeah.”_

Lincoln nods at Raven and steps inside the apartment but before either of them has a chance to approach her, Lexa moves. With a few long strides Lexa reaches the room she assumed Costia was sleeping in and propels the door open causing it to crash against the wall with a loud smack. The girl is instantly startled awake.

_"How dare you?"_

_"Lexa?"_

Costia blinks in quick succession as she tries to get her bearings.

_"How dare you Costia? Lets go!"_

Lexa stomps up to the bed and firmly tugs on Costia’s arm in an attempt to force her to stand.

 _"Don't touch me!"_ Costia hollers at her mother just as Lincoln and Raven walk into the room. The moment Raven enters, Costia whips her head towards her. _"I can't believe you told them!"_

_"I had to."_

_"Lexa...come on. Let her sleep."_

Lincoln attempts to persuade Lexa while striving to pull her away from Costia.

_"Lincoln..."_

Lexa growls at him as she turns her face slightly, only enough to see the outline of him out of the corner of her eye.

_"You’re such a fucking bully!”_

_“Cos, not now.”_

Raven tries to end the argument before it starts but it’s to no avail.

 _“No one has to do what you say, you know? No matter what people tell you it’s always your way. Everyone told you how dangerous those people were but you always have to be right. You always have to win. And you did. You got your way and then they killed Jake. They killed him!_ **You** _killed him! It’s_ **your** _fault my brother died and then you just replaced him like he meant nothing. He was nothing to you.”_

_“Shut up!”_

Lexa roars at her daughter.

_“Costia, stop talking.”_

Raven attempts to squelch the screaming match but Costia remains undeterred, matter of fact, it just fuels the level of her vitriol.

_“No matter how hard you try that baby isn’t Jake. He’ll never be Jake so stop pretending like everything is fine because it's not. I’m sick of seeing you and mom and everyone else act like nothing happened, like that fat stupid baby fixed everything. It didn’t. Jake is still dead and I still miss him. I dream about him every night. I think about him while you’re playing with your replacement because someone has to. You obviously don’t.”_

_“You need to fucking stop.”_

Raven, knowing that it is always easier to remove Costia from the equation than Lexa, moves to the bed and yanks Costia towards her. Costia, perpetually insisting to have the last word, decides to go for one final blow.

_“I wish you were dead and not him. We would all be happier. But you know what? I bet he's glad he is dead so he doesn't have to deal with you. He hated you as much as I do."_

_“HEY!”_

Lincoln finally intervenes but Costia is not budging.

 _“Jake_ **hated** _you Lexa. He just put up with you out of pity. It's what everyone has always done. I bet being dead takes less effort than having to fake he didn't despise you every day of his life.”_

The look on Lexa’s face lets Costia know she doesn’t need to say anything else. She’s accomplished what she set out to do which is hurt Lexa as much as she was yesterday when she heard the things Clarke and Lexa said about her.

Costia jumps off the bed and instantly runs out of the room leaving Lexa, Raven, and Lincoln behind. Lexa stands limply, all the color has drained from her face. Her chest feels sunken in. Every cell in her body is aflame. Lexa feels nothing and everything at once.

Did her son really hate her? Maybe he did. He probably did. They all hate her. How could they not?

Raven and Lincoln look at each other and come to a silent agreement. Within a second of Costia running out of the room Lincoln goes after her.

_"Lexa."_

Raven practically whispers as she walks towards Lexa, but the moment she puts her hands on Lexa’s forearm, Lexa instantly backs away.

Raven has never been one to have much sympathy for Lexa but even she has too admit that Costia probably took it one step too far this time.

Lexa’s eyes are cloudy but she won’t let her tears fall. Her lungs feel like they're about to combust. She needs to get out of there. She can't breathe. This must be what being buried alive feels like because she’s suffocating. Lexa beelines right past Raven and speedwalks out of the apartment. Raven is aware she'll never catch her, not with her leg as it is. She's genuinely surprised she's even standing so running after someone easily twice as fast as her is out of the question. Acknowledging that she’s at a disadvantage when it comes to physicality, Raven does what she thinks is the second best option. She hops to her room and dials Lincoln.

_"Are you outside?"_

Raven instantly presses when Lincoln picks up after the second ring. Raven doesn’t immediately get an answer since for a couple of seconds all Lincoln can do is pant as he tries to catch his breath.

_"I’m...I’m going after Costia. She's faster than she looks."_

A car horn blares through the receiver and that clues Raven in to the fact that he is currently dodging cars and dashing through traffic.

_"Lexa just ran out of here. She didn't look good. I’ll never catch her with my leg like this."_

_"I can double back but by the time I get there Lexa might be gone. I can still see Costia."_

Raven considers for an instant before she acquiesced.

_"Fine. Stay with her. Don't lose her."_

_"I’ll call you when we're on our way back."_

Lincoln ends the call right as another horn booms through the receiver pressed against Raven’s ear. She flinches but instead of dwelling on it, Raven immediately reaches for her crutches. 

* * *

It takes Raven close to ten minutes before she makes it to her building’s entrance and by now she knows the odds of Lexa still being there were slim but she owed it to Clarke to at least try. She scans the near desolate sidewalks in all directions. Raven squints and focuses on the handful of figures she spots roaming around but it only takes seconds to know none of them is Lexa. 

_“Shit. Shit!"_

Raven digs into her jacket pocket and within seconds her mobile is generating a call.

_"Have you heard from Lexa?"_

Raven bombards Clarke with the question without offering any further explanation.

_"Have I he...why would I ha...what? She was headed your way.”_

_"Her and Costia went at it. They both ran out. Lincoln went after Costia but I lost Lexa."_

_"What do you mean you lost her? What happened?"_  

_"Costia said some things. She was angry. I told Lexa not to push it."_

_"What things?"_

_"Clarke..."_

_"No, what did she say Raven?"_ Raven sighs. _“Raven...what did she say?”_

_"She told Lexa she wished she was dead and not Jake and that she knew Jake was happy to be dead because that way he doesn't have to deal with her since he hated Lexa too."_

_"Find her. Find Lexa."_

Clarke pleads to her best friend with palpable desperation in her voice. Clarke is well aware Lexa has barely been holding it together and she is even more cognizant of what those words could do to her.

_"I’m working on it."_

* * *

Raven's “working on it” failed. That's how Lexa found herself wandering the streets until the sky turned bright pink and blue. Lexa quivers her way through the night and it doesn't get that much better when the sun comes up but Lexa never seeks shelter; she doesn’t do so because she doesn’t believe she merits what feels like an indulgence at the moment. 

Lexa aimlessly walks up and down New York streets until the sun falls again. Lexa walks until the soles of her feet feel singed. She walks until her calves cramp up and even then she just limps through the pain. Lexa walks until her rimy body physically can’t anymore. Lexa walks past a bench on one of the busiest parts of SoHo and without meaning to, her body simply flops down onto it.

At first Lexa doesn’t grasp the fact that she’s no longer moving. The idea of standing still right now feels counter intuitive, she needs to keep moving because if she doesn’t she might drown. Lexa can’t comprehend why, but she’s definitely sitting. Lexa orders her body to move but it’s not listening. Her body has simply stopped following her orders and after a handful of good attempts Lexa gives in. She gives up. She can’t anymore. She’s dehydrated. She’s exhausted. She’s despondent. She’s just so tired...of everything.

Lexa’s thoughts start to engulf the remaining cinders of lucidity and things in her mind turn quite bleak fairly quickly. A distantly familiar voice and movement beside her brings those to a screeching halt.

 _“This city is too big for us to keep meeting like this.”_ Lexa feels a warm body squeeze next to her on the bench. _“You look cold.”_ Lexa’s eyes meet Gina’s but, as their conversations tend to go, Lexa doesn’t offer a response. _“Come inside.”_ Gina takes a powerful drag of her electric cigarette and motions with her head to the bustling bar behind them. _“They bought a whole case of Yamazaki 18 a week ago and not one person has ordered it. Can you believe that?”_ Gina gives Lexa the opportunity to chime in but when she doesn’t she carries on. _“Congrats on the baby.”_ Lexa’s eyes dart up. _“Word gets around. You know how moms gossip.”_ Gina pauses. “ _A boy...I’m happy for you and the painter. You guys deserved that.”_

Lexa scoffs. 

_“I don’t deserve anything.”_

_“Okay. That’s the kind of day we’re having. Got it.”_ Gina pauses. _“Yamazaki would definitely help with that.”_

_“I would like to be alone.”_

_“Trust me...you’re giving off the ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe pretty well. I’ve just never been good at actually listening to those.”_ Gina attempts to make light of the situation. _“Listen...we’re not friends, I get that, but my neighbor’s cousin got me a book on cosmic interference…”_ Gina pauses to think because that somehow does not sound right to her. _“...intervention...whatever. Look, point is that the universe likes to mess around with things. Serendipity, you know? These little meetings kind of feel like one of those. You sort of always look like shit whenever we see each other...no offense...you’re a very attractive woman but we all have rough days. Anyway...what I was trying to get at is that I always feel a little bit better after every time we see each other. There’s something about you and the painter. It just...it makes me feel like magic exists in the world. Corny. I’m aware. I know. It’s the truth though. You were so sure it was beyond fixing last time and now you have a new baby so even though I have no idea what is wrong I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that you guys will figure it out this time too.”_

_“I haven't earned that it be figured out.”_

_“Honestly, what 1940s book did you crawl out of?”_

_“I’m not a nihilist.”_

Lexa practically growls at Gina.

 _“Glad you got where I was going with that.”_ Gina chuckles to herself but when Lexa doesn’t follow she sighs and changes her tone. _“You’ll figure it out.”_ Gina tells Lexa with certainty. _“M’kay, you’re not going to participate here but I still have a few minutes left on my break and I’m just going to hang out in case you change your mind. You let me know.”_

Lexa rolls her eyes and looks the other way but within half a minute she’s breaking the mutually agreed upon silence.

_“Do your children hate you?”_

_“Ahhh...kid trouble not wife trouble.”_ Gina contemplates and seriously puts thought into the answer to Lexa’s question. _“I’m sure they do at one point or another. Bree has said as much a few times when I’m trying to get her to do something she doesn’t want to. I sure hated my parents for a few years and I told them whenever they gave me a reason to. Didn’t you?”_

_“I didn’t have parents.”_

_“Oh...well...kids hate their parents. It’s kind of how it goes. They also outgrow it so I don’t lose any sleep over it. Kids say things they don’t mean from the moment they start talking. I take it all with a grain of salt.”_

_“What if they don’t outgrow it?”_  

 _“I think a lot of us don’t until we have our own kids. Then we get it. At that point it’s impossible not to.”_ A beat. _“Unless you were like a truly awful parent which, given what I’ve seen, I don’t think you are then I wouldn’t take it personally.”_

_“I am awful.”_

_“Maybe. I think I’m probably pretty awful at being a mom too but I’m doing what I can, fuck ups and all, and I think that counts for something.”_

_“They deserve better than that.”_

Gina shrugs.

 _“They deserve the world but we’re not the superheroes they think we are. We’re just...normal. We fuck up and what they deserve is that we learn from those fuck ups.”_ Gina takes another long hit of her vape and after holding it in for a couple of seconds exhales dramatically. _“Look, maybe I’m talking out of my ass...I probably am...but our kids should only get so much of us because if they take everything then we have nothing left for ourselves and we’re also people who have lives outside of them even if it doesn’t seem like that sometimes. You were someone before the painter, you and the painter were a team before they came, you will be someone once they are grown and become someone themselves...it’s all adding and subtracting. At the end of the day as long as you like the person you are when it’s just you and no one else then the rest will sort itself out.”_

_“What if I don’t like that person?”_

_“Then you work on it. I don’t like myself all the time but I’m trying to fix it. It’s where all the meditation and spiritual crap that I’ve been doing lately comes in. My boyfriend says I’m having a midlife crisis and honestly...he’s probably right but for right now this is what I think I could do to work on myself. You’ll find your own thing and if you don’t just come find me and we can steal a bottle of the Yamazaki, get matching tattoos on our ass cheeks, and go buy a red convertible or something. I’m down to embrace the midlife crisis if you need a buddy.”_ Gina looks at Lexa and offers a genuine smile. _“I have to go inside now but honestly Lexa...you’ll be fine. Just give yourself the time to get there.”_

Gina stands and leaves without much fanfare or without adding anything else. Lexa subtly turns to watch over her shoulder as Gina walks away and back into the teeming bar.

Lexa exhales deeply and her breath fogs up the entirety of her peripheral vision. It was definitely freezing outside.

* * *

Lexa is deep in negotiation with her brain on the terms and conditions of its surrender of the body’s limbs and motor functions back to her when Gina appears anew. Gina had jogged out of the bar hoping to still find Lexa where she left her and she does. 

 _“Kitchen is closed and I barely know how to reheat frozen dinners but I think it came out half decent.”_ Gina extends what looks like a sandwich wrapped in foil and a bottle of water towards Lexa. Lexa examines it only long enough to figure out what it is then looks away.  _“Take it.”_ Lexa remains immobile. Gina nods and places her offerings next to Lexa. _“Talk to the painter. I’ve seen the two of you. I doubt there’s anything she can’t make better.”_

Gina pivots and disappears behind Lexa.

That was the last time Lexa saw a familiar face in quite some time.

* * *

Once the hectic energy of the bar dies down Gina ventures back out into the cold to check on Lexa but this time no one sits at the bench. Gina shakes her head and swivels on her heels to head back into the bar but notices the homeless man a few feet down. The grimey forty something year old man sits on the floor with his back resting against the corner bus stop and mauls the sandwich held tightly within his fingers. His loud chewing is only interrupted when he feels eyes on him. The man looks up and catches Gina looking at him. He cracks a smile and mumbles some words out through the overflowing amount of bread in his mouth. 

_“Are you Gina?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“You look like what she said.”_

_“Who?”_

He lifts the sandwich and points at it.

_“She told me to let you know if it was good. It is.”_

Gina cracks a shy grin.

 _“Good to know.”_ Gina starts to retreat back into the warmth of the The Rooster but stops herself. _“Come by tomorrow. We’ll see if I can make it as good two days in a row.”_

 _“Will do.”_  

_“Now I’ll have a story for whenever we meet again Lexa.”_

Gina mutters to herself as she lets the door close behind her.

* * *

Lexa has been gone for two days. 

Her cards haven't been used. Her cell phone is off. She hasn’t reached out to anyone. No one dared to say it but this time Lexa’s absence felt different than the rest. No one dared to say it, but Clarke knew. Lexa was good at pretending things were okay and Clarke was excellent at acting like she believed it. That’s how it has worked for the past couple of years but just because Clarke brushed all the glaring warning signs aside does not mean she didn’t know they were there.

Forty eight hours.

That was the lapse of time Kane had recommended they wait before they file a missing persons report. Lexa had left before, never for this long, but she had left. They were still holding on to hope that she would come back without it needing to be escalated.

Up until hour thirty six Clarke practically counted every second of every minute. The counting just about pushed her to the edge of losing her mind. Clarke nearly drove herself mad until Aden began howling at the top of his lungs because no one could figure out that he wouldn’t eat his cereal if it didn’t have bits of mashed fruit in it and because she was the only person who knew how to trick Roa into completing her grammar assignments. That’s when she realized she didn’t have the luxury to retreat, she’s never had that luxury. Her children needed her so Clarke pushed Lexa as far back into her mind as she could (which was not far at all) and made the kids a priority over her wife for the first time in her life.

* * *

Five days go by and no Lexa. 

The investigation that the missing persons report of someone as prominent as Lexa triggered has turned up nothing. She hasn’t surfaced at any station, hospital, or morgue. The search hasn’t given them a lot to go on.

Police say there’s not much they can do but wait, that sometimes people just go away, that sometimes they simply don’t want to be found.

One hundred and twenty hours.

Anya hasn’t slept in that long. She doesn’t eat, doesn’t work, doesn’t relax. The first few days Anya goes to any and every place she could imagine her sister would be at. After the third day she stays home and recoils into herself. Anya sits in silence assembling and disassembling scenarios in her head like morbid thought puzzles. It's the only thing she can do to kill time.

Anya doesn’t sleep until Raven shows up at her door on the fourth night with some pizza and beer. Anya doesn’t sleep until Raven’s naked body rests on top of hers enveloping her in the comfort she would’ve never admitted she needed it.

Seven thousand and two hundred minutes.

That’s how long it takes for the panic to seep into Costia’s eyes. She managed to play the part of the uninvested third party for a few days but on the fifth night the hard exterior cracks and Costia tough persona begins to falter.

* * *

Lexa has been gone for an entire week now. 

Seven days.

One hundred and sixty eight hours.

No one has seen or heard from her for ten thousand and eighty minutes and tensions are really starting to reach fever pitch in the family.

Clarke sits cross legged facing Jacob’s grave with Aden held firmly against her chest. The boy forcefully squirms in his best attempt to free himself from his mother's grasp. To drive his point, Aden slaps his open hands against the thin layer of snow that blankets the ground beneath them and babbles unintelligibly yet firmly as if arguing with Clarke to cut him loose.

_“Where is she Jake? Where do we look? What am I missing? I don't know what else to do.”_

Aden insistently nudges Clarke’s hands away from his midriff and this time Clarke doesn't fight it. Clarke closes her eyes and sighs. The blue eyes flutter open anew only when she feels Aden’s body pry away from hers. Clarke opens them to find the infant on his hands and knees. Before Clarke can properly register what's even happening Aden has taken off towards Jake’s headstone. He’s uncoordinated and more than a little wobbly but Aden is definitely crawling.

Clarke lets out a wet laugh when she sees her son go off on his own for the first time.

Unbeknownst to Clarke, Aden has his eyes on something. He’s a man on a mission so despite the fact that he slips more than once, Aden stands right back up and carries on. Within a minute Aden has reached his brother’s headstone, but more importantly he has reached the baseball that lived in front of it. That's what had caught his eye the moment they arrived a handful of minutes ago.

Ever since the funeral, a glove and a baseball have rested atop Jake’s grave. Every so often they get swapped out for new ones once the elements make the old ones grody but there has always and - as far as Clarke is concerned - will always be a ball and glove here. Neither Clarke or Lexa had ever been religious but, in the off chance they were wrong, Clarke wanted to make sure Jake had something to play a good game with if the opportunity ever arose.

Aden shrieks with contentment when he lifts the ball from the ground and intuitively brings the object to his mouth.

_“No. Dirty!”_

Clarke jolts forward and pulls the moist ball away from the six month old. Aden immediately shrieks again, except this time it wasn’t a joyful scream. Clarke hides the ball under her left thigh where she thinks it will be out of sight from the unhappy baby. Instead of being fooled, Aden swiftly falls back on his hands and knees and races towards Clarke. The sight of her last baby crawling forces a handful of the tears she’s been holding back for a week now to roll freely down her cheeks.

_“She missed it. Goddamn it Lexa, you missed this too.”_

Clarke scoops up the baby and brings his head to her shoulder. Aden initially resists and flails in anger but after a few moments he senses something is off with his mother and calms down. Aden lays his small hands against each of Clarke’s shoulders and nuzzles into her neck.

_“I can't lose her.”_

Clarke tightens her grip on Aden, desperately clinging to him because he is all she can cling to at the moment. In a moment of fleeting desperation Clarke lifts her eyes and looks directly at Jake’s headstone before she speaks.

_“I can't do that so I don't know who you need to talk to up there but you make her come home safe. I need you to make that happen for me.”_

Embarrassed by the fact that she just attempted to broker a deal with a tomb, Clarke sighs and hastily gets back on her feet. She juggles the baby from one arm to the other as she wipes her butt and legs clean from the snow that clung to them. Once she’s sufficiently patted down Clarke turns back to Jake’s grave.

 _“Happy Thanksgiving baby.”_ Clarke swabs the tears that threaten to fall from the corner of her eyes because she understands that if she starts crying again she won't be able to stop this time. _“I'm only cooking dinner because of you. I know how much you loved today.”_

Lexa has been gone for an entire week now and today is Thanksgiving. It’s Aden’s first Thanksgiving and what Clarke was hoping would be a joyous occasion has turned into nightmare fodder instead. 

* * *

It’s three in the morning of day nine. 

Clarke rests her weary body against the kitchen counter. Her thumb absentmindedly taps against the side of the tepid mug cradled between her hands. The mug was brimming with a cold cup of green tea she never had the heart to drink.

_"Mom?"_

Clarke lifts her eyes from the marble countertop to the kitchen entrance and finds Costia hovering. Both of Costia’s arms hang completely straight at either side of her and her thumbs are tucked inside the other fingers in the same familiar way she’s been doing for over a decade.

Costia sucked on her thumbs when she was a baby. She sucked on her thumbs for much longer than she should have. Costia didn’t always do it, but it never failed to happen when she was very upset or very tired. Knowing that it was a self-soothing, mostly innocent habit Clarke and Lexa allowed it to continue without much interference because they figured Costia would eventually outgrow it. On the day of Costia’s fourth birthday party, after the kids were gone and she had tired herself out from running, the little girl was sat atop Lexa’s lap with her head resting on her mother’s chest when Raven made some quip about her being too old to suck on her thumb because only babies like Jake did that. At that exact moment Costia pulled her thumb from her mouth and tucked it inside her fist. For weeks thereafter, every time Costia was worn out or temperamental and felt the urge to suck on her thumb she would hide it behind her other four fingers instead to stop herself from giving in. Aunt Raven made it clear that big girls didn’t do that and she definitely was a big girl. One habit was quickly replaced by another and it eventually stopped being about sucking her thumb and simply became the thing she did when she was sleepy or cranky or sad. It happened less and less often as Costia grew but it stayed with her and over the years it came to be another one of Costia’s many quirks.

Costia can’t hide the fact that she's been crying and Clarke immediately puts the cup down and motions for her eldest to close the distance between them. Costia reaches her mother in less than a handful of strides. As the distance diminishes Costia’s speed increases and by the time she reaches Clarke their bodies collide with force. Costia wraps her arms firmly around her mother, leaning in to hug her and for a moment Clarke forgets it's not Lexa. Costia and Lexa had a very distinct (and identical) way of leaning into hugs and burying their faces in people's necks and right now Clarke is thankful for the reassurance the similarity offers.

_"I didn't mean it."_

_"I know baby."_

_"What if she thinks I meant it?"_

_"Shhh...she knows Cos. She knows."_  

_"But what if she doesn't?"_

_"You two have always had this weird thing going on. Ever since you were a baby. You’ve always butted heads but prove you really care without having to say it."_ Clarke pauses. _"She knows about the fight. She knows why you almost got expelled, I had to tell her. She knows you care Cos.”_ The sound of Costia’s quiet sobs takes over as Clarke gives her daughter the time to process whatever she is feeling.  _“I wish you hadn’t inherited the Woods’ stubborn gene. My life would be so much easier.”_

Costia lets out a wet laugh against Clarke's neck and Clarke echoes her.

_"I had a dream about them, about Lexa and Jake. It was like before. It was like Tuesdays. I miss that."_

_"I miss that too."_ Clarke runs her hands up and down Costia’s arms in an attempt to soothe but it seems ineffective. Costia continues to consistently and almost rhythmically pule against her mother’s shoulder.  _"By the way, we really need to talk about this whole calling your mom Lexa thing again."_

 _"I can try_ _."_

_"Good. Can we try harder this time?"_

Costia mulls the question over for no longer than a handful of seconds before she retorts assuredly.

_"I can try harder."_

_"Ok. I guess we won't have to ground you again just yet."_

Costia burrows deeper into Clarke and in response Clarke squeezes her tighter. They stay in that exact position for well beyond the moment Costia’s whimpers eventually die down. They stand in silence, revelling in the mutual comfort this moment offers until Costia finds the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing her for days. It is barely uttered, it is but a whisper, because somewhere deep down Costia fears that if she says the words out loud she gives them power. She is terrified of what the answer to the question may be, but she asks it anyway.

_"What if she doesn't come back?"_

The sentences doesn’t fully leave Costia’s mouth before Clarke is shutting it down.

_"That's not a possibility I'm willing to accept."_

_"Ok."_

_"Ok.”_ Clarke leans backwards putting distance between her and Costia so that she is able to look at her daughter's swollen face. “ _You want to go back to bed?"_

Costia nods weakly.

_"Can I sleep in yours?"_

_"Of course."_

With that Clarke and Costia leave the kitchen and head to the master bedroom. 

* * *

Eleven and a half days. 

Two hundred and seventy six hours.

Eleven **_entire_ ** fucking days and Lexa is nowhere to be found.

Sixteen thousand five hundred and sixty minutes of absence.

Nine hundred and ninety three thousand six hundred seconds and then there's a knock on the door.

Clarke sat at the dining room table with Aden to her left and Roa to her right as she does her best to get them to eat lunch before Costia and Anya come home from school. Roa had finally fallen victim to the Fall cold that was running rampant through her school which made her trickier to handle than usual and Aden had woken up from his much too short nap in an atrocious mood. Overall, Clarke’s day is not going great and someone knocking on her door while she is trying to deal with two unhappy children is not making it any better.

_"Ro those peas better be gone by the time I get back."_

Clarke issues the soft threat while exiting the dining room.

_“Peas are gross.”_

Clarke rolls her eyes as she heads for the front door but turns her head to reply to her daughter while simultaneously pulling the door open.  

_“Don’t get any ideas because I will check Turtle’s mouth when I get back if I nee…”_

Clarke is mid sentence when she finally turns to face the door and the words fall from her mouth. Standing a mere two feet from her is the person she hoped but never expected to see today. Without even saying a word Clarke nearly tackles Lexa to the floor during her attempt to encase her wife in her arms. Clarke folds her arms around Lexa's neck and takes her first real breath in close to two weeks. After the ephemeral wave of relief washes over Clarke and she grasps that Lexa is still alive and safe and home she promptly takes a step back and slaps Lexa.

_"Eleven days. Eleven days Lexa. Why would you do that?"_

_"I..."_

_"Where were you?"_

Roa must've heard her mother’s name because before either Clarke or Lexa have a chance to speak again Roa is barrelling into Lexa’s legs.

 _"Momma!"_ Lexa shyly bends down to pick Roa up.  _"Mommy says you went on a trip but everyone was crying and sad and screaming all the time. It's not fun when you're not here."_

Lexa brings her hand up to Roa's face and gently caresses it prior to removing the wild, unbrushed hair that falls over her features. That's when the bandages on Lexa's wrists catch Clarke’s eyes.

_"You didn't. Please tell me you wouldn't even go there Lexa."_

Lexa gathers where Clarke is looking but she doesn’t bother offering a response.

_"Ro can you go back inside and look after your brother for a second?"_

_"No."_

Lexa puts the little girl down but she doesn’t move.

_"Roa. Now!"_

Clarke places her hand in the middle of Roa’s back and drives her into the apartment. The moment the little girl is past the threshold of the entryway Clarke closes the door leaving her and Lexa alone in the hallway. Clarke closes her eyes to gather herself and inhales deeply.

_“I don’t even know where to start with you.”_

_"I'm sorry Clarke."_

_"No. No."_ Clarke opens her eyes and stares directly at Lexa. _"_ **NO!** _You don't get to walk back in here after eleven days with just an 'I'm sorry'. What did you do? Where were you? And what the fuck is this?"_

Clarke says as she points to Lexa's wrists.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"That's not enough Lexa. We looked in every damn hospital in the tri-state area. Where were you?"_

_"I..."_ Lexa looks like she's two seconds away from breaking. _"I'm sorry."_

_"You said that already. What I need now are answers."_

_"I don't have any."_

_"I would suggest starting to come up with some. These are hospital bandages. Why couldn't we find you?"_

_"I..."_

_"Lexa I swear if you say 'I'm sorry' again..."_

_"I dumped my ID. I wanted to be a Jane Doe. I didn't want you to have to go to a morgue and identify a body again."_

Clarke's hand makes contact with Lexa's face  for the second time. Clarke doesn't even regret slapping Lexa this time, not after that statement. She can feel her entire body growing hot and her face go red. Clarke was sure she had been angry before but this moment proves she hadn’t. This is what aggravation feels like and it runs so deeply that she can't even talk.

When Clarke doesn’t add anything Lexa tries to fill the silence.

_"Costia is right. People around me get hurt. They always do. Maybe if I...if I...I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore."_

_"And_ **THAT** _was your solution Lexa? Really? You're the smartest person I've ever met. You know better."_

_"I don't. I thought I did but every time I try things end up worse instead. I was the one that should've died that day. Not him. I was trying to fix it."_

_"This..."_ Clarke lunges forward and grips Lexa’s wrist before bring it up to eye level. _"This is not fixing it. This is running from it. Did you for a second stop to think about anyone?"_ Clarke pauses and the next five words that leave her mouth land much more churlishly than she really intended them to. _"Did you think about me?"_

_"I sat by the river for three days and did nothing but think Clarke. About you. About them. About Jay. All I did was think!"_

Lexa is now agitated as well.

_"And that was the best you could come up with?! After three whole fucking days? That was your genius plan?"_

Clarke and Lexa are practically screaming the moment Costia and Anya mindlessly walk out of the elevator and onto the hallway. The girls were having a casual discussion but that quickly comes to a screeching halt because Costia freezes when she lays eyes on Lexa. She only remains stationary for a second and soon thereafter she finds herself in a full sprint towards Lexa.

Once Costia reaches Lexa, she mumbles a seemingly endless stream of unintelligible apologetic words against the skin of Lexa’s neck. Lexa allows the moment to happen but instead of giving Costia any veritable acknowledgement, Lexa simply stands.

Clarke, who is currently choleric, has no time for humoring reunions right now though.

_"You two. Inside."_

Clarke looks at Anya sternly and without questioning her mother’s directive, she makes for the door. Anya knows better than to argue with Clarke when she's this upset.

_"Costia. Go."_

Costia reluctantly let's go of Lexa's neck and while pulling away she notices the bandages on her mother’s wrists. Costia looks between the bandages and Lexa without saying a word but she understands the magnitude of what they mean. Before long the weight of Costia’s glare becomes too burdensome and Lexa looks away. The shame Lexa has carried for the past week engulfs her and she suddenly can't handle the way Costia is peering at her.

_"I can't believe you."_

_"Isn't this what you wanted?"_

Lexa retorts almost instantly as her face darts up and she meets Costia’s eyes.

_"Inside Costia!"_

_"I hate you Lexa."_

Costia feels the anger that had slowly subsided over the past few days bubble over thrice as strong. She grabs the backpack that fell to the floor and storms inside the apartment slamming the door behind her.

Clarke and Lexa are left in silence for what feels like forever. Neither one dares to look at the other for fear of what waterfall of feelings it might trigger.

 _"I can't do this Lexa.”_ Clarke finally looks at Lexa while trying to find the right words. _“I can't keep trying to get to you but hitting a wall instead. You weren't the only one who lost something that day. I've tried. I've been patient for two years. I've kept hoping you'd come around but this...the last eleven days were hell. At least when he died I knew. The not knowing? The uncertainty was the worst part. I’m not sure if I can forgive that."_ Lexa only offers an empty stare. _"That's exactly what I mean! I can see you thinking but you won't tell me what. You won't let me or anyone else help. I can't do this anymore Lexa. I can't."_

_"That's fair."_

During this conversation Clarke has found herself being angrier than she ever thought possible and that statement pushed her past yet another threshold.

_"That's fair?! That's all you have to fucking say to me?! That's fucking fair?!"_

_"Yes."_

_"You know what Lexa? I'm done."_ Silence. _"I am done. I can't keep doing this. Not until you can admit that you need help. It's not healthy. He was my son too but I've locked it all up so I could be there for you and for them. I was trying to do what I thought was best for our family. I was doing it for_ **us** _but I can't do it alone anymore."_

Not a word comes out of Lexa and that just infuriates Clarke even more.

_"Go stay with your sister or go be wherever you were the last eleven days. I don't care. I can't care enough for the both of us anymore. I'm tired Lexa. I'm so fucking tired. I'm exhausted. You didn't die that day, but it sure feels like it sometimes."_

The tears that have been hanging perilously close to the edges of Clarke's eyes ultimately fall and her fragile composure truly starts to fade.

_"I've been waiting for you to make a choice. Even the people who had asked me to be patient with you before begged me to stop putting up with it after Aden was born and I didn’t. I haven’t. But I think it's time. You need to decide what you want."_

Clarke's vexation grows exponentially with each word. Her indignation is palpable now because Lexa has given her no reason to diffuse it; frankly Lexa has done virtually nothing but blink this entire time.

 _"If you want to keep this up then be my guest, but if you want this family...if you want_ **me** _..."_ Clarke lets out a strangled sob and well-nigh allows her emotions get the best of her but she pulls it together and composes herself. _"...you need help. That's not negotiable anymore. So you make your choice Alexandria. It's either us and therapy or you pack all your shit and you leave. I can't put them through this anymore. I can't put myself through it. I can't. I am done. Things have to change. I let this go on for too long."_

Clarke gawks at Lexa waiting for her so say something, literally anything. Clarke can see Lexa’s mind racing but her lips don't move and instead of making an effort to appease her, Lexa decides to look away. In that moment the floodgates open and Clarke cries like she hasn't done since the day they lowered her son into a hole in the ground. Clarke sheds tears because it feels like she's losing another piece of herself all over again.

Clarke buries her face in her hands. She doesn't want Lexa to see her like this but she can't go back inside because she can't let the kids see her crying again. She refuses to. So the two of them stand there, in the hallway across from the home where they've made a life together, Clarke sobbing and Lexa standing stoically in absolute silence.

 _"So that's it then? We're done? Just like that.”_ Clarke lowers the hands that blocked her vision and nods while examining Lexa's seemingly apathetic face. Clarke tries to let the significance of the moment sink in but it begins to feel overwhelmingly earth shattering and she suddenly starts to regret the line she drew in the sand. _“I've loved you since I was eighteen. That's twenty fucking years Lexa. We've been together for more than half my life and you're really going to stand there and not say a fucking word to me?"_

Clarke punctuates each of the last few words by explosively shoving her hands against Lexa's chest. The last push carries enough force that Lexa makes contact with the wall behind her and Lexa finds herself pinned between it and her wife. Clarke's fist keep bashing Lexa's chest as she sobs. Before long Clarke's jabs pack less intensity and they steadily decrease until her hands come to rest atop Lexa's chest. Clarke lays her head on Lexa before her hands wrap around her torso and she clutches Lexa's limp body. Tight.

_“Ask me to wait. Fuck what everyone thinks, just ask me to be patient with you for a little longer and I will. All I need to know is that you want to get better.”_

Lexa stands. No reaction. No emotions. No reciprocity. Instead she mutters a single sentence.

_"You deserve better than me."_

Clarke’s pique is reignited and back in full force. Her arms release Lexa and fall to either side of her body. Clarke lifts her head opening herself up to stare directly into Lexa's eyes and in them Lexa can see a blaze.

 _"I don't want anyone else. I want you."_ Clarke wipes her tears and backs away from Lexa. _"I never wanted anybody else you absolute fucking idiot."_ Clarke adds nothing more before she turns and walks towards their...her door. _"Tell your sister to call me when she wants to come pick up your stuff. I'll make sure we're not here."_

Clarke opens the door, walks inside, and violently slams it shut behind her.

Lexa's body tenses up the way it tends to do when loud pops happen around her.

Lexa lingers in the empty hallway for long seconds before she forces her feet to move and head toward the elevator. She presses the down button and waits for it to arrive.

Ding.

The elevator doors open.

Lexa ogles at the apartment’s entrance. Her breath grows shallow but her body remains planted on the ground.

Ding.

The doors start to close without Lexa inside. Right as the metal panels are about to connect, Lexa slips her hand between them and they open once more. Lexa glues her eyes to the glistening back wall and steps into the space. A single tear rolls down her face but Lexa wipes it before it has a chance to fall off her cheek.

Without ever looking back, Lexa allows the door to close behind her.

Ding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scream at me. DO IT. I know you want to :p
> 
> Hopefully the wait was worth it and that didn't disappoint.
> 
> \--- 
> 
> You can always hit me up with questions/comments on my Tumblr: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com
> 
> I started a social media AU and it can be found here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfausm
> 
> I created a soundtrack to go along with the story and you can peruse it here: GeryonWoods.tumblr.com/tagged/cfaust


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